The Return Part III
The CBB -> Ste Therese's House

#1: The Return Part III Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:45 am


Archived for length 03.10.05.

Part I
Part II

Gem x



Thank you for your comments, and on we go! Another gentle interlude.

Conversation over tea centred wholly on the plans for the reopening of the school. Herr Anserl knew comparatively little about the way in which the school was organised, and was clearly intrigued by the various arrangements that the three women discussed. This was scarcely surprising as in Austria he had been, like Mr Denny, a visiting master, and while both men were superb teachers who had been responsible for the excellent musical education that the girls had received, they had not been involved in the daily running of the school. Now it would be different; Herr Anserl would have his own rooms in one wing of Sarres, and while he would not be expected to supervise pupils in the same way as the other staff members, he would be much more closely associated with girls and staff than had previously been the case. So he listened with interest as Hilda, Nell and Gwynneth outlined the various ways in which this smaller school would be run.
One important difference between the old and new Chalet schools was that gardening was now to be formally taught to all pupils. A gardening mistress, Miss Everett, had been engaged, and as she was also the gardener at the Lucy’s home she was to be a visiting mistress only. Of course, this meant that the girls – especially the younger ones - would require some supervision while carrying out the tasks that Miss Everett had set them during their lessons, and it was when discussing this that a possible difficulty appeared.
“Of course, Hilda,” said Nell, “you do realise that the supervising staff will have to have some notion of practical gardening, don’t you?”
“Are you sure, Nell?”
“Certainly I’m sure! Can you just imagine what some of our brightest sparks could evolve if they knew that the person in charge didn’t know a dandelion from a potato – or what to do with it?”
“Your English,” said Hilda resignedly. “Bother, no I must admit that that thought hadn’t occurred to me. Have you any idea of how many of us do know something about the subject? I don’t, before you ask!”
“Con’s quite keen,” said Nell slowly. “Grizel once let drop that she used to enjoy gardening when she was younger, but Simone hasn’t a clue: I remember her saying something about it when we were discussing the new timetable.” She stopped, remembering uneasily that she had reduced Simone to tears during that conversation. “How could I have done that?” she thought. “It was as if I’d become another person!” She shivered a little and Gwynneth, noticing this, joined the conversation at once.
“What about you, Nell? I seem to recall you saying something about the garden at that cottage of yours.” Nell raised her hands,
“Guilty as charged! But I’ve no idea about the others. And of course some of the Senior girls may be able to help.”
“And I can assist also,” remarked Herr Anserl at this point, “I would be most pleased to do so in fact, for I have missed my garden.” There was a sudden silence at this simple statement, as all three women envisaged the lovingly tended garden that had surrounded Herr Anserl’s home in Spartz, and they realised again how much he had willingly abandoned. After a moment, Nell looked at him a little shyly; the old man was staring out of the window, lost in thought. Becoming aware of her scrutiny, he smiled gently at her,
“No, child, do not worry. One can always make another garden, if there is sufficient time granted.” He nodded to Hilda, “ So, Fraulein Hilda, I will be pleased to include gardening supervision as one of my new duties here.”
“If you’re sure, Herr – Vater Bar? I must say, it would be very helpful.”
“I am sure.” And the conversation passed on to other things.


Last edited by Cath V-P on Sun Nov 20, 2005 10:44 am; edited 21 times in total

 


#2:  Author: kerenLocation: Israel PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 6:26 am


Isn't that nice,
a real look behind the scenes at what might have happened.

 


#3:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 7:48 am


Lovely

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#4:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 7:56 am


How good to see Nell functioning as a normal member of staff, thinking clearly about what needs to be done, even if still shaken by how far she had gone down that dark road and had hurt people.

So sad for Herr Anserl - to have lost so much.

As you say, a gentle interlude. The calm before another storm?

Thank you.

 


#5:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 8:59 am


Thanks, Cath. I felt sorry for Herr Anserl, that he is going to start this new garden, and then the CS is then going to have to move again so soon.

 


#6:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 10:00 am


Just caught up on this and what can I say, but 'Go Hilda!' Smile And yay for Herr Anserl too Smile

 


#7:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 6:53 pm


Nice to see just how far Nell has come in such a short time, that she can recognise how differently she had been acting.

Thanks Cath.

 


#8:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:43 am


Final bit before the weekend! The keen amongst you may notice that I have aged a minor character slightly, but the story demanded it... Very Happy


It was not until dinner was over that any allusion was made to Jem’s visit. Herr Anserl had been settled in his new quarters, and had professed himself greatly pleased by surroundings. His heavy luggage – apparently it consisted mostly of music - was expected to arrive from London on Monday, and he looked forward to settling in at the school and making it his home for the foreseeable future. At dinner, both Hilda and Gwynneth were pleased to see that Nell again ate a reasonable amount, and although she was clearly tired, she managed to maintain her part in the conversation. However, by the time that the meal had concluded, it was evening and starting to get dark, and Nell was quite plainly anxious at the approach of night. She grew quiet and tense, lost interest in what was being said and gazed uneasily about the room.
The meal over, Herr Anserl turned to Hilda,
“If I might ask, Fraulein Hilda: would it be permitted that I try the piano that I noticed in the hall?”
“Of course, Vater Bar; I was rather expecting that you would want to. The piano has been tuned and put in order, and Grizel Cochrane tells me that it is very satisfactory.” Herr Anserl considered,
“Well, Fraulein Cochrane has had sufficient time to be aware of what is desirable in a piano, so – we shall see.” And getting up, he left the room quickly. The three women waited to clear the table and generally tidy the room, and then, hearing the sounds of the piano went to the hall.
The large room was dim, as Herr Anserl had switched on only the light that illuminated the area where the grand piano stood, and as he played the shadows flickered and danced over walls and floor. Aware of Nell’s fears, Hilda had not left her side, and as they seated themselves quietly on the settle in the corner – Gwynneth was sitting at the foot of the stairs – she said nothing, but tucked Nell’s hand through her arm and held it gently. For a little while, Nell relaxed, as the music came to them through the shadows.
He began with the Moonlight Sonata, every note sounding with a cool liquid precision, then moved to the familiar Mozart Sonata in A major. Then, with a clear change of mood, he shifted to the final movement of the Rachmaninov Second Piano Concerto, improvising the main orchestral sequences when required. The onslaught of sound and emotion caught them unawares; Hilda felt Nell’s hand tremble and tighten around her own, and heard Gwynneth’s sudden intake of breath. For a moment, she felt almost smothered by the music’s intensity and had to resist the urge to run from the room. Then the final chord sounded and the music died away. Swiftly, Gwynneth got up and switched on a lamp. Herr Anserl was sitting very still, gazing down at his hands on the keyboard.
“It is a good piano,” he said absently, “Time has been kind to it…”

Nell opened her eyes almost as though she was waking from sleep and said suddenly into the silence,
“Vater Bar, how can you bear it?” He swung himself round on the piano stool to face her, considered a moment, then said, as he had previously said to Hilda,
“Well, there comes a time when one must do what is right, and pay the price. Yes, I chose to leave my home and I have lost it; but if I had stayed, it would no longer have been the home that I knew, and now, here, the memory is still sweet.” He paused, then continued, “And I know my good friend, Johann, made the same choice.” He nodded as comprehension illuminated the three faces, and said,
“Johann and I were boys together; I chose music and a priest’s vocation chose him. After I returned to Spartz, it was a great blessing to find him there, and we made and tended our gardens together.” A sudden vision of Vater Johann’s s garden in Spartz rose before Nell, with its apple trees and crimson roses, and she swallowed. Herr Anserl chuckled ruefully, “His roses always bloomed earlier - and he declared always that his apples were sweeter than mine.” He stood up and walked to the window,
“Do not be unhappy for him. I was able to be with him before he died and he regretted nothing. Indeed, I begin to believe that he has been spared much, for the Austria that we both loved has been obliterated, and that life will never come again.” He sighed heavily, and the three women could find no response. After a moment, he looked again at Nell, scrutinising her carefully, then said gently, but firmly,
“I think perhaps that it is time for us to talk about the Herr Doktor Russell and the days that you were in the Sanatorium, is it not?” Nell tensed, and panic suddenly flickered over her face, but she said only,
“Hilda?” Hilda bit her lip uneasily as she recalled the way in which Jem had treated Nell and ignored her own concerns, but then she met Herr Anserl’s gaze. “She has to know” the old man’s eyes seemed to say, and Hilda remembered her words to Gwynneth that morning when the latter had voiced her own doubts.
“I agree with Vater Bar, Nell,” she said softly, “But remember you’re not alone now.” Nell thought for a moment, then looked up, her eyes fearful and her mouth set into a determined line. “Very well,” she said firmly, and sat straight and tense, waiting for his words. At the foot of the stairs, Gwynneth sat motionless.

 


#9:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:05 am


Thank you Cath - that was beautiful

Liz

 


#10:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:38 am


Thanks Cath, that must have taken some writing, and I can imagine the next bit will as well. Poor Nell, at least she has got Hilda, Gwynneth and Vater Bar with her. They shall be able to support her in the way no one else can. Then her other friends might be able to get close again.

 


#11:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:46 am


That music - what it did to them all - was so moving, leading up inexorably to Nell being forced to confront her nightmares. Surely only music has such power, renders us so helpless and so open to what will come.

Herr Anserl spoke so movingly of Father Johann, making Nell aware that others too had suffered - but were willing to pay the price. As she was when she made the vow to kill the Lieutenant.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#12:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 8:34 am


That was incredibly moving.

 


#13:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 8:58 am


NNNNOOOOOO!! Another fantastic drabble! How do I manage to do all the housework when you people keep writing such excellent pieces and make me spend hours here, reading them all? I have a machine full of washing and dinner to get, but I am glued to the computer screen. This has been excellent (I have read it through from the beginning now) and so moving. Miss Wilson is one of my favourite people and I hate the thought of her suffering so much. But it was so lovely to see Hilda able to reach her, and bring her back out of her nightmare.

 


#14:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 9:13 am


Fatima wrote:
NNNNOOOOOO!! Another fantastic drabble! How do I manage to do all the housework when you people keep writing such excellent pieces and make me spend hours here, reading them all? I have a machine full of washing and dinner to get, but I am glued to the computer screen. This has been excellent (I have read it through from the beginning now) and so moving. Miss Wilson is one of my favourite people and I hate the thought of her suffering so much. But it was so lovely to see Hilda able to reach her, and bring her back out of her nightmare.


I know exactly what you mean about this board taking up so much time, Claire! Thanks, Cath. I don't mind about the ages being changed and I'm glad Nell is able to talk about Jem now.

 


#15:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:25 pm


As Liz, said, beautiful, Cath. Thanks.

 


#16:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:24 pm


Oh how beautiful Cath. I'm so glad Herr Anserl is able to get though to Nell with his music, and that she trusts them enough to open up.

 


#17:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:34 pm


Thank you Cath, an absolutely beautiful scene.


(((((Nell)))))

 


#18:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:50 pm


I'm holding my breath for the next scene. Thank you Cath- this really must be hard to write. That was such a moving, evocative scene. Love that they are all helping each other, and Matey sitting there watching over them all.

 


#19:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 8:11 pm


Thank you Cath. I too am looking forward to the next scene.

 


#20:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:19 am


Dear people, thank you for your lovely comments. I am terribly sorry but the next bit will be rather delayed as the video card in my laptop died yesterday, and I am currently computer-less. David managed to stream everything valuable on to his computer, so i haven't lost anything, and I can still access email and net, but only from his machine - which he needs most of the time, so my activities are severely curtailed! It is very frustrating and I am reduced to paper and pen during the day. We hope to be able to work something out during the next few days, but until then I don't see me being able to posy much, if at all. Crying or Very sad

 


#21:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:30 am


Oh Cath, what a shame - but we can wait until you can *posy* again,

Naughty computer - can't you throw David off his? Embarassed

 


#22:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:33 am


Sorry to hear that Cath - will wait with (im)patience until you are fully computer literate again!

 


#23:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 1:50 pm


I'm sorry to hear that your computer's not working, Cath. Naughty computer! I hope you will be able to use the computer again soon but I am willing to be patient until that happens.

 


#24:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 5:26 pm


bah, that's a pain. Hope you get sorted out soon - for your own sake more than anything else.

 


#25:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 5:47 pm


Hope you can get it all sorted soon Cath

*sits down to wait patiently*

Liz

 


#26:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:42 pm


*hugs Cath and pokes the norty computer!*

 


#27:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 10:43 pm


That must be so inconvenient. I hope you get it sorted soon.

In the meantime best of luck with the pen and paper - hopefully you'll have tons to type up when you get back online

 


#28:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 8:11 am


Cath if you want to email updates to me I'd be very happy to help out with posting them for you (I'm making this offer very unselfishly).

Hope you get the puter fixed soon!

 


#29:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:36 pm


Wonderful updates Cath. Its great to see the relationship developing with Vater Bar and to see the beginnings of the old Nell re-emerging. It will be interesting to hear what Jem told Vater Bar. I hope you get the computor situation sorted soon.

 


#30:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:23 am


Hi all - stole son's computer (he's cleaned up desktop very quickly! Very Happy) and in return for typing up his drama notes, I can have it during the day. New Mac mini is on order...

Next part!!


“You know that you were very ill when we reached the Sanatorium, do you not?” Nell frowned in an effort to remember.
“Hilda told me that I was,” she said finally. “I don’t know…I do remember that you talked to me on the boat, and you wouldn’t let Jem scare me….” Her voice trailed off and Herr Anserl nodded,
“That is correct. When we reached Paris, he wished to take you to a hospital there, but I persuaded him that this would not be wise. So we journeyed on and arrived here the next morning.” He sighed, “And in all that time you refused to sleep. You would not go anywhere near Herr Doktor Russell unless I was with you, and you were … not quite sure of where you were or where we were going.” Hilda shuddered a little on hearing this, but Nell remained still. “When we arrived, I had to persuade you that nobody would hurt you, that the doctors and nurses were friends.”
“I didn’t recognise any of them,” said Nell. “You told me that we were at the San, but I didn’t know anyone. I did know that I was safe while you were near, but that’s all I can remember.”
“You had a very high fever by that time, Nell, and some of your injuries were infected,” said Hilda quietly. “I’m surprised that you can remember that much.” Nell thought for a moment.
“How long did that last for?” she asked.
“Four days,” replied Hilda and Herr Anserl simultaneously. The latter gestured to Hilda, who continued, “You were starting to recover then; your fever had dropped and your wounds were healing - ” She stopped as a white-faced Nell turned her to her, her voice rising in panic,
“So why don’t I remember any of this? I can understand that if I was ill – but I was getting better. What happened to me?” Herr Anserl leaned forward and patted her shoulder reassuringly. Then he spoke, calmly and deliberately, compelling her to listen.
“Child, what you needed at that time was to be allowed to talk about what had happened in Austria – what you saw and heard. Sadly, a wrong decision was taken and you were not allowed to speak; so everything has stayed locked up inside you, and you have remained tormented by your memories.” Nell considered this, then asked,
“Was this Jem’s decision? And do you know why he did it?”
“Yes, it was,” said Hilda reluctantly. “And Nell, I don’t believe he meant to hurt you, but I don’t think he understood much about what you needed. What do you think, Vater Bar?”
“I agree,” Herr Anserl replied. “I spoke to him, before I had to leave and travel to London, and I hoped that I had made him understand, but it appears that I was unsuccessful. He meant well, but he has little imagination; also, he did not know much about how to help you – and he did not seek advice. I am not telling you this to excuse him, you understand, but simply so that you know how it came about.”
“And what exactly did he do?” asked Nell harshly. There was a silence as Hilda and Herr Anserl exchanged glances, then Herr Anserl continued calmly,
“It seems that he made you sleep when you did not wish to. By the end of the week, you were having terrible dreams; he believed that sleep was what you needed, so he ensured that you would sleep. After the first night, you realised what was happening and asked him to stop. He told you that this was for your own good and you – became angry, because you were frightened.” Hilda, suddenly realising what was coming, slipped an arm round Nell and held her close. Herr Anserl’s voice was slower.
“He was reluctant to tell me what happened next, but eventually he did. You were so frightened and angry that when they tried to calm you, you hit one of the doctors. So two of the staff held you while another doctor – not Herr Doktor Russell - injected you with a sedative.” Both Hilda and Gwynneth exclaimed in horror, but Nell remained silent.
“Next day, you did not attempt to talk to anyone, you took all the drugs that they wished you to, and Herr Doktor Russell was very pleased that you were being sensible. After three days more he decided that you were better, so you were able to leave.”
He stopped speaking and an oppressive quiet filled the room. Nell’s face was white and expressionless, her eyes cold and brooding. She was shivering, but otherwise she showed no reaction to Herr Anserl’s words. Desperately, Hilda began to pray that this had not been too much for her, that she would be able to cope with all that she had heard, and that it would not drive her back into the darkness and terror of the previous months.
Unexpectedly, Nell stood up.
“Well, it’s late,” she said in artificially bright tones, “And I’m tired. So I think I’ll say goodnight now.”
“Nell -,” Hilda put out her hand, but catching sight of Gwynneth’s quick shake of the head, said nothing further.
The three watched Nell walk up the stairs in silence.

 


#31:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:31 am


poor Nell - how horrific to find all that out. I'm not suprised she's gone away from them.

Cath that must have been incredibly diffcult to write. Thank you

 


#32:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 6:48 am


((((((((((((((((((((((Nell and Hilda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Oh how much those revelations must hurt. I hope that Nell is able to let it out soon. And I'm so glad they had Vater Bar with them, and Gwynneth. Thanks Cath - and thanks to your son for letting you borrow his computer - and a new one coming soon! Very Happy

 


#33:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:38 am


Crying or Very sad How awful

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#34:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:17 am


Sad What a horrible thing to discover.

Thanks Cath.

 


#35:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:51 am


How awful. Poor Nell and Hilda. Glad Vater BAr is there to help to. I hope Nell doesn't retreat too far again. Thank you Cath.

 


#36:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:20 pm


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad you have access to a computer. I hope Nell will be ok after being told all this information.

 


#37:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:37 pm


It needed to be done, but poor, poor Nell..... I foresee lots of bitterness ahead before she comes to terms with this.

And the other two will feel so guilty. Crying or Very sad

 


#38:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:25 pm


Poor Nell - I do hope she can confide in Hilda - that she can forgive Hilda - so Hilda can then try and forgive herself.

Thanks Cath.

 


#39:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 10:56 am


Thank you all; that was a very hard section to write.

Next part:

“She needs some time to think,” said Gwynneth quietly. “Whatever she was expecting to hear – and it could have been much worse – she now knows what happened, and she has to accept it.”
“How could he?” exclaimed Hilda in fury. “How could he have been so stupid? So blind?”
“He did not consider,” said Herr Anserl quietly. “I do not think that will happen again, and in the meantime it is Fraulein Nell that we must think of.”
“You’re right, Vater Bar,” replied Hilda, flushing at the gentle rebuke in his tone. “Nell is the important one.”
“I think it would be best if we were all to go to bed,” said Gwynneth firmly. “It’s been a tiring day, and the others will be back tomorrow – to say nothing of the fact that the first day of term is almost upon us. And you should try to get some sleep, Hilda.”

As was the case with practically all Gwynneth’s pronouncements, neither Hilda nor Herr Anserl were disposed to disagree, and in a remarkably short time, Sarres was quiet. Herr Anserl had taken himself off to his own quarters murmuring something about attending early Mass, and Hilda and Gwynneth had performed the final tasks of checking that the house was locked and that all was as it should be. By common consent, neither spoke, save for a quiet “Good night,” as they reached Gwynneth’s room. Hilda paused outside Nell’s door, but it was closed, and somehow, Hilda knew that Nell was not yet ready to talk. And even though the connecting door between their rooms was slightly ajar, Hilda did not dare to go in to Nell, and instead took herself to bed in silence.
Surprisingly enough, she did fall asleep, although this was not what she had expected after such a difficult day, culminating as it had in Herr Anserl’s disturbing revelation. Suddenly she was aware that she was awake, that she had been asleep for some time and that it was now very late. She had the impression that Nell had called her, but she could hear nothing. She lay still for a moment, and then slid out of bed as the conviction grew; Nell may not have called her, but nevertheless Hilda was certain that she needed her.
Swiftly and quietly, she made her way into Nell’s room. Nell was not in bed, but was sitting curled up in a chair by the window, her body rigid and unmoving, apart from one restless hand that toyed with the end of her heavy plait of hair. In the moonlight, she appeared robbed of all colour, and as she looked briefly at Hilda, the pallor and thinness of her face, and huge haunted grey eyes, combined with her white hair and nightdress, seemed oddly ethereal – almost ghostly. The thought came to Hilda that Nell resembled an eerie Rossetti* painting that she had once seen, but never forgotten, and she shivered. “Don’t be an idiot, Hilda!” she chided herself, and laid a gentle hand on Nell’s shoulder.
“Did you call me, Nell?”
“No,” replied Nell vaguely, “but I hoped that you would come.” Hilda knelt down, and looked at Nell; her eyes were disturbingly remote, and she did not seem fully aware of Hilda’s presence. After a moment, she moved Hilda’s hand away from her shoulder, and returned to her scrutiny of the garden, although Hilda was convinced that she saw nothing of the moonlit night. The scent of jasmine drifted through the open window, and it was so quiet that the sounds of small creatures rustling their way through the grass below could be heard. Hilda was suddenly reminded of Bramble, the half-wild grey tabby kitten that her brother John had found and presented to her so many years ago; at first the kitten had only wanted to run and hide when she came near it, but eventually her gentle coaxing had persuaded it that she meant no harm, and it had begun to trust her. “Just like Nell,” she thought, and the thought was encouraging. Leaning forward, she framed Nell’s face with her hands,
“Talk to me Nell,” she said softly.

* Ecce Ille Ancilla - Dante Gabriel Rossetti


Last edited by Cath V-P on Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:01 am; edited 1 time in total

 


#40:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 11:13 am


Thank you Cath. You are capturing the emotion and the atmosphere so well. Poor Nell but with Hilda's patience, love and care and the friendship of Vater Bar and Gwynneth I'm sure that she will given time recover.

 


#41:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 11:34 am


poor Nell, and Poor Hilda as well. I'm glad that she was able to get some rest before going in to Nell. Hopefully Nell will be able to respond to her appeal that she talk. Thanks Cath

 


#42:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:21 pm


Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#43:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:43 pm


Cath, I've just finished catching up on the bits of this I missed whilst I was away over the summer, and it's wonderful. It must be a draining and overwhelming story to write, but I think you're handling it incredibly well. Thank you.

 


#44:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:53 pm


Thank God that the connection between them is so strong that Hilda knows when Nell needs her. She must be feeling so helpless to see Nell like this. That reference to a Rosetti painting was very apt.

So moving, Cath, thank you.

 


#45:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 1:57 pm


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Hilda came when Nell needed her.

 


#46:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 2:19 pm


Quote:
Mary R said:Thank God that the connection between them is so strong that Hilda knowswhen Nell needs her.



Mary, your comment bears out so strongly my own feeling that these two are such complementary halves of a whole that they know this instinctively.

I really hope that Nell will be able to unburden herself to Hilda at this point; now that she has heard Vater Bar's account, she really needs to talk about it in order to understand fully what happened to her. But I do realise that she may need more than a single night's discussions to ease her mind. I just hope that she will come to terms with it eventually.

Cath, as always, this story is so moving to read and so entirely believable - I'm sure it continues to be hard for you to write it.

Thank you - and thanks to James for loaning you his computer.

 


#47:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 3:43 pm


Thanks Cath

 


#48:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:44 pm


Thank you Cath, you capture exactly how I see Hilda and Nell too.

 


#49:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:50 pm


Cath V-P wrote:
“Did you call me, Nell?”
“No,” replied Nell vaguely, “but I hoped that you would come.” ]


Beautiful. I hope now Nell has the strength and the confidence in Hilda to talk to her.

Thank you, Cath

 


#50:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 12:47 am


((((((((Cath)))))))))

This must be so draining to write, thankyou

 


#51:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 6:35 am


Thank you everyone; I have hijacked James's computer while he and his father are out at the university building a table for a confocal microscope.

And the next part...

Silently, Nell reached up to touch one of Hilda’s hands, then resumed her wordless contemplation of the moonlit garden. Patiently, Hilda waited, kneeling beside Nell, her hands now folded in her lap, sensing that Nell was searching for the words that she wanted. After what seemed almost forever, but could only have been a few minutes, Nell began speaking hesitantly. .
“When I was small . . . my father taught me about the stars; we used to go up on the moor and spend whole nights there just watching the sky. He would point out the constellations to me, chant their names, Cassiopeia, Orion, the Pleiades, Hydra, Auriga . . . and I would recite them back to him. He taught me that the darkness was a friend, and not to be feared. Hilda, for the last year, I haven’t been able to believe that. I have found that the night holds terrors that I had never dreamed of, and that there was no comfort anywhere. Even the beauty that I remembered was cold and threatening, and that lovely certainty and trust that I had always had was gone.” Her voice hardened and became edged with bitterness.
“I have dreaded each night, because my dreams were so frightening, and it takes so long for the dawn to come; the darkness is filled with shadows waiting for me. I don’t know what is worse: fighting sleep and waiting for the morning, or falling asleep and waking afraid.” She swallowed and fell silent, lost in the memory of a year of loneliness and fear. Hilda longed to comfort her, but sensed that Nell did not want that, not yet. Nell continued, her voice oddly detached, her attention still focussed on the garden.
“At least I know now what happened to me here. That was awful, not being able to work out why I couldn’t remember what had happened to me while I was in the San. And I couldn’t work out if I was better off not knowing, or whether I should write to someone and try to find out…and then I started to wonder whether something else had happened in Austria, something that I simply couldn’t bear to recall.” Hilda looked up, startled; she had not expected this, but given what Nell was telling her, it was a very reasonable reaction. Hurriedly, she reviewed Nell’s account of those horrifying days, then said reassuringly,
“Nell, I don’t believe there was anything else. There were no obvious gaps in what you said, except after what you witnessed in the garden – and I can well believe that your mind was in complete turmoil at that time, given what you had just seen, and what that evil man had suggested!” At Hilda’s final vehement words, Nell’s attention shifted briefly from the garden, and she smiled a little, although her eyes were still remote.
“It’s alright, Hilda; I don’t worry about that now – when I was able to tell you about it, that particular concern faded. But last year…” she put her hands to her mouth in a moment of silent misery. “Hilda, being afraid of everyone, not daring to trust them, is soul-destroying. It was as if a mocking demon had taken control of me; everything that anyone said or did, I couldn’t accept it at face value. They had to be hiding something, waiting to catch me out, to find out about me, so I was cynical and mocking in return, and they stayed away from me. I was safer that way.” She laughed grimly, then added, “When I saw Jem waiting on the quay side, it was as if all my nightmares had taken a human shape; I wanted to hide somewhere, or jump off the boat. Then I realised that he was nervous of me, and all I had to do was employ my famed sarcastic tongue and I’d be safe. And that’s exactly what I did, but -” her voice was low and ashamed –“it became a habit, and I couldn’t seem to stop. I was horrible to everyone – Con, Grizel, Simone, even you.”
“Yes, you were,” agreed Hilda quietly. “Sometimes, I couldn’t believe that it was you talking – you seemed so changed.” Nell nodded absently,
“Sometimes, it was as if it was a performance that I was watching,” she murmured. “Why on earth did you put up with me, Hilda?” Hilda’s eyes were very calm as she surveyed Nell,
“Because I knew, I just knew, that the real you, the Nell who is my friend, and who will always be my friend, was there, somewhere, and that you needed me.” The utter certainty in Hilda’s tones jolted Nell and she turned to regard Hilda, the cold remoteness leaving her eyes for the first time that night. She nodded,
“You were right, Hilda. I don’t know how you could know, but I did need you.” Then speaking with an effort, for this was not easy she continued, “Deep inside me, I did trust you, but I just couldn’t ask for help; I couldn’t risk losing anything more.”
“Oh, God, Nell, I’m so sorry; I should have been there for you.” Hilda’s voice was suddenly harsh with guilt, and her hands moved restlessly. Nell’s expression softened, and extending a hand, she tilted Hilda’s face up towards her.
“Don’t, Hilda, please don’t; you don’t have anything to feel guilty for.” Hilda shook her head,
“I should have done more – gone to Jem – insisted he told me things.” Nell laughed bitterly,
“I doubt very much that he would! After all, he only told Vater Bar after a certain amount of persuasion !”
“I suppose so, but I should still have tried.”
“No Hilda, the important thing is that you have been here for me, now and yesterday. I believe, I truly believe, that without you I would still be afraid and unhappy and getting more and more bitter.” Hilda looked at her, and Nell forestalled her question,
“Yes, it was a tremendous shock, hearing what Jem had done, and I really don’t know what I think about it. But maybe, just maybe, I can hope.” She got up, and moving to the window, stared out at the garden, whispered,
“It’s beautiful isn’t it, Hilda? Just for tonight, I can see that it’s beautiful, and I’m not afraid.”

 


#52:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 8:11 am


I am so glad that at last she feels she can hope.

How awful that her experiences destroyed her love of the night and the stars - and her explanation for her behaviour is so believable, so, so Nell.

But what a testament this is to their relationship, to what they mean to each other and do for each other.

Thank you, Cath

 


#53:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 11:07 am


Beautiful scene, showing exactly the wonderful relationship between two close friends - thank you for that, Cath.

 


#54:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 11:29 am


Lovely Cath, so in Nell's character for her to react like that - but I'm so pleased that, deep down, she hadn't stopped trusting Hilda.

This must be very draining for you emotionally. ((((Cath))))

 


#55:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 11:43 am


Lovely, Cath. Thanks.

 


#56:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 12:54 pm


Thanks, Cath. That was such a lovely scene.

 


#57:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 1:15 pm


Thank you Cath. So glad that Nell is beginning to trust again. Hope she carries on coming to terms with things.

 


#58:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 2:50 pm


Cath - this is so beautiful, and I'm almost lost for words. Thank goodness Hilda could sense, without words, that Nell needed her just then.

I hope that the fact that Nell has at last been able to open up in this way and to recognise that her earlier behaviour when she got back to the school was, indeed, so completely out of character means that she can finally begin to heal, even though we know that this can only be a slow, painful process.

Thank you for writing this - I'm sure each episode is more draining to write than the last.

 


#59:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:34 am


That was a beautiful scene.

Thank you.

 


#60:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 10:21 am


Just wow. So beautiful and so well done. Thank you Cath.

 


#61:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 10:28 am


Thanks Cath. I had a lot to read and it was all amazing and very moving.

 


#62:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 11:42 pm


Thank you all - and especially to whoever it was who deleted my second inadvertant posting. Don't know quite how that happened.Embarassed

I tried to post this last night, but for some reason, the Board was inaccessible, so here it is now. Enjoy!

Hilda got up and joined Nell at the window. Both women stood silently, hands clasped, looking at the shadowy garden below them. Nell gave a little sigh, and leaned further forward, standing on tiptoe in an effort to see the stars beyond the trees that blocked her view. Suddenly a completely unexpected idea popped into Hilda’s mind. “We couldn’t.” she thought. “Why not?” enquired a persuasive little voice. “People would see us.” “What people?” enquired the voice tellingly, and with a sudden little giggle, Hilda gave in, grasping Nell’s hand more tightly and pulling her away from the window.
“Nell! Come on!”
“What? Where are we going?”
“To the garden! I want you to tell me about the stars!” A slightly dazed Nell allowed Hilda to drag her out of the room and halfway down the corridor before she found the words to protest.
“Hilda! Have you gone mad? People will see us!” And just as the little voice had replied, so did Hilda,
“What people, Nell?” Nell opened her mouth, then fell silent, as the accuracy of Hilda’s remark hit her. A sudden mad delight, such as she had not known for a more than a year, filled her and catching up the slightly long hem of her nightdress, she ran down the corridor after Hilda, both of them blissfully unaware that Gwynneth was already moving to investigate the source of the noise.
Two minutes later, they were both outside the house, and standing on the terrace. Nell looked around and considered.
“We’re too near the house here, Hilda; we’ll have to go further away, or you won’t be able to see properly.”
“Come on then!” And Hilda ran down the terrace steps, laughing, with Nell in hot pursuit. Together they hurried through the garden, to where the trees were smaller and the ground was flat.
“I can’t believe your education has been so shamefully neglected,” remarked Nell suddenly, and Hilda grinned back unrepentantly.
“That’s what I thought when you told me that you hadn’t read Persuasion – and I soon put that right didn’t I? Now it’s your turn.” Nell laughed softly, then grew more serious.
“Ok, Hilda, stand here, by me. Now look across and past that tree standing by itself. Keep on looking up and you’ll see a very bright star that looks as if it’s by itself. It isn’t, but that doesn’t matter; got it yet?”
“Yes, Nell.”
“Good. Now follow along a line to its left, and you’ll see another star that matches it for brightness, and then if you come back again, there’ll be a third.”
“What constellation is that?”
“Actually, it isn’t one, it’s three: the Swan, the Eagle and the Lyre, but this is the easiest way to sort them out for you. Now, if you look at the area around the first star, you’ll see the rest of the constellation. You’ll have to stare hard; sometimes they can be a bit indistinct. Tell me when you can see the stars clearly.”
“Yes, Nell….”

It took precisely a minute and a half for Hilda to become thoroughly confused, but as by this time she was paying more attention to Nell than the stars above her, this was understandable. Nell talked her way across the sky, pointing out star after star, and as she did so, her voice became softer and happier, and her face more relaxed. After a time, her words slowed, and she smiled ruefully at Hilda,
“I’m sorry, I must have bewildered you. You should have stopped me, before I got carried away.” Hilda returned the smile,
“No, Nell, you were having such a splendid time, I couldn’t bear to interrupt you – and I have learned a lot.”
“I don’t think I’ll set you an exam just yet! Anyway, summer isn’t the best time for this sort of thing. When winter comes, I’ll take you - ”. She stopped, took a deep breath, then continued more seriously, “When winter comes, I’ll take you up to the moor above my cottage, and show you the stars on a frosty night.” Hilda’s smiled deepened and she took Nell’s hand,
“Thank you, Nell. I’ll keep you to that. And now I think it might be a good idea to go in. I’ve no idea what the time is, but I do know that both our alarms are set for six-thirty.”
“Whatever for?”
“To allow us time to get ready for Mass without too much rush.”
“What time is the service?”
“Eight o’clock in summer, and we have to go in to Peterport.”
“Oh, I see…six-thirty it is then.”

By now they had crossed the lawn and were proceeding up the terrace steps, walking rather more carefully than they had twenty minutes earlier. Halfway up, Hilda suddenly had a vision of what Gwynneth would say if she saw them, and started to giggle.
“What’s the matter?” asked Nell.
“It’s just – I was wondering just what Gwynneth would say if she were here now!” Nell stared at her in consternation,
“Don’t even think it! I don’t think we’d be allowed to live it down. Can you just imagine it -”
“What on earth do the pair of you think you’re doing out here at this hour?” demanded the well-known voice, and both Hilda and Nell stopped short in horror. Light flooded the terrace and Gwynneth appeared at the French windows.
“Do you two know what time it is? And what - where are your slippers? And your dressing gowns?” Guiltily, the two started across the terrace towards the house, but had only taken a couple of steps when Nell, forgetting that she was wearing a slightly-too-long nightdress, trod on the hem, staggered forward, bumping into Hilda, who in turn lost her balance and both of them finished up on the ground in an ungainly heap which Gwynneth regarded in silence.
“Get up!” was all she said, and sheepishly Hilda and Nell obeyed her, the latter muttering something which sounded to Hilda remarkably like “She can probably hear the bloody grass grow!” - an utterance which reduced Hilda to ill-concealed hysteria. As they stepped into the house, Gwynneth surveyed them with twitching lips, but made no comment. In total silence, she led the way back upstairs ignoring the stifled laughter behind her, and as they reached Hilda’s door, turned to the two and delivered a final instruction.
“Go to bed, children!” was all she said. Then as they slipped past her to their rooms, she added, "Next time you don't want me to find out what you're up to, don't gallop past my door like a herd of baby hippos and expect me to sleep through it. And Nell - I think you'll find my hearing is excellent!"

 


#63:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 1:16 am


Wonderful, Cath. The fact that Nell took so little convincing to go out and show Hilda the stars in the middle of the night, can only mean something positive in her progress back to normal, can't it?

But the encounter with Gwynneth was something else - I nearly fell off my chair laughing! I can just hear her going on at them as if they were a pair of naughty middles!

Please let this be the real beginning of the 'onward and upward' swing for Nell.

Thank you for this. Incidentally, I think the board *was* indeed inaccessible at the time of night you and I are usually posting - I was looking, too and there were no posts at all after 12:20 am BST.

 


#64:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 4:56 am


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Love it, wonderful Matey.

And also love that nell can now look forward to Winter and the dark and feel comfortable enough to invite Hilda to her cottage.

Thanks Cath.

 


#65:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:49 am


Laughing Laughing at their visions of Matey!

Thanks Cath. Lovely! Very Happy

 


#66:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 7:07 am


Thanks, Cath, that was lovely. I appreciate your juxtaposition of tender moments and laugh-out-loud humour. This was the bit that reduced me to unseemly public giggling:

Cath V-P wrote:


“ the latter muttering something which sounded to Hilda remarkably like “She can probably hear the bloody grass grow!” - "


And Hilda isn't listening to a single word of Nell's lecture is she? just enjoying having the old Nell back. Beautiful.

Now where is vega of the lyre always mentioned? she mutters to herself. Emily of New Moon, from memory. More rereads....

 


#67:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 7:28 am


What a wonderful scene, and a brilliant inspiration from Hilda to take Nell that one step further. And doesn't the whole thing show just how young they still are - and impetuous - and *giggly*

And how Nell is regaining her usual sarcasm, without the acid that was so hurtful - finding her true self, as Hilda encourages her in so many ways.

And Matey.... Laughing Laughing

 


#68:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:25 am


Cath V-P wrote:
“Go to bed, children!” was all she said. Then as they slipped past her to their rooms, she added, "Next time you don't want me to find out what you're up to, don't gallop past my door like a herd of baby hippos and expect me to sleep through it. And Nell - I think you'll find my hearing is excellent!"


I love this paragraph! Thanks Cath!

 


#69:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 10:33 am


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Hilda has cheered up Nell even more. I loved the scene where Matey told Hilda and Nell off! I sometimes wonder who is in charge out of the three of them!

 


#70:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 11:09 am


Lovely, thank you Cath.

 


#71:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 11:12 am


That was a WONDERFUL post Cath! Thank you!!!

 


#72:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:07 pm


Wonderful Cath - thank you

Gwynneth is brilliant - I bet she had an idea what was going on, but waited her moment before putting in an appearance.

Liz

 


#73:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:29 pm


How wonderful that Nell is beginning to hope and trust and enjoy life again. Giggled madly at those two behaving like children, and Metey treating them like that. Very Happy I can hardly believe that all this has happened in about two days. Hilda has helped Nell so much.
Thank you Cath.

 


#74:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 10:35 am


Thank you all - glad you enjoyed that! Yes, it is only two days, although it seems to have taken forever (about two months of my time!). I wasn't going to post yet, but this bit is ready, and everyone seems to have been good, so....Very Happy

Standing once again in Nell’s room, Hilda and Nell stared at one another doubtfully. Suddenly Hilda was seized with the memory of Gwynneth’s sudden appearance on the terrace, and began to giggle uncontrollably. After a moment, Nell also gave way to the laughter that had been threatening to choke her, and the two clung together helplessly.
“Her timing,” moaned Hilda. “She must have been waiting for us -”
“And that comment about her hearing,” gasped Nell. “She’ll never forgive me.”
“No, she probably won’t,” agreed Hilda. “And what possessed you to trip over like that?”
“It was an accident!”
“Yes, well, accident or not, I noticed you were very careful to land on me!” Nell stopped laughing and surveyed Hilda anxiously.
“Are you alright? Did I hurt you?” Hilda sighed, then grinned,
“No, you didn’t – other than emptying my lungs unexpectedly! I suppose we should have realised she’d hear us, but-”
“But I haven’t had fun like that for so long.” Nell’s words hung in the air, and Hilda felt an unexpected jolt of pain.
“We’ll have a lot more fun, Nell, I promise,” she said softly. Then, catching sight of the clock, she gave a yelp of horror, “Nell, it’s nearly quarter to two. We must get some sleep, otherwise we’ll be no use to anyone tomorrow.”
“It is tomorrow,” remarked Nell yawning slightly, “But I take your point.” Hilda watched her get slowly into bed, and turned to go to her own room. Then she swung round again.
“Nell, you will be alright, won’t you?” she asked shyly. “Would you like me to stay with you? I will if you need me.” After a moment, Nell shook her head, her expression slightly wondering, and her eyes soft and luminous, as they had not been for so long.
“No, Hilda, for some reason, I think that tonight I will be undisturbed. God has given me a lovely gift, and I am very fortunate . . .” Her voice trailed off, and she settled herself in bed, turning so that she could see the window. Hilda waited a moment, then, as she had done last night, she touched Nell’s cheek gently, while murmuring a prayer. Nell smiled sleepily, and Hilda left her, knowing with certainty that for this one night at least, Nell’s dreams would be peaceful.

Ten past seven found Hilda and Nell waiting at the foot of the stairs where they had agreed to meet Herr Anserl, who also intended to attend Mass with them. Although somewhat shadowy around the eyes, they were immaculately attired, Hilda in deep rose pink and Nell in lavender and white, and looked most professional, although Nell was very quiet, and her face was wary. Five minutes later, Herr Anserl appeared, punctual to the moment – and accompanied by a genial Gwynneth!
“”You both look very smart this morning,” she said, casting an approving eye on them, “although you do both seem to be rather tired,” she added pointedly. At these words, Hilda gasped, and Nell turned pink, but neither could find a suitable response. “I’ll see you at breakfast,” Gwynneth continued, “Hurry along girls, or you’ll be late.” Exchanging eloquent glances, they followed Herr Anserl to the door, Nell muttering gloomily, “I told you she wouldn’t let us forget it!” as she went. At the bottom of the steps, Herr Anserl turned to assist them into the car, then settled himself in the back remarking with a twinkle as he did so,
“I understand that the Matron found two naughty children playing in the garden last night!”

As they approached St Peter Port, Hilda was uneasily aware that Nell had grown very quiet and a quick sidelong glance revealed that she was clearly very tense, sitting with her head downbent and her hands tightly clasped.
“Alright, Nell?” she murmured. Nell nodded, her lips pressed together. “It’s been a long time, Hilda,” she said finally.
“I know,” Hilda replied soothingly. “But you will find that He has been waiting for you.” Nell nodded again, and as Hilda had to concentrate on her driving, nothing more was said for the moment. It was not until they were approaching the church of St Joseph and St Mary that Nell made any other response. As they walked up the path to the blue granite building, her steps became slower, and finally she stopped,
“Hilda I can’t,” she whispered. Hilda stared at her for a moment, then put her hand under Nell’s elbow, pushing her gently forward,
“Yes, you can,” she replied. “Nell, you have to, it’s the only way.” At this, Herr Anserl, who had been walking slightly ahead of them, turned round and rejoined them.
“Come here, child,” he said quietly, and held out his arm to Nell. Nell hesitated and then, as she had done in Paris, she allowed him to tuck her arm into his and accompanied him trustinglyinto the church. Hilda followed them, blinking back tears.

 


#75:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 11:21 am


Thank you Cath. I love the giggles of Hilda and Nell at what had happened in the garden and then Gwynneth's oh so understated comment in the morning - she'd obviously been telling tales too! *g* But poor Nell still so scared to go to Mass - thank God for Hilda and Vater Bar to help.

ETC: my awful typing- twice.


Last edited by Nell on Thu Sep 22, 2005 1:05 pm; edited 2 times in total

 


#76:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 12:04 pm


Once again, so many contrasts within a single episode, Cath - and such poignant proof of Nell's continued fragility as she approaches the church and the time for attending Mass grows closer.

Clearly, had she been with Hilda alone, she would still have 'duffed' when she got to the door, and turned away. Thank goodness Vater Bar was there with them to escort her in.

Hoping that this is another milestone on Nell's road to returning serenity.

Thank you.

 


#77:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 1:20 pm


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Hilda encouraged Nell to go to church.

 


#78:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 2:38 pm


What a wonderful, beautiful episode, Cath, so full of love and tenderness and humour - and tension still in Nell.

God bless Herr Anserl whom she trusts so much.

But Hilda it is who has it so right - *You will find that He has been waiting for you*

Thank you, Cath.

I see you snook in all those details about their clothes Laughing

 


#79:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 6:26 pm


Thanks Cath

I love your Herr Anserl - he is such a rock.

Liz

 


#80:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 6:55 pm


Wonderful contrasts, from the giggling and teasing, to Hilda's statement of Faith, to Nell's (Nell's!?!!!) unquestioning following of orders from the 'father figure' Vater Bar.

Thank you Cath.

 


#81:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 10:54 pm


A lovely episode in the garden but such a change in Nell when she arrived at the Church. I hope Vater Bar will be able to help her through this crisis of faith.

Thank you, Cath

 


#82:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 9:16 am


*Also loving Herr Anserl* I always had a soft spot for him, but I like him even more now! Very Happy

Quote:
“I understand that the Matron found two naughty children playing in the garden last night!”



Laughing Laughing

Hope going to the church helps Nell.

Thanks Cath, fab as ever.

 


#83:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 12:52 pm


Thank you for your comments; yes, Herr Anserl came walking into this and has just got better and better. And, he seems to be giving me his story too - for the future! Now, next part - shortish, but crucial - I hope I have it right.


Inside, Herr Anserl had wisely found seats near one of the side aisles, and was already thumbing his way through his Missal. As Hilda sat down beside her, Nell jumped slightly, and Hilda closed her eyes for a moment, praying for strength and grace to be given to Nell, that she would be able to find the comfort she needed. Then she glanced quickly round the church, noting with relief that, with the exceptions of Nell and Herr Anserl, the rest of the congregation were strangers to her. “Thank goodness”, she thought. “Dealing with Jo or even Robin this morning would be rather too much.” She turned her attention back to Nell who was sitting very still, her breathing a little uneven. Hilda touched her arm gently, but Nell ignored her. Under the brim of her hat, her face was not clearly visible. Hilda exchanged a worried glance with Herr Anserl, who touched a finger to his lips and mouthed the word, “Later.” Hilda nodded, then hearing the familiar words, “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti” turned her attention to the service, all the while never losing her awareness of Nell.
.
As Hilda had surmised, Nell was becoming increasingly distraught; she had followed Herr Anserl to their seats, and initially appeared outwardly calm, but now a familiar feeling of panic was building inside her. Hilda’s words, “Nell, you have to, it’s the only way” echoed in her mind again and again, and she forced herself to remain still, knowing that Hilda was right. “God, help me,” she prayed desperately, and was vaguely aware that the service was beginning. In a frantic attempt at banishing the encroaching darkness, she fixed her eyes on the dancing candle flames on the high altar, but they seemed to become increasingly distant. To her utter horror, she was beginning to hear again, as she had so often before, that mocking voice asking its endlessly reiterated question, “Fraulein, what would you do?” and the terrible scalding humiliation and guilt burned in her afresh. “Help me!” she prayed again, and even as the priest’s words of “Quare me repulisti”* resounded in her mind, a comforting hand closed on her arm, and the darkness within lightened a little. She became aware that Hilda was there, beside her, and she heard her own voice, like that of a stranger, uttering the responses. Then everything was gone, she was abandoned, and alone, unable to think or speak…. Only the voice remained, the words of the Sanctus dropping into the darkness like cool water in a desert, bringing relief.

Nell opened her eyes and forced herself to look at the priest as he raised the Host with the familiar and inspiring words, “Hoc est enim corpus meum”, and as the words crashed into her mind, Nell felt herself tremble and she knew, with absolute certainty, that she could not reject this, that it was not (and had never been) simply a question of belief, that this was woven into her very being, and that if she did not respond now, then that self would be torn apart. “No,” she thought with horror and amazement, “I will not let that happen; I will not let him win.” In this last resort, it was very simple, an invitation to be accepted, an offering to be made. She realised that Herr Anserl was in front of her, asking her wordlessly to accompany him, and rose slowly to her feet, following him toward the altar, toward the Light, toward her Lord.

*Why hast thou forsaken me...

 


#84:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 1:11 pm


I'm so glad she can finally find comfort. Herr Anserl has been wonderful to Nell; it will be nice to hear his story as well. Well done, Cath.

 


#85:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 1:14 pm


Thank you Cath, beautiful writing

 


#86:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 1:47 pm


He hasn't forsaken you, Nell, any more than you forsook Him. Who sent you Herr Anserl? Who made sure that, in the end, Hilda was there to bring you back to life? Who gave you the courage to survive?

And as you have realised, Nell, your faith is what makes you the person you are - cut that out of your life and you diminish yourself.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..... Even if a mother should forget her child, I will never forget you. I have written your name on the palms of My hands."

 


#87:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 3:15 pm


Cath - I had tears in my eyes by the end of this. You had it just right.

Thank Heaven that Nell could draw on the strength being willed into her by both Herr Anserl and Hilda, hear the priest's words, understand at last that her faith remained an inescapable part of her life and, from deep inside herself, find the courage to accept it back again. To move from the terror she felt on the church steps to this point in the course of a single Mass simply confirms to me, at least, (and most of you know that I'm not a Catholic) that her innately strong faith was 'not dead, only sleeping,' though overwhelmed by what she had endured.

A beautiful piece of writing. Thank you.

 


#88:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 4:09 pm


Beautiful, Cath. I also had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as that scene progressed. The whole passage really was exquisite, from Nell's initial torment, to her realisation that she had to let God back in to save herself. Thank you.

 


#89:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 5:14 pm


Beautiful

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#90:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 12:53 am


Thank you, Cath - was beautiful, as Liz said.

Am so glad you're going to show us more of Vater Bar's story in the future. Smile

 


#91:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 4:53 am


Beautiful, Cath!

Rather scarily given how long it's been since the "Quare me repulisti" bit has been in use, I found myself automatically continuing the "prayers at the foot of the altar" -- and can see them lightening things briefly. Next, of course, came the Confiteor -- and I figured that was when Nell's demons ratcheted up.

 


#92:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 4:39 pm


Thanks Cath - you showed Nell's torment so well.

 


#93:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 5:41 pm


So beautiful Cath. Both the bit in Nell's room (the light in Nell's eyes!) and her finding her faith again had tears in my eyes. Thank you.

 


#94:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:52 pm


Thank you all so much for your lovely comments - I do appreciate them.

Next part:

While Hilda was focussing on the start of the service, she was, nevertheless, acutely aware of Nell standing beside her, tense and silent. She had been to enough Catholic services in Europe for the Mass to have become completely familiar to her, and always appreciated the tradition and the beauty of the Ritual. Suddenly she was jolted by the realisation that Nell was in great need of comfort, though she could not have said just how she knew this – Nell had said nothing and made no movement of entreaty. Nonetheless, Hilda understood that Nell needed her, now, and in response put her hand on Nell’s arm. Nell said nothing, did not even glance her way, but Hilda felt her relax slightly. As the Mass progressed, she became aware that Nell had begun to join in softly with the responses, her voice becoming firmer each time she spoke. The words of the Consecration were spoken and Hilda felt Nell shiver slightly and then it was time for Communion and Hilda held her breath as those in front of them made their way up to the altar. Now Herr Anserl was on his feet, holding out his arm to Nell who remained motionless for a moment, until, like a sleepwalker, she took his arm and followed him toward the altar. Tears dazzled Hilda, and she breathed a prayer of utmost thankfulness, her hand straying to the crucifix that she had worn for the last year. “I can give you back now,” she thought joyfully.

After the service finished, Nell scarcely waited for the final procession before she got up, and made her way swiftly into the Lady Chapel, her rosary clasped in her hand. Hilda watched her, but did not follow, recognising that Nell needed to be alone for a little while. Turning her head, she encountered Herr Anserl’s watchful gaze,
“That is good,” he said approvingly, and patted Hilda on the shoulder. “We will leave her for a little,” he added, and Hilda smiled in agreement.
“Vater Bar,” she said softly, “Thank you for being here for her this morning. Without you, I don’t believe she would have come into the building-”
“And without you, she would have fled in terror,” Herr Anserl interrupted. “God brought us both here for her, because He knew she needed us.”
“Yes, He did,” Hilda agreed, her glance straying in the direction of the Lady Chapel. She could just see Nell lighting a candle, and leaning forward to place it in a holder.
“Don’t worry Fraulein Hilda,” said Herr Anserl softly. “It will take time, but she will be again the Fraulein Nell that we know.” There was a soft cough behind them and they turned to see the priest who had conducted the service standing there.
“Good morning to both of you, and welcome to Guernsey and to the Church of St Joseph and St Mary” he said courteously. “At least, I assume that you are new to the island?” he added questioningly. Herr Anserl nodded,
“I arrived here yesterday,” he said, and the priest looked faintly puzzled.
“But, pardon me sir, your face is familiar to me – have we met somewhere before?” Herr Anserl ruminated for a moment, then shook his head,
“I do not think so; as I said, I am only recently arrived in Guernsey. My name is Anserl -”
“Herr Anserl?” exclaimed the priest excitedly. “Not Herr Karl Anserl? But of course, I remember you – from before the last War when I was studying in Paris. I heard you play at the Conservatoire several times in early 1911, then after the War, nothing.”
“I had returned to Austria two years before the War,” replied the old man, flushing slightly, as Hilda turned to look at him. The priest included her in his response,
“I heard your – this gentleman – play in Paris before the War, and always wondered what became of him. I was a student at the time, and never forgot it. That second Rachmaninoff – brilliant, brilliant…” He shook his head, and Hilda listened in delight, realising suddenly how comparatively little she knew of Herr Anserl’s life before the school’s establishment in Austria.
“That was a very long time ago,” Herr Anserl remarked firmly, “And now I am a teacher and delighted to be such.”
“And what brings you to Guernsey, Herr Anserl?” asked the priest, following the old man’s lead and moving the conversation away from the past.
“I am employed at the school that is to open at Sarres on Thursday.”
“The school that has come from Austria? There has been a lot of talk about it – and of course the Sanatorium. I understand that they are owned and managed by the same family?”
“Yes, that is so – and Father, may I now introduce you to Fraulein Hilda Annersley, Headmistress of the Chalet School. The Senior Mistress, Fraulein Helena Wilson is in the Lady Chapel.” Smiling, Hilda shook hands with the priest, and answered his queries about the school with her usual dignified serenity. After five minutes, she heard the sound of approaching footsteps and excusing herself from the conversation went to join Nell. The priest watched her depart, then smiled deprecatingly at Herr Anserl.
“I must apologise, Herr Anserl; I assumed that one at least of these ladies was your daughter – or at the very least related to you.” Herr Anserl shook his head as he watched Hilda and Nell walk quietly out of the church.
“No, not daughters,” he said quietly, “But family, yes.”

 


#95:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:59 pm


Cath V-P wrote:
The priest watched her depart, then smiled deprecatingly at Herr Anserl.
“I must apologise, Herr Anserl; I assumed that one at least of these ladies was your daughter – or at the very least related to you.” Herr Anserl shook his head as he watched Hilda and Nell walk quietly out of the church.
“No, not daughters,” he said quietly, “But family, yes.”


How wonderful and moving.... thank you Cath

 


#96:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:59 pm


What a lovely EBD-esque coincidence.

And wonderful last line Smile

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#97:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:20 pm


I only have one word........







....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww!!


Thank you Cath!

 


#98:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:33 pm


Quote:
“God brought us both here for her, because He knew she needed us.”


Cath, the simplicity and truth of Herr Anserl's statement almost reduced me to tears. Thank heaven, Nell will now begin to heal properly, even though the process will take time.

Quote:
“I must apologise, Herr Anserl; I assumed that one at least of these ladies was your daughter – or at the very least related to you.” Herr Anserl shook his head as he watched Hilda and Nell walk quietly out of the church.
“No, not daughters,” he said quietly, “But family, yes.”


How sad and wonderful at the same time - sad because none of his 'blood' family are left to him, but wonderful that the school has now become his family, so he does not feel left alone.

A truly, though quietly, triumphant piece, Cath - thank you.

 


#99:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:33 pm


Thankyou for bringing Nell safely through all that has happened so far Cath, for giving her such allies as Hilda and Vater Bar. How nice that the priest should remember him, and that Herr Anserl should be happy enough to call both of the ladies his family. And so Hilda feels that Nell is finally ready to receive her crucifix, that would be a lovely scene - though Nell may well find it difficult.

Thanks again Cath

 


#100:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:40 pm


Cath V-P wrote:
Tears dazzled Hilda, and she breathed a prayer of utmost thankfulness, her hand straying to the crucifix that she had worn for the last year. “I can give you back now,” she thought joyfully.


So beautiful, so tender, so absolutely right.

Nell would indeed have *fled in terror* but for Hilda - not just outside the church, but for the rest of her life - if Hilda had not had the understanding and bravery over the last days to stand up to her, force her to face her nightmares and rediscover her own bravery. And Hilda is so exquisitely in tune with Nell that she knows from moment to moment just when she is needed.

And Herr Anserl? A true spiritual father to two courageous *daughters*

 


#101:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:50 pm


Lovely Herrr Anserl, and beautidul last line.

Thanks Cath.

 


#102:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 3:25 pm


Cath that was wonderful, thank you. And isn't Herr Anserl fab?

 


#103:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 7:19 pm


Wonderful post, Cath, and like many, absolutely loved the last line - so apt. Glad Hilda now feels able to return the crucifix - looking forward to that scene among many.

Thanks you.

 


#104:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:54 am


Thanks Cath. I can only echo everyone elses comments - and add that I'm intrigued. Why had I never considered that the intensely musical, temperamental Herr Anserl may have been a famous pianist?

 


#105:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:22 pm


Miss Di wrote:
Why had I never considered that the intensely musical, temperamental Herr Anserl may have been a famous pianist?



It had never occurred to me either, but it seems so RIGHT, somehow. Thank you Cath!

 


#106:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:10 am


This aspect of Herr Anserl's past hadn't occurred to me either until recently - and it was a bit of a shock when the idea wouldn't go away. Onward we go and a bit of a relief here.

Nell said very little on the way back to the School, and Hilda did not urge her to talk. Instead she and Herr Anserl conversed quietly of the Europe that they had known and left behind; they avoided mention of Germany and what seemed so sadly inevitable now, but concentrated instead on the places that they had both visited at different times in their lives. In the course of the conversation, Hilda learned a little more of Herr Anserl’s career and began to realise just how exceptionally fortunate the School had been to secure his services. He had toured widely throughout Europe, playing with the most prestigious orchestras, and it was plain to Hilda that he had been a pianist of the highest calibre. It was also equally plain that the personal ambitions that might once have driven him had given way to a desire to impart whatever he could of his knowledge and God-given love of music to others.
“I have been blessed, although it has not always seemed so,” he said finally, in response to a shy query from Hilda about his return to Austria before the War. “I was given a gift and the opportunity to use it, and yes, I was amply rewarded for this. Then, when all this ceased to have meaning, I found that I was later able to pass on something of what I had learned to my students.”
“And they have been fortunate in such a teacher, Vater Bar,” replied Hilda. Beside her, Nell nodded in agreement.


Back at the school, the three found Gwynneth waiting for them.
“I was expecting you back a bit earlier than this,” was her opening remark. “Breakfast is rapidly turning into lunch – no, you two, go and change out of your good clothes first.” Hilda and Nell stopped, identical expressions of outrage adorning their faces.
“Really, Gwynneth,” said Hilda, finally finding her voice, “we’re not six, you know!” Gwynneth simply smiled pleasantly and gestured towards the stairs.
“Off you go!” she said firmly, fixing them with a stare. “And Nell – don’t forget to put your hat away properly!”
“I told you,” muttered Nell crossly as they made their reluctant way to their rooms. Hilda cast a sidelong look at her, then said,
“But she’s enjoying herself so much, it seems a shame to spoil it!”
“Hah!”

However, once changed into less formal clothes and downstairs again, they found that Gwynneth seemed to have abandoned her teasing mood, and the breakfast conversation was quiet and cheerful. Hilda noticed that Gwynneth was observing Nell throughout the meal and came to the conclusion that Herr Anserl must have told her something of what had happened during Mass, although by unspoken consent the subject was not raised.
“And now what?” asked Hilda as the maids cleared the table after the meal. “It’s almost half-past ten, and I imagine that our absent colleagues will start returning soon after lunch – their lunch that is, because I really can’t imagine wanting to eat anything more until teatime!” At this, Gwynneth looked up,
“Well if nobody has any objections, I’m going to spend the rest of the morning reading – if I don’t finish that book before term starts, then heaven knows when I’ll get the chance – and since you two seemed to get precious little sleep last night, I wouldn’t plan on anything too strenuous if I were you.” At this Herr Anserl laughed softly, and both he and Gwynneth were rewarded with identical frosty stares from Hilda and Nell.
“You will find me in the hall if I am needed,” he said, and left the room; five minutes the sounds of scales were faintly audible.
“He’s settled, anyway,” said Nell. “Hilda, I’m going to fetch a book and my knitting and I’m going to sit in the garden.” A small silence greeted this remark, and Nell flushed slightly, then Hilda said approvingly,
“What a good idea Nell. I’ll join you.” As they went upstairs, she and Gwynneth exchanged triumphant glances.

 


#107:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:39 am


Cath V-P wrote:

Hilda cast a sidelong look at her, then said,
“But she’s enjoying herself so much, it seems a shame to spoil it!”
“Hah!”

.
“Hilda, I’m going to fetch a book and my knitting and I’m going to sit in the garden.” A small silence greeted this remark, and Nell flushed slightly, then Hilda said approvingly,
“What a good idea Nell. I’ll join you.” As they went upstairs, she and Gwynneth exchanged triumphant glances.


Wonderful, wonderful Matey - as Hilda appreciates, and doesn't want to spoil her fun. Laughing

And those bells must be ringing inside Hilda as Nell suddenly accepts that the garden is beginning to lose its terrors for her.

A sweet, gentle interlude, Cath, bless you.

 


#108:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:50 am


Laughing at Matey

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#109:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 11:06 am


Cath I've just read the last three posts and they were all wonderful and so beautiful. It's great to hear more about Herr Ansel and to see Nell's acceptance of her Lord and his love for her. I also love the humour added by Gwynneth's teasing and the signs that Nell's terrors are starting to receed. Those bells must be pealing louder and louder.

 


#110:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:37 pm


A gentle interlude indeed - but so many positive signs of Nell's continuing improvement underly it, too, especially the thought that the garden has lost its terror for her. Hilda must indeed be able to hear the bells ringing.

Loved Gwynneth's teasing, too. And what Herr Anserl tells about his professional career fits so well with so much that changed after the advent of Hitler. Quite apart from his vital role in this particular story, the school is indeed fortunate to have him.

What bets that both Hilda and Nell are asleep within five minutes of retiring to the garden with their books and knitting?

Thanks Cath.

 


#111:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:39 pm


I love Matey in this! very sly of her & Nell! Wink Laughing

Thanks Cath.

 


#112:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 5:42 pm


Lovely interlude Cath - and Matey is wonderful.

Thank you. Laughing

 


#113:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 10:33 pm


A lovely easing of tension there in that last post, Cath. I appreciate matron teasing. And the way Herr Anserl's character is developing is lovely to see.

Thank you.

 


#114:  Author: Guest PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 5:35 am


Thank you all for your comments; sorry for the slight delay - it's school holidays here at the moment . . . . Rolling Eyes


“Hilda?”
“Mmm?”
“May I ask you something?”
“You just have!”
“You know what I mean, idiot!” Hilda chuckled, but seeing that Nell was serious, put her book down, prepared to pay attention to her friend. The two of them had been out in the garden for almost an hour, Hilda reading and Nell knitting. Conversation had been desultory, and for the last ten minutes or so, they had been silent, although Nell had evidently been pondering something.
“Alright, ask away.” Nell did not immediately ask her question, sitting for a moment pleating the hem of her dress between her fingers. Then,
“Hilda, last night…how did you know?”
“Know what?”
“That you could drag me out into the garden at some ridiculous hour, and ask me to talk to you about the stars…and know that I would be able to go with you?” Hilda smiled at her,
“I just knew that you would come.” She leaned forward, propping her chin on her hand. “I can’t really tell you how I knew,” she said, thoughtfully. “But suddenly the idea came to me and I was absolutely certain that the time was right.” Nell’s grey eyes shone softly.
“Just as you knew I needed help this morning? And last night, that I needed to tell you that I was able to hope again? Hilda, God sent you to me – just as he sent Vater Bar – because you were the only person who could reach me, and you have been there for all those moments when I have been so desperate and so frightened.”
“I’m your friend, Nell – remember?” Nell nodded,
“For a while, I wasn’t sure, but now I know that you were and are my friend- despite everything.”
“Many waters cannot quench love,” murmured Hilda; and she heard that peal of bells again while a voice in her mind whispered joyfully, “Now!”

Obediently, Hilda turned to Nell, saying as she did so,
“Close your eyes and hold out your hand; I’ve got something for you.” Nell looked enquiringly at her, but did as she had asked. Hilda reached round her neck and slipped off the crucifix that she had worn for so long. “Here you are,” she said softly, closing Nell’s fingers round it. Nell’s eyes flew open and she stared at the crucifix with an expression of incredulous delight.
“My crucifix! Oh, Hilda!” Tears brimmed in her eyes and her mouth quivered. “I thought it was lost…” The tears spilled over and she wiped them away with an impatient hand. Hilda leaned across and hugged her.
“Dear Nell, I’ve worn it since Jo gave it to me, the evening she arrived in Guernsey. She was ill in Switzerland and then Paris, so she and Jack were delayed, and by the time I was able to see her, you’d gone back to London.” Nell made no reply; she was still staring at the crucifix, her other hand pressed to her mouth. Hilda continued quietly, “I suppose I could have posted it to you, but - forgive me Nell - I wasn’t sure whether you would have wanted it then. Besides, you sent me a message, and I wanted you to fulfil it.” Nell did not reply at once, but simply closed her hands tightly about the crucifix. She shut her eyes briefly, then said,
“Hilda, I thought it was gone for ever. I know I gave it to Jo, but - well, I thought she might have lost it in the final stages of their escape. I didn’t remember about it for a while,” she added hastily, “and then I refused to think about it; it was just something else that I’d lost, and thinking about it was too painful and complicated.”
Hilda swallowed the lump in her throat, recalling the evening that a weary white-faced Jo had given her Nell’s crucifix and message. For a moment she heard Jo’s voice,
“ She knew the risk she was running, but we couldn’t stop her . . .” She pushed the memory away, as Nell said,
“Father gave it to me when I made my First Communion – he got one for Cherry too, at the same time. We always wore them, you know: mine almost became part of me.”
“And you sent it to me,” said Hilda wonderingly. Nell smiled lovingly at her,
“Who else? I knew that if I didn’t manage to get out of Austria, you would keep it safely.”
“I would have kept it always, Nell.”
“I know.” For a moment, they were quiet, then Nell said wistfully,
“You know, Hilda, if I had been able to choose just one thing of all the keepsakes and photos that I valued, it would have this – and here it is.” She smiled happily again, but Hilda sat silent, an unpleasant suspicion creeping into her mind. Suddenly she jumped to her feet,
“Stay here!”
“What?”
“Stay here –I’ve just thought of something!”
“But what -”
“Don’t argue Nell, just stay here. Look at my books or something!” And she was off, running towards the house, calling “Gwynneth! Gwynneth!” as she went.

 


#115:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 5:38 am


Yeah, ok, sorry - connection was severed and I forgot to log in again... Embarassed

 


#116:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:21 am


Oh! What has struck Hilda now? That was a lovely scene Cath, Thankyou. It was great to see the two of them together. *sits down on the edge of the cliff and waits to see what will hapen next*

 


#117:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:54 am


Thanks Cath

*Wonders what Hilda has though of...*

 


#118:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 8:24 am


“I’m your friend, Nell – remember?” Nell nodded,
“For a while, I wasn’t sure, but now I know that you were and are my friend- despite everything.”
“Many waters cannot quench love,” murmured Hilda; and she heard that peal of bells again while a voice in her mind whispered joyfully, “Now!”


That part was very moving, Cath.

And I am so glad that Nell is able to appreciate just how much Hilda has been there for her, how much she loves and understands her, how in tune they are to each other.

But, oh, what awful thing has Hilda just thought of?

Thanks, Cath

(Apologies for blue writing, but those quote boxes just refuse to work for me more than one time out of ten. Embarassed )

 


#119:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:04 am


Anonymous wrote:

“Many waters cannot quench love,” murmured Hilda; and she heard that peal of bells again while a voice in her mind whispered joyfully, “Now!”


Like Mary, I think that is a beautiful and extremely moving line. Perfect, to the last word. The whole scene has a kind of joy to it, but I'm worrying about Hilda's unpleasant suspicion.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#120:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:30 am


Quote:
unpleasant suspicion


That does not bode well. Confused

Lovely scene up to that point though, Cath - and love Hilda's thoughts on friendship.

 


#121:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 12:44 pm


This is such a lovely scene, Cath, as Nell awakens to the full realisation that Hilda really was 'there' for her throughout, even when she herself could not be sure of it. No wonder Hilda heard those bells ringing again.

But what awful thought has struck her now? If you love us, please don't keep us perched on this cliff for too long!

 


#122:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 3:42 pm


Thanks, Cath!

*hopes the unpleasant suspicion isn't as bad as it sounds*
(and that this was the drabble in which people were asked to pack personal items of those absent, before the Gestapo came)

 


#123:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 3:47 pm


Kathy_S wrote:
(and that this was the drabble in which people were asked to pack personal items of those absent, before the Gestapo came)


Actually, Kathy, that wasn't a drabble! Wink

 


#124:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 4:19 pm


Lesley wrote:
Kathy_S wrote:
(and that this was the drabble in which people were asked to pack personal items of those absent, before the Gestapo came)


Actually, Kathy, that wasn't a drabble! Wink

Embarassed Oops! pp. 139-140. Sorry, Lesley.

Since the evil Lt. Bhaer does appear in both places, I guess I'll try hoping for a parallel reality zone. Confused Neutral

 


#125:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 4:25 pm


Laughing No problem Kathy - as Lt Bhaer is in both then, hopefully, Nell will have some of her items returned - and I have just had a sneaking suspicion as to what Hilda was thinking...off to PM Cath!



ETA I was right!!! Gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat! Twisted Evil

 


#126:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 1:28 pm


well I still have no idea *glares at the gloating Lesley* but I'm quite happy to let the story unfold

 


#127:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 11:18 pm


Exactly the right moment.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#128:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 5:09 am


Thank you everyone - all will be revealed in due course. Very Happy sweetly!
And we have the new computer - yaay!
So, the next part....

In utter amazement, Nell stared after the rapidly departing figure.
“What on earth was that about?” she asked aloud, but was unable to find any answer that satisfied her. She looked down at her crucifix, returned so unexpectedly to her and the face of her father as he handed it to her was sharply clear in her mind. “Oh, thank you,” she breathed and slipped the crucifix around her neck again. She picked up her knitting, but did not feel like continuing with it and remembering Hilda’s parting injunction, looked at the small pile of books by her chair. “Typical,” she thought fondly, “not one, but four!”
She picked them up, and looked at the titles. There was Kipling’s Limits and Renewals, a copy of Charles Williams’s The Place of the Lion, a novel that she had recommended to Hilda a long time ago – “I wonder what she makes of him” she thought, mildly amused by the notion of Hilda reading a book on her advice – and the Imitation of Christ. The title of the fourth book was very faded, and Nell picked it up, peering at the spine. “Poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins,” she murmured, “I’ve heard of him.” The book opened easily: “I caught this morning morning’s minion, kingdom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, ….” Suddenly she heard her father’s voice, “See him fall, Nell, riding down on the wind!” and she was fourteen years old again, walking on Dartmoor at dawn with her father on one of their expeditions. They had stopped, watching the hawk fall like a stone towards the moor, and then extending its wings, soar upwards, a little limp body clasped in its talons. Entranced, she read on, getting the sense of what was there, but too impatient and eager to stop to tease it out in detail. That would come later. Poem after poem, unfolded for her, about stars, spring, candle-light, harvest, poplar trees, Oxford – oddly jagged and abrupt, yet soaringly beautiful and saturated with an overwhelming sense of God and Christ.
Then, turning a page, she stopped as if she had been hit. Great pencil marks were gouged into the paper, the indentations visible five and six pages ahead. Nell lowered the book amazed; Hilda did not treat books like this, she was almost reverent in her approach to them. In fact, Nell could remember n occasion when Hilda had lectured Con and herself for leaving books lying on the floor! Nell opened the front of the book; yes, there was Hilda’s name, Hilda Mary Annersley, and a date of some eight years previously, written on the first page. She turned back to the pencil-marked pages, and the phrase “that year Of now done darkness” uttered yesterday by Hilda leapt out at her. Below that were the bleak lines, “No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief, More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring. Comforter, where, where is your comforting?” And then, stark and deliberate, “O the mind, the mind has mountains; cliffs of fall Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap May who ne’er hung there.” It seemed to Nell that the pencil marks were deepest there, and shaken, she closed the book. “She knows,” she thought. “Serene and dignified as she is, she knows about this place. She has been where I have been and where I am now. No wonder she can help me.” She found herself praying that Hilda’s pain, whatever it might have been, had been eased, and then, very humbly that she, Nell, should receive the same grace. Then she looked across the garden and saw Hilda hurrying towards her. She put the books down and stood up.

 


#129:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 7:00 am


'all life death does end and each day dies with sleep'. I love that poem with its wild despair of loss and pain. (Thanks to Mary's Hilda for bringing it to my attention in the first instance!)

I'm still worrying what Hilda has recalled, and now what she was so desperate about that she could contemplate defacing books, surely a mortal sin. Thanks, Cath.

 


#130:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 7:39 am


Oh, Cath, there was so much that was moving there.

Nell's reminiscenses of her father, brought back by that poem of Hopkins, surely one of the most evacative of writers, but as you say *abrupt and jagged*......bringing yet more healing to Nell.

But Hilda.....how strange we should both have chosen the same poem in her despair ....*Comforter, where is your comforting*...... and surely here was despair, for her to deface her books. But can this bring comfort to Nell - to know that Hilda has found serenity after such despair?

 


#131:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 7:47 am


Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#132:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 8:52 am


Thanks, Cath. The last few posts have been really beautifully written, the same as the rest of the drabble. I wonder where Hilda has gone?

 


#133:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 11:17 am


Thank you Cath.

 


#134:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 12:34 pm


This was another deeply moving episode, first the flashback to Nell's childhood and then, the stunning realisation that Hilda, too, has plumbed the depth of despair sometime in her life. And yet another reason for the strong bond between them, too.

I studied Gerard Manley Hopkins' poems as an 'A' level text, and must admit I found them completely incomprehensible, except that I knew there was an enormous depth to them. But thanks to you, Cath, and to Mary's Hilda, I'm realising I should re-read them.

Still wondering what caused Hilda to rush off like a startled faun, however.

Thanks, Cath

 


#135:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 1:02 pm


Thank you Cath

 


#136:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 6:50 pm


Eight years before? Was that when it happened or was the despair affecting her from earlier still?

Intrigued.

Thank you Cath.

 


#137:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 6:58 pm


Thanks, Cath, that was very moving.

 


#138:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:31 am


Ummm...Cath? You forgot to tell us where Hilda went and why.

 


#139:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:28 am


No I didn't forget... Twisted Evil

here we are - a sidestep!

Hilda had run across the garden as if she was being pursued by wolves, and by the time she had reached the house, the unpleasant suspicion had hardened into cold certainty. Dashing up the steps, she called “Gwynneth! Gwynneth!” again and collided abruptly with the lady in question as she raced from the house to find out why she was needed.
“Hilda! What’s the matter? Is Nell alright?” Gasping a little, Hilda nodded, and seized Gwynneth’s shoulder,
“I’m sorry, Gwyn; I didn’t mean to shock you, but I need to know something important – and it won’t wait.” As she spoke she was already hurrying into the house, pulling Gwynneth with her.
“Hilda, stop! What’s wrong? Where are we going?”
“Upstairs,” answered Hilda tersely, heading in that direction.
“Why?” demanded Gwynneth.
“To find something!” Recognising that she wasn’t going to get any more information at this point, Gwynneth wisely gave up asking questions and followed Hilda as she made her way to the top of the first flight of stairs. She paused for a moment at the entrance of the corridor where the staff bedrooms were located, then muttered “Boxroom!” and ran swiftly up the stairs that led to the attics, one of which had been given over to the storage of trunks and boxes. Gwynneth meekly pursued her, hoping that an explanation would be forthcoming shortly. Panting slightly, Hilda pushed open the door of the boxroom, switched on the light and surveyed the room swiftly.
“Do – you –mind –telling- me what we’re looking for?” gasped Gwynneth behind her. Hilda didn’t answer immediately; instead she crossed the room to where the staff trunks and some miscellaneous boxes were piled.
“Which of these is Con’s?” she demanded. Gwynneth eyed her with some concern,
“Hilda, why do you need to know?” she asked cautiously.
“Which one is it?” was the only answer she received, and sighing, she joined Hilda in her search. Thirty seconds later, Hilda spotted the label with ‘Stewart’ written clearly on it; fortunately the trunk was on top of those belonging to Grizel and Simone, and was comparatively easy to move. As Hilda and Gwynneth set it down, the former was already lifting the lid.
“Empty! But it’s got to be here!” She dropped the lid and stared worriedly at the trunk. By now thoroughly exasperated, Gwynneth grabbed Hilda’s arm and gave her a slight shake.
“Hilda Annersley! Will you tell me what we are looking for up here!” Hilda took a deep breath, and said, in a voice that was suddenly oddly quiet and sad,
“I don’t believe that Con gave Nell the things that we managed to bring from Austria.”

There was a shocked silence, then Gwynneth asked uncertainly.
“Hilda – are you sure?”
“As sure as I can be without asking either of them directly.”
“But -”
“Look Gwyn, you saw Nell’s room when we moved her yesterday – there was very little unpacked, wasn’t there?” Gwynneth nodded. “I thought then that this was because she hadn’t wanted to unpack anything that was too personal, but what if there was another reason?”
“That she didn’t have the things, you mean?”
“Exactly!”
“But Hilda, why on earth would Con -? And Nell’s her friend!” Hilda sat down on top of the trunk, thinking.
“I don’t know, Gwyn, but Con’s been angry and unhappy since she got here; even our unobservant Grizel spotted it! And Nell said something her very first day back, about not knowing what Con’s plans were, and I remember being surprised about that, as Con had apparently been staying with her. Something must have happened between them last year.”
“Even so, Hilda, for Con to hang on to Nell’s personal treasures – and we still need to find them to be sure about that!” At this, Hilda sighed and looked round the room. Suddenly, she focussed on the pile of boxes behind the trunks.
“Gwynneth – look!” In the middle of the pile, was a box clearly labelled “Stewart.” “Come on, Gwynneth!” Scrambling up on top of the trunks, Hilda started passing the various boxes in the pile to Gwynneth, who took them obediently, even while protesting,
“Hilda, are you sure this is a good idea?” In reply, Hilda passed her the box with Con’s name on it, and jumped down from the trunks.
Both women stared down at the box; the flaps were tucked in, but the box was not secured with sticky tape or string. The name “Stewart” appeared again on top of the box, but this time was followed by the words “Wilson: Austria.”
“It looks as if we’re on the right track,” said Gwynneth reluctantly. Hilda did not reply; instead she bent down and untucked one of the flaps, and there, staring up at them, was something that both she and Gwynneth remembered very clearly from Tyrol.
“Cherry’s rag doll,” breathed Hilda.

 


#140:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:55 am


But why? Why would Con do that, or not do that? Confused

Definitely need to see more of this - thanks Cath.

 


#141:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 4:22 am


Goodness! I'm glad Nell's keepsakes survived, but ... whatever happened?

 


#142:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 4:45 am


It's all very weird. What on earth?

 


#143:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:06 am


Oh dear, this is going to take some unravelling. I suppose that it is a litte bit too naive of me to hope that it was just Con keeping the things until Nell should be more like herself and therefore more ready for them.

On the other hand, might she not have managed to break through the pain with these things she has kept back. Probably not I guess, she would appear to be the wrong person.

Poor Con, Poor Nell. I hope that Hilda and Gwynneth can get to the bottom of this without too much difficulty.

Thanks Cath

 


#144:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:01 am


Oh dear. Why has Con done this? Please come back and solve the mystery soon, as well as the one about Hilda's book. THanks, Cath.

 


#145:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:38 am


Hilda fearless as usual in her search for the truth - and how in tune she is with Nell that she realised what was missing.

But now she has to find the courage to question Con and somehow let Nell know what Con has done. What will this do to Nell and Con? Oh dear....

Thanks, Cath.

 


#146:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:40 am


Thank you Cath. I wonder why Con did that? I guess something mush have happened when they were staying together.

 


#147:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:37 am


I'm completely confused as to why she would do that as well Confused I hope she has a good reason Mad Thanks Cath

 


#148:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:32 pm


Thanks Cath

Surely Con must have had a good reason?

Liz

 


#149:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:39 pm


This is such a fabulous story, and I am enjoying it so much. Please don't keep us in suspense for too long about why Con behaved so out of character.

 


#150:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:49 pm


But why? Confused

This is all very odd. Thanks Cath

 


#151:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:56 pm


Hmm.... joins in the wondering why Con would do something like this, which is totally out of character for her. Did she, perhaps, think that she was acting in Nell's best interest, and not want to upset her by returning these items to her, thereby reawakening memories whilst her mental state clearly remained so fragile? If so, then perhaps she will now return them without prompting, once she sees that Nell is finally coming to terms with what happened.

And why is Con herself in such an odd mood this term? We know that in the books, she was possessed of both a peppery and an anxious temperament, the latter particularly obvious after her engagement to Jock, and the outbreak of war, when he was in Singapore and contact with him was sporadic at best. Is her current mood an extension of this?

Enjoying this as always, but please don't keep us in suspense for too long here, Cath.

 


#152:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:28 pm


Enjoying this so much Cath - I've just had a mega catch up session and it's so lovely to watch Nell gradually relacing and trusting again

 


#153:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:46 pm


Also confused by Con's behaviour!

Thanks Cath. Have just caught up and is as fab as ever.

 


#154:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:09 am


Oh dear, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a little - but all will be made clear...eventually!
Next part:

“So what do we do now?” It was Gwynneth who had asked the question; it had taken her and Hilda five minutes to rearrange the boxes and trunks, the latter having proved surprisingly heavy to lift. During that time, neither of them had looked at or mentioned the box behind them, but after they had finished reorganising the two piles of boxes, they both swung round to contemplate it.
“There isn’t really an option, is there?” replied Hilda bleakly. “We take this downstairs to Nell, and hope that she doesn’t ask too many awkward questions.”
“We could wait until Con gets back later,” said Gwynneth tentatively.
“No,” said Hilda immediately. “These are Nell’s treasures; they should have been returned to her a long time ago and I don’t think we have any right to make her wait any longer.” She chewed her lip thoughtfully. “If we’re lucky, Nell will be so overwhelmed by getting these back, she won’t ask about the delay – or not at first. Hopefully I’ll be able to have a quiet word with Con and try to sort things out.”
“I don’t envy you that job!”
“No, it won’t be easy, but I do have to do it - apart from anything else, making sure that the Staff works well together is ultimately my responsibility, and at the moment. Con can barely bring herself to be in the same room as Nell.”
“You’re a good Head, you know, Hilda.”
“I rather doubt that, Gwynneth; it can be very daunting at times.”
“And lonely?” Hilda stared past Gwynneth, her eyes suddenly unhappy. Then she said levelly,
“Yes, Gwynneth, on occasions, very lonely.” Gwynneth smiled and patted Hilda’s hand reassuringly.
“I think you’ll find that will change soon, my dear. Now, let’s get that box downstairs and return its contents to their rightful owner!”

Slowly and carefully, they carried the box to the top of the attic stairs and put it down thankfully.
“It’s heavier than I expected,” remarked Gwynneth in some surprise.
“Yes,” said Hilda absently. “I wonder . . . Gwynneth, don’t you think it would be better to take this to Nell’s room now? That way there would be less chance of any awkward encounters, and Nell will be able to unpack it in peace. After all, we don’t know just when the others will get back, and the last thing Nell needs at the moment is to fend off a barrage of excited questions.”
“I agree,” returned Gwynneth promptly. “It won’t exactly be easy for her to deal with this anyway, especially as it seems as if Con has – well – let her down badly at the very least.” Hilda nodded, her lips compressed, and the two women began to manoeuvre the box carefully down the steep stairs.
They had reached the halfway point and Hilda at least was beginning to wonder whether it might have been better to summon some help when a well-known voice enquired from below them,
“Might I be of assistance, Fraulein Hilda?”
“Vater Bar – thank goodness! Yes, we need to take this box to Nell’s room, and it’s rather heavier than we anticipated; if you would help us -”
“But of course,” Herr Anserl replied and stepping past Hilda, swung the box up on his shoulder effortlessly, and marched off downstairs. Once back on the first floor, he ignored their assurances that they could manage perfectly well now and insisted on carrying the box to its destination. At this declaration, Gwynneth was suddenly struck by the memory of how Nell habitually left her room, and was moved to mutter darkly,
“I hope to heaven that Nell has at least picked up her dressing gown this morning; just imagine the explanations if he broke his leg falling over it!”

Fortunately, Gwynneth’s dire predictions remained unfulfilled as they found that, for once, Nell’s room was immaculately tidy. Herr Anserl deposited the box on the desk and glanced round the room.
“So very empty,” he said softly. “Fraulein Hilda, if I am needed I will be in the Staff room – I understand that coffee and sandwiches are ready now.” He departed swiftly, as Hilda glanced at her watch in surprise.
“Coffee and sandwiches? Good Lord, Gwynneth, it’s nearly quarter to two!”
“I was wondering when you’d notice. Are you heading in that direction now?” Hilda stopped and considered.
“I think so – another ten minutes won’t hurt, but . . . No, Gwynneth, could you bring something upstairs for us? That’s probably the best thing to do. I’ll go and fetch Nell.” And even as Gwynneth opened her mouth to remonstrate, Hilda had left the room, hurrying back to the garden to find her friend.

 


#155:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:50 am


At least Nell is getting her treasures back, but I see difficult times ahead with explanations of Con's behaviour. And I should think seeing her possessions again will be an overwhelming experience. Thanks, Cath.

 


#156:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:11 am


Cath V-P wrote:


“You’re a good Head, you know, Hilda.”
“I rather doubt that, Gwynneth; it can be very daunting at times.”
“And lonely?” Hilda stared past Gwynneth, her eyes suddenly unhappy. Then she said levelly,
“Yes, Gwynneth, on occasions, very lonely.” Gwynneth smiled and patted Hilda’s hand reassuringly.
“I think you’ll find that will change soon, my dear. .
“.


Poor Hilda, a little insight into how hard the last few years have been for her - her tenure has had far too many ups and downs. And leadership, by its very nature, is lonely. But of course it will change, as Matey says, now Nell is becoming herself again.

My heart goes out to Nell as she sees her belongings after such a long time - and as she wonders why this is so. Hilda will be there for her, however, and that will make all the difference.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#157:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:42 am


Thank you Cath. I hope that Con has an explanation and Nrll can forgive her, her seeming betrayal.

 


#158:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:33 am


Thank you, Cath. I really hope Con has an excellent reason for her behaviour (and that we hear it soon!).

 


#159:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:40 pm


Thanks Cath

*still clinging to faith in Con and hoping it's not misguided*

Liz

 


#160:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 1:12 pm


A definite insight into the loneliness of leadership here, Cath - even though Hilda only gives us the merest glimpse of it.

The whole scene is beautifully done - I'll continue to wait patiently to see both Nell's reaction on being reunited with her treasures, and the reason why Con concealed them from her in the first place. I'm sure Con didn't do this from 'malice aforethought' but it will be really interesting to know just why it happened.

Still loving this story - it has so many depths to it.

 


#161:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 1:19 pm


As the box is so heavy, I'm hoping that there is nothing too unexpected in there

 


#162:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 2:17 pm


Thanks, Cath. I look forward to finding out Con's reasons for what she did. I'm also wondering how Nell is going to react to what is in the trunk?

 


#163:  Author: LyanneLocation: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 6:46 pm


As Dawn said
Quote:
As the box is so heavy, I'm hoping that there is nothing too unexpected in there

 


#164:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 6:56 pm


Loneliness of command - yes, it's definitely there.

Thanks Cath - very interested in Con's explanation....

 


#165:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:22 am


So am I Lesley! . . .I do know what happened, but not quite how she'll explain it! Sufficient unto the day . . .

Next part:

As Hilda ran down the terrace steps, she saw Nell glance up in her direction, put down some books that seemed very familiar, and stand up.
“Nell!” she called as she dashed across the garden, and then realised that Nell was making no move to join her. Instead, she was regarding her intently – even a little apprehensively, with one hand tightly clasping the crucifix around her neck. “She’s scared,” thought Hilda, shocked, and once again, the horror of all that Nell had suffered during the past year seared through her. Breathing deeply, she forced herself to slow down, and smiled reassuringly at Nell who relaxed and sat down again.
“It’s alright, Nell,” she said calmly, “There isn’t anything wrong, but there is something that I would like you to see.”
“What is it?” Hilda frowned a little, her eyes troubled.
“I really can’t explain here, Nell, but it is important. Will you come with me?”
Nell said nothing, but her face was suddenly pale and apprehensive again, and she nervously rubbed the hem of her skirt between her fingers. Hilda knelt down, and taking Nell’s restless hands in hers, spoke soothingly,
“Nell, I’m sorry that I startled you by rushing off like that; I didn’t realise that you might be upset. I promise you that there is nothing to be afraid of, so will you trust me and come with me?” Nell bit her lip, then nodded and got up again. She picked up the books and her knitting, and still without saying anything, accompanied Hilda back to the house.
They were inside and heading towards the stairs before Nell found herself sufficiently calm to be able to speak again,
“I’m sorry Hilda, I didn’t mean to -”
“It’s alright, Nell, you have nothing to apologise for, and don’t worry, I’m not upset or angry – except with myself. I should have been more careful.” Nell smiled tentatively, then asked,
“Why on earth are we heading upstairs?”
“Because what I have to show you is in your room. It’s something I had – forgotten - about.” Hilda fell silent again, and avoided Nell’s questioning gaze, not wishing to say anything more at the moment. With a small sigh of thankfulness, she pushed open the door of Nell’s room, and pointed to the box on the desk.
“Nell, I think that the things in here belong to you.” Curiously, Nell went over to her desk, opened the box, and looked down at the contents.
“Persephone?” she whispered incredulously.
“What?” exclaimed Hilda in surprise.
“Persephone,” repeated Nell, picking up the doll and cuddling it gently. “That’s what Cherry called her. She was three, and Father was telling me Greek myths at bedtime, and she liked the name. Mother made the doll that Christmas – and I made the clothes. Cherry loved her so much,” she went on dreamily, “and every Christmas and birthday I made a new outfit for her; she was very well-dressed – in fact, once or twice she and Cherry were dressed identically! You know, even after Cherry gave away all her other dolls, she refused to part with Persephone, and when she died, I kept her; it was somehow like keeping Cherry close to me.” Her fingers traced the contours of the doll’s face lovingly as she continued, “ But – I don’t understand, how did she get here?” She sat down limply on the bed, still regarding the doll with disbelief.

 


#166:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:54 am


Thanks Cath. I'm glad that the first thing Nell saw was Persephone. So nice that she had such memories immediatley after seeing her.

Poor Hilda to have to realize how much she has frightened her friend by dashing off like that. She is going to have to learn an extreme sensitivity to the way things will impact on Nell, or she will keep getting upset with herself for not managing it. And poor Nell having to cope on her own like that.

Now *how* is Hilda going to explain their presence now when they were not here earlier. And what is Con going to say. I do hope that Hilda will be able to explain it in such a way that Nell is not going to feel too bad about the high handed way Con seems to have acted.

 


#167:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 11:31 am


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Nell was able to trust Hilda once she had explained everything.

 


#168:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 12:45 pm


Thanks Cath

I wonder how many other memories are in that box - and hope they are good ones to help push away the bad.

Liz

 


#169:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 2:01 pm


So many mixed emotions here. Nell's sense of puzzlement over what is going on shows us how far her recovery still has to go, but the fact she could accept Hilda running off like that without panicking completely also shows how far she has already come and how far her trust in Hilda has been re-established. As for Hilda feeling guilty about doing this, that's only to be expected, given that she recognises so clearly Nell's still-fragile sense of equilibrium.

It's good that the memories which Persephone evokes are happy ones, and it will certainly be interesting to see what else is in that box. I also hope that Con will have the chance to explain just why she concealed the box from Nell before Nell herself has time to wonder about that, and either to worry about the reason, or to be angry with Con for doing it. Given they both have peppery tempers, sparks could fly.

Please don't keep us waiting too long for Con's explanation, Cath.

 


#170:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 3:28 pm


Poor Nell - Hilda will have to handle all her dealings with her so sensitively - probably only she could do it.

And am still waiting - rather angrily - for Con to explain.

(Angry at Con, not you Cath! Wink )

Oh and thanks too! Laughing

 


#171:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 3:45 pm


Thank you Cath. It's all so real.

I'm glad the sight of Persephone didn't cause Nell to relapse totally.

 


#172:  Author: MiriamLocation: Jerusalem, Israel PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:42 pm


Can't help wondering if Con did try to hand them over earlier, but Nell wasn't in a state to cope with the memories that they brought up, and completely rejected them - and maybe Con at the same time. That would explain the current discord between them, since I doubt that Con would have had the patience and skill to help her that Hilda is now showing.

I'm glad that however it was they made thier way to the CS, to be there at the right time.

Thank you.

 


#173:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 7:05 pm


Thanks Cath. Glad that Nell did get Persephone and the other things back in the end...

 


#174:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 9:23 am


Thank you Cath.

 


#175:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:31 pm


I have just caught up on this.
Cath, I think its a wonderful story and beautifully written.
Thank you.

 


#176:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 7:08 am


Thank you for your comments; sorry this is a little delayed, but I have had a friend visiting from Queensland. But this is a somewhat longer piece in compensation . . .

“Well, we did manage to get some of your things out of Austria,” replied Hilda hesitantly. “But I’m not altogether sure of exactly what’s here.” Nell put the doll down carefully on the bed, and stood looking down at the box, her arms folded tensely across herself. She made no attempt to take anything out of the box, and finally Hilda asked her gently,
“Nell, are you alright?” Nell gave a slight shake of her head and murmured,
“Hilda, I don’t know if I can cope with this.” Swiftly, Hilda crossed the room and putting her hands on Nell’s shoulders, said firmly,
“Nell, you are not alone, you know: and if you want me to, I will stay here with you, while you unpack. But you do need to do this; you need to know what is here.” There was a long moment of silence, then Nell’s mouth firmed and she said softly,
“I was forgetting – alright Hilda, but please stay with me.” Hilda sighed with relief and sat down in the armchair, while Nell slowly reached down into the box, and started to take out the carefully packed items.

The first few things that Nell found - her father’s fountain pen, the silver mirror and hairbrush that her grandparents had given her for her seventeenth birthday and her camera - were greeted without any comment. Even the emergence of a photograph album that Hilda knew held pictures taken in Tyrol did not bring about any overt reaction, even though Nell was clearly on the verge of tears. Then there came a bundle of midnight blue silk that Hilda recognised as a purchase from Italy that Nell had not had made up as yet. It was swathed carefully around something rectangular; slowly, Nell removed it, and found herself looking at a photograph of a pale and delicate girl, with dark hair and great grey eyes. Nell stared at the photograph for a minute, then hugging it to her, turned to face Hilda, tears sparkling in her eyes,
“Look, Hilda, it’s Cherry - the last photo we had of her.” Hilda nodded at the sight of the familiar photograph, lost for words; two months after this, she knew, Cherry had died of pneumonia. “It’s been dreadful.” Nell went on unsteadily, “For some reason, I couldn’t seem to see her face – and I didn’t have a copy of this. And the harder I tried, the worse it got. It was as if I’d lost her somehow.” Speechless, Hilda looked at her friend, horrified by this unexpected revelation. Tenderly, Nell touched the pictured face, and laid the photograph down gently before turning back to the box. She paused for a long time before taking out the next item, an oddly-shaped parcel wrapped in tissue paper.
“What on earth . . ?” she murmured as she removed the paper, and discovered a small jewellery box, and another small parcel. “Mother’s engagement ring!” she exclaimed in happy amazement, revealing the sapphire and diamond ring that she had occasionally worn on gala occasions in the holidays. “Oh, Hilda,” she went on, “I simply can’t believe it . . .” Her voice faded into silence, and Hilda realised that she had opened the other package. Anxiously she looked up at her: Nell was white, her eyes wide in disbelief and her hands shaking. Wordlessly she held up a silver rosary that Hilda recognised immediately with a sudden flare of anger.
“But I thought Con - ” she began unwisely, and was most fortunately interrupted by the arrival of Gwynneth with the coffee and sandwiches that she had previously promised.
“I thought it was definitely time for these,” she remarked, putting the tray down on the small table beside Hilda. “How are you getting on - oh, I see.” She scrutinised both women closely, noting Hilda’s anger and Nell’s shock and bewilderment. “This is difficult, isn’t it, Nell?” she asked quietly, taking her hand. Wordlessly, Nell nodded, her lips compressed and her eyes suddenly huge and haunted again. “You know that you can stop if it gets too much for you, don’t you?” Nell nodded again, then said resolutely,
“Gwynneth, if I don’t finish this, it won’t go away, will it?” Gwynneth surveyed her again, then replied firmly,
“No, Nell, it won’t.” She dispensed their coffee swiftly, then perched herself on the arm of Hilda’s chair. A thought seemed to strike her and she added, a little diffidently,
“Nell, if it helps, try to remember that the things you’re unpacking are a reminder of happier times; if you can hang onto that thought, it might be easier.” Nell gave her a grateful glance and, putting her rosary down on the table, turned her attention back to the box.
The next hour passed comparatively quietly as Nell unpacked more of the possessions that she had believed to be left behind in Austria. Another dress-length of silk was found to contain the delicate small statue of Mary and the Christ-Child that had stood on Nell’s windowsill. A layer of books, two more photograph albums and several carefully wrapped pictures provided ample reason for the unexpected heaviness of the box. There was a tin box, vaguely reminiscent of a first-aid kit, and generously wrapped in sticking plaster, which revealed its contents to be letters and various pieces of official paperwork. Finally, Nell pulled five small thick black volumes from the bottom of the box. She dropped them on the desk and stared at them in the same kind of frozen silence with which she had regarded Cherry’s photo and her rosary. “My diaries,” she whispered, reaching out for one and opening it at random. There it was – her untidy scrawl, so frequently the target of Hilda’s teasing. She scanned the pages, her eyes caught by odd phrases and sentences:
“ stranded overnight in a charabanc wasn’t what I expected, but fortunately. . . would never have walked up those steps if I’d known – I still ache! . . . Hilda of Whitby now; Con and I think our Hilda. . .” She put it down and picked up another:
“ . . . exhausted. What a walk ! And that idiot woman from the other side of the lake clearly didn’t have a clue … stuck here until the break mends, going mad with boredom . . . Red Indians - and lucky Con was the first to . . . ” Neither Hilda nor Gwynneth dared move or speak as Nell leafed through each book in turn, and memory after memory leaped at her from its pages. Finally she put the diaries down on the desk, and turned to face them, her beautiful eyes shining and suddenly joyous,
“Hilda, it’s all here,” she whispered. “So much that I thought I’d lost – it’s all been here, waiting for me.” Then her expression sharpened, and she looked warily at Hilda and Gwynneth. Both women tensed waiting for the inevitable question.

 


#177:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 7:47 am


Thank you Cath

Liz

 


#178:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 8:39 am


Thank you Cath. It's lovely to see Nell's joy at retrieving her memories but I'm awaiting the sparks to come with some trepidation.

 


#179:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:04 am


I can't say it any better than Nell did - thanks Cath

 


#180:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:32 am


That was fantastic, thanks Cath. It was lovely going on that journey of (re)-discovery with Nell. Seeing her precious things, being shown which things touched her the most, and how she shared them with Hilda, and laterly Gwynneth. Now I just hope they can have the right words to explain to her, especially after Hilda's angry outburst. Well done Matey's timeing there!

 


#181:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:00 pm


How lovely that so much has been saved!

Hope the inevitable question doesn't rouse too much pain -- and that whatever happened with Con is straightened out.

 


#182:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:12 pm


Quote:
“Hilda, it’s all here,” she whispered. “So much that I thought I’d lost – it’s all been here, waiting for me.”


A lovely section, Cath, well worth the wait! You practically had me sitting on the edge of my chair as each new item was unpacked.

What a joyous realisation for Nell, after all her hardships, to find all this waiting for her, even though re-discovering it has awakened some mixed memories for her. But these will surely be outweighed by the fact that she can now be surrounded by all these items.

Quote:
Then her expression sharpened, and she looked warily at Hilda and Gwynneth. Both women tensed waiting for the inevitable question.


Well, we know that question has to be answered, and Nell won't rest now until she knows that answer. I'm still hoping that Con acted in Nell's best interests by not telling her earlier that this box existed.

I can see the next bit being hard on everyone concerned, Nell most of all, but also Gwynneth, Hilda and Con. Please don't keep us waiting too long for the outcome here.

 


#183:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:21 pm


Thanks, Cath. Gwynneth and Hilda both found just the right words to say.

 


#184:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:56 pm


Thanks Cath. I am really enjoying this.

 


#185:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 2:07 pm


*also waiting for the question*

Thank you Cath - it's so lovely to have an insight into Nell's personal life and all her treasured posessions.

 


#186:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 4:18 pm


Thank you Cath!

I'm longing to find out WHY Con kept these things back from Nell! I HOPE she has a good reason!

 


#187:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 6:14 pm


Really need to know why Con did this.

Thank you Cath.

 


#188:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:32 am


What Lesley said

Lesley wrote:
Really need to know why Con did this.

Thank you Cath.

 


#189:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 12:15 pm


Vikki wrote:
Thank you Cath!

I'm longing to find out WHY Con kept these things back from Nell! I HOPE she has a good reason!


Ditto!

thanks Cath. Am pleased they managed to get so many of her belongings out with them.

 


#190:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 7:06 am


Well, here we are again; I'm away this weekend, so don't quite know when I'll be able to post next. As ever thank you for your comments!

Nell was silent for a moment, regarding Hilda and Gwynneth suspiciously, her hands clenched and her mouth compressed into a thin line. Finally, she spoke, her voice carefully restrained,
“I don’t understand; where did these come from? How did they get here? And why has it taken so long?” Gwynneth and Hilda looked uneasily at one another. Hilda bit her lip, and started to frame her reply cautiously.
“Nell, the night before we left – when they came and told us that we had to close down and leave at once, they said that we couldn’t take your possessions – yours or anything that belonged to the others. But it had already been decided that we wouldn’t leave behind the things that you valued, so we divided them amongst us. Gwynneth worked very hard -”
“Yes, yes,” broke in Nell impatiently. “But Hilda, how long have you had them? And why didn’t you send them to me before now? I can understand my crucifix – that came to you differently – but all these? You must have known they were here. Didn’t you – didn’t you think I’d want them?” Her voice broke, and she stood silent, shaking and in tears. Hilda was speechless, appalled and stricken by Nell’s words.
“Nell?” she whispered hesitantly, stretching out a hand. Angrily, Nell pushed it away, exclaiming,
“Hilda, I trusted you!” Hilda recoiled white-faced, as startled and confused as if Nell had hit her.
“No Hilda, this won’t do,” said Gwynneth suddenly. “You can’t and shouldn’t shield people from the consequences of their actions; it is simply not right. Nell needs to know exactly how this happened, and if that causes problems between her and Con, then so be it. But I am not going to sit here and let you jeopardise your friendship with Nell through a misguided sense of altruism!” Alarmed, Hilda turned to her,
“No, Gwynneth!”
“I mean it Hilda. Now, calm yourself Nell, sit down, and listen to me, please!” Gwynneth’s voice was as firm as if she were addressing one of the Middles, and despite everything, Nell found herself obeying. Gwynneth waited until she was sitting quietly, then crouched down beside her,
“Hilda was quite correct in what she said Nell. As soon as it was clear that you people were in trouble, the plans for our departure were brought forward. But it was Hilda who suggested that we should bring your things with us. To begin with, she asked Con to pack your real treasures – like your Rosary, and your family photographs.”
“Con?”
“Yes, Con. Then after our unexpected visitors left that night, Hilda asked us if we would be willing to bring more of your belongings, scattered throughout our luggage. It was a bit risky, as we had been ordered to leave your possessions behind, but fortunately, the things that you valued most – apart from your diaries and letters - didn’t have your name on them, so we hoped it would be alright. We left your clothes and some of your books and borrowed around among ourselves for odd items to give the impression that your room was as you had left it. The Sixth formers did the same for the girls who were with you, but that was easier as they had fewer personal belongings at the School.” Gwynneth was quiet for a moment as she remembered the frantic activity of that night, then resumed her story.
“We weren’t sure what to expect at the station, but although they checked our papers exhaustively, they didn’t bother with the luggage. I think by this time that they simply wanted us out of the country, but even so, I don’t believe that any of us relaxed until that train crossed the border and we were safely in Switzerland. When we finally arrived in Paris, and it was clear that there was no news of you, Hilda asked Con if she would be willing to take charge of your belongings until they could be returned to you. She agreed, and we arranged to send everything to her – which is what happened.” Gwynneth stopped and looked at Nell. She was running her Rosary beads through her fingers and staring at the floor and as Gwynneth scrutinised her, a tear splashed onto her skirt.
“Oh, Con!” she murmured miserably. Gwynneth put her hands on Nell’s shoulders. Hilda, who had not moved or spoken since Gwynneth had begun talking to Nell, locked her hands together convulsively, but otherwise remained still.
“I don’t know why Con didn’t send you back your things as soon as she could, but I can tell you that it certainly wasn’t anything to do with Hilda. And it was Hilda who brought your diaries with her.”
At these words, Nell flushed and there was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Then Gwynneth spoke again,
“There is something else you need to know, Nell. Hilda was exhausted when she got on the train, but she flatly refused to rest until she knew that everyone was safe – and that was after we reached Paris. She bore the burden of responsibility by herself all that time, kept her fears buried inside her, and refused to admit that she needed help – because she knew that the only person who could take some of that load from her was you.”
As she finished, Gwynneth got up, and smoothing down her skirt, surveyed the two motionless figures.
“I’m leaving you for a little while,” she announced abruptly, whilst making for the door. “You have some talking to do.”


Last edited by Cath V-P on Sat Oct 15, 2005 12:19 am; edited 1 time in total

 


#191:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 7:16 am


Thank God for Gwynneth! Because Hilda would have shielded Con, no matter the cost to her personally. (Silly woman - and yes this is me saying that, but I know Hilda! Rolling Eyes )

Thanks Cath, lovely post - just so glad Matey was there and could explain.

 


#192:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 8:51 am


I'm so glad Gwynetth was there - I worry what damage would have been done to that still fragile relationship if she hadn't. Thank you Cath - enjoy your weekend.

 


#193:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 12:04 pm


Thank you for that, Cath. Have a great weekend. And Gwynneth was wonderful.

 


#194:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 12:08 pm


Quote:
But I am not going to sit here and let you jeopardise your friendship with Nell through a misguided sense of altruism!”


Which is exactly what Hilda would have done had Gwynneth not intervened - as Lesley said, 'twould have been silly of Hilda, but we do know our customer, don't we? Thank God indeed that Gwynneth was there to explain exactly what happened.

Beautifully done, Cath - I'm sure I wasn't the only one to be transported back in time to the school's flight from Austria - and to recall the fact that so many others were in similar positions in real life at the time. Thank you.

Enjoy your weekend away.

 


#195:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 1:50 pm


Good for Gwyneth. I hope Nell and Hilda can sort it out.

But WHY did Con keep the things so long?

 


#196:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 5:07 pm


Thank you Cath!

We still don't know why Con did it though...... *hint hint*

 


#197:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:51 pm


Cath, my dear, having just caught up on a week's worth of this, I have been so moved, as always. Again and again, you show how closely in tune these two are becoming, and what a blessing they will be to each other.

And I love the way you have seamlessly interwoven the details from Lesley's Headmistress, of the sudden exodus from Austria, into your own story.

The objects so close to Nell's heart, that were contained in her box, were so lovingly described and told me so much about Nell's inner life.

And Hilda? Will she never learn to put herself first? To accept, so silently and uncomplainingly, the condemnation meant for Con......!! All I can say is, thank God for Matey.

Thank you, Cath.

 


#198:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:19 am


Thank you all - yes, Hilda would behave in just that way wouldn't she?
Not quite seamlessly, Mary - I did make one goof that I corrected - my own fault as I was too lazy to fetch Lesley's magnum opus from upstairs!! If anyone else spots any continuity errors, please let me know, I won't be offended!
Next part:

After Gwynneth had closed the door behind her, neither Nell nor Hilda stirred for a few moments. Then Nell glanced apprehensively at Hilda and was horrified by her pallor and look of weary desolation. “Oh God, what have I done?” she thought, and got up hastily to cross the room and kneel down by her friend. Hilda did not seem to notice her, and for a moment, Nell was lost for words and oddly scared: then making a huge effort, she covered Hilda’s hands with her own, and whispered,
“Hilda? I’m sorry.” For a second she thought that Hilda had not heard her, then Hilda looked down at her, and it seemed to Nell that Hilda was returning from some remote and private place to which she had retreated.
“It’s alright Nell,” was all she said.
“No, it’s not!” replied Nell vehemently. “I misjudged you, and hurt you and I was wrong. I should have trusted you – and I’m a complete idiot.” Hilda smiled faintly at the force in Nell’s final words, the colour returning to her face, then said quietly,
“I was wrong too, Nell – but I didn’t want to upset things between you and Con.”
“Let’s leave Con out of it for the moment,” said Nell unexpectedly. “The important thing is that I should have trusted you and I didn’t; you – you do know that I do really, don’t you?” she added somewhat incoherently.
“Dear Nell,” said Hilda softly, relaxing slightly and putting a reassuring arm round Nell’s shoulders, “it really is alright, I promise you.”
“The trouble is, when I’m afraid, I’m also angry,” confessed Nell, “And for a moment, I was so scared by the idea that you’d been playing some sort of elaborate game with me, that I lost all sense of reality, and just wanted to hit out at you. Thank heaven, Gwynneth was here!”
“Yes,” said Hilda thoughtfully. “She was right too; I was misguided, and I made a mistake; I didn’t see that I was hurting you more by not telling you just what had happened.” She looked at Nell and continued, a little nervously, “You do know that I didn’t mean to upset you, don’t you?” Nell nodded,
“Yes, I do. And you were just as afraid as I was, weren’t you? – Except you don’t get angry, even though you’re just as scared as I am; you cope by maintaining an appearance of calm dignity.” She stopped, briefly amused by the expression of amazement that had appeared on Hilda’s face. “You’re my friend,” she said quietly, “And I’ve known that about you for a long time.”
Both women were silent for a while, then Nell stirred, “About Con-” she said uncertainly.
“Don’t worry,” replied Hilda at once. “I’ll talk to her, and see if I can find out what happened.” Nell blushed,
“I – haven’t been very pleasant to her,” she admitted. “And that hasn’t helped.”
“But even so,” broke in Hilda, “there has to be more to it than that.” Nell
sighed, and her face saddened.
“I don’t remember much of what I said to her, or when, but I must have hurt her. I know she tried to talk to me about the departure from Austria, but I don’t recall what she told me; it’s all so blurred.”
“Oh, Nell!” Nell bit her lip, considering, then asked, shyly,
“Hilda, when he came to the school – was he unpleasant to you? I think Con said something, but I wasn’t really hearing her by then, so I don’t remember.” Hilda considered, wondering what to say, when a voice behind them remarked crisply,
“He frightened her so much, she was sick.”

 


#199:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 9:05 am


Oh I'll bet that Hilda would not have said that. Well done Gwynneth again (presuming this is the case). Thanks Cath, that bit had it all, the way that the two friends can misjudge each other even though they have a very understanding relationship. I love Nell's honesty with Hilda about the possiblity that she might well have hurt Con quite badly at some point or another.

 


#200:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:36 am


Thanks Cath

 


#201:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:45 am


Thank you Cath. Glad they could have that little heart to heart to just prove how well they know each other!

 


#202:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 12:48 pm


Thanks Cath

I am so glad Matey (assuming it's her crisp voice) is there to help out with all this - they could not get through it without her and Herr Anserl.

Liz

 


#203:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 1:22 pm


Thanks, Cath - it's certainly a sign of how much progress Nell has made that she can put aside her own sense of puzzlement about what happened to her things in order to reassure Hilda - she couldn't have done that even a few days ago.

Thank goodness for Herr Anserl and Gwynneth and their roles in unravelling the tangles. But please have Con explain her actions before too long.

 


#204:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 2:30 pm


Cath V-P wrote:
“He frightened her so much, she was sick.”


Thanks, Cath. I'm sorry to sound so ignorant, but who is 'He'?

 


#205:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 3:18 pm


Chair, He is Lieutenant Bhaer the nasty SS man in Lesley's book and also featureed earlier in this drabble when Nell was imprisoned. Nell x

 


#206:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 5:06 pm


Naughty Matey, you shouldn't have told her! Laughing There again, if you hadn't Hilda would never have said anything.

Thanks Cath - glad those two have got things straight.

 


#207:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:05 pm


That little episode said so much about both their characters in such a tender way.

And Hilda is finding Matey revealing way too much about herself, isn't she? How she hates coming out from behind that mask.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#208:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:33 pm


Cath, these last few posts have been beautiful, from the items restored to Nell which you describe so perfectly to that last scene with Hilda. I've just caught up on the lot and I'm now feeling a little overwhelmed and lost for words.

So I'll just say thank you, and wonderful writing. And I'm still intrigued by what has happened betwween Nell and Con.

 


#209:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:37 pm


Nell wrote:
Chair, He is Lieutenant Bhaer the nasty SS man in Lesley's book and also featureed earlier in this drabble when Nell was imprisoned. Nell x


Sorry about that. Embarassed I was thinking of the men who were at the CS when I wrote that comment.

 


#210:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:11 pm


thank Cath. Smile

 


#211:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 1:27 am


Thank you all; I have guests for the next few days (this is a busy week!), so that may well slow down my writing . . .
Next part:

“What?”
“Gwynneth!” Neither exclamation perturbed Gwynneth unduly; instead she looked levelly at both women, and leaned back against the edge of the desk.
“That’s better. Yes, Nell, she was, and no, Hilda, I’m not betraying a confidence; if Nell had been there she would have known all about it, and I think she needs to know as much as we can tell her about that time.” Reluctantly Hilda nodded, her eyes darkening as she remembered that night. Nell remained where she was, kneeling by Hilda, her grey eyes now anxious as she surveyed her.
“Did he hurt you, Hilda?”
“No – one of his soldiers hit Con with a rifle butt, when she tried to help one of the girls – but, no, he didn’t hurt me.” There was a short silence, then Hilda continued,
“He didn’t have to; his threats were enough.” She shifted restlessly, rubbing her arms as if she were suddenly cold, and continued, her voice low and strained,
“You see Nell, he threatened to shoot one of the girls if I didn’t cooperate with him absolutely – so I had to stand there and do nothing while he questioned them individually about whether they knew where you were.” Nell stared at her in horror.
“Even the Juniors?”
“Even the Juniors. And he didn’t just ask them – he shouted at them. His armed soldiers stood all around Hall and watched everything. Those children were terrified and I could do nothing to help them, except stand on the platform and remain outwardly calm. I couldn’t help the girls or the Staff. All I could do was stand there and pray that nothing worse would happen.” Her eyes were suddenly filled with pain. “That helplessness was the worst part of it, and I am sure that he knew it.” She stopped, lost in thought for a moment, then shook her head, “No Nell, that’s not right; the worst part was that I think he enjoyed it.”
“I agree,” said Gwynneth with certainty. Hilda closed her eyes for a moment, recalling the loneliness and fear that she had had to keep to herself until they were safely out of Austria. Nell looked at her, and recognising Hilda’s need, gently took her hand.
“He regularly terrorised women, I think,” she said, speaking with difficulty. “That was what terrified me, you know – that absolute power that he seemed to have, and just how he delighted in it. And inflicting pain was also somehow impersonal – not important in itself, but useful as a way of getting something.” She gave a little shiver, and was silent for a moment, searching for the words to convey something very important. “The night those two guards tried to rape me, he was furious – raged at them for lack of discipline and confined them to barracks - but he wasn’t angry because they had assaulted me – it was because they were behaving in a manner inappropriate to soldiers of the Reich, and there was no point to it. But the next day, he could make me watch while three men were executed on his orders, so that I would realise just how powerful he was. And later….” Her voice trailed off; good friend that Gwynneth was, only Hilda would ever know precisely what had happened during that last terrifying day. She scrutinised Hilda’s face closely. “Did he threaten you too?” she asked suddenly.
“No”, said Hilda calmly, but Nell caught the flicker in her eyes, and understood what remained unspoken. Ignoring it, she returned to her consideration of the Leutnant, forcing herself to voice her deepest fear,
“Sometimes, I lie awake wondering how many more there are like him, and what will happen if – if things go wrong.” There was a heavy silence in the room as the three women contemplated a chilling future.

 


#212:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:27 am


Quote:
“Sometimes, I lie awake wondering how many more there are like him, and what will happen if – if things go wrong.” There was a heavy silence in the room as the three women contemplated a chilling future.


Cath, this whole scene is another superb piece of writing. The description of what Hilda endured as she stood helplessly watching the interrogation of the staff and pupils is simultaneously gripping and terrifying. It's surely no coincidence that both Nell and Hilda endured the same unspoken threat from Bhaer and refused to be cowed by it - something which can only strengthen the already strong bond between them.

But the final paragraph really took my breath away, showing so clearly the prevailing fear of the period when your story is set, and what Europe's future might have been if things had 'gone wrong.'

 


#213:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 7:45 am


Thank you Cath. The difference being that, when the ordeal was over for Hilda she had friends and support, Nell's ordeal lasted so much longer and, instead of friends, she had a doctor who drugged her and treated her as hysterical.

swear fume Jem Russell.

Hope these revelations will help Nell.

 


#214:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:14 am


Terrible as the fears and tensions were that Hilda has now revealed to Nell, the bond that is growing now so rapidly between them is highlighted when Nell sees that little flicker in Hilda's eyes - she knows there is something more and she knows immediately just what the Lt had planned for Hilda, because she had been there herself.

A very moving episode, Cath, especially when one thinks of what might have been, had the war gone a different way.

 


#215:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 9:58 am


Thank you Cath. So well written and bringing home the fear of those times so well.

 


#216:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:05 am


I'm glad that Hilda and Nell have been able to discuss this. Thanks Cath

 


#217:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:07 pm


Thanks, Cath. What a terrible thing for Hilda to have had to go through.

 


#218:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:59 pm


Thanks Cath - I hope that knowing others suffered at Bhaer's hands will help Nell feel less alone.

Liz

 


#219:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 4:17 pm


Thanks Cath. Fab as ever.

 


#220:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:01 am


Thanks Cath for so many poweful updates since I last read

 


#221:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 1:53 am


I'm back! Sorry for the delay, but we had guests (most excellent guests!) and I couldn't write as much as I would have liked. So, here it is...

Gwynneth was the first to speak. Although horrified by what Nell had revealed of her last days in Austria, she lacked the darker knowledge shared by Hilda and Nell, and so found it easier to force her mind away from the threat of the future to the needs of the present. Straightening up, and smoothing her skirt with that characteristic little gesture, she remarked,
“Hilda, Simone has returned and I understand that Grizel, Rosalie and Con are expected within the hour.” At this, Nell shifted uneasily, and Hilda looked thoughtful,
“I really do need to see them – if only to ask how their weekend went. But - Nell, would you prefer to stay here, and be quiet for a while?” Nell nodded, a look of mingled relief and gratitude on her face.
“I know I have to see them, and apologise, especially to Simone and Con, but . . .”
“But you need a little time to deal with what has happened today, and anyway, I would like to have a talk with Con.” With these words, Hilda got up, and smiled at Nell as she and Gwynneth left the room together, the latter remarking,
“Nell, if you intend occupying that bed in comfort tonight, you’d better move something!”

Left alone, Nell turned her attention to the various articles strewn on her bed. For almost five minutes, she stared down at them, lost in her own past as memories continued to assail her. Finally, she picked up Cherry’s photograph, and contemplated the face of her beloved sister. “You wouldn’t have recognised me, would you?” she murmured. “Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t recall you either.” She suddenly remembered the night of Cherry’s birth; despite her grandmother’s strenuous disapproval, her father had woken her in the early hours of the morning to show her the tiny baby sister that God had sent her. “We’ve all welcomed her,” he had said to old Mrs Wilson, “ and Nell needs to as well.” And he had sat down with Nell on his knee, and Cherry wrapped in a shawl, cuddling both of them, while Nell had gazed in solemn amazement at the small white-faced infant. It had been years before she had understood that there had been a very real possibility that the delicate baby might die during the next few hours and that her father had been determined that Nell would remember seeing her sister . . . . Smiling to herself, Nell carefully set the photograph on her desk where she had always kept it, and laid her Rosary down beside it. Then she surveyed her bed again and laughed. “Gwynneth’s right! I’d better move the books,” she decided, and began to transfer the various volumes to the bookshelf, a task that was not helped by the continual temptation to stop and reread specially loved passages. She was sitting on the floor and half-way through the chapter entitled “Dulce Domum” from Wind in the Willows, when there was a timid knock at her door.
“Come in,” she called abstractedly, and looked up as the door opened to reveal a rather nervous-looking Simone.
“Miss Annersley said you wanted to see me, Miss Wilson?” she said formally.
Nell blinked in surprise, still part of the world of Rat and Mole, then got up hurriedly, holding her book.
“See you, Simone? No. I . . . Wait a moment, yes, I did.” She put Wind in the Willows on the shelf, and turned back to Simone, her cheeks suddenly hot with shame and guilt and her eyes unhappy.
“Please come in Simone, and close the door.” Apprehensively, Simone did as she had been asked, and waited for Nell to continue. Nell took a deep breath, swallowed and with her hands clasped tightly in front of her, began the apology that she had prepared.
“Simone, I must apologise for the way that I’ve behaved to you during the past week.” Simone’s eyes widened and she gasped in surprise; this was completely unexpected! “I have been very rude and unkind to you and there was absolutely no justification for the things that I said. I – I hope you will forgive me.” Then she was silent and an embarrassed Simone stared fixedly at the floor as she hunted desperately for the right words. Certainly Nell had angered and upset her, but this apology changed things. Finally she looked up at Nell, and perceived that the older woman was almost speechless with shame and remorse and that it was up to her to ease the situation. Strangely, this knowledge reassured her and without realising quite what she was doing, she stepped forward and gave Nell a swift hug.
“Of course I forgive you, Miss Wilson,” she said kindly. “I expect that part of the fault was mine-”
“No, Simone,” Nell interrupted. “You did nothing wrong; it was me. There was no excuse for the way I behaved to you, and all that I can do is say that I am very, very sorry.” Her voice was wistful and unhappy, and Simone realised that the bitterness and anger had disappeared from her expression, although her eyes were still sad. She smiled a little.
“It really is alright, Miss Wilson,” she said firmly. “I understand that things have been difficult lately.” Nell tensed a little, then relaxed and said quietly,
“Thank you Simone; I really don’t deserve that.” Simone smiled again, and feeling that both of them had had quite enough for the moment, moved toward the door.
“Was that all, Miss Wilson? Then I will see you at dinner.” Nell nodded, then said shyly,
“Simone? If you can, please make it ‘Nell.’” Simone glanced swiftly at her, murmured a quiet assent, then made her way thoughtfully back to the Staff room.

 


#222:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:59 am


That was a very thorough apology and I'm glad Simone was able to understand and accept it.

So when do we see Hilda's interview with Con? (Smiling sweetly, not begging!)

 


#223:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 3:25 am


*very proud of the both of them*

and especially glad that Nell's able to take this step.

 


#224:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 3:58 am


Pleased for Nell and Simone.

*Sits beside Miss Di waiting for that interview.*

Thanks Cath.

 


#225:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:48 am


Glad Nell has made the first steps by apologising to Simone and that Simone could understand and accept that apology.

Thank you Cath.

 


#226:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:51 am


Thanks Cath

 


#227:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:57 am


Oh Cath, that memory of Nell's sister was so tender and moving - and reveals so much about the love that wrapped Nell round when she was little.

Her heartfelt apology to Simone is one more healthy sign of her slow recovery, and of her coming integration back into the heart of the school fold. Hilda has done her healing work so well.

Thank you, my dear.

 


#228:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:04 am


This is so moving, the evocation of the dreadful fear, and the slow recovery.

 


#229:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:18 pm


That was a beautiful post Cath!
I can just see Nell's father with little Nell and baby Cherry in his arms!
Amnd good for both Nell and Simone!!!

 


#230:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:58 pm


Am so glad she apologised to Simone.

Thanks, Cath. Kiss

 


#231:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:12 pm


Sorry, Cath - I saw this first thing this morning, but no time to comment then.

What a moving story behind that photo of Nell, with her father and Baby Cherry - and so lovely that the photo can now resume its place in Nell's room.

Had to find my copy of Wind in the Willows to re-read Dulce Domum - it's one of my favourite literary extracts too.

I agree with Mary that Nell's apology to Simone is yet further evidence of her progress towards recovery, and to reintegration in the school community. And the fact that Simone could recognise the sincerity of it and accept it gracefully says much for how she herself has matured over the years, too.

This story is continuing to unfold so movingly, as Nell is able to describe what happened to her, accept the way the others can fill in the gaps in her memory, all on her way to full recovery, or, as your title has it, 'Return.' Now if only Con can explain her actions in not returning Nell's treasures earlier with reasons that Nell, and for that matter, both Hilda and Gwynneth, can accept, Nell will have overcome yet another obstacle.

I'm looking forward to a happy resolution in due course, but will certainly miss it once you do finish it! Thank you, Cath.

 


#232:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 9:25 pm


Wonderful as always, thank you Cath!

Nell's development from her terrified, enclosed state to somebody more trusting, who is able to open up to people again is so very well, and movingly, described.

I just wonder what on earth Con thought she was doing? *hint*

 


#233:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:13 pm


Well done both Nell and Simone.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#234:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 6:59 pm


Lovely, thank you, Cath

 


#235:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:49 am


Thank you all. Here is some more....

Nell sat down on her bed again, trembling and slightly nauseous. For a single hideous moment, it seemed to her that she saw three figures standing starkly against a brick wall and the air was again heavy with the scent of roses . . . “Don’t be silly, Nell!” she scolded herself desperately. “There’s nothing to be scared of now!” She rubbed her shaking hand over her forehead and contemplating the pattern on the rug, forced herself to breathe calmly. Gradually the terror faded and she was in her room again, surrounded by the precious keepsakes that she had believed to be gone for ever. “Think of something else!” she told herself, and gazing round the room, her glance lighted on Wind in the Willows again. She picked it up, turning to the page that she had reached earlier, and she was thirteen years old again and Cherry was beside her, nursing Persephone, as she read this most beloved of books to her for the first time . . . Kicking off her shoes, Nell curled up on the bed, and retreated to a time when her biggest difficulty had been her history preparation. She was unaware of the book slipping from her hands as sleep overtook her.

Hilda tapped gently at Nell’s door, and then again, a little more loudly. She hadn’t meant to leave Nell alone for so long, but had been waylaid by various staff members with a number of queries and concerns, all of which had required a more-or-less immediate response from the Headmistress. “I wish they’d think for themselves a little,” she muttered in unusual exasperation, then took herself sharply to task. This was all part of her job, wasn’t it? All the Staff had a right to her time and expertise, and she had to remember that, and deal with their concerns when it was necessary. And then there had been Con . . . standing in the silent corridor, Hilda heard Con’s voice echoing in her mind, angry and defensive.

Hilda had intended to have a quiet conversation with Con over afternoon tea and gradually approach the subject of Nell. However, Con had given her no chance for that; from the moment Hilda had set eyes on her, Con’s hard sullen anger had been painfully apparent, and Hilda had felt her heart sink.
“How was your weekend?” she murmured to Grizel and Rosalie as Con made her silent way upstairs. The former grimaced and rolled her eyes significantly heavenward, and Rosalie smiled wearily.
“Jersey was lovely,” she said valiantly, “and Grizel was very patient.” Grizel grinned ruefully,
“Actually, things weren’t too bad most of the time. It’s only been really noticeable since we caught the boat back,” she remarked. “And Rosalie’s right; Jersey is lovely. We’ve already decided that we’re going to go back at some point.”
“In that case, I’ll see that you get a free weekend before too long; I’m sure that you’ve earned it,” said Hilda blandly, and left the pair of them enthusiastically discussing what they would do and see next time.

Con did not reappear until afternoon tea was almost over, and when she did, she made a determined effort to avoid Hilda, firstly by joining Simone and then by going to greet Herr Anserl. His arrival in the Staff room had been met with great joy, and also some sadness, by the returning members of Staff (even Grizel found herself with tears in her eyes, much to her own disgust!), so it was not remarkable that Con should wish to speak to him. Hilda simply bided her time and as Con was congratulating herself on her strategy, approached her with a smile and a gentle enquiry on the beauties of Jersey. Caught unawares, Con stammered something in response, and found herself unable to evade Hilda’s gentle, but firm, invitation to join her in the study for tea.
“It’s so long since we’ve been able to have a really decent chat, Con – and there’s such a lot I want to hear about, so do come.” Con’s mouth twisted slightly at this, but then, evidently making the best of it, she picked up her tea cup and followed Hilda out of the room. As she opened the door, Hilda glimpsed, but chose to ignore, Gwynneth’s enigmatic little smile.

However, despite Hilda’s best efforts, Con stubbornly refused to give anything other than the barest of answers to Hilda’s questions concerning the wellbeing of her family and fiancé, and uttered merely an uncompromising “Yes, very nice,” in response to Hilda’s query as to how she had enjoyed her weekend. After this, Hilda finished her tea in silence and was wondering how best to deal with such a hostile Con, when the latter banged her teacup down in the saucer with such force that Hilda was a little surprised that the object remained intact and demanded,
“Well? Aren’t you going to get on with it, Hilda?”

 


#236:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:24 am


Yes please do get on with it - I want to know what Con's got to say! Very Happy

And am so glad Nell was able to draw herself back from that awful memory.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#237:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:53 am


Oh dear, Con in the wrong and knowing it - and hence stroppy in the extreme. Crying or Very sad

I love the little snapshot of Hilda's exasperation at having to deal with school things when other matters are weighing so heavily on her....

Thanks, Cath.

 


#238:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:58 am


Please do tell us! Thank you Cath!

 


#239:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:38 pm


How unlike Con - she was always so jolly, even if she did have a temper.

Please tell us soon, Cath.

 


#240:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:46 pm


Thanks, Cath. I look forward to seeing the conversation between Hilda and Con. I'm glad Simone accepted Nell's apology.

 


#241:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:41 pm


Guilty conscience perhaps? Though why should Con know that Nell's belongings had been found?

Feel Con may regret being quite so aggressive - Hilda is defending her best friend!

Thanks Cath.

 


#242:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:05 am


Hi, all. Didn't quite mean to post this until the whole thing was written, and am a little puzzled that what I thought had happened hadn't. But the voices were adamant, so who am I to argue? Sigh... slightly deranged? Naah, surely not!


Startled by this petulant demand, Hilda nonetheless managed to restrain herself and asked quietly,
“Get on with what, Con?” At this innocent query, Con snorted, glared angrily at Hilda, and said,
“Well, you obviously do have something that you want to say to me, so I suggest that you get on and do it! I presume it’s something about Nell?” Hilda was still for a moment, then replied,
“Yes, Con, I do have concerns about Nell, but first I would like you to tell me why you’re so angry.” Con was speechless for a moment, then burst out,
“Hilda, you must know! Don’t pretend that you don’t!” Hilda said nothing and after a moment, Con continued, in a slightly calmer voice than before, “Of course, it’s Nell, Hilda. You must have realised how nasty she’s been to me, and I simply won’t tolerate it. And I can’t understand why people are trying to be nice to her, when she isn’t making the slightest effort to be pleasant to them!”
“Con-”
“She’s been horrible, Hilda; she’s said such dreadful things – and she doesn’t like Jock. He’s been very patient and polite to her, but she was so rude to him, and he was only trying to give her some advice! Nell used to be my friend, but this woman isn’t my friend; she’s been like this ever since she got back from Austria and I won’t stand it any longer.” By now Con’s flare of anger was dying down as the familiar sullen misery took its place. Hilda forced herself to remain calm – antagonising Con any further would achieve nothing: it certainly wouldn’t help Nell, or Con herself for that matter.
“Con,” she said firmly, “You must try to tell me what has made you so angry with Nell. Otherwise it can’t ever be put right. You’ve been such close friends for so long – surely that hasn’t completely altered?” Con stared miserably down at her empty cup,
“I don’t know, Hilda. I was so thrilled to hear that she had managed to get out of Austria, couldn’t wait to see her again and tell her about everything – and hear what she had to say of course,” she added, suddenly aware that her answer seemed to lack something. “I wrote to her at the cottage, and waited for her to reply – but she never did. I thought then that she wasn’t well, but when I saw her at Joey’s wedding it was obvious that she was fine! There wasn’t anything wrong with her, but she just didn’t seem to want to talk to me – and when she did, it wasn’t about anything in particular. And she certainly didn’t pay attention to anything that I said! She didn’t even seem to care when I tried to tell her about that dreadful German soldier!” By now her voice was shrill with indignation and self-pity and Hilda eyed her with increasing concern.
“Look Con,” she interjected. “I really don’t believe her behaviour was directed at you personally – I don’t think it would have mattered who you were at that time. She was very distant with me too, you know. I don’t know what she has told you, but she has had a dreadful time.” Con made no reply, and sat fiddling with her teaspoon, steadily refusing to meet Hilda’s anxious eyes. Finally she muttered in sulky disdain,
“She didn’t tell me anything much and now I don’t really care to know.”

 


#243:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:40 am


Oh dear - poor Con! A completely understandable and natural reaction to the circumstances - she didn't know what had gone on. Can't help thinking she's going to feel awful if she finds out what did happen.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#244:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:07 am


Ah, but you do care, really, Con, that is why you are so angry. Please let Hilda help you bring some sort of resolution to your quandary. Crying or Very sad

And even if you have not got the imagination to *understand* what Nell has been through, at least acknowledge that she *has* been through something terrible and couldn't help her behaviour.

Thanks, *slightly deranged* Cath - keep listening to those voices. Isn't that what you tell me? Laughing

 


#245:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:19 am


Can anything be more bitter than friendship gone wrong? Oh dear, Con is so angry and feels that she is the injured party. Con and Nell both need Hilda to do her thing and explain the misunderstandings.

Thanks, Cath. And voices. As Mary says, keep on listening and writing.

 


#246:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:02 am


Oh dear. Thanks Cath

 


#247:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:02 am


Oh dear, poor Con. Thank you Cath!

 


#248:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:38 pm


Thanks, Cath. It's good to hear Con's side of the story. I hope she will let Hilda explain the rest of Nell's behaviour.

 


#249:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 5:01 pm


I really hope Hilda can help sort things out between the two of them.

I wonder if Con's letter ever reached Nell?

 


#250:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:01 pm


I wonder if the reason Nell withdrew was because Con mentioned that soldier - Lt Bhaer. Con is (hopefully) going to be devasted when she discovers how much Nell has suffered.

Thanks Cath - BTW what's wrong with listening to those voices then? Wink

 


#251:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:06 pm


But will she discover - unless Nell tells her, isn't it a breach of confidence for anybody else to?

Liz

 


#252:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:06 am


MaryR wrote:
Ah, but you do care, really, Con, that is why you are so angry. Please let Hilda help you bring some sort of resolution to your quandary.


Mary's right Con. Listen to her. And then tell us why, however upset and hurt you may have been, you didn't give Bill back her stuff.


Oh and Cath? We won't tell anyone you hear voices if you don't Laughing

 


#253:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:11 am


Quote:
Miss Di wrote:
MaryR wrote:
Ah, but you do care, really, Con, that is why you are so angry. Please let Hilda help you bring some sort of resolution to your quandary.


Mary's right Con. Listen to her. And then tell us why, however upset and hurt you may have been, you didn't give Bill back her stuff.


Oh and Cath? We won't tell anyone you hear voices if you don't Laughing


My sentiments exactly, on both counts. Cath, I'm really late getting to this episode and everyone has said all I could possibly say about it - I agree wholeheartedly with them all. Thank you.

 


#254:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:51 am


Another dreadful misunderstanding for Hilda to have to sort out. But so true to life.

 


#255:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 4:58 pm


*another one feeling sorry for Con.*
Hope they can sort it out

Thanks Cath.

 


#256:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:10 am


Thank you all for your comments....the voices also said thank you!
Next section:

Hilda chewed her lower lip thoughtfully, caught between her wish to give Con some awareness of what had happened to Nell and the need to protect Nell’s painful confidences. She was also aware of another uncomfortable emotion: namely, the desire to give Con a good hard slap!
“What on earth has got into her?” she thought despairingly. “She’s behaving like a – a Middle!” A picture of the bright and cheery Con who had been such a happy companion in Tyrol popped into her mind, and Hilda was saddened by the contrast. Then, as she sat there, grappling with the problem, Con’s voice echoed clearly in her mind; “Nell and I are too much alike.” “Of course!” she realised. Here lay the answer – or part of it. The bond between Nell and Con had always relied upon their similarities: their quick, sparkling wit, sense of humour and fun, pragmatic approach to life, brisk and rigorous approach to their teaching, great popularity with the girls, their common Faith – even their hasty tempers! All these had defined their friendship – had even, Hilda acknowledged a little bitterly, left her feeling somewhat dull and insignificant beside them. But what happened when those similarities diminished – or one of the people concerned developed in ways that the other could or would not understand? Even in Tyrol, Con had been somewhat bemused by Nell’s efforts to appreciate points of view other than her own, and, Hilda acknowledged, she had never comprehended Nell’s interest in the theology of their religion: it had been Hilda who had participated in those discussions! Furthermore, Con had never known any loss of love or security in her life, and unlike Nell and Hilda, had never had to grapple with great pain or grief. Her parents and siblings were still alive, she was happily basking in the love of her fiancé, and being an essentially unimaginative person, it had never occurred to her to go beyond the secure and delightful present to envisage the effects of any change or loss. “No wonder she’s having problems with Nell,” thought Hilda. “She’s never met anything like this before and hasn’t the least idea how to deal with it – or even why she should.” Con, she realised, had wanted only a return to the happy friendship she had enjoyed in Austria, and seemed unable to acknowledge the impossibility of this. In the same way, she had never really been aware of how much she had withdrawn from Nell after she had met Jock. Hilda had watched Nell coping proudly and silently with the pain that that had caused, and had been able to do nothing except pray for her unhappy friend – and be there when she was needed.

As this new awareness of Con darted through her mind, Hilda’s fierce anger diminished slightly; after all, how could Con help being angry when she had been so miserably confused for so long? “Although,” she reminded herself, “it still doesn’t tell me why she kept Nell’s belongings for all that time – and I still have to tell her that I gave them back to Nell!” Leaning forward she removed Con’s cup and saucer from her grasp, and placed them on the table. Then, with a silent prayer for help, she said,
“Con, I know that you were very anxious about Nell before we heard that she had managed to escape from Austria – all you thought about was that she should be safe. And she did come back -”
“But she’s so changed Hilda!”
“Of course she’s changed, Con! What did you expect? She was caught up in something that was truly terrifying – far worse than we experienced and that was bad enough.”
“But how can it make such a difference now? She’s safe here – doesn’t ever have to go back to Europe if she doesn’t want to.” Hilda sighed; was Con being deliberately obtuse, or did she really not understand how hard it was to shake off such fear?

 


#257:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:03 am


*Also wants to give Con a hard slap!*

Maybe Con has never faced these problems before but, essentially, what she's saying now is that it's Nell's fault she is acting like this. She has no empathy.

Good luck Hilda - I'm very interested on why Con kept Nell's things - was it a way to punish her?

Thanks Cath - very thought-provoking.

 


#258:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:31 am


Having been annoyed with Con for keeping Nell's things, I am now feeling very sorry for her. How awful to feel your friend slipping away but to not understand why or what to do to stop it from happening. Thanks for this, Cath, it's lovely.

 


#259:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:35 am


Thanks, Cath. I'm wondering how Con will react when she finds out how much Nell suffered and whether it will change her attitude. She found Lt. B dreadful, will she understand what Nell went through as his prisoner?

 


#260:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 8:02 am


Thanks Cath - that was a lovely look at the way Hilda is considering Con, and she may have been wanting to slap her, but she also understands her, which should help her with sorting the problems. That last line of Con's seems far more thoughtless from the point of view of having seen how difficult Nell finds life than it might have otherwise been the case. It hits home far harder just how mistaken Con's viewpoint is. Hilda is going to need her tact for dealing with this, but then she managed it with Nell, so she will cope with Con as well. Perhaps it is just as well that the next book sees her going off to get married though!

 


#261:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 8:08 am


"But how can it make such a difference now? She’s safe here – doesn’t ever have to go back to Europe if she doesn’t want to.”

Hilda sighed; was Con being deliberately obtuse, or did she really not understand how hard it was to shake off such fear?


A bit of both, I should think. She really sees only her own point of view, rather like a child, and has no imagination to see how things can affect people so badly that they change out of all recognition.

And how much of that can Hilda hope to change, for surely she can't reveal all that Nell has suffered - expecially not the decision Nell had made while incarcerated. That is sacrosanct.

Hilda's thoughts there were very revealing, not only of Nell's and Con's similarities, but also her own feelings with regard to their friendship.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#262:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 9:45 am


Thanks Cath

Poor Con - she doesn't know all that we know of course, I'm sure if she did she would be far more understanding and regret the attitude she's had.

But like Mary, can't see how Con will will find out about it without a breach of confidence on somebody's part.

Liz

 


#263:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 12:56 pm


I don't think Hilda will have to breach confidence, she doen't need to tell Con exactly what Nell went through, just make her understand that it was devastating and that she needed understanding from her friends - something that Hilda and Gwynneth gave her, but Con did not.

 


#264:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 1:01 pm


Oh dear, I'm not sure Con will ever truly understand. But if anyone can help her, it's Hilda. Fascinating to read Hilda's thoughts on the differences in character and how their friendships work.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#265:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 11:05 pm


Thanks Cath - I think that Con perhaps genuinely doesn't see that Nell is hurting so deeply. *Hoping she will understand.*

 


#266:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 7:48 pm


Echoing all who are hoping that once Con understands even a small part of what Nell has gone through, she will realise that Nell's reaction to her at the beginning of term was to do with Nell herself and the state she was in, not Con personally. I'm not sure has Con realised that so many people had noticed the state Nell was in and were affected by her treatment of them.

Love the way this is unfolding, Cath. Thank you.

 


#267:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 2:33 am


Thanks Cath.

Echoing fran's comment - was pretty much what I was going to say!

 


#268:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:46 am


I wish Con had been a bit more cooperative. But she hasn't - as yet! Wink


“Con,” she said carefully. “All I can say is that what happened to Nell in Europe, has affected her profoundly. She can’t ever be quite the person that she was before this happened – and that applies to all of us. And – don’t you think that as the news from Europe worsens, it makes things more difficult?” Con looked plainly bewildered at this,
“Hilda, Mr Chamberlain promised peace in our time, so how can problems in Europe affect us here?” Hilda opened her mouth, then closed it again – if Con was really determined to believe this, then nothing Hilda could say would change her mind. “And she’s a History teacher!” she thought despairingly. Then she realised that Con was still talking,
“ – and anyway Jock says that nothing serious will happen. Hitler has got what he wants for Germany, and there won’t be any more demands.” The words “Think for yourself, Con!” hovered on Hilda’s lips and she bit them back, telling herself again that antagonising Con would solve nothing.
“Well, maybe …” she said vaguely. Then she turned the conversation firmly back to Con’s dealings with Nell. “Con, you do understand that Nell has had a very difficult time during the last year, don’t you?” Con’s mouth hardened and she shrugged her shoulders slightly, then, obviously feeling that some further response was required, said,
“I suppose she has – if you say so, Hilda. But she didn’t have to act like this to everyone – I mean, we’re her friends.”
“I think she felt completely abandoned, Con.” Con looked up in disbelief, her look of sullen defiance softening,
“But how could she, Hilda? You went to see her, Jem looked after her in the San, I wrote to her and tried to visit– how could she have felt that she was alone? It’s ridiculous . . .” She fell silent, reviewing the past year while Hilda waited patiently. “I suppose . . .” she said reluctantly, “I suppose that what you mean is that she felt that nobody really understood what had happened.”
“Or cared to hear about it.” Hilda added quietly. There was another moment’s silence, then Con turned to Hilda.
“But Hilda, all I wanted was a return to what we had in Tyrol. Surely that wasn’t so wrong?”
“But if it didn’t take account of what had happened there?” Con winced slightly, then said,
“I suppose it would explain what would happen when we went to see her.” Hilda stiffened – could this be the occasion on which Nell had antagonised Con so seriously? Con’s next words confirmed her supposition,
“And we were both horrified by how angry she was – she behaved as if we had no right to visit her – she barely spoke to Jock, and finally told us that we would have to leave!”
“Con, just when was this?” Con flushed, slightly embarrassed,
“Well, it was early last autumn; I’d heard from Madge that she was at that cottage of hers on Dartmoor, so I thought – and Jock agreed – that it would be a good idea just to drop in, go and take that box of her belongings to her.”
“I see.”
“It took us a while to find the place; we had the address, but no directions and I must say that the locals seemed incapable of understanding what we wanted. We went wrong twice and had to keep asking people – it wasn’t until we went to the Post Office that we got some sort of reasonable response, but even then the woman there wasn’t very friendly. I don’t know how Nell can cope up there!” Hilda’s lips twitched, but fortunately Con didn’t see it. “Anyway, we finally found the place – and quite charming it is too, with a lovely garden.”
“Was Nell there?” Con shifted uneasily,
“Yes, she was: she was working in the garden when we got there.”
“Was she?” remarked Hilda meditatively. “Then what happened?”
“Hilda, it was appalling! She was so cold and unfriendly – she completely ignored Jock, didn’t invite us in – it was almost as if we were strangers. I talked to her for about five minutes, and I know she wasn’t paying any attention because finally she looked past me, and said ‘I’m sorry, Con, I can’t cope with this any longer. You’ll have to go now.’ Then she just went inside. We waited for ten minutes, but that was that.”
“Oh how terrible,” said Hilda involuntarily, as an alarming picture formed in her mind of Nell, anxious, afraid and, as she would have seen it, threatened in what had previously been the safety of her home. “She must have been terrified!” thought Hilda.
“Yes, it was. She was very rude, Hilda, and Jock was-”
“Con, did you say anything about her belongings?” demanded Hilda cutting across what promised to be another account of Nell’s impossible behaviour. Con’s gaze slid away, then,
“Yes, I did. I told her that I had something that belonged to her, and I asked if she wanted it back. She didn’t answer, so I brought the box away with me. When I talked it over with Jock, he said that I should just leave her alone for a while, to come to her senses. So I did – although I did write to her, but I didn’t get any reply.”
“Was that the last time you saw her?” Con nodded, then murmured,
“Yes. She made me so angry Hilda, I didn’t want to see her again – at least until she’d apologised.”
“And do you still feel that way?” Con looked thoughtful, then faintly surprised,
“Well – no Hilda, I don’t. Not angry anyway: I still don’t understand just what’s been going on and I still think that there was no real reason for all this fuss, but I will accept that she has been very unhappy.” Her face relaxed slightly, “Look Hilda, if she’s willing to apologise to me, and be reasonably pleasant about things, then I’ll let it go and cooperate with her. After all, it would be a shame if we couldn’t get along after all these years.”

 


#269:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:07 am


Oh, the condescenscion (spelling? sorry, I need more coffee) in Con's final words! She still feels she's the wronged party in all this, doesn't she?


Quote:
she completely ignored Jock, didn’t invite us in – it was almost as if we were strangers. I talked to her for about five minutes, and I know she wasn’t paying any attention because finally she looked past me, and said ‘I’m sorry, Con, I can’t cope with this any longer. You’ll have to go now.’


And in fact, Nell had told her the truth, explained herself as best she could. I found that account of her behaviour quite chilling, because it's all so plausible. Thank you, Cath. Beautifully done as usual.

 


#270:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:05 am


Her face relaxed slightly, “Look Hilda, if she’s willing to apologise to me, and be reasonably pleasant about things, then I’ll let it go and cooperate with her. After all, it would be a shame if we couldn’t get along after all these years.”

*let it go* Shocked Crying or Very sad Oh Con, how can you be so self-centred, so utterly lacking in any perception of what other people might have gone through - and this is your best friend. Crying or Very sad And one can't turn back the clock, as you so want to do. At some point we have to grow up.

I don't somehow see Hilda being prepared to *let it go* - but maybe she realises that talking to Con is counter-productive, that Con sees only on the surface, sees only what she wants to see.

Maybe the time has come for Nell to move on from Con, to let *her* go.
She knows that Hilda would never let her down like this, that Hilda too has suffered and can *walk in her shoes*

What a very difficult, depressing thing for Hilda to have to handle. And how dismayed and despairing she must feel for Nell.

Thanks, Cath

 


#271:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:50 am


Thank you Cath.

 


#272:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:53 am


Oh poor Con, poor deluded girl - she's like about 3 right now! It doesnt stop me from wanting to shake her though.

*hugs Hilda and Nell* Honestly what on earth have they had to put up with from her. The sooner she leaves the better! I hope she can patch up things a little so that they can get along together while they have to work together though.

What right had she to keep Nell's stuff from her, just because she was so insensitive that she didnt recognise the needs of others. I'm sometimes called self centered, but never in that way!

 


#273:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:25 am


Thanks, Cath. Hilda is doing a really great job at getting Con to explain everything. I hope they can sort things out and Hilda can get Con to see things clearly.

 


#274:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:38 am


I think that part of the problem is that Con doesn't want anything to change any more. She's had to leave the Tyrol, and she wants to marry Jock and everything to go well and smoothly, including her wedding, so she's shutting her eyes to what's going on around her.

 


#275:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 1:36 pm


Poor Con - of course she has no idea what went on in Tyrol and why it was so terrible for Nell - until a short while ago, nobody else had any idea of the awfulness of her experience, and it took Matey's prompting for Hilda to talk to Nell and find out what had happened.

Yes, she could do with being a little more understanding, but until now her previously close friend has appeared to treat her with rudeness and hostility, so it's no wonder she's given up her efforts and allowed her hurt to take over.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#276:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:05 pm


I can understand Con's position here. Yes she should be more sensitive and understanding but ultimately that's the way she IS and she just doesn't get it. I don't think she ever truly will. From her point of view, she's tried to give Nell her box, she's done her best to be friendly and chatty, she's even tried to introduce her future husband to the person who was her best friend. And she gets nothing back.

But then you can see what Nell must have felt too. And how Con can't see that.

*I have faith in Hilda*

 


#277:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:08 pm


Poor Con, even when Hilda tries to explain just how much Nell has been through, she just can't understand the reason for her attitude either when she and Jock visited her at her cottage, or since the beginning of term, can she?

But the situation does illustrate the differing foundations of the friendships between Nell and Con and Nell and Hilda. I won't go so far as to suggest that that between Nell and Con is founded on sand, because it isn't, but it does, apparently, lack the depth of mutual understanding seen in the one which is growing between Nell and Hilda.

Hope that Hilda will find a way out of the impasse and that Con will learn to consider Nell's needs as well as her own.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#278:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:47 pm


Am actually very angry with Con, while at the same time pitying her. She appears to have no understanding or empathy, and, after that visit, made no attempt to work out why Nell was acting as she did. And oh the condesension that she would be prepared to forgive if Nell apologised! fume

And must say I would not want her as a History teacher, not if she cannot see that the problems with Germany will continue.

Thanks Cath, very thought provoking.

 


#279:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 2:37 am


Hope Hilda slaps Con then sacks Con. Nasty mean four flusher! How can someone who is supposed to be a good teacher be so short sighted and unempathic?

[sarcasm] Think I know how Jock got to Singapore now - he knew that Hitler had what he wanted and nothing bad would happen to him in Asia. [/sarcasm]

 


#280:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 1:27 pm


What a tangled web of not understanding and not listening and not thinking

Thankyou Cath

 


#281:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 3:02 pm


Thanks Cath - I can't see any way for this to be resolved so I hope Hilda can!

 


#282:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 9:24 am


Just to let people know that I phoned Cath last night, after her mysterious silences, to discover her server provider has been out of action for the last two days. Crying or Very sad

She WILL be back! Laughing

MaryR

 


#283:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 11:58 am


Have to agree with Liz on this one. Con's hurt and feeling rejected herself right now, it's not surprising she snapped.

thanks Cath. Hope it can all be resolved soon.

 


#284:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 9:45 pm


Thank you for your comments everyone – and a huge thank you to Mary for explaining my silence! *&^%$$$$ server! Anyway here is some more…

And beyond that, Con had not been willing – or indeed able – to go. Wisely, Hilda had not pressed the point, thanking heaven that at least Con was no longer so obviously angry, but saddened that she had not been able to comprehend the reasons for Nell’s fear and unhappiness. “Possibly she may be able, or willing, to understand more fully in the future,” Hilda told herself as she knocked on Nell’s door again. “In the meantime, I must try to explain some of this to Nell.” She stood pondering the problem absently until she suddenly noticed that she had knocked at least twice on Nell’s door and received no response. “I hope she’s alright,” she muttered, and cautiously turned the handle.

To her relief, she saw that Nell was peacefully asleep, the book that she had obviously been reading lying at a precarious angle, halfway off the bed. Quietly she crossed the room, and carefully rescued the book before it could crash to the floor. Then she turned back to survey her sleeping friend; Nell was clearly very tired, but her face was more relaxed than Hilda had seen it since Nell had departed on that ill-fated shopping trip. “Dear Nell,” she whispered, and sat down on the bed to watch over her. The room was very quiet and Hilda became aware that the shadows were gradually lengthening across the floor. It was almost time for dinner. Deciding that it was better for Nell to be woken gently by her than abruptly by the gong, she reached out and laid a cool hand on Nell’s cheek. Nell shifted a little, then opened her eyes, and smiled up at Hilda, murmuring “What a lovely way to wake up.” Suddenly oddly shy and breathless, Hilda stared silently at Nell, who yawned and stretched, with a graceful languid movement that reminded Hilda irresistibly of Bramble, that long-gone cat. Then she sat up to the accompaniment of a small shower of hair-pins.
“Goodness, whatever time is it?” Hilda consulted her watch.
“Almost dinnertime, Nell; the gong should sound in ten minutes.”
“Heavens, I’ve been asleep for hours and – you know, I’m sure I was reading,” she said, looking around, puzzled. Hilda held up the book.
“You were and I rescued it – and now I know why I’ve found so many of your books on the floor, you wicked woman!” Nell grinned unrepentantly.
“You’re right -”
“As ever!”
“ - But it’s such a lovely way to fall asleep.” Hilda grimaced at her, got up, and gathering the hairpins, presented them to Nell, together with her brush and comb.
“I suppose you’re telling me I’d better tidy myself,” Nell remarked, running a hand through her hair. “Sometimes I really do think I should have this bobbed!”
“Don’t you dare – Nell Wilson with short hair would be unthinkable!”
“Don’t worry, Hilda, I was only joking.” She stopped, the amusement fading from her face. “I’m still not used to this even after a year.”
“Oh, Nell. . . .”
“It’s alright, Hilda. It’s just –oh I don’t know.” And Nell swiftly twisted up her hair, fixing it securely in place, ramming home the last pin just as the gong sounded downstairs.
“Is everyone back yet?”
“Just about – Julian Lucy will bring May Phipps back first thing tomorrow morning as the Lucy’s car has an unexpected flat tyre, but other than that they’re all here, delighted to see Vater Bar, and all apparently having had a good time.”
“Even Con?” Hilda paused for a moment, then said firmly,
“Even Con.”
“Good.” Nell said nothing more for a moment, then with a quick intake of breath, began as she had earlier,
“Hilda, about Con -”
“I’ll discuss it with you after dinner, Nell – we don’t have time now. But I have been able to talk to her, and you should find things a little easier for the moment.” Nell was silent, then said,
“Thank you, Hilda. That can’t have been easy.”

 


#285:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:16 pm


Good to see this back again, Cath - hope your server will now co-operate properly.

It's clear that Nell, though still very tired, is beginning to return to something more like her normal self. Clearly she appreciates Hilda having talked to Con, too - it will be interesting to see her reaction to what Con has had to say, even though we know that Hilda will put it as gently as she knows how.

Looking forward to more of this when you have chance.

 


#286:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:17 pm


So much love in that gentle scene. Hope Hilda can explain Con - and nell can accept it.

(Still angry with Con!)

Thanks Cath - nice to see you back!

 


#287:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:50 pm


Welcome back - hope the server doesn't collapse in a heap again!

Thanks for a wonderful new post!

 


#288:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 12:47 am


Thanks Cath. Hope you kicked the server really hard.

(Still cranky with Con)

 


#289:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 7:01 am


Glad to see you back again. I'm sure that was really irritating. Hope server continues to behave.

Now, that bit was just great. It was good seeing Hilda know when she needs to stop and when she can go on. I guess with Con, it was still all a bit much. Hopefully, given time, she will come to understand stuff far better very soon.

I'm also very pleased at the way Nell is able to take what Hilda has to say, and hope that this continues. It was lovely seeing Hilda and Nell chatting about Nell's habit of reading books till she falls asleep. That's a little luxsury she wont have been able to have for a while, so you can understand her enjoying it more.

Thanks Cath

 


#290:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 9:06 am


Cath V-P wrote:
Nell shifted a little, then opened her eyes, and smiled up at Hilda, murmuring “What a lovely way to wake up.” Suddenly oddly shy and breathless, Hilda stared silently at Nell, who yawned and stretched, with a graceful languid movement that reminded Hilda irresistibly of Bramble, that long-gone cat.


Such a tender scene. How their relationship has moved on, and what it has done for Hilda, who was essentially very lonely before, is very moving.

I'm glad she felt enough had been said to Con for the moment. Time for more later, perhaps, when her words have percolated.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#291:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 8:15 pm


Thanks, Cath. I wish I was so good at giving advice to my friends as Hilda is! I'm glad there wasn't anything wrong when Hilda opened Nell's door.

 


#292:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 10:40 pm


Thank you - feel that I must compensate for enforced silence, so here is some more! And I couldn't do anything about what happens here; the voice insisted that this was just the way it was...


Hilda, aware that Nell, with the memory of her recent behaviour fresh in her mind, was nervous at the thought of meeting the Staff again, insisted on accompanying her down to the Staff room, and then on to dinner. However the meal went rather better than she had thought it would, partly because she and Gwynneth were seated on either side of Nell, and partly because Grizel and Rosalie were waxing lyrical about the beauties of Jersey. Any pauses in their conversation brought about by the necessity of eating were ably filled by Herr Anserl, and in the general chatter, Nell’s unusual reserve passed unnoticed. Hilda was pleased to see that Con appeared to have lost her air of brooding hostility, although she was still very quiet; she was also delighted that a slightly nervous Simone made several friendly remarks to Nell, to which the latter responded pleasantly.

Nell spent much of dinner in gathering her courage for something that she knew she had to do, and as the meal concluded and they made their way to the Staff room for coffee, she apprehensively approached Con.
“Con,” she began hesitantly, “may I speak to you in private? It – it’s very important!” Con turned an impassive face toward her, considered Nell’s request for a moment, and graciously inclined her head. Then she led the way into the nearest empty room. Hilda watched them go, and closed her eyes for a second. “Be generous, Con, please be generous,” she implored her silently. She saw the classroom door close and reluctantly she followed the others to the Staff room.

In the harshly-lit classroom, Nell stood mute and confused for a moment. Con was perched on a desk, her arms crossed over her chest and her expression determinedly neutral as she waited for Nell to speak. Finally, as the silence became oppressive, Nell stumbled into speech,
“I – I wanted to say that I apologise for the last year. I’ve behaved very badly and I’m sorry…” She swallowed and continued shakily, “I know that I’ve been very unfriendly and rude – I didn’t want to be like this, Con, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.” She stopped, unable to go on, and waited in trepidation for Con to say something – anything. Finally, Con smiled tolerantly,
“I do see that it has been difficult for you, Nell and I accept your apology. To be honest, I don’t quite understand why you just couldn’t tell me this to start with, and I must admit that I have been rather angry about it, but that’s done with now.” She reached out and patted Nell’s shoulder. “Thank you for finally finding that you could come to me; after all we’ve been friends for a long time and we have to work together as well. It’s nice to know that all that will continue.” She smiled brightly at Nell, “Except of course, that I really don’t know just how long I will be here.” Making a huge effort, Nell swallowed and carefully asked the question that was obviously expected of her,
“And are you planning to be married soon, Con?”
“Well, Jock hasn’t really decided yet – maybe next summer, but I’ve suggested Easter as a possibility.”
“That would be nice,” said Nell flatly.
“Yes, it would – and I’m so looking forward to all the planning. It’ll be fun. ” With these words, Con jumped down off the desk, and started to move to the door. Nell remained motionless, one hand tightly clutching her crucifix. Con looked back at her,
“I’m pleased we were able to have this chat, Nell; I feel so much better now – and I hope you do too.” She reached the door and then stopped, her hand on the handle.
“Nell,” she said, suddenly uneasy, “there is one thing I need to tell you about; there’s a box upstairs with a lot of your belongings that we were able to bring from Austria -” Nell held up her hand,
“Don’t worry, Con,” she said levelly. “Hilda and Gwynneth gave them to me this afternoon.” Con sighed in relief,
“Oh, that’s alright then. That was thoughtful of them.”
“Yes.”
“Goodnight then, Nell.” And Con opened the door and was gone.
“Goodnight, Con,” whispered Nell to the empty room.

Nell had no clear idea of how long she remained in that classroom, painfully conscious of the chasm in understanding that now existed between Con and herself. She was not angry; there would be no point, as Con would not understand. “I’ve lost you, Con,” she thought sadly, “and you don’t even know that it’s happened.” She felt raw inside; every word that Con had spoken had confirmed the distance between them and she knew that there would be no bridging of this gap. Memories of Tyrol and Con crowded into her mind, and her eyes burned with tears, though she resolutely held them back. “This is the final part of something that began a long time ago,” she told herself. “You have so many happy memories of Con’s friendship; be thankful for that. And we will still be friends – of a kind.” But for now, this truth offered no consolation; a sick misery flooded her, and she desperately wanted the comfort that was Hilda’s presence. She left the classroom and went quietly upstairs.

 


#293:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:08 pm


Quote:
She was not angry; there would be no point, as Con would not understand. “I’ve lost you, Con,” she thought sadly, “and you don’t even know that it’s happened.” She felt raw inside; every word that Con had spoken had confirmed the distance between them and she knew that there would be no bridging of this gap. ..... “This is the final part of something that began a long time ago,” she told herself. “You have so many happy memories of Con’s friendship; be thankful for that. And we will still be friends – of a kind.” But for now, this truth offered no consolation; a sick misery flooded her, and she desperately wanted the comfort that was Hilda’s presence. She left the classroom and went quietly upstairs.



What a sad realisation for Nell to have to reach - and yet every word is so true. She and Con *have* been good friends and she has many lovely memories to remind her of that. But now they are moving in different directions and that closeness is irrecovably lost. The gulf between them is now far too large for that.

So sad, yet so inevitable, given Nell's recent experiences. In many ways it will be better for them both when Con and Jock marry and Con leaves the school.

How long will it be before Hilda senses Nell's need of her and seeks her out? Not long, I'll bet, since she saw Nell and Con leave the room and will be wondering.....

Another great episode, Cath - thank you for making up for lost time.

 


#294:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:21 pm


So, so sad, yet I can't help thinking that it was for the best - Con could never give Nell the love and understanding that Hilda and Gwynneth have shown her.

*Also expecting Hilda to appear and offer a shoulder very soon.*

But I still want to shake Con! swear

Thank you Cath.

 


#295:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 1:37 am


How agonizing for Nell! And Con doesn't even notice what's happening.

*very disappointed in Con*

I'm wondering if she's one of those people who turns into someone else after falling in love -- at least until the blindness wears off, some years later. The repeated "Jock thinks" is very characteristic. And as I recall, Corney classed Charlie as "real bad-tempered" in the run-up to Jock's whisking her away to Singapore ....

 


#296:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:26 am


I agree with Kathy_S - some people do just change like that. This really does fit so well. Thanks Cath

 


#297:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 9:03 am


Poor Con - it's a case of 'cant' as much as 'wont' with her. Much as I think she is more than a little silly, I have to think of her as beign deficient in understanding.

Poor, poor Nell, that is a horrid realisation to have to come to. To realize that where there was once frendship, and a deep one at that, there is now only emptiness. For it was emptiness I felt when reading the lines between them - there is just no point of contact, so Con is unable and unwilling to make an effort, and Nell is unable to do it on her own.

Nell was fantastic there - being able to tell Con quietly that she already had her things when that came up - though I think she felt there was far more to be said that was left covered up, especially when it came to that. I know that I would have been left with many questions at that meeting.

Thanks Cath - I do hope that Nell meets up with Hilda, or even Gwynneth very soon.

 


#298:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 9:36 am


*Goodnight, Con,” whispered Nell to the empty room*.

Such desolation, the emptiness of the room emphsizing the emptiness of their relationship.

Nell has grown, whereas Con has remained as she was, and has no imagination to see anything but her own desires and hurt feelings. She has no generosity in her and offered absolutely nothing to Nell.

*and she desperately wanted the comfort that was Hilda’s presence*

She didn't even need Hilda's words, did she, just her very presence? The presence that will calm her fears, fill the emptiness left by Con, and fill it so much more fully and deeply.

In a way you could say Con has been generous, for she has opened the way for Nell to have a new and more fulfilling relationship with someone who will never let her down. Someone who will understand her as she has never been understood before, who will challenge her, help her to be more than she ever thought she could be.

 


#299:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 4:44 pm


Poor Nell - and Con can't see what's wrong with what she has said. Or indeed what she has left unsaid.

Thanks Cath

 


#300:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:01 pm


Thanks, Cath. It's good that Con agreed to talk to Nell but I'm sorry that things won't be the same between them after this.

 


#301:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:25 pm


Knowing what was to happen to Singapore, though Con did manage to escape from that too, I wonder if later she came to realise a little better everything that Nell went through.

 


#302:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:29 pm


Con sees only the superficialities of the situation, and doesn't even want to know how hurt Nell has been by what happened to her.

She's also practising for being a 'good wife' in the conventional sense.

 


#303:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 10:04 pm


Poor Neel - at least she now has Hilda to comfort her, but losing a friend is so painful. Sometimes you just grow apart, and although you don't want to admit it, the friendship loses all depth, and becomes extremely superficial.

Hope she finds Hilda upstairs.

 


#304:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:14 am


Thank you for your comments! And the next part:

Hilda had slipped away from the Staff room as soon as she reasonably could, truthfully pleading tiredness and a slight headache as her reasons for wanting an early night. She had reached the bottom of the stairs, when a voice hailed her,
“Hilda! Can you wait a moment?” It was Con, looking unusually cheerful - and by herself. Hilda frowned slightly; where was Nell?
“I’m so glad I caught you, before you went to bed.” Hilda raised an enquiring eyebrow, and Con went on, “Yes, I don’t know whether you noticed, but Nell asked to speak to me after dinner. She wanted to apologise for her previous behaviour.”
“And, if I may ask, Con, what was your response?” Con shrugged her shoulders,
“Well, as I said to you this afternoon, if she apologised, I was happy. I didn’t see the need for lengthy explanations, so that’s that.”
“Did you tell her this?” Con looked slightly surprised by Hilda’s sharp tone,
“Yes, of course I did, and she was - well, she was fine: a bit quiet maybe. Oh, and I mentioned those things we brought from Austria, and she told me that you and Gwynneth had handed them over to her yesterday. ”
“Yes, we did.” For the first time, Con looked a little discomfited.
“I suppose I should have sent them to her at the cottage – but she didn’t tell me that she wanted them, and she did know where I was. Anyway, thank you for making sure that they were returned.”
“It was a pleasure.” At this, Con looked inquiringly at Hilda, her attention caught by the clipped tones, but as nothing else was forthcoming, she relaxed and turned away, glancing at her watch as she did so.
“Goodness, it’s getting late – and I’ve still got to write to Jock.”

For a moment Hilda was speechless as an unexpected white flame of anger consumed her. She wanted to scream at Con, force her to understand how tormented Nell still was, to have some idea of what she had been through during the past year. Furious bitter words burned in her: “Do you have any idea of what she witnessed? Do you know that she still wakes in terror at night? How startled she is by anything unexpected? That she has to battle to overcome her fear during the day ? That she has felt so guilty at having survived and escaped, when others could not that she has stayed away from Mass? And you know what that would have meant to her!” But she said nothing, knowing that Con could not - or would not - believe her. And the words were not hers to say anyway; they belonged to Nell. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to maintain her calm demeanour,
“I see. Thank you for telling me Con.”
“I thought you’d like to know,” said Con serenely. “Goodnight, Hilda.”
Hilda watched her go upstairs with a feeling of complete disbelief, which was rapidly overwhelmed by her concern for Nell. How had she met Con’s obtuseness and insensitivity? Not with anger, that much was certain; the clash of those tempers would have been formidable had it occurred! But the quietness which Con had mentioned so airily had undoubtedly masked a very real grief and pain. The thought of a lonely unhappy Nell was too much for Hilda, and she swung round in the direction of the classrooms, to see if she could find her. The sound of Gwynneth’s voice halted her.
“I wouldn’t just yet, Hilda.”
“Gwynneth!” Hilda turned in surprise to see Gwynneth emerging from the shadow of the doorway that led to the dining and classrooms. “How long have you been there?”
“I heard your conversation with Con – if that’s what you’re really asking. And I wouldn’t go to Nell just yet it I were you. She needs time to deal with what she heard earlier from her former friend.” Hilda eyed her doubtfully,
“Are you sure, Gwynneth?” Gwynneth nodded,
“Yes, Hilda. You had to struggle to restrain yourself, didn’t you? And it may have been that much harder for Nell. I know that your only thought is that you want to find Nell and comfort her, but she may not be ready for that; she may even resent you or feel threatened, if you go to her too soon. ”
“No, she wouldn’t,” replied Hilda with complete certainty. Gwynneth smiled,
“Alright, I agree, she wouldn’t – not as far as you’re concerned, anyway. But like last night, let her have a little time. Heaven knows, she’s dealt with a lot during the last forty-eight hours: as have you!” Hilda’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Is that all it is? It feels like forever!”
“Well it isn’t, it’s just two days. Now I strongly recommend that you head upstairs now.” She glanced over her shoulder, “That way, you’ll at least avoid any more interruptions!” And Hilda, suddenly hearing the sound of Grizel’s pretty laughter, and Simone’s clear tones, decided that Gwynneth was right and ran swiftly up the stairs.
“Goodnight, Gwynneth, and thank you,” she called back softly.

Arriving at her room she realised immediately that Nell had not yet returned, and was sorely tempted to go and search for her. However with Gwynneth’s words of advice still fresh in her mind, she stayed where she was, spending a few moments in making some of her evening preparations. Then remembering the condition of Nell’s room as she had last seen it, she cautiously opened the connecting door, and switched on the light. She had been right; despite Nell’s efforts earlier, the floor was still dotted with islands of books, a heap of smaller articles was piled at the foot of the bed, and Nell’s dressing-gown had made its way with unerring accuracy to the floor, where it was guaranteed to trip up the unwary. Shaking her head, Hilda set to work, and within ten minutes had produced a semblance of order; her final actions were to switch on the bedside lamp and pick up the dressing-gown, muttering as she did, “If I had a pound for the number of times I’ve hung this up…!” Then she sat down quietly near the open window and waited.

 


#305:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:26 am


How right Hilda was about what that clash of those two tempers would have been like. But Nell realises there is no point. Crying or Very sad

But is Gwynneth right here? Should Hilda be listening to her or trusting her own instincts that lonely, unhappy Nell needs the comfort only she can give her?

No, Gwynneth, she would NOT feel resentful or threatened where Hilda was concerned.

And where IS Nell? Waiting somewhere for Hilda? Crying or Very sad

Thank you, my dear, wonderful as always.

 


#306:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:33 am


Phew, thank you cath. That is such a packed episode. Poor Hilda, to have Con tell her what she has just done to Nell so serenely. Then to have to hold on to her own temper - no wonder it was flaring badly. Well done Hilda in keeping hold of it.

Like Mary, I'm questioning how right Gwynneth is in telling Hilda not to go to Nell, but then, that is only due to knowing part of the way Nell felt after Con left her.

Thanks once again for another glimpse at the way the minds of these dear people are working. It must have been so difficult to write.

 


#307:  Author: LyanneLocation: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:53 am


I'm wondering if Gwyneth sees the danger in Hilda going to Nell every time Nell needs her, without Nell asking for her. Nell could become reliant on Hilda, and not regain her own strength.

 


#308:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 9:36 am


I think Hilda should tell Con - agreed, she shouldn't have to, but if Con is really being so obtuse, wouldn't it be the best thing? As it is she's been left in complete ignorance again!

Thanks Cath

 


#309:  Author: kerenLocation: Israel PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 12:32 pm


This drabble is only 48 hours,
I don't believe it either!

Con is just living in a world of her own.

 


#310:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 12:53 pm


I'm not sticking up for Con, but I do find her response is understandable. She had what she thinks of as a bad experience in Austria, she got away safely, and now all that she wants to do is feel safe and cosy, and get married to her Jock.

We might find her unsympathetic, but I think she's clinging on to what she thinks of as normality because she dare not contemplate what might happen in the future. A lot of people believed that Hitler and the Nazis would never dare to begin a world war, and Con is one of them. To her, it's unthinkable.

If she were to know what had happened to Nell, she would be horrified, but she would still believe that the past is better buried, and that Nell ought to look forward to the future rather than 'harping' on the past.

Con has never been tried and tested as Nell was, so she cannot understand the depth of Nell's horror.

 


#311:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 2:56 pm


Oh boy, what a mixed bag of responses you have generated here, Cath - My views?

It's definitely just as well that Con hasn't confronted Nell herself - given their respective tempers, the air might have been blue, and as Mary says, it's just not worth a full blown row.

Gwynneth was probably correct in cautioning Hilda not to go to Nell immediately, either, especially since she was still angry with Con's response.

But the fact that Hilda then chose to go to Nell's room and wait for her after a little time had elapsed, as she did, was the right thing to do. She is sensitive enough to Nell's feelings that she would leave her alone at once if that's what Nell wanted once she found Hilda waiting (apologies for that dreadful syntax, but you all know what I'm saying!)

As for Con, she was never blessed with the same perspicacity as the other two, and also still has no real concept of what Nell has endured. She lives her life on a different level, and also has her own very real anxieties, firstly about Jock, and then about her fear for the future, which in its turn brings her reluctance to accept changes. While all of this doesn't justify her attitude to Nell and her lack of understanding of Nell's situation, it does help us to understand where she is coming from.
As Jennie said, she has never been tested on the level which Nell has been.

Lovely as always, Cath - thank you. Please don't keep us waiting too long for that meeting between Hilda and Nell.

 


#312:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 9:15 pm


Cannot feel much for Con other than anger and pity. The worst thing is, she doesn't even realise all she has lost. Think Hilda's instincts are right here, Nell is going to need her, but on her own terms - and Hilda? Make Nell tidy up after herself! Laughing

Thanks Cath.

 


#313:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 11:01 pm


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Gwynneth was able to calm Hilda down.

 


#314:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 12:21 am


Have just caught up on several posts of this - wow! and thanks Cath

I think Lesley is right, and maybe one day Con will look back on this day and regret how she responded.

Liz

 


#315:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 7:41 am


Well, that produced a variety of views. Sorry about the delay, but we have had a lovely but somewhat crowded RL. I meant to post this morning, but was so tired, I went back to bed instead....

Anyway...and it's a nice long one.

By now it was growing dark and the first few stars prickled across the sky. The faint scent of night-scented stock drifted in, accompanied by the more pungent odour of tobacco, and the sound of humming and Hilda realised that Herr Anserl must be in the garden. The shadows were darkly elongated over the floor, and she remembered lying in bed in the nursery on those long-ago summer nights, hearing the indistinct rumble of her father’s and brothers’ voices below and smelling the smoke from her father’s pipe as it floated up from the garden where he was sitting; the world had been a safe and happy place for that small girl. She sighed, longing briefly for a return to those secure contented days, then chided herself gently for wanting the impossible. “I wonder what time it is?” she murmured, and glancing down at her watch, gasped in surprise. Her conversation with Con had been over half an hour ago! Where on earth was Nell? Was she alright? Perhaps Gwynneth was wrong and leaving Nell alone had been a mistake? She got up, and then sat down again; Nell did need the chance to come to terms with what had happened that evening. She would wait just a little longer.
Finally, her patience was rewarded; she heard soft footsteps approaching and the door opened. In the lamplight, Nell’s face was white and rigid, her mouth firmly compressed. Her grey eyes were sad and shone with the tears that she was struggling to hold back.
“H-Hilda,” she whispered shakily. Wordlessly, Hilda held out her arms, and, without a moment’s hesitation, Nell went to her, dropping to her knees, and burying her head on Hilda’s shoulder. Hilda’s arms closed around her and she held the weeping Nell close.
“It’s alright, sweetheart,” she whispered. “I know it hurts to be left alone like this. But it will get better, I promise.” Nell made no answer, but gradually, her sobs slowed and she sat back on her heels. Carefully, Hilda leaned forward and wiped the tears from her face. Nell took a single shuddering breath, and swallowed painfully.
“Thank you for being here for me, Hilda,” she whispered, “And for giving me some time by myself. I needed that.” The tears welled up again, and she wiped them away with an impatient hand.
“I suppose I knew all the time, really,” she said. “But it was the – the having to accept it.”
“Accept what, Nell?” asked Hilda gently.
“That Con has changed so much. That the gap between us has become so wide. I felt it in Tyrol, you know, after she met Jock. It was as if – as if she became another person.” She looked shyly up at Hilda, and Hilda nodded. “I’ve always believed that when you loved someone, you became more yourself, more the person you were meant to be, because that was what love required of you. But Con – didn’t somehow.”
“I know,” said Hilda softly. Nell smiled sadly.
“I couldn’t understand it at first. But she seemed to be changing before my eyes; it was almost as if our friendship had to be different, and as it was obviously what she wanted, I didn’t make a fuss.”
“You were very understanding – and brave,” commented Hilda quietly, catching hold of Nell’s hand.
“Well, there wasn’t anything else to do was there? Not much that’s brave about that!”
“Some of us may beg to differ.” Nell ignored Hilda’s rejoinder, and carried on quietly.
“It was a huge shock when I met her again. She came to the cottage, on what was one of my worst days. I don’t remember much about it, you know, except that it was autumn. I was just about functioning, I think, and inside me - all I could see and hear was that garden, over and over again.” She trembled and Hilda’s handclasp tightened.
“It’s alright, Nell,” she said soothingly. Nell breathed deeply for a few seconds, and closed her eyes.
“ I was in the garden at the cottage. I thought it might help, try to banish that other place, being somewhere I’d been happy. And it did, a little. Then I heard a car stopping, and there she was. Suddenly, with no warning. It was as if both the worlds I was trying to keep apart had suddenly crashed together . . . Hilda, I can’t begin to tell you how scared I was.” She laughed, a little bitterly, “‘Scared to death’: whoever first said that was so right. All I could think about was escaping, getting away; she was talking to me, but I couldn’t hear her. And then Jock was there.”
“But it wasn’t Jock you saw, was it?” The words hung in the air and the silence thickened. Nell opened her eyes, and Hilda was horrified to see again the torment that she hoped had been dispelled.
“Tell me, Nell, please,” she begged, and Nell’s body tensed.
“No, it wasn’t. Just for a moment, he was there, mocking me.”
“Who was?”
“The Leutnant . . . ” She shuddered, staring at nothing, and Hilda held her tightly.
“Dear Nell, I promise you that he can’t ever hurt you again.” Slowly Nell relaxed and the anguish in her eyes diminished.
“It was only for a moment, Hilda, but that was all it took. I felt hunted, as if I was never going to escape him, even in the places that I had always been safe.”
“What happened then, Nell?” Nell shrugged,
“I knew I couldn’t cope with this any more, and I didn’t want to shock Con, so I simply told her that she would have to go. Then I went inside, waited until they’d left, threw some things into a rucksac, and left for the moor. I’m not quite sure how long I spent up there – several days I think – but it did help. At least, when I got back I was able to carry on a little longer.”
“And did you hear anything more from Con?” Nell shook her head,
“Not for a while: after about a month, she wrote to me, but I didn’t feel that I could manage to write back, so I let it slide. Perhaps I should have tried harder; I don’t know. But I don’t think it would have mattered what I’d written or said - I don’t think she would have understood.”
“I’m so sorry, Nell.” Nell reached up and touched Hilda’s cheek lightly.
“I know you are, Hilda.” She smiled briefly. “Don’t be too sad; I have a lot of good memories of Tyrol that I wouldn’t be without. And I’ve accepted that Con has no idea of what happened to me, and wouldn’t understand if she did. The focus of her life has shifted to Jock, and that’s something that happened a long time ago. Besides,” she continued, a sudden touch of pink appearing in her cheeks, “ I have your friendship, and I do value that.”
“Oh, Nell!”
“I mean it, Hilda; I’ve put you through an incredible amount during the last two days, and you’re still here with me. I don’t really have the words to say what that means to me, but - ”
“You’re my friend, Nell.”
“And I shall always be thankful that you are. And Hilda – if you should ever need me, then know that I will be here for you – no matter what it takes.” At this Hilda felt a sudden lump in her throat, and she held Nell close again.

 


#316:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 7:58 am


That was a beautiful picture of how close their friendship is, they are not afraid to say anything - it's all explored, and examined. Poor Nell. That is so hard. Of course Con could never have understood that, but I *know* that Hilda will be really pleased that Nell felt able to give her her view of what happened when Con visited her at the cottage.

Cath, there is so much there, that it's difficult to go into it all - Hilda's memories of the time it was safe, her concern when she realises that Nell has been away so long, and her accepting that while she might be concerned she may as well stick by the decision she has made.

Thank you Cath - t'was great Smile

 


#317:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 1:37 pm


I'm so glad they're there for eachother - what a wonderful friendship. It won't replace what Nell lost with Con, but it will be something new, and stronger, because Hilda always tries to put herself in the other person's shoes.

 


#318:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 1:41 pm


That was a lovely piece of writing, Cath, thank you Kiss

 


#319:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 3:49 pm


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Nell has explained herself to Hilda and she has been able to get it off her chest.

 


#320:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 4:14 pm


Such a frank and open revelation from Nell here, however much the retelling hurt. We can certainly understand why she reacted to Con and Jock as she did when they came to the cottage - she really was still in the depth of despair and fear, despite all she was trying to do to live normally again and those memories were just too much for her.

Thank goodness that Hilda followed her instinct and was waiting when Nell finally came back to her room - it's wonderful to see how the understanding and relationship between these two is deepening and strengthening with each of Nell's revelations. I'm glad that Nell had already begun to realise that the relationship between Con and herself had started to change after Con and Jock were engaged - as she said earlier, she does have good memories of their former relationship.

I don't think for a minute that Nell and Con could resume their future relationship, but I do wonder if Con would gain more understanding of that change if she learned just what Nell had endured and what it was that had triggered her reaction at the cottage.

Beautifully done, Cath - and well worth waiting for! Glad you enjoyed your busy RL few days too.

 


#321:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 5:33 pm


Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#322:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 5:44 pm


Just caught up again. thanks Cath - beautifully done.

 


#323:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 7:18 pm


Oh Cath, what a beautiful, tender and moving scene between these two magnificent women, who are becoming more in tune with each other with every moment that passes. It's as though, now, they can commune without words.

Nell has now accepted the way Con has changed, and can hold the good memories - but how chilling that Jock should have reminded her of the Lt. Crying or Very sad Hilda is right, though - he can never hurt her again.

And Nell is so right in her definition of what love should mean.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#324:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 6:08 am


Oh, thank you. Now, thought I'd post this before the weekend starts - twice in two days! ... then I can have a think about what's coming next! Very Happy

Oh, and Mary - this one is for you with thanks for allowing me to borrow!


Neither of them said anything more, and they sat quietly for a while, each gaining comfort from the other’s silent presence and the peacefulness of the evening. Finally, Nell stirred, and Hilda looked at her carefully; she was calmer, although her face was very pale and her eyes were sad. But the look of terrible misery that they had held so recently was gone; “still” thought Hilda, “I suppose it’s too much to expect that it won’t return at times. She’s been through too much, and there are still too many reminders for it all to be plain sailing. And goodness knows just what’s going to happen abroad.” Almost as if Nell had heard her final thought, she suddenly said,
“ The one thing that I have difficulty in understanding about Con is how she can ignore what’s happening in Europe.” Hilda nodded in perfect understanding,
“I know,” she said, “it seems so obvious – only a question of when, not if.”
“And Con teaches history!”
“I know,” said Hilda again. “The only thing I can think of is that because she so desperately wants a return to all that she's known, she’s determined to believe that everything will be alright.”
“She’s afraid,” replied Nell quietly, “and it will be dreadful for her when it happens. ” Hilda glanced at Nell,
“She may need your help, Nell.” Nell looked at her levelly,
“If she will accept it, it’s there for her.” Hilda squeezed her hand lightly,
“You’re a good friend, Helena Margaret Wilson.”
“Don’t be silly, what else could I do?”
“Exactly! Now, I suggest that you go and wash your face and I’ll get us a drink of something.”

Two minutes later, Nell returned to her room, all traces of her recent tears removed, to find Hilda serenely occupying the armchair, two glasses and a bottle of cognac on the table beside her. Nell stared in mild surprise,
“I didn’t know that was what you had in mind when you uttered the word ‘drink.’ But I approve!” she added quickly as Hilda raised an eyebrow. Curling up on the bed, she accepted the proffered glass, sniffed cautiously at its contents, then took an appreciative sip.
“Thank you Hilda. Very nice indeed and I notice that it’s rather better than the parental bottle downstairs!” Hilda’s eyes twinkled,
“You know me Nell, I’ve always believed that if I’m expected to partake of sherry as part of my professional duties, then I can compensate for it in private!”
“Not too much I hope! Do you remember Mollie Maynard’s face when she saw that first bottle on the shelf in your room?” Hilda grinned wickedly.
“No greater than the shock Mademoiselle got when all your Left Book Club parcels started arriving!” Nell chuckled unexpectedly, and took another sip,
“You know, I never really felt she believed me when I said they were for research purposes. And if I might remind you, a good third of those books were for you!”
“Yes, you being a member of that particular book club was convenient!”
“That depends; as I recall it you kept trying to convert me to the dubious joys of Yeats and Eliot – to say nothing of Woolf!”
“You told me you liked Yeats! And then you made me read all that Orwell!” Nell giggled,
“Yes, I did, didn’t I?” She looked around the room, perplexed and slightly worried, “That’s odd; I don’t remember tidying this up.”
“You didn’t!” said Hilda tartly.
“Oh, I see, well … thank you.”
“Next time, I won’t young woman, so you’d better be prepared for Matey's . .” She stopped as she caught sight of Nell’s face; the laughter had gone and she was swirling the remaining liquid in her glass, her eyes fixed on its golden depths, obviously struggling with something.
“She doesn’t know, does she?” she finally said. “You do, but Con doesn’t.”
“Know what?”
“About the “cliffs of fall.”

There was a long silence, then Hilda said,
“You saw the Hopkins then.” A suddenly nervous Nell replied,
“Yes”, and then added quickly, “but I wasn’t prying Hilda; it’s your business.” Hilda looked down at her hands, locked in her lap; inside her the ache of an old grief throbbed. She put down her glass very carefully, hearing the words forming in her head, refusing to meet Nell’s sombre eyes.
“I think I wanted you to see it, Nell, wanted you to see that I was lost and despairing once. That I knew. . . it’s not the same place, Nell, for each of us it’s different, but I do know some of what it’s like.” Nell’s gaze was very intent,
“That’s why you could reach me, isn’t it? Why you were willing to try? Make the effort to find me?”
“I do know about it Nell, lying agonised in the dark, and thinking that the morning will never come, that the light has left you forever, and that you’ll be surrounded by mocking ghosts for the rest of your life.” Hilda got up and walked restlessly to the window, where she stood fiddling with the curtain cord, and staring out at the night, avoiding Nell’s anxious gaze. Her face was almost mask-like, her beautiful eyes dark with remembered grief. She bit her lip hard, wincing at the pain. Abruptly she began to speak, her voice very level and controlled,
“Eight years ago, I was engaged to be married.” Nell’s eyes widened in shocked surprise, and she slipped off the bed to stand behind Hilda. A bleak little smile touched Hilda’s lips. “Nobody here knows that, and my brothers have forgotten. I met James at Oxford -he was training to be a medical missionary, and we were planning to go to India after we married. Anyway, he was concerned that the climate might be too much for me, so we decided that he would make a preliminary trip and see just what it was like.” She fell silent reliving the agonising moment when James had walked away from her, onto the ship, out of her life . . . “He was killed in a train crash the day after he landed in India,” she said starkly. Appalled, Nell put her arms around the rigid body, but Hilda did not seem to notice her.
“When I was told, I wanted to die too,” Hilda continued, almost casually. “But I learned that you don’t; it isn’t as simple as that. And the next year . . .” She stopped, pushing away the memories of that time, and continued, “The next year was terrible.” She shuddered, staring at nothing, and Nell remained quiet, simply holding her and waiting for Hilda to emerge from her darkness. Eventually, Hilda’s body relaxed slightly and her eyes lightened. She turned to face Nell,
“Thank you for listening, Nell,” she said quietly. “I’m glad that I could tell you; it’s comforting that you know.” Nell spoke again, echoing her earlier words,
“Remember that I’m here for you Hilda, if you need me.”

 


#325:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 6:18 am


Stunning, absolutely stunning. There is so much covered here. Again the openness is so challenging Cath, the way that they suddenly leave the more general horrors and plunge deep into some personal pain, something which has had to be lived though.

I'm glad that Hilda has now shared her pain with Nell, the issues she has had to work through in the past. This can only cement their friendship even more. They may talk about this again, or never mention it, it makes no difference, they have shared these times with each other. That is the main thing.

Thanks Cath.

 


#326:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 6:22 am


Poor Hilda. I'm so glad that Nell has got to the point where she can feel someone else's sorrow, too. And her understanding of Con is amazing. Thanks for this, Cath.

 


#327:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 11:38 am


Cath V-P wrote:

Oh, and Mary - this one is for you with thanks for allowing me to borrow!

““I do know about it Nell, lying agonised in the dark, and thinking that the morning will never come, that the light has left you forever, and that you’ll be surrounded by mocking ghosts for the rest of your life.”


Cath, you are more than welcome to borrow my James. I don't know why Hilda confided him to me - she was very insistent - but I am sure she will be delighted that we could both make something beautiful out of him for her.

You have interweaved him so well into this part of your story and helped Nell in the process, for she so needed someone who had the feelings expressed by Hilda in the quote above, that light had disappeared forever from one's life. But Hilda has come to realise that *morn shall tearless be*

- just as Nell will realise one day.

 


#328:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 11:55 am


Thanks, Cath. I'm sorry that Hilda lost James.

 


#329:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:41 pm


Thanks, Cath. This is so moving.

 


#330:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:58 pm


Thank you Cath

Liz

 


#331:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 2:19 pm


Thank you Cath, in a way I can feel sorry for Con and glad that she moved away from Nell, because it allowed Hilda and Nell to become so much closer. And their friendship is one that will not be shaken.

 


#332: The Return Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 11:00 pm


I missed this yesterday, as my computer refused to access the drabbles (I think I must have been trying while the site was being prettied up). It was so frustrating to see that you had posted and be unable to read it, because I really love this, Cath.

I think many women, like Con, used to feel that, when they had 'found their man', he would provide all the fulfilment they would ever need in their lives, and that their female friendships were somehow inferior and unimportant in comparison. It doesn't work like that, of course, and Con will find that out, and regret Nell. I wonder if Jock reminded Nell of the Lt. so strongly because he was also someone who had deeply hurt her (not his fault, of course) in taking Con away? I agree with those who feel that Con could possibly respond differently if she knew the truth (though I'm not sure, given that their relationship has always been rather a jolly, playful one). I don't think Nell could ever tell her herself now, but she might be able to give Hilda or Gwynneth permission to?

But I do feel, like Lesley, that the loss of Con has made it possible for Nell to draw even closer to Hilda, and the gradual deepening of their relationship is magic. They are now sharing their most profound griefs, and their growing love will bring to both of them the solace they've been seeking.

Thank you, Cath.

 


#333:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 12:38 am


Cath - I meant to post here much earlier today, but it's been one of those....! Now it's well into Saturday morning in your neck of the woods, whilst it's still only Friday evening just after dinner here!!

I really loved this section - Nell's willingness still to help Con if the latter needs or will accept her help; both Hilda and Nell's understanding that Con's own fear for the future is what's driving so much of her reactions, and finally, Hilda's confiding the story of James' courtship and death to Nell. All these things, and particularly the last go so much further towards building the relationship which is developing between Hilda and Nell.

Tara made an excellent point about what women's expectations for their future were at this period, once they became engaged, and how this attitude, too, would have affected Con's relationship with Nell. But I also honestly think that at the time Con and Jock visited the cottage, Nell was still at the stage where *any* man would have reminded her, however fleetingly, of Lt. Bhaer - in this case, the real problem was that Con and Jock couldn't understand her reaction, and Nell herself was completely incapable of explaining it to them - all she wanted to do was to get them to leave so that she could run away from that memory.

As always, I'm looking forward to further developments. Thanks, Cath.

 


#334:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 7:08 am


Thank you for all your lovely thoughtful comments. I have a very clear sensation that "Return" is coming to an end, so there may well not be much more to come. However....there is a sequel (or 2!) and I have written quite a lot already as the voices have been very clear...
In the meantime:


Hilda nodded, suddenly incapable of speech. She felt oddly shaky and was glad of Nell’s arms around her as memories of James threatened to overwhelm her.
“Come and sit down and finish your drink, Hilda,” said Nell quietly. Numbly, Hilda did as Nell had suggested, welcoming the warmth of the brandy coursing through her suddenly cold body. Nell regarded her with concern as she sat there, caught in the pain and grief of her past. “Just as I was,” she thought, and realised for the first time just how far she had come from that bitter haunted self during the last two days. “And it’s Hilda I have to thank,” she told herself, and in wordless gratitude raised a hand to stroke Hilda’s face gently. Hilda leaned against her, a single tear slipping slowly down her cheek.
“It’s strange, Nell,” she said at last. “I’ve got so used to nobody knowing about James that now you do, I’m suddenly a little scared.” She looked almost fearfully at Nell who took her hand in a reassuring clasp,
“I know. You almost feel threatened, don’t you? Part of you is so relieved that somebody, somewhere knows, but at the same time, you feel unexpectedly vulnerable.” Hilda nodded, slightly shame-faced, then added in a low voice,
“And it almost seems like it happened to someone else, long ago and far away.”
“Eight years is a long time, Hilda.”
“And my life has gone in directions that I could never have anticipated.” She smiled wistfully, “He would have approved of what I’ve been able to do, I think; teaching, passing on what I’ve learned, advocating education for girls whenever I could. He believed passionately that everybody – male, female, rich, poor – should receive all the education that they required. That was an enormous shock to me you know; Father supported me when I asked to go to university, but nobody else did. I had a huge disagreement with John, when I first discussed it, and then again, when Father died and John insisted that I leave Oxford. Fortunately, Father had left me enough money to let me ignore John, but we’ve never really got on well since then. So when James so openly supported the necessity of educating girls, I was amazed – and delighted. We were friends form that moment.” Her voice was soft and happy, and Nell caught a sudden glimpse of the younger Hilda.
“I think he would have been incredibly proud of you,” she said earnestly. Hilda was quiet for a moment,
“I hope so,” she murmured finally, “I did the best I could.” And Nell understood that even if Hilda never spoke of James again, the simple fact that Nell knew of his existence, and what he had meant to her, would form another part of the bond that held them.
“As does what I told you,” she whispered. Hilda did not reply – Nell was not actually sure whether she had heard the words or not – and she realised that Hilda was almost asleep.
“Come along Hilda,” she said firmly, “you’re exhausted.” She guided an unusually docile Hilda into her own room, and waited until the latter had returned from the bathroom. Then, as Hilda had done so recently for her, she saw her into bed and sat down beside her. Hilda stretched and yawned,
“I didn’t know I was so tired, Nell.” Nell leaned forward and smoothed back her hair, and Hilda smiled lovingly at her,
“Good night, Nell, and thank you.” Nell smiled gently back at this most beloved of friends,
“Good night and God bless you, dear one.” As she got up, Hilda murmured drowsily,
“The worst part would have been forgetting…”

 


#335:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 8:04 am


Oh Cath, that last line was so touching.

How in tune they now are, almost reading each others' minds, and each offering the other succour out of their own pain and despair.

Hilda lost so much when she lost James, but with Nell she can discover new joy, a new meaning to her life, a closeness she thought had gone for ever.

Thank you for that.

 


#336:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:51 am


Thanks Cath. Such a shame that Nell and Con's relationship has broken down like that - hope it can be salvaged one day. Sad

So sad about James.

 


#337:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:08 pm


Thank you Cath.

 


#338:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:29 pm


Thanks, Cath. It's good that James supported Hilda in her decision to be at university. I'm glad that the bond has been strengthened even more between Hilda and Nell. I'm definitely looking forward to the sequel to this drabble!

 


#339:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:52 pm


Just what Chair said. Thanks Cath

 


#340:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:18 pm


Thanks, Cath. That was so moving.

 


#341:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:50 pm


Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#342:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:06 pm


Another truly lovely and moving episode, filling in yet another piece of the picture which is the developing relationship between Nell and Hilda.

By sharing her memories of James with Nell, Hilda really has ensured that they will not be forgotten because she will always have someone who 'knows' him and who can share her memories with her. In the same way, by sharing all that happened to her from the time she was captured in Austria, Nell has laid many of her 'ghosts' to rest, but she knows that whenever they come back to haunt her, (and it's almost inevitable that they will) Hilda will be there to listen to her and comfort her.

Is it any wonder that these two are becoming kindred spirits and establishing a relationship which will last for the rest of their lives? Or, as we see in Mary's New Dreams, is it any wonder that Hilda's grief at Nell's death is so profound?

I'm a little sorry for Con in all of this, but as Nell truly acknowledges, their lives are moving in different directions now - and they do have many happy memories of their earlier friendship.

Thanks Cath - I can see why you sense that this story is moving towards its conclusion, and a very satisfying one, too.

 


#343:  Author: gaityrLocation: Singapore PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:24 pm


Thanks Cath - while I too can tell the end is nigh, I'm so pleased with how this has progressed so far, and the latest bit is just great. Yes, now Nell will hold James in her heart just as Hilda remembers Nell's family and her past for her. It's unbearably sweet.
And I can't WAIT for the sequels. Very Happy

 


#344:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 9:07 pm


Thank you Cath. Kiss

 


#345:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 9:55 pm


I read the last post this morn, but didn't have any time to reply.

It's wonderful to see Hilda and Nell being a comfort to each other. There's no one-sidedness in that friendship; it's give and take for both of them.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#346: return Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 11:33 pm


Can (oops, I mean may) I hop backwards (I really do mean 'may', as I certainly can't!) for a bit. I was so overwhelmed with the emotion of the latest section that I forgot to say how much I'd enjoyed seeing the subversive side of Hilda and Nell in the secret store of alcohol and the Left Book Club. There are appearances they have to keep up, but they don't actually give a heck for convention, and are eager to stretch their thinking in different directions.

A very sobering thought that, if Hilda hadn't been financially independent, she could have been removed from Oxford by her brother. It probably resonates less with CBBers who are much younger than I, but I was born in 1947, and it wasn't until 1948 that Cambridge (the last uni to do so) admitted women to degrees (they could study before then, but couldn't get the degree). Women were given the vote in the year my mother was born - and that is deeply scary. Imagine what it would have meant for Hilda.

As for the confidences, yes, they have both made themselves vulnerable, but oh the comfort of having someone who knows everything and still loves.

Cath, I can only do without this if you swear on all you hold holy that there will be a sequel! And sorry to maunder on, but, as a new girl, there is so much wonderful stuff to catch up with.

 


#347:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 5:51 am


Thank you for all the splendid comments.
And Tara, I promise that there are not one, but two sequels coming along - both of which are partly written. And thank you for your comment on their secret subversion - I had fun writing that (well, it was dictated, really...) Very Happy

Next part:

Nell stopped abruptly, and stared down at Hilda. What had she just said? Surely she was wrong? All Nell had begged to do was to be allowed to forget, when remembering was such a torment. Forgetting would have been a blessed release from the pain of the present. Hilda must be wrong. Breathing very carefully and concentrating on not waking Hilda, she went quietly into her own room and knelt down at the window, one hand clutching her crucifix. Her heart crashed unevenly in her chest and a grey mist swirled before her. “Am I wrong?” she thought frantically. “Wanting to forget?” For a half-second the urge to go to Hilda was overwhelming, and she fought it down. This was her battle, something she had to do for herself. “I can’t,” she thought desperately, “I can’t. Please don’t ask me.” The silence was loud around her, and she covered her mouth with her hand to keep back the wail of misery that was building inside her. All that time spent so fearfully, trying by any means to forget, to distance herself, to keep out that particular piece of the past – had she been trying to achieve the unattainable?
The moonlight glanced on the frame of Cherry’s photograph and Nell picked it up, her face softening. Until last year Cherry’s death had been the worst thing that had happened in her life – even worse than the death of her parents. “Remember how you couldn’t see her face?” a little voice remarked in her mind. Nell bit her lip, forcing herself to consider that time, so recently, when she could not rely on the security of her own memories, and had been so bewildered and desolate. Hilda was right; forgetting was a loss – worse: it was a betrayal. “I can’t pick and choose, can I?” she said aloud, and looked around in desperation. “Please help me,” she prayed quietly, and for the first time, deliberately sought the recollection which had almost destroyed her.
Slowly, she forced herself to summon up the memory of those three figures in that garden. She concentrated on the memory of their silent appearance against that wall, - the old man with his yarmulke slightly crooked, and the two younger men, one with blood on his face, and all of them knowing that for them, there was nothing more here . . . She felt again the bruising grasp of the Leutnant’s hand on her arm as he compelled her to watch what she could not change and it seemed to her that the night air was heavy with the perfume of roses, and the odour of the blood on her fingers. She heard the echo of her own voice exclaiming wildly, “I’m terrified that I’ll stop seeing them, because then I will have forgotten and betrayed them too,” and as if in clear reply, there came Hilda’s resolute assertion of yesterday (was it only yesterday?) morning: “You will take back your life.”
“I have,” she said aloud, “and I will not forget you. I promise.” A ruffle of wind shivered the curtains, and then there was only the garden in the moonlight. “Christ in the garden,” she thought suddenly, and a curious sensation of peace stole over her.

Quietly, almost mechanically, Nell got ready for bed. Then, she went to her desk, where the volumes of her diary were piled and pulled out the most recent. She stood there for a long time, hugging the book to her, then curled up on her bed, and opened it. She had written the last entry two days before that ill-fated shopping trip to Spartz and the book was only half-full. She sat there considering the blank pages for a long time. Then she picked up her pen, and slowly began to write.

 


#348:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:04 am


Wonderful, the healing process is almost complete. Instead of retreating into herself in a desperate effort to forget, Nell is now actively trying to remember. It is only by remembering atrocities that we can try to ensure they not happen again, and we give meaning to the lives and deaths of those cut short.

Thank you Cath.

 


#349:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:25 am


Wonderful.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#350:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:16 pm


Thanks, Cath. I like the fact that she has a diary to write down her feelings as well.

 


#351:  Author: Ruth BLocation: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:21 pm


Thank you Cath.

This is such a hard lesson to learn but one that is vital for the healing process to begin.

 


#352:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:33 pm


*You will take back your life.* (Hilda)

Nell is growing before our eyes. Hilda has done what she can to help her, has offered her wisdom, an open ear, a loving heart, but she could only do so much. She could not MAKE Nell take this extra step.

But those words of Hilda's above have given Nell the impetus to face her fears and make them part of her interior landscape.

She is now equal partner to Hilda, no longer dependent on her - and their love and trust and support for each other will be inviolable.

Thank you, Cath.

 


#353:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:47 pm


Writing down horrible experiences, or emotions you cannot hold in your heart any longer always helps so much. It doesn't get them out of your head, but it makes them easier to live with, sipmly becuase you have expressed, and brought into some order what seemed so confusing and chaotic in you mind.

I'm so glad Nell can now actively remember without being overwhelmed by panic.

 


#354:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 2:27 pm


Nell is indeed growing before our eyes here - this is such a huge leap for her, to recognise that while she does not need to keep these memories in her day-to-day consciousness, neither does she have to banish them completely because that would indeed be betrayal.

As Mary says, Hilda could show her the example, but she had to do this for herself. In so doing, she has finally opened the way for her own healing to begin.

They already share so much and, through supporting each other when necessary, will continue to develop as twin souls as their relationship strengthens and deepens, as it inevitably will.

Thanks Cath - am looking forward to the conclusion of this and, like Tara, to your next stories.

 


#355:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:04 pm


I'm so glad Nell is beginning to try and remember, and also to write down what she remembers.

Thank you Cath. I'm another looking forward to the sequels.

 


#356:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:25 pm


Think that the diary will be a huge help.

Thanks Cath. Wonderful as ever Smile

 


#357:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:29 pm


This is just so thought provoking. Thanks, Cath.

 


#358:  Author: gaityrLocation: Singapore PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:54 pm


This is lovely, Cath - Nell is really growing here, having realised that just as much as Jem is to blame for insisting that she forget everything she went through, she herself has been struggling just as hard to repress all the bad memories. And it's only when she accepts them, however difficult that may be, that she can move on.
It's a realisation she had to come to on her own, and I'm glad she fought back that initial urge to go to Hilda.
And now Nell is writing in her diary again - a comfort if ever there was one.
Thanks!

 


#359: return Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:10 am


This really made me think! At first I felt the rememberings were rather different in quality. Although Hilda's loss of James brought emotional devastation, the memory of him is one of love, and his death was random mischance. Nell has to face memories of total and deliberate brutality and inhumanity and also, perhaps, the guilt of the survivor, all of which is a bit different. But I'm sure, as others have said, that if she cannot accept, she will be stuck at the point of her trauma. By accepting it as part of her experience and moving on, she will honour the memory of the dead and will find herself strengthened. Yes, she needed to do it alone, and the ability to write again is indicative of her healing. Thanks to everyone for their wise comments, and to Cath for generating them!

 


#360:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:32 am


All these sensitive and intelligent comments and all I can add is how distrubing and then moving that was.

 


#361:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 10:38 am


Thank you so much for your comments - as ever they are welcome and thought-provoking.
Penultimate post on this now... and a peaceful one!

Hilda woke early the next morning – so early in fact, that, the coming dawn was only a hint of grey in the darkness. Sleepily, she rolled over, and slowly became aware of the fact that Nell’s lamp was lit. Hurriedly she sat up. Had Nell needed her during the night? And had she been so deeply asleep that she hadn’t noticed? “I’m sorry, Nell” she whispered. Rubbing her eyes, she swung herself out of bed, and went quietly and quickly to the connecting door. How could she have slept like that? Was Nell alright? She peeped into Nell’s room, and then stopped, reassured. Nell’s lamp was still shining, but she was peacefully asleep on the bed – although not in it. Intrigued, Hilda tiptoed closer, catching sight of an open book beside Nell and a fountain pen balanced precariously on it. Carefully, Hilda leaned across Nell to rescue the fountain pen before it fell to the floor and to remove the book before its pages were creased. As she picked it up, she recognised the almost-illegible scrawl and realised that the book was Nell’s diary; a slow beautiful smile illuminated her face as she understood that tonight, Nell had been able to reclaim on of her most private and necessary joys. She looked down at Nell’s peaceful face, touched her cheek as gently as the brush of a butterfly’s wing, switched off the light and returned to her own room, to drowse through what remained of the night.


Some time later, Hilda became aware that the room was light and that a cup of tea had appeared on her bedside table. Blinking, she sat up and surveyed it doubtfully,
“Where on earth did that come from?” she asked aloud.
“Me,” said a familiar voice, and a fully dressed Nell appeared in the doorway. “I went foraging about twenty minutes ago,” she added cheerfully. “It’s still hot – well hottish.” Hilda peered suspiciously at the tea,
“I hope it’s not that scented abomination you drink?” she queried.
“Certainly not,” replied Nell with hauteur. “It’s too early in the day for Earl Grey. That’s ordinary English Breakfast as you like it – a little milk and no sugar.” Hilda took a tentative sip, nodded approvingly, glanced at her clock, and then remarked,
“You’re up and about early.” Nell didn’t reply immediately, and scrutinising her, Hilda realised that once again her eyes had that soft luminous beauty that had been so noticeable after their joyous venture into the garden to look at the stars. “Nell?” she said gently, and Nell smiled at her, happily.
“I was thinking,” she said tentatively, “I haven’t really been beyond the garden here. There’s nearly an hour before breakfast, and it’s a fine morning: what do you say to a walk?”
“Give me ten minutes,” replied Hilda, swallowing the rest of her tea rapidly, and reaching for her dressing gown.
“I’ll see you downstairs,” said Nell, and departed, taking their cups with her.

 


#362:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:31 am


Nell is really on the mend now. Thanks, Cath.

 


#363:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:38 am


Lovely, Cath. thanks. *g* at Hilda and her hatred of Earl Grey (*whispers* philistine Wink )

 


#364:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:46 am


That was a lovely post, Cath, thanks Very Happy

 


#365:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:56 am


Thanks, Cath. I'm glad Nell is happy to go further afield than the CS and explore.

 


#366:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:40 pm


Quote:
....a slow beautiful smile illuminated her face as she understood that tonight, Nell had been able to reclaim on of her most private and necessary joys.


Quote:
....and scrutinising her, Hilda realised that once again her eyes had that soft luminous beauty that had been so noticeable after their joyous venture into the garden to look at the stars.


Two beautiful phrases which signify so clearly Nell's continuing return to her usual self. I know I've used the same expression in other places on the Board, but they truly represent 'the calm after the storm' - I could almost hear the Beethoven theme (last movement of the Pastoral Symphony) as I read them.

This is certainly moving towards a calm and peaceful conclusion and I look forward both to the last instalment, and to whatever other stories you have up your sleeve. Thanks, Cath.

 


#367:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:48 pm


Two such tender little scenes, revealing how much they are becoming to each other, how aware of each others' needs they are, and how they can now march into the future side by side, two women of equal stature and strength, giving and receiving in equal measure.

Hilda has done her wise, loving work so well and Nell is back, not to her old self, but to a self who now has even more to offer to others.

Thank you, Cath.

 


#368:  Author: gaityrLocation: Singapore PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 6:15 pm


Nell's back, and more beautiful than ever! What a relief, for Nell, for Hilda and for us.
Thanks Cath - looking forward to the final installment.

 


#369:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 7:30 pm


Beautiful scenes Cath - and so right.

Thank you.

 


#370:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 7:49 pm


Thanks Cath
This is lovely!

 


#371:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 9:36 pm


Thanks, Cath, another wonderful scene which shows how far Nell has come in last few days, and how much she has overcome.

 


#372:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 10:40 am


So good to see Nell able to take these steps - and more importantly to initiate them.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#373:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 12:48 pm


Josie wrote:
Lovely, Cath. thanks. *g* at Hilda and her hatred of Earl Grey (*whispers* philistine Wink )


I totally agree Jo! *g*

Thank you Cath!

 


#374: return Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 8:39 pm


Lovely, Cath. Nell is nearly there, visibly blossoming - and perhaps poor Hilda can now get some uninterrupted sleep, she must be worn out with constant concern and watchfulness. It's good to see their normal banter resuming after all the anguish.

Am looking forward so much to the sequel(s).

 


#375:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 10:43 am


Oh, goodness, the last post on this... I didn't expect it to develop quite this way when I started... I shall start posting "Christmas 1939" on or about Wednesday. If anyone would like "Return" as a Word doc ( slightly edited as I have corrected errors as I've reviewed it), please let me know. Very Happy

Like Nell, Gwynneth was awake early that morning. She heard Nell’s stealthy departure in search of early morning tea, and her subsequent return. Half an hour later her acute hearing caught Nell’s final comment to Hilda, and the swift footsteps that went past her door again. Intrigued, she put down her book, got herself into dressing gown and slippers and opened her door, just in time to see a fully dressed Hilda emerge from her room and make her way towards the stairs. “I wonder?” muttered Gwynneth thoughtfully, and scurried in the opposite direction to a window that overlooked the front of the house. She arrived there just as Nell and Hilda emerged together from Sarres with the clear intention of going for a walk. Gwynneth looked after their departing figures with a little nod and smile of approval,
“Now that’s something I wouldn’t have expected three days ago,” she commented happily and returned to her room, to read for another half hour.

In the meantime, Nell and Hilda were enjoying their early morning walk. Although there was the promise of another fine day, the sea breeze and light cloud cover kept off the early morning sun, and as the lane along which they were walking was partly screened by trees, they were able to remain comparatively cool.
“Mind you,” remarked Nell into the companionable silence, “there is some talk that this breeze will turn into one of the classic autumn storms by the end of tomorrow.”
“I hope not!” replied Hilda. “The whole point of starting term this early was that we would miss the storms. I don’t want to have a whole school of limp and pallid girls all recovering from seasickness!”
“That would depend on who it was surely?” inquired Nell with deceptive meekness. “Betty and Elizabeth, for example?”
“Don’t be wicked, Nell!” rejoined Hilda severely. “Although it does have its merits….” she added thoughtfully. Nell giggled.

By now they had reached the end of the lane along which they had been walking; the road had sloped gradually upward and they now found themselves at the top of a small hill. There were no trees here, only bushes and the breeze was stronger here, flattening the grass. In the distance the sea was visible and the sky stretched far and clear before them. Nell gave a long sigh of contentment, and turned to look around her. Behind them, Sarres was clearly visible and appeared surprisingly small and isolated. Other than that, there were no houses to be seen immediately, and at the moment, it was very quiet.
“Where does this road go, Hilda?” Hilda thought for a moment.
“If we turn left, the road runs round behind Sarres and we’ll be able to walk through the garden back to the house. If we turn right we’ll eventually get to the sea, but it is a bit of a walk – and breakfast is in half an hour.”
“But I can choose?” Nell’s voice had a sudden odd intensity, and Hilda looked at her sharply.
“Yes, Nell, of course you may choose.” Nell simply nodded, staring at the sea and Hilda waited patiently for her to continue. Finally she said, with the same intensity in her voice,
“That’s the point though, isn’t it Hilda? I’m free to choose; I’m not being driven or compelled to make a decision and I can think about what I want to do.” Hilda said nothing, sensing that Nell was not finished, and a moment later she continued, “Three days ago that wouldn’t have been true. I felt threatened and afraid almost all the time, and that shaped everything I did. I came back to the School – back to you – because it was the only possibility that I had, and I had no choices left.” She smiled a little, and that lovely light glowed in her eyes again. “Mercifully, it was the action that freed me. It seems such a little thing, Hilda: to decide whether to walk in one direction or another. But it isn’t – it contains all the other decisions too. And I am so thankful that I can make that choice.” Momentarily lost for words, Hilda suddenly hugged Nell tightly. Then she caught her hand,
“So which way are we going, Nell?” Nell stared at her; she had taken off her hat and was swinging it by its brim, the breeze had ruffled her hair and her eyes were soft and laughing.
“We?”
“Well, of course I’m coming with you! Do you think I’d let you go off on your own again? Just imagine the trouble you might get into!” Nell opened her mouth to reply and closed it again.
“Well? Shall we run away today?” Nell laughed suddenly.
“Let’s do that tomorrow, Hilda; after all, we have all the tomorrows there are!”
“So what shall we do today?” Nell was quiet for a moment, then she said softly,
“Let’s go home, Hilda.” Hilda smiled,
“What a good idea, Nell.” And arm-in-arm, they turned left, down the road towards their home and the rest of their lives.

 


#376:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 11:39 am


Oh Cath, that was just a beautiful last post, how far Nell has come. Thanks so much for this story. It was just wonderful.

 


#377:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 12:02 pm


That was a wonderful last post - that Nell can feel at home again is lovely.

Thanks, Cath!

 


#378:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:22 pm


Cath V-P wrote:

I came back to the School – back to you – because it was the only possibility that I had, and I had no choices left.” She smiled a little, and that lovely light glowed in her eyes again. “Mercifully, it was the action that freed me.


Well, where else would you go back to, Nell? Hilda was the only one, surely, the only one to offer you all you needed.

Cath V-P wrote:

“Well? Shall we run away today?”
Nell laughed suddenly. “Let’s do that tomorrow, Hilda; after all, we have all the tomorrows there are!”
“So what shall we do today?” Nell was quiet for a moment, then she said softly,
“Let’s go home, Hilda.” Hilda smiled,

Yes, Nell, all possiblities are there now, and you have a companion who will make all your tomorrows as beautiful as she can for you, who will always be home for you from now on, just as she has found her home in you.

Thank you, dear Cath, for a most touching, moving story.

 


#379:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:28 pm


What a wonderful ending, Cath. I love Nell's apparently matter-of-fact statement that, having come back to the school because it was then her only course of action, she is now free to choose what she wants to do - even over something so small as which direction to walk in. As Gwynneth commented - this couldn't have happened only three days ago. Nell has truly travelled an enormous distance mentally and spiritually in that short time.

And I just love your last sentence and all it implies for the future - a future which Nell could not have envisioned just those 3 days ago.

Thank you for a haunting and memorable tale, so sensitively and skilfully told. I'm now looking forward to Christmas 1939.

 


#380:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:30 pm


Oh Cath, how lovely that is, to see Nell come to some sense of closure about all that she has suffered, to reach a place where making decisions is no longer a threat, and where she is free to work out the best way forwards for herself.

Thankyou for this wonderful story, I'm really looking forward to the next one. But I can wait - until Wednesday! Oh all right - if RL interferes I guess I can wait a little longer as well. Wink

Thanks again

 


#381:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:52 pm


Thanks, Cath. I am really sorry to see this drabble end but I look forward to reading the sequel.

 


#382:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:46 pm


Beautiful Cath, absolutely wonderful - and all the comments have already been made.

Thank you.

 


#383:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:52 pm


This has been fabulous from beginning to end, thank you, Cath. It was such a lovely ending, seeing Nell just about back to her old self, and ready to get on with life again. And Hilda was wonderful.

 


#384:  Author: gaityrLocation: Singapore PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:53 pm


Wonderful way to end a wonderful story, Cath. I'm glad Nell has so much to look forward to now, and I'm looking forward to that sequel!
Thank you Smile

 


#385:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:37 pm


I am so glad Nell has returned home - in body, mind and spirit.

Thank you Cath - this has been an amazing tale.

Liz

 


#386:  Author: NicolaLocation: Derbyshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 9:15 pm


What a beautiful ending, Cath. Thank you, I've enjoyed this whole story enormously. Looking forward to the sequel, especially as it's going to be seasonal.

 


#387: return Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 11:09 pm


Cath, that was so lovely. I can't believe all that has happened in three days, but what hope for the future. Freedom and a physical and emotional homecoming ... I think I'll just go off and have a cry.

I can wait for Wednesday ... I can wait for Wednesday ... I can ...

In all seriousness, this has been overwhelming. Thank you.

 


#388:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:42 am


A very lovely ending, Cath. Thanks.

*looks forward to sequel*

 


#389:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:56 am


A beautiful ending. Thank you Cath.

Am looking forward to the next part!

 


#390:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:34 pm


A lovely ending, Cathy. It's great to see that Nell has not only regained he physical freedom, but realised her mental liberty, too.

 


#391:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:17 pm


What a beautiful and fitting ending for what has been a heart-wrenching emotional journey. It's good to see Nell clearly on the road to recovery.

 


#392:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:58 am


Can't believe so much distance has been travelled in only three days.

Thanks Cath, that was quite a journey.

 


#393:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 6:03 am


I've just caught up on the last week-and-a-half, and have to
echoe all the comments about learning to accept rather than repress -- much easier said than done, but very true.

And, sorry to be so trite but -- yes, it was a beautiful ending!

*hopes sequel is up before I leave town on Wed.*

 




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