The CBB :: View topic - Jack Maynard

#1: Jack Maynard Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:40 pm

This came to me a few weeks ago as a result of a couple of things I read, both here and elsewhere. I tried to ignore it as long as I could, but it kept niggling at me and distracting me until I put it in words. I hoped that would be the end of it. I should have known better, it's still having an influence on the Tensions story and making it difficult to move on. I've decided to post it seperately then anyone who is interested can choose which version they want to believe.
Anyone who isn't reading Tensions who has wondered in here by accident, feel free to either ignore this completely or take it as a short self contained drabble.

When Jack arrived home, weary but with his regret for the passing of Mrs Benson alleviated by being pitched into an emergency operation during which he had, against all the odds, succeeded in bringing a young man back from the brink of death, it seemed good to him to catch up with some much needed sleep. For some reason though, his bed began to lose it’s allure once he reached his small dressing room, instead he stood at the window and drank in the marvelous vista which still soothed his soul. Until he noticed Roger walking around the garden. His face assumed an expression of frustration as he watched the troubled figure.
He had been, as Roger surmised, angry, but as irksome as he had found the younger man’s antics, much of his anger had been directed at himself.

He had set out on the path of parenthood full of good intentions, and on the whole he had stuck to them, believing that he was doing his best for his children by adhering to his rules and not giving in to any amount of cajoling, certain that such an uncompromising stance was best for their long term welfare. Yet now, it seemed, some where along the line he had become an unapproachable authoritarian figure without him even realising it. Margot had dropped out of his life, out of all their lives, without a word of explanation, Len had been unable to admit that she didn’t want to go through with her engagement to Reg until she had made herself so unhappy that she had been on the point of having a complete breakdown, and Roger, who Jack counted as family, was to all appearances, equally troubled.

Unbeknownst to Roger, Jack was not completely oblivious to his problem, and when Roger had introduced him to his friend Adrian at the beginning of a hiking holiday the two of them had undertaken, he had intuitively known that the relationship was deeper than ordinary friendship.

However, in this case his knowledge was not much use to him. Although he had no lack of compassion, he could not, in all conscience, give his blessing to a way of life which was so alien to values which had been instilled in him since birth, and so contrary to his religious beliefs. Had Roger confided in him, Jack could only advise a life of abstention, and that, he fancied, would not be the answer Roger was looking for.

By the same token, he could not give his blessing to a marriage in which at least one of partners was entering without being fully committed to his vows. At the best of times marriage, the everyday joining together of a man and woman united in love could be a minefield, and the relationship which Roger was contemplating was strewn with added pitfalls, even if both partners were totally committed to making it work, and Roger, he thought, did not appear to have that level of commitment.

Accordingly he had already informed Joey that the family, or at least that part of it still residing at Freudesheim would be declining the invitation, and he had answered his wife’s protests tersely with the not unreasonable reply that it was impossible for them to drop their own commitments at such short notice.

He had given her no opportunity to make further objections, choosing instead to walk away from a conversation which he could have found highly uncomfortable, and he had strongly rebuffed any further attempts on Joey’s part to resurrect the subject. Now he had only to explain his decision to Roger.

Roger watched Jack warily as he walked across the lawn. Rationally he knew that Jack could have no idea about his romp with Joey, but he was hardly feeling rational. Jack noticed his expression, suddenly feeling very old as he contemplated the effect he had on the younger generation. “Mind if I join you?” he asked rhetorically. “It’s a beautiful evening.”
“Not at all,” Roger cleared his throat. It really is warm for this time of year.”
“Certainly, and long may it continue to be so.”
“Hopefully, it will also be like this in England when we return.”
Jack seized his opportunity. “For the wedding? I’m afraid that none of us will be returning with you as you hoped, neither will we be attending the wedding,”
“Oh.”

Jack raised his eyebrows, realising that the forthcoming interview was going to be even more difficult than he had thought. He had expected some response from Roger, at least a question as to why he was declining the invitation, at which point he would have explained his reasons, but this flat response denied him that avenue.

Roger had no idea how to respond to this sudden declaration. Since his arrival at Fruedesheim, no, since his pretend flirtation with Joey had turned into shocking reality, his mind had been in such turmoil, that he no longer knew what he was supposed to think. He waited for Jack to explain himself, wishing that the older man would say something.
Eventually, Jack, losing his patience, broke the silence. “Well, you don’t appear to be too bothered whether we’re there or not.” He snapped. When he saw the look of anguish in Roger’s eyes as he turned to face him, he instantly regretted not biting back his words.
“I’m sorry Uncle Jack, it’s just, I, I don’t even know if I’m going to be there myself at the moment.”

The unthinking use of the form of address which had ended with Roger’s schooldays touched a chord with Jack, his expression softened, “I think,” he said, “that might be a wise decision, under the circumstances.” He brushed aside Roger’s attempted reply, “I’m not blind Roger, and I may be wrong, but I think I understand more than you realise.”
“You know?”
Jack nodded. “Yes.”
“But, how?”
Jack fell silent again for a time, while he sought to find a form of words which would provide an acceptable explanation.
Finally he spoke, “I suppose it was when you turned up here with George. I re- saw what was happening, under the surface.”
Roger gave a short mirthless laugh, “And I thought it was Joey who was supposed to have the gift of insight.”
“There are some matters which are beyond her experience.” Even as he spoke, Jack wondered how true that was.
“But even though you knew, you still welcomed me back.”
“Why wouldn’t I? You‘re still a member of the family Roger, you don‘t stop caring about your children just because they grow in different ways to your expectations.”
“Some people do. Adrians father did. He said, from now on, he had only one son. And his mother was worse.” A sudden thought hit him, “Joey…”
“Joey knows nothing about it, and frankly, I would rather keep it that way.”

“So would I”. Roger broke in quickly, too quickly perhaps, but after what had happened the day before…. “I’d rather she didn’t know,” he said more slowly, “But, it isn’t fair, I didn’t ask to be what I am, why should I have to suffer for it? Why should I have to hide myself, to spend all my life pretending to be what I’m not?”

“Buck up, Roger, life isn’t fair, and no one promised that it would be. Other people have to suffer a lot worse things, believe me, and it won’t do anyone any good if you just mooch around feeling sorry for yourself. You have some hard decisions to make, I know, and I can’t help you make them, it has to be your choice, but,” Jack paused, “But you don’t have to carry the burden alone. I’m not one for preaching, I think you should live your religion rather than talk about it, but God will help you if you ask him.”

“If I could really believe that, Jack, it may help, but I can’t believe in God any longer. If there really is a God, then it was he who made me this way, and yet, your church, and mine, consider me a sinner, why would God want to create sinners? Why would he want to make me, and people like me, into an object of loathing? Just to make those who go faithfully to church every week feel better about themselves? To give them the opportunity to feel superior? In fact why would a loving God, a God who’s there to help, according to you, want to make anyone suffer, for any reason? I’m sorry, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s all a load of bloody nonsense.”

Jack sighed, he most decidedly did not want to start preaching, but he felt it was his duty to offer Roger moral guidance, “God’s reason’s may remain hidden from us, but there is a purpose to everything.”
“All for the best, in the best of all possible worlds,” Roger murmured, in tones too low for Jack to catch.
“Eh?” Roger shook his head, and Jack, seeing that he was not going to elucidate, continued his speech, “Remember, it’s not what we are, that is a sin, it’s what we do, and God will help you resist temptation.”

“So I’m meant to remain alone and celibate all my life, am I? Well why should I? Why should I have to resist temptation, you don’t have to. You can put a ring on a woman’s finger and do it as often as you like. Yet I’m supposed to end up as a lonely old man with no-one to care if I live or die. If that’s the case I may as well die now, because that‘s no sort of life to look forward to. I need to be loved as much as anyone else, and I have desires the same as anyone else, they just happen to have a different focus that‘s all.”

Jack was truly shocked, and temporarily speechless.
“Don’t look like that Jack, I’m not about to go and jump off a mountain. But I can’t live the life you want for me either. As you said, it has to be my decision.”

“Yes, but I think you need to think rather more deeply than you have so far. This business with Fay, for instance, she may be a bit of a feather head, but that doesn’t mean she deserves the sort of deception which you have practised upon her. I dare say she dreams of having a loving husband and children, and you’ve no right to take that away from her for your own selfish reasons,” Jack snapped at him.

“OK, I know I’m a selfish, heartless bastard, I’ve worked that out for myself. There’s no need to rub it in. It seemed like a sensible idea at the time, but you’re right, I didn’t think of all the consequences, and I didn‘t think of Fay at all, not as a person Maybe I don‘t deserve to be happy, not if I‘m prepared to make someone else so miserable.”

Roger’s anguished expression caused Jack to regret speaking so harshly, Roger was not the only cause of his fury, but he was well placed to receive the full expression of it, which, Jack had to admit to himself, was unfair on the younger man.
“It might be different, if you really cared for her, you might, just possibly, be able to make it work, but, I don’t see any evidence of that, it seems that you just chose her because she was so easy to deceive.”
“I could never care about someone like Fay. I don’t even like her very much. I suppose that made it easier…”

Did it? Jack wondered if it did make life easier, if you didn’t care overmuch for your spouse, if you felt any less eaten by guilt at trapping them in an incomplete marriage, if you felt any less guilt for causing them to commit the sin of adultery.
“But I can’t marry her, I can see that now. The only problem is telling her,” Roger continued, oblivious to Jack’s thoughts, “This is all such a bloody mess. Darbishire’s father was right.”

“Eh?” Jack dragged his attention back to Roger’s words, “Who?”

“Don’t you remember those Jennings books Roddy had? They were about the only things he’d read. Darbishire used to keep reciting his father’s sayings, I think his favourite was “What a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive. It just came into my head, just now, though heaven knows why I’m blathering on about kiddies books at a time like this.”
“Darbishire’s father sounds a wise man.”
“Yes. The trouble is, Fay, thinks rather more of me than I do her. That probably sounds big headed, but, it’s true. I think so, anyway, and I can’t tell her the real reason.” Roger shuddered at the thought of what Fay would do if she were party to that particular piece of information.
“I don’t know what you can tell her, Roger, but it’s better to hurt her now rather than later, when it’s too late.”

He would never forget the look of hurt and confusion on Joey’s face on their wedding night, and the humiliation too, when he failed to respond to her advances. She had still been at school, when they met, and he a very junior doctor, but despite the difference in their ages, or maybe because of it, a deep and affectionate friendship had grown between them, they had shared many of the same ideals, and the same sense of humour, many secret jokes would cause them to begin giggling, whilst outsiders looked on in bemusement, the same bewilderment they sometimes displayed at the incessant teasing between the two of them.

In fact, regardless of everything, that affection was still present, still real and they were more than capable of teasing one another incessantly at times, but it was pointless to pretend that Joey had the marriage she had expected, and which she had deserved. The most tragic thing was that he had already decided against marrying Joey. It had been something he had seriously considered at one point, whilst Joey was still at school. She had been immature, even for her young age, totally unaware of her own sexuality. It had been this lack of awareness, the absence of any form of desire for him that had made the idea seem feasible, but as the months and years passed, Joey left her schooldays behind her, discovered the effect she had on the opposite sex, Jack had realised it was no longer a good idea. And then Hitler had irrevocably the future not only for himself, or his generation, but for all those yet to be born.

In the immediate future the very real threat of the Nazi’s had led to the need to conceal that precious piece of paper which was the Peace League, the signatures of all those girls who had vowed to remain true to the ideals of the Chalet School, and to treat one another with respect and understanding, regardless of their nationality.

Jack had been invited to join the party which set out to hide the document in a secret cave discovered by Joey’s beloved adopted sister on another happier, more carefree excursion. On this occasion they had been anything but carefree, events had careered drastically out of control and Robin and another girl had been trapped in the cave. Or so it appeared, when the remainder of the party finally gained access to that cavern, they found that the girls had vanished without trace.

Understandably Joey had been distraught, yet, she had , somehow, managed to retain her composure until they returned home, to the joyous discovery that Robin was safe and well and tucked up in her own bed. The relief, and the reaction to the strain had unsurprisingly resulted in an emotional outburst during which Joey had clung to Jack, he being the only person available to her. She had, when she had recovered slightly, described Jack as a solid lump of comfort, and he had responded with soothing words, it was unfortunate that Madge Russell, who had re-entered the room had immediately jumped to conclusions. The wrong conclusions.

Shortly after, when several of the people connected with the school and the San had been forced to make a hurried escape from the Nazi’s, Joey had already been wearing a ring on the third finger of her left hand, despite the fact that he had, to the best of his understanding, said nothing which remotely resembled a proposal. Madge had swiftly communicated her exciting news to Jem, and he, perhaps anxious to have one less person to be responsible for, had reacted with even more enthusiasm than his wife, so much so that he arranged for a jeweller to visit the Sonnalpe with a selection of rings the following day. Jack had not been present at that display, an emergency at the San keeping him otherwise occupied, and when Joey had shyly shown him her choice some hours after the jewller had departed, he had been unable to find the strength to ask her to send it back. As it was, it seemed as though Joey shared some of his misgivings since she refused to wear the ring, or to have the engagement announced, for nearly a month, citing the forthcoming marriage of a very dear friend as the reason and Jack began to hope that the whole thing would blow over. However, he reckoned without the Russell's, once that wedding was over Jem and Madge took it upon themselves to announce the engagement to some of their colleagues at the School and the San, and somehow, it seemed too late, and too hurtful to Joey, to deny the fact, and then the enforced escape from the Gestapo had focussed their minds very firmly on more important matters.
Jack and Joey had both been together a great deal on that long walk to Switzerland. It had been Joey’s health which had caused both him and the other doctor present most concern, and he had paid her much more attention than would otherwise have been the case. The long arduous journey had strengthened the bond of friendship between them, and when they arrived to the relatively safe haven of the Channel Islands Madge had been even more convinced that they were in love, it was a match which the elder woman found most pleasing, and maybe her enthusiasm had led Joey to come to believe it too. Whatever, the idea that Jack Maynard and Joey Bettany were engaged to be married soon came to be accepted as fact among their new circle. Under normal circumstances it probably wouldn’t have mattered, in time the speculation would have died down and they would have gone their separate ways, but the war had created a sense of urgency and Jack had found himself party to a hastily arranged wedding. He should, he knew, have called a halt to the whole business, but he shrank away from the thought of the hurt and humiliation he would cause Joey and the Russells, and it had somehow seemed easier to let things take their course., especially during those days when nothing was taken for granted, even survival itself.

If Jack had subconsciously seen death in service as a way out of the situation, his subconscious was to be disappointed, but his lengthy absences at least meant that the early years of their marriage passed without major incident, and compared to the full scale of the horror which was to emerge, being railroaded into marrying Joey was a very minor inconvenience. In fact, as he had to admit, it had all worked out rather well for him, professionally at least, it had been Joey who had paid the price.

When she had talked of her desire to have children, and he had gritted his teeth and done is duty. This had meant, of course, that he was now irrevocably tied to Joey by the bonds of marriage, yet the depth of love he had felt for his three small daughters when he first set eyes on them had been totally unexpected in it’s intensity, and from that day onwards he had vowed to his best as a father and husband.

This ritual had occurred several times more, whenever Joey expressed her wish for another child, and if, on at least one occasion, possibly more, he suspected that she was already pregnant when she made this announcement, he felt that he had no right to do anything other than pretend otherwise, and Joey was generally discreet enough to enable him to do so easily. Even on those occasions when her activities appeared more blatant, he remained silent, knowing that the blame lay with himself rather than his wife.

Equally, they never talked about his own lack of desire for his woman. Sometimes he thought that she must have her suspicions, other times he wasn’t so sure, but he was convinced that she would rather not know the truth. Occasionally he wondered if her wish for such a large family was intended as an outward display of her husbands virility, but she need have no fear that anyone would discover his deepest secret. He had never betrayed his own vows, and maybe marriage, or more specifically fatherhood, had helped him to fight against the temptation of his own desires, yet despite his children, who he would not be without now they were born, he could not recommend that Roger follow the same path, make the same mistake. The cost was too high.

“……..and then just gradually lose touch. Do you think that would be kinder?” Jack was recalled to the present as he realised that Roger was still talking. Luckily he had heard just enough to get the gist his speech.
“I think it would be kinder to end it for once and for all. It may seem brutal, but at least it will give her the chance to carry on with her life, to meet someone else. She can’t do that if you just leave her hanging on.”

“It would have been better if I’d never got into this mess in the first place, yet, I, don’t know, it seemed the perfect solution. No one would ever suspect, if I was married, and I thought that if I spent a lot of time working abroad, I wouldn’t even have to spend much time with her. And if I make a success of this African development, I should be in a position to be able to give George a job on whatever future projects I work on.,” he paused, noticing Jack frown, “I won’t give George up, I love him too much. And it’s no use you advising me to settle for a platonic relationship either, I’m not strong enough to give that up, and even if I were, I don’t see why I should.”

“It seems hard now, I know, but there are other consolations, maybe it may not seem like it now, but, you can fulfill yourself in other ways, by putting your energy into your career for instance.” Although Jack had no false illusions about his prowess as a doctor, he had no false modesty either, and he knew that his dedication to medicine meant that people who would not have survived were once again living happily with their families, “And you won’t be alone, you have Roddy and Ruey, and they will have families of their own, and we will always be here for you.”

“I’m sorry. What you said, it means a lot to me, but I can’t accept that life. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, and the other two, but I can’t live the life you want me to live. I have to live my own life. I can’t live to please you. I know that I‘ve let you down, and I regret that, but…I think it would be better if I went back to England tomorrow, then you can pretend you never knew me.”
“And why would I want to do that? When I said we would always be here for you, I did mean always, no matter what you decide, no matter what happens.”
“Even if, if I end up in gaol, reviled by everyone?”
“Even then.”
Roger turned away, Jack’s final declaration had touched him deeply, and he felt the sting of unfamiliar and unwanted tears in his eyes, in a voice more husky than normal, he said simply, “Thank you.”

Jack, sensing that he needed to be alone, walked back to the house.
Joey, espying the two men through the bedroom window, wondered what they were talking about, but she was destined to never find out, for neither of the participants ever disclosed what words were spoken had taken place.

#2: Author: Chickpea,

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:48 pm

That was really moving, thank you. You really caught the anguish that both men have felt.

#3: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:53 pm

Thank you Ellie, that was brilliant.

#4: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:59 pm

Thank you for that Ellie - a very feasible alternate history - and another explanation for why the Maynard children all have different colouring!

#5: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 11:00 pm

Oooh!!!
*sits back, wide eyed*
Thank you Ellie! that was spellbinding!

#6: Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 11:06 pm

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

*lost for words*

Must admit that I haven't had the stamina to follow Tensions through to its current point, but this drabble stands on its own.

What can I say - reading this reminds me why I'm so glad I live now.

#7: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 12:25 am

That was sooooo moving it gave me goosebumps - thankyou

#8: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 7:29 am

Really good Ellie and I like the way it stands alone or in the Tensions universe. That was very moving.

#9: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 4:00 pm

Ellie that was wonderful. I had tears in my eyes as I read it. Very powerful, very emotive. It does answer a lot of questions.

#10: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 4:04 pm

Thank you Ellie that was wonderful Very Happy

#11: Author: Chloë, Location: London: when away from home planet!

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 4:11 pm

Ellie that was truely wonderful!

#12: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 4:25 pm

Thank you everyone for being positive - my finger hovered over the submit button for a long time before I finally hit it.
Thanks also to Patmac for tidying up my wayward punctuation.

#13: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 6:08 pm

Ellie thak you so much for posting that, it was such a powerfull piece.

wow!

#14: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 6:37 pm

Brilliant, Ellie! I have to admit that the lackof any kind of a proposal in Exile always rather bothered me, but it waskind of obvious in one way since EBD kept blethering on about Jack's attraction to Joey and wishing she would hurry and grow up..

#15: Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly!

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 9:58 pm

Splendiferous Ellie, I can only echo the above comments. *stunned*

#16: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Thu Apr 08, 2004 8:42 am

What an eye-opener, Ellie! A completely new take on their life together.

#17: Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right!

Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 12:51 am

Wow Ellie ...... that was amazing!

#18: Author: Ciorstaidh, Location: London

Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 2:49 pm

Ellie,
I can only add to the praise here. This is fantastic - a truly perceptive piece of writing. You are completely in touch with your characters

(off to catch up by reading Tensions throguh)

#19: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar

Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 3:04 pm

Wow, what a different perspective of the relationship. And what a good explanation for the different colourings. Wink

#20: Author: Mora, Location: Lancaster

Posted: Sun Apr 11, 2004 5:02 pm

Wow. I haven't been readin g Tnesions because it was already a long way through when I joined, but this is amazing.

#21: Author: Janet, Location: Ferndown, Dorset

Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:48 pm

Ellie - this is fabulous

Have just read this on the back of your drabble about Jem cloning Madge and I can't believe how easily you swing from the sublime to the ridiculous! The Jem/Madge tale is pure farce and hilarious whereas this is a very moving piece of writing and as others have said, makes me thankful to belong to this day and age

Poor Jack - we always read of the woman being trapped in loveless marriages but this is a different and very welcome slant with him fulfilling what he perceives to be his duty - wonderful

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