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#1: Dunkirk Letter (completed 30.10) Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:17 am
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Thank you for all the comments on "Christmas 1939." I appreciated them very much.
I had intended to post the first part of the next long story,which follows on from "Christmas" and a large portion of which is already written. But instead, this arrived on my desktop, and the voice was very insistent that it be posted next. It is quite a lot further on in time - in fact, I will be backtracking a bit when I do post the long story, but somehow, it just has to be done this way.

“Excuse me, Miss Wilson, but there is a gentleman asking to see you.” Nell looked up with a faint frown at the speaker, one of the maids who had accompanied the school on its removal from Guernsey to Armiford almost four months ago.
“I’m sorry Michelle, what was that?”
“A gentleman has arrived and he is asking to see you,” replied the maid. Nell laid down the form list that she was considering and sighed.
“Are you sure he wants to see me, rather than Miss Annersley?” she asked the girl. Michelle nodded, her face very serious.
“Oh yes, Miss Wilson; he asked for you by name. And he gave me this.” She held out a small card, and Nell took it, her frown deepening as she read the words on it.
“’Rabbi Jonathan Marks.’ What on earth -?” She shook her head in bewilderment. “Oh well, I suppose I’d better see him. Where have you put him, Michelle?”
“He is waiting in the library, Miss Wilson,” replied the girl. Nell capped her pen, tucked the form list back into its folder, and got up. She glanced quickly at her reflection in the mirror over the mantelpiece, tucked back a stray wisp of hair, and satisfied that she was in a fit state to see a visitor, left the room, wondering as she did so, exactly who this man could be and why he wanted to see her, rather than Hilda. She stopped outside the library, and waited while Michelle opened the door, then followed her into the room.
“Miss Wilson, Mr – no, Rabbi Marks,” Michelle said, stumbling slightly over the unfamiliar name.

A tall man wearing the uniform of an army Chaplain was standing at the window, looking out at the garden that was so peaceful in the summer afternoon. As Nell went towards him, he turned to face her and almost automatically, she noted the purple insignia on the black cap that he held between his hands. She looked at him carefully; his clear-cut face was weary and his eyes were very bleak - and oddly defensive. She stood still, waiting for him to speak, but somehow already knowing why he was here.

“Miss Wilson?” Nell took the hand outstretched in greeting, vaguely aware that the man’s fingers were cold despite the heat of the afternoon. Everything suddenly seemed wrong; the sunlight was too bright, the objects in the room were too clearly defined, the perfume of the roses outside the window sickened her, and the sound of a blackbird’s cry of alarm at the sight of the cook’s cat was intolerably shrill. Even the tiniest motes of dust eddying in the shifting air seemed somehow ominous. For a second, she wanted to turn and flee, leave this room and this stranger and hide away where nobody could find her. Then she heard her voice echoing inside her mind as she replied in measured tones,
“How do you do Rabbi Marks? I am Helena Wilson. How may I help you?”

Last edited by Cath V-P on Mon Oct 30, 2006 11:06 am; edited 10 times in total

#2: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:49 am
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Why? Why is he there?

OK Cath, you have me intrigued. Laughing

#3: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:08 am
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Poor Nell, suddenly having to face her fears like that again. I'm not quite sure what exactly she is seeing, where she (presumably) knows this man from, but she is definately being pushed into something she doesn't feel ready for. Mind you, when would anyone feel ready for facing some of the things Nell has gone through...

Thanks Cath

#4: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:39 am
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Sounds interesting ...

#5: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 11:54 am
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More, please, Cath.

#6: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 12:55 pm
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Oh goodness! - I can hazard a couple of guesses at the news the Rabbi may bring, and fear that whatever it is, it won't be good. No wonder the day suddenly seems bleak to Nell.

More please, Cath - this definitely sounds interesting.

#7: Author: janem, Location: Ash, Surrey

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 1:23 pm
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What is he going to say. I have absolutely no idea, but very much want to know. Please.

I am delighted that you are carrying on Cath. I did enjoy 1939. Thank you

#8: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 1:52 pm
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Wonderful, if tense, start, Cath. One can feel the fear in Nell when she sees the *oddly defensive* attitude and the bleak eyes of her visitor. And one can make a guess as to why. Oh dear. Crying or Very sad

Thank you.

#9: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 2:44 pm
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Oh no!!!!! Suddenly realised why he could be there. Crying or Very sad

Poor Nell.

#10: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 3:19 pm
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I want to know what he's going to say, too!

#11: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 4:35 pm
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This is very intriguing and that was almost a cruel place to leave it. Lesley's comment has really confused me too. I want to know what happens next but I have a feeling it won't be good!

#12: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:28 pm
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*already worried*

*thinks about who Nell knows in the services*
and then flashes back to the experiences with the Nazis
hmmmmmm

#13: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:49 pm
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She does, of course, have a very dear friend connected with the services ... oh dear, I hope not. Sad

#14: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 11:00 pm
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Blimey!

Thanks Cath. *wibbles*

#15: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:52 am
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Shocked

I think I need an update, please Cath, to put me out of my anguished anticipation....... chocolate isn`t working.

#16: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 8:56 am
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Hmm think I know too and if so poor Nell.

Thank you Cath.

#17: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 11:04 am
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Oh no! Hope it isn't who and what I think it is. Sad

#18: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 1:13 pm
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Thank you for your comments. And I'm so sorry:cry: ...

Rabbi Marks hesitated, then gestured towards two of the armchairs.
“Perhaps we might sit down?” he began.
“By all means,” said Nell quietly. Her heart was thudding unevenly and it seemed to her that she was standing outside herself listening to a stranger who was addressing her from a great distance. Yet, somehow, she was not surprised; this moment had lain in wait since the darkness of that hour at Christmas. Carefully she smoothed her skirt, folded her hands in her lap and turned a remote gaze upon the man who sat so stiffly on the edge of his chair. There was an uneasy silence, and Nell had the clear impression that he was searching for the words to define the incomprehensible. Finally he spoke.
“Miss Wilson, I have brought you a letter,” he said carefully, producing a small oilcloth package from his pocket. “I received it from Father Michael Drayton - a little while ago. He asked me to bring it to you, and explain things, if I could.” He stopped, and held out the packet; Nell took it, looked at it briefly, then laid it in her lap and waited for him to continue.
“We were on the beach together at Dunkirk,” he said eventually, then stopped. Nell waited, knowing that this was only the beginning. “I don’t know what you heard about Dunkirk,” he continued. Nell took a deep breath; far down inside her, a knot of fear tightened inexorably, and she felt strangely cold. She licked suddenly dry lips and forced herself to answer him.
“Some things were broadcast,” she said. “They had to be, I think. We knew that there was an evacuation planned and that despite all the odds, so many more men were rescued than had seemed possible. As well as the destroyers, there were the small boats, and they got so many away.” She stopped, and he nodded, his mouth compressed.
“Yes, you’re right, so many more were saved than had been anticipated, but there were others that weren’t – there were companies that simply couldn’t get to the beach; the Germans were there before them, so they were taken prisoner. And of course some were killed; getting to the beach was no guarantee of anything, especially towards the end. And then when it was clear that time was running out, some tried to delay the German advance a little, to allow as many men as possible to be taken off the beach.” He paused and looked at Nell, sitting very still, then looked away, out of the window and added in a low voice, “Some people – chose to stay.” Again there was a painful silence, and in a lightning flash of understanding, Nell knew what he had to tell her.
“Michael?” she breathed.

#19: Author: Miranda, Location: Perth, Western Australia

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 1:53 pm
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NoooOOO Crying or Very sad

He was who had sprung into my mind when I read the first post and I was hoping it wasn't going to be him.... (although I have to admit that the alternative of it being some Nazi soldier wasn't exactly appealing either)

Crying or Very sad

Poor poor Nell.

#20: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 2:01 pm
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Oh No!!

Like Miranda, I already suspected that this might be the news awaiting Nell - and from what we know about Michael himself, from 'Christmas', it's just what we might have expected him to do - to risk his own life in order that others might survive. I think Nell will be able to draw some comfort from that in the end - she would know he would follow his instincts there. But I'm glad that she will have his letter to treasure.

Thanks, Cath - I think! Presumably the Rabbi will be able to tell Nell more about Michael's actions?

#21: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 2:14 pm
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I thought that was going to be it. Crying or Very sad

Thank you Cath.

#22: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:23 pm
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Yep, as I suspected. Crying or Very sad

And the duty for Chaplains is the same as for medical staff - you stay where you can be of help - that was a surprise when I discovered it on joining the Army! Laughing

Thanks Cath - do hope Hilda's there to ease the pain.

#23: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:45 pm
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Poor Nell Sad

#24: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 7:55 pm
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Oh, even though I knew it must be, it's still so hard to read. Poor Nell. Crying or Very sad

She will need Hllda so much after this. And Hilda will understand....after all, did she not lose James?

Than you, Cath

#25: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 8:10 pm
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Oh, poor Nell! Still, she will find help and support from Hilda.

#26: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 9:11 pm
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Poor Nell and poor Hilda who will need all of her strength to help Nell through this.

#27: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 1:48 am
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I was afraid it would be Michael. Sad

#28: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 11:29 pm
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Crying or Very sad

So sad. Poor Nell.

Thanks Cath,

#29: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 9:05 am
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Thank you for your comments: and I wish this could be happier. Next part; I think my information is correct.

He got up and walked restlessly across to the window where he stood looking out at the garden again.
“We came up the road together - what was left of it - with the remnants of several platoons.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what you’ve heard about it, but there was no panic, you know – just a desperate sense of urgency. We’d been told to head for the beach at Dunkirk, that if we got there in time, there was a chance we would be evacuated. So we marched on and on, as fast as we could – following the rumours! We left so much behind as we went - tanks, trucks, fuel, artillery, ammunition, everything that would slow us. There was resistance that bought extra time, at Calais and Arras.” He swung round and stared into her steady grey eyes, his face rigidly calm as he spoke. Only his hands, turning his cap over and over betrayed the turmoil of his thoughts. “The ones who could, they got to the beaches as fast as they were able. The rest of us, the remnants, followed on behind.” There was a silence, and the shadows lengthened across the carpet. Nell sat, waiting, not daring to move, scarcely breathing; she needed to know what he was trying to say, to understand what he was describing.
“As we marched, we met other platoons, other companies, all making for the beach, all of us – retreating. On and on, always to the sea, always listening for - thinking they were behind us. By the time we got there, there were so many of us, from so many platoons and divisions, all following the road to the coast. But still orderly, still marching, just about.” He looked at her and answered the unspoken question in her eyes. “I met him when several groups of us came together near a crossroads north of Lille. Like me, Father Drayton was with several men who had been wounded – nothing too serious, but enough to slow them. And as we got closer, there were more of them, the roads were attacked by air and the Panzer divisions were approaching. I don’t know why they didn’t simply come through and pick us off.” He stopped again, ordering his thoughts, while Nell gazed at him so that it seemed as if the silent intensity of her stare would drag the words from him.
“I think we were just about the last to make it through; the encirclement was very close by then. Why it didn’t happen, I don’t know…. they had enough time. The bombardment, the shells and the aircraft – the noise – and the fear of not knowing what would happen. Fear has its own aroma.” His voice drifted away and he shook his head. “We got onto the beach, somehow, moving to the sea…the sand was stained with oil and blood, there was equipment lying everywhere, and barbed wire, but we could see the destroyers, see our freedom.”
“Then we realised, that it was true what we’d heard: there were small boats there as well - steam yachts, fishing boats, ferries, pleasure cruisers – all able to get closer to the shore and take men to the destroyers or take them on to England - and thery were there for us, waiting for us, just about the last. So we left everything apart from the men’s rifles and waded into the water, got as many of them into the boats as we could, knowing that time was running out. And there wasn’t room, not for everyone. So a group of us stood back, in the shallows or on the beach, and ordered the rest to go on. Not that it mattered, because we would have had to stay anyway. Then, as we waited, he turned to me, fished in his pocket, and handed me a package wrapped in oilcloth.”

#30: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 10:28 am
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ooooooh a package? I have a feeling this is going to be a devastating package. This is very powerfully written. Thank you.

#31: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 11:59 am
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From all I've ever read about the Dunkirk evacuation, this seems to be a very accurate recounting. Certainly the 'flotilla of small boats' waiting to ferry people out to the larger boats was a most striking element of it.

It must have been hard for Rabbi Marks to re-tell what happened so soon after the event, too - but also essential for Nell to hear, so that she can accept what has happened to Michael.

I'm wondering just what is in the package the Rabbi has brought, too, but I have no doubt that it's something which Nell will treasure, once her initial grief is allayed. Thank goodness Hilda will be there to help her through that.

Thanks Cath.

#32: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 1:44 pm
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I agree. This is really well written and is very compelling and realistic. Thanks!

#33: Author: Lulu, Location: West Midlands, UK

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 1:58 pm
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I've just read all of this in one go - it's had me both laughing and crying, it's wonderful. I love the relationship that you've shown between Nell and Hilda. Thank you, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

#34: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 3:54 pm
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Cath V-P wrote:

Far has its own aroma.

So true - and I could feel it even as I read the Rabbi's words. One can only shudder whenever one thinks of that beach at Dunkirk.

I ask myself - why did Michael hand the package to the Rabbi? What did he know? Did he have a premonition? For who could say who would die and who would survive?

Thank you, Cath.

#35: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 5:10 pm
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I would expect that Michael did it so that, if the Rabbi survivred and he didn't, that the package got through. If Michael survived he'd just ask for it back later.

My grandfather was at Dunkirk - had two little boats shot out from under him before the third got him to a destroyer.

Thanks Cath.

#36: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:50 am
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Thanks Cath.

#37: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:52 am
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As ever, thank you for the comments. This has evolved a little more than I expected.

“Take these home for me.”
“What the devil are you talking about?”
“You’re getting in that boat is what I’m talking about. And taking my letters home.”
“Don’t be so bloody ridiculous, I’m an Army chaplain: it’s my job to stay where I’m needed, just as you are-”
“You can’t stay; it’s too dangerous for you here now, and it would achieve nothing.”

For a moment, it seemed to Nell that she was there, watching them face one another at the edge of the water, Rabbi Marks resisting Michael’s words, an angry fire burning in his eyes and Michael, his face calmly determined, hands tucked into his pockets, and only the faintest compression of his mouth betraying the urgency of the moment. Then the picture was gone, and the Rabbi was speaking to her once more.

“There was a space in the boat; he told me I had to take it, get back to England. I was furious; I couldn’t believe what he was saying - especially when he laughed, said that he wasn’t going to argue any more, and that I had to make sure that his letters were delivered! I was so angry, I couldn’t say anything, just tried to grab him by the shoulder, force him not to be stupid. Then,” he grinned sheepishly, “ the next thing I knew I was flat on my back in the water, soaked and with an aching jaw. And before I could do anything, two of the men grabbed me and dragged me to the boat, threw me in and more or less sat on me. That priest of yours throws a good punch.” Despite everything, Nell smiled ruefully.
“He always did,” she commented reflectively. “I could tell you tales -” She stopped abruptly, as the words caught in her throat, silencing her.
“You’ve known him a long time,” stated the Rabbi.
“All my life,” she replied quietly.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “He should be here; I know that.” He sighed, his shoulders bowing under the weight of an invisible burden. The room was hushed again and Nell closed her eyes, praying for strength. In her lap, her hands clenched into fists again, nails digging into her palms and the sudden pain steadied her. She looked at the Rabbi; he was staring at her, very still, almost rigid, “ as if,” she thought, “he is awaiting judgement.” Finally, he spoke.
“You haven’t asked me, you know.” Nell blinked in confusion.
“What should I ask?” she said warily. He laughed harshly, almost bitterly.
“What else but why I am here. Why me, and not him?” His gaze left hers abruptly, but not before she had glimpsed a depth of pain and guilt that shocked her.
“But I know why,” she said immediately, knowing that she had to try to ease this unhappiness, regardless of her own misery. “If that was the choice that had to be made, then he was right; you had to come back, and he had to make sure that you did.” He shook his head, angrily.
“I shouldn’t have let him do it.” A smile briefly touched Nell’s mouth.
“I don’t think he gave you much choice did he?”
“He knew I wouldn’t agree.”
“So he had to force you. And he was right, Rabbi. You know what would have happened to you if the Germans had captured you.” There was a silence and some of the tautness left his face.
“He said that you would understand,” he murmured. “He said that you knew, because you had seen some of the happenings in Europe.”
“I saw -”. She stopped, the metallic taste of bitter memory filling her mouth, then tried again. “I saw an old man running in fear before a mob simply because he was Jewish.” He bowed his head. “He and his wife died that day. And then….” She fell silent, cold claws of terror and pain tearing at her; only to Hilda had she been able too speak of that horror in the garden. “He was right,” she said vehemently, seizing his hands. “You could not have stayed. I know that - he was right.”

#38: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 6:32 am
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Oh Cath. Poor Nell. Not only does she have to accept that Michael is gone, but now she has to bring comfort to the Rabbi, and remember her experiences more fully in the process. There is no real comfort for her here, even as she admits that michael being who he is, made the correct choice. what a brave man he was, able to work out not only that one had to go, and the other to stay, but to understand that as much as he might have wanted to go himself, it meant so much more to his companion to be forced to go.

Now if only Nell can hold herself together until she can get Hilda to be strong for her again.

Thanks Cath

#39: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:05 pm
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As Nell said, Michael was right in every way - he knew what the Rabbi would face if caught, he knew he had to be brutal to make him go, and most of all he knew Nell. She would help the Rabbi understand as no one else could.

But he probably hadn't bargained for the pain it would recall in Nell. Crying or Very sad

I only hope Hilda's arms are ready and waiting - she has helped Nell through so much, forced her to become herself again, and she won't want this death to destroy it all.

Thank you, Cath

#40: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 1:18 pm
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Michael was indeed, right in every way in insisting that the Rabbi was the one to take the single place left in that boat, and why, even though he had to resort to force to make it happen. Knowing what he did of Nell's own experiences in Austria, he also knew that she, above anyone, would understand just why he had to act as he did, despite the fact it would also rekindle her memories of that dreadful time.

Interestingly, I think that Nell had more than a sneaking sense that Michael would not be returning from France when she said farewell to Michael that Christmas - there was an uncanny sense of finality in their parting. (Of course, that could be 50-50 hindsight on my part now, but I don't think so.)

Even though she will of course, grieve for his loss, she will come to accept it, I'm sure, in the spirit of 'Greater love hath no man than this...'

Like Mary, I hope that Hilda will be able to comfort her and help her through this latest blow, as she has helped her come to terms with so much from that earlier experience, as well as other events in her life.

Thanks, Cath

#41: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:47 pm
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Thank you, Cath, even though I am in tears...... Crying or Very sad

#42: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 4:26 pm
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This is really moving. Thank you.

#43: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:21 pm
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Brave man Michael, and a brave lady Nell - struggling though her own pain to give comfort to a stranger.

Thanks Cath.

#44: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 7:48 pm
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This is painfully brilliantly written. Thank you.

#45: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 3:19 am
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Definitely the right move, getting the rabbi away. And of course Nell would understand....

#46: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 6:01 am
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I agree. This is very moving and beautifully written.
Thanks Cath

#47: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 12:32 pm
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Thank you for your feedback everyone. This has been hard to write.

He did not say anything, but stood simply gazing past her, out of the window into the garden. Yet despite this, Nell was aware of a subtle shifting within him, as though light had entered a darkened room.
“Sometimes,” she said reluctantly, “the worst thing is the guilt. You spend so much time wondering why it happened this way, and asking what you did to deserve it. And – so often – you can’t answer that, it feels like blind chance, even though it wasn’t, even though you owe everything that you have to someone’s decision, someone else’s choice. You keep asking what can you do to justify that? And there’s never an answer. And so it seems that there is nothing, except the guilt.” He looked intently at her then, but said nothing, so she continued, a little desperately and praying for the right words. “Guilt by itself doesn’t help,” she whispered. “Not unless you can use it somehow. And other people, if they don’t understand, can make it worse. And that isn’t always their fault either, although it can be. But if they haven’t seen, or don’t know, then it’s so hard for them to understand.” She stopped, trying to work out what to say next, and the fragments of thought coalesced to diamond clarity. “You said ‘letters’,” she said slowly. “One to me, and one to – Claire? Was it Claire? Surely not?” He gave a great sigh, as though an intolerable load had been taken from him.
“I saw Father Drayton’s sister,” he replied slowly. “I’m not sure how much she understood, but she was - kind. Then his mother joined us, and -”
“I see,” said Nell shortly, fighting down a sudden volcanic surge of anger. “No, she would be neither kind, nor understanding. I’ve known her a long time,” she added, answering the unasked question, “ and she has never been particularly considerate of other people. Sometimes, I don’t think she sees them as people at all – just hindrances when they get in her way.” The Rabbi looked directly at her, his face bleak.
“She was very angry with me, bitterly angry. I was prepared for sadness and incomprehension and yes, some anger, but not that depth of vengeful hatred. Nothing that the younger Mrs Drayton could say would stop her, she just carried on, raving furiously. And I could say nothing to her. She raged at me and who I was, denounced her son for squandering his life for me who was worth nothing, and finally left the room cursing and crying. It was terrible.” He sat down again, as if exhausted, and fell silent. Nell shuddered, recalling the shrill insistent clamour of Mrs Drayton’s voice from fifteen years earlier.
“You mustn’t feel guilty,” she said softly, but with an unmistakeable determination ringing in her voice. “Michael would never have wanted that; he made a decision - being Michael he couldn’t have done anything else. Guilt doesn’t help – I know that.” She was quiet again, uneasily aware of the pain that lay in wait for her; suddenly an echo of the conversation that she had had with Michael at the cottage came to her, and she heard his words as clearly as if he were beside her: I believe it is going to get worse. What else could I do? “I agree, Michael,” she said to the empty air. “Whatever it cost you, I agree.”

#48: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 12:48 pm
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Cath, I can understand why this was so hard to write - it doesn't make easy reading, either, but it's all true, so very true.

Thank goodness that Nell was able to help the Rabbi - her words on the subject of guilt were so carefully chosen, and so right. And the fact that she had experience of Michael's mother and her reactions must also have been really reassuring. It was so typical of his mother to lash out blindly, blaming the Rabbi for her son's death, just as she had raged at Nell all those years ago for 'allowing' him to follow his calling rather than marrying her.

Nell's response to that memory of Michael's words to her at the cottage are also reassuring - she knows she will grieve his loss, but in the end will, indeed, agree that being Michael, he could have done nothing other than what he did. And Hilda will be there to help her accept that.

Thank you.

#49: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 2:51 pm
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Phew - that was stunning reading, and as Elder, I can well understand how difficult it must have been to write.

Poor Rabbi - to have to face such heaped up malvolence. As if he could have done anything about Michaels decision! I am glad that Claire was able to be kind.

I am sure he is relieved that Nell was able to tell him about the kind of person she was, without letting her own anger at his treatment overcome her.

I hope her passionate words help him.

Thank you Cath

#50: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 3:03 pm
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Selfish love, expecially a selfish mother's love, sees no pain but its own. It lashes out blindly at whatever takes her child from her, whether it be a vocation or death itself. And so she loses - loses even her son in the end, for she doesn't understand his choices.

Whereas the Rabbi and Nell know there is another way, the way of acceptance and trust. You may feel guilt that he gave you your life - but, as Nell says, that guilt has to be used in a good way, so that the sacrifice was not in vain. And Nell has seen to it that it won't be, for the Rabbi will heed her words. Like Michael, she accepts the cost.

Thank God she has Hilda to help with the inevitable pain - but there should also be pride in Michael's courage.

Thank you, Cath.

#51: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:38 pm
—
This is stunning and painful and brilliant all at once. (((hugs))) this must be hard to write.

#52: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 7:32 pm
—
Cath, that was so moving. Mrs. Drayton senior had no real love for her son as he was, she saw him as her possession, and she would never be able to understand the love of mankind that would have been Michael's reason for making the Rabbi leave.

#53: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 8:16 pm
—
Thanks for this, Cath. It's really moving.

#54: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 12:45 pm
—
*agrees* Very moving, Cath. Thanks.

#55: Author: Lulu, Location: West Midlands, UK

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 2:21 pm
—
It really is moving. Thanks Cath.

#56: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 4:58 pm
—
Thank you Cath - however much Mrs Drayton was hurting she had no business lashing out at the Rabbi - and in particular making him feel guilty about the fact that he survived.

I would imagine a great deal of the anger was due to guilt.

#57: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:14 pm
—
Nell knows all about the guilt of the survivor, of course, and the helplessness before forces of evil greater than one has ever imagine - and the impossibility of people who have not had to face it truly understanding.

Mrs Drayton has lost so much in not being able to be proud of her son's sacrifice, not knowing who he really was, imprisoned in her selfishness.

Nell has been so supportive of the Rabbi, and has held her own grief at bay to be so. She has still to cope with reading that letter, of course - but the 'steady grey eyes' of a few posts ago embody for me her steadfastness and strength, and she will have Hilda's love as well to comfort her.

Thank you, Cath, this must be draining to write.

#58: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 11:38 am
—
Thank you Cath.

#59: Author: Miranda, Location: Perth, Western Australia

Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 2:52 pm
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Nell has done so well to help the Rabbi this far - his guilt at leaving someone to die must have been incredible. By now he must have told the story a number of times to people who loved Michael, and perhaps expecting a Mrs-Drayton-esque reaction at each. That would have been so hard on him.

Hoping Nell gets some comfort of her own soon.

Thanks Cath.

#60: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:12 am
—
Thank you for all your comments; here is a little more. It is evolving, but rather slowly...

There was a long and heavy silence, until finally the Rabbi slowly stood up.
“I wish I could I could have brought you more definite news,” he said. “Not just a letter.” Nell gave him a fleeting smile, which momentarily chased the sadness from her eyes, and picked up the little packet from where it lay on the arm of the chair.
“Rabbi Marks, this letter is something that I would never have expected, and I can’t thank you enough for taking the trouble to bring it to me.” He shrugged, deprecatingly.
“I would have been here sooner, but it took me a little longer than I expected to track down exactly where the Chalet School was.” At this Nell started slightly.
“Goodness, yes! We’ve only been here for one term; we left Guernsey at Easter, and were lucky enough to be able to rent this house – but of course, Claire wouldn’t have known that we were here. I did tell Michael that we had moved, but I don’t know if he received that letter.”
“I don’t think he did,” replied the Rabbi. “He thought you’d be leaving Guernsey and going to England, but he didn’t know any more than that.”
“So how did you find me?” asked Nell curiously.
“I finally went to an educational agency in London, and they were able to help - although it took a little while for them to find the information.”
“It was very good of you to take so much trouble,” she said. His mouth twisted wryly at her words.
“Believe me, Miss Wilson, I was pleased to be able to do it.” He paused, then went on, “I’m sure you know this already, but he was ideally suited to be an army chaplain; I don’t mean that he glorified war, or anything like that, but the men trusted him completely, and he was a proper man of God.” Nell suddenly found it difficult to speak; the Rabbi’s words had conjured up the memory of Michael bidding her go with God, then walking into the darkness….
“Yes, he was,” she said chokily. Far down inside her, the pain that she had not yet acknowledged bloomed again, and she resolutely turned away from it. When he had left, when Hilda was with her again, then she would deal with it. She drew a deep breath, ignoring the raw hurt of the moment.
“Thank you for coming here,” she said gently. “I do understand that it was not easy.” He stood up then, and held out his hand, his face somehow less haunted than it had been when she first had first seen him.
“Thank you,” he said. “He was a truly brave man, and I am glad that his friends appreciate him.” Nell nodded, then forced herself to ask the question that she had been trying to avoid.
“Do you - do you think there’s any chance he might have survived?”

#61: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:18 am
—
Thank you Cath. I suppose there is a chance but I guess its slight and if he did it's likely as a PoW.

#62: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 12:06 pm
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How typical of Nell to force down that dawning sense of grief and loss until after the Rabbi has left. And thank goodness he was able, in the end to find out the school's new address and deliver Michael's package in person to Nell - so much better for them both than simply posting it to her with a covering note. I'm glad to see, too, that she will 'deal with her raw grief' when Hilda is there to help her - at least we know that she won't bottle it up indefinitely.

It's completely understandable that Nell has to ask if there is a chance Michael might have survived - and in the confusion following Dunkirk, it is, of course, not impossible, though my own sense is that it's unlikely.

Thanks, Cath.

#63: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 12:13 pm
—
This is very emotive. Thanks, Cath.

#64: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 12:17 pm
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She's seeing a glimmer of hope where she hadn't before. But only a glimmer. However, the *raw pain* to come will be eased by the words of the Rabbi, that this man of God was trusted by his men, that he had made the right decisions in his life, led by the God he loved.

Nell has handed all her pain to Hilda just recently, and found strength and renewal; so now, in the arms of this woman who lost her own fiance and has such exquisite sympathy, she will once more be upheld - and they will rely on God to uphold them both in the dark years ahead.

Thanks, Cath.

#65: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 12:35 pm
—
Powerful and amazing and true all at once - as usual. Thank you for writing this.

#66: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 5:01 pm
—
Thank you Cath, of course Nell didn't love Michael as a lover, but she did love him as a friend - and her sense of loss will be so deep. Wonder if there is a chance that he survived - surely the family would have been informed? Crying or Very sad

#67: Author: Lulu, Location: West Midlands, UK

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 5:05 pm
—
Poor Nell Sad

This is making me feel rather tearful. Thanks Cath.

#68: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 6:16 pm
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Please, please, please let there be a chance.

Thanks Cath. As someone's already said, this is very emotive indeed.

#69: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 11:17 pm
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I hadn't even considered that he might not be dead, but of course it doesn't sound as if the Rabbi actually saw him die.
Dare we hope?

Quote:

the pain that she had not yet acknowledged bloomed again, and she resolutely turned away from it. When he had left, when Hilda was with her again, then she would deal with it.

How very true to Nell's character this is, suppressing her own grief for her lifelong friend until a suitable time - but how good that she realises it will need to be dealt with, and that the right time will be when she can have Hilda's love and support.

#70: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 1:05 am
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Poor both of them! Nell is handling this so well.... Crying or Very sad

*another grrr for Michael's mother*

#71: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 9:14 am
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I had noticed earlier that most of you assumed he was dead! Very Happy

But thank you for your comments; I do appreciate them.

Some more:

Rabbi Marks looked away, and Nell sensed that he was weighing his words very carefully. Finally and reluctantly he spoke.
“Truthfully, Miss Wilson? Yes, there is a chance. They were shelling the beach as the destroyer sailed; the noise and the confusion were incredible, but I think - I did not see him – I think he was still alive then. But now? I don’t know; if he is, he will be a prisoner of war, and something should have been heard of him. Then again, information of that nature can very easily go astray.” His words echoed in the heavy silence; Nell’s face was suddenly white and her lips compressed as she fought for composure. “I must stay calm,” she said to herself. “He might be a prisoner, he might be safe.” She stared speechlessly at the Rabbi, her grey eyes anguished.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Believe me, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more definite to tell you.” He stopped abruptly, acutely aware that there was nothing else he could say. Nell made a huge effort, ignoring the voice jeering insistently at the edge of her mind and forced herself to speak calmly.
“It will be alright,” she said quietly. “Whatever happens, and wherever he is, God has him safely.” There was a moment of unspoken communion between them, then the Rabbi bowed his head acknowledging her words.
“Thank you,” he said eventually, and picked up his cap from the arm of the chair. Nell watched as he crossed the room; at the door, he turned and regarded her intently for a moment. “Is there anyone I can send to you?” he asked gently. Nell shook her head, her face rigid with pain and speech now beyond her; only a desperate sense of pride held her grief and despair at bay. He studied her for a few seconds more, then, with a murmur of farewell, he left the room.

As the door closed, Nell dropped limply into the armchair, clutching the small packet in her hand. She was vaguely aware of the heavy perfume of the roses that bloomed just outside the window, and the insistent squabble of two starlings in the beech tree; She noticed that the late afternoon sunlight lay in bars across the floor and idly she traced the pattern in her mind. Two flies buzzed insistently near her; absentmindedly she reached out to brush them aside. She did not hear the footsteps in the passageway or the faint murmur of voices. The door opened, but she did not see Hilda come in; her whole being was concentrated on the letter that she held.
“If I don’t open it, then it’s not happened,’ she told herself. “I can forget that he came here, and nothing has been said. Nothing has changed.” Yet even as she framed this thought, she was aware that this was not so, that somewhere an insistent voice was telling her that Michael had not returned, that the texture of her life had altered again. She realised that Hilda was kneeling beside her and holding her closely, but somehow, chillingly, this did not seem real, not as real as the letter in her hand.

#72: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 10:26 am
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That sense of dislocation when bad news appears - aware of everything around quite startlingly but almost as though it's in another world. Even Hilda is in that other world, the world where, if she could only get back there, this bad news would not have happened.

But it has, and she must deal with it, in all its raw and cruel pain. Yes, of course Michael is safe with God, wherever he is, but that does not eradicate the despair. It has to be lived through, become part of her.

And Hilda, who has also had to live through such pain, can help her there, eventually. When her presence has been acknowledged. All she can do now is hold her...

Thank you, Cath.

#73: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:51 am
—
That rang so, so true. I too have dislocated like that when receiving bad news. I like how Hilda was there for her even though she wasn't really aware of it.

#74: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:38 pm
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That sense of dislocation can be very scary. Thank you for the upda.te

#75: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:39 pm
—
Of course Nell would rather not be holding that letter, but it's natural that its presence removes her, at least temporarily, from the world around her, to a place where not even Hilda can reach her - yet - not until Nell finally opens that letter, which will indeed, change her life yet again. If only she can remain strong in her belief that wherever he is, he is indeed with God....

The uncertainty of not knowing for sure whether he is dead, or alive and a prisoner of war would be harder to bear than knowing definitely that he is dead - as so many who had similar experiences during the War would agree. Like so many others, Nell will eventually come to terms with her grief and uncertainties - and Hilda will be there to help her from the depth of her own experience of losing James.

Thanks Cath.

#76: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 6:18 pm
—
That sense of trying to hold onto the world before news is so common - glad Hilda is there - wonder if she sensed Nell would need her?

Thanks Cath.

#77: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 8:34 am
—
Thank you for your comments. Yes that sense of dislocation can be terrifying.

Next part:

Nell never quite knew how long she sat there, silent and unmoving in Hilda’s arms. She was aware of Hilda’s voice, gentle and loving, but could not seem to find words with which to answer. Far within her, she was hearing the voices of two children who had once played together on a moor . . . “Where are you Michael? I can’t see you.” “Look harder, Nell!” “That’s not fair, Michael; you know I can’t run as fast as you.” “Don’t worry I’ll wait for you.” “But you didn’t,” she said aloud, and gasped in surprise to find herself in a room that she did not recognise for a moment, and struggling with an intensifying weight of pain. In an effort to escape from the immediacy of the moment, she focussed on the small packet and slowly opened it to reveal an envelope addressed to her in Michael’s sprawling writing. “He never learned to write neatly,” she said, and, with fingers that shook despite everything she could do to still them, she took out the folded pages and stared at them. For a moment, the words blurred and danced in front of her, and she could barely see them; she let the letter fall into her lap as she fought for control. Then she felt Hilda’s hands close firmly over her own and the loving reassurance of that touch warmed and calmed her. She picked up the sheets of paper, smoothed them gently and began to read what Michael had written.

My dear Nell,
I feel impelled to write to you now, this evening, when I have at least a chance to be quiet for an hour. I suppose I should try to sleep, but somehow this is more important; I don’t believe there will be many more opportunities for me to write without let or hindrance. And I have to talk to you, although I’m not sure when or how you’ll get this.
We are running, Nell and I don’t know where to. We’re making for the sea, but I have no idea what we will find when we get there. There’s talk of boats, but nothing definite. We’ve been in front of them for so long, leaving so much behind us, retreating and retreating and retreating; what will happen now? Funny, you’d think there would be confusion, disorder, even chaos, but there isn’t, not really. We keep meeting other small groups, so we join up, sort ourselves out and we keep going. The roads here are so long and straight and lined with poplars, like fingers pointing up to show exactly where we are. And the planes come over, and they fire on us, and we leave the road for cover, and hope they won’t find us again. But they always come back, because they know where we’re going. They must know, Nell, that we’re heading for the coast, because where else is there left to go? But Nell – I don’t see how it’s going to happen: the German army can’t possibly fail to reach us. It’s efficient and well equipped, and so it should be after the opportunities it’s been given! When they called time after the last war, we had a chance, but we squandered it: this is the result – no more chances.
I’m so sorry Nell. I’d meant to come back, take care as I said I would, but things don’t always work out as we would want. I’m not scared, not for me at any rate – there’s no time to be – but Nell, after they’ve reached the sea and hold the coast, what will happen to England then? Be careful, Nell, whatever happens, you must be very careful.
It’s later, now towards the dawn; I’ve written to Claire, to try to make her understand what it’s like here and what I’ve decided. I know that you will, after the first shock and pain; you always did understand me even when I preferred that you wouldn’t! And now I know that you will receive this letter – we’ve fallen in with the remnants of another company and there’s another padre here who will be coming home. I’ll see to it that he does; he has to Nell, and you will understand why when I tell you he is a Rabbi. He can’t be left here, but I don’t think he’ll go willingly, even though I think he knows what would happen if he stayed. He does a superb job of understanding and chivvying - and ordering when he has to. The men listen to him and follow him, and I admire his handling of them and the situation, which seems to change from hour to hour. This is getting a bit confused, but we’re all so tired….
I’m sure you’ve realised what I have decided – that if there isn’t enough room on the boats, or we’re running out of time, then I will stay. God knows that I want to come home, but somehow I can’t see it, not now. And I’m not sure that this is my decision, anyway, Nell; if I end up where God wants me to be, then that’s that. Besides, if I’m needed here as part of my job, then I have to stay. But you’ll understand, won’t you? You always did, even when I didn’t, and so did your father. I was very fortunate to have known you and your family, and to have had your support.
There isn’t much time – it’s getting lighter, so we’ll be moving soon, besides, this torch battery is almost done. I don’t know when or if I’ll see you again, but I know that I don’t need to ask you to pray for me, because you always did. My blessing upon you, Nell, and go with God, always.
Your friend,
Michael.

#78: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:55 am
—
Cath,
I am in tears writing this comment. Crying or Very sad

Heaven only knows how you must have felt writing these powerful episodes, but thank you for doing so.

I still have my fingers crossed that he may come back somehow.....

#79: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:25 pm
—

Quote:

God knows that I want to come home, but somehow I can’t see it, not now. And I’m not sure that this is my decision, anyway, Nell; if I end up where God wants me to be, then that’s that. Besides, if I’m needed here as part of my job, then I have to stay. But you’ll understand, won’t you?

That whole letter is so poignant and so true to life - I'm sitting here, like Identity Hunt, with tears in my eyes. But this paragraph really says it all - of course Michael must stay if it's God's will for him to do so, and of course, Nell will understand, even though in her initial grief she may rage against events, against fate - and about the 'not knowing' whether in fact he is dead or alive.

And Hilda will be there to help her come to terms with it all, and to face the uncertainty over Michael's fate until they learn what it is - which may well be the worst part of all.

That must have been very hard to write, Cath - but it's so evocative and so true. Thank you.

#80: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:56 pm
—
This is so very moving. Thank you for writing it. It must have been hard.

#81: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 4:10 pm
—
Thank God for Hilda - or I suspect Nell may never have opened that letter.

After all the Rabbi had told her, both about the conditions and about Michael's actions and thoughts, the contents of the letter will only have reinforced his words - Michael knew what he was doing, knew the path was already chosen for him, all he had to do was follow it. And he knows that Nell will understand it all, that they are both in God's hands now and always.

But, oh he hurts, doesn't he? He wants so much to return. Crying or Very sad

Thank you, Catharine.

#82: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 5:02 pm
—
A very brave man. Nell will remember that. Glad Hilda's there, Nell will need her.

Thanks Cath

*Passes across new box of tissues - you'll need to replace the ones you used writing that.*

#83: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:55 am
—
Thank you for your comments - and Lesley, for the tissues. Yes, this does hurt to write... Just a small update today, and I'm sorry to leave you in the middle of this. I couldn't manage more... Crying or Very sad

Nell read the letter through slowly, once, then twice, then let it fall into her lap.
“Michael won’t be coming home,” she said. She was vaguely astonished by how calm her voice was, when she seemed to be screaming inside, as the pattern of her life altered in a frightening twist. This thing was impossible – there was no sense left in the world; surely soon the nightmare would end and she would wake. She looked down noticing that she was wringing her hands as if to cleanse them of something; the perfume of the roses had faded and only blood remained . . . . She shook her head, and it was gone. “Michael stayed in France,” she said a little more loudly. She turned and stared into Hilda’s eyes, searching for the love and support that she knew would sustain her and shuddered; how had she never noticed before that Hilda’s ice-blue eyes were so empty? Terror swamped her, as the memory of a mocking voice reached out from a darkened corner of her being. “Go away!” she said in horror. “Leave me alone!” The room was menacingly dark, and she could hear thunder…. Then there was the soft sound of rain and the damp smell of wet earth came to her, a yellow circle of lamplight cast its shadows, and it was Hilda, who was beside her, familiar and beloved, a little flicker of shock apparent in her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered painfully. “ I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She felt tears burning her eyes, as the grief that she had managed to keep at bay suddenly seized her remorselessly. “No,” she whimpered, “Hilda, no, this is all wrong.” Hilda’s arms were round her now, holding her as she trembled and shook, crying in despair as the impact of the news seared through her again.

Gradually, Nell’s sobs eased and the agony within her diminished a little. Finally she was able to lift her head from Hilda’s shoulder, and whisper chokingly, “I’m - sorry.”
“Darling Nell,” came Hilda’s immediate reply, “Believe me, you have nothing at all to be sorry for.” Nell swallowed, her throat and chest taut, aching with misery.
“But I hurt you,” she gasped. Hilda shook her head.
“No, Nell, not me.” She tilted Nell’s tear-wet face up towards her, and stared intently into the grey eyes. “That wasn’t really me you were seeing, for a moment, was it?” There was a long moment of silence, then Nell whispered, heartbrokenly, “No.”

#84: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:03 am
—
Thanks Cath.

*Passes more tissues.*

#85: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 9:09 am
—
Oh Cath Crying or Very sad

Did Michael`s unspeakably vile mother have ice-cold blue eyes, by any chance ? No doubt the old harpy will blame Nell for all this too.....

I`m glad Hilda was there when the Rabbi had left. It would have been a shattering blow for Nell to bear alone. Crying or Very sad

#86: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 11:51 am
—
Poor, poor Nell. Crying or Very sad

But why the feeling that

Cath V-P wrote:

the pattern of her life had altered in a frightening twist

She loved Michael as a very, very dear friend, but that shouldn't shatter her life. Has shock thrown her back for a moment to her days at the hands of the Nazis? Are the empty ice-blue eyes the eyes of the Lieutenant?

Or is there more to her relationship with Michael than she has so far confessed to Hilda? Whatever - Hilda will be there. Should the foundations of the earth rock, Hilda will be there. Cling to her, Nell.

Thank you, Cath.

#87: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 12:37 pm
—
That frightening moment of horrors relived, coming on top of the news about Michael itself, would certainly have been enough to 'divorce' Nell sufficiently from reality to account for the way she turned on Hilda - I suspect those 'ice blue eyes', which Nell rejected so fiercely were indeed those of the Nazi lieutenant.

But of course, Hilda would see beneath the surface and recognise what had happened. And of course she was, and will continue to be, there to offer comfort and consolation, as well as to absorb the anger of Nell's initial shock.

Thanks Cath.

#88: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:50 pm
—
Just had to check in Headmistress Laughing

- yes, he did have blue eyes, didn't he? Bet that's what Nell can remember - along with that bit about rose perfume and seeing blood.

So glad Hilda remained and could comfort Nell.

Thanks Cath.

#89: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 2:22 pm
—
This is really chilling but I need to know what happens next!

#90: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:56 pm
—
*shivers at ice blue eyes*

thanks Cath. Sad

#91: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 9:06 am
—
Thank you for the comments. Yes, Mary and Lesley, it was Bhaer.... Crying or Very sad

Next part - I think there is only one more post after this.

Hilda did not try to reply, but simply held Nell close to her, giving her the comfort that she so desperately needed. It was several minutes before Nell stopped trembling. Then Hilda said softly,
“It was Bhaer wasn’t it?” She felt Nell’s body stiffen, and saw her face assume the mask-like expression that she hoped she would never see again. “Nell?” she asked gently. Nell took a deep shuddering breath, and forced herself to speak.
“Yes, it was,” she said bleakly. She drew another breath and continued with an effort. “His eyes,” she said, hoping that Hilda would understand. “Cold and empty, and his voice hurting too.” She stared beseechingly at Hilda, who nodded slowly, then said brokenly, “It all seems so real – and then it isn’t.”
“And that scares you,” said Hilda, promptly. Nell gave a sad little laugh.
“Scares me? Hilda it’s terrifying.”
“I know,” replied Hilda, reassuringly. “But Nell, dear Nell, you are safe, and he truly cannot hurt you.” Nell sat back in the chair and considered this for a moment.
“I shouldn’t be like this now, not after two years,” she said, her voice shaking. She steadied herself with a visible effort. “But -” Hilda interrupted her, her lovely voice uncompromising as she spoke.
“Nell, you had just received some dreadful news about someone for whom you care deeply, and who was a part of your life for as long as you can remember - and I know that your first thought was that it seems as though there is no sense to this, that it simply can’t have happened.” Nell stared at her, the faintest sensation of comfort stealing through her. “Hilda knows, of course she knows,” she thought humbly, and with that awareness, the pain inside her began to diminish. As if sensing this, Hilda smiled at her, and squeezed her hand gently. “I also know that the first thing that you did was to try and comfort someone else, to make him feel that he had nothing to regret, nothing to feel guilty over. You didn’t allow yourself to think about how it affected you or even how much it hurt. You put that on one side to deal with later. Typical Nell!” she said, lovingly. Nell looked away uneasily.
“I couldn’t let him think it was his fault,” she muttered. “Anyway, how did you know?”
“I know you,” said Hilda softly. “And I met the Rabbi as he was leaving. He told me just how courageously you listened to him, and how you tried to comfort him, even though it hurt you to do so. And he told me something that I already knew - that you are a brave and loving soul.” At this, Nell blushed crimson.
“Ah, no Hilda, that isn’t true,” she began. In response, Hilda laid her hand gently over Nell’s mouth, silencing her.
“No, it’s entirely true,” she said firmly. “Your first thought was to help and comfort someone else; you ignored your own pain, and then, when you were alone, when you didn’t have to be strong for someone else, there it was, waiting for you.” She reached out and stroked Nell’s cheek tenderly. “But it overwhelmed you, didn’t it? Just for that moment?” Nell nodded.
“Nothing made sense,” she said forlornly, her grey eyes darkening at the memory. Hilda slipped her arm round her and spoke softly.
“And Michael made a choice that cost him dearly – might cost him everything – just as you did. And you realised that.” Nell thought for a moment, then lifted her head to gaze at Hilda.
“And when I did,” she said. “It reminded me so much of what I knew, of what had happened, that the memory was just too strong.”
“Exactly,” said Hilda, holding her close. They sat silently listening to the sound of the summer rain.

#92: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 11:31 am
—
Hilda makes sense of it all for her, doesn't she? She understands immediately where Nell's thoughts had gone, that the past would rise up to hit her. She shows Nell that she had been as brave as Michael when she was given a choice while in the hands of the Lieutenant, that she is truly "a brave and loving soul."

She will grieve, but she will be able to move on now - and Hilda will go on helping her.

Thank you, Cath

#93: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:48 pm
—
I'm glad Hilda is there to help.

#94: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:20 pm
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Glad Nell's not on her own.

#95: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:31 pm
—
Like the others, I'm so glad that Hilda was there to help Nell through that period of remembrance and to put it in perspective, reassuring her that her reaction was entirely normal in light of the news about Michael. Also that assurance that both she and Michael made the right choices in their individual circumstances will help Nell to come to terms with what Michael did - he could have done nothing else. And knowing that will help Nell to come to terms more easily with her grief, and, ultimately, to move on.

Thanks Cath.

#96: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:41 pm
—
I'm glad that Hilda is there for Nell. After reading the way you write them one doesn't seem right without the other. And the Rabbi was completely on the ball with what he said about Nell.

(((hugs))) ~ This must be so hard to write.

#97: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 5:00 pm
—
So, so pleased that Nell had Hilda there - and that Hilda understood everything.

Thanks Cath.

#98: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 5:55 pm
—
How horrifying that this distress called up those awful memories, and that even Hilda became transmuted into something evil and threatening. But how fortunate that Hilda's wisdom was able, as Mary said, to make sense of it all, both for Nell and for herself (not actually very nice to have Nell shy away from her like that!). Because she could understand and stay with Nell through the horror, she was also able to help her out the other side of it - a testimony to their love and closeness.

Nell is truly summed up in that 'brave and loving soul' phrase, isn't she.

Only one more post, Cath? Crying or Very sad

#99: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:41 am
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Thank goodness for Hilda's understanding!
But poor Nell. And Michael, of course.
Neither could do otherwise.

#100: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 6:30 am
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I'm very glad Hilda is there for Nell.
This is so sad.
Thanks Cath

#101: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 11:39 pm
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Poor. poor Nell. Thanks Cath.

#102: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 11:04 am
—
Thank you for all the comments that you have made; they have been helpful and appreciated. This is the last part of this; I hope you have enjoyed it. I have another drabble partly written, but may take a short break before beginning it.

Eventually, Hilda sat back and surveyed Nell, frowning a little at her white tear-stained face and air of weariness.
“You look exhausted and it’s getting late,” she said gently. “Why don’t you go and wash your face and I’ll fetch us some tea and see about something to eat.” Nell nodded, got up, and silently left the room. As the door closed behind her, Hilda sighed and covered her face with her hands for a moment. “Oh God, be with her - be with us,” she murmured. Then she bent down, and picked up the two pieces of paper that were Michael’s letter, smoothed them out and placed them on the table, weighting them with a book. “Please keep him safe, wherever he is,” she whispered, and stood up, realising with horror as she did so, that neither of them had dealt with the blackout and that the light from the one lamp that she had lit earlier was shining out through the window.

When she returned, Nell found Hilda sitting in the corner of one of the large deep sofas with a tea tray on the small table beside her. The curtains had been carefully closed and two lamps were burning brightly. Thunder rumbled faintly in the distance accompanied by the soft continuous patter of rain. Tired beyond words, and feeling strangely disconnected from her surroundings, Nell stopped awkwardly just inside the door, but Hilda had seen her and held out her hand.
“Come and be comfortable,” she said quietly. Nell did not reply, but made her way to where Hilda sat and dropped down onto the hearthrug in front of her. Hilda passed her a cup of tea, and waited until Nell had drunk most of it before saying anything more. It was only as Nell put her half-empty cup back on the table that she said, “I’ve asked Gwynneth to bring a light supper here for us.” At the mere mention of food, Nell shuddered, and Hilda continued, “I know you don’t feel that you can eat anything at the moment, but I do think you should try - especially if we’re leaving tomorrow morning as we’d intended.” She paused for a moment, then said, hesitantly, “That is, Nell, if you do want to stick to our plans? We can stay here a bit longer if you’d liked to.” At once, Nell shook her head.
“No, oh no!” she replied vehemently. “I’m pretty much packed, and I know you are too. This place is awfully empty now that practically everyone’s left – just you and me and Gwynneth here. Even Megan’s gone now that Gwensi’s at the Chesters’ with Beth. And - I just want to go home,” she finished wistfully, turning and looking up at Hilda.
“Are you sure?” Hilda asked her carefully. “I mean – it is the place where you and Michael grew up, and it does hold the memories of all the times you were together.” Nell considered this for a moment, then a gentle smile touched her lips. She reached up and took Hilda’s hand.
“No,” she said finally. “Memories come as they will, and I can’t run away from them - that way, I’ll lose them, and that would be worse than the pain.” She closed her eyes for a moment, then said softly, “ And I shall have you with me, Hilda, and that will comfort me through anything.” Hilda leaned forward, her eyes suspiciously bright, and laid her hands on Nell’s shoulders.
“As long as you need me Nell, I’ll be here with you.” Nell sighed softly, some of the tension leaving her body.
“I’ll always need you, Hilda,” she whispered. “This afternoon, the only thing I could think of was that you would come to me, that you would help me bear it, and so I could go on listening to what the Rabbi had to tell me, even though it hurt me to hear it, and will go on hurting for a long time.” Hilda’s grasp on her shoulders tightened and she gazed lovingly into the grey eyes.
“If I could bear some of this for you, I would,” she said softly. “Just remember that I love you Nell, and that if you need me, then I need you, with your courage and laughter and loving heart, just as much.” She dropped a gentle kiss on Nell’s forehead and at once Nell scrambled up from the floor to curl up beside her on the sofa.
“As long as you’re with me Hilda, then everything is possible, even dealing with this.” She glanced at Hilda, deeply thankful for this most beloved presence, and aware that, although Michael’s probable fate would haunt her for months to come, Hilda’s love would make it possible for her to accept what had happened; more, it would enable life to be sweet once again. “So,” she said quietly, “shall we go home tomorrow then?” Hilda stared at her for a long moment, then smiled that beautiful luminous smile that Nell knew so well.
“Yes,” she replied. “We’ll go home.”

#103: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 11:07 am
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Thanks Cath.

#104: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:00 pm
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That was so beautiful, Cath.

Nell may be sorrowing, and will have to suffer the *not knowing* about Michael, but she has Hilda, who will cushion every blow, stand firm against the cold winds that blow, pray for her and Michael each and every day, love her into some kind of acceptance.

*Let's go home* - no more beautiful words exist in the English language. Home, where we are loved and wanted, accepted for who we are.

Thank you so much, Cath, for writing this little piece about Michael, filling in the gaps, revealing more of these two women's strong and steadfast love for each other.

#105: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:22 pm
—
Thank you Cath.

#106: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 1:03 pm
—

Quote:

“As long as you’re with me Hilda, then everything is possible, even dealing with this.”

Such a simple statement, but so true - and how very satisfying for Hilda to know that her presence can help Nell to bear anything which may come to her. Even the uncertainty over Michael's fate and, in the end, the probable loss of such a vital link with her childhood, becomes more bearable with Hilda there to support and succour her wherever they are.

And that

Quote:

'Let's go home'

- where the heart is, where the memories are, where, as Mary says, we are accepted for who we are, and where, ultimately, future memories will be forged. A very poignant ending.

Thanks, Cath, for telling us more about Michael and revealing yet another facet of Nell and Hilda's love for and support of each other. I shall look forward to your next story in due course.

#107: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 1:05 pm
—
Home. What a wonderful concept and how brilliant that for Hilda and Nell it is a place where they can be together. This truly was an amazing piece of fiction.

#108: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 1:36 pm
—
This has been fabulous. Thank you so much for writing it.

#109: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 4:47 pm
—
That was a wonderful ending Cath, just emphasising their togetherness. Now, whenever they are apart, they are not quite whole. They have reached the stage of being truely dependent upon each other for that love and support that everyone needs, but when together, they are a consistant unit, which can battle anything that comes their way. Though it might be hard, they will get there.

Thanks Cath.

#110: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 7:11 pm
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Thank you Cath - such a simple statement, yet one that means everything - Home.

#111: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 11:06 pm
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Thank you, Cath. Such a lovely portrayal of Nell's steadfastness and strength, undergirded by Hilda's love and support. From this base, they can both reach out to succour others, and can help each other bear whatever comes. I loved Mary's phrase of Hilda loving Nell into acceptance.
I wonder if, in due time, we will be allowed to know the end of this story?

Greatly looking forward to the sequel to Christmas, when you have the time and energy to deal with it. Thank you so much for all you have given us thus far.

#112: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 11:38 pm
—
*Wot Lesley said*

Thanks Cath. Fab as ever. I do like your writing.

#113: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 7:30 pm
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Lovely way to wrap this one up.
Thanks, Cath!

#114: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:43 am
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Oh, lovely!!
Thanks Cath

The CBB -> Ste Therese's House

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