Rachel tests the chalet school
The CBB -> Starting again at Sarres...
#1: Rachel tests the chalet school Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:08 pm

Not a new post, merely just to say that if anyone was reading from the water fight on (as far as I can tell) "Rachel, the second part of term" does not appear to have been archived.

I *have* got it on word, but I think that the earliest I'll be able to repost will be sunday - I might have some of it on a memory stick, which I know I've brought home, so I'll go and check, but I've no idea if I've got the last few posts worth - I can't remember whether or not I added to it since September, nor if I have saved any of that to said Memory stick Embarassed - admittedly I've been murmuring about replacing said item, as it's been acting funny, but havn't sorted that one out yet.

Anyway this post was just to let anyone who was reading on "Rachel" what I can and will do about what has dissapeared. All of the earlier stuff is in the archives as far as I can tell, but if anyone wants to e-mail me I can send them the document itself over (before sunday as long as I locate the memory stick) If I can't then it wil be after!

You never know, I might actually start to write again - or I may make you wait until I am officially finished with this year.

Ok, not new stuff, and I'm not sure how many of them I'll get on per post - I've more than 100 pages of a word doc to put up I think...

Chapter – after the inspection

Once all the bother of the inspection was finished with the prefects felt it might be advisable to keep a close eye on the middles. The teaching staff were not so worried as they knew that the Head was going to be making an announcement that would hold the girls from any sin that might cross their minds – it was to be half term soon.

When they had their usual assembly after prayers, this information was imparted to them. Hilda stood up and spoke, Nell, thinking back, remembered the first time she had spoken to the assembled girls.

There had been changes in both her appearance and her voice in that time. None of it made her any the less beautiful in the sight of Nell, and her voice still reached out to the end of the hall without her straining it – though she might be found sucking a boiled sweet of some description afterwards now.

“I know that you have all heard about how well we have done in the inspection.” She laughed at the response she got from the girls. “All right everyone, I know you are pleased, but there is more news for you.” They quietened down immediately. “We, that is the mistresses and other staff, have been busy organizing things other than the inspection you know.” There was an expectant hush in the room as the girls waited for what was coming.

“I don’t know if any of you have had much time for thinking about the normal happenings of term while everything else has been going on. However, the staff have been keeping a close eye on everything just now, and it is now time to remind you that it is half term next week.” If possible, the noise the girls made at this information was even louder than it had been at the previous announcement.

Hilda let it continue for a short time before raising her hand. The girls, who had either become used to this signal through guiding or from example hushed immediately. “Thank you. I have one or two further things to say to you.”

When she felt she had teased them enough with her silence she went on. “While I know that you are all very excited by all that has happened recently, the usual rules apply – that is, if anyone does not work properly in school, or if anyone misbehaves, they shall not be going.

“Letters informing parents of the plans have now gone off, and those of you who are going home should know by now.”

She stopped at them, and smiled at them. They waited, wondering what could possibly be coming that would bring a smile like this to her face.

“And now, as an extra way for you to let off steam, tomorrow, if the weather is as lovely as it is today, we will be arranging a water fight.” She smiled to herself at the gasps of surprise which came at this last announcement. This was something new for the school. The staff had put their heads together the evening before to see if they could work out something to help them all calm down again.

Mdlle Desmoines had sighed and said that in a way it was a pity that it was not winter, as they could have perhaps arranged something like a snow fight. This had caused a minor hubbub as to how it might be organized with so many people in it.
While the rest were caught up in this Tamara had suddenly exclaimed. “Not a snow fight, we couldn’t arrange for that, but what about a water fight.”

When she was reminded that the same bother as to how to arrange it for so many people she thought for a while, encouraging the others to bounce other ideas about. What she had eventually come up with had been greeted with acclaim and all other ideas were abandoned in favour of this.

“It will take place in the afternoon, and of course you will need to change into suitable clothing. Lessons will be cancelled of course, but you will have plenty of time to catch up with it in the winter time.” Then she had added the icing to the cake “The staff will also be joining in” the stunned girls cheered at that and she smiled at them before holding up her hand to quiet them again she finished with “That will be all thank you.”

With that the school rose as the mistresses left the platform and a march was played while the girls streamed out to their common rooms.


Chapter – the water fight.

The next day all of the girls got dressed in shorts and t-shirts for the water fight. This new apparel was another change since the heads had joined the school, and was something else which made them realize just how long they had been teaching.

As they gathered outside the girls were chattering and laughing, and Rachel could be found standing next to Tamara and Len, looking rather pale, but quite determined that she was going to be part of the fun.

Soon they were banded into several different teams, each with one of the younger mistresses at its head. Rachel was with Len’s team, and that lady gave her a job at once. She was chief water gatherer, and had to have water on tap to supply to the rest.

Each girl had an inexpensive water gun, and there were many water balloons which some of the girls were occupied with filling. Each team had a ration of these, but if a ‘forager’ came close enough to an unsuspecting person who was in charge of their team’s water supply they could both capture the person, and take a portion of the supplies that they were filling.

There were also hidden stashes of equipment hidden in the grounds by Joey and the other mistresses who were not taking part in the game. They were going to look on, and had given warnings about what would happen to any girl or mistress who caused them to get wet. Rachel was the only one who took this any way seriously – though Tamara had been reminded about the propensity of the others to joke on occasions like this by Len.

Some of the stashes were actually big super soakers which the team could use until the water ran out, and then they had to return to one of the mistresses who were just looking on. She would fill it up and then hide it somewhere different – and the girls were on their honour not to follow her until it was hidden.

They were out there for around 2 hours and of course it was impossible to work out which team won – they all finished about equal.

Tan was one of the first out, which was just as well as she admitted. She was rather tired by this stage and was greatly relieved to go off and get a hot bath before putting on dry clothing.

Rachel stayed pretty dry for most of the time out, but she was captured about half way through the game and went off to join Tan where she found that Joanne and Vicki were also out of the game and were indoors watching the fun with the rest who had been captured.

Sally was one of the only people from their year who managed to stay out the whole time, and she was especially proud of the fact that she had managed to get both the head girl and second prefect out.

They were playing on opposing teams and had been watching out for each other as the most dangerous people to watch for, and hadn’t even taken their juniors into consideration. She would have also tried for the games prefect, but Tamara had managed to deal with her before Sally got round to it. And as for the other prefects, they simply were not worth bothering with in Sally’s estimation. She decided her next ambition was to be the first one to get Matron Lloyd soaked and she knew exactly how she was going to do that.

Len had of course been the first one to soak any of the ‘non-participants’ and she had been the lucky recipient of a full bucket of water which was thrown at her. The rest learned by her complete soaking and tried to get the rest of them from angels where they would not be soaked through to their underclothing.

Tamara had then made an attempt on Hilda and had managed to surprise her completely by pouring her own bucket of water over her. Hilda reflected ruefully as she trudged in to dry off that Nell really would rib her about that one.

It was Mdlle Louis who managed to get Nell herself wet, sacrificing herself to the good of the cause as she knew that there would be no way for her to copy Tamara’s trick. What she didn’t know was that ‘Bill’ had not been as vigilant as usual, and Rosa – the head girl had filched it while she was laughing at Hilda’s misfortune, and was preparing to use it on Kathy Ferrars.

That lady was so surprised at being soaked by a bucket of water, having not seen Hilda being ‘got’ that she picked up her own and threw it at Nancy, the only other stand out who would have been likely to aim for Kathy. So her surprise when Nancy immediately covered her in return was paramount. In the end she was the only person who got soaked through twice in the space of a few minutes.

Frau Ackart teamed up with Felicity Maynard who had not married and who had come to visit her friends on the plaz for a few days in the aftermath of the press attack and inspection, and who had wickedly grinned when she agreed to join in this game.

She had been a long term friend of Gretchen’s and they had agreed that if they could get on the same team – something that was easily managed since Gretchen was a team leader and Felicity was not – or even if they didn’t, they would work together to catch Rosalie out.

It worked out beautifully, with Con finding one of the super soakers making as if to ‘get’ Rosalie with it. Gretchen came from behind her with the school’s hose which she had illegally purloined for the purpose. On feeling that icy deluge of water come over her Rosalie jumped and practically emptied her water bucket over herself.

Grinning to herself Rosalie jumped up again and ran squeltchily over to where Gretchen, who had by this point abandoned the hose, was standing and hugged her, before pulling out her sodden handkerchief and wringing it out over the head of the younger mistress.

Con didn’t get let off either, as Rosalie found she had a little of her water left in her bucked and she proceeded to empty it over her head. Con didn’t even try to run or get her with the soaker – she was just too wet to notice it.

Sally had seen most of these attacks if not all of them, and she thought carefully about how she could attack matron without being caught herself. She didn’t want to soak Matron as much as the others had done to the rest of the mistresses. She was a brave girl, but to attack Matron like that was beyond even her impudence.

She might have gone for one of the other mistresses, but Matron was the only person left bone dry and that couldn’t be allowed. Quickly the girl filled up several water balloons and went looking for her target.

She soon found her, but in a position which was of no use at all. Sally had hoped to be able to throw the balloons at something above her head, such as a tree, or a wall. Matron wasn’t being as helpful as all that though – she was standing in the middle of a field like garden with nothing anyone could hide behind – she looked like she might be trying to use the non-existent eyes in the back of her head. There were very few people around her as they were concentrating on getting their friends.

Suddenly she was wet as someone else got her from behind. She turned round and started to retaliate, and hoped she would find Matron in a more suitable place.

It took some doing, but eventually she found that lady talking to another pupil who had been sent to her for a check over before going indoors. At that point they were standing next to the house with the eaves just next to them, and sally took careful aim and hit the balloon so it burst just over Matron’s head.

It appeared that Matron was so surprised at getting wet that she didn’t go for her bucket of water as quickly as all that. Looking round for her attacker she passed over Sally quite quickly as she searched for one of the members of staff. She quickly realized her mistake and made after the rapidly escaping Sally. Having caught up with her she got up behind her, and pulling off the lid she had attached to her bucket earlier on, she emptied the contents over Sally’s head.

Just then the whistle rang out for the end of the game, and the combatants who were still in the game headed back to the chalet to have a quick hot bath before getting ready for Abendessen.

They trouped off chattering amicably, and the domestic tyrant of the school shared a smile with Sally before following the rest of her charges into the house.

With that, even the prefects agreed that the fourth formers should not be likely to cause them any more bother before half term.

Chapter? – Half term trip


The next thing which happened was half term. Joanne and co had been wildly excited to find that this time they were to start in St Moritz-Bad for a few days, visiting the Dorf end while they were there, before heading to Zermatt in Valais. This information had not meant much to Rachel, but she had told them that it was hard for her to get excited about going anywhere without knowing anything about it.

Sally went for the big book on Swiss canton’s and looked out the picture of the Matterhorn. “Look Rachel, this is the best way I can explain why we are so excited at going to Zermatt. Look at her. She is the best part of the scenery in Zermatt. I can’t tell you how close we will get to her, but if we had the right weather I’d love to ski on her!”

Then Joanne chipped in “I doubt we will manage that Sally” And then she turned the conversation a little further “St Moritz is a lovely place as well Rachel, for the most part anyhow.”

Rachel understood at least a little about what they were getting at. The mountain was indeed lovely.

They were even more pleased when the mistresses told them that the journey from St Moritz to Zermatt would be using the Glacier express. It was a long journey, and expensive, but it would give them some stunning views.

The staff had taken over a small Chalet in each place for the girls to stay in, and as they were slightly older than the middles, and could be trusted a reasonable extent they were allotted groups to stay in the apartments in.


The number of girls per apartment depended on the size – one of them was for one person, another held up to six at a time. “We shall be within walking distance of the village of Zermatt, and the station which leads to the Matterhorn expeditions” Miss Darleigh told them while they were travelling to St Moritz.

“Not that we will be doing anything other than looking at it” Mrs Entwhistle put in quickly. “We couldn’t take anyone up it. No one is experienced enough a climber. “And I wouldn’t like to attempt it if it’s snowing either” Miss Darleigh put in.

Kathy Ferrars, who had asked if she could tag on to their party, in the knowledge that with Nancy and co retiring she would have to get to know many of her juniors quite a bit better than she did already, agreed with this statement.

After looking around their first destination a little the girls worked out a programme for their first few days. There would be no sight seeing on Sunday, they were all too tired, after their long journey, and barring church they would be taking life easily.

Rachel looked around her in disgust. “I thought you said Swiss houses were pretty. I can see something of it of course, but what about those awful block buildings?” she remarked in an undertone.

Joanne smiled at her, “I guess that even the prettiest of places has some buildings which are less attractive than others” she responded quietly, “Anyhow, there are plenty of prettier things about the place.”

They were settled in the lakeside area, very close to the entrance, and more or less next to the Olympic jump which was built in 1926. The mistresses were pleased that it was closed most of the year, but some of the sporty girls, such as Sally, spent a fair amount of time there.

They had plans over the next 2 days to try and visit 3 of the different sights which the staff thought would be of interest to the girls. These were the Mili Weber House, the Slanting tower, and Heidi’s hut.

The greater majority of these were on the hillside, in St Moritz-Dorf. Miss Ferrars was outlining how they were going to make their trip to the Mili Weber house on Monday morning when Rachel decided, quite unintentionally, to give the others a shock.

Kathie was saying “We leave and walk to the bus station then we have to catch the bus to Dorf, it won’t take that long, but with the weather we have been having recently I think it’s a bit safer all round if we use public transport rather than walking!”

A few minutes later Rachel suddenly asked. “May I be excused from this trip please?” The girls all looked up in astonishment; this trip was one they had been waiting for. “Why do you want to miss it out Rachel?” The question came from Tamara Darleigh who was standing behind her.

“Well, she just said we have to catch a bus. I’d be sorry for my poor hands doing that, if I wasn’t squashed altogether!” She told the mistress, a funny glint in her eye. The girls looked at her blankly until Tamara responded with “And I’d be sorry for the one throwing it!”

At that the others laughed, and they joined in knowing that their little bit of fun had come together nicely.

A few minutes later Sally turned to Rachel and said. “I really don’t get how you pair understand each other so well. You only met just over a month ago, and yet you get on as if you have known each other all your lives. How come?”

Rachel responded without thinking. “Oh that’s easy, she’s like me!” The other girls looked up at this, each one knowing what she was referring to. Suddenly she gasped. “Oh I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry Miss Darleigh.” She looked very upset, and Tamara hastened to reassure her.

“It’s alright Rachel, no harm done this time.” She spoke lightly, never letting anyone suspect her fears as to what this revelation might mean for her relationship with Sally, for she was aware that this new reform had only gone so deep and a mistress with the disorder was rather different to a playmate having it.

A few minutes later when they had managed to withdraw from the other girls for a minute she continued. “Rachel, you are going to have to think before you speak though. It’s something which you will need to be able to do as an adult. Think about it ok?” Rachel was standing as close to the mistress as she possibly could at this time, but having been given this challenge she agreed that she would try. Then, having received a reassuring squeeze to the shoulders she slipped off to her room to try and recover her equilibrium again.

It took her a good few minutes to do this, and she was only just coming to terms with what she had done, and what the mistress had said when Joanne banged on her door and told her they were about to leave.

“I think I might just stay here” Rachel told her. “Why on earth?” Gasped Joanne “I know that you were only having a laugh earlier on, and you were looking forwards to the trip. Come on Rach, what’s the matter?”

Rachel laughed shakily “I guess I’m not yet used to making silly mistakes. I shouldn’t have said what I did. It’s none of my business.”

Joanne looked at her seriously. How was she supposed to respond to this one? “Rachel, I know that you will be upset about it, anyone would be. I know you are probably feeling worse about it – you couldn’t tell me that with the way you get stressed out, this hasn’t affected your stress levels. Well, you could, but I wouldn’t believe you!”

She stopped, and decided to go on a little bit more gently. “Honey, you can react in this in the same way you have to every other stressor. I can see how it helps you to hide away for a bit. Did you ever think though, about how much you would miss if you did?

“I don’t know that our crowd will ever come here again. I know we haven’t repeated any of our other expeditions, and this is possibly the only opportunity you will have to go to the house, to see the tower, or to visit the hut.”

Then as Rachel still seemed hesitant, “Come on Rach, if you stay behind not only will Sally, Tan and the rest of our crowd miss you, but Miss Darleigh or Mrs Entwistle will have to stay behind with you and that would spoil it for them and for the rest. Please.”

Sighing Rachel agreed that she would come, and knowing that it wouldn’t do to do it half heartedly she managed to cover up the way she was feeling and look like she was enjoying life.


Chapter – the "Heidihütte"

The trips around St Moritz came off well. Rachel had enjoyed it all as much as everyone else, apart from the time when they had congregated in the little hut where Heidi had been filmed. It was found half way along the Schellenursli Trail, and the party had ended up sheltering in it for a few hours when there was some unexpected heavy rain.

Len and Kathie had shared a glance and laughed before commenting that it was good to have some weather that was unlikely to keep them trapped for longer than a few hours. There had of course been some singing while they were there, but when this died down chatter arose in its place.

Rachel had been finding the rather cramped conditions hard enough to deal with anyway. With this added noise, which was made all the louder for the absence of any floor covering, she decided that even the torrential rain was by far preferable, and moving quietly she managed to reach the door before anyone else noticed what she was doing.

Tamara was particularly engrossed in what she was doing on this occasion, for she was finding the noisy situation difficult to deal with, and she was doing her best to keep herself distracted from it.

It was Kathie who looked up as the door opened and a cooling breeze came into the hut. Len was engaged with keeping the nerves of some of the other girls cool, as some were prone to be excitable, and someone had suggested that they might end up staying in the hut over night.

Kathie was not able to get up as quickly as she might have done because Sally had been lying against her, and as she rose she felt her skirt tug from beneath her. It would only have been a matter of getting the girl to move, if she had not now fallen asleep. Sally had been the instigator of a prank the night before which had had her and one or two of the others up rather later than was good for any of them.

While she was struggling and getting Joanne to help her free herself, Rachel was making headway. It would be wrong to say that she didn’t notice the downpour – it didn’t bother her. In fact, it gave her rather more energy than she had had previously and she walked along at an astonishing rate.

It was not as safe a trip as it could have been, as the path was slippery, but it was safe enough, as this was a walk which was thought to be suitable for children. Thus thought Kathie as she steadily followed the girl, well wrapped up in her waterproof, and bearing the girl’s which she had left behind her in her instinct to get out.

Eventually Rachel spotted a place where she could shelter from the worst of the rain. She had finally come to her senses and was beginning to panic about what the mistresses would say about her walking off like that. She knew it was something which she shouldn’t have done, and she was rather nervous about how they would react to her disappearing in such weather.

As she sheltered she also began to feel rather cold. She shivered, she loved walking in that kind of rain because of the energy it provided her, but she had forgotten that she usually had a hot bath when she got home again. She wasn’t home just now, and she would have to wait until they got there before she could change. She began to realise just how silly she had been.

Just as she was beginning to get upset, she saw a familiar figure striding past her chosen refuge. She sprang out of it with a cry “Miss Ferrars!” Kathie looked round in relief. “Why there you are Rachel. How cold you must be, come with me and we shall get you out of those wet things at once.” Kathie was quick enough to see how miserable the girl was looking and decided to lay aside the needed retribution for the time being.

Kathie had told Len just before she left that she would take the girl to the hotel where she could have a hot bath, and her clothing could be dried for her while she did so. Of course, clothes taking a lot longer than people to dry she would also have a relatively lengthy time of incarceration while that dried.

Kathie was going to suggest that she take the chance for a nap, there being little else she could do with herself. The others would go on to their next excursion, and the three mistresses could talk to Rachel when they were all back at the chalet. And this, barring one or two minor chances, such as Rachel’s filching one of the hotel’s books for reading on the grounds that if she slept then she wouldn’t sleep at night, was what happened.

Chapter – Rachel versus the staff!

The Kathie, Len and Tamara were rather sorry when the time came for them to talk to Rachel. Tamara especially felt that she had had excuse for her action, and while she knew that the girl would have to be told about it, she regretted that this was the case. Len and Kathie being rather more experienced and having faced other pupils in this position were less moved.

“No” Kathie said firmly when Tamara mentioned something about it to her, “I know that she did have some excuse, but there was plenty of other things she could have done about it. I know all about the stress factor Tamara, don’t get me wrong on that, but she could have hurt herself badly, and she is a liability on expeditions if she is just going to wander off like that. She is lucky that we cannot send her back to the school, because if we could I would be strongly tempted to do that.

“She has to learn, What if she were to wander off the glacier express while it was at one of the stations? That is going to be very crowded as well you know.”

By the time Rachel arrived, Tamara had got herself under control, and though she couldn’t help but feel sorry for the poor kiddy, she was able to uphold her part in the interview with dignity.

Kathie started it. “Well then Rachel, tell us your reasoning for creating that disturbance earlier on today.”

Upset as Rachel was, she was able to explain herself well. “I’m sorry now of course, I didn’t think about how worried you would be, nor how silly it was of me to go.” She stopped, and the severity on the mistresses’ faces relaxed a little. “Go on” Kathie commented, rather more gently.

“It was the noise level” Rachel burst out. “It was too loud for me and I just couldn’t cope with it. I had to get out of it.” She was talking rather wildly, and the emphasis on the word ‘had’ was exceptionally strong. Here Len created a diversion.

“Oh, Rachel, I don’t think that you had to.” Rachel looked up at her, wondering what was coming. “You could have spoken to one of us and we would have got the girls to quieten down. I accept that the situation was intolerable, but running away from it wasn’t the right thing to be doing.”

Then Kathie joined in again. “Of course, you do know that I cannot take you on any more expeditions.” Rachel looked up at that. “What?” She asked, stunned. “Well how can I? Not only do you make a nuisance of yourself, but you talk about it as if it is the most natural thing in the world and make it clear that in another, similar situation you would do the same.”

Kathie spoke gently although the words were harsh, not that this made much difference to Rachel who had been on the verge of tears from the start of this interview. Despite all her efforts to stop them they began to fall.

Feeling that it was the best way to avoid drawing attention to them, as she had grown up in the school that you didn’t cry, she just let them fall without doing anything about it. “I’ll just pretend they are not there” she thought to herself. When she spoke however it was with a vehemence which spoke of a turmoil she hadn’t even realized existed within her at that moment.

“OH none of you understand!” This was where Tamara came in. “Oh don’t we now. Can you tell me Rachel, what was I doing while we were in the hut?” Rachel looked at her, and when she spoke again it was rather more quietly. “You were reading Tamara” The question had taken quite a lot of the wind out of her sails.

“Yes, I was reading” the mistress returned just as quietly, ignoring the shocked sounds coming from Kathie and Len at Rachel’s use of her Christian name. “Now, why would I be reading while the other mistresses were dealing with the other girls? I’m sure there was plenty to do!” Rachel looked thoughtful at this. “You mean that you were bothered by the noise levels as well?”

Tamara looked straight at her and spoke gently this time. “Rachel, I was so bothered by it that I couldn’t even loose myself in my job. Normally I can do so, but on this occasion I just couldn’t. I turned to a book as being the only way for me to cope with it.” She laughed after this admission, this opening up of things she hadn’t said to anyone before, and continued, “Indeed, I must have been badly affected, because I didn’t even think that you might have a problem with it. And it was something I knew to watch for.”

The other mistresses were looking at her sharply after this frank revelation. They had received another insight into Tamara which they knew they would not have got but for them all being present at this disciplinary meeting, and Len decided that she was going to have it out with Tamara when she next got the chance.

That being the case, they talked to Rachel a bit further, and told her that her punishment would be to always have a mistress with her, indoors or not, apart from bedtime, and that when they got back to school Miss Darleigh would be taking time out of her free time to go over some coping strategies.

Tamara had already decided to get Rachel to copy them out as an aid to her memory, as some of them would be repeats of ones she had given to her in other scenarios. When she had gone the other two mistresses turned to look at Tamara.

“Now Tamara” Kathie said with a warning note in her voice, “Tell us why you kept the reason for your reading at times like that to yourself? Your needs are just as important as those of the pupils in that kind of scenario!”

Tamara gulped, and seeing no way out, for Len looked ready to hold her down by force if she tried to escape from the room, she thought desperately for some words which would distract them.

Chapter – 2 against 1

As she knew there was nothing else she could do about it, Tamara faced her questioners. Inwardly she was telling herself off for letting so much out, but she knew that there had been no other option. Len decided to try and take some of the strain out of the atmosphere to see if that would make things easier for Tamara.

“Tamara, you know that we are not telling you off, though it might seem like it. We are concerned that you don’t seem to have trusted us. We care about you, and we feel that there is something we could have done which we didn’t because we didn’t know about it.”

Tamara looked at them. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust them; it was just that there were things she just got on with. It hadn’t occurred to her that she should tell them about this difficulty. She laughed, her mind going back to her time at the uni. They had come across this problem there.

June had found out about one or two things which horrified her in the way others reacted to Tamara, and it wasn’t even Tamara herself who had told her about them. Tamara looked at it as part of life and hadn’t thought about mentioning it.

Len was immediately on to her. “What’s the story now then Tamara?” she asked her, feeling sure that it was something she had been reminded about that had caused this.

“I’m sorry Len” she responded. “I was just thinking about how many times I have ended up in this kind of situation with June.” Kathie looked at her. “You have been told about this in the past Tamara?”

With a sigh Tamara gave her the outline of her thoughts, before going on to say, “The thing is that I count less than pleasant things as part of a day’s work. It hurts, but it just wouldn’t occur to me to tell anyone about it.

“I think about the situation of course, more so if a person has been partly responsible for it, but if they have, my thoughts will be along the lines to help me cope with the situation, giving vindication to the person in general, though not in particular. And that is hardly going to lead to my purposefully telling someone!

“It sometimes comes out in conversation, though not normally in the way it did today. So please don’t tell me you think I don’t trust you, of course I trust you. When things get bad enough that they are not counted as part of the day’s work then I will come and tell you – though generally I find that it is only the knowledge of what you will say if I have not sought the support I’ve needed that brings me to it!”

She laughed again, but this time there was rather more of stress or strain in the laughter, and Kathie thanked her and left the room. There was no point in making the girl feel that it was being strung out, and though she would have liked to have done something to make sure that Tamara did not feel that her presence meant judgement. That would come in time, she decided, at the moment she was too stressed for anything to be done about it. That being the case she left the young mistress in Len’s capable hands.

Chapter – Len and Kathie

That evening Len and Kathie met up to talk about what had been said earlier on. They both felt this to be a very serious matter, and they didn’t quite know how they could tackle it. “She feels that being so stressed out she couldn’t concentrate on her work was all ‘part of the day’s work’. I don’t understand the way her mind works!” Thus Kathie as they met up with each other.

“Yes” Len agreed, “And she seems to recon that when it reaches the stage of being too much she will tell us that she has a problem. I wish I knew how far she let it go while she was in University so we had some guide as to how far we should let it go.”

Kathie looked at her quietly. “What I wish is that she would tell us how they responded in the university, and the way they went forwards. After all, I’m sure that they wanted her to be as independent as possible without making herself ill. I mean, she may well have been taught that something like reading is a good way to distract herself if there is nothing else to be done about it.”

Len smiled at her and looked up. “I’m sure that may well have been the case. What she needs to know now is that here we prefer it if she just mentions that something of the sort makes life difficult for her.

Kathie smiled at her gently. “I’m sure that we will be able to sort something out with her at some point. But I don’t think either of us are qualified to hunt up too many solutions without talking to her. After all, she is an adult. It’s not as if we were talking about one of our pupils. If it were Rachel, then that might be a different matter.”

Len looked at her in distress. “You know I’d forgotten that. I’ve been getting so concerned about her I’ve forgotten that she is actually an adult and a staff member. She might well resent my interfering.”

Kathie laughed at that and hugged the younger mistress gently. “Don’t even consider it Len. I have a feeling that Tamara views you in very much the same way that Hilda views Nell, or the way that Nancy and I view each other. She has said that you have more or less made her a part of your family. Now you have to realize that while she is a good few or many years younger than you are, she is not young enough to be your daughter, and she would probably hate you to treat her like that.”

She stopped and breathed a prayer for help finding the best words to say. Then she began to open up, with some degree of difficulty evident in her tones. “Len, you must know that there are 10 years between Nancy and I. Now I’m not suggesting that you will ever have the kind of relationship we do, but you do see that we couldn’t be as close as we are if we had not become equal partners to some extent.

“You have developed a friendship with Tamara, and there is a little give and take in it, or Tamara would not have had anything to give you when you were in such need. For your friendship to last, you will have to come to realize that you need Tamara just as much as she needs you.

“You are doing your best to support her, and that is great, but remember she has lived her whole life with this thing. Perhaps it was a little arrogant for us to assume that she should come to us any time there is a problem. We both need to remember that she is not a little child, but she is a highly independent young woman who may need a little support, but who, ultimately needs to be trusted to know when she needs to get that support.

“What I suggest we do is have a meeting with her; where we ask her what support she needs when, and we tell her the times we would prefer her to get support from us. For example I don’t think I’m going to change my mind on the reading on expedition’s thing. All that needed done there was to ask the girls to quieten down, which would have helped Rachel as well as Tamara.”

Len looked up at her, and there was something which showed Kathie she would have to do some thinking about this before she could accept it fully. However she still had something to add to this discussion.

“Kathie, you are right, I need to be careful to make sure that I don’t baby Tamara too much. I think it’s going to be difficult to make sure that it doesn’t go too far to the extreme.” She paused, before continuing.

“And I think that for Tamara, saying what she did to Rachel in front of us, was as hard as it was for you to tell me about you and Nancy. She seems to class her emotions in general, not only as something that is difficult for her to interpret, but as private as the way you feel about Nancy.”

Then she said something which surprised the elder mistress considerably. “You know I’ll enjoy teaching under you.” She smiled at her quietly, “I was rather worried, because there is no one quite like Auntie Hilda, but you have shown just how understanding you can be, and I think that you are the best person to take over in her stead.”

Kathie then slipped out of the room, leaving Len to her thoughts.

Chapter – the Glacier Express

When they were discussing the trip the staff had considered the decision to take the girls on the glacier express carefully. They had looked at the information available to them – Tamara gladly taking on the task of researching the trip all she could, had come up with about 16 pages of information.

The price of the journey had been the first concern. It was going to work out at about £56 per head, though they hoped to get a discount for the number of people they were taking. The Swiss travel passes offered to tourists covered the cost of this as well. They had decided that the expense of a travel pass was not worth it for the length of time they would be using it for, as it was just about double the price of the train journey.

“Ok what information have we got?” Kathie had asked – what tips have you got from other travellers Tamara?”

Tamara flicked through her first 8 pages of information to see what was held in them. “Well, there is one train per day during the winter timetable and half term falls firmly in that category. That is possibly just as well due to the numbers of visitors they get on the trains during the summer months.

“I found a page which suggested it might have been better if we could have gone in November rather than October as it was a good deal quieter. However October is better than the month before it, and I would imagine that as we are later on in the month it might be a good deal quieter then as well.”

She paused and flicked to another page quickly. “They suggest that if you travel with a friend you would prefer to have your friend facing you so that you can avoid “bumping knees with a stranger” they laughed, with the number of girls who would be going they would book up most of a carriage!

“Hmmm, apparently it’s not the trip to take if you want to avoid crowds. Is there any chance that Rachel and I would be able to slip off somewhere for a bit of quiet time if we need it?” The mistresses considered this one carefully for a while, and then shelved it.

They couldn’t do much about it now, and they didn’t want to make life harder for the school secretaries by having them book on different trains. The reason for this trip was the Glacier Express experience anyway, and when truth came down to it, the girl would have to accustom herself to crowded scenarios sooner or later.

Thinking back to that bit of the discussion now, Kathie regretted that she hadn’t taken that far more seriously than she had at the time. She had thought that Tamara wasn’t as serious about this issue as she had appeared to be, and it was only this incident with Rachel, and Tamara’s admitting how difficult she found things like this to be that had brought it to her attention again. They couldn’t do much about it now.

The meeting had gone on instead, with Tamara stating that the next suggestion was that they avoid the dining car if it was at all possible, and to go first class to avoid the crowds. The first was a precaution they had already decided to take, while the second was counted as ‘unnecessary expense’.

And as for cutting the journey, well it might be nice, and would probably be a good break, but when it came down to it, that would take up 2 of the days they were away for rather than one. “I’d rather have a bit more time in Zermatt rather than spending longer on the journey to get there” Len stated firmly. To which the others agreed.

The last comment which had sprung out at Tamara was equally useless as far as they were concerned. “It also suggests that it might be less crowded, and therefore more comfortable, if we were to go from Zermatt to St Moritz.” As they had already decided that it would be far better to start out with the longer trip across to St Moritz, and to take the train from there to Zermatt, this was something else they scratched.

“After all, I would far rather have them excited and chattering amongst themselves on the way there than grouching and tired on the way back home.” Matron had pointed out firmly when she had joined them for the pre booking discussions. “It’s going to mean early bed for the lot of you anyway without adding in that kind of journey back!” The mistresses had agreed with that and they were not making any changes that way at this stage.

Tamara then took out her extra 8 pages as well as the first lot and handed copies of them to each of her fellow mistresses. “I would suggest that you read these well” She commented. “I’ve heard what the girls are like for asking questions, and it will be one way to keep them amused for 7 and a half hours sitting on a train!”

They glanced over the information she was handing them. A lot of it was quite repetitive, for all that it would prove to be very useful as they found themselves in possession of several pages of history about the train from it’s first journey in 1930 right up to date, and even on into the future with information about the plans the officials had to make the transport even better.

Chapter – on the glacier express

Tamara had taken Rachel aside and told her that the train journey looked like being busy and that it might be a very good idea for her to stay close to one of the mistresses. Rachel, still feeling closer to her than to any of the others, asked if it would be alright if she stayed with her. Due to her exploit at the Heidihutte this decision was backed up by way of her punishment as well.

Tamara agreed with this, but told her that due to the length of the journey she might ask Len to take over for a bit. Rachel sighed but agreed to this. They were provided with packed lunches, and with some extra food for snacks they were prepared even for a 7 hour train journey.

While they were alone Tamara also took the chance to remind Rachel about her use of her Christian name. Rachel accepted the fact that she had been wrong to use it in the meeting, and Tamara didn’t say all that much about it anyway. Rachel had just used the name which had made her more comfortable.

This was another area where Rachel knew she was in the wrong, and she didn’t need disciplining, just a slight reminder that it didn’t do to call your teachers by their first name.

The packing was done quickly and they left for the station. Soon they were on the train. Rachel stayed close to Tamara, and though Joanne looked after them wistfully, she knew that this arrangement was best for Rachel. Miss Darleigh had told her that she hoped Rachel would be able to cope better with just her friends about her as time went on.

It wasn’t good for Rachel to develop a dependency on the teaching staff, but if Rachel needed something extra then it was up to the staff to provide that extra rather than the pupils, though Joanne did a good job when it became necessary for someone to support Rachel when the members of staff were not available.

Not even with the best will in the world could the staff sit in the common room. The girls had always been allowed a great deal of freedom, and both staff and pupils would resent this extra supervision. And while they could give Rachel more space, they could not countenance her being in her room the whole time. One of the reasons she was at this school was to learn how to cope with these kinds of situations, and she could not run away from the community completely.

At this moment however she was allowed to stay with the mistress, simply because this was the only way in which they could be assured she would not get left behind at one of the stations they passed through.

Seven and a half hours of train travel stretched before them. The girls were used to long journeys for the most part with the length of their trip to and from the school each term. They were soon settled in. Their carriage, which held 56, had few others in it – with their party consisting of about 26 members it was less than half full for a wonder.

The girls chatted quietly as they viewed the fantastic scenery. They passed this kind of thing each time they went to school and back again, but this was their first time on a train which went at a pace to allow them to savour what they were passing. One or two of them lapsed into silence as they went, awed by the beauty of it all.

They were glad of the serious way they studied languages at the school, for the train had a running commentary about the different places they were passing and they found that they were able to understand what was being said, even when it was not in their own language.

Joanne sat with her group surveying the passing scenery. She was accustomed to beauty spots, but this was one of the few times when she had been on a trip which was dedicated to it. She was silenced by the majesty displayed in the peaks and valleys she saw.

Kathie who happened to take a glance round was reminded of her first real hike out with the school, when Mary-Lou had saved her life. Earlier on during that trip she had seen such a panorama as this, peaks stretching before her like a never ending snowfield.

The way Kathie had felt then would have shown a similar look of absorption on her face as she could see on Joanne’s now, and it reminded her of just how much growing up the girl had done over the last term. Rachel’s need had set her thinking far more deeply about things than she had thought in the past. Her parents were going to get a shock when she next returned home.

Just then Joanne roused up for a moment. “I can’t help but feel how big God must be when I see this. These giants are no more than anthills in his sight. How small we are in comparison.”

There was a silence in the carriage as those who had heard her absorbed what she was saying. The mountains they were looking at were made by the God whose son had died upon a roman cross.

Some of her hearers may have disagreed with what she said, and they were silenced at this moment, by the simplistic faith she showed. Some of them may well have gone on to question the reasons they disagreed with her. To all of this, Joanne herself, and her friends were oblivious as they viewed the awesome scenery.



Chapter

The day wore on with few incidents of note. The girls were relatively quiet as they allowed the atmosphere to touch them, and the mistresses were pleased that they had happened to hit upon a train which was quite quiet. The normal chatter of children and tourists was far more absent than it would have been if they had taken the trip in the summer time.

However, even the awe which had descended on the party had to come to an end at some point. It started when they were going through one of the tunnels. The train was rushing on at a fair rate, and Sally was the first to notice it. “Oh, my ears are popping!” she said in surprise. “I thought that was only supposed to happen on planes.”

The mistresses smiled at her, and Len, who had happened to come prepared for this kind of thing threw her over a barley sugar. “I don’t know what Matey would say about this Sally, but suck that for a bit. It’s supposed to help.”

Of course this began the girls on having some of their snacks, and while some of them started by following Sally’s example by sucking a sweet while they were going through the tunnel – and having some extra sweets set aside for some of the others they were going to come across as the journey went on.

The mention of the tunnels had set the girls thinking and they began to ask questions, firstly about the journey, then about the history of the train. The mistresses were indeed grateful for the pages they had read over the few day’s before the holiday, and when the noise began to get a bit too much Tamara, who had brought the information with her, handed them to the girls and they read the information for themselves.

This calm handling of the situation caused the other mistresses to laugh. “What’s that for” Tamara asked them quietly. “You” Len replied. “First you request us to learn and digest the information on your fact sheet, then you bring a copy with you, and rather than spending your time telling the girls what you have learned, you hand over a copy to them. I think it’s priceless.”

Tamara chuckled with her, and then turned her attention to Rachel. She had been pretty quiet for most of the journey, spending it either looking out of the window, or reading one of her books. Now she was more or less asleep, as she was tired from all of the new experiences.

Tamara smiled at the girl, sometimes it seemed that life was so hard, at others it was easy, and then there were the times you just wanted to sleep, no matter what was going on around you.

“At least you learned about it while you were still at school” she murmured quietly, thinking about all that she would have been saved if she had known about such a thing as Aspergers Syndrome when she was younger. Then she smiled, well, that depended upon the situation of course.

Tamara had met people who had known about having this early on in life who had found life very difficult – even those at the ‘high functioning’ end of the spectrum. Then there were those who went through life without a diagnosis, and managed to cover up well.

Far more common were those who were diagnosed because of social difficulties developed at some point as they grew older. Sometimes it was in the workplace, but sometimes it was marriage difficulties which had people searching. Tamara didn’t want to think about how many families split up because of this thing going undiagnosed. There was at least a chance, if both partners were willing to work at it, when they found out about the diagnosis.

Some of Tamara’s friends at university had said that they did not plan on marrying, not because of this, but because of the extra stress which being in a relationship of that kind caused. One of them Chris, had been particularly sure about this. “It’s not that I’m saying for definite.” He had said to her one day, “After all, I don’t know what the future holds, or what God may want of me. But in as far as I can judge it’s not going to happen. I find that kind of situation too stressful, and I don’t want to put myself through it.

“I’ll be happy in a people orientated workplace, which is what I want, if I can go home at night to my own place and do what I want to do, without having to bother without other people.” That was precisely what Chris had done, after the first faltering start.

Amy had been almost the opposite. “I know I find that kind of thing stressful, but it’s something I want.” She had explained to the group one day. “I’m not quite so obsessive about it as my brother. I sometimes think he would do anything to have a girlfriend” she stated sadly. “But for me, having a partner is important, and it’s something I want, when the chance comes.”

Tamara thought that the majority of the group was uncertain about what they wanted in that way, though they were probably more leaning towards the dating side than the non dating side. She was with this majority, but she knew that the lifestyle she lived at present was not going to bring her into contact with many of the opposite sex, and she was quite happy with things being left like that for the moment.

She smiled again, other than a few complications there was very little that she could say that others who were not on the spectrum could not also say. She had once been told that everyone finds relationships of that kind stressful, so even some of that was little different as well. Though she admitted to herself that the person she was talking to at the time didn’t even know about her diagnosis, never mind what it meant for her and others.

Soon Rachel roused again and starred blankly out of the window again. Some of the time Tamara wasn’t convinced that she took anything in, but it did at least give her something to think on.

It was while Tamara was allowing her mind to drift that Rachel suddenly turned to her and asked a question which startled her.

Chapter – Rachel discusses.

“What did you ask Rachel? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you properly.” Tamara decided it would be best to make sure she had heard correctly.

“I said how do you know for certain that God is here? I look at this, and I see stunning scenery, and I don’t see God. I have grown up in a family where I have learned about God all my life, but now I have been told I have this thing called Aspergers Syndrome, and I ask how I can have something which makes every day life difficult, and yet there is still a God. There is still a God who chose to make me this way, and I don’t want it. I’ve not seen this God, I’ve never met him. How do I know He even exists?”

Rachel’s voice was getting louder, and Tamara touched her to quieten her. She knew that they would have to go into these issues with her. It needed to be done then, and in such a way that they could talk it over without disturbing any of the other passengers if it was at all possible.

She thought about how she could respond to this. “Rachel, I’m sorry that you are finding things so difficult at the moment. Of course it is hard for you. You only got the diagnosis, is it 4 months ago?” She waited and when Rachel affirmed this she continued. “Well, firstly, that is not a long time when it comes to something like this. Getting a diagnosis of this kind is very much like loosing yourself. You are the same, and yet you are so different. I was still finding it hard to deal with a year later, though I’d gone through a process up to that time.

“In some ways I still find it hard now, though I don’t tend to get the ‘why me’ feeling so often. I have come to a place where I accept it. No one is trying to say it is easy Rachel, but the first thing you need to remember is that you are not the only one with the diagnosis. You have been diagnosed far earlier on in life than I was, and in some ways that makes it easier for you.”

She stopped for a minute, and Kathie and Len waited to hear what she had to say. They were more than willing to help, but they had the feeling that Tamara was the best person to answer at least some of Rachel’s questions before they pitched in. At least she could respond from fellow feeling, while they could chip in with their common sense views later on.

“Now, on to the question about God, I think when I was your age my personal experience of God was nil, and it was just the way I had grown up which gave me my conviction that He existed. I never was one for giving up on the old things. Even now I sometimes call aunts by names I used when I was a small child.

More recently I have had what I would call experiences of God, but it started with changes I made to my life. For example I started a discipleship group shortly after I received my diagnosis, and I went into that believing that I needed God more than ever. If I needed help in coping with even the normal aspects of day to day life I needed God about 24/7.

“Sadly, I don’t always manage this, but I know of my need for him. The group I attended challenged us to spend time with Him. In your situation I would simply ask God to tell you that he is there, and then expect him to respond.

“In my quiet times I would start with a quick prayer and then I would wait. Most mornings a picture would come into my head of me, sitting on a person’s shoulder. Somehow I knew that the person was God, and he was telling me that I was His child and that He loved me.

“Rachel, I cannot tell you how you will come to know something you cannot see, touch, or feel in the normal way. One thing I do know though is that God will show you, if you ask him.”

She stopped there, feeling that she had said enough for the moment. Len and Kathie sat back as well. It was obvious that Rachel had heard enough for the moment. Perhaps they would have their time to talk with her later on, if that was what they felt God wanted them to do. And still the train moved on towards their final destination.


Chapter – the continuing journey

This incident past the girls who had also been listening to this conversation about what Tamara believed, some from pure nosiness, some because they couldn’t help it and some because they knew that at some point they may well be answering questions like these themselves, returned to their own interests. Sally brought out some cards, and having played a few games of patience invited Tan and Joanne to join her.

Joanne played one game before excusing herself, but the other 3 said that if Sally would have them they would make up numbers. Sally gladly agreed to this, leaving Joanne to slip off and think for a while. After a few minutes Len joined her. “Hey there Jo, you alright?” she asked quietly.

Joanne turned to the young mistress. Len had been her first contact from within the school, and Joanne had always felt grateful to her for smoothing the path for her to actually become a pupil. “I guess Mrs Entwhistle. I’m just thinking.”

Len wasn’t to be put off like that however, she knew that some thinking was alright, but something told her that this kind of thinking might need someone in the background to give a hand when it came down to the difficult stuff.

“Would you like to share it with me?” She asked eventually. “It might help you know.” Joanne smiled, in some ways Len was to her what Tamara was to Rachel. It was just that she didn’t get as close to Len in school. As Joanne couldn’t go home for most of her holidays, Len and her extended family often had her visit them. The summer had been split between her friends this time so she had been in England when term began.

After pausing a little Joanne decided it would be alright to tell her. “It was just hearing Rachel’s question like that. I firmly believe in God and I have experienced him, but how do I talk to someone like Rachel about him, someone who needs physical knowledge of something, for whom faith is difficult in the extreme.

“I was amazed at the way Miss Darleigh handled it. I couldn’t have done it like that. And if it wasn’t Rachel – who could come to me later on at some point, it could be anyone who has not heard the truth about Christ, or who has not believed it, an agnostic or an atheist for example. How could I explain my beliefs to them?”

Len smiled at her, as she in her turn paused and thought about what she was going to say. Then she pitched in, starting with the question of Rachel.

“I think that one thing you are going to have to accept Joanne, is the fact that Tamara is a fair amount older than you are, and therefore she knows better how to go about some of these things than you do.

“I think that she was answering Rachel out of her own experience as well. She has obviously had the same questions that Rachel has now, but she has come to a place where she can be at peace about them. She may not have vocalised those concerns, or even admitted them to herself, but she had thought the issues through and was therefore ready with an answer.

“Now, sticking with the question about Rachel, if she was to come to you, and I only say if, because we cannot be sure that she actually will, then a good place to start is by looking at the positive things. What if she had come to the school and Tamara hadn’t been here, what if she hadn’t come to the school in the first place. You could then say that God is the one who provided those good things for us.

“As to the AS itself, well, is AS all bad? I know that there are some things which are undesirable – for example the way she gets stressed. If I could find some way to eliminate her stress levels then I assure you I would do it – and for Tamara too, but while there are some things that seem to have no good bits, like the stress, most bad things have a flip-side which is good.

“I would suggest that you look for them, and have Rachel help you with that, even if it is a case of her saying that this thing is bad, start off by suggesting that this side to it could also be counted as being good, and later on ask her if she can see anything good about it. Remind her that “all things work together for good for those who love God”, and see what she says.

“you can only take it a step at a time, and I wouldn’t try anything until you have made some of my suggestions your own, by thinking about it, but I would imagine that it is through this sort of thing that you will be able to help Rachel with the most.”

Then Len decided that she had said enough, and squeezing the girls shoulder, she left the corridor where they had been standing to go back to her own table, while Joanne took a few minutes more to think through what had been said before following her example.

Last edited by Squirrel on Sun Apr 09, 2006 4:01 pm; edited 2 times in total

 

#2:  Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:49 pm

post 2

Chapter – the end of the trip

The girls had been occupied with their books and other occupations for some time when Sally, looking up from her patience cards for a moment, called out “The Matterhorn!” The others looked up for their first view of this stunning mountain which was not from a book.

“Glo-ri-ous”
“Am-ay-zing”
“Won-der-ful”
“Mir-ac-u-lous”

The epitaphs came one after the other, with that sense of awe that only natural creation can inspire. This was not done by hand of man; this was nature at its most beautiful.

At the last one, Len turned with a mischievous smile to Kathie. Neither said anything, they didn’t need to. Both knew what the other was thinking of. “Ancient history” Len murmured after a while. “Thanks” Kathie told her with a grin, “I wasn’t that much younger than you are now when that took place.”

The low tones carried enough for Tamara to look up enquiringly. “Tell you later”. Len said with a grin. Kathie decided that now would be a good time to tease Len a little more by saying. “You could also tell her what happened the last time I came here with you!” At which Len laughed before saying “You pig Kathie!”

She managed to keep her tones low so that it was only Tamara who heard what she was saying. “All right, I’ll play ball, but if you had been a pupil here as well as a teacher I’d think back and find some sin of yours that you could have told Tamara about!”

“You mean there’s not enough for you to tell her about me as a mistress” Kathie returned in quiet, but shocked tones. With that they turned their attention back to the scenery.

The girls watched as the Matterhorn slowly came towards them. “She is such an amazing shape, she has been well named.” Joanne said quietly. Sally plunged in with reference to the Jungfrau. “Do you prefer Matterhorn to Jungfrau?” She asked.

Joanne shook her head. “No, the horn is lovely of course, but she just doesn’t compare to Jungfrau. Jungfrau is like a sea on a wild night, especially when she has just received some more snowfall. Matterhorn is amazing, but while her majesty is awe striking, it just doesn’t compare.”

Sally smiled in relief. Neither of the two mountains belonged to her of course, so she couldn’t call it a personal affront, but she did feel that to prefer the Matterhorn over the Jungfrau was treachery. Especially considering the fact their school was within sight of the Jungfrau.

Sometimes it was difficult to distinguish the Jungfrau from the Eiger and the Monch because of how close they were to each other from certain perspectives. However the school looked on her from such an angle that it was no bother to see her apart from her close neighbours.

“Of course it is nice to see what is almost a natural pyramid” Joanne continued after a little while. “That she is so perfectly shaped is something that I can only put down to the way that God works in the world of nature.” She said, voicing her faith again.

Later on she was to remember this and wonder. She was not usually one to talk about her beliefs, strong though they were. “I guess it’s just the majesty of the mountains” she thought to herself, putting aside the thought that she saw the Jungfrau many times during the school year, and it rarely had such an effect on her.

“If she is the shape of a pyramid, how come the word Horn is part of her name?” asked Rachel quietly. “Well, she is almost a pyramid” Kathie Ferrars admitted quietly, “But from another angle you can see that the top of her actually curves round to give her a horn, so it makes perfect sense really.”

She smiled at the girls as she continued. “You shall all see that when we are in Zermatt of course. You will have to be thinking of what you would like to do there.”

Now the discussion dropped and the girls became absorbed in watching her drawing ever closer, right until they passed her. Once that happened, the mistresses called them all to make sure that they were packed up and ready to leave the train.

So they sighed for the end of the trip, but glad of the chance to stretch their legs they went out into the open air and when they had all gathered together they walked to their pension.

“Now girls, don’t be surprised at the lack of traffic, remember this is a traffic free zone, which means that we need to get to the majority of places under our own steam!” Len commented quietly as they picked up their baggage and started to walk off chatting.

Zermatt

They were to spend 3 full days in Zermatt, arriving late on the Tuesday evening, and leaving again on the Saturday morning. While they were there they were considering perhaps taking a stroll along one or two of the more easy hikes, and visiting the Alpine Museum amongst other places.

As they left the train station they passed a meadow, where there was a small farmhouse. Len looked at it, before turning away with a curious smile on her face. Kathie who knew all about it smiled and commented quietly “we could do with Nancy here now!” Len agreed with her and laughed again. This time their group demanded to know what was so funny, so Len had to agree to tell the story.

“Only not here and now” she commented quickly. “It’s well past time for us to be making tracks for our chalet. Come on girls, we don’t want to arrive too late you know.” The other mistresses agreed with this dictum, and they quickly formed up into lines and moved off.

When they were all settled and managed to meet up again, Len had a proposal for them. “Right girls, there is no point in us going out again now, it’s rather late, and I’m sure you could all be doing with a break. So I’m going to suggest that we have our evening meal and then spend the rest of the day quietly.

“Then tomorrow, why don’t we form into parties and wander round the village in the morning – those of you who do not know the place can explore it thoroughly. And in the afternoon we have our trip to the museum. That ought to be enough for one day.

“On Thursday we have our trip up the Gornergrat, though be warned that altitude sickness is common, so you will have to be prepared for the chance that you will need to come back down again. We shall split into two groups, with Miss Darliegh taking those who need to leave the area back down again and Miss Ferrars and I showing the others around the place.”

The mistresses had decided this last one since Tamara had not been tested at altitude yet, and the others had been up before so knew what to do when they got up there. “Later on, if you stay here for one of the holidays we can go back and I’ll show you anything you have had to miss” Len had offered later on, and Tamara had agreed that this might be a good idea.

The Kathie cut in. “We shall be leaving to early on Saturday for you to spend any time in the village that day, so on Friday morning I suggest that we might want to go up to the meadows we just passed to have a wander round there, and in the afternoon you can do as you like to explore the surrounding area.

“Then we shall all need to begin packing so we are ready to head out to where the coaches will be meeting us to take us back to the school.” She laughed quietly to herself. “And I think that the staff will be quite busy on Saturday afternoon, so if you don’t want to miss out on a treat, you had better behave yourselves!” she ended with a smile, but leaving the girls with the knowledge that teasing or not she was also perfectly serious about this.

Only Rachel was asking, “But is there any reason that we would choose to misbehave?” Kathie looked at her pointedly, remembering that Rachel had been in trouble herself not all that long ago. Rachel looked at her quietly, she was rather uncertain what that look might mean.

“That means no wandering off Rachel” Len reminded her quietly. Rachel looked at her, remembering now. Of course she wouldn’t be wandering off. She had been told about it, hadn’t she?

Tamara decided that enough was enough. “Alright Len, how about you tell us what was so funny about passing the meadows?”

Len laughed again before responding. “When I visited here as a pupil, it must be something more than 20 years ago now of course, we came up towards the meadow on our second last day. We had enjoyed ourselves and were just having a good time. I was with my close friends, plus my sisters and their friends as well.” Here a shadow passed over her face as she remembered the other things which had occurred during the course of that trip.

“We were wandering along with Miss Wilmot, when we suddenly spotted a young boy rushing along with a piglet who was making the most awful noise. The young thing’s mother was also following him at quite a pace.

“Miss Wilmot straddled the path in an attempt to catch the boy, who somehow changed direction and ran right at me and my sisters. One of my friends grabbed the young thing in an attempt to give it back to its mother.

“She, poor thing, didn’t realize that the boy had changed direction and went on regardless. She passed under Miss Wilmot and pushed so hard that she ended up with a passenger – which was just as well, because she was heading straight towards the stream.

“The look on Miss Wilmot’s face as she rode the pig backwards is something I shall never forget. Luckily her extra weight brought the poor animal up short and she was deposited on the ground before they reached the river.

“But the thing I will always count as the funniest of all happened after the piglet was back with its brothers and sisters, and its mother was back on her way to join them.

“Young Ian, for that was the boy’s name, was asked what he had thought he was doing. His response was something along the lines that he had liked the look of the piglet and wanted to take it to bed with him! He was only a young boy of course, but that finished us all.”

With the story told the mistresses reminded the girls that it was getting late and that it was really heading on for bedtime, so the party broke up as the girls sought their various sleeping quarters.

“Well that was one way to liven up an evening” Tamara remarked quietly. “When would be the best time to tell me the rest of what happened here?” She asked out of ignorance of how serious the situation actually had been.

“If you don’t mind Tamara, I’ll leave it until we are not on holiday any more. It’s not the most pleasant of memories, and it’s one I’d rather forget.” Len returned. “There are some other stories of the time we were here of course, which I will gladly tell you, but the one Kathie was referring to was not fun.” She concluded.

Tamara agreed that in that case it was probably better to leave it there, and the three of them then decided to follow the example of the girls. And if any of the girls emulated Ted Grantley by dreaming about the story they had been told she was lucky enough not to wake anyone up.


End of half term

Joanne wandered around the little village once more. She was on her own at present as she had asked the others who normally went around with for a bit of space. She had informed Miss Ferrars about this and had been given a boundary line so that she should be safe enough to be on her own. If she wanted to go out into the country again she would need to join up with one or two of the others.

It had been a good experience overall, but rather thought provoking at the same time. She was still rather troubled by some of her questions, although Len had helped her both on the train to Zermatt, and on the other occasions when Joanne had approached her.

Joanne realized though that this was one thing she would have to come to her own conclusions about, however much she talked it over with others. “I’ve just accepted my faith” she thought to herself. “We have never really been encouraged to question it here, and it is a rather sheltered existence we have at boarding school.” She looked at the buildings which surrounded her.

They were strong and had survived many years. They were built in such a way that the flood waters might not touch them. Was her faith like that, or would it crumble when she came upon a hard time?

Her thoughts then turned to the inspection which had passed just before the start of Half term. Len had never said anything to her about it, but she knew that no teacher likes being inspected. And then there were the words of that nasty newspaper man. He was simply rotten and had gone all out to hurt Mrs Entwhistle.

She had gone through that without Joanne even suspecting that there was something wrong, and now she made up her mind to talk to the teacher about it. Up until this point, even her knowing Mrs Entwhistle out of school had not prepared her for the thought that she might get upset and stressed by different things. Now she wanted to find out how Len coped, and how she managed when life got difficult for her.

Joanne knew that until she was tested – presumably once she had left school – she would not know how she herself would cope, but if she could talk to Mrs Entwhistle about it she would be guided as to how someone she admired managed when life got difficult.

She turned her head and smiled. She was not much further on in her musings, but she would get there sooner or later. Then she wandered over to the group which she saw in front of her.

Rachel was there, with Miss Ferrars as the staff had indeed stuck to their word that unless she was getting ready for bed one of them would remain with her. Rachel had found this quite difficult, but she did admit to Joanne that it would act as a reminder the next time she felt she absolutely had to get out of a situation.

“Ah Joanne we were wondering if we would see you.” Kathie said to her with a smile. Rachel said nothing, she didn’t feel she belonged to this conversation and she had been in a bit of a quiet mood recently. “I just don’t feel like talking” was all she would say.

Tamara had shot a look at her at that, but had refrained from saying anything. Joanne had followed her lead, but wanted to talk to the teacher if she would let her, to find out what she was thinking then. There had to be a reason for her looking like that.

What Tamara would have said to her had she been challenged on the matter is another matter. She did not check out with her immediately and soon forgot about it.

Having been invited to join the pair she did so happily, and chatted with the mistress. As she was indeed thinking even more deeply than before she recognised that it was hard on Kathie to have a girl like Rachel with her, and to be without companionship of her own group as well.

Joanne admitted to herself that at this precise moment she just did not understand Rachel, and this did not help her when it came to sympathising with her. Sometimes the girl seemed quite grown up, at others she seemed to think in the same ways the juniors thought. She was reasonable on occasions, but still wanted her own way, even when she knew that others points of view were valid.

Joanne smiled, at least at that she did recognise the validity of others opinions, going so far as to accede to what they said, however reluctantly. She had her own sense of right and wrong, as had come out on several occasions, yet she seemed to value her self far too much.

That was it, there were times that no matter how empathic she might manage to be, or how astute, she still had areas which were firmly in control of the ‘I want’ monster. She could be so loving and affectionate, but cross the line, and she became very much like a small child.

Joanne filed these things away to talk over with Len, or someone else, later on. Then she exerted herself and not only did she manage to get Kathie laughing, she also managed to pull Rachel out of her reverie and get her talking a little as well.

Chapter - Home again

When the expeditions eventually came to an end the girls who had been out with Kathie, Len and Tamara found that they had a lot to think about. Those with the most on their minds were Joanne, Rachel, and the three staff members themselves.

Tamara and Joanne were both thinking about how they could best help Rachel, Tamara in particular knew that there could be some difficulty with her now they were back at school having had such an unusual holiday. It just hadn’t leant itself to routine for the most part, and that didn’t help in the slightest.

Joanne was still thinking along the lines of how she could help Rachel to become less self cantered, and to see the needs of others more often. She had a half idea, but she felt that she needed to think it out more fully and work out what her ideas implied. She would have to talk with Mrs Entwhistle about it – if she could breach the term time separation which both of them had chosen to build up.

Len and Kathie were both bothered about things to do with Tamara. They knew that she had cast iron reasons for the way she acted, but they also knew that her reasons didn’t really satisfy them. Kathie resolved merely to keep an eye on things and see what happened, while Len decided that when she could she would have another quiet word with her colleague, but not one in school, she knew that was the wrong situation for this, she would arrange to have her visit one day while Reg and the children were out. Yes, she would do that, that might work.

Chapter – the new teacher

When they arrived back at the school the girls were surprised to find that there was another new face amongst the staff. She was a Miss Hammond who had come to help the school through a difficult phase. That was all that Miss Annersley was going to tell them at present. What the teaching staff knew was that if she found the place to her liking, she was going to stay on and take over as history head of department when Tamara stood down at the end of term.

She was about the same age as Tamara, but she had far more confidence, and knew just what she wanted to do with the department. Tamara owned that working with her would be an education in itself.

Having said that, the staff was rather surprised at the meeting between Tamara and the new mistress. Tamara was usually rather quiet in her greetings, and while they were all prepared to be friendly they didn’t usually hang round them like they were the best thing in the staff room.

Len realised that there was something about this meeting which was like a marking point for Tamara and was happy to sit back and look on. It was good that Tamara was able to have more friends amongst the staff.

The mystery was all cleared up when the two broke apart and Tamara exclaimed “Oh Sophia, how on earth did you come to be here? I knew you wanted a position in a school abroad, but did that not fail to come off?”

Sophia smiled. “I didn’t get it, because I didn’t apply in the end. Mum’s was rather ill and I wanted to stay with her. So I got a position in a school not that far from where we stayed and I looked after her. Anyhow, at that time it was a feeder to this place over here and I knew that if I wanted to work abroad at some point this would be the place to go for the opportunities.

“Then one of the larger secondary schools more or less took it over, and when the Head of this place visited the school to see how things were going I made it known to her that I would not mind coming abroad for a trial period at some point. And here we are.

I believe that I am here to help steady the History department, and will be working closely with the mistress who has taken on the position temporarily, with the view that if it suits us I shall take it over with the coming term. Who is the lady anyway?” She asked looking around quickly.

Tamara said nothing, but it was obvious that Sophia knew her well, because at the slightest hesitation on her part Sophia looked at her carefully. “Well well, Tamara Darleigh, what have you not been telling me?” she questioned at last.

“I’ve not told anyone” Tamara said quietly, “There was no point. I have the post for such a short period of time. Well, June knows” she corrected herself “But only because she was at school here, and when that smear campaign was run in the paper, she e-mailed me to see how the school was handling everything.”

“Ah yes, the daughter of some doctor or other was accused of suffering from the same illness. Nasty business that.”

Tamara went white at that. “Yes it was nasty, and those of us here had a lot to go through with it. Len didn’t deserve any of that, and if you must know, it was nothing but an attempt by someone who was jealous of her and wanted the promotion that she deserved. Now Sophia, unless you mean to be a good deal friendlier than that, you can just stop talking about things which you know nothing about.”

“I’m sorry Tam; I guess I’m just a bit tired, and of course I don’t know her. It’s obvious you think a lot of her, and I guess that I think far more of your opinion than of the one shown by the paper.”

“Did you not read the retraction then” said another voice from the other side of the room. “Oh I’m Mary Lawson by the way.”

“There was a retraction? I did not know that” Sophia returned quietly. “I thought that the school had problems with nepotism.”

Mary went over to the notice board and pulled out the full report for her to read. “Yes, it does seem as if the school was in the clear there, and my dear Tamara they have obviously taken a shine to you. Perhaps I had better take care or you will be remaining head of history, No?”

“No!” Tamara responded with a laugh. “Why I’d simply hate it thank you very much. Anyhow, have you read the important part, the bit which responds to Len?”

“Ah, I’ll give it another read over.” And a few minutes later “Ah, yes, I see, a very complete admission of guilt by the paper. They have been very thorough with this.”

“Well, they were pretty wholesale in their demolishment of us as a community and Len as a teacher you know” said someone next to Mary Lawson.”

“About that you are most assuredly correct, Um, sorry, you are?”
“Ah I beg your pardon, I am Stephanie Louis.” was the response. And without further ado she was introduced to the rest of the staff who were present in the room, including Len herself who had remained quiet throughout all of this. She was joined by Tamara who chose to sit next to her and show Sophia that she meant exactly what she said about Len.

Chapter – Sophia’s surprise

Those classes who had Miss Hammond as a teacher soon found that she knew her subject well, and could teach. One or two of the elder ones remembered what they had been told about the fabled ‘Miss O’Ryan’s’ lessons and wondered if they were experiencing something similar in a more up to date form.

Sophia was still finding things harder in the staff room. She was used to her colleagues making a lot of her, and this lot obviously were not going to be doing that. They had their own small circles of friends, and while they did their best to include her, the way she reacted to not being the centre of attention made one or other of them long to tell her, as Tamara had done previously, not to talk if she wasn’t going to be friendly.

They couldn’t let themselves, Tamara was a friend of hers, and she could take something like that from Tamara when she wouldn’t from someone else. Eventually however Len cracked and did tell her exactly what she thought of her. The rest of the staff in the room at the time looked on in horror, what would this most off putting lady say to Len now.

They were pleasantly surprised when she laughed, and then smiled at them. “At last” she said. “I really was beginning to think that you lot couldn’t control a class. Tamara, who knew me, didn’t count when she told me to be quiet. Now, if you will forgive my testing you and seeming so bad tempered, we can forget that and go on.” The atmosphere relaxed and the staff felt able to ease off for the first time since she joined their midst.

When Sophia got up to leave the room she twinkled at them with one parting shot. “You see, I couldn’t settle down in a staff room of spineless jellyfish!”


Chapter - The story behind

Sophia left the room chuckling, that last bombshell had caused astonishment throughout the staffroom. The meaning behind the phrase was her own, if a staff were too friendly to allow themselves to sit on the newest member when she said hurtful things then she had no use for them.

The words were not her own, the words were favourites of Matron Lloyd. Matron Lloyd was frightened of nothing and no one and Sophia had soon found that out. With the rest of the staff being too kind to count at that time, Sophia had spent more time with matron, and had been told about the school ethos on more than one occasion.

When the phrase ‘spineless jellyfish’ had come up three times Sophia had demanded an explanation of what Matron meant by it. Tamara, who had been with Matron when Sophia came up had told Matron that this was Sophia’s ethos when it came to meeting new people – until they told her where she got off she was openly hostile towards them, but after that she acted as if nothing had happened.

Matron was concerned about what this might mean, and later on, Tamara had explained that it was some kind of personality disorder which meant that she found it very difficult to be friendly to someone until this had happened.

“Of course, she was seen at student support as well as me. I think that she would have loved to be employed as a student helper by them, but they felt that they couldn’t trust her with students who could be very vulnerable. There is no worry there now; she has amply proven herself with the work she did in a school for children with special needs.

She worked there during her last few years at university as a helper, and.

She was given interview skills training by the support people to help her get a job, though they were concerned with the first job she got. I know they also gave her other training which was supposed to help in the staffroom, but I’ve a funny feeling that she is finding it difficult to put those into play because she is ‘at work’ all the time here.

“I’m sure that is why she got a job closer to home at first, though she claims it was to do with her mother.” And Matron decided to keep a close and friendly eye on this new member of staff who could do her job so well, but also had a personality disorder.


Chapter – Rachel back at school

Rachel also seemed to need a lot of support when they returned to school. She had been moody and upset during part of the holiday, and had returned to class with the same mood. Tamara had let it go on for a little while, but then decided that it was time to see what was wrong with her.

It took a lot of talking around the subject for them to come to any understanding and Tamara was wishing she had someone like June present when Rachel got into this mood. She seemed to have a gift for knowing exactly what the trouble was. Eventually she gave up even trying and began to tease the girl gently. This might just be another manifestation of the stress, and though she couldn’t know what was causing it she could try and cut through that.

Eventually just when she was getting ready to send Rachel off again, Rachel asked a question which gave her a clue as to the problem behind the difficulty. “Miss Darleigh, did you like coming back to dorm again when you had been away for a holiday?”

Tamara smiled at her sadly. “No, I can’t say that I did. It was the change that did it, that and the lack of routine during any holiday I had – though I was not at school when I had all that you have to deal with.

“My brother Donal hated going back to school after the holidays. He needed routine more than I did, so we would start on creating one for him as soon as school finished. We even had routines set up for weekends, and he went out to an autism support group which gave him the training he needed to cope in the world.”

Seeing Rachel’s interest she told her a bit more about him. “He was diagnosed as autistic as a small child. I was missed because I was so mild in comparison with him. Either that or my parents wanted to have one ‘normal’ child. At any rate, he was given social skills training as he grew up – the things we find difficult now in some situations are easier for him because of this.

“That’s not to say that you couldn’t tell that there was something different about him if you saw him – especially when we talk to each other in his own special language. He sure finds some things easier than we do though.” She smiled and continued.

“I would never have thought that he would have ended up at university, but he is there now, and he will pass his course. I’ve no idea what he will choose to do when he leaves university, but that is beside the point. We are just so relieved that he has got there. He wanted it for so long – ever since he heard that his friends were going. And he has achieved it.”

Rachel could hardly believe it. She had half thought that Tamara was joking about university, but here it was again. She had gone there, her brother had gone there, surely that meant that Rachel herself might manage it.

Tamara realised that enough had been said for now and so finished what she was saying with the words “Of course, he would have found it almost impossible without the support of the people they put in place to support students with needs of the kind. I’m just sorry that we are having to learn on you.” She glanced at Rachel and laughed.

When Rachel looked up Tamara explained. “I was just thinking that if I were in your position I would be firmly told that I was doing well at this stage.” That caught Rachel’s attention, and Tamara found that she knew the next step.

“Rachel, honey, I know you find it hard to believe this, especially when you see the other girls coping with things you find so difficult, but you are doing so well. I don’t think I could have done half so well at your age as you have done.

“Yes sure, there have been difficulties, you have made mistakes, as have others, but you have overcome them, and you will overcome them.

“now, I think you have had about enough, and I know I have, so I’m going to suggest that you go and find somewhere you can relax, and I’ll see you some other time.”

Rachel smiled at her in relief and quickly departed to go to her room. There was a lot for her to think about from this meeting. And Miss Darleigh had a brother with Autism – no wonder she understood things so well then!

Chapter – that Saturday

Rachel herself might not have enjoyed the change of environment from school to holiday and back to school again, but Jo told all who would listen to her that it had done her writing good.

She had been amazed at the page of description Rachel produced when Joey asked her to write something a little more personal. She didn’t discuss feelings and emotions, though fear was shown vividly. Tamara had warned Jo not to expect much more than that, so she wasn’t particularly worried about it.

The description flowed in a way it had just stopped short of before, and Jo delighted in the expressions, some of which were reminiscent of Plato and Verity-Anne in her younger days.

She didn’t use Shakespearian language in the way Jo and her chums had when they had rebelled against slang rules, but it was rather eccentric. Thinking about it, Jo wondered if there were some slight similarities between Rachel and Plato. After all Plato had been given the name because he had raved about the Greek philosopher during his first lesson.

Margia Stevens had christened him that, and the rest of the girls had picked it up with acclaim. He also dressed ‘odd’ and had unusual language. Even Jo had seen little of him out of school hours, so she couldn’t tell what he might have been like then, but there was a chance.

The train journey

“The train sped along the track as water through a hose, the mountains drawing ever closer. Hazel, of long brown hair, and almost purple eyes, was sitting watching them coming, ever closer, ever, closer, ever closer. The words spun round in her head like the sound of the train chugging along. Chugging, yet not chugging. Moving with purpose, with intention, with intention and determination.

“She smiled as the words tumbled about, then looked at the hills and let herself focus on them. For a moment she felt almost dizzy as she took in the speed with which they seemed to come towards her, but she soon recovered herself. She didn’t look at the beauty of them, as other passengers were doing; she looked at the shapes, the colours. The zigzags and triangles caused by the landscape.

“The flash of green, the trace of purple, the grey of the rock, and the orange as the sunset hit upon the snow. To others these things made some queer concept of what they called ‘natural beauty’ when joined together. To Hazel they were more about the shape and the colour. A mountain range meant nothing, but a triangle or pyramid of rock was of almost scientific interest, and she became absorbed in looking at them.

“Suddenly she was shaken by a fellow passenger. It was someone who had been asked to help her with getting out of the carriage at the right station. “Hazel girl, it’s time for you to get off.” But where were the triangles of purple, the flashes of grey. Here there were only ugly blocks of grey. Half asleep and highly disorientated Hazel followed her helper off of the train.

It was hard for her to stay with this person in the crush, harder still when she was looking only at the back of his head. She knew that his hair was black and quite short compared with her own, but apart from that she couldn’t tell him from anyone else.

“The crowd situation grew so difficult that she would have given anything to run, the next thing she understood was that there was an awful noise; people were turning round and looking at her. Was she the one making it?

“Soon her helper was back with her, apologizing for not making sure that she was alright. They went back to an empty compartment until the passageways were less crowded and then he led her off the train.

“Sighing with relief Hazel sat back in the taxi the man had found her. Now she just had to sit and wait and this person would take her to her sister’s house. The man apparently worked for the train company, which explained his outfit, would she ever see him again she wondered? And wondering she fell asleep.”

Jo read with amazement, this was something different. She had not had a chance to go into it with Tamara properly, she didn’t know much about what had happened over the course of half term, and so didn’t know any of the history.

“Hazel is you isn’t she Rachel?” she asked her gently. Rachel looked up in surprise. “You think she is me Mrs Maynard?” she asked her incredulously.

Jo considered teasing her about the use of her surname which she had instructed Rachel to avoid, but decided in a moment that there was something far more important to go into here. “I believe so Rachel;” she informed her gently.

She then sat and thought, she was beginning to get a hold on the kind of personality this girl had, but she wasn’t sure whether or not what she was going to say next would be the right thing or not.

She then paused and remembered what one of the characters on an Elsie Oxenham book had once said to another. “It seems to me that if you care enough, you don’t have to know the reason why, if you love well enough you do it and it’s the right thing.”

That was a paraphrase of course, and it was a bit of a different situation. She was not Jenny-Wren, and Rachel was not someone she had counted as family for a good few years. Also she didn’t want to have her impulses explained to her, though she did want some reassurance.

She didn’t know Rachel well enough to feel that she could judge safely, but that didn’t mean that she was wrong. She was responding out of love, and if she could do it right she may well be able to help the girl.

Then, abandoning her unaccustomed reticence and plunged in. “Rachel” she started again “did something happen to frighten you during half term?” She half wondered if even with Tamara there their might have been some misunderstanding which was affecting Rachel like this. Otherwise she probably would not have felt the need to write something which showed her very different outlook on the world.

Rachel looked at her steadily, but there was something in her stance which told Joey that she was uncomfortable. Jo hunted for the correct words. “I understand if you don’t want to tell me about it, after all, you hardly know me. However, I think that you do need to talk to someone. If you don’t this thing which has made you feel so bad could occur again.”

Rachel broke out at this. “Oh, but what’s the use? They already know all that happened. They know what they thought, and they are correct. They are adults they are always right!

“What’s not right is the way I react to stress. I know it’s not right, but I cant help it. I’ve been told that I’m wrong my whole life, and now that this has happened I know I can’t do anything about it. I’ll always be wrong and I can’t change it.”

She looked at Joey who was reacting in a way which made her feel slightly uncomfortable. She was just standing there, waiting for her to stop. She wasn’t frowning at her, or yelling at her to be quiet. She was just standing there.

Disconcerted Rachel stopped, and once she had given her a chance to continue Jo responded. “Oh my love, I don’t doubt that you find it difficult, but I don’t believe for one second that things will always be this way.” She stopped and Rachel began to relax.

Jo then continued carefully. “I’ll help you all I can, and I’m sure that writing is a good way to express the way you are feeling. It gets it down on paper, and allows you to understand more about yourself than you ever could any other way.

“But that on its own will probably not be enough. I think you need to talk it through with Miss Darleigh, or even my Len. I’m sure that between them they would be able to understand what is happening.”

Then, as she saw Rachel looked troubled she continued. “Rachel, love, you do know that Tamara has agreed to support you in every way she can while you are here don’t you?” Rachel agreed, “Well, Len has been given the job of helping her with this so that if Tamara is away for whatever reason there is always someone about who you trust enough to support you in that way.

“I’m certain that Tamara would say that this sort of thing needs to be discussed with her. If she doesn’t know what is troubling you she cannot possibly do anything about it.”

Then as she saw Rachel looking doubtful still she said one last thing. “You know, I can understand your feeling doubtful, but Tamara has lived through what you have lived through, I’ll bet she has some ideas.”

Then, sensing that she had said enough she left it at that.

Chapter

As had become normal for during the time that Rachel was with Joey, Tamara was spending a quiet morning with Len and family. Well, as quiet as a morning could be when small Ashley and her cousins were around.

They had played all sorts of different games with the youngsters, but then, at a glance from Len, Reg took them out for a walk, leaving the two women to talk properly. Len had been meaning to talk to Tamara seriously about different things for a while by this stage, and it always got put off for one reason or another.

Part of the reason for that was that Tamara had grown used to seeing when these questions were going to come up, and feeling that she didn’t want to talk about awkward things, she had become adept at finding a red herring to turn the path of the conversation. This time though Len had got her in a rather introspective mood and as she was quite relaxed as well she didn’t see the questions coming before Len asked them.

“Tamara love, could you tell me about your coping strategies?” Len picked her words carefully, trying to reach a middle ground that Tamara would be able to accept.

Tamara gazed at her, uncertain as to where this was leading. “I might if you would clarify the question for me Len” she responded. “I don’t think you can realise how big a topic that is. Sometimes I don’t even realise I have a strategy for coping with something until I have to put it into words for Rachel. It’s in my searching for a way out for her that I realise what I do myself to deal with a situation.”

Len sighed, clarify the question, it was pretty clear already, and there was so much she felt it would be a good idea if she knew about.

“Well, I already know that you read in especially noisy places to help you deal with them when you cannot leave, can you tell me a little about how that came about?”

Faced with the direct question Tamara found answering far easier. “That came about because when I was in university I had to eat in the dinner hall – I know I have to do so here most of the time, but I sometimes use other strategies as well. I found the dinner hall extremely difficult; I would have to stand in a long queue with lots of chattering people that I didn’t know about me. I cannot emphasise enough just how much of a nightmare halls are for a person with my diagnosis.

“Anyhow I talked things over with June and agreed that avoiding it was not the answer. Even if I was the sort of person to feel that you coped with difficult things by avoiding them I was aiming at a kind of job which was people orientated, and I had to understand that I might need to be able to cope in these situations in the workplace as well. So we worked out a way of dealing with the noise, without taking me out of the situation. You will understand that taking the noise out of the dinner hall was impossible.

“I had the actual answer in front of me, though I didn’t know it until we talked over what I was doing already, and the word ‘distraction’ came up several times. I was learning German at the time, and so had lots of vocabulary to learn. So I did that while waiting in the queues, but I couldn’t do that all the time. I had to find something else to do with myself.

“It was June who came up with the idea of reading. She knew how much I enjoyed reading fun stuff, and I think she knew that I didn’t really have much time for that in my busy timetable. So she suggested that I take a book, or a personal stereo along with me to distract myself with during the meal as well as before it.”

Len found all of this interesting, but the second bit was the important bit for her. “Could you expand on something for me Tamara? You say that you agreed that ‘avoiding it was not the answer. Even if you were the sort of person to feel that you coped with difficult things by avoiding them…’ can you tell me what you mean by that second phrase – what sort of person are you if you don’t think you can cope with things by avoiding them?”

Tamara heaved a sigh. “Now you are asking” she proclaimed, and lapsed into silence for a while. When she spoke again it was haltingly, as if she wasn’t quite sure of what she was going to say. “What we are talking about here is my philosophy of life, although that is a very technical term for what I’m talking about. Put simply it means “this is life, deal with it”.

“It rarely allows for complaints – which makes it rather difficult when talking to support people because you don’t tend to tell them about any problems because you are so used to the idea that you are the one who has to deal with all that is thrown at you, and you don’t complain about it.

“Having said that, it’s a good way for me to get things done, regardless of whether or not I like them. I call it a life philosophy, because I have had to put it into practice for many many years now. I mean, from simple things such as turning up to the dinner hall, right the way through to the big things like making myself leave the house when I’m severely depressed.

“I always had logic to back it up with the bigger things though. ‘if I don’t leave the house to go to this, then that will become a habit, if I stop going to that thing, it will become harder for me to go to other things, and eventually I’ll just hide at home and do nothing.’.

“I don’t say it was ever a real possibility because I took the action to make sure that it wasn’t, but if I hadn’t taken it, then yes, sure, it might well have become a possibility.”

Len looked at her troubled. “You say you were depressed? How come Tamara?”

Tamara laughed gently before responding. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much Len, it was only because I had had my dreams dashed suddenly.” Seeing a look she didn’t quite recognise flash across Len’s face she hastened to continue. “I mean that when I was given my diagnosis it seemed like the end of all of my hopes for the future. It seemed like all of my dreams would have to go on hold, because, as I knew well by that stage, the stuff I like to do doesn’t mix well with Autism.”

Len quickly asked “But why Autism, you have Aspergers surely?”

Tamara laughed again, but there was a hint of gravel in the laughter this time. “Oh, sure I have that diagnosis now, but it was suspected Autism for a long time. It took them a while to sort out which version I had. Not that it really made much difference, but my mind seemed to say that if I had the same diagnosis as my brother then I would be no more capable of dealing in the school environment than he was, whatever the past might have proven.”

A silence fell, as the two women contemplated what had been said. Eventually Len gave up for the moment, and went off to boil the kettle to organise them both with a hot drink. When she came back she reported that the kids would be back within a few minutes, so they would have their drink, and then it would be time for Tamara to go and pick up Rachel, but she would like to continue the discussion the next week.

Tamara agreed to this, and for the few minutes that were left until the children appeared with Reg they chatted about the events of the preceding week.

Chapter

When Reg and the girls got back Tamara insisted that it was time for her to return to pick up Rachel. Ashley wasn’t having any of it however; she utterly refused to let Tamara go without her going as well. That being the case the whole family went with her. When they arrived at Jo’s Reg kept the young girls with him, on the promise that Tamara and Rachel would come and say ‘hello’ to her before they went over to the school.

Len took Tamara round the back to go in the big patio doors which always stood open. “It will save Mama coming to open the front door if they are still working she said. They had skirted the trees and were just about to part the curtains when they heard Jo’s voice coming through clearly.

“Rachel, did something happen to frighten you during half term? I understand if you don’t want to tell me about it, after all, you hardly know me. However, I think that you do need to talk to someone. If you don’t this thing which has made you feel so bad could occur again?”

Tamara stopped dead in shock at this, and stood frozen. Len turned to look at her, uncertain of whether or not to touch her. Then, before she had come to any conclusion Rachel answered “Oh, but what’s the use? They already know all that happened. They know what they thought, and they are correct. They are adults they are always right!”

Now it was Len’s turn to feel astounded. Sure, her mother was frequently right in her guesses that a girl might be feeling rather upset, but she rarely got that response, and she was left wondering what she could have done to avert this. It wasn’t as if she had ignored the girl, but she still hadn’t picked up on something that was vitally important for this girl.

Rachel continued, “What’s not right is the way I react to stress. I know it’s not right, but I can’t help it. I’ve been told that I’m wrong my whole life, and now that this has happened I know I can’t do anything about it. I’ll always be wrong and I can’t change it.”

Len woke up again at that, however shocked she was, they couldn’t listen to this conversation, of that she was certain. She reached over and gently touched Tamara who just avoided letting out a murmur of surprise.

When Tamara looked up she gestured with her head, and they both slipped away, but not before they heard Joey respond with “Oh my love, I don’t doubt that you find it difficult, but I don’t believe for one second that things will always be this way.”

Tamara looked very concerned as they walked back to join Reg and the children. “She’ll be alright” Len comforted her. “Mama is a natural with this sort of thing.” She continued. Then she paused for a moment and as she also stopped walking Tamara waited with her. After a few seconds she looked right at Tamara and went on. “This is your job Tamara. You have told me about your coping strategies, and the rest of it, now you need to put it across to Rachel that it’s not the stress that is the issue, it’s the way she reacts to it, and tell her that there are ways around it.”

Tamara laughed shakily, “Oh Len, if only it were as easy as all that, if only I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. But I can’t. I well know what she is talking about. Perhaps not so much on the hopelessness issue – or not now at any rate, but the rest of it, yes.”

Then, seeing Len still looking at her, she concluded what she was saying. “All right, I’ll find a good way to do it, I’ll think about it at any rate. Now lets go and get Reg and we can go up to the door and ring the bell like a normal person – and you can just get your mother to tell you just *how* she came to be asking Rachel that question in the first place”.

With that she strode off to join the others, and Len, looking more troubled herself now she realised that this had just added yet another layer of stress to all that Tamara was currently coping with, followed her.


Chapter

As it happened, when he heard what had been happening he suggested to the two women that they should go for a short wander and then come back to pick up Rachel. It wasn’t as if Rachel and Tamara had to get back, and they could call in at the school on the way out to let Hilda know that Jo was having a quick session with Rachel and that it might take them a little to get back to them.

Len vetoed this as she knew that her Mother had got better with time than she had been, and if they took too long she would start to wonder, and to worry, so she suggested that they go over, leave Ashley and co with Hilda, and then they could all move over to the school again. She knew that Hilda wouldn’t mind her mother coming over for a little.

Truth to tell, Hilda was a little concerned about Jo, she hadn’t seen her for about 3 weeks, and usually the school hardly got through a week without her going across on 2 or 3 occasions, and then there were all the phone calls. Not one had been received in all that time, and Hilda wanted to know what was going on.

She was especially glad to see her great nieces though, and really enjoyed the quick five minutes she had with all of the adults, before Len and Tamara went to pick up Jo and Rachel.

To their surprise Jo was particularly reluctant to go with them, and in the end Len had to step in and bully her to get her going. Len had also been very concerned about her mothers seeming antipathy to the school. Hadnt she always said she would be a Chalet girl until the day she died?

Well, if she was going to carry on this way much longer, Len was afraid that she would do so very soon. And, Len confided to herself: that was not something she would have happen right now.

She admitted that there was never a good time for death, but she wanted this time to be special. Some bad things had happened in the past term, and she wanted the rest of it to be extra special as a result, especially given her little secret.

Perhaps, she decided, she would tell her mother that there was a secret, but that she would only tell it over at the school. That would upset her deepest plans, but to get her mother to show an interest in the school again she would do so.

Luckily it didn’t come to that; Jo gave in at a glare from her daughter that she had never bettered in all her years as a mother to young children. She came reluctantly, but she came all the same.

Rachel was pleased to be apparently forgotten in the turmoil of sorting Joey out, though she did catch Tamara glancing at her in an unusual way. She didn’t follow it through properly until she got an e-mail in from Tamara the following Monday. Then she did twig, and was correspondingly pleased that the appointment she had been given was at 10am that day. It was out of routine, and gave her a shock, but at least it was going to be out of the road as well.

Tamara had felt in an interesting position, she would never have been treated that way in university, so it went against the grain for her to do it herself. However, this was a school situation and after talking it over with Hilda she felt that it was important that she get it done as soon as possible.

It was just one of those things that would cause stress to relive it, and Tamara knew there were plenty of those. Sooner or later Rachel would have to learn to deal with them, and the sooner she did the easier it would be for her.

Of course, it was already going to be harder than it might have been. Inwardly Tamara cursed all people who didn’t get a diagnosis as soon as it was possible for a child, if they were caught early they could be trained to deal with things far more easily than when they were older, and that would make life far more easily than if they did not.

Then she repented. No, there were many circumstances which led to that decision being made, she might disagree with them, but she couldn’t judge them for it, as much as she might like to. And just because she had had a positive experience of finding out about it didn’t mean that everyone would.

Just like she didn’t tell people about her diagnosis, as it was nothing to do with them, others didn’t get the diagnosis in the first place. Tamara knew many people who did disclose the diagnosis, and she accepted that their reasons were valid, she just didn’t want to herself.

At the present moment though, Rachel had escaped and when they got back to the school she spent a few minutes playing with Ashley, and then slipped off back to the common room, heedless of Ashleys call to go with her. Ashley was a toddler, and toddlers were not a part of school life for Rachel!

Tamara distracted the pouting Ashley and after a few minutes Hilda turned to Jo and demanded an explanation as to why she did not come round so often.

Jo hummed and hawed for a bit, before muttering something. Hilda drew on her sarcasm by telling her that she thought that by now Jo would know something of English, and how to speak, given her beautiful voice when she was a little younger, however if not she could easily have her in the school for diction lessons.

Jo responded by annunciating what she meant as clearly as possible. “I said that I had not been over as much as I wanted to get used to it.”

Hilda chocked. It wasn’t so much Joey’s accent, though that did have Len and Tamara in stiches, it was the way she so clearly expected that to make sense. “I’m sorry Jo.” She said, mopping her eyes a little, “Would you please explain that?”

Sighing, Jo grumbled at her “Oh I don’t have to spell it out do I? Oh very well!” That sent Tamara and Len off again, as they knew what Hilda would have had to say to one of the girls, or even their own selves if they had used a sentence such as that before her.

“Very soon, you are going to be leaving this establishment Hilda.” Jo started off controlling her voice carefully, more to block out the emotions which were threatening to make their existence known rather than to tease anyone. “I was just trying to get used to the idea of what it would be like not coming over to the school regularly. The new head may not want me.” This time she couldn’t stop a tear rolling down her cheek.

Immediately Hilda was over with Jo, holding her closely to her, forgetting that she was older than Joey for once. She knelt down and started to talk, telling her that that would never happen, that the new head, and she knew who it was, would not be happy if she stopped visiting the school.

Then she reminded Jo that she, Nell, and Nancy would all be living with her, and that they would be popping back and forward for a bit, as well as that. They would expect her to join them.

Len then said that she hoped that her mother would not stop her parties, as her form, the lower third, would be most disappointed if she did. Jo smiled at them, as the tears of joy started to flow.

Then Tamara, tried one more method of distraction, by referring to what had gone on with Rachel, and how well she had seemed to do there. Len groaned inwardly, this was not the time for that, though Tamara had meant well. Jo lashed out “If it wasn’t for you and for Rachel I could have managed this. Oh go away and leave me alone Tamara Darleigh, I don’t need your pretending to be happy with me. I know you just see me as an interfering old bat, so enough of your bothering yourself about me.”

Tamara stood, shell shocked at this reception. Was it so wrong for her to have said that? She had only tried to distract Jo. Distraction was often the best thing for her if she was worried about something. Completely bewildered she ran for the room, and Len after a glance at Hilda followed after her. Bad though such a comment might have been for her mother, Tamara couldn’t stand this sort of thing right now.

Hilda was left in the office to comfort a horribly upset, and guilty, Joey, who was still reeling from the associations she held towards that sort of thing, and she was glad that Len had gone after Tamara to look after her.

Len was back sooner than she had expected though. They had apparently bumped into Matey in the hall, and after finding out from Len what had happened Gwynneth had taken Tamara off to her own room, and had sent Len off stating that she would deal with it. Len was rather pleased at that, she had no wish to be involved in that particular interview.

Len was more than surprised to find Hilda still kneeling by her mother when she got back, but she could see how upset she still was. That being the case she applied herself to comforting Joey as well. When all was quiet, she said she would leave them to talk together for a while, only to be stopped by Hilda. “Len, before you go, if you don’t mind giving me a hand up I would be very grateful” the dry tones almost had Len choking again as she hastened to help her head.

Chapter – Matron and Tamara

Tamara had headed up to her room hurt far more deeply than she could have said. All she had done was reach out to try and give some comfort to this lady who had helped them with Rachel, that was all. Yet she had obviously done something wrong, otherwise she would not have been snapped at in that way.

Was it wrong for someone who didn’t know you to offer consolation, had she missed out on some social rule that the others took for granted? Or was it something else. Didn’t you thank someone when they had offered help or consolation? But surely you did, it was only polite.

And it had been distraction; distraction was always good, but apparently not in this instance. Apparently distraction led to a tongue lashing instead. Had there been non-verbal signs that the others had followed, was that where she had messed up?

By this time she was in her room, with the door shut safely behind her and she herself was under the bedclothes crying. The first shock had actually numbed her mind and she had shot off home like a terrified rabbit, looking for a bolt hole.

She had gone to it, like one running from certain death – from flood waters, from lava, from an avalanche. As in a sense she was, she was running from the inevitable breaking of her emotions. She knew it would have to happen, but it would do so only once she was safely away from other people.

Once, she had been brought to tears by the sting of words, she suspected that applied carefully, by someone who had the power to keep her where she was and face it, no doubt she still could. However, with this deep sort of emotional thing, she just could not break down in front of someone.

It wasn’t that she wouldn’t, it just didn’t seem to be possible. But now, when she was hidden, when she was safe in the bolt hole, she could relax. She could allow herself to feel that upset. She could hold the hard words to herself and feel the pain again, to really feel it, to feel it properly. Wounding words, which dug deep into her heart, Words which she would have done better to reject. She held them to her, to let herself feel the sting of them.

She claimed this wrong doing for herself. Yes she had gone against the rules of propriety, she still didn’t quite know where, but she had done so – she must have done so. If she hadn’t then Jo would not have spoken to her in that way.

She accepted it, and claimed it, but she would not let that knowledge stop her. Yes, sure, she was guilty, but guilt didn’t have to burn away at you. It validated the words of Jo, and yes, sure that hurt as well, but at least it got rid of that awful confusion, or at least it would when she had talked to Hilda, or Len.

She was going to use this time to make her stronger, right now it hurt, but there would come a time when she would find that it helped her to mature, and become more understanding. She would not make the same mistake again.

Having made this determined and angry vow, Tamara let herself feel what was happening in the present again, she stopped rationalizing and let herself feel. The next thing she felt hot tears on her face.

Yes, it would help in the future, but at this moment, it was too much for her. As she gasped out a breath, while she was trying to deal with the pain, she felt two wiry arms come around her, and the woman whom they belonged to was holding her close.

How long Matron had been in the room Tamara could not have said. That didn’t matter all of a sudden. She was there when Tamara needed her, when Tamara needed anyone, just to be there. She was there, and that was all that mattered. Tamara clung to her, as she let the tears of her shocked pain escape, and Matron was glad that she had indeed followed the poor girl rather than letting Len deal with it.

Last edited by Squirrel on Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#3:  Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:51 pm

post 3

Chapter – Gwynneth talks

After Tamara had calmed down, Gwynneth asked her to tell her what had upset her so much. Tamara laughed a little and told her “Nothing much, just me being a silly as usual.” Gwynneth just looked at her, until the tears came to Tamara’s eyes again.

As she held her close again, Gwynneth whispered severely “Now, don’t you tell me that you were just being ‘a silly’ again when you have been upset as much as you have been, or do I have to go ask Len if she knows what is wrong?”

Having sent Len back to join Hilda, she had got the bare bones of the story already, but she wanted Tamara herself to explain, it would be better for Tamara that she explain what had happened. And if she ended up crying through it then so be it.

Gwynneth had had long years of experience with girls, and she knew that if Tamara was not going to be ill then she had to talk this thing through. She didn’t want too much awkwardness growing between her and Jo either. That would be bad for Rachel amongst other things.

So she waited as Tamara seemed to be weighing up the alternatives. She knew that someone must have followed her from the study. They would hardly let her leave like that without someone going after her. Hilda would hardly let the day end without coming to check up on her either. It just wasn’t Hilda to finish the working day without checking up to make sure that everyone she could was alright.

She still stuck to taking a tour of the dormitories to make sure that each girl was sleeping, that no one was lying awake, ill or upset. This was an institution which had been in place at least since the days of Mademoiselle Lepattre, and she had taken it on then.

It might take her rather longer to get round them all, and some of the other staff were required to do some of it for her, but between them all, the girls were covered. However, the head who went round the girls dormitories last thing at night ‘just in case’ was hardly going to let one of her members of staff go to bed upset without trying to do something about it when she knew what was up.

Tamara gave another humourless laugh before responding. “Very well Gwynneth, but please don’t try to offer any sympathy. I messed up, and I know that I did.” Then, haltingly, she described the scene, as well as her scattered wits allowed her to. Representing her words as uncalled for, and of course, socially inept, and Jo as being completely in the right in what she had said.

Matron had immediately cut in on that however. “Tamara, please stop being so foolish! You may have made a mistake; so far I have yet to be convinced of even that much. Whether or not you did make a mistake, Joey was not completely blameless.

“You may know that I care about her a lot” Tamara smiled bleakly to herself, that was hardly to be disputed, it was common knowledge throughout the school that Matron looked on Jo as the child that she had never been able to have. Not that Matron realized that everyone knew, it wasn’t something that they talked of in front of her, but the girls seemed to pick it up by osmosis, and the staff naturally heard it from them. They never talked about it amongst themselves of course!

A wicked gleam came into her eye as she remembered the way she had been given her first invitation to ‘English tea’ with Joey. Tamara was one of the few teaching staff who did not drink coffee, and she provided her own teabags, and helped herself to hot water when she wanted it.

Nancy had been the one to deliver the message, telling her that the lady that the school ‘dragon’ looked upon as a daughter was inviting her to have tea with her. Tamara had known exactly whom was referred to by the term dragon, because she had receive a thorough going over when she had arrived at the school.

So her first visit to Freudeshiem had been conducted warily. Expecting to be met by a hostess like a terrier, the experience had been more like melting into honey, the reception she had received.

Now her views were very much the other way around. Matron was like the honey, soothing her, helping her deal with what had to be dealt with. Jo was more like a Alsatian.

She laughed yet again. Some Alsatians were nice dogs – she had known one or two of them and they had been the biggest softies alive. However, the few that she had known which were not nice, would have quite happily taken a bite out of you – and one of them had been prone to starting out by seeming friendly. This was just what Jo seemed like now.

Gwynneth had been talking though. “I care about Jo a lot, yes. However, I know that she is human, she gets into scrapes a lot of the time.” Here Gwynneth let out a chuckle as she remembered some of those scrapes, both as an adult and a child. It would have been a revelation to some that Gwynneth could chuckle; few ever came across this side of her nature, though her comfort was known to those who needed it.

“Now” and suddenly the voice took on it’s usual overtone of a hint of iron “I want to know exactly what you said, and what Jo said back to you.”

So Tamara did her best to recall what she had said. “We were in the study talking. Jo, Ashley, Len, Hilda and I were all there. I think Reg was about, but I can’t remember him being there at the time. He must have slipped out with Rachel I think.

Matron smiled grimly, he might have left with Rachel, but he had actually been en-rout to the san to look at one or two cases she had in at that time. She didn’t think they were in for an epidemic, but she still had to make sure that the girls were looked at if there seemed to be anything other than the usual up with them.

“Jo had explained why she had not been over for a bit” Gwynneth looked up at that. “What did she say?” She asked anxiously. Tamara sighed. “She said that she was trying to get used to not coming over to the school” she recited. “she told us that she didn’t want to foist herself on the new head, who was unlikely to want her presence, and she was trying to get used to not talking to Hilda during the week.”

Gwynneths; arms had tightened instinctively, as she heard the recital. Then she said to Tamara. “That is the first bit of our jigsaw puzzle my dear. Jo would never have hidden away like that if she was at her best. She would have remembered that she didn’t need to. That Hilda and Nell are going to be living with her, as will Nancy be. It doesn’t excuse her, and I’m not going to say that it does, but it does explain it at least a little.

“Go on Tamara” She sighed, how could she go on. She knew that Matron was just trying to be helpful, and that she probably couldn’t help but explain things the way she did, but did she honestly think that Tamara had not thought all of this through before.

“Hilda and Len both reminded her that she was very welcome in the school, and how much the girls enjoyed spending time with her. I tried to back them up by reminding her about how well she had done with Rachel.” There she stopped, because Gwynneth hissed in a breath, and tightened her grip again.

“You see, I knew I’d done wrong” Tamara exclaimed, “you don’t have to pretend Gwynneth, I need to know. What rule is it that I have transgressed? What have I done wrong?”

Gwynneth froze for a moment. “Tamara, why do you think that you are the one to blame here? Or rather, that the problem is due to you not picking up on some social nuance? I can assure you that if it were that, you would know by now. Hilda would have explained it to you, or Len would have made sure that you knew exactly what it was. Are either of them with us now?”

Tamara looked up at her, wonderingly. “But Joey shouted at me. That’s what that means. I don’t get shouted at unless I did something wrong.” Gwynneth tried to follow her logic, but didn’t quite manage to do so. “I’m sorry Tamara, you’ll have to explain that to me. “People only shout at you if you did something wrong?””

Tamara moved from her loving embrace to the bed. This was a challenge for her, and she needed just a little more space. “Sure. It is cause and effect. If I get shouted at I know I’ve done something that is socially unacceptable. When I was in primary school, I got on alright most of the time, but my first year there I had a teacher who was a bit difficult to deal with. None of the children liked her, and now I would have called her a bully.

“She was ‘telling off’ one of the people I knew a little, for something that she hadn’t done. I couldn’t stand it, especially as I knew who had done it. I went up to the teacher and shouted at her. I told her that my friend “hasn’t done it, you cow pat!” The rest of the class looked at me in horror, and I was marched off to the Head, this teacher screaming at me the whole time.

“I was punished of course, though not all that much. Definitely no where near as much as the teacher wanted me to be that is for sure. She wanted him to give me a detention. He treated the matter seriously, and had me apologise to her. Then he sent her away and explained just why it wasn’t appropriate for me to call my teacher a ‘cow pat’, and that I would have to repeat my apology to her in front of the class.

“I was relieved that he had said that he would be there, for I knew exactly how difficult it was for this teacher to accept any apology easily, and I might just escape the worst of her tyranny over it if he was there. That didn’t stop her from picking on me in class of course, but I was more or less used to that by then.”

Tamara stopped for a moment, and thought. Gwynneth just listened, waiting for what would come next.

“That was the start of it I think, but it has happened on several different occasions as I was growing up. Something has happened, and I have responded to it in a way which was out of context.” She chuckled. “My parents did it as well once. I think I must have been about 15 years old, and I met up with this man who was dressed in rags. It was a cold night, and he had little on. I went up to him and hugged him, thinking that it would warm him. I think that he was rather surprised, especially as I was returning from a party and was wearing a rather posh dress as well.

“My parents saw what I was doing, and shouted at me to get away from him. Later on they told me that they had seen a syringe in his hand, and that it was very close to my arm. They told me that he could well have tried to get me hooked on some kind of drugs, and he could easily have taken advantage of me in many different ways then.”

Then seeing Gwynneth looking sideways at her Tamara smiled gently at her. “You have to remember that I was young and childlike then. I didn’t think about him having drugs. He was just a beggar in my opinion. I wanted to do what I could for him, and I didn’t have a blanket with me. I thought that anything was better than nothing.”

After a few more minutes Gwynneth looked at her quietly, and then spoke. “Well, well, Tamara Darleigh. That’s quite some character you have under your quiet exterior! Shouting at teachers? Hugging strange men in the street? No wonder you were shouted at and told that you were doing things which were inappropriate!”

Then after another few minutes silence she continued. “However, in this case I assure you that your social skills were not at fault. If anything was at fault, it was your knowledge of Joey’s past, and since you were not here when the thing which hurt her so much happened you can hardly blame yourself for not knowing.

“If Jo had been less fragile it might not have happened either. But she was and it did and you are entitled to an explanation.




Chapter – What happened to Joey

Matron didn’t explain right at that moment however. It was getting dark and the room was cool, so she turned on the light and brought along one of the small electric fires the school owned for staff bedrooms. She then went and brought herself and Tamara milky hot chocolate. “You might as well get the benefit of the milk, because after this you are going to bed and you are staying there she remarked quietly.

Then she took a seat, leaving Tamara to sit where she chose. As it so happened, Tamara chose to sit on the floor, right at her feet. Gwynneth laughed. “What on earth are you sitting down there for?” She asked quickly.

Tamara smiled at her. “I often feel most comfortable on the floor.” She responded. “I like it as a seat both when I am on my own and when I’m with others.” Gwynneth looked at her carefully. “The floor is cold though Tamara, I don’t want you getting ill now, we are into the winter you know, and it’s not as if we were in Britain you know!”

With that she moved off again and Tamara was astounded to see her bringing back a rug and a blanket. She put the rug on the floor and handed the blanket to Tamara. “You may sit on the rug, and wrap the blanket round you. That ought to protect you from the worst of the elements!” she commented. And Tamara, nonplussed, did as she was told. So strong was Matrons influence that she ignored the fact that she didn’t actually like the rough wool of a blanket, and found the texture of the rug uncomfortable.

So when they were eventually settled Matron looked at Tamara again. “That’s better” she commented, before laughing gently “Though I never thought one of the staff would make me feel like a teacher!” Tamara joined in with her laughter and after another moment or so Matron condescended to explain.

“Tamara, I assure you again that you did not contravene any rule of etiquette in what you said to Jo. If you had said it to anyone else then it would have passed off as well as anything else. The trouble to this lies in the past of Jo herself”.

Matron stopped, thinking into the past as she worked out how best to word it. “It is right that you understand. It will help both yourself and Jo if you do so. You because you need to have understanding to help you accept what has happened, and so that you do not blame yourself, and Jo because your understanding will enable you to sympathise with her.”

Then the tale had come out. A tale of events which had taken place a year or so before Tamara had joined the school. Jo had been without Jack for 3 years by that stage, and had settled back into her normal routines of life. Len still went in occasionally, and the grandchildren were often visiting her.

A new girl had arrived, one who needed that little bit extra love and attention, but one whose mother was vicious and thought that anyone who bothered with her daughter was beyond the pale.

Joey had actually made some headway with the girl, and then the mother had landed on the school. She was one of those who had a long memory and who therefore come prepared with all of the ‘dirt’ on the actions of Jack.

She had of course tried to turn the school against Joey, but that one had been doomed to failure from the start. Then she had taken the girl, and began to poison her, telling her that she couldn’t trust Joey, that she was only being nice to her so that she could control her.

The poor child had struggled against this idea of course, but it hadn’t lasted long. She was so used to accepting her mothers view of everything that she soon grew to accept this as well.

Hilda had previously told the mother how well Jo was getting on with her child, and in the end suggested that the mother and her daughter go across to Jo’s for an evening so that she could see how well the daughter responded to Jo.

This was exactly what the ‘lady’ had been waiting for and she accepted immediately. Of course that meeting was horrendous. The girl had longed to ask Jo quietly if she had meant what her mother suggested she had meant. Since she was with them the whole time looking expressively at her daughter at significant intervals, this had been unable to occur.

Eventually Jo asked the girl if she would like to go upstairs and help her with her children. This was apparently the last straw, and the girl had ended up near enough bolting for the door, shouting something about not going anywhere with ‘such a cat’.

The mother had looked at her and had stood up saying “Ah yes, I see exactly what the head of the school meant when she told me about how much you had done for her. I must offer you my congratulations – you have done so well, so much good for the school, and for my daughter. Please forgive me if I do not tarry here any longer. Good day Mrs Maynard”

Jo had been distraught. Not only had something happened to hurt the child, it seemed to be something to do with her. She did not know what it might be, but it was obviously something that had hurt her a lot. Then to have the mother speak to her like that, it was more than she could cope with.

That evening, when Hilda phoned, Jo had been adamant that she would not interfere with a single other girl. And no matter how hard Hilda had talked she had not changed her mind on that. The withdrawal of the girl from the school had been the last straw for all of them.

It had taken her a long time to get back to her usual friendly person, but they had got there in the end. “And now, I’m not sure what she will say as to Rachel’s going over on Saturdays.”

Tamara looked at her and sighed. “So that’s my first job is it?” She paused a moment, and felt how tired she was. “But maybe not tonight!”

Gwynneth looked at her most severely. “Definitely not tonight young lady. You are getting into bed now. On you go, no arguments!

“I’ll be back in a little while with a bottle and some hot milk for you. Hilda will probably come up once she has sorted Joey out, though I’m not sure when she will do so

“When I get back I expect to find you in bed, young lady!”

With that Matron left the room, and headed off to deal with the bottle and milk she had promised Tamara.


Chapter – With Hilda

Hilda came up about half an hour later to find that Tamara was relaxing, but pretty much awake. “So you are awake my dear” she started, wondering how she could best talk to this courageous young woman in front of her. She had talked to Gwynneth before coming through, and was still trying to take in the fact that she had tried to say that she was in the wrong, and that Jo just wasn’t.

Tamara looked up at her and smiled. “How are you doing?” To her relief Tamara answered in her normal voice rather than one of an invalid “Oh, I’m pretty tired of course, but I’ll get there”. There was a slight something in the tones however which told Hilda that it might be as well to ask Tamara for a little more detail.

“Tamara, would you like to tell me a little more? Where are you now if you will get ‘there’?” Tamara looked at her before closing her eyes in embarrassment. She never quite got to the stage of being able to brush off a question like that. She thought she had just about managed it, and the person always came back, asking her to clarify.

That was alright with some people. She had never had a problem with June doing it to her. Well, it was June’s job, and she wouldn’t have managed to fulfil her role very well if she hadn’t made sure that the answer she was getting was the real one. There was no actual person who had ‘June’s job’ here though. Lots of different people did lots of different bits of it, and they all took on part of it now and again.

Len, Matron, Hilda, all checked up with how she was doing, Rosalie and co tried to see that she got a timetable which was relatively routine and was not prone to any huge changes throughout the term. They also saw to it that she got as much advance warning as possible about any change which was going to take place. There were also others who did that kind of thing as well.

Gradually the thought sunk in that Hilda was the one who could claim the role of June, if any of them could. In some ways that was a bit of a pity, because Tamara wasn’t that close to Hilda, she didn’t know her that well, and she was going to change soon anyway.

However, if she wanted to have a good relationship with Hilda for the last little while she was there then it was up to her. That being the case, Tamara did her best to answer her, imagining what she would have tried to say to June had it been her asking the question.

When she had extra time to think about it she chuckled to herself, realising how ridiculous it was. She had been away from University a good 2 years, and yet she was still harking back to her times there. Then she shrugged, knowing that her university years had been such a defining time for her that she probably always would hark back to them.

“I suppose it’s just that I’ve come across a new Joey, some part of me might even try to call it the real Joey. I know that’s not so, for from all I have heard about her she has always been open, generous, and loving. Trying to give of herself. Sometimes even giving too much, and going into dangerous places because of it.

“She has always been a rather difficult person for me to get to know, she changes from one thing onto the next so rapidly, she does better in the crowds than alone somehow. She likes to be the centre of a large crowd. Those are the sorts of situations which have me trying to keep my mind on focus and my silly sense from going out of control.

“I admire what she does with girls, but could never emulate it, so I just watch from the background.”

Hilda looked at her, there was a lot of issue skipping going on even now, but there was one point here which had to be answered.

“Yes, Jo is best in a crowd, I often think it’s because she is frightened of one to one situations, especially where her own needs are concerned. She was always a little like that, but she has become especially so since Jack died.”

Then as Tamara was digesting this she decided to attack “Come on Tamara though, your differences to Jo are not the only thing which is the problem here – at most it’s a sideline!”

Tamara looked at her quietly. “I wasn’t saying that it was the differences though, it was the finding the new person, the one who lashed out and thought too little of others I was talking about. That’s not the real Joey, I know it’s not, but it does form part of her character.”

Hilda looked at her again. This girl really dug deep in some ways. “Yes Tamara, there are some parts of her character she is very much ashamed about and does her best to ignore them. Her temper is not unusually quick; however she does have a way of lashing out at people if they have hurt her deeply. You were just unlucky in that you got the tail end of a tongue lashing that had been meant for someone else many years before.”

“I know, Matron explained, and I’ll go over and see if I can explain to Joey in the morning. I also understand what Matron told me about why Joey reacted the way she did, but it doesn’t stop my head from reinforcing its view, and telling me that I’ve got it wrong again. That it was my social ineptitude which was the cause of all this rather than the way that Joey was feeling. I know it, but I can’t believe it!”

Hilda looked at her; obviously Gwynneth was not exaggerating when she said that Tamara had tried to accept the whole of the blame then. Could she do something about that? Would it be possible? She must try, just as Gwynneth had had to try.

“Tamara, why does your head feel that way?” Then as Tamara was going to respond immediately she held up her hand. “No, I want you to think about this for a minute. I don’t want the history of it, I want to know more about you. Why does your head feel that if anyone is at fault it has to be you?”

Pulled up short Tamara gaped at her. How on earth was she supposed to answer this one? Knowing that an answer was needed though, she thought for a moment before trying to satisfy Hilda. “Well, I guess that it’s partly irrational, but it seems that each time something has gone wrong in a social situation it’s my fault. I’ve read a social cue wrong or something like that.”

Hilda looked at her, her eyes showing deep concern for this lady of such great courage. To just accept that you were likely to be in the wrong. How many of her pupils would do that, how many of them needed it pointed out to them.

She was not one of a kind in that matter, but most of them just did it. Also the fact that it seemed she did something about it. She wasn’t harbouring any excess of guilt, so she must have done something with her musings. The most likely answer was that she had dealt with her mistakes.

“I can’t explain it very well, I’m sorry. But then I would be very surprised if you could explain the way your head worked to me, so I guess I shouldn’t apologise all that much!” Hilda looked at her, and saw the mischief sparkling in the corners of her eyes. This mistress wasn’t so bland as she appeared to be after all.

She still seemed to be pretty stressed, but she was still able to tease her head. “Oh I don’t know about that Tamara. I have got a rather good command of the English language you know!”

Eventually she decided that even her wisdom couldn’t reach into those places which were hidden so deeply within Tamara’s heart. Jo might have been able to, if she had cared enough to try, but Hilda found that it wasn’t a place for her to enter. Gwynneth had already done all that needed to be done.

So she chatted a little about the school, and the way forwards, and other than that, left it at that. Then she left, leaving Tamara feeling so alone after the protective friendship she had felt in the presence of her supporters.







Chapter - Tamara and Jo – an understanding

The next morning Tamara wandered over to Freudeshiem to speak to Joey. She had been to the early service, and it was well known that Jo didn’t ever do anything different. Jo always commented that now there was no point in her doing anything else. It gave her a good start to the day, and meant she could watch the stream of girls wandering over to their chapels when the time came. Len often thought that it also meant she didn’t have to see many young families, but no one suggested that to Joey.

When she saw who was at the door Jo was very angry. How dare she come over here to crow? She asked herself, and she was going to make Tamara do her talking on the doorstep, until she realized how cold it was, and something softened as she saw that Tamara wasn’t going to lash out at her.

In fact, Tamara was very mild mannered in her approach. She couldn’t quite be friendly, or at least, familiar as she didn’t want to upset Jo. However she did assume the same kind of attitude as she did with the girls, and Jo was amused as she recognised the kind of half way friendship mark that she had been given in the past.

Well, at least that her friends had been given. Jo herself had had something a trifle closer as a pupil, something to do with her close connections with the school. Of course it didn’t stop her getting into trouble – anything but! But it had meant that the staff were a little bit more forthcoming with her when they were in their off duty times. Well, some of them were. Hilda and Nell never were!

At any rate, she eventually found herself inviting the visitor in, and allowing her to speak. At first however she didn’t listen, telling Tamara that she had done it on purpose, to hurt her. After a while however she condescended to let what Tamara was saying have an effect on her.

It was the shock which started it. Jo had never expected anyone tell her that her bad behaviour (for such she half agreed it was) had led them to believe they had done something wrong. Of course, her head then tried to tell her it was perfectly natural, anyone who upset her like that was in the wrong.

Her conscience began to speak then however, reminding her that Tamara wasn’t talking about this sort of wrong; Tamara was talking about a general social wrong. Jo definitely wasn’t going to be telling her she should feel upset about non existent social difficulties. Gwynneth would have eaten her alive if she had!

This got her thinking rather less of herself, and more of the person she had lashed out at. It was true she admitted grudgingly, Tamara had not been in the school when that unfortunate event took place; it was not widely talked about. How on earth should Tamara have known about what took place? Eventually she took the step to accepting that Tamara had not said what she did with intent to hurt her.

Hilda had tried to convince her of that the day before, but Jo had refused to accept it. In fact, Hilda had left the office feeling that she had got nowhere. Jo was stuck in her attitude that the history mistress was beyond the pale, and should even be sacked from the school. Seeing that the more she tried to make the girl, well she was acting like a child, see sense, the more Jo became entrenched, Hilda wisely gave up and turned the topic of conversation again.

When she told Tamara that she was forgiven, and that she accepted that it had been a hurt without it being meant Tamara beamed at her. “Oh thank you Jo, that is good of you.” She exclaimed. Then, after a few more minutes had passed she brought up the subject of Rachel.

Jo was torn between the temptation to play the injured party, and the thought which whispered itself, that Rachel wasn’t that bad, and that Jo really enjoyed her company. It was so good to be able to enjoy her company. “Oh of course she is to keep on coming over” she muttered irritably.

A few moments silence followed, and Tamara wasn’t sure whether or not she should make her excuses. Jo was making another effort however. She needed to speak to someone about Rachel, now was probably going to be the best chance she would ever have.

“About Rachel” she started off. “She was saying some things which concerned me.” Tamara didn’t respond immediately, should she admit to knowing something about this, or would it be better to get Jo’s impression of the scene. Her moments thought decided her to take the latter route. It would help her to take it in a bit further, she reasoned, trying to ignore the feeling which told her that she was being a coward.

“Oh, she’s been acting a little unusual lately” Tamara responded. “If you can throw any light on the matter, it would be very helpful.”

So Jo had told the story of what had happened that day, and Tamara had found herself almost reliving that time behind the curtain. When the recital was at an end she almost seemed to hear herself say “Thank you Joey; that makes sense of many things. I’ll get on to it tomorrow. You may well be able to give some support to Rachel, which Len and I cannot, so if I think that you will, do I have your permission to contact you about it?”

Jo hummed and hawed for a bit, but there was a smile hovering on her face which would have told Hilda she meant to agree to this. It had been a long time since she had been someone to be consulted at the school. So it was soon arranged and Tamara went back to the school relieved.

It had been a difficult visit, and she didn’t want to have to do it again in a hurry, but it was done now, and much that was useful had come of it.


Chapter – Tamara and Rachel

Rachel had looked forward to her meeting with Tamara with some slight nerves. She wanted it so that she could get it over with, she didn’t quite think she would get out of it. However if she could have got out of it she would have done what was necessary to do so. Tamara was aware of her feeling, but didn’t know how to deal with it that well, so she just trusted that the discussion they would have to have would help with that.

They met up in a reasonable size of room which had been given to Tamara as an extra room shortly before she began to see Rachel. Hilda had explained that it wasn’t just as a convenient meeting place as the classrooms were too large, but it was also to give Tamara a place she could slip off to if the staff room ever got too much for her. She tried to regulate the time she went in there, but the room got plenty of use one way or another.

It was a comfortable room, and Tamara made it so that it seemed like a home. Both Tamara herself, and those who visited her there, were grateful for that, because there was little home-like space in a boarding school, even one as friendly as the Chalet School.

“Hello Rachel, you OK?” Tamara asked as the girl walked in the room. “I guess” came back the non-committal response.

Tamara smiled at her before returning lightly “you don’t sound too sure about that. Why don’t you tell me about it?”

Rachel paused and thought, while Tamara kept her thoughts in check, what she was saying to Rachel was so like so many of the things she had had said to her. “Part of me feels that I’m only in this position because I wasn’t able to keep a holt on my tongue while I was with Mrs Maynard on Saturday, so I’m feeling a bit irritated with myself. I don’t want to have to be in this place I hate feeling this way.”

Tamara looked at her quietly. How was she to deal with this? Then she spoke. “Rachel, you don’t have to tell me anything you are not comfortable telling me about. That is the first and most important thing.

“Now I must be honest with you here, I might be wrong, but I think that one of the reasons you were so unable to keep your feelings under control was that you are trying too hard to sit on them.

“It’s not good for you, and I know how horrible it feels. Everything is coloured by it. As you get older it can get so that you don’t even know that you are feeling it – I know because it got to that stage with me.

“There were different give aways, but I didn’t feel it all that much – only when I got extremely stressed. Then it came back again, with the extremes of ill health, and the like, though I didn’t have the sudden upsets.

“Rachel, that was very bad for me, and though I found that it was very difficult to do, there was a way around it – there will be a way around this extreme of stress for you too, and if we can start now we might just escape you having the same extremes that I had as I got older.”

This personal take on it grabbed Rachel’s attention. “I had forgotten you had lived through a lot of the sort of stuff I am dealing with!” she remarked quietly. Tamara smiled at her. “It just so happens that it seems there are some areas where we share difficulties, and there are some areas where I’ll have difficulties which you don’t and others where you will have difficulties that I don’t. This is one which we share.”

Rachel looked up at her and smiled back, albeit a very small smile. “Thanks” she responded. “It’s good to know that I am not the only one.”

“So how about you tell me about it, and I’ll see if I can help with it?”

It seemed to take a minute, before Rachel made any move, then she shifted in her seat and moved around. “Alright” she said at last, “I don’t see what harm it can do, and it may help. Here goes.”

She may have said here goes, but apparently she didn’t mean it.

Chapter – Rachel’s story.

Eventually Rachel looked up. She wasn’t sure how much Miss Darleigh knew about the situation, but she was going to start with the most important part. “It was the trip to the Heidi Hut which did it.” She said frankly. “I’d coped fine with everything else that day, including being on a crowded bus and one or two other things.

“I was with Joanne, and her lot, and they were chattering away – it took a lot for me to take in what they were saying half of the time. I was part of the group, but as an observer, do you know what I mean by that?” She checked up.

Tamara smiled at her. “Yes Rachel, I know the feeling well.” Rachel nodded briefly before continuing. “I wasn’t that keen on the idea of going away anyway. It was taking me away from the safe zone, into a place which was not safe, it was big and scary. And it was asking me to cope in that danger zone.

“I found however that the others were eager to get there however, and didn’t quite know what to make of this. In the end they brought out a picture book and showed me a picture of the Matterhorn.

“She was a lovely picture, but part of me couldn’t help but think that it was ‘this’ that I was being dragged away from my safe zone for? I was not impressed, though I think I managed to keep that from the others.

“The Glacier Express, t’was just a name. It didn’t mean anything to me! Right up until I was actually expected to get on it. Of course, by that point I was safe with you, and that was a relief. However I couldn’t stay with you all the time. You had to have some breaks. And I don’t know the others so well. I hardly know Miss Ferrars at all!”

There was a pause, and Tamara just sat, wondering how she could deal with this when Rachel felt she had explained it as well as she could. What was the best way? She could hardly encourage the girl to hide from every small difficulty, or from every big one. She had to be able to cope by herself to some extent by the time she left boarding school.

“The sleeping arrangements were all upside down as well, and I found it really hard to come to terms with who was where. Of course, we weren’t in either place long enough for me to get used to it, so that didn’t help much either.

“Then I really made an ass of myself!” Tamara looked up in surprise at this way of describing it; surely it wasn’t common parlance now? “How did you do that Rachel?” she asked quietly.

“I told the others about you of course!” Rachel responded, looking at her with a worried look upon her face. “That wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have done it.”

Tamara looked at her, her face growing very concerned. “You are worrying about that yet Rachel?” she asked her gently. When the girl nodded in reply Tamara looked straight at her and continued with “Well Don’t!

“It’s just not necessary Rachel. The girls know far better than to make anything of that. You haven’t seen me when I’m playing the strict teacher, but I assure you I can do it!”

Rachel smiled back at this, and Tamara, while knowing from her own experience that it would likely take more to settle her on this issue, decided that she should find out about anything else as well.

“So what else happened then Rachel?” she asked, knowing that at some point they would have to get around to the trip to the Heidihutte – which she had now become sure was the nub of the problem.

“That was difficult, in that you had to talk to me about it as well as my own feelings which told me that I shouldn’t have done it.”

Tamara looked at her sharply. “OK, then” she thought to herself “Not finished with this part quite yet!” She sat there helpless for a few minutes, knowing that she didn’t have the words to offer to make it better. “Ooooh, why couldn’t Len have done this” she thought desperately to herself, even as she acknowledged that Rachel wouldn’t have been able to open up to Len in the same way as to her.

Then, she realised that the time for words alone was past, so she would have to act. After all, Rachel was still only young, she might have been 15, and there were some things in which she was older than that, but in other areas she was quite a bit younger – Tamara would have hesitated to say 8 for some things.

Standing up she held her arms open, and the girl more or less jumped into them and put her head down on her shoulder. Tamara looked at her, and stroked her hair, remembering all the times she had felt like doing that herself. Then she pulled herself up – felt like doing it? She jolly well had done it occasionally!

“Rachel, I’m sorry.” Tamara began. “I’ve never done this before, it’s new to me.” Rachel looked up at her. “What do you mean?” she asked tears visible at the corners of her eyes. Tamara smiled gently, and held her close. “What I mean is that I make mistakes, I’m only human, and I don’t know enough about how I can best support you.

“I’m sure that I’ve said that this is a new experience for the school, and there are some things which we will try and find are wrong. I’ve covered *some* of the theory, and I know enough about what worked with me, but you are a different person to me. I have no idea what will work for you.”

Rachel looked at her, and nodded. “Ok, I guess. I still don’t quite ‘get’ why you were apologising to me though!” Tamara smiled back at her and said quietly – “Well, it’s obvious that you didn’t need me to talk to you like that, if anything, you needed reassurance, and I didn’t give you it. I’ll have to remember that the next time.”

Then she looked carefully at the girl, as far as she could tell she looked a little happier. “Now, come on, Madam! This is skirting the issue here! We can come back to this later if you want to. What else happened on the holiday?”

Rachel stepped back, and took a deep breath. She could tell that this was going to take quite some time!

Continuing discussion

“I spose that the next thing was the trip itself. Joanne had got me to agree to come, and she was really great during the first part of it. “I hadn’t wanted to come on the trip, I wanted to stay at home to recover from the shock of having said what I did about you. Joanne talked me out of it.

“She did her best to cheer me up as well, but it wasn’t possible for her to be with me *all* the time. Sally was there in the background as well, watching you curiously as you went about your work. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was going to be like around you, though after the first shock it seemed that she was able to accept the change.

“That didn’t really make all that much difference though; I was more upset about the way things had worked. I’m sure that Joanne gave up on me in the end. She just began to accept that I would be like that, and left me to it.

“I’m sure that she was wondering why I was like that. All through the rest of the time away I could see her glancing curiously at me, wondering why I was behaving in the way that I was.

“The heidihutte incident was just one part of it. I was already stressed when we went to the hut. I’d been in this chattering mob for as long as I could stand.

“Why didn’t I speak to you about it?” she continued as Tamara continued to watch her carefully, “Well, I might have done, but I was still feeling guilty. Perhaps if I hadn’t had all of the other stuff to deal with I’d have reasoned myself out of it, but that’s not for sure.

“Joanne was saying that if I stayed off, that would mean that one of you guys would have to stay off, and that would have spoiled the trip for everyone.”

At that Tamara eventually found something to say. “Rachel, are you telling me that you would have felt happier with a day in the house that day?”

The girl stopped, and pondered for a while. “Possibly, but with what Joanne had said about it I’d have felt guilty about that as well.”

Tamara felt like kicking herself for not thinking to check up with the girl on this kind of issue. “Rachel, love, Joanne is great, but she is only another school girl. Now, I’m here I’m staff, and I know quite a bit more about it than Joanne knows.

“I’m not saying that we would have decided at the time that it was better for you to stay at home, and what is done is done, there is no point in you worrying about it, ok?”

Rachel smiled at her gently, and it took Tamara looking sternly at her to get an answer from her. “Ok, I’ll try not to worry about it.” This brought a resigned nod from Tamara and the reminder “Just do your best love.”

Then there was another pause, before Tamara started again. “Now, what I’d have done in that situation was to look out one of the people in charge. In your case, the best option would have been for you to come to me, or if I wasn’t available for some reason or another then Mrs Entwhistle would have been just as good.

“Yes, there was also Mrs Ferrars, and you are beginning to get to know her, but Mrs Entwhistle and I are both far better prepared to deal with the differences you bring. Mrs Ferrars doesn’t quite understand you fully yet.

“Then I’d have asked to talk to them for a few minutes. Again, Len and I both understand the why of that. I’ve had some experience and Len, because she has learned about it while we have both been at the school, can both understand. With them I would have gone into all the difficulties I was seeing.

“Yes, again, there is no point in looking out someone and then not telling them. You’re clinging blindly to me while we were changing busses in the city centre made little difference. I just thought that you were nervous about the size of the crowds.”

At this Rachel responded “Oh, but what’s the use? What difference would it make?” Tamara smiled at her gently. “Firstly, it would have meant that I was aware of the fact you were finding things difficult Rachel. Even if we had decided that going on the trip was still the best thing for you, I would have been on the alert. I’d have had more time to spend with you, and when we eventually reached the hut I would have been able to change things a little.

“We could have got the girls to quieten down, and I’ve already told you that you are not the only one who would have been happier with that!” Tamara chuckled, leaving Rachel looking at her in bewilderment.

“What?” she questioned in the end. Tamara sighed. “You are not the only one to have difficulties with this kind of thing Rachel honey, then she looked up, and Rachel had the odd sensation that the tables were about to be turned a little.

“When you left, Kathie and Len, sorry Miss Ferrars and Mrs Entwhistle, turned round to me and asked why on earth I had not mentioned to them that things were so difficult for me. My response was that I hadn’t even thought about it. I was so used to coping with what life threw at me that I just got on with it, without thinking that the situation might be changed. Len and Kathie were horrified at that. They felt that I should have known just to tell them.

“They forgot that the whole of my latter training has been of how to cope without using these extra supports.”

Rachel looked up enquiringly at this and Tamara laughed at her. “How you deal with things later on is your own concern Rachel, but I came here about 3 years or so ago now, and the staff have only known about my diagnosis for about 2 months now. I’m used to living with it, and not asking for concessions.

“I was known as being a bit eccentric I suppose, and few of the other members of staff actually bothered to see if I was alright, but I got through life.

“Now people know, and I’m being asked to be more open with them all. I’m being asked to give up on coping strategies because it seems to imply that I don’t trust people.

“Rachel, like you, I’m putting myself in situations that I’d usually rather not, and I’m not mentioning it to the people who could help, but there is a difference. Can you see what that difference is?”

Rachel paused. She certainly hadn’t expected to hear anything like this from the competent Miss Darleigh. A difference, between the way she acted and the way that Tamara acted? She paused and let her mind try to reason this thing out. Tamara was a teacher, she wasn’t, but that made little difference really, it was just in age and responsibility.

Age could make a difference though; as you grew older you developed a different outlook on life. You also got more experience, and presumably worked out things which helped.

Things which Helped, yes! that could be an interesting road to follow. If you experience more you knew more about how you could cope with difficult circumstances, and be better prepared for them. After all, in the heidihutte Tamara had been reading, and later on she had calmly turned round and told Rachel that this was because she was too stressed to concentrate on her job. She had found a way around it – an acceptable way. Running from the situation wasn’t wrong exactly, but it had hardly helped matters.

Eventually she looked up and smiled. “Alright Tamara, I see where you are going with this. It’s indirectly because of the fact that you are older than I am. You have had more experience of the world, and you have more experience of how to deal with it.

“You know how to cope, how to make yourself stick, even in a place like the Heidihutte was.”

Tamara smiled at her. “Yes Rachel, I would agree that this has made a big difference. Because I can assure you that I would have loved to join you in your mad dash along the paths if I had allowed myself to think on it. I didn’t. I knew exactly how bad that would be for me, and I didn’t let myself. Instead I pulled out a book, and encouraged myself to read.

“you don’t know how much of a reader I am, so the fact that it took me a lot of an effort to get into it will mean little, but I can assure you that with all that was going on, it would have been better if I would have helped out with the rest a bit more. Even just making sure you were alright would have taken something off the minds of Kathie and Len.”

Then as Rachel continued to look at her blankly Tamara smiled gently at her. “I’ll let you go now Rachel, I think you have enough to think on for a little while, but I’ll leave you with this last thought.

“Firstly, that it would seem to be a good idea if we sorted you out with some coping strategies of your own, and secondly that you do not have to do this alone. If you want to have a think about it, and I’ll see you at the usual time?”

Rachel smiled at her. Things didn’t seem much easier, but it looked like she had just received a promise of help, and from someone who was well placed to understand her. That was very good. And, though this session had not been amongst the easiest, it would be nice to see Tamara twice in the one week, besides the time in the class room.

Suddenly Tamara looked at the time, and laughed across at her. “Now, madam, Lets see if we can head off to class, and lets see if you can keep your attention on History this time!”

Rachel just laughed. It felt good to know that Tamara was happy to go over to the class with her, and she was right, her attention had been wandering a little during class time recently.

With that they gathered their things together and left the room, each smiling because they knew that the other understood perhaps slightly more easily than the rest of the people in the school.


Chapter – After the interview: Tamara

Tamara sighed wearily as she walked from the last class of the day. It had been a long and rather difficult day. She had forgotten how tiring an in-depth discussion of motivations could be. Well, it had been a while since she had had one, and the last time she had been on the receiving end. It was almost more tiring when you were the one firing the questions she decided. She didn’t know how she had managed to get through the next 2 hours of the day, when she had classes.

After that came lunch though, and the staff had an arrangement with Matron about mealtimes for those times when they just needed to eat elsewhere. So, that being the case she went to visit the lady, and said that she would prefer to eat in the staff room rather than the diner hall.

This wasn’t too unusual, as some of the staff worked during lunch, and preferred to do it in the quiet comfort of the staff room. However Tamara knew that she had to push herself to do certain things, and took most of her meals with the girls.

She had requested that Gwynneth double check with her if she ever came to her asking for this privilege. However on this occasion Gwynneth could see that she was right to at least take the meal out. She couldn’t leave it at that however. “Tamara, you are more than welcome to have your meal in the staff room. However I should warn you that there is a bit of a convention taking place in the staff room at the moment, you might want to have it in your office this time?”

She knew that Tamara wouldn’t let herself have it in her bedroom, but the office was a chance – the head ate in hers often enough after all. Tamara paused and considered, this was something new, and she didn’t know just how to handle it. The dinner hall was probably a bit much today, and she knew that the staff room would be even worse with the convention thing taking place in there. She had experienced one before, and never wished to do so again.

However, it wasn’t right that she hide herself away from everyone, that was not a good thing to do, it was bad for her to do that! If she did, there was always the chance that she would come to the stage of not attending meals at all. And how could she talk to Rachel about finding things difficult if she didn’t push herself. She wouldn’t be able to deal with life at school if she didn’t keep on pushing herself to do better.

Matron was just about to interfere when she suddenly looked up. “I’ll go into the dinner hall then Matron, Thankyou.” Gwynneth looked at her quietly, there was a finality to the tones which told her that there was no point in arguing with her, though she did try and suggest that some time on her own would be good after that. Tamara nodded, and left, leaving Gwynneth well aware that if something else came up, Tamara would deal with that before she dealt with giving herself the rest she so desperately needed.



Chapter – after the interview: Rachel

Tamara had gone to sit next to Len, and when that lady had been about to ask her how she was she requested that they leave that for the present. Len had looked rather surprised at this, but at Tamara’s asking her about Ashley, she began to tell her the things Ashley had been up to over the last few days.

Tamara smiled at this, because a lot of this she already knew, but it was useful to have anything to distract her. Gwynneth was also very close to the pair of them, and she smiled in satisfaction, Tamara was going to be too absorbed with Len’s chatter for her to stress at the noise, for the girls were worse than usual tonight.

Suddenly Joanne was next to Tamara. “Miss Darleigh, would you please come. Rachel refuses to come anywhere near the dinner hall.” Len was about to intervene, but Tamara stopped her, while Gwynneth looked on, feeling rather concerned. “No, Len, I have to – Rachel needs someone who knows exactly what this is like. She needs me to help her.” With that she left the room, leaving Len and Gwynneth looking at each other. It was all very well saying that Rachel needed help, but Tamara didn’t even seem to realise that she might be needed more later on, and it would be better for her to withdraw a little so she could give Rachel what she needed then.

However, neither of them knew what the scene Tamara came upon was like. The girls were clustered about Rachel each one trying in their own way to either comfort, or encourage her.

Tamara forgot about how tired she was as she as she surveyed the scene. “Girls, what do you think you are doing?” They all looked up to see who was talking to them. Then Sally spoke “We’re just trying to get Rachel to come with us to the dinner hall Miss Darleigh, come On Rachel”

Tamara surveyed her most disapprovingly as Rachel’s voice answered “leave me alone. I’m not coming.”

“Well, can you not take no for an answer Sally?” Tamara asked her icily. Sally looked at her in surprise, she had never seen Miss Darleigh in such a mood before.

“Girls, come away from her now.” Tamara’s voice rang out and the girls scattered. “Now you will all go and eat, and I hope this will be the last I hear about this.” Then her voice softened, though she still spoke seriously. “Girls, I know you wanted to help, but with a girl like Rachel, it was heading on for bullying.”

The girls flinched at this, but couldn’t argue as they looked back and saw the weeping huddled child they had left behind them. “But Miss Darleigh, what should we have done?” Tanya wanted to know. “You should have come to find me or one of the other teachers. That is what Joanne did” Tamara informed her quietly “Even Matron would have been better” and the girls smiled uncertainly before she sighed at them all “Look girls, off you go, I need to deal with Rachel now.”

Then as Joanne hesitated she smiled at her. “Thank you Joanne, you have been a big help, but it really would be better if you would slip off as well, though if you would like to let Matron know that I’ll probably be bringing this silly child up to her own room in a few minutes that would be great.”

Joanne smiled gratefully at her, before leaving the room, and Tamara watched her leave the room before walking quietly over to the girl and just stand above her, looking down at her, and praying for the wisdom to know what to do next.

Chapter – sorting out Rachel

After a few seconds Tamara sat down on the ground next to Rachel. She had made no sign of knowing that there was anyone with her, and Tamara felt it best just to let her cry uninterrupted for a bit.

As she sat down however, some noise must have caught the girls’ ears as she looked up. She had apparently taken in little of what had so recently passed in the room, as she seemed surprised that Tamara was there, and then, looking round, she saw that the other girls were not there. She just sat there in silence for a few minutes, savouring the silence, and the space around her.

Eventually though, she had to comment. “Where are they?” She asked, looking straight at Tamara for the first time since she entered the room. “I sent them to go and get some food” Tamara said, as if this situation wasn’t normal. “Well, I couldn’t have 4 girls miss their meal for the sake of making another eat when it’s clearly the last thing she wants to do!”

Rachel seemed to relax a little as she took in that it seemed unlikely that Tamara would say much to her about her not turning up at the dinner hall. Then she looked up at her “You’re nice” she stated quietly.

Tamara had to stifle a giggle at this most unexpected comment, “Thank you Rachel” she then responded quietly. Rachel obviously heard something that Tamara hadn’t realised was obvious, for she continued “Well, you have just accepted finding me here like this, and you haven’t said a word about me eating or anything.”

Tamara smiled gently at the girl, “I would like to know a bit more of what it was about though Rachel – does the food taste that bad?” She would have been most surprised if Rachel had told her it was that, but this time she was right, it was nothing to do with that and Rachel greeted the question with a chuckle.

“No! As if I’d bother about the taste of the food. Apart from the things which I just don’t like, I’m quite good about eating food however indifferent it might be. And it appears that here there is a miracle that I’ve seen in no other school kitchens – you have a cook who can turn out consistently nice tasting and healthy food, which makes you want to eat it. Just like home cooking!”

Tamara smiled gently at that – she knew well that the succession of cooks were very well paid, and expected to be up to a very high standard so that staff and students alike could have reasonable meals like their parents expected them to have.

“Well what was it then Rachel.” Rachel looked at her stubbornly for a moment and she continued. “Well, you could choose not to tell me, and we might end up with this situation in another week’s time, or you could tell me, and we could try to organize some other way of getting you somewhere you could eat without feeling like that.”

Then as Rachel looked at her in surprise she continued “It was the dinner hall, wasn’t it Rachel? The number of girls in there, and the crowds bringing up the noise levels?” As the girl looked at her in shocked amazement she stated quietly “Oh I get it myself you silly girl! That comes with AS, it’s part of the package. You remember what we were talking about this morning?”

Rachel did indeed remember, Miss Darleigh had told her that she often found crowds difficult. Well, she didn’t remember the exact words she had used, but she had tried to remind Rachel that she found similar situations difficult at times.”

“Oh, this is just like the Heidihutte!” she exclaimed eventually. “You have chosen the right way yet again, and I have done the wrong thing!” she said it evenly, but at that Tamara knew that she couldn’t let it rest like that.

“Not at all you silly girl! In fact, to be completely honest with you, I should probably have been better to avoid it altogether this time about. I didn’t, I chose to eat in the hall, and I got Len to distract me. She had only just begun telling me a bit about Ashley when Joanne came in.

“I’ll never be able to explain to them how relieved I was to have a reason to escape from that place. It was unbearable, and neither of us are going to go anywhere near it again today.” She spoke with a finality which irritated Rachel, even as it reassured her. Tamara had had the chance to choose to do it, and now she was calmly making Rachel’s decisions for her. Ok, she hadn’t wanted to go near there in the first place, but that didn’t matter in the slightest.

Tamara continued what she was saying, unaware of the irritation which was building up in her young companion. “Gwynneth was suggesting that I eat in my office, I’d hardly started to eat, so we could both eat there together.” Then she paused, thinking about what she had said. “If you would like of course.” She finished with a smile, and Rachel smiled in relief feeling that small amount of irritation vanish. This she could accept.

It sounds good to me Miss Darleigh” she stated with a smile, and Gwynneth, who was watching from the door by this point whisked off to fetch some food to them both, and to reassure Len that Tamara was alright at present.

Last edited by Squirrel on Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#4:  Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:54 pm

Post 4

Chapter - The end of the day

Gwynneth had slipped out of the room quickly enough to have the lights on in Tamara’s office, and the fire crackling away merrily. Tamara realised what had happened as soon as she entered, and was relieved, as she didn’t want to leave Rachel in this state, but they both needed to eat.

Soon Matron herself arrived with some food, and she brought Tessa, one of the maids that both Rachel and Tamara got on well with, to carry the second tray. Tamara smiled at them both, before thanking Tessa for bringing the tray along for them. She thanked Gwynneth as well, but that was more of a general thanks, she knew that neither Rachel nor she herself would get away from Gwynneth before they were safely tucked up between the sheets.

Part of her thought that this was a good idea, but part of her also said that they should be able to stay up if they wanted to. It wasn’t good for Rachel in particular to be babied too much – not if she was to manage in the real world when she left boarding school. That was important whether or not she went to university after leaving school.

Tamara made up her mind to talk to Matron about her way of sending them to bed at anything, and decided that it might be a good idea to see if Rachel herself could be brought to the stage where she could weigh up the situation and decide if it was better for her to stay up and push herself altogether, to stay up and do gentle things which wouldn’t tax her too much, or if it was the time to lye down and rest.

Gwynneth seemed to think that bed rest was the only option if you were that tired, but it wasn’t always the best thing – it could disrupt sleeping at nights for one thing – Tamara had first hand experience of that, and it was not all that old either.

Suddenly she surprised herself with a question. “What’s up Rachel?” The girl started and looked up at her. There was a few minutes silence and then the girl spoke. “Do you really trust me so little?” She asked quietly.

Tamara looked at her and didn’t know what to say. “How does it seen that I distrust you Rachel?” she asked in the end. The girl sighed and then spoke “All this”. “You are here, Matron is here, Is not one of you enough? Do you feel that one of you can’t cope with me, or do you think that I will run away from you and you will need a runner to bring me back again?”

Tamara was shocked at the thoughts that were running through the girls head. Where on earth did this come from? She thought for a moment before answering. The truth was the only option here.

“Rachel, I don’t know where on earth you got that idea from, but I can assure you that it is not the case. To be perfectly truthful, I imagine that Matron would not have stayed here, but for the fact that she is worried. Yes, she is a little concerned about you, but I think she is possibly even more concerned about me. I think she wants to see me off to bed really soon.”

Rachel looked at her in surprise. “But why?” Tamara smiled at her and laughed gently. “Because she feels that I am worn out. She feels that I needed to take a break before we knew that you were having a difficult time, so she wanted me to take life quietly, and she doesn’t feel that I am doing it.”

Rachel looked at her, her thoughts completely distracted from herself at that moment. “I suppose you do look rather tired”. She admitted.

“Oh I am tired, but I’ll get over it. I’m used to things of different kinds tiring me, I just need to learn when to decide to pull back a bit, and when I can give a little more without it hurting me too badly.

“And that is something that you have to learn. Rachel, why didn’t you tell me that mealtimes were an issue?” Rachel looked at her, and then suddenly words burst from her

”Oh you don’t understand, it’s like there is never anything which can be done easily. Every little thing is an effort, and there is never any let up. Mealtimes happen every day, like lessons and staying in the common room. There is always something difficult to deal with. I want rid of this thing, I just can’t stand it!”

Tamara looked at her, her heart going out to this young girl. “Oh Rachel, oh Rachel. I think I do understand my dear. If I didn’t have ‘this thing’ as you have called it, I wouldn’t be feeling the way I am now. I would probably be in the staff room right now, spending time with other teachers in the staff room – we have visitors in whom I would love to meet. I’m not doing that, because I know that it would tire me so that I’d not be fit to do anything tomorrow.

“I’m sitting here with you, because, like you, the events of today have taken so much out of me that I can’t take all that much more, and though I might like to be with my colleagues, I know that this ‘everyday’ thing would just make me more tired.

“Having said that, I attended lunch, regardless of the fact that it was the last thing I wanted to do, because I felt it was the right thing for me to do. I know that Matron here disagreed with me, but as it was ultimately my decision, she didn’t interfere when I had taken it.”

Then Tamara took a decision that she knew Matron would probably really disapprove of. “Rachel, you have a decision to make tonight. You know how tired you are, and how much you didn’t want to go to the dinner hall. Matron would probably rather that you have an early bed.

“I’m not going to tell you to do one thing or the other, but here are your choices – you can go into the common room with the others until bedtime, you can go to bed, or you can go to your room and amuse yourself quietly until the bell rings. What would You prefer to do?”

Tamara held her breath, which one would Rachel choose, she knew which one she felt was best, and would probably appeal most to a girl of Rachel’s age, but that didn’t mean anything. Sometimes Tamara had felt that when she was making decisions the fact that one appealed to her meant that she had to carefully consider before choosing what to do. It was like the fact it appealed to her meant she had to work hard to find a reason why she should not take that option.

Rachel paused a moment and allowed herself to think. “Ok,” she said eventually “I think I’ll spend the hours between now and bedtime in my room, but I’ll not go to bed. Permission to use the computer Tamara?”

Tamara smiled at her, she supposed that she wasn’t really talking to Rachel as a teacher now. “Yes of course Rachel, just remember and go to bed when the bell rings though.” She reminded her.

The girl smiled, and the meal continued, and Matron looked at the pair of them. It seemed like she would have to rethink her ideas about what was best for them a little more. Things seemed to be changing quite a bit at the present time, but she could put up with that.

Then she remembered that Kathie Ferrars had ended up with 4 girls from Rachel’s class to deal with. They had been very upset, and she had got little from them barring that it was to do with Rachel. Matron thought she would just slip along and see how Kathie was getting on with them.


Chapter – sorting out the other girls

Kathie had been horrified when the four girls trooped in, in tears. “What’s up Sally?” she asked her quickly. She wasn’t able to make out all they said, but she caught enough to hear the words “Miss Darleigh…. Bullying….” And that was enough to set her mind whirring. Barring Sally who could be a nasty customer when she chose, not one of those girls was prone to bullying, and Tamara must have needed her head looked at to throw those words at them.

“Now calm down girls, I don’t know what the story is about, but if Miss Darleigh accused you of bullying she must have had some reason for it.” She reminded them, though her heart sank as she thought about what reason Tamara could possibly give for this. Was it possible that she had let her tiredness overcome her, and she had thrown irrational accusations at the girls? If that was the case she would have to advise that Tamara was requested to relinquish her position.

Just then Joanne came up to her. “Miss Ferrars, may I explain the background behind this?” Much as it felt wrong allowing one girl to interfere in the lives of others she could see no way of working around this in any other way, and they were training the girls to be thoughtful, so Kathie took the decision to let her do as she suggested.

“Very well Joanne, go ahead” The girl smiled hesitantly, the slight chill in the mistresses tones stopping her from her usual easygoing flow of language. “Well, you see, the bell went for abendessen, and we all began to line up” she started, and having started she found the words begin to come to her again.

“Suddenly Tanya noticed that Rachel wasn’t lining up as usual. She was looking very pale, and frightened, and she went over to see what was wrong. All she got out of Rachel was the fact that she wasn’t coming to the dinner hall with the rest of us. This brought Sally and the other 2 over to see if they could do anything about it. At my suggestion the rest went off to the hall, leaving me and the others with Rachel.

“They were crowding round her, and trying to convince her to tell them what was up, or at least come with the rest of us to the dinner hall. Rachel flipped completely, and got very upset. I ended up leaving the room for a bit as I went to get Miss Darleigh to help.

“She asked the others to come away from Rachel, and told them that for a girl like Rachel, this kind of thing, though it was attempting to be helpful, was actually closer to bullying. Miss Ferrars, oh if only you had seen her, you would have seen what Miss Darleigh was getting at. It wasn’t too harsh, not really!

“the girls are so upset because they know how valid a comment it was. When they looked back and saw Rachel huddled up on the floor, doing her best to get away from them, in tears herself, they knew for the first time what it would be like to have someone terrified of them.

“though admittedly Rachel isn’t frightened of each one individually, when they get together in a group like that, it terrifies her”. Then Joanne stopped, and wriggled uncomfortably. “That’s all really. Miss Darleigh sent us all back to the hall, and asked that I send Matron to them, and that was that.”

Kathie Ferrars was relieved that someone like Joanne should have been present to give her a clearer picture of what had happened at the time. This was what she had needed, or she wouldn’t have been able to deal with the girls properly.

“I see, thank you Joanne. That makes everything much clearer. Now girls, stop this silly crying, and go and have something to eat. Miss Darleigh wasn’t telling you that you were bullies, just that you needed to watch your behaviour around Rachel.” She paused as she watched them move on

“Go on, dry your eyes, and I’ll get Beth to bring you something to eat, you could do with it all of you. You’ll feel a lot better then.” She assured them. “In the morning I’ll ask Miss Darleigh, or perhaps Matron or Mrs Entwistle would be better, to explain to you why that kind of behaviour around Rachel could be interperated as bullying. But you are to stop worrying about it tonight, alright?” she questioned them.

Even as they nodded in acceptance of this Matron walked into the room. “Ah, Gwynneth, what excellent timing. Would you mind seeing these silly girls to the splashary? They are to wash their faces and then come back here for something proper to eat. I think they would then benefit from a quiet night, but you must decide about that of course.” She finished, and then left the room quickly, leaving the girls to Matrons tender mercies.

Chapter – worries at night

Both Tamara and Rachel had avoided bed due to Tamara’s quick words to Rachel while Matron was still in the room. She had soon returned to them after dealing with the girls, and had watched protectively in the background as they both went up to their rooms. Rachel avowed her plans to go on Messenger and chat to her friends in the UK – a treat she only got every so often – and Tamara was going to send a few e-mails and then choose a book to read.

Just before she left them too it, Matron mentioned to Tamara about the way the girls had been, and Tamara had stated that as long as Len was with her to make sure that anything she might not explain well enough was made clear to them, she agreed to talk to them in the morning.

Later, when she was trying to sleep that night, she began to regret that she had made any commitment at all. Her mind kept buzzing about what she was going to say. Of course, she knew that it would have made little difference whether or not she had agreed to it, as soon as she had heard about it, she would have started to worry about possibly doing it.

When she had thought for a while – “perhaps I could say this, or no, that doesn’t sound right… Maybe I could put it this way… But they wouldn’t quite get that… Or what about that … Oh no, it’s too personal…” Eventually she stopped and tried to take her mind in hand. It wasn’t on! The night was for sleeping in, not worrying about tomorrow. The thought reminded her of a story by Helen Mellincost, the first part didn’t interest her too much, but the middle spoke right into her situation and the end was just what she needed to hear. She jumped out of bed and went over to her book case, where she had a book with the piece in it, and then she read it again:

"I was regretting the past and fearing the future. Suddenly God was speaking: "My name is I am." I waited and God continued:

"When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I was.

“When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I will be.

“When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here. My name is I am."

“Yes” she said to herself “I am, not I will be, not I was - I am.” Then she moved quickly over to her computer and opening up a word document she wrote down how she was feeling, and what she was thinking, and most importantly the piece “My name is ‘I Am’” and then she shut it all down again and went back to bed, there to rest quietly until the rising bell rang in the morning and she got up to face the new day.

But even as she went about and got ready to organize a time to meet up with the girls, those words were still with her. “My name is ‘I AM’”

Chapter – talking to the girls.

Soon Tamara sent a request round to have the girls meet with her in her office after breakfast, it would be as well to get it over with, she decided.

Tanya looked rather scared at the summons, she was of a slightly nervous disposition due to the accident she had been involved in, and the fear about what that might mean to her relationship with Sally.

That had all come right in the end, and she had gained a better friend, if one who was rather all embracing through it. However, she had begun to found a friendship with Rachel, and the sight of her on the floor like that when they had only been trying to help her had truly frightened the poor girl.

In the end, she would have avoided going, but for Sally, pulling her along with her, hardly even realising there was a problem. Joanne looked at her a few times, but seeing a questioning look on her face Tanya had become even shyer than she usually was.

Tamara had psyched herself up for meeting the girls, and she was ready for anything they could throw at her. Or at least she thought she was. That was until she saw Tanya’s face though, the girl was close to tears. How was she to deal with this one? Tan obviously needed an extra little bit of support even to get through this talk, but with the other girls around, would she accept it.

If Sally would just take on her protective sister act all would be well, but sally didn’t seem to realise that this was needed today. Tamara felt her mind going all over the place, but then she stopped. She was the adult, there was no one else there who was able to take this decision for her, not even Len who would have been able to guide her a little if she had been with them. She needed to take this in hand and make a decision now.

No matter what Tanya might feel, it was probably better not to let her suffer even until she could talk to the rest of the girls and get them out the way, with Sally, Joanne or any of the rest of them she would have considered it, but Tanya was like Rachel, she needed the extra support. So she smiled at them all slightly and started to issue her instructions.

“Welcome girls, please don’t worry, you’re not about to be given a row, I just need to explain one or two things to you that is all. It will stop what was a rather nasty situation for all involved occurring again.”

Immediately the group relaxed a little, and holding out a hand Tamara spoke again. “Tanya, you come and sit beside me,” And then as the girl hurriedly moved across the room to take hold of the pro-offered hand she requested that the others “pull up a seat, wherever you feel comfortable”.

Then she began to talk, and to talk with such effect that the girls began to understand just why it was so difficult for Rachel to be in that position, and agreed that they would do their best, as her closest friends in the school, to make sure that something of the sort would not happen again.

Chapter – the staff hear the news

It was only as she was walking along to her classroom and noticed her hands were shaking, again, that she realised how stressful she had found that situation. It was silly, but she admitted to herself that some parts of her job were very stressful. It was a pity she couldn’t exactly stop right now; she had a class to teach.

After the class was over, she went to the staffroom to see what was happening. She hadn’t been in for a while, and it was time for a catch up. The room was more or less completely full, and everyone was sitting to attention, rather than gathered in little chummeries as they usually were.

This unusually still staffroom unnerved Tamara slightly, and she took a step back as she took it all in. What on earth was happening? Len happened to look up at this time, and tried to smile naturally at her, she was feeling just a bit nervous herself. “Come on in Tamara, I thought you were the head there!” she told her with a grin.

This explained matters to Tamara somewhat – Hilda was coming to the staffroom, obviously about something official. She went in and took a seat, but she didn’t have time to ask Len what was happening, as Hilda swept in behind her and smiled at them all before starting.

“Welcome, all of you, I won’t keep you long. I know that you will all want to know the results of the interviews for the job of the next headmistress. After much deliberation Nell and I have decided that the best option is to have Kathy Ferrars take over, with Len as her deputy until her family are old enough for her to take on work of a more demanding nature.

“Len, Nell and I want you to know that we fully approve of some of your long term plans for the school. Though you would have to be sure that you are certain that the people you have in mind to take on the positions created are right for them, they are rather special positions, and we are already in a rather special position, being a girls only boarding school, with our own particular ethos. Finding the correct staff for important roles has always been tricky. If you feel you can fill the positions from within our ranks so to speak that would probably be the best option.”

With that she left the room, leaving the rest of the staff room gasping as to what her comments to Len might have meant.

Chapter – Len’s secret

Thanks to Hilda’s last comments the staffroom was diverted from the question of the headship. She had heard that there had been one or two comments about people getting the post, folks saying it was a stitch up and that Len would be sure to get the job due to her connection with the school.

Truth be told, Len hadn’t even applied for the post of Head, she had felt that her family commitments were too big at that time for her to take on anything else. She had gone for the post of deputy, and had admitted to Hilda that there was a reason she would like to take such a back-up post, especially with the opportunity to go part time when she wished. That time would come, and it wasn’t too far in the future now.

When Hilda left there was a stunned silence for a while, then there was a hubbub as the staff suddenly realised that the person they needed to tackle about proposed changes was sitting in front of them.

Len laughed, and then seeing that they were not giving anyone a chance to be heard she shot a swift glance at Tamara, who had her fingers in her ears. She tapped her on the shoulder and stuck her fingers in her mouth. The girl’s eyes widened, then she nodded her head and departed from the room, enough was enough.

When she was safely away Len let out a piercing whistle she had learned long ago from her mother. The assembled women looked up in surprise. “Did you Really have to do that Len?” Asked Sophia.

Len looked at her cautiously. Sophia was a strange creature, and even Tamara said that she had changed a lot from when she had first known her. “Now I don’t know if I would see anything in her” she commented quietly to Len one day, “But she was good to me while I was at Uni, and I guess I don’t want to drop her, even though she is rather unusual.”

At any rate, the question had to be answered and Len smiled sweetly at her before responding “Well, you were already so noisy that you had driven Tamara from the room! How on earth was anyone to answer any of your questions? You lot can be worse than the girls on occasion.”

This honest statement, put matter of factly, and with the twinkle of teasing in it, got Len a cushion thrown at her and an “Oh all right granny!” from Gretchen, who was a close friend of Felicity. Len smiled at her, chuckling herself, before responding. “It’s all right you ‘grannying’ me of course young lady! Now, if you young things really don’t have anything sensible to say I might just slip out and make sure that Tamara is alright!” And before the stunned staff had a chance to take in what she was saying she left the room, making for Tamara’s inner sanctuary.

When she had gone, the staff suddenly woke up to what had happened. “How on earth did she do that?” asked Mary Lawson in surprise. Then as realisation of the situation dawned on the rest of the staff room, they all started giggling. All barring Sophia who sat looking on, smiling in a disconcerting fashion.

Chapter – breaking the news to Tamara

Len moved quickly when she left the staff room, she had succeeded in escaping without having to answer too many questions, well, any, she reflected. She could understand just *why* Hilda had left things like that, she wanted a good atmosphere in the staffroom, rather than the negative one which had been building up so quickly, and she and Nell were actually working past their retirement date. Well, having worked so long, that wasn’t such a surprise really.

The fact of the matter was that these women would probably only be affected very little by the changes coming in at least 10 years time. Well, it looked like being 10 years time, perhaps they would start to gradually implement them sooner than that. Kathie had also been in the room, if she wanted, she could act upon this statement. Perhaps it was time to talk to Tamara about it all.

Tamara had the study rather dark, and there were a few candles scattered about the place. She also had some music on, and Len realised that she had and probably would be needing something to relax her. That was something she had forgotten to factor in when coming along here, but she had to give her the warning, it was necessary now.

Tamara smiled when Len came in. “Turn the light on will you Len?” she asked her, sensing that there was more to this visit than might have met the eye. Len did as she was asked, and then turned to face Tamara again.

She didn’t say anything, not at first, and Tamara looked at her for a few minutes, wondering where to start – Len had sought this meet up, she should be the one to get the ball rolling, but Len was looking about as comfortable as Tan had been when she had been called to that meeting earlier on in the day. Perhaps she could make a guess at a place to start, and Len could continue from there.

“You got them to shut up in the end then?” she laughed a little at that and Len joined her. “Yes, and I even escaped without answering a single question!” she informed her with a grin. Tamara smiled at that, the staff were like magpies of knowledge sometimes; they had to know all about it, preferably yesterday.

Tamara decided against asking any questions herself, not that she wasn’t interested, but changes Len was talking about bringing in when she became Head wasn’t going to impact on her much at this moment. Those changes could be dealt with when they turned up.

However, it seemed that Len wanted to talk about them as she smiled and continued saying “It’s not really that some of it will impact on them. One of them definitely won’t, as I simply want to get Matron some more help, give her the kind of job she has always wanted, and give the bulk of the boring jobs to other people.

“There is one other change linked with it.” Tamara looked at her, wondering why Len didn’t seem to be completely comfortable. “I want to open the school up to more children with extra needs. We took Rachel on more or less as an experiment, and by and large it has worked. I plan on having a department with people who specialise in the different difficulties, and I guess it would have its own prospectus. It would be part of the school, and the mistresses would have to get used to teaching these girls, but they have done well with Rachel, so it shouldn’t be too difficult.”

Tamara looked at her and then spoke “You’d probably have to have people who could support these girls in class. One girl like Rachel is just about live with able, but you would have to make sure that no one class got too many in it at a time, or the staff just couldn’t cope. Some of them might need people to take their notes for them, and you would have to update on technology.

“I’m not sure of the exact thing’s you would have to do for those with physical difficulties – take off compulsory sport to begin with, but there would be more, and how to do that without having them taking no exercise at all. There would be a lot to it, but I guess that you would get there.”

Len looked at her with respect. “Thank you, that is exactly what I was hoping for. Tamara, you heard the head, we need to get the most senior positions filled from within. We need to provide these girls with all they need from morning until night, dealing with travelling, and progressing through the years, aiding their progression so that those who can get to university may do it.

“You are the only one of us, barring Matron who already has enough to do, who knows half enough about it. Will you take on the responsibility of building up this department?”

Tamara looked at her as if she was mad. “My dear Len, do you know all that is involved in such a job, because I’m sure I’m not, and I’ve had rather more to do with support departments than most people – you forget, I’ve been on the wrong side of the fence there to know enough about it.”

Len looked at her quietly “But you could talk to people, we would train you, and at first it would just start off by you being like head of department for a few staff – very much like what you were dealing with as head of history. You managed that, you can manage this.

“Its years in the future anyway, think about it?”

Tamara agreed that she would at least think about it, and Len decided that there was little more she could do about it, they hadn’t discussed the other thing she had been thinking of, but enough was enough at a time.

Chapter -

Tamara was left gasping as Len left the room. Her, take on a department, and such and important one at that! She could hardly take it in. How was she to even think about setting it up? What on earth would she need?

Her mind was about to start racing again, so she got out a pad and paper and wrote down a list of things which occurred to her.

• Ask for a meeting with people at different universities to see what they would have us do to prepare girls at boarding school for modern universities
• Have meetings with schools – both state and private – who have already got initiatives of this kind started up
• Meet up with people who know different types of disability to see exactly what kinds of support they need.

And so her list went on, mainly full of different people she would have to meet up with, different opinions she would have to get before taking any decisions. Then her mind went on to space. She made notes of things for the use of girls with extra needs – things like extra small dormitories, not too much decoration – especially for those who were on the autistic spectrum – having doors modified so that wheelchairs could get in easily enough, making upstairs, and the building in general accessible to people with mobility problems...

Then she went on to staff to pupil ratios which would be different to that of the girls they already had in the school. As she looked at her list she realised that they were going to bring about a huge difference in the school at large. How could she be the one to head it all up? There was no way she could do anything of the sort!

She wasn’t qualified, and she kept trying to tell Len that over the next few weeks. Sure, she had supported Rachel, but she wasn’t qualified to build up a completely new department. It was all just too big for her.

Len merely smiled at her and reminded her that she wouldn’t be expected to deal with it all herself, naturally she would employ qualified staff to deal with the girls, and she would get help to do that. Tamara wasn’t convinced, but had to give it up, especially as Len asked her to hold her judgement until she had been on a training course in the summer.

Tamara agreed with that – Kathie had already cleared it with Len as she began to take up the reigns to give Hilda and Nell some time to relax and get used to the idea that they would not be working after the Christmas holidays.

Len was doing the play this year, to give Kathie the chance to do that, and Nancy was doing a lot with Jo, helping her to get the house ready for them all to move into. It had been many a long year since some of the rooms had been looked at other than to keep them water proof and in generally good form, now they were being redone, ready for their new inhabitants.

Rachel was getting on alright as well, she had a minor part in the play, and that suited her well enough as it meant she didn’t have to worry about learning too many lines. She was taking part in the chorus, and she was a good enough singer. In fact, Mr Denny had long ago marked her out as one to be carefully trained over her next few years at the school.

At that time however she didn’t have to worry about it, she was able to take things easy, and get used to the way that the school produced their plays – though the girls reminisced about the Millies pantomimes.

“They had their last one a few years ago” Sally told her one day when the subject came up. “It was alright, but it wasn’t as good as some of them.

“That was Ellie’s fault, though no-one would have told her so!” Tan returned quietly. “She *would* keep on telling the punch line before the rest of the joke!” Then she turned round to Rachel and explained. “They had this one girl at Millies that year who had a terrible memory for rhyme or rhythm, so she couldn’t get her lines quite right.

“She insisted on taking on one of the most comic parts, and unfortunately, she learned her lines the wrong way around, so that some quite good jokes were rendered useless.

“No one said anything much about it, because she tried so hard, and did her best with it, and in the end, after she left the school; no one had the heart to continue anymore.”

Joanne added a little to it by reminding them that Millies only had about 10 pupils that year. “And they have even less now, so it’s hardly surprising that they are amalgamating with us after Christmas.” She said, hoping to change the subject.

It was Rachel who gave her a hand, without even realising it. “So what difference will that make to the school?” she asked, half nervously.

And in the rush of everyone trying to tell her that it would be great as all the girls were fantastic, and that the few who they wouldn’t want were not coming back after Christmas, the girls forgot about the pantomimes. Rachel didn’t look convinced, and the pantomimes were to come up again, but in quite a different vein, so Joanne won the point which was most important to her, and Ellie was forgotten by Rachel, and all the other girls who had arrived at the school since she had left.

Um, yes, all here now. Hmmm - perhaps a bit too much up at a time? Embarassed

 

#5:  Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 2:13 am

Have just done a reread, Squirrel - it was good to have a think about all of this again.

 

#6:  Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 4:01 pm

I just found another 2 chapters of this saved to the comp I have here. Just as well I didn't try to continue from where I stopped there then. So, repost 2!

Chapter

Rachel was sitting in her room, just looking at her screen saver. Sometimes she was able to use even that to work out how she was feeling as different styles seemed to have different meanings. At that moment she was using the one which told her most about herself – a word bouncing all over the place.

Sometimes she just used the word “bounce” and she knew that was because it reminded her about the phrase “bouncing off the walls”. She had come to the conclusion that when it was bouncing off the walls she was rather stressed out.

Just now however it was set to “idea” and that was because she was “bouncing an idea around”. She was at present, because there were several ideas floating about in her head – the first was that it was now very close to the end of her first term here.

In some ways she couldn’t believe she hadn’t attended the school since she was in primary school, in others she was amazed at the good luck she had had arriving when she did. To such wonderful teachers who were perfectly situated to help her.

Tamara would have told her that this thing had happened to her, and more, that she believed it happened to everyone who tried to follow God’s plan for their life. She would have called it guidance more than luck, God working in the lives of His children to bring all things out for good – even the difficult things, even those things which seemed devastating at first. They all had their good sides, each and every one of them, if you knew where to look.

Rachel didn’t ponder this too long however, so she never ended up going to see Tamara. She had had a strange dream the night before, where she had met up with 2; younger Miss Annersley’s and 3 different Miss Wilsons, and 3 Matey’s! She felt sure that her head was playing tricks on her, though she had met lots of different people as well.

Miss Darleigh had been with her, as had Mrs Entwhistle. The latter had flashed a chummy grin at a girl who had been introduced as Robin Humphries. This girl had been wearing unusual clothing, but though it looked unusual Rachel thought she might like to wear something similar at some point.

She had also met up with another girl who was quite a bit older than her, Tessa. Tessa was a former head girl of the school, or so she had told Rachel – in the dream she hadn’t looked any older than a school girl.

It was this girl Tessa who had set her the challenge. She was to write a story based on a mother’s love. As she thought about it, she remembered the love of her own dear mother. She smiled softly to herself – while she cared deeply about her mother she wouldn’t have said she missed her.

There was too much to focus on right now for her to worry about where her mother was – and if there was the odd occasion when she missed her, there were so many others about her who could more than replace what she was missing – not least Joanne.

She sometimes wondered what her parents thought of her not being in touch more often – yes, of course there was the weekly letter, but for a school which had e-mail facilities and phone capabilities she was rarely in contact. She was quite happy with the level of contact she had with her parents.

They talked about being upset about it of course, she was put down as heartless occasionally, but she knew that deep down inside they understood why, and they made sure that she was aware of their love for her no matter what else happened.

She sighed, this wasn’t what she wanted to capture though. She knew that some people missed such love. Possibly their mother’s had died, or they had grown up with someone who either didn’t know how to show love, or who possibly didn’t think it mattered.

Those people had missed out on so much, and she was hoping that this story could bring comfort to any heart which called out “why didn’t you love me?” or even “why couldn’t you have lived longer so that I could have known you?” That was what she wanted, something to touch those hearts.

So she pondered and thought until she could see a way through. Then, when she had an idea she touched the mouse and drove the screensaver away regretfully. It might not come back for some time, but she would have a chance to enjoy and appreciate it when she didn’t have quite so much to fill her spare time – Joey would want to see this once she was done.

She had been requesting that Rachel spend a little time on new things when she was at school so that they would have some of her work to polish some Saturday mornings. They had spent a long time on some of Jo’s old manuscripts and she was beginning to get them published – “Josephine M. Bettany with Rachella West.”

Rachel didn’t quite understand why her name had been changed by Joey. That lady had just smiled at her and said that it gave her a freedom when she was a little older to strike out one way or another under whatever name she chose. That reasoning seemed rather odd to Rachel, but she didn’t really mind all that much so she didn’t complain. She might have done if she realized what Jo’s plans were for the future though.

She turned her thoughts from this strange phenomenon back on to the work she had at hand. “A mother’s love, by Rachel Westly.” She didn’t quite know what Jo would think of her using her own name, but when she was drawing up something it felt normal to put her own name on it. She was herself after all, not someone else.

“comfort for those who know not that joy”. She wasn’t quite sure if her subtitle was quite right, but it was alright for working with. Then, with the feeling of a young authoress of the past uncapping her inkpot and dipping her pen into it for the first time she settled down to write.

What she didn’t realize at the time was that the young authoress she was thinking of was her own dear Josephine Bettany as she started to write about the adventures of Cecily.


Chapter – “A mother’s love”

“Sarah was sitting on the couch, dreaming about what a mother must be like. She didn’t have one, hers died when she was just a young child, and her father had been terribly upset to loose her. Now he was less heart broken, but he was rarely home.

Sarah had fun with her father when he was home, and the aunt who kept house for them was kind enough. Somehow Sarah knew that she wasn’t a real mother though, and she dreamed about it often enough. Her mother’s arms about her, a hint of perfume as she passed through her parent’s room, those were the things she craved.

She longed for memories of love as she went about her day and came across things which reminded her of her Mum. All those things added up to so much for her, warmed her heart as she thought about them, but then left her cold as she had to admit that they were simply imaginings and had no bearing upon reality.

She sighed, and shook herself. After all, wishing wouldn’t make any difference. She forced herself to pause, and remember those who were worse off. There were the Betuley twins. Their mother was ill all the time, and they had to support her.

The twins never had anything new; they just couldn’t afford it, because their mother was so ill. Then there was Heather Clark. She came to school with bruises on her arms. She was shy about it, and never said anything, but Andy Roberts had said he could hear her mother shouting at her through the walls every night. And he talked about bumps and bangs occasionally as well. That set everyone talking.

Alright, her mother had been a lot kinder than that by all accounts, but she was far better with her aunt and father that she would have been with Heather’s family. And having to deal with all of that gossip on a daily basis must be so hard for the poor girl.

Sarah got up and got on with the next job. Her aunt might have been there to keep house for them, but she was expected to help out a fair bit as well. And when all that was done, she would have to get on with her homework. Then if she was lucky, she would have time for a bath as well. She smiled to herself – she might not have a mother, a real mother, but things were all right for her really.

Rachel left her tale, well aware that this was only the first section. She had a vague idea about how she would continue this on, but she wasn’t sure exactly what way she would take it yet. The next day would be Saturday, and she would take it with her to Jo’s to see what that lady thought about it.

Until she had time to do that, she went to talk with Joanne. She was full of the play, and it took Rachel a lot to understand why the other girls enjoyed it so. After a bit, she asked her about it.

“Joanne, why does the play mean so much to everyone, surely it’s just another thing which causes noise and mayhem in an already noisy school?”

Joanne looked at her for a moment while she thought about how on earth she could answer this. She was glad that she was on her own with Rachel when she asked this, as the others would have had a hard time keeping quiet after being asked something like that. They would have been appalled at the fact that Rachel felt that the main effect of their play had been to cause noise and mayhem.

“I think the thing is that it is not much to do with all that goes on in sorting it out.” She said slowly before continuing “Yes, it takes a lot of doing, and people make mistakes. The whole school does become rather play focussed, but it is in a good cause.”

She paused for a minute, considering how she might continue. It was obvious that Rachel hadn’t followed what she was talking about. Then she had an idea. “Rachel, were you with us when we had the big assembly with the juniors present, and the teachers read through the play?”

Rachel shook her head. “I was with Mrs Jo” she said quietly “She wanted me to go over and check up on something, and when I got back from that I had to go to the common room for a while.”

Joanne realized that she was skirting round the issue rather, and decided that she would let Rachel have her secrets with Jo Maynard if that was what she wanted. For a second time, she was rather pleased that she was on her own with the other girl.

“In that case, why don’t you ask if you could read over the script of the play? Then you could see what all of the madness was about.”

Rachel was about to decline, when Joanne suddenly laughed. “In fact, I have my copy here. I was going to read through it by myself anyway, so we can go over it together.”

Joanne didn’t give Rachel the chance to argue with her, and so she found herself sitting at the table with Joanne, reading through the play. Some of the scenes seemed vaguely familiar, others were more so, and some of them…

“Why, that’s my writing” she exclaimed, jumping up from her chair and knocking the thing over. Joanne looked at her in surprise – surely she couldn’t think that the play, which was written by Joey, had some of her writing in it.

Meanwhile, Rachel had picked up the manuscript and turned to the front page. There she soon found the authors name, and a quick inscription “Written by Josephine M. Bettany with Rachella west.”

She looked at it, stunned. Just why had Mrs Jo included her work in the play stuff without telling her. And there was that name again. She knew it meant her, but it didn’t feel like that. She would have to leave Joanne to it. She couldn’t read through the play now, not until she had asked Mrs Jo about it.

Joanne looked at her quietly. The other girl was rather white, and she was shaking. All at once Joanne was rather concerned about her. Here was something she couldn’t deal with on her own. It could be that Rachel was tired or something, but it could have been something altogether different, and if Rachel was ill, she wasn’t going to be told about letting infection loose in the school. Not with Matey around, that was for sure!

 

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