I Can't see what all the fuss is about by Mrs J M Maynard
The CBB -> Cookies & Drabbles
#1: I Can't see what all the fuss is about by Mrs J M Maynard Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:25 pm

Joey Maynard flicked through the post with expert fingers, muttering aloud as she did so – “Jack, Jack, Anna, Jack, advert, bill, me (that’s Mike’s scrawl), Jack, another bill” she paused at a typewritten envelope addressed to Mrs J M Maynard, frowning in puzzlement.

“I’ve just sent the manuscript of the latest book, why are the publishers writing?”

“Well, open it and find out!” Jack appeared behind her and held out his hand for his letters. “Go on!”

Joey opened the letter and skimmed the contents. “Oh, Jack, they want to see me in London to talk about another series. Look, read it.” she held out the letter and Jack read the contents.

Dear Mrs Maynard,

Thank you for your manuscript of ‘Vera and the Bandits’ On first reading, it appears to need little editing and we would like to get it into print as soon as possible to catch the Christmas trade. Demand for your books remains high and we think you will be particularly pleased with this quarter’s Royalties.

As it happens, we have another series in hand which we would like you to write for us and would prefer to discuss the matter in person. Would it be possible for you to come to London, at our expense, discuss the matter.

Yours truly,

Snodgrass and Butterworth.

Jack raised his eyebrows. “I wonder what they want. Will you go?”

“I suppose so, though I’ve never written to order, so to speak. My stories write themselves as a rule.”

 

#2:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:27 pm

Ohhh will Joey be shocked when she hears what they want her to write?
Will we get more soon?

 

#3:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:30 pm

Yeah!! Glad you decided to write this Pat. It should be hilarious. And will there be any controversy, e.g. people reading the book and writing in to disagree and call Joey a bad mother?

 

#4:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:33 pm

Waiting eagerly for the next installment, Pat.

 

#5:  Author: Laura, Location: London (ish) PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:37 pm

Oooh! *pleading for more, rather impatiently!* This is great!

 

#6:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:42 pm

Definitely wanting more of this one, PatMac!

 

#7:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:04 pm

Love the name of the publishers!

Glad you're taking this up, PatMac - more and soon, please!

 

#8:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:10 pm

I should think Jo's theories of child -raising, ie, find one Tyrolese maid of all work, one Tyrolese nursemaid and leave it all to them until the girls are old enough for school when you start to take an interest in them, oh, and by the way, send the boys off to school ASAP, will go down a bundle with modern women.

 

#9:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:13 pm

Come on Pat! Write some more. Getting revenge and chanting!!! Very Happy

 

#10:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:16 pm

This is fabulous Pat, I can't wait for more! Very Happy

 

#11:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:16 pm

Supporting Pat. Revenge is sweet!

 

#12:  Author: Rebecca, Location: Kendal/Oxford PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:19 pm

More, more, more!

please

 

#13:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:48 pm

In due course, Jo arrived at her publishers, where she was greeted with great enthusiasm. The firm published a few other minor writers but Josephine M Bettany was their main source of profit with constant reprints and a new book each year.

After she had shed her coat and accepted a cup of rather inferior coffee, she looked across at Mr Snodgrass and Mr Butterworth in expectation.

“Well,” she said cheerfully, “you mentioned a new series. What is it to be? I’ve had some ideas. We start a new school in a different location and build from there. Perhaps some of my old girls could become mistresses so we could link the series. There would be opportunities for lacrosse matches and jolly things like that.” She paused, expectantly.

“Well actually, we had something entirely different in mind.” Mr Snodgrass adjusted his glasses and looked down at a piece of paper in front of him. “We know you have a large family and wondered if you would be interested in writing a Handbook for Young Mothers.”

Jo gaped at him like a stranded codfish.

Mr Butterworth picked up the narrative. “There’s a gap in the market for a book written from a mother’s perspective. We’ve done some research and most of the books are written by male doctors or Psychologists and the young mothers, quite rightly, believe that a lot of the advice is impractical and theoretical.”

“And there is a lot of concern today about the bad behaviour of children.” Mr Snodgrass added, leaning forward to emphasise his point. “There was even an article about the problem in The Times the other week.”

“But, why do they need a Handbook? All it takes is discipline and organisation! I can’t see what all the fuss is about.” Jo exclaimed, genuinely surprised.

“That’s exactly it.” Mr Snodgrass said excitedly, “You are a living example of how to bring up children to be good mannered and obedient and to grow up to be useful citizens. If you tell them how you did it, they will believe you.”

Mr Butterworth’s eyes glowed. “You will be doing a service to your country.” He said, earnestly. “Children today are getting out of hand.”

Jo cut straight to the bottom line. “How much will you advance?”

Mr Snodgrass and Mr Butterworth looked at one another. Mr Snodgrass named a sum. Jo turned up her nose. Mr Butterworth named another, higher, sum. Jo indicated her derision. This went on for some time until it was agreed that she would write the Handbook, which as yet had no title, under her married name of Mrs J M Maynard. She would start immediately and submit the manuscript a chapter at a time.

After shaking hands warmly, she left with promises of a contract to be posted that very day.

 

#14:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:00 pm

Lovely response to the chanting Pat! However, I think we will all agree that we still want a lot more! Laughing Twisted Evil Twisted Evil

 

#15:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:02 pm

Marvellous!

Looking forward to Chapter One already ...

*expectant* (but not in a "busy" kind of way!!)

 

#16:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:08 pm

More, more more, please.

 

#17:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:10 pm

Thank you!!

I wonder if Joey will get writers block, or just be very pompous and impractical?

 

#18:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:15 pm

Well, what practical advice can she offer?

'At six months old, Baby will look a duck with his cup and spoon.'

'Baby will learn to sleep through anything if you have enough children to make it feasible.'

'Have eleven children, then the older ones can be made to look after the younger ones.'

 

#19:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:06 pm

Hope we're also going to see some of the responses from the readers of this book!

 

#20:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:16 pm

Will they be armed with knives and revolvers and other weapons, do you think?

 

#21:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:49 pm

*giggles* What a great idea, PatMac! I wonder whether Jo will give some of the task over to Anna. I suppose the idea is to make her realise just how litle she does!

 

#22:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 7:03 pm

What makes you think I'm not going to write this straight and thus do a service to my country?

 

#23:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 7:06 pm

Because you wouldn't disappoint us like that!

 

#24:  Author: Marianne, Location: Bournemouth PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 7:47 pm

oh, excellent, more please!

 

#25:  Author: Kate, Location: Ireland PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 8:10 pm

Oh please write more quickly! I'm dying to read this!

 

#26:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 8:47 pm

PatMac, this is great!!! And writing talent obviously runs in your family!!!(as does the tendancy towards the comic!!!)

 

#27:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 10:54 pm

Vikki wrote:
PatMac, this is great!!! And writing talent obviously runs in your family!!!(as does the tendancy towards the comic!!!)


As you now know from the 'mobile phone' thread, the family connection was a wind up. however, my step daughter is the only one of my family to follow my career path and claims that it is contamination of 'proxy genes' so who knows!

My brevet niece and I curtsey in unison at the praise.

 

#28:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 10:54 pm

Who else is in PatMac's family?

 

#29:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 10:56 pm

PatMac I'm so glad you decided to do this. Looking forward to more.


Butterworth was my maiden name!!

 

#30:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:00 pm

Carolyn P wrote:
Butterworth was my maiden name!!


It was mine as well. I've no idea where the Snodgrass came from!

My parents came from Rochdale where Butterworths are 10 a penny, though!

 

#31:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:04 pm

Sarah_L wrote:
Who else is in PatMac's family?


Sarah, go to the thread about mobiles in 'Anything else' for the explanation!!

hammer 's PatMac and Lisa T again!!!

 

#32:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:10 pm

PatMac wrote:
Carolyn P wrote:
Butterworth was my maiden name!!


It was mine as well. I've no idea where the Snodgrass came from!

My parents came from Rochdale where Butterworths are 10 a penny, though!


I was born and lived in Rochdale till I was 15, along with extensive family.

 

#33:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:14 pm

Maybe you two are distant relatives?

 

#34:  Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:14 pm

ROFL! Poor Vikki. I'd advise you to stop hammering though, cos otherwise PatMac and I might turn nasty! Wink I mean, are you desperate to be a llama again? Rolling Eyes

This is great, Pat. When are you gonna add more?!

 

#35:  Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:15 pm

They probably are. If you go back far enough!!!!

 

#36:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:15 pm

Wow! How weird. After the winding up Lisa and I did earlier, that could be uncanny!

Last edited by PatMac on Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:16 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#37:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:16 pm

Excited by the possibility long lost relations have just discovered each other!!

 

#38:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:19 pm

I suppose it's possible, I wonder how we would find out?

 

#39:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:23 pm

It could be one of those 'great moments in CBB history'! Cool

 

#40:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:26 pm

Might be difficult. As a clue to how difficult - My father's birth certificate is signed by a Butterworth as registrar, my parents wedding certificate is signed by a different Butterworth as registrar and my mother and one of her sisters married Butterworths who were not related! there's even a district called Butterworth and a Butterworth Hall!

 

#41:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:29 pm

Butterworth does sound popular!! I hope you have some luck in finding out

 

#42:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:36 pm

To digress ...

PatMac ... I love your signature! Went to the theatre last year and there was a group of women all wearing purple and red hats and it took me a while to click why (well, they were all wearing very different shades of purple!!) but I thought they were fabulous and very, very humorous!!

Something I definitely aspire to ... in a few years!

 

#43:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:43 pm

PatMac wrote:
Might be difficult. As a clue to how difficult - My father's birth certificate is signed by a Butterworth as registrar, my parents wedding certificate is signed by a different Butterworth as registrar and my mother and one of her sisters married Butterworths who were not related! there's even a district called Butterworth and a Butterworth Hall!


*Doesn't think Patmac should let these minor problems get in the way of a possibly CS style family reunion* Laughing

 

#44:  Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:55 pm

Ally could probably advise you, PatMac and Carolyn. She's an archivist, I think. I have a vague idea (it was part of the research methods course i did for my MA) but it is only vague. Possible, though, even with that number of butterworths floating around.
And one of my lecturers at QUB is called ButterWICK...*g*

 

#45:  Author: Donna, Location: Liverpool PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 12:04 am

Have to agree with Rachael about your signature PatMac - it's great and I love it (and its source!) Very Happy

 

#46:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 12:48 am

Glad you like my sig! You wait till I get to the line 'And learn to spit.' Twisted Evil

I've done some work on the family tree via the 1891 and 1901 census but can't so far get beyond there. I live quite near Rochdale (though in white rose country) and believe the main records are in Preston. Another thing for the list of things to do when I have more time! Smile

Carolyn, my parents did their courting on Blackstone Edge, now immortalised as somewhere the Maynards went by in Holocaust! Rolling Eyes

 

#47:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 12:52 am

Donna wrote:
Have to agree with Rachael about your signature PatMac - it's great and I love it (and its source!) Very Happy


I don't understand, what is the source?

 

#48:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 12:57 am

Nicci wrote:
I don't understand, what is the source?


A poem about growing old disgracefully called 'Warning' by Jenny Joseph.

I just googled it for you and here is a link:

http://alt.venus.co.uk/weed/writings/poems/jjw.htm

 

#49:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:05 am

Introduction

I will admit to being surprised when asked to write this book. I did not realise how difficult it can be for some women to manage their children. I hope this little book will help all mothers who are struggling.

Babies are a blessing from God to any mother and to guide your babies from their earliest days to be a joy to you and your husband is the greatest work a woman can undertake.

I will be detailed in my advice for I firmly believe that with a little organisation, any mother can bring up her children without difficulty. I have 11 children and they are all brilliant and well behaved. I am convinced that this is due to their careful upbringing.

My children confide in me and consider me to be their best friend and that is how it should be. A mother does not need to be careworn and harassed. With a little management, she can keep her girlish spirits and be a joy to her children and her husband. I am still a carefree schoolgirl at heart despite my long family and my family would not have it any other way.

 

#50:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:10 am

Ouch those first two lines are sooo patronising! and sooo Joey!

Can't wait to hear more of her advice!

thanks for linking the poem patmac. I'm a bit worried though cuz I already sit on the pavement when I'm tired, I always eat all the samples in shops, I have been known to wear my slippers in the rain, I have often eaten just bread and pickle for a week, and I also wear odd socks, regardless of what anyone says about them not matching!

 

#51:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:20 am

LOL Nicci - but have you learned to spit?

 

#52:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:34 am

PatMac - I've just printed off that poem cos it's so wonderful!

Re Joey's book - I feel it would be particularly useful for women struggling to bring up a family. Either as fuel for their fires or, if the pages were particularly absorbent, as an alternative to newspaper in the smallest room!

More please!

Last edited by Lesley on Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:06 am; edited 1 time in total

 

#53:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 2:32 am

Thanks for the link to the poem Pat, I remember it being used on a TV advert a few months ago, being recited by a drag queen, I can't remember what it was supposed to be advertising though.
What a brilliant idea for a story - I can't wait to read the rest of her advice.

 

#54:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:09 am

Ohh...I love the start of Joey's book. I'd have thrown it at her!

PS - the only Butterworth I know is Mrs. Butterworth (a type of pancake syrup).

 

#55:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 7:06 am

God, she really is as obnoxious as I thought she'd be! Rolling Eyes

 

#56:  Author: Tassie_Ellen, Location: Tasmania, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:08 am

A couple of years ago I found a cross-stitch pattern of that poem and made it for my Mum - I hasten to add, at her request! I LOVE it Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

and PatMac, I love this drabble - can't wait for more...please!

 

#57:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:10 am

That would have taken quite some work, Ellen!

 

#58:  Author: Tassie_Ellen, Location: Tasmania, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:21 am

Yes, but it was fun - and it looked really good when it was finished.

 

#59:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:26 am

I bet!

 

#60:  Author: keren,  PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:27 am

but look at here in the first few war books, also in jo to the resuce
there you see her more alone with the girls.
You can have
we teach them to be helpful from an early age...

 

#61:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:29 am

Chelsea wrote:
PS - the only Butterworth I know is Mrs. Butterworth (a type of pancake syrup).


Very Happy I have some in my cupboard. You can't get it here but I brought it back from the US.

Embarassed Gee, thanks for the compliments, guys! It's my first drabble (if drabble it is) and I was a bit nervous.

btw, Joey says you're a load of ingrates!

 

#62:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:41 am

*lol* I'm not sure we care about Joey's opinion - except perhaps to be grateful that she didn't have the responsiblity of rearing us!

 

#63:  Author: Tassie_Ellen, Location: Tasmania, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:48 am

*glad she's not MY mum*

 

#64:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:08 am

Echoes that sentiment!

PatMac - this is most definitely a drabble - congratulations - now more please! Smile

 

#65:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:34 am

Lesley wrote:

Re Joey's book - I feel it would be particularly useful for women struggling to bring up a family. Either as fuel for their fires or, if the pages were particularly absorbent, as an alternative to newspaper in the smallest room!


*lol* Lesley, that had me in stitches, I really wondered where you were going with that for a minute! Laughing Laughing

 

#66:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:10 am

This is wonderful! And considering that Joey is stuck in the era where she would take home help for granted....!!!

More please!!

 

#67:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:53 am

This is brilliant. Nowadays once the book had been published I can imagine journalists trying to contact Joey's children and digging up all sorts of secrets.

 

#68:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 12:26 pm

Ally wrote:
This is brilliant. Nowadays once the book had been published I can imagine journalists trying to contact Joey's children and digging up all sorts of secrets.


I love this idea - Patmac, how about you do an aside after and get some interesting quotes from the Maynard offspring! and perhaps family friends? Laughing Laughing

 

#69:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:07 pm

Just one little bit now and then I must get back to some housework Crying or Very sad

Chapter 1 Planning The First Baby

Although I have titled this chapter ‘Planning The First Baby’, I would advise you to consider starting your family with twin or triplet girls. There are several reasons for this advice.
You will gain from the prestige which a multiple birth brings. Ordinary people who did not have the foresight to have more than one child will be impressed and envious of your good fortune.

You will be given outfits for all the children which will make a good stock for later children who will not be such a novelty to your friends and relations.

I specify girls because, with a little training, they can become quite adequate nursemaids to the younger children, thus saving the costs of extra servants.

Of course you will want to be sure that these children grow up with varying talents and personalities. They will become boring later if they are all the same. Ideally, you want one to be really responsible and sensible and one to be artistic and creative. If you can manage triplets, you can afford to have one who is naughty and gets into mischief for light relief.

Training must start at once. Even small babies can learn to please Mamma. You just need to make it clear what pleases you.

It is easy to form their characters by constant reinforcement of the characteristics you want. Praise them when they conform. In my own case, the eldest looked like being very responsible so I used phrases like “That’s my good big girl, you are helpful.”

The second one had big dreamy eyes so I decided to encourage her artistic talents by letting her overhear comments such as “She’s always mooning around. It’s her imagination.” and “I wouldn’t be surprised if she becomes a writer when she grows up.”

With triplets, I was able to have a naughty one as well. By commenting on every little naughty thing she did and excusing it with her ‘devil tempting her’ she soon learned that nice naughtiness got her attention.

As well as the positive reinforcement, there needs to be a constant watch for behaviour which does not conform to expectations. By ignoring playful behaviour in the sensible girl, ignoring any down to earth comments from the artistic one and ignoring good behaviour from the naughty one, I soon had the triplets I wanted.

 

#70:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:11 pm

Oh PatMac - that's so terrible because it could be true!!!

Love the comment that women should plan for multiple births! Laughing

 

#71:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:20 pm

*lol* Patmac, that's brilliant. I'd love to see the faces of the mother's when they read it. Laughing Laughing

 

#72:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 2:30 pm

Forget the mothers - I want to see the publishers' faces!!!

 

#73:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 2:39 pm

I may have to describe them! They are very clear in my mind.

 

#74:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 2:49 pm

Please do Patmac!

 

#75:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 3:06 pm

Oh, yes, please, please do!

 

#76:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 3:15 pm

This is great, PatMac, more please.

You nicked my favourite poem. I can't find any railings for running a stick along, so I kick delivery van tyres.

 

#77:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:00 pm

This is great Pat. Very Happy I love the idea of getting quotes from the Maynard children. I'd love to see Joey splashed across the tabloids with the headline 'Is This The World's Worst Mother'

 

#78:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:04 pm

Maybe the book itself could include comments from the Maynard children on their opinions of their mother's advice...

 

#79:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:08 pm

PatMac this is brilliant!!!!!!!!! I just love the bit about planning for multiple births ROFL Actually I love all of it......................*chants loudly but interspersed with laughter*

 

#80:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:18 pm

Chapter 2 The Very Young Baby.

Part 1

Babies are happier if they have a regular routine. Even newborn babies thrive on the strict discipline of 4 hourly feeds. This also ensures that you get sufficient rest, which essential while breast feeding.

Until baby learns the routine, just put the pram at the other end of the garden between feeds. The fresh air will do her good and a little crying will develop her lungs.

Instruct your maid to only bring her in when feed time approaches.

On the subject of maids, if I may digress for a moment. My own maid would have spoilt my first children but by ensuring that she never had an idle moment to consider doing so, I avoided this problem.

This may take a little organisation at first but, once she gets used to getting up at 5.00 am to bake the day’s fresh bread and only has time to do the washing at midnight, she soon loses interest.

Of course, I am not advocating overworking any servants but, provided you choose strong peasant stock for you household servants, you should have no problem. It is wise to ensure their loyalty by almost any means possible and worth every penny of charitable giving to their parents who will be then be anxious for their daughter to give satisfaction.

By giving her a day, or even two, a month off and buying her ticket to visit her parents, and questioning her closely on her return, you will ensure that she does not have the opportunity to meet any unsuitable young men who might fill her head with romantic nonsense.

 

#81:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:23 pm

*shrieks with laughter* Oh, that's magnificent! I love it! Particularly Jo's assumption that of course every woman will have a maid!

 

#82:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:24 pm

KB wrote:
*shrieks with laughter* Oh, that's magnificent! I love it! Particularly Jo's assumption that of course every woman will have a maid!


*looks aghast* you mean I don't automatically get a maid when I marry?

 

#83:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:27 pm

Add wealth to the list of attributes you require in a husband, Nicci.

 

#84:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:27 pm

*whispers* No, I don't think so...

 

#85:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:28 pm

PatMac wrote:
Add wealth to the list of attributes you require in a husband, Nicci.


*shakes head*
oh dear, this list is getting rather long. Sad

 

#86:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:30 pm

And why shouldn't it be?

 

#87:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:34 pm

Well its not very good for the environment is it!
*unravels the 60metres of paper*

 

#88:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:35 pm

Well, yes, that's true. Perhaps you could by a notebook computer and store it in there.

 

#89:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:38 pm

This is so funny, wonder what Anna will think about it all, can we have her reaction to? Maybe she'll leave Jo to do the house work by herself!
More soon please Laughing

 

#90:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:40 pm

Jo would have a nervous breakdown!

 

#91:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:42 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL

Oh yes!!!!

Please, please, please, please, please write the scene of Anna discovering exactly what Joey has written about her!!!

 

#92:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 6:10 pm

*wipes tears of mirth off of her face Crying or Very sad

*cannot wait to see the reaction of others - any others!

 

#93:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 6:16 pm

PatMac,

This is quite brilliant! I'm howling with laughter here - much too close to the truth!
Quote:
My children confide in me and consider me to be their best friend and that is how it should be

Quite vomit-inducing! We inadvertently lived with a girl at uni who thought this was true -yuk ... ick .. barf! I love my Mum to bits but she is NOT my best friend - that is a role for someone of my own peer group who I can laugh with, swear with, discuss sex with ... etc ... without any embarassment or awkwardness. There are many things I would not want my mother to know about me but that doesn't stop us having a happy, HEALTHY mother/daughter relationship ... and if/when I ever have a daughter I hope that I would respect her privacy and encourage her to have and confide in proper friendships that are not my domain!

Jennie - Embarassed I had to double-check that it was PatMac's signature as the first person I thought of was you!!
(My best mate's Mum (and in her house I first saw the poem) celebrated her 60th a few years ago with a purple/red hat party!!)

More, please .. forget the housework and get yourself a maid!!

 

#94:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 6:21 pm

Rachael wrote:


More, please .. forget the housework and get yourself a maid!!


*falling about the floor in hysterics*

 

#95:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 6:31 pm

*sigh* Oh, it's such a lovely thought, isn't it?

 

#96:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 6:36 pm

This is wonderful, I love it, please get back with chapter three soon - and I really want to see everyones reactions, the publishers, Anna, the triplets - please.

 

#97:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 7:00 pm

Scene: Jo’s Study

“Drat this book!” exclaimed Jo. I’d much rather be writing my next school story, ‘Petunia Plays Pirate’. This so simple, I don’t get any satisfaction from stating the obvious. Ah, well,” she sighed, “at least they’re paying well.”

“Goodness!” she looked at the clock “It’s sixteen o’clock already.” And she rang the bell for English Tea.

 

#98:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 7:02 pm

*giggles* Love the title! And how easy life is for her!

 

#99:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 9:36 pm

PatMac loving this. Joey just doesn't have a clue does she? I do hope it is going to be a very very long book and include lots of advice on discipline, how to tell children the facts of life, choosing schools ect ect. And so looking forward to the reactions of the publishers, public, reviewers and her children.


On the family front, I know about the preponderance of Butterworths in Rochdale, My Sister was called Sarah, and it was only after naming her that we all realised there ois a Sarah Butterworth Street in Rochdale! I saw her today and she is going to send me a family tree that my Uncle did, so maybe when I gat that we can have a look and see if there are any connections? Are you coming to the gathering?

I mentioned Blackstone Edge 'cos when I was a kid I could sit on my bedroom windowsill and see it in the distance. One of my school friends had a gran who lived in the tiny row of cottages halfway up and we used to go up and play on the moor in the school holidays.

 

#100:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:11 pm

Carolyn, I'm not able to come to the gathering, which is rather sad Crying or Very sad but would love to exchange family trees. I haven't got very far back because I didn't get interested till after my parents died.

I was on Blackstone Edge with my dog earlier today!

A little bit more as you are getting this as I write it!

Chapter 2 Part 2

Taking care of yourself

We spoke of the need for getting sufficient rest while breast feeding and I cannot stress this enough.

You should refrain from energetic exercise while your baby is dependant on you. Take the opportunity to keep your feet up as much as possible. Keep some knitting to hand, perhaps a little pink matinee coat, to while away the hours.

You may consider light duties as the baby reaches about three months. You could relieve your maid’s load by darning your husband’s socks. If you do this in the evening while you are engaging in light conversation after dinner, he will be touched by your concern for his welfare.

Arrange for your husband to sleep in his dressing room, if at all possible, so that his snoring does not disturb you. You can point out to him that the baby may disturb his sleep, If he demurs, ensure that the baby does wake him.

 

#101:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:11 pm

Lovely little extra snippet PatMac - but please - more,more,more!

 

#102:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:38 pm

Of course, every young couple have a handy dressing room where hubby can sleep!!!

 

#103:  Author: Janet, Location: Ferndown, Dorset PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:43 pm

lol! Must be the foundation of every happy marriage surely!!

I wonder how one is supposed to ensure the baby does not wake hubby!
Put it in the west wing of Freudesheim maybe!?!

 

#104:  Author: Rebecca, Location: Kendal/Oxford PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:07 pm

PatMac - all I can say is that I'm very very thankful that my computer room at uni is deserted as I've caught up on this! More, please!

 

#105:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:12 pm

When you receive your guests for afternoon tea, it is a good idea to have the baby out of hearing. You will thus be able to enjoy a quiet conversation without interruption. Your friends will, no doubt, ask to see the baby and you should be prepared for this.

Ensure that you arrange a time with your maid or nurse to bring her in, so that she can ensure that the baby is clean, well dressed and smells sweetly. You do not want to hold a baby with a dirty nappy.

If the baby is fretful, a little sugar water in a bottle beforehand is a good idea to calm her down. Or you may be able to persuade your husband to make up a little dose in his surgery.

Always be modest when friends congratulate you on your well behaved baby. You know that it is all down to your excellent training but it would be a little boastful to make too much of it. A few well chosen words such as “It’s all down to being firm from the start.” followed by a girlish laugh, will convey the message adequately.

 

#106:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:17 pm

What happened to joy of seeing the baby be sick all over said friends as they toss her up and down after feeding?

 

#107:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:47 pm

Carolyn you're evil!

PatMac this is hysterical! Laughing

 

#108:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:50 pm

Beginning to wonder about PatMac's own methods! Very Happy Laughing

 

#109:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 12:11 am

*would love to see PatMac's kiddies.

 

#110:  Author: Trish, Location: Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 12:58 am

Oh my... *peals of hysterical laughter ensue* This is WONDERFUL! But poor Margot, she never had a chance what with Jo deciding she was the naughty triplet from the start. Methinks Miss Annersley would have been better off calling Jo into the study instead!

Ooooh! I want to know what Miss Annersely (I still can't call her Hilda lol) thinks when she reads that part!

 

#111:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:08 am

Chelsea wrote:
*would love to see PatMac's kiddies.

Well, we're still on speaking terms! They've got kiddies of their own now!

 

#112:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:11 am

Ohhh this is fabulous. I read it all the way through
Trust Joey ...... I can't wait for the reaction from everyone ...what would her peer group say ?

 

#113:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:34 am

PatMac I've just read this from the start and it's brilliant. Just exactly what one wold expect from Jo. Like everyone else would love to see all the other reactions.

 

#114:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 7:40 am

*tries to smother laughter, for fear it will wake the neighbour* I just love Jo's ignorance of real life! Ooh, that's an idea for a drabble: how would Jo cope if she was suddenly uprooted and dumped in modern life, even with a doctor for a husband?

 

#115:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 9:01 am

[quote="KB]Ooh, that's an idea for a drabble: how would Jo cope if she was suddenly uprooted and dumped in modern life, even with a doctor for a husband?[/quote]

Take a note, someone. That would be a drabble and a half.

 

#116:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 9:05 am

It would have to be an FCS!

 

#117:  Author: keren,  PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 9:19 am

This is a very clever drabble!

"plan for triplets etc"

Could one,
someone told me that in a village not far from us there is a road where the last child of every 11-14 child family is twins.
they wanted long families and were getting on so took some sort of fertility drug.

What do you think Lesley and anyone else medical?

 

#118:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:06 am

IVF results in 20% of pregnancies resulting in multiple births as the doctors usually implant more than one egg in order to give more chance for at least one to survive..

Natural incidence of twins is said to be 1 - 84 and triplets is 1 - 6,000 but this may have come down as more premature babies survive.

 

#119:  Author: Ruth, Location: Lincolnshire, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:50 am

More please, PatMac! I am loving it.

 

#120:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:45 pm

*Picks herself up off the floor*

This is hysterical, thank you Pat. I love the assumptions Joey makes about having a maid and a doctor for a husband!!

 

#121:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:47 pm

Love the way Joey refers to baby as "Her" constantly! More soon please, this is so very very funny!

 

#122:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:47 pm

Pat this is wonderful ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

 

#123:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 4:43 pm

*g* I pity any misguided mother who takes Jo's advice to heart! (even if they do have a maid and a doctor husband!

Please post more Patmac!

 

#124:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 4:45 pm

Tears of laughter streaming from eyes, stomach sore from laughing so much! Help, more please.

 

#125:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:17 pm

PatMac, this is marvellous!!!!
More soon please!!!

 

#126:  Author: niscii, Location: Aberdeen PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:18 pm

Patmac this is totally hilarious! Unfortunately I made the mistake of reading this in the uni computer room, couldn't stop shaking and giggling with mirth and was eventually asked by neighbour to stop student

Totally worth it though!

More More and..............More please! Very Happy

 

#127:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:20 pm

PatMac, this is wonderful, I hope to see more soon.

 

#128:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 7:25 pm

Embarassed Gee, thanks, guys!

More later this evening. I've had a crap day and need my tea (+ a little something to soothe me)

 

#129:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 7:41 pm

*sends PatMac huggels and Baileys'

 

#130:  Author: niscii, Location: Aberdeen PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 8:04 pm

*adds a hefty slug of the bottle of red just opened*

 

#131:  Author: niscii, Location: Aberdeen PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 8:06 pm

er in a separate glass not the one the baileys is in!

Just to make that quite clear Confused

 

#132:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 8:14 pm

*sends Pat some extra huggles and waits eagerly*

 

#133:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 8:41 pm

thanks for the huggles and various drinks. Oh, that's a nice red, Niscii. I'm getting strawberries, a hint of elderberry, very drunk. "hic".

London, England, 3 days later

‘Snodgrass & Butterworth’ proclaimed the brass plate, ‘Publishers, established 1910’ The sign was not as shiny as it had once been when Mrs Groves cleaned it. A shame she had died. These new cleaning contractors were not the same. Mr Snodgrass paused as he reached the narrow door at the side of the newsagents, and sighed. He remembered when the shop had housed a superior tobacconist who sold hand made cigars and always greeted him by name when he entered. It had been a pleasant experience to take his time choosing his cigars and being escorted to the door by the proprietor with a bow. Nowadays, the girl in the shop called him ‘love’ and had bright pink hair. Not the same at all. He sighed again and shook his head as he slowly ascended the narrow stairs. He did not notice the dingy brown paint or the worn linoleum. In his mind, the world had stopped sometime in the 1940’s when the young clerks had gone to war and he had been forced to employ females.

He entered the reception area and greeted Doris. Over the years, she had become part of the establishment. Mr Snodgrass had forgotten that her fiancé had died in the desert campaign in World War 2. She had made no fuss, just settled in to her post and faded. That her parents had died, he had forgotten that too and the fact that she now lived in a bedsit in Canning Town was unknown to him. He had an address for the records and had never been east of Liverpool Street – and that was only to catch the boat train to Harwich.

Sighing again, for it had become a habit with him, Mr Snodgrass adjusted his half spectacles on his long nose and perused the morning mail. Discarding the bills (which seemed never ending) and the junk mail which offered useless goods such as electric typewriters, he eventually came to a manilla packet with a Swiss stamp. For the first time today his down turned narrow lips, curved into a smile. Ah! The estimable Mrs Maynard!

 

#134:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 8:56 pm

Aha! Wondered how the publishers would ever approve of it for publication - but after that description all is explained! Bet they get a shock once it goes out on sale! Laughing

 

#135:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 8:59 pm

Have we jumped forward in time? I dare say the publisher will quite agree with everything Jo has written - ohh I can just imagine the reviews when the book comes out, although I culd also seeing it be quite popular in a way, since no-one will think it's genuine advice.

 

#136:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 9:14 pm

Mr Butterworth slowly climbed the stairs, puffing a little as his ample frame was not suited to exertion. Pausing to catch his breath at the top of the stairs, he set a determined smile on his face and entered. “Good morning, Miss Baker, and how are you today.”

Doris simpered. Mr Butterworth was so nice. He always smiled and asked how she was.

“Very well, Mr Butterworth.” She replied as she always did, not realising that he was not even listening to her reply. “Mr Snodgrass would like you to step into his office when you have a moment.”

Mr Butterworth smiled again and went to his own office, where he carefully hung his Raincoat and umbrella on the stand, and then crossed to his partner’s office.

“Good morning, Mr Snodgrass.” “Good morning, Mr Butterworth.”

Mr Butterworth noticed that his partner’s face had a pink tinge instead of it’s usual grey tones. He seemed unusually excited and gestured for Mr Butterworth to take a seat.

“Here,” and he thrust a small packet of closely typewritten sheets into Mr Butterworth’s hands, “Mrs Maynard has made an excellent start! this first chapter is exvellent. I think this could be the turn of the tide for Snodgrass and Butterworth.”

Mr Butterworth read the draft with increasing excitement. Finally, he looked up at Mr Snodgrass. “I do believe you are right. This is what the country needs and I am sure what all those incompetent mothers want. Can you imagine the reviews!”

 

#137:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 9:16 pm

Unfortunately I can imagine the reviews. Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

 

#138:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 9:20 pm

Do we get to read the reviews?
Pretty Please!

 

#139:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 10:29 pm

Unfortunately, we get no reviews till the book is finished, so like every diligent author, Joey must get back to the typewriter (non-electric, of course!)

 

#140:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 10:49 pm

Awwwww PatMac - thought you'd posted more story!

 

#141:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:21 pm

Chapter 2 Night feeds

Unfortunately, babies do need feeding during the night at first. This is your primary duty and should be compensated for by an afternoon nap. Instruct your maid to leave a bucket of water outside your bedroom door, in which to place the nappy when you change it and the experience will be less distasteful.

Night feeds should not be allowed beyond the age of 3 months. If baby is fretful, place her crib in a far wing of the house where she will not disturb your rest.

If you are overly concerned about this, engage more staff so that she can sleep with the nursery maid. She can then change baby’s nappy and give her a bottle of water with a little added sugar if need be.

You should be careful to check on the nursery maid each morning to ensure that baby’s nappy has been changed as needed and that baby is well cared for. You cannot be too careful where your precious baby is concerned.

 

#142:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:21 pm

Very Happy Just caught up with this, it's brilliant PatMac! The two publishers are hysterical, just the sort who would publish Joey's books... loving her advice too, I'll have to save it somewhere in case I ever need it!

 

#143:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:23 pm

*surprised that Joey suggests a bucket of water for the nappy - rather than having the maid standing by do the diaper changing! Wink

 

#144:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:26 pm

How I wish I had been able to get through night feeds so easily. Why was I never given a copy of this book!!! Laughing Laughing Mr. Green Mr. Green ROFL ROFL

 

#145:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 11:28 pm

(hasty) Disclaimer
The author of this handbook reminds readers that this handbook is intended as advice only and should not be followed without referece to qualified medical opinion.

The author (not excluding ghost writers, editors and publishers) shall not be responsible for the consequences of following the advice conatined herein.

*Phew, I hope I got that in before the claims start pouring in.*

 

#146:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 12:00 am

PatMac! This is inspired!!! More soon please!!!!

 

#147:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 12:15 am

This is great PatMac. I can just imagine it being a best seller cos people will think its a comedy slant on child rearing!

 

#148:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 12:20 am

I could see it going that way too!

 

#149:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 12:33 am

That would be very possible actually... not sure what Joey would say if she realised though Very Happy

 

#150:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 8:35 am

Chelsea. Are you suggesting that Jo would have enough staff to have a night shift? She's only middle class, you know!

Carolyn. You shall have a signed copy and then you can try again. Twisted Evil

 

#151:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 9:19 am

The easy way to raise babies!

The latest offering from well-renowned author Josephine M. Bettany, who has chosen to publish this under her married name of Maynard, is one of the funniest books you'll read this year! Definitely not one to be read in a public place! The idealistic world in which the narrator has chosen to set the scene will not fail to inspire mirth and hilarity! I congratulate Mrs. Maynard on a book that left me chuckling all day.

 

#152:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 9:55 am

Quite brilliant!
(I'm taking notes! Wink )

Love the review KB!

 

#153:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 10:36 am

Thanks Pat and KB!! How convient to have a house large enough so you can't hear the child.

More please

 

#154:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 11:43 am

*giggles at KB's review*

*also giggles at the publishers and the book*

*asks PatMac in a loud voice for "more please"*

 

#155:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 12:35 pm

I think it is Julie's duty to read this drabble, make notes and bring up her baby according to Mrs maynard's theories. Then we will all get a chance to see just how effective those methods are.

Julie, where are you? Why are you screaming and running away? Come back!

Patmac - very funny! MORE please!

 

#156:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 1:19 pm

After reading this I'm beginning to think this child rearing must be a doddle, perhaps I should have one after all.



















































On second thoughts...Nah, there's bound to be a catch somewhere.

 

#157:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 1:23 pm

No dressing room, Ellie?

 

#158:  Author: Ellen,  PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 1:54 pm

Shocked Oh my poor baby!!! I'm going to be such a bad mother. He's not even twins, never mind triplets. I'm not married to a doctor, I have no maids, no dressing room and my house isn't huge.

 

#159:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 2:13 pm

PatMac wrote:
Chelsea. Are you suggesting that Jo would have enough staff to have a night shift? She's only middle class, you know!

Carolyn. You shall have a signed copy and then you can try again. Twisted Evil


Surely Anna doesn't need that much sleep Wink

 

#160:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 4:06 pm

It's amazing how much you can manage to do without really waking up! Like changing a bed 3 or 4 times a night! For each child!

 

#161:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 7:28 pm

Chapter 3 Weaning baby

It is a good idea to start to wean baby by six months. She may well have some teeth by then and be ready to chew on something like rusks. This will also lessen your burden as she can be fed by your maid or nursery maid. If you have followed my advice and planned a multiple birth for your first, you will be more than ready to cast them as the time taken in feeds does rather eat into the day.

You should not abdicate all responsibility, however, and should put in an appearance at breakfast in the nursery to check that she is learning good table manners and also to use the opportunity to reinforce your training of her personality.

Do not use convenience foods for your children. Mashed vegetables with a little meat put through a mouli grater and blended with a little home made gravy will be much better for them. There are bound to be leftovers from the dinner table which can make a wholesome meal and keep costs down.

You will want baby to associate you with happy times so ensure that she is well rested and fed before you spend time with her in the afternoon in the drawing room.

It would be a good idea to take up some outside interests at this point. Friendships with other mothers at this stage will enable you to assess their children’s behaviour to see if they are suitable playmates for your own children.

If your old school is in the neighbourhood, it would be good to be involved with it. The contact with the girls will keep you young and also reinforce your sense of self worth.

 

#162:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 7:32 pm

Another hilarious chapter!! Very Happy

 

#163:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 7:57 pm

Plus of course if the school is nearby there are plenty of girls around to amuse the babies if you invite them for tea Very Happy

Another great chapter PatMac!

 

#164:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 8:00 pm

Rofl. I'm loving this!

Would there be an orderly queue of mothers waiting to viciously attack Joey for writing this??

 

#165:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 8:02 pm

This is absolutely brilliant PatMac! I think you should do the whole hog and get it printed - people would love it!!

Oh, and could we have some more please! *looks angelic and offers a large bottle of wine and huuuge box of chocs*

 

#166:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 9:18 pm

Patmac would love an autographed copy, but even Joey's advice won't tempt me to try again...although a doctors income and a larger house might!

This is hilarious, please write some more.

 

#167:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 11:02 pm

PatMac this is hysterical! Laughing Please post more soon!

 

#168:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2004 11:08 pm

This just keeps getting better PatMac.

Please keep it up!!

 

#169:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 1:42 am

Pat this is brilliant, funnier and funnier.

 

#170:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 8:31 am

Carolyn P wrote:
Patmac would love an autographed copy, but even Joey's advice won't tempt me to try again...although a doctors income and a larger house might!


Well, you know where to find it, don't you? The Humour section of your local bookshop!

I love the idea of baby associating you with good times - but why is Jo suddenly talking as if there is only one baby?

 

#171:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 8:59 am

I think Joey realises that not all mothers are as clever as her and may only be able to have one at a time, poor souls.

 

#172:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:10 am

Ah, so she's being considerate, is she? First time for everything, I suppose.

 

#173:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:39 am

*clamouring for Chapter 4!*

 

#174:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 10:03 am

*joins in clamouring* Hey, it's not chanting!

 

#175:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 10:33 am

Aaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!


(Just adding my own brand of noise to the clamour)

 

#176:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 10:36 am

*staggers back away from Rachel and goes hunting for earplugs*

 

#177:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 1:08 pm

Thankfully I had mine readily to hand - starts chanting to add to the clamour...

...surprised we aren't getting complaints about the bnoise coming from this board.

ETA: loving this Pat can we have more please?

 

#178:  Author: Senji, Location: Cambridge, UK PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 1:45 pm

PatMac - I'm rolling on the floor laughing here... Laughing

 

#179:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 2:43 pm

Pat, you're slacking! More please!

 

#180:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 2:51 pm

This is absolutely brilliant Pat! We want more. We want more.

 

#181:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 4:08 pm

Pat, where are you? You haven't posted anymore yet, in spite of all the noise, to which I'm about to add drummer drummer drummer

 

#182:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 4:17 pm

PatMac this is Hilarious! Keep going please!

*clamours loudly*

 

#183:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 4:23 pm

Wot? Still no Chapter 4?

*resumes clamouring ... but louder this time megaphone *

 

#184:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 5:02 pm

*eagerly joins in clamouring, having purchased ear plugs*

 

#185:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 5:03 pm

adds to noise in hope that Pat might have to take notice soon

 

#186:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 5:09 pm

She'll either take notice or go deaf! Wink

 

#187:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 5:32 pm

Please post more Pat, this clamour is ruining any chance I have of studying.

 

#188:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 7:42 pm

Going back to the idea of having the baby associalte you with good times, it reminds me of a discussion we had in my Baby unit class this week. We were looking at case studies and discussing the needs of the child in each case and how we would provide for them. One was a prem baby who had just been discharged from hopspital and we were in the position of a nanny in sole charge for the length of the working day and into some evenings. One of the points raised was that we had to ensure a bonding and relationship between the parents and child and one way of helping that would be to ensure that time the parents could spend with the child wasn't full of dirty nappies and hungry screams. I.E. give the child to the parents happy and clean so they associate good times with their parents.


Now, may we have somne more please Pat?

 

#189:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 8:06 pm

So had the lecturer read Jo's book?

 

#190:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 8:20 pm

It was a serious point...and with this tutor, probably not!

 

#191:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 8:24 pm

Sorry there's been no more. We are a bit crazy at work at the moment.

Chapter 4 Potty Training

This is obviously a very important part of raising your child. The sooner she realises what the potty is for, the easier it will be to manage her.

I advocate holding baby out over a potty for a few minutes after each feed. If you praise her when she ‘performs’, she will gradually learn what it is for. As she grows bigger, she can be sat on her potty, perhaps with a few toys for a while several times a day. No child should be in nappies after the age of 2. All my children were trained before then and I would have felt that I was failing in my duty had they not have been.

This is one area of training that you should supervise quite carefully. Nursery maids are too lazy, in general to take the trouble to give the baby long enough to ‘perform’ and can be quite sloppy about this necessary discipline.

 

#192:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 8:26 pm

*giggles madly* Can anyone actually imagine Jo ever doing that herself?

 

#193:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:05 pm

Not this Jo, never in a million years!!!!

 

#194:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:07 pm

KB. One of your countrymen is responsible for a lot of the attitude of Jo's generation - Truby King! He recommended holding babies out over a potty from the age of one month!

Chapter 5 the Toddler

I have heard people say that the toddling stage is difficult to handle and that as soon as baby is moving around, their precious belongings are no longer safe. This obviously quite ridiculous and an unnecessary encroachment on your home and nerves.

Why, may I ask, is baby allowed to wander unsupervised? It is not fair to either baby or you and will lead to a fractious child. She should spend her days in the day nursery with the nursery nurse except for time in the garden. Get a playpen and have your maid put this near the kitchen window so she can keep an eye on the little one and ensure she is safe.

I firmly believe that small babies can learn to behave properly and should be capable of being in company for short periods. Her little lisping voice and good manners will enchant visitors and greatly enhance your reputation as a good mother.

Always ensure that such visits to the drawing room are kept short and that your little one is collected by your maid or her nurse well before her interest levels have dropped. This way, she will regard such visits as a treat.

Do not encourage baby talk round your young child. Speak to her in simple words but use complete sentences. Always be polite to your child and never raise your voice. She will learn more from example than anything.

 

#195:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:16 pm

PatMac wrote:
KB. One of your countrymen is responsible for a lot of the attitude of Jo's generation - Truby King! He recommended holding babies out over a potty from the age of one month!


*shrieks indignantly* That doesn't mean I can be held in any way responsible! It's nothing to do with me!!!! bawling swear

 

#196:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:17 pm

Hey! I agree with something Jo says!! I never used baby talk around my kids! Hate thing like Moo-cow, Choo-choo train etc. Yuk!!!

 

#197:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 9:51 pm

PatMac this is hysterical! More please!

 

#198:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 10:09 pm

I actually agree with Jo on that score.

Letting kids be in a place long enough, before they get frustrated, and then letting them go back to comfort zone works. (We used it with our students who had toddler mental age) It also works with non-toddlers Laughing

Also, plain, simple language is good.

 

#199:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 10:47 pm

The potty training was standard at one point, although I have never thought much of it.

I do agree about baby talk and about interest levels. Why should young children be expected to sit with guests for long periods, greet and bid farewell, that's always been my way, and provide them wth plenty to do in the between parts.

 

#200:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 11:16 pm

Chapter 5 Boys

I have assumed that your first child, even if you are unable to manage a multiple birth, will be a girl. Girls are certainly easier to manage than most boys, who are by nature rougher and have interests which you will not share.

However, sooner or later, you will find yourself with a boy to bring up and you may find this an alien concept, unless you had small brothers of your own.

Boys need firmer handling than girls but can be taught, with great effort, to be polite and well behaved. Do not hesitate to ask your husband to take a slipper to a badly behaved boy, though you must distinguish between high spirits and rudeness.

While you will want to keep your girls close to home till, perhaps 11 years of age, boys do well with the discipline of boarding school from the age of 7 or 8. Discipline from the earliest days will ensure that your little men are ready for this.

In the same way that you will want your little girls to help clear the table and learn to sew at an early age, do not neglect to find little suitable jobs for your boys. Fetching the shoes to the kitchen for cleaning, helping the odd job man wash the car, even helping the gardener are all ways to ensure that they grow up into useful citizens.

Be careful that you stress how important Daddy is to the family and how clever he is, even though they may see little of him. Small children need a role model and boys, brought up as they are in a world of women do need to have a man to look up to so that they grow up able to take their responsibilities as heads of their own families eventually.

 

#201:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2004 11:18 pm

Ow, Pat, this is sooooooo funny!

ENCORE!

 

#202:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 12:39 am

*giggles*
That sounds like the Joey we know and loathe (oops... love Smile )

 

#203:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 3:16 am

Reading these last parts have a mental image of Jo as a speaker at a conference and the audience either rocking with laughter or walking out.

Fantastic Pat

 

#204:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 4:18 am

*just became worried about the possible susceptible new mothers who will try to follow this advice Exclamation

 

#205:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 5:48 am

Surely no one would be that susceptible?

More please PatMac! Laughing

 

#206:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 6:39 am

Susan wrote:
Reading these last parts have a mental image of Jo as a speaker at a conference and the audience either rocking with laughter or walking out.

Fantastic Pat


Funnily enough, I had the image of Jo doing the rocking - in a rocking chair beside the fire.

 

#207:  Author: Kathye, Location: Laleham PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 9:50 am

We'll done Pat, if this is only your first effort you should have a BIG pat on the back as its great and we didn't know what we were missing, you won't be allowed to stay quiet after this ? Twisted Evil

The scary thing is a lot of Joey's ideas arn't that wacky in the books, especially in the La Rochelle one's, I know she didn't have kids, but Megan has learnt to sleep through any amount of noise from a young age and it makes life much easier now, in fact my friend and I have a joke, about raising our children the CS way.

Can't wait to get to the reviews, more please Pat, I'm sure your clients will understand....... NOT Twisted Evil

 

#208:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 10:11 am

Loads of posts - how wonderful!

This just gets better and better!
Looking forward to MORE ......................!

 

#209:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:56 am

More please, Pat. This is hilarious.

 

#210:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 1:11 pm

Fantastic - the close supervision of baby wasn't copied from her sister who allowed David to wander into flowerbeds and fall over....

Would be quite scared if any new parent did try and use this as a handbook!

 

#211:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 1:24 pm

thanks for the flowers, guys! Razz . I did wonder how it would go down. Trouble is, I think I can only do the comic ones, it must be the way my mind works. Shocked

 

#212:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 1:29 pm

Thats ok we like to laugh! Laughing

Sending cake in absence of flowers emoticon birthday cake

 

#213:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 2:48 pm

I think it's time we had the next installment, Pat. Pretty please? Very Happy

 

#214:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 4:40 pm

You've certainly kept us entertained today Pat, hough more is always appreciated of course.
Not having raised a child I'm not really qualified to comment on the theories, except to say that the whole drabble is hilarious, but I have to agree on the baby talk. When I was growing up our neighbours had a much younger son, to whom they used to describe things as "Chuff Chuffs (trains) and Moo Cows, fine, until he saw a western on TV and started talking about Moo Cowboys.

 

#215:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 5:41 pm

More soon please, this makes me giggle so much!

 

#216:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 5:51 pm

Too too funny Pat. I love it! Just what I needed after my four-in-a-row tutorial marathon this morning Very Happy

 

#217:  Author: Senji, Location: Cambridge, UK PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 6:02 pm

It gets better! Laughing Laughing Laughing

One minor niggly point - you've got two part 5s, but that doesn't detract from the fun. Very Happy

 

#218:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 6:31 pm

I got confused, Senji!

Chapter 7 Increasing your family

It is a good idea to space your children at least 15 months apart. I know this is not always possible and some poor women find it difficult to have children and so the gap is greater. My heart goes out to them.

It is such a pleasant feeling to have a little baby dependant on you and as they pass the age of a year, children do not need so much care from their mother. I always yearned for another baby once my youngest reached the age of one or so.

I think it would be excessive to have twins or triplets again for a few years and having a few singletons in between will make for variety.

You can use the clothes and nappies you had for your first babies (or baby if you only managed to have one) so the cost is not so great. Even if you have a boy next, it does not really matter if he is in girl’s clothes till he is old enough to walk out in public. While he is in a pram, no-one can see under the blankets that he is wearing a dress. You will of course need to get at least one new outfit to wear when you have company, but someone is sure to give you some outfits for these occasions.

It is as your next child reaches the toddling stage and needs some entertaining, that your training of your eldest begins to bear fruit. She will be able to play with him or her when your nursery maid is busy with preparing the children’s meals and can carry out little tasks like fetching his clean clothes.

 

#219:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 6:45 pm

Shocked *suddenly feeling very, very sorry for Steve* Shocked

 

#220:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 6:56 pm

Hiya Senji! Nice to see that Thomas is no longer alone Laughing


And Patmac - this is priceless.

 

#221:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 7:28 pm

This is soooooo good Pat!

However, I am shocked that you have given the husband a task to do (albeit a small one), and that Joey acknowledges some one might only have one child!

 

#222:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 8:58 pm

Excellent PatMac! More please!

 

#223:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 9:03 pm

Excellent, poor Steve.

I wonder if the first was a boy if she would still advocate using the same clothes?

 

#224:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 9:59 pm

Interlude. Joey’s Salon

Jack Maynard was having a rare evening relaxing. He stretched his long legs to the fire, lit his pipe and took a sip of his whisky.

He liked to look across the room and see Joey, curled up in her big armchair with her mending basket on the table beside her, concentrating on darning his socks. It made him feel proud to see her dark head bent over his socks. He was lucky in his wife. Not only had she brought up his 11 children to become the pride of his old age, kept a comfortable and clean home for him to relax in and become a successful author but she found time to darn his socks.

The thought did cross his mind, sometimes, that it might be nice to have a new pair for a change but he was attached to them. After all he had had some of them 20 years now and if darning kept Joey quiet when he was trying to relax, he wouldn’t complain..

 

#225:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 10:06 pm

Oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww!!!

*groans with laughter and clutches aching sides*
More soon please!!!

 

#226:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 10:13 pm

Love the sock darning bit, funny how we pick up on that isn't it?

Does Jack know about this book, wonder what he will think of it! Laughing

 

#227:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 10:19 pm

Joey, though apparently concentrating on Jack’s socks was musing over the circumstances which had led her, just an ordinary mother and housewife to save children from inferior upbringing.

She felt proud but strangely humble that she should be chosen to lead the mothers of the world to enlightenment. These thoughts strengthened her resolve to continue with her book, despite the tedium of detailing all the boring details of childcare.

 

#228:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 10:36 pm

This just gets better and better Pat. That last bit was priceless. Very Happy

 

#229:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:12 pm

Those socks must be all darn and no sock! Laughing Laughing Laughing

Lovely Pat - more soon please!

 

#230:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:25 pm

*love the thought of socks darned for 20 years

*love Joey's 'selflessness'

 

#231:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:34 pm

Very Happy Oh dear, my sides hurt Very Happy
Can't decide whether I'm laughing hysterically over Jack's 20 year old socks or poor Steve having to wear a dress...

 

#232:  Author: Kate, Location: Ireland PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 1:11 am

But little boys did wear dresses in the first part of the twentieth century - the original reason was that potential kidnappers wouldn't steal girls as they'd be of no use to them. So if you dressed a boy like a girl, they wouldn't know... and then the custom stuck. If you look at old photos, boys are dressed like girls til they are about four or five. That custom is definietly still in in CS-time - re Phoebe making frocks for Ailie, before she knew she was a girl. And I think there are other references in rescue, at least, to Steve's frocks.
So Steve did wear dresses! Felix and Geoff didn't seem to though! I'm not sure about the other two.

ANYWAY! I am LOVING this story. Smile

 

#233:  Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 2:37 am

Agrees with Kate -- never heard anything about the kidnapping part, but I do have a lovely baby picture of my grandfather that you'd think was a girl if you didn't know better. There was sort of a timetable: first long gowns, then the special occasion of "shortening," and only later any gender distinctions for clothing.

Thanks Pat for presenting Joey's masterpiece Cool .

 

#234:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 4:08 am

I always thought it was because it was easier to change diapers if the baby was in a dress - but I think I made that up, so it isn't based on any facts.

 

#235:  Author: Kelly, Location: Auckland, New Zealand PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 7:05 am

This is just wonderful PatMac!
I've sat here and read it from start to where you are now and I can't wait for more!

 

#236:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 8:39 am

Re the dresses. Yes that is quite true and then there was a phase where you made the dresses with a really deep hem so you could undo the hem and make a romper suit if you had a boy. rompersuits were actually quite practical with buttons to do up between the legs and elastic round the legs.

 

#237:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:24 am

Fabulous ... Laughing

What next please, PatMac?

 

#238:  Author: Tassie_Ellen, Location: Tasmania, Australia PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:48 am

Ow, my sides hurt and Emily wants to know what I'm crying about

*pauses to explain to a six-year-old about weeping with laughter*

this is great, PatMac. Wish I could be a fly on the wall in the reviewer's office Shocked

 

#239:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 11:52 am

Argh, the pain of trying not to laugh out loud in the library! Love the idea of Jack being so attached to his socks.

*pulls self together to avoid being thrown out of library*

 

#240:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 5:44 pm

I loved the bit about the socks as well! I wonder how uncomfortable they were?

More please Very Happy

 

#241:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 9:56 pm

A little more, but I MUST get an early night!

Chapter 8 Educating your children

Now, this is something you cannot leave to servants. The children must learn to speak nicely and to appreciate the finer things of life. They will not get this from servants.

Beginning short lessons each morning as soon as they are big enough to sit at a little specially made desk, will help them learn early to overcome the tendency to fidget, which is so annoying in other people’s children,

My own children learned to count from the age of one and I read simple classic fairytales and carefully chosen passages from the New Testament to them as well. I also had some of my old books, which were still in perfect condition of course, from my childhood. I was particularly fond of ‘The ABC for little folks’. I have them still, despite 11 children having learned from them and they will go to my grandchildren in due course.

You should be careful what books your children are exposed to and it is well to vet the reading of your nursery nurse once the children can read, say from 3 or 4 years old. You would not want them to see some of the trashy modern novels that such girls read and it will be better for the girl if you guide her reading into better paths.

You may have some spare or old copies of such works as Dickens, it would be kind to lend them to her, but do not let her have any books you will want to read again as girls from this class are not brought up to respect books and she will undoubtedly read them without washing her hands and lay them down carelessly.

As the children grow older, you will want to include little arithmetic lessons and ensure that they learn to write neatly. They will grow to love their lessons with their beloved mother and will look back on these days as the happiest times of their lives.

 

#242:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 9:59 pm

Oh yeah?!!! sure they will!!! And I'm sure the poor harrassed maid will love having her private reading dictated to. Actually, I'm surprised that Jo acknowledges that maids would read for pleasure at all!!

 

#243:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:03 pm

I'm sorry, Pat, that my portrayal of Joey, faithfully taken from her dictation, should lead you believe that she does not have her servants' welfare at heart!

 

#244:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:06 pm

I was implying that though Jo may genuinely believe that she has their welfare at heart, they may not quite agree with her!

 

#245:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:09 pm

Oh crikey, I feel very disrespectful asking if Jo is quite possibly on the same planet as the rest of us but I have to! Oh dear oh dear, very funny indeed.

 

#246:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:13 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

PatMac this is worryingly close to true (CS) life!!

More please!

 

#247:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:16 pm

Pat wrote:
I was implying that though Jo may genuinely believe that she has their welfare at heart, they may not quite agree with her!


Surely, Pat, they could not be so ungrateful as to spurn an opportunity to improve themselves!

 

#248:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:35 pm

Ouch!

This is disturbingly close and completely hilarious!!

Enjoy your sleep PatMac for we shall be knocking on your door in the morning!!

 

#249:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:43 pm

I keep giggling to myself over this. Can't wait for more. Please!

 

#250:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 10:52 pm

Although I've been laughing at this and thinking so much is just Jo I've realised the scary thing - quite a bit of it is similar to me
Refering the a baby as 'she' all the time (only because I'm used to girls, I've only had a boy for less than 8 weeks and it is different)
the language thing - I do tend to avoid baby language
and the more children is me, by the time my babies reach 6 months I get incrediably broody (and so far, although not achieving multiples have been lucky enough to conceive first month each time), and the older ones do tend to help bring nappies, wipes etc over - my 3 year old and the almost 2 year old love to help, but it is their choice. And although they have new clothes as well they do wear a lot of each others old stuff (although Conan has avoided being put into the girly stuff he's been in a lot of their old unisex things)

 

#251:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 11:18 pm

Your girls obviously love having a baby brother Very Happy

Pat that last part so so hilarious and soooo true!!

 

#252:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 12:50 am

When exactly are the poor nursery nurses supposed to find the time to do any reading for pleasure?!?!?

But looking forward to more Wink

 

#253:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 12:57 am

Rachel wrote:
When exactly are the poor nursery nurses supposed to find the time to do any reading for pleasure?!?!?


Never mind the time, Dickens for pleasure.

Last edited by Carolyn P on Sat Feb 14, 2004 1:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#254:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 12:58 am

But I like Dickens!

 

#255:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 1:00 am

Considering reading his books is rather akin to torture I should have expected that!


(knew someone would say so anyway!)

 

#256:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 3:04 am

Aunty PatMac? May we have a bit more of your lovely bedtime story please?

 

#257:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:44 am

Feel very sorry for Jack's feet with all those darns.

Love the story more soon please.

Last edited by Susan on Tue Feb 17, 2004 3:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#258:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 8:18 am

*lol* Is there any part of the maids' lives that Jo isn't going to pry into?

 

#259:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 8:45 am

KB wrote:
*lol* Is there any part of the maids' lives that Jo isn't going to pry into?


Well, there's one area she won't! She'll just make sure that area doesn't exist!

Claire, sounds like you are doing fine - I'm sure you don't pass the messy bits over to a maid and limit your contribution to the housework to darning 20 yr old socks?

 

#260:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 9:02 am

Do you think she'd restrain herself even there?!

 

#261:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 2:00 pm

Well Anna somehow missed the chance to get married, so may be she would intefere there as well.

 

#262:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 3:58 pm

Love this PatMac! Can we have some more soon please? Very Happy

 

#263:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:46 pm

Lovely, Patmac. I wonder whether the children did think they were the best days of their lives?

 

#264:  Author: Rebecca, Location: Kendal/Oxford PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 5:08 pm

This is great stuff! And it's so true!

 

#265:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 6:54 pm

May I begin a chant for more!!

 

#266:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 7:42 pm

You may and you have, Ally!

*joins in*

 

#267:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 9:51 pm

Sorry, guys, today has been one of those **** days!

My car has been sick with an electrical problem - intermittent of course.

I got all behind with having to go back to the garage this morning and then go and pick it up later and I'm all behind myself!

tomorrow afternoon at the earliest **** RL!

 

#268:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 9:58 pm

Sorry PatMac - (sending a hug via modem). Hope tomorrow is better!

 

#269:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 10:26 pm

Loved Friday's bits - looking forward to tomorrows - hope your car gets better soon.

 

#270:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2004 11:17 pm

It's going to take me hours to catch up on everything! Rolling Eyes

 

#271:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 9:03 am

*huggles to PatMac*

 

#272:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:42 pm

Also sends Huggles

I can wait patiently until the next installment

 

#273:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 4:22 pm

London 3 days later

Mr Snodgrass and Mr Butterworth were relaxing after lunch. Mr Snodgrass was enveloped in a cloud of cigar smoke and looking rather smug. Mr Butterworth, sitting opposite, laid down the pile of manuscript he had been reading and sat back in his chair with a satisfied sigh.

“Well?” said Mr Snodgrass, “Up to standard, I think?”

“Oh, yes indeed!” exclaimed Mr Butterworth, “and she is making rapid progress. I wonder if we should have a woman read it before we consider publication. I know nothing about all this detail. I’ve never involved myself in women’s work.”

Mr Snodgrass frowned, thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t have thought that would be necessary. Mrs Maynard has so much experience with 11 children and, from what she tells me, they have all done very well and are devoted to her. I think we may rely on her judgement .”

Mr Butterworth heaved himself to his feet. “I’m sure you are right. I understand the older girls all made good marriages, apart from the one who became a nun, and the boys all have good careers so I think we can safely trust our one and only Mrs Maynard’s good sense. I’ll go and start thinking about bindings and so on. We will want to go to press as soon as she is finished.”

He returned to his own office, sat at his desk and pressed the intercom. “No calls for an hour Miss Cooper, I shall be busy.” He adjusted the backrest of his chair and closed his eyes, indulging in a daydream of his share of the earnings from this book. After a little while, he began to snore.

 

#274:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 4:27 pm

Oh, that last bit was wonderful! This is such a fantastic story! Do we get more pearls of wisdom?

 

#275:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 5:02 pm

Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh, that's so funny. And it's probably not a wise idea for me to be reading it in the library... *looks around suspiciously*

Starts an appreciation chant! *chant, chant, chant*

 

#276:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 5:08 pm

RL having been beaten into submission (more or less!), I'm trying to catch up with this.

Chapter 9 Mixing with other children

You will want your children to learn to mix well with other children before they start school. You may remember that I suggested you should consider developing friendships with other mothers in order to assess the suitability of their children as playmates for your own.

If you have followed this advice, you should be able to introduce your little ones to the acceptable ones gradually. You will need to keep a close eye on the behaviour of other children while playing with your own. Not all mothers are careful in instilling politeness into their children and you would not want your careful training undone.

If you have a sister living nearby with children, this is a good place to start as you will know that her standards are close to your own. Do not rely on this without supervising their play at first, however. Even members of your own family can spoil their children.

Although your little girls will, naturally be pretty and look fetching in their little dresses, instil in them a suitable modesty. Your friends will naturally be taken with them and too much praise can spoil a child’s character. My husband had to take one of our triplets in hand because her looks were so remarked on and she soon learnt that ‘Praise to the face is open disgrace.’

As your boys will be going to away to school earlier than the girls, you will need to ensure that they are able to cope away from you. If you have a friend in a nearby town with boys of a suitable age, you might suggest sharing their Tutor and having the boys home for weekends only. This will encourage them to mix well, teach them independence from you and prepare them for the time when they can only come home for the holidays. This will also give you more time to spend with your precious girls.

 

#277:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 5:25 pm

*giggles wildly* Is this almost the first mention of a husband we've had in all this?

And, as always, the last line is superb!

 

#278:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 5:51 pm

That you Pat. Very Happy

The problem is that it all sounds so believable!

 

#279:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 5:53 pm

*thinks*

I'm not convinced that Sybs would come under 'suitable company'

and I wonder how madge would feel about not starting out with either a multiple or a girl...

 

#280:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 6:19 pm

Love this so much! Joey is coming across just like she did in the books! More soon please! Laughing

 

#281:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 6:33 pm

Thank you that was wonderful. Reminded me so much of Jo to the Rescue.

 

#282:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2004 10:56 pm

*Weeps with laughter*
Oh, thank you Auntie PatMac!!!

 

#283:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 12:10 am

Chapter 10 Preparing for School

If you have school friends with children nearby, it is a bonus as your girls will become friends and so be at an advantage when they start school. They will learn which girls will become their followers and which will become rivals and, with a little help, develop strategies for dealing with both.

The school you choose for your darling girls will, of course, be the one you attended and where you became a legend in your time, and having kept in close touch with both staff and girls, your children will be welcomed and already be on good terms with the headmistress who will be delighted at her welcome into your family as she will, poor soul, have no children of her own. Do not neglect the Matron, either. A little flattery and attention will endear her to you and then to your daughters. Women who take this position are often frustrated with lack of family of their own. By cultivating her company, however tiresome, you will be doing her a favour as well as helping your dear girls.

During the intervening years, you will have been become invaluable to the school and be able to help keep it to the standards to which you aspire. Some advice when you deem it is needed and an offer of help such as having new girls to tea and offering to mother them if needed, will make you indispensable to the school and prepare the way for your own girls to do well and move up through the school in positions of responsibility such as Form or Dormitory Prefects and eventually reach the pinnacle of school prefects and even supply a few Head Girls from your family. Think how proud you will be. It will be no more than you deserve for the service you have provided for the school by keeping the staff and girls in touch with a happy family life.

Other strategies to make yourself popular with staff and girls are helping with such events as the School Fete, where slightly extravagant giving will improve your standing, or writing the School Play for which you will receive much acclaim and enhance the standing of your girls.

 

#284:  Author: Chickpea,  PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 12:17 am

I presume that there is no need to state that you should, of course, ensure that your daughters win the star prize at the school fete not once but twice, thereby allowing them to make magnanimous (sp?) gestures.

 

#285:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 12:32 am

And if you can ensure strong family and financial ties to the school, then all the better.

 

#286:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 12:51 am

*Ouch, I ache laughing* *Wonders if Joey's head fits through the door these days

 

#287:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 1:13 am

This is great PatMac - when do we hear about adopting any stray waif you can find?

 

#288:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:06 am

*sobbing with laughter again!!*

 

#289:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:26 am

Chelsea wrote:
This is great PatMac - when do we hear about adopting any stray waif you can find?


don't worry, it's on the list! Twisted Evil

 

#290:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 7:55 am

Pleas. please, please let us see the reactions of people other than the dinosaur publishers - dying to see if it will be taken seriously - and thereby set Jo up for lynching - or ridiculed!!

More please PatMac! Laughing

 

#291:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:35 am

*giggles wildly* This just gets better and better! I love the comments about being generous at the Sale. I also can't wait to see how the general public responds!

 

#292:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 1:11 pm

Thank you Pat Very Happy

I think Joey is going to upset a few people, namely Miss Annersley and Matey ~ she was so rude!

 

#293:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 1:21 pm

Loved the publishers!

Loved the bit about forging a relationsip with Matron!

Hysterically funny!
Thanks PatMac Very Happy

 

#294:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:15 pm

Ah, just caught up with this PatMac - hilarious as always!

 

#295:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 4:10 pm

*chants for more*

 

#296:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 4:30 pm

*joins Vikki in the chanting*

 

#297:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 4:59 pm

*joins the chant much to the amusement of onlookers* What do you mean I'm supposed to be inthe library to work?

 

#298:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 6:08 pm

pim, don't be silly, nobody actually works in the library Razz

I'm definately seeing Joey's friends and family being a little annoyed when this comes out... could be interesting (and that's nothing on what her kids will feel!)

 

#299:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 6:18 pm

Sarah_K wrote:
pim, don't be silly, nobody actually works in the library Razz



Good good. *vows to carry on yibbling in the library for evermore*

 

#300:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:33 pm

Argh...I'm in a swither.

I really want to see more of the book 'cos Joey is so funny, and yet it all sounds so typical of her.

However, I also long to see the reactions of the staff, family, and general public, but that will mean the book is finished.

I don't know what to chant for. Confused

 

#301:  Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:37 pm

Well we could always have PatMac/Jo write a sequel Very Happy

LOVING this PatMac - so beeeeautifully in character with Jo and yet so utterly ridiculous! Looking forward to more!

 

#302:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:38 pm

I do!

MORE STORY!

MORE STORY!

MORE STORY!



See - tis easy! Wink

 

#303:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:41 pm

Surely it doesn't matter what we get, as long as we get something!

 

#304:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:48 pm

Yelling for MORE

 

#305:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:53 pm

This is great - can you follow it up with a 'normal' woman trying to follow the advice?

 

#306:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 10:29 pm

Interlude

Joey Maynard leant back in her chair and stretched. “I’m fed up with writing this book,” she exclaimed, “I need some company. I know, I’ll run across to the school. I haven’t been over for at least two days! Hilda is sure to be free to chat and I can tell her about the book.”

At the Chalet School, Rosalie glanced through the window of her office and caught sight of Joey leaving through the French doors of her salon. Springing to her feet she ran across to Miss Annersley’s study and with a quick tap on the door, hurried in.

“Joey alert!” she exclaimed, urgently, “and I got stuck with her last time. Someone else’s turn today.”

The four mistresses who were enjoying a well earned coffee while discussing the next term’s timetable, all sprang to their feet, their faces white with dread.

“Alright, you three,” exclaimed Hilda Annersley, bravely, “I’ll cope today. Quick, run up the back stairs. And take your coffee cups!”

She quickly tidied away all the papers from her desk, knowing Joey would shamelessly read everything in sight. Getting out a specially prepared file with sheets of imaginary timetables, Hilda bent her head to the papers and became, to all appearances busy.

The handle of the French doors rattled and Joey stood frowning to find the doors locked. Hilda chuckled silently. Since finding Jo going through her private drawers the previous week, she had taken to locking the doors. Joey tapped at the window and, when this had no effect, shouted “Cooeeee!” in a voice that could have broken the glass. Hilda looked up, apparently distracted from her papers, and went across to unlock the door.

“Hello, Joey. Do you need me for anything?” she smiled.

Joey bounced into the room and slung her cape across a chair, her sensible shoes making a loud noise on the parquet floor. She dropped into a chair, which creaked ominously as Joey had become rather pump in middle age.

“I just realised I hadn’t seen you for ages,” she breezed, “so I thought I’d come over and get the latest hanes.” Hilda winced. Joey did do a phrase to death and had been using the word ‘hanes’ since the school was on the Welsh border, many years ago.

“What’s the latest?” she continued. “Anything exciting like the middles boiling a clock?”

Hilda’s eyes glazed. She knew that however busy she appeared to be, Joey would continue in this vein, going through all the old, old stories till she ran out of steam – and that could take a long while.

Joey continued with her reminiscences and Hilda’s mind went off at a tangent, planning her next summer holiday while her face produced the appropriate expressions and her mouth made automatic noncommittal responses.

Thus, she missed the funniest story of the year. Joey Maynard was writing a book on bringing up children.

 

#307:  Author: Dot, Location: Ireland PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 10:32 pm

Haha!! Love the fact that Hilda's eyes glazed over!! Very Happy

Dot

 

#308:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 10:32 pm

*giggles madly* I love the school being so sick of Jo! And how will they all react when the books comes out?

 

#309:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 10:39 pm

*giggling like a loon and can't actually type straight* Owwwwwwwww, my sides hurt. Pat you are a genius!

 

#310:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 10:58 pm

PatMac, that was superub. Love the staff's reaction, and to see Hilda prepared with fake papers!!! ROFL

 

#311:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 11:03 pm

Oh dear, I think Hilda would have liked to hear that particular bit of news. I love the idea that she had a special set of fake papers for Joey's visits though!

 

#312:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 11:30 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Oh Pat that's wonderful (giggling madly at a 'Joey alert!')

 

#313:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2004 11:32 pm

love hilda glazing over and all the anti-joey preparations, wish we'd got her reaction though

 

#314:  Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 12:01 am

Hilarious! Thank you PatMac! I can sooooo imagine the mistresses feeling that way when Joey came over to gossip Laughing

 

#315:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 2:08 am

Oooh Wonderful Pat, I just wish that Hilda had been slightly more alert when Jo mentioned 'the book', (of which I am so looking forward to the next chapter)

 

#316:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 7:48 am

I too am looking forward to the next chapter.

 

#317:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 3:19 pm

Have just caugt up with loads of this. It is so fantastically funny. Could just see Jo keeping copie sin a cupboard and presenting one to unsuspecting ladies who went to tell her they were going to be 'busy'.


Would love to see one of the triplets or Jo herself promoting it on a chat show.

 

#318:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 3:37 pm

Thank you. It's fun to see what the staff really think of Joey!! (And thanks for the 'hanes' comment that's always annoyed me!

 

#319:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 5:43 pm

I loved the image of the staff sneaking away up the back staircase, and Hilda having special pretend files to work on when Joey is around Laughing

*looking forward to more.

 

#320:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:13 pm

Just caught up with this! I'm beginning to wonder if any of the Chalet staff will actually bother to read Joey's book! More soon please Laughing

 

#321:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:17 pm

Why would they? None of them are mothers!

 

#322:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:25 pm

True, but I want to see their reaction!!!

 

#323:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:28 pm

Oh, so do I! Perhaps they will read it because it was written by Jo - she might sit down and watch them read it! Then again, being her peers and single, they might agree!

 

#324:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:31 pm

I can see her forcing them to read it. She'd probably do it out loud! But I can't see they would like it all!

 

#325:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:36 pm

*imagines Jo orating and the others trying not to laugh out loud*

 

#326:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:47 pm

I can just imagine Joey donating a copy to the staffroom for research purposes (you know all these mistresses who get engaged etc!) and some poor unsuspecting female picking it up one day out of sheer boredom and then being unable to go through with the wedding!

 

#327:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:49 pm

I debated printing off a copy for my own mother for Mother's Day to point out the obviously glaring errors she made in my upbringing. I'm feeling very deprived now.

On second thoughts... I do want to live til the end of my degree at least, so maybe I won't.

 

#328:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 6:49 pm

*wipes breadcrumbs off my keyboard* Rachel, you could be right...

 

#329:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:17 pm

*thinks that Pim is being very wise

 

#330:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:30 pm

More words of wisdome from the Mother of the Year

Chapter 11 School Holidays

An advantage of having a large family is that, as your older children go to school, you will have younger ones to fill your nursery. This is fine during term time but the long summer holidays will see all your older children home again, always much bigger than your remember them and full of energy. As pleased as you will be to see them, older children can be quite tiring and, once you have visited all your local friends to show them how nicely your children are growing up, you will need a distraction.

The long summer holiday is, I think, too long for children and should be shortened, but tradition being what it is, there is little hope of teachers giving up their short working year.

I recommend renting a large house in a country area for the summer where the older children can run free and be out of the house all day. They may even meet other children who need help and you can then take a leisurely stroll with the pram to cheer them up with your advice when you feel up to it.

Your maid can pack lunch baskets for them and they will come back tired, ready for dinner and bed. Your husband can join you at weekends or even for a week or two if he can be spared from his work. He, too will enjoy the fresh air and relaxed atmosphere.

Be sure to spend some quiet time with each girl, checking that they are growing up as you would wish and reinforcing your early training. Also be sure that your husband spends time with the boys and gives them the parental attention they need.

Do not deny your girls the joy of caring for the little ones. They will enjoy taking them for walks and bathing and feeding them and this will give your maid some free time to get on with her mending.

You will all come home refreshed and with fond memories of your adventures with which to regale your friends.

The Christmas Holidays will be easier to manage. They are shorter and, provided the boys’ school is at a good distance, at least one day at each end of the holiday period will be taken with travelling. The girls, meanwhile, being close to home, will enjoy helping with the Christmas preparations and getting the house ready for the boys’ return. Once the boys arrive, they can split the logs for the traditional Christmas fire and go to collect holly from the neighbourhood.

Do take your children carol singing. Their sweet voices will cheer the lonely and you can take small presents of food for the elderly. A homemade cake will be particularly popular and, will present no great problem, provided you plan well ahead. It is as easy for your servant to produce ten cakes as one. They need not be very big but should be wrapped thoughtfully, another thing your girls can do in preparation for Christmas.

Do not neglect to visit the poorer homes. Even the best villages have some and the occupants will be grateful for little gifts such as tinned food or clothes which your children have outgrown. It might be wiser to refuse hospitality at such homes.

Take all your children, except the smallest, to church for the carol services and Midnight Mass. Your local priest will be so pleased to see them and to receive the generous offerings you will be sure to make.

Half term should present no problems. It will not be worth the boys coming home and the school is sure to provide some trips for them. Perhaps you could offer to have some of the girls from the school to stay, ensuring of course that they are congenial to your own dear girls. They will amuse one another and the girls will enjoy listening to your tales of the school as it was when you were young. You will be doing them a service by ensuring that subsequent generations of girls keep up the traditions. Quite a few of the girls will have no experience of small children and you can do them a great deal of good by letting them learn to look after your little ones. They will so enjoy the experience and it will help prepare them for the future.

To sum up, holidays need present no extra work for you, provided you plan well. It will be such a delightful experience to see all your family around you and your heart will swell with pride at the excellent way you have brought them up.

 

#331:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:43 pm

*shrieks madly with laughter*

I'm so glad that dear Jo is consistent - she gets the girls and hubby has the boys, if they have to be there!

But why is the maid doing her own mending? Surely she should be doing the family's mending in her few spare moments!

 

#332:  Author: Rebecca, Location: Kendal/Oxford PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:45 pm

*cackling madly!*

So that's where our family holidays went wrong...

 

#333:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:54 pm

*wonders why Joey didn't plan better and have the boys at schools that took 2 days travelling each way.

 

#334:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:00 pm

Oh, Chelsea, that's really harsh!

 

#335:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:24 pm

Why didn't you post this before it was half term, still I'll be prepared for the next lot of school holidays.
* makes mental note to get maid before easter

 

#336:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:32 pm

Pat, brilliant as always! Isn't Jo thoughful for her local community!

*Wonders if the boys ever recognised Jo?*

 

#337:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:50 pm

Oh Pat, this is absolutely fantastic!! Please please please may we have some more very soon?!

 

#338:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 10:03 pm

Wonder how many of the poorer households in the parish would refuse to open the door when Joey and Co were out visiting!

Fantastic again Pat!!! ROFL

 

#339:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 10:21 pm

*JOINS THE APPLAUSE*

Fabulous - Hilda will kick herself when she realises what she's missed!

There could be repercussions for the school though - having a psycho author living next door and imposing herself on both staff and girls with such frequency won't look godd to the parents!!

 

#340:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:11 pm

*giggles wildly and hopes for more*

 

#341:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:12 pm

*weeping with laughter, clutching sides and oh for goodness sake, falling off chair again*

 

#342:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:27 pm

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face (not tears of laughter though Crying or Very sad ) This has just cheered me up immensely ...diffinitely feeling better now ! -thank you!

 

#343:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:44 pm

*huggles Sugarplum!*

 

#344:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 12:09 am

*hugs Sugarplum*

Thanks Pat, another priceless chapter Very Happy

 

#345:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 12:15 am

Thank you PatMac, that was just what I needed in the middle of half term!

*Giggles yet again Laughing *

 

#346:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 1:21 am

Thanks PatMac - another wonderful chapter. Can just see Jo giving this as a speech at a Mothers' Union or something.

 

#347:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 2:14 am

Just re read the bit from earlier now I'm feeling "slightly" more composed ......its hillarious Thanks PatMac

More please !

 

#348:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 3:55 am

*Agrees with all of the above*
More soon please.

 

#349:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 7:49 am

Sugarplum wrote:
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face (not tears of laughter though Crying or Very sad ) This has just cheered me up immensely ...diffinitely feeling better now ! -thank you!


Is there anything we can help with, Sugarplum?

 

#350:  Author: Kate, Location: Ireland PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:25 am

Sugarplum - *huggles* Are you ok?

 

#351:  Author: keren,  PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:57 am

KB wrote:
*shrieks madly with laughter*



But why is the maid doing her own mending? Surely she should be doing the family's mending in her few spare moments!


I am sure that her mending meant the family mending, she shoud do her own in her real spare moments, after 10:00 at night!

 

#352:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 2:18 pm

That's all right then!

 

#353:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 4:58 pm

Arrgh, theres no more. Please Pat!!!

 

#354:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:37 pm

*chants for more*

 

#355:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 9:43 pm

Chapter 12 Growing up

It always seems to me a pity to see girls grow up before they have to and lose that innocent wonder at life which is so much part of their attraction. I have to say that the girls I see on my infrequent visits to a city break my heart. I saw a poor girl in a tobacconists in London a few weeks ago with her hair died pink and so much make up that I thought she had two black eyes. Such a shame to have such poor taste. I can’t think how any decent young professional man would look twice at her. I longed to take her home and give her a good bath and dress her in a nice frock instead of the skimpy vest like top she was wearing. She would have been so grateful, but alas I cannot risk such a creature’s effect on my girls. Her accent was deplorable and goodness knows how badly her mind had been contaminated by unsuitable ideas. It would have been too great a risk and my own precious girls’ welfare comes before anything else in my life.

I have managed to avoid such disasters with my own girls by taking a great deal of care. Firstly, I ensured that they all love me and their father so much that they would not do anything which might give us pain. To see Mother ill with a bilious attack will soon produce repentance for any wayward ideas.

Secondly, they have been to an all girl’s boarding school where they will not be contaminated by common ideas. Only girls from nice families will be encountered and the staff will be vigilant to deal with anything out of order, like make up or unsuitable conversations. As all the girls wear the same uniform, they concentrate on being clean and neat and not on vain concern with their hairstyle or impressing anyone with their appearance.

The last and probably most important thing I have done is to ensure that my home is a haven to them. They love to come home for holidays or the occasional weekend and look forward to the simple pleasures of home. My triplets still play with their two dolls houses even now and I encourage them to do so. I ensure that all reading matter is thoroughly vetted as I once saw a magazine left on a train which was positively encouraging quite small girls of 14 or 15 to wear make up.

I consider television to be a great threat to a young girl’s innocence and would not consider having such a dangerous item in the house. My girls are so pleased to come home and wear the pretty familiar dresses, relaxing in being little girls again instead of busy prefects that they have no time to want such a time wasting piece of frippery.

One thing you may not have thought of is the content of newspapers. Even The Times has adverts which I would not like to explain to my children and articles about famine and war which would distress them. There is time to face such things when they are married and have a husband to reassure them. If your husband insists, as mine does, on having a newspaper ensure that it is placed in his study as soon as it arrives so that they do not encounter such an unpleasant item.

Of course, you will not want your daughters to be shy with boys. When the right time comes, they will need to be able to carry on a sensible conversation with the young men who come to ask for their hands in marriage. This is where it is useful to intersperse your girls with boys so that they understand the male mind set which is so different from the female.

Of course, one looks forward to their weddings which offer such a marvellous spectacle with the bride in her snowy white dress, wearing your own veil, which you have carefully preserved for your children and with a wreath of innocent flowers and a lovely bouquet from the garden. With their smaller sisters and brothers as bridesmaids and pages, you will be so proud as they walk up the aisle on your husband’s arm to be handed into the care of the successful young man you have nurtured to become your son in law. (more about achieving this in a later chapter).

I digressed there for you do not wish that day to come soon. I am sure you will want to make every effort to keep your precious little girls for as long as you can. The advice outlined above will ensure that you do.

 

#356:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 9:46 pm

Purposeful bilious attacks, the sacrifices a mother has to make! Laughing ROFL

 

#357:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:12 pm

But it obviously worked!
Thanks Pat, I can't wait to see how Joey goes about tackling her S I Ls(s) Are we talking Reg here by any chance?

 

#358:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:33 pm

*puts head into hands and moans weakly* more pleeeeeease? pretty please?

 

#359:  Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:19 pm

Do I understand that the carefully "interspersed" boys are all to be provided by mother as part of same long family? Laughing (Only mixing with sisters during vacation periods less travel days, of course.)

 

#360:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:28 pm

Kathy_S wrote:
Do I understand that the carefully "interspersed" boys are all to be provided by mother as part of same long family? Laughing (Only mixing with sisters during vacation periods less travel days, of course.)


Well, that's how she put it. I'm sure she's proud of them, though!

 

#361:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:39 pm

What can I say? Pure Joey - horrifyingly close to RL.

Dying to see others' reactions - please show the Staff reaction especially! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

 

#362:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 12:09 am

* thinks staff's reaction will be hillarious!*
and Jo will wonder why everyone reacts like they are going to!

 

#363:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 12:27 am

I can't wait to buy a copy of this book!

 

#364:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 4:02 am

*must admit that I agree with not letting small kids read the newspaper. But not for Joey's reasons.
I read the newspaper (well mainly the stories with pictures) and watched the news from the time I could read and I was traumatised. I remember watching Reagen give an address to the nation about Afgahnistan and I thought that the Russian soldiers were going be coming into my backyard at any momment (he was trying to convince the US that they needed to send money/weapons/soldiers to Afghanistan since the Russians there were a threat to the US). I had no idea where Afghanistan was, so I thought they go through Afghanistan and into North America.

Anyway - more story please!

 

#365:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 8:16 am

In "Lavender", Nell says that the older girls have access to radios and the news. I wonder if Jo is aware of this...

 

#366:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 8:49 am

That, you will have to wait and see. Twisted Evil

 

#367:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 8:58 am

*lol* Oh, I will! With great eagerness!

 

#368:  Author: Kirsty, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:11 pm

PatMac, I've just read the whole thing from start to finish - and may I say it's a good thing that I'm home by myself at the moment! Laughing I think I've laughed myself into a headache...

The advice is hysterical, and the calm assumptions Joey makes about her Readers' lives... Laughing

I'm dying (like others!) to find out everyone's reactions to the book.

 

#369:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 4:00 pm

If I'm very good, PatMac, will you let me write one of the reviews?

 

#370:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 4:13 pm

Pat this is hilarious! I'm supposed to be cataloguing books, but I couldn't stop reading! More more more!

 

#371:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 6:44 pm

Thank you Pat. I can't wait for the son-in-law chapter Very Happy

 

#372:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 7:46 pm

*seconds Ally's longing* That will be a great chapter!

 

#373:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 10:13 pm

More soon please Auntie PatMac!!!

 

#374:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:01 pm

Here we go!

Interlude

Con suddenly realise that it would be Easter in two weeks time. “My, how time flies” she thought in a sudden panic. “I must call Len. I wonder if she’ll do Easter for me if I sacrifice Christmas!” Climbing out of the pool, she donned her towelling robe and walked back into her hotel suite.

Sitting on the edge of her super king size bed, she took a sip of her wine and picked up her mobile phone. From her directory, she chose Len and settled back while the number rang.

“Hi, Len. It’s Con. Yes, I’m still in the States. Yes, the book signing is going really well. Amazing how I seemed to hit the market with this series. I’m down at Ocean Pointe for the weekend. Yes, that’s down at Key Largo. That’s right, that’s where we met those two gorgeous guys last year. No, I didn’t keep in touch with Hank. He was alright for a weekend but not really up to a long term thing.

Listen, Len. Easter is coming up and the aged P’s will be expecting at least one of us. I just can’t get back in time, I’ve still got to do Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. Could you get over to the Platz instead.

Yes, I know it’s my turn but I’ll do Christmas again if you like. I know it’s a lot to ask but you know what they are like! Mum will have one of her bilious attacks if one of us doesn’t turn up and then we’ll have Dad doing the ‘more in sorrow than in anger’ bit. Do be a dear! Think how pleased you’ll be at Christmas.

Reg? Email him and warn him you’re coming. If he can wangle the weekend off, I’ll pay for him to go to Monte Carlo. It’s the least I can do. He’s always up for that and I’m sure if he knows, he’ll co-operate. After all he’d do anything to get out of Mum’s reproachful eye and she’d be sure to invite him to tea. Why can’t she face facts?

Oh, you are an angel! Thanks. Tell you what, why not fly out to Vegas the week after Easter. I’ll be finished then and we can have a week at the Luxor. I’m sure you’ll be ready for it after a weekend of no make up and playing with that dratted dolls house! If it gets desperate you can always go over to the school. Matey’s sure to be there and she’s always got some single malt! Ok, it’s a date. I’ll get my agent to book it and email you the details. Oh, yes, I’m sure we’ll have a good time.

You are remembering to send those letters I left with you, aren’t you. Thanks, I’d hate them to start a panic and look for me at the uni. I don’t think they could cope with knowing I’m not there, let alone writing rather racy romances under the name of Joelle Dubois, not that they’d believe it anyway!

Have you heard from Margot? I wish she would take her turn, but in the circumstances, I suppose it’s better she doesn’t.

Have to go now. I’m off to get my hair done before the dinner dance tonight. Love you! Byee.”

 

#375:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:05 pm

ABSOLUTLY MARVELLOUS!!!

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing
Laughing

 

#376:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:08 pm

Oh wonderful!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing

The Trips have totally embraced modern life and with a vengeance.

Love the references to Reg - and Joey being the only one that wanted the Reg/Len thing to work, intrigued as to why Margot visiting wouldn't be a good idea, love that Matey has a stash of single malt!!!

More and more please.

 

#377:  Author: Lulie, Location: Middlesbrough PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:09 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

So Len and Con have not turned out as Joey fondly imagines? Presumably Margot as well (circumstances? What circumtsances Question Question ) I wonder if the other Maynards + wards + hangers-on have conformed?

more more more, pretty please?

 

#378:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:30 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Classic! Love the idea of Len and Con taking it in turns to go home for the holidays and sending Reg of gambling to get him out of it Very Happy

 

#379:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:40 pm

I love the idea Reg gambles. Surely not a good Catholic thing to do. And I'm intrigued about Margot.

Actually, that mention of Catholicism has raised a question. Was Reg Catholic, or would he have converted to marry Len?

 

#380:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 12:21 am

I'm guessing that if Joey thinks that Margot is a nun and if Margot is not a nun than Margot showing up at the house could present a problem.

*loved the conversation between Len and Con (or rather the conversation between Con and a wall of silence)!

May we please have some more?

 

#381:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 12:23 am

*howls with laughter*

 

#382:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 1:21 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL
I love it! Con's a famous author but of racy novels, I was wondering how on earth they coped with playing with the dolls house etc. Now if Margot isn't a nun what is she doing (looking forward to the SiL chapter after the Reg revelation)

 

#383:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 1:27 am

*desparetly trying to supress hysterics*

This just gets better and better. I love seeing the girls like this. And I'm also intrigued about Margot...

 

#384:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 1:39 am

So, Con is meant to be at Uni, but is actually a best selling novelist, Len, presumably is at uni since she's posting letters on Con's behalf, and Margot? Please what is Margot doing? What are the circumstances that make it better for her not to home?
*Cahnts vociferously*

 

#385:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 2:07 am

*joins the chant*

 

#386:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 3:07 am

Pat this is just brilliant. Joins the chant

 

#387:  Author: Tassie_Ellen, Location: Tasmania, Australia PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 8:07 am

PatMac, just caught up with the last 5 chapters - brilliant!

Ellen *off to find a cloth to wipe tea-splatters off the computer screen*

this thread should have a hysteria warning attached - MORE PLEASE!!!

 

#388:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 8:38 am

thanks for the appreciation, everyone.

I subconsciously picked up pim's drabble where Joey tells Kathy and Biddy that she is writing a book on childcare, which makes Cecil 10.

According to a list I picked up from somewhere (FCS site?, that makes the trips around 25! Trips born 1939 and Cecil 1952.

But, of course that would be around 1962 and this is actually set more like today - mobile phones, flying to the US for a week, modern ideas on bringing up children etc. - so the dates are a bit muddled. Especially as today the trips would be around 65 yrs old.

I always know how old the trips are as they are less than a year older than me! Shocked

Blame EBD, not me!

 

#389:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 9:07 am

That Interlude was wonderful, Pat! I love it! Good for the trips, having their own lives!

 

#390:  Author: Rachael,  PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 10:12 am

*playing catch up and now shrieking for more!*

Quote:
Secondly, they have been to an all girl’s boarding school where they will not be contaminated by common ideas. Only girls from nice families will be encountered and the staff will be vigilant to deal with anything out of order, like make up or unsuitable conversations. As all the girls wear the same uniform, they concentrate on being clean and neat and not on vain concern with their hairstyle or impressing anyone with their appearance.

Ha! ha! Love Jo's naivete!

Can definitely recommend the Luxor to Con and Len - that's where we stayed when we were in Vegas last year!! Rolling Eyes
(hastens to add that Vegas is fun for a night or two but only in a pure tat, glitzy kind of way!)

*quite convinces that Margot has turned atheist*

 

#391:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 4:59 pm

Loved the interlude, PatMac, may we have some more, please?

 

#392:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 5:09 pm

Thanks for the interlude Pat. I think Con and Len have turned out well, all things considering!!!

Wonder whats up with Margot?

 

#393:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 5:37 pm

Loved the way Con has turned out! Will Joey find out what her children have become like?

 

#394:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 6:37 pm

*chants very loudly*

 

#395:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 7:36 pm

*joins in chant*

 

#396:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 8:29 pm

*chanting as we speak, interspersed with whistling and foot stamping and hand clapping*

 

#397:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 8:38 pm

I'm convinced Margot is heavily pregnant with a baby to be born out of wedlock - which would come as a huge shock if Jo thinks shes a nun (although a nun's habit may work well as a maternity dress)

 

#398:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 8:39 pm

*lol* Great idea, Claire!

 

#399:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 12:15 am

This is great. Please can we have more???????????

 

#400:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 1:44 am

echoes the general idea for mooooooooooooorrrrrrre
please ! Smile

 

#401:  Author: Senji, Location: Cambridge, UK PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 3:39 am

claire - it wouldn't be entirely unknown for one entering an order to discover that they were pregnant during their novitiate. This might be scandalous, and the novice in question would have to defend their vocation in order, but at most points in history they would still be able to eventually become a nun.

The child would probably be fostered out to a local family, or dealt with as other children that the order recieved (some convents/nunneries might run orphanages, for instance).

 

#402:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 9:59 am

The poor mother!

 

#403:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 2:06 pm

She'd have to choose between her vocation and her child. That wouldn't be easy.

 

#404:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 2:18 pm

I don't think it would be presented a choice, more along the lines of did you have a vocation in the first place, or were you trying to escape from something (ie the pregnancy, the consequences or the man).

Still a tough position for the girl.

 

#405:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 2:50 pm

desperately hoping that PatMac will post some more very soon.

 

#406:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 6:32 pm

Yes please, I would love some more

 

#407:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 7:19 pm

And so would I. Very Happy

 

#408:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 8:14 pm

Me, too, please!

 

#409:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 9:17 pm

Apologies, everyone! We awarded ourselves a half day's holiday and abandoned marking (A), reports (P), housework (A&P), drabble writing (P), preparation of lecture (A), answering the phone (A&P but usually by the wrong person!).

We went up in the dales with M and walked around Dent in the Yorkshire Dales National Park, wound up with coffee and scones in a lovely little teashop and got home around 18.00. It was a beautiful clear, crisp day. We saw our first lambs of 2004.

Having indulged in some rather nice (Australian) red wine (don't tell our daughter in law who is lab director for a Californian winery Rolling Eyes ), some hummus with Kalamata olives, Feta Cheese & breadsticks (Mac substituted a pig's ear for above) and about to have salmon with a coriander & lime sauce, new potatoes (Nicola, for the discerning), grilled tomatoes and petit pois, no doubt lubricated with more red wine (again don't tell our daughter in law Rolling Eyes ), I will be in no fit state to post drabble!

More, tomorrow, promise Shocked

Note:
A = Alan = DB = dearly beloved
P = Pat = me
M = Mac = dog

PS. We all feel better for the break Laughing and ready to face the week ahead.

 

#410:  Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 9:37 pm

Pat, this is just wonderful! I have been following it (catching up on several days at once) but sorry, I haven't left any comments so far. It is fantastically written, and so funny! There is little that makes me laugh out loud when I'm reading, but this has! (I keep having to explain to husband why I'm laughing but he just doesn't get it, poor thing!)

 

#411:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 9:46 pm

Well, it sounds like you had a fabulous day, Pat! Good for you!

 

#412:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 10:42 pm

That sounds wonderful Pat! I take it that Mac didn't have the wine either?!! Laughing

 

#413:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 10:54 pm

Glad you had a nice day Pat, looking forward to more drabble tomorrow!

 

#414:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 11:13 pm

Seems like you had a wonderful day Pat. Any feta cheese and breadsticks left over for me?

 

#415:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 11:37 pm

Glad you had a good day Pat! Looking forward to more story tomorrow.....

 

#416:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 11:55 pm

Glad you had a good day Pat, enjoy the vino! Very Happy

 

#417:  Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 12:03 am

That description of your day is as enjoyable to read as your drabble, Pat - so glad you've had a nice time!

 

#418:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 12:30 am

Glad you enjoyed your day Pat. That certainly beats shoppiny, washing, visit from sister Exclamation

 

#419:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 3:27 pm

Glad you had a lovely day.

 

#420:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 5:54 pm

*Weak with laughter*

Please post some more soon Pat - this is really cheering me up Smile

 

#421:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 6:02 pm

*hopes Pat will be posting soon*

 

#422:  Author: Laura, Location: London (ish) PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 6:48 pm

Have just read the entire drabble - MORE PLEASE!! Am intrieged by Margot's wherebouts and loving Con's!

 

#423:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 8:08 pm

*chanting loudly*

 

#424:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 8:22 pm

*joins Vikki chanting loudly*

 

#425:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 10:04 pm

*gets the ear plugs ready*

 

#426:  Author: Kathye, Location: Laleham PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:02 am

joins in chant, but suspects we shall have to wait till Monday for any more now ?

 

#427:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:15 am

Better late than never!

Chapter 13 Moral Values

One of the most important tasks a mother has in bringing up her children is to instil a strong sense of moral values in them.

From an early age, the values of truthfulness, fair play and loyalty to God, Queen and country are to be rigidly enforced.

Truthfulness is easy to insist upon. You can sense when your children are attempting to deceive you while small, provided you let them know that you can see through their little deceptions and that it causes you pain, you can trust that your older children will not dream of deceiving you. I give you the example of my triplets.

Len, the eldest, had a sense of responsibility which I encouraged from the earliest days and by ensuring that she always felt the responsibility for her sisters, I had a willing companion in my training. As a result of which she is now a complete rock on which I depend for news of Con, the second triplet who has always been creative and is now so busy studying for her PhD in literature, that she rarely has time to come home, though, of course, she writes a short letter each week. It is upon Len that I rely for news of her well being and she would always tell me if she felt that Con was straying from the ideals which I have insisted upon.

Margot, while being a joy through her creative naughtiness, was always taught that to own up to her little tricks would bring approval and she grew up to reject her ‘devil’ which was the excuse I allowed her for her amusing capers. She decided to renounce her ‘devil’ completely and enter an enclosed order of nuns and since entering her convent, has, I know, been a strength to her sisters through her prayers. It is sad, as a mother, to have to accept that we can have no contact with her, but I rejoice that she has chosen to reject her wayward ways which, while amusing in a small child are not really appropriate for an adult.

Fair play was a tenet of the training at the school which all my daughters attended and none of them would consider cheating in any way. They understand that not all children are brought up with such care and that they should give understanding and guidance to their less fortunate friends.

Loyalty to God is easiest to instil at a young age and my children could recite their catechism before they could read. Regular family prayers and an opportunity to confess to mother in a little quiet time before bed, was sufficient to install a real commitment to the church and they have continued with their faith in adulthood.

I do think that modern attitudes to the Queen and her family are deplorable. I cannot understand why some people would question and criticise the Royal Family. Even the BBC does not seem above such behaviour and it is quite unbecoming. The Queen is a model mother and Prince Philip has supported her in every way. It is a pity that there are so few Royal families in Europe nowadays with eligible princes and princesses to allow the royal children to marry within their station. It was not so in my young day and my very good friend Elisaveta of Belsornia accepted the recommendations of her father and married her cousin who was Crown Prince of a neighbouring kingdom.

As far as moral values in the sense of relations with men are concerned, I do not believe in putting ideas into young minds. It is time enough for such things to be dealt with when the wedding is upon us.

Margot is, of course spared such knowledge, but Len has a long standing engagement with a promising young doctor who works for my husband. He appears quite happy to wait till she has finished her studies to get married and I can understand her wish to make the most of her education, though I cannot help thinking that it will be of little use in her future life as a wife and mother. I am glad he is so patient. When they finally set the date, I will have a little chat with her and also ask my husband to have a similar chat with her fiancé.

Con is young for her age and will no doubt choose one of the young doctors from the local San, where my husband is director, when she matures enough to do so. She will return to live at home and possibly teach at her old school when she has finished her studies and so will have the opportunity to meet suitable young men. I am cultivating two of them now and making them feel at home in our house to make things easier for her and to give her a choice.

As far as boys are concerned, the matter is simpler. Provided they are brought up with a strong sense of discipline and respect for their sisters, they will carry this forward into their adult lives. The main concern is a sense of responsibility in making successful careers so they can support their wives and children.

 

#428:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:17 am

*wonders what the trips friends will make of it*

*laughs head off*

 

#429:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:21 am

ow ow ow. does Joey walk around with her eyes closed and ear muffs on?

Poor triplets, being named in such a publication. Embarassed

talk about name-dropping 'my very good friend Elisaveta...'

 

#430:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:39 am

*wonders how many unrecongnised grandchildren her sons have provided, given that they were never told anything.

 

#431:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:40 am

Really, really, really wanting to read the reactions of Jo's family and the School mistresses to this!!!!!!!


Please PatMac Heart Kiss typing

 

#432:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:47 am

Absolutely YOWLS with laughter, oh I so want to see the trips reading this, and I so want Joey to find out what Len and Con are up to, and of course, we all want to know about Margot,
more soon please Pat.

 

#433:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:55 am

Oh dear... she really doesn't know the trips at all does she and I'm with Chelsea on wondering about grandchildren through her sons.

*giggles wildly*

 

#434:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 1:06 am

I can't wait for the backlash when this book is published.

 

#435:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 1:23 am

Oh this is just so funny. Agree with the others about the triplet's reactions.

 

#436:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 2:08 am

*falling off chair giggling like an I don't know what and politely wondering when we are going to get some MORE*? *smiles angelically* Very Happy

 

#437:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:10 am

That's magnificent! I do hope Jo discovers the truth about them all in one foul swoop!

 

#438:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:38 pm

Foul swoop or fell swoop?!!! Yes please! I'd love the trips to enlighten her and see her reaction!!

 

#439:  Author: Senji, Location: Cambridge, UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:43 pm

Sounds like a foul swoop to me! snake

 

#440:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:45 pm

Of course she can't hear anything, think of those plaited earphones!

Longing to know what the REAL situation is with ALL her children.

 

#441:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 2:25 pm

Also giggling at the name dropping and the assumptions placed on poor Con!

Thank you Pat Very Happy

 

#442:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 2:47 pm

*giggles madly* I've just caught up on a few chapters of this - how lovely that Len and Con are conspiring to decieve their parents. I wonder what the boys do about it?

*echoing the queries about Margot*

 

#443:  Author: Senji, Location: Cambridge, UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 2:56 pm

Wouldn't you keep Joey in the dark if she was your mother? Smile

 

#444:  Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 3:22 pm

Have had to go to doctors to have splitting sides stitched up! Laughing
The bit that gets me most is the 'little confession time' the girls have to have with their mother before going to bed! How agonising!

 

#445:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 4:43 pm

Chants at PatMac for more!!!!!

 

#446:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 5:25 pm

This has to be one of the funniest drabbles I have ever read!

Please more soon!

 

#447:  Author: Kathye, Location: Laleham PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 5:58 pm

Oh PatMac please post some more, can't wait to see what Margot is really up to !

 

#448:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 6:04 pm

Can we have some more please? I can't wait to see what Joey says next!

 

#449:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:21 pm

*joins in chant*

 

#450:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:22 pm

*increases volume of chant*

 

#451:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:24 pm

megaphone *Increases volume yet again*

 

#452:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:35 pm

Interlude

“Hi, Con” Len sat on her single bed in her bedroom at Freudesheim, dressed in a simple velveteen dress with her hair pinned up into a bun. She had waited till her mother had gone to see Biddy to give her advice about the problems with her youngest child’s temper to get her mobile phone from the locked suitcase she had placed under her bed.

“I can’t wait for next week! I think it gets worse each time I come here. No, she has no idea that you are not in London! Reg got away OK and I’m sure he’s having a good time. I wish Mum would just shut up about him. I suppose sooner or later it will come to a head but I can’t face the shindig it will cause.

What is so awful? Well, to start with I wore tights! I completely forgot about her hatred of them. She gave me the usual lecture about how unhygienic they are and insisted in lending me stockings and a suspender belt. It’s all pinned together to stop it falling off me as I’m a lot slimmer than she is and it’s so uncomfortable, I feel as if I’m being cut in half.

She keeps serving me coffee with positive featherbeds of cream and won’t listen when I say I prefer it black. She’s trying to feed me up, says I’m too thin.

Dad’s never here of course. He still supposedly works all hours but I sometimes wonder if he is just glad to be away from home.

Claire is really going to be a problem to Mum. She’s already seeing through the charade at only 10 – that’s much younger than we were. I’ve tried to get her to see it’s not worth the hassle as Mum will only go sick on her and make her feel guilty but I think she’s past that stage now and really ready to kick up the traces.

Hey, guess what! She’s writing a book on bringing up children. No! it’s not a joke, it’s for real! No, she won’t let me see any of it. She says I have to wait and she’ll give us all a signed copy when it’s finished. It’s those stupid publishers of hers. Do you remember when we went with her to see them? Yes, up that grotty little alley and it smelt of cigars and damp. They asked her to do it. Oh, it will be so embarrassing!

Have to go now. I’m going to spend a little while with Anna and bring her up to date on our doings. Yes, I’ll give her your love. By the way she says thanks for the Gin. It’s still her favourite tipple.

Byee.”

 

#453:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:37 pm

Another classic post. Very Happy So Joey has driven Anna to drink.

 

#454:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:38 pm

*laughs head off*

*is surprised that Len doesn't know how to pick the lock to her mother's study to pinch the manuscript*

 

#455:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:40 pm

ROFL Love the insights into the reality of Maynard life, PatMac.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

 

#456:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:53 pm

Fantastic! Poor Len, how awful for her to be stuck there! Not even the week in America will probably make up for it!

 

#457:  Author: Nicci, Location: UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:54 pm

its all frighteningly realistic (apart from Jo, obviously!). Really wish jo would open her eyes to the world around her.
love the comment about the gin. and claire, and everything!
have I missed a post or are we still waiting for news on Margot?

By the way, is it me, or is the entire board on C&D at the moment?!

 

#458:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:00 pm

Nicci wrote:
By the way, is it me, or is the entire board on C&D at the moment?!


I think so, yes! Shocked

 

#459:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:01 pm

This is great, and true to life in some ways as well - can any of you say you have never kept at least one thing from your parents - sometimes they need protection too.
Would like to see how the boys react too

 

#460:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:03 pm

Thanks Pat, it's all still progressing marvelously - I'm certainly not surprisred that Anna needs her gin!
But of course, I'm still not satisfied - I still want more.

 

#461:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:26 pm

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

We want more!

There you go - a real chant!

 

#462:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:30 pm

*staggers under the weight of Rachel's chant*

 

#463:  Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:31 pm

I thought I should make my feelings clear.

 

#464:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:35 pm

*faintly* I think you succeeded.

 

#465:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 10:12 pm

Nope you weren't loud enough rachel she hasn't posted more yet

*whats the betting Pat'll hit the submit button before me now?*

 

#466:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 10:28 pm

That was great Pat, love these interludes.

 

#467:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 10:35 pm

Oh poor Len! Loved the bit about Anna and gin, like the fact that Len thinks the publishers were grotty and sleazey!

 

#468:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:26 pm

Ok, I heard you!

This is not going where I expected at the moment!

Len looked at her father. He seemed to have more grey in his hair and looked worn and sad. Looking across at her mother, she suddenly realised that the long black hair, still worn in it’s earphones ought to be showing a hint of grey, too. She wondered and then chided herself for thinking such things of her old fashioned mother. Surely not!

The day had dawned bright and sunny and Len was thankful for small mercies. If she could just get out for half an hour, she could cope with the rest of the day. If only her mother didn’t want to come too.

Breakfast over, Jo rang for Anna to clear away. Jo declared that she was going to spend the morning writing her book on childcare, and Len thought her father’s face lightened. On the spur of the moment, she casually said. “Want to come for a walk, Dad? You look as if you could do with some fresh air.”

Jo’s face took on a hurt look. “Well, it’s all very well for you, Jack but I will just have to work. I’m getting behind on this book with all the housekeeping I have to do, not to mention that Cecil needs a lot of attention at the moment! And don’t call your father ‘Dad’. It’s common and if you won’t say Papa any more, you should call him Father.”

For a moment, Len thought Jack would refuse, but at the final part of Jo’s petulant statement, he squared his shoulders and, addressing Len rather than his wife, he said “That sounds good, Len!”

Leaving the house, they walked up the road a little way and turned up a track through the trees, walking in companionable silence. Wandering up through the dappled shade, they both relaxed and, on reaching a clearing where the sun shone warmly, they sat on a fallen log. Jack pulled a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket. Almost without thinking, Len accepted one and then did a double take. “But, but …. How did you know I smoke?”

Jack had a twinkle in his eye. “I’m not as blind as your mother,” he laughed. “She only sees what she wants to see!”

Len was so taken aback, that she blurted out “and what else do you see?”

Jack’s face sobered. “Well,” he said hesitantly, “I see a confident young woman who is kind enough not to spoil her mother’s illusions. I see an interminable engagement where the engaged couple manage to never be on the Platz at the same time. I see you arriving in clothes that could not be bought on a student’s money.” He paused. “And I see a darling daughter who comes home and puts up with her mother’s prejudices. What I don’t understand is why you come at all.”

Len’s eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Dad! I’d never set foot in this place again if it wasn’t to see you!. Neither Con nor I want to lose contact with you and it’s the only way we can see you.”

 

#469:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:29 pm

You made me all teary, that's not supposed to happen in this drabble *sniffs*
I was giggling away at Anna and her gin and then you had to go and make Jack be an absolute darling and Len be lovely and... Crying or Very sad Maybe Jack could steal the manuscipt and run away and live on the profits (it's bound to be a great comic hit!)

 

#470:  Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:35 pm

oh! oh no, poor jack, being human and vulnerable and having to live with that dreadful joey! *eyes filling with tears*

 

#471:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:40 pm

That was beautiful, a human touch, thank you.

 

#472:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:50 pm

That didn't go whereI expected either, but that was a wonderful turning. Poor Jack, but at least his daughters still care for him.
I suppose, and I never expected to say this in this drabble, I feel a bit sorry for Joey too, she's living inside this bubble she has created for herself, not realising how she is alienating those around her, and missing out on living life to the full.

 

#473:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:51 pm

*wanting to give Jack a big huggle*

 

#474:  Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right! PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 12:31 am

Awww that God Jack's not stuck in a time warp!

 

#475:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 3:29 am

Awwwwww!!! Poor Jack!!!
*still wondering about Margot......*

 

#476:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 1:31 pm

Aggree totally with Vikki's post!

*more please*

 

#477:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 1:50 pm

Jack is very perceptive isn't he. I'm wondering a bit about this bubble Joey has created. Jack and the triplets seem to be very up-to-date, so couldn't they have tried modernising Joey before the bubble became too hard to prick. Is it possible to suggest they bear some responsibility for allowing Joey to become so insulated?

 

#478:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 2:21 pm

That last bit was lovely! How does Len get the money for her clothes though, I thought she was in Oxford and that it was only Con who'd left? When do we find out about Margot?

 

#479:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 2:41 pm

Jo is always portrayed as someone who is confident that they are right in what they think. This would be hard to dent, let alone change!

 

#480:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 2:58 pm

Aww sweet father/daughter relationship there. More please

(am now wondering if Jo dyes her hair or if the black earphones are just clip on the sides)

 

#481:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 6:21 pm

PatMac that last post was beautiful - thank you. Laughing Crying or Very sad

 

#482:  Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 6:37 pm

Very touching scene between Len and Jack! Unexpected in this kind of drabble - well done, it's very clever to make us laugh and cry!!!

 

#483:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 7:15 pm

Thanks, I didn't plan that! Now I understand what you all mean when you say the characters take over.

Same morning

Jo carefully filled her fountain pen and settled at her pretty desk with it’s little posy of flowers and her eyes fell on the framed picture of her triplets when they were about three. They looked so pretty in their little smocked dresses. They were so biddable at that age!

And now, Len didn’t seem in any hurry to set the date for her wedding. She was being contaminated with modern ideas! Fancy wearing tights – so unhygienic. Jo hoped that Reg would not get tired of waiting. He was such a nice young man and, despite his humble origins (Jo sighed over that) he was doing well at the San and, as none of their boys (though Jo still had hopes of Geoff) had shown any interest in the medical profession, as son-in-law, he would be ideal to succeed Jack in due course.

Con, well, she was a worry at present. She showed no interest in any of the young doctors invited for English tea at Freudesheim on her rare visits. Jo felt that Con intimidated them with her learning. Fancy studying for a PhD. What help would that be in running a house and bringing up her children. Still, she came home on occasion and enjoyed being with her beloved mother and having long cosy chats about the school. The course would finish eventually, though it did seem to be going on for rather a long while. Then she would come home and settle down.

Margot, Jo’s eyes misted with pride at the sacrifice her ‘naughty’ triplet had made. Giving up her medical training to join an enclosed order. Sacrificing the opportunity to have a home and children. Jo wished she had been able to be at the ceremony when Margot took her vows but there it was. Margot had written to say that the order did not allow family present.

Jo, sighed and picked up her pen again. At least they had all turned out well and there had been no nonsense about casual boyfriends or make up. She had quizzed them about that on each visit. She just wished that Len and Con would come home and settle and provide her with grandchildren. She felt she had so much to offer them when they had their own children and the idea of another generation at the Chalet School was just what the school needed when Cecil and Phil finished.

“Now, where was I” she muttered, “I know. It is the chapter on adoptees, next.”

Her mind drifted a little “How odd, Len wanting Jack to go for a walk with her. Kind of her, I suppose, but if she had waited till this afternoon, I could have gone as well.”

 

#484:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 7:20 pm

Brilliant.

I'm starting to feel sorry for Joey, more to be pitied than laughed at.

 

#485:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 7:21 pm

totally ROFL, fantastic Pat. Jo is sooooooooooooooooo dim!!!!! How can she not notice????!!!! Can't wait for the chapter on adoptees Very Happy

 

#486:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 7:50 pm

She really is living in a completely different world to everyone around her isn't she. I wonder if Claire regrets being adopted by Jo?

 

#487:  Author: Senji, Location: Cambridge, UK PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 8:13 pm

Smile Smile

I think I agree with Angel though, that Jo is to be pitied here...

Keep up the good work!

 

#488:  Author: Rebecca, Location: Kendal/Oxford PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 8:44 pm

*Waiting impatiently for the chapter on adoptees*

This is great!

 

#489:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:06 pm

Thank you Pat, I like the way this is developing, looking firward to more

 

#490:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:50 pm

I love the way the comic is linked with the pathos and almost sadness about Joey.

Am becomming more and more interested in the way this is turning out.

 

#491:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:50 pm

there is no way Margot became a nun is there - love the way the kids are humoring her though

 

#492:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 10:59 pm

Love Joey being completely naive as far as the triplets are concerned! Can't wait to see how her chapter on waifs and streys turns out!

 

#493:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:11 pm

I'm sure it will be as full of good advice as the other chapters were!

 

#494:  Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:22 pm

Thanks Pat - I am really enjoying this!

 

#495:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:46 pm

Very worrying - I'm also starting to pity Jo - and her family obviously love her as they are prepared to go to such lengths to humour her!

 

#496:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:57 pm

Thats a good point Lesley.

 

#497:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 12:09 am

This getting too close to home.

You know my mother, I swear you do. You've described her to a 't', if you ignore the discrepancy in family size.

 

#498:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 12:30 am

Angel, so far as I know, I don't know your mother but there is a little of someone I do know. When we get mad at her we always moan (out of her hearing) and end with "but she means well, bless her heart" - and then bang our heads against a wall because she is so infuriating!

She once lectured a waiter in a diner on Times Square (very loudly) about the appalling waste of food because the portions were too big! That was seriously embarrassing. Shocked

 

#499:  Author: Angel, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 12:35 am

Yes, that's what mother does.

Among other things

In the most patronising, irritating and impossible manner. But she's kind, and generous, and gentle, and for general purposes she's good. She just doesn't see that her casual comments can be incredibly cruel, and the insights she offers need sugar, not hammers.

 

#500:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 1:18 am

I've never heard of anyone complain to the waiter because the portion sizes were too big before. Confused

 

#501:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:17 am

I'm not sure I pity Joey just yet, perhaps her family should have tried harder to update her (trade her in for the new model maybe...) but can you imagine trying to MAKE this Joey do anything?

 

#502:  Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough....... PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 4:29 am

Love that last post PatMac!! but we're still waiting to hear about Margot......

 

#503:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:17 am

Wonderful interlude, PatMac! Poor Jo, one day she is going to wake up to the truth...

 

#504:  Author: Kathye, Location: Laleham PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:18 am

starts chant to hear Margot's story
Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

Margot

PLEASE Very Happy

 

#505:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:25 am

*joins in chant*

 

#506:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:00 pm

*adds to chant*

 

#507:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:02 pm

*increases volume of CHANT*

 

#508:  Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:02 pm

Adds music to chant
Guitar Trumpet drummer

 

#509:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 4:25 pm

You're not stuck are you Pat?

 

#510:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 6:35 pm

I hope not. *joins chant*

 

#511:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 6:38 pm

Not stuck, just can't really do this at work! Plot bunnies are not that popular! Will do Margot tonight ahead of waifs and strays.

Remember patience is a virtue (can imagine Jo saying that)

 

#512:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 7:03 pm

Thats what I like to hear Pat. Very Happy

 

#513:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 7:41 pm

First part of Margot

*dons bulletproof armour and hides behind blast wall*

Margot tossed her long reddish gold curls back over her shoulder as she typed. Concentrating carefully, she finished the email, paused to reread what she had typed and then sat back flexing her shoulders.

“I’ll just have another coffee” she said, thinking aloud “and reread that again. This is the big one!”

With a satisfied smile on her face, she walked across to the filter machine and poured a cup of strong black coffee. Strolling across to the window, she gazed unseeingly at the immaculate garden. Suddenly, she giggled at her own thoughts. “this is much more fun than being a doctor or a nun! I always wanted adventure.” she murmured.

Her private mobile rang. This was the one to which only Len and Con had the numbers and which was routed through so many carriers, it was virtually undetectable so she hurried to her desk to pull it out of the locked drawer. Carefully, she checked the number of the calling phone and, satisfied it was Con, answered with a cheery “Hi Con, where are you now?”

“Los Angeles? Ugh! Sticky and muggy. How long are you there for?” End of the week?” She listened, smiling to her sister’s news and the plans for the following week. “Yes, I’m reasonably sure I can make it. I should be all finished up on the current project and I’ll be ready for some relaxation. It’s ages since we all met and I do miss you both. How’s Len?”

She sat back, sipping her coffee and listened. “I don’t know how you two can do it. No, I nearly had a breakdown over that vocation business. I was so impressionable at that age and she really had me thinking I was breaking her heart, and owed it to her to stay inside. It was only when she said “What will I tell other people?” that I realised it wasn’t my welfare she was concerned with but her own precious image of the family – you know, Len the responsible one, you the creative one and me with the ‘devil’ and needing redeeming! I should have stood my ground then but Dad was so worried when she collapsed, that I just couldn’t.

It took a year with a psychiatrist to come to terms with her disappointment and to realise that it was emotional blackmail and I just didn’t feel able to face her again. The thought of telling her I’m not a nun just makes me shake even now.

Anyway, I’ll have to go now as this is about as long as I can risk this phone. Book me in as well and I’ll call you later in the week. Bye Con, I do miss you both when were apart.”

Carefully locking the phone away again, Margot hit ‘send’.

 

#514:  Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 7:53 pm

Sounds like Margot is working undercover.

 

#515:  Author: pim, Location: the place where public transport doesn't work properly! PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 8:07 pm

Hmmm, what's Margot up to? *very intrigued*

 

#516:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 8:09 pm

I'm glad Margot was able to be shown Jo's emotional blackmail. I hope she's happy now.

 

#517:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 10:03 pm

I started to pitty Jo... then laughed at myself for being so stupid!

Hmm.. what is Margot up to??

 

#518:  Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 10:06 pm

*hopes Kat isn't unwell*

 

#519:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 10:08 pm

Thanks Pat - but what is Margot doing? Whatever it is, I'm glad she didn't allow herself to be blackmailed into spending her life in a convent.

 

#520:  Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 10:28 pm

Oh, the plot thickens! *pulse races faster with excitement*

 

#521:  Author: claire, Location: SOUTH WALES PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 10:28 pm

interesting with Margot, can't wait to find out more

 

#522:  Author: Laura, Location: London (ish) PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 10:32 pm

Ooooh! More please PatMac!

 

#523:  Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:49 pm

Curiouser and curiouser - so sad that Margot needed psychiatric treatment because of what Jo put her through - not feeling quite so sorry for Jo now!

 

#524:  Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:59 pm

I'm afraid there won't be any more tonight. I'm wading through lots of nasty numbers as we're having a peak of work with tight deadlines. Clients, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em Sad

 

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