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Title: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 16th, 2003, 10:12pm Ok, it wasn't so much the plot bunnies that got me on this one as the bottle of wine and an overdose of Pop Idol. Pick it up and play with it if you will or ignore it for the insanity it really is! Geoff Maynard stood looking at his youngest daughter a look of consternation in his face "I don't know what your Granny Jo is going to think of all this!" even at the age of 45 (I'm guessing here) he was still very much in awe of his formidable mother. His daughter looked up at him out of wicked dark eyes that took their colouring straight from the Grandmother she was named for. What Geoff had never quite worked out was where her heart shaped face, sensual smile and curvy figure came from, certainly not his side of the family. His mother and sisters had always been more angular and his wife had inherited her mother’s figure, and Geoff had known his mother in law, Mary-Lou, since she was 17, and she had certainly never had his daughter’s very obvious assets! "Oh Daddy, everyone has always said I inherited Granny's voice, so blame her for all this!" and as her number was called she shot her Father a devastating smile and sashayed into the room where the judges waited. Her father looked again at the micro mini skirt and seriously cropped top and groaned. He was now wishing he hadn't persuaded his mother to get a television. Although nearing her nineties his mother had not lost her command of the English language and he dreaded to think what her comments would be if she saw the way her youngest grandchild was dressed. As for the belly button piercing, Geoff didn't even want to consider the reaction to that! Unaware of the turmoil in her Father's mind Joey took her place in front of the judges and shot them her sultriest smile. "Whets your name and what song are you singing?" Simon asked. " Josephine Mary Louise Maynard and I will be singing Mike Oldfield's Moonlight Shadow," Joey paused long enough to allow them to take in these details and then launched into the first verse of the song. "The last that ever she saw him, carried away by a moonlight shadow" The notes soared sweet and powerful into the room and the four judges sat in silence. As the last note died away Joey opened her eyes and looked at the stunned faces in front of her. Simon cleared his throat, "Well.... |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Lisa_T on Aug 16th, 2003, 10:52pm ROTFL! Someone please take this up! ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:06pm Whispered aside because I don't want to look totally thick but what does ROTFL mean? ??? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:14pm on 08/16/03 at 23:06:09, Ianswythe wrote:
Rolling On The Floor Laughing |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:19pm Thank you Xanthe (by the way that is a lovely name, does it have a meaning?) Quote:
It would be better if somebody else took it up because if I continue it the poor girl is going to end up having an affair with Simon Cowell (SP?) and then tell all in an exclusive in some dodgy newspaper complete with topless photos. Which will probably shock the entire Maynard family into early graves! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by KB on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:21pm Oh, please, Ianswythe, do continue it in that vein! I'd love to read that happening! Please, please, please! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:36pm Your wish is my command! Simon cleared his throat again, "Well, that is a definite yes from me." They quickly went along the table and one by one Foxy, Waterman and Nicki all added their Yes to the vote. "So we'll see you in London in five weeks time," Simon added and standing up, he showed her to the door, one hand on the small of her back. Just before the door closed behind her Joey gave him a lingering, suggestive smile (the minx!) before waltzing off to tell her father the news. The original Jo Maynard was sat in her chair in Freudeshiem, although her beloved husband had died five years ago she had resisted all attempts to move back to England. Len's eldest daughter had taken over the running of the house and by letting out a large portion of it was able to keep it running. The Chalet School was still next door and although Hilda Annersley was long departed this earth Jo still kept an active interest in the place. The current headmistress allowed her to come and go as she pleased out of respect for the important part she had once played in school history. However, she also knew Jo couldn't go on for ever and it avoided any histrionics from the aged lady thus giving the head a quiet life. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:51pm Jo reached out and picked up the television remote control. It had taken a long time for her to consent to getting a TV, although her granddaughter Liz had one in her rooms, but she was glad now that she had and watched it most evenings. And now that she had got this new fangled satellite thing it allowed her to watch programmes from England (it can be done and is critical to the story!), it was almost like being at home again. It was now time for Jo's favourite show, not that she would have admitted it to anyone, but Liz was putting her children to bed and would be busy for the next hour so Jo could watch in peace. The opening titles for Pop Idol appeared and Jo sat back and prepared to be entertained. "Honestly" she said to herself ten minutes later in disgust, "look at what that girl is wearing! It's disgusting, she's practically naked. Parents should be ashamed of themselves letting her out dressed like that.". Jo sat forward, there was something strangely familiar about the girl with the long black, curly hair and lovely face. Surely it wasn't, no it couldn't be, not her Josephine! The camera cut to the girl’s father being told his daughter was going on to the next stage and there on the screen was her son Geoff. "N...no, it, it can't be!" Jo stuttered and then clutching at her heart she slid from her chair onto the floor. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 16th, 2003, 11:57pm Liz heard the crash and came running into the room. “Granny, Granny what is wrong?” she cried urgently. Seeing her Grandmother lying on the floor she knelt beside her and gently cradled her in her arms. “Whatever happened to you granny?” “My heart, such pain” Jo’s voice was weak and her eyelids fluttered and closed against her wrinkled cheeks. Sorry for the short posts, but I have problems saving it if it is too long. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 12:13am “Granny Jo open your eyes at once and stop acting like a dying duck!” Liz’s voice was stern and Jo opened her eyes and scowled at her Granddaughter. “I’m ill. I’ve had a bad shock. I expect I’ll die from it in a few minutes. And then you’ll be sorry! You and that trollop Josephine, it’s all her fault!” Jo forgot to sound as if she was dying and spoke in her usual tones. “The doctor examined you yesterday and said you were as strong as an ox and that short of putting a bullet through your head we’re not getting rid of you for while! Now what has Josephine done this time?” Jo scowled again as she recalled the young doctor’s words but allowed Liz to help her into her chair again. “Bloody doctor. Not a patch on my Jack. He’d have had me in bed and sedated by now!” Liz sighed and wished, not for the first time, that her grandmother hadn’t taken to using common swear words with quite such a vim. Really she was becoming more and more irascible every day. “Now tell me what Joey has done to make you act like this.” Liz asked again but Jo merely shook her head and looked thoughtful. “Phone the airport and book me on the next flight to England, I’m going to pack” and Jo was out of the chair and heading for the door with a speed quite remarkable for someone who had been dying ten minutes ago. Liz sighed, shook her head and went to make the required booking. There was nothing else for it, her husband Jim would just have to mind the children until her Granny had got whatever mad idea was currently consuming her out of her system, but Liz was not letting her go to England alone. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Esmeralda on Aug 17th, 2003, 12:48am LOL. Brilliant - I was wondering how Jo would see Pop Idol in Austria - thank goodness for new fangled technology. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 12:57am Meanwhile back in England Joey was unaware that her Grandmother was rapidly heading her way. She was enjoying the sensation of being recognised in the small town where her parents lived in her Granny Mary-Lou’s, childhood home. Her parents were fondly imagining that now she had finished at the Chalet School that she would be going onto university at the end of the summer. However, now that she was finally free of the restrictive atmosphere of religion, morality and lessons found in the school she had no intention of giving that freedom up easily. Joey grinned to herself as she thought of shock they would get when she announced her intention of going to London in search of fame instead of learning. “Mum, dad I’m just going out for a walk. See ya later.” She called and grabbing her mobile phone was out of the door before they had a chance to quiz her. Once she was a good distance away from the house she dropped onto a convenient park bench and pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket she looked at the message and number it scrawled on it. When Simon had pushed into her hand at the first audition her immediate reaction had been to bin it, but upon consideration she had decided that a convenient, and tame by the time she had finished with him, ally in London could come in useful. Smiling she typed the phone number into her phone and prepared to be as seductive as knew how. I'll post more tomorrow if anyone is interested, but now it is way past the bedtime of all good chalet school girls - so goodnight. :) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by claire on Aug 17th, 2003, 10:44am I take it from this Mary-Lou had a daughter who married Geoff? Who'd she marry anyone we know? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 11:01am :o :o :o this is very funny, but deeply shocking! :o :o :o on 08/16/03 at 23:19:42, Ianswythe wrote:
You're most welcome! And Xanthe means "gold and shining". |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Emily the Strange on Aug 17th, 2003, 11:52am Oh this is brilliant! I can just imagine Joey (the 1st) turning out like that, given that she always seems to talk the same slang as the girls (mutton dressed as, anyone?!) ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Lisa_T on Aug 17th, 2003, 4:04pm LOL! I'm looking forward to the confrontation of the two Joeys. Oh, does anyone know if there is an age restriction on Pop Idol? Joey would probably ignore it anyhow, but I wonder what the judges would think of her proverbial 'golden voice'. Maybe she'd be told that all it was good for was singing at school concerts anyhow..!! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 4:29pm Joey sauntered home whistling cheerfully, the phone call had had the desired result and now she just had to persuade her parents to allow her to do what she wanted. Since she had always been able to twist her parents round her little finger since her earliest days she had no worries on that score! “Mum, Dad I’m home. When’s dinner?” slamming the front door behind her she wandered into the sitting room of the house and stopped abruptly “Granny Jo! What are you doing here?” Joey couldn’t keep the horror out of her voice when she saw the tall old lady with hair done up in massive grey earphones, sitting upright in an armchair. “You never told me she was coming” she hissed at her Father as she went forward to kiss her grandmother. “I didn’t know” Geoff’s voice was already starting to show strain. “I came to find out the meaning of that disgraceful exhibition of yours young lady. I couldn’t believe it, a grandchild of mine showing her knees in public like that” Jo sounded scandalised. “I didn’t know you were a fan of Pop Idol Mother!” Geoff said sarcastically as he poured himself a large whisky, looking at the glass in his hand he realised that he hadn’t drunk whisky since the last time his mother visited! Jo shot her son a basilisk like look and turned to her grandchild, “Now Joey, if you open that bag down there you will find a present.” Jo gestured to a bag beside the door. Joey opened the bag and pulled out a dress. It was dark blue with white collar and cuffs and had a wide, flared calf-length skirt. Turning back to the bag she pulled out another five differently coloured dresses all of a similar style. Joey turned mute eyes on her grandmother. “They belonged to your Auntie Len. I bought them for her when she first went to Oxford but she always forgot to pack them. They should fit you with a slight adjustment, much more suitable than what you currently wear.” Joey looked at the 40 year old dresses with horror, these dresses were not in fashion when they were first bought far less now! No wonder Auntie Len had forgotten to pack them. Joey realised her grandmother was still speaking. “Now I think it would be for the best if Joey came back to Switzerland with me and had a couple of years at St Mildred’s. That’ll make a young lady of her.“ |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 4:38pm ;D *laughs very very hard* ;D thank you lanswythe, this is serving to cheer me up no end! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 4:50pm “Mother, considering 10 years of your precious Chalet School didn’t manage to make a lady of her I really don’t see what good 2 years at St Mildred’s will do!” Mother and wife, herself an old girl of the school, turned to glare at Geoff at this criticism of their beloved school. A scandalised Jo shrieked at her son “are you blaming the school for turning your daughter into a..a Jezebel! It’s bad parenting thats done that!” At this point Geoff’s wife re-directed her glare to her mother-in-law. “I really don’t think that is very fair,” Verity said stiffly. Geoff sank wearily into a chair, the black spots in front of his eyes warned of an impending migraine and he was certain he was getting an ulcer. Whilst Jo and Verity argued over who was to blame for the way Joey junior had turned out and her father tried to ward of his migraine, Joey slipped from the room and ran quietly upstairs to her bedroom. She quickly packed a bag with a few necessities and then going to the window she dropped the bag onto the ground before grasping the nearby branch of a tree, then swinging herself out of the window she climbed down the tree. (No true Chalet School girl ever left by the front door when she ran away!) Picking up the bag Joey headed for London. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 4:53pm Ooh, the suspense! Are they going to go after her in company with the mandatory dog and doctor? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 6:43pm It was some hours before the Maynards noticed that the youngest member of their family had gone. Jo and Verity had carried on their argument for some time with Jo claiming that Verity was incapable of bringing up a girl in the correct manner and Verity calling Jo an interfering old busy body. Liz and Geoff had sloped off to Geoff’s study after the first 5 minutes, uplifting the whisky bottle en route, and had proceeded to get companionably drunk. When Jo and Verity finally called a truce the pair had begun swapping respective horror stories about being a member of the Maynard family. Liz was in the act of recalling how she had had her head flushed down the toilet every day for a year at school because the other girls thought she received preferential treatment when Verity came to inform her husband that Joey was missing. Jo immediately took charge, with memories of the time she had found Robin she turned to Geoff and Verity, “Verity fetch me one of the girl’s vests and Geoff go and get Cuddles for me. I’ll soon find her.” “Mother, Jo hasn’t worn a vest since she was 10 years old and as for Cuddles….” here Geoff turned to look at the overweight Pekinese curled up on the armchair. As if sensing he was supposed to take part in a dramatic rescue Cuddles sat up yawned, stretched and then flopped back down in his seat and began to snore gently. Xanthe - anything to oblige! ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 7:02pm lanswythe, you are most kind! *laughing out loud over "cuddles"* ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 7:27pm It was a week after Joey had left home and a lot had happened. Relative peace had been restored to the Maynard home. Once Geoff had talked his Mother out of attempting to track Joey, and had physically removed the large scout knife that she had produced whilst mumbling something about cutting guide signs into trees, he had pointed out that Joey was 18 years old and able to look after herself. He had then returned to his study and picking up his own mobile had phoned his daughter. She answered promptly and confirmed his privately held suspicion that she was going to London. “Well my dear, I think it’s high time a Maynard had some freedom. Good luck my girl and I’ll be routing for you.” He had then ended the call and phoned his bank to transfer some money into Joey’s account should she need it. He had refused point blank to tell either his wife or mother where she was, saying merely that she was safe and well. Jo had remained at his home for a couple more days before leaving to go back to Switzerland, or at least Geoff assumed she had gone home. The night of the next audition arrived and Joey was surveying herself in the long mirror. When she had hurriedly packed she hadn’t realised that she had stuffed her Auntie Lens dress into the bag. She now stood in that same dress wondering what Grandma Jo would make of the ‘few alterations’ she had carried out on it. For the first time Joey thanked the Chalet School for insisting that all girls could sew well! The skirt of the dress had been cut off eight inches above the knee, the neckline had been slashed down to her navel and the sleeves removed all together. Combined with the demure little collar, which she had left on the dress, the effect was that of an extremely raunchy schoolgirl. Joey checked that the toupee tape which she had needed to hold the dress in place was still holding, added another layer of red to her mouth and then turned to the man standing behind her to ask “ Well, what do you think?” Simon gasped (I seriously hope that I’m not committing libel in doing this!) “Well, you certainly look the part! But remember you are only going to get through this audition today if you deserve to. Our relationship has got nothing to do with it” |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 8:51pm I am shocked... deeply, deeply shocked... But I would love to hear some more please! ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 9:01pm Joey walked out onto the stage, if she impressed the judges tonight then she would be through to the final 10. The opening bars of T’Pau’s China in Your Hand rang out and Joey launched into the song, singing with all her heart. As the last notes died away the audience broke into thunderous applause and Joey turned to hear the judge’s opinions. After three positive reviews it was Simons turn. “Well to be honest I really think your range is somewhat narrow, more village concert than Wembley stadium. I don’t really know if you are pop idol material!” Joey scowled at him and left the stage to wait until the last contestants had sung. Really the man was so terrified of the papers finding out about their affair that he wasn’t even prepared to give her a good review! “Hmm, the papers. Now there’s an idea!” Joey was so busy with her thoughts that she didn’t see the tall figure standing in the shadows. Suddenly a hand grabbed her and a voice she knew very well said “Ha, I found you. You’re coming home with me young lady!” and Joey found herself face to face with her grandmother. “Granny! What on earth are you doing here?” Joey hissed. Taking her Grandmother’s arm she dragged her into a quiet corner. “Don’t take that tone with me! You just tell me where you are staying and then we’re collecting your stuff and taking you home.” Jo stamped her walking stick on the floor to emphasise her words. Leaning in close to her Grandmother’s face and keeping her voice low so that no one else could hear Joey spoke slowly and clearly, “I am not going home. And as for where I am staying, well I am staying with a man in his one bedroom flat and neither of us is sleeping on the floor!” Joey didn’t even have time to lean back before her Grandmothers reaction came. Clutching her heart, Jo sank against the wall, “Oh my heart, my heart. You wicked child!” Joey rolled her eyes, and grabbing her Granny she gave her a shake “For God’s sake woman stop making a scene! There is nothing wrong with you.” Seeing people start to look at them with interest she pushed Jo further into the corner. “You’ll kill me yet and then you’ll be sorry!” Jo said, looking far from ill. “Granny the ‘I’m dying’ routine doesn’t work any more. Look at when Uncle Felix told you seven years ago that he was having a sex change and was going to be known as Susan. You insisted on us getting a priest to give you the last rites! Then halfway through you jump out of bed and chase Aunt Susan all over the house waving your stick at her! It was the poor priest who needed the last rites after that performance, not to mention Aunt Susan!” Joey who was very fond of her ‘new’ Aunt Susan was still indignant over the incident. (By the way I'm changing the number of heats in the competion for my convenience! Hope I'm not boring you yet." |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 9:12pm As I don't actually watch Pop Idol I hadn't noticed! I'm mostly just busy being amused by this - it's great! :) Thank you! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 17th, 2003, 9:54pm The call came for all the contestants to go back on stage and hear who was going through to the final 10. Jo followed her Granddaughter to the edge of the stage where a security guard stopped her when she tried to continue. Joey took her place in the line up and waited to hear her fate. From the wings of the stage Jo watched the proceedings with interest. She had glared at the security guard until he had let go the hold he had on her arm and he now stood red to the tip of ears, staring at the floor and rubbing one foot up and down on his other leg. Satisfied that she had reduced him to submission she dived into her enormous handbag and pulled out a pair of binoculars so that she could get a better view of the various contestants. Scanning the rows of hopeful singers Jo focused on her Granddaughter. Obviously she was going to have to try a different method of bringing the girl to her senses. On stage nine names had been called as going through to the final. “And the final talented singer to go on to the sing off’s is ….. Josephine Maynard” Jo put the binoculars back into her bag, and sending the security guard on ahead of her to get a taxi for her, made her way slowly from the studio to go back to her hotel and plan what she would do next. More tomorrow when I've had a chance to work out myself exactly what Jo is going to do next. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 17th, 2003, 10:02pm Yay! Thank you lanswythe, I shall look forward to it! ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Carolyn P on Aug 17th, 2003, 10:22pm Yeah! Loving it, what a wonderful idea, please write quickly I'm going on holiday on Wednesday and have to hear how it turns out!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D My husband keeps giving me very stange looks and then wanting me to explain what I'm laughing at - V. difficult to explain as he's never read any of the books...Hmm, I wonder if I can get any of the audio books before we go?! ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 17th, 2003, 10:42pm Please please please include more about Aunt Susan! I nearly wet myself laughing when I read about Felix's sex change! And Joey Maynard the first is turning suspiciously into my own grandmother (who has been known to fake being dead on Christmas Day before now just to make sure she was centre of attention!) I love it - more of her! Maybe muscling into the sing off's by proving she is Josephine Maynard? lolol |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 9:04am For the rest of the week Jo kept a low profile and Joey was able to prepare for the first sing off in peace. When by the day of the competion she had still seen nothing of her Granny she began to hope that she had finally got the message and given up. Joey had also seen nothing of Simon all week, something she wasn’t sorry about either, as he had begun to bore her. However, she was determined that if he was sarcastic about her singing tonight that he was going to regret it. Joey was to be the last to sing and finally her turn came. She walked onto the stage and picked up the mike, her intro played and Joey opened her mouth to sing. Before she had even got the first note out there was a shriek from the audience and then a commotion. Joey peered out into the darkness of the audience; people in the front row seemed to be gathering around someone lying on the floor. With a small scream of frustration Joey flung down the mike and stamped of the stage into the audience. Just as had suspected Granny Jo was lying prone on the floor. “Quick someone get an ambulance”, “Is there a doctor in the house?” the audience were starting to call, Joey pushed her way through the crowd “Here let me in, she’s my Grandmother. I’ll deal with her.” Standing over her Grandmother’s body she nudged her with her foot. “You can get up now!” the audience gasped at this callous treatment of an old lady. “Here, that’s no way to talk to your Granny!” someone called. “Listen, this woman has a near death experience at least once a month. She’s faking, Ok!” bending over her Grandmother she saw Jo’s eyes were starting to flicker open. A woman, with a furious look at Joey, pushed in and helped Jo to sit up. “There now you’ll be alright. Don’t worry we’ll look after you. Can you walk?” Jo bravely nodded her head and allowed herself to be helped to her feet. “You are so kind dear,” she said in her best old lady voice, as she was led back stage to lie down. As she passed her Granddaughter Jo turned and stuck her tongue out at her, unfortunately only Joey saw it. Exasperated Joey went back to the stage and sung her song. When the votes came through Joey had only just scraped into the next round, the cameras had recorded some of the incident with Jo and the public had shared the crowd’s view of her treatment of her Granny. Thankfully another singer had forgotten his words half way through the song and had gone flat, so Joey got through. Simon had confined his comments to a sneering “Well, well. Not a very nice person, are you? I do hope your Granny has recovered.” Joey flushed as she remembered his words. That was it, it was time to get tough with Jo and Simon. It was time to call in Auntie Susan! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 9:29am ;D ;D ;D lanswythe, this is very very amusing and I have actually just startled my brother by laughing out loud :D :D :D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:33am This is SO funny - thanks, Ianswythe :D ... looking forward to more .... !!!!! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 18th, 2003, 12:04pm <picks up the chant she hated so much when she was writing> more more more more more! heh heh heh - Auntie Susan for president! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ally on Aug 18th, 2003, 12:20pm Fabulous story! Very very funny, can't wait to meet Aunt Susan! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 12:54pm Joey moved into a hotel that night and then phoned her Aunt and left a message on her answering service begging her to come and help. She spent the next day pacing the floor of her hotel room hoping at her Aunt would arrive soon. When 7 o’clock came and there was still no sign of Susan she began to give up hope. Phoning room service she ordered food and sat on the bed to watch some TV. A knock came at the door 30 minutes later and Joey got up to open it muttering to herself, “About time, I’m starving.” Flinging open the door she found her herself enveloped in a warm hug and a cloud of Channel No 5. “Darling, stand back and let me look at you!” the husky voice of her Aunt had been responsible for turning many a saint into a sinner! “Oh Angel, you are just too, too divine. Gorgeous as always!” and with a final double kiss Susan flung herself onto the bed and surveyed her niece with big, baby blue eyes. Just at that moment a waiter arrived with her meal, “Sorry it took soooo…Wow!” snapping his head round so quickly that Joey half expected to hear it crack, the young waiter stared open mouthed at Susan. Used to the reaction from men when they saw Aunt Susan for the first time, Joey stuffed a tip into his hand and pushed him out of the room whilst Susan blew him a kiss. “Oh, if only he knew the truth”, she sighed gustily. Turning to look at her Aunt Joey could well understand why she got the reaction she did, a blond haired Betty Boop with a silicone produced 38DD cleavage spilling over the top of her vest top, blinking up out of innocent eyes, she was certainly stunning. Ironic really thought Joey; the Maynard woman with the most sex appeal had started life as a Felix! Lighting up a menthol cigarette, Susan helped herself to a sandwich and said, “So tell me my little root vegetable, what’s the trouble?” “Granny!” Joey replied grimly. “Oh my God, what’s the old bat up to now? No..no, don’t tell me, let me guess! Pop idol?” here Susan glanced enquiringly at Joey, who dumbly nodded her head. “Ok, how many times has she faked death?” “Twice. Once on national TV with 20 million people watching!” Joey sunk her head into her hands as she recalled the events from the night before. “Has she started stalking you yet?” Joey lifted her head and stared at her Aunt with horrified eyes, “Stalking me?” “Oh yes! Stalking! Gosh I remember when I told her my news. She died three times and then started stalking me. Every where I went she would appear. I still don’t know how she did it! But, that is not the worst bit, oh no, not by a long shot!” “You mean there is something worse than pretending to die on national TV and then stalking me?” Joey was starting to sound scared. Susan suppressed a shudder, “Yes, oh God it was horrible. I can’t talk about it!” “Aunt Susan you’ve got to tell me. I need to know the worst!” Joey pleaded. “Ok, when the dying and the stalking didn’t work, she” and here Susan dropped her voice as if scared of being overheard “she got Mary-Lou onto me!” |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 12:59pm *collapses with laughter and lies on the floor giggling weakly* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by PatW on Aug 18th, 2003, 1:07pm on 08/18/03 at 12:54:44, Ianswythe wrote:
Oh horrors - a fate worse than death!! :o :o :o ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 18th, 2003, 1:29pm Oh dear, ROTFL - this is too funny!! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 2:46pm “Oh darling, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude about her, I know she’s your Granny too. But it’s just, well she can be a bit…” “Of an Overbearing, obnoxious, smart-ass, know-it-all, interfering busy-body.” Joey finished for her. “Yes, I keep forgetting you know her too!” Susan said grinning. “Now, this isn’t getting us anywhere. You said something about a man in your message?” “Oh yes. Simon Cowell!” Joey’s voice was menacing. “I take it you and he are, shall we say enjoying a certain intimacy?” Susan lifted her eyebrows in a comical attempt at archness and Joey laughed in spite of her self. “Not any longer” she said definitely, and then filled her Aunt in on the happenings of the past week with regard to Simon. When Joey finished speaking her Aunt remained silent, pondering the situation. “Aunt Susan, why is Granny like this. All this playing dead and wanting everyone to do as she tells them, I don’t understand it she can be so wonderful at times!” Joey was wistful as she asked the question that had been bothering her for some time. “Do you really not understand that!” Susan looked surprised and when Joey shook her head, she settled herself further onto the bed and prepared to tell the story to the full extent of her story-telling abilities. “Gosh, I suppose it all started with Aunt Madge. When she started the school Mamma was only 12, she had been the centre of attention because she was ‘delicate’ and suddenly she was in the middle of all these girls who thought their dear Madame was wonderful and that as her sister Jo too was wonderful. I believe she was an absolute nightmare back then, oh not that anyone ever said anything! But she was a little cow to Auntie Simone in the beginning, but no one could see past her. Then dear Papa, may the angels keep him safe, came along and he carried on treating Mamma as an invalid. When I was little if Mamma so much as sneezed, Papa had her in bed, doped up to the eyeballs before you could say ‘bless you’. Papa of course adored her and let her do exactly what she wanted. She just got used to being the centre of attention. Of course that dammed school didn’t exactly help, all the old members of staff carried right on adoring her and declaring her to be the spirit of the school. What with popping out babies, turning school girls into ‘real Chalets School girls’ and her books she just got used to being the centre of attention. That’s why she plays dead whenever she isn’t getting her own way, she used to do it at school too!” “But what are we going to do about her, and Simon?” Joey wailed. “Now don’t you worry about Simon. You just leave Auntie Susie to take care of him! As for Mamma, well I think we may have to resort to more drastic measures where she is concerned.” |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 18th, 2003, 2:58pm (This really is inspired and is keeping me going through an extremely boring Monday at work! Thank you! I'm looking forward to Simon Cowell's uppance being comed - not so much hoist by his own petard but perhaps hoist by his own high-waisted trousers? ;D Although to be fair, I really like him for having the guts to be rude and tell people they're crap by humiliating them! I find it sooo entertaining! Serves them right for having the arrogance to go on TV when they can't sing!! What's he supposed to do? Let them down gently? Puh-lease - welcome to the real world kids!! The real music industry ain't no joy ride! Did anyone see his putdown this weekend? Some boring git who couldn't really sing but by some miracle had got down to the last 500 was asked what he thought his chances were - he started musing about the associated statistics but was interrupted by Simon Cowell's cutting one-liner .. "So if you're down to the last 500, can you explain to me why the probability of you winning is a million-to-one?" LOL - that's what naff reality shows are all about .... But I digress - MORE PLEASE, IANSWYTHE .........) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 3:46pm “What exactly are you planning?” Joey was suspicious. “Don’t worry, I’m not about to bump her off or anything! I’ll tell you once I’ve worked out exactly how to carry it out. I don’t want your Chalet School morality getting in the way! Oh, don’t look so offended, no matter how hard you try to avoid it that school always makes you come round to their way of thinking. I think it’s something in all the milk they feed you!” Susan smiled a cat like smile at her niece. “Anyway I need to work out her movements before I do anything about Mamma. Also it would be as well to try and knobble Mary-Lou before she comes haring over to join in the fun. Where is she at the moment?” Susan was looking round as if she half expected Mary-Lou to come springing out of a cupboard at her. “She is in Egypt terrorising the Egyptians at the moment, but she’s due home in a month.” Joey sounded even more despondent when she thought about her maternal Grandmother. “Ok, leave that to me. I know someone in customs over there!” Susan carefully avoided looking at her niece as she said it. “Aunt Susan, I do not want Granny Mary-Lou languishing in an Egyptian prison convicted of drug smuggling.” Joey said firmly. “Darling, as if I would!” Susan opened her blue eyes to their widest extent, “I promise no jails, she’ll just be held up slightly that’s all.” Joey looked satisfied. “ Oh and maybe just a teensy, weensy little bit of an intimate examination in the process” Susan added quickly. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 18th, 2003, 4:10pm (Ooh, you're wicked! I'm starting to feel sorry for OOAO!! And Felix/Susan is a scream!) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 4:33pm ;D thank you lanswythe ;D this is fantastic - I am enjoying it greatly and am having to try very hard not to slide of my seat as I keep laughing very hard! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 4:36pm Trust me Mary-Lou is going to be just fine. They'll just examine her passport, ask a few questions, maybe want to see the site of the dig. Just a gentle, erm probing exam! ;) Just enough to hold her up a few weeks! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 4:54pm The next day Joey found out exactly what being stalked by her Grandmother entailed. Susan was keeping a low profile, or at least a profile as low as a blond bombshell with an enthusiastic approach to life could keep. Personally Joey wasn’t expecting her presence in London to be kept secret from her Grandmother for very long! Breakfast had passed quietly in her Aunts room, after which Joey had hit the shops in order to increase the meagre wardrobe she had brought to London with her. Thankfully her Father had had deposited a hefty sum in her bank account so running out of money was the least of her worries. It was in one of London’s trendiest shops, whilst trying on some skirts, that the full horror of what her Granny could do struck home. There in the communal changing room was her Grandmother, smiling and nodding at her as if they met like this every day, resplendent in a gold lame miniskirt and white cropped top! “Nrgh…mmmg” choked Joey, and thrusting the skirts she held at the nearest assistant, she ran from the shop. Ok - more later when I've done my shopping. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 6:44pm on 08/18/03 at 16:54:51, Ianswythe wrote:
ROTFL ow, ow, I hurt from laughing now... but please continue! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 6:45pm All that day wherever Joey went Grandma was sure to follow. By the time 5 o’clock came Joey was shopping-less and nearly witless. Her Grandmother on the other hand had managed to acquire a strange assortment of bags and bundles including a large standard lamp complete with neon pink shade. She had even, and here Joey had to admire her Grandmother’s style, managed to coerce a scared looking shop girl into carrying the bulk of her purchases for her! Giving her expedition up as a bad job Joey hailed the next taxi and demanded to be returned to her hotel, glancing back over her shoulder she could see Jo merrily waving the standard lamp at her retreating cab. An hour later Susan found Joey curled up on her bed rocking back and fore, sitting next to her she hugged the girl. Gentle questioning soon elicited the entire story from her niece. “Now there, there. Don’t let her get you down. You need to be able to cope with her until I can put my plan into action.” Susan cooed to Joey, gently patting her back. “But, how did she do it! Every where I went, she followed! Sometimes she even got there before I did! How could she know, it was like she was psychic!” “Silly girl, of course she isn’t psychic. But she did raise six daughters, and numerous add on’s and then every Chalet Schoolgirl since 1939 has gone and had tea with her and bared her soul. She doesn’t need to be psychic to know what you’re going to do next!” Susan informed Joey. At that point someone knocked at the door. Groaning Joey pulled her self off the bed and went to answer it. Standing at the door was Grandma Jo, a mug of hot milk in her hand and a sweet smile on her face. Handing the mug to Joey, she said “You drink that up like a good girl and then have a nice early night.” Then pausing only to shoot a glare over Joey’s shoulder at Susan, who waved cheerfully back, she patted Joey on the arm and toddled off down the hallway. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 6:49pm this is superb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not least as I am actually rather more keen on Jo than the slightly bratty Joey) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by claire on Aug 18th, 2003, 7:17pm I'm enjoying it too - can we have some on what the rest of the Maynards turned out like too please |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 8:08pm Joey closed the door and turned in speechless silence to her Aunt. “Oh well I guess that’s my cover blown!” she sighed theatrically. Then bouncing up from the bed she picked up a bag, which seemed to contain a blond schoolgirl wig and video recorder, kissed her niece and said, “Now, I have a date. Why don’t you take Mamma’s advice and get an early night.” Before floating out of the room. Left to her own devices Joey decided follow their advice, so swallowed the milk and went to bed. For the next fortnight Joey got used to being followed by her Grandmother, who was in turn followed by Susan. As neither of them was very good at shadowing people the threesome would sometimes find them selves sharing buses and or the occasional taxi, and Joey actually found herself worrying on the odd occasion that her Grandmother decided to pursue different activities instead of following her Granddaughter. Two more of the sing off’s came and went with Joey getting through each time. For each one Aunt Susan went back stage with Jo, remaining in the wings with Bud the security guard who appeared to have recovered from his run in with Jo. Jo herself seemed to be contented with sitting in the front row passing a large bag of bullseyes to neighbours and keeping up a running commentary through each performance on the clothes, songs and her own schooldays. Unfortunately the other contestants had quickly realised that Jo was with Joey, and were starting to cast extremely black looks in her direction as performance after performance was interrupted with references to the Chalet School. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 8:09pm And now, by request. At the third show Joey was delighted when she arrived back at her hotel to discover a large proportion of the Maynard/Bettany/Russell clan had been to watch her. However, after the first rapturous welcome the gathering had quickly descended into the usual petty arguing and physical violence that marred every such event. Auntie Len was there along with her second husband the American billionaire Xavier Von Stift. Len’s first marriage to Reg Entwhistle had lasted only the four months needed to prove that he really was the boring, pompous idiot that everyone had suspected he was. She had then promptly had her tubes tied, something Jo still hadn’t forgiven her for, and gone to work on a cruise ship as the bingo caller where she met Xavier. She was currently embarking on her usual furious argument with Auntie Con over the character in Con’s first book which she Len maintained was based on her self. Given that the particular character in question was a schoolteacher who eventually ran away with an American and then proceeded to carry on numerous affairs, Joey could see why Len was suspicious. Second cousin Sybil was there, still arguing with second cousin Rix over the importance of being a real Russell instead of just a cousin. Sybil, who had been such a beautiful girl and young woman, had sadly turned to plastic surgery in later years in a bid to try and retain her looks. Unfortunately she now wore a look of permanent surprise and was incapable of blinking. Every where she looked there were Bettany descendants squabbling in corners and in the case of Philipa, a leather clad hells angel, and Daphne Bettany, staid mother of 10, Daphne had actually succeeded in wrestling Phil to the ground and was currently kicking her in the ribs. “Gee” thought Felicity “looks like old Daph never did get over Phil breaking her favourite doll.” Felicity, who had had to give up her ballet when she had exceeded 5ft 5”, had gone on to have a successful career as a choreographer. She had also married and had two children before sending her husband to have the snip. She now wandered over to her niece Joey and twin Susan. “Shall we get out of this mad house?” Whereupon the threesome adjourned to the bar. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 8:14pm ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D thank you lanswythe!!!!!!! (and also the plot bunny that seems to be nibbling your ankles on this one) I love the idea of Jo sitting through the performances banging on about the CS... am a little surprised she's not yet started on about plato, or indeed "interrupted a performance and turned it into an imrpomptu singing lesson"... |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 8:18pm Quote:
Give the woman a chance she is in her 80's now! I think she's learnt to bide her time rather than rushing in without thinking. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 8:21pm I suppose... ::) this is hugely entertaining though - thank you very much ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Susan on Aug 18th, 2003, 9:16pm This is brilliant. So funny........really cheered up a miserable Monday. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 9:25pm Joey opened her eyes the next morning and instantly regretted it. What had started as a quiet drink had ended up as an all night session when Auntie Margot arrived. Coming into the bar she had made the sign of the cross over her sisters and niece’s heads and then sat at their table. In the deep blue of her habit and the white wimple she carried a calming aura of peace with her. She had then pointed at a bottle of whisky behind the bar; Margot had taken a vow of silence three years earlier, and proceeded to drink the threesome under the table! The last Joey could remember was giving the hotel manager her father’s address so that he could bill him for the damage incurred during the family get together before sliding under the table. Crawling out of bed she stumbled to the window in time to see the last members of her family leaving the hotel. Cousins who last night had tried to kill or maim one another now hugged and kissed and agreed what a jolly party it had been. Relieved that no one appeared to be too badly injured Joey returned to bed. The rest of the week passed quietly enough. Jo seemed to be happy holding court in the hotel lounge and was regaling everyone who was interested, or just unlucky enough to appear in the room, with the history of the Chalet School. Susan was busy on her own ploys with some mystery man and an entire wardrobe of fancy dress. So Joey was able shop and practice her singing without any interruptions. The day of the fourth heat came round. Thanks to the peace of the previous week Joey was feeling very relaxed and was looking forward to singing again. There was now only seven contestants left and Joey was to be third up. Walking out onto the now familiar stage Joey turned to speak to the judges before starting her song. From the audience there came a growing sound, the sound of the campfire song ‘Sing low Sweet Chariot” being sung in harmony. Spinning round to look out into the crowd she could see Jo standing facing the crowd and conducting them in the song, her own voice, still rich and soaring after all these years rising above that of the crowd. It was at this point that Joey started to hyperventilate and by the time Susan and Bud had ran to her rescue with a paper bag Jo had been subdued and was sitting quietly and innocently in her seat again. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 18th, 2003, 9:27pm Genius, pure genius! Evil genius perhaps, but genius nonetheless! ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 18th, 2003, 9:52pm I still can't get over the picture of Jo senior in the gold lame miniskirt and white crop top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o :o :o :o |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:24pm Oh gee shucks, I'm all embarrassed now. Susan eventually got Joey back to the hotel with the help of Bud. Worrying about her niece’s health she had eventually resorted to the use of some of the sedative which she uplifted from her Father’s medicine cabinet following his death. Years of seeing him administer the doses to her Mother had meant that she was skilful in its use. When Joey eventually woke the next morning, Susan was sitting beside her bed perusing the latest issue of Vogue. “Please tell me I dreamt all of last night” were her first words on waking. “Fraid not, dearie” Susan lowered her magazine and surveyed her niece. “ The competition?” Joey wanted to get all the bad news out of the way. “ They had to declare it null and void. Clips of everyone singing last week were shown instead and people just had to vote on them again. You got through.” Susan beamed at Joey. Groaning Joey recalled the furore that had resulted from her Granny’s display. One of the other contestants had attempted to strangle Joey with a microphone lead whilst screaming Devil’s spawn at her. Luckily the ever vigilante Bud had intervened in time. She also remembered what Simon had hissed at her before she was led from the stage. Cornering her in the general hubbub he had told her to resign from the contest or he would have her disqualified. However, before she told Susan that part there was one other thing Joey had to get clear in her mind. “Aunt Susan, the bit about the London eye. That was a dream wasn’t it?” Joey looked hopefully at her Aunt, who pursed her lips and shook her head. Joey groaned again and buried her head under the covers. Just before Joey had sunk into the blissful oblivion of a drugged sleep Jo had arrived at the hotel accompanied by a policeman. Constable Baxter had then informed Susan that her mother had spent the past three hours riding the London eye and speculating aloud what would happen if the mechanism were to give way. The eye had had to be evacuated as a result of the mass hysteria that Jo managed to create, however she had been released without charge providing she promised to never attempt to travel on the eye ever again. Once Joey had recovered enough to speak again she told her about Simons threat. “But how can he disqualify you? After all you can scarcely control Mamma, the entire army couldn’t control her when she’s in one of her paddies!” Susan did not sound unduly concerned. “Because sleeping with a judge would get me disqualified!” “Well, don’t worry about him. I told you I’ll deal with him!” Joey cast a suspicious look at her Aunt but decided not to pursue the matter at that point. “ Then what are we going to do about Granny?” Joey asked. Susan held a perfectly manicured hand out to the light and inspected her nails, “Easy, we’re going to kidnap her!” |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:29pm This is just soooooo funny! Aunt Susan is definitely my favourite out of all the Maynard family now! I can just picture her plotting to kidnap her 80 year old mother now! Couldn't you have had Felicity having a sex change too though? Twins, both with the feeling they were born the wrong sex, synchronising to have their sex change ops? They could even have just swapped names! What an opportunity you missed there! Rachel - Does penicillin make your brain go weird? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Esmeralda on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:32pm This is the funniest thing I've read for ages - thanks Ianswythe. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:34pm I decided Jo had to produce one undysfunctional child, but don't worry my Yin shall have her Yang! Quote:
??? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:37pm lolol - I meant I'm currently on penicillin (for a good Chalet School girl dose of Bronchitis believe it or not!) and have found my brain going off at all sorts of tangents this past week! Of course, a temperature of 39.71 last week was probably responsible for some of my more peculiar actions - such as putting the jar of coffee in the fridge "to keep it warm". Now how come we never saw Joey doing that when she had Bronchitis? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 18th, 2003, 10:50pm Quote:
Probably because Jo spent her illness's gasping on her pillows trying to breathe her last with Madge holding a constant vigil by her side! Ok, last bit for tonight. I'll try and finish it tomorrow. “Kidnap her, but how?” Joey sat bolt upright in bed. “We can’t do that, it’s wrong. We could get into an awful lot of trouble. We’ve got to do it, haven’t we?” Susan nodded her head; “It’s the only way. God alone only knows what she’ll do next!” “Where are we going to put her? We can hardly keep her here. And what about the family, we’ll need to tell them something in case somebody starts to ask questions.” Joey’s brain was already considering the different possibilities. “ As to where we’ll keep her, well Bud has a small flat and he’s going to let us keep her there. He’ll help us to guard her as well. Somebody has got to stay with her at all times! The family, well they are just so relieved that she’s harassing someone else they aren’t going to enquire into her whereabouts too closely.” Susan had her plan all worked out. “So what about this mysterious date you’ve been involved with. Isn’t he going to wonder what’s going on?” Joey deliberately kept her tone light. “Oh, don’t worry about him, I’ve got everything I need for him!” Susan sounded triumphant. “Aunt Susan who were you seeing and what are you up to?” Susan bent her head to inspect a nail and avoid looking her niece in the eye. “Aunt Susan?” there was a hint of steel in Joey’s voice. “Don’t know what you’re talking about dear!” Susan sounded her most innocent but still kept her eyes on the pink nail covered with little silver stars. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Simon, would it?” Joey had definite suspicions regarding her Aunts recent movements. “Now you just leave Simon to me. If you don’t ask any questions then I won’t have to tell you any lies. Lets just concentrate on catching Mamma!” (I hope you are feeling better now by the way) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 8:26am Seeing that her Aunt had no intention of telling her anything at that point she turned her attention to the large piece paper her Aunt had produced and pinned to the wall. Written in large letters at the top of the paper was Operation Get the Granny, and underneath this was Codename Christmas Play. “Why codename Christmas play,” Joey was definitely puzzled on this one. “Because once we leave this room we can’t refer to it by its proper name in case somebody catches us. So we need a codename!” Joey strongly suspected that her Aunt was watching too much TV, but Susan looked so pleased with her idea that she didn’t have the heart to point out that if they went around talking about Christmas plays in August they were going to attract a lot of attention. Paying attention to her Aunt again the pair spent the next few hours going over their plans for carrying operation Get the Granny the following day, until finally Susan rolled up her plan and said “Now do you know exactly what you have to do?” Joey nodded. Susan looked doubtfully at the plan in her hand and added, “ Maybe we should eat this in case anybody finds it!" |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Jennie on Aug 19th, 2003, 8:40am More please, lots more. Why not change Jo's appearence? Cutting off the plaited earphones would be fantastic. I have wicked dreams about being the one to do it. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by PatW on Aug 19th, 2003, 8:42am on 08/19/03 at 08:40:04, Jennie wrote:
And then give her a perm like Joan Baker's! :o :o |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 9:28am A couple of hours later Susan appeared in her nieces room to inform her that she was going out to attend to some business. Susan did indeed look very business like in a short-skirted black suit and red silk blouse. Waving goodbye at her niece she turned on her 6-inch high red stiletto’s and made her way from the hotel to a chorus of wolf whistles. Emerging from a taxi a short time later she entered a building and took the lift to the sixth floor. Waltzing into the reception she smiled at the receptionist and said in her breeziest fashion “Hold all Simons calls please”. “Wait a minute you can’t just walk in there. Mr Cowell is in the middle of a conference call!” the receptionist came out from behind her desk to stop her, but Susan was too quick for her and ducking round the other side of the desk she made a dive for the door. Falling into the room she managed to kick the door shut just as the girl reached it, a muffled “Ouch” could be heard but Susan ignored it and straightening her skirt marched up to the desk. “What is the meaning of this? I’m in the middle of an important call!” Simon was furious. Smiling down at him Susan calmly cut of his call and then removing videotape from her bag said, “I really think you should talk to me”. At the sight of the videotape held between Susan’s red tipped fingers Simon blanched, “Oh blackmail I suppose, how much do you want?” his voice dripped with scorn. “Silly boy Simon, I don’t want money!” Susan’s voice was soft and cooing and served to frighten Simon more than any menacing tone would. “I want you to leave my niece alone” “Your niece?” “Yes, Joey Maynard – my niece. Now you could get her disqualified for being silly enough to allow her self to be seduced by you. But, if you do that then a copy of this tape goes to every TV station and newspaper in the country. I don’t think Pop Idol is going to want you as a judge when they see you playing our little Chalet School game!” You did make a lovely schoolgirl though and as for the St Bernard costume!” Susan raised her eyes theatrically. It was impossible for Simon to go any whiter as he recalled their little dressing up sessions. “What do you want me to do?” he asked in a broken voice. “You stop threatening Joey, you be nice to her and you be nice about her singing. Then once this is all over I’ll give you this tape. OK?” Susan leaned over the desk and looked Simon straight in the eye. Dumbly he nodded his head; Susan smiled, patted his cheek and left the room. Quote:
Trust me, I have plans for Jo's hair! ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:01am How fabulous - I just knew Susan would be after Simon!! (I will be watching Pop Idol in a slightly different light!) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:59am I LOVE this!!!! ;D ;D Please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top, write some more! Before I expire from anticipation! *Vikki realises that she's never going to be abke to watch Pop Idol again without picturing Simon in a St Bernard costume!* ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 11:34am The next day Susan and Joey were up early in order to put their plan into action. Following her brush with the law Jo had decided that she should maybe keep a slightly lower profile for a while and so had resumed following her Granddaughter. Joey and Susan went to breakfast to find Jo already seated at a table wearing the gold lame miniskirt, which she appeared to have become very fond of, and a neat green woollen twin-set. She waved a slice of toast cheerfully at the pair scattering crumbs all over the waiter. Then recalling herself to the fact that she was currently at any rate not happy with the pair she changed it to a vaguely threatening gesture and an awful grimace. Susan stuck her tongue out at her mother with a will and then pinching a passing waiter’s bottom she swiped a piece of toast from the plate he was carrying. Susan and Joey took a seat at Jo’s table, the Maynard family had always believed in ignoring people close up rather than from a distance, and over cups of coffee and hot buttered toast proceeded to pointedly ignore Jo. Something which was sadly rather wasted on Jo, as once they were settled she had reverted to her previous occupation of pulling grotesque faces at a small boy on the opposite table. After breakfast Susan and Joey set out on stage one of Christmas play, Susan was sticking to her choice of code name. Joey took a seat in the lounge and waited for Jo to follow her in, whilst Susan disappeared. Sure enough Jo appeared in the doorway a few moments later, she looked slightly suspicious when she realised that Joey was alone, but she sat down anyway. Joey picked up her book and began to read, keeping one eye on her Grandmother, who had taken her knitting out of a bag. Once Joey reckoned Susan had been given enough time to get to her destination she closed her book and prepared to leave, at the look of panic in her Grandmother’s eyes she sat down again and allowed her to finish the row she was knitting. Then after untangling the giant scarf she was knitting from around her grandmother’s legs, the pair set off. Once Joey had managed to extract her Grandmother from the revolving doors of the hotel, she slowed her pace to one Jo could easily match, and started through the streets of London for Bud’s flat. Jo, on leaving the hotel had at once bent to tie her lace in order to give Joey sufficient time to get in front, before diving from shop doorway to doorway in hot pursuit. “Really” thought Joey as she watched her Grandmother with a trilby hat she had acquired from somewhere pulled down low over her eyes, peering round the edge of a door, “it’s high time somebody started monitoring what she and Aunt Susan are watching on TV!” |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 1:09pm Eventually they reached the quiet street where Bud lived, stopping to examine a shop window Joey could see Susan close in behind her mother. Susan’s idea of a suitable outfit for kidnapping Jo in was an army camouflage pair of hot pants, black skinny rib jumper and nails painted to match her shorts, fortunately the street was deserted apart for themselves so she was not attracting any attention. Crossing the road Joey headed down an alleyway, which ran along side Bud’s flat. Jo automatically followed, but when she arrived at the head of the alley there was no sign of Joey. Jo was suddenly suspicious, so darting down the alleyway she quickly looked for a place to hide. Seeing her mother taking to her heels Susan quickly followed, but there was no sign of Jo. Gesturing to Bud and Joey to come out from under the fire escape where they had hidden Susan scanned the alley. “Well, she can’t have gone far, this is a dead end!” Bud informed them. Suddenly there came a noise from some dustbins at the end of the alley. Susan and Bud made to start forward but Joey grabbed their arms. “Sssh, she’s throwing stones to try and make us think she’s down there.” she whispered to them, “I think she is hiding behind the skip.” Looking towards the skip halfway down the alley Susan suppressed a yelp of excitement; just visible over the edge of it was one of Jo’s giant grey earphones. Another stone hit the bins at the end, winking at her fellow conspirators Susan said loudly “She’s down there at the end, lets get her!” Starting down the alley the three appeared to be heading for the bins, but just as they came level with the skip they pounced. Grabbing the cornored Jo, Susan quickly loosened the long grey plaits and wrapped them round Jo’s body, effectively binding her. Joey and Bud quickly picked up the struggling Jo between them and carried her up the fire escape to Bud’s apartment, Susan triumphantly leading the way holding the end of one of the plaits. Once in the living room of the flat the furious Jo was placed in a chair and secured there by her long hair. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 19th, 2003, 1:16pm Excellent! ;D (I always thought she should have kept it cropped ;)) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 3:51pm Over the next few weeks the intrepid trio were able to keep Jo imprisoned in the flat. Once she had calmed down and stopped trying to bite everyone who went near her Joey explained to her that it was just until the contest was over. By using her long plaits, which were well past floor length, they were able to allow her to move between the various rooms without ever being completely untied. They removed all the personal items she had brought to England with her from her hotel room, and once she was surrounded by her photograph albums, books, typewriter, pictures, toy St Bernard dog and the standard lamp she seemed to settle down quite happily. Joey, Susan and Bud took turn about at guarding her and life progressed with a relative peace. Jo made the occasional attempt at escape, mainly when she was bored with her knitting or there was nothing on the TV. Thankfully the quick complaints of the downstairs neighbours alerted them to her attempts to tunnel out of the place. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Susan on Aug 19th, 2003, 3:59pm Absolutley hysterical. Love it. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 19th, 2003, 6:38pm Ow! My sides ache from laughing!!!! What are you doing to us? ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 19th, 2003, 6:43pm Does Joey wear the gold Lame miniskirt and green twinset throughout? The mental image is almost enough to scare the horses! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by claire on Aug 19th, 2003, 7:19pm I'm wondering if it's the green twinset Biddy knitted her in the series :D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 19th, 2003, 7:22pm I am hoping it is Joey's usual shade of lime green that she seems to think suits her so well during the series. Mmmm lime green and gold lame - time for me to hit the shops I DON'T think! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 19th, 2003, 7:25pm Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Carolyn P on Aug 19th, 2003, 7:57pm What fun :D :D :D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by edith on Aug 19th, 2003, 8:21pm I'm getting hysterics!!! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 8:43pm Next section will be coming soon, hubby decided to do some work on the internet connection so I have not had a chance to post! >:( |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 8:56pm Joey sung in the following heats without any distractions from her Grandmother or further problems from Simon. Each time Joey found her self getting through to the next round, until finally she was down to the last two. The excitement emanating from Susan and Joey on the day of the final heat seemed to effect Jo, she started off the day by attempting to write ‘Get Help’ messages in tomato sauce on the windows. The effect when viewed from outside was as if a particularly nasty massacre had occurred, Bud cleaned the windows whilst Jo squirted the sauce at him. When they finally succeeded in removing the bottle from her she started trying to do star jumps and high kicks. Leaving her to it, in the hope that she would eventually tire herself, Joey and Bud departed for the studio. Susan was left to guard Jo, something she wasn’t too happy about! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 19th, 2003, 9:17pm Tire herself? Kill herself surely? Starjumps and highkicks at her age? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 9:32pm Hey she's kept herself fit and healthy! They were not very high highkicks anyway. ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 19th, 2003, 9:34pm I should hope not in that skirt :o |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 9:50pm Once at the studios, Joey threw her self into rehearsing, picking an outfit and getting her make up done. The audience was starting to arrive and from the wings Joey could see a solid mass of Maynard, Bettany and Russell Aunts, Uncles and cousins take their seats in the front four rows. At last the show began, the two contestants walked on stage to talk to the judges and hosts. From the first four rows there came the sound of rustling sweet bags and muted arguments over who had eaten all the black jelly babies and who had had the peppermint humbugs last. The hosts did their best to ignore them but Joey found it strangely comforting knowing that so many of them had turned up and not been arrested yet. Once the preliminaries were out the way Joey and the other contestant left the stage for a few minutes to allow them to set up the mikes. As she left the stage a voice called “Cooee, Joey over here”, and there dancing up and down in her silver platform trainers was Auntie Susan. “What are you doing here?” Joey hissed at her as Susan dropped her bag and rushed over to hug her niece. Grabbing her by the arm Joey pulled her into a corner so they couldn’t be overheard.” Who’s watching Gra.. the Christmas play?” “Relax, I tied one of her plaits to a door on one wall and the other to the door on the other wall. Trust me she isn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t miss your big night. Susan gave her most reassuring smile. “And anyway, I have to return a certain item to Simon!” Unbeknown to the two women they were being watched. Simon had seen Susan’s entrance and had also seen her drop her bag. A corner of a videotape could be seen sticking out of the bag. Smiling to himself Simon picked up the tape and went back to his table on the stage. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:01pm dum dum dummmmmmmmmmmmmm! :o please do not leave us in suspense! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:35pm At that point the two contestants were called to return to the stage, so Joey gave her Aunt a quick hug and prepared to go and sing the most important song of her life. Her rival, a boy by the name of Claude, was the first to sing. As he finished the entire audience, bar the first four rows, burst into applause. Then it was Joey’s turn. She took her place at the centre of the stage and the front four rows automatically gave her a standing ovation. Looking out at them as she waited for order to be restored she could make out the occasional face in the darkness. Her father and mother were next to Auntie Len and her husband, whilst behind them sat Kevin and Kester Russell, dressed identically as always, with Albino second cousin, three times removed Bert. As they all took their seats again, Joey’s eye was drawn to the sudden opening of a door at the top of the audience seats. For a brief instance a figure was silhouetted against the light from the hall. Joey had only enough time to take in the tall figure crowned by a shock of short hair, sticking up in little ducks tails all over her head, before the door closed and the person vanished from sight. Jo had escaped! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:46pm To go back a few hours, when Susan had left Jo suspended by her plaits, escape had certainly seemed impossible. However, Jo had not been a Chalet Schoolgirl and guide for nothing! Sliding the zip of her gold mini skirt down she had managed to wriggle out of it. Then hooking it onto her foot she high kicked it up into the air and caught it. (Told you those high kicks would come in handy!) Then using the teeth of the zip she had slowly and painstakingly sawed through her two plaits. When she had finally freed herself she had gone through the house to arm herself with whatever she could find. Unfortunately all she could find was a large clear Perspex ring with a pink flower in it and a roll of cling film, she put the ring on and took the cling film just in case. Then spilling Susan ‘s rucksack of make-up onto the floor she proceeded to paint her face commando style in green and blue eyeshadow. Thus prepared she went out into the warm evening and headed for the studio. To be continued - tomorrow! :-* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:58pm *emits a strangled noise and slides gently off her chair, weeping silently with mirth* (or something like, anyway...) oh, this is so funny... i don't want it to end *sigh* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 19th, 2003, 10:59pm Okay, I'm crying now! ;) Ianswythe, you simply CANNOT leave us all in suspense overnight! Do you WANT to be lynched? ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 11:06pm You people are so demanding! I'm afraid you are just going to have to posses your souls in patience until tomorrow to find out what Jo will do next. I think I'm too tired to type now because all I can see running through my mind is Jo descending towards the stage by a series of ninja style jumps and somersaults! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 19th, 2003, 11:11pm *heaves a deep sigh and begins to possess her soul in patience* I suppose I really ought to go to bed soon anyway... |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 19th, 2003, 11:13pm *directs a sulky look at Ianswythe, and supposes she'll HAVE to wait!* ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 19th, 2003, 11:19pm Miss Annersley would be so proud of you girls! Nighty night! :) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 19th, 2003, 11:26pm *relieves feelings by sticking tongue out at Ianswythe's retreating back* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 20th, 2003, 12:07am *Pedantic Rachel wonders why Joey had to saw through both plaits with the zip of the gold lame mini skirt. Couldn't she have found a pair of scissors after freeing herself by one plait? Alternatively, surely as a good chalet school girl and ex-guide, she could have used the mini skirt as some kind of fetching snood to keep the ends out of her eyes once she was on her way to Pop Idol contest* <Shudder at idea of 80 year old Joey Maynard turning somersaults and doing high kicks attired in NOTHING but a lime green twin set> |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Carolyn P on Aug 20th, 2003, 12:27am [quote author=Rachel link=board=drabble;num=1061068362;start=90#99 date=08/20/03 at 00:07:05 Shudder at idea of 80 year old Joey Maynard turning somersaults and doing high kicks attired in NOTHING but a lime green twin set[/quote] LOL quite alot What a picture. I do hope this is finished before I go away in the morning! ed why has this quote gone wrong? |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 7:14am Joey turned to where Susan waiting in the wings with the ever faithful Bud by her side. Gesturing frantically at them, she mouthed the words "She's escaped!" But then her music started and she had to turn her attention to giving the finest performance of her life. She caught sight of Susan and Bud creeping quietly down into the audience and she could only hope and pray that they would manage to catch Jo in time. From the audience there came the sounds of people being stood on, climbed over and sat on. After what seemed like the longest three minutes of her life the song finished and turned to hear from the judges for one last time. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 7:25am Susan and Bud arrived down at the front of the stage having been unable to catch Jo, who appeared to have vanished. Squeezing their way in between a Russell and an adopted Maynard on the front row they made themselves comfortable and prepared to keep an eye on the stage. Claude joined Joey on stage to hear what the judges had thought of the performances and who they believed would win. Simon, with the smug memory of a certain videotape hidden in the desk drawer, saved Joey till last. Then hitching up the waist band of his trousers until they sat comfortably under his armpits, he turned to her with an evil smile on his face. “What a travesty of a performance that was! Tell me, what made you think you could ever be a pop star? On a scale of 1 to 10, that wasn’t even a zero!” Simon, ignoring the grinding of teeth coming from the front rows, was just getting into his stride when suddenly a figure came swinging onto the stage. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 8:11am Jo had actually been up above the stage in amongst the lighting gantries. She had seen Susan and Bud come after her and had managed to make her way back stage without being caught. There finding a ladder she had climbed it, thus ending up directly above the stage and able to watch the proceedings from there. When the judges had started to pass comment she had been inspecting the fire sprinkler system to see if there was any way she could activate it, however Simon's comments made her stop and listen to what was being said. Spying a rope tied off to one of the gantries she had promptly decided that there was more fun to be had on the stage. Untying the rope, and with a swift prayer that the other end was actually securely fixed to something which would take her weight, Jo had gone swinging across the stage. To land in a heap at Simon's feet. Whereupon she had yelled "Don't you talk about my Joey like that you.. you flour flushing, crack jawed son of a..." and then promptly started to beat him about the knees with the roll of cling film she still held. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 9:12am The rest of the family, seeing their beloved matriarch on the stage, rushed en masse to join her and a terrified Simon disappeared beneath the force of their fury. Joey turned to see Susan standing by her elbow, raking in her handbag and muttering to herself “Where has it gone?” “Do you think should we try and stop them?” Joey’s voice made it clear that she had no desire to make any attempt to try and save Simon from the mob surrounding him. “Nah, they’ll get bored shortly!” and saying this Susan thrust herself into the crowd using her elbows and knees to forge a path through to the centre. There she found Jo, still on the floor, happily wrapping her cling film round Simon’s legs. “Come on Mamma dear, time to go.” Jo looked up at Susan. “Can’t I have five minutes more please?” she asked hopefully, but Susan shook her head. “No, I think we can leave it to the others now. Anyway you’re showing your knickers sitting like that.” and Susan helped Jo to her feet and guided her back to where Joey was waiting. “Hello dear. Very nice song that was!” Jo smiled at her Granddaughter. Jo had in actual fact forgotten weeks ago exactly why she was trying to knobble Joey, but had been enjoying herself so had continued anyway. “How about a nice cup of tea?” Joey enquired of her Aunt and Grandmother. “You go ahead, I have one last thing to do” Susan told them. Leaving her to it Joey and Jo went off to find themselves a restorative cup of tea. Once they had gone Susan turned to where a very battered and bruised Simon was sitting. As she had predicted the various family members had all got bored and wandered off to more interesting pursuits. The only one left was Auntie Madge, past 100, blind and in a wheelchair, she had still insisted on being allowed to join in the melee. She was now sitting blindly swiping her handbag vaguely in the general direction of Simon. Gently pushing her out of harms way Susan walked up to Simon and stood looking down at him. “You stole the tape” it was more a statement than a question. Simon shot a triumphant look up at her out of two rapidly swelling eyes. Pulling the tape out of his pocket he waved it in her face. “Ha, you thought you could get one over on me. I am Simon the great, the invincible, the powerful!” Simon started to cackle with laughter and Susan looked from him to the tape, a puzzled expression on her face. “That’s not the tape! That one has got a Sound of Music label on it.” Simon looked at the tape in his hand, which did indeed have a label proclaiming it to be the Sound of Music. “That’s odd! I thought I had returned that to the video store. I took it out for Mamma to watch but she found it boring. She put the tape back in the box for me to return it!” a look of dawning comprehension was lighting up Susan’s face. Suddenly she knew what Jo had found so funny on the TV the other evening when everyone had gone to bed. “That means your tape must be…” Simon was on his feet and running to the door before she finished the sentence. In the distance she heard him shout, “Where is the nearest Blockbuster?” Left to her self Susan murmured “I didn’t get it from Blockbuster,” shrugged her shoulders and went to join her mother and Joey. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ally on Aug 20th, 2003, 9:56am *Weeping gently* this is so good, the mental images that have been conjoured up... |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:05am I'm aching so much from laughing that I have no idea how I'm going to manage to work today!! ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:08am Epilogue One year later Joey buried her toes further into the warm sand and thought back over all that had happened. Following the debacle of the final show the producers had had no option but to cancel it. Claude had been offered a recording contract from a record company and had gone on to have two top 10 hits before fading into obscurity. Joey went and got herself a manager. Her first single stormed the charts at number one as did the next five. Her first album had gone platinum in its first week. A tour of Europe and America had quickly followed, and Joey was now enjoying her first holiday for a year. Thanks to the guidance of a personal stylist Joey was also now the second most photographed woman in the world. The first was Aunt Susan! Yes, the year had been good to Joey, thanks mainly to her inspired choice of manager, her Grandmother. For a woman who had been notoriously bad at maths at school, she had proved remarkably astute when it came to managing money. She also had quite a unique method of handling people, which reduced even the most awkward record producers to blushing middles. And of course with Aunt Susan as her stylist, she was fast becoming the most fashionable woman in the world. Joey looked over to where Aunt Susan was teaching Jo, who had developed quite a passion for mini skirts, how to do the Funky Chicken. Her security guard Bud was staring up at his beloved Susan with adoring eyes as he paddled in the warm Caribbean Sea. It was ironic really that Bud had turned out to have started life as Chalet schoolgirl Jack Lambert, one of the first women to obtain a sex change in Britain. Joey jumped up from her lounger and went to join in with dancing the Funky Chicken. Life was definitely good! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ari on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:15am ;D ;D ;D Oh my gawd! This was a scream to read (literally!)... Absolutely brilliant. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:17am OW, OW!! I'm actually crying with laughter! ;D ;D ;D ;D Ianswythe, this was inspired! ;) ;) ;) ;) (Of course, it's also just very slightly libellous! Do you think we should send Simon Cowell a copy?) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ally on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:25am *Applause* ;D Thank you, that was absolutely brilliant! You don't happen to be looking after any more Plot Bunnies do you? ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:34am Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!! That was superb, very very funny and my only regret is that it's now ended... *sigh* *picks self up from floor, still shaking slightly with laughter* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Kathryn on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:39am ROTL!! ;D That was great. Australia has just had our version of Idol and I can just imagine Joey swinging down on the stage attacking Simon. Love the bit about Jack Lambert. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:43am I think it is our duty to send a copy of this to Mr Cowell ;D Maybe he would oblige by sending pictures of himself dressed in the St Bernard outfit? By the way - what happened to the video tape? Good story though - very very funny! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:47am Rachel, the videotape got mixed up with "The Sound of Music" and sent back to the video shop! ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:48am The video tape actually achieved cult status, with copies selling on the black market for up to £100 a tape. Disclaimer: Any resemblemance of characters to persons living or now dead is purely accidental -honest! ;) I also have a horrible feeling that Susan, Jo, Joey and Bud may all ride again one day through the wasteland of my brain. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:51am on 08/20/03 at 10:48:08, Ianswythe wrote:
Please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top, let this be very, very soon!!!!! :-* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 20th, 2003, 10:51am Only £100? Thought it would be worth more considering it also features Aunt Susan - the worlds most photographed woman. And I love the idea of Bud turning out to be Jack Lambert! Who else can we inflict sex changes on to make them into much more interesting people? Rachel ~ off to "muse" |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachael P on Aug 20th, 2003, 11:00am This was brilliant - thank you :D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Esmeralda on Aug 20th, 2003, 1:03pm Marvelous - Thank Goodness I managed to get some sense out of my PC before I have to go to work!!!! I was in a foul mood earlier - now, I'm laughing too much to be grumpy. My only regret is that it is all over. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Jennie on Aug 20th, 2003, 1:07pm Great Stuff! I haven't had such a good laugh for ages. This is addictive. Before this, I thought I was the only one mad enough to do this sort of thing, so you can understand what a relief it is for me. Please, pretty please, may we have some more very, very soon. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 1:12pm Welcome to the CS lunatic asylum Jennie! ;D New inmates are always welcomed with open arms.(especially if they can add to the silliness!) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Rachel on Aug 20th, 2003, 1:14pm Silliness? But I thought this was all taken from notes left by EBD on story lines she had intended to write herself! Shatter MY illusions why dont ya! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 1:22pm AW! Sorry Rachel! *sends big hug in apology for illusion shattering* :-* :-* (I guess it's a good job I didn't mention Santa Claus.....?) ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 2:02pm Ok, given that Aunt Susan and Jo have moved into my head and are refusing to leave I guess I'm going to have to let them have one last adventure. I don't actually mind them living there if only Susan would keep the noise down and not wear such high heels and if Jo would stop going around and picking things up and then putting them down again in the wrong place. I can't find a single thing in my head at the moment! If it starts to get boring just tell me to shut up. :-X Joey was sprawled full length on the couch mulling over some song lyrics, the two years which had passed since the Pop Idol contest had seen her diversify from merely singing songs to writing and producing them as well. Consequently she was now one of the most successful artists in Britain and America. Granny Jo, who was still her manager, was sitting in her favourite vibrating chair, knitting. Since her favourite gold lame miniskirt had been ripped 6 months before during a particularly energetic rendition of the hokey cokey she had searched high and low for a replacement. Unable to find one with quite its sparkle and stretchy qualities, Jo was now attempting to knit herself one using a variety of different yarns, she was currently on version 5 in a gold elastic. Aunt Susan had gone dancing with her faithful suitor Bud, so the house was quiet with only Joey, her Grandmother and the recently acquired family dog to disturb the peace. Flake, the 9-month-old Chocolate Labrador who had yet to learn the secrets of co-ordination, kicked and whined as in his dreams he chased little furry things without tripping up. From outside there came the screech of car tyres on gravel and the sound of the front door banging shut. Into the room erupted a blonde woman, screeching and jumping up and down. Flinging herself onto Joey’s knee she thrust a hand into her face, nearly taking Joey’s eye out in the process, and displayed a large diamond ring whilst shouting, “I’m getting married!” “AAAGH” shrieked Joey “AAAAGH” shrieked Susan in return. “AAAGH?” shrieked Jo in query. Standing up, and causing Aunt Susan to slide from her knee to the floor, Joey ran over to the blushing, delighted Bud and hugged him. Susan hugged Jo, Jo hugged Joey and Bud hugged Susan, Flake, getting a sneaky feeling he was missing out on something, came galloping out of his bed to join them. Forgetting to tell his back legs to stop, he ended up turning a back somersault and landing flat on his back in the centre of a group hug, from which position he enthusiastically added his voice to the congratulations. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Lisa_T on Aug 20th, 2003, 2:38pm has Jo (the first) worked out that Bud is actually Jack Lambert? BTW, people, on the adverts for upcoming shows in our opera house, one of the actors named I think is 'gay lambert'. I did a double take and had to re read it to check I wasnt imagining things. CS has gone to my brain! |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 2:52pm Quote:
Oh yes. Jo actually realised Bud was Jack the first time she met him and it was she who told the others.. Jo never really minded Felix becoming Susan, she was in actual fact quite happy to end up with an extra daughter out of it. She just enjoyed being difficult! She has also occasionaly tried to talk her other sons into having sex changes but has not met with much success so far! ;) |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 20th, 2003, 2:57pm When what passed for order in the Maynard abode had been restored the happy couple was toasted with Pink Gin, and Susan was able to tell exactly how Bud had proposed. “Oh, it was so romantic, he hid the ring in amongst two dozen Gladioli. My favourite flower. Then he went down on one knee, right there in the centre of the disco and said Susie doll, marry me!” Susan collapsed in a flood of joyful tears as she recalled the proposal. Jo stood up, hitched up her lime green, velour mini skirt, which had begun to fall down in the excitement, and looked in her various pockets for a handkerchief to give to the soggy Susan. Not finding one she picked up Flake’s doggy blanket and handed it to Susan to blow her nose on instead, then patted her on her head before wandering off murmuring something about finding her wedding veil. “Joey, I want to give a grand engagement party so I can tell all the family my news,” Aunt Susan announced wiping her eyes on the blanket. Flake slithered up to her and gently taking one end of the blanket in his mouth attempted to remove his property back to its rightful place. “Yes, a grand, stupendous party. I’m going to invite everyone” she declared flinging her arms wide and causing Flake, blanket in mouth, to go skidding across the floor before coming to an abrupt stop at the foot of a chair. Where he promptly went to sleep. Joey suppressed a shudder at the mention of a family gathering. At the last such party three members of the family had been arrested and two had made the national news. However, this was Aunt Susan’s big news and Joey would do anything to make her Aunt Susan happy. At this point Jo came back from her search for her own wedding veil, having been unable to find the aged veil she had pilfered the net curtains from every window in the house instead. Granny Jo, Aunt Susan and Joey spent the rest of the evening happily dressing each other in the curtains, whilst a smiling Bud looked on. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Vikki on Aug 20th, 2003, 11:06pm Ianswythe, the plot bunnies have really done a number on you haven't they?! ;) Seriously though, I love this! It had me in stitches again!! By the way, has Granny Jo grown her pigtails back yet? ;D |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 21st, 2003, 1:27pm ow, ow, ow, I hurt from laughing now... hurrah for the return of the madness! *rejoices* |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 21st, 2003, 7:59pm Aunt Susan spent the rest of the week organising her party. Having decided on a theme of sheets and pillowcases, all those school stories of her mothers had a lot to answer for, she notified the large Maynard, Russell and Bettany clan by the simple method of putting an advert in the obituary pages of all the main national and international papers. All family members read these pages avidly in case there were any inheritances in the offing. Proper invites were sent out to non family members who were lucky enough to be invited to what Hello magazine was citing as THE EVENT of the year. Unfortunately Mary-Lou never did receive her invite, it had somehow found its way into Flake's bed, where he obligingly shredded it. The day of the party dawned bright and dry. The small band of caterers hired to feed the hoards arrived early and began bringing in huge trays of cream cakes, sandwiches, cream cakes, jellies and a few cream cakes - just in case! Jo, with the memory of a long ago party, had made up a few extra sandwiches with fillings such as tripe, dog food and chili paste. She then hid these in amongst the less exotic sandwiches, causing three people to suffer rather nasty bouts of food poisoning. Joey found her Aunt Susan wrestling with some bright pink silk sheets as she tried to make a costume for her self, not being a very good sewer she had resorted to staples to try and hold it together. "Where is Granny? Joey enquired. "She is upstairs throwing water bombs at the two extra caterers. She doesn't seem to like them much!" Aunt Susan was gazing at her costume with a puzzled air. " What extra caterers?" Joey asked idly. "I asked for 6 and I got 8, I assume it was hire 3 get 1 free." Susan told her niece, turning her costume upside down to see if it looked any better. "Oh, ok," and Joey wandered off to try and persuade Jo to at least use cold water and not boiling water in her waterbombs. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by xanthe on Aug 21st, 2003, 8:28pm The intrigue! The suspense! The hysterical laughter making my dad think there is something wrong... :-[ |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 21st, 2003, 9:21pm The three women were assembled in the hall by 6 o'clock, ready to meet their guests. Susan had finally given up on her pink sheets and had instead taken a pair of black silk sheets and stapled them down the sides, leaving holes for her arms and head. Once on she had then tied it about her waist with a long string of pearls, added a veil from pillowcase and a large diamante cross and declared herself a nun. Joey, who had even less sewing skills than her Aunt, had got round her costume dillema by simply wrapping the sheet round her toga style. Jo outdid them both by appearing dressed in her red leotard and support tights, with a sheet as a cape and pillowcase worn nappy style on top of her tights. She was Supergran! "Oooo, here come somebody. It's cousin Sybil!" cooed Aunt Susan. "Quick mamma, go and move your motorcycle, you know she can't turn her head since her last neck lift!" Jo scuttled off to move her pride and joy, the motorcycle and sidecar which had been her last birthday gift from Joey and Susan. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Susan on Aug 22nd, 2003, 1:06am Luckily I am on my own no need to explain the hysterical laughter to anyone!! Unless anyone is lurking behind the sofa at one in the morning. Looking forward to hearing more about the party and feeling thankful that our planned family reunion is over for this year so no need to worry about mad aunts until next year. |
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Title: Re: Pop idol Post by Ianswythe on Aug 22nd, 2003, 11:29am For the next half-hour Susan, Jo and Joey were kept very busy welcoming their guests and learning exactly which branches of the family were currently engaged in feuds. The female members had all shown true Chalet School ingenuity when it came to their costumes and had all together produced; 14 angels, 9 ghosts, 8 French peasants, 6 ancient Greeks, 4 nuns and 1 mummy. However, when it was discovered that Aillie Russell had cut her sheets to make her mummy costume she was promptly disqualified from all subsequent competitions. The male members of the family had only managed to produce two ancient Greeks, one of whom, David Russell, had left his vest on. The others had all wilfully misunderstood the invite and had brought their dirty bed linen in the hopes of having it washed for them. Once everyone had arrived they all surged towards the tables containing the refreshments and silence reined for some time whilst they all ate and drank their fill. Afterwards the men in the family all sloped off to the garden where Aunt Susan had kindly arranged clock golf for them. Although not actually knowing what clock golf was she had been forced to improvise and had set up a series of clocks which the men had to try to knock over by hitting them with golf balls. The women were left to progressive games and country dancing which, once they realised that crafty Jo had locked them all in the room and hidden the key, they all joined in with a will. It was an hour later, during a heated game of charades that Joey decided to go and change out of her sheet. Having experienced her Grandmother’s party lock-ins in the past, she had had the foresight to hide a key to the room in a potted plant. Slipping out of the room she left Con’s twin daughters Mary Margaret and Margaret M |