The CBB :: View topic - Augusta and the Handcuffs

#1: Augusta and the Handcuffs Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 2:13 pm

First part of the Augusta Chronicles
http://members.lycos.co.uk/thecbb/allaugusta.htm

I'll post the first part of this again, so it's all together.

Augusta had settled down well at the Chalet School, and by this time most of its members were fairly well accustomed to her. The previous day she had come to the conclusion that her two best friends, Mollie and Kathie, were to be trusted with a secret, and correspondingly she produced a cardboard box in the privacy of a corner of the common room.

“What’s in there?” asked Mollie, who suffered from insatiable curiosity. Augusta’s lips curved mysteriously, and she opened one flap of the lid.

“What is it?” Mollie persisted, attempting to peer in under the other flap. Augusta opened it to display a large number of variously sized parcels wrapped in brown paper.

“It’s my box of Things,” she explained, removing a package and unwrapping it. Something small and hairy fell out and Mollie leapt back with a smothered squeak.

“Oh! What – oh!” she sat down again with an irrepressible giggle as Augusta picked it up and carefully affixed it to her upper lip.

“A – moustache,” said Kathie blankly. Augusta beamed at her and the moustache fell off. “What on earth have you got a moustache for, Gussie?” questioned Kathue as Augusta pressed that article back into place.

“For disguise, of course, silly,” Augusta spoke as though she were talking to an imbecile child. “It – well, it disguises you. So people don’t know you’re you,” she added helpfully. Kathie grinned and Mollie rolled her eyes violently at the ceiling. Augusta was slightly chagrined at this response to one of her most prized possessions, but in a spirit of Christian forgiveness she decided to proceed onto the next parcel. This clanked and rattled as she took it up.

“Ah!” she cried gleefully and tore the paper off to reveal a pair of handcuffs and a key. “Look, they work!” She advanced purposefully on Mollie, who emitted a slight shriek and expressed her lack of desire to participate in the experiment in forcible terms. Augusta turned to Kathie, but she too appeared to be unenthusiastic. Augusta looked hurt.

“Don’t you want to try them?”

“No thanks,” said Kathie.

“Well, I don’t see why.”

“Because we’ve seen what happens when you’re in a thing,” said Kathie, darkly.

“I’m not in them,” pointed out Augusta tartly.

“No that’s not what I meant – ”

“Then why did you say I was?”

“I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“I didn’t. Do you think I can’t hear what I say with my own ears?”

“Now you’re being silly,” said Augusta firmly. “You must know you don’t talk with your ears.”

“What – ?” spluttered Kathie. Mollie decided it was time to interfere.

“Yes, well, maybe you should put them on yourself, Gus,” she suggested. Augusta turned on her.

“How can I?”

“On your feet?” Augusta seized on the suggestion with alacrity.

“Jolly good idea,” she applauded, carefully clipping the handcuffs round her ankles. “The key’s only to unlock them,” she explained. “Look, they work, don’t they?”

“Yes,” ageed Kathie. “Pity we can’t keep you in them all the time.” Augusta threw the key at her and at the same moment the bell rang for lessons.

#2: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 2:23 pm

Here's the new bit...

Augusta crawled forward with some difficulty and scrabbled for the key.

“Where is it? What’ve you done with it, Kathie?”

“I haven’t. It wasn’t over my head. You can’t throw for toffee,” said Kathie calmly, watching her friend hunt for the key.

“Well, help me find it, can’t you?” demanded Augusta irritably. Kathie and Mollie also began to hunt for the key, but to no avail. The key was as well-concealed as Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction. By the time they had ascertained this fact the Common Room had almost emptied.

“We’d better go – we’ll be awfully late,” said Mollie anxiously.

“But I can’t walk!” Augusta wailed.

“Your fault,” pointed out Mollie. “Come on!” With an air of martyrdom, Augusta stumbled to her feet and made for the door. It was not an easy task. The handcuffsallowed her to move her feet about six inches, so that she had to take two or three steps for each of her friends’ and as she trotted along they jangled, Much to her chagrin, Kathie and Mollie seemed to find the sight – and sound – hilariously funny.

“Woo-oooo-oo-ooo!” moaned Mollie. “Beware the jangling ghost that haunts our passages!”

“It may walk like a penguin but its clammy fingers will cause you great anguish,” hissed Kathie spookily. Augusta scowled at them.

“Ha – very – ha,” she said, her voice oozing with sarcasm. Their progress was rather slow due to her impediment, but when they reached the Form room it was to find that Miss Wilson had not yet arrived.

Miss Wilson was just a random name I inserted cos I couldn't think of any other mistresses offhand - help!

#3: Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair; sometimes in Hampshire, England, UK, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, Universe

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 2:33 pm

So glad Augusta is back!

And let the chanting commence . . .

#4: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 2:34 pm

LOL. Miss wilson is JUST the person to deal with them.

Looking forward to more!

#5: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 6:00 pm

This is SO good! More please!

But what on earth would you say if you saw one of your pupils walking round with their feet handcuffed? What COULD you say?!

Trumpet

More please!

#6: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 6:08 pm

Oh, please more Abi! I had hysterics when I read the first Augusta archive...

ROFL

#7: Author: Cumbrian Rachel, Location: near High Wycombe

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 6:27 pm

Yay!! More Augusta!

Can't wait until the next installment...

*chants loudly*

#8: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 7:29 pm

More please Abi!! Augusta is wonderful!!!! ROFL

#9: Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 9:36 pm

Ooh, yes more please! Augusta is just hilarious!

#10: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 9:49 pm

I am so pleased to more of this. I love your Augusta stories.
More Soon Please, can't wait to see how Bill deals with them. Trumpet

#11: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 10:42 pm

*shrieks with laughter* Oh, poor Augusta!

#12: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 12:22 am

*waits for Bill's arrival......*

#13: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 2:11 am

*begins the chant*

#14: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 4:39 am

Can Bill pick locks? What an interesting lesson this could be ....

#15: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 7:58 am

Looking forward to Augusta explaining this to Bill! Laughing

#16: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 7:03 pm

Hurrah! I'm so glad to see Augusta's back!!!!!!! Very Happy

#17: Author: Chloë, Location: London: when away from home planet!

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 7:06 pm

Yay thanks Abi, more please Very Happy

#18: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 9:51 pm

Is poor Augusta still stuck in those handcuffs?

Maybe this will get you to come and help the poor child poke

#19: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 10:44 pm

Poor Augusta. How is she going to explain her way out of this one Razz

#20: Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair; sometimes in Hampshire, England, UK, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, Universe

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 11:04 pm

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE come back and write some more of this NOW!

Screen of Death

#21: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 11:08 pm

Do you want some more Rachel? (can't find innocent smiley)

#22: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2004 11:32 pm

I love Augusta - this new instalment is a real treat, please write some more soon, PLEASE[/b][/u]

#23: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2004 1:15 am

Aw, golly, no more?

#24: Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair; sometimes in Hampshire, England, UK, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, Universe

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2004 1:21 am

Sarah_L wrote:

Do you want some more Rachel? (can't find innocent smiley)

Subtle, wasn't I?

Twisted Evil

#25: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2004 1:48 am

As much as you ever are, Rachel! Wink

#26: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2004 4:29 am

Well, I have to say that on this occassion, I actually agree with Rachel!!! Shocked

#27: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2004 4:56 am

*hopes Vikki will soon recover from whatever mysterious malady has afflicted her*

#28: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2004 1:29 pm

I'm agreeing too. Can't believe that Abi came here and didn't post more of the story.

#29: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 2:35 am

Thank goodness Augusta is back - but would really like more story please.

#30: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 3:54 am

*would also like lots lots more*

#31: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 4:24 am

KB wrote:

*would also like lots lots more*

*would settle for even 3/4 of lots

#32: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 4:30 am

Would we even settle for a little bit more?

#33: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 1:16 pm

Right, I'm typing this directly in because the (*insert worst word you can think of here*) Y-drive is down AGAIN and I can't access Word where I have a load of this typed in. I'l do lots of short posts in case anything evil happens.

When Miss Wilson entered the room Augusta succeeded in rising to her feet without moving them, although she came close to overbalancing. Then she buried herself in her work even more fervently than usual. Fortunately that particular lesson consisted mostly of note-taking.

The moment that Augusta had been awaiting with a sort of fatalistic dread and the rest of the class had been anticipating eagerly arrived when Miss Wilson turned to her with a smile and said,

"Augusta, would you mind cleaning the board for me, please?"

#34: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 1:29 pm

Even Augusta's fertile mind was not equal to dealing with this alarming situaton. She was aware of the muffled giggles of Mollie on one side of her, and hesitated.

"Come along, we can't wait all day for you," said Miss Wilson, a little impatiently. She had regretted asking Augusta as soon as the words were out of her mouth. However, she had not anticipated being stared at with a look of imbecile stupidity.

"Er - " said Augusta. "If you don't mind, Miss Wilson, I'm a little tired. I mean," she added hastily as the mistress' mouth opened exasperatedly, "I think I've got a bit of a cold coming, and it does look a bit draughty over there by the blackboard, doesn't it? I'm bound to get a cold if I go waltzing round in a howling gale." She hurried on without taking a breath, seeing that Miss Wilson was about to object. "Not that I mind for myself - it's the rest of you I'm worried about. If I caught a cold I might give it to the rest of you. The whole School might catch it." She let her imagination run riot. "And then if someone outside the School got it, like that Colonel man Kathie was telling me about, they could give it to - "

"Augusta! Be quiet!" thundered Miss Wilson in an effort to stem the flood of eloquence that threatened to engulf her.

#35: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 1:41 pm

Augusta stopped mid-sentence and closed her mouth with a snap that sounded as though she were trying to bite the mistress' head off. That lady took a deep breath to calm herself and continued in a dangerously quiet tone.

"Do you intend to clean that board today or next century, Augusta?" Augusta sighed. She had not expected her tactics to succeed, and was prepared for what was to come, but she was highly tempted to reply "next century".

As she rose slowly to her feet she also thought about making a famous last speech - something along the lines of "we who are about to die salute you," or "it is a far, far, better thing..." A quick glance at Miss Wilson's face told her that this romantic gesture would probably go unappreciated. So, rattling like a choir of false teeth, she stepped out of her seat and approached the board with an air of nonchalance that suggested that it was a perfectly normal thing to wander round School with a pair of handcuffs fixed securely round one's ankles.

This time Miss Wilson's period of recuperation was longer.

#36: Author: Cumbrian Rachel, Location: near High Wycombe

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 7:36 pm

Brilliant! I can't wait to hear what Miss Wilson has to say!

* megaphone

starting to chant*

#37: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 11:04 pm

Oh! Oh! Oh! ROFL

Abi!!! More please!!!!!
I LOVE Augusta!!!!!

#38: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 11:26 pm

D wants to know what is wrong! Don't think I could explain wihtout tears of laughter.

More please.

#39: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 11:41 pm

I certainly laughed out loud after reading that bit Very Happy

#40: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 11:55 pm

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! that was worth waiting for Laughing

I can't wait for Bill's reaction to this.

#41: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:23 am

Absolutely dying to see Bill's reaction!!! Laughing

Imagine it could include Laughing

and

#42: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:35 am

Isn;t Augusta wonderful, I would have loved to have been at school with her.
Thank you Abi, hope you can post more soon.

#43: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:20 am

That was hysterical, but why's there no more????

#44: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 2:59 am

ROTFL. Please keep going, Abi!

#45: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 7:13 am

It would be Miss Wilson taking the class! I'm in pain from laughing so hard at the mental image of Augusta shuffling up to the board! Ow, ow, ow!

#46: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 6:18 pm

*aching from laughing*

Abi that was so funny it hurts!

#47: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 9:33 pm

*chants loudly at Abi*

#48: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 9:34 pm

*joins in chant*

#49: Author: Rachel, Location: Plotting in my lair; sometimes in Hampshire, England, UK, Europe, Earth, Milky Way, Universe

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 1:21 am

** Joins in chanting in the knowledge that this will also have the benefit of bumping this thread back onto Page One of C&D!!! **

#50: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 2:50 am

Good thinking Rachel.

*Joins chant so as to make it REALLY LOUD!

#51: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 10:38 am

Joins in loud noise also to ensure it doesn't slip down the page.

#52: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 11:37 am

*notices that it is clinging fast to page 1*

#53: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 4:57 pm

Next part here........

This time Miss Wilson’s period of recuperation was longer. Indeed, she was obliged to close her eyes and hold onto her desk to support herself. When she did speak it was through clenched teeth.

“Augusta, what is that you have around your ankles?” Augusta put on a look of convincing surprise.

“My ankles, Miss Wilson?”

“Yes. I suppose you have encountered the term ‘ankle’ before? The joint that connects the foot and the leg.”

“Oh – ankle! Yes, of course, I see what you mean now, Miss Wilson.”

“Well?”

“Well… I… er… It’s just a – just a slight handicap, Miss Wilson,” explained her pupil brightly. “I’m getting used to it now, honestly I am!”

“That is not the point,” said the mistress firmly. “The point is that pupils cannot be allowed to walk round school with handcuffs round their ankles. It would create chaos.” She paused to reflect that Augusta somehow always did manage to create chaos even when following implicitly the letter of the law. “Take them off, please, at once.” Augusta would have stood on one leg with embarrassment had they not been closely linked together. She cleared her throat unnecessarily loudly and explained her predicament.

“So you see, I really couldn’t help it,” she finished.

Miss Wilson clicked her tongue in exasperation.

“Really, Augusta, you are one of the most careless and ridiculous children I have ever met,” she said tartly. “If you don’t know better than this I am surprised you have survived to the age of twelve. Now, as it seems to be entirely your fault that you are in this situation you may keep those – er – handcuffs,” at this point Miss Wilson’s face twitched slightly. “Round your ankles for the rest of the day. You had better spend your spare time looking for the key, and if you can’t find it you may come to me after supper and I will remove them for you. Now clean the board and go and sit down.”

#54: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 5:02 pm

Yay! Thank you Abi!

(so does Miss Wilson keep sets of spare keys for handcuffs??? *mind boggling* or maybe she just has a hacksaw...)

#55: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 6:40 pm

Or will she just hack of Augusta's foot?

*forgets that this isn't holocaust.

#56: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 6:52 pm

Good old Bill! Glad she could do that with a straight face, and still make the punnishment fit the crime. Look forward to seeing how she finally removes the things. Very Happy

#57: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 7:11 pm

Bolt cutters would do it, or perhaps Bill intend to use a bunsen burner like an oxyacetyelene torch! Most probably a hacksaw though!

*Innocently*
Anyone else wondering if Augusta's class have Games that afternoon? Laughing

#58: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 11:21 pm

Lesley wrote:

*Innocently*
Anyone else wondering if Augusta's class have Games that afternoon? Laughing

Lesley! You are EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!!!! *sniggles*

#59: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 11:32 pm

What a wonderful idea Lesley! ROFL

#60: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 1:00 am

Having started the books now, I can see exactly why Augusta the girl is so logical and precise. It's hilarious! Trust Bill to keep her cool.

#61: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 2:21 am

Lesley, I thought exactly the same thing! And will Augusta have to explain the situation to every mistress she has for the rest of the day?

#62: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 3:27 am

*weeps with laughter*
*starts an Augusta fan club!*

#63: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 4:31 am

*rushes to join*

#64: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 10:38 am

Lesley - how did you know? Laughing

Even Augusta was a little subdued by this pronouncement. She cleaned the board and returned to her seat, scowling fiercely at Mollie and Kathie, who were, as she said later, grinning like monkeys. The lesson continued and she submerged herself in work and ink. In fact, Augusta began to feel that the day might not be so bad. True, there had been a lot of giggles and rude comments (generally involving prisons or lunatic asylums), as well as irate remarks from mistress who appeared to agree completely with Miss Wilson strongly. But to Augusta this was not an unusual state of affairs, and she received it with equanimity.

“Honestly, Gus, I don’t know how you always manage to make an idiot of yourself,” said Kathie at the midday meal.

“I don’t!” Augusta sounded slightly affronted.

“You do. What about the burglar that turned out to be Miss Wilson?”

“That was a simple mistake. Anyone could have made it,” she said distantly. Mollie snorted.

“Not anyone. You,” she said.

“Anyway, you do look a fool traipsing round with handcuffs round your ankles.”

“Yes,” agreed Mollie. “And what I’m really wondering is…”

“What?”

“What?” Both their heads turned towards her as Mollie paused tantalisingly.

“What are you going to do in hockey this afternoon?”

#65: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 11:08 am

Weeps with laughter at the thought! thanks Abi, I like a laugh on a Monday morning Laughing

#66: Author: Cumbrian Rachel, Location: near High Wycombe

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 11:49 am

I can't wait to hear about Augusta's hockey lesson!

*rushing off to join the Augusta fan club!*

#67: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 2:54 pm

Help! Can anyone tell me who the Games mistress was at this time? (War - Highland Twins period)! I'll put in Hilary Burn for now cos she's the only one I can think of except Peggy Burnett who I think came later but I have no idea if she's right or not Embarassed

#68: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 3:24 pm

It was the hockey lesson. Augusta always played in goal now, because it was the only place where the game could continue in a fairly normal manner. In her first game, Miss Burn has misguidedly placed her in the forward line, where Augusta had enthusiastically attacked her own goal, and the game culminated in a battle between her and her own team-mates, which quickly spread to the other team until it degenerated into a thrilling all-against-all match.

In the second game the mistress had put her in the defence and explained the rules in great detail. Augusta had decided to be on the safe side and tackle everyone who came anywhere near her with the ball (and sometimes she got excited and attacked people who didn’t have the ball), whichever team they happened to be playing for. This made it difficult for the other team to score, but it was also something of a hindrance to her own, since she had no idea of where she was supposed to be on the pitch or of where to hit the ball once she had gained possession of it. Thus she had been relegated to between the goalposts, where the worst she could do was to accidentally hit the ball into her own goal, or forget where she was and start trying to catch a caterpillar, or trip over her hockey stick and coat herself in mud. This was less disruptive to the game, if not exactly hockey.

But I have digressed. In this particular game Augusta was playing in goal with the additional impediment of the handcuffs. Miss Burn had missed seeing them at the beginning of the game, due to a slight problem with the key to the Games shed being lost. It was eventually discovered in her pocket, but it made her late and the girls had already taken their places by the time she arrived. She changed a few people around, issued one or two instructions, then started the game. Fortunately for Augusta, her team was much the stronger and most of the play took place at the other end of the pitch. Augusta allowed her attention to wander. That cloud looked like a pair of handcuffs. She hardly noticed when Miss Burn stopped the game for a moment to alter the teams so that they were more equal. That one bore a vague resemblance to the profile of Churchill. And that was certainly a giraffe over there…

“Augusta!” A yell echoed down the field.

“Hi! Gussie!” Augusta’s mind jerked back to the game. What was happening? Someone was bearing down on her, lifting their stick, hitting the ball straight towards the goal. With determination written all over her face Augusta lifted her own stick and stepped forward to smash the ball back down the field.

#69: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 3:31 pm

*Giggles enthusiastically* Thank you Abi - love all these Augusta stories.

#70: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 4:24 pm

OH..Wondering if Gus is going to fall flat on her face or smash the ball into someone's head (or both).

Much laughter at the description of Gus's attempts at hockey.

#71: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 4:49 pm

*wonders what is going to happen next* I hope I won't have to wait long to find out!

#72: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 6:03 pm

This is as good as ever. Thank you so much for brightening my days with this. Razz

#73: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 6:04 pm

Sarah_L wrote:

*wonders what is going to happen next* I hope I won't have to wait long to find out!

Poor Augusta can jsut envisage the problems of finding somewhere safe to put her during the game. Laughing

Could be anything from flat on her face, flat on someone else, miraculous save of ball, demolishes goal or ............

I suppose we'll have to wait and see!

#74: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 8:49 pm

Wonderful!!! And as someone who played in goal for the First Eleven at school I should say I'd want Augusta nowhere near the goal either!

Abi - how did I know? Because I just thought of the funniest situation she could find herself in! Laughing

#75: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 10:06 pm

More please!
*rushes to join the Augusta fan club*

Lesley, your mind probably works the same way and that's how you guessed. What about the hockey match in RCS?
When are we getting more of THAT, btw?

*starts chanting loudly*

#76: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 11:08 pm

*trying to hold in her laughter*

excellent antidote to essay-relates depression, thank you Abi Kiss

#77: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2004 11:10 pm

Copies of this story should be available on NHS perscription. Laughing

#78: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 2:37 am

Abi this is priceless, so funny. Also off to join the August fan club.

#79: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 5:12 am

Thank you Abi!! *giggling wildly*

#80: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:29 am

Oh, golly, poor Augusta! *smothers giggles* As a former goalie, I would like to sympathise with her about how boring the game can be!

#81: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:51 am

Quote:

Fortunately for Augusta, her team was much the stronger and most of the play took place at the other end of the pitch.

Tee hee - sounds like my one brief satisfactory mark in gym class. I "played fullback" by pretending to watch what was going on at the other end of the field.

Abi, these stories are fabulous!

#82: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 8:32 am

*applauds Kathy's ingenuity*

#83: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 12:34 pm

Giggling at the Augusta fan club and Kathy's hockey-playing skills!

Unfortunately she had forgotten her “slight handicap”, and her right foot was brought to a sudden and painful halt, while the rest of her continued, with the predictable result that she collapsed on her face in the mud. Her hockey stick, finding itself suddenly free, leapt forward, grabbed the attacker round the leg and brought her to the ground. In the meantime the ball flew onwards and ended up with an audible ‘crack’ on Augusta’s head.

“Augusta!” Miss Burn’s voice held a mixture of concern and exasperation. “What are you doing now?” Augusta sat up and looked at her apologetically.

“Sorry, Miss Burn. I forgot I was wearing them.”

“Wearing what?” enquired the mistress dubiously. Augusta scrambled to her feet (not without some difficulty) and indicated them. Hilary Burn stared at them in silence for some moments, while the rest of the players grinned broadly and waited with anticipatory pleasure for the reaction. At length the Games mistress spoke, in a conversational tone of voice.

“There are times, Augusta, when I have serious doubts of your sanity. Would you care to explain exactly why you find handcuffs necessary to the playing of hockey? Perhaps you find it improves your game?”

“Oh, no, Miss Burn,” Augusta hastened to explain. “It was Miss Wilson really. She said I had to wear them.” A feeling of confusion and bewilderment began to creep up on Miss Burn. She made a determined effort to throw it off.

“Don’t be silly, child. I’m certain Miss Wilson would never tell anyone to tie their ankles together to play a game of hockey. You must have misunderstood something she said.

“No, honestly,” insisted Augusta. “She did. She said I had to wear them all day.” Kathie hastily stepped forward to explain at this point, as Miss Burn was beginning to look as though foaming at the mouth may be an option in the not too distant future.

“It’s true, Miss Burn,” she assured the mistress, explaining the situation and Miss Wilson’s dictum clearly and concisely. “I don’t think she knew we had hockey this afternoon.”

“I dare say,” commented Miss Burn grimly. Well, be more careful for the rest of the game, Augusta. And do try to think before you d such a stupid thing again.”

For the rest of the game, Augusta was so careful that she hardly moved her feet at all, with the consequence that every shot scored a goal and the score ended up as 24 – 3.

#84: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 12:42 pm

Thank you Abi!

*suppressing her laughter* ouch ouch ouch

#85: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 12:46 pm

And the end of the handcuff episode...

By the end of the day the key had not been found, despite the efforts of the entire form, who appeared to find it a highly entertaining occupation to turn the Common Room upside down in the search for a key that seemed to have been taking lessons from Houdini.

After supper, therefore, Augusta approached Miss Wilson with some trepidation. She found that lady armed with hairpins, needles and bits of wire. Augusta paused on the threshold, looking slightly alarmed.

“Come here and sit down, Augusta,” commanded Miss Wilson. “And don’t move your feet.” She knelt down and attacked the lock of the handcuffs with a hairpin. This proved to be too large for the job and it was one of the needles that eventually succeeded in releasing the catch. Augusta jumped up and beamed gratefully at the mistress.

“Thanks awfully, Miss Wilson. It would have been a bit of a problem to have to go through life…”

“Yes, that’s enough,” interrupted the noble rescuer. “I think I shall keep these until the end of term. Now, go away and try to use your common sense in future. If that is possible.”

“Yes, Miss Wilson!” Augusta went off down the corridor, skipping, running and jumping in her new found freedom and fortunately meeting no-one on the way.

But she had learned her lesson, and never wore handcuffs round her ankles again.

#86: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 2:08 pm

Oh, oh, oh, oh!!!!
Abi!! That was wonderful!! And you, my pet, are a comic genius!!!!!

#87: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 4:17 pm

Vikki wrote:

Oh, oh, oh, oh!!!!
Abi!! That was wonderful!! And you, my pet, are a comic genius!!!!!

Agrees with every word - please keep going Abi, you'll soon have enogh of these stories to make a book.

#88: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 4:19 pm

What a horrific thought!!! As it happens though, I do have another idea....

#89: Author: Cumbrian Rachel, Location: near High Wycombe

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 5:23 pm

This is brilliant!!! I've been giggling away. Fortunately the computer room is fairly empty at the moment....

I can't wait for the next episode!!!!

More soon please!!!

#90: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 6:36 pm

That was wonderful. Wish I could have seen Hilary Burns' face. *Giggles* Laughing

I'm a huge member of the Augusta Fan Club.

When's the next story due? Laughing

#91: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 6:56 pm

Incredible! Do you think Augusta is into lateral thinking?

More, more!!

#92: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:21 pm

I'd have liked to see the meeting between Hilary and Nell, with regard to Augusta's handcuffs!!! Wink

#93: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:35 pm

ROFL

(tears of mirth).

I can just picture Hilary trying to figure out just why Bill had put handcuffs on Augusta's ankles! Poor Gussy, problems sure do seem to follow her!

#94: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:45 pm

*grins knowingly* Abi, I have a very good idea where you got the idea of using hairpins to unlock the cuffs! and those of you who assumed unthinkables about Nell should be ashamed of yourselves! Wink

When can we have more? I think you should eventually compile these and send 'em to GGB. Call it a comedic slant on the CS- after all, it's not exactly um, alternative so surely A &C couldn't complain?

#95: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 1:10 am

Abi - our brilliance. Waiting for more (when you can)

#96: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 1:29 am

Sorry, there was no other way of showing just how much I love these stories!

#97: Author: Ailsa, Location: Australia

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 2:40 am

This is so incredibly hilarious! When I read Augusta saying it was Miss Wilsons fault I nearly exploded!

Post more ASAP!

#98: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 4:12 am

Abi wrote:

But she had learned her lesson, and never wore handcuffs round her ankles again.

Can't help wondering if this means she wore them somewhere else...

#99: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 3:57 pm

Lisa_T wrote:

*grins knowingly* Abi, I have a very good idea where you got the idea of using hairpins to unlock the cuffs! and those of you who assumed unthinkables about Nell should be ashamed of yourselves! Wink

That's not the only place I've got ideas from - the whole sports with ankles tied together thing came from Jennings Goes to School. I'm not really that original Rolling Eyes

KB - I'm a little worried as to what you were thinking there???

#100: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 6:34 pm

Abi wrote:

- the whole sports with ankles tied together thing came from Jennings Goes to School. I'm not really that original Rolling Eyes

I remember that scene Abi - but you've built up a set of different circumstances around it, and it's just as funny as the original, and handcuffs are certainly a stage further than bootlaces.

#101: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2004 10:26 pm

*wonders if we'll get any more of this soon?!!!*

#102: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2004 10:53 am

You will, but I have four essays and two presentations to do in the next two weeks, so postings may be a bit sporadic!

The next story will be Augusta and the Spy (I think)

#103: Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2004 11:19 am

Yay! Can't wait, I love Augusta!

#104: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2004 4:58 pm

Good luck with your essays etc, and I'm looking forward to more when you can!!!!

#105: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2004 6:14 pm

Abi wrote:

KB - I'm a little worried as to what you were thinking there???

Well, on her wrists, of course!

And *huggles* to Abi!

#106: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Redcar

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2004 6:30 pm

Abi wrote:

You will, but I have four essays and two presentations to do in the next two weeks, so postings may be a bit sporadic!

The next story will be Augusta and the Spy (I think)

Poor Abi, that sounds like a lot of work. And I'm looking forward to Augusta and the Spy.

#107: Author: Lesley, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2004 7:09 am

Also looking forward to the next installment! Laughing

#108: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2004 2:03 am

Good luck with all your essays and presentations. At least you'll have Augusta as light relief. Looking forward to whatever you can post whenever you post it.

#109: Author: PatMac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2004 10:51 pm

Susan says it for me too Abi! Good luck with all that work.

#110: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2004 12:26 am

I hope your work goes well, not just because I'm looking forward to the next Augusta (though I am, of course)

#111: Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants

Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2004 4:10 pm

I have written some of this but haven't got it with me to type up, so I will post it tomorrow.

Just think of Miss Annersley disguised as Winston Churchill.........

#112: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2004 4:19 pm

*tries to make mind stop boggling!!!*

#113: Author: Cumbrian Rachel, Location: near High Wycombe

Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2004 4:42 pm

Miss Annersley disguised as Winston Churchill?! I'm intrigued!!! Looking forward to tomorrow!

#114: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2004 10:11 pm

What an intregueing thought to leave us on. Love it.

#115: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 2:03 am

*Having visions of Hilda, well padded, with a nice big cigar in her mouth declaiming, 'Never have so many...' bla bla bla.
Or at Potsdam? Or was it Yalta? 20th century history never was my forte!!

#116: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 8:01 pm

I've moved the new Augusta story onto a new thread, for ease of use!

Hope nobody minds. Laughing

#117: Author: KB, Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 8:08 pm

Not Potsdam, Lisa. Winston had already been defeated by then.

#118: Author: Vikki, Location: Possibly in hell! It's certainly hot enough.......

Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2004 12:25 am

Carolyn P wrote:

I've moved the new Augusta story onto a new thread, for ease of use!

Hope nobody minds. Laughing

Good idea Carolyn!! In a similar vein, I'm going to lock this thread!!!

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