The CBB :: View topic - New Dreams (Part 8) - Xmas continues (This part completed)

New Dreams (Part 8) - Xmas continues (This part completed)

through

[^/[Print]\]

The CBB -> Ste Therese's House

#1: New Dreams (Part 8) - Xmas continues (This part completed) Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 9:01 pm
—
Links to previous parts:

part 1 part 2
part 3 (part 3, page 1)
part 4 (part 3, page 2)
part 5 (part 4, page 1)
part 6 (part 4, page 2)
part 7 (part 5)
part 8 (part 6) (Ste. Therese)
part 9 (part 7: Christmas Night)

~pim~

I have re-posted the first part of the scene in chapel on Christmas Eve and then added a new part

.....How to repay such love? Her beautiful, mellow voice did it all for her, that most glorious of instruments trembling with emotion:

Loyal hearts can change the face of Sorrow,
Softly encircle it with love’s most gentle
Unearthly radiance.
(Bonhoeffer)

That gentle unearthly radiance carried Hilda into the candlelit chapel, where she knelt with Ellie beside her to offer her thanks for all the tender care being showered on her. The Gregorian chant Veni Redemptor Gentium (Come, Thou Redeemer of the earth), now being sung quietly by the Sisters, soothed and calmed her and soon she was able to lift her head and absorb the splendid raiment adorning the chapel, now the austerity of Advent was over. All this would soon be an integral part of her life, helping her to find wholeness in the midst of her brokenness as she poured herself out for others.

Stately beeswax candles stood tall on altar and window sills, scenting the air with their fragrance, their carved silver holders glittering and gleaming. The candles’ golden tips illumined the darkness of the warm chapel, filling it with an incredible shifting brilliance, casting dancing shadows on the wood-panelled walls, stretching up long fingers of radiance into the high, beamed ceiling. It was homely, warming – yet magnificent. The grace of light….

As she feasted her eyes, letting them linger on the flowers spilling their own fragrance and beauty into the magic, silence suddenly fell, all singing ceased. The silence lingered, expectant, and then the organ began to peal out joyfully and the triumphant swell of Adeste Fideles filled the chapel. As they sang, bells inside and out began to ring in lovely and powerful accents, announcing the news of the Saviour’s birth, the everlasting symbol of joy and hope.

Hilda and Ellie left their places and moved with one accord to the altar. They turned to face the congregation, Hilda’s hand imparting courage to the young girl as the singing transmuted into gentle humming and the organ grew soft. Hilda’s tender eyes moved from one shining face to another and her rich, melodious voice reached to the furthest, darkest corners of the chapel:

December 25th

The darkest time of the year,
The poorest place in the town,
Cold, and in a taste of fear,
Man and woman alone.
What can we hope for here?

More light than we can learn,
More wealth than we can treasure,
More love than we can earn,
More peace than we can measure,
Because one child is born.
(Christopher Fry)

The sweet echoes of her lovely voice faded, and organ and voices joined once more in exaltation as the triumphant last verse rang out: Yea, Lord, we greet Thee, Born this happy morning… Ellie left Hilda’s side to kneel in front of the wooden crèche and place the bambino next to his mother. She lingered there a moment, her mobile face a mixture of awe and joy at being part of this beauteous, ageless ritual, and then Hilda reached out and drew her back to her feet.

Her arm protectively round Ellie’s shoulders, they returned to their pew, Hilda’s eyes meeting Mother Abbess’s in a silent moment of loving communication. Why, they belong together, thought the nun wonderingly to herself, as she saw once more their closeness. She looked back at the bambino and was swamped by a great surge of gratitude and peace. God was in charge and all would be well.

The singing faded, people settled in their seats, and then the age-old message rang out loud and clear.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.....

Hilda let the timeless, familiar Gospel wrap itself round her, and thought of it as a beacon of light and hope in a world that seemed somehow made of fragile peace and broken promises. Kneeling beside her, Ellie was overcome by the beauty of the chapel, which left her senses open to the words being spoken. It sounded new and fresh to her this very special Christmas night, for she had found someone who seemed, unlike her father, to know how to love, who seemed to understand what a young heart needed, who seemed to reach out and gentle her sadness.

Kneeling there in the warm, fragrant candlelight, storing the message of God’s love for the world in her hungry young heart, she reached out a hand and tucked it in Hilda’s. The latter grasped it warmly, leaned over to kiss her gently, then turned her eyes once more to the front to follow the unfolding drama on the altar. Who could say where her thoughts had fled, who was there to notice the soft sheen of tears in her eyes?

The Celebrant’s words quietly challenged the congregation: “Unto you this night a King has been born, a King of love and mercy and salvation and understanding; a King who will bind up your wounds, take away your sorrows, who asks only, “Follow Me.” He waits for you in the manger. Will you not see?”

Hilda felt the words resonate deep within, and thought about her vow of two months ago, when she had heard that Voice, soft as tears, telling her: The light of my glory will shine on you, Your days of grief will come to an end. She had promised Him she would follow Him – but she had let Him down these last weeks, failed in her vow. Now here he was reminding her yet again that it was He, Love Himself, who would tend and heal her. Would He ever forgive her? Why had she let the accident destroy her new-found joy?

As her thoughts swirled round chaotically, the candles and flowers took on a shimmering haze through her tears. The singing of Silent Night faded into a soft, distant beauty – and there, quite suddenly and clearly, came the beloved contralto voice, speaking in the quietness of her aching heart for the first time since her accident.

Oh, dear girl, how dark the days and nights have been for you, so dark I could not find the way, for you had shuttered your heart. But at last a little light has crept in through that chink in your armour, the chink opened up by your friend and by Ellie. Let me open it wider for you now, my darling. I want you to go and find that book you bought for Ellie, and I want you to read the words Christopher Robin spoke to Winnie the Pooh when they were about to part, words I reminded you of a few years ago when you were so frightened at the thought of losing me. Believe those words, dear heart – they are as true for us now as they were then.

“Oh, Nell,” Ellie heard Hilda whisper, and turning her head she saw Hilda had her face buried in her hands, and those hands were shaking uncontrollably.

I will always be with you, my Hilda. I have not left your side for one moment. In the midst of my own joy, I have yearned to pierce your darkness, I have grieved over your sadness and loneliness. Rejoice, my lamb. “The Word has been made flesh….”

Tremors ran the length of her body, heart and spirit strained to catch and keep the echoes of those words, that voice, but alas, the gossamer veil could only lift so far. It drifted back into place and the presence was gone. But not the words, not the love – they lodged in her heart and whispered of hope, of light, of life. Nell had been given back to her on this holy night, this night she had been so afraid to face without her. Nell’s dear face was suddenly before her, Nell’s courage and vitality suddenly a force within her, infusing her with strength, with overflowing gratitude.

A tiny bell sang out, summoning them to partake of the Eucharist, and Hilda lifted her head dazedly, coming back to the reality of the chapel. Or was this the dream and Nell the reality? She turned to smile at Ellie as they stood, but to Ellie that smile hurt, for it seemed inexpressibly heartrending. In her immaturity she could not have said why, but she knew she wanted to weep.

As they returned to their places and knelt to give thanks, peace fell on the chapel, only the organ murmuring softly. And in that quietness Ellie felt Hilda flinch beside her, as though she had been struck; heard her gasp, as though drenched by cold water.....

Last edited by MaryR on Wed Oct 04, 2006 10:49 pm; edited 61 times in total

#2: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 9:15 pm
—
It is absolutely wonderful to see this back, Mary, but what a way to end the post!

Please let Ellie and MA be able to help Hilda, for whatever has happened to her cannot be borne alone.

#3: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 10:26 pm
—
So glad that Hilda could, at last, sense Nell once more. What a wonderful present.

Thanks Mary.

#4: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 10:28 pm
—
Another beautiful scene, Mary alight with all the joy of the Christmas Eve Mass. It's wonderful to see Nell 'revealing' her 'normal' self to Hilda in this way for the first time since Hilda's accident and Ellie's reaction to Hilda's clear sense of delight - what a sensitive young lady she is. But what, pray, is the source of that gasp right at the end?

Please don't keep us hanging on that cliff for too long.

#5: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 12:39 am
—
Oh that was wonderful - that Hilda could hear Nell so clearly then, that she was able to receive that special awareness of Nell's love was wonderful. And how clear Nell is - that she has been there for her, but it was not until Hilda opened herself up to the love of and for others that this could happen.

Quote:

I will always be with you, my Hilda. I have not left your side for one moment. In the midst of my own joy, I have yearned to pierce your darkness, I have grieved over your sadness and loneliness. Rejoice, my lamb.

By allowing herself to love others, Nell is so truly hers again... And the sense of God's love and her own joy is also renewed.

But what has disturbed Hilda at the end - does the music have some special significance? Hmmm....and the reference to House at Pooh Corner is also telling isn't it???
Thank you Mary.

#6: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 12:50 am
—
At last she has the real Nell back - the best possible Christmas gift. I love how Nell's strength and vitality rekindle Hilda's own inner resources. And the experience itself might be fleeting;

Quote:

But not the words, not the love – they lodged in her heart and whispered of hope, of light, of life.

Interested in Hilda's questioning what is the dream and what the reality. In terms of her place in and influence on her (H's) life, Nell is still so very real.

I'm now off to read Pooh and find that quotation.

But what is happening at the end there? Why the sudden douche of cold water on her joy?? Come back soon, Mary.

#7: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 6:40 am
—
Oh Mary !
How lovely for Hilda to suddenly realise the full magnitude of the meaning of the "Communion of saints", both the living and the departed, united in Holy Communion!

Shocked

What will happen next ? I must try and unearth an intact copy of the House at Pooh Corner.................

#8: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 10:45 pm
—
Mary, sorry I only found this now.

This is such an overwhelming scene. And Nell is talking to Hilda again. Well thank God for that. That she should have this extra gift at this time of year, to help her through the hard time. Alright, it makes it harder, but it unleashes a dam which has clogged up her heart in other ways. She may well find she starts to cry soon - but this is necesarry for her growth and regeneration that comes.

What shock did she receive when she returned to her seat though. Oh Mary, may this not undo the work of Nell in those few moments - and Please, may MA be close to her.

#9: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:27 pm
—
.......As they returned to their places and knelt to give thanks, peace fell on the chapel, only the organ murmuring softly. And in that quietness Ellie felt Hilda flinch beside her, as though she had been struck; heard her gasp, as though drenched by cold water. Putting out a hand again, she touched Hilda’s arm – it was cold, rigid. Her face was once more hidden, but this time the hands were not trembling at all. Hilda was immobile, turned to stone, and terror took hold of Ellie. What could she do?

She sat there frozen, scared to get up and go to anyone for help, not really understanding why she would need it. The last carol drew to a close and the celebrant made his exit. As though warmed back into life by the candlelight, Hilda lowered her hands, but her face was pale and still, her eyes focused on the crib figures to the exclusion of all else. Ellie was too scared to touch her again.

The organ began to play very quietly, the Sisters and visitors began to leave in little groups, and Ellie reached out to catch her aunt’s arm. Sister Patricia stopped, wondering what was wrong, but then she looked past her and saw Hilda’s face, as carved and still as any plaster effigy. Not the moment to intrude!

She took Ellie’s arm and drew her out of the pew. “Leave her be, child. We’ll give her a little peace, shall we? Come along and join the others and have a drink.” She led Ellie out, the girl turning for one last look before she followed her aunt to the sitting room where Mother Abbess had arranged for drinks and mince pies to be served – a little feast before bed.

Mother Abbess herself, the last to leave, paused by the pew and gazed anxiously at Hilda, who remained totally unaware of anything, so deep inside herself was she. What was going on there, wondered the nun. But in the end some sixth sense warned her to leave her friend alone for the time being. Interfering might do more harm than good. She would return a little later if Hilda did not appear in the sitting room.

The organ faded away and only the fragrant silence remained, candlelight casting its flickering shadows. The organist descended to extinguish the candles, but after a quick glance at the motionless figure she left two of the larger candles burning on the altar, before making her own quiet exit, her robes whispering softly around her.

In the chapel the stillness was now extreme, no sound, no movement. Did someone still breathe there, was someone still praying there? Were other presences hovering nearby, ready to comfort and uphold?

Suddenly the intense silence was torn apart by a loud sigh, almost a groan, and in the dim sweetness a rustle was heard as Hilda came back to herself. Turning her head she realised she was alone and wondered how long she had been lost in that other, colder sphere where breathing was hard and the demands on her had been harsh and insistent. To have been so consoled – and then to have been stripped and laid bare…..

Exhausted, her brain bruised and numb, she slowly rose and left the pew. On her way out through the chapel doors, she paused at the little table to touch the decorations. Catching sight of the tiny pastel-coloured crib as it swung on its branch, she suddenly remembered the bambino tucked away in her drawer, so with one last, lingering glance she turned away.

“Look after them for me, Nell,” she whispered, and found her way more by good luck than judgement to her own room, distantly aware of chatter and laughter coming from the sitting room. Bambino in hand, she left her room and padded softly through the dim corridors, nothing coherent in her mind but the strangely urgent need for the baby to reach his mother. What she would do after that, she had no idea.

#10: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed May 03, 2006 10:06 pm
—
Oh, what a shock that must have been for Hilda, to find her crib figures put to such lovely use in the chapel this first Christmas - I can see why it simply froze her in her place! And thank heaven first for Sister Patricia's intuition in drawing Ellie away and MA's intuition in leaving Hilda there, too - both realising that Hilda had to come to terms with this in her own way and on her own. At least Sister Patricia will be able to help Ellie understand what happened here.

And how typically Hilda, when she finally 'emerged' to be filled with that one thought - to place the bambino she still held with its mother.

A strangely disturbing, yet very stirring section, Mary - may we hope that once Hilda has placed her bambino in the crib she will feel more at peace, having entrusted all those precious pieces to Nell's tender care?

Thank you for yet another revealing glimpse into Hilda's very depths.

#11: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 1:05 am
—
From warmth and comfort to cold and loneliness - and so rapidly too. And yet, and yet, there is an intensity that is somehow reassuring. And how wise of Sister Patricia and MA to know that she needs time alone, that she has to work through what is happening.

And her urgent need to take the Child to His mother was so moving, as was her request to Nell "to look after" the figures.

Thank you Mary....the first Christmas after can be so very hard.

#12: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 1:31 am
—
What a slew of conflicting emotions, no wonder Hilda is exhausted. I'm a bit concerned about the incoherence of her reactions at the moment, but I suspect someone might be waiting for her when she reunites the bambino with its mother. I'm sure MA is keeping an eye out, for one.

#13: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 5:10 am
—
Thank you Mary
The post before last was so lovely.
Poor Hilda - being thrust into the bleakness again after that.

#14: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 6:42 am
—
Oh Mary !
Shocked

**Wails** Please post more soon !

Does Hilda reunite the Christ-Child with His Mother ?
What happens next ?

#15: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 7:47 am
—
Oh Mary, I feel almost without words after this. You have revealed such a touching scene. Thank goodness that Sister Patricia has managed to rescue Ellie who just didn't know what to do, and that MA knew the best way to go about making sure that Hilda was alright, without intruding.

I'm sure that it is possible to say many things about the end of this post Mary, but I am aware that I could do a lot of talking and barely scratch the surface of all that is going on in it. So I'll simply end by saying

That was wonderful, Thankyou.

#16: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 3:58 pm
—
.......Bambino in hand, Hilda left her room and padded softly through the dim corridors, nothing coherent in her mind but the urgent need for the baby to reach his mother. What she would do after that, she had no idea.

However, help was at hand. Turning a corner she walked straight into Sister Infirmarian, who was returning from visiting her patients. With an exclamation, the nun steadied herself and Hilda, but then drew back in alarm as she saw the blind look in Hilda’s eyes. This woman scarcely knew where she was, never mind who was there with her! Taking Hilda’s arm, the nun steered her to the Office and pushed her in gently.

“I’ll send Mother to you,” she said slowly and quietly, as though to an invalid. “Wait here. Make yourself comfortable,” and with that she closed the door and went in search of her Superior rather urgently.

Opening that selfsame door five minutes later, Mother Abbess was surprised to find her room in almost total darkness. The fire was now burning very low as she had dampened it down before making her way to the Midnight Mass. She searched the dimness but there was no sign of Hilda. Anxiously, she switched on the little lamp on her desk, moved round the couch to poke up the fire – and saw Hilda!

She was kneeling on the floor in front of the couch, her face buried in the crook of one arm, which was lying on the table beside the crib figures. Her other arm was stretched out across the table, the bambino clutched so tightly in her hand that the knuckles were white. She neither moved nor spoke. Mother Abbess took in the air of complete abandonment and her heart quailed. What to do? Was Hilda even aware she was there?

Gnawing her lip, she stood uncharacteristically indecisive, then shook herself and decided the first necessity was a little more light. Turning to the fire she took away the guard, poked the embers quietly, took a few sticks from the basket lodged beside the hearth and laid them carefully, waiting there silently until they caught alight. Replacing the guard, she knelt so her back was to the fire and was facing Hilda ascross the table. Very slowly she reached out a hand to stroke the loosened brown hair with infinite gentleness.

Like a doe ready to run, Hilda’s slender frame quivered. Mother Abbess waited, her hand scarcely moving. Slowly, oh so slowly, Hilda raised her head and the nun saw the ravaged face. So - the tears she had been waiting for had come at last! They were cascading silently down her cheeks in great torrents, blinding her. How Mother Abbess yearned to gather this wounded daughter in her arms, but she did not have the courage. What sorrow was here! And it was such a painful contrast to the merriment she had left in the sitting room where even Ellie’s face had been bright, despite her worry about Hilda.

Her hand moved to cup the wet cheek, but Hilda shook her head and lowered her face into her arm again, her body now rigid with her attempt to control her tears. “Don’t, Hilda. Give in to it now it’s started! It’s been there all day, brewing up a storm,” said Mother Abbess quietly.

Hilda’s stiff body relaxed at being given permission to let go, and she began to weep very quietly. Tears pricked the nun’s own eyes, for it was a very poignant sound in the silence of the dimly-lit room, but then suddenly her keen perceptions awoke. This was not grief – or not just grief, despite the trauma of the day. Something else was happening here.

“Hilda?” she whispered questioningly, trying to penetrate the mists.

Last edited by MaryR on Sat May 06, 2006 7:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

#17: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 6:12 pm
—
Oh Mary, I am more or less in tears here. How well you carry over the intensity of anguish that Hilda is feeling. And How grateful I am that you had people at hand to help her - she so desperately needed that help.

I understand that MA feels out of her depth, but it is there that she is able to rely upon God, and that will only lead her to being more 'right' in her choices.

It is such a big contrast to MA, and hopefully, now that Hilda has given in to what is hurting her, she will be able to tell MA about it all, and include in that her impulse to have the bambino back with his mother.

Thank you Mary. Your words plumb depths it is difficult for anything to express what they touch.

#18: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 6:29 pm
—
Mary,
you describe Hilda`s emotions so vividly that it is uncanny.
Crying or Very sad

I hope MA will be able to help, as usual.......

#19: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 9:58 pm
—
How much pain, both mental and physical, must be coming through Hilda's veil of tears if even MA is at a loss about what she should do. But your description is so powerful that I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes at the picture you paint. Quite simply, I am there with MA, left wondering what this can portend.

Like Squirrel, I hope that MA will be able to draw on her own strong faith to help her penetrate Hilda's mist of grief and pain. Please let her be able to give that help soon.

#20: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 10:03 pm
—
'Something else was happening here' - and I do wonder what? I'm in the mists along with MA; what on earth is causing Hilda such soul-tearing? Why is it all centred around the crib figures? Or are they being a comfort in her feelings of complete abandonment?

Mary, please come back and explain - preferably very soon!

#21: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 1:53 am
—
Oh, that pain, that depth of pain. This was beautifully realised Mary, and so sensitively presented. She is so wounded, isn't she - the physical world is no longer there for her, all she wants to do is hide away in the darkness and cry out her grief for Nell.

And is the sight of that Family a painful and agonising reminder that her family has been taken from her?

Thank you Mary.

#22: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 7:56 am
—
Poor, sad Hilda.
Thank you Mary

#23: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 7:19 pm
—
Oh Mary, Hilda is hurting some much here and she needs help. Please come back and put it right.

#24: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 1:18 pm
—
Your prayers have been answered, Frances! Wink

I'm sorry you were all misled by the fact that Hilda had been staring at the crib figures - that wasn't my intention at all, as you will see. And I apologise in advance for the length. Embarassed

.....This was not grief – or not just grief, despite the trauma of the day. Something else was happening here.

“Hilda?” she whispered questioningly, trying to penetrate the mists.

The weeping continued, but then, with a sob, distorted words floated up. “I’m so ashamed. Mother. Will He ever forgive me?”

“Daughter,” the nun reassured her in her strong, sweet voice, “the Lord will forgive anything, anything at all, if you are truly repentant. But why do you think you need such forgiveness, love?”

Hilda lifted her head again, to show a face now disfigured by her weeping. She opened her far-flung hand to gaze at the bambino lying within. “Three times,” she whispered, sobs catching in her voice. “Three times now I have had a tremor of bliss, a wink of heaven.”

“Three times?” breathed Mother Abbess, guessing instantly what she meant, and knowing then that God’s Spirit had indeed been abroad this Christmas night.

Hilda’s eyes remained glued on the wooden figure. “Nell came back to me tonight, Mother,” she whispered. “My own Nell! And I rejoiced for long, golden minutes. But I didn’t deserve it!” She looked up, her eyes filled with sorrow, regret, shame. “Did I not promise to cling to Him twice before, when He spoke to me? Did He not tell me to trust?”

“Oh, child,” breathed Mother Abbess, her heart aching. “You were doing exactly that. But shock and physical pain did their worst – there is no blame.” Her sweet voice stated the last few words clearly and distinctly.

Hilda shook her head and stared down at the bambino. The next moment she closed her eyes and bowed her head to her chin. “Oh yes, there is. I betrayed Him, Mother. He was harsher tonight, despite His loving words. He showed me what life would be like if I wandered away from Him and stopped trusting – a harsh, featureless plain where all hope has fled. He showed me the depths of my self-pity. How could He have been gracious enough to speak to me a third time?”

Mother Abbess reached out a trembling hand and tilted Hilda’s head up until drowned grey eyes were forced to meet compelling green ones. “My child, there was never any self-pity. You are too hard on yourself, as always. He came because He loves you - and He knows you love Him. Tell me,” she commanded softly but inexorably. “Tell me what He said.”

“The self-same words as before,” whispered Hilda. “How much clearer can He make Himself? Am I so deaf? My grace is sufficient for you. How many times do I remind people of those very words?” she groaned. “And then to ignore them myself, at my peril….. I will dry your eyes and be your light….You are My beloved. Wait and see what I will do through you.”

Mother Abbess moved once more to cup the damp cheek and Hilda closed her eyes again, yielding this time to the comfort. She spoke slowly, despairingly. “Two months ago I made a vow to lean on Him. I promised to be a channel of His love for others. I felt His joy flow through me. And I let it all trickle away.”

Her voice broke, and she shook her head as though in disbelief at her stupidity and lack of faith. Mother Abbess leaned forward and spoke with a tender severity. “You never for one moment let it trickle away, my darling. You have broken no promise, not a one. Every day – every day, Hilda – you become more of a channel of God’s grace and love. Ellie and I and countless others can testify to that. The only thing you lost was your joy – and who can blame you? I certainly couldn’t.”

She paused – she had no choice, for the very intensity of Hilda’s gaze was undoing her. How could this sensitive, loving, generous woman think she failed anyone? Help me here, Lord. You’ve done Your bit, but she is so hard on herself. Give me something to remove this terrible remorse before it kills her.

The fire chattered softly and rosy shadows curtseyed and swayed on the panelled walls as Hilda continued to stare into the nun’s eyes, as though only she could rid her of this awful burden. Tears had ceased falling down the haggard cheeks. She was waiting….

Mother Abbess smiled into that sombre face – this should shake her! “If I were a Catholic, love, I would call you a Saint.”

Hilda’s eyes opened wide in shock. It was certainly not what she had been expecting to hear. “A Saint?” she whispered. “Believe me, Mother, I have too many faults. You just heard me….”

Mother Abbess interrupted her. “Hilda, we all have faults and failings, we’re all frail - even the Saints. Do you think they found it easy to trust, to follow where He would lead them? Look at Saint Peter, impatient and quick-tempered, neither of which could be laid at your door. You talk about betrayal. Did not Peter three times deny he even knew the Lord – after three years of close friendship? Pure cowardice! Something else that could certainly not be laid at your door.”

She paused again, praying for more help. Her words were having an effect – some light was creeping back into the anguished eyes. “We are all of us, even the Saints of this life, in constant need of immersing our broken selves in the fire of God’s extravagantly forgiving love, Hilda.” She saw with satisfaction a little more light creep in, but where her next words came from, she never knew. “Tell me, child, what was His voice like? I will tell you one day why I ask.”

For a long, uncertain moment she thought Hilda would refuse to answer. Those eyes were still searching her face, still looking for answers. And then, like a sudden shaft of sunlight in a darkened room, a smile of such radiance transfigured Hilda’s face that Mother Abbess almost cowered before its brightness.

……..His voice
Hovered on memory with open wings
And drew itself up from a chine of silence,
As though it had lain long time in a vein of gold.
(Christopher Fry)

A charged silence filled the room as the melodious tones of Hilda’s rich voice faded away. Mother Abbess simply knelt there, transfixed. Hilda added in a whisper, “It was a voice that made me want to weep, not from pain but from peace.” And, as the nun watched, something happened that she was never to forget.

Like the dawning rosiness of the new day, that beautiful radiance crept slowly from Hilda’s face and seeped into her eyes, turning the despair to hope, the sorrow to joy – while into her face stole a deep, sweet solemnity. She stared ahead of her into the fire, her spirit no longer penned inside that panelled room but roaming freely God’s vast and star-filled spaces, hair blowing behind her in the heavenly wind, face grave and yet exalted. Would the return to earth be too much of a shock?

Haunted by the feeling that this was too private to watch, Mother Abbess closed her eyes and prayed for Hilda. A light touch on her cheek roused her. Opening her eyes, she saw that the return to earth had been no shock at all. She should have known better! This was a woman who understood all too well that one cannot remain in the rarefied atmosphere of the mountain tops; a woman who understood that one can only breathe and truly live in the valleys.

Hilda smiled at her, a smile that was gentle and filled with peace, all remorse gone, and in her eyes…. Mother Abbess gasped. There finally was the joy she had so longed to see, that other-worldliness spoken about by Gwynneth and Nancy and Ian. She found herself once more bereft of words. She shook her head in wonder, and that smile of sweet solemnity stole across Hilda’s face again. Gently she placed the bambino beside His mother and then reached across and held her friend’s hands.

“I don’t need to feel shame, do I?” she whispered, and the nun shook her head silently, filled with awe. “He loves me, Nell still loves me – and that is enough. Has anyone ever before received such a precious Christmas gift? To be blessed like this a third time…. “

Mother Abbess finally found her voice and spoke huskily. “I have asked Him so many times to lighten your darkness since the accident. I should have trusted more.”

Hilda’s face lit up with her love for this woman before her. “As should I, Mother, as should I. And yet, you know,” she added slowly, feeling her way. “My sorrow is still there, lying side by side with my joy. And I don’t feel jolly or want to sing. I feel….serene, quiet, at peace.”

“No, child, as Montaigne told us long ago, The most profound joy has more of gravity than of gaiety in it. It settles silently in the heart, assuring you that God loves you, will never leave you, is there for you when you weep, as you still will on occasions. But He also insists that you face life’s journey with fortitude, stooping to lift others as they stumble on their own journey. True joy can be infinitely painful, daughter.”

She made herself stop speaking, for words were an intrusion here. Gazing into Hilda’s peaceful, radiant eyes Mother Abbess sensed that she was treading on holy ground, that this night there were burning bushes all around…..

#25: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 3:38 pm
—
Mary, I am sitting here breathless, and virtually lost for words. The power of *your* words here have taken us into a place almost beyond human reality - more than simply a holy place, it is indeed almost a glimpse of heaven.

There are so many hidden depths in this piece that I know I will come back to it time and again as Hilda's story continues to unfold. It has something to say to each of us who will listen, as well.

'Thank you' sounds inadequate, but must suffice. I do so from the bottom of a very full heart here.

#26: Author: ibarhis, Location: London and Hemel Hempstead

Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 6:03 pm
—
Thank you...

#27: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 7:20 pm
—
There are no words but those of thanks and wonder.

#28: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 10:45 pm
—
Oh Mary...

I've just caught up on all of Part 8 and I've lost count of the times the tears have sprung to my eyes. Seeing Hilda reunited with Nell, albeit briefly, was magical. Between that and her rekindled joy, Hilda has received some rather special presents this Christmas...

Quote:

The fire chattered softly and rosy shadows curtseyed and swayed on the panelled walls...

What a wonderful image that is! I can see them dancing round the room... And there are so many other beautiful images as well. It's impossible to pick them all out!

Quote:

This was a woman who understood all too well that one cannot remain in the rarefied atmosphere of the mountain tops; a woman who understood that one can only breathe and truly live in the valleys.

To paraphrase Elder, there really is something for everyone in this piece. I don't know how you do it. MA may be bereft of words, but I can't tell you how glad I am that you're not.

Quote:

She made herself stop speaking, for words were an intrusion here.

I know how she feels - so I will just say merci, cherie...

#29: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 12:50 am
—
I shall write something now, but may well have to come back and edit as I feel unusually at a loss. Very Happy

The glory and the love and the redemptive nature of this is incredible. Such quietness but such power as well. And such a gift as she has been given:

Quote:

Like the dawning rosiness of the new day, that beautiful radiance crept slowly from Hilda’s face and seeped into her eyes, turning the despair to hope, the sorrow to joy – while into her face stole a deep, sweet solemnity. She stared ahead of her into the fire, her spirit no longer penned inside that panelled room but roaming freely God’s vast and star-filled spaces, hair blowing behind her in the heavenly wind, face grave and yet exalted.

That was incredible.

And MA's final words - "True joy can be infinitely painful" really do say so much.

Not a word too long, Mary!

Forgot to mention the Fry poem and how wonderfully applicable it is.

Last edited by Cath V-P on Wed May 10, 2006 5:34 am; edited 1 time in total

#30: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 8:44 am
—
Oh Mary that was simply beautiful. The way that MA lends of her understanding, and the love that is within her to help Hilda understand. The touch that Hilda receives, to help pull her through.

I havn't got the words to do justice to such wonderful writing, so I'll leave this here for now.

Thank You.

#31: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 6:57 pm
—

Quote:

Like Cath, this particular passage jumped out as just so incredibly poetic and beautiful, Mary.

The whole episode is glorious, but that one passage leaves me bereft of words which are adequate to convey how much it touched me..........
Heartfelt congratulations on a truly lovely update !

#32: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 9:54 pm
—
Thank you to all those of you who found something you liked in that last piece. I appreciate it was difficult, but it was the way Hilda wanted it written and who am I to argue with the woman? Shocked

Hilda’s rapture during the morning service of Christmas Day was so profound that at first the spoken words went unheard. It was a gentle, peaceful service with none of the triumph of the Midnight Mass and it suited her present state admirably. She had slept little during the night, feeling a need to pass the time in trembling prayer and praise, and she had sped here on winged feet, eager to be once more in His presence.

Despite the severe headache assaulting her senses, her eyes held once more that other-worldliness, her sensitive face was tinged the faintest of pinks, her vulnerable lips hovered on the edge of a smile. The morning sunshine poured its molten gold through the tall, stained-glass windows, scattering patches of rainbow light on pews and people, warming both body and spirit.

In her mind, she pictured the book mentioned by Nell, opened the page and read the words Nell had wanted her to remember: If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you. (A A Milne)

Hilda could feel a wave of tenderness reach out to her from faraway and yet very near, almost too sweet and powerful to be endured. Was it God? Or Nell? Did it matter? Her joy ran unfettered through her once more and she renewed her vow to trace the rainbow through the rain. Once more she gave Nell back to Him. He was God, and in Him she would trust and have her being. She would let the remainder of her life be a love song to Him.

Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

She knew there would be days, weeks, months, when she would have to will the peace and joy that was in her this day; knew that it would be all too easy to lose them again. But she must not let that happen, no matter what life threw at her. She accepted that she was not done with grief. It still had its sharp claws and teeth in her heart. She knew God’s boundless, forgiving love for her, but she also knew how lonely she would always be for Nell.

However, lonely as she was, she had her memories and she must never now let them go. She thought of Mother Abbess’s words a few short hours ago. “Remembering, it seems to me, is a kind of stepping outside the limits of time, to make present again a reality that was once experienced as lovely, life-giving and so wonderfully worthwhile. At the hour of their happening, those events might not have been grasped as such, but recalling them can give so much comfort, can give them the added lustre they deserve.”

Memories……so many of them. Meeting Nell for the first time... walks in the early morning light in Austria.... a Head Girl toppling on Nell from a great height.... a coach accident which forged a new closeness....skiing together in Switzerland.... a dressing gown and a fire in Nell’s cottage.... sitting side by side on a cruise ship enjoying the sunset..... a talk of retirement.....a balloon flight – so many memories, so much to treasure. What a very full life they had had. She had so very, very much for which to be grateful.

Oh Nell, darling, in truth might morning angels sing that we were there, and are together yet, and will be still.

#33: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 10:38 pm
—
At last, in spite of not sleeping, and assailed by a headache, here is a true sense of peace and acceptance for Hilda, intensified by the quiet glory of Christmas morning. True, she recognises that she is not yet done with grief, and that it will still have power over her from time to time, but it seems she has finally reached that plateau of acceptance for which she has been searching ever since Nell's death. Whatever happens now, she knows that she has, and will always have, her memories of so many incidents in her relationship with Nell which will sustain her forever.

A lovely piece for Christmas Morning. Thank you, Mary

#34: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 12:16 am
—
Oh, how lovely and what a sense of peace and power there is. What a truly beautiful gift to receive on Christmas morning; the capacity to remember without despair, and the ability to "give Nell back to Him". No, the grief isn't finished; it's a part of her and will remain so, but it will coexist with an awareness that the past, present and future of their relationship are so intertwined that ultimately it will be subsumed in that - as her thoughts reveal:

Quote:

Oh Nell, darling, in truth might morning angels sing that we were there, and are together yet, and will be still.

And using the Milne quote to suggest her constant presence in Hilda's life was very Nell!

Thank you Mary.

#35: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 1:33 am
—
I couldn't get on the board yesterday, but what a heart-felt piece of writing that was, Mary, as Hilda moves from despair to hope, from sorrow to joy. She is led there by MA, with a mixture of reassurance and shock tactics in her reminders of who Hilda is and what she knows about herself and about God, but paramountly, of course, by her mystic experience of God himself, with a mingling of exaltation

Quote:

I will dry your eyes and be your light….You are My beloved.

and practicality

Quote:

But He also insists that you face life’s journey with fortitude, stooping to lift others as they stumble on their own journey.

It is so lovely to see her, in today's post, restored and healed and brought to a point not only of peace but of exultation.

Your perspective on memory;

Quote:

Remembering, it seems to me, is a kind of stepping outside the limits of time, to make present again a reality that was once experienced as lovely

is very wise.

Thank you, Mary.

#36: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 5:50 am
—
Love all the memories, so glad Hilda has some peace.

Thank you Mary.

#37: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 7:15 am
—
Oh Mary, your writing is consistantly beautiful. The pictures you paint with your words are stunning, and this last piece of writing is just one more example of it. I say the same things to you again and again - often words I say to no almost no one else, because so few people have the gift of writing in the way you do, especially when it comes to such difficult emotions as you are dealing with at present.

Give Hilda a quiet day love, one to enjoy however tired and sore she may be feeling, and then a quiet night of sleep.

Thank you Mary.

#38: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 7:18 am
—
Oh, I am glad that Hilda has truly found the "peace that passeth all understanding", and that she is clinging fiercely to it.
The joy of her memories with Nell will help to assuage the loss, and she is starting to make real progress again.
Lovely, lovely, lovely !

#39: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 10:29 pm
—

Squirrel wrote:

Give Hilda a quiet day love, one to enjoy however tired and sore she may be feeling, and then a quiet night of sleep.

I'm afraid I can't give Hilda that quiet day, Squirrel, as you will discover later...... For now, though, here is the end of that chapel scene early on Christmas morning.

She was brought back to reality by the sound of people rising to their feet and the gentle harmony of the nuns singing Corde Natus ex Parentis (Prudentius, 4th Century). She rose to her own feet and thrilled to the sweet sounds, while remaining mute herself. They knelt again and suddenly there was only sunlight and silence and flowers. Her glowing blue eyes lingered lovingly on the pots of Christmas roses, their quiet beauty no longer overshadowed by the brilliance of the tall candles.

The flower so small, whose sweet fragrance fills the air,
Dispels with glorious splendour the darkness everywhere.
(from a 15th century poem)

She revelled in their loveliness, all her senses heightened, and into her mind trickled the legend attached to this little rose. When the Magi laid their rich offerings of myrrh, frankincense and gold by the bed of the sleeping Christ child, a shepherd maiden stood outside the door in despair. She, too, had searched for the Christ child. She, too, desired to bring Him gifts. Alas, she was poor, and had nothing to offer.

In vain, that night, she wandered the countryside looking for even one little flower she might bring, but the winter had been cold and harsh and there was nothing. Saddened beyond bearing, she stood there, weeping. An angel passing over her saw her sorrow and came down to offer her comfort. Stooping, he brushed aside the snow at her feet – and there sprang up a cluster of beautiful winter roses, waxen white with pink-tipped petals.

“Nor myrrh, nor frankincense, nor gold,” said the angel, “is offering more meet for the Christ Child than these pure Christmas roses.”

Joyfully, Madelon gathered the flowers and went to worship the Holy Child, laying at His feet the gifts of her heart and of her tears…..

Hilda smiled tremulously. In the winter of her grief He had made sweet flowers bloom for her, also – Mother Abbess, Ellie, her new dream. Were they not flowers of the rarest, blossoms the fairest? And what about all the generous people who cared that she be healed, people like Gwynneth, Madge, Nancy, Vivien, Ian, Jack and Joey, and so many, many others.

Here in this sun-drenched, peaceful place, like Madelon she laid each of them at the feet of the bambino, asking His blessing on them all. Were they not all His anyway? She was only borrowing them for a while.

Even as she made her offering, she felt once more that urgent little tug on her heart, that little voice asking why she was delaying. She had a fleeting sense that if she waited too long, this peaceful place might never be hers.

But even as she wrestled with this, her eyes alighted on her friend as the latter led her Sisters out of the chapel. Hilda was stunned. Never had she seen such a look in that lined and kindly countenance. Mother Abbess’s face was sombre, her gaze inward. She was not in that chapel at all. Hilda stared. What had she missed?

#40: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 11:45 pm
—
It's lovely to see that, free from the anguish of recent days, Hilda can let into her consciousness the awareness of the many people who still care deeply about her.

This 'urgent little tug at her heart' is there again. Yet her plans to fulfill her commitment to the school before entering the convent seem so obviously right and sensible. Hmmm. I wonder what the future will hold?

Wonder, too, what has disturbed MA so much? Is it now Hilda's turn to support her?

#41: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 1:44 am
—
That was lovely, the sense of peace and fulfilment, the awareness of what God has done for herand given to her, and the sense of love and acceptance of all those who care about her - and for whom he also cares.

And thank you for that legend too, it's one of my favourites and what a lovely parallel she draws from it.
That "urgent little tug" - hmmm, perhaps a change is coming for her sooner than she anticipated. I wonder....

And is she now aware of MA's griefs and pains? They are both leaders, both essentially alone in their position - and Hilda knows how that can hinder their ability to reach out to others when they (Hilda and MA that is) need help.

Thank you Mary.

#42: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 7:53 am
—
Hmmmmm, what's wrong with MA? Hope Hilda can find out.

Thank you Mary.

#43: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 12:52 pm
—
Hilda is on the case , isn`t she ?
Are we going to find out more about MA`s background ?

Wonderful, Mary, thank you !
I didn`t know the legend about the flowers. I am rapidly realising how woefully ignorant I am Wink

#44: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 12:53 pm
—
Wonderful, Mary. The sense of peace and of rejoicing is so strong in your evocation of the atmosphere in that chapel.

#45: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 1:08 pm
—
I love the sense of peace in the chapel - but I also hear alarm bells ringing - what has disturbed MA so deeply that her feelings show in her face despite the sacredness of the day?

Clearly Hilda, in her new-found peace with herself, has sensed this unease, though - is this where we learn more about MA's story? And the 'urgent little tug at Hilda's heart - what does this presage?

Thank you, Mary

#46: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 8:59 pm
—
Mother Abbess herself was unaware her face had betrayed her for a fleeting second or two. Standing ready to say grace in the dining room, she watched in amusement as the nuns and their guests discovered the small gifts beside their plates. She had already found her own - and guessed who were the donors! She said grace and then waited till everyone had settled. As she waited, however, her eyes were drawn to Hilda and saw the anxiety in her face. Hilda raised her eyebrows questioningly.

So! She had given herself away – to Hilda, at least. Her sensitivity and perception heightened by her grief, Hilda had noticed what countless others had missed. Why did that not surprise her? Suddenly Mother Abbess nodded – and Hilda understood and smiled back. She could wait.

Mother Abbess shook herself and focused on the room again, her sweet voice teasing as she spoke. “You will have noticed that Father Christmas dropped in while we were at our prayers. I see, though, that he left his two little helpers behind, so you may thank them.” She grinned at Ellie’s delighted smile, and then laughed outright as Hilda raised one hand and pointed behind it to Ellie with the other, grimacing the while.

There were murmurs of appreciation from all corners as the guests opened their cherub boxes and the Sisters their flat little parcels. Angels, doves, stars, shepherd boys, kings – all appeared in many colours and guises. Ellie and Hilda went round from table to table, showing the nuns how to open up the folded paper, so that flat, two-dimensional shapes became three-dimensional models capable of standing on the tables. Excitement ran round the room as guests and Sisters admired and exclaimed over these little marvels.

Mother Abbess, meanwhile, opened her own parcel, a little larger than the others, and out fell an angel, its gown made of white velvety paper, its wings golden and feathery, its arms held out wide as though to embrace the world and tiny, iridescent stars tumbling from each hand. With Ellie’s help she opened it out and then gazed awestruck at its loveliness.

She heard an amused whisper in her ear. “Vivien made that one to my specific orders – a special angel for a very special lady. My special angel!”

“Hilda….” began Mother Abbess, but then had to swallow before she could continue. “It’s exquisite. She is very talented.” She met Hilda’s steady inquiring gaze. “Eleven o’clock, my office,” she whispered, before her eye was caught by Ellie, who was indicating to Hilda, and she added with a smile, “Erm, I think there’s a surprise there for you as well, my dear – Ellie’s special angel.”

Hilda gripped her arm and moved across to her own place, where Ellie was standing grinning broadly. There was indeed a parcel there, flat like the others but considerably larger. Hilda gasped when she opened it – and then stood stunned to silence when Ellie had helped her open it out and had placed it on the table. Not one but two angels stood there holding hands, one with brown hair and blue eyes, the other with white hair and grey eyes, their hair bound with sparkling silver stars.

Tears brimmed in Hilda’s eyes and Mother Abbess, sensing there was something amiss, hurried over – and gasped in her turn. The brown haired angel wore a gown of a deep rose pink, the other a pearly luminescent pale green one, and their wings soared behind them, softly shimmering, rainbow-hued. They each had one arm outstretched with a dove of the purest white perched there, and, where their hands joined between them, stars fell in a sparkling silver stream to curl round the bottom of both gowns. They were at least a foot high, and exquisitely beautiful, their expressions peaceful and loving.

Ellie saw the tears in Hilda’s eyes and the stunned expression on Mother Abbess’s face. “Do you not like it, Madame?” she whispered tentatively, scared that she and Miss Knowles had done wrong.

Hilda drew her close with a trembling hand and kissed her gently. “Oh, ma petite, it is beautiful beyond all telling. You and Miss Knowles have truly given me a blessing this day.” She closed her eyes over her tears as Ellie moved even closer, and then she felt Mother Abbess clasp her other hand reassuringly. The friend she had lost and her new family all bonded together……

#47: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 9:40 pm
—

Quote:

So! She had given herself away – to Hilda, at least. Her sensitivity and perception heightened by her grief, Hilda had noticed what countless others had missed. Why did that not surprise her? Suddenly Mother Abbess nodded – and Hilda understood and smiled back. She could wait.

If anyone was going to notice MA's momentary tension, then Hilda would be the one to do so - and of course MA would not be surprised, either. I'm sure we'll learn the denouement of that unspoken interchange in good time.

What wonderful gifts for all the sisters and nuns, and how much they all appreciate them. I love MA's special angel, but the two-some which Viven and Ellie have made for Hilda just surpass all bounds, doesn't it?

Quote:

The friend she had lost and her new family all bonded together

But surely this is the crux of the matter, isn't it? And in this bonding, Hilda will start, however slowly, to feel whole once again, at peace with her memories, and secure in her support for the future. Another sliver of hope working its way into Hilda's heart. A beautiful phrase, so moving, and so absolutely right for Christmas Day. Indeed that 'Peace of God which passeth all understanding.'

Thank you, Mary.

#48: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 10:00 pm
—
Glad that MA realised that Hilda had seen. The presents are wonderful - the two angels for Hilda especially. Though I can hear Nell giggling at being thought an angel! Laughing

Thanks Mary.

#49: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 10:01 pm
—
Oh Mary - I appear to have missed a scene in this film you are unwinding so beautifully for us all.

Those were lovely - how nice that Hilda is now being given a chance to help her mother. This may well be a hint of things to come, I imagine.

Thank you Mary, this is absolutely beautiful.

#50: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 11:21 pm
—
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful - such a special present.

Thank you Mary

#51: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 12:44 am
—
I almost stopped breathing reading the description of the two angels! How lovely and how perfectly right.

What a lovely example of the closeness of the relationship between Hilda and MA - they are such aware and sensitive souls that they can read the other's moods very well. And like Elder I'm sure there's more of this.

And such a lovely moment - "the friend she had lost and her new family all bonded together……

Thank you Mary.

#52: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 11:56 pm
—
Oh, wonderful! More gorgeous origami, and beautifully described, as ever. What lovely presents for everyone to receive - though I confess I did chuckle at the idea of Hilda as 'Santa's little helper'! As for the exquisite passage about Christmas roses in the previous post, I shall never look at them in the same way again. Hilda's joy itself is like that Christmas rose - only revealed after tears have fallen.

Quote:

...her eyes held once more that other-worldliness, her sensitive face was tinged the faintest of pinks, her vulnerable lips hovered on the edge of a smile.

And another incredibly vivid picture; I can see Hilda's expression so clearly...

I do hope MA will be alright. On the other hand, she has Hilda there, and who better for her to talk to if she is in distress?

Just what I needed before bed to give me pleasant dreams. Merci, cherie.

#53: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 12:03 am
—
The silent communication between Hilda and MA is so impressive, and I am looking forward to what will be revealed at 11.00 in MA's study.

Such beautiful gifts, and such potential wholeness for Hilda. Not only a representation of her permanent joining with Nell, but one created with love by Vivien, another new friend. Not only Ellie and MA, but the others who love Hilda who have just been present in her thoughts. This must be a healing conjunction, surely.

#54: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 1:19 pm
—
Is this what you were all waiting for? Laughing

Hilda tapped gently on the door but received no reply, so slipped quietly into the Office, to see her friend standing at the window, staring out into the bare and wintry garden. She gave no indication that she was even aware of another’s presence. Placing the small package she was carrying on to the desk, Hilda moved over to stand beside Mother Abbess, careful not to startle her.

Mother Abbess gave a soft sigh. “Hilda,” was all she said, her sweet voice very sad.

“Come and sit down,” whispered Hilda, “We can just be together quietly if you don’t want to talk, but I don’t think you should be alone.”

“How they will miss that gentleness and perception of yours when you leave the school,” the nun said tangentially as she allowed herself to be settled on the couch. Hilda sat at her feet, a favourite place of hers, and took the cold hands in her warm ones, searching the kindly face.

“I have never seen you like this,” she said anxiously. “Christmas Day is not a good day for you, is it? How on earth did you manage to comfort and uphold me during the night, feeling as you do?”

Mother Abbess looked down into the gentle eyes. “Because you are a beloved daughter and you were in need. And, strange as it may seem, the joy you found then is helping me right this minute.” Hilda shook her head but the nun simply gave a glimmer of a smile and then added almost wistfully, “Do you know, child, you are the first person ever to notice what Christmas Day does to me - and I have been here a good many years. I know you are very perceptive but I have to ask myself – did I want you to know and so allowed you a glimpse inside?”

“You don’t have to tell me,” whispered Hilda. “But if it would help, I would do my utmost to support you.”

Mother Abbess leaned forward and cupped Hilda’s face. “You help me just by the love you give me, dear. But yes, I think, after all that has developed between us, I would like to tell you. Only two people ever knew, here in the Convent. Pauline, who entered at the same time, was a tower of strength in our noviciate….what?”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” murmured Hilda smilingly. “She’s a wonderful person,” and she took the nun’s hands in hers again. Mother Abbess chuckled quietly.

“Ah yes, you and your prescience. Only the sick ever see beneath that brusqueness of hers, and even then not all of them.” She paused, and turned her head slightly to stare into the fire. “The only other person who knew was my Mother Abbess – she refused to tell my Mistress of Novices anything, just insisted that when things got too bad I was to come straight to this Office instead. She was the one who taught me that always following the rules slavishly is wrong.”

Silence fell as she stared into the flames. Hilda waited patiently, as patiently as she ever did for a child or a mistress who needed time and space. The logs settled in the fire, the wooden panelling creaked, footsteps could be heard going quietly past the door.

Mother Abbess spoke abruptly. “What were you doing the Christmas of 1931, sweetheart?”

Hilda gasped and stared up blankly at Mother Abbess. “That was the year I lost James,” she whispered. “I was twenty seven. I don’t remember very much about it.”

“So – we have that in common as well,” said Mother Abbess quietly, her face and eyes sad for Hilda. “I was thirty two - and pregnant, very pregnant.”

Hilda’s eyes widened and she clasped the nun’s hands more firmly, aware they were coming to the heart of it. Mother Abbess smiled shakily then looked away and one sensed she had left the peaceful room.....

#55: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 1:43 pm
—
Well, that I wasn't expecting!

Quote:

Do you know, child, you are the first person ever to notice what Christmas Day does to me - and I have been here a good many years. I know you are very perceptive but I have to ask myself – did I want you to know and so allowed you a glimpse inside?

So Hilda's perception and capacity for understanding affects even MA, and that's a very interesting question. Do we only allow ourselves to reveal the most significant things to those whom we choose as recipients? Does MA recognise that she has, in Hilda, found a person who can give her what she needs, through the catalyst of her own loss? It would seem so - and they are perhaps more similar than they have previously acknowledged; their losses are different in type, but not in substance.

And Hilda's capacity to call forth a response, to allow "time and space" , to read from expression and gesture as well as hear what is said and all that "gentleness and perception" that she has is and will be so valuable throughout this community.

Thank you Mary, for starting this.

#56: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 3:08 pm
—
Oh dear, this is not going to be a happy story. 1931 and pregnant? Not good if not married. Crying or Very sad

#57: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 3:39 pm
—
Oh, I hadm't thought of that, glad you are going to tell her story.

#58: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 3:40 pm
—
Or did she lose both husband and child ?
Shocked

How can I beat the suspense ?

BTW, those angels were so lovingly described, I could have reached out and touched them...................... I wish I had one !

#59: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 4:09 pm
—
Oops - definitely not what I expected, especially for that time - but of course, there may have been a husband in the picture too. Doubtless you will reveal all in your own good time, Mary - meantime we can form our own ideas and then see how close we are to your reality.

I also love the way that Hilda's super-heightened perceptive senses made her so aware that all was not well with MA - and that MA realised the fact so quickly. It speaks volumes for that special rapport between these two - and that it doesn't all flow in only one direction. I agree with Cath that this bodes so well for Hilda's future life at the convent.

#60: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 4:10 pm
—
That was wonderful. Thanks, Mary.

#61: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 5:02 pm
—
Oh well done Hilda.

And poor MA. I hope that she can find comfort in this sharing of her story. It looks like it's going to be a riveting story to hear - though indubtably quite difficult as well.

I shall look forward to the next post when it comes.

#62: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 9:12 pm
—

Identity Hunt wrote:

How can I bear the suspense!

You don't need to, Sian. Laughing

As I am going away tomorrow for two weeks I thought I would give you another tiny bit....you may not thank me, of course! Crying or Very sad

.....“So – we have that in common as well,” said Mother Abbess quietly, her face sad for Hilda. “I was thirty two - and pregnant, very pregnant.” Hilda’s eyes widened and she clasped the nun’s hands more firmly, aware they were coming to the heart of it. Mother Abbess smiled shakily then looked away and one sensed she had left the peaceful room.

When she spoke again her voice was low and hesitant. “We lived in Edinburgh – had a beautiful house on the Royal Mile. Stephen came from money and my parents were well to do. However, money can’t buy everything, no matter what they tell you. We had been married several years and were very happy together, but the one thing we really wanted never materialised. We both loved children very much but I had three miscarriages in as many years. I was beginning to despair and then, unbelievably, this little one seemed determined to cling to life. We were ecstatic, and even more in love than ever….”

Her voice broke suddenly and she looked down at their clasped hands. Hilda loosened one hand and stroked the lined cheek gently. “You can stop any time,” she whispered. “You don’t have to do this.”

Mother Abbess lifted her head and saw the deep compassion in Hilda’s eyes. “I think I do,” she murmured. “For lots of reasons, I think I need you to know.” She took a deep breath, a diver about to plunge into dangerous waters.

“Usually we went to the Midnight Service on Christmas Eve, but, as I said, I was very pregnant, eight months in fact, and needed a lot of rest, so we went to the Morning Service instead. As we entered the house on our return Stephen sent me into our beautiful sitting room, telling me to put my feet up and he would bring me some breakfast. We had let all the servants go home for the two day holiday and were on our own.”

Her gaze was now fixed on the flames in the hearth, but Hilda wondered if she saw them. Her hands were suddenly gripping Hilda’s very hard, and the latter had to force herself to keep still and not wince.

“Lying there on the couch, I looked at the Christmas tree and thought how wonderful it would be the following Christmas – all the presents for the little one piled up there, Stephen playing the proud father. Dear God, he was so excited about this baby.” Her hands gripped even harder and her voice fell to a whisper. “That was when I heard the shot.”

#63: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 9:14 pm
—
What a wonderful place to stop, Mary - well done! Laughing

(Sigh, no scandel then Rolling Eyes

, was hoping for juicy gossip about the MA! Wink

)

#64: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 9:32 pm
—
That is so right Mary. Poor MA loosing this child one way or another. I am glad she had some time with her husband even if it was pitifully short.

Thank you for relieving the ideas that MA may not have been true to her faith. But really, she wouldn't have been true to herself if she wasn't true to her faith.

#65: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 10:02 pm
—

Quote:

Hilda’s eyes widened

She's not the only one - that was certainly unexpected! And I have a horrible feeling the story is going to get worse before it gets better... and we're going to have to wait, aren't we?!

This is so sad, but so moving. That MA can tell Hilda reveals just how close they have become in a short time. The love between them is almost palpable. But Hilda is a person to whom others open up, and MA is no different.

The atmosphere you create here is beautiful, Mary, despite the sadness. I shall wait with baited breath to hear the rest of the story...

Merci, cherie.

#66: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 1:24 am
—

Cath V-P wrote:

Does MA recognise that she has, in Hilda, found a person who can give her what she needs, through the catalyst of her own loss?

Certainly we are beginning to see that their unconscious sensitivity to each other is based on more than simple affection. Both have had to cope with the loss of their 'heart's best treasure', and that is a deep bond.

How hard it must have been for MA to lose her husband and her child at Christmas. I wonder what the reason for that shot is, and how the story will unfold.

A lovely description, too, of Hilda's sensitivity, her ability to give time and space to all who come to her for help, whether at school or in the convent. And how restorative for Hilda to be able to repay some of the help and support that MA has given her so unstintingly.

#67: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 3:30 am
—
It is indeed a measure of how closely these two souls are already intertwined that firstly, Hilda spotted something wrong and secondly that MA was so secure in her trust and affection for her that she could tell her (clearly the first person she has confided in, since only two other people, who were around at the time, knew about it) this story of her own deep losses that long ago Christmas. This will, of course, only seal their relationship even more firmly - while neither of them can completelly forget their grievous losses, they will each gain in strength from knowing that the other has also suffered the loss of someone so near and dear to them.

We will, as Katya says, be waiting with baited breath for you to tell us the details when you come home from your holiday. But thank you for this little bit to keep us in suspense while you are gone!!

#68: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 5:19 am
—
This was even more unexpected, and I have a feeling that the sadness is only just commencing. I find it fascinating that MA recognises that she has to tell this to Hilda, to bring an equality perhaps, to their relationship that it would otherwise have lacked, but that is necessary to them both.

Thank you for this Mary - have a lovely holiday and we'll be here waiting with a coffee, and some cakes when you get back. Laughing

#69: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 6:21 pm
—
MARY!

That was a truly marvellous place to stop. *settles self with hot chocolate and cake*

Whatever MA's story was, I never expected that, not in a million years.

#70: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 11:55 pm
—
Thank you Mary
I didn't expect that.
The posts about Hilda's new found peace were awesome!
Hope you have a great holiday.

#71: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 11:05 pm
—
I knew I should have waited until just before you came back, Mary. *goes and hides from cliff*

Interesting that MA also spent significant time in the world before entering the convent....

#72: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 8:12 pm
—
.....“Lying there on the couch, I looked at the Christmas tree and thought how wonderful it would be the following Christmas – all the presents for the little one piled up there, Stephen playing the proud father. Dear God, he was so excited about this baby.” Her hands gripped even harder and her voice fell to a whisper. “That was when I heard the shot.”

“The shot?” gasped Hilda blankly.

“It didn’t dawn on me at first just what the noise was – but then I heard another. Oh, I knew the sound of gunfire. My father had kept guns, took me shooting. It was how I met Stephen.”

“So that was why…..”

“Why I was so shaken the day that boy climbed over the wall of the Convent?” Mother Abbess nodded, her voice and face distant. “It took me straight back thirty years – and I had no courage and left it all to you.”

“You had plenty of courage,” whispered Hilda. “We’re still here, aren’t we? You were the one who took action that day.” She squeezed the cold hand in hers and waited patiently, but there was only silence as Mother Abbess sat staring down blankly at their joined hands. Finally, fearfully, Hilda pushed her. “What did you do after the second shot?”

Mother Abbess laughed mirthlessly. “The stupidest thing ever! Why on earth didn’t I think about my baby? I levered myself off that damn couch and went through the door into the hall – to see….” She stopped and one hand was lifted to cover her eyes, as though to shut out the sight. “Stephen was lying in the doorway to the Study and there was blood in a huge pool all around him – and the pool kept growing and spreading. A man was standing over him, gun pointing right at Stephen's head.”

She swallowed, licked her lips and tried to continue, but nothing emerged. Her hand fell away from her eyes and she looked over to the fire, her face filled with the memory of her pain that day. She licked her lips again and this time managed to go on relating the horrific tale, her voice quivering with emotion. “I don’t think I had really taken in what was happening. I completely ignored what all my senses were screaming at me and started to walk across the floor of the hall. The man suddenly became aware of me and lifted the gun - but I didn’t care. I only wanted to be with Stephen. But I was no more than halfway there when he turned his gun towards me and fired.”

She heard Hilda’s soft gasp of horror but she was in full flow now. “At first I was unaware of any pain. But then, without warning, I found myself lying on the floor. I don’t remember falling. I looked up to see him standing over me, gun at the ready – but he didn’t shoot again, which had clearly been his intention. He was staring down at my stomach. You couldn’t really miss it, after all!” she laughed mirthlessly again. “I lay there waiting for the shot that would kill me, wondering if I would feel it. But then, suddenly, he looked me straight in the eye. It was like….like he was trying to tell me something. And then - he just turned and ran through the front door….”

“Why didn’t he shoot?” whispered Hilda, though she was beginning to have an inkling.

Mother Abbess turned her head and looked down at Hilda, anguish in her eyes. “I loved my unborn baby, Hilda. I would have protected it from anything, given my life for it. But in the end, it was my wee bairn who protected me. It gave its life for mine. That man shot me in the stomach. He shot my child. Was that why he ran?”

Her voice trailed away and Hilda, horror in her heart, rose to her knees. She put her arms round her friend and pulled her close, rocking her gently, just as this woman had held her times without number. How did you recover from something so terrible? And she had thought her own heart broken……

#73: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 8:28 pm
—
Oh, how terrible - and why???? Shocked

That was a dreadful thing for MA to live through.

Thanks for the post, Mary.

#74: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 11:31 pm
—
Oh, how truly dreadful, to lose both of them in such a terrible way. And such a savage irony - that the child she would have protected to the death protected her. To have to go on from that....

Thank you Mary.

#75: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 12:25 am
—
And to have to feel that she was in some way responsible, if she had behaved less instinctively, if she had thought to protect herself and the baby, if only ... what a burden to have to carry, especially after three miscarriages.

This will surely shock Hilda out of her own grief, at least for the moment, and, as Cath said earlier, it establishes an equality between Hilda and MA which was lacking when MA was the one constantly dispensing comfort.

I am waiting to learn the reason for the shooting, too. Robbery, perhaps?

Thank you, Mary.

#76: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 12:34 am
—
Echoes Cath and Tara's comments here - MA's loss of both husband and unborn child in such a manner can't help but have been utterly devastating for her and it's not surprising that the anniversary continues to renew the horrors of the experience, even though she may still present her normal unruffled calm to all except the few who know the truth - and now to Hilda, who had so quickly sensed that all was not well with this special friend.

I do agree, too, that the fact she could share the story of this devastating loss with Hilda does 'level the field' between them - now it is her turn to become the comforter and MA's to be the comforted. Another little 'turn of the screw' already connecting them so strongly.

Thank you, Mary - presumably we will learn what the intruder's motive was in due course.

#77: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:38 am
—
I was afraid of that. And it's even more horrific than I'd imagined. Crying or Very sad

Still, the fact that MA is able to open up to Hilda is a positive sign....

Thanks, Mary.

#78: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 7:23 am
—
Crying or Very sad

Oh no ! I knew it was going to be awful, but I didn`t think it would be as horrific as that..............what evil could have prompted the murderer to kill the child as well ?

We *need* more, Mary !

#79: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:25 pm
—
Oh!!!! POOR Mother Abbess!!!!
Please may we know the reasons for the murders? Or was it all a random attack?

#80: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:39 pm
—
Thank you Mary, what a tragedy for the poor Mother Abbess.

Kathryn

#81: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 9:13 pm
—
Thank you, one and all, but I am afraid you will have to wait for the reason for the tragedy. Shocked

“I’m okay, love. You can let me go,” whispered Mother Abbess eventually. Hilda pulled back a little and searched the green eyes. “Like your James, it has become an ache in the heart, not the great, gaping wound it once was. After all, it was thirty years ago, time to heal.”

“Not so, Mother,” whispered Hilda. “To lose a baby, a much-wanted baby, in such circumstances…..How do you get over such a thing?”

“You don’t, sweetheart, you know that yourself, especially when you don’t know, for a long while, why it happened.” Mother Abbess’s sweet voice was very sad as she spoke. “You somehow make it part of yourself, of your spirit, then find some way of going on living – which is more than I wanted to do as I lay on the floor that day.”

Her green eyes grew very dark as she spoke those last words and Hilda was concerned. “Please, give yourself some time,” she said quietly as she settled on the floor again, her hands once more warming the nun’s cold ones. “This is torture for you.”

Mother Abbess shook her head. “Not any more, child. One day very soon I shall see them again. I know that now. But lying there that day on that cold floor – that was torture, of the worst kind. I tried to move across to Stephen but it was like I was glued to the one spot. I whispered his name, stretched out my hand and he turned his head. He smiled. Dear God, Hilda, he smiled at me!”

Hilda put up her hand to cup the soft cheek of her friend, and Mother Abbess pressed her own hand against it, leaning into the comfort. Her voice was a mere thread. “I lay there and watched the love in his eyes fade as the life left him. And I screamed out to God to let me die too, that He couldn’t leave me here all alone like this. May He forgive me for that, some day.”

“He understood,” whispered Hilda, her heart aching. “Did He not watch His own Son die? And I would have felt exactly the same, did feel exactly the same once or twice. You were badly injured, had just watched your husband die, guessed that your baby was dead. How else should you feel?” There was no answer to such a question, as she well knew. “How on earth did you survive? Why didn’t you bleed to death as you lay there - if there was no one else in the house?”

“One of life’s ironies! I could see my blood, my baby’s blood, pumping out onto the floor and I thought God had answered my cry. I would die there beside Stephen, along with our baby. I lost consciousness in the end and knew nothing else until I woke up in hospital. How did I get there?"

There was distress in her eyes as she answered her own question. "My father had been due to come for Christmas lunch, but he decided, though he never knew why, to come earlier. He found the door open – the murderer had left it like that – and walked in on a scene straight from Hell. It killed him – he had a heart attack less than two months later,” she finished starkly.

“Oh, my dear,” murmured Hilda brokenly.

Mother Abbess smiled down at her. “You care!” she breathed.

“So much!” Hilda assured her.

The nun leaned forward and touched her lips to Hilda’s forehead. “That helps.” Hilda nodded and grasped her friend’s hand, guessing what was coming next.

#82: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 10:25 pm
—
Oh my goodness - weren't the two deaths enough, without that third one? How could one soul bear so much in so little time?

And yet, how much more strongly will sharing her story with Hilda bind these two souls together, enabling them to help each other through the hard times and emotions brought about by anniversaries such as these? Such compelling evidence of the bond already forged between them and continuing to strengthen, yet without either of them forgetting the past which has, in the end brought them together in this way. (Does that make sense? - I hope so!)

Powerfully told, Mary - thank you. And I know you'll tell us the reason for this tragedy in your own time, so.....!

#83: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 12:39 am
—
Oh to lose so much, so soon and so shockingly - husband, child parent. And Hilda knows the place where MA was, knows what it is to have the world go cold in an instant as happiness is snatched away and she is left alone. And MA is aware of this, and it's why she can tell Hilda - in the full realisation that Hilda cares.

And the sense of meeting between them is so strong, so clear as they have both readjusted to what had to happen:

Quote:

You somehow make it part of yourself, of your spirit, then find some way of going on living

Thank you Mary

#84: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 4:46 am
—
Such a terrible, terrible tragedy; no wonder she wanted to join them.To lose so much, so quickly. At least Hilda will be able to empathise.

Thank you Mary.

#85: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 12:13 pm
—
Mary !
If I cry anymore, my keyboard will stop working..........

Poor, poor MA ! I can`t imagine how awful life must have felt for her for such a very long time afterwards.
She might not be "real" Shocked

, but my heart aches for her nevertheless.
Looking forward to more when you get chance......

#86: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 3:01 pm
—
Such a tragedy.

#87: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 5:21 pm
—
Oh how dreadful for her to face such a terrible tragedy, and to have to face the death of her father alone.

Thank you Mary Crying or Very sad

#88: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 12:01 am
—
Thank you Mary

Kathryn

#89: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 1:38 am
—
How has she ever recovered from that? Losing her father as well, particularly when he'd saved her - although she probably felt that she would have preferred him to have left her to die.

Poor MA - but what strength and empathy her grief and loss have given her.

#90: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 6:22 am
—
Oh Mary
That is so sad.

#91: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 10:48 am
—

Cath V-P wrote:

And the sense of meeting between them is so strong, so clear

As this next post makes clear, Cath. It doesn't take MA's story forward for you, just emphasises what they now are to each other.

There was a deep sigh from the woman on the couch, a sigh that seemed wrenched from her very depths. “When I regained consciousness, they told me I had lost the baby – which I already knew, even as I lay there watching Stephen die – and that I would never be able to have another. They had had to remove my shattered womb along with my dead baby.”

Hilda gasped silently. It was getting worse. “I didn’t care, Hilda! Why would I want another baby? The only child I had ever wanted was gone, lost forever, along with the only man I could ever love.” Mother Abbess’s voice fell to a whisper, traces of the land she had left so long ago still evident in her voice. “My bairn! My puir wee bairn! They told me it had been a little girl – a baby daughter who had saved her mother’s life and lost her own.”

Silence fell between them as they contemplated the loss of this little girl who had meant so much to her mother and father. Eventually, Hilda found the courage to look up into the nun’s glorious green eyes – to find them watching her with so much love that her own breath faltered. Watching her….and waiting.... For what?

And then she remembered. In the faintest of whispers, almost too scared to voice such a thought, she asked, “Was that why you told me the other day….?”

“That you had become the daughter I never had?” nodded Mother Abbess, finishing the sentence for her and reaching out a hand to stroke Hilda’s cheek. “Yes, my dear, you have somehow become her. I had shut my heart against such love after that day, vowing never to care for anyone or anything again as I had cared for Stephen and that precious child. All the Sisters I have met here over the years, all the people who have come to me for help – not one of them ever made a dent in my armour. Then you come along, scarcely five years younger, and you find your way overnight into this sealed-up heart of mine, nestling there as though you had always belonged.”

She smiled gently when she saw the love shining in Hilda’s intensely blue eyes. How those feelings were reciprocated! “You told me in the San that I had become your mother. That was the first time I was ever willing to hear and accept that word from another’s lips, for I had never wanted to be a mother to anyone, after losing her. Another of life’s little ironies – becoming the Abbess meant everyone calling me Mother. But that was different somehow. I could accept that.”

Her voice was full of love as she added, “You might be near me in age, sweetheart, but I feel for you all I would have felt for that tiny daughter of mine, all I did feel as she grew inside me. I would have stood in the way of all danger to protect her from harm, much as you did for Ian and myself.”

Hilda shook her head at that but Mother Abbess was very firm. “Oh yes, child – you very nearly died to save the both of us. And now, just as my daughter gave her life for me, so I would do the same for you. I would step in front of a speeding train or a rampaging bull, even a bullet, to keep you from harm. And count it all worth the cost. Truly God has blessed me in my old age.”

“And me!” whispered Hilda faintly, totally overwhelmed by the words she had just heard. She buried her face in the nun’s habit and wept soundlessly – for the love being bestowed on her so, for the tragedy, for her friend’s agony. Mother Abbess stroked the silvered hair. How Hilda’s walls had fallen! Where was the impassive, self-controlled woman now?

“Sh, child. Please don’t weep for me – it’s only really on Christmas Day that it hurts.” The nun’s sweet voice was full of her love as she spoke. “You haven’t heard it all yet, but you have taken away so much of the pain by your gentle listening today and by your very presence in my life."

She fell silent a moment, and then added very, very softly, "If she had been even half as good as you, sweetheart, my daughter would have been very beautiful. How I envy your Nell the years she shared with you.”

#92: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 12:00 pm
—
Such a sad story - and how terrible that it caused MA to shut herself off for so long. Glad Hilda was able to open her heart once more.

Thanks Mary.

#93: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:59 pm
—
What a lovely affirmation of the relationship between these two, and so greatly strengthened by both their past bereavements. I'm so glad that Hilda has gained MA's trust and love to the point where she has been able to pierce through the shell which MA has clearly built around these bitter losses - yes, these are inevitably more poignant, given the day, but it's clear evidence of how much MA feels for Hilda that she is able to talk about it at all, and to establish Hilda in a place so close to the depth of her own heart. (Hope that makes sense.)

Thank you, Mary

#94: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 2:22 pm
—
What a truly loving relationship they have and how healing it is for both of them, allowing them each to emerge from behind the walls of loneliness that they have built up. And this love that they now have doesn't detract from anything that they have had; instead it enhances it and makes it more itself somehow.
And how much they have gained and will gain from one another. This is truly remarkable.
Thank you Mary.

#95: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 12:20 am
—

Quote:

you find your way overnight into this sealed-up heart of mine, nestling there as though you had always belonged.”

That says it all, Mary; there's no need for any more.

#96: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 7:00 am
—
Mary, how lovely and tender this update has been !

I am glad MA has found comfort and consolation in Hilda - a true joy for both of them.

Will we get to hear more about MA`s story in due course ?

#97: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 11:06 am
—
Thank you Mary, the relationship between Hilda and MA is just beautiful.

Kathryn

#98: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:05 pm
—
Oh mary love - 3 such stunning posts - both for the way they are composed, and for that which they hold in them. I'm glad I came in to this lot at the end, because they would be so difficult. Yet again, you have the love of these two women, yet again there is the pain and the loss of the one involved in the most immediate of the agony.

Thank you Mary - they are wonderful, and you are a wonderful writer.

#99: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 9:36 pm
—

Identity Hunt wrote:

Will we get to hear more about MA`s story in due course ?

Coming up, Sian!

...."How I envy your Nell the years she shared with you.”

Hilda’s head lay against the nun long after the tears had ceased. That last sentence of the nun’s had resounded inside her. Oh yes, they had been good years, those years with Nell, years she would cherish forever. She would take comfort from them, find her joy in them.

Mother Abbess’s hand still lay on her hair, but the nun’s own mind was far way on the person she had been, the pain she had suffered. “I didn’t have your courage, child, or your faith,” she whispered abruptly.

Hilda raised her head to stare at her friend uncomprehendingly. “Wh….what do you mean?”

“I ran away,” she said baldly. “I couldn’t face any of it. I fled, for I had no courage to walk through the agony I felt.”

“But I was older,” stammered Hilda. “And I did run away. For two weeks I couldn't eat – was I unconsciously starving myself to death so I could join her? Is that not tantamount to running away?”

Mother Abbess tilted Hilda’s chin so they could clearly see each other. “You didn’t run away – you stayed, you suffered. For all you couldn’t pray for a wee while, you still knew God was there. And you returned to Him so quickly. I rejected Him – totally.”

Hilda opened her mouth to deny it all, but found a finger laid on her lips. Mother Abbess continued softly, “And you may have been older when Nell died, but what about James’ death? You were so young, but you clung on to God. You stayed and saw it through. How ever did you get yourself to school every day and face those shining faces so filled with hope, when you had lost your very future? You were so faithful, child.”

“But there was nothing else I could have done,” responded Hilda in bewilderment.

Mother Abbess gave a soft laugh of derision. “Oh, there were plenty of things you could have done, my dear. Turned to drink, to other men – even committed suicide….”

Appalled, Hilda stared up at her. Mother Abbess nodded and smiled grimly. “Oh, yes, child. In that hospital I tried with desperate single-mindedness to kill myself. After all, is that not the best way of all of running away? What did I have to live for? I pulled out tubes, refused to eat or take their medicine, begged them to let me die. I even managed to steal a nurse’s scissors once and tried to cut open my stitches. I was in despair. No, I was in Hell.”

Hilda grasped one of the nun’s hands and put it to her lips. “You understand so well, don’t you?” Mother Abbess’s sweet voice was very low. Hilda nodded wordlessly. “I don’t think I even told Pauline all I am telling you here. I wasn’t prepared to reveal the depths to which I had sunk. I was frightened of losing her respect. But you and I – we’ve gone beyond that, haven’t we?”

Hilda nodded again. Only to this strong, compassionate woman had she dared to reveal her deepest self, her faults and failings, just as she had with Nell, knowing it was safe to do so. Lovingly, Mother Abbess watched the play of emotions on Hilda’s face and was satisfied. She took up her tale once more.

“They kept me sedated most of the time, afraid of what I would do. I was watched constantly. Both Ian and my father tried to talk to me – they knew what a wayward, impulsive person I was, but I refused to listen. Stephen was the only one who had ever been able to control me. Without him I was lost. However, in the end, deciding I would get nowhere in hospital, I bided my time until I could leave. God didn’t figure in this at all. I had turned my back on Him. He had nothing to offer me. He had taken away all I loved and there was nothing He could put in their place. But God had not turned His back on me at all.”

She paused and sighed at the hatred and despair inside her at that time. “I left the hospital to return home, although my father had pleaded with me to go home to him. He felt going back to where I had been so happy would be my undoing. He couldn’t have known how right he was."

She stopped speaking and stared unseeingly into the glowing embers on the hearth. "I stood for a long while in the nursery that night, listening to the silence, staring at the empty cot, the unused toys, the tiny clothes – imagining what might have been. I lay on our bed, stroking the pillow where Stephen had last lain, cuddling his pyjamas to me, smelling his nearness, desperate for the touch of his hand, needing his arms around me to take away the coldness, the emptiness. I begged him to come back to me.”

Tears gathered once more in Hilda’s eyes as she heard the desolation in the sweet voice – desolation she recognised all too well, the desolation she herself had felt, not once, not twice, but three times. Her heart ached at the thought of that lonely, despairing woman searching for comfort in that silent, empty house. No wonder she had understood so well the loss of Nell.

“Finally I could bear it no longer. I would put an end to it once and for all.”

The words were shocking, ugly, in their abruptness. Hilda’s grasp on the nun’s hand tightened as though to ward off a blow. Mother Abbess stared down into the fearful eyes, her own eyes haunted by her actions. “I got up and prepared everything with chilling exactness, even made the bed and tidied the room, put the pyjamas to be washed. Completely out of my mind, of course.”

Tears sparkled in those green eyes staring down at the silent Hilda. “What in the end stayed my hand? Stephen? My baby? That still, small voice of God? I’ll never know, child. But, when dawn came, I put away the knife I had taken upstairs, I let out the bathwater in which I had intended to die, and I threw on the fire the letter I had written to my father, detailing the reasons why I had to kill myself.” She paused and added softly, "There could have been no forgiveness for what that would have done to him."

#100: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 10:46 pm
—
That was very powerful Mary, thank you.

Kathryn

#101: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 10:52 pm
—
No wonder that Hilda is so well able to understand the depth of MA's grief and despair - despite MA's protestations to the contrary, had she not sunk almost to the same levels herself in the immediate aftermath of Nell's death? How well MA herself understands that, and thus feels able to confide every aspect of what she herself went through, including things which she's previously told no-one.

And what stopped her from taking that ultimate action, to join Stephen and their unborn daughter? Simply the knowledge that to inflict that one more sorrow on her father was not fair to him. In other words, even lost as she was in that despair, one element of reason called out to her and prevailed.

A searing, sorrowful and yet at the same time wonderful episode, Mary - wonderful in the sense that she knows that in Hilda she has, after all these years found this kindred spirit, with whom she can feel free to share her innermost memories.

Thank you.

#102: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 11:04 pm
—
Poor, poor woman, and yet she didn't give in, did she. Something, probably her own nature, stopped her.

Thanks Mary, very powerful.

#103: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 5:02 am
—
Perhaps hearing all of this will help Hilda as much as telling should help MA. It's certainly demonstrates the depth of their growing friendship! But now each also knows that the other has been through the wringer, and sunk to a depth that each thinks unforgivable -- something I'm sure each can convince the other is absurd.

(Sorry about the pronouns. I know what I mean. Confused

)

Thanks, Mary.

#104: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 6:04 am
—
Mary,
I am delighted to find this update on MA, but after the weekend I`ve had, it`s reducing me to tears Crying or Very sad

Poor MA. What a tragedy, and what despair she must have felt. No wonder she can empathise with Hilda so well...........

#105: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 2:43 pm
—
Oh Mary - what loving compassion you write with. You never hide from the difficult things love, they are always there, right in front of you. Human frailty and fear are painted so vividly by your words that it's impossible to escape some of the emotions produced by your writing.

Thank you Mary - such wonderful evocative writing.

#106: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:15 am
—
It's quite harrowing to realise the depths of despair to which such an accumulation of loss has reduced this strong woman. But she is strong, and it is this steely resolve that surfaces in the end. Even her love for her father might not have weighed heavily enough in a balance that had Stephen and the baby on its other side, but ultimately she will not take the easy way out.

Quote:

How ever did you get yourself to school every day and face those shining faces so filled with hope, when you had lost your very future?

But was it not her work that made it possible for Hilda to carry on, and her responsibility to the girls in her charge that held her up when all she wanted to do was run away and hide? Although school was also the place where she felt Nell's absence most keenly, her instinct would, perhaps, be to immerse herself in her work rather than stay away from it.

Thank you, Mary, such a lot to think about.

#107: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:40 am
—
I've read and pondered on these last two updates, and oh the depths of despair that are here. No wonder that she and Hilda can understand one another so well - and can reveal so much to one another. Hilda's awareness of the

Quote:

desolation she recognised all too well, the desolation she herself had felt, not once, not twice, but three times

reveals just how alike they are in these devastating and cumulative losses - and how they are able to reveal all and everything to one another.

And that was a chilling account of the precision with which those preparations can be made; not a passionate action, but a strange sober reasoning that is so difficult to deflect. And that one thing, the awareness of her father's love and need, holding her to herself and stopping her.

Thank you Mary

#108: Author: vicki_theterror, Location: london

Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:57 am
—
mary
this is fantastic, I have spent most of the last two weeks reading all of this when ever i had aspare moment. the feelings and emotion you get into all the posts is awsome. please go on writing this, as it has really touched me in a special way.

Vicki

#109: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:30 pm
—

vicki_theterror wrote:

Please go on writing this, as it has really touched me in a special way.

Thank you for those very special words, Vicki, but I have no choice about whether I write it. Laughing

Many thanks to all of you for your loving appreciation of that last extract, which I did find very hard to set down, as it made me cry.

“What did you do instead?” whispered Hilda, hurting for the pain this woman had endured.

Mother Abbess laughed harshly. “Why, child, as I said, I ran away. If I couldn’t do it one way I would do it another. I packed, throwing things willy-nilly into a case. I left a note for the housekeeper and I fled – trying to leave behind not just my pain, but all those well-meaning do-gooders who said time would heal, all those hateful people who told me I would marry again, that I would forget Stephen.” She shook her head at the foolishness and the cruelty of such well-meant platitudes.

“And, yes, I fled that tiny voice that even then was whispering to me. Was He mad? Turn to Him after all he had done to me and mine? I told Him what He could do with His so-called love. I fled to the South of France where we had a house - and gave myself over to a life of heedless pleasure, trying desperately to drown the memory of Stephen’s face, his voice, his love.”

But how do you drown the pain of losing those you have held so close to your heart, thought Hilda to herself. Mother Abbess read her mind, as always. “You can’t, dear. I was stupid and childish – and hurting almost beyond belief. The Hound of Heaven could have been written just for me at that point in my life. You know it surely:

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after!
Across the margent of the world I fled.
And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clangèd bars.”
(Francis Thompson)

Hilda’s rich, velvety voice came back at her like a refrain: Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the Lord. “Do I not fill both Heaven and earth?’(Jer. 23)

“Ah, yes, child, you are the faithful one. I have known that from the first moment I met you,” whispered Mother Abbess, acknowledging the truth she saw in Hilda’s eyes. “But I had to learn the long, hard way what you seemed to assimilate with the loss of your mother – that in the end there is no escape – from pain or from Him.”

She grimaced, but turned away to face the fire, as though she was afraid of what she might now see in Hilda’s eyes. “But I tried to escape, oh how I tried! There were plenty of other young fools like me in the South of France at that time, out for nothing but a good time - the good time that only vast amounts of money could buy. Some of them were like me, I expect – out to drown those tiny voices they might hear if they stopped even for one moment. I drank, partied all night, spent my time on yachts, in hotels, in the houses of other rich folk – but strangely enough, though there were men, I never once entertained one in my bed. Plenty wanted me to – money talks after all, and I had masses of the stuff. But….”

She stopped, rubbed her forehead and then looked down once more into the steady eyes watching her. She spoke softly, “Oh yes, plenty of men – but Stephen and my baby stayed me from that final step on the path of my self-destruction.” Her eyes were very dark, filled with pain, as she gazed sombrely at Hilda. How close she had come to losing herself completely in those years!

Finally coming back to herself she saw Hilda’s eyes were filled with compassion and love. “How calmly you wait, child. You are so easy to talk to. You walk through things with others, touch them where they are, accept what they tell you and never flinch.”

“Why should I flinch?” asked Hilda softly. “My heart aches for you, wondering how long you lived like that?”

“Years, sweetheart. Years,” sighed the nun sadly. “My father’s death moved me not one jot – just one more thing to lay at God’s door. What fools we are to ourselves. Ian pleaded with me time and again to go home, but how could I? I had no home." She paused and then added wryly, “I was one determined lassie, Hilda. My Stuart blood showing – and my red hair!””

#110: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:36 pm
—
Thank you Mary, you captured MA's mix of emotions so well there.

#111: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:27 pm
—

Quote:

“And, yes, I fled that tiny voice that even then was whispering to me. Was He mad? Turn to Him after all he had done to me and mine? I told Him what He could do with His so-called love.
.....

“But I had to learn the long, hard way what you seemed to assimilate with the loss of your mother – that in the end there is no escape – from pain or from Him.”

Poor MA, she certainly ran far for a long time, trying to escape from the pain of her losses, didn't she? These two quotations just sum it all up.

Quote:

“How calmly you wait, child. You are so easy to talk to. You walk through things with others, touch them where they are, accept what they tell you and never flinch.”

No wonder MA finds Hilda such a wonderful confidant that she can share all her deepest pain with her - here at last she has found the one person who will listen without passing judgment until she has poured everything out. And the more we learn of what she herself went through, the more we understand why both are finding their relationship so rewarding and fulfilling.

Thank you, Mary

#112: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 3:56 am
—
Hilda's strengths as a listener are so evident here - the clarity of mind, the lack of condemnatory judgement, the willingness to allow the speaker to find their own way - and above all the love and acceptance of the speaker, even when they reveal the saddest and most despairing of actions and thoughts. She gives to MA what MA gave to her and the two can only gain from this.

And the Francis Thompson quote was so true, especially the reference to fleeing "down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind". And MA sees herself so very clearly, doesn't she?

Thank you Mary, that was so very sad, and so very compelling.

#113: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 11:19 am
—
Oh Mary love - and so we see what brings such wisdom unto people, how love comes out of utter dispair, and how fragile humanity is when they have such big things to fight.

One thing that comes through again and again is how hardship enables you to become stronger and to help others through their difficulties - and that is something we all need reminded of more than once.

Thank you Mary.

#114: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:53 pm
—
I don't blame her in the slightest for her reaction, it is a very human thing to do - as is blaming the one supposed to be responsible for everyone and everything - the refrain is heard everywhere - if there were a loving god why does he allow this? I know it was the question my parents asked when my sister died. I've yet to hear a reply that can justify that.

Thank you Mary, you captured MA's emotions and feelings so well. You also captured the love she felt for her husband and child - she wouldn't go that bit further with other men, her love was too deep. And it is so good that Hilda is there and able to empathise and to listen - I'd imagine MA finds that very comforting.

#115: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 10:03 pm
—

Lesley wrote:

the refrain is heard everywhere - if there were a loving god why does he allow this? I know it was the question my parents asked when my sister died. I've yet to hear a reply that can justify that.

Oh, Lesley, I ache for your parents, and for you, over the loss of your sister. As you say, it is an age-old question - one that even theologians find impossible to answer to our satisfaction.

I'm sure I'm going to get shot down in flames here, but surely it isn't God who allows such things, but just life itself. Do I accuse a loving God of allowing my daughter to suffer the physical pain she has endured from being very tiny? Or is that just the way it is? Can I expect Him to step in and change what Nature has ordained? Do I blame for allowing natural disasters such as the tsunami? Do I accuse Him of causing the gaping holes in people's hearts when they lose someone they love? I believe that He loves us, so somehow I have to make sense of it all for myself, and it's very hard sometimes. Maybe He finds it hard, as well.

Do I blame Him for the Holocaust, for atrocities committed all over the world, for murders? Hasn't man something to answer for here, isn't it man's hatred for his fellow man that is to blame? Or do we demand that God take away our free will, so that such things never happen?

I have no answers, only more questions. Maybe we will never know why such things happen, why we suffer as we do. It seems to be *the human condition.* Maybe the only thing we can do is love others to the best of our ability, help them through the bad times, celebrate the good times with them, and, if we do believe, ask God to *make something beautiful out of the ruins.*

#116: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 12:12 am
—
Poor MA, with all her feistiness and all her despair, trying so hard to escape the pain of life which Hilda has had the wisdom to see cannot be avoided and must be accepted, and accepted without bitterness, if we are not to destroy ourselves. I am glad that her love for Stephen and the baby stopped her from behaving in a way which would have betrayed herself at a very deep level.

Part of the problem in being able to bear some of the awful things that happen in life is the way they're trivialised by well-meaning, shallow-brained people;

Quote:

all those well-meaning do-gooders who said time would heal, all those hateful people who told me I would marry again, that I would forget Stephen.

That is so insensitive. Just as unhelpful, I feel, is the theology that God has at least allowed, if not actually caused, it all. I really, really don't want to offend anyone, or rubbish anyone else's beliefs, but the thought that God has allowed this suffering 'for my good' is, to me at least, less than helpful. As you said, Mary, these things are a tragic and inevitable part of being alive, caused by our bodies going wrong, or accidents or evil or damaged human beings, surely, surely not by God. For believers, isn't God the one who suffers with us in it all, who became human and suffered himself so can truly understand? I suspect that, whatever is 'true', our problems with suffering are caused by our faulty theology, not by the nature of God.

#117: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 6:39 am
—
Poor MA !
The instinct is to run away, to hide, to obliterate the awful pain of loss and suffering, but sooner or later, you have to stop running away and turn to face it. She tried, but she couldn`t run for ever.....
Beautifully and poignantly written Crying or Very sad

Looking forward to reading more in due course, Mary !

#118: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 9:25 pm
—
“Did they ever catch the man?” asked Hilda gently, massaging the cold hands she was holding as she listened to this poignant tale.

Another heartfelt sigh echoed round the room. “Oh, yes, my dear, but I refused to come home to identify him.” She heard Hilda catch her breath. “I couldn’t. I wanted to know why he had done it, yes, but I would have torn him limb from limb if they had let me anywhere near him. I had very little control over myself in those days - indeed, was a stranger to myself. I didn't recognise what I had become.”

She shook her head sadly at that person, but then added quietly, “And to see him – well, it would have forced me to confront it all again. There was no proof it was him, and as I was the only one who could have identified him, they had to let him go. ”

She stared into the fire, gnawing her lip, and Hilda wondered what was coming next. When she spoke again her voice was wistful. “I did find out a couple of years later – and almost wished I hadn’t. It wasn’t a pretty tale.”

“How did you find out?” asked Hilda blankly.

“He wrote to me,” was the unexpected reply. Mother Abbess smiled rather grimly at Hilda’s look of blank astonishment. “Stranger things have happened, love. You just never know what’s round the corner. I’ll show you the letter some time. It took a long time to reach me. He addressed it to our house in Edinburgh, which I had closed down but never sold. Ian used to visit it from time to time to make sure it was okay and anything he thought necessary he sent over. So it came among a bundle of others.” She stopped and added in a whisper, “I’m not proud of what I did that night.”

“Whatever it was, I’ll listen,” promised Hilda softly.

“For the first time ever, Stephen lost his hold on me and I very nearly ended up in bed with someone,” said Mother Abbess sadly, so sadly that Hilda tightened her hold on the nun’s hands. “I think I was so out of my mind with rage, despair, pain, grief, that I had to do something, anything, to escape from it all. I got completely drunk, ended up on the boat of a very attractive man, one much sought after by other women. I was so desperate I gave him the idea that his attentions were welcome, but I came to my senses before I got too carried away - and then had to fight him off because he wouldn't take “No” for an answer. Why should he? I had encouraged him. I had to jump into the sea to escape. An edifying story, isn't it?" she finished bitterly.

She closed her eyes wearily and Hilda reached up to touch her face gently. "You will never know, love, how easy it would have been to end it all then - to just let myself float away. But somehow Stephen and Ian and my father - they all seemed to be there, giving me a shove in the right direction, holding me up when I got too tired to swim any more....”

There was a long silence as she gathered her scattered thoughts and brought them back to the letter. Hilda herself was longing to offer comfort but made herself keep still until the nun spoke again, her voice steady but strained.

“On with the story. Stephen’s father was a hard man. And he drove his tenants hard. Stephen didn’t get on with him at all, hated all he stood for. So instead of learning all about the estate, he left when he was eighteen, told his father he couldn’t live with him anymore and went to university to study law. He had his mother’s money – she had died when he was seventeen. We never went to see his father, never visited the estate – so I didn’t know any of the people who lived or worked there.”

Hilda gasped. “You’re not saying it was one of them!”

#119: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 10:41 pm
—
Oh how terrible - that Stephen and their child should be killed out of some thoughts of revenge on the father? No wonder MA felt like ending it all.

Thanks Mary.

Last edited by Lesley on Sun Jun 18, 2006 8:19 am; edited 1 time in total

#120: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 1:35 am
—
Oh how sad, and painful. Poor MA, completely destabilised by this letter and briefly losing whatever grip on herself that she is retaining. But even in that moment, she could still fight her way free, and connect with that little spark of something within herself that wouldn't let her drown. And has she ever shared all this with anyone at all, or is Hilda the first to hear? And being Hilda, she listens with love and compassion - and clarity.

And how terrible if these murders occurred out of desperation and grief.....

Thank you Mary.

#121: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 2:36 am
—
Poor M.A.!
But I still think it's better to know -- and rather hope it was someone with an understandable grudge. Easier to forgive, and less likely to kill again.

#122: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 8:22 am
—
Mary
This is amazing, powerful, and completely riveting!!!
Thank you

#123: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 2:40 pm
—
Very chilling Mary, thank you.

Kathryn

#124: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 4:22 pm
—
Oh Mary - this must be heartbreaking to write. I guess it's impossible for a person to become so wise without having had to struggle, but oh, what a nasty one to have to face. How well MA has come through it - I am sure that others in a similar position would have given up hope, and become bitter.

Thank you Mary.

#125: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 9:51 am
—
Mary,
this is just truly amazing writing.
Heartbreakingly sad, utterly believable and completely , absorbingly riveting reading.

I take my hat off to you.

Poor, poor MA !
Her story becomes more harrowing in each update. It must be so hard for you to write !

#126: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 2:11 pm
—
What a tale - I agree completely with everyone who has already commented on the enormity of MA's experience. It says so much for her that in the end, she was able to re-build her life so well that so few people around her have actually known any part of what happened - I think Hilda is, indeed, the first recipient of her full confidence, is she not?

This whole section is a riveting example of how someone can triumph over such adversity, as Hilda, too, has done - but it's so striking that MA had to struggle so hard to learn some of the lessons of faith which Hilda seemed to know instinctively and which in the end, sustained her, even in the depth of her despair over Nell's death. It's also very touching that MA realised this, and accepted so readily that Hilda had something to teach her, as well as vice versa.

Thank you, Mary

#127: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 10:07 pm
—

Identity Hunt wrote:

Heartbreakingly sad, utterly believable and completely , absorbingly riveting reading.

Sian, thank you so much for those amazing words, though I fear you are truly over-stating the case. Shocked

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement and for your pity for MA. Crying or Very sad

And yes, Kathy, I agree. Much better to know.

.....Hilda gasped. “You’re not saying it was one of them!”

Mother Abbess nodded. “He was the head gardener – indeed had been there since the end of the First World War. He was just twenty and a corporal when it ended – perhaps that explains the ease with which he could shoot to kill. He had a great deal of trouble finding a job when he returned to Scotland. Stephen’s father took him on and he transformed the gardens, apparently. He got married after a few years to one of the maids and they lived in one of the small cottages on the estate. But as I said, Stephen’s father was hard, very hard. And he had little loyalty to his staff – one mistake and you were out.”

“What happened?” asked Hilda fearfully.

Mother Abbess sighed. “It seems there was an altercation with one of the under-gardeners – a fight, not to put too fine a point on it. In one of the greenhouses. Robbie, the man who wrote to me, doesn’t excuse himself so we’ll never know who started it. But the finish was that the greenhouse was wrecked, the plants in there ruined – it must have been some fight. Stephen’s father sacked them both without demanding any explanation.”

“And Robbie was looking for revenge?” whispered Hilda disbelievingly.

“Not at that point, no,” said Mother Abbess, shaking her head. “But this was late on in 1930, and the Depression was having a devastating effect on the economy. Times were very hard, even in Edinburgh, where he and his wife ended up. Jobs were few and far between, and as he had no references..... They lived in one room in a backstreet somewhere, and with no money they didn’t eat. Then his wife became pregnant.” She paused and then whispered, “It doesn’t bear thinking about. There were Stephen and I living in the lap of luxury, while this poor man and his wife….”

She broke off and stared unseeingly into the fire. “Life is so unfair, Hilda. And to say that God ordains it so is to misrepresent who and what He is and does.” She laughed harshly. “Life is all too often the way it is because too few people care to make it any better. What did I, for example, with all my money, do for anyone? Nothing! Not then anyway!”

There was nothing Hilda could say. She had heard it all before, too many times. She remembered how good her mother had been to the poor and needy in their parish – good she had done secretly, sometimes with the help of her young daughter. But good that had been a mere drop in the ocean, when there was no Health Service and no Welfare State, and a war being fought.

Mother Abbess took up her tale with a note of weariness. “His wife was ill and needed medicines and food. So you can see where I’m heading, can’t you?” Hilda nodded sadly. “Aye, he turned to thieving. He broke into a shop – and of course, being unused to doing such a thing, he got caught. He got off fairly lightly, as it was a first offence, but while he was in prison his wife died, along with their baby. And he spent the rest of his prison sentence plotting, with only one thought in his head.”

“Vengeance!” whispered Hilda. As Mother Abbess had said, it was not a pretty tale, and yet there were no real villains, unless you could call Stephen’s father such a thing.

“In that prison, he said, he wept for days, and then decided that just as his employer had been the cause of all his grief, so he would cause his employer grief. And the best way to do that was to take away what the man cared for most, just as Robbie’s wife and child had been taken away. Being in prison gave him plenty of contacts to get a gun – and he soon found out where Stephen and I lived. He was released two days before Christmas – and decided Christmas Day was to be the day.”

Her throat tightened as she remembered the moment she had opened that letter and what it had done to her. Even now, after thirty years, she could remember her emotions that day. How her grief had returned in full measure and left her reeling. Unconsciously, she gripped Hilda’s hands hard.

“Do you want to stop?” whispered Hilda anxiously. Her friend’s face was very pale, the freckles standing out sharply.

“No, child, let me spill it all out,” she answered, her voice hard and strained as she fought to control her emotions. “He found a small window left open in the kitchen and waited in the Study for Stephen. He said he had had no hesitation in pulling the trigger, that his hatred consumed him. Then he shot me…”

She stopped, her eyes wide and glassy as she stared ahead. Hilda spoke quietly. “And he suddenly thought about that baby of his that was never given a chance of life – and realised he had just done the same to yours.”

Mother Abbess shuddered. She looked down at Hilda, who saw that the blank stare had gone from the green eyes, to be replaced by sharp shards of pain. Hilda’s own heart was full of anguish for all this wonderful woman had gone through – and was still going through. For one never got over it, one just learned to live with it, to make a life in spite of it. But the memories were still lurking there, ready to pounce.

“When I read that, Hilda, barely two years after I lost Stephen, I cried out that he should have finished the job! That I was in a hell of his making and he dared to think I could forgive him.” Hilda was staggered at the bravery of Mother Abbess in revealing herself so openly. But she knew she would have found the courage to do the same to this friend and mother.

“I read as far as that and could take no more.” The nun was determined to tell it all and somehow, looking into Hilda’s steady, loving eyes, she managed to continue. “I was ready to burn it, but something stopped me and so I hid it from sight and went out and got drunk – with the result that you know. Not a good day!” she sighed unhappily.

#128: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 10:34 pm
—

Quote:

For one never got over it, one just learned to live with it, to make a life in spite of it. But the memories were still lurking there, ready to pounce.

Isn't this indeed the nub of the matter for both Hilda and MA? - however much they may each learn to live with those dreadful memories on a day to day basis, and to go on in spite of them, they remain there in the background, ready to surface at any moment.

And though Nell's death was basically accidental and Stephen and his baby were killed to avenge the deaths of others, Hilda and MA really do share a common loss, that of the person who meant everything in life to each of them.

Even MA's retelling of the contents of that letter sends shivers down my spine. No wonder she reacted as she did.

And yet, how great a compliment it is to Hilda, and such a tribute to the strength of caring and affection between them, that, after all this time, MA has finally found someone to whom she can tell the entire story. Surely this will at last bring her real peace of mind, too.

Yet another entirely riveting episode, Mary - you had me on the edge of my seat.

#129: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 10:57 pm
—
Thank you Mary - as MA says, there are no real villains here, only victims. Even Stephen's father can't be held a villain - how many others would have done the same without a thought to the consequences. What we see is just how far grief can make us act contrary to our normal behaviour, make us consider and do things not even thought possible before experiencing that grief.

I don't blame MA for not being able to forgive immediately - the wound was still too raw - but what a testament to the trust she has in Hilda that she can tell her story.

#130: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 11:53 pm
—
Thank you Mary, a tragic story, powerfully told.

Kathryn

#131: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 12:25 am
—
It's also about people not seeing others as human beings isn't it - Stephen's father not caring what effect his harshness is going to have on the lives of the men he sacked, the 'rich' not caring much what happened to the 'poor', Robbie wreaking vengeance on innocents who have never harmed him, and no-one understanding anything about the lives of anyone else.

Such a contrast with the deep understanding of others that both MA and Hilda have gained.

I do admire the dignity and restraint with which MA has told this truly harrowing story, Mary.

#132: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 4:22 am
—
This was so very moving and such an indictment of what can happen when people don't care about one another or about the consequences of their actions.
MA is right; life is unfair. And she's also right in that to say that this is how God wants or decrees it is wrong - but actions - and omissions - do have results. Even when there are no villains or an intent to act wrongly....

And no wonder MA fell apart like that, but what a comment on her relationship with Hilda that she can tell her all this, and know (because otherwise she would never have entrusted herself to Hilda like this) that Hilda will receive all that she gives her with love and compassion.

And what a true recognition, to see that

Quote:

one never got over it, one just learned to live with it, to make a life in spite of it.

Thank you Mary.

#133: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:10 am
—
Oh.my.goodness. Strong stuff, here!
Both the emotions behind the murder -- and the sharing between M.A. and Hilda.

*suspects there's more to come*

Thank you, Mary.

#134: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 4:43 pm
—
Oh Help! "When I walk through the valley of the shaddow of death" indeed. Poor MA - what a lot to go through. I honestly can't imagine what it must have been like for her.

Yet something comes to rescue her from that, and having had such a difficult time, she must soon reach the hand which pulls her gently out of the pit, into the light of love.

Thank you Mary.

#135: Author: Róisín,

Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 4:53 pm
—
Thank you Mary, that was so moving.

#136: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:34 am
—
Oh dear, I can see why MA chose not to go through the ordeal of identifying the perpetrator, but at the end of the day, he deliberately killed two people and seriously injured MA .

He could easily have done so again, the next time someone or something happened to upset him greatly Shocked

#137: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 9:49 pm
—
That is a very hard situation and so difficult for MA, 2 years is nothing.

#138: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 4:42 pm
—
Thank you so much for your comments, and I'm sorry you have had to wait so long. Blame new granddaughters and ISPs. Laughing

“So when did you learn the rest – for I assume there is more?” asked Hilda gently.

“Ian came out to see me about six months later, and I gave it to him and asked him to read it for me. He was shocked at the idea of Robbie writing to me, but once he had thought about it all, he forced me to listen to the rest. He might be gentle, my Ian, but he has his own way of taking care of those he loves.” Hilda smiled up at her. These last few weeks, since the accident, she had found much solace with Ian. In his quiet, unassuming way he had tried to help her renewed grief, was probably the one who had soothed her the most when his sister had been unavailable.

Mother Abbess saw the smile and raised a hand to caress Hilda’s cheek “You care for Ian almost as much as I do, don’t you, child?” she whispered, then took a deep breath. “Apparently, when Robbie was arrested, there was no one more surprised than he to find himself being set free. He had resigned himself to being hanged.” She shuddered again and Hilda herself felt the same frisson. “I think, at that time, in his own way he wanted death as much as I did.”

“But he didn’t find it at your hands,” Hilda said softly and Mother Abbess shook her head. “Did he say anything else?”

“Very little, actually, and I never heard from him again. He said that he had found a job – he didn’t say how - and that he was learning to cope with his grief and his bitterness – and with what he had done.” She added sombrely, “He didn’t say he was sorry – and probably wasn’t! - just that he had written because he thought I had a right to know why it all happened. I couldn’t forgive him at that time, despite the letter and despite all Ian said to me. I just wished I had had the courage to return and identify him when he was arrested. I was so bitter.”

Her strong face grew very gentle as she added with quiet conviction, “Now, in my saner years, I think it was better to have left him to the tender mercy of God, who can see into people’s hearts much better than we can. After all, Robbie had suffered as much as I had. I like to think taking my baby’s life changed him in some way – that she and Stephen didn’t die completely in vain.”

Silence fell and they let it linger, both thinking of a hurting woman and a longed-for baby who never saw life, of two men on a collision course that would take the life of one of them.

Leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on Mother Abbess’s cheek, Hilda rose to her feet and went over to the desk. She poured out a glass of water from the pitcher there and brought it over, kneeling once more in front of the nun. The latter smiled and drank deeply while Hilda turned and placed a fresh log on the fire, poking the embers to help it catch light. She turned back and took the glass, setting it down beside the crib figures.

She looked up into her friend’s face, noticing the heavy eyes. “Do you want to stop?” she asked anxiously. “This is draining you, and you have a long day ahead of you. It’s still only Christmas morning, after all.”

“No, child, it’s been hidden away long enough. I think it’s been waiting there for you all these years to release the poison. Apart from the Lord, you’re the first to whom I have dared to admit just what I had become. Even my Abbess never learned it all – and as I said, I was scared to admit some of it to Pauline. But you - I don’t think I could hide anything from you now. In a way you have become not just my daughter, but my anam cara.”

Her eyes were very soft as she gazed down on Hilda. “Not that nuns are supposed to have such a thing! But I realise now that God knows what He is doing – that my heart needed breaking wide open and that could only happen with a loving and generous spirit such as yours, sweetheart.”

Hilda stroked the nun’s cheek again comfortingly and then took the cold hands in her firm grasp again, waiting. If there was one thing Hilda Annersley was good at, it was her patient, attentive listening, ears and heart attuned to all that was spoken and to all that was left unspoken. Mother Abbess thanked God for that and for her friend’s quiet gentleness.

#139: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 4:53 pm
—
Thank you Mary, I'm glad that telling her story to Hilda seems to have helped MA.

#140: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:48 pm
—

Quote:

“Now, in my saner years, I think it was better to have left him to the tender mercy of God, who can see into people’s hearts much better than we can. After all, Robbie had suffered as much as I had. I like to think taking my baby’s life changed him in some way – that she and Stephen didn’t die completely in vain.”

And with the passage of time, this is probably MA's best rationale for coping with the horrors of what happened - that, by refusing to identify Robbie, she did not exact the revenge one part of her must have wanted to have.

And it speaks so much for the relationship between Hilda and herself, that only to Hilda has she been able to confess the full story of what happened. And that Hilda, simply by listening in her typical fashion, has brought comfort and solace to MA. Perhaps now MA will really start to heal fully.

Thanks, Mary.

#141: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 10:25 pm
—
Agree with Elder - MA's never been able to fully confess all before - Hilda's got to be something special.

Thanks Mary.

#142: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 11:33 pm
—
Such a clear realisation of how special Hilda is, and how much the quality of her listening compassion can bring to people. It's rather marvellous that MA is finally able to reveal all this 'poison' out to another person and is utterly secure in so doing. And she's absolutely right to say,

Quote:

In a way you have become not just my daughter, but my anam cara.

And Hilda may well find the same . . . they each need that person to whom one is fully known and able to reveal everything.

Lovely, Mary, thank you.

#143: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:05 am
—
Rather typical of MA to accept the gift of Hilda as her 'anam cara' although she 'shouldn't' ! Good for her.

I'm sorry that Robbie doesn't seem to have felt remorse, just a need to explain. He's lost his loved ones, too, granted, but has depriving MA of hers made that any better? He doesn't feel to me to have reached the end of his journey yet.

What a powerful description of Hilda's gift of empathy;

Quote:

If there was one thing Hilda Annersley was good at, it was her patient, attentive listening, ears and heart attuned to all that was spoken and to all that was left unspoken.

Oh for a friend like that!

Thank you, Mary.

#144: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:19 am
—
I wish I could articulate my feelings so I could write them here, but I simply can`t.

This story has touched me deeply, beyond anything words could ever express, so I must simply say "Thank you", Mary..........more please !

#145: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 9:31 pm
—
........ If there was one thing Hilda Annersley was good at, it was her patient, attentive listening, ears and heart attuned to all that was spoken and to all that was left unspoken. Mother Abbess thanked God for that and for her friend’s quiet gentleness.

“You said you spent years trying to escape it all – how many years?” asked Hilda, taking the story away from the murder and back to Mother Abbess’s life after it.

“Too long!” groaned Mother Abbess. “Four long years of mindless madness. All to escape what could not be escaped. Stephen and my daughter began to haunt my nights – but that just drove me to further excesses. And then the troubles started in Spain.”

Hilda saw that the green eyes were distant now, as if she were looking down the long vista of those years. Her voice was low and rather hesitant again. “A lot of my friends suddenly found a cause, something finally to believe in, and off they went with their youth and idealism – too many of them died in the chaos that followed. In a way it was my first wake-up call. I even toyed with the idea of going myself, but it all seemed like too much trouble, so in the end I ignored it, like I ignored so much else. What did it have to do with me anyway? So I tried to bury that, along with my dead, and continued my games with increasing abandon.”

Her eyes returned to Hilda, the green almost blinding. “But that moment’s pause allowed the Lord to come nearer, too near. He was becoming as insistent as Ian. I could hear Him! But I tried to block Him out.”

Still with unhurrying chase
And unperturbed
Came on the following feet.
And a voice above their beat –
‘Naught shelters thee who wilt not shelter Me.’

“And indeed I could find no rest, no peace anywhere – though I tried so hard for another three years. Seven wasted years! Dear God, why didn’t I see the years passing?”

Her voice dropped to a whisper. “What did I think I was achieving? What will Stephen say to me when I finally see him again? What gave me the right to feel my tragedy was worse than any other? There was so much needed doing in those years all round the world – and I abdicated my responsibilities. How much I still have to make up to God and to my fellow man for all that I didn’t, wouldn’t, do!”

As the anguished words disturbed the peace of the room, Hilda gave silent thanks for the way He had kept a firm grasp on herself, never letting her go too far away. Mother Abbess could only be full of awe at Hilda’s courage, at her constancy in the face of so much tragedy. Hilda had never turned her back on life or on God for more than a moment, never allowed herself to attach blame to Him for long. She had trusted, much as Job had.

“I should have had your shining courage and faith, daughter,” she whispered, her green eyes impossibly sad. “You will never have to account for all the wasted years, the missed opportunities. How He must glory in you! And how much I still need to learn from you! No wonder He sent you here.”

Tears brimmed again in Hilda’s eyes and one or two slowly trickled over and slid down her cheeks. “There is no courage attached to me at all. You and He did it all,” she whispered with trembling lips.

“Not so, child. I wasn’t there when your mother died, when James died. You shouldered the pain, you grew - in ways that I will never grow,” replied Mother Abbess, leaning forward and rubbing the tears away gently with her thumbs. “You are truly beyond me in every way. I only pointed the road you should take, after Nell’s death – you were the one who had to follow it. And follow it you did, stooping on the way to lift up those, like Ellie and Ian, who also needed a helping hand.”

She stopped to wipe away a few more errant tears. “And if those tears are for me, sweetheart, then think again. I learned my lesson - eventually. Save your pity for all the other lost souls out there – for they are legion.”

#146: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 10:46 pm
—

Quote:

If there was one thing Hilda Annersley was good at, it was her patient, attentive listening, ears and heart attuned to all that was spoken and to all that was left unspoken.

And this of course is one reason why MA is prepared to bare her very soul to her listener, isn't it? She knows that she will be heard to the end without a shred of criticism, only understanding of her struggle.

Quote:

Mother Abbess could only be full of awe at Hilda’s courage, at her constancy in the face of so much tragedy. Hilda had never turned her back on life or on God for more than a moment, never allowed herself to attach blame to Him for long. She had trusted, much as Job had.

That really is so very true - even in the depths of her initial despair at Nell's death, Hilda never really lost her belief in God, even though she felt herself unable to pray or to lead the school at prayers in those first days.

Quote:

..." And how much I still need to learn from you! No wonder He sent you here.”

MA has certainly been very swift to understand why, at least from her point of view, Hilda has been sent to her - another thing which makes the bond between them so much stronger.

Quote:

“You are truly beyond me in every way. I only pointed the road you should take, after Nell’s death – you were the one who had to follow it. And follow it you did, stooping on the way to lift up those, like Ellie and Ian, who also needed a helping hand.”

Methinks MA somewhat underestimates just how much she has helped Hilda on her road through her grieving - but that would be typical of her, wouldn't it? She only sees herself as the 'guide' along this path.

The more I see of the interaction between the two, the more I know with confidence that the stage is being set for so much to develop, both between them and in the life of both the convent and the people they care for, once Hilda joins the convent in 18 months' time. Already, MA is unafraid to open her heart to Hilda, knowing that she would understand the depth of despair which drove her actions for those 7 'wasted' years.

A deeply moving section in so many ways. Thanks, Mary

#147: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:05 pm
—
Thank you Mary, a very moving piece.

#148: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:20 pm
—
Thank you Mary, that was very moving

#149: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 4:45 am
—
They are becoming so aware of one another aren't they? And Hilda can comprehend the depths of MA's pain, even while she listens so marvellously to both the spoken and the unsaid.

And how aware of herself MA is, and how unsparing of her own actions in seeking to evade God during those years - but she does, I think, underestimate what she provided to Hilda and how much her strength and support have given her. Yes, Hilda's courage and constancy have given her much, but MA provided her with a loving support that upheld her at times when she might have been overwhelmed.

Thank you Mary, this was very moving.

#150: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 1:08 am
—
Wonderful to see this back

Thank you Mary

#151: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 4:27 am
—
Thank you Mary.
That was lovely.

#152: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 1:35 pm
—
Oh mary, how can I respond to this. I hardly have the words to express the different range of emotions you have melded into this section of the story. I'm simply so glad that these two strong women have met each other, and can help each other through the difficulties - however far removed those times might be.

Thank you Mary.

#153: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:20 am
—
Can't think of any response to so much suffering and generosity. Well matched, those two.

#154: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue Jul 11, 2006 9:10 pm
—
.......Save your pity for all the other lost souls out there – for they are legion.”

“Hitler overran France? That was your real wake up call?” breathed Hilda intuitively, her tears continuing to fall.

Mother Abbess nodded. “I took a good hard look at myself. I was about to turn forty, and what did I have to show for it – except an ever-present heartache and a soiled spirit. Truly Francis Thompson knew what he was talking about, must have been in some Hell of his own, because his words suited me so well:

I slept, methinks, and woke.
I shook the pillaring hours
And pulled my life upon me; grimed with smears,
I stand amid the dust of the mounded years –
My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.
My days have crackled and gone up in smoke….

“I was indeed ‘grimed’ and had wasted all my youth till it was ‘mangled’. nothing left. I had filled my days with bitterness and despair and then thrown them on the bonfire, instead of seeking to give them to others, as you are doing so faithfully, sweetheart. Suddenly I hated what I had become – what would my beloved Stephen have thought of me? I still took no thought of God – He was like the deadliest poison to me.”

She released a hand from Hilda’s and leaned forward to pick up the bambino from the table. She let him rock gently in her palm as she continued softly, “Where to go? What to do? I begged Stephen to forgive me and help me. I got out of France – no choice there, once the Germans arrived. But I couldn’t face going back to Edinburgh, even after all those years, so I turned up on Ian’s doorstep in London with nothing but the clothes on my back. However, Ian had a shock for me.”

Suddenly her hand clenched on the carving, not feeling the sharp edges digging into her skin. Hilda’s hand moved to cover it gently. The nun’s voice became harsh and one sensed the self-loathing. “He had volunteered as a Chaplain to the Army and was leaving in just forty-eight hours. I laughed in his face, Hilda. How cruel I was! I told him God was making a fool of him.”

She closed her eyes and Hilda squeezed the hand she was holding, silently supporting her as her friend whispered, “And my twin brother, my gentle, sensitive Ian who should never have volunteered, took me in his arms and quietened me. For the first time since I had left the hospital seven years earlier, I wept. Ian held me all night as I wept ceaselessly. It was like I had a bottomless ocean inside me. Ian wept with me, for he too had loved Stephen.”

Silence fell – a long, fragile silence one could have reached out and touched. Her legs cramped and stiff, Hilda still sat at her friend’s feet, searching for some steely self-control to help her stay calm in the face of so much pain. No wonder this woman knew the anguish and tears stored inside others, knew how to keep them at bay with her strong arms and compassionate spirit.

All at once Mother Abbess opened her eyes and looked down to search Hilda’s gentle, sorrowful face, the tear tracks all too evident. “Still no contempt?” she asked softly.

“Only love, Mother, such love. You are truly amazing,” whispered Hilda.

“And yet, child, in those same seven years, those seven wasted years of mine, think of all you achieved – yet you hid such sorrow in your heart for your own lost love.”

“I didn’t have your passionate nature,” said Hilda quietly. “I was too self-controlled, too determined to cope. And it cost me in the end – look at how I fell apart this year.”

Mother Abbess’s lined face was beautiful with her love for this new daughter of hers as she cupped Hilda’s face and smiled down at her. “You did not fall apart, sweetheart. You grieved – for Nell, for James, for your mother. There is a vast difference, believe me. You held down your job – there were only ever two days when you couldn’t face the world. And who could blame you? Grief is not made better in six months. Look at me, if you need proof of that. And yet you have given to so many during these past lonely months. Something I could not find it in my heart to do in seven long years.”

She paused and then said with feeling, “And if you will go around saving people’s lives by putting your own life on the line, then you must be prepared to pay the price afterwards – which you were. Don’t ever underestimate yourself or your actions, Hilda Annersley,” she added admonishingly. “Or you will have not only myself, but Nell Wilson, after you.”

Hilda smiled – she could handle that! She renewed her grasp on the nun’s hand and waited for the next instalment.....

#155: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Jul 11, 2006 9:25 pm
—

Quote:

No wonder this woman knew the anguish and tears stored inside others, knew how to keep them at bay with her strong arms and compassionate spirit.

BUt this is so true for both of them, isn't it? Both have endured enormous losses, both known great grief, and both are so possessed of that gift to understand others. Yet another of those links forging the two of them together.

Quote:

Grief is not made better in six months. Look at me, if you need proof of that. And yet you have given to so many during these past lonely months. Something I could not find it in my heart to do in seven long years.”

By those simple words, MA must surely help Hilda understand that she has to give herself the time to recover from her grief - yet she still has it within her to help others. It's not quite the right words, but what a 'vindication' for Hilda that her grief is justified, not out of control.

Quote:

Don’t ever underestimate yourself or your actions, Hilda Annersley,” she added admonishingly. “Or you will have not only myself, but Nell Wilson, after you.”

ANd a lovely humorous touch to end with.

As always, Mary, you have us running the gamut of emotions in this piece, but it is so wonderful just to see how these two relate to each other - how, indeed, something good *can* come out of such tragedy.

Thank you.

#156: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Jul 11, 2006 10:23 pm
—
Hilda needed to hear that last bit - she takes self sacrifice too far.

A lovely piece, Mary, thank you.

#157: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Tue Jul 11, 2006 11:07 pm
—
Thank you Mary

#158: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 4:12 am
—
This is so poignant, Mary, and is so thought-provoking. MA has such a keen awareness of her own self, and she knows she can't make up those years, but at the same time they do constitute a part of her journey don't they? And perhaps she had to reach the depths of bitter anger by turning on Ian to be able to weep.

And Hilda is right - her own response to grief and loss cost her dearly too. They both know that grief does not pass in a week or a month or a year; it becomes a part of life and has to be accommodated. And the love between them is developing in the light of the new understanding that they have of one another.

And the quip at the end was delightful!

#159: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 8:17 am
—
Mary love - I did see this last night, but when I came to look at it I realised that I didn't have the energy to take in what you had down. So, it has had to wait for today.

And the first thing I have to say is that you really know how to expose deep emotion. I don't know how you do it, but each time I see again just how much pain either MA or Hilda have had to go through in their life - or Ellie on those occasions. Thank you for this reminder that people do have difficult times, which don't have easy endings.

Thank you also, for this portrait of Hilda comforting MA, as MA comforted Hilda before. For that truely is what friendship is about. And no matter how loving your other friends might be, it is only someone who has been through something similar to you who is able to understand what it is like - whether that would be years in hospital because of XYZ, or being so hurt because of circumstances.

Thank you Mary - so touching.

#160: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:22 am
—
Mary, what a delight to find an update Smile

MA`s reactions are so different from Hilda`s, yet they are both such believable characters and courses of action, aren`t they ?

How did Mother cope when Ian left so soon after she got to London?

#161: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 2:43 am
—
Especially liked the last bit. Smile

They are both so hard on themselves.... needing to hear what each is telling the other, really.

#162: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 1:40 pm
—
Both so wise and gracious despite all that they have endured. 2 truly inspirational women.

Thank you, Mary

#163: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:50 pm
—

Identity Hunt wrote:

How did Mother cope when Ian left so soon after she got to London?

Read on, Sian! Wink

.....She renewed her grasp on the nun’s hand and waited for the next instalment. The latter saw she was being gently coaxed into revealing more and her eyes grew sad again. She looked beyond Hilda into the fire. “Unfortunately my years of wastefulness were not over, despite Ian’s help. I might have returned to myself – but I did not turn back to God. He was still the enemy. Even more so now, for look what He was doing in Europe…”

Hilda’s gasp was loud this time in the silence. “But you couldn’t…”

“Oh I could, my dear, and I did. I blamed God for it all. Was He not supposed to be all-powerful? Could He not have stopped it? As far as I was concerned, He had turned His back on the world He supposedly had made and supposedly loved.” Her lips twisted wryly. “And if He wasn’t going to do anything about it, why should I? Ian went off, leaving me all alone, but soldiers were always useful for giving a girl a good time, for helping her hide from her loneliness, and London was full of them. Then the bombing began – and suddenly something changed. I found a task worth doing. I became an ambulance driver.”

She paused there and grinned rather fiendishly. “In fact, I became the first female volunteer, and boy, did I have to fight long and hard to get accepted. I’ll have you know, my dear, females are fragile flowers and need protecting from the baser side of life. I soon put them straight!” she added, poker-faced, and Hilda giggled appreciatively. She could imagine the scene all too well, with Mother Abbess in full flow and not afraid to speak her mind. “In the end, they had no choice, as they were short of men who could physically do the job. I was strong and not afraid. What more did they need?”

She looked down and saw Hilda’s eyes glow with admiration. Was Hilda reflecting that her own war service seemed rather tame by comparison? The nun sincerely hoped not, for she had heard from others of Hilda’s fortitude and faithful leadership in those dark days.

She shook her head sadly. “No, love, it wasn’t bravery – not the quiet bravery shown by you as you led your girls, and your Staff, by your own example. It was the same heedless and reckless behaviour as before. I didn’t care if I lived or died – so the nights of bombing, the falling buildings and fierce fires, none of them held any terrors for me. If anything they were exciting and I laughed at all the dangers, told Him to do His worst. For He was still there, those feet still pounding the pavements as I dragged people out of burning buildings, still telling me I was His as I drove my ambulance round the holes in the roads and swerved to avoid the falling bombs.”

Her tale by now had Hilda so mesmerised that she said nothing when Mother Abbess paused, her face a mask of sheer disbelief and sorrow at her blindness and foolishness. Her voice grew quiet. “Then, one night, I dragged a young child from a pile of rubble, tried desperately to stop her bleeding to death – and I failed miserably. I held her little dead body in my arms and I screamed out to God, asking Him what the Hell He thought He was doing. Quick as a flash I heard His voice reply: ‘I’m trying to get you the Hell out of Hell, that’s what I’m doing.’”

In the pregnant pause that followed, Hilda felt her breath catch in her throat and her mouth fall open. Mother Abbess looked down and nodded. “I kid you not, daughter. I thought I had gone mad. Believe me, this was no quiet, gentle voice. This was a bully of a sergeant-major swearing loudly at his troops.”

“And you…?” gasped Hilda, her eyes riveted on Mother Abbess’s face. What a woman! No wonder she was so challenging and bracing!

#164: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 9:13 pm
—
Given her state of mind even 7 years after Stephen's death, I can understand why MA 'embraced' the horrors of the War, even blaming God for them, and why she plunged into her tasks with such lack of care for what happened to her. After all, she was still at the point where death would have been a release, and a chance to join Stephen.

But how quick she was, too, to recognise Hilda's own 'war service' for just what it was and to commend her for it.

And then, the glimmer of change...

"And a little child shall lead them." For, while she questioned God's actions so frantically and the voice of God Himself was indeed a stern one here, literally trying to bring her back from Hell, as he Himself said, it was the death of this one small, innocent child in all the carnage which really was the catalyst, wasn't it? A child who might so easily have been her own, I think. I wonder if she herself wondered that, too.

I think we see the glimmering of hope here, Mary, even though as yet unspoken, that finally MA will be able to come to terms with things.

Thanks, Mary

#165: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:21 pm
—
Such strength Mary - I can hardly believe the power of the emotions coming towards me through the screen as I read down them. And how true is it that as we come to the depth of dispair, and there is that anger and calling out to God. Pity it took the death of a young child to achive it. The way MA was though, it couldn't be anything else.

Thank you Mary, for bringing such chilling vibrancy to this tale. I look forwards to seeing what will hopefully be the start of MA coming to know her Father God better.

#166: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:30 am
—
It's what I would have expected had I stopped to think about it - all that strength and anger channelled into a fierce opposition of what was happening coupled with a lack of care for herself that would have allowed bravery bordering on recklessness - and even that odd exhilaration that she refers to. Very different from Hilda's quiet steadiness - and of course MA knows that.

And how fascinating; God does not always come as the still quiet voice, but sometimes as a demanding presence. No wonder MA thought she was crazy....

Very compelling as ever, Mary, thank you.

#167: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 12:48 am
—
Yes, I suppose God spoke to MA in the way she could best respond to, and she couldn't have heard anything less than a shout with all the other clamour going on in her heart.

The sort of bravery that is totally careless of one's own safety because you are past caring, and have stopped feeling that your life has any importance is an irresistible weapon in wartime, I guess. It is certainly much more 'flashy' than the steady fulfilling of daily obligation which was Hilda's lot, but MA is, of course, wise enough to see that very clearly.

Her strength of will and passionate spirit have come over so powerfully in these sections.

Thank you, Mary.

#168: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:29 pm
—
Cath and Tara have taken the words straight out of my mouth and articulated my thoughts much more clearly than I could ever have done !

A wonderful update, Mary. More please !!

#169: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 10:36 pm
—
.....this was no quiet, gentle voice. This was a bully of a sergeant-major swearing loudly at his troops.”

“And you…?” gasped Hilda, her eyes riveted on Mother Abbess’s face. What a woman! No wonder she was so challenging and bracing!

Mother Abbess laughed, amusement rife in her face. “I’m sure it was Churchill who once said, ‘When you go through Hell, keep going.’ Presumably so you come out the other side more or less in one piece. Well, I didn’t need God to help me do that, did I? I could keep going all on my own, thank you very much, even if I was in Hell! So I told Him what he could do with His help and His swear words! I think I may have used a few swear words myself in the process. Oh no, I hadn’t done fighting Him. He wasn’t getting away with thinking He had won.”

“But He had!” stated Hilda with soft conviction.

“Yes, child, you are right, as always. I just couldn’t see it. I was talking to Him as an equal, sparring with Him – acknowledging Him. Which was all He had wanted. He was already the victor.”

Hilda said softly, almost absently, “Be Thou Thyself the answer to all my questionings.”

“Frances Havergal?” asked the nun and Hilda nodded. “A lovely old hymn – and yes, not only the victor but the answer….. Only I wasn’t yet ready to admit it. I buried that little body myself – and when doing so, I nearly broke down. I felt I was burying the daughter I had never had a chance to bury. I had pulled so many children, both dead and alive, from the wreckage, so why did this little one affect me so?

Her face was very sad, her eyes distant and Hilda waited quietly for her to return to the room. Mother Abbess shook herself and sighed. “The trouble was, in my arrogance and bitterness, I actually felt He had let that child die just to “get me the Hell out of Hell”. What a fool I was! War was the guilty party, not the Lord. He was just pointing out my utter blindness and folly, giving me a nudge in the right direction. It worked, too. I decided I needed to learn more, needed something extra to help me save these innocent ones from His anger, because to me He was still the enemy, still the perpetrator of all these disasters, and I couldn’t bear to bury any more little bodies. So I went off to St Thomas’s and trained as a nurse. At the ripe, old age of forty! No thought went into it, no worry about whether my idle brain was up to the task of studying. It was just more of that same recklessness and sheer bravado – and defiance.”

Amusement suddenly filled her eyes again as she added wryly, shaking her head, “I’m sure Stephen nearly fell off his fluffy pink cloud when he saw some of the tasks I had to do as a nurse. After all, apart from my ambulance driving, I had never done a day’s honest labour in my life. Some of the things I was expected to do turned my stomach – but I was determined as always. I would defeat Him if it killed me. And it very nearly did, at times - I am not altruistic by nature.”

Her smile grew reminiscent. “But they were wonderful years, Hilda, years of back-breaking work and great joy. It opened my eyes, for I never knew working hard could be so exhilarating. But what rewarded me was that we saved people by the score and that gave me revenge for all that God had taken from me. These He could not, would not, have.”

She laughed harshly. “Who did I think I was kidding? Just when I thought I had Him beat, the very day before I was due to receive my nursing certificate, my house of cards tumbled down, my bubble burst. Another child died in my arms, and I knew I was no more recovered from Stephen and my baby then than I had been all those years before, knew there would never be any comfort for me anywhere, no matter what I did. I thought I had found it in idle pleasure. Then I thought I would find some ease in the ambulance driving. And surely nursing would help me heal. But that night I knew none of it was enough, that I was empty inside and that nothing on earth could fill my brokenness. My heart that night was truly a broken fount:

Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever
From the dark thoughts that shiver
Upon the sightful branches of my mind.

Her voice petered out and she stared into Hilda’s soft eyes. Something there encouraged her and she added in a whisper, “It was midnight. Everywhere was silent, as it is here now. And suddenly, as I stood there in the middle of my room, I knew there was nowhere else to turn. I had tried everything and had reached a dead end. Or was back where I had started. There were only two ways out – suicide or……”

#170: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 11:24 pm
—
Fascinating; the shift from ignoring Him to resisting Him as an equal, and thus acknowledging a relationship without even realising it. And I am sure that she did not expect that bonus of joy that she found in her training - especially given her wry awareness of her own limitations and the nature of the work she was undertaking.

And yet.... all that it comes to in the end after all the pain and avoidance and anger is a final - or maybe the first? - choice that she has to make alone and facing Him.

Thank you Mary.

#171: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 12:41 am
—
I know none of it worked for MA, but I do love her 'recklessness and sheer bravado - and defiance'! I love her determination to conquer both the difficulties of the job and the selfcentredness of her own protected life in her nursing training - and I love her fight to stop the God she is blaming for the horrors of war from 'having' the lives of those she is able to save. Such a fighter!

Of course she can't win in the end, and the only way she will find healing is in giving in - but I do so identify with her! However does all that energy and strength not burst the walls of the convent?

#172: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 1:28 am
—
I agree a hundred percent with both Cath and Tara that MA knows that in the end, the only way for her to come to terms with all that has happened is by accepting God -but she certainly has had to find her own 'careless' route there, struggling all the while.

At the same time, knowing that she herself had fought so hard and sought so many alternatives before reaching that conclusion has only made her more understanding of others' struggles, which is one of the things which so characterizes her actions as MA. And the fact that her bond with Hilda is so strong that she can pour her heart out to her so frankly and in such detail is also important for both of them.

THank you Mary.

#173: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 5:29 am
—
MA put up quite a fight, didn't she? A very strong and strong-willed lady. Glad she could confide in Hilda.

Thanks Mary.

#174: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 10:13 pm
—
.......I had tried everything and had reached a dead end. There were only two ways out – suicide or……”

She stopped again but Hilda’s steady, loving eyes told her the answer was already known. She nodded and whispered, “I fell on the floor. There is no other way to describe it. I begged Him to tell me what He wanted of me, told Him that I still hated Him but there was nowhere else to go to find relief from my grief, comfort for my pain. I was suddenly defenceless utterly before Him. I asked Him why?”

That voice is round me like a bursting sea:
‘Lo, all things fly Thee for Thou fleest me!
Strange, piteous, futile thing!’

Mother Abbess’s eyes opened wide as Hilda’s mellow voice brokenly recited the lines. “Or words to that effect, my daughter - except it wasn’t a bursting sea nor indeed a sergeant-major, that voice of His. That’s why I asked you last night to describe His voice. It was the voice you yourself heard on that dreadful six month anniversary, a voice that was soft as tears. I felt He was crying for me, with me – but it hurt, Hilda. Those words of His sank to my very core, pointed out so clearly the futility of all those years of running.”

She gave a deep sigh and rested her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes. “I was so ashamed of all I had done. What forgiveness could there be for one such as I? But He took me in His arms there in the nurses’ home - I could feel them. My heart was instantly at peace and I fell asleep on the floor, the deepest, sweetest sleep I had had in twelve long years. Why did I fight Him so long, child? Why did I think I had lost everything that made life worth living?”

‘All which thy child’s mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home.
Rise, clasp My hand and come.’

Hilda’s rich, velvet voice spoke with a calm surety this time, and when the nun opened her eyes she saw that radiant joy still there in Hilda’s eyes. Mother Abbess’s lips curved in a gentle smile.

“I went, daughter. In the end it was as simple as that. I followed Him home. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. He was now the wellspring of my life, the cornerstone, as He has been to you for most of your life.”

Hilda rose from the floor, sat down beside Mother Abbess and placed her arm round the sturdy shoulders, drawing her close. She knew there must be more, that the story was not yet finished, but, for the moment, silence was needed to assimilate the Christmas gift she had been offered by this splendid woman - the gift of her inner torment, of the worst she had seen and done, with nothing at all held back.

Having opened themselves utterly to each other, having received from each other total acceptance, they were now as close as two people could be, hearts and minds in perfect accord. An accord Hilda thought she had lost forever with the loss of Nell. Their heads leaned one against the other in complete love and trust and they sat gazing into the fire, each quietly contemplating their own long and winding journey to this peaceful, Spirit-filled home and to each other.

#175: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:00 am
—
Total disclosure leading to total acceptance - what can be more nourishing to the soul than the comfort of being fully known. I feel quite jealous for Nell, who can only now be a treasure stored for Hilda 'at home'!

Think I need to go and cry a bit!

Thank you, Mary.

#176: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 12:46 am
—
Hilda has now been given - as has MA - something that she thought had gone for ever, a person to whom she can be herself and on whom she can rely/ And in a way that will bring Nell closer to her than ever, even while the mere fact that this is not Nell with whom she has reached this level of revelation and acceptance will ache so profoundly within her so. (I'm putting this badly, but it's the best I can do.)

And of course, MA's surrender is total; it has to be such, given who she is and how she has lived her life to this point.

Quote:

In the end it was as simple as that. I followed Him home.

It does seem simple, but I am reminded of "the condition of complete simplicity (Costing not less than everything)."

Thank you Mary.

#177: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 1:34 am
—
So in the end, the 'still small voice of calm' won out and MA found peace at last.

And in Hilda, she has found someone to whom she can bare her innermost soul, just as Hilda can do to her. I do agree, Cath with what you said about Hilda and Nell - I know just what you mean, but couldn't express it any better, either.

A most satisfying and very moving end to this part of MA's 'confession' - thank you, Mary.

#178: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 6:05 am
—
Such wonderful trust between the two - and Hilda must feel some satisfaction that, after all MA has done to help when Hilda needed it, she could now help MA in return.

Thank you Mary.

#179: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2006 10:00 am
—
Mary,
how immensely satisfying to read this !
No wonder MA was so able to help Hilda, after what she had herself endured....
There is undoubtedly lots more of her story left to tell, so I shall be patient Wink

#180: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 9:14 pm
—
Don't cry, Tara. Crying or Very sad

Hilda is not about to forget her *best beloved*.

“How did you find St Matthew’s?” Hilda finally asked in a whisper. Her eyes on the fire, she suddenly saw Nell’s face in the dancing flames. How her friend would have loved Mother Abbess, would have appreciated her passion and will, would have applauded her desire for action. But no matter how close Mother Abbess was, she would never dislodge Nell from Hilda’s lonely heart. The compassionate and motherly nun had simply found her own niche there.

Mother Abbess stirred. “The next day, as though in answer to my cry of the night before, I received the Gold Medal for best nurse of the year. I nearly fainted with shock when they told me that not only had I scored top marks in the exams but was the most hard-working nurse on the wards.”

“Not much has changed, then,” remarked Hilda blandly. Mother Abbess started and then snickered softly.

“Behave!” she whispered, her green eyes twinkling. “After the ceremony, a woman in a Sister’s uniform approached me to offer her congratulations. It was Pauline. She had been a Sister there for about ten years, long before I arrived, but I had never worked on her ward. For which I used to thank my lucky stars. She had a fearsome reputation, and many bore the scars to show for it.”

This time it was Hilda who snickered and Mother Abbess dug her in the ribs. As she did so, she reflected with surprise that revealing all this to Hilda had loosened the hold that Christmas Day had over her; that her secrets, safe now in Hilda’s quiet heart, had lost their claws and fangs.

“Yet that day she seemed thoughtful and serene. I caught myself watching her at the small party afterwards – a party I later discovered that Pauline herself had organised. There was a glow about her, a joy in her eyes which was very attractive. I found myself edging nearer and nearer until finally I stood beside her, waiting. And then – she opened her mouth and showed me just what she thought of me! And it didn’t make for pleasant hearing, I can tell you!

'I’ve been watching you, and listening to the rumours about you these past few years. ‘Wild’ would seem to be the right word for your antics – even allowing for the gold medal. Do you really deserve it, I wonder.'

“I gaped at her and she watched me steadily, waiting for me to fight my corner, no doubt. But what was there to say? I remained silent so she added, 'But today I see peace in your eyes. Sadness as well. Something has changed.' I nodded, and then, to my absolute horror, I heard myself asking her would she be prepared to find a place for me on her ward if she found me so changed.”

Mother Abbess shook her head and laughed. “I had no idea I was going to ask that. The words just popped out. We often have a giggle over it now. But then, she just turned away from me and stood looking out over the small crowd who were still eating and talking, watching them as though she was considering their innermost thoughts – silence seemed to wrap her around and set her apart. Suddenly she said quietly, 'I don’t know why I’m telling you this – after all, I don’t know you – but you can’t work for me, I’m afraid, though it might have led to some interesting moments. I’m leaving nursing. Today is my last day. You see, I’m entering a convent next week.'

“The strangest thing, Hilda! Without a moment’s hesitation, I asked if they could use someone like me there! What an insane thing to do. A nun – me? After all I had done? But she never made a murmur. She simply took out a pen, reached for my hand and wrote a telephone number on it. 'Call there,' she said and then left me without another word.”

Silence fell again as the two women sat contemplating the magnificent simplicity of God.

#181: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 11:23 pm
—

Quote:

This time it was Hilda who snickered and Mother Abbess dug her in the ribs. As she did so, she reflected with surprise that revealing all this to Hilda had loosened the hold that Christmas Day had over her; that her secrets, safe now in Hilda’s quiet heart, had lost their claws and fangs.

How wonderful to think, that in revealing so much to Hilda, MA will now be able to contemplate Christmas Days in the future with so much more equanimity - again confirmation of their special relationship.

Quote:

Silence fell again as the two women sat contemplating the magnificent simplicity of God.

That is such as heartwarming image.

Thanks, Mary

#182: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 12:05 am
—

Quote:

her secrets, safe now in Hilda’s quiet heart, had lost their claws and fangs.

That is such a perfect image, Mary. Every word is so telling, such a memorable description of MA's healing. Lovely that all the wildness and passionate fighting is calmed and soothed in Hilda's 'quiet heart' - just as she did for Nell so often.

Yes, Nell and MA would have appreciated each other, wouldn't they, though I suspect they might have fought!

Lovely description of Pauline, too, with her fearsome reputation and loving heart. MA doesn't stand a chance, really, does she!

#183: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 12:29 am
—
But of course, that "magnificent simplicity" is all that's needed. And given MA's furious resistance and will, then that immediate and wondrously direct response is just right.

And yes, MA has 'found her own niche' in Hilda's heart, which can only enrich both of them - and enhance Hilda and Nell's relationship too, which is after all an ever-constant presence in Hilda's heart.

And that MA's secrets have "lost their claws and fangs" is just as it should be. Telling Hilda has stripped them of their power and both these women have a rare understanding of one another.

Thank you Mary

#184: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 7:04 pm
—
And so MA, after all the difficulties she has had to struggle through is given the key to going to the place where she will be able to give the worst of her grief to God. She may not take that step at once, but it will happen, and in the perfect timing of God, the very thing she needs is provided.

These last episodes have been just lovely Mary - it is wonderful to see how MS has progressed in her journey. Each step may have occurred slowly, but she has now got to a stage where she can heal, and her journey is even now, only just beginning.

Thank you.

#185: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 2:58 am
—
Lovely - truly lovely Mary!
Thank you.

#186: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 9:59 am
—
Another that thinks Nell and Ma would have liked each other - and liked to argue!

Thanks Mary

#187: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 10:05 pm
—
Thank you for your kind comments. Not much more to go now really....

“Pauline was right,” chuckled Mother Abbess after a moment or two. “We have had some very interesting moments. That same afternoon I rang here and learned the principles on which the place is based. I didn’t want to be locked away somewhere, spending my life in contemplation. I needed to be out there helping, doing something, and this seemed to fit the bill. What I hadn’t anticipated were the words of the Abbess over the phone, assuring me my former life amply fitted me to becoming a Sister. I listened in total disbelief. She was running ahead of me. I hadn’t even mentioned wanting to enter at that point, didn’t realise that was what I intended.”

“But she knew what she was talking about,” whispered Hilda, once more wrapped up in this fascinating tale.

“I came the following week, telling me myself it was just for a trial period, that I could always leave. It was so quick, you see. It felt like being on an express train and I had no idea how to work the brakes so I could hop off." She grimaced, and Hilda squeezed her hand. She could make a guess at how hard it must have been for her after all she had seen and done.

"I was forty-three years of age. I felt I was far too old when I saw all the younger ones here, so eager and keen. Except for Pauline, their faces were shining with innocence, while I was mired in my murky past, and still grieving. But the Abbess was good to me, took me under her wing, ensured I had space to recover, space to find if this was really my desire. She had a mind of her own and often did the unexpected if she thought it was better than slavishly following the Rule.”

She stopped and looked sad a moment. “How I missed her when she died. She taught me such a lot, helped me put my past behind me. I had only been here six years then, but I had grown to love the place and the people, and I relished the work. And Pauline and I propped each other up in the Noviciate when the bad times came. She was wonderful. I think if it hadn't been for her and my Abbess, I wouldn't still be here."

"Oh, I think you would," stated Hilda quietly, but with total conviction.

Mother Abbess turned to look at her, and then smiled fondly. "Maybe you're right, child. I found peace, sanity, joy – and I found Stephen again as I had known and loved him. So why did I run for so long? Why did I hide from God, try to escape my pain? Can you tell me, daughter?”

Hilda gave her the answer in a voice vibrating with a rich and tender love.

….though I knew His love Who followed,
Yet was I sore adread,
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.

“Naught beside?” whispered Mother Abbess, so much pain in her own voice. “What a fool I was! Having Him meant having everything I wanted. If only I had known then how fulfilled a life it would be. If I had only known then that remembering Stephen would no longer bring pain, but peace.”

“When I first came here you told me that God brings beauty out of the ruins,” said Hilda quietly, and her arm tightened involuntarily round the nun, for she had not yet found too much peace in memories of Nell. But it was coming….

The nun felt the sudden spasm in the arm round her shoulders and understood. Her voice was very low and comforting. “He does, love, He does. Look at me, now you know my story. I had to accept that it was man who had done his worst with me, not God. God just did His best with the fragments that were left, His very best, for I could never have married again. As for having another child…..” She shuddered. “I think I would have spiralled into madness. So ever since, I have listened very closely to His words, followed His every desire, done my utmost to be what He wanted.”

“And you have succeeded beyond any possibility of doubt, Mother,” remarked Hilda lovingly.

“But I never expected this,” added the nun softly.......

#188: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 10:14 pm
—
Thank you Mary

#189: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 10:41 pm
—
What a touching peace (sorry, that was meant to read piece, but I cannot change the typo now I have written it) - and so MA found her relief in the abbey, in a secret, safe place where she could learn about love again - and how deep that love was, knowing exactly what she needed and could deal with.

And Hilda is beggining ever so slowly to be given just a little of that for herself.

Thank you Mary.

#190: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 12:32 am
—
So finally, in finding God and in the peace of the convent, MA was helped by her Abbess and Sister Pauline, to accept the past and move on into the present, even though it still took some time.

As Squirrel says, Hilda is still reaching that place, though not quite there. However she is now realising that she can have that peace and still have her memories of Nell, which is a good thing.

Thanks, Mary - another very moving section.

#191: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 12:42 am
—
That was so MA-ish wasn't it? Once decided and committed, the thing is done, so why deliberate longer? She gave herself over to God, and that was the important thing..

But that natural response; if I move on, turn away, will I find that I have nothing left? And it's something that Hilda recognises, even as she recognises that she can and will retain her memories of Nell as she has always known her while moving into this new phase of her life.

And there are new and unexpected gifts given as they are finding...

Thank you Mary.

#192: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 11:59 pm
—
I somehow managed to miss this yesterday.

So, MA's story is drawing to its end, but her life with God is a Present Continuous of new opportunities for love, growth and fulfilment. The unexpected gift of Hilda's love will be such an enrichment for both of them.

I've thought all along that this was going to end with Hilda dying and being reunited with Nell, but I don't think I was right, the direction feels different now. Though I guess there's way to go yet, and lots of threads apart from MA, though we've all been so gripped by her story that they've faded into the background!

Thanks, Mary.

#193: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 7:00 pm
—
Mary,
what pleasure to read this !
Even MA`s journey took time before she reached peace and healing; Hilda will get there too in the end.

It took immense courage for MA to reveal herself in such a way; I know I would find it hard to own up to such thoughts and feelings, however understandable and justifiable they may have been because of their causation........... but look at the special bond between Hilda and MA deepening because of the knowledge of their shared tragedies. That will also give them both joy and comfort.

Brilliant stuff, Mary !

#194: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:59 pm
—
Yes, Tara, a very long way to go - but thank you all for the kind words.

.....I have listened very closely to His words, followed His every desire, done my utmost to be what He wanted.”

“And you have succeeded beyond any possibility of doubt, Mother,” remarked Hilda lovingly.

“But I never expected this,” added the nun softly. “To become Abbess - when I had entered so late, had led such a turbulent life, let Him down so many times. There are so many others who have loved Him their whole lives, followed Him every step of the way. So why me?”

Hilda turned her head and gazed intently at her friend. She had heard from Sister Infirmarian some of the details about the day of that election four years ago. How Sister *Kate* had begged them to choose someone else as Abbess, that she was still a youngster in religious terms, having only been there fourteen years. How she had told them she had not led the best of lives and did not deserve the honour. And when she had been informed that every single Sister in the Convent had put her name down, that the choice had been unanimous, she had wept as though her heart had been broken.

Hilda put out a gentle hand and turned the lined face towards her. Her voice had never been more beautiful as she spoke. “If you had saved only me, I would have said your years of despair were fruitful. But I see how challenging and yet how magnificently loving you are and I know there are so many others who are also the better for your wisdom and understanding – attributes which were forged in the hell of those years. You might not suffer fools gladly, might often feel you are too forthright for your own good, but you have such infinite compassion for the sinner and for the lost and the lonely. So why not you? Who else could they choose to be their leader?”

Mother Abbess’s vivid green eyes were caught and held by the truth shining in Hilda’s eyes. “You are wise like Solomon, Mother, and yet as generous and tender, and yes, as bracing, as the Lord Himself. Your Sisters chose you just a few short years ago, but He chose you before you were even born. He loved you before you were born. He followed you patiently, relentlessly, all those years because He wanted you right where you are now – guiding and nurturing His hurting little ones with your steadfast light and love. That love of yours which is beyond measure, just like His. I could write a book about what you are - a library even! - and still only scratch the surface.”

Tears rolled down Mother Abbess’s cheeks at the beautiful radiance in Hilda’s eyes, at the sincerity in her words. Their eyes held for long moments and then they both smiled tremulously. The nun drew Hilda to her, laying her own head on Hilda’s. “Bless you, my gentle daughter,” she said softly. “But if I am wise then you are wiser. If I am loving, then you are more loving. If I am challenging and steadfast, then you are more so, for you have been so quietly, courageously faithful all your years.”

Hilda nestled closer. How she loved this woman! Mother Abbess’s sweet voice grew softer. “Just when I think the Lord has endowed me with more than I deserve, He sends me an extra-special gift. He sends me a daughter of such integrity and courage, the daughter I once thought I had lost. And not only a daughter, but a soul friend as well. Truly, once I had given my all, He returned it a thousandfold.”

Peace came dropping slow into that wood-panelled room and they sat on together savouring it, letting it seep into their spirits, while the fire danced and sang in the hearth, lighting up the polished wood of the crib figures in front of them. Suddenly, a shiver of pure awe ran down Mother Abbess’s back as that most beautiful of voices set the quiet of the room quivering:

Christmas – that magic blanket that wraps itself round us, that is so intangible it is like a fragrance. It may be a day of feasting or of prayer – but it will always be a day of remembrance – a day in which we think of everything we have loved. (Augusta E Rundel)

#195: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:11 pm
—
Oh Mary, what a fabulous quote to choose to end up with - and what a stunning piece overall as well.

I revel in the love these two show for each other - MA is right, not just an Abbess with her future entrant, but a true mother and daughter. I just love the way that Hilda is able to remind MA of all the good she has done for her personally, and for others in general.

And a unanimous choice of 'Kate' for to become the new Abbess - how wondorous that must have seemed - and how much of a challenge, given all the experience she felt she was missing out on.

However she had the one thing which was vital - a way to understand the tragedy that others outside the community could feel. None of the others could fully meet someone who has faced those terrors face on as well, for most of them hadn't experienced anything like as much hardships - living through the war or not. Even those who had, wouldn't have the gifting that she had to see into the hearts of others.

And so beauty is bourn out of unbearable pain.

I could go on, but there is so much in this that it is probably better for me to leave it here.

Thank you Mary, for making the effort involved in the writing of this - I know it is very difficult to write such scenes, and it is worth every ounce of effort I can tell you - you always get the impressions you are after across in the most perfect way.

#196: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:57 pm
—
It is only when you have experienced despair yourself that you can truly empathise with others. The Sisters of that convent chose wisely.

Thank you Mary, a lovely piece.

#197: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:30 pm
—
Oh dear, I could quote every line of this, but.... There are so many beautiful images here, but I think two statements say it all:

Quote:

“If you had saved only me, I would have said your years of despair were fruitful. But I see how challenging and yet how magnificently loving you are and I know there are so many others who are also the better for your wisdom and understanding – attributes which were forged in the hell of those years. You might not suffer fools gladly, might often feel you are too forthright for your own good, but you have such infinite compassion for the sinner and for the lost and the lonely. So why not you

Why not, indeed - surely someone who had endured so much and fought so hard was uniquely qualified for the position of Mother Abbess, even though she might be 'young' in the years of her Vows.

[color=blue]

Quote:

“Bless you, my gentle daughter,” she said softly. “But if I am wise then you are wiser. If I am loving, then you are more loving. If I am challenging and steadfast, then you are more so, for you have been so quietly, courageously faithful all your years.”

Just when I think the Lord has endowed me with more than I deserve, He sends me an extra-special gift. He sends me a daughter of such integrity and courage, the daughter I once thought I had lost. And not only a daughter, but a soul friend as well. Truly, once I had given my all, He returned it a thousandfold.

[/color

This expression of the love MA feels for Hilda is so sincere, so deep that it sent shivers up my spine.

Peace did indeed come dropping slowly into the room as the magic of Christmas was finally felt - and leaves me wrapped in a warm glow. Mary, your powers of evocation know no bounds - you have truly transported us here into a very special world, made even more special by the thoughts of celebrating that very special birthday. Thank you.

#198: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:21 am
—
Mary, that was so special. Such a lovely realisation of how perfect MA is in her role, and also how much Hilda has come to mean to her. I could quote the whole piece - but this stood out for me

If you had saved only me, I would have said your years of despair were fruitful. But I see how challenging and yet how magnificently loving you are and I know there are so many others who are also the better for your wisdom and understanding – attributes which were forged in the hell of those years. You might not suffer fools gladly, might often feel you are too forthright for your own good, but you have such infinite compassion for the sinner and for the lost and the lonely. So why not you? Who else could they choose to be their leader?”

And then there was this:

But if I am wise then you are wiser. If I am loving, then you are more loving. If I am challenging and steadfast, then you are more so, for you have been so quietly, courageously faithful all your years.

MA does have Hilda's measure doesn't she? And expresses herself so clearly and simply. They have achieved a lovely mother/daughter balance....
Thank you Mary.

#199: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:47 am
—
Mary, that final quote is exquisitely apt !

My comments have already been said by others so succinctly.

I`m not surprised MA`s election was unanimous Wink

Christmas will never be so hard for either of them again; a problem shared is a problem halved, so to speak.

Thank you !

#200: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:15 am