"It's not what I expected." (Repost, now complete)
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The CBB -> Ste Therese's House
#1: "It's not what I expected." (Repost, now complete) Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 3:44 pm
    —
This got lost in the hacking on the old board, so I thought I'd fill in some of Gill's story for the archives. It's a bit long, though, I'm sorry.
Gill sank down onto the settee, leaning back wearily and closing her eyes. She had just got the twins to sleep, and could do with some shut eye herself, but there was the dinner to prepare for when Armand got home from work. She had not made the bed, or done any washing and she knew that the nappy bucket was full. As she pondered the chores that she had to do, she felt the tears come seeping from the corners of her eyes and rolling down her pale cheeks. The girl who came to help her out with the housework only worked in the mornings and she had been busy mopping the floors, doing the vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen.
Once the tears had started flowing, it was as if a tap had been turned on and then could not be turned off again. Gill buried her face in a cushion and gave way to a violent storm of misery. She had been so happy to discover that she was pregnant, and had had an easy time of it. She had not suffered from morning sickness, had no strange cravings and had, as Armand constantly told her, looked absolutely beautiful from beginning to end. When the twins were born, they had been a surprise. Everyone had told Gill how lucky she was, and as she looked down into the two tiny faces, she had known that they were right. It had been love at first sight, and she had been thrilled.
Once they left the hospital, a veritable army of visitors came to visit Gill. Her sister Ven had come to stay for a week, to give her a hand, then Armand's sister Monique had come for another week. After that, it seemed as though everyone on the Platz had come round to help look after the babies and let Gill get some sleep. In those days everything had seemed so easy. All she had to do was feed the babies and look like the perfect mother, sitting on the settee nursing one of the twins while someone brought a carefully made casserole or a tureen of nourishing soup that she just had to heat up at the appropriate time.
As the weeks passed, the visitors stopped coming and Armand found a local girl who was willing to come four mornings a week and help Gill with the housework. The babies were thriving, even little Arminel, who had been so tiny when she made her surprise appearance into the world. She was still considerably smaller than her brother Louis, but Armand assured Gill that she was just as healthy.
Having two tiny babies was a full time job, Gill discovered. Some nights she would feed one of them, change and settle them down to sleep and then find that the other was ready to be fed. After that, once she had that one settled, the first one would wake again, and so it would go on. She had a comfortable armchair in her bedroom and spent more nights dozing in the armchair than she did sleeping in her bed.
During the day things followed a similar pattern. Gill would get up with Armand, give him breakfast, usually serving it one handed as she held onto whichever of the twins was awake and crying, then she would nibble on a slice of toast as she began the morning feeds. Fortunately, the twins would usually sleep for a couple of hours in the morning, and although she felt that she should really be attending to some of her domestic duties during this respite, Gill often found herself collapsing on the settee and sleeping dreamlessly until she was woken by someone's angry cries.
She did her best to keep up with the washing, but Armand made no objection to ironing his own shirts, and whenever he came back from work and found that she had not cooked dinner, he would set to work in the kitchen with good will and manage to produce something that they could eat. In the evening Armand would sit and cuddle the twins, and they always seemed to be quieter and less demanding when he was there to spend time with them. In fact, Armand had been wonderful, Gill realized. He had never complained about the state of their home, or the lack of food, or that the washing often took several days to be done. He just got on with things himself and always told her how well she was doing, running a home and caring for two tiny babies.
Gill knew that she did not believe him. She had become a dreadful housewife and had let herself get sloppy, too. Some days she did not manage to change out of her pyjamas until the evening, and she seldom got to wash her hair more than once a week. Sometimes, although she scarcely admitted it to herself, she would plait her hair tightly after she had washed it and would not brush it again for a couple of days. There just never seemed to be time to do anything for herself. All her time was spent caring for the babies and any energy she had left over afterwards went into making herself do some of the things around the house that just could not be left longer. She scarcely even had time to look in the mirror any more, let alone spent time in front of it beautifying herself.
After crying bitterly, Gill fell into an exhausted slumber. How long she slept for she did not know, but when she awoke she found that she still felt worn out. One of the babies was crying; she still could not tell which was which from their cries, although Armand always knew at once. That was another good reason for assuring herself that she was a dreadful mother as well as a dreadful housewife. And it was not only that she did not recognize their cries - some nights she would hear one baby crying and find that she had been asleep in the armchair with the other one. She often did not know which baby she held until she looked into their cots and saw which one was empty. What sort of mother was she, she wondered, unable to remember which baby she was feeding?
Wearily, Gill got up and went over to the Moses baskets where the twins slept during the day. As usual Louis was slumbering peacefully, while Arminel was wailing. He was getting much better at sleeping for several hours at a time, but Arminel was always very restless. Gill lifted her out gently and cuddled her for a moment, looking down into the sweet little face, all her doubts vanishing for a while as her daughter stared back up at her with round blue eyes. Talking softly, Gill took Arminel off upstairs to change her, before settling down to feed her. As ever, by the time that Arminel was satisfied, Louis was just starting to rouse, so Gill was obliged to forget the housework again until she had attended to his needs.
As she put Louis into the play pen, she glanced up at the clock, shocked to find that it was almost five thirty. She was still wearing her pyjamas and there was nothing ready for Armand to eat when he got in at six. Hoping that the twins would be all right in the play pen for at least half an hour, Gill went into the kitchen and looked through the fridge to see what she could throw together for their meal. There were plenty of potatoes and carrots, which she usually cooked up for the twins, now that they had started to eat a little 'real' food, but they would have to do for Armand, too.
Gill threw them into a pot and hoped that she would be able to get enough chicken from the remains of the previous day's dinner, with some salad, to make a decent enough meal for Armand. While the vegetables were coming to the boil, she started on the nappies, carefully tipping the water down the sink and rinsing them out. She was very glad that it was summer, for it made it so much easier to get vast quantities of washing dry – as long as it was put out in the morning she thought with a sigh.
By the time Armand came home, Gill had just managed to change her clothes. She found that the twins were getting fed up with one another's company and when she crossed to the play pen she discovered why. Arminel was a dreadful wriggler, and she had managed to reach Louis' side and grab a handful of the thick dark hair he had had since birth, and was pulling happily on it. Needless to say, Louis was not quite as happy.
By the time that Gill had rescued Louis, Armand had appeared again, changed and looking very relaxed. He leaned over and kissed her, then took Louis from her, leaving her free to go back to the kitchen and discover that she had burnt the vegetables again. Choking down a sob, Gill put the best of them onto Armand's plate and took it through to the dining room for him.
"What about yours?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm not hungry," she answered, not liking to tell him that she had burnt the dinner again.
"You need to eat," he told her gently. "Come on, come and share with me. I had a lovely sandwich in the cafeteria at lunch time." Not accepting no for an answer, he drew Gill over to the table and sat her down, putting Louis into her arms. He then proceeded to share his meal with her, feeding her as if she was no bigger than the baby she held, until they had eaten everything. "That's better, isn't it?" he asked, standing up and taking the plate into the kitchen. "Would you like a cup of tea, darling?"
"Yes, please," Gill called back, listening to the sounds of him washing up and making the tea, too. She stumbled tiredly over to the settee and sat down to feed Louis again, wondering how much longer she could keep going like this. It was not that she did not enjoy having such beautiful babies and such a wonderful husband, she reflected, more that there never seemed to be enough of her to go round between them all. She was only one person, yet she was being split in at least four directions – Armand, Louis, Arminel and the house all needed her attention, but she did not have enough hours in the day, or enough strength to look after them all.
Armand put her tea down beside her and opened a packet of biscuits he had found in the back of the cupboard. Immediately Gill felt guilty for having eaten so much of his dinner, leaving him still hungry after the inadequate meal. Armand offered Gill a biscuit and then went off to collect Arminel. He doted on both babies, but when Gill saw him smiling down at his daughter she knew that Arminel occupied a special place in her father's heart. Just for a moment she felt a stab of jealousy to add to all her other woes. For so long she had been the one Armand loved best, and now her position was being usurped by a six month old baby. "I would like to take you out to dinner tomorrow night," said Armand, transferring his gaze from his daughter to his wife. "Would you like to go into Interlaken for a meal?"
At once Gill knew that he was criticizing her housekeeping skills. If he promised to take her out for dinner, he could be sure of getting a decent meal himself. "How can I leave the twins for all that time?" she asked, knowing that she sounded ungrateful, but unable to stop herself from feeling upset.
"I'll ask Hélène if she will come round," suggested Armand, speaking of his cousin, a nurse at the san. "She would love to spend some time with the twins. And Hans would probably come along and help her out. I checked the duty roster and neither of them will be working."
Gill looked across at Armand. "Oh, I don't know," she said, trying to imagine leaving the twins behind while she went out for the evening.
"Please," he asked. "It's been so long since we did anything together, just you and me. I would love to be able to sit and look at you across a candlelit table and have your undivided attention for an hour or two."
Gill managed to smile at him and nod. "Yes, that would be nice," she said.
Armand grinned at her. "Now I have something to look forward to," he said.
Gill bit back the response that all she had to look forward to was another pile of dirty nappies, another sleepless night and another day of running round trying to get lots of things done, but actually achieving nothing. Perhaps she would feel better after an evening out, some time away from their home, away from the physical evidence of her lack of ability to cope with all the things that most normal mothers could do with one hand tied behind their back.
Gill watched as Armand cooed at Arminel and soon had her laughing. Gill always thought that Arminel was grumpy and moody, but in her father's arms she showed a different side to her personality. She gave Armand her toothless smile and Armand kissed her, making her laugh some more. Gill looked down at Louis. He was usually the placid one, often chuckling when Gill bathed him or tickled him, clutching at her long plait whenever he got the chance. He was a bonny baby, big and healthy looking, with big eyes that seemed to be darkening by the day. Gill guessed that he would end up the image of his father, dark-eyed, dark-haired and handsome. Arminel was fairer, and her eyes still blue; she was much smaller and thinner, but no less alert than her brother.
Once Gill had finished feeding Louis, she swapped with Armand. He spent a happy half hour cuddling his son, while Gill was busy with Arminel. After that, the twins spent some time in the play pen. Gill liked to bath them later, then feed them and after that they had just started to sleep better. Some nights she did not get disturbed for three or four hours, although these nights did not occur as often as Gill would have liked.
Gill disappeared upstairs, to sort out the washing that she had brought in earlier that day. She spent some time folding another supply of nappies, putting away the twins' clothes and hastily making the bed. By the time that she returned to the living room, Armand was fast asleep on the settee. Seeing him lying there, Gill was filled with mixed emotions. He got awoken in the night by the babies' cries, just the same as she did. He spent sometimes as much as ten hours at the San working, and then had to come home and cook dinner or occupy one of the babies whilst she dealt with the other. She did not have the luxury of sleeping when she felt tired, though, she thought viciously, forgetting that she had slept for some time after her fit of crying that afternoon. What would she not give for the opportunity of lying out on the settee at that moment and sleeping until the next day?
Gill skillfully picked up both babies and disappeared upstairs to bath them. She rather enjoyed bath time, for Louis especially, liked to lie back and splash and obviously took great pleasure in the experience. Arminel was more nervous, often screaming wildly as her hair was washed. Once the twins were dressed in their pyjamas, Gill transported them back downstairs and began her next mammoth feeding session. By the time that both twins were asleep, Gill could scarcely keep her own eyes open. She had already poked Armand awake and he had vanished upstairs to bed, so she decided that the remainder of the housework could just wait until the next day and went up to bed herself.
In the morning when Gill awoke it was all quiet, a most unusual occurrence. Armand was stretched out at her side, snoring gently, and she knew that the twins were awake because she could hear them making noises. When she glanced at the clock she saw, to her amazement, that it was almost seven o'clock, and that she had enjoyed her longest sleep since the twins' birth. It was a lovely sunny morning, and suddenly Gill felt more cheerful. Obviously yesterday had just been a bad day and today everything would be fine. And, as the icing on the cake, she had a romantic dinner with Armand to look forward to as well.
Gill slipped out of bed, pulled on her dressing gown and went for a quick wash. She even took down her hair and gave it a thorough brushing out, to celebrate actually having five minutes to herself in the morning. By the time she had it firmly plaited up once again, Arminel was beginning to whimper, getting fed up with her own company, so Gill changed her and took her downstairs. She made a pot of coffee and poured herself a cup before settling down with Arminel.
By the time that Armand and Louis put in an appearance, Gill was back in the kitchen sipping her second cup of coffee and making toast. Although she knew she should not drink too much coffee whilst feeding the twins, Gill found that it was about the only thing that got her through the day. Without her morning 'fix' she was unable to keep going from early morning until the evening.
Armand walked in briskly, for he had slept a little too late. He leaned over Gill's shoulder to kiss her cheek and give her a quick hug. "Good morning," he said, taking a piece of toast.
"Good morning," she replied, turning to kiss him back. "I'm looking forward to this evening," she added with a smile.
"Me too," he said. "I put Louis in the play pen. You seem happy this morning."
As she usually said very little in the morning, at least until she had finished her coffee, Gill knew that she was being positively loquacious. "I slept for a few hours," she explained.
"Good." Armand sounded pleased. "I'm sorry to rush off, darling. I'll call you later."
"All right," she answered, following him to the door. She kissed him again, brushed some toast crumbs from his chin and giggled as he hugged her tightly. She waved as he walked away, feeling more positive than she had done for a long time.
Her optimism was not to last long. By the time that Armand returned home, just after five, Gill was in thoroughly bad form. She had found Louis unsettled all day, her helper had called to say that she had slipped down the stairs and broken her wrist and so would not be able to come over for some weeks, Arminel managed to get hold of her dish of pureed carrot and splatter it all over both herself and Gill and just after she cleaned them both up, Louis decided to be sick all over her shoulder. Gill did not get much housework done, but she did make a real effort to clear up the sitting room, so that Hans and Hélène would not have to sit amongst too much mess when they came to baby sit.

Last edited by Fatima on Wed May 24, 2006 7:28 pm; edited 4 times in total
#2:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 3:46 pm
    —
When Armand came home he found Gill looking anxious. She was cuddling Louis, who was grizzling despite her efforts to soothe him. "He's been like this all day," she said as Armand looked interrogatively at her. "He just won't settle. And he was sick, too."
"Don't worry," Armand said, taking Louis from her and giving him a cuddle. "Hélène said they would be here at six, so go on up and get ready to go out while I take a look at Louis."
Gill reluctantly went upstairs and got ready to go out. She was no longer sure that she wanted to leave Louis, even though he would be in the capable hands of Hélène and Hans. She knew that Armand was looking forward to their evening out, however, and so she changed into one of her nicer dresses, did her hair in a more elegant style than she had attempted for many months and actually felt better when she looked in the mirror and saw someone who looked more like the Gillian of old than the usual pale, miserable, stressed out individual that usually stared back at her.
Gill went downstairs, doing her best to maintain a light-hearted mood. Armand was sitting on the settee, looking relaxed and cheerful, which did put Gill's mind to rest about Louis. "He's fine," he assured her with a smile. "He's teething, and that is why he's been miserable."
"Really? Thank goodness," said Gill, relieved. "Shall I have him while you get ready?"
Armand gave Louis to Gill and went off to change. Gill smiled down at him, surprised by how proud she felt to think that he was cutting his first tooth. Her pride was soon changed to annoyance, however, as he was sick again, on the front of her clean dress. "Oh, Louis," she said reproachfully. "How could you?"
Before she could clean either of them up, there was a knock at the door heralding the arrival of Hélène and Hans. Gill let them in, then vanished upstairs with hardly a word to them. She changed Louis and herself while Armand watched anxiously. He sensed that all was not well with her, but did not wish to upset her by making any comment.
"Let me take him down," Armand suggested, trying not to watch admiringly as she slipped on another pretty dress.
Finally they were ready to go. Gill would have spent a long time giving Hélène instructions about the twins and their milk and changes of clothes, but Armand winked at his cousin over Gill's head, slipped his arm around her shoulders and hustled her out to the car. Hélène waved as they drove off, and then returned to the chalet and an evening of fun with the twins.
"You look lovely," Armand said as he took the road to Interlaken. "I've been thinking of this all day. It's just like when we were first married."
"I don't like leaving them," Gill said, sounding distracted. "Are you sure Louis is all right?"
"Quite sure," he answered patiently. "They will be fine. You should be more worried about how Hans and Hélène will survive the ordeal!"
Gill did not laugh as he had hoped. "I hope they have enough milk for them," she mused.
"We have left them with a doctor and a nurse," Armand reminded her. "They will be fine. Where shall we go to eat?"
"I don't mind," she answered, knowing that she was being ungracious, but unable to stop herself.
"How about that new Italian place?" Armand asked. "A plate of their spaghetti would give you bundles of energy for tomorrow."
At once, Gill thought of all the housework that she still had not got around to, and presumed that Armand was alluding to the fact that he expected her to get it done the next day. "Yes, all right," she agreed.
Armand fell silent, worrying about Gill as he drove down to Interlaken. It was not like her to be so quiet; usually they could talk about anything, but she seemed unwilling to enter into any kind of conversation at all with him. He knew that she was exhausted, and was tired himself, too, but he had hoped that a pleasant evening out would make her feel more relaxed. With a sigh, he parked the car and they got out. He put his arm around her again and they walked along to the restaurant. They were early, so they went into the bar for a drink first.
"Have a little glass of sherry," Armand suggested, knowing his wife's fondness for that particular beverage.
"I shouldn't," she said. "Not as long as I am feeding the twins."
"One little glass won't matter," he said, ordering one anyhow.
They took their drinks to a quiet table and sipped them in silence. Gill knew that she should be making an effort to talk to Armand, but she could think of nothing to say. Her life revolved around the twins and housework; she did not have time for reading and seldom managed to listen to the news. In all, she was becoming a most boring companion. Watching her across the table, Armand felt sad. She had always sparkled, she had always been able to converse on a variety of subjects and sound knowledgeable and he had always enjoyed their wide-ranging conversations. Finally, he leaned over and took her hand in his. "Gill, I love you," he told her sincerely. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing," she answered at once, knowing that if she admitted how miserable she was with herself, he would have no option other than to agree with her. He would tell her how sad he was, too, that she never kept the house tidy and that she never made herself look nice. He would mention all the other niggles that he was bound to have; things like the dreadful food she prepared, the way the sheets on the bed were never ironed, how she often forgot to go shopping and he had to run out in the evening when he was exhausted himself to buy milk or bread. He would agree that she was a dreadful wife and even worse mother and admit that he had made a big mistake in marrying her. "I'm just tired, that's all."
"I hear that Stefanie broke her wrist," he said, to change the subject. "Shall I ask around for someone else to come and give you a hand?"
"Yes, she called this afternoon," Gill remembered. "Do you think you could find anyone else?"
"I'll do my best," he promised. "Are you sure you don't want me to get someone to live in?"
Gill sighed. They had discussed that after the twins were born, but she had been reluctant to have someone else come to live with them. Their chalet was small, so anyone living with them would have been around all the time. Gill did not fancy spending time cuddled up on the settee with Armand with a third person in the room, nor did she want to hand over care of the babies to someone who might become more important in their lives that she was.
"It would make everything so much easier for you," he said gently. "Look at Mrs. Maynard. She has dozens of children and never looks as worn out as you, because she has someone there all the time to help her out."
From that, all Gill grasped was that he thought she looked worn out and interpreted it to mean that he no longer even liked the way she looked. She downed the rest of her sherry, sorely tempted to ask him if she could have another glass. Perhaps the twins would sleep better at night with a dash of sherry in their feeds.
Fortunately, at that point they were told that they could go into the restaurant. Armand had arranged a very romantic table, set in a particularly quiet corner and with the necessary candlelight. Menus were provided and soon they had ordered big helpings of pasta in some delicious creamy sauce. Once the waiter had left them in peace, Armand moved his seat closer to Gill's and took her hand once more.
"We should try to do this more often," he said, wishing he knew what to say to make her smile. "We don't have enough time together any more."
Gill finally made herself look at him. "It would be nice," she said neutrally. She noticed that he did not look particularly happy either and wondered if it was because he was forced to spend the evening with her.
"You look so lovely this evening," he said, reaching out to touch her cheek and nearly setting the sleeve of his shirt on fire in the process.
Gill grabbed the candlestick and quickly moved it out of his way. "Be careful!" she warned with more animation than he had seen her show for a long time. "Are you all right?" she asked anxiously as he examined the singe mark on his sleeve.
"I think so," he answered. "The shirt isn't though."
"You have plenty more," she reminded him.
"I was just trying to tell you how lovely you look this evening," he recalled, managing to reach her without any further mishaps. "Gill, if there was anything worrying you, you would tell me, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, of course," she answered, holding his hand to her cheek and trying to stop her eyes filling with tears at his tenderness. "I think this is our spaghetti coming, look."
Sure enough, the waiter arrived with two plates of spaghetti and set them down before Armand and Gill. He offered them black pepper and parmesan cheese then left them to enjoy their meal. It was really delicious, but the portions were so huge that Gill soon found herself struggling to eat anything more. She watched as Armand made a valiant effort to finish his plateful, but even he was obliged to admit defeat in the end. He sat back in his chair and grinned at her across the table.
"That was wonderful," he said contentedly. "We should try to cook spaghetti at home."
Biting back the observation that it was hard enough to cook familiar recipes with the twins to attend to, Gill nodded. "It would be nice," she agreed.
Armand glanced at his watch. "It's still early," he said. "Would you like to go for a walk?"
"Don't you think we should be getting home?"
"I told Hélène we would not be back before ten," Armand announced. "To be honest, I think she was hoping to use this evening as an opportunity to persuade Hans that they should have some children of their own."
"It's more likely to put them off for life," said Gill cynically.
"I'll go and call them and check that they are all right," Armand decided, "And if they are, I will take you for a walk in the park."
While Armand went off to find a telephone, Gill headed for the bathroom. She glanced at herself in the mirror, seeing only a deathly pale face and eyes with heavy dark shadows under them. 'And he thinks I look nice,' she snorted depreciatingly. She then glanced down and saw that she had milk stains on the front of her dress. How could she possibly look any less attractive, she wondered. With a sob she sank down onto the floor, which was cold and hard, and rested her head on her knees. She could not stop herself from crying, sobbing miserably as she thought more and more dreadful things about herself.
Suddenly she heard someone knocking on the bathroom door and then she heard Armand's voice. "Gill?" he called. "Are you in there?"
Gill tried to get a grip on herself, but it was not easy. She pulled herself to her feet, not even daring to look at her reflection in the mirror this time.
"Gill! Are you all right?" Armand called again, sounding anxious now.
Gill washed her face and hands in cold water and dried them before she opened the door. "Sorry," she mumbled, keeping her head down so that Armand might not notice her red eyes.
Without a word, he put an arm around her and led her out of the restaurant and back to their car. He helped her into the passenger's seat and climbed in beside her, and then he turned and looked seriously at her. "I think we need to talk," he said, making her turn to look at him. "We can do it here, or I'll take you somewhere quiet, but we are going to talk tonight. Where's it to be?"
"There's nothing to talk about," she said, tears running down her face again. "I'm fine, just a little tired."
"You are not fine," he countered. "Look at you."
"I just did," she cut in, her voice shaky. "I look awful. I feel awful. I'm a dreadful mother and a dreadful wife. You would all be better off without me."
"Don't talk such rubbish," he said bracingly, but he leaned over and gathered her into his arms, holding her tightly and kissing her hair. "I know it's difficult having the twins to care for. I think you are wonderful the way you do everything, darling. You are the best wife I could possibly have, and I wouldn't change you for the world."
Gill positively bawled at his words, clinging to him despite the discomfort of the gear stick poking her in the ribs. Armand patted her back comfortingly and called her every sweet name that he could think of in both French and English, until he decided that she had cried enough. He pulled his handkerchief from his pocket and pressed it into her hands. "My shirt is all wet," he said lightly.
"Sorry," she sniffed, drying her eyes. "Can we go home now, please?"
"Not yet," he said, knowing that he would not be able to talk to her once they got home. She would immediately try to do a whole host of things, leaving him to fall asleep on his own again. "I still need you to talk to me, Gill. I'm worried about you, and I want to know what I can do to make you feel better."
"I don't think there's anything you can do," she said with a sniff. "I just have to try harder."
"I'm not sure that is the answer," he replied. "You already do too much. I don't want you doing more and ending up making yourself ill."
Gill screwed his handkerchief up into a ball and pulled at it nervously. "Please can we go now?" she asked. "I'm worried about the twins."
Armand sighed, realizing that he was not going to get anything else out of her. He leaned forward and lightly kissed her, but found her unresponsive, so he released her abruptly and started the car. He drove back up to the Platz in silence, aware that she was crying quietly beside him, yet not knowing what else he could say to her. When they pulled up outside their chalet, she got out and hurried up to the front door, eager to see the twins having been away from them for so long. Hélène opened the door and Gill noticed that the house was very quiet. Hélène looked as serene as ever as she greeted Gill and Armand. Hans was sitting on the settee, his legs stretched out in front of him and the newspaper in his hands. It seemed to be a different house from the one that she had left just a few short hours ago, Gill thought, wondering what had been going on in her absence.
"How were they?" Armand asked, closing the door behind him.
"Like baby angels," Hélène answered with a smile. "We fed them and changed them and they went straight to sleep, so we put them upstairs in their cots. We haven't heard a sound from them since then."
"Did you have a nice evening?" Hans inquired.
"Lovely," Gill lied, fixing on an artificial smile.
"We would be happy to come back again next time you want to go out," Hélène said, slipping her hand through Hans' arm. "It's been a pleasure."
Once Hans and Hélène had declined coffee and gone home, Armand locked up and hurried upstairs to see what Gill was doing. He was worried that she would be crying somewhere, but he found her already in bed, pretending to be asleep. He changed into his pyjamas and climbed into bed beside her, reaching out to draw her into his arms. He had been thrilled at the thought of going to bed at the same time as her, perhaps having a chance to regain some of their former intimacy, but she lay impassively at his side and he had to content himself with holding her close and falling asleep.
The next morning Armand managed to creep off to work without waking Gill or the twins. He knew they had both woken in the night and that she had spent a long time in her armchair, looking unapproachable. He could almost have cried himself, peeping at her from lowered lashes and seeing how utterly wretched she was, yet unable to get close to her or to help her at all. He left a little note by the kettle, explaining that he had not wanted to disturb her, lest she should think he had been unwilling to risk another scene with her, and had drawn a little heart at the bottom, with her name in it, so that she would know that he loved her.
#3:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 4:41 pm
    —
When Gill awoke it was late and both babies were crying at the full pitch of their lungs. She tried not to think as she scooped them both up and took them downstairs, not even having time to make coffee or toast before she fed them. By the time she got into the kitchen to make breakfast it was mid morning; she discovered Armand's note and felt a warm glow inside as she read it.
After breakfast, she put the twins in the big double pushchair and took them to the shop. When she had the chance, Gill enjoyed walking in the sunshine with the babies. It was nice to see something of the world outside her chalet, and to actually see other adults. The motion of the pushchair usually soothed the twins and they would often sleep well after one of their little outings. Mindful of Armand's comments, Gill bought some spaghetti and other ingredients to try to emulate their delicious meal from the previous evening. She had a pleasant walk, even feeling her spirits lightening a little, and resolved to get out more often. It was something she knew she ought to do, although it was often difficult to make the effort to get dressed and out before it grew too hot for the twins. As she went back home, Gill made up her mind that she would try harder to make that effort, though, for it would be beneficial to both the twins and to herself.
In order to show Armand that there was nothing wrong with her, Gill worked as hard as she could and managed to get a line of washing out, the dinner prepared and all of the vacuuming done. She skipped her own lunch to manage it all, settling instead for an extra cup of coffee. In the afternoon, once she had settled the twins again, Gill was just preparing to go and clean the bedrooms when there was a knock at the door. She went to answer it, wondering who could possibly be calling on her, and found a slim and elegant lady standing on the doorstep.
"Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed. "Jacynth! What are you doing here? Come in at once!"
Jacynth Hardy, rising star of the musical world, stepped over the threshold and embraced her friend warmly. "Gill," she said, "It's wonderful to see you. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine," Gill answered nonchalantly. "What brings you to Switzerland?"
"I've not been well," Jacynth explained, releasing Gill. "Oh, don't worry, it's nothing catching. I've been poorly all winter with one chest infection after another and now I just feel wheezy all the time. I was told to get some good healthy mountain air and so I thought of you." Jacynth picked up her large bag from the doorstep and closed the front door. "Gay said it would be fun to drop in unannounced, so here I am."
"Trust Gay," said Gill. "How is she?"
"She's fine. Where are your twins? I've been dying to see them."
"I've just put them down to sleep," said Gill, who was not having either of them disturbed for anyone, however close a friend they might be. "Come and have a look."
Jacynth eagerly looked into the bassinets and gasped when she saw the babies. "They are so different!" she exclaimed. "And so sweet. Arminel is tiny, isn't she?"
"She is," agreed Gill. "But Armand says she is very healthy."
"I'm looking forward to meeting him, too," said Jacynth. "Fancy, you have been married for so long and this will be the first time I have seen your husband."
"He will be here soon," Gill realized. "Will you stay here with us? We have a spare room. It's tiny, but you are more than welcome to have it."
"I would love to stay," said Jacynth happily. "It will be so nice to catch up with all the news. It gets lonely always travelling round."
"I'll make some tea," suggested Gill. "Sit down and I'll bring it in to you. We can eat when Armand gets back."
Once Jacynth had been settled on the settee, Gill went into the kitchen to make some tea for them. Jacynth was one of her oldest friends, but since she had begun playing her cello in concerts worldwide, Gill had hardly seen her at all. Now it seemed that she would be staying for a while, Gill was thrilled. At last she had someone she could talk to, someone who could, perhaps, help her feel a little more like her old self again. She made a pot of tea, found a packet of biscuits and spent a happy hour reminiscing with Jacynth. When Armand came home, he found Gill looking brighter. She was still a little reserved, but at least she smiled at him when he came in. She introduced him to Jacynth, about whom he had heard a lot, and he repeated Gill's invitation for Jacynth to stay with them. When Armand went off to change his clothes, Jacynth followed Gill into the kitchen, to see if she could help with the meal.
"He's very nice," said Jacynth in a low voice, so that Armand would not hear her.
Gill chuckled. "Yes," she agreed, "He's wonderful."
Jacynth confessed to feeling exhausted not long after dinner, and so Gill showed her up to her room. She made sure that Jacynth had everything she needed, and then left her friend to have a bath and go to bed, warning her that theirs was not a quiet home. Jacynth chuckled and explained that she was used to sleeping on planes and trains and would have no trouble whatsoever sleeping in Gill's lovely home.
Gill returned to the sitting room, where Armand was reading the paper.
"You don't mind if Jacynth stays, do you?" Gill asked him.
"No, not at all," he assured her. "Any friend of yours is welcome, Gill, at any time. She seems really nice, and it will be lovely for you to have some company. You seem happier already."
Gill managed to smile at him. "Yes, I feel much better," she said. "I'm sorry I spoilt your evening yesterday."
"You never spoil my evenings," he said with a smile. "Come and sit down for a moment, while the twins are quiet." He patted the seat beside him invitingly. "Come on," he added, as it seemed as though she would refuse, "Five minutes, that's all." More to keep the peace than because she wanted to, Gill sat down next to him. He put his arms around her and leaned down to kiss her, so she made a big effort to kiss him back as if nothing was wrong. He smiled at her, obviously wanting to be convinced that she was feeling better. "I've missed you so much," he told her. "I know we have both been here, but I haven't held you like this for so long."
"There's never time," she pointed out.
"Then we should make time," he answered. "I don't want you to feel miserable again, Gill. I don't want you to feel that you can't talk to me. It never used to be like this between us."
Gill realized that Armand thought she was feeling better. Not wishing to disillusion him, she leaned her head against his shoulder, wondering if she would ever feel better. She had enjoyed seeing Jacynth and talking to her, but it had been a brief interlude amongst so much misery that she did not think it would make much difference in the long run. She was still a dreadful mother and a dreadful housewife, and a dreadful wife, too, because she really did not want to be cuddling up with Armand. She loved him dearly, but there was no way that she was going to fall pregnant again. It was hard enough having two babies; if there were any more she knew that there was no way she could even pretend to be coping.
When Arminel started crying, Gill was actually relieved. She pulled away from Armand, trying not to notice how disappointed he looked, and took up the baby. She watched as Armand turned his attention back to the newspaper, knowing that he would not give up so easily. She would have to keep very busy now, to avoid letting him near her.
The bedtime routines completed, Gill went off to bed and was thankful to find Armand already fast asleep. Although she would have loved to feel him wrapping his arms around her and telling her that he loved her despite her failings, she had to content herself with looking across the pillows at him and falling asleep with tears in her eyes as she thought of how she was hurting him.
Jacynth emerged from her room the next day to find Gill and Armand already having breakfast. It was Armand's day off, so he was still in his pyjamas, and the twins were both in the playpen fed and content for the time being at least.
"Good morning," Gill greeted her friend. "Come and sit down. What would you like for breakfast?" As she spoke, Gill tried not to notice how wonderful Jacynth was looking, even so early in the morning. Her dressing gown was made of dark red silk and looked absolutely immaculate. Her hair was as sleek as if she had just stepped out of a salon and although she was pale, she did not have the washed-out look that Gill herself sported. Furthermore, Gill's pyjamas looked all wrinkled, for she no longer bothered to iron them, she had already managed to get jam on the front of them, and Arminel had dribbled milk all over her shoulder, just to add to the unkempt effect.
"Did you sleep well?" Armand asked, pouring some coffee for their guest. "Do you take sugar?"
"I slept very well, thank you," answered Jacynth, sitting down opposite him. "I did think I heard someone crying in the early hours, but it didn't really disturb me. I'm happy with a piece of toast, thank you, Gill."
Gill provided toast, butter and jam for her friend and sat down again. As she sipped her coffee, Armand asked Jacynth about her career and Jacynth positively sparkled as she talked about her last tour of Australia and New Zealand. She told Gill about Gay, the third member of their triumvirate, and Gay's own twins, Ruth and Jill. According to Jacynth, Gay had not changed at all. She was happily married and did not look a day older than she had when they had left school so many years earlier. Although glad to hear that Gay was well, Gill could not help but think how she herself had changed, and not for the better either. Gay had had twins and had evidently coped well, while Gill had twins, too, and was falling apart.
"I'll take the babies out for a walk," said Armand, finishing his coffee and standing up. "It will do them good to have some fresh air."
"Yes, they enjoyed the walk to the shop yesterday," Gill said, just to show him that she did appreciate the importance of fresh air and did not neglect it altogether.
"Why don't you come with me?" he suggested, looking across at Gill, but including both women in his invitation. "It would do you good, too."
"That would be lovely," said Jacynth. "I would like to have a look around the Platz."
"I will stay here and get the lunch," said Gill. "It's a good chance to get something done while the twins are out of the way."
"Are you sure?" asked Armand, still sounding hopeful.
"Quite sure," she answered firmly. "Maybe you could buy some chicken while you are out. I'll roast it for dinner tomorrow."
Once she had finished her breakfast, Jacynth changed into a floaty pale blue dress and looked both fresh and dainty as she left the house with Armand and the twins. Gill poured herself another cup of coffee and set to work on cleaning up the kitchen and getting some meat ready to have with the spaghetti for lunch. She accomplished a lot while the house was so quiet and actually began to feel that it looked cleaner and tidier than it had done for some time. As she dusted the sitting room, the others returned home, Jacynth and Armand laughing together over some amusing tale that one or other of them had told, and the twins looking absolutely delightful with roses in their cheeks.
"The Platz is so beautiful," Jacynth told her friend as she sank down into an armchair. "I can understand why you are so happy here."
Armand returned from the kitchen, carrying a cup of tea and some biscuits for Jacynth. "Here you are," he said, smiling at her as he passed her the cup.
As he returned to the kitchen Jacynth said, "He is an absolute sweetie, Gill. I almost envy you your marital bliss."
Before she could reply, Armand had returned with tea for Gill and himself. He put the cups on the coffee table and went over to Gill, removing the duster from her hand and drawing her over to the settee with him. "We met Mrs. Maynard," he said. "She insisted on Jacynth going over there for tea, and taking you and the twins along as well. I said that you would love to go."
Thinking of Freudesheim, always clean, though not necessarily tidy, and full of happy, smiling people, Gill was tempted to refuse point blank. "That would be nice," she said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "I expect she was surprised to see you, Jacynth?"
"Yes, very shocked," said Jacynth with a laugh. "Her face was a picture!"
Armand laughed. "Yes," he agreed. "It was as if she had seen a ghost. Once she had recovered she was delighted at the thought of news of Gay, though, so you must go and hear all the details, Gill. I know you have missed Gay and Jacynth since you have been here."
When she had finished her tea, Gill went into the kitchen to get the dinner. She found that she had actually done a good job with it. For the first time in more than a week she had managed to cook something that looked really appetising, and she served out three platefuls with a certain degree of pride. She had also cooked some vegetables for the twins, and had them ready, too, for they would soon be required. In the middle of the meal, Arminel decided that she could wait no longer for her food, and began screaming, and would not touch her vegetables, so Gill was obliged to abandon her own lunch and settle down to feed the baby. As she sat in the armchair, she looked over to the dining table, where Armand and Jacynth were deep in conversation, and she felt absurdly jealous.
Telling herself that she was being ridiculous, Gill looked down at Arminel, noticing how pretty she looked with the faint colour she had got from her walk. She was looking solemnly up at Gill as she fed, as if wondering why her mother was always looking so upset. Gill smiled at the baby and cuddled her more closely even as tears came into her eyes. She could not believe how she could cry so easily when she had everything – a wonderful, caring husband, two beautiful healthy babies and a delightful home. Hoping that Armand and Jacynth would take their time over the meal, Gill dried her eyes on the sleeve of her pyjamas. She promised herself that she would do her best to pull herself together and stop behaving so irrationally. Instead she would remind herself of all the good things in her life and she would try to enjoy them more, then, perhaps, she would actually get some pleasure from things again.
Armand and Jacynth finally finished their meal and Jacynth insisted on doing the washing up. Armand made tea again and came to sit on the settee near Gill, with Louis on his lap. He gave Louis his vegetables, pleased with the way his son was learning to eat so well. "He's amazing, isn't he," the proud father observed. "Before we know it they will be running around all over and then they'll be off to school."
"I can't imagine that," said Gill.
"I do love having a baby to look after, though," Armand went on.
Somehow Gill managed not to point out that he was seldom around to do much of the actual 'looking after'; he was very good with the twins when he was around and one of them had to go out to work, after all. "It will be better when they are older, though, won't it?" Rather than the statement she had planned, it came out more as a nervous question.
"Of course it will," he answered bracingly. "They are already better than they were when they were really tiny, aren't they?"
"Yes, I suppose so," she agreed. "But it's still so hard, Armand. They take all my time and all my energy."
"I know they do," he said gently, relieved that she was opening up to him, albeit just a little. "But they won't be tiny forever and then it will be easier." He brought Louis over to Gill and took Arminel from her, just as Jacynth appeared from the kitchen.
"Oh, please may I hold her?" asked Jacynth eagerly.
"Of course," said Armand, gently passing her the baby.
Seeing them standing close together, Gill was engulfed by another wave of jealousy so painful that it almost made her cry out. How could Armand help but compare her with her friend, she wondered. Jacynth was slender and Gill could not shift the last of the flab that she had acquired whilst pregnant. Jacynth was well-groomed and Gill always looked untidy and unkempt. Jacynth's hair was sleek and shiny; Gill's was permanently dishevelled. Jacynth had been ill, but still laughed and obviously enjoyed life and Gill was moody and miserable. If it came down to a choice, Gill doubted that she would stand a chance. She bit her lip and concentrated on feeding Louis.
Jacynth sat down with Arminel, talking to her in a silly voice and making Arminel laugh. Armand, who had noticed Gill's dejection, perched on the arm of her chair and slung his arm around her shoulders. "What's up?" he asked.
"Nothing," she replied in a brittle voice. For a moment she was tempted to scream at him, telling him all her woes, real and imagined, but somehow she stopped herself. She looked down at Louis, gritting her teeth to stop herself from crying, and decided that she would have to get out of going to Freudesheim somehow. There was no way she could put on a brave enough face to fool Jo Maynard, that expert in people reading. One look would be enough to tell Jo everything, and then everyone would know how weak and contemptible she was.
Armand rubbed the back of her neck, deciding that as soon as he was back at work he would have a quiet talk with some of his colleagues and see if they had any ideas about ways in which he could help Gill. She was starting to worry him now, and he hoped that someone would be able to suggest something that he could do to make her feel better.
In the end, the visit to Freudesheim went surprisingly well. Jo had been so thrilled to see Jacynth that she had focused all of her attention on that young lady, drawing her out about Gay and her family and her experiences in Australia. Con and Margot were both home, and they happily took Louis and Arminel into the garden and played with them in the shade of the big tree that the Maynard babies had all played under. Jo plied her guests with Anna's special fruit cordial and her deliciously light lemon biscuits and Gill was able to relax and enjoy listening to Jacynth's fascinating descriptions of the land down under. Jo offered Jacynth the use of Cecil's cello for the duration of her visit, and Jacynth arranged some times when she could come over to Freudesheim and practice. Her own cello had been left in Australia, in Gay's care, for she was not expecting to stay long on the Platz and had intended to have a complete rest.
As they walked back to Gill's chalet, Jacynth continued to chat to her friend, whilst secretly wondering why Gill was so quiet. Always sensitive, she felt that all was not well with her friend and she decided that she would try to persuade Gill to open up to her. It would need to be done carefully, though, for Gill had always been a very private person, not one to shout her worries from the rooftops.
Jacynth bided her time with Gill. She did her best to help her friend with the twins and the chores in the house, but Gill did not like to impose on her and often refused Jacynth's help. She kept reminding Jacynth that she was supposed to be resting, and would send her off into the garden with a cool drink and instructions to sit quietly and read a book until dinner time, or tea time, whichever happened to be appropriate.
Armand duly had a chat with some of his colleagues and discovered that some of them felt he should tell Gill to pull herself together. She was evidently a pretty poor wife, they said, not being able to keep up with two children, when several of their own wives had four or five children and still managed to keep the house clean and tidy and have dinner on the table as they walked through the door each evening. A few of his other colleagues were more interesting to talk to, and Armand discovered that they believed that it was possible for a woman to become unnaturally sad after giving birth, especially if she had had more than one baby. They spent a long time telling him all about some new drugs that were being developed to help women who were depressed, although their descriptions of the side effects of these drugs shocked him and made him pray that Gill would not need them.
Over the next few days he did his best to help out with the twins. He tried to persuade Gill to give up breastfeeding, because then he would be able to get up in the night instead of her and he could help her more if the twins were bottle fed. Gill refused to give up, however, explaining that it was much easier for her to feed the babies, as it meant she had no need to spend hours washing bottles and making up feeds for them. It also meant that she had to spend time sitting down, although she did not tell Armand that. If he knew that she wanted a good excuse to sit down and rest when she did virtually nothing around the house as it was, he would probably insist on the babies being bottle fed at once.
#4:  Author: KathrynW, Location: London PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 5:09 pm
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Thanks Becky, it's really good to see this again Very Happy
#5:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 6:06 pm
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KathrynW wrote:
Thanks Becky, it's really good to see this again Very Happy


Ditto Very Happy
#6:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 7:23 pm
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I'm afraid this is really long. Sorry if I'm boring you.

On Saturday Armand had hoped to persuade Gill to go to Interlaken, to show Jacynth around. He had it all planned; they would take the twins' pushchair in the boot of the car and would walk around the town and visit the park. They could take milk in bottles and feed the twins in a quiet restaurant at lunchtime, and generally enjoy a family day out. At the last minute, Gill had decided that she did not want to drag the twins around the town, but had insisted on Armand taking Jacynth as planned. It did not seem fair to stop her friend from exploring the area just because she felt tired. She waved them off and as soon as they had gone she wished that she had gone with them. Now she would be stuck at home all alone, as she was every day, with just the twins for company. She would be obliged to do another load of washing, clean the bathroom and change the sheets on the beds.
With a heavy sigh, Gill started on her workload. She spent the day dividing herself between the babies and the housework, accompanied by increasingly blacker thoughts. As she nibbled unenthusiastically on a cheese sandwich at lunch time she wondered what would happen if she tripped downstairs and broke her leg or her arm. Then she would be unable to do anything and she would finally have time to herself. She pondered that for a long time as she rinsed the washing and hung it out to dry, but then found herself thinking about what would happen if it was her neck that she broke in the fall. Armand would be free to find himself a better wife and the twins could have a new mother, one who was able to care for them suitably. No one would miss her; she had no friends now, as she never went anywhere to see anyone. Her family was quite happy without her. She received occasional letters from her sisters, but seldom managed to write a reply now, so they would not miss her if she was dead.
With a shock, Gill realized that she was contemplating dying. Giving herself a mental shake, she finished hanging out the washing and went into the house. The twins were in the playpen, both wide awake and practicing their skills of rolling over and grabbing anything that they could grab. She sat down beside the playpen and lifted Louis out, cuddling him tightly, telling herself it was wrong to think such things. How could she contemplate leaving her children motherless after she herself had been motherless from such a young age? She still recalled the grief she had felt when her mother died and remembered how long it had taken her to get over it. How could she begin to think of putting her own children through such heartache? 'But they are too young to remember you' a little voice in her head whispered seductively. 'They will never know any different.'
As if she realized that Louis was getting preferential treatment, Arminel started to wail, so Gill lifted her out as well and held the two of them in her arms. Arminel lunged against Gill's cheek, as if kissing her, and Gill burst into tears. How could she ever contemplate leaving her babies? Gill sobbed for a long time, until it was clear that the twins were upset, too, and she had to pull herself together for their sakes. She settled herself in the armchair, arranged some cushions and decided to try to feed the two of them together. Somehow she managed to get them both into position, and although it felt very precarious, she wondered if it could turn out to be a timesaving measure; it would halve her feeding times if she could feed the two of them together.
Both babies fell asleep as she fed them, and so she settled them back in their bassinets again. As she wearily sorted out the old newspapers and put them in the bin, she found herself wondering if her death would make the headlines in the local paper. Probably not, she realized; she was hardly important enough to make even an inch on some little-read inside page. Having a headache after her crying, Gill decided that she would take some paracetamol. She found the bottle in the kitchen cupboard and filled a glass with water. She sipped the water and looked thoughtfully at the little bottle in her hands. It would be so easy to settle down on the sofa and take all the tablets, she realized. And why wash them down with water when there was probably a bottle of sherry around somewhere? Sherry was wonderful stuff, it helped you forget your woes, for a while anyhow.
Gill collected the bottle of sherry and went to sit on the settee. She pulled the coffee table close to her and put the bottles on it, side by side. She sat with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands and looked thoughtfully at both bottles. It would be so easy to open them and have a sip of sherry and then a couple of tablets, another sip of sherry and another couple of tablets…

Armand and Jacynth returned from Interlaken, having spent much of the day talking about Gill. Armand was relieved when Jacynth had broached the subject and had eagerly listened to her concerns about her friend. He told her all that the doctors had said about depression, and Jacynth agreed that the tablets sounded more fearsome than Gill's current misery. It was difficult to know how to help Gill, though, for she was obstinate in the extreme and seldom admitted to wanting or needing help. They went shopping and Armand bought Gill some of her favourite perfume and some chocolates and a huge bouquet of flowers in the hope of cheering her up, and then they headed off to the Platz again.
When they arrived at the Laroches' pretty chalet, Armand let them in. It was all quiet, so he hoped that Gill had had a good day, and maybe managed to catch up on some sleep. When she did not come to meet him, he worried that she was still avoiding him, then he noticed her lying on the settee. In the same moment he saw the sherry bottle and the little bottle of tablets and his heart flew into his mouth. What had she done?
He dropped all the shopping on the floor at Jacynth's feet and pelted across to the motionless form on the settee. The doctor in him was advising him to be calm, but the husband in him just could not manage that. Weeping, he gathered her inert form into his arms, trying to feel for a pulse as he buried his face in her hair. Then he felt her moving, trying to sit up, and he released her, looking shocked as she stared at him in amazement.
"What's wrong?" she demanded, thinking there must be some problem with the twins. "Armand, what's happened?"
"That's what I would like to know," he shot back at her. "Gill, whatever were you doing?"
As she noticed the two bottles on the table, Gill blushed. "Oh, I was just being foolish," she said with a sniff.
Armand seized her in his arms again, holding her so tightly that she could hardly breathe. "I am not letting you out of my sight again," he vowed.
Seeing that there was nothing she could do, Jacynth tactfully withdrew into the kitchen.
Gill slid her arms around Armand's waist and rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "Armand, I need you to help me."
"I'll do anything," he promised. "But please don't do this again, Gill."
"I'm just so unhappy," she told him. "I feel miserable all the time."
"I know you do," he said, kissing away the tears that had started to roll down her white cheeks again. "It's something that often happens to women who have just had a baby. Everyone thinks they should be so happy and yet all they do is feed and change the baby and get no sleep and still have to do everything they had to do before the baby was born. And when you have two babies, it's worse. You have twice as much to do with the babies and that is without even starting on the other things you think you should do. It's not nice, but it's quite normal."
"Really?" she asked, sounding suddenly hopeful.
"Really," he assured her. "Now, let me get you some tea and then we can let Jacynth out of the kitchen!"
At the mention of her friend's name, Gill felt the familiar stab of jealousy. "Are you…Do you…like her…more than me?" she asked, half afraid of hearing the answer.
"No," he answered categorically. "I don't like anyone better than you. In fact, I don't like anyone even half as much as I like you. Please let me go and make some tea, darling, I'm desperately in need of some after that shock."
Gill kissed his cheek, aware of a tiny little flicker of hope growing inside her. Maybe Armand could help her. Perhaps he would be able to get her through her nightmare and help her to be happy again. "Thank you," she said gratefully.
Armand went to the kitchen, where Jacynth had already made tea. As he returned to Gill, he remembered the shopping he had done in Interlaken, and he went to rescue the flowers. "I'm sorry," he said, handing them to her. "I think I've spoilt them by throwing them on the floor."
Gill gave him a watery smile. "Thank you," she said. "They are beautiful."
Jacynth came in with a vase that she had found in the kitchen. "Shall I put them in water for you?" she asked.
"Yes, please." Gill handed over the flowers and Jacynth spent some time arranging them. Armand sat down next to Gill again and gave her the other gifts he had brought, and she was touched by his concern for her. "Oh, Armand, thank you," she said, snuggling closer into his arms. "You are so wonderful."
Armand held her close to him, hardly able to believe how close he had come to losing her. "So are you ready to tell me what happened this afternoon?" he asked softly.
"Oh, nothing really," she answered. "I only had one tablet, as I had a headache. I did think of taking them all, but somehow I just couldn't."
Thank goodness," he said fervently. "And the sherry?"
"That was harder to resist," she admitted. "I didn't have any, though."
Jacynth put the flowers in the middle of the dining table and came over to sit opposite her friend. "Gill, I'll sit with the twins tonight," she said. "I've done so little the last few days that I don't feel tired any more. Leave me some milk for them and go off and have a nice warm bath and a good night's sleep."
"What a good idea," said Armand before Gill could answer. "Thank you, Jacynth."
"Thank you," Gill echoed, knowing that she would love an undisturbed night.
Jacynth was as good as her word. Once Gill had given the twins their evening feed, she went up to spend half an hour relaxing in the bath, then she put on clean pyjamas and headed for bed. She had feared that Armand would be waiting for her, for despite his kindness that day, she still had absolutely no intention of giving him any encouragement that might lead to a second pregnancy. With a sigh, she settled down in bed and although she had expected to lie awake, she fell into a deep sleep as soon as her head touched the pillow. During the night she was vaguely aware of someone crying, but it was so far away that she took no notice. She did not awaken until Armand's alarm began ringing, as he had to be at work that morning.
"I'm sorry to wake you," he said, leaning over her and gently caressing her pale cheek. "How are you feeling today?"
"Better," she said, realizing how much better a long sleep could make you feel.
He kissed her lingeringly, wishing that he did not have to go to work. "Shall I bring you breakfast in bed?" he asked.
"No, I'd better go and see how Jacynth is," said Gill, sitting up so quickly she bumped her head into his nose, making his eyes water. "Sorry," she said, slipping out of bed before he could get any ideas. She left the bedroom without looking at him again, for she did not want to see the hurt look she knew he would be wearing.
In the living room she found Jacynth fast asleep on the settee, while the twins were slumbering peacefully in their bassinets. Four empty bottles were on the table, so Gill guessed that Jacynth had had a busy night. She woke her friend and offered her breakfast, but Jacynth said she thought she would go and have a shower first. She assured Gill that the twins had been no trouble, just waking and being fed and going straight back to sleep once more. Gill went through to the kitchen and started making breakfast. She made a big pot of coffee and decided to cook scrambled eggs on toast, as it was a favourite breakfast of both Jacynth and Armand. She put everything on the table and went off to tell them that it was ready.
As she reached the hall, she was just in time to hear Armand saying, "…or she'll be upset. But please don't leave…"
Gill saw that Jacynth was following Armand down the stairs. With the triumphant air of one who has been vindicated, she screamed at them both. "I knew it! I knew you were having an affair! I hate you both!" She shoved past them, almost knocking Jacynth down the stairs as she went, and they heard her slamming the bedroom door so hard that the chalet shook.
Armand and Jacynth looked at one another, puzzled by her actions. "I think it's better if I leave," said Jacynth, turning and heading up the stairs again.
Armand returned upstairs, too. He tried to open the bedroom door, but he could not, which was hardly surprising as she was sitting on the floor leaning against it, crying bitterly. He knocked on the door, calling her name.
"Go away," she shouted.
"Gill, let me in," he called back. He pushed the door a little harder and managed to open it a crack. "Gill, let me in," he repeated, more gently this time. "Please open the door."
"Leave me alone!" she yelled. She got up and the door flew open, almost throwing Armand to the floor with its sudden movement. Gill pulled her suitcase out from under the bed and opened the wardrobe. She started pulling out her clothes and tossing them into the case.
"Where are you going?" he asked curiously.
"Away," she snapped back. "Then you and Jacynth can forget all about me."
"I am not having an affair with Jacynth," he pointed out patiently. "I am more than happy with you. Now stop this irrational behaviour and come downstairs. I can hear Arminel crying."
Wiping her tears on the sleeve of her pyjama jacket, Gill paused for a moment and heard the baby wailing, too. "Sort it out then," she said.
"I think she wants you," he said gently. "Gill, please come downstairs and feed her."
"You will have to get used to doing it all yourself," she said, her voice brittle. She found some more clothes and threw them untidily on top of the case, then started pulling open drawers and adding more things to the pile.
Feeling completely out of his depth, Armand considered trying to give her a dose of something to calm her down. She would probably throw it at him, though, he realized, unless he could persuade her to halt her precipitate actions first. Taking a deep breath, he crossed the room and caught hold of her, crushing her against him despite the way she struck out at him and tried to push him away. He held her tightly, not saying anything, just waiting for her anger to pass and for the arrival of the tears that he knew would be close behind. Slowly she abandoned her struggle. They heard Arminel's wails get louder and then Jacynth ran lightly downstairs and the baby quietened. Finally, Gill stopped fighting him and almost collapsed against him, breaking down and sobbing in his arms. He continued to hold her, still unsure what was the best thing to do.
A long while later she finally became quiet. Her body was still shaking with sobs, but he thought that she might be ready to listen to him at last. Nervously he loosened his grip on her, hoping that she would not take the chance of escaping, and he tipped her face upwards, making her look up at him. Sending up a quick prayer to help him choose the right words, he wiped away the tears from her cheeks with a gentle finger. "Please don't go," he said. "We really need you here. I can't manage without you, Gill. You are my whole world and I don't know what I would do if you were gone."
"How can you say that?" she asked, her voice husky after all her crying and shouting. "I heard what you were saying to Jacynth."
"I was asking her not to leave you alone," he explained. "But without you noticing or you would have been upset. Jacynth means nothing to me; she's your friend, nothing more."
Gill looked doubtfully at him, although she did recall another time, long ago, when she had believed that he had been unfaithful to her and then had discovered that she was wrong.
"How can you not believe me?" he asked. "After all we have been through, how can you think that I don't love you?"
"I'm horrible and ugly and useless," she answered, sounding so serious about it that it almost broke his heart to hear her. "You would all be better off if I was gone."
Feeling as though they had had the same conversation a dozen times before, he said patiently, "You are none of those things. You are beautiful and sweet and loving and I absolutely adore you. You are suffering from depression, though, and I think we need to find out how to help you get over it. Running away is not the answer." More cries from the sitting room indicated that Jacynth had her hands full with Louis now awake as well. "Do you think you could come down and feed Louis?" Armand asked.
Gill nodded. She allowed Armand to take her hand and to walk her slowly downstairs, where he settled her in her favourite armchair and then brought her the baby. With a sigh, Gill started to feed him, comforted to a certain extent by the baby's warm body in her arms. Armand hovered anxiously beside her, obviously very concerned about her, but Gill felt that she had no energy left to say anything else to him. Jacynth was hovering, too, obviously feeling very uncomfortable, but Gill just did not care any more. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, wishing she could open them again in five minutes time and find that everything was back to normal, back to the way it had been when she was not miserable and irascible all the time.
"Please, don't leave her," Armand whispered to Jacynth. He disappeared into the kitchen with the telephone and conducted a hasty conversation with Jack Maynard, the head of the San, telling his superior that he would not be in to work that day, and probably not for many days to come either. Although Jack was none too pleased about it, he agreed that Armand could have the time he needed. Armand then made some fresh coffee and took a cup in to Gill, knowing how much she enjoyed her morning pick-me-up. He considered slipping something into the coffee, but decided against it. It would be better if he could spend some time with her, talking to her, or just sitting quietly beside her, rather than knocking her out for several hours.
Armand took Arminel, who had been chomping vigorously on Jacynth's finger, and pulled another chair over beside Gill's seat. He sat down next to her and distracted Arminel until her mother should be ready for her. Jacynth vanished upstairs, to return a short time later with her bag.
"I'm going," she announced unnecessarily. "Good bye, Gill, and thank you for everything."
Gill opened her eyes and turned to look at Jacynth. "What everything?" she asked nastily. "You mean my husband?"
"No, I mean your hospitality," said Jacynth calmly.
"Thank you for your help," said Armand, hoping that Gill would not misconstrue anything he said to her friend. He would have liked to offer her a lift to Interlaken, but knew that he could not leave Gill on her own again. Besides, if he said he was driving Jacynth anywhere she would probably assume that he was running off with her, and Gill was just too important to him to let that happen.
"Good bye," said Jacynth, and she was gone.
Armand managed to stop himself from rebuking Gill for her rudeness to her friend. There was no point in upsetting her further, and really it wasn't Gill talking, it was her illness. If Jacynth was any sort of friend, she would be able to cope with Gill's rudeness and not hold it against her. Gill closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair again. Armand sighed, still completely at a loss as to how to deal with his wife.
Gill fed the twins, and then Armand settled them in the playpen, where they had a variety of toys to amuse them. He grabbed a cup of coffee for himself and kept a wary eye on Gill, who was still sitting in the armchair where he had left her. He was not sure, but he felt that she was probably asleep, for she looked more peaceful than she had done for a long time, so he put a call through to his sister, Monique, to explain the situation and ask her for her advice. They talked for a long time, and when he finally hung up the phone, Armand had decided that he would try to persuade Gill to accompany him to his parents' home in France, so that Monique would be able to try to help them both get through the nightmare that was taking over their lives.
Gill spent most of the rest of the day sitting silently in the chair. It was as if she had given up living in favour of merely existing. She ate if he brought her food and fed her, and she fed the babies as he gave them to her, but otherwise she did nothing. Sometimes she stared ahead unseeingly, with tears rolling slowly down her cheeks, but it was as if she did not even notice that she was crying. Armand kept the twins busy and cooked a meal for himself and Gill, and managed to get nothing else done. For the first time he really began to realize how difficult it was to keep the house clean and tidy and look after two babies and he admired Gill even more for struggling through day after day in such a way. No wonder she was feeling miserable, he thought; after having such an exciting life in Kenya and working at St. Mildred's she was now little better than a housemaid.
By bed time Armand was exhausted. It had been very difficult to settle the twins into their cots, for they had missed their usual bath and this upset their bedtime routine. Finally, though, they were both asleep and he was able to turn his attention to the mountain of Gill's clothes that was still on their bed. He resisted the temptation to put all her clothes in a pile on the floor; she would not have done that to his things, he knew, so he hung them all up and left everything as neatly as he could. As he tidied up he thought about the phone calls he had intended to make and the flights to France he had wanted to arrange, but he had just been too busy to do it all. No wonder she often did not get any dinner for him, or forgot to buy milk or did not get the ironing done, he realized.
He returned to Gill then, kneeling on the floor in front of her and taking her hands in his. "Are you ready for bed?" he asked her gently.
"What?" she asked, her eyes focusing on him for the first time for many hours, and looking faintly surprised to see him. "What's the time?"
"It's ten o'clock," he replied. "Can I get you something?"
Gill sighed. "No, thank you," she said.
"Come on, then," he said, standing up and drawing her to her feet. "Let's go to bed."
As Armand was falling asleep the telephone rang. Thinking dreadful things about the unknown caller, he dashed downstairs and lifted the receiver.
"Hello!" He heard Monique's voice, sounding so close it was as if she was in the next room.
"Monique!" he exclaimed. "Is everything all right?"
"Yes, we're all fine," she said. "I called the airline. Your tickets will be waiting at the airport and the flight leaves at three. Can you get there in time?"
"Monique, you are fabulous," he told her. "Yes, we'll be there."
"I'll meet you at the airport this end," she promised. "It will be lovely to have you here."
"I'll be glad to see you, too," he admitted. "Thank you, Monique."
Filled with a sudden burst of energy thanks to his sister's thoughtfulness, Armand crept into the twins' room and began to fill a suitcase with their things. He left it on the landing then wondered if he could pack some of his own clothes while Gill was sleeping. The last thing he wished to do was to wake her, but he guessed it would be very difficult to get everything ready the next morning and to get to Basel in time for the three o'clock flight. Glad that Gill's case was still out, Armand shoved in a few things for himself and tried to pack some of Gill's things in more neatly. Finally, he was obliged to admit defeat; packing in the dark was very difficult.
#7:  Author: KathrynW, Location: London PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 8:12 pm
    —
Thanks Becky, it's not boring at all. It's fantastic to see it again. I'm enjoying it just as much the second time round and it's nice to be reminded how lovely Armand was. Gill was lucky to find two fantastic SLOCs!
#8:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 3:12 pm
    —
Somehow, Armand managed to get his family on the three o'clock flight. The more he tried to do anything, the more he admired Gill for all that she could do. She seemed to effortlessly get the babies ready and take them out, but really it was as bad as a full scale military expedition. Finally, though, he had the cases packed, the babies dressed and everything ready. Gill had seemed a little brighter when he had explained that he was taking them to France, and she had managed to get herself dressed and to add a few more things to the cases. She had been very quiet all the way to the airport, sitting beside him and gazing out unseeingly at the beautiful countryside they passed, but she had been helpful at the airport, carrying Louis and the bag that contained their passports while he arranged for a porter to sort out the luggage and checked them in for the flight.
Once they had reached Nice, Armand looked around eagerly for his sister. She was already waiting for them, and when she saw them she dashed over to greet them. She kissed Armand, then turned to Gill, of whom she was very fond. "Oh, it's so wonderful to see you all," she said, putting her hand on Gill's arm. "And the twins have grown so much."
"Here, take Arminel," said Armand, passing the baby over to her. He checked that they had all the luggage and then followed the two women out of the airport. Monique had been fortunate enough to be able to park very near the exit, so they were soon loading the cases into the boot and setting off towards the lovely house where Armand and Monique had grown up.
Armand drove the car, leaving Monique to sit in the back with Gill, holding a baby each.
"It's nice to be here," said Gill suddenly, feeling that she might be able to talk to Monique. After all, there had been a lot of sadness in Monique's life, and somehow she had survived it all. Perhaps she could understand and help Gill to be as strong as she was.
At the wheel, Armand cherished pretty much the same hopes. Relieved, he glanced in the mirror and saw Gill reach out to Monique, and then Monique moved Arminel so that she could put an arm around her sister-in-law.
"I'm so glad you came," said Monique warmly. "You are going to be so spoiled while you are here that you will never want to leave."
"That sounds good to me," said Gill, knowing that Monique would be as good as her word, if not better.
By the time they reached Armand's family's home, both the twins were crying and were in need of being changed and fed. Monique whisked them off to change them, while Gill went up to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. By the time that she had been settled in a big, comfortable armchair in the little sitting room off the bedroom, Monique came back with Arminel and then brought her a mug of steaming soup.
"I thought you could drink it while you feed the babies," Monique explained, setting it down within easy reach of Gill.
"Thank you," said Gill gratefully. She knew that Monique made excellent soup that was both tasty and nutritious.
Arminel was very hungry, and Gill sat for a long time with her, gazing at her tiny face with its big blue eyes. She tried not to think of anything else, for she had discovered that it was far less upsetting to keep her mind carefully empty. Instead she concentrated on every tiny detail about Arminel, until she finally finished feeding. When Arminel sat up, she gave Gill a sweet smile and for the first time in many weeks, Gill was overwhelmed with love for her. She stood up, putting Arminel on her shoulder, and went across to the window. She looked out over the garden and saw a figure standing at the top of the path that led down to the beach. Armand was leaning on the low wall that ran round the edge of the property, gazing out across the beautiful blue water and Gill could just imagine how he would be looking. She felt very sad as she watched him, for she knew that he was rapidly becoming as miserable as she was, but she had no strength left to offer him.
As the bedroom door opened to admit Monique and Louis, Gill turned away from the window. "The soup was delicious, thank you," she said with a smile.
"I'm glad you liked it. Let me take Arminel and you can have Louis."
A short while later, Monique returned with another mug of soup for Gill. She sat down on the settee and looked questioningly at her sister in law as she fed Louis. "Has it been very bad?" she asked gently.
"Awful," said Gill, bursting into tears.
"Can I help?"
"I just feel so useless," said Gill, knowing that Monique would understand. "I can't keep the house tidy and I can't make myself look nice any more. I'm avoiding Armand because I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. He's miserable with me and I don't know how to make him happy. I seem to spend all my time feeding the babies, or changing them, or settling them down to sleep. One of them is always crying, and I'm not able to go and see what it wants, because I'm busy with the other. I just can't cope."
"I don't think anyone could," said Monique. "It's far too much for one person to do. Doesn't Armand try to help?"
"Yes, he does a lot of things," said Gill, unwilling to tell even Monique that he did not do as much as he could.
"But he could do more," suggested Monique.
Gill gave a sudden smile, even though the tears were still running down her cheeks. "He did everything yesterday," she said. "I sat in the chair all day and did nothing. He had a hard day!"
"Well good for you!" said Monique with a laugh. "Have you told him how you feel?"
"Yes, some of it," said Gill, pulling a tissue from the box beside her and wiping her eyes. "He's been trying really hard to be nice, but I know he wishes that he wasn't with me any more."
"Now I know that's not true," said Monique. "He called me yesterday and he's worried to death about you. He said he was worried that he was losing you, because you didn't seem to love him any more. Talk to him, Gill. Please?"
Gill nodded. "I'll try," she said. "Did you feel like this after you had Sophie or Pierre?"
"No, nothing like as miserable as you have been," Monique answered. "But after Sophie was born I did feel upset over nothing for the first few weeks. I didn't even like her very much and I worried that I was a bad mother."
"Really?"
"Really," said Monique. "Then, one day, she got sick. She had bronchitis and we almost lost her. She spent a week in the hospital and I could only see her for a few hours each day and that was when I knew that I loved her more than anything."
"I love the twins dearly," said Gill reflectively. "It's harder to love Arminel though, because she can be so demanding. I think the real reason I'm miserable," she went on, with a sudden flash of insight, "Is that I no longer love myself and I don't see how Armand can love me, either."
"Shall I go and get him to come up and talk to you?" asked Monique. "You need to tell him that, and listen to his answer."
"No, I'll go and find him." Gill finished feeding Louis and Monique took him from her.
"Go on," said Monique, settling down to cuddle Louis. "He's in the garden."
Giving Monique a grateful look, Gill slipped on her shoes and went off downstairs. She let herself out through the conservatory and crossed the garden. Armand was still standing by the wall, looking out across the tranquil waters of the Mediterranean, wearing the exact expression Gill had pictured him with. She stood beside him, resting her hands on the wall and watching the yacht that was just visible in the distance. "Armand," she said hesitantly, still not convinced that he could love her any more, "I'm sorry." When he did not answer, she was worried that she had lost him forever, so she decided to risk looking at him. He was already looking down at her, such tenderness in his eyes that she thought she might cry all over again. She took a deep breath and dug her fingernails into her palms and managed not to cry, but she could not stop her voice from shaking. "I don't want to have any more children," she told him, deciding to get everything said in one go. "I still love you, though, and I know you weren't attracted to Jacynth. I just can't understand how you can love me, but I really want you to carry on and I'm sorry for all the things I've thought about you. And that's it, really."
Armand had still said nothing, and just for a moment Gill was tempted to run back to the house and lock herself in the bedroom. He turned and sat down on the wall, before taking her hands and drawing her round to stand in front of him. "You don't have to have any more children," he told her seriously. "Two is plenty. You don't have to be sorry either. I should be apologising to you, because I have just left everything to you. I've done nothing to help you and yesterday I really got to see how difficult it's been for you. I think you are amazing, Gill." He pulled her closer, until her forehead was on a level with his mouth, and he kissed her gently.
Suddenly recalling how much she loved him, she threw her arms around him and found his mouth with her own. He kissed her for a long time, then drew her against him and held her tightly, hoping that she would draw some strength from him. She leaned against him, her cheek resting against his, not exactly happy, but beginning to feel that maybe she could be happy again one day.
"Thank you," she whispered in his ear.
He gave her a little squeeze. "Come into the house and have some dinner. It should be ready soon."
With their arms around each other, they walked up to the house. Monique had sent one of the servants to look after the twins, and was busy in the kitchen, serving the quiche she had made. She looked relieved as Armand and Gill appeared, both looking considerably better than she had dared hope, and still holding onto each other, as if they never planned on being separated again.

Over the next few days, Monique treated Gill as if she had been very ill and was still convalescing. She would not let her do anything in the house, and very little for the twins. She cooked nourishing food and insisted on Gill eating everything that was put in front of her. She made her sit in the garden, under a big sunshade, with her feet up and nothing to do but read a book, or the newspaper, or talk to Armand. In the evening she was sent to bed early, sleeping far away from the nursery where the twins had been ensconced. Armand was kept busy however, ferrying the twins back and forth at feeding times and playing with them in between. Monique also sent him off to Nice most days, to buy things that she suddenly discovered that she needed, and then spent ages sitting with Gill, talking about her own particular problems and listening to Gill discussing her perceived inadequacies. And, in addition to the twins, there were Monique's own children to entertain. Sophie was twelve, a quiet and polite girl who enjoyed reading and painting and who was often found on the beach sketching. Pierre, the baby, was almost three and a regular handful. He had to be watched constantly, for he was fascinated by the twins and Monique was secretly concerned that he would try to get one of them out of the cot to play with. Armand's and Monique's parents were away on holiday, and not expected back for another two weeks, for which Gill was grateful. She was very fond of them both, but the fewer people that saw her at such a low point, the better.

Almost a week after their arrival, Armand was obliged to watch as, with much giggling, Gill and Monique got ready to go shopping together. They had told him that there was no way he would be accompanying them, because the children needed to be cared for and the evening meal prepared, besides which, they preferred to have a girls' day out. Feeling pleased that Gill was so happy, Armand agreed to his sister's requests and waved them off, Pierre at his side. He had promised to play football with the little boy, and Pierre was determined to hold him to that while Monique was away. Plenty of milk had been left for the twins, along with strict instructions as to the correct preparation of the dinner, and so the two ladies set off together, knowing that they did not have to worry about Armand's ability to cope.
Monique was a firm believer in the value of retail therapy, and Nice had some of her favourite shops in the whole world, so she decided to share the pleasure with Gill. She had planned the excursion down to the last detail, and when they arrived she took Gill to a beauty salon. Monique herself did not often go to beauty salons – indeed, thought Gill, why would she when she was already so beautiful? – but when she was feeling especially low, she did enjoy being pampered.
After the salon, they went to some of Monique's favourite boutiques, and Monique revealed that she had ordered Armand to part with his credit card so that Gill could have some new clothes. They had a wonderful hour in one of the most exclusive shops in Nice, trying on all sorts of outfits and Gill was persuaded to buy some lovely new suits and dresses. She was especially happy with a pale blue linen suit, which had made her feel so much more like the Gill of old, even though it was far more elegant than most other clothes that she had ever owned.
After that, they went for lunch, giggling happily as they tried to stow their purchases under the little table they had chosen, until the restaurant manager came and offered to look after all the bags for them. He then served them personally, advising them on the best dishes on his menu and ensuring that their food arrived promptly. During the meal they chatted about their plans for the afternoon, deciding that they should visit one of the many shops that sold baby clothes, to get something new for the twins, and Monique declared that she absolutely could not live without a visit to her favourite perfumery. They did not linger over their meal, but set off again, in search of more 'therapy'.
Finally, Monique took Gill to a tasteful little boutique, where she insisted on Gill buying lots of new lingerie. "It will cheer you up no end," she said, speaking with the voice of experience. She encouraged Gill to get some new nightdresses, but not of Gill's usual sensible variety, leaving Gill hoping that it continued to be a warm summer in the Alps. Then, laden with packages and bags, they returned to the car park and filled the boot of the car with their purchases.
As she sat in the passenger's seat, Gill looked across at Monique. "Thank you so much," she said gratefully. "I have had such fun."
"I'm glad," said Monique, grinning at Gill. She had finally begun to look like the girl who had first come to France with Armand, and not the washed out, miserable specimen that had arrived just a week previously.
"Do you think Armand will approve?" asked Gill.
"Oh, yes, definitely," Monique assured her. "But you haven't done this for him, it's for you."
Gill leaned back in her seat, watching the beautiful city disappearing from view. "I know," she answered, "But I want him to be pleased, too." She realized that she would be very happy to get back to the twins; it had been a wonderful day out, but she was missing her babies. With a smile, Gill discovered that she was starting to feel a little better; she had not cried for the past couple of days, and she had actually enjoyed her day out with Monique. One thing that was worrying her, though, was the thought of going back to Switzerland. It was all very well feeling better with Monique pampering her and forbidding her do actually do anything, but once she returned to her own home, she would be right back to square one again, with all the housework to see to and the babies to cope with on her own, too.
When they got back to the house, Armand was busy in the kitchen. Monique winked at Gill and set off to track down her brother, leaving Gill to disappear upstairs with all of her bags. In the bedroom, Gill changed into the simply cut summer dress that made her look so much slimmer than she imagined herself to be, brushed her hair and sprayed on some of her new perfume. She was rewarded for her efforts when the door opened to admit Armand, still flushed from his efforts in the kitchen.
He stopped on the threshold, the words that he had been about to utter frozen on his tongue. Gill looked at him shyly, but she need not have worried.
"Oh, you look wonderful," he said, taking in every tiny detail of her appearance. He crossed the room to her side, reaching out to touch her hair; where before it had hung to her waist and been very difficult to look after, it now fell to just past her shoulders. It was still long enough to put up, but was no longer virtually unmanageable. "You see," he said in an 'I told you so' kind of voice, "I said you were beautiful, didn't I?" Gill smiled at him and he grabbed her and kissed her. "I love your hair," he told her. "It's amazing. And I hear you have lots of nice new things to show off to me tonight, too."
"Maybe," she answered enigmatically, hugging him. He really was so wonderful, she thought contentedly. "Where are the twins? I've actually missed them today."
"You had better change your clothes before you go and see them," he advised. "This dress is too gorgeous to spoil. I think I shall have to take you out to dinner tomorrow night. You need to be shown off to the world."
"I would like that very much," she admitted, changing into something more suitable for feeding the twins.
"We will eat in an hour," he told her. "Don't be late, darling."
"I won't be," she promised, kissing him once more before heading off to the nursery in search of the babies.
The twins were happy to see Gill again, laughing and cooing at her, and she felt pleased as she picked them up and cuddled them and fed them. Gill arranged with the young housemaid that was in the nursery to keep an eye on the babies that she would return to bath them herself, as she had not taken part in their bedtime routine for the past week and she felt ready to be involved with it again. She then hastened to the dining room, where Armand and Monique were already waiting for her.
Armand had done wonders with the meal. He had prepared steak and salad and new potatoes and managed to cook the whole thing to perfection. Even Monique, who had a low opinion of her brother's culinary skills, admitted that he had cooked a delicious meal. They chatted easily as they ate, enjoying one another's company, and Gill found herself wondering if the 'retail therapy' had worked as well as Monique had claimed that it would. She certainly did feel a whole lot better, she realized as she laughed with Armand at one of Monique's dreadful jokes.
After the meal, Monique went to see her own children, while Gill headed off to bath the twins and get them ready for bed. They settled well, as if happy to have their mother's attention again, and afterwards, Gill went to find Armand and Monique. Armand was sitting in the conservatory, and at she arrived, he went off to get her a cup of tea. On his return he pulled her out of her armchair and made her sit on the settee beside him.
"I feel as though I haven't seen you for months," he told her.
Not knowing whether he was referring to her absence that day, or speaking figuratively about her recent withdrawal from him, Gill made no comment.
"Listen, darling, I had to call the San today," he told her as he pulled her into the curve of his arm. "Jack Maynard is not happy about me staying here much longer. He said he wants me back at work on Monday."
At once, Gill knew that the enjoyment of the day had merely been temporary. Suddenly she was filled with dread at the thought of having to go back to their little chalet in the Alps and do everything herself again.
"How would you feel if I went back on Monday and left you here with Monique?" Armand asked, anxiously scanning her face for an indication of her reaction. "I would stay there for the week and come back here next weekend. But only if you agree," he added. "If you don't want me to go, I will call him back and tell him I resign."
"You can't do that!" Gill exclaimed. "You love working there."
"I resigned before," he reminded her, "and they took me back again. I'm quite good at what I do, you know."
"Yes, I know you are," she answered. "But what would we do if they didn't take you back again? Oh, Armand, I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to decide now," he told her. "We have a day or so to think. Now, hurry up with your tea. I'm eager to see the rest of your shopping!"
#9:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 7:25 pm
    —
When Gill woke the next morning, Armand was lying beside her, propped up on one elbow, looking down at her. When she opened her eyes, he smiled tenderly at her and gently brushed her hair off of her face. She smiled back, but her heart was not really in it. The only thing she was aware of was an all-consuming worry about whether she was pregnant again or not. She threw back the covers and reached for her old, sensible, practical dressing gown and pulled it on, tying it tightly and disappearing into the bathroom without a word.
After a warm bath, Gill felt little better - she could already feel the black clouds descending on her head once again. She dressed and decided to skip breakfast, so that she would not have to sit and suffer Armand's reproachful looks across the table. Instead she sought refuge with the twins, feeding them and playing with them for a while. She tried telling herself that it was wonderful having a baby; the twins were almost able to sit up and were very interested in each other and everything going on around them. They were fun to play with, laughing and babbling and obviously thoroughly enjoying the attention they received.
Once she had finished with the babies, Gill slipped out of the house and down the steep steps to the beach. It was a lovely sunny day, but there was enough of a breeze coming off of the sea to keep it from being unbearably hot. Gill slipped off her sandals and walked along on the edge of the water, where the waves kept coming up to her toes and then retreating again. For a while she concentrated on the beauty of the day - the tiny little clouds, so wispy and high up, the shimmering sea, sparkling where the sun caught it, the sound of the waves breaking on the rocks at the end of the beach. When she reached the end of the beach, she scrambled onto a big rock and let her feet hang into the sea. As she sat there, Gill felt the depression that had gripped her for so long return with full force. There seemed to be no end to the worries and the problems. Now she had to think about Armand going back to Switzerland. She did not want him to leave her, but she did not want to return to their chalet, either. She did not like to think of him losing his job at the San because she would not let him return to work and she knew that if she said the wrong thing he would throw everything away for her. She was relieved that he cared enough about her to do that, but she did not want to shoulder the responsibility of being the one who brought about the termination of his employment. Armand's family would, without question, have them to live in the lovely house at the top of the cliffs, but Gill did not know if she would like to live there permanently, either. All in all, she had too many decisions to make and she did not know where to start.

Unbeknown to Gill, Armand and Monique were standing together in the garden, looking down at the solitary figure on the beach. "Do you think I should go down to her?" asked Armand. He always valued his sister's opinion, as Monique was full of common sense.
"What happened to send her running off?" inquired Monique.
"I'm not sure," he answered. "We'd only just woken up."
"She's terrified of getting pregnant again," Monique said thoughtfully. "She can't imagine coping with another baby on top of everything else."
"Perhaps you should go and talk to her," suggested Armand. "Would you take her to your doctor? Maybe she could help. I really thought she was better after yesterday. She seemed just like her old self last night."
"Oh, come on," chided Monique, "You are a doctor, Armand. You know it will take more than one day to get her back to herself again. She's really depressed and it's going to take ages for her to start feeling better for longer than a couple of hours at a time."
"You're right," he said, feeling foolish. "Will you go to her or shall I?"
"I think you had better," she answered. "I'll call Dr. Molyneux and ask if she can squeeze us in this afternoon." Monique patted his arm reassuringly. "Go on down to her, and be tactful."
"I'm always tactful," he protested, but she was already on her way back to the house. Armand went down the steps to the beach and walked across the sand, his eyes fixed on the lonely little figure sitting on the rock. He sat down beside her, quietly reaching for her hand, relieved to see that although she looked infinitely sad, she was not crying.
For a long time they sat in silence, a comfortable silence, just holding hands and looking out across the sparkling blue waters. Finally, Gill wriggled closer to Armand, and he put his arm around her shoulders. "Tell me all about it," he suggested.
"I thought I was feeling better," she said quietly, "But I'm not."
"Monique is going to make an appointment for you to visit her doctor," Armand told her. "She's lovely and she will be able to help you better than I can. I just don't know enough about this sort of thing. The one thing I'm sure of is that it will take time for you to feel better. You will have good days and bad days and gradually the good days will come more often than the bad ones."
Gill sighed. "I've been thinking about you going back to Switzerland," she admitted. "Armand, I don't want you to lose your job. Not for me. I'm just not worth it."
"I think you are more than worth it," he told her with a smile. "I would rather lose a hundred jobs than lose you, Gill. I've been thinking, too. If you don't mind, I would like to go back for the week and next weekend we can decide if we can survive like that for a while. Maybe I can explain the problem to Dr. Maynard, if you don't mind, and then he might be more understanding."
"Oh, please don't tell anyone," she begged him. "Please don't let them know."
"I won't if you don't want me to," he hastily reassured her. "Come on, let's have a little walk."
Gill allowed him to draw her to her feet and they paddled together along the beach, hand in hand. "And you will come back on Friday?" she asked at length.
"Yes, as soon as I finish, I'll go straight to the airport," he promised.
"All right," she said. "I'll stay here with the twins. Will you be all right by yourself?"
"Yes, I think I'll manage," he assured her with a smile.
"Gill!" called Monique, dashing across the beach. "Gill!"
Gill turned to see what Monique wanted, her heart in her mouth until she saw that Monique was smiling. "What is it?" she asked.
"Dr. Molyneux will see you now!" Monique told her. "Can you go and get ready?"
"Yes," said Gill, feeling a little nervous about explaining her problems to a stranger.
"Don't worry," said Monique, slipping her hand through Gill's arm. "Marie is one of my oldest friends. You will love her."
"Tell her everything," said Armand. "Do you want me to come with you?"
"No, don't be silly," said Gill. "I'll be all right."
Gill was soon sitting beside Monique in the doctor's waiting room. It was a pleasant enough place, with a pile of magazines on the table, posters on the walls and a big vase of flowers on the window sill. Gill felt nervous, but she had never really liked visiting the doctor, so she guessed that was only to be expected. When the surgery door opened, a young woman with short blonde hair appeared. Seeing Monique, she came right out of her office and Monique got up and went over to greet her.
"Monique!" she exclaimed with pleasure. "It's been so long! How are you?"
"Oh, very well," Monique answered. "Marie, this is my sister-in-law, Gill. Gill, Marie and I were at school together."
Gill shook hands with the doctor. "Hello," she said. "It's nice to meet you."
"It's nice to meet you, too," said the doctor. "So you are Armand's wife. I've heard so much about you!" When Gill looked worried, the doctor smiled. "All good," she hastened to add.
"That's a relief," replied Gill.
"Come in and we can have a more private conversation," suggested Dr. Molyneux. She stood aside and Gill went into her office, another large, airy room. Dr. Molyneux sat down at her desk and waved Gill into the chair on the other side of it. "Now, how can I help you?" she asked.
Gill fiddled with her watch strap. "I had twins," she replied hesitantly. "They are six months old. Since they were born I've been, well, miserable. Maybe I have been naïve, but it's not what I expected. I thought I would be so happy, but I just feel wretched."
"Oh, you poor thing," the doctor said warmly. "I know just how you feel. My little boy is five now. After he was born I was so depressed."
"Really?" asked Gill with interest.
"It was dreadful," the doctor told her. "I felt completely worthless and I cried all the time."
"That's exactly how I feel," said Gill with a nod. "It's so hard to cope and I try so hard to get things done, but it's impossible."
Doctor Molyneux skillfully drew Gill out about her feelings and listened sympathetically. Finally, she sat back in her chair and surveyed her patient thoughtfully. "I am sure I can help you," she announced. "There are two options. Firstly, there are some drugs available that will help you to feel less depressed. I can prescribe some for you and in a couple of weeks you should notice a big improvement."
Although Gill had been on the verge of saying that she did not want drugs, the idea of noticing a big improvement appealed to her. "What is the other option?" she asked.
"The drugs that I am referring to have rather unpleasant side effects," continued Dr. Molyneux. "I tried some of them myself and I had headaches, dreadful nightmares and actually felt worse than I had when I was depressed. The other option was recommended by a colleague of mine. It's St. John's Wort, and it definitely helped me, without all the side effects. It's a natural remedy, and I would definitely recommend it. The big drawback is that you would have to give up breastfeeding."
Gill sighed. "I don't really want to," she admitted, "But I do want to stop feeling sad all the time. I don't like the idea of all the side effects, so I think I would like to try the St. whatever it's called."
"St. John's Wort," Dr. Molyneux repeated. She scribbled on a pad of prescriptions and then tore off the page. "I'd like to see you again in about a week," she said, handing the prescription to Gill. "Don't expect to be brimful of happiness as soon as you start taking these," she cautioned. "It takes a while for them to work."
"Thank you so much," said Gill gratefully.
When Gill finally left the doctor's office, she felt considerably better. The doctor had addressed all of her concerns, including her fear of falling pregnant again - the little packet in her handbag would take care of that particular worry – and she had real solutions to her problems. The tablets might not work immediately, but hopefully over the next days and weeks she would begin to get her life back again. The darkness would be slowly but surely pushed away and she could start to enjoy her time as a wife and mother. Monique was waiting patiently, and obligingly drove to a nearby pharmacy to fill the prescription, before they headed back to the house once more. By this time, Gill realized that she was feeling decidedly wobbly. She had skipped breakfast, and it was well past lunch time. She felt very hungry and wished that she had not missed her morning coffee.
However, when they arrived, Armand had made some sandwiches and the delicious smell of freshly brewed coffee assaulted their nostrils as they entered the kitchen. Sophie and Pierre were already sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling on big chunks of French bread.
"Don't eat too much," Armand warned Gill. "I've booked a lovely restaurant for us to go to this evening and I don't want you to ruin your appetite."
"You don't need to worry about that," she assured him, taking a big piece of cheese. "I should go and see the twins first, though."
"No, you shouldn't." Armand sat her down and put a plate in front of her. "First you have to tell me what happened."
Gill buttered a thick piece of bread. "She was really nice," she told him, "and she's given me some tablets that she thinks might help."
"What about the side effects?" asked Armand anxiously.
Gill repeated what the doctor had told her, and Armand pronounced himself satisfied with the treatment. He affectionately ruffled her hair and went off to pour her some coffee.

In the evening Gill dressed in some more of her new clothes, put her hair up with unaccustomed ease and sprayed herself with her new perfume. Feeling hopeful, she picked up her handbag and went off to the nursery, just to check that the twins really were sleeping. Going downstairs, she met Armand in the hall. He was casually dressed, but looked almost breathtakingly handsome.
"Are you ready to go?" he asked her.
"Yes," she answered, liking the way that he was looking at her.
"You look lovely," he told her. "I'm going to send you shopping with Monique a lot more often!"
Gill slipped her arm through his, feeling her heart beating faster as she touched him. She recalled the last time they had tried to have a romantic dinner together. This time she knew it was going to be better, more like the days before the twins were born.
Armand was thinking the same thing. "We are going to have the most wonderful evening," he told her.
They drove away along the coast road and finally reached a small town. Armand pulled off the main road and then parked outside a quaint looking restaurant. It proved to be a typically French place, obviously very old, dimly-lit and romantic. They were shown to a table in a quiet corner and were soon sipping a tasty wine that was advertised as locally produced. Once they had placed their orders, Armand leaned across and took Gill's hand in his own.
"I booked my flight this afternoon," he told her. "I will leave here tomorrow evening at about six. Are you sure you will be all right if I go?"
She wanted to tell him that she would be far from all right if he left, but she knew he had to go. They had to try to get some degree of normality back into their lives, so he needed to return to work and leave her for a while, just to see if she could cope. And she would have Monique to help and support her, so she would be broken in gently. It was not as if he would leave her alone with the twins again, and all the housework. She would be looked after and Monique would be there to talk to and to provide a shoulder to cry on. "Yes," she told him with a smile. "I shall be fine."
He patted her hand and smiled fondly at her. "You are amazing," he said sincerely. "I don't know where you get your strength from."
"I don't have much," she replied with a smile. "Most of what I have comes from you and Monique."
"I don't believe that for a moment," he said. "You have always been strong, even before you met Monique and me. That's what drew me to you in the first place."
Their food arrived, and they found that it was excellent. They talked as they ate, and Armand was happy to find that it felt just like normal, sitting opposite her and saying whatever came into his head, knowing that she would understand and listen and answer thoughtfully. He pushed away his empty plate and leaned back in his chair, watching her as she cut the last of her chicken, taking care not to splash any of the delicious sauce onto her new clothes. She looked so much more relaxed than the unhappy creature he had brought from Switzerland and although her happiness might be terribly fragile, he knew that she was enjoying their romantic dinner.
She looked up and caught him staring at her. "What?" she asked, disconcerted by his gaze. "Have I spilt the sauce on my dress?" She looked down, but could see nothing that warranted such close scrutiny.
"No," he assured her at last. "You still look perfect. I'm just enjoying the view from here."
She blushed and looked away for a moment, then met his gaze again. "Thank you, Armand," she said softly. "You are the best medicine I could have. You have been so wonderful."
He laughed at that. "I don't think that's quite true," he answered. "I imagine I am probably responsible for you feeling so bad. I haven't done a lot to help you, have I?"
"You have been working full time, though," she reminded him. "You have been helpful at weekends and in the evenings. And you have been so nice to me. Dr. Molyneux said that a lot of people just say that you should pull yourself together because there is no reason to be miserable. You have never once said that."
Armand recalled the doctors he had spoken to at the San. That was what they had advised him to do. He was so glad that he had not told Gill she was making a fuss over nothing. Goodness knows what would have happened if he had let her down when she was feeling so low. "Do you want some dessert?" he asked, seeing that she had finished her dinner. "I can recommend the crème brûlée."
As she had not eaten much that day, Gill decided that she might as well enjoy some pudding, too, so she said, "That sounds lovely, thank you."
He ordered her desert, deciding to settle for a cup of coffee himself. "You must eat well while I am gone," he told her. "No more skipping breakfast like today."
"How did you know?" she asked him.
"How can you imagine I would not miss you at the breakfast table?" he countered. "Seriously, Gill, you must eat properly."
"Yes, I know," she admitted. "I'll do my best. It was your fault I didn't come to breakfast, though," she went on. "I wanted to avoid you."
"I know," he told her, his voice soft. "Monique had a little chat with me."
"But I don't need to any more," she told him, with a radiant smile. "Monique's doctor friend was wonderful."
"We went to school with Marie," Armand said. "She's one of Monique's oldest friends and Monique always says she is a marvellous doctor. She would not see anyone else."
Gill leaned back in her chair, full at last. "That was lovely," she said with a contented sigh. She sipped her coffee, glad that Armand had brought her to France, to people who could help her, for she had really come to believe that she could start to feel more positive soon. Each day there would be difficulties to face and overcome, but it was not beyond her. She knew that she would often want to give up, but now that she knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel she would keep soldiering on until she did feel happy once more.
"You look very pleased with yourself," he observed, as she smiled to herself.
"I am," she told him. "I'm just encouraging myself to be optimistic."
"Good," he told her. "Now, if you have finished your coffee, I think it's time we got back home."

The next day Gill helped Armand pack a small bag and in the afternoon she drove him to the airport at Nice. He did suggest that she just left him at the airport and went back to the house, but she did not wish to let him go until the very last moment. She parked the car and they walked together into the busy airport. Once he had checked in, they went to the departure gate, and found that they only had a few minutes to wait. Armand set his bag down and put his arms around Gill.
"Be careful going back to the house," he said. "And take care this week. Don't do too much, will you?"
"I'll be very good," she told him with a grin.
He laughed at her. "I will be checking up on you," he told her.
"You must take care, too," she reminded him.
"You don't need to worry about me," he said with a smile. "I'll phone you, darling." He kissed her quickly, and reluctantly released her. He gazed down at her for a long moment then he was gone, through the doors of the departure lounge and out of her sight.
Gill sighed and turned away, feeling suddenly empty. What would she do for a week, she wondered, without seeing him at all? She had not been parted from him for more than a day at a time since their marriage, and she could not imagine what it would be like to wake in the morning and not find him at her side, or to notice some important accomplishment of the twins and not to be able to tell him what had happened. Even though she had found it difficult to talk to him lately, he had still been there if she needed him. Now he would be in another country and she would have to save up all her thoughts until he telephoned her.
Gill made it out to the car without crying, but as she put the key into the ignition she felt tears come into her eyes. She was already missing Armand; how would she manage to spend a whole five days without him? Resolutely, she blinked the tears away. She had two gorgeous babies waiting for her, and Monique had promised to take her to the cinema the next day so that they could watch a romantic film together and cheer each other up. She had no reason to be feeling miserable. Gill put the car into gear and pulled out of the car park. She drove back to the house and went inside, to find Monique waiting for her in the hall.
"Hello," she said, sounding excited. "You'll never guess what!"
"What?" asked Gill, startled out of her fit of the blues.
"Arminel is trying to crawl!" Monique told her. "She's been up on her hands and knees, rocking backwards and forwards!"
"Oh that's amazing," said Gill, dashing upstairs with Monique.
In the nursery they found Arminel rolling contentedly in the huge playpen that had served for Monique's children and for Monique and Armand when they were tiny. Louis was being given a bottle by the maid, and was looking very sleepy.
"I suppose she won't do it now we are here watching," said Monique, disappointed. "She looked so funny. I remember when Sophie used to do it, and it wasn't long before she was off. You won't know yourself then, Gill."
Gill realized that having the twins mobile would make it more difficult to look after them. They would soon be too big for the playpen and would have to be let loose around the house, where they could get into all sorts of trouble. She lifted Arminel out of the playpen and cuddled her. Arminel cooed happily at Gill, as if apologising for pulling off new tricks when Gill was not there to watch. "Louis is too lazy to be moving around though," she told Monique. "He's quite happy lying down, playing with his toes."
"He is bigger," Monique pointed out. "He's not as light as she is, so maybe he'll find it harder."
"I'll be happy with just one on the go at a time," said Gill with a laugh.
She settled down in the chair to feed Arminel, deciding to have an early night and catch up on some more sleep. She still felt very tired, despite having been taking it easy for more than a week; she had missed out on so much sleep over the previous six months that it would take time for her to stop feeling anything other than exhausted.

In the end, the week flew past. Armand phoned Gill every night and they ran up a huge phone bill together. He was obviously missing her as much as she missed him. He could hardly wait to finish work on Friday evening so that he could hasten to the airport and catch the first flight to Nice. He missed the twins, too, and was sorry that he had not been around to see Arminel's puzzled expression when she had managed to crawl backwards, nor hear her howls as her elbows gave way and she bumped her nose on the carpet. Monique and Gill had been to the cinema and both cried at the sweet ending of the film, and then treated themselves to a nice meal together afterwards.
Monsieur and Madame Laroche returned from their holiday and were delighted to find that their youngest grandchildren were staying in their home. They were very fond of Gill and were sorry to hear that she had been feeling so low and immediately told her that she was welcome to stay with them for as long as she liked. Gill, whose own parents had died when she was young, loved Armand's parents dearly, even calling them Maman and Papa as Armand and Monique did. She adored Armand's mother, who was as caring and supportive as Monique, and his father, who was of the strong and silent type, and who could be trusted implicitly.
While Armand was away, Gill had taken the new tablets every day. She had been warned that they would not act instantly, so she just lived minute by minute, doing her best to stay positive and by the end of the week she did think she was feeling a little happier. Whether it was because of the tablets, or because she was due to see Armand again, Gill did not know, but any progress had to be good she reasoned.
On Friday afternoon Gill went to collect Armand from the airport. Monique had offered to go, but Gill had been so eager to see him that she could not wait until he got back to the house. Understanding Gill's need to see her husband, Monique gladly agreed to let her go. Gill arrived early and went to have a cup of coffee while she was waiting for the flight to land. She was unable to stop herself from repeatedly looking out of the window, trying to see if the plane had landed and continually glancing at the clock, watching as the hands crawled round to the time the flight was due. Eventually, she saw a Swissair flight land and she heard the announcement of its arrival, so she hastened off to the doorway through which the passengers would emerge.
As she got there, the door opened and Armand was the first person from the flight to appear, evidently as eager to see Gill as she was to see him. They caught sight of one another at the same moment and ran across the hall to each other. Armand caught Gill in his arms and twirled her round, making her feel like the heroine of the movie she and Monique had watched just a couple of days earlier. When he put her down, he kissed her in full view of everyone in the airport.
"Oh, how I have missed you," he told her, as they walked out to the car together. "I feel as though I have been gone for a month, not just a week."
"I've missed you, too," she told him, her arm firmly around his waist. "It's so good to have you back again."
"It's so good to be back again," he told her. "How are you, Gill? Do you feel better?"
"Yes, now that you are here," she answered, smiling up at him and causing him to stop and kiss her again.
"But do you really feel better?" he asked, scanning her face for any sign that she might be coming out of her depression at last.
"Yes, I think so," she said. "It's hard to tell, but I think I don't feel quite as sad as I have been."
"Good," he said, stowing his bag in the boot of the car. "Come on, let's go home. Do you want me to drive?"
"If you like," she agreed easily, handing him the keys.

Armand was thrilled to see the twins again, although he had to wait for the next morning to give them a cuddle. He was relieved to find that they remembered him, for they were more than happy for him to pick them up and cuddle them and he could not believe how much they had changed in his absence. Armand's parents were thrilled to see him back, too, although his mother gave him a thorough scolding for not bringing Gill home sooner. By the time that Madame Laroche had finished with Armand, Gill felt very sorry for him; he had not realized how bad she was feeling, because she had not told him any sooner, so there was not much he could have done until then. Armand took it all with good grace, though, and apologised to Gill for being so inconsiderate of her feelings.
They had a splendid meal to celebrate Armand's return, and then sat in the conservatory, as they had done so many times before. They talked about everything of interest to them, for Armand's parents were educated people, and the conversation was far ranging and varied. Finally, though, they said good night and left Gill alone with Armand.
Gill got up out of her armchair and went over to Armand, who was sprawled in another armchair. He pulled her into his lap, and she wound her arms around his neck, turning her face towards his so he could kiss her. "I have missed you so much," she told him. "I'm so glad you are back."
"So am I," he told her. "It's been such along week."
"How did you get on?" she asked him. "Did you do any cooking? Is the house clean now?"
"It's clean," he told her, "But not very tidy."
Gill chuckled. Armand was not noted for his tidiness. "At least you didn't starve," she said, poking his stomach until he caught her wrist to stop her.
"Are you telling me I'm getting fat?" he asked with dignity, "because I'm not."
"No, you aren't," she assured him. "Oh, Armand it's so good to see you."
"It's so good to see you, too," he answered, hugging her tightly. "Gill, darling, I've been thinking. Why don't you leave the twins here and come back with me next week? Maman will be so happy to look after them and I would be so happy to look after you."
"Oh, I couldn't leave them!" Gill exclaimed at once. "Not for a week."
Although he was disappointed by her desire to stay with the twins, he was also glad that she should be so eager to remain with them. He knew that she loved them dearly, and hoped that her reluctance to leave them meant that she was really feeling more positive about them. "Come on," he told her. "I'm exhausted. Let's go up to bed."
The weekend flew past. It seemed as though Armand had only been in France for five minutes, when it was time for him to leave for Switzerland again. Gill saw him off at the airport, realizing that she was going to know her way there almost in her sleep if they carried on like this. Not that there seemed to be any other way. She was sure that she felt more relaxed because she did not have the weight of the house on her shoulders along with the responsibility for the twins. The idea of returning to the Platz did make her nervous. She was worried that it would all get on top of her again once she was back at home, trying to do everything, and that she would feel herself slipping down the slope to abject misery once again. She was determined that she would not sink as low as she had been when Armand had packed her and the twins onto the plane to France, but she was wise enough to realize that it was not really under her control. If she got to feeling miserable again, she would find it just as difficult to get herself back on an even keel as it had been since arriving in France.
During the next week that Armand was gone, Gill spent a lot of time sitting on the beach thinking about what she was going to do. She could not imagine being separated from Armand for much longer. It was not for very long – just a few days a week – but it felt interminable once he had got onto the plane. She knew he felt the same, for the telephone calls he made got longer and longer each night that he was away. The problem was that if she wanted to be with Armand, she would have to return to the Platz with him, and take up the reigns of her life there once more. And she was not sure that she was ready to do that just yet.
Gill returned to Dr. Molyneux's office, and had another long talk with the doctor. She admitted to Dr. Molyneux that she was not sure if she was feeling better, but Dr. Molyneux could see a big difference in Gill in just a couple of short weeks. She might be scared to admit to feeling better in case it turned out to be temporary, but the improvement was definitely there. Gill was still pale, but no longer looked as washed out as she had done. She seemed much more relaxed, too, and the doctor knew that she had both feet firmly planted on the road to recovery, even if she herself could not yet acknowledge it.
#10:  Author: KathrynW, Location: London PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 9:27 pm
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Thanks Becky, it's good to see Gill feeling better and I must say that the characters in your drabbles always seem to have the nicest meals! It's making me feel very hungry myself Very Happy

Kathryn
#11:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2006 4:02 pm
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July turned to August and still Gill stayed in France, while Armand travelled back and forth from the Gornetz Platz each weekend. He was getting fed up with all the travelling, spending hours on the long road from Berne to the Gornetz Platz and on the plane, when he could have been relaxing with his family, but there was no way he was going to complain to Gill about it. She was finding it difficult to be separated from him, missing him more and more with each week that he was gone, but she could not quite manage to get together the courage to say she would accompany him to their home, either with or without the twins.
The twins were going from strength to strength, thriving in the loving care provided by Armand's parents and Monique. They could both sit up, which made feeding them a lot easier, and Arminel could crawl quickly, too. She had even started to try to pull herself to her feet, holding onto the furniture, and Monique warned Gill that it would not be long before she was eager to try walking.
Gill still visited Dr. Molyneux every couple of weeks, and continued to take her tablets, finding that they really had started to make her feel happier. She liked the doctor an awful lot and knew that she could tell her about all of the things that concerned her and that the doctor would listen and offer practical advice. It was not that she could not talk to Armand or Monique, but it was nice to have an unbiased opinion. Monique had made it plain that she thought Armand should give up his job at the San and move back to France permanently, but Gill was not sure that she would like to do that. It was all very well living an indolent life after being so busy but she did not think she would like to stay in her in-laws' home forever. It would be ungrateful for her to tell them that, though, so Gill kept her own counsel on the subject.
One thing that did worry her a great deal was whether she was just being lazy. She recalled the struggle she had had at home, looking after the twins and the house, and she wondered if she had not put in enough effort to getting everything done. After all, thinking about the other mothers on the Platz, she had never heard any of them failing to have a clean and tidy home, a well-fed husband and plenty of time to go out and have tea and a gossip with their neighbours. None of the others had gone to pieces in the way that she had done; several of the mothers on the Platz had had twins, and that was usually when they already had other children, so it was not as if they just had the two new babies to care for. Perhaps Gill was naturally idle and so found it difficult to keep everything together.

In mid-August, Gill collected Armand from the airport as usual, and he told her that he had received a visit from Miss Wilson, the head of St. Mildred's, the previous evening. "She wanted to know if you would be returning to work there in September," Armand told Gill as they drove through the crowded streets of Nice together.
Guiltily Gill realized that she had not given a thought to her previous employment, so wrapped up in her own problems had she been. She had worked at St. Mildred's since it opened, and had always been completely happy there. She had enjoyed her job as secretary and also all the extra things she had been involved with, like helping the girls with their Christmas pantomime, accompanying them on expeditions and giving them a hand with some of the sports they undertook. Although she had been very well whilst pregnant with the twins, Gill had wanted to stop working and spend time at home, preparing the chalet for the arrival of the baby – they had been rather surprised when she had managed to produce twins! She had explained the situation to Miss Wilson, and Miss Wilson had suggested that they would hold her job open for her so that she could return if she wished. She was a valuable member of the staff of St. Mildred's and they would prefer to have an option for her to return, should she wish to.
"Oh, I don't know what to do," said Gill, glancing over at Armand. He looked tired, having had a long day at work and then the journey from the Gornetz Platz to Nice to tackle. From recent experience, she knew that he would want to have a bath and a meal and then to retire to bed, exhausted by the routine he had adopted purely for Gill's benefit. Suddenly seeing things from his point of view, Gill felt even guiltier. She had been so selfish, expecting him to run around for her when she was not prepared to keep house for him, expecting him to work all week and then spend hours travelling to be with her, when she refused to go to Switzerland to be with him. In fact, she did absolutely nothing all day long, and he worked ten hour shifts, sometimes more, and then came home to an empty house and had to look after his own laundry and do the cooking and cleaning and tidying.
Gill drove back to the big house on the cliffs, and parked the car in the garage. She took Armand's bag for him, for he looked very weary, slipped her hand through his arm and walked with him into the house. She settled him in a comfortable armchair and went off to make him a cup of tea, but by the time she returned, he was asleep in the chair. She tenderly kissed his forehead, before going upstairs to start packing her things. It seemed that she would have to return to their chalet on the Platz unless she wanted to make Armand ill through overwork.
Gill packed as many of the twins' possessions as was practical, and then headed back downstairs. Armand was still sound asleep, and Monique was busy in the kitchen getting the evening meal ready. Gill sat herself down at the kitchen table and cut up the cucumber and tomatoes that had been washed ready for the salad.
"I'm going to go back with Armand on Sunday," announced Gill. "He's going to make himself ill if he carries on like this."
"He won't," said Monique. "He's made of strong stuff. Don't worry about him – put yourself first."
Gill sighed. "I have been," she said. "I must start thinking of him now. He's been so wonderful, Monique, and I have to stop being selfish."
"I don't think he sees you as selfish," said Monique with a laugh. "You know he would put up with anything to make you happy. Don't go until you are completely well, Gill. It will be worse for him if he thinks you will make yourself ill again."
"Who's been ill?" asked Armand, coming into the kitchen, his hair tousled and dark circles under his eyes. "What's wrong, Gill? Have you been ill?"
"No, of course not," she protested. "Come and sit down and have a cup of tea. The dinner will be ready soon."
Armand sat down and rested his elbows on the table. "So what were you discussing so earnestly?" he enquired.
"I'm going to come back to Switzerland with you on Sunday," said Gill.
"Why?" he asked.
"I need to start taking up the reigns again," she told him. "I feel guilty letting you run around like this and you are the one who is going to be ill soon."
"No, I won't be," he assured her. "I'm just a bit tired, that's all. It's been a busy week."
Gill passed him a cup of tea. "It's time I was getting back to the Platz," she told him. "I can't lie around here forever, wonderful though it has been."
"I can't say I'll be sorry to have you home again," Armand admitted. "But only if you are sure you will be all right. It would be dreadful if you were to start feeling depressed again after making such good progress here."
"And I will miss you," Monique put in. "It's been lovely having you here, Gill." She served the dinner for them and they ate together in the kitchen, Monsieur and Madame Laroche being out at a friend's house. "Why don't you wait a week and go next weekend?" suggested Monique. "Then you can visit Dr. Molyneux again and have time to pack all your things."
"I've started packing already," admitted Gill. "I need to go back this weekend, Monique. I'm sorry, and I shall miss you, too. You have been so wonderful to me."
"We could come back for Christmas," suggested Armand. "Then you would have something to look forward to, Gill."
"Yes!" Monique exclaimed at once. "That would be lovely."
"Yes," agreed Gill, realizing that she would probably need something exciting to focus on, other than an endless round of housework. "That's a good idea, Armand."
They sent Armand off to bed as soon as he had finished his meal, and cleared up together, both a little sad at the realization that they were not to be working in such harmony for much longer. Gill went off to check up on the twins, but they were fast asleep. They now slept through most nights, not awakening until about six in the morning, so that meant that she should be able to get a good night's sleep once she returned to the Platz. She slipped into bed beside Armand and lay in the darkness, wondering what the future held for her. She was more than a little anxious at the thought of going back to the Platz, but she guessed that Armand would continue to be wonderfully supportive once they were back. He certainly would not want her falling apart again.
Then her thoughts turned to St. Mildred's and she wondered whether she should return to work or not. It would be lovely to sit in the staffroom at break time, catching up with her colleagues and having a laugh with them, actually having adults to talk to about something other than nappies and teething. She would enjoy watching the new arrivals at St. Mildred's settling down and getting used to their new school, with its freedoms and fun, and helping them out with the pantomime. But if she was at school all day, how on earth would she ever be able to do the housework? She certainly did not want to be up half the night scrubbing the floors or washing the sheets, but how would she get anything done otherwise?
Gill sighed and rolled over, looking across the pillows at Armand. He was so dear to her that she knew she had made the right decision in returning to Switzerland with him that weekend. She could not leave him to struggle on alone any longer. He had been supportive when she had needed him to be, and now it was her turn to be there for him. He certainly looked as though he needed someone to lean on, for he was plainly exhausted and fed up with his current situation, and she was glad that she was able to do something to help him. She reached out and gently smoothed his hair, snuggling contentedly into his arms as he reached for her in his sleep.
Despite being extremely comfortable, still Gill could not fall asleep. She recalled the days before coming to France, when she had been so exhausted she had fallen asleep the moment her head touched the pillow. Now, though, thanks to regular hours and people to help her, she no longer felt abnormally tired. She usually slept well, but no longer collapsed into bed at the end of her tether each night. Just for a moment, she wished that she was exhausted. It was far easier to fall asleep immediately than to lie awake worrying. Resolutely Gill closed her eyes and tried counting sheep. She did not get far, for the question of returning to work kept coming back into her mind. She knew that she really wanted to go back to her job, but only if she could continue to do it well. She did not want to be rushing through her work in order to get everything finished, so that she could return to the mountains of housework that would be waiting for her at home. If she would be running herself into the ground working, it would be better to remain a housewife.
Finally, Gill fell asleep. She had awful nightmares about an endless mountain of housework that would not diminish however hard she worked, and everything she did was to the background music of the twins' cries. She did not feel rested when she awoke the next morning, but she knew she needed to get up so that she could go and give the babies their morning bottles. As Armand was still asleep, she crept out of the bedroom in her dressing gown and went straight to the nursery.
During the day, Gill did her best to push her worries to the back of her mind. She packed a lot of her own possessions and booked tickets for herself and the twins on the same flight that Armand was taking. She concentrated on collecting together all of their things that had somehow got scattered around the house, filling the cases and having to ask Armand to dig out one of his old cases to take the rest of their belongings. By Sunday, Gill had everything ready and while Armand was loading the bags into the car, she said good bye to Monique and her mother.
Monique, always emotional, had tears in her eyes as she hugged Gill. "I don't know how I shall manage without you," said Monique. "I will miss you so much."
"Come and stay with us," suggested Gill, hugging her as tightly as she could. "Good bye, Monique, and thank you for everything. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Come on, Gill," called Armand, now sitting in the back of the car, with one twin on each knee. "We must go. We don't want to miss the flight."
Gill released Madame Laroche and ran over to the car. She got in beside Armand, and accepted Louis, who snuggled contentedly into her arms. They waved to the two ladies until they turned out of sight, and then they concentrated on looking ahead of them. Monsieur Laroche drove them to the airport and helped check in all their luggage, then they were saying good bye to him, too, and heading off to the departure lounge. They had a good flight, with both babies behaving very well, and when they disembarked in Berne Gill found that she was still feeling very upbeat. Their car started easily, as if it was used to being left in the car park over the weekend, and they were soon speeding along the highway to Interlaken.
When they pulled up outside the little chalet where Gill had lived with Armand since their marriage, Gill was relieved to discover that it felt as if she was coming home. Having been gone for so long, and been feeling so depressed when she was last there, Gill had been worried that she would feel uncomfortable coming home, but that was not to be. Armand unlocked the chalet and they carried the twins in, settling them in their playpen as the bassinets were evidently going to be far too small for them now. He brought in the luggage while Gill opened the windows. It was stifling inside, having been closed up for the weekend.
As they had eaten on the plane, they decided to have a cup of tea, and head off for bed as soon as they could. Armand had to get up for work the next morning, while Gill would need to unpack, so neither of them had time to sit up late or have a lie in the next day.
As she sipped her tea, Gill looked around the sitting room. As she had expected, it was untidy. Armand was very untidy and she had given up trying to change him in that respect. Monique told her that he had always been untidy as a boy and got into endless trouble over it, but nothing ever seemed to make a difference. Gill did wonder whether the formidable Matey from the Chalet School could browbeat him into becoming tidier, but felt that might be beyond even her capabilities. Despite the untidiness, the room looked clean and Armand admitted to running the vacuum cleaner around each week. Stefanie had almost recovered from her broken wrist, and came in twice a week, but still could not work too hard, as her wrist continued to be painful.
"Go on up to bed," Gill instructed, as Armand started yawning. "You sound exhausted again."
"I'm all right," he protested. "Let me take Louis and give him his bottle. You can do Arminel and then we can go up together. It's so nice to have you back, Gill, that I don't want to go upstairs by myself."
Fortunately the twins settled well, and soon they were asleep in their cots. Gill left the bedroom doors open so that they would hear if the babies woke in the night. She climbed into bed beside Armand, sighing contentedly as he put his arms around her and pulled her close. It really did feel as if she was at home, and she felt surprisingly happy to be there.

Over the next few days, Gill rapidly settled back into a routine. The twins were very good, continuing to sleep through the night despite their move from France to Switzerland. Gill found that getting a good night's sleep made a big difference to the way that she felt, giving her more energy and more patience, too. She was happy to see Stefanie back and glad of her help around the house. Stefanie readily agreed to return to her previous working times and got on with her work unobtrusively, cleaning and tidying efficiently and thoroughly.
Gill actually surprised herself by enjoying being back at the chalet. She established a definite routine to her days, making sure that she got herself and the babies up and out by half past ten each day. Sometimes she would go and do any shopping she needed, and on other days she would take a short walk. She did not stay out long, but it was enough to chase away the cobwebs and make her feel that there was a world outside of the chalet. The twins would then sleep well for an hour or so, giving Gill an opportunity to get the dinner going and to put out some washing. In the afternoon she tried to spend some time playing with the twins, encouraging Louis to try to crawl and chasing Arminel around the sitting room.
In between times she thought about returning to work. Barbara Henschell, a former Matron at the Chalet School, and old friend of Gill's, had opened a small nursery, partly to accommodate younger siblings of girls at the Chalet School and partly to care for the children of the increasing number of working wives on the Platz. She also took in children of the tourists, caring for those too young to spend the day skiing with their parents in the winter or sightseeing in the summer months. It was a flourishing concern and Barbara's staff had grown rapidly now that she had moved to a larger chalet. Gill decided to pay her friend a visit and look at the Gornetz Kindergarten to see if she could imagine leaving Louis and Arminel there each day. She had talked to Armand about returning to work and he had told her that it was completely up to her. If she wished to work she should go back to St. Mildred's and if she preferred to stay at home, he would not mind. Grateful again for his thoughtfulness, Gill decided to go and talk to Barbara as soon as practicable.
Another worry that troubled Gill on her return to the Platz was the way she had treated Jacynth. She felt very guilty about screaming at Jacynth and leaving her friend to find herself somewhere to stay in an unfamiliar country when she had been ill. Part of Gill reasoned that Jacynth was one of her oldest friends and so would understand and forgive her for her behaviour, but another part said that Jacynth was bound to be upset and would probably never even give her the chance to apologise. Gill knew that she would have to try to make peace with Jacynth, so she would have to start by trying to find out where her friend had gone.
Once he had rested and recovered from two months of hard work and running around, Armand did more to help Gill with the housework and with the twins. He was thrilled to see that the progress she had made in France seemed to be surviving the journey to the Alps and he was more than willing to help out at home if it kept Gill feeling happy. He loved her dearly and had been heartbroken to see the depression sapping all her vitality. Now that she was just about back to her old, vibrant self, he had no intention of letting things get on top of her again. He made a big effort to take her out each week, making use of Hélène's real pleasure in looking after the twins to be able to spend some quality time with Gill.
Hélène and Hans were also happy, as Hélène had just discovered that she was pregnant. She had been hoping for a baby for some time and was thrilled to think that she would become a mother in the new year. She came to visit Gill several times, to help out with the twins and to talk to Gill about motherhood and Gill found that her growing friendship with Armand's cousin helped her to stop missing Monique quite as much.

When Gill visited the Gornetz Kindergarten she was very impressed with it. Barbara was very good at providing a safe, yet stimulating environment for the babies and small children in her care and all the children that Gill saw there looked happy. There were plenty of members of staff to keep the Kindergarten running smoothly, people fluent in English as well as French and German. There were different areas within the kindergarten, so that the tiny babies could sleep undisturbed and the older children would not hurt the toddlers with play too rough for them. Barbara was thrilled to hear that Gill was considering going back to work, telling her about some of the other ladies who left their children with her and who said that they had made the right choice, not staying at home with their young children.
"Why do they say that?" asked Gill curiously.
"Their children are well cared for here," Barbara told her. "They get to socialize far more than they would if they stayed at home and we teach them so much that a stay at home mother with all the housework and a couple of children cannot manage to do. And, on top of the benefits to the children, the mother gets to spend some time in an adult environment and to be herself again, not just Mum."
"You don't think it's selfish, wanting to go back to work and abandoning the children to the care of strangers?" suggested Gill, who had been wondering that very thing.
"Not at all," said Barbara with certainty. "One of the mothers here was very depressed after her baby was born. She told me that she was at the end of her tether until she decided that she would bring the baby here and go back to work – she is a nurse at the San. She said it was very difficult at first, but now she reckons it was the only thing that saved her."
Just for a moment Gill thought that someone had told Barbara all about her own problems, but once she heard that the lady in question was a nurse, she realized that all she had heard about depression was true. It was a lot more common than people thought, and that women who suffered from it could get their lives back on track again afterwards. "I shall have to talk to Armand," said Gill, smiling at Barbara, "But I really think I would like to bring the twins here and go back to St. Mildred's."
"We have spaces for them," Barbara assured her. "And I'm sure they will be very happy here."
"Yes, I think they will be, too," agreed Gill.
When Armand got home that evening, Gill told him all about her visit to the Kindergarten and how lovely it was. Armand agreed that it sounded the perfect answer to Gill's worries; the twins would be well cared for, Stefanie would be able to take care of a lot of the housework and Gill could return to the job that she had enjoyed. In all, it would be good for everyone and they would all be happy once they had settled into yet another new routine.
#12:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2006 4:03 pm
    —
Miss Wilson had been thrilled when Gill walked over to St. Mildred's and said that she would love to return to her job for the next term. Miss Wilson explained that they had a girl who came in part time to do a lot of the simple typing of letters and that Gill would be able to be more flexible with her own work hours as a result. Thus it was that on the first morning in September, Gill got the twins dressed early, packed their things into a big bag and loaded them into their big pushchair. Armand was going to be starting work at about the same time, so he decided that he would accompany them to the Kindergarten on his way to the San.
When they arrived, Barbara was there to welcome them. Some children had already been dropped off and were busy with various activities. There were a couple of small babies slumbering peacefully in cots in the nursery, unaware of all the bustle going on around them.
"Good morning," Gill greeted her friend. "You do start early!"
Barbara laughed. "We certainly do," she agreed, "Although not as early as we did at school."
"What will you do with the twins?" asked Gill, starting to feel anxious. After all, they were her babies and she was handing them over to strangers.
Armand handed Barbara the big bag that contained their things. "They'll be fine," he comforted his wife. "We gave them their breakfast," he told Barbara.
"Good," she responded. "We'll put them in one of the playpens and they can have some toys to keep them amused." She took them over to a good-sized playpen and soon the twins were happily settled in it, with some brightly coloured toys for them to play with. "Later, once everyone is here, someone comes up and plays with the babies. We'll feed them, too, and wash and change them. They will be well looked after."
Gill leaned over the edge of the playpen and kissed the twins again. Now that the moment had come for her to leave them, she felt surprisingly reluctant to go. Armand put his hand through her arm and drew her away from them. "I'll be back this afternoon," she said. "Thanks, Barbara."
"Don't worry," Barbara told her friend. "You can always call me later, just for reassurance," she added. "Enjoy your first day back at work!"
Armand virtually dragged Gill out of the Kindergarten. Once outside he slipped his arm around her and held her close to him for a moment. "They will be fine," he told her again. "Come on, let's get you to St. Mildred's."
"I know I'm being silly," she said, accepting the hanky he pushed into her hands. "But it feels so strange to be leaving them."
"Once you get to work, you will forget all about them," he said, walking her down the path and starting along the road to St. Mildred's. "You will have a wonderful day with all your old chums and then you will be so happy to see the twins when you collect them this afternoon."
Gill sniffed. "You are right," she agreed. "Shouldn't you be getting to the San now?"
"I think I just have time to make sure you get to St. Mildred's in one piece," he said with a smile. "I wouldn't like to give you the chance to run back and spend the day in the Kindergarten!"
Gill laughed, but made no protest as he walked her right to the door of the finishing school. With a quick kiss, he left her, striding back along the road that led to the San. Gill opened the door and went inside, feeling somewhat nervous as she walked along the corridor to the office that had once been hers alone. Now, though, there would be a stranger there, who would share it with her and who would help her out with her work. Gill was about to open the door when a shriek from the stairs made her turn. To her delight, she found her old friends Gertrude Rider and Grace Nalder rushing down with rather more haste than dignity. They greeted her warmly, and explained that they had seen her arriving from the staffroom window and had come to drag her off to meet the rest of the staff for coffee before she even contemplated working. It had been far too long since they had last seen her and they were eager for all her news.
There were staff meetings to attend and a whole host of details to sort out. Gill had been worried that she would have forgotten some of the duties she had had, but she needn't have been concerned. By the end of the morning she felt as if she had never been away and she knew that she had made the right decision to return to work. She enjoyed the friendly banter with her colleagues, the involvement with the planning of the chief events of the term and the way that she felt valued. And she discovered that Armand had been right when he told her that she would forget about the twins. She did not completely forget them, for her friends wished for news of them and she told them all about Louis and Arminel, but when she was working she was so occupied with what she was doing that she could not worry about whether the twins were enjoying their first day at Kindergarten.
Armand phoned Gill in the early afternoon, just to check and see how she was managing with her first day back at work. He was greatly relieved to hear her sounding so happy and laughed when she admitted that she had scarcely thought of the babies all morning and although she absolutely forbade him to say 'I told you so', she knew he was thinking it all the same.
Gill finally left work at four and went straight to the Kindergarten. She found several other parents there to collect their children and Barbara was deep in conversation with a woman in a nurse's uniform, making Gill wonder if she was the lady affected so badly by depression. She was cuddling a baby about the same age as Gill's own babies, and looking very earnest as she spoke to Barbara. One of Barbara's staff came over to Gill and showed her up to the little room where the twins were playing. They were sitting together in the playpen, and seemed to be talking to each other. Gill could not stop herself from smiling as she saw them. "Louis! Arminel!" she exclaimed.
To Gill's delight, Arminel looked up at the sound of her voice and said, "Mama," holding up her arms for Gill to pick her up.
Almost crying with joy, Gill lifted the baby up and cuddled her, kissing her pretty face and enjoying the sound of her laughter as she tried to pull the fine gold chain Gill was wearing around her neck. The nursery nurse who had accompanied her lifted Louis up and they bore them downstairs and put them in the pushchair. Barbara had finished talking to the nurse and she came over to see Gill.
"They were very good," she assured her friend. "They ate well at lunch time and drank all the milk you sent for them. They have been a pleasure to care for."
"Thank you so much," said Gill gratefully. "We'll see you tomorrow, then. Good bye."
She pushed the big pushchair out of the kindergarten and set off along the road towards the shop, planning to pick up some vegetables on the way home. She was already considering what she should prepare for their meal, deciding that she would need to be far more organized in future, getting meals ready the evening before, so that it would be all ready to start cooking when she got home.
When Armand came in, Gill chattered happily to him, telling him about her day at St. Mildred's and the twins time in the Kindergarten. She also mentioned the nurse about whom Barbara had told her, and how she, too, had suffered from depression after the birth of her baby. Sitting in his armchair, cuddling Louis and trying to persuade him to say 'Papa', Armand felt supremely happy. At last his lovely wife seemed to be back to her usual cheerful and optimistic self, for which he was extremely grateful.

Gill soon settled happily at St. Mildred's, enjoying both the work and the friendship of her colleagues. The twins were thriving, happy to be left at the Kindergarten and equally delighted to see their mother again at the end of the day. Gill realized how being separated from them made her far more appreciative of their time together and so she enjoyed spending time with them at the weekends and in the evenings. Armand was also happy, seeing how well Gill managed with the twins and her work and the housework without letting it make her feel miserable. He was proud of her for picking herself up after such a difficult time and turning her life around so successfully.
They managed to visit France for Christmas, when the twins celebrated their first birthdays. Arminel had been walking for about six weeks by the time she turned one, but Louis actually took his first steps on his birthday. Monique was thrilled about it, for she had missed the twins terribly since they had gone back to live on the Platz. They had a lovely holiday in France, but were happy to be back on the Platz, having fun in the back garden in the snow and sitting in front of a roaring fire in the evenings.
As the new year got underway, Gill found herself feeling tired again. She would not change any part of her life, though. She loved working and felt that she could cope with all the demands made on her time by the twins and the house, and she even had enough time to go out with Armand every week or two. It was just that she did not feel as revitalized after the Christmas holiday as she thought she would. Sometimes she felt so tired that she would put the twins to bed at eight and then go off to sleep herself.
Hélène had her baby at the beginning of March, a beautiful big girl who they named Chantal. Gill went to visit Hélène in the San and spent a happy hour cuddling the baby and discussing the birth with Hélène, but left feeling relieved that it was not her baby. She loved the twins dearly, but they were enough of a handful for her, especially now that they were well and truly walking. Armand was also perfectly happy with two children, so she knew that she would never need to put herself at risk of suffering from the debilitating depression again.
Not long after her visit to Hélène, Gill began to be aware of some rather worrying things. She had not had her period and her breasts were feeling tender. She had also been feeling tired, which she had originally attributed to being a working mother; in the light of her other symptoms, she began to wonder if she might be pregnant again. In order to allay her suspicions, she adopted a policy pretty much the same as an ostrich burying its head in the sand. She did not think about any of it at all, and she definitely did not tell Armand about her concerns. Maybe if she did not admit, even to herself, that she might be pregnant, it could not be real. Perhaps if she denied it enough, everything would return to normal.
Sometimes, though, it would creep into her mind. She might be relaxing in the bath at the end of a hard day, folding up the washing, or walking to St. Mildred's. Suddenly she would hear a little voice in her head telling her that she was going to have a baby and she would be overwhelmed with fear. She would banish the little voice by trying to recite the alphabet backwards, or trying to name all the head girls of the Chalet School in the order in which they appeared on the big honour board in the school hall.
She carried on with everything just as usual, giving no one the slightest hint that she was anything other than perfectly happy with her life. Armand was still so glad that she was coping well with everything, and enjoying her role as working mother, that he had not the slightest suspicion that behind the mask of happiness Gill was wearing, she was absolutely terrified.

Finally, one evening after the twins were in bed, and when Armand was working at the San, Gill sat herself at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and began to face facts. It seemed likely that she was more than two months pregnant, with the baby being due in November. By then the twins would be almost two years old, and Gill had heard plenty of tales of the terrible twos, usually told by mothers that had had only one baby going through this stage at a time. She also recalled some of Jo Maynard's tales of her twins – how a simple game with a wooden spoon and a saucepan could so easily turn into a contest to see who could hit the other hardest with the spoon.
So she would be tied to the armchair with a newborn baby while Louis and Arminel ran riot around the house. They were already able to climb out of the playpen and up onto all the furniture. Gill could just imagine the trouble they would be able to get into if she was unable to chase after them to make them stop doing something potentially hazardous. They were too small to listen to her and to do as they were told; she needed to physically remove them from the dangerous activity and provide something else for them to focus on. Goodness only knew what would happen if she was obliged to try to bring them to safety by using her voice alone.
And, on top of the practical considerations, there would be the constant worry that she would be depressed again. Gill could still remember all too vividly the dreadful despair that had gripped her and the sense of worthlessness that had consumed her. Even now, if she was especially tired, she still found herself thinking that she should be able to cope better, do more, be perfect, but she usually managed to convince herself that she was doing well. And, if she couldn't make herself believe it, then she just had to admit to Armand that she was feeling inadequate and he would give her all the moral and practical support that he could.
Gill felt tears coming into her eyes as she faced the fact that she could be filled with hopelessness once again, unable to get through a day without crying and feeling miserable all the time. She put her head on the table an wept, wishing that she had misread the symptoms and hoping that she was worrying over nothing. Somehow, though, she knew, deep down, that she was right. She knew that she really was expecting another baby and all that she feared was only a few short months away.
Then a worse thought struck Gill. What if she was going to have twins again? Twins were common in both of their families; Cherry and Charles, Gill's brother and sister, were twins. Armand and Monique were twins. Jo Maynard had proved quite adequately that twins did not have to be a one-off thing in families; you could definitely have two sets – or even triplets.
Over the next few days Gill tried to find time to talk to Armand, but it proved impossible. He was working nights, so just coming home as she was racing around to get ready to drop the twins in the kindergarten before heading off to St. Mildred's. In the evening, as she was getting the twins to bed, Armand would be setting off to work. There was just no time to sit quietly and have a proper conversation with him. Gill knew that she would have to make sure she sat him down at the weekend so that she could explain exactly how she was feeling and let him help her through the difficult time ahead of her. Despite being almost certain that she was pregnant, still Gill clung to the forlorn hope that she was just tired from being busy all day and every day. She still wondered if there was a slight chance that she had been mistaken and she was worrying over nothing. Part of her worried that telling Armand would make it all real. Perhaps if she said nothing, it could not be true.

On Saturday morning Gill awoke early, earlier than the twins, and lay quietly in the darkness for a while, wondering what had woken her. Perhaps Armand had got home and it was the sound of him closing the front door that had disturbed her. Then Gill discovered what had interrupted her peaceful slumber. She had the most dreadful pain in her stomach that she had experienced since…well, since giving birth to the twins, she realized. She tried to get up, but was assaulted by such a sharp pain that it made her feel positively sick. Falling back against her pillows, she wondered how long it would go on for and how she would manage to get up when the twins awoke. Gill lay still, trying to concentrate on breathing and letting the pain go away before trying to get out of bed again. She stood up slowly, deciding that she needed to go and sit in the kitchen with that wonderful restorative, a cup of tea. As she felt around in the darkness for her slippers, she realized that her pyjamas felt wet. Gill flicked the light switch and she saw that she had been lying in a pool of blood.
Clutching her stomach as another pain gripped her, Gill sank down onto the bed again, guessing what was happening. She was losing the unwanted baby. As her mind formed those words, Gill began to sob, feeling so ashamed of all she had thought. The baby certainly was not unwanted. Any child of hers and Armand's would never be unwanted or unloved and she had been so foolish to believe any differently. Now, thanks to her negativity, she had lost the baby, the little brother or sister that would have been such a joy to Louis and Arminel, not to mention to herself and Armand.
Gill lay in the bed, feeling too poorly to move, and waited for the sound of footsteps on the stairs that would signal the return of Armand. All she wanted was for him to come home and hold her in his arms and make everything all right again.

Armand came back from work and crept upstairs, not wishing to disturb anyone still asleep. Gill would not be amused if he woke the twins. She worked hard and needed her sleep. He opened the bedroom door quietly and was surprised to find the light on.
"Armand," came a small, scared voice from the bed.
"Good morning, darling," he said cheerfully, then he noticed that her face was ashen and covered with a fine sheen of sweat despite the coolness of the morning. He hastened to her side, reaching automatically for her slim wrist to check her pulse. "What's up?"
Gill muttered something incomprehensible and dissolved into tears. Armand gathered her into his arms, unable to think of anything that could account for such behaviour.
"Are the twins all right?" he asked anxiously. "What's the matter?"
"Look," she told him, indicating the bloody mess on the bed, and at once he guessed what had happened.
"Why on earth didn't you tell me?" he demanded, sounding upset and annoyed. "Honestly, Gill, you can be so difficult. How could you keep something like this from me? I'm your husband for heaven's sake."
Gill sobbed, her face in her hands. Armand went off to phone for a doctor experienced in such matters, then he returned with warm water and towels and told Gill to lie quietly while he cleaned her up. She was unable to stop crying, dismayed by his words and the way he was evidently so disappointed in her. Once he had got the bed remade and Gill settled in clean pyjamas, Armand went to check on the twins. Fortunately, it was still early and they were both sleeping soundly. He went back to the bedroom and found that Gill had stopped sobbing and was lying quietly, staring unseeingly up at the ceiling. He perched on the edge of the bed and took her hand in his.
"I'm sorry," he told her contritely. "I didn't mean to shout at you. How are you feeling?"
"How do you think I'm feeling?" she flung back at him.
"I've no idea," he snapped. "I'm not a mind reader. If you don't talk to me, I don't know."
"I'm feeling awful," she retorted. "I've just lost a baby. I feel like putting my head under the pillow and never coming out again."
"But how could you not tell me that you were pregnant?" he wondered, trying to make his voice sound less accusing. "How long have you known?"
"A week or two," she admitted. "I was upset. I thought if I didn't tell anyone it would go away."
"Oh, Gill," he said softly, gathering her into his arms again. He held her tightly, wanting to tell her how silly she had been, but not wishing to upset her further.
Gill wrapped her arms around him, but even as she did so, they could hear someone knocking on the front door. He pulled away and went downstairs to let in the doctor. Gill could hear them talking outside the door, but not what they were actually saying. Eventually they came into the bedroom and she had to submit to a quick examination. He confirmed what she already knew; she had lost the baby. He advised her to rest for a few days, and told her that she should not blame herself. Many pregnancies ended with miscarriages simply because the fetus was not viable and that was nothing whatsoever to do with anything the mother had or had not done.
Armand saw the doctor out and Gill could hear him pottering around in the kitchen. She was surprised by how utterly miserable she felt, considering she had spent the last two weeks wishing that she was not pregnant. Now she realized the truth of the old adage, 'Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it'. She also realized how upset Armand was because she had kept everything from him, and she knew that she would have been devastated had their roles been reversed. He was her husband and she should have talked to him. With a sigh she turned onto her side and allowed the tears to roll unchecked down her cheeks. Now he was furious with her and he would leave her to grieve on her own.
Armand made a big pot of tea, some toast and scrambled egg and carried the tray up to the bedroom. He set it down beside the bed while he changed his clothes, then he clambered in beside Gill. "Come on," he said kindly. "Sit up and let's have a cup of tea."
"I don't want one," she told him.
"You need one," he replied patiently. "I'm really sorry, Gill."
"So am I," she sniffed, rolling over to look at him. "I was going to tell you this weekend, when we actually got five minutes to sit down together."
He patted her shoulder comfortingly. "It has been rather chaotic this week," he agreed. "Please sit up, darling. A cup of tea will make you feel a little better."
She sat up and he put some pillows behind her, then he passed her a cup of tea. She sipped the scalding beverage and found that it did help a little. "Why am I so upset when I have spent two weeks wishing I wasn't pregnant?" she asked him.
"It's dreadful to lose a baby," he said simply.
Gill sipped her tea and managed to eat some scrambled egg, too. She could hardly believe that they were able to eat uninterrupted by the twins, but even as she had the thought, they heard a wail from the next door bedroom.
"I'll go and get some milk for them," said Armand, flinging back the covers with obvious reluctance.
"I'll go," she told him, but he gave her such a fierce look that she was left sitting acquiescently against her pillows.
He brought Louis to her and took Arminel downstairs so that he could keep an eye on her while he prepared the morning milk. Gill hugged Louis closely, wondering if the baby she had lost had been a boy or a girl. When he returned, the twins seemed to look upon it as something of a treat to eat scrambled egg and drink their beakers of milk in bed with their parents, but it was clear that they would not sit quietly for long.
"I'll take them to the Kindergarten," Armand finally decided. "They do open on Saturdays. Then we can have a sleep and do some talking in peace."
"But I didn't get any food or anything ready for them," said Gill worriedly.
"Don't worry. I'm sure I can come up with something."
An hour later Armand returned from the Kindergarten. He had managed to make a reasonable lunch for the twins and had explained to Barbara that Gill was feeling poorly and so they were going to have a quiet day and that he would collect the twins during the afternoon. He repeated Barbara's wishes for Gill's speedy recovery, and then he collapsed thankfully into bed. He had had a long night and was feeling exhausted. However, he was very eager to talk to Gill, not wishing her to bottle anything else up inside and make herself miserable again, so he stifled a yawn and faced her across the pile of pillows.
"Well?" he asked.
"I'm really sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she said at once. "I was wrong."
"You were," he agreed. "Please don't keep secrets from me like that again."
"I won't," she promised readily.
He reached out and absently fiddled with an unruly lock of her hair. "I just can't believe it," he said, almost to himself.
"I'm very sorry," she said again. "I really wish I had told you."
"Come here," he said, holding out his arms. He held her close to him, wondering how he could feel like crying when he had lost something he was not even aware that he had had. He stroked her hair, comforted by the feel of her arms tightly around his waist and her breath warm on his throat. He felt her relax, then he was drifting off to sleep, too exhausted to stay awake any longer.
Gill lay in his arms for a long time, wishing she could fall asleep as easily. Finally, she gently drew away from him and slipped out of bed, taking the tray and going downstairs. She made some coffee and put on the radio to distract herself then curled up on the end of the settee, one of the twins' blankets that she had found around her knees. She did her best to listen avidly to the news, but the memory of all the dreadful things she had thought about being pregnant kept coming back to haunt her. She remembered how she had wished so fervently that she was not pregnant, without even a thought for the new life that she had been carrying. Now, though, that life had been extinguished and she wondered if she would ever be able to deal with the guilt that she felt.
The day seemed to drag past. Armand slumbered and although Gill would have liked to sit and talk to him, she knew that he had to be left to sleep. He would be home until Monday, so she would have plenty of time to talk to him the next day. She listened to the radio until she could almost recite the news along with the newscaster, and then she tried to interest herself in a book. She finally abandoned all attempts at resting and went into the kitchen to do some of the washing. It never ceased to amaze her at the amount of washing the twins generated, and if she did not do it every day it became almost unmanageable. She hung it on the clothes airer in the corner of the living room, near the fire, and made herself a sandwich for lunch, putting a second in the fridge in case Armand should wake and feel hungry.
By the time Armand appeared, looking considerably better for six hours sleep, Gill had preparations for their evening meal well underway. Seeing her in the kitchen, Armand felt very cross. She had been told to rest and yet she had done so much washing that he knew it would have taken her ages and now she was cooking.
"Do you ever do as you are told?" he roared at her.
Gill had not noticed his arrival, having been concentrating on stirring the casserole, and she almost jumped out of her skin at his words. Armand took the spoon from her hand and put a lid on the pot before taking her out of the kitchen and sitting her in an armchair.
"Stay there," he said in a voice that brooked no arguments. "Do you want anything?"
"No, thank you," she answered.
He disappeared into the kitchen and she could hear him clearing up, banging the cupboard doors in a way that clearly indicated his mood. She sighed miserably, knowing that he was right to be annoyed with her, but at the same time feeling that she would go mad if she had to sit and think any more. Blinking back tears she stood up and went quietly upstairs, deciding to lie in bed out of Armand's way. He seldom got into a temper, but when he was she knew it was better to keep away from him. His bad moods never lasted long, so he would probably be up to apologise for snapping at her before too long, and then she could explain how difficult it was to sit and think. She lay back against the pillows, looking out of the window, just able to see the trees at the end of their garden blowing in what appeared to be quite a stiff breeze. Small, fluffy white clouds skittered across the sky. Judging by the weather, it was much nicer to be tucked up in bed than outside.
"Gill?!" Armand positively bellowed from the hall, then she heard his heavy footsteps on the stairs. "Now what are you doing?" He flung open the bedroom door, obviously expecting to see her vacuuming or cleaning the windows at the very least.
"I'm resting," she said in a little voice. "Come and sit beside me, please, Armand. I feel so unhappy."
Armand sank down onto the bed beside her and threw an arm around her shoulders. She snuggled up to him, sensing that his anger was diminishing. "I'm sorry," he told her repentantly.
"Perhaps we should stop saying sorry," she suggested with a faint smile. She looked up at him and saw that he had tears in his eyes. "Oh, Armand," she breathed, wrapping her arms tightly around him and drawing his head onto her shoulder. She held him close while he wept, and felt even guiltier for not sharing her news with him from the beginning.
Eventually he pulled away from her and gave her a rather sheepish smile. She located her hanky and he scrubbed his eyes with it. "I know why you didn't tell me," he said quietly. "But I would never have made you keep it, Gill." As he saw the horror on her face, he quickly added, "Oh, no, not an abortion. I would have sent it to Monique and she would have cared for it for us. I know how scared you have been and I would never want to put you through another awful experience like you had last year."
"I didn't think of that," she admitted. "I'm…"
He put a finger across her lips to silence her. "We aren't saying that any more," he reminded her.
"I feel so guilty now," she admitted. "I've spent two weeks wishing and hoping that it wasn't true and I feel responsible for all of this."
"You certainly should not feel like that!" Armand exclaimed at once. "How can thoughts have such a powerful effect? You know that they can't. And the doctor already told you that it was not your fault. These things happen, Gill, and nothing you did would have saved this baby. Please believe me, and don't let yourself be eaten up with guilt."
When Armand put it into words, Gill realized how sensible it all was. But it was one thing to be told how she should not feel guilty and quite another to believe it. "I still feel bad, though," she said, half to herself.
"You mustn't feel bad about it," said Armand firmly. "Now, it's almost time for me to go and collect the twins. Will you be all right while I'm gone?"
"Yes, I think so," she told him, reaching up to kiss his cheek. "You are far too good to me," she said.
"Only sometimes," he replied with a smile. "Come and sit downstairs again, ready for when the babies arrive. They will want to see you."
Gill nodded. "All right," she agreed. She waited until he had put on his outdoor clothes and then he helped her down the stairs and ensconced her in her armchair again, tucking the blanket around her knees and putting her book beside her. "Will you be all right to collect the twins?" she asked anxiously.
"Yes, I think so." Armand actually felt far better having cried for the baby they had lost and his natural resilience was helping him pull himself together again. He dropped a kiss on Gill's hair and left the chalet in search of the twins.
#13:  Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2006 4:04 pm
    —
Gill stayed away from work for a week, and Armand had insisted on visiting the Head of St. Mildred's and explaining Gill's absence in person. Miss Wilson was very understanding and agreed that Gill should take as much time off work as she needed. Armand also insisted on taking the twins to the nursery while he was at work, so that Gill could spend her time resting and not rushing around after two lively babies. After the first couple of days, though, Gill put her foot down and said that she wished to keep the twins with her and she discovered a certain degree of comfort from them, cuddling them and feeling their chubby baby arms around her neck.
When she finally went back to work, Gill found that her friends were very kind to her. They did not say much, but they made sure she was supplied with the first cup of coffee poured and given the biggest slice of cake going. They all quietly told her how sorry they were and reminded her that should she ever wish to talk to them about her loss, she should remember that they would be happy to listen. They also volunteered to come to Gill's chalet and baby-sit the twins so that Gill and Armand could go out together for the evening. Gill gratefully took Gertrude and Grace up on that particular offer, so that she and Armand could spend one Saturday evening going first to the cinema to watch a wonderfully funny film that put all their worries out of their minds for a blissful couple of hours, and then for a romantic dinner together, holding hands across a candle-lit table.
The weather on the Platz grew warmer and the meadows were filled with flowers. Gill finally managed to stop feeling guilty about the miscarriage and to enjoy life again. She still felt very sad when she remembered how she had felt about the baby, but she did reach the point of understanding that it had not been her fault that she had had the miscarriage. She found that she did not feel as tired as she had done, and she was able to take everything in her stride once again. She even got round to writing a long letter to Jacynth, and sent it to the address she had for Gay, in the hope that she could explain her rather irrational behaviour at the time of Jacynth's visit and persuade her friend to forgive her. With that task out of the way, Gill settled down to enjoy the summer term at St. Mildred's, with its excursions and sports fixtures and then the Millies involvement in the traditional Chalet School summer fete.
Gill discovered that the twins were really good fun now. They walked and ran with confidence and kept her very busy, but she was happy to be busy with them. They both spoke several words and were rapidly learning to understand and respond to a whole load more. Louis was still bigger than Arminel, and was the image of his father. Fair-haired Arminel was tiny, but very determined, and there was no question as to who was the dominant twin. She kept her brother effortlessly in line, until he got fed up and smacked her or pushed her to the floor.
As the term passed, Gill was amazed at how well she felt. She had more energy that she remembered having for quite some time, and she realized that she could actually say, with complete honesty, that she felt happy. The only thing that upset her a little was that she seemed to be putting on weight, probably because of the cakes that her colleagues still insisted on feeding her. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she could see that she was definitely not as slim as she had once been, so she started trying to walk a little more often in the hope of shedding the extra pounds that she was carrying.
By the end of term, Gill was irritated to realize that cutting out cakes and trying to walk more was having very little effect on her figure. She lay in bed one evening and as Armand ran his hand across her stomach, she found herself saying, "I'm getting so fat, Armand."
Armand thoughtfully ran his hand across her stomach again. "I still think you are gorgeous," he told her, although privately he did agree that she had put on weight.
"I've stopped eating cakes and it doesn't seem to have made any difference," she told him.
He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at her. She looked so beautiful with her glorious hair spread across the pillow and her eyes sparkling in her delicately pale face. "I really don't mind," he reassured her. "Come to that, I'm not as thin as I used to be. It must be your cooking!"
As Gill's cooking was rather inconsistent, sometimes delicious and sometimes bordering on inedible, she dismissed that idea immediately. "I don't think so," she said with a chuckle.
"We will both stop eating biscuits," he decided, knowing that was one of his own particular downfalls. "Now come here and let me convince you that I still find you very attractive."

School broke up for the summer and Gill found that she had so much time on her hands that she could even sit in the garden and play with the twins or take them out to visit some of her friends that lived nearby. Hélène visited often, and Arminel was fascinated by Chantal, happy to sit beside Hélène and gently hold the tiny baby's hand. Louis, however, was a typical boy, preferring to poke around in the garden and pull up any flowers that he encountered.
One warm, sunny afternoon in early July, Hélène and Gill were lying on a blanket in the shade of the trees, with Chantal cooing happily between them. The twins were busy with a pile of bricks, Louis building towers and Arminel laughing as she knocked them down. They had already discussed Monique and the man she had admitted to spending a lot of time with recently. André Delvin was a widower with a young son and from the little that Monique told her, Gill knew that her friend was very serious about him. He sounded very nice, and Gill hoped that she and Armand would be able to travel to France over the summer and meet him.
Gill stretched out on her back, closing her eyes and enjoying having the time to spend doing nothing. Her house was clean and tidy, as Stefanie had visited only that morning, and they were having cold meat and salad for dinner, so little preparation was needed.
"This is the life," she told Hélène contentedly. "It's so nice to have time to do absolutely nothing."
Hélène agreed wholeheartedly. "It is rather lovely," she said, sitting up and looking thoughtfully at her friend. "Gill, can I ask you something?"
"Of course. What?" asked Gill, putting up a hand to shade her eyes as she looked up at Hélène.
"I don't mean to upset you," Hélène warned, "But are you pregnant?"
A shadow crossed Gill's face as she recalled the baby she had lost. "No," she said softly.
"But look at yourself, Gill," said Hélène. "You look pregnant. You are glowing and you have the most definite bump."
Gill sat up quickly. "How could I be?" she asked. "It's too soon."
"I think you should find out," said Hélène. "I'm sorry if I have upset you, it wasn't my intention, but I really do think you look pregnant."
Gill thought back to the dreadful day in March. "I definitely lost the baby, Hélène," she said sadly.
Hélène fell silent, but she was still considering the subject, thinking back over her experiences as a nurse. She absently tickled Chantal, trying to think of an explanation for Gill's appearance. Gill got up and went into the house, telling Hélène that she was fetching them some lemonade, but really to sneak off upstairs and take a look at herself in the mirror. She looked thoughtfully at herself for a long moment, turning from side to side and wondering about what Hélène had said. She realized that her friend had hit the nail on the head – she did not look fat, she looked pregnant.
Gill filled two glasses with ice-cold lemonade and took them into the garden. Hélène was busy separating Louis and Arminel, who had evidently been having a stand up fight over a particular brick that they both wanted. Gill put their drinks down and went to scoop up Arminel, who looked indignant to think that anyone would stop her from getting exactly what she wanted. Gill gave her a sip of water from her beaker and then Arminel was easily distracted by the new doll that Hélène had brought over for her. Louis returned to his building and Hélène sat down on the rug again, reaching gratefully for her lemonade.
"We are in for a really hot summer," she said reflectively. "It's not July yet and already it's sweltering."
"How could I be pregnant?" Gill asked.
"It's possible for someone carrying twins to miscarry one baby and keep the other," said Hélène. "I've seen it happen a couple of times."
Gill frowned, trying to absorb what Hélène was telling her. "But how?" she wondered.
"If one baby was not viable it would miscarry," Hélène explained. "And the second would be fine, so you would keep it. I think you should get Armand to take you to the San and do some tests."
Gill fell silent, her mind in turmoil. She had not even contemplated having more children since her miscarriage, being more than content with the two she had, and she had not for a moment considered that she might have lost one of a pair of twins. She wrapped her arms around her knees and stared unseeingly across the garden, unable to work out how she felt. She was apprehensive, scared, happy, and doubtful, all rolled into one, with a good dash of nervousness thrown in for good measure.
Armand and Hans arrived together, a sight that always surprised Gill, for the two men shared an unlikely friendship. She served the dinner to them, and if she was unusually quiet during the meal, the men put it down to her being busy trying to eat her own meal and get the twins to eat their food, too. Hélène chatted away easily, knowing that Gill needed time to think without anyone pushing her to give reasons for her silence. They took their coffee into the garden, glad that it was getting a little cooler, and after a thorough discussion of their holiday plans, Hélène and Hans went home.
Gill bathed the twins and then put them to bed, and then ran lightly downstairs to find Armand still sitting in the garden. She put away the dishes, tidied up a little in the kitchen and made some tea, which she took out into the garden. Gill gathered up the twins' toys and put them away and folded the blanket before sitting down in the chair next to Armand's. He passed her a mug of tea and looked interrogatively at her.
"You seem distracted," he said.
"Yes," she agreed. "Hélène and I were talking. She said something that surprised me."
"And what was that?" he asked curiously.
"She asked me if I am pregnant."
Armand reached for Gill's hand and squeezed it gently. "I was wondering that, too," he admitted. "But I didn't like to say anything for fear of upsetting you."
"But is it possible?" she asked him.
"Oh, yes, I think so," he told her.
Gill sipped her tea, leaving Armand completely in the dark as to how she was feeling. They sat in a companionable silence for a long time, as darkness fell and the stars started to sparkle in the richly blue sky. Finally she asked the question that was uppermost in her mind. "Will I be depressed again?"
"I don't know," he told her honestly. "We have no way of telling. We will just have to wait and see."
"And will you mind having another baby?" she asked.
"Of course not," he assured her. "I'll be thrilled."
"But you said…" she began, then she realized what he had done. He had said he was happy with two children because she had been so set on never having any more. "You have been very untruthful, Armand," she told him reproachfully.
"Not really," he answered. "I said I was happy with Louis and Arminel, and I am. I would rather have you well and happy than have any more children. I will only be happy with more children if you are happy. Are you happy?" he asked, wishing there was more light so that he could see her expression clearly.
"I don't know," she answered candidly. "I can't really take it all in."
"Maybe we could go to the San tomorrow and have a scan done, just to find out for sure," Armand suggested, relieved that she did not sound too upset.
"Yes, please," she replied. "That is a very sensible idea. Then we will know one way or the other."

The next morning they left the twins with Hélène, and strolled on to the big San together. "Hélène is worth her weight in gold," Gill told Armand, as they walked hand in hand along the road that led up to the San. "I don't know what I would do without her."
"That's exactly what Hans was saying yesterday," said Armand with a smile.
"I'm so glad they are happy together," said Gill.
"They aren't nearly as happy as I am with you," he told her, pulling open the door of the San and holding it for her.
"Good morning, Dr. Laroche," the nurse at reception greeted him. "Mrs. Laroche, it's nice to see you."
"We have an appointment with Dr. O'Brien," said Armand.
"He's with a patient at the moment," the nurse told them, "But go along to his office and he should be with you soon."
Armand led Gill along several corridors and up two flights of stairs to an office that bore the name of Dr. O'Brien on the door. They sat in a nearby waiting area, from where they would be able to see when the doctor returned from his patient. Gill slipped her hand into Armand's again.
"I'm scared," she told him.
"You don't need to be," he reminded her. "Either you are pregnant or you aren't. We either keep the baby ourselves or we ask Monique to look after it. It's simple really."
Gill sighed, knowing that she would not be able to hand over her baby to anyone. She would love it and care for it and pray that she might not be overwhelmed with the responsibilities it involved. She hoped that the doctor would arrive soon, as it was rather nerve-racking just sitting and waiting to see him. If only he would hurry back, to put them both out of suspense. Once she knew one way or the other, she would feel a lot more able to decide how she felt about having another baby.
Eventually, Dr. O'Brien, a handsome young Irish doctor, returned to his office. He shook hands with Armand, and Gill could see that he was rather in awe of her husband. It turned out that Armand had spoken to Dr. O'Brien in person about their visit, and he knew what they wanted, so Gill was invited to lie out on the bed, which was already prepared for the doctor to perform his scan. Gill clambered up, wondering why hospital beds were always difficult to get onto. She lay down and pulled up her shirt so that the doctor could apply the cold gel to her stomach. Dr. O'Brien sat down by his monitor and Armand stood behind him, watching the screen intently. Gill was unable to see the screen, but she watched Armand's expression, trying to work out what he was thinking. Finally, unable to stand the suspense a second longer, she demanded, "Well? Are you going to tell me what you can see, or are you both just downright mean?"
"I think we are both downright mean," Armand said, smiling at her cross expression.
"Yes," she told him with dignity. "You are. Now, please tell me."
"You are pregnant," said Dr. O'Brien. "Congratulations, Dr. Laroche, Mrs. Laroche."
Gill closed her eyes and bit her lip hard to stop herself from crying, although she was not sure whether they would be tears of joy or despair. She felt Armand come around to hold her hand, but she did not trust herself to speak. "What else can you tell us?" Armand asked.
"Everything looks normal," said Dr. O'Brien. "And from the size of the baby I would say that you are about twenty-one weeks pregnant, Mrs. Laroche. Does that fit in with your dates?"
"I'm not sure," mumbled Gill, rapidly reaching a point far beyond coherent thought. Armand gently pushed her hair off of her face and patted her shoulder reassuringly.
"We thought it might be due in November," he added helpfully. "Are you sure everything is all right?"
"Yes, it all looks fine," said Dr. O'Brien comfortingly. "The placenta may be a little low, but it will probably move upwards and it's nothing to worry about. The baby looks perfectly normal. I'm afraid I can't be sure if it is a boy or a girl."
"Oh, that's ok," said Armand. "We aren't bothered about that."
Dr. O'Brien passed him some paper tissues to wipe the remains of the gel off of Gill's stomach, and then Armand was helping Gill off of the bed. She felt so shaky that he had to put his arm around her, and guide her over to a chair on the opposite side of Dr. O'Brien's desk. Dr. O'Brien took a few details about Gill's medical history and by the time that she was rolling up her sleeve to get her blood pressure checked, Gill found that she was feeling steadier. Dr. O'Brien proclaimed her blood pressure quite unremarkable, and said that she should feel free to consult him at any time she was feeling anxious about anything, and then they were leaving his office. Armand waited until they were strolling back down the road towards Hélène's home before he broached the subject of the baby.
"Is it going to be all right?" he asked anxiously, having absolutely no idea how she was feeling.
Gill looked up at him. "Yes," she said, sounding surprised. "Yes, I think it will be."
"Thank goodness," he said fervently, recalling just in time that they were walking along the main road and it might not be quite appropriate to seize her and kiss her then and there.
Gill smiled and squeezed his hand. "I might even start getting excited," she warned him. "I wonder what the twins will think. Arminel loves Chantal so much."
"They will be jealous," he warned her. "They are used to having all of your attention, and will find it difficult to cope with having less of your time."
They knocked on the door of Hans' and Hélène's chalet and Hélène came to open it, with Arminel close behind her. "Mama!" exclaimed Arminel, obviously pleased to see them returning. Gill stooped to pick her up, and then she turned to Hélène, who was looking questioningly at her.
"You were right," said Gill.
Hélène threw her arms around Gill and kissed her warmly. "Oh, I am so pleased for you!" she said, sounding delighted. She hugged Armand, too, and then drew them into the house. "Come in and have a cup of tea," she suggested. "Louis is asleep, so Arminel and I were tidying up."
Louis was sleeping soundly on the settee, hemmed in by piles of cushions. Chantal was also fast asleep, in her bassinet in a quiet corner of the room. Gill leaned over the basket to look at her, trying to recall the twins when they had been so little. She found it hard to remember much about them as tiny babies, as she had been so busy and so tired all the time that their baby days were a bit of a blur in her mind. Now she would have another chance to care for a tiny baby, and this time she planned on enjoying it more. She put Arminel down, as that young lady was wriggling vigorously, and watched as she ran over to Armand calling, "Papa, Papa!" as she went.
Armand swung her up into his arms and tossed her into the air, making Arminel laugh uproariously. Gill realised that Armand was thrilled at the prospect of another child and she resolved to give herself a strict lecture every day until she really believed that things would be different this time. After all, there was just one baby, so she would have only half of the work that the twins had given her. She would just have to feed one baby, and she would have time to sleep during the night. It would definitely be better this time.

Over the summer they travelled to France to visit Monique and to meet André. He turned out to be a very ordinary looking man, some years older than Monique, but it was clear that he absolutely adored her. Monique happily admitted to Gill that André was wonderful. He was quietly spoken and intelligent and, most importantly for Monique, the last person who would ever be unfaithful. Monique's first husband had been persistently unfaithful to her and she had found his faithlessness wearying. She had loved Pierre dearly, and always welcomed him back with open arms, but she admitted to Gill that she was relieved to be with a man she knew she could trust. In addition to Monique's own happiness, Sophie was also happy. André had a young son, called Olivier, just a year younger than Sophie, and as interested in painting and sketching as she was herself. The two of them got along very well together and Gill knew that her daughter's happiness would be more important to Monique than Monique's own happiness.
After a wonderful holiday with Monique, Armand and Gill travelled back to the Platz and Armand returned to work. Gill had discussed her own job with Miss Wilson, and had declared her intention of returning to work after the Christmas holidays. She did not plan on sitting at home feeling sorry for herself, so she decided to return to work as soon as possible after the birth of the baby. She knew that Armand would have preferred her to agree to taking a year off work, or perhaps longer, but he understood her reluctance to stay at home with three small children. She had already spoken to Barbara and reserved a place at the kindergarten for the new baby, and hoped that it would be just as easy to get three children there each morning as it was to get two children there.
Compared with expecting twins, Gill found it very easy expecting one baby. She did not get nearly as big as she had been by seven months with the twins, and she found that she had far more energy; that was just as well, since Louis and Arminel were as active as ever. She had very little to buy for the new baby as she already possessed enough clothes to kit out either a boy or a girl, and all the necessary bassinets and cots and bottles and things. All she had to do was rearrange the bedroom a little so that she could fit a bassinet in near the bed, to save her having to go a long way in the night when the baby was crying.
As November drew nearer, Gill found that she could not sort out her emotions at all. She went from eager anticipation of the baby's arrival to an almost debilitating fear that she would soon be succumbing to another bout of depression, and often experienced both emotions on the same day, along with a variety of intermediate feelings. Some days she had endless patience and boundless energy. Other days she shouted at the twins and snapped at Armand. He started to tread warily on his return from work, until he had ascertained Gill's mood. On good days he could kiss her and chat to her about his day at the San, or hers at St. Mildred's, but on bad days he had to spend time coaxing her into a good humour before she would give him anything more than monosyllabic answers to his questions.

After such intensity of emotion, Armand was secretly relieved when he was awoken in the early hours of the morning by Gill poking him and hissing his name until he opened his eyes. "It's started," she informed him, and he noticed that she was fully dressed, even wearing her coat and scarf.
"Why didn't you wake me sooner?" he complained, flinging back the bedcovers and leaping out of bed.
"I've called Hélène and she's on her way," Gill went on, ignoring his question. "Come on, hurry up." She picked up the suitcase that had been packed almost since they had discovered that she really was expecting another baby.
"Put that down," he said firmly, pulling on a jumper over his shirt. "Just sit down and wait a moment and then I'll give you a hand."
"I can't," she said, looking anxiously at him.
"Yes, you can," he told her, pulling her over to the bed and sitting her on the edge of it. "It's going to be all right, darling," he said soothingly. "Try to relax."
Gill took a deep breath and managed to smile at him. "I'm nervous," she admitted. "Actually, it's worse than being nervous. I'm scared to death."
Armand finished tucking in his shirt and sat down next to her, slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to him. "You have done this before," he reminded her. "It's supposed to be easier the second time around. And I shall be right beside you all the time."
Gill gasped as she felt another contraction and Armand gently rubbed her back, not easy to do through her thick winter coat. Once the pain had passed, Armand put on his socks and they went downstairs together. While he put on his outdoor things, Gill opened the door and greeted Hélène, who had arrived with a sleeping Chantal.
"Are you sure you will be all right?" Gill asked her.
"Yes, of course I will," answered Hélène reassuringly. "Don't worry about a thing, Gill."
Armand helped Gill out to the car and settled her in the back seat, then he drove her to the San. Dr. O'Brien was on duty, and he soon had Gill settled comfortably in a delivery room. Dr. O'Brien had a wonderful bedside manner, putting Gill at ease and even Armand relaxed, knowing that his precious wife was in such safe hands.
The birth was surprisingly easy. Only three hours after Gill had arrived at the hospital, Dr. O'Brien was delivering the baby, a beautiful, healthy girl. They took her away and washed and weighed her, and gave Gill a bath, too, and mother and daughter were finally reunited in a small room just off of the maternity ward. Armand brought the baby up to his wife, who was lying against a pile of pillows eating a sandwich in a manner that suggested she had not eaten for several days.
"She is absolutely fine," Armand said, sitting next to Gill and placing the baby in her arms. "Congratulations, Madame Laroche, you have done it again! She's a beautiful baby, if I do say so myself!"
"Oh, she's precious," said Gill, her eyes misting with tears as she looked down at the baby. She could scarcely believe how protective she felt towards her, nor believe the joy that gripped her as she looked down at her little pink face. She had a shock of black hair, much as Louis had done when he was born, and the same dark blue eyes. She was considerably bigger than the twins had been, Armand informed her, weighing just over eight pounds. After some discussion, they decided to name her Héloïse.
In the afternoon Armand brought the twins in to see their new sister, and although they did not seem too impressed with her they were very happy to see Gill again. She spent a long time cuddling them before Armand took them back home again, where Hélène would be looking after them until Monique had arrived from France.

Knowing what lay ahead for her, Gill made sure that she rested as much as she could whilst she was in the hospital. She stayed there for five days in all, and by the time she left, she was so eager to get home she could hardly contain her excitement. Monique had taken care of Armand and the twins very competently, but Gill knew that her babies were glad to have her home again. She tried not to do too much when she got home, but they were unwilling to let her sit for long, continually finding good reasons as to why she should get up and do things with them.
Héloïse turned out to be wonderfully well behaved, much to Gill's relief. She ate well and slept well, managing to sleep through the night from just over three months of age. She seldom cried, and was a very contented baby. The twins soon accepted her presence and although Gill had to watch them carefully, they were always very gentle when they sat next to her as she held the baby. Arminel was eager to cuddle her sister, and to help Gill with her, and struggled valiantly to pronounce Héloïse's name. Louis was less interested, although he, too, enjoyed watching Héloïse splashing in the bath and tried to quieten her if she was crying.
As the weeks passed, Gill was relieved to discover that the dreaded depression did not return. She was always busy and often exhausted, but was extremely happy with her life. She worked fewer hours at St. Mildred's on her return, and so was able to enjoy all the benefits of working, but still have time to spend at home with the children while they were little.
A final happiness arrived in the spring, in the shape of Jacynth Hardy. She turned up unannounced on the doorstep one Saturday morning and flung herself at Gill so that there could be no possible doubt in Gill's mind that she was well and truly forgiven. Jacynth could not stay for long, but she told Gill that she was giving some concerts in Europe and would be performing in Interlaken during the forthcoming week. She presented Gill with tickets for the concert and told Gill that she and Armand simply had to get down to Interlaken to enjoy the concert and then go to dinner with her afterwards. They would be able to catch up on all the news and it would be an excellent opportunity for Gill and Armand to have a pleasant evening out. Jacynth had to dash away, as she had promised to visit the school that afternoon, to play for some of the more musical pupils and answer their questions about her career.
Gill and Armand had arranged for Hélène and Hans to look after the children – not as difficult as it could be, as both Louis and Arminel slept early and seldom awoke in the night, and Héloïse could also be relied upon to sleep for most of the night. They drove down to Interlaken, feeling delightfully free and happy, and thoroughly enjoyed the concert. Armand was impressed by Jacynth's talent, and Gill was able to listen to his whispered comments without the slightest tinge of jealousy. After the concert, they met Jacynth and the conductor, an untidy man with long hair and a clever face, who Jacynth introduced as Raymond Blake. In response to Gill's questioning look, Jacynth nodded almost imperceptibly and blushed, leaving Gill to wonder exactly how things stood between her friend and the scruffy conductor.
They had a delightful evening, and Raymond proved to be an affable young man, who quite plainly adored Jacynth. They caught up on plenty of news and both Jacynth and Gill promised to try harder to write more than just a Christmas or birthday card with a quick note inside. They took their leave of Jacynth and Raymond and as she strolled along, holding hands with Armand, Gill recalled the evening they had spent in Interlaken after the twins were born.
"It's been better than that this evening, hasn't it," she observed, smiling up at him.
"Much better," he agreed. "I'm so proud of you, Gill, for picking yourself up and getting back on with everything again."
"I've only been able to do it because of you," she told him honestly. "You have been the most solid lump of comfort in the world."
With a chuckle, Armand decided that he no longer cared whether he was in a public place or not, and he caught hold of Gill and kissed her thoroughly. Whether she realized it or not, she was made of incredibly strong stuff and he hoped that she had come through the worst that life would ever offer her and find only happiness ahead of her from then on.
#14:  Author: claireM, Location: rotherham PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2006 5:39 pm
    —
Thanks Becky, I didn't catch this first time round, really glad I did this time. Smile
The CBB -> Ste Therese's House


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