The End of Arse End of the Universe
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#1: The End of Arse End of the Universe Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair; sometimes in Hampshire, England, UK, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, Universe PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:39 am

The End of Arse End of the Universe

Rachel TW was standing in her kitchen, checking the spawn had packed everythign they needed for a stayover with Arse End. She had made sure both spawn had clean nightclothes, a change of play clothes and their toothbrushes. The spawn had been u-p since five o'clock as was their wont when Arsey was due, mainly so they could ask at least thirty eight times "When will he get here?"

Eventually the latch clicked on the gate, and Arsey walked in, wearing his usual stupid grin that he thought made him look dashing and debonair but in reliaty made him look as though someone had shoved a chilli in an interestin gplace.

Arsey walked down the path, and the spawn opened the door to him. He didn't try to enter the house, not after the screaming he had received the time he had just walked in as if he owned the place. Despite both spawn being more than ready to leave, having been wearing their shoes and jackets for the last hour, Arsey showed no signs of moving off. He loitered, leaning on RTWs clothes line, and she made a mental note to get the steam cleaners and Environmental Health people out again.

"So," he said.
"What?" asked RTW.
"Ummm, how have the kids been?"
"Why don't you ask them? They are standing right next to you and surprisingly they are both still capable of speech," RTW replied.
"Errr, ok."

After a pause (which on any other message board would be known as a "pregnant pause" but I am not foolish enough to even risk that on here!) Arsey shuffled his feet.

"Well," he said, his one lonely brain cell weeping for the greatness it could have achieved given a quarter of a chance and lodgins in a single celled amoeba.
"What time will you bring them back tomorrow then?" asked RTW, deciding he was never going to leave at this rate. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted one of the garden gnomes begina a stealthy approach.

Choking back a snigger, RTW waited for Arsey to compute the question into grunts and decipher it. Out of the corner of another eye, she spotted another gnome creeping closer.

A tiny voice, hardly audible to the average human ear suddenly dried out "STEALTH KIPPERING!" and Arsey was left wondering what had hit him. RTW could easily have told him, having spotted the little gnome that went by the name of Vikki running back into the shrubbery. Whilst Arsey was rubbing his face and still wondering what had hit him, the other little gnome was busily engaged placing mathese into the top of his shoes. With a little chuckle of sheer pleasure, Rosie the gnome, flicking her ginger plaits over her shoulders, nonchalantly lit a last match and placed it against all the pre-arranged matches, which did what matches do best and caught fire.

The latch clicked once more, and Arsey turned to see who it was, despite the fact he didn't live here, only visited twice a year and new nobody in this area. A cute little girl of apparently twelve years or so was standing looking seriously at Arsey.

"Are you FS's daddy?" she asked in a high g.
"Ummmm," repied Arsey.
"well are you?" persisted the little girl, still in a high g.
"Yes?" guessed Arse End.
"Oh goody!" cried Xanthe and shot him with her pea shooter.

The latch clicked again, and an irate Chloë staggered in, still obviously half asleep and muttering "moron" every so often. Arsey looked in bewilderment at the two girls. Never before had he been confronted by two identical human beings, and he knew he would never be able to tell which of them it was that had shot him. Chloë dragged Xanthe off, still giggling in that high note, and could the muttering of "moron" could be heard growing ever fainter.

Arsey wondered if he was being tricked when once more the wooden gate latch clicked. In walked two obvious "old" women, done up in true pantomime style and crying out "Oh me feet! Lwaks! Oh me heart! Lawks! 'Old me up duck!" every so often. Susan and Ellie were revelling in this role, playing it for everything they were worth. Arsey looked at them in disgust, hating old people on the basis that he wasn't one. He soon regretted allowing this feeling to show on his face when he received two swift kicks in the chippolatas, followed up by being bashed on the head by zimmer frames now miraculously not required by the two old biddies who giggled and ran from the garden.


RTW was now openly giggling, and feeling very lucky in her choices of friends. These people knew how horrible Arsey had been to her and were showing solidarity in the best possible way. A shower of carefully aimed stink bombs, complete with note saying "Courtesy of Kathy" rained down with surprising accuracy on top of Arsey, who failed to notice this as his single brain cell was still struggling with the highly complex question RTW had asked previously.

At this point, he smelt burning, and started sniffing the air.
"Are you cooking?" he asked, earning himself an angry glare from RTW. She needed do no more than that however as at this point Sugar walked in the garden. She walked up the path, stared Arsey in the face and poked him in the eye. RTW sniggerd some more.

After a delay, Arsey realised his feet were on fire, but his little brain cell was too tired to do more than register this.

"About five tomorrow." Arsey replied at last.
"Fine," replied RTW, closing the door after kissing the two spawn and waving them out of the garden.

Arsey was relieved to have escaped so lightly on this trip. Or so he thought.

All went well until he had dropped the spawn off the following day. After giving RTW a hard time over the state of the spawn's clothing as usual, and complaing that she took all his money and he could hardly afford to eat any more and he had to wear designer clothes because that was all the shop sold, he walked out the garden and went toward his car. He nearly made it to his car. In fact, he had his key in the door of his car. At that point Kathye stepped up.

"You made several mistakes," she said softly.
"Uh?" was his intelligent response.
"First, you thought you could treat RTW as an ordinary human, You failed to take on board that she is now RTW and has Power."
"Uh?"
"Second, you didn't realise she has friends with similar Powers."
"Uh?"
"And third, you failed to realise that in every tale there is a moral. In this one the moral is simple."
"Uh?"
"Bugs. Get. Squished." said kathye, stamping hard on his buggy head.

RTW smiled with satisfaction in her garden, listening to the squelching noises from outside. Today looked like being a very good day.

 

#2:  Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:43 am

*cheering far more loudly than is prudent given the sleeping sib*

*hurrah!*

and RTW, hope that made you feel happier Mr. Green

 

#3:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:46 am

Oh oh oh oh oh!!!!!!

Rachel, I knew it'd be, funny, but this is totally crazy and wonderful!!!!

 

#4:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:47 am

So glad to have been of service RTW, but I thought they were cocktail sausages Exclamation
Brilliantly inspired, oh powerful one.

 

#5:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:49 am

Rachel this is RTW at her best. Hysterical.

Susan - wobbling away clinging to her zimmer frame.

 

#6:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:54 am

Razz yay ...... that was sooooooo funny!

 

#7:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 6:32 am

Notrhing less than he deserved!!! Laughing

*Lesley wishing she could have taken part in the squishing*

 

#8:  Author: Nicole, Location: New Zealand PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 7:28 am

Absolutely wonderful, Rachel ROFL ROFL

 

#9:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 7:29 am

Oh, my! I wish I had had friends like that years ago! Twisted Evil

 

#10:  Author: Cathy, Location: Australia PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 7:57 am

PatMac wrote:
Oh, my! I wish I had had friends like that years ago! Twisted Evil


So do I!!! So nice to see a complete you-know-what getting what he deserved. Pity it was only a drabble ...

Loved the bit where he complained about RTW taking all his money and how he had to wear designer clothes. Do you think there's script that they all read from???

 

#11:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 9:34 am

That was wonderful, bet it made you feel better. Laughing Laughing
Wish I could have helped.

 

#12:  Author: Chloë, Location: London: when away from home planet! PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 9:42 am

Yay thnaks Rachel this really cheered me up!

 

#13:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 11:31 am

Hooray!! Wonderful RTW! All hail oh powerful one!

 

#14:  Author: Kathye, Location: Laleham PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 11:50 am

he he he Twisted Evil he he he

So glad I got to squish him at the end ROFL

So glad I read this, this morning as the splutters of RTW spewing from my mouth would have definitely woken Megan up.

So glad to have friends like these. Very Happy

 

#15:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 11:52 am

Oh Rachel thank you!!!!!

Soooo very funny!!!!

 

#16:  Author: Ciorstaidh, Location: London PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 2:38 pm

Cathy wrote:
PatMac wrote:
Oh, my! I wish I had had friends like that years ago! Twisted Evil


So do I!!! So nice to see a complete you-know-what getting what he deserved. Pity it was only a drabble ...


Cathy, you seem to forget the RL power of drabbles. Twisted Evil

And Rachel, now I see what you mean by stealth kippering... ROFL ROFL ROFL

 

#17:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 3:55 pm

Rachel, I'm so disappointed in this drabble. I didn't get to poke sharp pointed sticks down his ears. Please remember that next time you want to destroy someone.

 

#18:  Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 4:13 pm

YAY!!!! I got to play with fire!!! *runs off giggling madly, ginger plaits flying*

 

#19:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sat Apr 03, 2004 9:37 am

Yay Rachel. Good for you girl, and the various CBB gnomes etc!

 

#20:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sat Apr 03, 2004 4:45 pm

*wonders how Rachel went with arsey this morning!*
*hopes something nearly as nasty as the events in this drabble happened to him!!*

 

#21:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Apr 03, 2004 4:48 pm

Or even nastier!

 

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