The CBB :: View topic - New Dreams (Part 7) 24/4

#1: New Dreams (Part 7) 24/4 Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 9:29 pm

I have posted here all of Part 7 (which will be part 9 in the archives Laughing

) which I had only just started - plus a new piece.

The nightmare crept in stealthily, furtive feet tiptoeing over her mind. Fear and despair and pain all crowded in. Mother Abbess, deep in prayer, heard the soft moans, saw the eyelids quivering, the vulnerable lips trembling, and sat there, alert and ready…..

She runs in from school, eager to tell her mother about her school day, looking forward to the companionable time they always share at the close of the afternoon, but for once her mother is not glad to see her daughter. Instead she turns away as she sees Hilda. Puzzled, Hilda stretches out her hand but her mother simply ignores her and walks away from her to the other end of the room. Then, to Hilda’s horror, she walks right through the wall there, disappearing from view. Hilda runs after her, ready to follow through the wall – but runs into solid brick.

“Mother!” she cries, tearing at the bricks with bare hands, blood running down her arms as she sobs wildly. Finally, the last brick falls and she tumbles through…..

……to find herself clinging to James, ready to walk up the gangplank with him, excited and happy that they are at last going to be together. But as he looks down at her, she sees that his hazel eyes are no longer merry, nor alive with laughter. They are full of scorn, his face impossibly angry, such as she had never seen. He grasps her by the shoulders.

“Where’s my ring?” he growls. “Why aren’t you wearing it?”

She stares up at him, surprised and hurt. “But why should I be wearing it, my darling? We’re not married yet. It’s here in my pocket, safe for when we reach India.” Her hand delves in, to find only emptiness. Appalled, she tries all her pockets, frantically scrabbling in her bag as well. Nothing!

He shakes her hard. “You’ve given it away, haven’t you? My grandmother’s ring, that you said you would always treasure. You don’t love me at all. How can we get married without a ring?”

Her hands cling to his, pleading. “I do love you, my darling, I love you so much. The ring is safe, I promise.”

Impatiently he thrusts her from him and turns away. “No, you can’t love me or you would still have the ring. And since you don’t love me you can’t come with me. I shall go alone and find someone there who will love me better than you do.”

He moves to the gangplank and in a panic she grabs his arm, trying to turn him round. “James! Don’t do this. I love you – I will always love you! Please take me with you.”

He shrugs her off and walks away up the gangplank. She tries desperately to follow him, but the sailors there refuse to let her set foot on the wooden walkway. She shrieks his name as he ducks his head and goes inside the ship. The next moment the ship is sailing away into a glorious sunset, leaving her standing there all alone, tears coursing down her cheeks as she watches.

Then, even as she stands there, the ship, suddenly and without warning, sinks into the calm blue waters and disappears without a trace – and all she can do is scream out his name in utter despair…..

……to hear Nell saying calmly, “Stop screaming like that, dear girl. You’re hurting me. I thought it was me you loved.”

“I do, I do,” mourns Hilda, wringing her hands. “But I never had time to say farewell or to hold him one last time.”

“Well, I’ll let you say goodbye to me before you leave,” says Nell genially, standing in her cottage, the Christmas tree behind her, all its candles alight.

“What do you mean?” falters Hilda. “Why would I want to say goodbye? You asked me for the holidays.”

“But you can’t stay,” says Nell, her voice suddenly turning cold. “You gave away my treasures, didn’t you? You don’t love me any more than you loved James. You’re fickle, Hilda, so you have to leave.”

“But I haven’t given them away,” sobs Hilda despairingly. “Look. They’re hanging on the tree behind you, along with James’ ring. And there’s the box on that chair.”

“Well, there’s no point in keeping the box, since you’ve given away the decorations,” cries Nell and seizing the beautiful box she hurls it at the tree – and immediately not only the box but the whole tree starts to burn fiercely, flames leaping and writhing, reaching for the ceiling.

“Nell! What are you doing?” shrieks Hilda, and looks around for something to throw on the tree. “Where’s the dressing gown?”

But without further ado, Nell simply walks over to the tree and wraps her arms round it. As Hilda stands there, horror-stricken, Nell’s hair catches alight, sizzling in the heat, and her body is quickly consumed by the flames.

“Nell!” screams Hilda. “Don’t leave me, not like all the others. I need you…” She carries on screaming and runs over to the tree, her hands out to stop the flames and pull Nell free, but the tree begins to topple towards her and she screams even louder. The next moment it is on her, its burning branches trapping her and desperately she tries to push them away, though even as she struggles she knows she is going to die in the inferno…..

“No, Hilda, stop struggling, love. You’re safe. Whatever you saw, it’s gone.” Hilda heard the words but they meant nothing as she fought off the branches that were pinning her down. She could feel her own hair and skin beginning to sizzle in the intense heat. She continued to scream, struggling desperately. She was going to die – like Nell….

“Hilda, open your eyes. It’s over. Wake up, dear, come on.” Fighting for breath she opened her eyes and the next moment, with a loud sob, she flung herself into Mother Abbess’s arms.

“They left me all alone – every one of them,” she gasped, her face hidden in the nun’s shoulder, the horror overwhelming her. “And Nell – oh God, she walked into the burning tree, told me I didn’t love her. She just burst into…..” Words failed her and she clung harder. Mother Abbess wrapped her arms round her tightly.

“Sh, love. You’re not alone. I won’t leave you, but please, dear, wake up. It was just a bad dream. It didn’t really happen, I promise you.” Her voice crooned tenderly as she tried to bring Hilda back to reality.

“But Nell is dead, so it must have happened,” Hilda whispered. “She told me she didn’t love me, I’d given her gift away….they all told me the same.” Her fingers were clenched tightly in the nun’s habit and she was trembling so uncontrollably that the nun’s own body was shaking with the force of it.

“Hilda, love, please, wake up. You’re not alone, and you didn’t give their gifts away – you gave them to God. They know….”

Mother Abbess was cursing herself. She had heard the moans, seen the emotion in the sensitive, sleeping face, but she had waited, to see if Hilda would settle. Then, all at once, Hilda had started screaming horrifically, her arms stretched out in front of her, her fingers like claws, and Mother Abbess had been on her knees, arms round her, almost before Hilda could draw breath to scream again. But Hilda had continued to fight her….

Now she held the shaking body close and tried to calm her – but it had been a bad one, that much was clear. It was also clear it had been brought on by this parting from her possessions. Dear God, give her strength. Make her whole. Ease this pain. She loves you – don’t let me fail her now.

“Hilda, child, however bad it was, it’s gone. Nothing in it can hurt you. They haven’t left you. They’re with God and God is so very close. Just hang on to me.”

The loving, soothing voice was doing its work. Hilda’s violent shaking abated and she lay against her friend, desperate for comfort. Wisps of the dream still wrapped their icy tendrils round her and she was terrified. It had been so vivid that it was to haunt Hilda for many a long day. To see Nell’s body consumed by the flames in that way, to feel they had all abandoned her, much as she had felt abandoned when her mother had died, had really left her……

Mother Abbess waited for the tears, but nothing happened. It had gone too deep, searing its way in, leaving scorched earth behind. The nun was too scared to let her go, even to order some tea – she could feel the terror emanating from her friend. “Hilda, love, do you want me to return your treasures?” she whispered. “Would that help?”

She felt Hilda’s fingers clutch convulsively at her habit once more; she sensed Hilda’s intense yearning. Then, the head against her shoulder shook in denial.

“No, Mother, I couldn’t go through that again. Leave them be. I know in my head that Nell and James don’t hate me.” She was silent a moment and then spoke into the nun’s habit, her voice a mere breath of a whisper. “Didn’t Jesus ask the rich young man to sell all he had, to give the money to the poor and to follow Him? Has He not just given me the same invitation? I can’t have it both ways – I must offer all – no matter how much it hurts.”

Tears were trickling down Mother Abbess’s face as she listened, but then the trickle became a warm flood as, unbelievably, she heard Hilda add softly, “Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son – everything I own is as nothing compared to that, Mother. Did Abraham have nightmares afterwards too, I wonder….?”

The nun bowed her head and let her tears fall onto Hilda’s hair as she held her closer. She remembered part of a prayer by St Ignatius Loyola: To give, and not to count the cost…. Hilda never counted the cost of what she offered. Mother Abbess knew that nothing would ever be as hard again, especially once the nightmares had ceased and a little more time had passed. It had been far too soon after Nell’s death. However, she had done it – and her courage would see it through. But oh, how it grieved Mother Abbess to see someone suffer as Hilda was suffering at this moment.

“Mother, you can let me go. I’m fine. I’m sorry to be such a baby.” Hilda’s voice was husky, but she loosened her fierce grip on the nun and pulled away slightly. Her self-control was returning and with it that almost visible barrier, reminding people to keep their distance. Mother Abbess gently removed her arms and cupped Hilda’s face. It was parchment white – this nightmare had cut to the bone, coming as it did so soon after the parting from her gifts, and it showed in the razor-sharp pain in her eyes.

“Hilda….” began the nun, her own eyes full of loving concern. If only Hilda would cry – but the blue-grey eyes remained dry.

Hilda shook her head. “No, don’t worry,” she whispered, and Mother Abbess could feel her fighting her anguish, could feel her stacking it away behind those walls, away from sight. She was going to fight it alone now the first fierce pain was over. No easy tears here.

The nun rose from the floor and sat beside her, pulling her close. “I am worried, love. This has hurt you so deeply and I don’t know how to make it go away. I won’t suggest you sleep again.”

Hilda shuddered in her arms. “Not a good idea,” she said wryly.

“But I’m going to insist you stay here and at least rest. You can read or….”

“Could I have Ellie, do you think?” asked Hilda quietly.

Mother Abbess searched the white face and when she spoke her voice was curiously intense. “You can have anything you want, love. After what you have already done for her, and indeed for myself and Ian and all of us here since we first knew you, somehow we would reach down the very moon and stars out of the sky for you if you asked.”

She saw a flicker of pain cross Hilda’s face. “What is it, love? What did I say?” she asked sharply.

“Nothing,” said Hilda with a quiet sigh. “It was just….. I once said something like that to Nell to tell her how much I cared for her. It was the day they all sneaked up on me to celebrate my twenty-first anniversary”

Mother Abbess cupped the white face again, ignoring that barrier, refusing to keep her distance, and traced the sign of the cross on Hilda’s forehead as she spoke. “And we care for you, daughter, for all you do and all you are. Please remember that – you are not alone, even though you are still so lonely without Nell.” She paused. “And what happened that day will soon, please God, be nothing but such a happy memory – a memory of just how much she loved you, and indeed still loves you, sweetheart.”

Hilda put out a hand and brushed Mother Abbess’s cheek very gently with one delicate finger. “Albert Schweitzer must have met you at some time,” she said very softly. “Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light. I shall never be done with thanking you for what you have done for me.”

Mother Abbess took Hilda’s hand and squeezed it. There were no words, so she simply smiled lovingly at her, then settled her once more amongst the cushions, adjusted the blanket and turned to poke up the fire. She turned back to speak to Hilda again, but as she did so, she saw Hilda glance at the table, then avert her eyes, her face suddenly even more of a closed book. Mother Abbess leaned forward and placed a finger under the dimpled, determined chin, tilting the face up so Hilda had to look into the compassionate green eyes.

“I’ve removed them – out of your sight for now.” Hilda’s bleak eyes gazed back at her steadily. “But they are not hidden away, I promise. Do you trust me?” Hilda nodded silently. “Good. You shall have your reward later today. For now, I’ll find Ellie and send her in. She needs you, I think, and I rather suspect you need her as well. I’ll show my face in the Chapel for a while and see you later. Be good!”

She was gone. Hilda closed her eyes against the pain that was still encroaching as midnight came nearer. Where have you gone, Nell? Tell Him I need you if I am to get through tonight and tomorrow without breaking down. Why that terrible, terrible dream? What have I done wrong? Why are you hiding from me, dear one?

New addition

Ushered in by Mother Abbess, who remained hovering in the doorway, Ellie moved quietly across the room to stand silently staring down at Hilda. Was she asleep? She looked anxiously back at the nun, but the latter simply nodded, smiled and closed the door, leaving her to it.

“Ellie?” The girl heard the gentle voice and looked down again, to see a hand held out to her. Quickly she knelt by the side of this gracious lady she was beginning to love. Hilda smiled at her welcomingly, noting the flushed cheeks and the light in the vivid blue eyes.

“Mother Abbess told me you weren’t well,” whispered the girl. “She said I had to be very quiet.”

Hilda stroked the girl’s petal-soft cheek. “I’m fine, Ellie, ma petite. She worries about me too much.” Ellie’s face relaxed and she smiled back. “I can see I don’t need to worry about you, though. What have you been doing today?”

Ellie settled herself comfortably on the floor, her heart doing a tap dance at being with her idol. “Well, after I got up I wrapped all my presents. I tried to copy the way Miss Knowles showed us to tie ribbons – do you remember? I wanted them to look pretty, but…” She shrugged her shoulders and Hilda grinned to herself. “I was not so successful. But they will do.”

“Perhaps you will help me later, when my tyrants let me up,” offered Hilda. “I suspect I will need help even more than you did. I’m all fingers and thumbs when it comes to craft work. Remember the origami stars?”

Ellie nodded, but eyed her curiously, as though she suspected her of exaggerating. Hilda just smiled back blandly so Ellie gave it up and carried on excitedly. “Then my aunt thought I might like to help with the baking.” She looked with puzzled eyes at Hilda. “But in France we do not have these – how you say? – mince pies. They are…..bizarre!”

Hilda’s musical laugh rippled quietly round the panelled room. She knew all too well how the Europeans regarded English cooking! Ellie joined in the laugh and added, “And then, not too long ago, we went out to collect….” She stopped short, suddenly remembering it was a secret to be kept from Hilda for the moment.

“To collect what?” prompted Hilda.

Ellie gathered her scattered wits and looked round wildly for inspiration. “Er…branches of holly to decorate the dining room,” she gasped, and then closed her eyes in despair. The dining room was already decorated!

Hilda stared at Ellie and slowly it dawned on her that something was being plotted and the girl had inadvertently let the cat out of the bag. What were they up to out there? Ellie tried desperately to change the subject. She picked up one of the crib figures from the low table and turned it round slowly in her hands. “I’ve never seen anything like these before. In France we use santons for our crèches.”

Hilda remembered both the small and large figures she had seen in shops in France all year round. Santons are made from the fine clay found around Marseilles in Provence. The clay is moulded, then dried and baked before being brightly painted with incredible care and detail. The models depict the colourful people, traditional trades, activities and costumes of Provence, and are based on the idea of the Provençal inhabitants making their way to the stable with their humble local offerings. There are also santons depicting the typical crib figures – Mary and Joseph and the baby, with the kings and the shepherds joining the villagers on their way to the stable.

Thinking back, Hilda could vaguely remember seeing one of these crèches in Thérèse Lepâttre’s room in Austria long ago. She had asked her about it at the time. And Joey and Jack had two large santons on a small table in their salon, each of the figures a foot or so high. One was an old man sitting in his chair, newspaper tucked under his arm, hat still atop his head, his clay-coloured face lined and aged as he smoked his pipe meditatively. His partner was an old woman wearing a lacy cap on her grey hair and a shawl thrown over her flowery dress and white apron. She carried a pillow in one hand and an oil lamp in the other, as though on her way to bed. They had been gifts from Simone and very fine they were too, full of character.

She watched Ellie moving the figures around gently, her face intent and serious, and into her mind flashed her own small wooden crèche. She knew she had finally found a home for it. Ellie would cherish the figures – they would be happy and safe in her keeping and would be handed down to her children and her children’s children.

A lot of her books she would also gift to the girl when the time came – her children’s books, especially, and her French, German and Italian ones. How the Lord answered prayer when one least expected it. Was He blessing her, near the end of her life, with a mother and a daughter?

As Mother Abbess had suggested months ago, out of the ruins of one life was He creating another life for her, something beautiful in which love flowed so freely and so effortlessly that she could lower her walls and allow herself to freely acknowledge bonds of affection?

Last edited by MaryR on Mon Apr 24, 2006 7:55 pm; edited 11 times in total

#2: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 10:01 pm

I loved this little interlude - Ellie's joy at being with Hilda, the differences between the Christmas customs in France and England and so on. Quiet, peaceful, yet joyful - just what Hilda needed at this minute.

Thanks for the explanation about the santons, I didn't know about them. And seeing Hilda decide to give Ellie the small creche - just the right person to appreciate the gift, too.

Quote:

How the Lord answered prayer when one least expected it. Was He blessing her, near the end of her life, with a mother and a daughter?

Those two sentences just brought tears to my eyes - despite all the grief and despair, another infinitesimal sign that to some extent, at least, Hilda can move on. And in what lovely company - the two will be true comforts in her later years, and at least partly help fill the void which Nell has left.

Thank you Mary

#3: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 10:23 pm

Thank you Mary!

That last bit was so lovely!

#4: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 11:06 pm

Oh Mary, that was just lovely, so gentle and heart-warming.
I loved Ellie trying to dig her way out of the pit and making it worse! And like Elder I didn't know about the santons, so thank you for that - and how lovely that Hilda has found someone to hand on some of her treasured books and the wooden crib to, in the knowledge that now they will go on being loved and used.

And what a beauiful hing for her to realise that

Quote:

the Lord answered prayer when one least expected it. Was He blessing her, near the end of her life, with a mother and a daughter?

And if Hilda can glimpse the idea that

Quote:

out of the ruins of one life (He was) creating another life for her, something beautiful in which love flowed so freely and so effortlessly that she could lower her walls and allow herself to freely acknowledge bonds of affection

, then surely there is some hope and progress here.

Thank you Mary.

#5: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:52 am

So pleased that Hilda is getting a little peace.

Thank you Mary.

#6: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:27 am

Oh Mary, this is lovely !
I didn`t know about Santons either !

Ellie is proving a sure comfort for Hilda.
I really look forward to seeing just what has been plotted for our unsuspecting Hilda- I am sure it will be wonderful, and much appreciated.......

Thank you for finding time to post this, what with everything else that is going on at the moment.

#7: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:55 am

Oh Mary, that was stunningly beautiful, thank you. I love the quiet talk these two have, and the way that Hilda is coming to regard Ellie as a Daughter. So Hilda now has a person she wants to give her nativity scene to, and many of her wonderful gifts. I am so glad.

Yes, she is being given a new life, one which is slowly growing up around her. Now she needs to get well enough to enjoy it fully - though I won't argue with anyone who says she has got joy from *this* scene. I just hope that she will reach a stage when she will be less haunted by the past - she doesn't need it.

Thank you Mary - Wonderful.

#8: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 8:42 am

What a lovely and unexpected bonus of the CBB being hacked - the opportunity to read so much ND all in one go! I've said it before, but I'll say it again: each individual post is a joy, but read all together like this it is almost indescribably powerful. And it keeps its power, too: that nightmare was as terrifying the second time of reading as the first, even though I knew what to expect. I was still hunched up and flinching at the horror of it. But isn't fire a curious thing? It can cause so much damage yet be so comforting, as in that beautiful quotation.

As for Ellie, she's lovely! So wonderfully Gallic, too - I can just see her shrugging her shoulders at her ribbon-tying efforts. She is yet another example of the gift you have for drawing engaging and sympathetic characters. I wonder who else is to come... How wondeful that Hilda can pass on her accumulated treasures and know that they will be loved as she has loved them.

Quote:

As Mother Abbess had suggested months ago, out of the ruins of one life was He creating another life for her, something beautiful in which love flowed so freely and so effortlessly that she could lower her walls and allow herself to freely acknowledge bonds of affection?

Even more wonderful, though, is for Hilda to know that she herself is loved again.

Merci, cherie.

#9: Author: Mrs Redboots, Location: London, UK

Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 2:53 pm

Thank you for the detail about the santons. There is a museum of them where we go on holiday, on the Plateau de Vercors above Grenoble, but it is normally shut when we go. However, this year, our holiday is a little earlier than sometimes, so if it is still open, I shall make a point of going!

#10: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:31 pm

I'm glad the details of the santons pleased you. Those two large ones are actually sitting here on my mantelpiece, not in Joey's salon! Laughing

Tucking these thoughts away to be taken out and savoured in peace, Hilda's mind jumped back to her books. Suddenly she smiled. “Tell me, Ellie, ma petite, have you ever read a little book called A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens?” Ellie placed down the wooden figures and turned and shook her head. “Then why don’t you go the library and borrow the one I know is on the shelves there. We could read some of it together. Would you like that?”

Ellie’s face shone with delight and she shot off with alacrity, her heart singing. Hilda’s eyes gazed into the fire. She had the idea that somehow, by reading about Scrooge facing his worst nightmares, she might begin to come to terms with her own, especially that last hideous one which had cut so deep.

When Ellie returned a few minutes later, she found Hilda holding one of the angels and stroking it gently, her eyes far, far away. The girl settled down on the floor again and waited patiently, her vivid eyes glued to Hilda’s sensitive face. The angel still in her hand, Hilda smiled gently at Ellie. “Tell me, ma fille, is life a little sweeter for you now?”

Ellie nodded vigorously, her eyes glowing. “Mais oui, Madame. You have helped me so much – and you have made me see that there are people who still love me, still care that I should be happy.” She stopped and looked earnestly at Hilda, as though to emphasize what she was saying. “Even Christmas seems happier since I met you. You made me feel so special by taking me to London and sharing your friend with me. You don’t treat me like a child – you make me feel I matter.”

Hilda set down the angel and took Ellie’s hand, moved by her words. “You do matter, Ellie. And I’m glad you feel a little stronger. But Ellie, child, you matter to your aunt as well, for she loves you very much. So you must promise me you will show her you appreciate that – because she too is sad. She has lost her only brother, your father, but she is also sad for you that you have lost your home.”

Ellie stared at her, eyes wide, and then she nodded in agreement. Hilda, intuitively sensing there was a problem, added quietly, “Mother Abbess also cares, mon enfant. She worries about you, like she worries about all of us.”

Ellie’s eyebrows rose. “She’s scary!” she said with such seriousness that it was comical. Hilda somehow managed to keep her face straight as the girl continued, “It’s like she knows all my secret – and disapproves.”

Hilda smiled wryly in sympathy. “Mmmm! I know exactly what you mean, mon enfant. She scares me at times, too.” Ellie gasped at this frankness but Hilda hurried on, “She only wants your happiness, though, Ellie.”

Ellie grimaced. “Are you sure? You read my thoughts, but you’re gentle about it, even when you think I’ve done wrong. I couldn’t tell her what I tell you.”

“Oh Ellie, you’ll learn,” sighed Hilda. “She is the most magnanimous and compassionate of women. But you’re so right – she is scary. Because she challenges you to be all you can be, to dig deep and find more than you thought was there. And so often we fear we cannot rise to that challenge.”

Hilda’s eyes turned to the angel, which seemed to be watching her with a calm serenity. How often in my weakness I have let her down, Lord. She expects so much of me, seems to think I am more than I am – and then loves me when I fail. She loves as You do, unconditionally.

She was unaware of Ellie’s intense stare, but the girl’s next words brought her back to earth with a bump. “You’re like that too, Madame. You challenge me to think clearly, to examine my motives – but you don’t scare me. Her eyes burrow in, read my thoughts and then she smiles with distaste, as though they were exactly what she expected.”

Hilda opened her mouth to contradict this image of the woman she herself now loved, but Ellie hastened on. “Your eyes reach in as well – but they calm me down, they seem to say ‘You’ll get there one day.’ You’re so forgiving, so patient, as though I have all my life to live up to your challenges.”

“You have, ma chérie,” responded Hilda softly. “But remember, your life might be short. Mother Abbess is in a hurry.” She looked at the book in Ellie’s hand. “There’s someone in there who wasted most of his life – he even discarded the girl who loved him so gently – because he refused to change. Then suddenly, one night, his life is demanded of him, and he is not ready. Why don’t we see how challenge can be good for us?”

Ellie opened the book and Hilda watched her as she began, her French accent very noticeable as she struggled with some of Dickens’ language:

Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that….Old Marley was as dead as a doornail. Scrooge knew he was dead? Of course he did….

Oh! But he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, covetous old sinner, Scrooge. Hard and sharp as flint; secret and self-contained….. He carried his own low temperature with him, he iced his office in the dog-days; and he didn’t thaw it one degree at Christmas.

“Out upon merry Christmas. What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, and not an hour richer? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart”

Ellie looked up in horror. “He can’t mean that!” she gasped. Hilda shook her head smilingly and indicated she should read on.

“But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas,” returned his nephew, “as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely….and I say, God bless it!”……..

Shut-up hearts….Hilda’s eyes misted over. Her own and Ellie’s hearts had become closed up clams in their loneliness and pain, but they were at last being prised open again here in this peaceful place, allowing God’s grace to seep in and restore.

#11: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:47 pm

Quote:

Shut-up hearts….Hilda’s eyes misted over. Her own and Ellie’s hearts had become closed up clams in their loneliness and pain, but they were at last being prised open again here in this peaceful place, allowing God’s grace to seep in and restore.

At last, a 'tangible', rather than an implied, glimmer of hope, a first glimpse of a new dawn beyond that very darkest part of the night!

This little image sums up so exactly what Hilda and Ellie have both been going through in their respective bereavements. Once again, it shows us how far, despite all the nightmares, despite all the setbacks, Hilda has already travelled on her journey through her grief. As MA had hoped, in reaching out to Ellie and helping her, Hilda has been able to help herself.

I loved the two reactions to MA's perspicacity, and the youthful tinge of fear which she arouses in Ellie - also Ellie's appreciation of Hilda's own perspicacity about her, and how her attitude has helped her see beyond her grief.

Another very vividly painted picture - I can just see the two of them sitting quietly together first talking, and then with Ellie reading Dickens' immortal words - lovely, heartwarming.

Thanks, Mary

#12: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 7:09 am

Lovely.
I'm loving the developing relationship between Hilda and Ellie.
Thanks Mary

#13: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 7:31 am

Oh Mary, that was amazing.

I can just see what took place here occurring. The young girl Ellie, needing to learn all that Hilda can teach her, and Hilda reaching out to try and help her understand that others love her, and that she is not left without those who care.

Hilda's deeper understanding of the writting in christmas carol was also wonderful. To see her managing to compare the words in that book to what she is going through, or rather what they are both going through, is awesome. And she hasn't reached the point where she feels she will get the best gain - from where she might be relieved by facing her nightmares rather than running away from them.

Thank You Mary love.

#14: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 10:23 am

So pleased Hilda is finally able to see some progress.

Like Ellie's different perception of MA.

Thank you Mary.

#15: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:12 am

Oh but this was very thought-provoking. I so appreciated Ellie's fear of MA; Ellie is very young and can't yet understand that love can be challenging as well as supportive. Hilda does and also knows how much and now unconditionally MA loves her.

And this is so hopeful:

Quote:

Her own and Ellie’s hearts had become closed up clams in their loneliness and pain, but they were at last being prised open again here in this peaceful place, allowing God’s grace to seep in and restore.

#16: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:59 pm

Mary, you have been and gone and done it again !

Of course Dickens` Christmas Carol is the most apt book for them to be reading on Christmas Eve, but I would never have drawn the lessons from it that you have, for Hilda and Ellie to share together Smile

Lots more, please Very Happy

#17: Author: Róisín, Location: Gaillimh, Eire

Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 4:44 pm

Thank you Mary!

#18: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:12 am

You make writing look so easy, Mary! I know a huge amount of work goes into it, but the result is so effortlessly beautiful that it's sometimes hard to remember just how difficult it is. I love the way you have incorporated other works into ND: Le petit prince, the quotations and now A Christmas Carol. It makes me want to go and read the books, just as your descriptions of things like the santons make me want to find out more about them, and your descriptions of places make me want to visit them; exactly the same effect as EBD produced. And, I must say, the choice of Dickens seems particularly appropriate to a story which is being 'serialised'! (Actually, to judge from that passage, at least, your style is not dissimilar to his - the striking images and the rhythm are certainly reminiscent.)

Identity Hunt wrote:

Mary, you have been and gone and done it again !

I couldn't agree more!

Merci, cherie.

#19: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 8:52 pm

Katya wrote:

And, I must say, the choice of Dickens seems particularly appropriate to a story which is being 'serialised'! (Actually, to judge from that passage, at least, your style is not dissimilar to his - the striking images and the rhythm are certainly reminiscent.)

Not to mention the length, Katya!! Laughing

You could say that, like Dickens, I use ten words where one would do. Rolling Eyes

But thank you all for the lovely comments.

When Mother Abbess peeped in later, thinking to give Hilda some rest by removing Ellie, she found her friend fast asleep, a slight smile on her face. Ellie was also asleep, the book fallen from her hand, her head lying against Hilda and Hilda’s hand lying protectively on the girl’s black hair. Mother Abbess stood behind the couch, looking down at the pair, inexpressibly touched by their closeness.

Moving round the couch soundlessly, she bent over the girl and touched her gently on the shoulder. Ellie’s eyes opened sleepily and then focused on the nun, who put a finger to her lips. Carefully, the girl slid out from beneath Hilda’s hand, picked up the book and rose to her feet. Before moving away, however, she hovered over Hilda’s prone figure and, beneath Mother Abbess’s watchful eyes, she smoothed a featherlight touch over Hilda’s hair, intense love in her resolute little face. How reluctant she was to leave!

Mother Abbess was fascinated, entranced. This girl, who through force of circumstance had matured far too quickly and beyond her years, could not resist showing unselfconsciously just what Hilda was becoming to her – the mother she had never had. How had they come so far in less than a week? But the nun knew – Hilda’s sensitivity, perception and generosity allied with Ellie’s intense need, her loving heart and somewhat serious nature. Please God nothing would happen to put a stop to this developing relationship, for it could bring only comfort to both in their loneliness.

Ellie looked up and saw the nun watching her, but Mother Abbess simply smiled and nodded towards the door. Ellie cast one last glance at Hilda’s relaxed face and moved slowly to the door, as though still in a dream world. Pulling the door quietly closed behind her, however, the nun turned to find Ellie looking at her worriedly.

“She looks so ill,” said the girl baldly.

Mother Abbess nodded and leaned against the wall, feeling unaccountably weary. “Yes, child, it has not been a good day for her. But she seems more relaxed now and for that I must thank you. She needed to sleep.”

The girl blushed at the praise, and she remembered guiltily what she had said to Hilda about this woman. Would she be able to read her thoughts? But Mother Abbess had other fish to fry. “You know she has been in a serious accident recently and was badly hurt?” she asked.

“Oh yes,” nodded the girl quickly. “My aunt told me – and Miss Knowles gave me more details. She told me Madame is a heroine.”

“Yes, Ellie, my child, she is,” breathed Mother Abbess. “She saved my brother’s life and nearly lost her own in the process. She was in great pain and very afraid, but her courage never failed her. That is why she looks ill, I'm afraid. You can learn so much from her, Ellie, simply by being in her presence.”

The girl’s eyes widened. She had not really understood that it was Mother Abbess’s brother who had been in the accident with Hilda. “What can I do for her, Mère?” she asked softly. Hilda’s earlier remarks were beginning to take root and help Ellie to relax in this woman’s strong presence.

“Exactly what you are already doing, Ellie,” answered the nun with a smile. “Just be yourself with her, do things with her to distract her from her own sorrow, show her how much you love her. You have already given her more than you know.” The girl’s look of gratitude impelled Mother Abbess to ask quietly, unthreateningly, “May I hug you, Ellie? To thank you for helping her. She means such a lot to me.”

Ellie looked with grave composure at this woman who had so scared her, and found herself nodding, much to her own surprise. Mother Abbess’s lips twitched, for Ellie’s thoughts were written so clearly on her mobile face, and then she stepped forward and wrapped her arms lightly round the girl, pulling her close.

Thank you, Hilda, for I have no doubt whatsoever it was you who removed this child’s fear of me. Bless you for finding a way into her heart and helping her where I couldn’t, for I had scared her away with my forthrightness. She just couldn’t turn to me for help when she came. I don’t have your gentle nature, daughter. So many souls you will heal when you enter here – but this child is yours forever, for you have beguiled her with your gracious and tender spirit. Truly Milton’s words were written for one such as you:

“Grace was in all her steps,
Heaven in her eye;
In every gesture dignity and love.”
(Paradise Lost)

#20: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:02 pm

Quote:

Thank you, Hilda, for I have no doubt whatsoever it was you who removed this child’s fear of me. Bless you for finding a way into her heart and helping her where I couldn’t, for I had scared her away with my forthrightness. She just couldn’t turn to me for help when she came. I don’t have your gentle nature, daughter. So many souls you will heal when you enter here – but this child is yours forever, for you have beguiled her with your gracious and tender spirit. Truly Milton’s words were written for one such as you:

“Grace was in all her steps,
Heaven in her eye;
In every gesture dignity and love.”
(Paradise Lost)

What amazing praise for Hilda from Mother Abbess, and what a frank admission of her own failing 'I don't have your gentle nature, daughter.'

A very moving scene between MA and Ellie here, too, once Hilda slept - it's so lovely to see these two, who both love her so much, learning to develop their own relationship as well. How much all three of them will learn from each other as time goes by. But that last paragraph just brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you, Mary - such a gentle section, but so full of so much caring -truly an illustration of 'man's lovingkindness to man.'

#21: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:03 pm

Oh Mary, fist I must stop and thank you for those lovely words you have ended this with. They are exquisite, and placed perfectly in this story of yours.

I just loved the way that MA was able to use this opening presented her by Hilda and Ellie between them to begin to build bridges between her and Ellie. I hope that now this has started it will continue.

And Hilda is asleep at last. May that peaceful sleep be dreamless for a long time to come.

Thank you Mary, a lovely post to find.

#22: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:22 pm

So, so pleased that Hilda is sleeping - long may it continue. And really pleased that she healed the rift between MA and Ellie.

Lovely quote at the end, Mary - thank you.

#23: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 11:24 pm

Mary, that was so gentle and peaceful - and encouraging. The three of them are working out such a satisfactory understanding aren't they? And they have got through the surface 'distractions' to the real love and awareness that forms the foundation of these relationships.

I was delighted to see Ellie able to respond to MA's love and warmth in such a whole-hearted way. And MA's self-awareness is such that her recognition of her own lack in one area - "I don’t have your gentle nature, daughter." is perfectly placed here.

And Hilda is sleeping peacefully; what a lovely gift for her to be given when she most needs it.

Thank you Mary.

#24: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 5:07 pm

*sigh*

That was absolutely gorgeous, Mary. The relationship between Hilda and Ellie is wonderful, and so satisfying for them both. And how nice to see Ellie thawing towards MA as well, and MA being able to admit her weaknesses. Parts of that were so moving that I've had to read it twice to get past the initial, overwhelming feelings! Just beautiful.

Quote:

This girl [...] could not resist showing unselfconsciously just what Hilda was becoming to her...

How lovely - to be so unselfconscious, and to have someone like Hilda too.

Quote:

Not to mention the length, Katya!! You could say that, like Dickens, I use ten words where one would do.

Not a bit! I told you once that I thought part of the beauty of your writing lay in its being elegant and economical, and I stand by that.

Merci, cherie.

#25: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:02 pm

Mary,
today has been frantic, and I have only just got to read this. Confused

What a pleasure to read; a heartfelt thank you for brightening what remains of my day.
Ellie is such a dear. I do hope we get lots more of her !

#26: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 8:44 pm

You will, Sian, don't fret! Laughing

After sending Ellie on her way into dinner, promising she could see Hilda later, Mother Abbess went back into her office and sat herself down thankfully in one of the easy chairs with some of her correspondence. It had been a long day – and there were still many hours to go to the Midnight Mass of Christmas. Hilda slumbered on serenely, making up for the disturbed nights and for this stressful, emotional day.

The nun watched the quiet face lit by the flickering flames, and pondered. Should she force the details of that nightmare out of Hilda – or leave it be? It was certainly the worst one she had had here in the convent, but had she had similar at school? Mother Abbess shuddered. No wonder such a tense ghost had walked in a week ago. Hilda had done so much for Ellie, and yet had been in such pain herself. Would this offering of her treasures bring some relief – or more pain?

With a sigh, Mother Abbess placed her friend in the Lord’s safe, sturdy hands and immersed herself in her correspondence, making notes from time to time, smiling or frowning as she read. So many of her former guests wrote to her, keeping her abreast of their current situations, knowing how much they owed this bracing, realistic woman with the overflowing heart.

As she worked on in the silence of the shadowed room, she became gradually aware of the sensation that she was being watched. Raising her head, she saw Hilda quietly gazing at her, her eyes no longer remote, the barrier gone, something of peace among the pain. The nun smiled and Hilda’s lips curved gently – perfect accord between them, as there would always now be, their love for each other forged in the fire of Hilda’s anguish. Nothing would destroy it, just as nothing had destroyed the love between Hilda and Nell. Only death had seemed to have that power – but love was stronger than death.

Mother Abbess moved to kneel beside Hilda, reflecting silently to herself that the floor seemed to be a favourite place for the pair of them! She took Hilda’s hand and looked on her lovingly. “You have found a little peace, my daughter,” she stated softly.

Hilda’s eyes had never left the nun’s and now she spoke solemnly, almost as though making a vow. “Since Nell died, the darkness has been deep and sometimes I've stumbled around so blindly, unable to see the way ahead. But God gave me almost immediately a new light, one to hold when times are dark and I need comfort. You, Mother, with your unconditional, transforming love.”

“Oh, daughter,” whispered Mother Abbess, her voice breaking. As their eyes continued to hold, she felt as though she had been given another gift, a gift to equal the words of Hilda’s mother to her tiny daughter.

Hilda lifted her free hand to stroke the nun’s cheek. “Truly, God answers prayer,” she said quietly. “He sent you to me as a gift of light and life when my life seemed over. He gave me this new, already beloved, home. He has given me Ellie. He has given me so much, pressed down and spilling over…..and yet…..” Her eyes turned dark.

“And yet you still cry for Nell in your heart,” responded the nun softly, so softly. “”It’s Christmas, child. What do you expect? Our loved ones always come especially to mind at this festival – and Nell was loved so much, wasn’t she?”

Hilda’s eyes watched her still as she nodded slightly and waited. This woman renewed her every time, brought her new insights, gave her more comfort, yet always pointed her straight back to God – and Nell. She was doing so now.

Mother Abbess’s clear green eyes were very tender as she looked on her new daughter and tried to offer solace, her voice very sweet. “A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam as we sit quietly on a log. For a long moment, its beauty and glory belong to us, and us only. But then it flies on. Oh, how we wish it could have stayed. But we feel so lucky just to have seen it.”

Tears glimmered in Hilda’s eyes as she listened to the parable. “Glory and beauty? Oh yes, Nell had all that, and more,” she breathed softly. “Lucky? Oh, Mother, I was more than lucky she alighted close by me for so long. I was blessed.”

The tears slipped slowly down Hilda’s cheeks, but her beautiful eyes were suddenly shining radiantly, like the brightest of stars…..

#27: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:17 pm

A lovely peaceful scene here. That conversation between the two of them is so filled with their understanding of each other and of MA's understanding of Hilda's feelings - but it's also lovely to see how much Hilda appreciates 'what she has been sent' - MA and Ellie - since she lost Nell.

I just love the image of the butterfly, Mary - it's so expressive of the passage of life.

Thank you.

#28: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:57 pm

How peaceful, and sustaining Mary. The "perfect accord" between Hilda and MA is so unassailable now; each of them recognises the other for what she is and trusts her absolutely. And that simple reminder that "love was stronger than death" is so positive, as is Hilda's telling MA that she needs and appreciates that "unconditional transforming love".

That image of the butterfly was so delicately lovely and sums it up perfectly...

Thank you Mary - this was wonderful.

#29: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 3:07 am

Thank you Mary
Truly beautiful writing.

#30: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 4:44 am

Thank you Mary, so good to see Hilda attain some peace.

#31: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 7:14 am

How lovely !
I am glad Hilda has told MA how important she is to her........and that Hilda has found some of the "peace that passeth all understanding" at the blessed feast of the Nativity.

I hope all at the convent will have a good Christmas Smile

#32: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 7:47 am

Oh Mary - such a beautiful, peacful scene. I am so glad that Hilda has not had another of those terrifying nightmares. And she has been able to talk to MA about what is going on inside her head once again. Beautiful thank you Mary.

#33: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 12:08 pm

MaryR wrote:

As she worked on in the silence of the shadowed room, she became gradually aware of the sensation that she was being watched.

Quite how you manage to give me the sensation that I'm being watched too, I can't imagine - it's incredible! I actually looked up at that point to see who was there! Just as well there wasn't anyone, really. Wink

This is absolutely beautiful, Mary. Again I'm there in the room, watching Hilda and MA and feeling the love between them, and the understanding.

MaryR wrote:

The nun smiled and Hilda’s lips curved gently – perfect accord between them, as there would always now be, their love for each other forged in the fire of Hilda’s anguish.

* * * * *

“A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam as we sit quietly on a log. For a long moment, its beauty and glory belong to us, and us only. But then it flies on. Oh, how we wish it could have stayed. But we feel so lucky just to have seen it.”

These two images contrast so sharply, and yet are both equally moving - one powerful, one delicate, but both exquisite. Hilda wasn't the only one whose eyes glimmered with tears as she thought of the butterfly...

Merci, cherie.

#34: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 10:27 pm

Mary, it's so good to be back, but I've missed so much and there's such a lot here that I'd have to write a dissertation to comment on it all, I'll have to do it privately.
The elements that immediately stick in my mind are Hilda's ability to make Ellie see clearly and examine her motives; Hilda's perception of MA's robust love as 'challenging you to be all you can be, to dig deep and find more than you thought was there'; Hilda's characteristics of dignity and love, from the Milton quotation, and the thought of how blessed both she and Nell were in finding such love together. All lovely - and so very much more.

And I now know I've got a santon! It was given to me by a penpal many years ago, and I didn't know what it was until you told me!

#35: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 8:48 pm

Mother Abbess finally released Hilda to return to her room and make her own Christmas preparations. She had managed to eat a little under the nun’s gimlet eyes and the latter felt thankfully that somehow Hilda had got through this traumatic day better than either of them could have foreseen. It even seemed to have brought her a measure of peace – which the nun hoped would carry over till Christmas morn. Hilda’s eyes were now quiet, though there were still echoes there of anguish.

Hilda made her way through the silent corridors to her own room, but as she passed the library Sister Patricia came out, something held in her hand. She smiled when she saw Hilda. “Just the person I wanted to see. But are you feeling a little better, dear?” she asked with concern. “We have all offered up many prayers for you today.”

Hilda’s smile was gentle. “Your prayers have been answered, Sister. The day did start badly, very badly, but somehow….it has drawn to a peaceful end, thanks to you all.”

Sister Patricia searched her face gravely and then nodded, reassured. She held up what she was carrying. “I’ve just finished what you asked for last night, and was going to leave it in your room. I hope it’s what you had in mind.”

Hilda took what the nun was proffering and looked at it, then raised her eyes in delight. “It’s better than I had in mind, Sister, far better. It’s beautiful, and you’ve even framed it for me. You are truly gifted, Sister. I could never have done this.” Sister Patricia smiled happily, for she so wanted to give something back to this woman who was doing so much for them all. Hilda examined the nun’s eyes and came to a swift conclusion. “I wonder, Sister, have you time for a few minutes conversation? Would you join me in my room?”

Sister Patricia nodded and indicated that Hilda should lead the way. Hilda settled the nun in the room’s one easy chair and sat herself down on the bed. “I’m worried, Sister,” she began, coming straight to the point in her usual frank if gentle way. “I’m worried you may think I’m trying to take your place in Ellie’s heart by my actions these past few days, for nothing could be further from my thoughts. After all, she is your niece. I have only just met her.”

Sister Patricia’s eyebrows nearly climbed into the wimple encasing her forehead as she stared into Hilda’s steady, brave eyes. This was not what she had been expecting – but how typical of Hilda to worry about another’s feelings. She leaned forward in the chair urgently, her brown eyes full of warmth for the generous woman sitting opposite.

“Hilda, I don’t have a place in Ellie’s heart,” she answered quietly, trying to reassure her. “I’m a nun. I was never part of her life when she was little. I scarcely saw her until her grandparents died and she ended up spending more time here. She’s never been happy here – and this habit has set me at a distance from her. So please don’t worry. I’m just glad that finally someone does have a place in her heart. She has had no one really for the last couple of years, because Edward certainly did nothing for her, and I feared for her future.”

Hilda interrupted her. “You’d be surprised, Sister,” she said gently. “Ellie has genuine feelings for you. She knows that you love her, that you are family – “kissing kin” so to speak – and she clings to that. She needs to know she still has some relatives, people to whom she belongs. We all have that need to belong. And she is grateful for all the convent has done – while also resenting the need for it. She really doesn’t want to be here, does she?”

Sister Patricia shook her head. She was silent for a few moments, some interior debate clearly going on. Finally she nodded to herself and then looked at Hilda. She spoke slowly. “No one knows this, but I had asked Mother if I could leave the convent for a few years, set aside my vows temporarily, so that I could make a home for Ellie until she was able to lead an independent life.”

“You would have done that for her?” breathed Hilda in wonder, appreciating just what a sacrifice it would have been.

Sister Patricia nodded. “Oh yes – it seemed to be the only solution. But Mother Abbess told me to wait awhile, that our prayers may yet be heard.”

“But how would you have lived?” asked Hilda. “The convent couldn’t have afforded to support you.”

“No, we would have had to depend on my painting and art work to survive,” said Sister Patricia shyly. Hilda grimaced. The nun was a true artist, but how many managed to make a living from painting? She leaned forward to grasp the nun’s hand in sympathy. Her brother, by his dishonesty, had left her a huge burden, but one she was more than willing to shoulder.

Sister Patricia squeezed Hilda’s hand in response, knowing that Hilda, with her uncanny gift of perception, understood it all. “Thank you, my dear, but as I said, Mother refused to allow it. She had more faith, she said there would be answer to prayer.” Tears stood suddenly in the nun’s eyes. “She was right. There was answer to prayer. You, Hilda! And God could not have chosen better if He had searched for years. She is utterly safe with you.”

This time it was Hilda who shook her head. “But I cannot provide a home once I enter here, even though I will be providing the funds for her upkeep. And my entering will coincide with her leaving the school. Once again, she will have nowhere, except the convent.” She paused, eyed Sister Patricia, and then added thoughtfully, “Unless I do what you were going to do, make a home for her in England somewhere until she has finished university. I could find a temporary post here….”

“No, my dear,” said the nun forcefully. “You have done enough and more than enough. No one would ask that of you. God certainly wouldn’t. He has answered prayer once, He will do so again.” She held up her hand as Hilda tried to speak. “No, Hilda. You are needed here - Mother wouldn’t allow it. God wouldn’t allow it.”

Hilda nodded, feeling very moved but also affirmed, for the call was quite clear – indeed it was urgent, as though God had pressing business with her. And she sensed His impatience that she was delaying for so long, no matter the reason. She knew beyond all shadow of doubt that it was not her loneliness that was summoning her here. For some reason, God wanted her planted in the soil of this out-of-the-way place. She herself had no choice in the matter.

Sister Patricia continued quietly, “As for taking her from me, you haven’t. She needed someone to love – she found you and your boundless, giving spirit. She has given you her heart, Hilda, and I am glad. Do you hear me? Glad! Glad she has found some happiness again, glad that she has found that happiness with a wonderful woman, a woman of integrity and honour, one who will never let her down. God has been so gracious to her.”

Hilda swallowed the huge lump in her throat and tried several times to speak but failed dismally. Sister Patricia saw her dilemma and waited, smiling gently. Finally Hilda managed a small whisper. “And to me, Sister. God has been truly gracious to me – for I love Ellie. I’m not quite sure how it happened in such a short space of time….” She stopped to try and master her tears, but one or two escaped despite her efforts and rolled slowly down her cheeks. “This is no one-way relationship, Sister. I receive as much as I give, indeed more than I give. Do you understand?”

Sister Patricia left her chair to kneel beside Hilda. “Hilda, that’s not true, but you would never be convinced of that, so we will leave it. But I must tell you that we are all so grateful to God that He called you and sent you here. You have so much to give, my dear, both to the ones we help and to those of us who live here. I know you are lonely and grieving but we will all try to ease that for you. We love you, Hilda, as Ellie loves you. And that love is forever.”

More tears chased each other down Hilda’s face as she listened to this heartfelt little speech, the tears Mother Abbess had wished for earlier but which had refused to flow. How much love she had been shown this long, difficult day! God could not have chosen a better home for her in which to finish her days than this peaceful house of prayer and praise.

#36: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 9:15 pm

How lovely that Hilda should be told so forcefully that she is loved - she needs that, needs to know that people still love her.

Thank you Mary.

#37: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 9:31 pm

Quote:

Hilda nodded, feeling very moved but also affirmed, for the call was quite clear – indeed it was urgent, as though God had pressing business with her. ..... For some reason, God wanted her planted in the soil of this out-of-the-way place. She herself had no choice in the matter.

Quote:

[Ellie] needed someone to love – she found you and your boundless, giving spirit. She has given you her heart, Hilda, and I am glad. Do you hear me? Glad! Glad she has found some happiness again, glad that she has found that happiness with a wonderful woman, a woman of integrity and honour, one who will never let her down. God has been so gracious to her.”

Quote:

"But I must tell you that we are all so grateful to God that He called you and sent you here. You have so much to give, my dear, both to the ones we help and to those of us who live here. I know you are lonely and grieving but we will all try to ease that for you. We love you, Hilda, as Ellie loves you. And that love is forever.” ..... God could not have chosen a better home for her in which to finish her days than this peaceful house of prayer and praise.

So many lovely ideas here, Mary.

But three things emerge so clearly. Firstly, the confirmation that Ellie has found someone to give her heart to, to love and to be loved in return. Secondly, Sister Patricia is simply delighted at this outcome for Ellie - Hilda is clearly the answer to prayer which MA suggested. That conversation is a lovely exchange between them and bodes so well for the future. Thirdly, Hilda has truly found both the calling and the home which will be hers for the rest of her life - she has to complete her commitment to the School, but God is clearly impatient even with that delay!

I just loved seeing Sister Patricia emphasise how much the convent family love Hilda, how much she will bring to them and how much they are all looking forward both to her presence and to being able to try to ease her grief - she is so sincerely expressing the views of all the Sisters in her words.

Truly, Hilda has much to look forward to when she finally does join the convent, quite apart from the present help she is giving to Ellie. I know this is set at Christmas, but the sense of rejoicing over these prospects for the future equally reflects the Easter Sunday posting of this section.

Thank you.

#38: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 10:24 pm

Ellie is actually in some ways very fortunate. Despite her feelings of loneliness, she is surrounded by love - she has two women who care enough about her to be willing to set aside their own vocation until she is able to live independently, an enormous thing to offer.
This is mirrored in Hilda's situation, of course, as she is obviously deeply loved by the community. It's good that she is being made to recognise this, and by Sister Patricia, who is more objective than MA can be with regard to Hilda; on the other hand, if you are not able to have the one love you want, nothing else is quite enough.
For me, the school is so bound up with Hilda that I find it quite difficult to imagine her permanently in the convent and not there! But she's only just got there, of course, and will find her place and her work, and be so valued.

#39: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:23 am

It's lovely to see any potential misunderstandings with Sister Patricia cleared away, and how good for Hilda to hear so clearly that she is so much the answer to prayer; that

Quote:

God could not have chosen better if He had searched for years. She is utterly safe with you

And this also confirmed that Hilda's place in the convent is utterly assured, that

Quote:

God could not have chosen a better home for her in which to finish her days than this peaceful house of prayer and praise

- like Elder I noticed that complete sense of certainty and reassurance with which Hilda's entry is regarded. She has so much to bring with her, and equally they have so much to give.

And I am most intrigued that

Quote:

she sensed His impatience that she was delaying for so long, no matter the reason

. Hmmm....

Thank you Mary - truly lovely, truly joyous, and so very in keeping with the posting date.

#40: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:54 am

Oh Mary !
How wonderful for Hilda to have such a kindred spirit conversation with Sister P !
Ellie is a lucky young lady to have both her aunt and Hilda utterly prepared to make such sacrifices for her, just as a mother would do for her child.....

#41: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:10 pm

Mary, what a lovely conversation. And how very like Hilda, to have come through a day like that, and then try to make sure that those who are helping her are alright. Even as she has helped Ellie, she realizes that there is one other who might be hurt by it, and goes out of her way to try and ensure that no one is hurt by her actions.

How like Hilda to offer to give up her entry into the convent until Ellie is ready to look after herself as well. I love the sense she has that God is already impatient with the delay she has imposed upon her entry so far, never mind putting it off another 3 or so years.

Now I wonder when we shall get to 'see' the thing that Sister Patricia made for Hilda!

Thank you Mary - Magnificent work

#42: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:48 pm

I'm afraid you will have to wait until Christmas Day to see it, Squirrel - and it could be a long wait as Mother Abbess's story comes before that early on Christmas morning. Laughing

That's of course if you all want to know her story..... Shocked

After Sister Patricia had left her, Hilda remained seated for several minutes, her mind travelling the twists and turns of this emotionally charged day, thanking God for Sister Patricia’s generosity of spirit and Mother Abbess’s wisdom and compassion. In a desperate bid to thrust from her the deep and persistent yearning that was mushrooming within - a residue of that horrifying nightmare - she rose from the bed and knelt at her chest of drawers. She removed paper bags, books, paper and ribbon, only to push a few of them back again hastily and close the bottom drawer when there came a tap at the door.

She opened it to find Ellie standing there – with company! Hilda grinned. “I see you’re still feeling lonely,” she said blandly, indicating the girl should come in.

“You don’t mind?” asked Ellie anxiously, cuddling a silver and grey tabby cat in her arms, while its twin trotted shamelessly past Hilda, its tail pointing straight up in the air, and proceeded to investigate whatever the room might be willing to offer.

“I don’t really think Polly and Patch have given me much choice in the matter,” responded Hilda dryly as she closed the door and eyed the intruders, for Polly had leapt from Ellie’s arms and joined her brother, who was trying to find his way into the bags Hilda had removed from the drawers. “You seem to be on exceptionally good terms with these two rapscallions,” she continued lightly, her eyebrows raised quizzically.

Ellie gazed at her sheepishly. “Don’t tell anyone, but they often spend the night in my room.”

“Ah!” was all Hilda vouchsafed to this, while silently trading Ellie look for look, and the girl had the grace to blush. Hilda had no doubt whatsoever that Mother Abbess, at the very least, knew all. Nothing escaped those razor-sharp eyes of hers. But compassion for the girl’s loneliness had clearly won out over her intense practicality.

She put an arm round the girl and drew her close. “Setting aside the tiny problem of mischievous mice cavorting merrily in Sister Aiden’s kitchen, thinking all their Christmases have arrived in one fell swoop, I must ask your pardon, chérie, for falling asleep earlier. But there will be other times to finish the book.”

Ellie pulled away slightly to look up at her mentor. She shook her head and smiled. “I fell asleep myself, Madame, until Mère sent me into dinner. Do you feel a bit better now?”

“Oui, merci, mon enfant, I feel much more rested. Allez, to work! Have you wrapped all your presents?”

“Certainement, both the origami for the Sisters and the gift for my aunt,” Ellie smiled happily, thinking to herself of other, secret gifts she had also wrapped.

“But not the chocolates for the guests?” asked Hilda.

“I think you must have the little boxes to put them in,” pointed out the French girl rather shyly. Hilda looked at her consideringly and then went to her many bags. After a little rooting around, she wrestled Patch out from one bag and shamefacedly held up the pretty boxes, while the little tabby immediately found another bag to investigate. Ellie smilingly held up the bags of chocolates they had bought in London.

They settled at the small table by the window, chatting quietly as they quickly filled each cherub-shaped box with a few chocolates and one golden sugared almond, before sealing them at the top with a gold star. Laying them to one side, they next considered the large carton which had been sent from London. They emptied it, only for the two cats to take complete charge of it, jumping in and out after each other like things possessed. Ellie would have joined in the fun, but Hilda gently reminded her of the time so, kneeling on the floor, they struggled to wrap paper round the largest item they had removed, both laughing merrily when Polly joined Ellie as she lay flat on the floor to get the bright red ribbon under the ungainly parcel. Polly kept pouncing on the ends, playing tug of war, her little rear end wriggling in sheer ecstasy.

“I don’t think they’ve quite honed their parcel wrapping skills yet, my dear. Perhaps you could give them some more lessons at your next secret rendez-vous,” said Hilda, her face impassive. “And I shall need your assistance when carrying this tomorrow, young lady,” she added teasingly as the girl finally tied a splendid bow that was worthy of Vivien Knowles herself. “I’m an agèd lady now, remember.”

Ellie wrinkled up her nose at her in disgust, and Hilda was suddenly overcome by a surge of deep and tender affection for this young girl. Christmases with Nell had been times of perfect sunshine, oases of merriment and contentment. But never had she imagined how delightful it could be to perform these small Christmas rites with a daughter, to fill the moments with love and laughter, to tease and be teased back. What tender memories they brought back of her own childhood, creating such magical moments with her mother.

Looking at Ellie’s face she saw the same glow she felt in her own heart at this beautiful togetherness, and she knew that neither of them would ever forget. There would be other happy times but this was their first Christmas Eve and it was very special. Ellie felt Hilda’s gaze and looked up, and they smiled together companionably, totally at ease with each other.

#43: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:01 pm

Quote:

That's of course if you all want to know her story..... Shocked

What do you mean *if*? of course we do!!!! Don't even think of depriving us now, please!!!

Quote:

Christmases with Nell had been times of perfect sunshine, oases of merriment and contentment. But never had she imagined how delightful it could be to perform these small Christmas rites with a daughter, to fill the moments with love and laughter, to tease and be teased back. What tender memories they brought back of her own childhood, creating such magical moments with her mother.

Looking at Ellie’s face she saw the same glow she felt in her own heart at this beautiful togetherness, and she knew that neither of them would ever forget. There would be other happy times but this was their first Christmas Eve and it was very special. Ellie felt Hilda’s gaze and looked up, and they smiled together companionably, totally at ease with each other.

This whole piece is so very tender, yet so fun-filled - I can just see Hilda and Ellie enjoying their present-wrapping together in a quiet companionship so beneficial to them both. As for the cats' capers - typical, aren't they - and they put me so much in mind of other cats, though in an Abbey rather than a convent setting - EJO's Abbey for those who are wondering, that for one moment I was transported from Norfolk to Oxfordshire!

But those last two, quoted, paragraphs just say so much about this growing mother-daughter relationship between them that they brought tears to my eyes. No, Nell will never be forgotten, but other relationships can help to fill the gap - and Hilda takes another step on her upward progress through her grieving.

Thank you, Mary - this so sets the mood for the quietly joyful Christmas yet to come.

#44: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:22 pm

That was so lovely - their devotion to each other, but all the same preparing gifts for the other guests at the convent.

And of course we want to see Mother-Abbess's story - I for one am more than happy to wait to see what Sister Patricia made if it means we get to find out the mystery behind the woman at last!

Thank you Mary

#45: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:03 pm

Do we want MA's story? Well, now, let me think ... yes ... no ... maybe? YES, OF COURSE WE DO!!!! I'd love to know what has shaped such an exceptional woman and made her what she is.

This is a delightful post, Mary, such a lovely mixture of gentle humour and teasing and increasingly deep affection on both sides. Enjoyed Hilda rootling around amongst her bags and forgetting she had the boxes, and the picture of her and Ellie working so companionably together. And the cats are gorgeous, so well-observed, I can see every movement. How wise and loving of MA to have ignored Ellie's breaking of rules to have them on her bed - nothing more comforting than a purring cat. We seem to have a mouse motif at the moment - I loved your kitchen mice thinking all their Christmases had come rolled together!

#46: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:21 am

Squeak!

Mary, this was just lovely, all the little pieces of preparation that are so much part of Christmas! And how wonderful for Ellie to have been sent for Hilda's first Christmas without Nell to give her the experience of a mother-daughter relationship - not to take the place of what she has lost, but as something fresh and new.

And the cats are gorgeous - inquisitive and playful little beasties, and silver tabbies too, so pretty!

And do we want MA's story? Well, I tossed a coin, heads we do, and it was heads....oh did I mention it was a double-headed coin? Wink

Seriously, of course we do!!!!

#47: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 6:53 am

Mary,
if you can produce such joyous writing as this, depicting the loving relationship between Hilda and Ellie developing and deepening, it gives me such happiness and hope at last for Hilda`s future full recovery.

She is truly learning that whilst nothing and no-one can ever relace Nell, there are always other people who need her love, skills, help and empathy, and who will benefit her in return.

What a privilege and joy to peak at this special scene ! Very Happy

Is that what your cat gets up to at present-wrapping time ? Laughing

And I can` t wait to read MA`s story !
Pretty please, pretty please ! (bounces up and down with glee at the thought!)

#48: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 11:04 am

*sets up a chant*

Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story!

Yes, Mary, I think we want you to tell us MA's story when it comes.

As for that last scene, it was wonderful. I really loved the second last paragraph - Hilda is really looking on Ellie as her own child now, and that is just beautiful.

The gentle teasing that occurs between them, as they prepare for Christmas Day is fantastic. And of course I'll wait patiently until the time for seeing what all of these different gifts are when the time comes.

Thank you Mary.

*continues to chant*

Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story! Story!

Wink

#49: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 11:13 am

Lovely post Mary - Hilda really needed Ellie and the cats just then, didn't she. So nice to see the ease and love that Ellie has now, and that Hilda can see her as a daughter she never had.

Thank you.

(Oh, and typical cats! Laughing

)

#50: Author: Mrs Redboots, Location: London, UK

Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:19 pm

Yes, of course we want Mother Abbess' story!

#51: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:02 pm

Thank you to those of you who reassured me that MA's story is still awaited with some eagerness. Laughing

Today's post is the ending of the scene with Ellie and the cats....

......but this was their first Christmas Eve and it was very special. Ellie felt Hilda’s gaze and looked up, and they smiled together companionably, totally at ease with each other.

Bending to wrap the smaller things out of the large carton, Ellie suddenly glanced up. “You know, you are a very generous person, Madame. You have much love for people.”

Hilda reached out and touched the girl’s flushed cheek. “But what else is there, ma petite?” she asked softly. “Except to make life easier for people, to light up their dark and empty places? Someone once said that we are all like angels with just one wing and it is only when we help each other that we can fly."

She paused in thought a moment, searching for something to help this young girl understand the concept of living for others. "The English poet W H Auden wrote a line that I never allow myself to forget: Love each other - or perish. To live only for oneself leads to nothing but unhappiness, ma fille.”

Ellie remembered how Mother Abbess had told her earlier how much she could learn from being with Madame. It was true, reflected this mature young girl. She was already learning the joy to be found in giving, something no one had ever taught her before. Although she was beginning to realise, even in her youth, that most of Hilda’s giving was done in secret – she seemed to want no thanks, which puzzled the girl.

“You have assurément made my own life much easier, Madame, and given me much happiness, even though you have only known me a week,” responded the girl, thinking how much she wanted to stay in this woman’s presence, how much she wanted to soak up the love this gentle woman was pouring on her. But what would happen once Christmas was over?

Hilda saw the sudden look of yearning in the girl’s eyes and read her mind. After all, did she not understand only too well that yearning? “We have plenty of time to be together, child,” she whispered, mentally knocking on wood as she tempted Providence, while thinking of the present being offered to Ellie on the morrow. They smiled together and finished wrapping the gifts, and then Hilda suggested the girl should go and change for the midnight service, asking her to return a little later to collect her.

Ellie obediently gathered up the little boxes and made her way to the door which Hilda was opening for her. Before she went through, Hilda stopped her and kissed her gently. “Merci, ma petite. You have made me a very happy woman by your presence here – and I have so enjoyed getting ready for Christmas with you.”

Ellie returned the kiss with interest, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, and went on her way with her heart singing. Hilda closed the door and then leaned against it, eyes closed, hand over trembling lips. Oh Nell, dear heart, did you send this girl to help me through Christmas, a very special gift? I already have Mother, now Ellie….so why do I still weep for you?

Slow tears crept down her face as she stood there, remembering that terrible nightmare a few hours ago, tempted for a moment to throw herself on the bed and give way to the storm that had been brewing inside her all day. But no, she had been blessed. She must endure! And anyway there was less than an hour to the service. Once started, she might not be able to stop in time.

Rubbing the tears away, angry with herself for her weakness, she wrapped the rest of her presents and hid them away again. Changing her dress, she brushed out her hair and pinned it back up neatly, then knelt by her bed, buried her face and asked for help to get through this holiest of nights.

Suddenly, she felt a cold little nose touch her hand. Opening her eyes, she saw lying near her hand the Dietrich Bonhoeffer book which Mother Abbess had given her earlier in the week, Polly curled up beside it. She reached out to touch the warm little body, then wrapped her arm round the softly purring cat and drew her close, relishing the comfort. She opened the book at the prayer that had meant so much to her when she first read it, because it had seemed to encapsulate all her feelings of loneliness and grief. The cat cuddled close to her chest, its rumbling purr of contentment reverberating through her own body, she now spoke the words out loud and with great fervour:

O God,
Help me to pray
And to think only of You;
I cannot do this alone.

In me there is darkness
But with You there is light;
I am lonely, but You leave me not;
I am feeble of heart, but with You there is help;
I am restless, but with You there is peace;
In me there is bitterness, but with You there is patience;
Your ways are past understanding,
But You know the way for me.

#52: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:26 pm

So pleased Hilda has Ellie there - and the cat! Think Nell may have sent them.

Thank you Mary, that was lovely.

#53: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:42 pm

Quote:

Thank you to those of you who reassured me that MA's story is still awaited with some eagerness.

Rest assured that we do indeed await that story with eagerness - it will be all the more special for that wait, too.

Quote:

Although she was beginning to realise, even in her youth, that most of Hilda’s giving was done in secret – she seemed to want no thanks, which puzzled the girl.

Clearly Ellie is still just a little too inexperienced in the ways of the world to understand fully that Hilda is one of those for whom it is genuinely 'more blessed to give than to receive.'

Quote:

“Merci, ma petite. You have made me a very happy woman by your presence here – and I have so enjoyed getting ready for Christmas with you.”

Clearly, too, Hilda has received far more from Ellie's presence than Ellie can possibly comprehend - but even this goes only so far in allaying the loneliness of her life without Nell.

O God,
Help me to pray
And to think only of You;
I cannot do this alone.

In me there is darkness
But with You there is light;
I am lonely, but You leave me not;
I am feeble of heart, but with You there is help;
I am restless, but with You there is peace;
In me there is bitterness, but with You there is patience;
Your ways are past understanding,
But You know the way for me.[/quote]

But she also knows to Whose presence she can also turn to help her stave off those pangs of loneliness in enduring this first Christmas without Nell - this restoration of her faith is yet another sign of her progress through her grief. Yes, it will be hard, but sustained by her faith, and by the heartfelt support and love of MA, Ellie, Sister Infirmarian, Sister Patricia and all the other nuns at the convent, plus, in absentia, by the thoughts which are sure to be coming her way from Vivien, Tessa and everyone at the Chalet School, as well as everyone else who knows her and understands her feelings so well, she will indeed endure.

Thank you, Mary for these lovely peaceful episodes.

#54: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 10:35 pm

Mary, that was a lovely end to the scene. Poor Hilda to be woken by such a terrible dream, but what joy and gifts she has been given in the midst of that pain. To have a new mother, and a daughter to cherish and spend Christmas with. To have even the cat for company, and comfort, as she gives into the pain for just a moment. And then to leave the reader almost breathless as they realize again her moral, and mental strength - that she *will* conquer the feelings she can't help but feel, even though she is so closely guarded by her new relatives.

Thank you Mary - another lovely and stunning post.

#55: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 10:56 pm

Hilda's philosophy of life, encapsulated in;

Quote:

to make life easier for people, to light up their dark and empty places

is so profound. She has a religious basis for her life, but, even for people who believe the universe to be arbitrary and meaningless (I've been thinking a lot lately about Camus, who's a great favourite of mine) that is what makes it possible to go on and provides a justification for continued existence.

Those cats are delightful, and such an undemanding comfort, and the closing prayer is beautiful.

Of course MA and Ellie cannot replace Nell, of course Hilda will continue to grieve for that specific loss, but she will be comforted by the new loving relationships which cannot heal the wound, but can, perhaps, cauterize it and stop it festering and poisoning her mind and soul.

Thank you for a thought-provoking post, Mary.

#56: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 11:29 pm

That was so beautifully balanced Mary. All the love with which Hilda is surrounded and the darkness and emptiness that she acknowledges within herself. And her philosophy is so very simple, yet profound:

Quote:

to make life easier for people, to light up their dark and empty places

.

Ellie can't quite understand it, although she does appreciate it - and she will remember this night and these words always.

How far Hilda has come that she can face her grief and pain so squarely and yet reach out to others - and also comprehend what she has been given, and to Whom she can turn, encapsulated in that prayer. And the holiest night of the year can also be one of the hardest.

That comforting cat is delightful..... Very Happy

Now...about MA's story.... Laughing

#57: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 6:52 am

There is something immensely comforting about pets, isn`t there ?

I am glad Hilda is managing to look forward to getting through this night now., and I am equally sure she will rejoice at the others` pleasure in Christmas even if her own heart is aching for Nell........

And Ellie will understand and be there for her too.

This was so sweet and loving, Mary !

I am agog to hear from MA, though.

Pretty please (again!)

#58: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 3:44 pm

Identity Hunt wrote:

I am agog to hear from MA, though.

Pretty please (again!)

Sian, patience - again! Laughing

A few more posts only, I promise. Wink

I was going to make you all wait for the decorations until the new board, but as I'm such a kind, thoughtful person..... ROFL

Strolling with Ellie through the hushed corridors on their way to the chapel, Hilda was at a loss to understand the girl’s suppressed excitement. It seemed more than just anticipation of the Midnight Mass of Christmas, for she was almost dancing as she moved along. They were joined by others as they drew near the chapel, and there came to their ears the soft sound of carols being quietly sung.

They turned the last corner and the doors of the chapel came into view, a gentle radiance emanating through the glass, the singing now louder and sweeter. Hilda saw Mother Abbess standing there, greeting everyone as they entered.

“What a lovely gesture!” she reflected, but as they themselves drew nearer, Hilda perceived what was standing beside the nun and she stopped abruptly, a startled gasp on her lips. Mother Abbess heard and turned her head, her penetrating gaze flying to Hilda’s face, and immediately she moved forward to help, before emotion completely overwhelmed her friend.

Hilda, however, ignored her and crept on shaking legs to the doors, her lips trembling visibly, tears once more in her eyes but also a dawning hope. She remembered Ellie inadvertently letting out a secret – and here it was in all its glory. How much Mother Abbess cared!

On a small table between the doors was draped a golden cloth seemingly woven of delicate cobwebs, and on this stood a shimmering green vase, tall and elegant. Rising out of the vase were branches sprayed with gold – branches she now realised Ellie and others must have collected while she herself slept in Mother’s office. And hanging from those branches, in all their exquisite simplicity, were the Christmas decorations she had handed over to Mother, while here and there among the branches, filling in the gaps, were gold and silver stars and shining angels, paper sculptures which Ellie must have constructed that very afternoon.

Miracles still happened - courtesy of Mother Abbess! There they were, their beauty displayed for all to see and enjoy, the Tyrolean treasures she had long ago given to Nell, the precious ornaments which held so many memories – she and Nell decorating the tree with them, she and Nell setting off to Midnight Mass, she and Nell opening the gifts they had laid underneath those ornaments, she and Nell glorying in their friendship…..

Lost in a world of her own, her face rapt, the others watching her silently, she put out a hand and delicately touched her very first purchase, the little star, setting it spinning. A snowflake and then a pastel coloured crib were next to be set twirling, as her hungry eyes devoured them all. Finally those eyes came to rest on the carved chest, set there beside the vase for all to admire. She stroked the carvings tenderly, then opened the lid and inhaled the faint spicy fragrance, touched the faded silk lining.

Suddenly, she let the lid fall, bowed her head, covered her eyes and let the tears brim over. She had given them away, for Love’s sake – but now somehow they were still hers, to see, to touch, to enjoy….. It was all too much! She felt loving arms go round her and leaned into the comfort.

“You haven’t lost them, child, neither these nor indeed your ring,” whispered Mother Abbess’s sweet voice. “You are just sharing their beauty with a wider audience. The gifts we offer to God are never wasted, for God wastes nothing, nothing at all. Remember that.”

Hilda let the loving words soak into her heart as she felt other arms also going round her. Lowering her hand, she looked down into Ellie’s vivid sapphire eyes, now watching her anxiously as she asked softly, “Did we do right, Madame?”

Hilda kissed her gently. “Very right, little one,” she said softly. Raising her eyes she saw Sister Patricia behind Ellie. Reaching out, she laid a hand on the nun’s arm. “Thank you,” she said simply, and Sister Patricia nodded, satisfied, before entering the chapel.

Hilda turned her head to look into the green eyes of the woman whose generous love for her had organised this miracle. Hilda’s own eyes were a tender, shining blue through her tears. How to repay such love? Her beautiful, mellow voice did it all for her, that most glorious of instruments trembling with emotion:

Loyal hearts can change the face of Sorrow,
Softly encircle it with love’s most gentle
Unearthly radiance.
(Bonhoeffer)

#59: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 4:41 pm

Quote:

I was going to make you all wait for the decorations until the new board, but as I'm such a kind, thoughtful person..... ROFL

[/color]

I am so very glad that you didn't make us wait - this is such a beautiful picture to sustain us until the new Board returns!

Quote:

She had given them away, for Love’s sake – but now somehow they were still hers, to see, to touch, to enjoy….. “You haven’t lost them, child, neither these nor indeed your ring,” whispered Mother Abbess’s sweet voice. “You are just sharing their beauty with a wider audience. The gifts we offer to God are never wasted, for God wastes nothing, nothing at all. Remember that.”

Thanks to the Love which led her to give these treasures away, she will indeed continue to enjoy them, and to watch them bring pleasure to others, too. And she can relax here in that enjoyment, secure in the love of MA, Ellie, and all at the convent, and sustained by her memories of Nell. How thankful Nell must be for all of this as she 'watches' her from above - and how thankful all their 'Chalet' friends, new and old, would be if they could see Hilda at this minute, too.

A true embodiment of that 'love of God, which passeth all understanding...."

And we, too, who love Hilda, can gain so much pleasure from this picture. It will help us to await the return of the Board, and MA's story, with what patience we can muster.

Thank you, Mary.

#60: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:28 pm

Mary, that was well worth the wait; thank you !!

*Heaves deep sigh of satisfaction and delight* Very Happy

#61: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 9:02 pm

Oh Mary - that was beautiful!

Having just caught up with several posts, I can't possibly comment on everything I'd like to. Permit me to summarise:

Crying or Very sad

*aw*

*satisfied sigh*

Yes, all those emotions! In the space of these few posts, I've laughed, cried, thought, questioned, sighed and more. Watching Hilda, Ellie, MA and the others through your words is so moving and so real, and your wonderful use of language never falters.

MaryR wrote:

to make life easier for people, to light up their dark and empty places

It's so hard to get it right though... Sad

The Board may be going away for a little while, but that exquisite image of the Christmas decorations will not be forgotten. Thank you for leaving us with such lovely thoughts as we prepare to wait patiently for MA's story. (You didn't really think you could get away without posting that, did you?! Wink

) Until then, we shall just have to console ourselves with cats. I quite agree that silver tabbies make wonderful comforters!

Merci, cherie.

#62: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 10:40 pm

In giving, she has received; in letting go she possesses more surely; in remembered joy she finds comfort, while the love of the one she has lost is more than a memory, it is a certain presence in the continuum of eternity.

Lovely, Mary. Thank you.

#63: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 11:04 pm

Oh, Mary!!!! This was just wondrous - what a beautiful happening. Hilda has given and received in a beautiful and satisfying circularity. And the happy and blessed memories that this has evoked of the Christmases that she and Nell shared together must surely banish the earlier terrors.

And what a marvellous reminder, that

Quote:

The gifts we offer to God are never wasted, for God wastes nothing, nothing at all. Remember that.

And Hilda acknowledges all this in the words of Bonhoeffer...
Thank you Mary, what a lovely picture to have as we wait.

#64: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 5:20 am

Truly beautiful Mary.
I loved the golden branches and the decorations - and of course the cat.
Thank you.

#65: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 7:02 am

Oh Mary, I am almost without words with with to respond to this most exquisite writing.

You have captured each emotion so well, from the confusion Hilda felt when Ellie was so inexplicably excited, to the love she see's in MA's greeting to each person as they arrive, to the joy amongst the sorrow as she witnesses her ornaments which stand next to MA, and prepare to bring joy to others.

How true that Hilda should learn that that which she gives up, she is truely gaining, and what a beautiful way for her to be taught it.

Those memories, coming at a time they belong to, set off by the use of the decorations are so fitting to this Mary, that even as she is with the rest, on her way to the midnight service, she is able to have this few moments of private reflection on the joy she shared with Nell.

And at the last to be able to comfort Ellie, that they had done "very right".

That last question, about how you repay such love - you cannot, you just have to love others - and Hilda is already doing that one perfectly.

Thankyou Mary.

#66: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 6:06 pm

Katya wrote:

Having just caught up with several posts, I can't possibly comment on everything I'd like to. Permit me to summarise:

Crying or Very sad

*aw*

*satisfied sigh*

Katya, I don't think I've ever seen a summary quite like that. ROFL

I've decided that while the Board is away, I shall practise writing ND in that code. It would be so much quicker - and certainly more to the point! And think of the space saved! Laughing

Katya wrote:

The Board may be going away for a little while, until then, we shall just have to console ourselves with cats. I quite agree that silver tabbies make wonderful comforters!

Cats? There is a line in the Song of Solomon which says *Comfort me with apples* - but for me, cats will do it every time. I hope every CBBer has a cat to comfort them in the interim.

#67: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 8:53 pm

Thank you Mary.

#68: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 10:06 pm

I seem to remember that the beginning of that quotation is 'stay me with flagons' ... may we have those as well? Laughing

#69: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 11:03 pm

Depends what's in them! Laughing

And a few first editions would be comforting as well...

I am so looking forward to the next part of this Mary.

#70: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 7:53 pm

Then look no further, Cath! Wink

Though that wish for you all to be comforted with cats, apples or whatever is in those flagons, now seems rather premature. Laughing

....How to repay such love? Her beautiful, mellow voice did it all for her, that most glorious of instruments trembling with emotion:

Loyal hearts can change the face of Sorrow,
Softly encircle it with love’s most gentle
Unearthly radiance.
(Bonhoeffer)

That gentle unearthly radiance carried Hilda into the candlelit chapel, where she knelt with Ellie beside her to offer her thanks for all the tender care being showered on her. The Gregorian chant Veni Redemptor Gentium (Come, Thou Redeemer of the earth), being sung quietly by the Sisters, soothed and calmed her and soon she was able to lift her head and absorb the splendid raiment adorning the chapel, now the austerity of Advent was over. All this would soon be an integral part of her life, helping her to find wholeness in the midst of her brokenness.

Stately beeswax candles stood tall on altar and window sills, scenting the air with their fragrance, their carved silver holders glittering and gleaming. The candles’ golden tips illumined the darkness of the chapel, filling it with an incredible shifting brilliance, casting dancing shadows on the wood-panelled walls, stretching up long fingers of radiance into the high, beamed ceiling. It was homely, warming – yet magnificent. The grace of light….

As she feasted her eyes, letting them linger on the flowers spilling their own fragrance and beauty into the magic, silence suddenly fell, all singing ceased. The silence lingered, expectant, and then the organ began to peal out joyfully, and the triumphant swell of Adeste Fideles filled the chapel. As they sang, bells inside and out began to ring in lovely and powerful accents, announcing the news of the Saviour’s birth, the everlasting symbol of joy and hope.

Hilda and Ellie left their places and moved with one accord to the altar. They turned to face the congregation, Hilda’s hand imparting courage to the young girl as the singing transmuted into gentle humming and the organ grew soft. Hilda’s tender eyes moved from one shining face to another and her rich, melodious voice reached to the furthest, darkest corners of the chapel:

December 25th

The darkest time of the year,
The poorest place in the town,
Cold, and in a taste of fear,
Man and woman alone.
What can we hope for here?

More light than we can learn,
More wealth than we can treasure,
More love than we can earn,
More peace than we can measure,
Because one child is born.
(Christopher Fry)

The sweet echoes of her lovely voice faded, and organ and voices joined once more in exaltation as the triumphant last verse rang out: Yea, Lord, we greet Thee, Born this happy morning… Ellie left Hilda’s side to kneel in front of the wooden crèche and place the bambino next to his mother. She lingered there a moment, her mobile face a mixture of awe and joy at being part of this beauteous, ageless ritual, and then Hilda reached out and drew her back to her feet.

Her arm protectively round Ellie’s shoulders, they returned to their pew, Hilda’s eyes meeting Mother Abbess’s in a silent moment of loving communication. Why, they belong together, thought the nun wonderingly to herself, as she saw once more their closeness. She looked back at the bambino and was swamped by a great surge of gratitude and peace. God was in charge and all would be well.

#71: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 7:59 pm

Mary that was simply beautiful- an image to sustain me whilst the CBB is down.

#72: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:03 pm

Beautiful, Mary, and so good, so right, to see Hilda and Ellie together. Will this special closeness be a problem when they are student and Headmistess at the CS I wonder?

Thank you.

#73: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:34 pm

Oh Mary - the beauty of that piece is that it just reaches out and touches you. It just makes the heart register with it's tones and light. There is darkness there, but the love, the awesome love is just overwhelming.

Thankyou Mary.

#74: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:37 pm

This is just so beautiful, Mary - the decor in the chapel showing Hilda what will be hers for all-time once she joins the convent, the joyousness of Adeste Fideles, Hilda speaking the Christopher Fry verse, Ellie placing the bambino in the crib and the loving support between the two of them - all so full of glory, hope, peace and promise for the future. I'm sitting here breathless at the spectacle.

For some reason, the words of this more contemporary Christmas song flashed into my mind - they just seem to fit so well with the mood here.

When A Child Is Born

A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A tiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble tossed and torn
This comes to pass, when a child is born

A rosy hue settles all around
You got the feel, you're on solid ground
For a spell or two no one seems forlorn
This comes to pass, when a child is born

Spoken: And all of this happens, because the world is waiting.
Waiting for one child; Black-white-yellow, no one knows...
but a child that will grow up and turn tears to laughter,
hate to love, war to peace and everyone to everyone's neighbor,
and misery and suffering will be words to be forgotten forever.

It's all a dream and illusion now,
It must come true sometime soon somehow,
All across the land dawns a brand new morn,
This comes to pass when a child is born

(I'm sorry, but the Google reference I found didn't tell me who wrote the words, and I'm also sorry that there isn't any way to transcribe the music, because the tune is just as haunting as the words. )

#75: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:19 pm

What a lovely Christmas ritual, Mary, and what a beautiful scene. The silver of the candlesticks, the gold of the light, the dark wood panelling and in it all the glorious triumph of the Adeste and the harmony of Hilda's voice and Ellie's actions.

I, too, hope that Hilda can find a way to preserve this closeness with Ellie when they are back at school. It will be much more difficult, and Ellie would be so lost without it.

#76: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 4:45 am

MaryR wrote:

She looked back at the bambino and was swamped by a great surge of gratitude and peace. God was in charge and all would be well.

(I did it! I managed to quote without getting completely scrambled !)

Indeed !
How lovely to see Hilda and Ellie`s joy in this..............and MA`s too. I have grown so fond of Ellie.

When will they open their presents, Mary ? After Mass, or in the morning, or after lunch ? Wink

#77: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 5:28 am

Oh Mary, I am at this service! All the contrasts of light and shadow, and the voices whispering out of the shadow, the white and gold of Christmas - and incense, I'm sure they would have had incense - and the expectation building all around.

The Fry poem is so appropriate, and fits so beautifully...and that lovely moment between Hilda and Ellie, when MA recognises and acknowledges the nature of the tie between them.

Thank you Mary.

#78: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:56 pm

Oh, how utterly exquisite. Mary, you've done it again. The candlelight, the music, the love between Hilda and Ellie - I haven't the words! If I thought the image of the Christmas decorations was exquisite, and a beautiful one to carry in my mind until the board returns, then this one is even more wondrous. And the descriptions are so incredibly vivid - the way you use language is so perfect.

Quote:

I've decided that while the Board is away, I shall practise writing ND in that code. It would be so much quicker - and certainly more to the point! And think of the space saved!

Don't you dare! We want the full version, please, in all its loveliness!

Merci, cherie.

#79: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 5:39 am

Katya wrote:

*aw*

*satisfied sigh*

Oh, yes, I agree! Laughing

The CBB -> Starting again at Sarres...

output generated using printer-friendly topic mod, All times are GMT

Page 1 of 1