The CBB :: View topic - Chalet Street Comp

#1: Chalet Street Comp Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:39 pm

I don't believe it, it was still in our recycle bin. Very Happy

Warning: It's non-canon

"Oh for God's sake, will you hurry up!"

"What’s wrong, Vi? Don’t tell me you actually want to go to school?"

"You must be joking! That dump? I only want to get in early so’s I can see the others. Now will you hurry up!" and with this, fifteen year-old Vi Lucy turned to glare at her cousin, Barbara Chester, who was starting at the Comp that day.

Barbara was a quiet girl who had been ill for most of her childhood. Her mother was very protective and until now, Barbara had attended an all-girls’ private school while Barbara’s two elder sisters, Beth and Nancy had attended Chalet Street Comprehensive with their Lucy cousins.

Now, however, money was tight and Mrs Chester had had to let Barbara leave St Josephine’s and go to the Comp, which had the honour of coming second to last place in the local league tables.

Barbara sighed as she followed Vi through the broken gates and narrowly avoided a muddy football kicked directly at her by a group of scruffy lads.

She liked Vi but was not so sure of some of her friends, namely, ‘the Gang’, who had a reputation of being a clique of some of the toughest girls in the school, led by one of the wildest girls in the district.

Vi pushed past some first years and led the way behind the bike sheds. Barbara nervously followed her, wondering why Vi was going there. They didn’t have bikes! However she was soon enlightened as she saw four of Vi’s friends, all sat there, smoking. One girl, Cat Watson, was putting on some more eyeliner and Ruth Barnes and Chris Vincent were reading More magazine. The fourth girl, Hilary Bennett, was holding forth about her date on Saturday night with one of the sixth form boys.

"He’s fit, but he was a rubbish snog and he only took me to the Rose and Crown," she concluded, before turning to Vi and, standing behind her, Barbara. "All right, Vi, who’s this?"

"This is my cousin, Barbara." Vi threw herself on the grass and took one of the cigarettes. "Mum said I have to look after her for the first few days." Her tone told them all what a bore she thought it was.

Barbara felt uncomfortable, especially when Chris hissed at her to sit down before she was seen by one of the teachers. She sat there in silence.

"Where’s Maz?" Vi asked, referring to their leader, Mary-Louise Trelawney, whom everyone called Maz. "Is she still suspended?"

"Nah, she’s coming back today. I went round to her Mum’s last night and she said she’d be in." Ruth said, offering Barbara a cigarette and looking surprised when she refused. "She was out on a bender with Jo Maynard all weekend so I expect she’s skiving first lesson. S’only Geography."

They sat there gossiping until a bell rang. None of them made any move to get up except for Barbara.

"Vi, I think I’ve got to go to the office." She said, unhappily.

"Oh - all right." Vi got up, reluctantly, "Ruth, tell Maz I’ll see her at Break, all right?"

Barbara went to school office, where Vi left her and a harassed-looking woman called Miss Dene told her she would be in 4D.

"Just down the corridor and turn left, third door on the right," she said. "If you hurry you’ll just be in time for Registration. You need to be there before the second bell rings in future. Off you go, dear."

Barbara followed the directions and nervously knocked on the door. It sounded as if there was a riot happening inside, so eventually she just turned the handle and walked in.

The teacher looked suicidal. Barbara introduced herself to him, feeling sick with nerves.

"I’m Mr Denny, I’m your form teacher," he replied, equally as nervously. The class were all lounging around talking and he made no move to shut them up. "Take a seat over there."

He proceded to attempt to take the register, but the class ignored him and chatted on. One or two of the boys wolf-whistled at pretty Barbara as she sat down and she blushed. Some of the girls in the class looked daggers at her.

"What’s your name?" asked the girl who was sat next to her.

"I’m Barbara Chester," Barbara replied, grateful to speak to somebody. "What’s yours?"

"Verity," the girl replied, taking out a nail file to do her nails. "Verity Carey."

Barbara froze. She’d heard about Verity Carey from Vi, she was Maz Trelawney’s stepsister. Her father was in prison and Verity herself was talked about with almost as much fear around town as Maz herself.

"Just my lucky day." Barbara thought, miserably.

Barbara had to wait until break to see Vi again, as they had been put into different Geography classes, although Ruth and Cat tolerated her sitting with them.

It was obvious that not a lot of work got done at Chalet Street Comp. Whereas Mr Denny had been completely unable to control the class, Miss Wilson, the Geography teacher, did not seem bothered about what the class were doing. Barbara was rather shocked at this and even more so at the behaviour of most of her classmates, although she knew enough not to admit it to the Gang.

Finally the bell rang for break (although many of the class had simply got up and left before the bell anyway) and everyone headed for the back field, where the school congregated at break and lunchtimes. Miss Wilson headed off to the staffroom for a much needed cigarette and cup of coffee.

Barbara followed Cat to the girls’ lavatories that were the preferred hangout of the Gang, when they were not watching (or indeed having) fights or flirting with the boys’ football team.

Verity was there already, and it wasn’t long until all the members of the gang, excluding their leader, were present, namely Vi, Lesley, Hilary, Ruth, Chris, Cat, Jo Scott and two members of the Russell-Bettany-Maynard criminal family that ruled the Freudesheim Estate, Maeve and Josette. The latter pair were nieces of the infamous Jo Maynard, who had eleven children yet could still go partying all weekend in the clubs in the town centre. Still, Barbara reflected, with all the benefits she was receiving as a single mother, she could no doubt afford to!

The next minute, the door was flung open. Some of the less hardened members of the Gang went to stub out their cigarettes, but it was only the fearsome Maz, who glared around the lavatories with a scowl.

"What's up with you, Maz?" Josette asked, producing a bottle of vodka from inside one of the cisterns.

“I got wasted last night, that’s all,” Maz snapped, perching on one of the sinks and taking a swig of the vodka. “That’s better. Listen, Gang, I told Jo we’d go round hers tonight.”

She noticed and then glared at Barbara. “Who are you?” she demanded.

Vi stepped forward, “Maz, this is my cousin, Barbara, the one I was telling you about,” she said.

“Oh, yeah, I remember. Listen to me, Babs, this is where me and my Gang hang out and we don’t like anyone who isn’t in the Gang to hang out with us, however, ‘cos I owe Vi one for looking after me last time I took a bad trip, I’m going to be nice and let you hang out with us, all right? Until I get fed up with you, anyway.”

Barbara nodded, hoping her trembling would go unnoticed. “Th-thank you, Maz,” She stuttered.

“Only do something about her hair and make-up, won’t you, Vi? We don’t want to be shown up in front of the lads, do we?”

“I’ll sort it, Maz.” Vi said, calmly, pulling Barbara back beside her and thrusting a cigarette into her mouth before she could say anything. She could see her cousin was boiling with rage but there was no way Barbara could beat Maz Trelawney in a fight.

“What are we going to do at Jo’s?” she added, quickly.

“Anna’s cooked up a special batch.” Maz replied, with a smile, “And Jo says we can be the first to sample it.”

"Vi," Barbara whispered nervously, as they waited for the school bus to arrive, "Where are we going and what’s going to happen when we get there?"

Vi rolled her eyes, "God, Babs, do you have to be so wet? Maz told us where we were going, we’re going to Jo’s maisonette, then we’ll probably go and meet the lads in the park."

"To do what?" Barbara wondered what her mother would say if she knew she had gone to Freudesheim, the roughest of all the local estates.

"To get wasted, of course. We always do it."

"But what am I going to tell my mum?"

"Oh, what are you like? Look, here’s my mobile, send her a text or something, say you’re staying at Ruth’s tonight with me. Jo’ll let you crash at hers, anyway. We always do it! Look, Babs, if you want to join our Gang - and it would be well cool if you did - you need to take a chill pill." Vi lounged back against the school railings and added, "but I reckon Anna will have some handy."

Before Barbara could ask who Anna was, the school buses arrived and everyone surged round to get on. The Gang merely shoved their way to the front of it to make sure they got the back seat, although in the entire school, there was not one person brave enough to challenge them for it.

Barbara stuck close to Vi as they entered Freudesheim. It was a typical sink estate, with the usual burnt-out cars, graffiti and crime.

Jo’s flat was on the tenth floor - in fact, it was the tenth floor. A campaign of intimidation from the extended family had forced the other residents out and a terrified council official had willingly given Jo’s large family the whole floor to get her out of his office.

"Alright, Jo!" Maz went straight in, followed by all the Gang and Barbara. Rufus the rottweiler barked and growled, but Jo silenced him with a kick.

“Where’s the kids, Jo?” Verity-Anne asked, sitting down on the sofa. Normally the tenth floor was filled with people.

“Ged and Philangelica are out on the balcony,” Jo said, carelessly. “Don’t know where the others are, probably out with the rest of the kids on the estate. Oh, and Contarelle’s gone round to Lavender’s – you know, the girl below me. The one who keeps getting done by the Social for going off abroad and leaving her kids behind.” Jo sat down and lit up a fag and frowned, “And as for Mike – well, you know what he’s like.”

“God, yeah,” Maz said, taking a bottle of cider out of her schoolbag. “Real black sheep of the family, ain’t he?”

“Yeah,” Jo said, darkly. “I’ve had enough of him, to be honest. He’s always hanging around that library and the other day he actually said he wanted to go into the sixth form – can you believe it? Madge’s Jem nearly had a fit!”

Everyone laughed except for Barbara, who was conscious she also liked the library.

“Ooh, I love your hair, Jo,” Ruth said, coming forward to admire the new lime-green streaks in Jo’s long dark hair. “The colour really suits you.”

“This is my cousin, Barbara.” Vi said, pushing Barbara forward with a glare at her. “All right if she comes out with us?

“Suppose.” Jo took a swig of cider, looking Barbara up and down.

The next thing was the arrival of Anna, who five years before had set up an ecstasy factory on the eighteenth floor of Freudesheim Heights. She was happy to provide the Gang with samples, as long as they kept on introducing the girls and boys at Chalet Street Comp to her wares.

Thus supplied and happy from the chemical buzz, the Gang changed into a selection of tarty club wear or tracksuits and prepared to go to the park looking for some action with some unsavoury men. Unfortunately Jo had to stay in to await the arrival of her on/off boyfriend, Jack, who had fathered most of her children between stints inside for GBH and burglary.

"Everyone thinks he’s a bad ‘un, but I loooooooooove him!" she screeched, holding onto Barbara to hold herself up. "And I looooooove you!"

Barbara, who had carefully thrown her E out of the window when no-one was looking, did not reciprocate Jo’s feelings. She took an unhappy swig of her alcopop, feeling self-conscious in her lime green mini skirt that Vi had demanded she change into.

The Gang were out on the balcony, Verity-Anne was talking to Maz in her soft, psychotic voice and Vi was busy putting on enough foundation to make her face the most becoming shade of bright orange. Jo had collapsed on the floor in a drunken stupor and Barbara wondered if she could make a run for it. She seized her schoolbag and prepared to escape.

However, just as she had reached the door, it was kicked open and it hit her in the face, knocking her flat onto the floor Everyone laughed raucously and as she looked up, her insides felt like they were melting from fear.

It was several members of an infamous gang of men, comprising the Russells-Bettany-Maynards and those who ‘worked’ for them in their various car stealing and drugs rackets. The Gang immediately went into predatory mode and fluttered their eyelashes.

Even naïve Barbara had heard of ‘The Doctors’.

Several hours later, Barbara found herself spread-eagled on the floor of a toilet cubicle, with the room spinning around her. She groaned, wondering just how she had gotten so drunk. The loud disco music wasn’t helping with her nausea either.

It seemed like days, not hours, since she had picked herself up from the floor at Jo Maynard’s and followed the Gang meekly downstairs. Maz had used her dubious charms to entice the men to the park, where they had all copped off with each other, leaving Barbara to mind the cider.

Oh, yes, the cider… Barbara shuddered, that had been the start of her problems. It just hadn’t tasted too alcoholic… ugh.

And from the park, some of the ‘Doctors’ had nicked a couple of cars and they had gone on to Ritzy’s Nite Club. Barbara recalled the shock of seeing Maz, when challenged for ID, simply headbutt the bouncer in the face and step over his prone body.

Barbara was shaken out of her reverie. The door to the toilets had been kicked open with some force.

“Maz! Come out here, quick! That Hilda Jukes is trying to get off with your Dave! We’re gonna flatten her face, the fat cow!”

Barbara carefully got to the feet and staggered outside. She saw Cat and Chris bending over Maz, who lay there still, grey, and to all appearances, dead!

“Is she…” Barbara slurred, hanging onto Cat for support.

“She’s paralytic, come on, Verity-Anne’s getting us some weed for later.” Cat pushed Barbara off her with a snotty look.

“But we can’t leave her…” Barbara began, but the girls did so anyway.

Barbara kicked Maz gently with her foot. Maz groaned, came to, sat up and crawled to the nearest toilet to vomit.

“Will you hold my hair? I can do it myself of course, but there’s such masses of it...” Maz broke off mid sentence and Barbara had no choice but to oblige and, to the Gang’s utter amazement, when Maz and Barbara both emerged from the toilets, they seemed to be the best of friends….

Back in school the following afternoon (for the Gang had been unable to arrive before lunchtime due to horrendous hangovers) the gossip spread like wildfire. Maz and that wimpy new girl, Barbara Chester, were now best mates!

“I told you if you made an effort you’d be accepted into the Gang.” Vi said, pleased but also a little jealous that it was not herself who had been granted the honour. “And you never even had to do the Initiation, you lucky cow!”

Ruth was even more envious. She had snogged a boy on the dancefloor at Ritzy’s who had then been sick all over her, in front of everyone and the unsympathetic Gang had been unanimous in their derision. She was now trying desperately too hard to get back into their favour.

“Come on, Babs,” Maz said, linking arms with Barbara and dragging her off to the second year toilets for a cigarette. “I’m having a party next week and you can help me decide who I want to ask to it. Do you reckon Gaudenz would come if I asked him?”

“Course he would,” Barbara replied. Gaudenz was the school caretaker who had been having an on/off fling with Maz for months. “But I thought you were seeing Dave Russell?” she added. She was pleased to have been chosen by Maz to be best mates but still could not shake off her justifiable nervousness of the other girl.

“Oh yeah, I’d forgotten him. I don’t want him to know about Gaudenz, after all, I only cop off with him during lunch, don’t I? Oh and that time Dave went inside for three months for battering that shopkeeper who wanted to do us for shoplifting. Oi! Out!”

Three second years, who had wanted to use the lavatories, fled, and Maz sat on one of the sinks and lit up, throwing the packet to Barbara who followed suit.

“Jo’s coming of course. I’m off round hers tonight, you can come with. She reckons Lenorette is banged up by that bloke she’s been seeing. It’s about time she was – she’s nearly fourteen now! Jo just reckons she’s a late starter. You know the other two had kids when they were twelve! Jack was ever so pleased.”

The door of the toilets opened and Joan Baker, the Head Girl of the Comp came in.

Tossing her glossy and expensively-highlighted hair over her shoulder, she smoothed down her exquisitely-cut skirt - sixth formers at the Comp were allowed to wear their own clothes and Joan came from a well-to-do family from the posh end of town – and fixed Maz and Barbara with a glare.

“Maz Trelawney! That’s the third time today I’ve caught you smoking! And you, new girl, you’re both in detention tonight,” she said sternly, in her plummy voice. “Now extinguish those cigarettes immediately and get to class!”

Maz calmly blew a smoke ring in her face and finished her cigarette. “We were going anyway, you stupid cow.”

*

After detention, Maz stomped down to Freudesheim Heights to see Jo. Barbara had had to go to her gran’s and the rest of the Gang had decided to go shoplifting down the precinct but Maz was determined to talk to Jo about formulating a plan for revenge against Joan Baker.

The lift wasn’t working, so she had to climb ten flights of stairs, which wasn’t easy in her school stilettos.

Jack opened the door, looking disreputable with his shirt unbuttoned to the waist and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. He belched.

“Alright, Jack. Jo in?” she asked, entering the flat.

“What’s up with your gob, Maz? You’ll have to talk about it with me ‘cos Jo’s gone to Bingo. Here you go, have a drink.”

Maz took a swig of her alcopop and then set it on the floor at the side of her chair where Rufus the Rottweiller cocked a speculative eye at it, though he remained where he was for the moment. "Alright," she said resignedly.

"Get a move on then, girl. I ain’t got all night.”

“It’s this girl in school, Joan Baker. She’s the Head Girl of the Comp.”

"What about her?" Jack looked bored.

"I want to get back at her, she's given me hassle too many times." Maz casually flicked her fag ash into her empty bottle. None of the Gang believed in consuming alcohol in a leisurely fashion. "Her and that swotty boyfriend of hers. You know Victor Coles, don't you? His Dad owns the Chip Palace in the Precinct. They live up the Avenue in one of those big houses. They think they're God's gift to the Comp."

"Prob'ly best to speak to Jo about this, girl. Hang on, did you say the Chip Palace? Dick's lads are doing that over tomorrow night. And I know a couple of the Doctors have got their eye on the Avenue. That do yer?"

Maz grinned, "Nice one! So is it back on then with you and Jo?"

Jack sighed, "Yeah, but she wants to get married. We were gonna use some of Lenorette's payout from the Social, but she ain't pregnant after all. Don't know how we're gonna afford it now. I bought a lottery ticket just in case but I think I'm gonna have to shift some of the loot from the Avenue job. Oh, did we tell you our Steve's got an ASBO now? He's finally caught up with the other lads. Jo was ever so worried about him. We thought he was going soft like Mike." Jack's face darkened.

"Think the Lottery's starting now," Maz said, glancing at the watch Dave Russell had nicked for her last birthday.

Jack leaned forward, kicking Rufus out of the way with a couple of rude words and turned on the telly. At that moment, loud music came up from the flats below, drowning out the sound and he swore again.

“Who’s that?” Maz asked, interested. It was very rare to find any of the other tenants annoying the Maynards, most literally lived in fear of their lives since a nice old lady, Miss Bubb by name, had dared to knock on the door after the last Russell-Bettany family party bender that had lasted an epic six days and involved 24 hour rampaging through the estate.

Miss Bubb had never told anyone what ‘Mad Madge' Russell had said to her, but it was rumoured to have caused her near-fatal heart attack and swift relocation by the Council before too many questions could be asked.
The only person on the estate the Maynard family respected was Anna, who had craftily ensured she was very much needed by the family – and by their collective drug habit.

“Some women moved in this morning – three birds about the same age as Madge, don’t know their names, but they’ve had enough blokes coming up the stairs. Jo reckons they’re prozzies but she ain’t had time to go down and tell ‘em what’s what, like.” Jack banged on the floor with a chair. “Our Lenorette’s boyfriend’s gone down there but he ain’t come back yet, filthy little sod. No wonder she ain’t pregnant yet!” Jack looked sour again, “Tell you what, Maz, I’ve got a hell of a lot to put up with!”

Maz smiled sympathetically, but her attention was caught by the television, the lottery numbers were about to be announced.

“Jack – look, where’s your ticket? I’d better write them down – 11, 4, 49, 13, 15 and 27. Are they yours?”

Jack patted all his pockets, then checked the floor with increasing dismay. “Oh no,” he kept on saying, “Oh nooooo!”

“Never mind, eh.” Maz said, opening another bottle of her favourite lime green alcopop. “The odds of winning that are, like, well dodgy.”

“No – you don’t understand!” Jack said, “We have won! But I can’t find the bleedin ticket! Look, 11 – that’s how many kids we’ve got, 4 is how many times I’ve been inside this year, 49 is the amount we earn in benefits – in thousands, of course – 13 and 15 was how old we both was when Jo got knocked up for the first time and 27 is how old I was when I became a granddad. We’ve won! But I can’t find the ticket!”

Maz and Jack were still tearing up the flat when Jo arrived home with her modest bingo winnings (no-one ever dared challenge her claims of victory).

“What’s going on?” she asked, lighting up a cigarette and surveying the scene before her.

“We’ve won the lottery, girl, but I’ve lost the ticket!” Jack said mournfully.

“You WHAT!” Jo shouted, the cigarette dropping from her mouth, unnoticed.

Jack repeated what he had said.“It was a rollover as well, luv. Eighteen million quid.”

Jo fixed him with the Bettany glare.

“Jack Maynard, you’re just a stupid lump of crap!”

The residents of Freudesheim Heights had locked their doors. Jo Bettany and Jack Maynard’s screaming reverberated around the whole towerblock. In fact, the residents thought it was probably the worst row the couple had ever had, even worse than the one after Social Services had taken some of the younger children away and Joey had only noticed when she went to collect her Child Support. They trembled when they heard the screech of the many (stolen) cars and motorbikes that heralded the arrival of the whole extended family outside, as well as the fearsome ‘Doctors’.

However they were slightly bemused when they peeped nervously out of their windows and saw everyone hunting for something on the ground, even in dustbins. It was very strange behaviour indeed - even for that family.

Rumours flew around the building – had Jack lost some money? His stash of coke? A can of Special brew? A child?

On the fourth floor, the three new arrivals didn’t care. They were currently ‘entertaining’ three middle-aged men and one young man who was really risking life and limb if his girlfriend’s family ever found one that he had spent two hours with an attractive Frenchwoman at a cost of £30 an hour… and not one of the many ‘houses’ under Jem Russell’s control.

Still, young Reg, thought, it was worth it. Simone certainly knew what she was doing. And from what someone had said on the stairs, apparently Frieda and Marie were even better!

Maz was comforting a tearful Joey.

“I just don’t believe it – eighteen million! We coulda made something of ourselves,” she sobbed. “I could have had my fairytale dream wedding… We could’ve gone away to Aiya Napa… I even would’ve paid for Mike to go to that awful place – what’s it called again, Maz, oh yeah, university… It’s all gone because that moron couldn’t keep hold of a bit of paper!”

“It’ll turn up Jo, honest. Everyone’s looking for it… Where does Jack normally put his stuff?”

“Dunno. He’s probably given it to another girl – God, I hate ‘im! Whatever you do, Maz, don’t get stuck with a useless tosspot like I did…”

Jack himself came in then, looking hangdog. “I’m sorry, princess – I ain’t got a clue what I could’ve done with it… All I did was come in, turn on the telly, then sit down on the settee.”

“I’m gonna kill you – then Jem’s gonna kill you even more!”

Suddenly the washing machine went into its usual ear splitting final spin. It even drowned out Joey's screeching. The whole of the tower block shook.

Comprehension dawned (slowly) across Jack's face, “An’ I put me jacket in the wash!”

Jo reached it first, wrenching the door open regardless of the torrent that came out of the machine. She grabbed Jack’s coat, feverishly searching the pockets.

Maz and Jack held their collective breath… would the ticket have survived?

"YEEEEEEEESSSS!" Jo shrieked, "IT’S HERE! I’M RICH!"

Jack breathed a sigh of relief and unconsciously reached down to check the part of his anatomy that Jo had threatened to remove.

Maz looked at Jo, for a moment her eyes narrowed. What she would give for 18 million quid! Still, there was no reason why she shouldn’t have a share of it… Years of being Jo’s mate and supporting her as she lurched from one crisis to another would finally be recompensed - right?

Jem Russell looked up at Freudesheim Heights, as the windows rattled from Jo’s screams and gave a chilling smile. So the ticket wasn’t one of Jack Maynard’s drug-induced hallucinations after all. Excellent - he had great plans for that money and woe betide anyone who got in his way.

Anna Pfeiffen looked up from her chemical machinations and made plans for a bumper batch of lemon (disco) biscuits.

Jo’s younger offspring looked at each other hopefully - surely they would now get some dinner?

At school on Monday the Gang were agog to hear the latest news.

“Maz, is it true that Jo won eighteen million on the lottery? How’s she spending the money?” Vi screamed across the classroom. Mr Denny didn’t call her to order, like the rest of the staff he was also dying to know if the rumours were true.

“Nah. There was twelve other winners, so she got £1.5 mill. We had a brill party once she found the ticket. I was paralytic!” Maz screeched back. “She sez she’s gonna take me an’ Barbara to Aiya Napa next month.”

“Why Babara?” Vi asked, stung.

“Cos she’s my best mate.” Maz returned, with a glare. “So shut up.”

Vi subsided, with a sulk on her face and a mutter.

“Am I really going to Aiya Napa, Maz?” Barbara asked, nervously.

“Yeah, course! Jo owes me.” Maz said, with a chilling smile.

*

“I’ve got to get my motorbike fixed!”

“I need these new trainers!”

“Mum, can I have £20 to get my nails done?”

“Auntie Jo, can you lend me 40 nicker for me rent arrears?”

“Mummy, can I go and buy Rufus a can of dog food?”

“ENOUGH!” Jo roared. “It’s my money and you ain’t having any more of it!” She tossed her newly-streaked hair and admired her diamante-studded nails appreciatively, smoothing down her brand-new designer tracksuit. “Ere, Ged, you can go and get some chips down the Chip Palace for everyone.” She threw her three year-old a twenty pound note. “That’s if our Jackie an’ Maurice ain’t done it over yet. If they have, tell ‘em you want free chips.”

“OK Ma.” Ged scarpered before she could take the money back.

“Jo – is it okay if I have 80p for a can of Special Brew?” Jack asked miserably.

“Oh for the love of Mike!” Jo screeched, exasperated. “How many times! No! I’m saving every penny of it for the wedding. You can have a drink then!”

Maz went with Joey to the fitting for the dress. They went to the classiest shop in town and the assistant came forward with her measuring tape to take Joey's measurements.

Suddenly she paused and took Joey's waist measurement again.

"What's goin' on?" Jo demanded rudely, "Hurry up willya? I want to have a cig!"

"I'm sorry," the girl said, timidly, "It's just your waist is really - well, big? Like out of proportion?"

"Oh nooooo!" Jo wailed, "I'm preggers again!"

#2: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:45 pm

SIX MONTHS LATER

Old Hilda woke up and groaned. It was far too early to be awake, even in the depths of her binbag blanket, under the Freudesheim Estate bins it was cold. And those cans of Special Brew she and her fellow bag lady had consumed, well, she wouldn't say no to another right now.

"Nellie," she said, kicking her companion, "Gorranovver can?"

Nellie told her where to go, clinging onto her half-empty bottle of drain cleaner with a force that belied her intoxication.

Hilda swore horribly and turned onto her side, then sat bolt upright, trying to focus her bloodshot eyes and kicking Nellie harder.

"Whorrizzit Hilda," Nellie managed, regaining consciousness.

They both stared.

After all it wasn't everyday they shared their 'home' with a naked man.

Especially one covered in shaving foam and cling film and handcuffed to a lampost...

In Freudesheim Heights, Jo, lying between oyster satin sheets, stretched out and smiled to herself.

Today was the day she would finally get the wedding she had been dreaming of since she was a little girl in India Street. It was a shame that most of the money had gone on the Bettany boys’ bail money when they had legged it to Spain, but who needed money when you had True Love?

Besides, the money she received in benefits was enough for her little luxuries. At least Ged and Philangelica were old enough to shoplift now and that was a big help.

She lay there for a further few minutes, staring at the ceiling, admiring the mirrored effect. Despite the huge encumbrance of her twelfth and thirteenth children, she was looking gorgeous. The memories of the hen night were a little patchy, but they would come in time.

Suddenly she froze. Mirrored ceiling? Oyster satin sheets? This wasn’t her bedroom! Where was she?

Hazy images became sharper as Joey sat up, clutching the sheet to herself, and started remembering where she and her hen party had gone the previous night.

They had started the evening at the flat with some drinks… then Anna had popped up with some of her latest stuff – though she’d had the cheek to look at Jo’s protruding bump with concern! Nosy cow, as if it was any of her business!

The limo she’d hired to get to Ritzy’s Nite Club had arrived late, and festooned with pink ribbons instead of her favourite lime green to match her wedding dress.

The Gang – her bridesmaids – had spent most of the night snogging blokes and fighting as usual, but Maz had been spending all her time with that girl Barbara… or Babz, as Maz had rechristened her - when she should have been listening to all Jo’s complaints. That was the job of the chief bridesmaid, wasn’t it? Jo frowned, remembering.

And worst of all, Jack and his stag party had come in just before the club closed… It was unlucky for the bridegroom to see the bride the night before the wedding! That was why Jack had been sleeping on Jem’s sofa for three weeks, just in case, and now it was all spoilt.

She remembered snogging Eigen, that asylum seeker from the second floor – and even having a bit of a session with the barman, what was his name? Oh yes, Kester something, daft name… but she was absolutely certain that she would never have gone home with either of them, no matter how wasted she had been.

The mystery was solved however, as the door opened…

And a chic young woman in a negligee came in, carrying a tray containing a champagne breakfast.

“What…” Joey was too surprised to speak. Where was she and who was this?

“Ah, so you are awake, ma cherie! Here I bring you a petit dejeuner.” Dark eyes gazed at Jo adoringly, “Do you feel better this morning, my Jo?”

“I – er – yeah.” Jo said, recognising one of the disreputable women from the floor below and relaxing slightly. At least she hadn’t gotten so smashed she’d gone home with any of the ‘doctors’.

“See, I bring you champagne… and strawberries… so luxurious, no? So… romantique.” The French woman leaned forward and delicately smoothed Jo’s green clump of hair back from her face in a loving gesture.

Jo manoeuvred herself out of bed at once!

“Look, whatever your name, is I’ve got to go. Ta for the champers though,” Jo picked up the bottle and stashed it into her handbag, practically running from the room.

“But my Jo, have you forgotten your dear Simone?” Simone’s eyes filled with tears.

Old Hilda found a stick to poke the naked man with while Nellie bashed him with her carrier bags. It took a lot of effort but eventually he stirred, then sat up with a groan and an outburst of swearing when he realised the predicament he was in. Nellie eyed him hopefully and blurted out the issue uppermost on her mind.

“Have you got 80p for a can of Special, luv?”

Jack looked down at his naked, shaving-foamed and cling-filmed self and gave her a look of utter scorn.

Dick Bettany arrived at the Freudesheim Estate dressed in his best suit. He was not very happy about the forthcoming nuptials, having a very low opinion of Jack Maynard and his petty criminal activities (despite his own misdemeanours in that area). He was also annoyed that his sons had been forced to jump bail and head of for Spain following the chip shop robbery that Jack had masterminded.

He was aggravated to see that Jo was not ready yet, despite the monster limousine waiting outside the Heights, though his spirits rose slightly as he glimpsed some of the bridesmaids sitting within. Shrugging, he went to join them.

*

“Where’s me veil!” Jo screeched, as Anna, Maz, and an adoring Simone tried to calm her down. She had squeezed into the beautiful dress in the fetching lime green colour that completely disguised her protruding stomach, or so she thought. Maz’s own lime green outfit had also been as a result of her wishes.

“It’s here, my Jo, on your bed,” Simone said, wistfully glancing at the bed in question.

“And I fix your tiara, like so,” Anna said, plonking it on Jo’s head and making sure she had a good supply of tablets fixed into the shocking pink flowers of her bouquet.

“Ta,” Jo said, taking a swig of vodka to calm her nerves.

Maz came back into the room with a bottle of Diamond White, which she nearly dropped when she saw Jo in all her finery.

“You look gorgeous, Jo,” she said, finally.

“Ta, I know,” Jo said demurely, taking a last gasp on her fag. “Come on then girls, s’pose we’d better go down.”

The lift wasn’t working, so they went down twelve floors with the girls holding Jo’s voluminous skirts clear of the urine-sodden floor.

Dick got out of the limousine hastily and two of the bridesmaids rearranged their skirts.

It was five past ten when Dick and Joey reached the church.

After his look of utter scorn, Jack was ill, which although it was unpleasant, had the welcome effect of scaring off Nellie and Old Hilda. Jack was pleased, he hadn’t liked the way Old Hilda had been trying to squint through his cling film, the dirty mare!

However their going presented another problem, he was still chained to the lamp post and his blood ran cold when he realised that it was probably quite late and Jo might even be waiting for him at the church.

Shivering with the thought of what Jem and Dick – or horrors, Mad Madge – might do to him if he stood Jo up at the altar (he couldn't even begin to think about Jo's own revenge) he began to shout loudly, hoping one of the ‘doctors’ might have a twinge of conscience and come back and release him – before Old Hilda came back.

Luckily his old mate and best man, Gravesy, turned up, still hammered from the night before. After Jack had impressed on him the seriousness of the situation, Gravesy managed to free his friend and they weaved their unsteady way back to Gravesy’s bedsit where they hurriedly dressed in their suits, drank a bottle of White Lightning each and dashed down to the church.

“Bleedin ‘ell, she’s not ‘ere yet,” Jack said with relief.

“Come on then, mate,” Gravesy said, his sharp eyes spotting the lime green limousine making its approach and they hurried up to the altar, where they stood and waited for the bride.

#3: Author: Rosy, Location: Gloucestershire-London-Aberystwyth

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:57 pm

Oh thank goodness! Hurrah. That's fabulous.

#4: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:58 pm

Yipppeeeeee!!!!!! Laughing

You found it!

You must write more of this Mia! Laughing

#5: Author: Eilidh, Location: Macclesfield

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 7:09 pm

Wonderful!

Did you find them both or just this one?

#6: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 7:14 pm

I found them both Very Happy

and I think all I've lost are the edits I made before putting all my stuff from Word onto the board and of course the comments which is awful. I'm not posting my longer ones cos I'll presumably have to move them all again! I could murder this hacker. Why pick on us and Biggles?

#7: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:19 pm

Glad you found them Very Happy

#8: Author: Charlotte, Location: Home in Wrexham!!! :D Except when I'm not...

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:06 pm

You have totally made my mum's day!! Very Happy

(and mine... but Smile

)

#9: Author: Sam, Location: Essex, UK

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:12 pm

Hurray! I never *did* finish reading this!

#10: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:18 pm

Woohooo! Now write more please!

Thanks Mia

#11: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 7:44 am

Yay!

So glad you found this Mia Mexican Wave

#12: Author: alicat, Location: Wiltshire

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:15 pm

Mia thank you so much for this I have just laughed so much the whole office now knows I'm bonkers.

Please please carry it on........ Mexican Wave

#13: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 2:48 pm

I'm so glad this isn't gone for good! Thanks, Mia.
Mexican Wave

#14: Author: LL, Location: madpanicaaaarghmove, London

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:04 pm

yayyyy I love this Mia!

#15: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:10 pm

LL wrote:

yayyyy I love this Mia!

LOL now you can read it without the yibble at last Smile

#16: Author: meerium, Location: belfast, northern ireland

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:02 pm

Oh, Mia, excellent! I was loving this, but it's good to reread the early bits - Verity-Ann is so definitely a stoner - explains all the mooning about! Razz

#17: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:52 pm

Mia,
I am **SO** glad you have reposted this !
I needed the giggles !
Laughing

#18: Author: Róisín, Location: Gaillimh, Eire

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 5:46 pm

Hurrah!!! This really is one of the best drabbles *ever* Cool

#19: Author: Tiffany, Location: madthesispanicargh

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 4:07 pm

I'm so glad it was found, Mia! *giggles* Will there be More, please?

#20: Author: Kat,

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 4:44 pm

Huzzah!!!

So glad you found this Mia, it rocks!

#21: Author: Le Petite Em, Location: Cheltenham

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 6:32 pm

Hehehehe this is hilarious Mia!!! Is there more to come? Laughing

#22: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 6:40 pm

Thanks, Mia. I'm glad you were able to find this again. It really is great to read!

#23: Author: JustJen, Location: sitting on the steps

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:49 pm

I'm so glad you found your story.
Please update soon.

The CBB -> Starting again at Sarres...

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