Sharlie Andrews part err...?
The CBB -> Starting again at Sarres...

#1: Sharlie Andrews part err...? Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 9:52 am


A most fine use of my day methinks. May as well repost the whole kit and caboodle but if anyone wants it as a word doc then give me a yell and I'll email it over. And I've forgotten what number part I was on, but will worry aboot that later.

We managed a full week in London staying with Trixie, Paul and the children and I returned to Liverpool feeling much better for it. Trixie’s mother’s help, Lily, had taken Alice and Luke off my hands for most of the time we had been there, despite my protestations Trixie had been insistent that I have a complete rest. I had found myself missing Alice and Luke more than I had ever anticipated and was glad that Colin and I had decided against having any help with them apart from my sisters. Colin and I took the children into London and I finally showed him over my London, the London I had known at university. We had been to London together before but I had never shown him the city as I had known it. It was hard to hide the nostalgic pangs as we walked past College Hall and I pointed out my old windows and later as we strolled through the Institute of Education. The city held so many memories for me and it was good to know that I could share them with Colin.

The world was shaken with the assassination of President Kennedy on 22 November 1963. I heard the news on the radio whilst making Alice’s dinner but it took a while to register what had happened. There were the usual conspiracy theories thrown around in the immediate aftermath but I tried to ignore them. The missile crisis a couple of years previously had shaken the world so much that I could only hope that this wouldn’t push the leaders back into the paranoia and insanity of the 1950s. Politics continued to worry me. I wanted to believe that it would all work out but the concrete wall around West Berlin never ceased to make me shudder, a reminder of the way things could go for the rest of the world.

Kathie came to us for Christmas. It had taken some persuading over Half Term when she and Nancy had come for Luke’s christening but she had eventually agreed. She arrived a couple of days into the holiday having been to see Lucy first. Alice was tripping over her own feet in the excitement of having Kathie back to stay. She looked tired but said that it had been an eventful term. We talked over the superficial more to begin with, leaving the deeper conversations until she wanted to. Nancy had gone to her family for Christmas but the two of them spoke practically every day on the telephone and so long as that continued I knew that I had no need to worry.

Alice turned two on 23 December and I could hardly believe how quickly she was growing up. Now walking and talking she was constantly in mischief, usually aided and abetted by her cousins. At the same time Luke was changing daily, now able to pull himself into a semi-sitting position and making vain attempts at crawling. He had a curiosity for most things and was always reaching out to grab things; he was especially fond of Colin’s cameras and always knew when they were being directed at him. Rupert and Aunt Jane doted on them both, the completely besotted grandparents.

We spent Christmas at Elizabeth’s, a bright and colourful affair even if the Christmas decorations spent more time on the floor than on the tree. I couldn’t help but think back to the previous Christmas when I’d only just found out I was pregnant with Luke and now here he was, a fully fledged member of the family, albeit a somewhat grisly one with a new tooth coming through. I couldn’t imagine having Christmas any other way than surrounded by my family. It could have been so easy for us to splinter apart after everything we had gone through in our younger days.

Having seen 1964 in at Nicole’s I settled down to my New Year’s resolution to work on Anna’s story now that Luke’s tooth was through. It was easier said than done as I found myself working on the settee where I could keep my eye on Alice and Luke. Unable to give my full attention to my work I began to feel frustrated despite assurances from all sides that I shouldn’t. Things were a little easier over the Easter holidays when Kathie came to stay. She and Nancy had gone to her Aunt and Uncle’s house at the beginning to clear through some of their things and had come to us for the rest of the holiday to recover. She didn’t really want to talk about it and I didn’t want to push her so our conversations revolved around the children and the Chalet School.

It was in May that Nicole and Lawrie confessed that they were hopefully set to become parents again in August. They had kept quiet not wanting to jinx anything. Harriet was expecting her third in September and likewise Sara in November. Colin and I joked that we ought to add to the list but, in reality, I was in no hurry to get pregnant again just yet. We’d always thought that four would be a nice number to have but for the time being I was happy with Alice and Luke. I knew that I would want another in time but the time was not now.

Colin and I went away for a week at the beginning of June with Trixie and Paul to Devon. We had taken the children, with the exception of Christopher whose term hadn’t quite finished, and had a glorious term. Now ten, and a boarder at his prep school, Trixie hadn’t been able to come up with an excuse to take him out of school for the week. For Catherine, now aged six, it had been easier. I never ceased to marvel at Trixie and her family and how horribly laid back she remained over everything, even when four year old Edward had been stung by a jellyfish on his foot.

We returned to Liverpool tanned and relaxed, ready to face whatever the world chose to throw at us next. Well, not quite.

Telephone for you. Colin poked his head around the door of the nursery two weeks later as I was putting Luke to bed.
Who is it?
Lawrie.
What does he want?
Didn’t say. I’ll finish Luke, you go and take the call.

I ran down the stairs, my heart in my mouth. The baby wasn’t due for another eight weeks and I was sure that it was bad news.

Lawrie, hello.
Sharlie.
What’s happened?
It’s bad news. His voice was distant and almost too passive.
Nic… the baby…
The baby came too early… She… He broke off. She was too tiny… she…
I understood. Oh Lawrie, I… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. And Nic?
Nicole’s not good. She lost a lot of blood – a haemorrhage. She’s been taken to the operating theatre but they weren’t too hopeful. I can’t lose Nicole as well.

The telephone rang two hours later. I knew it was Lawrie and part of me couldn’t bring myself to answer it.

Hello.
It’s Lawrie.
Lawrie, what…
Nicole’s dead. There was nothing to do, she… He broke off.
Oh God, no, I whispered, clutching the receiver tightly, my hands shaking. Lawrie, I’m so sorry.

He said nothing in reply. I heard him begin to sob and then with a click the line went dead. I dropped the telephone as my knees buckled beneath me and I sank to the floor choking back my tears.

Sharlie…

I felt Colin’s hand on my shoulder and could no longer hold back. He took me in his arms, cradling me against him and we sat together on the hall floor whilst I sobbed helplessly. I was vaguely aware of him muttering soothingly to me as he stroked my hair and rocked me gently.

Nicole’s dead, I managed to say eventually. She didn’t make it through the surgery. Lawrie didn’t say anything, he told me and then he hung up. Why, Colin? Why?
I don’t know sweetheart. I wish I did.

The telephone rang again. Colin reached for it.

Hello? Yes, she’s here. It’s Tish.
I took the telephone from him. Tish, hi.
Have you spoken to Lawrie?
Yes.
Did he say anything to you?
No, just that Nic… and then he hung up.
Have you spoken to Lucy?
Not yet.
She just rang – about Samantha.
Oh?
You know Lucy, no good at the emotional stuff, wants to do something practical. She thought we ought to check about the conditions of Nicole being Samantha’s guardian otherwise…
Oh God, I whispered, clapping my hand to my mouth. Tish… Whatever we’re going through it’ll be twice as bad for Samantha.
I just wish I knew what to do, she said helplessly. It wasn’t meant to be this way.
I know.

We talked a little while longer, trying to make sense of it all – but failing. The telephone rang just as I’d put it down.

Sharlie? It’s Lucy. I’ve been trying to get hold of you for ages.
Sorry, I was talking to Tish.
Listen, can you get to Cambridge tomorrow? Christian’s lending me his flat for a few days. I thought Samantha would need us if nothing else.
What have you found out?
I’ll tell you tomorrow when I can make more sense of it. Everything’s just swimmy now. I feel like I’ve been stood on my head. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not after Annie and Mark.
But it has, I said flatly.
I can still wish I’d rather it hadn’t. I can’t even begin to imagine what Lawrie and Samantha are going through. And Louisa’s just a kid.
So was Samantha.
We made a promise about Samantha.
And we’ll do the same by Louisa.


Sweetheart? Colin’s voice broke through my thoughts as I put the phone down.
Sorry, I was miles away.
He wrapped his arms around me. Do you want me to drive you down to Cambridge tomorrow? I won’t be able to stay though, I’ll have to come straight back.
Are you sure? I can get the train.
With those two monkeys? I smiled weakly. Oh sweetheart, I wish I could make it all better for you.
Not for me, for Lawrie, and Samantha and Louisa. I buried my head in his shoulder. Oh Colin, I love you so much, I don’t think you know quite how much.
He kissed the top of my head. If it’s as much as I love you, then I do.

He held me a little tighter as my tears began to fall again. I knew that I would never be able to bear losing him.

I barely slept that night and spent most of it in the rocking chair by the window gazing aimlessly out into the summer’s night. It was a rare unbroken night with neither Alice nor Luke waking and needing me. Lucy called early to say she was leaving for Cambridge and to give Colin directions to Christian’s flat. Colin and I left once the children were up and had had breakfast. I didn’t settle on the journey; my mind kept turning back to a similar journey I had undertaken ten years previously when Annie and Mark had died. I’d taken that one alone on the train; at least this time I had Colin’s support and it made such a difference. It was mid afternoon when we arrived and, after helping carry the bags in, Colin bade me farewell and turned round to head back to Liverpool promising that he would return at the weekend. I wasn’t sure how I would make it through the intervening days without him.

Have you seen Lawrie, I asked Lucy as we sat at the kitchen table nursing our mugs of tea.
She nodded. Only briefly though, I called in on my way here. He’s a real mess, Sharlie.
What about Samantha and Louisa?
She shrugged. Hard to say. Samantha was talking about taking Louisa to the park this afternoon to try and keep things as normal as possible for her. Not that she’ll be able to for much longer…
What do you mean?
I shouldn’t tell you without Tish here.
What time are you expecting her?
Anytime now I guess. She must have left around the same time as you but Ben’s had an ear infection so that may have held them up, poor kid.
I take it that it’s not good news for Samantha then.
Depends on how you look at it and bear in mind that nothing’s definite yet.
Oh?
She sighed. I ought to tell you both together but…
Luce?
I’ve got a copy of the thing that Nicole signed – you know the one with Annie’s brother and Mark’s sister saying that she had guardianship of Samantha. I looked it out last night. It says that they wanted Samantha to stay with one of us four – you, me, Tish or Nicole – so I don’t know where that leaves Lawrie and I don’t know how to tell him.
Oh.
Indeed. I mean we’ll have to speak to Annie’s brother and Mark’s sister and see what they say… Of course they may agree that Samantha can stay with Lawrie but if not…
Luce?
Then I’m moving to Cambridge. I mean, I will be anyway; I’ll just have to bring my plans forward, that’s all.
But… I don’t understand. What about everything in Oxford?
She smiled. You know I’ve mentioned in my letters that they’re establishing a new women’s College at Cambridge?
Vaguely.
It’s opening next year – that’s autumn 1965 – and I’ve been offered a position there. I’ve been in two minds about it for some months now but I’ve decided that I’m going to take it. If Samantha can’t stay with Lawrie then I’ll hand in my notice to Hilda’s with immediate effect and move over here. I daresay I can find something to fill the next twelve months – even if it’s only research. I talked it over with Christian last night and he’ll help me look for somewhere to stay until…
Where is Christian?
At my flat in Oxford, she replied blushing. He’s got some research to finish in the Bod. He’ll be back at the weekend.
Are you and he… I asked as it all fell into place.
She laughed. My usual classic bad timing, I know. We’ve been together for a couple of months now but I was seeing how things went before I announced it to the whole world. I was going to tell you before Nic’s baby… I didn’t want to steal her thunder. And now this… I know Nic knew the risk she was taking in getting pregnant again but it wasn’t meant to be this way, not after Annie.

The door bell rang, interrupting her thoughts.

Do you think that’s Tish, I asked,
Should be.

I followed Lucy to the front door, casting an anxious glance behind me to Alice and Luke who were both otherwise occupied with their toys.

Auntie Sharlie!

I spun round in reply to Samantha’s cry as she flung her arms tightly around me.

I’m so glad you’re here, she whispered. I have wanted you so.

I held her tightly as she burst into a stormy flood of tears. Catching Louisa’s puzzled look I gave Lucy an anxious glance and she pushed open the door to the tiny sitting room. I led Samantha to the settee where we sat together, she clinging to me until her sobs eventually stopped.

Auntie Sharlie?
Yes, sweetheart, I asked, smoothing her hair back out of her eyes.
What’s going to happen to me now?
I had never been able to lie to Samantha. I don’t know, sweetheart. I wish I did but it depends on your Auntie and Uncle.
She pulled a face. I want to stay in Cambridge, but if I can’t then I want to go to you and Uncle Colin.
I didn’t want to pre-empt the decision of her future or mention Lucy’s plans without consulting her. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
She sighed. It’s not fair, Auntie Sharlie.
I know it isn’t.
Why did Auntie Nicole have to want to have another baby? She had Louisa, I… I overheard her talking to Uncle Lawrie before she went to hospital. I shouldn’t have listened but I couldn’t help it…
What did they say, Samantha?
Uncle Lawrie was worried and Auntie Nicole said she knew she was taking a risk trying to have another baby but… she’d have it even if it killed her. My little sister did that. She was going to be called Mary Kate. Louisa and I had so many plans…

She broke off and burst into tears again, curling up against me whilst I held her to me. Unable to help myself I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and spill over. Pulling myself together sharply I wondered if Lawrie knew where Samantha and Louisa were.

Samantha, does Uncle Lawrie know that you’re here?
She shook her head. I said we were going to the park.
I think we ought to telephone him and let him know where you are, don’t you?
But he’ll be angry with me and I don’t want him to be.
He’s probably already very worried. You should have told him you… Samantha, how did you get here?
We walked, she whispered. But don’t be angry, Auntie Sharlie. I know it’s a long way but I had to come and see you. You understand. Everybody’s at home making a fuss of Uncle Lawrie and Louisa but she’s too little to understand properly…
She’s older than you were when your parents died.
That was different.
How so?
It just was.
Sweetheart, just think of Uncle Lawrie for a moment, please. He’s already sad about Auntie Nicole and Mary; he doesn’t need to be worried about where you and Louisa are as well. I’ll telephone him and tell him you’re here.

She nodded a grudging agreement and we went to find Lucy and the telephone.

Lawrie was relieved to hear that we had Samantha and Louisa safe with us and we promised to return them after dinner. Tish arrived shortly afterwards with a grizzly Ben and the three of us set about preparing dinner as we had to get Louisa home in time for bed. That evening we talked over what had happened and what the future might bring. Samantha was the problem since none of us were quite sure how Nicole’s death would affect the decision made by Annie’s brother and Mark’s sister after Annie’s mother’s death. She was settled with Lawrie and I hoped that she would be able to stay with him.

The days leading up to the funeral were hard with no one quite sure what to say to each other. We had managed to contact Annie’s brother and Mark’s sister but the final decision would rest with them and they assured us that they would let us know after the funeral. Samantha withdrew into her shell and wouldn’t talk to anybody. Louisa was prone to fits of weeping interspersed with periods where she would be quite happy, like a normal four year old child. Lawrie was coping better than I had expected. I remembered Simon in the days and weeks following Peggy’s death and was glad that Lawrie wasn’t pushing people away in the same way that Simon had. Colin telephoned daily and every time I heard his voice I missed him that little bit more.

Colin, Peter and Christian arrived at the weekend, the latter a little concerned about the way in which we had overrun his flat in his absence. I sensed a slight awkwardness between him and Lucy but hoped that it was down to our presence and the present circumstances rather than anything else. He was a pleasant and extremely clever man and I could understand why Lucy had been drawn to him. Tish was much quieter than usual, almost brooding, and once Peter arrived the two of them would often go off together. Tish had never been good in situations like this and I hoped that it was only her way of coping. I was glad to have Colin there for comfort and support and a safe pair of arms; I had struggled in his absence knowing that no matter how close I was to my friends they would never make up for Colin.

Nicole’s funeral was on the Tuesday, a well attended affair. I hadn’t quite realised until then just how expansive her life was in Cambridge as I spoke to one person after another about her. Louisa sat through the service with Lawrie, barely moving and she hardly cried until the burial. Samantha sat between Lucy and I, gripping my hand tightly and not letting go until we left the graveyard. A part of me refused to believe that this was the end, that I would never see Nicole again, at least not in this life. I had known her for 22 years and in an instant a part of my life had been taken away that I would never be able to get back.

Samantha’s future was decided two days after the funeral. Annie’s brother and Mark’s sister had wanted to stand by their initial decision that she ought to stay with either Tish, Lucy or myself but something had changed their minds. They had decided against uprooting Samantha; she would be staying with Lawrie. Lawrie’s relief was evident as he and Samantha hugged each other tightly after the decision was announced. In private Lucy admitted to being relieved since it gave her the time to tidy up any loose ends in Oxford before uprooting herself to Cambridge.

It had been Samantha’s request to spend the summer with Colin and I, and Lawrie had agreed, feeling it to be for the best. There was so little left of her summer term that school agreed to us taking her out until September. Samantha, Alice, Luke and I took the train back to Liverpool where we were greeted enthusiastically by Colin who had taken advantage of the situation to get away from the shop early. Sarah tried to beg her last couple of weeks of term off in order to keep Samantha company but Rebecca wasn’t falling for any of her tricks. After a lot of discussion Sarah had decided to spend an extra year at school and leave at 16. If nothing else it had provided a talking point for local gossips who couldn’t understand why Rebecca had allowed Sarah to do it. Despite school “getting in the way”, as she put it, Sarah spent a lot of time with Samantha who, under her care, began to emerge from her shell a little. She was still, understandably, inclined towards brooding but at least she was now willing to talk as well.


Last edited by pim on Wed Apr 26, 2006 7:54 am; edited 21 times in total

 


#2:  Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 9:54 am


Kathie arrived in mid July, after a fortnight to “celebrate the holidays” with Nancy in Italy, looking disgustingly healthy and tanned.

You’re here at last, I cried, running out of the house to meet her.
Traffic was beastly, she replied with a grin, wrapping her arms around me.
I have missed you.
I missed you too. Nancy said she’ll be here definitely for Luke’s birthday and a few other days besides.
Good, I grinned as she tucked her arm through mine. You look disgustingly well
It’s the Italian weather, you know.
No need to rub it in.
You’ll get back one day when those two monkeys of yours are a little older. Where are they anyway?
In the garden with Samantha,
How is she? Poor mite. And, more importantly, how are you?
I shrugged. Bearing up. Same as Samantha, Sarah’s good for her though.
Do I get an introduction? I met her at your wedding but that’s been it.
I suppose you ought to.

We headed out to the back garden where Samantha was playing a game with Alice whilst Luke had curled up and gone to sleep. On sight of Kathie Alice ran towards her trying her best not to trip over her own feet. Kathie swung her up in to her arms before she managed to.

Samantha. She looked up on hearing her name. This is… I broke off. I hadn’t considered what Samantha would call Kathie. Dear me, I said as she joined us. Miss Ferrars is awfully stuffy.
Oh not in the holidays, pleaded Kathie.
I can’t call you Auntie, said Samantha seriously. I don’t know you well enough.
It’d better be Kathie then, said that lady with a smile.

I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous at the bond that Kathie and Samantha formed. After a few days Samantha was more willing to share her feelings with Kathie than with me. Yet in a way I was glad. It seemed to be doing them both so much good. Kathie could understand Samantha’s loneliness in a way that I would never be able to.

Luke turned one at the beginning of August and I found myself wondering where the time had gone. It had all passed by too quickly. The final two weeks of August, Kathie departed to make the rounds of her friends and I packed up to make the annual trip south to Tish’s parent’ house. It was strange not having Nicole with us and I wasn’t sure that we’d ever get used to it, each of us would always be looking over our shoulder and expecting her to be there before remembering.

August 23rd fell on a Sunday and the afternoon saw us lazily sprawled on the beach. Samantha had taken Alice to play in the sea whilst Ben and Luke had their naps.

What are you doing, asked Lucy lazily as Tish began rummaging in her handbag, eventually producing some crumpled sheets of paper.
Five years, she said. But I don’t really feel…
I reached out and took them from her. We should. Nic would say we should.
I know, replied Tish solemnly. I guess I’m just too scared to see what five years might bring. She laid a hand on her stomach. Especially… Lucy and I exchanged quizzical glances. I’m pregnant. And I’m terrified, she admitted.
Oh Tish, I said, sitting up and slipping my arm around her. Don’t be.
I can’t help it… after Nic and even you. Didn’t it scare you?
Well, yes, but…
She shrugged. I just feel a bit as though I’m dancing on Nic’s grave.
You’re not, put in Lucy suddenly. And she wouldn’t let you feel like this.
I told you all about Ben just after Nic had a miscarriage and now… I feel so guilty.
Lucy’s right, I said. Nic wouldn’t want you like this; she didn’t let you over Ben, did she? So let’s read our predictions, make new ones and burn the old ones.
Tish shook herself. You’re right, she said taking the papers back from me. She scanned her sheet. I’ll go first – it was my idea. Lucy – off to Cambridge but without a fight and with Christian so definitely romance! Sharlie – married, two children, doing something with that book of yours. Nic – she was still writing, but the children… And me, well I married Peter. Dr Burrows?
Lucy grinned no longer embarrassed by the title. Sharlie, very right – children, writing and a long suffering husband. And I would have been right for Nic as well. Tish is married but I don’t know how much talking to your conscience you had to do. And I’m still in Oxford doing what I love best. Sharlie?
Right about Tish, kind of, you weren’t engaged as long as I thought you would be and had Ben too soon. Luce, hmm, on your way to being a world expert and unless Oxford are fighting to keep you there’s been no sign of an undignified and unsightly battle, more’s the pity. Nic’s book did well and… two daughters, I was right, just not in the way I hoped. And my hope for me was right. What did Nic say about us?
Tish opened Nicole’s paper. Lucy’s defecting but not because she feels undervalued. Sharlie’s married with children. I’m married but I haven’t played hockey since having Ben sadly. And… Nic was working on the second book when… She paused.
Five years time, suggested Lucy. When we’re 39 and dreading turning 40. Tish?
Well I guess Sharlie and I will be staid old married women but with a few more children in tow. You’ll be happily ensconced at Cambridge and hopefully married to that nice Christian of yours. Sharlie?
I groaned. Darn it, Tish, that was exactly what I was going to say! And I’m not saying any different. Luce?
I agree about you two. I’d like to agree about Christian but it depends if he ever asks.
We all laughed. Be here on 23 August 1969 then, said Tish.
I’ll drink to that, chuckled Lucy as I took the papers from Tish and hunted through my bag. What are you doing?
I’m sure I’ve got some matches somewhere.
Here, Tish handed me her box.
I struck one and held it to the papers of five years previously. Ashes to ashes, I whispered as the flames took hold.

The house was oddly quiet after the holidays without Kathie and Samantha but I soon got used to it again. Harriet’s third baby, Constance Harriet, to be known as Connie, arrived in late September. Juliet was thrilled with her new little sister, Daniel less so, it seemed to be a universal thing for older brothers. David and Louise announced that they were expecting their third in February a week or so before Tish’s was due. It had set Colin and I off talking about adding to our own family. Luke was no longer completely dependent on me, although he did require me to be constantly vigilant. In the end we decided we would be better off leaving it for a few more months and then reassessing the situation so we could get off one or the other side of the fence. Autumn began to give way to winter and towards the end of November the post brought news from Sara and Pedro.

Dear Sharlie.

We have a second boy, on 21 November, Isaac Carlos Ziv Monatñez, Carlos for everyday. Isaac is for my father, Carlos for Pedro’s and Ziv is a Jewish name meaning bright. Ziv was mother’s choice, as was Shalom for Pablo and Orah for Soledad. Mother knew such dark times that she only wants Carlos to know light.

Pedro and I are looking forward to your visit next month. It seems such an age since we last saw you and the children will have grown enormously. I hope you, Colin and the children are all well.

Love, Sara, Pedro, Soledad, Pablo and Carlos.

Sara’s setter had given me food for thought and I hunted out my notes for Anna’s story which had lain forgotten in recent months. I set back to work with an enthusiasm I thought I had lost for study. It helped Colin expand his cooking repertoire beyond scrambled eggs on toast as there were so many days when he knew not to disturb me. I was still wary on occasion of the smells emitting from the kitchen and some of his more adventurous concoctions but I was slowly learning to trust his cooking.

We headed to London for a few days in mid December for a whirlwind tour of all our friends in the capital. We had almost too much to fit in and several visits to friends had to be cut short. I managed lunch at Trixie’s with Tash and Lily Beth whilst Colin went to meet some photographer friends. Lily Beth confided that she was due an extension to the family in May. Sara and Pedro were happy and coping well with the latest addition to the family despite some of two year old Pablo’s better attention seeking tantrums. I spent an afternoon with Professor Stewart to talk over work whilst Colin and a fellow photographer took their muses to Mayfair. We tried to make some sense of where I had got up to with Anna’s story and tried to undo where I had been unable to think straight. Having caught up as best we could we headed back to Liverpool and some semblance of normality.

Kathie arrived a few days after the end of term and I was glad of the help for both Alice’s birthday party and Christmas. Alice turned three surrounded by her friends and family. She was no longer my baby, she hadn’t been for a while. She was my little girl but I often found myself nostalgic for her baby days. I loved watching her grow up and changing but I did wish that there was some way to keep both her and Luke young a little while longer. We had Christmas at our house, Alice’s birthday cleared away to make room for the family Christmas we had all come to love. Colin and I saw in 1965 at Lucy’s, toasting in a year that we hoped would put 1964 behind us.

The year begin quietly, January feeling strange and empty without all the chaos that December had brought. David and Louise’s third daughter, Niamh Winifred, arrived in early February a scant four days before Tish’s new daughter, Theresa Nicole to be known as Tess. Colin and I paid a visit to meet Tess at the end of the month and from there I headed south to Devon with the children to pay Simon and the twins a long overdue visit. I hadn’t seen them in almost twelve months and the twins, now almost five, had changed beyond all recognition. Molly promised to be the spit of Peggy whilst Jonno clearly took after his father. Seeing Simon now I found it hard to reconcile him with the days after Peggy’s death. He doted on Molly and Jonno and they clearly loved him back. He wasn’t afraid to admit that he often found it hard without Peggy but would always answer the twins’ questions about their mother.

I left Taverton with a promise not to leave it so long between visits again. Simon had half agreed to visit us during the summer and I wondered if I would be able to talk Lawrie into visiting at the same time. I had a funny feeling that the two of them would be good for each other. The twins were only a couple of months older than Louisa and I had a sneaking suspicion that Molly and Louisa would be great friends.

Rebecca informed us that her fifth child was due in August shortly before the Easter holidays. It was a pleasant shock as she and Philip had declared after Billy had been born six years previously that four was quite enough for any family. Rebecca joked that she was missing having a baby around, especially with Sarah due to leave school in the summer she was only too aware of how quickly they grew up. She had always said that she didn’t feel old enough to have a daughter Sarah’s age. Philip was quietly amused by the whole situation though even their children weren’t quite sure how to react. Jack and Billy were both quite indifferent to it, Sarah was pleased but it was Claire, now almost ten, who worried us as nobody could quite fathom how she was feeling.

We were expecting Kathie for two weeks of the Easter holidays and Samantha for ten days. The two of them picked up exactly where they had left off at the end of the summer. Samantha seemed a lot more settled now, happy that she had been able to stay with Lawrie thus not having to be uprooted again. Lucy admitted that it had made her life somewhat easier as she was working out her year at Oxford and trying to organise things for her successor.

A few chance remarks from Kathie had set my mind spinning. I had been feeling somewhat run down of late but put it down to being overtired due to a combination of motherhood and burning the midnight oil with my writing. I tackled Colin on the subject but he merely shrugged it off and said he hadn’t particularly noticed. He had been working a lot of late after Rupert’s announcement that he would be retiring from the shop at the end of the year and leaving it in Colin’s charge. He would still be doing the occasional sitting and things but the shop would be Colin’s.

It was a week or so after Kathie had left and I had been suffering from a bout of insomnia, much to both Colin’s and my consternation.

Are you not asleep yet, mumbled Colin sleepily one night as I rolled over for the umpteenth time.
No. I can’t. I rolled away from him and stared miserably into the dark.
You shouldn’t work so hard. He snuggled up against me and slipped his arm over me. You’re frozen.
You’re all warm and sleepy, I replied, feeling his hands twitching at the bottom of my pyjama jacket.
Have you put weight on, just here, he asked, resting a hand on my stomach.
Not that I’ve noticed.
Is there something you’re not telling me?
No secrets.
Do you think…
What?
Nothing.
No, Colin.
He sighed. You’re tummy feels different, like it does when you’re pregnant.
I… Are you sure?
He kissed the nape of my neck. Yes. Well?
I don’t know. I suppose there’s always a chance.
I hope you are.
Hmm.

He didn’t say anything else and fell straight back asleep. I lay awake for a long time thinking. The following morning I looked at myself in the mirror. I had definitely put on some weight around my stomach and running my hands over it I realised that it did feel a little like the bump I’d had with Alice and Luke. I anxiously flicked through my diary but found it to be no help. My periods had been irregular since Alice had been born and half the time I didn’t bother making a note of them. I knew that I would have to bite the bullet and go to see our doctor.

I ended up seeing Dr Frank a little sooner than expected as that afternoon I went along to make an appointment to see him and fainted in the waiting room. His kindly receptionist took Alice and Luke off to find them some biscuits to calm them down whilst Dr Frank took me into the consulting room. I lay on the couch wishing that the world would stop spinning as we talked through my symptoms.

No sickness then, he said.
No. I feel a bit nauseous from time to time but not actually sick. I usually feel a bit faint or dizzy or both with it and at other times as well. But today’s the first time I’ve actually fainted. I’ve just been feeling a bit run down and tired lately, you know how it is with two small children to run around after.
What about your diet – no loss of appetite?
A little, but I thought because I’ve been feeling a bit run down anyway it might be that…
Hmm.
I bit my lip. I did wonder if I might be pregnant again.
Last period, he asked whilst untucking my blouse to examine my abdomen.
I’m not sure, I get a bit lax about making a note of them. I think it was the end of January or the beginning of February. It was around then but I’m afraid I can’t be any more precise. Colin said that my stomach “feels pregnant”.
He chuckled. Hmm. It would be your…
Third.
He may have made a good guess. I’ll do a test to make sure and run a few others as well. I’m fairly convinced that you might be a bit anaemic and that’s why you’ve been feeling run down and faint. And it might just explain your little display in my waiting room, he added with a smile.

Dr Frank’s receptionist insisted on sitting me down with a cup of strong tea until she was happy for me to leave and walk home. Both tests came back positive and Dr Frank passed me over to Angie’s care for the pregnancy. Angie had been my midwife with both Alice and Luke and I liked her no nonsense and sensible approach to things. Dr Frank sent me home with a prescription for iron tablets and a half hearted promise to take it easy, something so much easier said than done. Now I had to break the news to Colin, something I did in a way I would never have planned.

It was a couple of days later and I had been cleaning the bathroom when I had been seized by one of my dizzy spells. In trying to sit on the edge of the bath to let it pass over I had fainted. I was only out for a few seconds but that crash had brought Alice running and I came to with her standing over me white with shock. Common sense suddenly took over as I struggled to sit up and did my best to reassure her that I was fine. I sent her next door to get our kindly neighbour to come over. She insisted that she would take the children for the afternoon and sent me to bed. I tried to take the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep but my head was pounding and I couldn’t.

Sharlie, what… Mrs Meredith said you’d fainted. Colin’s arrival home broke through my self pity. You look dreadful, he said, perching on the bed beside me as I struggled to sit up.
That’s no way to greet me.
Well you do. What happened?
I fainted.
You didn’t hurt yourself as well?
No, but I’m… pregnant.
Golly, he said, pausing for a moment. That’s fantastic, he enthused, hugging me tightly. I hoped that you were. Is that why you fainted?
No, that’s because I’m anaemic. I held up my hand. Before you panic, it’s nothing to worry about. Dr Frank says it happens sometimes in pregnancy and I’ll be fine so long as I take the iron tablets and look after myself. Angie’s said the same thing.
Are you sure?
Yes. It affects lots of people and most of them manage to live normal lives so please try not to worry.
Hmm. Easier said than done, sweetheart, when I come home and find you like this.
I’m okay, just a bit shaky.
What am I going to do with you, he mused.
I can think of a few things, I suggested cheekily.
Hmm.
Seriously though, Colin, you know I have a memory like a sieve. You’ll have to remind me to take the tablets until I get the hang of it.
So when are you due?
Dr Frank thinks October November time. I’m a bit hazy on the dates front but he says he’ll know better once it starts to show a bit more.
You’re already showing quite nicely.
I know and I hope it’s not going to be a big baby, seven pounds of Luke was more than enough. I put my hand to my head. I’ve got a stinking headache.
Do you want an aspirin?
No, not at the moment, I don’t want to be rude but I do want some sleep.
Of course. Do you want anything else?
No, at least not right now, I replied, lying down. Colin, are you really pleased about the baby? You’re not just saying it?
I’m thrilled. Are you?
Yes, it was just a little unexpected. I know we talked about it but we hadn’t really got off the fence.
He leant over and kissed me, tucking the covers a little tighter around me. It doesn’t matter. I’m still happy. But I think we need to talk properly about you taking things easy, missus.

At that, he drew the curtains and left me to my thoughts. I dozed fitfully for a few hours to try and shake the headache. I could hear Colin talking to Mrs Meredith downstairs but I gave up straining to hear their conversation. I declined dinner, not really feeling up to eating. Colin opted for an early night once the children were bathed and in bed and it was nice to simply spend a few hours lying in his arms whilst we shared our excitements and worries.

After a time remembering to take the tablets became a force of habit and I was having better days as a result. The arrival of Lily Beth’s second son, Stephen Michael, at the end of May prompted a trip to London. I felt worse in London, preferring to hide away at Trixie’s rather than braving the crowds as they always seemed to bring on dizzy and faint spells. I was also becoming increasingly concerned at the rate at which my bump was growing. Everyone saw fit to pass comment on how big I was getting and I had to wonder if I had got the right dates after all.

Coo, you’re huge, was Kathie’s greeting when she arrived for the summer. I thought you weren’t due until November, or are you going in for a multiple?
It’s lovely to see you too, I retorted. You ought to try carrying all this extra weight around.
No ta, it wouldn’t… actually you look dreadful. Pregnancy really suited you with Alice and Luke but you look like death on a plate.
Keep up the flattery, why don’t you, I grumbled as I followed her upstairs.
I’m sorry, she said, dropping her bags and hugging me. I know it must be the anaemia but it’s such a shock to see you looking so awful. It can’t be much fun for you.
No, it isn’t.
But seriously, you’re huge.
So everyone keeps saying.
Are you going in for a ‘Jo Maynard’ as Nancy calls it?
A what?
Twins or more, she grinned.
Not as far as I know.
You ought to check. It’ll give everyone a good laugh if nothing else.
Kathie, I… I began, breaking off as I began to feel dizzy. I made a grab for the banister as the world went black for a few moments and I came round lying in a crumpled heap on the landing.
Sharlie, honestly, you gave me a fright, she exclaimed.
Sorry, I mumbled groggily.
Don’t apologise, you fool. But it’s back to bed with you, I don’t want to get in trouble with Colin even if you do. Honestly, I think it’s a good job I’m here to keep you in line.

I smiled weakly and allowed her to help me up and to bed.


How many are you eating for, was Angie’s first comment when she paid a visit for a check up a few days later. I swear you’re twice the size you were two weeks ago and you still haven’t put on an ounce anywhere else.
Don’t you start as well, I groaned. Tea?
No thanks, I’m running late. Just time for a quick once over.

We headed upstairs and I lay on my bed feeling uncomfortable as Angie poked and prodded at me.

Anaemia been playing you up lately – you are remembering to take your tablets, aren’t you? I nodded. Good, so how are you getting on?
Same as last time, still a bit wobbly on occasion.
Fainting much?
Only a couple of times since you’re last visit. It’s the dizziness and palpitations I have the issues with; they’re a bit more persistent. I’m resigned to the tiredness.
Hmm.
What?
I wonder… She crossed the room to retrieve her bag pulling something that vaguely resembled an ear trumpet from it. She had used it before on me with both Alice and Luke to check up on their heartbeats and I presumed she was doing the same thing. Aha, as I suspected.
What?
She grinned. Definitely two heartbeats. Congratulations Sharlie, you’re having twins.
I’m what?
Having twins. It explains why you’re so huge. Did you not notice more activity this time?
I thought it was just an active baby.
She glanced at her watch and swore under her breath. Sorry, I’ve got to dash I’m running really late. I’ll squeeze you in as early as I can next week to talk this over with you.


You look a bit shell shocked, remarked Kathie as I sank to the sofa beside her. Angie was a bit quick… I began to laugh. What’s so funny?
I… I’m going in for a ‘Jo Maynard’, Kathie. It’s twins!
No, she gasped and I nodded. That’s brilliant – you wanted four. Colin’s going to be over the moon!
Do you think?
Absolutely.

And she was right.

What I don’t understand though, I said to Aunt Jane a week later, is that Angie said that twins often run in families and, well, neither Colin nor I can think of examples on either side.
Hmm?
Were you listening to a word I said?
Sorry, Sharlie, love, I was miles away. What were you saying?
Twins usually run in families but they don’t seem to in ours.
Oh but they do on your mother’s side.
Sorry?
She crossed over to me and sat down beside me. Sometimes it was best not to talk of these things, she said, patting my hand.
What do you mean?
Doctors can do marvellous things these days that they couldn’t in your mother’s.
I don’t understand.
Twins run on your mother’s side but more often than not both didn’t survive. Medicine just didn’t used to be what it is now you have to remember. Your Nan was a twin – her brother died when they were three though. Your Aunt Carol was a twin as well – hers died at six months. Your two elder brothers were twins…
The ones that died? I didn’t think they were twins.
No, your mam didn’t like to talk about it. It broke her heart, and your da’s. The younger was still born, the elder only lived a few hours. Your Bridgie had a stillborn twin as well. Oh Sharlie, love, it wasn’t done to talk about it back then, don’t you see? I’m not even sure your mam would like me telling you all this even now.
But… surely we have a right of some sort to know? I’m glad you’ve told me, Aunt Jane. I think it’s something I needed to know. I paused. What about us – Becca, Eliz and Harri, I mean? Aunt Jane?
It’s not my place to say, Sharlie, love. Now’s not the time to go opening up old wounds, not when you’ve got so much to look forward to.
I shifted uncomfortably. I don’t much feel that way right now.
It’ll soon be over; you ought to be enjoying having your Colin running around after you.
That’s more Kathie’s job at the moment. I’m lucky to have a friend like her – willing to give up her holiday to run around after me and the children.
She’s just as lucky to have you. There’s not many friends who’d give her a home like you’ve done. Where is she anyway?
Taken the children to the park. Aunt Jane?
Yes?
Do you think… my twins, I mean.
Oh Sharlie girl, I knew I shouldn’t have told you. I knew you’d go worrying yourself like this.
I shrugged. I’m already worried, more so than I was with either Alice or Luke. I know the risks, goodness knows Angie’s not one to skirt around issues, I just didn’t know the family history.
No, your mam didn’t like to talk about it. I moved away when you were a baby, your da told me about your Bridgie, heartbroken he was. But things have changed so much since then – there’s so many twins surviving now, look at all those twins you knew when you were teaching.
I thought momentarily of Jo Maynard, and of Biddy and Peggy. I know you’re right. I suppose it’s just a bit of a shock to suddenly know all this. Do the others know?
Becca does.
Why? Aunt Jane, did she…
There are some things better left unsaid. I chewed my fingernails absentmindedly. It’s for Becca to say if she ever wants to. Even sisters keep secrets from each other.
I thought guiltily of my miscarriage that still only Elizabeth knew about.
You’re right… I just…
I know, I’ve turned your world a bit funny when you’ve got more than enough on your plate. Let’s have a nice cup of tea and talk about something cheerier.
I’ve gone off tea, I told you earlier. The smell of it makes me want to be sick at the moment. I’m hoping it’s just a phase – it’s killing me not being able to drink it. I can make you a cup though.
Don’t you even consider it, Sharlie girl. I may be old but there’s life in me yet and I’m more than capable of making my own cup of tea. Do you want anything?

I shook my head and watched her leave the room, unable to shake the uneasy feeling that had suddenly come over me.

Summer wore on and I grew huger, finding it increasingly unbearable. I began to suffer from splitting headaches when I tried to concentrate on anything for a prolonged period of time and my vision would go swimmy. Dr Frank recommended a trip to the opticians and I came away with a prescription for a pair of glasses for working. Once I remembered to wear them it all became so much better and the headaches eased off. As the days passed by I found myself dreading the one when Kathie would have to leave. It was enough trouble looking after myself without the added worry of Alice and Luke. I envied Rebecca who, even with only days to go, was half the size I was. Luke entered the terrible twos as a bundle of boundless energy that I could scarcely keep up with.

Johanna Mary Haughton was born on 12 August 1965, to quote Rebecca “a very definite conclusion to the family”. Rebecca and Philip were both delighted and slightly amused by it all. Sarah adored Johanna from the outset and would often insist on looking after her new sister. She had left school that summer and found a job at a playgroup in the city centre and I didn’t doubt that she was wonderful at her job. It was hard to take in sometimes seeing Sarah with Johanna just how much time had passed; Rebecca often joked that she wasn’t old enough to have a 16 year old daughter. Both Jack and Billy were somewhat indifferent to Johanna’s presence although Billy enjoyed no longer being the youngest member of the family. Claire seemed to have come round to the idea of having a new sister but no one was quite convinced that she was happy about it. Claire certainly tolerated Johanna but it would take some time for her to become reconciled with her.

I had been told that in no uncertain terms was I to try and make the journey to Tish’s parents that summer. As I couldn’t stay comfortable for more than a few minutes I knew that there was no way I would have survived the train journey to Bristol but I was aggrieved to be missing out on my time with Tish and Lucy. In the end they both came to Liverpool for a long weekend. Tish arrived complete with Ben and Tessie, the former a dead ringer for his father the latter showing signs of taking after her mother. Lucy looked stressed which she attributed to the end of her move to Cambridge and worry over the coming term in a new job. She was also wearing a diamond ring that she kept trying to hide until Tish, possessing few scruples, subjected her to constant questioning until Lucy gave in and told us the truth. Christian had proposed only a week before and they were to be married in January during their Christmas vacation. I couldn’t help but be happy that it was all coming together for Lucy.

As the day of Kathie’s return to the Gornetz Platz drew closer Angie began talking quite seriously about the end of my pregnancy. I had reluctantly agreed with her that it would be better if the twins were born in hospital but we couldn’t agree on how long I ought to spend there. I was quite adamant that I wouldn’t go until the last minute but Angie was equally insistent that I ought to be there at least two weeks before my due date and then two weeks after. I was quite horrified and refused point blank to spend that long away from Colin and the children. Angie argued that I was in no fit state to be running around after two small children and I needed as much rest as I could get. Deep down I knew she was right and I had been feeling worse of late but I didn’t want to spend so long apart from my family. In turn, Angie understood my reasoning but stood her ground.

I reluctantly said goodbye to Kathie in September. She had stayed as long as possible to the point of missing the beginning of term meeting and only leaving to meet the school at Victoria for escort duty. I missed having her around and began to realise that maybe Angie had the right idea. Not that I was ready to admit to it.

I struggled on to the end of September feeling increasingly run down and exhausted with each day. I wasn’t happy and was prone to bursting into tears over the slightest thing. Colin was worried and his worry led to us rowing a lot. Angie was concerned as well and visiting every couple of days rather than once a week. I was bombarded by offers of help with the children and the housework; I hated being in a position where I was unable to say no.

It was 8 October, a Friday, and Colin had decided to take the day off from the shop to work from home. We were in the kitchen talking whilst he made lunch. Elizabeth had taken the children for the day and Angie was calling in since she had decided a couple of days previously that we needed to discuss my next moves seriously.

You look worse, she said, breezing into the kitchen and dragging a chair over the sit beside me. And huge, she added.
Thanks, I mumbled.
How are you feeling?
Tired, I admitted. And lousy. But fine apart from that… well as fine as can be expected given the circumstances.
We need to talk about those properly – I’m not having you skirt around the issue like you usually do. She glanced at Colin, who looked uncomfortable, then back at me. Shall we pop upstairs? I’ll give you the once over then we can all sit down with a cup of tea and talk things over.
I’m still off tea, I said as Angie helped me to my feet. I really hope it’s just a pregnancy thing – I haven’t had a cup of tea since August, I added wishing that my legs didn’t feel quite so weak and wobbly.
Are you okay, asked Colin as he took my other arm.
I’m fine, I replied, shaking them both off. And perfectly capable of walking up the stairs on my own.

I set off but only managed a few paces before I felt my legs give way beneath me and the world went black. I came to lying in the doorway with a splitting pain in my head and a dull ache everywhere else. Colin sat beside me with a slab of butter in his hand and moved my shoulder to retrieve my slightly squashed glasses from beneath it. I managed a weak laugh at the state of them as he handed them over to me.

What’s the butter for, I asked, putting a hand to my head.
Your head, he replied. You’ve got one hell of a lump coming up.
Oh.
Oh indeed, he remarked helping me sit up and holding the cold butter to my head. Now maybe you’ll listen sensibly to Angie.
I’m going to ring the hospital, she announced. You’re in no fit state to be staying at home. You need to be looked after properly. How’s your wrist – the right one – you came down on it quite hard.
I wriggled it experimentally, wincing at the pain. Sore.
That’s the one you broke, isn’t it, asked Colin.
I nodded in reply. There wasn’t a crack.
I’d rather you got it x-rayed to be on the safe side, I think.
But it’s fine, I protested. I mean, I can still move it. It’s just sore… I stopped my protests under Angie’s withering stare.
I’m going to telephone to maternity unit and see if they can take you as soon as possible – today ideally, she said stepping over me.
I stared at Colin in horror. I don’t want to, I whispered, reaching for his hand.

I know you don’t, he replied gently. But I think Angie’s right and I think, that for once, you ought to do as you’re told.
I don’t want to leave you, I whispered, gripping his hand tightly.
I don’t want you to go either but can’t you see that it’s for the best? If you’re in hospital then you’ll be looked after properly by people who know what they’re doing. I’m worried about you, sweetheart. I worry every day what state I’m going to find you in when I get home. Admitting that you need help isn’t showing weakness, Sharlie. Luke’s too little to understand properly what’s happening but Alice does and she’s scared about what’s wrong with you.
I didn’t realise…
I mean, she doesn’t understand all the ins and outs of it but she understands about the twins and she understands that you’re not very well. I don’t think we really thought through having them all this close together.
We didn’t really think any of it through – they were all a little unexpected since we spent so much time on the fence.
You’re sidetracking.
You started it.
That’s beside the point. Look, sweetheart, I don’t want you to go but I don’t think you’ve got much choice.
But what about you and the children?
We’ll manage admirably. I can’t take any time off work with father retiring at Christmas which is a bit of a pain but your sisters and Aunt Jane all want to help out, if only you’d stop pushing them away. They just worry about you, that’s all, no one’s trying to interfere in our lives. And it’s not as if you’ll be gone forever – you’ve only got four weeks until your due date and both Alice and Luke were early so I don’t think you’ll be gone the six weeks you could be. It’s considerably less time than a term was.
It was different then. We weren’t married; we didn’t have Alice and Luke. I don’t want to leave them. We always got sent to Nan’s when there was a baby due. It was like we didn’t matter any more, only the new baby and I don’t want them to feel that way.
It won’t be like that for Alice and Luke – they’ll be here with me.
Only when you’re not at work though. The rest of the time they’ll be being passed from pillar to post…
Don’t exaggerate! Your sisters’ll do no such thing – Alice and Luke adore them after all. It’s a good job they’ve a little more sense than you.
I won’t go, you can’t make me, I declared.
He sighed. I know I can’t. No one can make you do anything ‘cause you’re too darn stubborn to accept what’s good for you.
How dare you, I began before bursting into tears.
Oh sweetheart, he whispered, dropping my hand and wrapping his arm around me. I just want what’s best for you, for all of us. What if Angie and I hadn’t been here when you fainted just now? What If you’d been at the top of the stairs or out with the children or…
You don’t need to go on, I know. I hate being like this – it is me it’s happening to after all. It’s all so bloody crap!
Charlotte!
Well it is. I hate feeling so pathetic and weak the whole time, replying on other people to be able to do anything. I just want to wake up and for it all to be over.
They can do operations for that, commented Angie as she stepped back over me and into the kitchen. How’s the head?
A bit sore still but I think you can take that butter off it now, Colin, or it won’t be fit to eat.
Okay, he muttered, standing up to hand it to Angie who put it back in the larder. What did the hospital say, he asked her.
They’ve got a bed and they’ll take you this afternoon just as soon as you’ve had that wrist x-rayed.
I scowled. I don’t see what all the fuss is about on that front. It’s fine now. I dutifully wriggled my wrist to make a point, wincing at the pain it caused.
Going on that face, it’s not, Angie retorted as she turned to Colin. Have you convinced her? He shrugged.
I’m still here, I mumbled. Still sitting on the floor – I’m not invisible you know, just pregnant. Angie laughed. It’s not funny.
No, I know. But you are. Are you going or not?
I looked between the two of them. I suppose, if it makes you both happy. Colin, could you get me some things together please?
You’ve made the right decision, said Angie firmly as she and Colin helped me up and over to a chair. You’ll be in good hands.

But not the right hands, I thought miserably, not Colin’s hands.

I was checked into the maternity unit later that day once it had been ascertained that I hadn’t broken my wrist, merely given it a nasty wrench. I hated saying goodbye to Colin and I hadn’t even been given the chance to explain to the children. Colin promised to bring them to visit but I wasn’t sure it was the best place to be bringing them. After a couple of days I had got to know most of the staff and was rapidly learning which ones to try and avoid having any dealings with. Matron Howard and I were set to never get along, she was too much of a stickler for my liking. Of the midwives I learned to avoid Midwife Gurney who sent shivers down my spine every time I saw her. Midwife Lewis, or Gail as she insisted we call her, was by far the more preferable and I hoped that it would be she who attended the birth. The nurses tended to blur into one but I didn’t take to the strict Sister Maddocks who disapproved of me working in bed; she never understood that it was my release from the dreary hospital routine.

It was my third night in hospital when I was awoken by a violent shaking from Sister Maddocks. I had been having a nightmare and had been screaming. I couldn’t recall what it had been about but I felt shaky and clammy as I always did after a nightmare. I tried protesting that it wasn’t something that happened very often, indeed I was unable to recall the last time I’d had one. But it was to no avail and as soon as she clapped eyes on the pile of work on my bedside table, Sister Maddocks promptly bundled it up, said there was no wonder I’d been having nightmares and took it away. I protested to Colin the following day but he shrugged and said that he thought she had done the right thing. That was when I discovered Nurse Roísín O’Reilly who didn’t agree with Sister Maddocks and took it upon herself to smuggle my work to me. Sister Maddocks had intended to give it to Colin to take home when he came for visiting but she had got caught up in something else and forgotten so Roísín sneaked it to her locker and told Sister Maddocks that she had given it Colin instead. I was forever grateful to her as Anna’s story was beginning to take shape. I asked her why she had been so keen to help but she merely shrugged and said she knew how important it was to tell the stories of the Shoah to the world.

The days began to merge into one, only brightened by Colin’s appearances at visiting time, which was never as long as I would have liked it to be. He sometimes brought Alice and Luke but Matron Howard wasn’t overly keen about the presence of young children on the ward and I could tell that neither of them was completely happy to be there. I missed the three of them so much that it always hurt badly when they left and I would ask to be taken to the bathroom after visiting to cry in private away from the prying eyes of the staff.

I saw the registrar more than most but she assured me it was only because she didn’t get to deal with multiples very often and not for any other reason. Dr Fletcher’s relaxed attitude towards my pregnancy helped a little and I was glad of her fleeting presence on the ward. In addition I was a source of fascination to the others on the ward being the only one expecting twins. I didn’t mind being an object of fascination; it was the pity and sympathy that I didn’t want.

I had been in hospital ten days and I knew from the first sudden contraction that this was it. It was mid afternoon and I was loathe to mention it to anyone. I had sneaked a look at the rota for that week and knew that Gail was on nights and wouldn’t be in until 8pm. I didn’t really want Midwife Gurney to be anywhere near me during the birth and wondered if I would be able to get away without letting anyone know until she was due to go off shift. By 5pm the contractions were coming more frequently and getting more painful and harder to hide. I remembered that Tish, or maybe Trixie, had once mentioned that a bath helped ease the pain a little. Roísín eyed me suspiciously when I asked to have a bath but agreed. Once submerged in the warm water the pain became a little more bearable and I stayed in there for a good hour, somehow finding the mobility to keep turning on the hot water tap with my toes. I hadn’t expected the contractions to get so strong or so close together as they did quite suddenly and I couldn’t help the cry of pain which attracted Roísín’s, who had been passing by, attention.

What’s the matter, she asked anxiously, crouching down beside the bath. I bit my lip and shook my head. Sharlie? I felt my whole body tense with the pain of the next contraction. Roísín frowned. How long have you been having contractions?
About three hours.
How long between them now?
I shrugged. About a minute, I think.
She swore under her breath. I need to get you out of there and to the delivery room.
I shook my head. Not with Midwife Gurney.
I know she’s a bit… But you haven’t got any choice in the matter, besides we don’t want you making a mess of the bath. She leant over and, reaching between my feet, pulled the plug on me.
You horror!
It’s for your own good.

Roísín helped me out of the bath and into my nightdress, handling the whole situation with enviable ease. Not even the fact that my waters broke on the bathroom floor seemed to faze her.

What? She asked in reply to my startled yelp. I pointed. Oh, your waters broke. That’s a good thing, you ought to know that. You just perch there on the edge of the bath and I’ll go and find a wheelchair. We’ll have you in the delivery room in no time.

I had been right in thinking that I didn’t want Midwife Gurney delivering the twins and I wasn’t best pleased with my body for giving me no choice in the matter. Once I had arrived in the delivery room she proceeded with a precision that terrified me after the more relaxed experiences I’d had for Alice and Luke. Roísín couldn’t do much to make it better apart from smiling and offering surreptitious words of encouragement. It had been a good hour since I had arrived in the delivery room and it was all happening too quickly for my liking. I suddenly became vaguely aware of a heated discussion between Midwife Gurney and Roísín and then I noticed the forceps in Midwife Gurney’s hand. My heart sank.

I’ve changed my mind, I informed Roísín. I don’t think I want these babies now.
It’s a bit late for that, Matron Gurney replied crisply.
I was talking to Nurse O’Reilly. And why have you got those?
Because you’ve got a distressed baby in there who’s got itself in a right mess. And you’ve got two of them to consider this time, remember?
I gritted my teeth. I’m perfectly aware of that.

I remember the pain as being nothing like I had ever known until Midwife Gurney announced that the elder twin was a girl, wrapped her up and handed her to Roísín who fled from the room with her.

Where are you taking her, I asked with rising panic once I had recovered enough of my senses to realise what was going on.
To the special care nursery – she’s a bit early and a bit distressed. They’ll take good care of her in there.
But I’m her mother, I protested weakly.
You’ll see her soon enough. You’ll just have to concentrate on this one now.
How can I when you’ve just taken my daughter away without letting me see her?
Because you haven’t got any choice in the matter. I can’t just stop this, you know.
It’s okay, I heard Roísín saying breathlessly as she slipped back into the delivery room. She was crying like there’s no tomorrow by the time I’d got her to the nursery. How’s this one going… She stopped and broke off as she stood beside Midwife Gurney and the two of them went white. Is this one…
Breeched, finished Midwife Gurney.
What, I exclaimed.
Feet first, and I’m glad she’s the second.
I… but…
It’s not going to help if you panic. Just do as you’re told and I’m sure it’ll be fine. Nurse O’Reilly, could you ask someone to find Dr Fletcher?

It was a long half hour until the younger twin, a second girl, made her way into the world. Dr Fletcher arrived just as Roísín was bundling her away. Again I hadn’t been given the chance to see her or even the chance to protest, not that I was in any fit state to do so. As the door swung shut behind Roísín, I lay back against the pillows and cried with exhaustion.

I managed to pull myself together somehow when Roísín offered to take me back to the ward via the special care nursery to look in on the twins.

I think they’ll both be fine, she said, wheeling me along the corridors. Number one had got herself all tangled up and in a right panicked state but she was bawling her head off by the time I’d got her to the nursery. Number two didn’t cry as much and she seems much more laid back about the whole affair. Have you got names for them, she asked as we entered the nursery.
Yes, I replied as she stopped me by their cots and I peered tentatively over the top of one of them.
That’s number one, weighed in at five pounds bang on.
Amelia, I corrected. Amelia Lucy. I couldn’t say anything else, too overwhelmed for the love I felt for the tiny, scrunched up baby in the cot who I longed to reach out and hold and cuddle close to me.
Roísín pushed me over to the next cot. This is number two, four pounds fourteen.
Sophie Patricia, I said. Sophie couldn’t have been more different from Amelia as she lay calmly in her cot showing no signs of the effects of her entry into the world.
I’ll leave you alone with them a minute – I’m off shift now but someone will be along to take you back to the ward. See you in the morning.

All I wanted to do was reach out, pick them up and reassure them but the nurse in charge was glowering at me so much that I didn’t even dare reach out and touch them. I had to content myself with just watching them.

You’ve done a good job there, said a voice behind me.
Gail!
Sorry I missed the show.
I tried to wait for you.
Looks like these two didn’t want to, or at least number one didn’t. I’ve heard number two wasn’t quite ready to face the world. How are you?
Tired, sore, the usual. How long will they have to stay in here?
Only until tomorrow I would say – they both seem to be perfectly healthy.
What about feeding them though?
Bottle – I know you don’t approve but it’s only for twenty four hours. It won’t kill them. I tried to stifle a yawn. I think it’s to bed for you – I’ll get someone to do you a bed bath. Do you want any painkillers or anything to help you sleep?
I shook my head. I don’t want to leave them.
I know you don’t but you won’t be up to much if you don’t sleep – they’re in the best hands here.

I grudgingly allowed her to take me back to the ward where I was put to bed, given a bed bath and soon afterwards drifted into an uneasy sleep. From time to time I wondered if I would have been better off having taken something for the pain since it hurt far more than I remembered with either Alice or Luke. It was the night Sister who realised a few hours later that something was not quite right when she came round to check and found me completely tensed up and biting my pillow to try and avoid crying out. She pulled the covers back from me to try and ascertain what might be wrong, muttered something under her breath and ran off returning a moment later with Gail and another nurse. I was already beginning to drift back into sleep and wasn’t quite sure what was happening. I heard Gail swear and wondered vaguely what it was all about.

Sharlie, she said urgently, shaking my shoulder. Stay with me, for goodness sake. I could barely keep my eyes open. Somebody fetch the doctor I heard her say and then I remembered no more.

I blinked. The world was slowly coming back into focus. I wasn’t on the ward, it was too quiet for that. I was in a room on my own, at least I thought I was, there was certainly no one to either side of me. Someone was shuffling about beside the bed. I tried to remember what might have happened. I’d had a baby, twins – Amelia and Sophie. Where were they?

Sharlie?

I tried to turn my head to speak to the voice, but couldn’t/

Squeeze my hand. I felt someone’s hand slipping around my own and I grasped feebly at it.
Roísín, I gasped the face beside me came into focus. Amelia… Sophie…
They’re both fine, she said reassuringly, squeezing my hand tightly. They’ll be out of special care at tea time. The tears of relief began to stream down my face. You’ve had a bit of a night of it though.
What happened?
I’ll go and fetch Gail – she can explain it to you.
She’s on nights.
She’s grabbing some shut eye in the staff room – waiting for you to wake up. I was beginning to think you were going in for a Rip van Winkle. I smiled weakly. It’s nearly three – you’ve been out of it for the last sixteen hours.


Sharlie, thank God, exclaimed Gail. How are you feeling?
Confused, I confessed.
Any pain?
I nodded. A little better than last night though. Gail, what happened?
You were bleeding – those twins made a bit of a mess of you.
What do you mean?
A few nasty cuts- usually nothing to worry about. I didn’t think yours were but they were deceptive. They didn’t look too bad after the birth but they obviously didn’t like you being moved. We had to get Dr Kenned out to you – I thought you were haemorrhaging to begin with.
Who’s Dr Kennedy?
Oh, haven’t you met him? He’s The Consultant, there were definite capital letters in her voice. We were lucky he was on call last night. He came along and patched you up. It’ll be a bit sore for a few days with the stitches and probably a little while after you’ve had them out but you should be okay in time to go home.
What’s this then, I asked, lifting my hand.
It’s a fluid drip, to stop you dehydrating. You’ve been kept sedated – that’s why you’ve been asleep so long. You’ll be right as rain in a few days though.
I frowned, trying to process it all. But the twins…
They’re lovely. Sophie’s very laid back, taking it all in her stride. Amelia’s been a little fractious though but she’ll be fine once you’ve got her in a routine, I think. Colin’s coming back for teatime visiting so you can see them together. You slept right through lunchtime visiting.
How is he?
Thrilled about the twins, worried to death about you but he’ll b okay once he’s seen you for himself. We’ll keep you off the ward for a bit in this side room just until you’re back on your feet. It’ll be better for you and the twins as well – you’ll be able to get to know each other in a much better atmosphere than on the ward.
I smiled. I feel a bit daunted by having twins. I’ve got friends who have twins and they make it look so easy. I’m sure it can’t be.
They’ll be fine once you get them in a routine – it’ll just be establishing it around your other two monkeys. How old are they?
Alice is four at Christmas and Luke was two in the summer.
Gail let out a low whistle. I don’t envy you.
I don’t much right now either. I’m sure I’ll change my mind soon enough though, especially once I’m back home.
You’ll be there in a couple of weeks time. And now I’m going to grab some more kip and I’ll see you later.

I had never been so glad to see Colin as when he arrived for teatime visiting. The twins were discharged from the special care nursery and brought to my side room. I was glad of the privacy as we spent our first precious hours with Amelia and Sophie. Colin said he hoped that they wouldn’t grow up to be identical but I thought that it could be fun if they did. They were more or less identical now that Amelia had begun to lose the scrunched up look she had had immediately after her birth. Amelia was a tricky feeder, finding it hard to latch on yet refusing a bottle, but she had no qualms about yelling to let me know when she wanted something. Sophie was more relaxed in her attitude towards life, seeming to know that she didn’t need to yell for attention because Amelia would do it. I hated saying goodbye to Colin that night all I wanted was to go home so that we could be a family.

Well, said Dr Fletcher with a drawn out sigh and a twinkle in her eye. I do believe, she paused, that you can be discharged today.
Really, I asked in disbelief.
Yes, really. It’s been two weeks since the birth and you’ve healed nicely. Your haemoglobin levels are still a little low but so long as you keep on taking the tablets you’ll be fine.
What about the twins, I asked anxiously.
It’s not my decision, I wish it was. The paediatricians seem happy enough with them, though and I doubt that they’ve any reason for keeping them in any longer. They’ll be doing their rounds when we’ve finished ours to give you the verdict.
I couldn’t bear it if they won’t let me take them home today.
Like I said, I don’t think they’ve any reason for keeping them in now. Amelia’s a lot more settled now.
She’s still not feeding well.
It comes with time, you ought to know that. You’ll find her better once you get her home – you’d be amazed the number of mothers who take home anxious babies like Amelia and can’t believe the change a few weeks later. Mind you, I think I’d be fratchety stuck in here all day, every day at that age.
I suppose it is hard because Sophie’s the complete opposite – I think she worries enough for the both of them.
Dr Fletcher laughed. I wish I got to deal with more like Sophie.
She’s just so easy going. I’d have thought it would be the other way round – she certainly wasn’t ready to be born, unlike Amelia, so I thought she might object to life. Maybe Amelia thinks she made a mistake. But I wouldn’t change them though; they’re mine and I love them the way they are.
If I had a pound for every time I heard that I’d be much better off than I am now. Where are they anyway?
Being bathed – Roísín said she’d do it whilst you were giving me the once over so I’d have clean babies to take home.
Well I’ve done my part of the job then and given you my considered verdict. But I can’t help wishing that I’d picked up on what a mess you were in after the birth. You could have been spared a lot if I’d not been so useless.
It wasn’t your fault. Even Gail said she didn’t think it was that bad.
She shrugged. I know, she said half heartedly.
But, I pressed gently.
She sighed. It’s just no fun being hauled up by your consultant. In fact, it’s quite embarrassing. I know I shouldn’t complain; I know I’m lucky to be working for Dr Kennedy but, well… it’s me who does most of the donkey work around here, dealing with the patients, doing the ward rounds, looking after the housemen, running myself into the ground and then he just waltzes in from time to time and everyone falls at his feet because he’s the consultant. It’s as though it doesn’t matter how well I do, because I’m the registrar I’ll never be quite good enough. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be bothering you with all my woes.
It’s better than you bottling it all up and keeping it to yourself.
I know, but you’re my patient. You’re supposed to tell me your woes, not the other way around.
I smiled. For the record, I think you’re doing a wonderful job. You’ll be a consultant soon enough, won’t you?
I hope so, in another few years. It’s still a bit of an old boys club though, it’ll be hard to break through and get their respect.
I’m sure you’ll manage it. I have every confidence in you. And when you are then I’m sure your registrar will be eternally grateful to be working for you. Not to mention the fact that you’ll be able to do all the things that you think Dr Kennedy ought to be doing now. Vive la Révolution.
She laughed. I was hopeless at French at school. Yes, Nurse O’Reilly, this last directed at Roísín who had peeped around the door.
Sorry, Sharlie, it’s Amelia. I think she’s ready for feeding, she explained, slipping into the room and handing Amelia to me.
Could you fetch Sophie as well, asked Dr Fletcher suddenly. I’d like to say goodbye to them both. Roísín nodded and left the room. You don’t mind do you? Only they’re quite special.
I shook my head. Not at all. I know they are, they’re mine.

There’s no place like home, I declared with a satisfied sigh, dropping my bag in the middle of the hall whilst Colin staggered in behind me laden down with the twins and all their things. I’ve been away far too long. Where is everybody?
He laughed. They’ll be here soon enough. Eliz is going to drop Alice and Luke back in about an hour so you’ve got chance to unpack and sort the twins out and settle back in.
I don’t need to settle in, I said, taking the big Moses basket holding the twins from him. I’m home.
You’re incorrigible, he returned, kissing me lightly. I grinned. But I love you.

Mam, look. I glanced up from checking on the twins who were slumbering peacefully in their Moses baskets to see Alice come whirling in and hurl herself at me. I wondered briefly when she had started calling me mam. Look, she said again, pointing to the sticking plaster on her knee. I fell over but I didn’t cry. That was brave, wasn’t it mam?
Yes… I stammered. Yes, it was, sweetheart.
Showing you her spoils of war, asked Colin as he entered carrying a drowsy Luke. She will insist on being one of the boys you know.
Mam, can I see the babies?
I held out my hand to Alice and she stood on her tiptoes to peer into the baskets. This one is Amelia. And this one is Sophie.
They’re asleep, she said disgruntledly.
They’re babies; they do it a lot.
Oh, she said with a resigned sigh. Are you home for always now?
Yes, I am.
Good, I didn’t like you being away.
I didn’t like it either, sweetheart.
Will you play with me now? Daddy’s no good at playing; he doesn’t understand.

Colin had sent me to bed early since I hadn’t been able to stop yawning over dinner and I hadn’t argued. I snuggled down beneath the covers with a smile as my feet discovered the hot water bottle he had put in bed whilst I had been getting washed. Curling my feet around it I reflected on just how lucky I was. I fell into an easy doze, stirring lightly when I felt Colin crawl into bed beside me.

Sorry, he whispered, gently laying a hand on my shoulder.
I rolled over and cuddled up against him. I thought I’d forgotten what you felt like, I murmured.
He kissed my forehead. I didn’t.
I wriggled a little to make myself more comfortable. Dorothy was right.
What’s that?
There’s no place like home.

I was awoken a couple of hours later by Amelia’s cries but the comfort of my own bed slowed me down in getting up and by the time I had come to my senses Colin had already got up and gone to her.

I think she wants you, he whispered as I forced myself to sit up. He was crouching at my side with Amelia cradled in one arm. I’ve checked her nappy, she’s not windy and I don’t think she’s crying just for the fun of it. I think it’s a job for you.
Can you check on Sophie, I asked, taking Amelia for him. She’s probably awake and ready to feed as well but she won’t be kicking up a fuss about it, unlike this one.

I settled back with Amelia as Colin carried Sophie, who had begun to grizzle a little, over to the window, crooning softly to her as he did so. His ears picked up Alice’s cries before mine and slipped away before I could even ask, returning with Alice clutching his hand firmly, her other thumb in her mouth and carrying her comfort blanket and a teddy bear.

She wanted a “mummy cuddle”, said Colin quietly. She can come in with us tonight, can’t she? She has missed you.

I nodded in agreement and Colin sat with Alice on the end of the bed keeping Sophie entertained and distracted from the fact that she was hungry. With both twins eventually fed, changed and asleep once more. I settled back down to sleep with Alice curled up against me. I could cope with the sleepless nights. I could cope with anything life threw at me now.

The days began to blur into one and I lost all concept of time, struggling to cope with days of the week let alone dates and anything out of my immediate sphere of existence was a blank. I lost time to an endless run of feeds, nappies, changes of clothes and baths times. I was perfectly capable of forgetting which twin I had changed or fed or bathed. In addition Luke had embraced the “terrible twos” with a vim, developing a noisy and boisterous streak, forever getting himself into one escapade or another when he felt he wasn’t getting enough attention. Alice was now going to a playgroup three mornings a week which made things a little easier but she invariably came back hyper after a morning’s fun with her friends. I couldn’t help but feel that there simply weren’t enough hours in the day. I was functioning an autopilot, not sure if I was coming or going and some days completely unable to hold a conversation with Colin. A pile of letters grew quickly as I could never find the time to sit down and even contemplate replying to them.

 


#3:  Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 9:56 am


I’m here!

I looked up from where I was settled in the rocking chair by my bedroom window feeding Amelia during a rare moment of peace. It was the Monday before Christmas and Colin had taken some time away from work and was keeping Alice and Luke occupied. I grinned at Kathie who had just arrived and poked her head around the door to announce so.

You know how to pick your moments, don’t you, I asked with a laugh. You’ve turned up in time for feeding time at the zoo.
Mind if I come in?
Not at all, Amelia’s nearly done then you can wind her whilst I feed Sophie.
You’re right, she laughed. I do know exactly how to pick my moments. You don’t look much better than when I left, she remarked settling herself on the edge of my bed.
I’ve barely slept for the last two months. I think I’m excused. Besides, you look like you haven’t slept in a week, what has Nancy been doing to you?
Not Nancy, she said, running a hand through her hair. Truth be told, I’m suffering a bit today. I’ve been at Hetty’s for the weekend, we went to a gig on Saturday night and last night was lost in a bit of an alcoholic haze. We didn’t get much sleep.
I thought so. Finished, I asked Amelia who gurgled contentedly in reply. Here you go, I said, easing myself up and passing her over to Kathie before picking Sophie up from her cot.
Oh Sharlie, she’s gorgeous. Those photos Colin sent didn’t do either of them justice. She looks like you – are they identical?
More or less at the moment.
Amelia has your determined look about her.
She knows what she wants alright and isn’t afraid to tell anyone. Any news from school? I do love my children but sometimes I long for a different topic of conversation.
Ros Yolland’s leaving in the summer to get married – to a very bohemian artist chap called Mickey. He’s got some exhibition running in London at the moment, I meant to go whilst I was at Hetty’s but we never got round to it. I think he’s caused a bit of a scandal in certain Chalet School circles but he’s quite harmless really – even if he does wear sandals in all weathers. He worships Ros though, he’s always painting her – he’s done some really fantastic ones. She’s positively walking on air she’s so happy.
Good, I said with a smile.
I don’t think Emily will be far behind her either.
Oh really? I didn’t think she would after the Ben fiasco. Mind you, I suppose it has been six years.
So did I but she’s very taken with the new doctor at the San and he seems just as taken with her. He is a bit of a dish actually. I’d probably have made a play for him myself if… if I had the scruples and morals I did before Nancy tamed my wild ways.
I giggled. She chose a hard row to hoe with you. How is she?
Fine. I miss her dreadfully and I only said goodbye on Friday. I don’t think she was too wild about me going to Hetty’s for the weekend but I don’t think she really understands.
Understands what?
She sighed. How frustrated I get stuck up on the Platz with nothing to do, nowhere to go and no new faces. Hetty knows all sorts of wonderful people and she just reminds me that there is a life outside of the Gornetz Platz. I said the 1960s would be bigger and better and I hate not being part of it. I just wish I were ten years younger. I won’t leave the school, not without Nancy, I couldn’t bear to be apart from her but there are times when I just wish that everything were different. Is that terribly selfish of me?
I shook my head. But you ought to tell Nancy how you’re feeling so she doesn’t think she’s being usurped for Hetty. You only seem to have been friends with her for five minutes.
Oh no, we met at Hilda’s but we didn’t really know each other. It’s only since we’ve left that we’ve got to know each other. I keep trying to explain to Nancy, I really do but I think this is one of those terrible occasions when the age gap gets in the way. She grinned at Amelia. Hopefully it’ll be much easier for you, kid. Amelia responded by being sick down Kathie’s front. Sharlie, she wailed. She’s a real charmer your daughter but she wasn’t mean to disagree with me like that.
I laughed. I told you she knows her own mind already.

Alice turned four and then Christmas passed by in a blur of colour and noise. It seemed barely days since we had seen 1965 in and now I found myself once more wondering where the time had gone. Kathie departed to spend New Year in London with Nancy and some friends leaving Colin and I to see 1966 in as we saw fit. This in the end translated as us failing to see in the New Year after we had crawled off to bed yawning at 9pm after a long day with the children. I had grown accustomed to having Colin in the house all day every day over Christmas and it felt strange when he returned to work in the New Year. Rupert had now fully retired from working in the shop, leaving it all in Colin’s hands.

Lucy’s wedding took place the weekend after New Year and we headed down to Cambridge for it. It was the longest period of time I had been outside of the house since the twins had been born. Colin joked that I looked like a long term prisoner coming blinking out into the sunlight. We had arranged to stay with Lawrie since we hadn’t seen him, Louisa and Samantha in several months. It was also nearly Samantha’s birthday which meant Tish and I were able to spoil her a little. She was due to turn fifteen but there were still times when I forgot and would be still quite insistent that she was the same age as Alice. She had grown quieter in the months since I had last seen her, unlike Louisa who at 5 ½ had definitely developed her “centre of attention” streak, but underneath the façade she was startlingly like Nicole.

Lucy and Christian were married quietly on Saturday 8 January 1966 in Cambridge register office. Neither of them had wanted any fuss surrounding the day, declaring that they were too old for it to be a big thing. Lucy wore a simple white suit with a spray of flowers in her hair, somewhat disappointing Alice how had been hoping she would look like one of the fairy princesses she was so obsessed with. The guest list was small with only their immediate families and closest friends in attendance. Tish and Peter, Lawrie, Nancy, Kathie, Colin and I found ourselves sitting together complete with all the children and were able to press Nancy and Kathie into baby sitting duties. I recognised a few of Lucy’s friends and colleagues from Oxford and her parents and sister, but that was all.

The marriage was witnessed by Catherine, Lucy’s sister, and Christian’s brother and after the ceremony we made our way to Trinity College where Christian had cajoled a few people into letting us have use of the dining room for the day. I exchanged brief words with Catherine but I couldn’t bring myself to go beyond a greeting with Lucy’s parents. It would be ten years since Sam had died and none of us were yet reconciled to what had happened. All the same I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen Lucy looking so happy as she flitted between the guests but always returning to Christian’s side.

Sharlie. Lucy suddenly swooped down and sat in the empty chair beside me. I’ve horribly neglected you since we got here, people keep commandeering me every time I try to make my way over to you. I haven’t seen my goddaughter yet.
I reached over into the pram for Amelia and handed her to Lucy. We meant to call in on you yesterday afternoon but your goddaughter was being somewhat grumpy and not fit for polite society. Besides, we thought you might be all a fluster.
She shook her head firmly. Not me. We finished all the organising last week.
I envy you.
Five years I could have done it like you and Tish did it, but I’m 35 years old, Sharlie, I’ve gone beyond fairy tales. Besides, I don’t think I’d look too good as a meringue.
So long as you’re happy.
Oh I am. Christian’s my friend as well as my… husband. Gosh, it’s so odd calling him that.
It only takes a little getting used to. Although I suppose it’ll be different for you since you’ll still be Burrows professionally.
I’ll have a split personality, she grinned. Dr Burrows in college and Mrs Lennox out of it. I never thought I’d get married you know. I was quite content just to be Christian’s colleague.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment, I quoted softly.
You have a smart reply for everything.
Not everything… I began as Sam briefly crossed my mind.
Today’s not the day, she said gently, guessing my thoughts. I’d like him to be here, of course, I mean he is in a way, but…
Today’s about you, I said, recovering my senses. It’s about you and Christian and your future.

~ You gotta dance like nobody’s watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you’re gonna die tomorrow and love like it’s never going to hurt – Meme Grifsters ~

Things were quiet after Lucy’s wedding. Nobody was pregnant or due to get married in the foreseeable future and it felt strange. For the last ten years or so there had always been something about to happen in somebody else’s life. I returned o my bubble after the wedding with the days blurring into one around the children. Amelia and Sophie were growing more and more identical by the day. I knew them apart instinctively but occasionally Colin struggled. Their personalities, however, remained completely different. Amelia was still the leader who knew what she wanted and when she wanted it. She knew her routine and was always quick to let me know when I wasn’t conforming. Sophie, although she had found her own voice, was content to follow Amelia’s lead and let her twin make the decisions. But she always knew when she felt Amelia had had too much of the limelight and had no qualms about raising a protest.

Alice brought a cold home when she returned to playgroup after the Christmas holidays and proceeded to hand it around the whole family and on to all her cousins. She still insisted on trying to hold her own with the boys – Rebecca’s Billy and Elizabeth’s Mark, who were both six, and Harriet’s Daniel who was seven. She and Juliet, who was now five, were forever trying to emulate the boys. I was glad that she was growing up close to her cousins and to David’s girls as well. From Elizabeth’s Peter who had turned eight the previous year they were all fairly close in age. Rebecca’s elder three were the only ones who rose, or seemed to, above it. Sarah, now 16 ½ often commented that she wished she were some years younger and could join in their games as a child since they tended to regard her as one of the grown ups. Jack, who would be 14 in the summer, was trying to make decisions about his future, whether he wanted to leave school the following summer at 15 or whether he would be able to stay an extra year. It was Claire at ten who was very much the odd one out, slightly too young to understand Sarah and Jack’s world and slightly too old to join the younger ones’ games.

Claire often reminds me of you, Rebecca remarked to me one afternoon.
How so?
Rebecca sighed. She just doesn’t quite seem to fit in with the others – like you didn’t. She has that look about her, like you used to, that says she’s a million miles away. She’s on her own little plane of existence most of the time.
I frowned. She never used to be, not when she was younger.
No, it’s quite a recent thing. I suppose it really started when we told her about Johanna.
You don’t think it’s anything to do with that?
I don’t know. She did go funny for a bit and very withdrawn. I thought it might be jealousy, but she really isn’t in the slightest. I don’t know what it is with her. She just has that very knowing and determined look about her like you used to; it’s like she’s hatching a plan of some description but she won’t talk to anybody about it. I mean I know she was a bit funny about Johanna to begin with but she’s quite reconciled to her now – but there’s something I can’t put my finger on. Sarah and Jack were never like it.
I thought for a moment. No, that’s true. You’ve always known where you’ve stood with those two. But Claire’s a lot brighter – I don’t mean any offence to Sarah or Jack by that.
No, I know you don’t. But you’re right. Sarah and Jack are just like Philip and I but Claire’s so like you at times that she could be as much your daughter as Alice or the twins. And she’s never got her nose out of a book.
You say that like it’s a bad thing, I laughed.
I know it’s not, but… no, I don’t know. I just wish I knew where I was at with her.
Do you think she’s having problems at school? She’s due to go up to the High in September and that last year at the primary can be a funny time.
I suppose it could be – some of them will be going to the Grammar I suppose. But Claire’s not got all that many friends, not like Sarah or Jack, she never has done. I just wish I knew what to do with her, Sharlie.

It was Peter who brought measles home from school and proceeded to share it with all of his cousins. The twins avoided it only by some small miracle, of which I was eternally grateful; the only other escapees were Sarah and Jack who had both had it at primary school. Alice and Luke both had mild doses of it that were nothing to really worry about; they were both grumpy with it but nothing more. Claire was the one who suffered the most and was really quite ill with a nasty bout. It was so close to the Easter holidays when she recovered that Rebecca said there was no point in her returning to school until after them. Mindful of Rebecca’s concerns over Claire, I offered to take her for a period of recuperation.

Both Kathie and Samantha were spending part of their holidays with us and I was expecting Nancy for a few days as well. The twins were just arriving at an age where I was reasonably happy to leave them with somebody else for a couple of hours. Being able to leave them with Kathie for short bursts meant that I was able to spend time with Claire, wondering if I could somehow get to the root of her problems.

What are you reading, I asked, carrying Claire’s lunch into the room she was sharing with Samantha.
She hastily pushed the book to one side and sat up to take the tray from me. It’s… it’s one of yours, she stammered. Do you mind?
Of course not. You know to just help yourself with the books. I sat down beside her and glanced at the book’s cover, Alice in Wonderland. I do like that one – I’ve been reading it to Alice, we finished it last week. What do you think?
She picked at her lunch thoughtfully. I like it. I’ve read it before – I got it from the school library. Mam would say I’m too old to be reading it but I do love it. I wish I could go down a rabbit hole and have marvellous adventures, don’t you, Auntie Sharlie?
Of course. But you can go on adventures anytime you like in your head, you know. She nodded. Do you? She nodded again. Don’t pick at your lunch, Claire, you’ll spoil it.
Sorry, she muttered, blushing. I’m not really all that hungry.
I can take it away.
No, don’t do that. Tea time’s ever such a long time away.
Alright, I won’t.
Auntie Sharlie?
Yes?
When do I have to go home?
Whenever you want although I expect your mam and da are missing you. She shrugged. Actually, I know they are, your mam said so the other day. You’ll have to go back before school starts though. She pulled a face. It’s not all bad, surely?
N-oo, she said at length. Some of it isn’t, but it’s mostly boring so I’d rather not go back. It’s not as if we learn anything at school; everyone in my class is too stupid to learn anything.
Surely not everyone?
Well, most people. Only Lauren, Katie and Jane aren’t but they’re all going to the Grammar in September so there’s not much point me really being friends with them because I’m not.
Aren’t you?
She shook her head. I didn’t do the 11+.
I thought you did.
No, mam said.
Said what?
She just said I didn’t need to. Sarah and Jack didn’t and they were okay at the High so mam and da said I’d be okay there too. But I don’t want to go to the High because I won’t learn anything. I want to learn history and geography and Latin and French and… she stopped and stared at me. Please don’t tell mam I said all that. She wouldn’t like it.

The more I thought about what Claire had said the more I knew that something needed to be done. I knew I had to talk to Rebecca even if it meant breaking Claire’s confidence. There had to be a way around the problem somehow. It was the first week after the holidays and Rebecca had brought Johanna over for the afternoon. I guessed this was as good a moment as any to talk to her.

How’s Claire doing, I asked innocently over tea.
She shrugged. She’s been a bit funny about going to school this week. She’ll get used to it again though.
I decided to seize the moment. But she’s dreadfully unhappy at school.
But…
Becca, why didn’t you let her go in for the 11+?
She told you?
Yes and I don’t understand. Claire could have sailed through it; she was showing me some of her work whilst she was staying here. Just because Sarah and Jack didn’t… Oh Becca, can’t you see just how like mam you’re being?
What do you mean?
Don’t you remember about my scholarship? Mam was dead set against it. She only came round when da died and I hope it won’t take something like that to make you see sense about Claire. I told you she showed me some of her work and it’s just not challenging her. And the High won’t either.
She said nothing for a moment. I’m scared of losing her if I let her follow in yours and Harri’s footsteps. Oh, Sharlie, don’t you see? I never wanted to be anything more than what I was, not like you or Eliz or Harri. I was quite happy to just be me.
I reached for her hand. You’re so like mam at times that you scare me.
I can’t help it.
You didn’t lose me or Harri when we went away to school. I know it was different with mam because of the war and… You’re more likely to lose Claire if you try and make her be like Sarah and Jack.
What can I do though? She missed the exam.
I thought for a moment before inspiration struck and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. I still have the money I saved for Sarah to go to school sitting idle in the Building Society. Sarah told me she doesn’t want it since she didn’t need it for school and Jack’s said the same.
But what about your children?
Different matter entirely and one Colin and I have in hand. Becca, I’ve not got enough to see Claire the whole way through a good secondary education but there’s at least enough for a good few years. She doesn’t have to go away – there are perfectly good schools in Liverpool she can go to as a day girl. I could pay for as long as the money lasts and in the interim she can go for a scholarship, there’s plenty of them. Some of the stigma that I had for being on a schol has faded now.
Sharlie… I… I don’t quite know what to say.
Just think it over, please? Talk to Philip about it, talk to Claire. It’s only a suggestion and Claire is your daughter so it is your decision in the end but please talk to her, and Philip too.
I wasn’t going to leave him out.
The offer’s there.


Auntie Sharlie, you’re wonderful, whispered Claire when I saw her a few weeks later as she hugged me tightly.
What have I done?
Mam says I don’t have to go to the High now. I don’t think I want to go to boarding school, but… she looked over at Rebecca. But mam says there’s lots of places I can go to in Liverpool if they have places and then I go in for the first scholarship that comes up.

Seeing the light in Claire’s face, I remembered my own enthusiasm when mam had agreed to me sitting my scholarship. School hunting and interviews ensued and in the end a place was found for her at a small school in Speke, which also offered several scholarships.

I can never repay you, Rebecca said to me once it was all finalised.
I don’t want or expect you to, I replied simply.

Summer had crept up on me and I was glad of it. The twins were growing up rapidly, changing almost every day. They were forever doing new things, Sophie usually just a few days behind Amelia. With the arrival of the summer holidays I realised properly that Alive would be starting school in the autumn. It seemed only minutes since she had been the same age as the twins. She would be attending the local primary school. Colin and I had agreed that their primary schooling would be done at the local school and we would make a decision about their secondary schooling depending on how that went. With Alice about to start school and Claire about to start at her secondary school, I couldn’t help but think back to my own school days. I had enjoyed them – even though the factory and village schools had frustrated me and St Monica’s had never completely accepted me.

I was expecting Kathie for most and Nancy for part of the summer holidays. Colin was busy with the running of the shop especially since he and Bill had decided to take on an apprentice, Harry, who was a friend of Jack’s from school. Consequently he was working long days and there were times when I felt as though I had barely seen him in days. I tried not to let it get to me but sometimes I couldn’t help it. I missed him so much when he wasn’t there.

Samantha also came to us for a good chunk of her holidays, which she claimed to be a well deserved break. She had been working hard at school of late with her O Levels looming the following year. She still had her heart set on nursing and Harriet often found herself commandeered by Samantha to discuss her future. I had often wondered what Annie would have been like at that age had her father not died meaning she had to go home to her mother. I liked to think that she would have been like Samantha. She was a mixture of both her parents but there were times when it was obvious that she had been brought up by Lawrie and Nicole. She was a credit to the four of them.

Once the twins had stopped being fully dependent on me, Colin decreed that it was high time I started learning to drive once more. After several bad lessons something slotted into place and gradually it became more doable. Colin challenged me to pass my test by Christmas and I was determined to do it. Kathie and Nancy both insisted on taking me out for lessons as well, which were much more successful than the ones they had given me on the Platz more years ago than I cared to remember.

Having not seen Simon and the twins in far too long, Colin and I spent a week in Devon with them in August. Molly had grown even more like Peggy and Jonno was the spit of his father. They both had boundless energy and Simon said he often found it hard to keep up with them and it had clearly been inherited from Peggy. It had been six years since she had died and I could still never quite accept that she wouldn’t be there when we next went to visit.

Colin left me to go back home after our week in Devon and I caught the train up to Bristol to spend ten days with Tish and Lucy and Tish’s parents’ house. I had barely seen them since Lucy’s wedding, she herself having been wrapped up in a rather nasty sounding paper in the intervening months and Tish somewhat caught up with her children as I had been with mine. We had a lovely catch up holiday talking over everything that had happened since Lucy had got married. We had been friends for so long that I didn’t think we could ever not be. They were more than my friends, they were an extension of my family.

With the summer over things became quieter once more. The euphoria that had followed the World Cup had finally worn off and the television set that Colin had been so insistent that we needed for the purpose sat forgotten in the corner. I hadn’t quite understood his need for it since, as I had pointed out on several occasions, he wasn’t really that much of a football fan. He had mumbled something about it being a matter of national pride but I concluded to myself that he had simply wanted a new toy to play with.

In some ways I had been dreading Alice’s first day at school but she had been so excited that I had been loathe to give into my nerves. She barely looked back when I dropped her off as she ran over to join a group of friends that she knew from playgroup. Her class teacher tried to reassure me that she would be fine and I liked her instantly consequently feeling somewhat easier about leaving Alice. I shook myself, remembering that I had gone to school on my first day with only Rebecca for company but it didn’t make the parting any easier for me. Alice’s enthusiasm hadn’t waned by the end of her first day and she chattered eagerly all the way home, barely able to wait until we reached home where she would be able to show me what she had done that day. Mam had never been that interested in hearing our lessons and I was determined that it wouldn’t be the same for my children. Among my happier memories were my evenings with da, sitting on his knee in the front room going over my lessons.

Luke had started going to playgroup three mornings a week as well and suddenly I found myself with some spare time on my hands. I had hardly worked since the twins were born and, once I had shaken off the initial block, I found myself able to settle back down to it. I was determined to get Anna’s story somewhere resembling finished as soon as I could but I was feeling a little hindered by the fact that I hadn’t seen Anna in far too long. A trip to Geneva was a near impossibility for Colin and I and she and Guillaume were due to move nearer to Belfort in the New Year.

In November we spent a weekend with Trixie, partly so that I could see Lily Beth and the latest addition to her family, Laura Suzanne, and partly so I could see Esther and Robert. Colin had been booked for a function on the Saturday night so Trixie and I were able to have a good catch up as I hadn’t seen her in several months. The twins had had their first birthday the previous month and it seemed impossible that so much time had passed. Trixie’s children now ranged from Christopher at 12 down to Susanna at three. It was always the children that made me realise achingly how quickly time passed and how we could do nothing to stop it.

I managed to cram in a very fleeting visit to Ros Yolland, or Harrington as she now was, since I hadn’t been able to make her wedding. I was disappointed not to meet her husband but he had been taken by a muse and headed off to the river to paint. I understood only too well; it was the same with Colin. They were renting a small flat in Camden, which suited them both. It was an artistic and creative chaos which complemented Ros and, I assumed, Mickey; it certainly suited her far better than the order of the Chalet School. She confided that they weren’t too sure what would happen come February when their first baby was due – the wedding having occurred at an opportune moment – but Ros shrugged it off saying that they would cross that bridge when they came to it. I left promising a longer visit next time we were in London.

The Christmas holidays crept up on me; I was caught out when Alice started bringing Christmas related things home from school. She had enjoyed her first term and her class teacher said that she was a joy to teach. Elizabeth’s youngest, Simon, would be joining her at school after Christmas and I was sure that Miss Dewar was more than ready for a joint onslaught from the family. After all, she had already taught Elizabeth and Harriet’s elder children.

Caroline got engaged at Christmas to her long term boyfriend, Lewis Skipton. They had been seeing each other for a few years but had never quite got around to committing themselves fully to each other. Caroline had always said that she hadn’t wanted to rush into things as David had done. The wedding date was set for May as they had decided that they would rather not wait for it. Alice was thrilled that she would be a bridesmaid on the big day along with David’s elder two, Jessica and Clover, and Harriet’s Juliet.

Kathie spent Alice’s fifth birthday and Christmas with us before heading to spend New Year with Nancy. Lawrie invited Tish, Lucy and I, complete with families, for New Year, an invitation we all gladly accepted. We saw in 1967 in a quietly civilised manner, wondering what it would bring for each of us. Privately I hoped that it would be as quiet as 1966; I had grown quite used to a life without drama.

Once Alice was back at school and Luke at playgroup, I was able to settle back down to working. I had eventually passed my driving test at the end of January and was beginning to enjoy the freedom it afforded me. I often wondered why I hadn’t done it before, not that I would have admitted it to Colin. It was still something that I didn’t enjoy doing but I was forced to accept, albeit grudgingly, that it did make life easier. Colin had bought me a little runabout as a congratulations present and, after him, the children and my books, it was my pride and joy.

Anna and Julia came for a surprise and flying visit for a weekend in February. It had been too long since I had seen them both and a weekend wasn’t nearly enough to catch up. They hadn’t been able to bring the children with it being term time and we were all quite adamant that Colin and I needed a holiday to Belfort. I was glad of the opportunity to talk to Anna to try and make some more sense of where I was heading with her story. Face to face conversation was always so much more than a letter could be. She confessed that Sara’s questions about the numbers on her arm were becoming more frequent and she still felt unable to explain. I understood, how could she explain Auschwitz to an eight year old? I would have to explain it to my own children one day and I knew that it would be so different to explaining it to people of my own generation.

Colin was still busy with work as he became ever more in demand. I was pleased that he was doing so well but I missed having him at home as much as I would have liked, especially with the children growing up so quickly. At the same time I knew only too well that Rupert couldn’t have carried on working. His arthritis was giving him serious problems and the nasty cough was plaguing him a lot more. I could see that it was a strain on Aunt Jane caring for him but she didn’t complain. I only hoped that I could have her courage if I ever found myself in the same situation.

Caroline’s May wedding went off without a hitch. The weather was glorious and the bridesmaids extremely well behaved. David looked so proud as he walked her down the aisle to give her away. I couldn’t help but think of Aunt Carol and Uncle Charlie and what they would have made of them both. I hoped that they would be proud of what they had achieved. I didn’t doubt that they would have been wonderful grandparents to Jessica, Clover and Niamh. I thought of my own parents too and only wished that they could be here too to see what we had become.

 


#4:  Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 9:58 am


I was looking forward to the summer holidays. Even though I found that their absence gave me the time I needed to work I still missed having Alice and Luke about the house all day every day. The twins had been crawling for some time now and Amelia took her first steps at the end of May, followed by Sophie a few days later. They were both happily talking nonsense at me constantly. Amelia was still the more dominant of the pair, always leading Sophie who was more inclined to take things in her stride. They had remained identical even though their personalities differed so much. People often struggled to tell them apart, but I knew.

Kathie arrived a few days after the end of term looking tired and a little haunted. She eventually admitted that she and Nancy had hit a rocky patch. She was sure that Nancy was hiding something from her. I had noticed that Nancy’s recent letters had taken a slightly different tone, almost cagey, and I decided that, for once, Kathie might not be overreacting. Nancy telephoned at the beginning of August and, after a brief and urgent discussion, Kathie threw her things into the car and said she was heading to London to see Nancy.

Two days later, Kathie telephoned in a panic. Having eventually got her to calm down enough to make some sense, it was my turn to hastily throw my things into my car and head to London. I hated leaving the children so suddenly and without any real explanation for them; I could only reassure them that Colin, my sisters, Aunt Jane and Rupert would look after them and I would be back in a few days. Colin saw me off with a tight cuddle before I braced myself for the long, lonely drive to London, not sure what I would find at the other end.

I disliked hospitals, I always had done. I think it was the smell and the way it lingered about me even after I had left. I disliked the way that they been planned with their twisting and seemingly endless corridors designed only to confuse. I disliked their oppressive atmosphere, the sense of something not necessarily pleasant about to happen. It was the uncertainty of hospitals that I disliked; the fact that everything here was in someone else’s hands and a decision made was never truly your own.

Having located the ward Kathie had instructed me to come to, I found myself standing idly at the nurses’ station wondering where all the staff were. I tapped my foot impatiently, unable to help myself.

Are you looking for someone, a tired voice asked from behind me.
I turned round to see a young nurse rubbing her eyes. I… yes… Nancy Wilmot, I stammered.
Oh yes, she’s down here in one of the side rooms, she said bidding me to follow her. She’s got someone with her right now and she can’t have more than one visitor at a time. But I’ll let her know you’re here.

I perched uneasily on one of the chairs, glancing at the leaflet the nurse had pressed into my hand. A moment later Kathie appeared, her face white. I stood up and we wrapped our arms around each other tightly.

Kathie, what’s happening, I asked, pulling away from her eventually.
She looked up at me, her eyes dull, and shook her head. Nothing they can do.
But how long? Months? Weeks?
Days, she whispered. The idiot, she didn’t let us know until it was too late so we couldn’t change her mind.

She broke off and burst into a flood of angry tears. I held her tightly to me unable to do or say anything. I simply felt numb with shock.

The room was eerily quiet save for the whirr and bleep of the machines. I swallowed the lump in my throat as Nancy turned her head away from the window and smiled weakly at me.

Sharlie, she croaked.
Nancy, I… oh Nancy, why didn’t you…
Sharlie, don’t scold me. We’re not in school now.
What else do you want me to do? Why didn’t you tell anyone?
Oh but I did. I told all the right people, the experts but…
…not the people who matter, I finished glumly.
I didn’t want to worry anybody.
So you’d rather we found out like this?
At least you can’t talk me out of it now.
But why? Oh Nancy, they’ve made wonderful advances in dealing with kidney failure, I said, helplessly brandishing the leaflet the nurse had given me.
I’ve tried it all.
But… why didn’t you tell anyone?
I did, I told you. I saw Reg Entwshistle when it happened during spring half term. He knows someone who specialises in renal medicine and got everything sorted out for me so I could have dialysis done at the San. Hilda and Nell knew as well – so did Matey. But it wasn’t much fun, you know, and it wasn’t easy to keep lying to Kathie either.
So why did you?
You know what she’s like. She’d never have coped.
You don’t know that. You didn’t give her chance to.
You’re not supposed to be lecturing me.
I can’t help it.
Do you know what dialysis does to you? It drove me mad, Sharlie. It was just eating away at my life when I could have been doing so many other and better things. I didn’t want to have a life dictated by hospitals.
What about a transplant?
I had one, at the start of the holidays, well after I left Kathie so she could come to you. It failed and then I refused to go back on the dialysis.
But why?
I don’t know. I just felt it was the right decision for me to make. I think I’ve always known this is the way I’d go since my right kidney failed during the war. I was lucky then that we had a rather brilliant surgeon on hand who diagnosed it straight up and whipped it out without any problem. I’ve managed quite happily with the one since then but… Sharlie, I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect anyone to.
You’re right, I don’t. You’ve still got so much to live for, Nance.
She shook her head. I don’t want to live a restricted life. I know that thousands of people are quite happy to live with dialysis but it’s not for me. Hilda and Nell have been so good to me but it does get in the way somewhat.
You could have another transplant.
No, I don’t want to run that risk again. Besides, there’s somebody else out there who’s more deserving of it than me. Somebody who’s not had the chance to live like I have. I’ll be 50 in a couple of years and you can’t say I haven’t had a good life. Getting old has always scared me anyway. I don’t want it all to end when I’m some senile old lady who can’t remember anything.
What about Kathie, I whispered. You could have at least discussed this with her.
I know. And part of me wishes that I had.
I don’t know what she’ll do without you.
She’ll find somebody else. She never had any trouble on that front before me.
I don’t think she will. I don’t think, even now, you know just how much she loves you.
She could have had anyone she wanted. I never understood why she chose me.
Because she loves you. I sighed. You’re not going to change your mind, are you?
I’m sorry, Sharlie. My mind’s made up. Look me in the eye, and tell me you wouldn’t have done differently.
I bit my lip and thought for a moment. I would now. I have the children and Colin to think about as well as me… if I didn’t, then I don’t know.

Over the next three days we watched Nancy’s condition deteriorate rapidly. We would stay at the hospital each day until the ward staff threw us out. I was staying with Trixie who never pressed me to talk unless I wanted to but was always there to provide a cuddle when I needed one. Trixie had supported me through so much in all the years that I had known her, far more than I could ever repay her. On the third evening the ward staff didn’t throw us out and a couple of hours later the Registrar calmly informed us that they didn’t expect her to see the night out. Nancy had finally given them grudging consent to contact her family but they wouldn’t make it before the morning.

I watched the clock for most of that night as the seconds became minutes, the minutes hours. It never stopped. Kathie spent most of the night in with Nancy and for my brief periods at her bedside we said nothing. We had said the things that needed to be said in the preceding days.

Sharlie?
Can I get you something?
No. She paused. Tell Luke that I love him very much and I’m sorry I won’t be there for him like Kathie is for Alice. His Auntie Nancy will always be watching over him though. And I’ve a trust fund set up in his name – don’t let him touch it until he’s much older, but he’s to use it to live. Promise me that.
I promise, I whispered, reaching for her hand.
Keep an eye on Kathie as well, make sure she behaves herself. And tell her… tell her, not to be afraid to love again. She’s too good to be on her own. You’ll tell her that? I nodded, blinking back the tears. Give my love to the children and Colin. I’m sorry I won’t get to see them grow up and do you proud. And you… take care of yourself Sharlie, I don’t think you’ll ever realise how special you are.

It was only when I left her that I was able to let the tears fall briefly. I pulled myself together for Kathie’s sake. The hours passed by and I watched the hands move steadily around the clock. Fighting the tiredness, I was only vaguely aware of the comings and goings around me as the night wore on. At some point I became aware of Kathie standing beside me. I looked up, knowing already. She shook her head and sank to the seat beside me.

It’s over, she whispered, her voice breaking. But at least… at least it was peaceful. She just fell asleep and…

She broke off and we fell into each other’s arms.

There was little that we could do once Nancy’s family arrived later that morning and took over things. I was suddenly mindful of Colin and the children and realised that I possibly ought to head back to Liverpool until the funeral. After a sleepless night I didn’t much fancy the drive back to Liverpool immediately and found myself in something of a quandary. I managed somehow to persuade Kathie to leave the hospital, making Nancy’s sister promise to contact us with all the details of the funeral as soon as she had them. We then headed to Trixie’s in silence where I snatched a couple of hours much needed sleep before facing the long journey home.

I wish we could have stayed, Kathie said suddenly as we drove through the Midlands. It was the first time she had spoken since we had left London. It’s always been about keeping up appearances.
Nancy’s family didn’t know that you two…
That’s what I mean. I’ll just be pushed to one side as a “friend” now, as if my feelings never mattered at all.
But she knew.
What difference does that make now?
As much as you want it to.
I just want her back, she muttered, picking at the hem of her skirt. Why didn’t she tell anybody? I knew there must have been a reason why she was being cagey with me but… an affair I could have coped with, hell I could have coped with anything, but not this… not something so… so final. I wouldn’t have loved her any less because of it. She shouldn’t have gone all through that on her own. Why didn’t she tell me?
She didn’t want to worry you.
Well she did. She worried me all the more by not saying anything. And then.. and then… she tucked her knees under her chin and gazed miserably out of the window. Why did you have to die, Nancy?

There was nothing I would say to make things any better. We stopped at the next village for coffee in a tiny café. We sat in silence, cradling out mugs, both lost in our thoughts about what could have been. Suddenly mindful of the time once more, I realised that we should continue our journey. For my part, I was only too glad that Colin would be waiting for me at the end of it. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what Kathie was going through.

Home had never looked so welcoming as it did that evening when I pulled up outside. I was greeted by joyous shouts from Alice and Luke as they came running out of the font door, followed by Colin with Amelia and Sophie clutching his hands.

Have you told them, I whispered to him as he held me tightly.
Yes. I think Alice understands but she wants to talk to you about it. I’m not sure about Luke. I think you may need to go over it again with him.
What about the twins?
I haven’t told them anything. I’m not sure they’d understand.
I think they understand a lot more than we give them credit for. I’ll tell them even if they don’t.
He pulled away from me. You take the children. I’ll deal with the luggage, and Kathie.

Kathie took his proffered arm and they headed indoors together with our bags, talking quietly. I followed with the twins clutching my hands and Alice and Luke dancing around me talking at once, vying for my attention.

Mam, said Alice purposefully as the five of us cuddled up together in the living room on the settee.
Yes, sweetheart?
Is Auntie Nancy really dead?
Yes, she is.
So she’s never coming back?
No.
Never, asked Luke, trying to understand.
I’m afraid not, sweetheart.
But I don’t want her to be dead, said Alice stubbornly. I want her to come back and stay.
So do I.
It’s not fair.
I know it isn’t.
But why can’t she come back, asked Luke.
Alice rolled her eyes and tutted with her 5 ½ year old superiority. Because dead people go to heaven, silly, and you can’t come back from there. Mam, was Aunty Nancy really old?
No.
I thought only really old people died – like Isobel’s granddad.
No, sweetheart, anyone can die no matter how old you are.
I don’t want to die, declared Luke. I’m not going to die, not even when I’m really old.
I couldn’t help myself and giggled at him. If you insist, Luke.
Will we have to go to a… a… funeral, Alice stumbled over the last word. Isobel wasn’t allowed to go to her granddad’s.
We’ll see, I said, not sure I wanted to expose them to a funeral at that age, forgetting that I had been barely older than Alice when Nan had died. I’ll have to talk to da about it.
AIice nodded solemnly. I don’t think I like people dying. You won’t die, will you?
Not for years and years. Not until you’re all quite grown up.
I’m not growing up, put in Luke. If I don’t grow up then you’ll never die.

I resisted the urge to cuddle him tightly, Luke had a boyish hatred of such things. Colin’s entrance broke our conversation instead.

Where is she, I asked anxiously.
Cried herself into a bit of a headache. I’ve given her an aspirin, she’ll be down in a bit. I nodded and he grinned at the children. I bet you haven’t shown your mam what we did for her, have you?

With a cry of remembrance from Alice and Luke I was pulled from the settee and dragged along to the garage which we used as Colin’s darkroom, he following with Amelia and Sophie. In my absence Colin had taken it upon himself to do a new set of portraits of the children in honour of Luke’s birthday. Underneath them was a slim, leatherbound album which I flicked through quickly. It contained all our pictures which featured Nancy. I raised my hand to brush away the tears, not wanting to cry in front of the children.

Colin, I… it’s… I couldn’t think what I was trying to say.
There’s one for Kathie too, when she’s feeling a little less fragile. If it had been you…

I shook my head and he broke off. We stood in silence for a moment watching the children. I counted my blessings and gave silent thanks for what I had.

The funeral took place five days later at Nancy’s home. The intervening days were the hardest. Kathie had retreated into the defensive shell she had placed around herself when her Aunt and Uncle had died and wouldn’t talk. I knew that she would eventually but it was just waiting for then that was the hardest. She took her solace in writing, sitting in the garden under the shade of the apple tree, her pen flying over the paper in endless letters to Nancy, letters that would never be answered. Alice and Luke soon stopped asking questions, accepting what had happened in their own ways and returning to their own bubbles.

We had decided against taking the children to the funeral and I went alone with Kathie. I didn’t recognise an awful lot of people there but found myself sandwiched between Kathie and Biddy during the service, Kathie’s hand clutching tightly to my own in a bid to hide her true emotions from the prying eyes who hadn’t known about their relationship. Biddy pointed out a few people to me, putting names that I vaguely recognised to faces that I certainly didn’t.

After the service we made our way to the village pub, Kathie in the safe hands of Hilary Graves. I found myself walking alongside Hilda Annersley, looking somewhat older than when I had last seen her in the autumn of 1960.

I’m disappointed to have not met your famous children, she said with a smile.
Colin and I didn’t think it appropriate for them… they’re only young after all.
I didn’t mean… it’s only because we haven’t seen them in far too long.
I know. Only a trip out to the Platz with my young monkeys is hardly practical, especially with Alice now at school. And I always said I wouldn’t stay away – seven years is such a long time and I do miss it all terribly on occasion.
But you wouldn’t change what you have now.
Oh no, I shook my head. I only wish I could have seen everyone again in happier circumstances – I know that’s a terrible cliché and everyone says it at funerals.
Kathie’s handed in her resignation, you know/
No, I… she never said.
She’s leaving us at the end of Christmas term; she said she couldn’t stay – not with all the memories. I understand where she’s coming from, if it were Nell… Kathie hasn’t been happy for some time now and you know yourself that you can’t hold people back.
She did say that she felt trapped on the Platz sometimes and that she was only staying for Nancy’s sake.
Any school will be lucky to have her, if she decides to carry on teaching. I get the impression that she doesn’t really know what she wants at the moment.
No, I don’t think she does. I wish she’d talk to me. I know she was the same when her Aunt and Uncle died and she will talk in her own time but… I don’t know. How are your plans for retirement coming along?
She smiled. Nell and I have all sorts of plans, nothing too concrete yet – we don’t want to commit ourselves right now. I’m still on course for summer 1969; Nell will follow a year later once the new Head is settled. We always thought that Nancy would head the school proper with Kathie over at St Mildred’s but we’ll have to rethink that one now. Whoever takes over will need to be strong though. I think the 1970s will see big changes for the Chalet School.
You don’t think it’ll stay on the Platz?
Would you consider sending your girls that far to school?
No… oh… I see.
We’ll have to wait and see I suppose. That’s all we can do.

I spent the afternoon catching up with various friends from the Chalet School, filling each other in on the news. Towards the end of the afternoon I drifted away from the crowd a little and found myself sitting beside a red haired man I didn’t recognise.

How did you know Nancy then, he asked suddenly.
We used to teach together, I replied.
I knew her back in the War.
Really? The work she did then sounded fascinating. I’m Sharlie Graham, by the way, I said, holing out my hand.
He shook it gently. I’m Rufus. It’s really William. William Fairfax.
You’re… you were… you were married to Nancy.
He blushed a little. She told you about me? I didn’t think…
She was very drunk at the time.
She always used to be able to handle her drink.
Oh she could, much better than the rest of us, but I guess that night was an exception. She only told a couple of us. It wasn’t something she tended to talk about – she certainly never mentioned it again, at least not to me.
It was a bit of a mistake.
She said as much.
We only did it because of D-Day. I couldn’t tell her what I was doing, of course, and I didn’t think I’d make it back. It had all moved a bit quick between us. Was there anyone after me?
Yes, but she didn’t marry again.
She didn’t deserve to be on her own. She was a lovely girl, just not…
Not what?
I always got the impression that she was never as interested in me as I was in her. I don’t know what I was doing wrong.
I smiled. She was very choosy. How did you find out about… today?
Death notices in the paper. I don’t usually get that far into the paper – politics today makes me too angry. In the war I got used to people of my age dying but not now, I always think we’ll all live forever. I was in two minds about coming, but thought I ought to pay my respects. I won’t stay much longer though – I have to get home tonight. I didn’t tell the missus the truth about where I was going today and I need to get back before she gets suspicious.
I take it you never told her about Nancy.
Not as such. I had to tell her I’d been married before and got a divorce, naturally because it caused so many problems for our own wedding. But I never really talk to her about the War.
I glanced up as Kathie crossed over to us. Sharlie, we need to think about making a move if we want to be back in Liverpool before midnight.
I checked my watch. I hadn’t realised the time, I’d better say my farewells. It’s been lovely talking to you, Mr Fairfax.
Rufus, please, he said as I stood up. And it’s been a pleasure to meet you too.


Who was that, Kathie asked as we left the pub. The red haired man?
William Fairfax.
Nancy’s… her husband?
The very one.
But what…
Same as the rest of us, I said, unlocking the car. But that’s by the by, we need to talk.

There was an awkward silence as we settled in the car and I navigated my way out of the village.

We need to talk, I said again.
Kathie stared out of the window. What about?
You.
Me?
Yes. Why didn’t you say you were handing your notice in? Come to think of it – when were you planning on telling me, next week, next month, the end of term…
Sharlie, stop. Now, I was going to tell you now. Who told you anyway, she asked defensively.
Hilda, she assumed you’d already told me.
Ahh.
Indeed. She didn’t mean to break your confidence.
No, I realise that.
Do you think you’re doing the right thing?
She shrugged. I don’t know, probably. I’ve been in a quandary since I first found about Nancy… I wrote the letter and put it in my handbag just in case and then… then when I saw Hilda before the funeral started I knew I had to hand in my notice. I’m not looking forward to next term and I know it won’t get any better for any term in the future. I’ll always be looking for her, expecting to hear her voice at any moment. I don’t think I could live with all the memories of the place. Everything and everyone will remind me of Nancy.
So what are you going to do?
I’m not sure. I’ll come back to England though, there’s nothing holding me in Switzerland. Besides it’s all changing on the Platz now – especially now TB’s well and truly on the decline. Eugen’s been offered a position down in Geneva that I think he’ll take so he and Biddy will be going. Hilary and Phil have been talking about coming back to England. And, to be honest, I’ve never really had the same friends in school – Hilary and Biddy have been wonderful of course but Aldersnest isn’t school – since you and Peggy left. I’m afraid Nancy and I isolated ourselves a little. And Emily’s leaving this summer as well.
Marrying her nice doctor?
Yes.
Good. I must write to her. But what about you?
I thought I’d use spring term to try and sort myself out. I need to go to Auntie and Uncle’s house to sort things out there – I’ve been rather slack on that front. And I’d catch up properly with my friends and if you wanted a visitor…
You know you’re welcome any time. It’s your home as well, remember. You’re part of the family.
She smiled weakly. After that, I don’t know. I’ll probably try and get some supply work for summer term – my savings aren’t bottomless by any stretch of the imagination. Hopefully I’ll have found something permanent by autumn term. Obviously I’ve not really thought things through yet but I’ve time to do that. I have to admit that I’m a little scared at starting over again. The Chalet School’s been my life for so long – I’m sure I never originally intended to stay all these years. I have been happy there but I think it’s time to move on.
A new beginning?
Yes, I suppose it will be. I won’t forget Nancy – how could I? But I want to be somewhere I can remember her without being haunted by her. There’ll never be anyone else like her.
You don’t know that.
I do. She was my soul mate. I don’t think you get many of them to the pound. Would you want anyone else after Colin?
No, I don’t think so.
See what I mean then? I nodded. It wasn’t too bad for a funeral, was it, she asked with a false brightness.
No, I don’t suppose it was.
I’ve definitely been to worse. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be either; it was oddly… I don’t know, I can’t quite express it. Liberating is the wrong word. I suppose… I feel a little better knowing that she’s at peace even if it wasn’t how I’d choose her to go.

It was as if the funeral had lifted a weight from Kathie’s shoulders. She still had her darker moments but her talk of the future seemed to be a step in the right direction. I suspected that she cried more in private than she let on, however. The children seemed to give her a new enthusiasm and Alice and Luke would recount tales of their time with “fun Auntie Kathie” time and again. They would miss her when term started again.

I had been feeling a little uncertain about our usual trip to Tish’s parents’ home but fortunately she solved the quandary. Being heavily pregnant, their third due at the beginning of October, Tish said she wasn’t up to the journey and invited is for a long weekend at her home in Manchester. Kathie was included in the invitation and accepted as she hadn’t seen Lucy so far that summer. Tish had entered the “uncomfortable” stage of her pregnancy, Lucy on the other hand…

I have news, she announced suddenly over lunch one day. Well, Christian and I do.
Where is he anyway, interrupted Tish.
Up to his ears in finishing a paper, poor love.
Does your news relate to why you’ve been a complete grouch these last days, asked Kathie in between bouncing Amelia on her knee.
Lucy blushed. It may.
Do tell, smirked Kathie.
If you’re going to smirk like that then I shan’t.
I rolled my eyes. Really you two. Come on Luce, tell.
Lucy leant forward, resting her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands. As I said, Christian and I have news. We’re having a baby. A silence descended and she leant back in her chair. Well, aren’t you pleased for me?
Luce, that’s fantastic, I managed to stammer as Tish and Kathie echoed my sentiments.
Feeling left out, Sharlie, asked Kathie with a mischievous grin.
I shook my head. I’ve done my bit for repopulating planet Earth, thank you very much. When are you due, Luce?
February, around the tenth.
What does Christian think, asked Kathie.
He’s a little wary. We both are. We weren’t sure that children would be a good idea. We’ve always been so wrapped up in our work that… I mean, we are pleased even though it was quite unexpected. And we will do our best but it’s rather different for us. I intend to carry on working, you see. I can cut down on my teaching commitments but research is the sticking point. I’m worried about being able to manage it all and raise a healthy, well balanced child. I don’t want to rely too much on anyone’s help – my parents always left Sam, Catherine and I with a nurse or a nanny to much and I don’t want it to be like that.
Tish reached for her hand. You’ll be fine, my love. If Sharlie and I can manage it then so can you. Sharlie still manages to juggle.
Not very well though, I muttered.
Beside the point, retorted Tish. I had Ben and everything else went down the pan. You’ve got your four and somehow you still manage to put in work on your book.
I’ve been working on it for seven years, I protested.
You’re nearly finished though, chipped in Kathie. You said you thought you’d be done by Christmas.
I’d like to think so. I’m sorry, Luce. I’m not exactly inspiring you here.
She smiled and rested her hand on her stomach. At least I know what I’m letting myself in for.

I saw an uncertain Kathie back off the school in September but I couldn’t help worrying about how she would find the coming term. I had extracted promises from those who were better correspondents than her to keep me up to date with how she was getting on. She had never been much of a letter writer and I was grateful to Biddy, Hilary, Emily and Hilda for their regular epistles which supplemented Kathie’s infrequent scribbles.

Alice had gone back to school land Luke was at playgroup every morning in preparation for him starting school after Christmas, leaving me with only the twins for company. They would turn two in October and I never ceased to marvel at how two so identical in looks could be so different in personality. They did get on well though, usually content with each other’s company to the point that I often felt as though I was intruding. Amelia remained the one clearly in charge, whilst Sophie seemed to have settled for the quiet life. Alice would be six at Christmas and I often wondered where the time had gone. She reminded me a lot of myself at that age – pensive and forever questioning the world around her. Luke at four seemed to be more like Colin; he certainly seemed to have inherited his father’s artistic flair.

With only the twins to occupy my attention in the mornings I found myself able to work a lot easier than I had been doing. I was fast approaching a completed first draft and hoped that it would be ready for Christmas. Anna and I wrote with an alarming frequent as I tweaked parts and wrote whole new pieces. The sheer volume of paper it occupied amazed me; I was scarcely able to believe that it was all my own work. Robert’s supportive correspondence was equally frequent and I only hoped that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the finished article.

Tish and Peter’s third child, Michael James to be known as Mike, arrived in October and she said that he was very definitely the last. Elizabeth offered to babysit for a day and I took the chance to go to Manchester and visit the new addition to the Wallace family. They all seemed perfectly happy, if a little tired by it all. Lucy telephoned weekly always with a new concern about her impending motherhood. I remembered her worries only too well and hoped that I was able to reassure er.

Autumn passed by and soon winter had arrived with a vengeance. There were many November nights when I was only too glad to close the curtains to the outside world and light the fire, retreating to a place of safety.

It was a grey day in early December about a week before the end of term. I was ensconced in the study, which doubled as the spare room, rewriting the umpteenth version of my final chapter with an ear open for the twins. I had dropped my fountain pen and was crawling on the floor retrieving it from under the desk when I heard the car pull up outside. I frowned, we weren’t expecting visitors. I ran through to the twins’ bedroom which was at the front of the house to see who had come to call.

Auntie Kathie’s here, I announced to the twins who looked at me as uncertainly as I was feeling.

With Amelia and Sophie clutching my hands, I made my way downstairs and opened the front door.

I wasn’t expecting you for another week, I called to Kathie as she headed up the drive, her arms full of luggage.
I know, she replied sheepishly as I moved aside to let her in. I hope you don’t mind me rocking up unannounced.
No, I’m just a little surprised, I said as she put her bags down in the call and pulled off her coat. Like I said, I wasn’t expecting you until next week when term had finished.
I was going to ring ahead but… she trailed off as I pushed open the door to the living room to let the twins go in.
But what, I asked gently, wrapping my arm around her shoulders.
She sniffed. I knew you’d worry if I told you I was coming now.
I am worried no. Come on, let’s go and sit somewhere more comfy. Do you want tea?

She shook her head and I led her in to the sitting room. The twins had extricated assorted toys from their box in the corner and were lost in their own private game.

What happened, I asked as we settled side by side on the settee.
She sighed. It’s just been a horrible term, Sharlie. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. I couldn’t get settled at all – I never thought I could feel so uncomfortable there but I did. I was right – I couldn’t live with the memories. I was constantly looking over my shoulder for her. She sighed again. And there were a few vicious whispers going round as well – nothing serious but enough to make me realise that I wanted out.
Oh Kathie, but who…
I have my suspicions but no proof. I’m only surprised that they hadn’t started earlier to be honest. In the end I realised that I’d had enough and wanted to leave; I was barely spending any time in school out of lessons, Biddy and Hilary have been saints. I realised I couldn’t even stand to be there for the last week so I went to Hilda and told her how I was feeling. I was lucky that she understood and I agreed that I could leave now. Anyway, did you say something about tea? My tea supply ran out a few weeks ago and I had no particular desire to visit Jo Maynard for “English Tea”.
I grinned in reply. You’ll find tea in plentiful supply here.
I know. You’re wonderful. Sharlie?
Yes?
Do you mind if I don’t want to talk about last term properly just yet? I need to get a few things straight in my head first.
You talk when you’re ready, I replied, squeezing her hand. You know that. Come on, we’ve time for a quick brew before I have to go and collect Luke and Connie from playgroup. I stood up and pulled her to her feet. Harri’s been covering my back a lot of late so I don’t want to pass the buck.

Kathie was unusually quiet in the first few days after her unexpected arrival but I was grateful for her willingness to take on the children as I wrestled with my final chapter. She had evolved some elaborate game with the four of them which neither Colin nor I could understand and our questions were only met with secretive smiles. She said little about what had been happening at the Chalet School, deflecting my careful questions to talk about Lucy and my work instead.

It was late on Christmas Eve. Colin and I had stayed up late to finish wrapping the presents ready to take to Elizabeth’s the following day. The fact that Alice’s birthday fell so close to Christmas meant that we were always behind on our festive preparations so as not to distract from the importance of her birthday. Colin had gone out to the garage to look for something when I was distracted by the sound of someone moving about upstairs. My thoughts flew instantly to the children, one of them must be ill and I ran up the stairs only to collide with Kathie at the top.

Oh it’s you, I said in shock.
Goodness, a girl can’t even go to the bathroom in peace in the middle of the night, she grinned.
I thought you were one of the children you were making that much noise.
I tripped over my dressing gown.
I suppressed a giggle. Were you always so quiet sneaking about the school at all hours of the night? I expected a giggle in return, a witty retort but not for her to burst into tears. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I faltered, wrapping my arms around her.
No, I know, she replied with a gulp, eventually pulling away from me. I’m going to the bathroom. Then can we talk?

I sent Colin to bed, what little we had left to do could wait until the morning. I then headed to the kitchen to heat up some milk to make cocoa. We curled up together on the settee clutching our mugs.

It reminds me a little of being back at school, I remarked. Except…
…there were more of us.
Exactly, I sighed. What’s the matter?
Little things of no great consequence. I just… I miss her so much. Sometimes I miss her less and others… you reminded me when you mentioned sneaking about the school at night to see her. I miss having her to wake up to; I’ve never liked sleeping alone. I think it was the nights I missed the most last term. It never mattered how little time we had during the day, just knowing that we had the night made it better.
What about the whispers, I asked suddenly.
I don’t know. Like I said, I have my suspicions. They were mostly speculative – there still weren’t that many people who knew about Nancy and I, only those we trusted. Now I think about it, I’m sure they started after the disastrous dinner party at Freudesheim.
You never…
Oh it wasn’t a major disaster in the scheme of things – but you know what Jo was like about matchmaking for Nancy and I. There was a visiting doctor there who kept trying it on with me – I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t interested but he wasn’t very good at taking hints. He didn’t do anything; he didn’t get the chance to but I suppose he must have mentioned it to someone and things escalated a little. If Nancy had been here we’d have laughed about it together and nothing more would have been said. But she wasn’t and it got a bit out of hand. There were a few who suddenly seemed very much against me. I never thought I could hate the Chalet School. I mean, I don’t but I am glad to be away from there. I feel like I’ve been in a cage for so long and, well… I suppose I’m a little scared of the freedom.
It’s only natural, I said, gulping down the last of my cocoa. But you’ve always been one to take the road less travelled. And I’m always here for you.
I know. And I’m not sure what I’d do without you.

 


#5:  Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:00 am


New post! *collapses in a heap*

Kathie stayed for most of January and, by the time she left for the Cotswolds, a neat pile of papers on my desk declared a finished manuscript of Anna’s War. I posted the parcel with shaking hands to Professor Stewart and wondered when I would hear from him. It was an odd feeling completing the story that I had been carrying with me since I had first met Anna and she had told me about her war. There were still too many unanswered questions that we both wanted to be answered, questions that we weren’t sure would ever be answered. If nothing else, I hoped that she would feel able to show it to Sara to try and explain to her. I wondered how a nine year old would understand what had happened to her mother. Probably more than I gave her credit for.

I felt wary about seeing Kathie off on her own, but she was quite adamant that there were things that she needed to do. I knew that it would do no good to try and wrap her in cotton wool, but I couldn’t help worrying as though she were no older than the children. She promised to let us know if she wanted anything and we arranged to meet at Lucy’s once her baby had arrived.

Even though it felt strange to have finished Anna’s War after so long, it was nice to be able to devote my full attention to the children. It meant that they didn’t miss having Kathie around as much as they would have done otherwise. With Alice and Luke both at school I had my hands more than occupied by the twins who were learning new things every day and their exploratory skills were second to none. Amelia was a little prone to tantrums, usually in frustration at not being able to do something which would be compounded by Sophie chuckling at her. Luke had occasionally been drawn to throwing tantrums but he had got over it sooner rather than later and I only hoped that it would be the same for Amelia.

Alice, at six, reminded me a lot of myself as a child. Her class teacher commented on the fact that she was quick to pick up things and had an insatiable enthusiasm to learn. She always wanted to know just that little bit more than her class mates. She was an avid reader, quickly devouring her own books and working her way steadily through the library’s selection. Colin and I had realised that we would have to think very carefully about her future education.

Hannah Catherine Lennox arrived on Wednesday 7 February 1968 we were informed an hour after her arrival. I got the distinct impression that Christian could have waxed lyrical for hours had his money not run out on the pay phone or the fact that he had several other people to tell. I decided to couple my visit with one to Lawrie, Samantha and Louisa, having not seen them for considerably longer than I liked. Lucy looked tired and a little overwhelmed by motherhood. She admitted that she was finding it difficult sometimes but she was sure that she would get through it. Christian, who had been so wary of parenthood, was completely besotted with Hannah and it was easy to see why.

 


#6:  Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:00 am


New post! *collapses in a heap*

Kathie stayed for most of January and, by the time she left for the Cotswolds, a neat pile of papers on my desk declared a finished manuscript of Anna’s War. I posted the parcel with shaking hands to Professor Stewart and wondered when I would hear from him. It was an odd feeling completing the story that I had been carrying with me since I had first met Anna and she had told me about her war. There were still too many unanswered questions that we both wanted to be answered, questions that we weren’t sure would ever be answered. If nothing else, I hoped that she would feel able to show it to Sara to try and explain to her. I wondered how a nine year old would understand what had happened to her mother. Probably more than I gave her credit for.

I felt wary about seeing Kathie off on her own, but she was quite adamant that there were things that she needed to do. I knew that it would do no good to try and wrap her in cotton wool, but I couldn’t help worrying as though she were no older than the children. She promised to let us know if she wanted anything and we arranged to meet at Lucy’s once her baby had arrived.

Even though it felt strange to have finished Anna’s War after so long, it was nice to be able to devote my full attention to the children. It meant that they didn’t miss having Kathie around as much as they would have done otherwise. With Alice and Luke both at school I had my hands more than occupied by the twins who were learning new things every day and their exploratory skills were second to none. Amelia was a little prone to tantrums, usually in frustration at not being able to do something which would be compounded by Sophie chuckling at her. Luke had occasionally been drawn to throwing tantrums but he had got over it sooner rather than later and I only hoped that it would be the same for Amelia.

Alice, at six, reminded me a lot of myself as a child. Her class teacher commented on the fact that she was quick to pick up things and had an insatiable enthusiasm to learn. She always wanted to know just that little bit more than her class mates. She was an avid reader, quickly devouring her own books and working her way steadily through the library’s selection. Colin and I had realised that we would have to think very carefully about her future education.

Hannah Catherine Lennox arrived on Wednesday 7 February 1968 we were informed an hour after her arrival. I got the distinct impression that Christian could have waxed lyrical for hours had his money not run out on the pay phone or the fact that he had several other people to tell. I decided to couple my visit with one to Lawrie, Samantha and Louisa, having not seen them for considerably longer than I liked. Lucy looked tired and a little overwhelmed by motherhood. She admitted that she was finding it difficult sometimes but she was sure that she would get through it. Christian, who had been so wary of parenthood, was completely besotted with Hannah and it was easy to see why.

 


#7:  Author: AliceLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:23 am


Thank you Pim, lovely to see a new post.

 


#8:  Author: Karry PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:49 am


Thanks Pim - at least you didn't have to type up the two mamoth posts again!

 


#9:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:50 am


Thanks Pim, nice calm post......now worried!

 


#10:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:21 am


Thanks Pim, for reposting and for the new bit!

Yes it was peaceful, wasn't it? Hmmmm...

 


#11:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:43 am


Lovely - thank you Pim.

Unlike the rest of this cynical lot I see no reason to be worried. (Quoth she bravely hoping it will keep G*****a at bay)

 


#12:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:35 pm


Awwwww - luffly Very Happy

Thanks, Pim

 


#13:  Author: AlexLocation: Cambs, UK PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:46 pm


I think Georgia is busy with the Hacker.

 


#14:  Author: RóisínLocation: Gaillimh, Eire PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 5:45 pm


Thank you Pim!

 


#15:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 7:46 pm


Thank you Pim!! And YAY for Sharlie finishing 'Anna's War' at last!!!

 


#16:  Author: pimLocation: Hemel Hempstead PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:39 am


G, bless her, is slightly steaming that me reposting it all on my lonesome meant that she doesn't get credit for the bits she "helped" with... *smirks*

Having seen Kathie at Lucy’s, I knew that I could worry a little less about her. She admitted that she still found it hard to be at her Aunt and Uncle’s house but at the same time it was doing her good to get things in order there. She had laid assorted plans to visit old friends and said that she would be back to visit some time in March. She intended to go and stay with Hetty in London come April to try and find some supply teaching whilst looking for a new post to start in the autumn.

Professor Stewart returned my manuscript at the beginning of March having read it and shown it to a few colleagues. He had marked places he felt needed editing and rewriting. It seemed such a lot to being with but, on closer examination, I began to see his logic and lines of thinking and so I set to work once more, trying to juggle my time so as not to neglect the children or Colin, forever searching for those mythical extra hours in the day which always eluded me.

Kathie whirled through our lives for a week at the end of March, full of optimism and talk of the future. She said that she had had a carthatic time at her Aunt and Uncle’s house and had found the time to lay some old ghosts to rest. There was still a sadness when she spoke of Nancy and I knew that there would never be anyone else who even came close to her for Kathie. At the end of the week she headed for London with a smile and a wave, and a promise to return in the summer.

Caroline and Lewis’ first baby, Philip Stephen, joined the family in April and a few days later David and Louise announced that their fourth was due in December. Anyone could see how they doted on their daughters, Jessica, Clover and Niamh, but David freely admitted that he would quite like a son this time. Caroline, on the other hand, was more than wary of parenthood. She had never known her own parents – Aunt Carol having died when she was born and Uncle Charlie having never recovered from the war before he died.

I had finished the edits and amendments to the manuscript of Anna’s War by the end of May and returned them to Professor Stewart. Remembering how often we had had to make changes to the books that I had worked on with him I knew that this would be a long drawn out process and settled myself in for the long haul, knowing that I would get there in the end. I had only told Anna that I had completed the manuscript but she said she wouldn’t read it until it was complete.

Colin and I decided that we needed a holiday as a family and we took off to the Lake District for ten days as soon as Alice and Luke broke up from school for the summer holidays. We had both left our work behind at home to allow us to take advantage of our time together with the children. Staying isolated in the middle of nowhere helped put things back in perspective. It was warm enough to sit out in the evenings, so Colin and I would often sit in the garden once the children were in bed, waiting for the sun to set and talking over our shared years on the planet and wondering what the future would bring for us all.

 


#17:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 10:51 am


Thanks Pim, glad that Kathie seems to be coming to terms with her losses - h