The CBB :: View topic - "Rachel's New House"

#1: "Rachel's New House" Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:15 pm

OK, so not really CS, but I am CBB so I am posting here. Ner ner ner ner ner and watch how I post with impunity!

Let me start at the beginning . . .

Saturday 25th September. The sun was attempting to shine as the alarm went off at 6.30 am.

I crawled out of bed and shrieked at the kids to wriggle, stripped the beds and flung the bedding into bin liners, took down curtains, drugged the cats and went and made a coffee.

8am, the removal company was due.

8am came and went.

8.15.

8.30.

Phoned the removal company and got the answer machine. Such a witty message. Sod that! I want to know where my van and men are!

I didn't leave a message.

8.45 van and two men turn up. Somewhat surprised as it was supposed to be a van and 3 men.

No matter.

We can work with this.

Two men require several gallons of tea and a few tons of biscuits before they start loading up.

This is ok. They are a professional company; they know how to do this job.

About an hour and a half later, nineteenth tea break and they decide they need another man to help them.

They phone their friend, Titch, who agrees to come round and help.

Two men decide not to work while waiting - they have another tea break instead.

Rachel begins looking pointedly at her watch.

Man Rachel is exchanging with turns up with his fish.

He wanders into house as if it is already his own and faffs with his fish for about half an hour.

THEN man tells Rachel that he has left a few boxes in the upstairs cupboards of his house but he will return on the Monday evening and start shifting them.

Rachel not overly happy about this but feels slightly intimidated by large man who is very similar to arse end of universe.

Rachel asks little bro to speak to man - RLH refuses!

RLH phones Big Brother, who also refuses.

Rachel tells man "I would prefer you to finish clearing your house today".

Man says he will try but he can't guarantee it.

Rachel looks daggers at removal men who are enjoying another tea break.

Finally, 12.30, the house is fully loaded on the van! Huzzah, hurrah and hang out the flags.

Man arrives at house with his family in tow and just goes straight in without waiting to see if I am actually ready to hand over keys.

Rachel stands in slightly stunned surprise and wait for him to hand over his keys.

He hands me keys, Rachel tells him good luck, hope they get on ok etc etc he says "I'll be back at my house before you" gets in his car and drives off to Gosport.

Cue one even more surprised Rachel, getting in car with Spawn and stinky cats.

Arrived at new house, keys don't work.

Sit in car fuming.

Man arrives, reveals the secret of "how to make the keys work".

I look down hallway.

I get back in car and contemplate bursting into tears.

I decide this wont be the most effective use of my energies, so resolve to take deep breaths and calm down.

Man starts moving the boxes from the hallway.

Man starts packing rest of crap LYING ON FLOOR of hallway.

Eventually, after he finishes loading up his car, I climb out of car.

I make it as far as the kitchen and want to throw up.

Kitchen is a stinking hovel of a room, covered in un-named THINGS and I'm sure something just moved in that corner.

I start questioning my sanity and wondering why moving house had seemed such a good plan.

I dismally wander through to the sitting room.

Oh look.

A fish tank.

More boxes.

And what's this I see out of my back door?

Oh, that would be his washing still on the rotary drier in the garden.

Oh, and their guinea pigs still in their hutch.

And more boxes.

My big brother has arrived with my sis in law by this time.

They remove all the carpets from the house.

The carpets could have walked by themselves, but I felt it courteous to have the residents escorted from the premises.

I retreat to the kitchen, fuming some more and start cleaning.

Man comes back.

Oh joy, I think to myself,

He tells me he won’t be able to finish clearing the house.

I inform him, very politely but very loudly that he will finish clearing the house today.

He tells me impossible, I tell him "pity, it’s all going out on the pavement".

He agrees to come back and get the rest of his stuff.

I continue cleaning.

He returns.

He demands to know what time I will be home on the Sunday from the family christening he knows I am going to.

I tell him it's none of his business.

He says he is coming back on the Sunday to take down his CB aerial.

At this point RTW, fed up of having to watch the "nicely nicely" approach decides it is time to step in and take over.

RTW informs man that he knew the move was on the Saturday and should have been organized for it.

RTW informs man he is an absolute disgrace and the house is filthy.

RTW tells man he is shockingly bad mannered and has taken advantage of Rachel's pleasant manners too long.

RTW waves a finger under the mans nose and asks if he can understand the words coming out of her mouth.

RTW tells the man he cannot demand access to her house.

The Man tries to argue back.

He says it is his house until the Monday, which is the day the tenancies run from.

RTW informs the man that she is quite happy to telephone the local police department and tell them there is a man harassing her in her own house and find out who the police would prefer to side with.

The man decides maybe a tactical retreat is in order.

RTW orders him from the house.

At full volume.

Man tries to stand his ground.

RTW orders him out again, making sure the entire street can hear.

Man leaves with tail between his legs.

New neighbours come out and applaud RTW.

Later that same day . . .

RTW is sitting on the sofa having a glass of water surrounded by her loving family.

The door goes.

They all know it is Man back again for the last of his boxes.

Loving family beat a hasty retreat and leaves RTW in solitary splendor to face man.

Man is not alone.

Man is scared.

Man bring friend.

RTW follows man into garden to supervise what they are removing.

RTW attempts to play nice, but foolish man tries to be a dominant male again.

This is a very bad move on his part.

RTW has to inform him that his house is a potential death trap, there are millions of bacteria floating around, it is a miracle none of his family has died of something unpleasant, him and his wife are lazy slobs and should both be ashamed of themselves.

Man’s friend "Oy! That’s my sister you’re talking about".

RTW says "In which case I am very sorry for you, but it all happens to be true - would you care for the guided tour of the filth?"

Man’s friend shuts up pretty damn quick.

Man eventually leaves at 6.30pm, having been informed he MAY return at 6pm on Tuesday to take down his CB aerial, but not a minute before or after.

It was an entertaining day all round.

So there you are, the story of September 25th.

On the Tuesday he actually arrived a few minutes early
So I made him wait on the doorstep.

House is clean now anyway! And I am in the middle of decorating every room all at once – maybe some time I will get my normal life back and be free to play on the CBB once more.

#2: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:21 pm

WOW! How did you resist the temptation to do something very very painful to 'man'.

( and are you sure 'man' is an acurate description?) Twisted Evil

#3: Re: "Rachel's New House" Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:23 pm

Rachel wrote:

On the Tuesday he actually arrived a few minutes early
So I made him wait on the doorstep.

Well done Rachel!!

Sorry he gave you such a hard time though - like moving house isn't stressful enough in the first place Confused

Hope you settle in soon - when may we come round for a cuppa?! Wink

#4: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:28 pm

Congratulations Rachel! We are not worthy

#5: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:35 pm

Might have guessed Rachel and RTW would have lots of adventures, moving house. At least you didn't fall into a packing case and neither of the spawn sleep walked.

Hope you enjoy your new home especially now it is clean, sparkling and newly decorated.

#6: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:05 pm

Congrats to you!

Enjoy your new home (minus scary [unfriendly!] bacteria)!

#7: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:43 pm

Good for you Rachel. Know exzactly what its like to move into a house like that having done it a month ago. Just to give you a snippet, there was actually mould growing on the kitchen floor. yummy

So, hurrah for Witch Power.

#8: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:13 pm

Well done RTW for dealing with *man*

At least once you've done the decorating that will be it and it will all look lovely

#9: Author: Mora, Location: Lancaster

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:29 pm

Poor Rachel! *applauds loudly* Somebody should really have told him that he should never mess with a witch!

#10: Author: Kate, Location: Ireland

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 12:01 am

I'm glad everything is sorted now. And glad you posted this, because it is very funny! Sorry!

#11: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 12:39 am

*hugs Rachel, whilst laughing hysterically!*

Oh hunny! You really do tell a story in a way that no one else can!!!

#12: Author: pim, Location: St Andrews (right next to the beach)

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 8:39 am

*impressed*

Glad everything's sorted, more or less, now. (I would have gone back to the car and cried if it had been me!)

#13: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:13 am

Have just been told off for giggling at this - apparently we don't smile here today!! That's how good everyone's mood is!!!

Well done RTW! Glad it finally all got sorted!

#14: Author: Kathye, Location: Laleham

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:58 am

Hey welcome back sweetie, hope to see you around some more soon...

Don't forget to let us know when the housewarming is Wink

#15: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 12:25 pm

*waltzes over to leave hugs for Rachel/RTW whilst giggling* how horrible. I'm glad RTW came to the rescue.. *scared now at the realistation that Rachel has become a Split Personality*
When I moved into my house, the kitchen was literally falling to pieces and the fire looked like c ouncil estate relic from the 60s. Which it probably was...oh, and the garden was a jungle..

#16: Author: Robin, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 12:36 pm

poor you - that sounds hideous!
we rented a house in Canada from a guy once - only for a year as my dad was sent out there for work, and when we turned up, not only were there 1/2 open bottles of ketchup etc in the fridge, but his kids had left all their dirty washing on the floor in their bedrooms! So we had to live in the holiday inn for 2 weeks while we got in professional cleaners and packers to box it all up and put it in the cellar (where it got flooded that christmas when a freezing pipe broke - serves him right!)

hope you get settled soon.

#17: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 4:09 pm

Good for you, I'm glad you turned into RTW. You really ought to have thrown everything in the house out into the street, anyway. BTW: if the removal bill is too large, invoice the removal firm for all the tea and biscuits and deduct several hours worth from the bill on the grounds that they weren't working, but consuming your food and drink!

#18: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 5:02 pm

Congratulations on surviving a day when you not only had to move house, but had to deal with so many pratts!

Hope you're very happy in your new home now it's clean and only has your stuff in it.

Liz

#19: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 6:15 pm

(((Rachel))) At least you can write an amusing tale about it now, but it must have been horrendous at the time.
Thank heavens for RTW!

#20: Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 7:16 pm

I don't mean to laugh in an unsympathetic way, but 'it's the way you tell 'em!' Laughing

Poor you.

Glad the new house is coming together now Very Happy

Do you think Joey had this kind of trouble when moving to the Oberland?!! Oh please please please (shameless begging) write a drabble that merges the two!! Or someone else (seeing as RTW is busy busy busy)

Embarassed

oops - just wrote busty instead of busy!!

#21: Re: "Rachel's New House" Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 7:29 pm

Rachel wrote:

He hands me keys, Rachel tells him good luck, hope they get on ok etc etc he says "I'll be back at my house before you" gets in his car and drives off to Gosport.

You moved INTO Gosport? Most sane people move out! Shocked

Only joking, I lived there for 24 years and my parents are still there, it's not too bad really Smile

(except for the A32, but hey, you can't have everything)

Rachel wrote:

I start questioning my sanity and wondering why moving house had seemed such a good plan.

Getting out of where you were sounds like a VERY good plan to me! (my cousin used to live there)

Rachel wrote:

RTW informs the man that she is quite happy to telephone the local police department and tell them there is a man harassing her in her own house and find out who the police would prefer to side with.

LOL!