New Dreams - Part 11 - Completed 19/12
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The CBB -> Ste Therese's House

#1: New Dreams - Part 11 - Completed 19/12 Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 9:46 pm
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If anyone would like the doc to the earlier parts of ND (and some of them are quite short!) please feel free to email or PM. They are also of course in the archives.

Identity Hunt wrote:
But lots more about the elusive and enigmatic Sr Catherine, please, dear Mary !

Can you wait just a few posts, Sian? It is coming, I promise! Laughing

Thank you all for the lovely comments on those few days of peace after Christmas. But Mother Abbess has now decided to liven things up a little! Shocked


At the end of that peaceful week, on the morning before New Year’s Eve, Mother Abbess stopped Hilda on her way out of the dining room after breakfast. She took her by the shoulders and searched her face. “You are looking so much better,” she crowed with delight. “I can see some colour in those cheeks of yours. Our regime seems to be working.”

Hilda smiled her affection. “It does indeed, though why you should all be so good to such a stubborn woman defeats me. Every time I see you I cause you problems.”

Mother Abbess winked at her. “Put it down to our saintliness.” Hilda hooted softly, but the nun ignored her and continued calmly, “As the day is so balmy for the end of December, I was wondering if you would like to venture out this afternoon, have our meeting on the beach instead of my office.”

“I’d love it,” answered Hilda innocently, and Mother Abbess grinned to herself.

Wrapped up warmly, the two women met at the Convent’s little car after Hilda’s afternoon nap. A short discussion ensued on where to go and then Hilda moved round to the passenger side. However, as she opened the door a movement from Mother Abbess caught her eye and she looked across the roof of the car – to see the nun holding out the car keys to her. She stared at them in horror, and Mother Abbess watched the colour fade from the cheeks and a defeated look appear in the eyes.

“I can’t” she whispered. “Please don’t ask me.”

Mother Abbess marched round the car and once more took Hilda by the shoulders. “Child, we’ve scotched most of your other fears and guilts. This remains. Get over this and then those flashbacks you’re still getting might also disappear. I suspect you’re even getting a nightmare or two, as well, aren’t you?” Hilda nodded, her mouth too dry to speak. “I know you can sit in a car – you’ve done it here.”

Hilda licked her dry lips. “I had to get back to school when I left the San, so yes, I can get in a car.”

“But I bet you were scared stiff that first time,” nodded Mother Abbess. Hilda just stared at her, acknowledging the truth of those words. “Did you know Ian can’t even do that?” asked the nun abruptly.

“But he broke an ankle and some ribs. He’s only just had the plaster off. He couldn’t…”

“Of course he could,” snapped Mother Abbess. “He can’t face it because he’s too scared, says all he can think of is how he nearly killed you. So don’t even talk of cowardice where you’re concerned.”

“I wasn’t….”

“Yes, you were! You’re no coward, trust me. It’s a perfectly natural fear, love,” and her voice softened. “But in my guise as your counsellor we’re going to beat this as well today. Then you can go back to Switzerland and do the same for Ian. Shame him into it!”

She was all briskness and cheerfulness, brooking no refusal. Hilda was going to do this if it took all day. Inwardly the nun was afraid of that over-active imagination of Hilda’s, but the longer this was left the worse it would be.

“You need to use your car as Headmistress, don’t you?” she asked calmly. “You can’t always have someone else running after you, carting you everywhere. And what would Ellie think of you? What kind of example would you be setting her?”

“Oh, that wasn’t fair!” whispered Hilda. Mother Abbess remained silent. She had taken a gamble. Would it work? Hilda stared at her, eyes wide with trepidation, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip. Suddenly a brief spark of amusement lit her eyes and she plucked the keys from her friend’s hand. “That was truly below the belt! I pity your poor Sisters. No wonder Pauline was in fear and trembling the other day.”

Mother Abbess breathed a sigh of relief and eased her tense shoulders. “I didn’t get to be Abbess by being soft, I can assure you, my dear. They know I mean business when I talk like this, even if you don’t yet. Now, get in, before you change your mind,” and practically pushing Hilda into the driver’s seat she walked swiftly round to the other side and jumped in.

Hilda slowly fitted the key and turned the ignition, then sat with her hands clenched tightly round the wheel, staring straight ahead through the windscreen. With a loud sigh of exasperation, Mother Abbess released the brake. “Move! Now! Before I get back out and start pushing.”

Hilda turned her head. “You would, too,” she muttered. “Nag! Nag! Nag! That’s all I get from you and Pauline. I’m the most harried woman in creation.”

“Humph! I haven’t started yet,” responded Mother Abbess crossly. “But if we don’t start soon we won’t have time to enjoy that beach and I, for one, need some fresh air.”

Hilda faced the front again, took a deep, trembling breath then blew it out again. She pressed down cautiously on the accelerator and the car eased forward, only to stop abruptly. “I can’t!” she whispered, her knuckles turning white.

“Yes, you can,” said the nun very quietly, sensing the time to be brisk was gone. “I have every confidence in you, child. You’ve managed everything else I have asked. You can manage this. I don’t care how slowly you drive, or how many mistakes you make. This is a quiet road. You’re safe.”

She kept up a quiet litany and gradually the car inched forward again. Slowly, the nose of the car poked itself out of the gate, and they found themselves somehow out in the narrow road. Mother Abbess could feel the tension vibrating in the slim figure beside her as the car reluctantly picked up speed. Then, suddenly, a foot was stamped hard on the brake and the car stopped abruptly with a great shudder. Another car was coming sedately towards them from the opposite direction.

Mother Abbess let it go by, then said quietly, “See, nothing happened. It didn’t crash into us, didn’t send us hurtling over the verge, didn’t even spare us a glance! The road is wide enough for two, love.”

The brake was released in silence and off they crept again. Soon, however, the speed had reached twenty miles an hour, several cars had passed them by, causing Hilda’s hands to clench even more tightly on the wheel, and they were now approaching a T-junction and a main road. Mother Abbess breathed a prayer for help. But Hilda surprised her. Perhaps she had been saying her own prayers. Perhaps she was beginning to relax a little. She turned right smoothly, no hesitation, and proceeded to push the car steadily up to thirty miles an hour. The hands on the wheel began to unclench, the lips stopped being bitten, Hilda was seen to breathe again.

And then, after several miles – disaster beckoned!

A car coming towards them was overtaken by a little sports car. But the driver had misjudged the timing and there was no room for him to tuck himself back in again. Mother Abbess closed her eyes and braced herself. She could sense Hilda had frozen beside her. Braking would be of no help at all. Dear Lord…

Suddenly they were bumping along the grass verge and the car zoomed safely by them, with a toot of thanks on the horn. Hilda had turned the car at the very last second, and now it drew to a halt with a great groan. Mother Abbess let out her pent-up breath, opened her eyes and turned her head – to see Hilda staring at her. Her face was paper-white and perspiration beaded her forehead but there was a broad grin on her face, triumph in her eyes.

“I did it, Mother! I did it!” she whispered hoarsely. “I don’t know how, though. I saw that tree again, looming right in front of me – and then someone took hold of the wheel….”

She leaned her elbows on the wheel, buried her face in her hands and burst into tears. Mother Abbess reached out a trembling hand arm, laid it round Hilda’s shaking shoulders and let her cry. She felt close to tears herself with the sheer unexpectedness of it all.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” she said eventually. “So very proud. It was you who turned the wheel, you know. Oh, I’ve no doubt prayer helped, but it was very definitely your actions which saved us, despite your terror.”

Hilda raised her head and smiled through her tears. “Thank you,” she whispered tremulously. “I’ve aged twenty years today but I’ll be fine now. Thank you so much for making me face up to this, as well as to everything else,” and she leaned over to kiss the nun.

“I won’t say it was my pleasure,” teased Mother Abbess softly. “Please - don’t ever do that to me again! You might have aged, sweetheart, but I think my hair has turned as white as your Nell’s and in as little time. What is it about you and cars – or coaches?” She brushed Hilda’s cheek gently with unsteady hand and Hilda smiled. “Now, if you could dry your eyes, what say we find a cup of tea somewhere – or even something stronger?” Laughing


Last edited by MaryR on Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:21 pm; edited 62 times in total

#2: Re: New Dreams (Part 9) Into the New Year 4/9 Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 10:12 pm
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Oh Mary! I think I'm almost going to have to quote this whole thing!

Lets get started then!


Quote:
At the end of that peaceful week, on the morning before New Year’s Eve, Mother Abbess stopped Hilda on her way out of the dining room after breakfast. She took her by the shoulders and searched her face. “You are looking so much better,” she crowed with delight. “I can see some colour in those cheeks of yours. Our regime seems to be working.”

Hilda smiled her affection. “It does indeed, though why you should all be so good to such a stubborn woman defeats me. Every time I see you I cause you problems.”


So good to see that Hilda is recovered so much that MA can tell her about it, and then go on to test her.

I'm afraid from here on in, you kept me on a rollercoaster of giggles and sorrow.

Quote:

Mother Abbess winked at her. “Put it down to our saintliness.” Hilda hooted softly, but the nun ignored her and continued calmly, “As the day is so balmy for the end of December, I was wondering if you would like to venture out this afternoon, have our meeting on the beach instead of my office.”

“I’d love it,” answered Hilda innocently, and Mother Abbess grinned to herself.


And I love this! Fantastic!

Quote:
... then Hilda moved round to the passenger side. However, as she opened the door a movement from Mother Abbess caught her eye and she looked across the roof of the car – to see the nun holding out the car keys to her. She stared at them in horror, and Mother Abbess watched the colour fade from the cheeks and a defeated look appear in the eyes.

“I can’t” she whispered. “Please don’t ask me.”


Poor Hilda, yet another challenge. Yet, while it is such a hard thing, some of your wording here makes this almost amusing as well - perhaps that shows that I'm tired, but I don't know...

Quote:
Mother Abbess marched round the car and once more took Hilda by the shoulders. “Child, we’ve scotched most of your other fears and guilts. This remains. Get over this and then those flashbacks you’re still getting might also disappear. I suspect you’re even getting a nightmare or two, as well, aren’t you?” Hilda nodded, her mouth too dry to speak. “I know you can sit in a car – you’ve done it here.”


This is when it starts getting serious. Poor Hilda, it's a challenge, but one she must face.

Quote:

“But I bet you were scared stiff that first time,” nodded Mother Abbess. Hilda just stared at her, acknowledging the truth of those words. “Did you know Ian can’t even do that?” asked the nun abruptly.


And here is the next challenge for Hilda, once she has got past this one...

Quote:
And what would Ellie think of you? What kind of example would you be setting her?”

“Oh, that wasn’t fair!” whispered Hilda. Mother Abbess remained silent. She had taken a gamble. Would it work? Hilda stared at her, eyes wide with trepidation, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip. Suddenly a brief spark of amusement lit her eyes and she plucked the keys from her friend’s hand. “That was truly below the belt!


Poor Hilda, but she did need to hear it, and yes, MA has every reason to be relieved.

Quote:
“Move! Now! Before I get back out and start pushing.”

Hilda turned her head. “You would, too,” she muttered. “Nag! Nag! Nag! That’s all I get from you and Pauline. I’m the most harried woman in creation.”

“Humph! I haven’t started yet,” responded Mother Abbess crossly. “But if we don’t start soon we won’t have time to enjoy that beach and I, for one, need some fresh air.”


*giggle* yes, looks like we are at the top of the roller coaster again! And just about to head down it again as well.

Quote:
“I can’t!” she whispered, her knuckles turning white.
- poor Hilda, but it has to be done, and she knows it.

OK, I'm going to *have* to leave this here, but I shall say that I love the way you have dealt with the drive, up to and including the accident. This bit is so right:

Quote:

“I did it, Mother! I did it!” she whispered hoarsely. “I don’t know how, though. I saw that tree again, looming right in front of me – and then someone took hold of the wheel….”

...

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” she said eventually. “So very proud. It was you who turned the wheel, you know. Oh, I’ve no doubt prayer helped, but it was very definitely your actions which saved us, despite your terror.”


Again, I could quote the whole of this ending Mary. I just love the mother daughter relationship which is coming through again. And thus, Hilda has introduced MA to her next experience. Something else for her book perhaps?

Thank you Mary - and I appologise for going on so long!

#3:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 10:47 pm
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Very realistic episode, Mary - Hilda's fear was very real and, having been left, was growing daily - have to get back after any accident.

(Drove on motorway again only hours after a tyre blowout had sent me crashing into the central crash barrier at 60+ mph! If I hadn't I don't think I'd ever have got back.)


Thanks

#4:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 2:47 am
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Scary! Shocked
Even though it's probably helped a great deal.

*Trusts they'll stick with tea, unless there's a designated driver*
(Reassuring cups of cocoa or milky coffee also acceptable Laughing)

#5:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 3:09 am
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MA was very wise - Hilda had to face that particular fear, otherwise it would still have haunted her. And she knew just when to be firm and when to coax - and blackmail and admonish as well!! Mind you, I'm sure she didn't bargain for that near-miss moment, although oddly enough, it did serve to show Hilda that she could react appropriately and that she was still a capable driver.

Hm, am rather surprised that MA hasn't got a nip of Scotch or something similar lurking about! Although I would stick to tea I think!

Thank you Mary.

#6:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 9:43 am
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*lets out breath again*

Mary! There I am, having a nice read after breakfast and before starting work, and suddenly there's this car coming towards me Shocked Not surprised MA needs something stronger than tea! Wink

A wonderful start to the new section. One really feels for Hilda, having to confront that fear, but MA wasn't going to take no for an answer. Mind you, had she known what was to happen...! That said, the end result is probably far more conclusive precisely because Hilda was required to confront her fear in an even more comprehensive way than MA intended. Really loved this bit:

Quote:
Hilda raised her head and smiled through her tears. “Thank you,” she whispered tremulously. “I’ve aged twenty years today but I’ll be fine now. Thank you so much for making me face up to this, as well as to everything else,” and she leaned over to kiss the nun.

“I won’t say it was my pleasure,” teased Mother Abbess softly.

I hope Hilda will be able to help Ian overcome his fear in due course, though perhaps in a slightly less dramatic manner, if you would?! Wink

Merci, cherie.

#7:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 1:20 pm
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I'm so glad that MA has forced Hilda to confront her fear of driving again, and get behind the wheel for the first time since her accident - though that incident was certainly scary, it proved to her, as nothing else would have done, that she could still automatically react appropriately. I can quite see why MA felt in need of something stronger than tea, too!

I'm also very glad to see how the week or so of living according to the prescription of MA and Sister Pauline has helped Hilda - this was just what she needed to build up her strength for the coming term at school.

As Katya said, a lovely start to this new section. Am looking forward to more - pretty please?!!

Thanks, Mary

#8:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 9:48 pm
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Don't worry, Kathy, as you see, tea it was! Laughing

Did I say it was Mother Abbess livening things up? Hmmm! Well, someone else has decided to get in on the act. Sorry about this! Shocked



The next morning, Mother Abbess was still alternately shuddering and smiling over that escapade as she sat working at her desk. Disaster had so nearly happened, and yet in the end it had all been to the good, for Hilda had lost her fear, driven competently to the nearest village and found them a tea shop, where they had recovered their equilibrium with quantities of tea and cream cakes – followed by a stiff drink when they returned to the Convent.

Now the nun sat dealing with her voluminous correspondence, a task she never seemed to get under control. Hilda had commiserated with her over the task she herself faced day in, day out - and had then taken Ellie off to do some work, for the girl had become over-excited at the thought of more jollity that evening, New Years Eve, and had managed to disturb everyone’s routine even before breakfast was served. But now all was calm and the nun saw herself with a clear desk by lunchtime, a most unusual occurrence. But the calm was not to last. As she drew a clean sheet of paper to her and dated it, there was a tap at the door. Sister Eleanor, her Prioress, appeared, looking somewhat anxious.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, Mother, but a visitor has arrived who wasn’t expected, and she insists on speaking only to you. Apparently I won’t do at all.”

Stifling a sigh, and laying down her pen, Mother Abbess managed a reassuring smile. “Never mind, Sister Eleanor. Send her in and let’s see what we can do for her. I take it she would give no indication of why she is here?”

Sister Eleanor shook her head and departed, to appear some moments later with the person in question. “This is Miss Flaherty, Mother Abbess,” she announced formally and somewhat flatly.

Alerted by her Prioress’s tone, Mother Abbess scrutinised her visitor. Miss Flaherty was a small woman in her late thirties who tottered across the floor of the office on outrageously high heels to shake hands with the nun. Why on earth doesn’t she fall off those and break her ankles, wondered Mother Abbess idly as she indicated the seating by the fire.

“Perhaps we would be more comfortable over there, Miss Flaherty,” she said, ushering her guest that way.

The woman tittered. “Oh please, call me Fenella. I do so hate being formal.” She sank down onto the couch, spreading her arms out along the back. “My! What a big room – you lucky dog!” she cooed. Mother Abbess winced. “It’s bigger than my whole flat. Maybe a nun doesn’t lead such a bad life after all.”

Mother Abbess regarded this strange creature dubiously. Something about her seemed familiar but she knew no one like this brown-eyed person with hair to match, hair that was a mass of tumbled, untidy curls springing wildly from her head. She was very heavily made up and, when she removed her coat, revealed a rather skimpy dress that left nothing to the imagination. She crossed her legs in a way that could only be called provocative. Or so thought Mother Abbess, losing her usual charitable intent towards others. She leaned forward in her chair, wondering what had possessed such a woman ever to cross the doorstep of a convent.

A degree of frost entered her sweet voice as she asked politely, “Now, Miss Fla…Fenella, how may I help you? For I am quite sure you didn’t come here just to compliment us on the size of our rooms.”

“Well,” began her visitor, in a curiously high-pitched yet rather languid voice. “I have this teeny-tiny problem which I didn’t know what to do about – and then I met this Miss Antirrhinum in London.”

“Miss Anti…..” stuttered Mother Abbess. “There must be some mistake. I don’t know any such person.”

“But you must. She said she was staying here and how wonderful you all were. Even gave me your address.”

“I see,” replied the nun, not seeing at all. She thought rapidly. The only one from the convent who had been to London was Hilda. “But surely you must mean Miss Annersley. She had a young girl with her.”

Fenella nodded, her curls bouncing around. “’Tis what I said - Miss Antirrhinum. Yes, she had a teenager with her – lovely girl.”

“And where did you meet this Miss Anner – Antirrhinum?” asked Mother Abbess faintly.

“Oh, in a lingerie boutique,” trilled Fenella. “A very expensive lingerie boutique!”

Mother Abbess blinked hard. Hilda had said nothing about lingerie, but then of course she was not obliged to tell her everything – yet! Maybe it had been a mother-daughter moment, buying something pretty for Ellie.

She was soon disabused of that idea, however, when Fenella added airily, “She was buying a teddy.”

“A teddy bear?” gasped the nun. “For a teenager?”

“Oh, no, dear, not a bear! Think lingerie. A bear wouldn’t have quite the same effect at all, would it? And it certainly wasn’t for the young lady, else why would she be trying it on herself.” Fenella stared at her in surprise as she spoke. You could see her asking herself how anyone could not know what a teddy was, even a nun!

Mother Abbess blinked, and cast her mind to the teddies of her youth. The ones she herself had worn had been elegant creations of silk and lace. She had had no idea people still wore such things today, but judging by the way Fenella was speaking, they now seemed to be rather risqué – how odd!

Then something startling occurred to her and she tried to speak, cleared her throat and tried again. “Er…how did you know that was what she was trying on, if I may make so bold? Don’t these places have changing rooms?”

“Course they do, m’dear,” Fenella tittered. “But Miss Antirrhinum - well, she was parading around for all to see. Tried a smashing black one at one point - and very fetching she looked, too, if I do say so myself. Those long legs of hers make all the difference!”

By the time she had finished, Mother Abbess was glassy-eyed. Hilda? Private, self-contained Hilda? Parading around half-naked, for all to see? Did she have another life she kept hidden from everyone?

Before she could pull herself together, Fenella added blithely, “I can assure you they are quite the thing, you know. You should try one yourself.” She eyed the nun’s grey habit thoughtfully. “Mmmm! Then again, maybe not – not really much point under that lot, is there?”

For some reason, the sheer lunacy of that seemed to help Mother Abbess gather her scattered wits. Pinching herself surreptitiously, just to make sure she really was not dreaming all this, she sat up straight, glared at Fenella and spoke so frostily now that she reduced the temperature in the room by several degrees, “We’ll leave my undergarments out of this, thank you very much. But I think there must be some mistake, Miss Flaherty. I don’t think we can possibly be speaking about the same woman. Hilda would never….”

“Let me see now,” interrupted Fenella, biting her fingernail and frowning. “Tall, slim – too slim! Don’t you feed her? Blue eyes, brown hair in a French pleat thingy, very elegant, actually – but she could do with some make-up, give her some colour.”

That certainly sounded like Hilda, but before Mother Abbess could give voice, Fenella looked at the nun’s face with interest. “You could do with some yourself, Sister. Some green eye shadow would really bring out the colour of those eyes of yours. And as for those freckles!” Here the high-pitched voice rose alarmingly and she shuddered delicately. “You’ve got to hide them – not the thing at all. Though you do have lovely skin. No doubt due to all the early nights and clean living.”

She sat there grinning inanely and Mother Abbess gaped at her uncomprehendingly. This was no dream – she had wandered into one of Hilda’s nightmares by mistake, and had lost the will to live. She looked over at her desk longingly. Could she find the strength to stumble over there and ring the hand-bell? No, that was cowardice. She was here to help, no matter how silly the person who came asking.

Setting aside the question of Hilda and her teddies, and summoning up all her will power, she asked with dignity, “Tell me, Fenella, you said you had a problem. How may I help you?”

Fenella crossed her legs, letting the dress slide further up her legs, settled herself more comfortably and spoke rather glibly, as though speaking about the weather or the price of meat. “I’m rather puzzled about what to do, and was so pleased to meet your friend. My boyfriend, see, he’s asked me to marry him.” Mother Abbess nodded encouragingly – and then had to stop herself squawking in disbelief as Fenella added blithely, “But I’ve been thinking – why not become a nun instead? I mean, three square meals a day and a bed all provided, just say the odd prayer now and then – what a wonderful life! No housework, no cooking, no need to make any effort at all about anything. Who could ask for more?”

Mother Abbess was beyond words. She just sat there, stunned into submission. No one, but no one, could be this stupid. Could they?

At that moment the internal phone rang on her desk, but so bemused was she that she failed to note the cheeky grin that flashed across Fenella’s face and was gone. Struggling to her feet, Mother Abbess staggered in shock to the phone and picked up the receiver.

“That sword of Damocles dropped yet – or is it still dangling there, poised over your head?” asked an amused voice on the other end as she held it to her ear.

“Hilda?” whispered Mother Abbess desperately, and was about to beg for help when suddenly a memory sprang to mind, comprehension swept through her and she gasped. Her eyes flew to her visitor, who was now on her feet and slowly raising her hand to her curls…..

#9:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 9:58 pm
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No need to apologise! That was hilarious!

#10:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 10:10 pm
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Really doesn't matter where that came from, does it? It's absolutely hilarious, and I've just giggled myself silly - just as well I'm the only one in the house!!! Between Fenella herself and MA's reaction to her story, I've got tears of laughter in my eyes. *What* a day brightener!

Think I can guess who the 'culprit' is - will wait with ill-concealed impatience to find out if I am right!! And also to see how MA reacts when she learns who her visitor really is!

Thanks, Mary for my laugh for the day!!

#11:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 11:44 pm
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It isn't HILDA"S secret life I'm worried about!!!! Where on earth did that come from?!!! (I may well regret asking this.... Laughing Laughing Laughing)

Yes, I can guess who that is, and oh, it was lovely to see MA attempting to grapple with a situation sliding rapidly out of her grasp. It was hilarious - especially this
Quote:
You should try one yourself.” She eyed the nun’s grey habit thoughtfully. “Mmmm! Then again, maybe not – not really much point under that lot, is there?”
One never knows....Wink

#12:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:39 am
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*crying with laughter* Laughing

Brilliant! If anything, even better than the bath! Wink

Quote:
She crossed her legs in a way that could only be called provocative. Or so thought Mother Abbess, losing her usual charitable intent towards others.


Wonderful. And that's only one of many! Very pleased this lady has turned up; that made for hilarious reading. I'm sitting here giggling just thinking of it! Hope my nextdoor neighbour is a heavy sleeper...

Quote:
“A teddy bear?” gasped the nun. “For a teenager?”

You're never too old for a teddy, are you? Wink

Quote:
Hilda had said nothing about lingerie, but then of course she was not obliged to tell her everything – yet!

The mind boggles in a number of ways! Shocked

Cath V-P wrote:
It isn't HILDA"S secret life I'm worried about!!!! Where on earth did that come from?!!!

I'm with Cath on this... Share?! Wink

How nice to have a jolly good laugh at the end of the day!
Merci, cherie.

#13:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 2:26 am
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If it weren't for that long, peaceful spell we'd just had, I'd suspect today was (Un)Holy Innocents' Day ( Dec. 28 )!

*laughs helplessly*

#14:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 4:36 am
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I think I know who it really is too - and that MA has been well and truly had! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing


Thanks Mary. Wink

#15:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 7:14 am
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OK!!!!!!!!!!!

Well if MA has been had, so have I Mary love.

I was reading through that thinking "y'what???" right up to the end of that.

I was even beginning to think that there was someone out to discredit Hilda with such false stories.

In fact, talk about naive, you'd probably catch me out every time with this one - and I love it!

Now, I wonder is this Hilda working out a way to take MA's mind off the near accident, and pulling in our friend, or did the good woman just up and decide to do it 'off her own bat'?

Hilda certainly know's what it's all about, that phonecall couldn't mean anything else.

Certainly if it isn't the lady I'm assuming we have all guessed at, I shall be very surprised! And I wouldn't be surprised if she has either been told (or guesses) what Hilda's plans for the future are.

My other thought on this would fit the phrase "my goodness, I hope she has brought something to change into" - I can imagine that she might be rather uncomfortable in that get-up - much as she does seem to manage to deal with it. However, as well as that, I'd think it might be advisable for her to change before risking meeting everyone else - or is this part of the plan too?

Thanks Mary - I can't wait for the rest of this scene - even if I wasn't as quick off the mark at realising what was happening as the rest were! Rolling Eyes

#16:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 3:10 pm
    —
Mary,
you would not believe how much I have sorely missed my beloved ND whilst my wretched Internet provider has been "down" for two whole days !
Imagine, then, my delight at reading all these deliciously wicked updates just now Laughing
You have made my day Wink
Far too much to quote; it would take pages , LOL, but I have enjoyed it all so very much, even the thought of Hilda flaunting herself in a Teddy Shocked Twisted Evil

#17:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 9:33 pm
    —
You didn't have half as much fun with that scene as I did. Laughing Here's the rest of it, though I am quite certain most of you knew who it was. Wink

......Her eyes flew to her visitor, who was now on her feet and slowly raising her hand to her curls…..

Mother Abbess stared, mesmerised, as the curls came away, smooth blond hair tumbled down – and Vivien Knowles stood there smiling wickedly at her. Mother Abbess swallowed. How could she have forgotten that gently-spoken threat a mere week ago, after Hilda had discovered her nightmares had been revealed to Vivien and Ellie? Hilda had had her revenge after all.

“Hilda Annersley!” she finally croaked indignantly into the phone through a constricted throat, but even as she spoke the door opened a crack and Hilda herself slipped in, with the hugest grin that the nun had ever seen. Mother Abbess simply stared as her friend leaned back lazily against the door and folded her arms, the look on her face now akin to the cat that has drunk all the cream – and much else besides.

Mother Abbess sank into the chair behind her desk, her eyes on Hilda. “Miss Antirrhinum, I presume,” she said, with remarkable aplomb, given the circumstances.

Hilda started, the smile faded and perplexity took its place. “Miss Antirrhinum?” she queried, looking askance.

“Mmmm,” murmured Mother Abbess, her eyes glinting, lips trembling on the verge of wild laughter. “She seemed very determined that was your name.”

Hilda shrugged. “As names go, it has a certain je ne sais quoi – for a flower.” The nun bit down hard on her lip as Hilda’s eyes touched balefully on Vivien. “And you are?”

“Oh, how remiss of me! I forgot to introduce you,” said Mother Abbess politely. “This is Miss Fenella Flaherty.”

She saw Hilda’s lips twitch. “Well, I suppose someone has to be!” Her eyes were still steady on Vivien, whose own eyes were beginning to look rather haunted. “But then, as W.C.Fields once said, It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

At that point Mother Abbess nearly gave way. “I take it you’ve only just met, as this is quite obviously all new to you, my dear. So may I ask when did you arrange it?”

“You’re quick!” said Hilda. “No, I didn’t dare go near her when she arrived, in case someone caught on, so we planned it over the phone – or some of it, anyway,” she added acidly. She ran her eyes speculatively over Vivien and added dispassionately, “I do hope you have brought more suitable attire than that outfit, Miss Flaherty, or we might have to find you a habit for your stay here. Aren’t you cold?”

Vivien choked. Mother Abbess snorted and awaited events. But suddenly a mischievous smile lit up Hilda’s face and her voice warmed appreciably as she added reassuringly, “Relax, my dear. She’ll have to get past me before she can eat you. I can’t promise she won’t try, for it seems to have been an even more remarkable success than I dared hope.”

“Oh, I think so!” laughed Vivien rather nervously. “What a pity you couldn’t be here! It was your revenge, after all …”

“Oh I don’t know,” said Hilda quietly, her eyes jubilant as they turned on Mother Abbess. “I have a vivid imagination, and judging by her face when I walked in, I think you have served my purposes admirably. Nothing cold about this dish.”

Mother Abbess simply rested her chin on her hand and scrutinised them impassively. Vivien’s nerves began to tighten. She slipped off the shoes which were pinching her feet, smoothed down her hair, the make-up looking very garish against its paleness, and stood there twisting the wig in her hand uneasily. Was this formidable woman about to take her apart? Had she misread her?

Suddenly Mother Abbess crooked a finger and Hilda moved over to stand beside her friend. Still wreathed in smiles, she looked down at Mother Abbess with glee.

“I do hope Vivien gave that sword a good, sharp edge,” she said very softly, very silkily. “After all, I did warn you I intended to behave very, very badly. My intermediary seems to have done full justice to my promise.”

Mother Abbess gazed at her another moment or two but finally could no longer control herself. She threw back her head and laughed long and loud until there were tears of mirth coursing down her cheeks. Vivien breathed a sigh of relief and quietly moved over to the chair in front of the desk. Hilda herself knelt by Mother Abbess and held her hand as she continued to laugh, and Vivien all at once caught her breath at the blaze of love she saw in Hilda’s eyes.

The nun fought for control and was soon wiping away her tears, chuckling the while. Vivien leaned forward and offered her a handkerchief. The nun took it unsuspectingly, to find herself pulling colourful square after colourful square of material from Vivien’s hand, a seemingly unending supply. She gaped at Vivien and then doubled up, burying her face in the rainbow bunched in her hands and shaking once more with uncontrollable laughter.

At long last she lifted her head and mopped her eyes with the coloured squares, before draping them decoratively round her neck, much to the other two women’s amusement. “I ought to lock the pair of you up in a cell – of which we have plenty here - and throw away the key.” She looked down at Hilda. “My dear, it was a masterstroke. Talk about getting your minions to do your dirty work for you. I let down my guard far too soon, didn’t I?”

Her eyes swivelled to Vivien. “If I had kept in mind your arrival today, I might have guessed something was wrong, remembering all Hilda had told me about the gypsy. But you were so outrageous. No one could be that monumentally stupid.”

“Oh, they could, I assure you, Mother Abbess,” laughed Vivien. “How do you think I knew how to behave?”

“You should be on the stage,” asserted the nun. “I was completely taken in. In some way I thought I recognised you but you were very clever. You kept me so off-balance that I couldn’t think straight.” Suddenly she chuckled again and her eyes swivelled back to Hilda. “Though I have to admit, love, the best bit was the image of you in a teddy, modelling it for all the world to see.” She rocked with laughter again.

“What?” cried Hilda wrathfully, still on her knees, and she turned to look at Vivien with a fulminating eye.

“I’ll just….” squeaked Vivien in sudden fright, and turned to flee the room.

An icy voice stabbed her in the back and brought her to a standstill. “Sit back down, Miss Knowles.” The other women shuddered at the tone and Vivien slunk back to her seat. “Explain yourself.”

Vivien glanced across the desk to meet eyes of steel. They were grey and formidable. She swallowed hard. “Er,,,,”

“Me? In a teddy? Giving you all a twirl? Something else that wasn’t in the script, Miss Knowles?”

The chunks of ice had melted away into that dangerous purr Mother Abbess had heard on the phone the week before. She remembered how the frost had formed the first day she had met her and shuddered at what it must do to nervous youngsters. That beautiful voice had more notes than any violin or flute, thought the nun, and Hilda could play it to perfection. What an amazing instrument!

“Well, you t….t…told me to be as way over the top as I could,” stuttered Vivien.

Hilda’s eyes continued to hurl daggers at her, but Mother Abbess decided to join in the fun, crank up the tension, get a little of her own back.

“Believe me, love, it will be an image I will never forget. What was it Vivien said – a fetching black teddy, set off by your long legs and elegant figure. Oh yes!” She sighed happily under Hilda’s withering eye. “Much better than the one of me wearing make-up. What was it, Vivien? To emphasize my green eyes and hide the freckles on my lovely skin.”

She patted her face experimentally and it was so funny that Hilda could maintain her iciness no longer. She exploded and had to hide her face in the nun’s habit to muffle her shrieks. Mother Abbess smiled her satisfaction and gratitude across at Vivien, who breathed a huge silent sigh of relief. She was playing way out of her league with these two women, she thought to herself.

She watched in silence as Hilda lifted her head and said something quietly to the nun. Mother Abbess lifted her hand and stroked a strand of hair back off Hilda’s face tenderly. Vivien’s gaze sharpened as she saw the same blaze of love appear in Mother Abbess’s eyes that she had seen in Hilda’s a little earlier. An idea so breathtaking, yet so right, entered her head that she wondered she had not thought of it before. Hilda looked so comfortable with this daunting yet gracious nun, so revealing of herself in a way she never was at school. So much at home….

#18:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 9:40 pm
    —
*giggles some more*

Double edged sword, is it, Hilda? Laughing

#19:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 9:51 pm
    —
Oh Mary!!! That was absolutely wonderful. Never ever again tell me that you can't top your last post! You continually amaze me.

That was just perfect. Everyone gets a shock or two, and MA is right Vivien would do well upon the stage - particularly in a scenario where she has to think off the top of her head, reacting to the next situation. - She is a superb improviser, from what Hilda's reactions are.

What a battle of wits MA and Hilda have here - poor Vivien being caught in the middle of it all!

Yet, I don't know... She is the cause of this scene - even if Hilda did put her up to it. But what an imagination she has! I wonder if inventing scandal about your headmistresses behaviour out of school is a sackable offence Wink

I do hope she manages to relax now that the worst is over - and that she gets to know MA well. We can't have her being scared of her now!Rolling Eyes

I see that her eyes have been opened one little bit further as to the relationship between these two as well. Good Very Happy

And clown tricks again - wonderful Laughing

Oh Mary! What an ace follow on of that scene - but I'm afraid I'm not satisfied yet - what's coming next Question

#20:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 10:07 pm
    —
Love that Mary - and knew it had to be Vivien - she's had a shock herself though hasn't she? Laughing



Thank you.

#21:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 10:11 pm
    —
Oh dear - my sides are sore from laughing!! I just had to go back and read the earlier piece and then re-read this one, just to get the beauty of whole section together.

Poor Vivien - she really didn't know whether she'd succeeded or failed in her mission for a while there, did she? As for Hilda's initial reaction to the 'picture' of herself in a 'teddy'.....! Thank goodness both she and MA knew when to laugh at themselves in the end.

Of course, neither Vivien nor any of the other staff know what Hilda's plan is for her retirement yet, do they, and only Nancy and Kathie actually know she plans to retire in 18 months time, I think? I loved Vivien's reaction in that last paragraph, though - can see her suddenly gaining a realisation of what that future may hold for Hilda.

Thanks, Mary - will look forward to seeing what the next episode brings.

#22:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 5:44 am
    —
Mary that was fantastic. I loved it.
Thank you.

#23:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:07 am
    —
Oh yes! Like Elder I read both sections together, and it was very rewarding! And Vivian was definitely between the devil and the deep blue sea there - and knew it. The true sign of the expert though - advance the script! The thought of Hilda in exotic lingerie though - she definitely used a two-edged sword.

And then there's that quiet moment of revelation as Vivan realises just how deep the relationship between MA and Hilda has become - and just what it might signify.

Thank you Mary

#24:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:43 pm
    —
Brilliant!

I think I might do as others have done - go back and read both together to get double the impact! Laughing Hilda and MA have such amazing self-control. Goes with job, I suppose, in both cases!

Quote:
[Vivien] was playing way out of her league with these two women, she thought to herself.

Oh, I don't know... I reckon she could give them a run for their money. She did pretty well at embroidering on Hilda's instructions! It's lovely to see her again. She really is a most appealing character, and I've no doubt will be very good for Hilda once she returns to school after New Year, especially having seen Hilda in what is fast becoming her natural environment.

Quote:
The chunks of ice had melted away into that dangerous purr Mother Abbess had heard on the phone the week before.

*shiver*
You can practically see her tail swishing! Lovely. Very glad I'm not a naughty first-former... Wink

Looking forward to the next bit.
Merci, cherie.

#25:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:49 am
    —
Mary,
I must own to laughing like a maniac at these scenes ! And I had absolutely **no** idea as to the mysterious guest`s real identity until the denoument Confused
Wondrously funny, and as for Vivien realising that this is where Hilda is now most at home.....wonder will she say anything to Hilda when they speak privately ? Or will she keep her own counsel for the time being?

Thoroughly looking forward to more when you are feeling well enough, my dear.

#26:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 8:40 pm
    —
Identity Hunt wrote:
...and as for Vivien realising that this is where Hilda is now most at home.....wonder will she say anything to Hilda when they speak privately ? Or will she keep her own counsel for the time being?

You've been reading my scripts again, Sian. Laughing Laughing Read on - and thanks to all for enjoying the scene with Vivien. She's an imp. Wink

“Why did you invite me?”

The question caught Hilda unawares as she sat with Vivien Knowles by the fire in the sitting room later that afternoon. They had the room to themselves as most of the guests had opted for a quiet nap. Mother Abbess, being a true Scot, always refused to let the New Year in without some celebration, and this year promised to be no exception. However, Hilda had been told she would be sent to bed once the first chimes of midnight were sounded – almost like a naughty child, she thought amusedly to herself, but feeling quietly relieved, all the same.

She had decided she was, therefore, in no need of a rest and Vivien had chosen to stay with her. They had gently but firmly cajoled Ellie to rest, once she had got over her excitement at seeing Vivien again.

Now Hilda turned her head from contemplation of the fire to gaze at Vivien questioningly. Vivien shrugged, but stared back bravely into the keen eyes. “You’re a Headmistress. You can’t make special friends of one or two of your mistresses, which you are doing by asking me here. But I am sure you've thought of all that.”

Hilda continued to gaze at her in silence, and Vivien could almost hear the wheels turning, even while the face remained still. But eventually there came a sigh and Hilda spoke ruefully.

“You're right, of course. I shouldn’t have done it. When you sit on a throne I suspect that companionship is a rare blessing. (Josephine Tey) Not that I sit on a throne, but a Headship is akin to it – so I have to be very careful. Nell was my rare blessing and I will have to be content without that companionship, now she is gone.”

Vivien reached out to squeeze her hand and Hilda’s keen eyes were very warm as she added, “Other things being equal, Vivien, my dear, I would very much want you for a friend. You have been so good to me and I think we view many things the same. But I know you understand.” Vivien smiled and nodded. “However, inviting you here wasn’t quite the impulsive move it seems, and anyway, the Convent is off-limits to the school, my private place where I can please myself a little, so you are more than welcome. I won’t tell if you won’t,” she teased gently with one of her beguiling smiles.

Vivien grinned. “Your secrets are safe with me – all your secrets.” Her voice turned serious as she added that last phrase and Hilda’s eyes focused sharply, searching her companion’s face.

Vivien’s eyes remained steady under that blast. “You’re entering,” she stated simply.

“Yes,” said Hilda equally simply, then bowed her head a long moment, her eyes on the hand holding hers. “But not for a while yet - and the school will know in plenty of time.” She raised her head and the look she gave Vivien was still direct and probing. “I won’t ask how you worked it out. But I trust you to keep it very quiet – and also not to ask me about it again.”

Vivien felt a tug at her heartstrings and knew there was something here for she herself also to think about. But that was for later. She smiled reassuringly at Hilda. “I see how very much at home you are in this place, and the love that surrounds you. You have found something very precious. I find myself almost envious”

Her love for this gracious woman shone in her eyes. “And yes, Hilda,you have my promise, on all counts. Except – may I just say that the pared-down simplicity of the life will suit you. And you have so much to bring to it, being the generous and compassionate person you are. I know, with all my heart, that you will find only happiness here.”

“Bless you, Vivien,” breathed Hilda quietly, her eyes pools of gratitude. She shook herself. “But you asked me why I invited you. Deep inside, it was for myself, I admit, but the more pressing need was for Ellie.”

She fell silent. She watched and waited, and finally was satisfied, as Vivien’s eyes opened wide. “I am honoured, Hilda,” she whispered solemnly.

“I haven’t asked you yet, woman,” murmured Hilda. “But thank you for being so quick. You'll have heard from Ellie that she is going to the Chalet School this term.”

“Just a little,” quipped Vivien, with a smile. “That’s why you wanted the brochure.”

“Yes, well, she’s excited,” admitted Hilda. “But she’s going to find it very hard adjusting, for all sorts of reasons, and I can’t be available to her as much as she or I would like. She will feel very lonely – after all, she is still grieving very badly for her past life, and her only living relative is a nun. She has instant access to me here; once at school she will have to share me. She got on so well with you in London that I hoped you would stand her friend, be around and watch out for her when I can’t. But you were ahead of me, and I thank you for accepting so readily. For it won’t always be easy and you are still fairly new to the school yourself.”

“She’s lovely, Hilda. Who would not want to help her? And I would do a great deal more for you, if you asked, believe me, after all you have done to help me find my niche.” She paused and contemplated Hilda’s suddenly anxious face. “But there’s more to it than that, isn’t there?”

Hilda motioned agreement with an inclination of her head, an oddly graceful movement, and held her breath. Was she asking too much of this funny, yet very astute, woman?

Vivien took a deep breath and spoke quietly, hoping she was reading her Headmistress aright. “I make you another promise, Hilda. I will still stand her friend when the time comes for you to enter, whenever that is – and if she will have me.”

Hilda was intensely moved by the solemnity in Vivien’s voice, for it was as though she thought Hilda was conferring a great honour on her. Whereas Hilda herself felt she was placing a great burden on the shoulders of a woman who scarcely knew the girl.

“Oh, she will have you, my dear, for she adores you. I saw that in London,” Hilda replied quietly. “And she will need you at school, especially at first. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this willingness to shoulder my problems. And to answer your unspoken question, I will be leaving the school at the same time as Ellie, so the two closest to her will be closeted in a convent when she sets out into the wider world to test her wings. She may well need you.”

She stopped speaking, wondering how much more to reveal. She gazed into the glowing coals of the fire and realised that, much as she preferred to keep her secrets, this woman deserved the truth. “I’ll confess to you, Vivien, her aunt told me that she had wanted to leave the convent and make a home for Ellie here. When I heard that, I suddenly thought that if she, a professed nun, was prepared to do that, then I should be even more willing to do it, for it would not be difficult for me to find a post here and make a home for Ellie after she leaves school. I could wait another three or four years for my dream. But both Sister Patricia and Mother Abbess refused to allow it. In fact, the latter was quite rude about it,” she added ruefully, remembering the acerbic words hurled at her.

“They were right to forbid you,” said Vivien stoutly. “You too have needs, Hilda. God will provide and she will survive. A convent is not the worst place she could have as a base. And I promise to do all I can. You are already doing more than enough for a complete stranger. You say she adores me. I tell you, my dear, she worships the very ground you walk on. As well she might.”

Hilda shook her head. “Whatever I have done for that complete stranger has returned to me a thousandfold this Christmas, Vivien. You say God will provide – He provided Ellie when I was most in need. She took me out of myself, forced me to consider the heartbreak of others. Along with Mother Abbess, she helped me see I still have so much to live for, that there are still those who would love me.”

Vivien leaned forward urgently. “Hilda, I too have learned to love you, as do the nuns here do and the teachers at school, and the girls. Losing your friend may have re-arranged the world for you, but it has not changed your heart. You beget love wherever you go.”

Hilda’s eyes were filled with tears as she listened to these heart-felt words. But then Vivien robbed her of breath. “As for Ellie, she loves you, but she doesn’t know the whole truth, does she? You’re the one paying for her schooling, aren’t you? A girl you hardly know!” Her voice was full of wonder. “And you think you are asking too much of me! How about all you ask of yourself, Hilda?”

“Of him to whom much hath been given, much will be required.” Hilda’s rich voice made music of St Luke’s text. “And I have been given so much, Vivien, been so very blessed in my life. And Ellie has had so little. I can’t live just for myself any longer. I must use what is left of my life to fill the emptiness of others, to light a candle of hope for them in their darkness.”

Vivien wondered to herself why Hilda did not realise she had been doing exactly that all her life…

#27:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 8:50 pm
    —
That last line - so poignant. Thank you Mary - very glad that Vivenne guessed about Hilda entering and about Ellie's school fees - think Hilda will feel far less strained knowing that at least one person knows.

#28:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 9:22 pm
    —
There is just so much to think about here, Mary, and this is a lovely opportunity for frankness between Hilda and Vivien. Also, such a striking contrast between Vivien the actress and Vivien the deep thinking person, who surely will not fail to live up to anything Hilda asks of her.

Quote:
Vivien’s eyes remained steady under that blast. “You’re entering,” she stated simply.


I'm glad that Vivien realises this without being told - it's both a tribute to her own perspicacity and to the understanding between the two of them, even though they are comparatively new friends.

Quote:
Losing your friend may have re-arranged the world for you, but it has not changed your heart. You beget love wherever you go.”


That was the point at which my keyboard blurred - Vivien may only have known Hilda for 3-4 months, but she certainly sees just what effect she has on people.

Quote:
“Of him to whom much hath been given, much will be required.” Hilda’s rich voice made music of St Luke’s text. “


When had Hilda failed to live up to that concept? It has always governed her life.

Quote:
I can’t live just for myself any longer. I must use what is left of my life to fill the emptiness of others, to light a candle of hope for them in their darkness.”

Vivien wondered to herself why Hilda did not realise she had been doing exactly that all her life…


That last two sections just left me breathless - both the strength of Hilda's resolution for her future and the fact that she doesn't realise it's just what she's done all her life - for Vivien is quite correct in her observation about that.

Thank you, Mary for allowing us to see *all* the elements of this story so skilfully woven together - the highs and lows, the laughter and grief - your word pictures carry us along seamlessly from one to another. Looking forward to seeing what happens next.

#29:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:50 am
    —
That was a very lovely and very revealing conversation, and the 'pared-down simplicity ' of the convent permits that depth of communication. Vivien's complete awareness of Hilda's plans was so simple and direct and certain that the word's "You're entering" expressed it all. And she is right; Hilda has found something very precious and the convent is so evidently the place for her - and she is right for it.

And how clearly Hilda is aware of what Ellie needs, and that Vivien can provide for her - and how willinglyvivien gives it. That's one of Hilda's strengths isn't it? The capacity to forge links between those who might otherwise be solitary and unloved. Almost as if she is creating families....

And what a tribute to Hilda:
Quote:
You beget love wherever you go.
And Nell, too, that "rare blessing."

Thank you Mary.

#30:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 2:15 am
    —
Lovely post.
Insightful woman, that Vivien. Smile

#31:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:25 am
    —
Oh Mary, what a wonderful conversation. There is certainly no holding back about Vivien here - she sees what she wants to talk about, and she goes for it.

I just love the frankness between them here. The way they share openly that which is in their hearts. This is truely going to be a blessed friendship.

And how like Hilda! I am asking too much of vivien, but not really enough of myself.

Thankyou of such a lovely, perceptive scene.

#32:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:34 am
    —
Mary,
thank you for answering my questions so comprehensively :-0

I ma glad Vivien understands so much without being told; Hilda is so private that it would be hard for her to say some of the things that Vivien said for her in this beguiling conversation.

I am so glad Ellie will have Vivien to look out for her when Hilda is busy first at school, and then at the Convent.

#33:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 8:49 pm
    —
The next afternoon found Hilda curled up comfortably with a book by the fire in the sitting room. It was such a fine afternoon that most people had chosen to take a brisk walk after lunch to clear away the cobwebs from their late night, while Vivien had taken Ellie off to the library to do some work. Hilda had been surprised, but pleased, by the girl’s willingness, for the late night had left her looking weary.

Both Hilda and Vivien had been astonished at the vim and vigour with which the Sisters had thrown themselves into the New Years Eve festivities, though they really should have known better. Mother Abbess believed in her community having fun, as well as working and praying hard. Everyone needed to re-create themselves, she maintained, no matter what they did for a living, and of course their guests needed a little entertainment. Those guests, however, made their own decisions about whether to attend, for some of them were there, like Hilda, because they were grieving or because life was just too hard at that moment in time.

There had been games and singing and much use of Hilda’s gift to the Sisters. What had been unexpected had been Vivien’s offer of a little excitement. The gypsy had once more made her appearance and held palm reading sessions, which she enlivened with the sort of magic tricks Hilda had seen in Lausanne. Ellie had been totally bewitched and never left the woman’s side after that, much to Hilda’s amusement.

There had, however, been more than just amusement; there had also been gratitude. She had been sent off to bed once the first footing had taken place, but had made her way there via the chapel, and had knelt to offer her thanks that Vivien had been able, yet again, to find a way to appeal to this young girl. She knew her prayers had been answered, that she could relax, for Vivien would indeed watch out for Ellie and be a friend to her. And Ellie would allow it.

As always, Hilda had found peace and quietude in this fragrant retreat, and she had gazed at the candles and let her thoughts wander where they would, remembering past New Years with Nell. Then, all of a sudden, the candle flames had fractured and dissolved as tears welled up from nowhere, her loss catching her by the throat once more. Those cliffs of fall were beckoning. Would it always be like this, she had wondered. Never really under her control, not even now when the joy had returned and the pain was dissolving a little?

To distract herself, she had put her hand in her pocket and drawn out the envelope Mother Abbess had handed her as she left the party. Opening it, she had found a card with a poem on it in her friend’s angular, assertive handwriting:

My outstretched hands are becoming accustomed
to the solitude into which You have thrown me,
more alone
than I could ever bear to be.

…..My eyes are adapting
to the darkness You have chosen for me,
darker than any darkness
I ever knew or chose.

I am learning to recognise
the many disguises of Your love,
deeper than any love
I have ever experienced.

And slowly it dawns on me
being lonely is: turning to You
death is: a deep and joyous life
darkness is: finally seeing Your light
and love is: being born over and over again.
(Ulrich Shaeffer)


Her tears had flowed in even greater measure as she had read it, and had pondered it all deep in her heart. She was not alone, would indeed never be alone, no matter how lonely she might feel. So many disguises of Your love - Mother Abbess, Ellie, Vivien, Nancy, Gwynneth, Pauline - had been provided in her need. All sent from the Father with His blessing. Through each one she had indeed been born again, and His light was becoming ever clearer to her.

The hot tears had dried, that Patience exquisite of Hopkins had fallen on her, peace had once more enveloped her - and it continued to envelop her now as she sat before the fire. She was deep in Saint Exupéry’s Vol de Nuit, flying the night skies with him in far-flung areas of the globe.

Abruptly, her tranquillity was shattered. The door was flung open and Mother Abbess hurried over to say breathlessly, “An urgent phone call for you, love – from America. A Mr John Lewis.”

For a moment Hilda stared at her blankly and then the book fell to the floor unnoticed and with a cry of “Tessa!” she leapt up and was through the door, with a swiftness and lightness that spoke well for her recovered feet. Mother Abbess followed more slowly, fearing the worst and wanting to be on hand.....


Last edited by MaryR on Fri Oct 13, 2006 1:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

#34:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 12:55 am
    —
A lovely account of the New Year's Eve junketings, and all the Sisters' clear enjoyment of them, including Vivien's fortune telling session!! I love the idea that MA intends her Sisters to have fun as well as live simply, work hard and pray sincerely - truly we can see why she was elected to her position.

It's also wonderful to see how Vivien has succeeded so quickly in gaining Ellie's love and trust - this does indeed bode well for the future.

And also to see how quickly Hilda has become accustomed to finding her peace and retreat within the walls of the convent chapel - that poem is especially poignant, and says so much to her, especially now as she is beginning to move on from her first intense period of grieving. Of course, her favourite leisure pursuit was always to curl up in a chair with a good book, wasn't it? So what better way for her to be spending the afternoon of New Year's Day?

But - a cliff!!! What has happened to Tessa? Please don't keep us in suspense for too long.

Thanks, Mary.

#35:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:16 am
    —
Of course MA would insist that there has to be fun and laughter as well as prayer, work and simplicity - because fun and laughter are of God as much as anything else. And I can see Vivien joining in with such grace and merriment. And how Ellie would be fascinated by this.

And how lovely that Hilda is able to seek refuge in the chapel and find "peace and quietude" there. And yes, the memories that she permits herself of past New Years, do have that bittersweetness about them and there will always be something of the pain and the pleasure coexisting...but better that than nothing at all and empty loneliness.

The last stanza of that poem said so much...
Quote:
And slowly it dawns on me
being lonely is: turning to You
death is: a deep and joyous life
darkness is: finally seeing Your light
and love is: being born over and over again.


And...a cliff!
Thank you Mary.

#36:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 4:21 am
    —
Oh dear, what's happened to Tessa? Crying or Very sad

Thank you Mary

#37:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 6:52 am
    —
Well that was chock full of all sorts of stuff then Mary!

First of all the evening of fun - well done Vivien. And what wonderful fun as well. I wouldn't mind spending an evening like that myself - does your convent have open day's like that so that we here may go visit it in reality love?

I too love the relationship which is continuing to build up between Vivien and Ellie. As Hilda contemplates, it fulfills all her hopes for the future.

And then Hilda and her quest for peace. This is a lovely oasis of tranquility which envelops Hilda, and brings her to rest.

Leading up to the cliff:

Had Hilda mentioned where she was going to MA before she slipped off, or was it either the result of a long search, or just MA knowing where she would find her Hilda?

And finally, Tessa. The last thing one would expect in the middle of this convent closeted atmosphere would be the intrusion of school and (what could well prove to be) the tragic. I am wondering what this is going to bring with it - surely Hilda has enough to deal with?

I hope Tessa is alright...

#38:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:38 pm
    —
What a fun evening !
I wish my New Year`s Eves were as fun as that, LOL.


But that phone call, Mary.......it`s left me in dire need of chocolate Shocked

#39:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 3:24 am
    —
How could you end such a peaceful post with a cliff like that? Shocked The New Year's hardly started, and already ....

Excellent party, though. Very Happy

#40:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:31 pm
    —
Oh dear, did I leave you all swinging away in your harnesses.... Laughing Unfortunately I have had to cut this scene in two as it really was too long.

Abruptly, her tranquillity was shattered. The door was flung open and Mother Abbess hurried over to say breathlessly, “An urgent phone call for you, love – from America. A Mr John Lewis.” For a moment Hilda stared at her blankly and then the book fell to the floor unnoticed and with a cry of “Tessa!” she leapt up and was through the door, with a swiftness and lightness that spoke well for her recovered feet. Mother Abbess followed more slowly, fearing the worst and wanting to be on hand.

Hilda sat at Mother Abbess’s desk and spoke urgently. “Mr Lewis, Hilda Annersley here. Which is it – Tessa? Or Katy?”

“Tessa,” gasped the man at the other end, grateful he was dealing with someone who wasted no words on idle pleasantries but cut straight to the heart of the matter.

“Not….?” asked Hilda sharply, her heart missing a beat.

John Lewis assured her quickly, his voice breaking. “No, thank God, though there were several hours when it seemed a distinct possibility. She…”

He stopped, his throat too tight for speech, and Hilda could feel he was close to breaking down. Looking up anxiously at Mother Abbess, she spoke softly, trying to infuse strength. “Mr Lewis, could you bear to tell me what happened? But, please, take your time – I can wait.”

The gently spoken words steadied him and he took some deep breaths. “It was four days ago. She and Katy went shopping in town. But it began to snow quite hard so they decided to call it a day and come home, but a bus….. a bus skidded as it tried to stop at the red light where they were crossing. It hit her – threw her up in the air…” With a sob he ground to a halt.

Hilda closed her eyes, covered her mouth with her hand in shock. Quickly, Mother Abbess moved and placed a hand on her shoulder. Hilda grasped the hand hard and managed to say calmly into the phone, “What about Katy, Mr Lewis? Did it…?”

“No!” he whispered. “Apparently, Tessa realised what was happening and pushed her out of the way. I don’t need to tell you what state Katy’s in right this moment.”

Hilda could make a guess, for she knew how close the sisters were. But oh, how like Tessa to want to save her sister at the risk of her own life! “What are her injuries?” she asked quietly.

Mr Lewis took a deep breath and his voice was toneless as he enumerated the injuries of his beloved elder daughter. “Both legs broken, one so badly they have had to pin it it in several places; a fractured pelvis.....” He broke down for a moment, swallowed, and added, “Several ribs were also broken or cracked and one lung punctured. She has bad concussion, but no skull fracture, thank God, and is now conscious.”

By this time Hilda was staring up at Mother Abbess with horror in her eyes, her face white as the nun’s wimple. But he was not finished. “The worst injury, though – two vertebrae were cracked in her lower back and it was feared….”

But he could not bring himself to put it into words, so Hilda finished softly, “That she might never walk again.” Oh, dear God, she wailed inwardly, then pulling herself together she asked urgently, “Did she know?”

“No, at first she was unconscious and then they kept her sedated because of the pain. She’s still not really with us, even now.” Hilda breathed a silent sigh of relief. At least Tessa had been spared that fear. “But that’s why I waited so long before phoning you – I wanted to know as much as I could first.”

“And the prognosis?” Hilda held her breath.

“Good, God be praised!” sighed Mr Lewis. “Though it will be slow and she will have a lot of pain for a good while.”

“She’s very courageous, Mr Lewis, and very patient,” Hilda assured him.

“She will need to be. They have told us she will probably be in the hospital for two to three months, and will then need a long period of recuperation and continued physiotherapy.” Mr Lewis paused and then said slowly, “But you see what this means for her, don’t you, Miss Annersley?”

“That she will miss the rest of her last year in school – and lose her university place,” answered Hilda quietly, and silence fell at both ends as they contemplated the enormity of it all for Tessa. But then Hilda spoke quickly, firmly. “But, if she wishes, and she is well enough, she can of course return to the school in September, Mr Lewis, to finish her Sixth form work and do her A Levels. And she will assuredly get a place at Oxford the following year. All is not lost, once she recovers.”

She heard a profound sigh of relief at the other end. “That’s one worry less, thank you. I will let her know as soon as she is fit enough. She hasn’t spoken yet, and isn’t aware of the full extent of her injuries.”

“Mr Lewis,” said Hilda abruptly, “if I were to fly over, would I be allowed to see her?”

She heard a sharp intake of breath from Mother Abbess, while Mr Lewis asked in wonder, “You would do that for her?”

“And more, if I could,” she said quietly. “She has been a wonderful Head Girl, full of sensitivity and wisdom, with great leadership qualities. She will be sorely missed next term. And, on a personal level, she has shown great compassion towards me this past year.”

“Since Miss Wilson died, you mean? She has a great admiration for you, you know, Miss Annersley,” replied Tessa’s father.

“As I have for Tessa, Mr Lewis,” was the softly spoken response. “I don’t know what I will do without her.”

There was a short silence from Mr Lewis as he pondered her request. Then he said slowly, “Unfortunately, at the moment they will only let Barbara and myself see her, and that only for very short periods of five or ten minutes. She is great pain still and very weak, and they want to keep her as still and quiet as they can. She is to be allowed no one else for at least two weeks.”

“Mr Lewis…”

“John,” he interrupted very firmly.

“And I am Hilda,” she returned gravely. “John, let me know the instant she is allowed visitors and I will be on the next plane.”

Mother Abbess squeezed her hand lovingly. Watching Hilda in her role of Headmistress, she saw how she combined authority and sensitivity, decisiveness and generosity, and all with such quiet charm and dignity, never losing control. To see her in action like this, added to what she had seen the night Ellie went missing, only served to convince Mother Abbess even more strongly that the action she herself was going to take later in the week was the right one. But how the school would miss such a woman at the helm when she finally left, the nun reflected.

Hilda flashed her friend a brief smile of gratitude as she heard John Lewis speak again. “Hilda, you have no idea how much that will buck her up when I tell her. It is just what she needs. And I know Barbara will insist you must stay at our apartment.”

“We’ll see about that when the time comes. But I do mean it. And, John, if there is anything else I can do in the meantime, please let me know.”

“There is one thing,” he said slowly.....

#41:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:49 pm
    —
Oh Heck! What does one say at the end of a piece of writing like *that* Question

I have tears in my eyes reading through it. What an awful accident. And how like Hilda to put her own fears down so that she can comfort his, and get all the information out as quickly as possible.

Poor Katy as well, having to watch her beloved sister go through that.

At least Hilda was able to offer reassurance as to Tessa completing her studies, when she is finally well enough again. And how like her, to offer to jump on a plane as soon as the doctors will allow Tessa any non-family visitors.

I wonder what 'John' has for her to do...

Thanks Mary.

#42:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:39 pm
    —
Poor Tessa -and her poor parents and sister, too - I can't even begin to imagine the anxiety they must have endured until they have finally learned that with time she will make a full recovery. Hilda will certainly miss her presence in the school, both as head girl and, as she so freely acknowledged, a great personal support to her in the months since Nell's death. But it's also good that she could reassure Tessa's father that she'd be able to return to school and take her A levels the following year, once she'd recovered - for I'm sure that will be one of the girl's first questions when she's sufficiently aware of what has happened.

I'm not surprised at Hilda's immediate offer to fly out to see her, and I'm quite sure she'll do so as soon as the doctors allow Tessa to have more visitors. And once again, MA has seen Hilda in action 'at the top of her form', only confirming her earlier opinions.

Mary, you've left me sitting on the edge of my seat - please don't keep us waiting too long to let us know just what it is that John would like Hilda to do.

#43:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 11:46 pm
    —
Oh poor Tessa and her family - what a sad start to the New Year, but then it could have been so much worse. And how well Hilda knows how to deal with the news, combining her roles as headmistress and friend. And of course MA recognises this and can realise exactly what Hilda's strengths are:
Quote:
she combined authority and sensitivity, decisiveness and generosity, and all with such quiet charm and dignity, never losing control


And how like Hilda to want to see Tessa, whom she counts as a friend as well as a pupil, for the compassion that Tessa has shown to her. And how appreciative Mr Lewis is of Hilda.

Thank you Mary.

#44:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 4:46 am
    —
What a dreadful thing to happen - and this one more thing? Wouldn't have anything to do with Katy, would it?


Thanks Mary.

#45:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 4:22 pm
    —
Mary,
I think I preferred the preceding cliff to this awful news about Tessa Sad

#46:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 9:34 pm
    —
......"And, John, if there is anything else I can do in the meantime, please let me know.”

“There is one thing,” he said slowly. “Her friends - Mireille and Gillian…. Could you possibly let them know for me?”

Hilda stifled a gasp. Of course – Mireille would have to take over as Head Girl. “The trouble is, John, I don’t have their phone numbers with me, so I will have to phone Dr Maynard and ask him to go into the ….”

John Lewis interrupted her. “I have them here, Hilda, out of Tessa’s address book. I had to ring Dr Maynard at the Sanatorium to find out where you were, as I felt you needed to know before the new term, but at least you won’t now need to disturb him again.”

She copied down the numbers he dictated. “I’ll get on to them immediately. Could you also give me the name of the hospital as I’m sure they will want to write?” She thought back to something Tessa’s father had said and asked quickly, “John, what about Katy? Has she seen her sister yet?”

“Yes,” sighed John Lewis. “She wouldn’t believe that she was still alive, after seeing her lying in the snow like that, blood everywhere, so once the major operations were done, she was allowed to see her. And now Tessa is awake they have allowed Katy a quick peep each day. But she is riddled with guilt and we daren’t leave her alone.”

Hilda’s compassion longed to reach out to her young pupil. “She’s only fifteen, John. That’s a heavy burden to bear. It leaves me wondering if she is in any fit state to travel all the way back from America on her own, especially given how ill Tessa is.” She sat there thinking hard. How to help? “John, what if we waited till I came out, and then she could return with me? I appreciate it might be a little while yet, but she would be given extra help to make up any work she misses.”

There was silence once more at the other end as John Lewis sat there unable to speak, overcome by the concern and thoughtfulness Hilda had for her pupils. She waited patiently and finally he cleared his throat. “What can I say except thank you? Thank you for appreciating just how difficult this is for her - and for trying your utmost to help. I’ll have a word with Barbara and then with Katy, and let you know.”

“Take your time,” she said softly. “Let things settle a little before you make any decisions. And John, please pass on my love to both girls, and keep me informed of Tessa’s progress.”

“I’ll ring every day,” he promised. “Though I have no idea what time it will be.”

“Not a problem,” she assured him. “Someone will always answer the phone here. And I’ll let you know when I’m returning to school.” She paused a moment to catch her breath and then added, in that beautiful, gentle voice of hers, “John, remember this - she is in God’s hands. And she couldn’t be anywhere safer.”

Mother Abbess placed a note in front of her. She took another deep breath. “John, I’m actually staying in a Convent at the moment, and the Abbess here, who has met Tessa and admires her very much, says to let you know that all the Sisters will be praying for Tessa constantly, as I will myself. Go with God, John.”

John Lewis’s voice wobbled as he bade her farewell. Hilda replaced the receiver and buried her face in her hands, her elbows propped on the desk. Mother Abbess placed an arm comfortingly round her shoulders and waited a moment or two, then said gently, but very firmly, “Hilda, think of those words you have just used to that poor man. You were right. She is safe and in God’s hands – and your fretting about it won’t make a ha’porth of difference one way or the other.”

Hilda remained silent, her face still hidden. Mother Abbess tightened her arm and spoke more firmly still, a Superior speaking to her Novice. “Tell me, Hilda. Tell me now, instead of letting that vivid imagination of yours work overtime. What exactly has happened to her?”

Lifting her head, the appalled look back in her eyes, Hilda told the nun the extent of the girl’s injuries. Mother Abbess drew her closer and held her gently as Hilda spoke. When she herself had met Tessa she been very impressed by the Head Girl. Remembering the lovely story she had composed about Hilda, and seeing now Hilda’s reactions to this news, she began to appreciate the depth of the relationship between the two.

Abruptly, Hilda moved out of the circle of the nun’s arms and stood up on shaky knees. “Where’s the nearest flower shop, Mother? I must, at the very least, see if I can send a bouquet.”

Mother Abbess pushed her gently back into the chair and opened a drawer. Taking out a large book she smiled down at Hilda. “We can do better than that, sweetheart. She will receive flowers this very day, I promise. The Order has several convents over in America – and guess where one of them is.”

“Boston,” breathed Hilda thankfully.

Mother Abbess nodded and opened the book. Running her fingers down a page, she picked up the phone and dialled the number. After a brief word with the Abbess of that Convent, explaining the situation, she handed the phone over to Hilda – and was dumbfounded to hear her arranging for the nuns in Boston to have flowers delivered to Tessa every week until further notice, and also for a bouquet to be delivered right away to Tessa’s parents, plus a small one just for Katy, containing a very special message from her Headmistress. She promised to have the funds sent over as soon as possible.

Mother Abbess shook her head as Hilda replaced the receiver. “Hilda, I’ve said it before and I have no doubt I’ll go on saying it, but I’ve never known anyone shower people with such love as you do.” Hilda lips opened to deny it, her eyes wide, but the nun stroked her cheek gently. “Oh yes, you do, love. Look at your gift to us every month, your gifts to your friends, Nancy and Kathie. Look at what you’re doing for Ellie – generosity such as I personally have never seen. No wonder your Nell loved you so much, and won’t leave you. How can you find it in you to do so much for others when you are still in such pain yourself?”

Hilda just shook her head at this tender tribute but Mother Abbess continued in some awe, “Will you really fly to Boston to see Tessa?” When Hilda nodded, the nun flung her arms wide. “I rest my case, daughter.”

There was the sheen of tears in Hilda’s eyes. “Mother, may I use your phone to make those calls? I’ll pay….”

Mother Abbess interrupted her firmly. “You’ll do no such thing, love. You’ve already given us more than enough. Make as many calls as you like.”

She squeezed Hilda’s shoulder and quickly left the room, to return moments later with a cup of coffee which she placed on the desk. Hilda nodded her thanks as she spoke in French into the phone, all business now there was something to be done. Even if it was only to break bad news….


Last edited by MaryR on Wed Oct 18, 2006 1:35 pm; edited 1 time in total

#47:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 9:49 pm
    —
Well done Hilda - though doing nothing more than we would expect of you - it's no wonder thought that MA stands in awe.



Thanks Mary.

#48:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:38 pm
    —
*sniff* Crying or Very sad

How awful! But how beautifully written. Three (or was it four?) posts to catch up on, and all wonderful - and read together, they have reduced me to tears (yes, again!) at the terrible accident to Tessa, the effects on everyone concerned, and the incredible kindness and feelings of one extraordinary woman.

Quote:
"I can’t live just for myself any longer. I must use what is left of my life to fill the emptiness of others, to light a candle of hope for them in their darkness.”

Vivien wondered to herself why Hilda did not realise she had been doing exactly that all her life…


I know that's from a little while back but it sums everything up so perfectly. Hilda's humility is awe-inspiring. And that conversation between her and Vivien was lovely. I can't help but feel they'll end up close friends one way or another!

Beautiful, despite the sadness, and very moving.
Merci, cherie.

#49:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:09 am
    —
I am utterly at a loss to imagine how Hilda can think that she has lived her life for herself! Never for one moment.
This is another blow she could well have done without, but her inner strength immediately rises to the challenge of being needed. I can see her mind racing as she considers the implications this will have for the school, temporarily deprived of its Head Girl; as she works out the best way of helping meet the needs of every member of the shattered family; as she deals with the practicalities of phoning and organising flowers. Ill she might still be, but that's not going to stop her!
Watching her move into top gear, MA can only accept that there is no other way she can react.
A very impressive woman.

Thank you, Mary.

#50:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:14 am
    —
Seeing Hilda's endless thought for others and the trouble that she takes is so very humbling. As MA rightly says
Quote:
I’ve never known anyone shower people with such love as you do.
. And Hilda does - the words to Tessa's father that she is in God's hands, thought for Katy's wellbeing, the flowers for Tessa and her family, the need to prepare Mireille to take over as Head Girl - even the convent's phone bills! She sees a need and answers it....

Thank you Mary.

#51:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 1:24 am
    —
I read this when you first posted Mary, but only now have had chance to post a response. I was breathless then, and I'm still breathless.

Just to watch Hilda swing into action here, doing her best to support Tessa's family even on the phone and to ensure that Katy, who is, after all, also one of her pupils, is being cared for, too, as well as immediately thinking about what this accident will mean to the school, and to Mireille in particular, and, of course taking no thought for herself, despite the fact that she is still recuperating from her own accident, is to see her at her best. (I know that is one dreadful run-on sentence, and I'm sorry for it, but it's the only way to say what I feel here.)

I also love the idea of that 'network' of convents, one of which is of course, in Boston, and the generosity with which the flowers are ordered - Katy will feel so special with that bouquet just for herself. And Hilda's willingness to fly out just as soon as it's possible for Tessa to have visitors beyond her immediate family, too, is so typical, and says so much for the relationship between Tessa and herself. Never mind that she might not physically be in the best shape for such a journey, she won't dream of hesitating whenever the time is right. She really does see a need and answer it.

It's no wonder MA spreads out her arms in wonder - I think we've all done the same in our responses here.

Thank you Mary.

#52:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 4:09 am
    —
Hilda has the most remarkable reflexes. Crying or Very sad

I'm sure she'll be a fabulous support to everyone involved. It's just as well M.A. and the others are available as a support system -- hopefully with enough influence to save her from herself.

#53:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 6:51 am
    —
Oh Mary...


I'm half asleep here, and just wondering how on earth I'm to respond to that. As I've told you before, your writing is out of this world. And as Katya and Elder have said, each bit gets better than the last - I don't know how on earth you do it!

So back to this post in particular. Hilda is wonderful, dealing with each thing that needs done. Alright, she has her small moment of falling apart at the end of the phonecall, but even after that, with a little bit of support from MA, she is back up, and organizing stuff, and making people happy.

Of course Tessa's friends need to be told about the incedent, and who better than their loving head mistress, who they both know. They probably do know Tessa's father, but they won't be as comforted by him as they will by Hilda, particlularly with Hilda being the woman she is.

Mireille in particular must be stunned at the end of that conversation. I only hope that after talking with her parents (and thus giving Hilda a chance to talk to Gillian) she is able to make a phonecall or so herself! That however is in the hands of her own people, and I am sure that Hilda will do her best to offer what support she can. I wonder what she will offer to Tessa's friends as support. I am beginning to think that Hilda finds it difficult to see any need without offering *something*. However, it may well *just* be the right to visit her in her study while she is at the school whenever they feel they really need to talk about Tessa.

And again there is Katy...

Oh Mary - I'm sorry for the slight essay here, but I really don't quite know how else to put it. This scene is wonderful - and must have been quite difficult for writing.

Thank you.

#54:  Author: MirandaLocation: Perth, Western Australia PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 3:07 pm
    —
*echoes a lot of what Katy said* Mary, your writing is so incredibly powerful that I am just drawn straight into each post and then emerge out the other side absolutely dazed with the intensity of what I've been through!

Poor, poor Hilda! She is doing so much for others, as always, and will just continue to do so as much as she can. Her wisdom and thoughtfulness will be such a help for John, and of course both Tessa and Katy as well.

Thank you Mary.

#55:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 8:42 pm
    —
Thank you so much for the totally undeserved compliments - and for appreciating Hilda's actions.

Mother Abbess listened to Hilda patiently trying to persuade a distraught young girl that she was more than capable of taking her injured friend’s place at school. Once again the nun recognised the unique qualities that made this gentle woman such a wonderful Headmistress – and person. Though when Hilda glanced at her, she saw there a glimpse of something which worried her, something being ruthlessly tamped down, but she knew now was not the time to go into it.

Suddenly, however, Mother Abbess thought of another young girl who might also be upset by all this. Leaving Hilda to her phoning, she took herself off to Ellie’s room where she was working with Vivien Knowles. The latter sprang to her feet when she saw the nun’s anxious face. Ellie just stared blankly. Mother Abbess heard herself speaking baldly, wanting to get the facts across quickly.

“Hilda’s just taken a phone call from Boston. Your Head Girl - Tessa – she’s been badly injured, hit by a bus. She won’t be fit for months. I’ve left Hilda making calls to Tessa’s friends but she’s very…”

“Upset,” said Vivien quietly, appalled by the news. “Yes, I can imagine. She’s very fond of the girl.”

“And vice versa,” said the nun.

“This Tessa,” interrupted Ellie in a hard, brittle voice. “She is important to Madame? To the school?”

There was a heavy frown on her face, anxiety in her eyes. Mother Abbess and Vivien exchanged glances. They had both heard the tone of voice. Was Ellie still frightened of losing her place in Hilda’s heart? The nun walked across to Vivien’s vacated chair and placed it next to the girl. Seating herself, she put an arm gently round the stiff shoulders but remained such that she could see her eyes.

“Yes, Ellie, Tessa is very important both to Madame and to the school – she’s a very fine person and much loved by all. Madame is upset because of the terrible injuries, and will go to extraordinary lengths to help her. I’ve just watched her work miracles with the rest of the family – and she’s even talking of flying to America to visit, when Tessa is a little better.”

She saw the shadows in Ellie’s eyes deepen. This girl was terrified. Breathing a swift prayer for help, she said gently, “That is who she is, Ellie, as I’ve already told you once. She would do the same for any person in such need, whether she loves them or not. You cannot change that in her, nor should you try. However, nor should you be afraid that it means she loves you any the less just because she must think about Tessa right now. Her heart is big enough for both of you. Let’s face it, her heart is big enough for the whole world.”

“But she has only known me for two weeks,” whispered Ellie. “So why should she care about me when she has known all these other girls for so much longer?”

“Child, I’ll be honest,” whispered the nun, her green eyes soft. “I don’t think time has anything to do with it. It took far less than two weeks for Hilda herself to find her way into my own crabby heart – for I saw something very special and rare in her. In the same way, Ellie, she has found something very, very special in you – and you have helped her in her sorrow where no other could. I think le bon Dieu intended you to discover each other. She loves you as she loves few others. Hang on to that fact and don’t despair, little one.”

She saw some of the shadows recede a little from the vivid blue eyes. How she longed to tell her the truth about her school fees, and much else besides. But no, Hilda had forbidden it, little knowing how much that would have helped Ellie at this moment, reassuring her about her place in Hilda’s heart. I disagreed with you then, daughter, and I disagree with you now.

“You promised me you would give to her, Ellie. And give generously. Well, I am going to ask you to do just that, even though it will cost you. I’m going to ask you to leave her alone for the rest of the day. She needs some time to herself, because not only is she upset about Tessa but she has to think about the best way forward for the school. Can you find it in your heart to give her that freedom and set your own needs in abeyance a while?”

Ellie looked at her silently. Did she have the courage to be so self-effacing? Mother Abbess waited patiently. This girl had lost everything, after all, every person she had ever loved. It was understandable that she would want to come first to Hilda, to someone. Suddenly, however, she became lost in admiration, for Ellie straightened her shoulders, gritted her teeth and nodded. Hilda had been justified in her words – Ellie was growing before one’s very eyes.

“Dites-la…..tell her I love her, Mère, and that she must look after herself.”

Mother Abbess drew her closer and kissed her gently. “Bless you, child. And don’t worry – you will never lose her heart, I promise you.”

She caught the glimmer of a smile as she released the girl. Vivien breathed a sigh of relief and moved forward. “Ellie, what say we have a little adventure? If Mother Abbess here would lend us the car, perhaps we could go and find a cinema, and maybe some tea afterwards.”

Bless you, too, Vivien, thought Mother Abbess to herself as she rose from her chair. She was about to turn and leave the room when she suddenly had an idea. She looked down at Ellie. “And when you return, perhaps Miss Knowles could show you the very special book written by girls at the school about Madame and her courage. For she saved my own life a few months ago – you’ll find the story at the front of the book. There’s a story by Tessa there that will make you want to weep. She too loves Madame very much, Ellie.”

Vivien’s eyes lit up. This she could do for Hilda. “Perhaps we’ll do that now, Ellie, rather than going to the cinema. And then I’ll show you how to do some of those magic tricks you’ve been pleading with me to learn.”

Seeing how this appealed to Ellie, Mother Abbess turned to the door. “I’ll go and fetch it – and order you tea and some of Sister Aiden’s special cakes.”

Expecting to find Hilda still in the office, she was surprised to find it deserted. Guessing instantly where her friend would be found, she picked up the velvet-covered book from its shelf and sent it along to Ellie’s room, courtesy of a passing novice. She then made a detour to the kitchen to have a word with Sister Aiden, before continuing on her way to Hilda’s place of refuge…

#56:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 9:00 pm
    —
I'm sitting here breathless again, not just at the way Hilda dealt so gently, yet so reassuringly, with Mireille, but at so many other elements also. MA spotting that beneath that apparently vigorous front, something was clearly wrong, but keeping quiet - for the time being. Her compassionate talk with Ellie, and the way Ellie herself did indeed 'grow before our eyes' as she responded to MA's appeal, putting Hilda's needs ahead of her own. That took some doing, and speaks well not just of Ellie's own growing maturity, but of MA's powers of persuasion, too. Vivien's instant understanding of the need to divert Ellie at this time - I can only imagine what Ellie's reaction will be to that book and will look forward to reading about it later.

And finally, MA can go to seek Hilda. I'm sure I know where she'll find her, but will contain my soul in patience until next time!

Thank you, Mary.

#57:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 9:37 pm
    —
Hilda is going to be feeling guilty that she cannot do enough, she's also going to be missing Nell's common sense and down-to-earth help.

Hope MA can help.


Thank you Mary.

#58:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 9:47 pm
    —
Well done MA - what a difficult job, and yet she did it so splendidly, leaving Ellie in a position where she could take control of herself.

And well done Vivien as well, seeing where she came in as well. This is the perfect distraction - and will give Ellie the link to Tessa she needs to sympathise with her. We can't really *feel* for someone we have little or no link to/understanding of.

I am concerned about what Hilda is pushing down inside her though - I hope that MA finds the right time to deal with this...

Thank you Mary - you more than deserved our comments last time, and this is also lovely.

#59:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:26 pm
    —
I held my breath for a while there, but Ellie came up trumps, partly thanks to the sensitivity and wisdom of MA and Vivien. As Squirrel said, the book 'will give Ellie the link to Tessa she needs to sympathise with her'. Perhaps their mutual devotion to Hilda will cause them to become firm friends instead of jealous rivals.

It must seem to Hilda that her world is splintering around her - what else is going to go wrong? And she must know, really, that she's not yet fit enough to cope with all this. Wonder where she's hidden out? And what will transpire when MA finds her?

Thank you, Mary.

#60:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 11:26 pm
    —
*sniff* (again!)

Beautiful. Poor Ellie - but brave Ellie too. She's taking steps forward all the time. I do hope that people will show her the same understanding and compassion when she gets to the school as MA does now, though Vivien will be able to help in that respect. Hilda will too, of course, but obviously that will be more tricky in some ways.

Quote:
“But she has only known me for two weeks,” whispered Ellie. “So why should she care about me when she has known all these other girls for so much longer?”

The poor love... But having been almost completely ignored by her father for so long, it's quite understandable that she should question Hilda's apparent love for her, and her combined reaction of jealousy and doubt is very realistic. Hilda being Hilda, however, will probably know exactly what's going on and insist on overruling MA and seeing Ellie, even if only for five minutes!

Merci, cherie.

PS - And by the way, the compliments were fully deserved - don't argue or I'll come and tickle you mercilessly! Wink

#61:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 11:46 pm
    —
How impressive MA's handling of Ellie was there, and how heartening that Ellie was able to respond in such a mature and loving way. Her fears are absolutely natural when you remember how much she has lost and how young she is. And I think I agree with MA that she needs to know about the fees - and I rather suspect she will start thinking and ask about this quite soon - and that could be problematic. But what a splendid idea of Vivien's to show Ellie that book, which will reveal to her just how Hilda is regarded by so many.

I was wondering, was Hilda remembering the occasion when someone else had to step into a position at a moment's notice when a much-loved headteacher fell ill almost thirty years earlier?

Thank you Mary (Undeserved compliments? No, I don't think so)

#62:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 1:28 pm
    —
Poor Hilda et al, but also poor Ellie...........she has been very brave, considering her own problems.

Thank heavens Vivien is there, as well as MA, to help Ellie over this hurdle.

Thanks Mary, for posting all this . Much appreciated !! Very Happy
I look forward to seeing what happens next in due course.

#63:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 8:46 pm
    —
Thank you for all the wonderful comments. What would I do without you? Laughing

Only a short piece tonight!


....She then made a detour to the kitchen to have a word with Sister Aiden before continuing on her way to Hilda’s place of refuge…

Hilda was alone in the chapel, the setting sun pouring through the stained glass windows, laying a rainbow on her hair and burnishing it. She knelt near the front, her eyes glued to the bambino still lying in His crib. How many times had she found herself before the Lord like this, begging Him to help one of her girls? Joey, the Robin, Mary- Lou Trelawney, Julie Lucy – the list was endless. Then there had been Joey as an adult, Mademoiselle Lepâttre, in those days before the war, Mollie Bettany, Grizel, Nell....

Not my will but Thine, dear Lord. Only – please, she is so young and yet so wise . She has so much to look forward to, and so much to offer the world. If you want someone, take me – I have had such a good life.

She sensed someone slip into the pew beside her and knew instantly who had come to join her and uphold her. Without turning her head, she reached out a trembling hand and felt Mother Abbess tuck it into her own warm one. Side by side they offered their prayers for Tessa’s recovery, for strength for Tessa’s parents and younger sister. Mother Abbess also offered prayers for Ellie, that this bad news would not damage a burgeoning relationship. Nell, in your great love for Hilda, please take Ellie under your wing, and look after her till Hilda can focus again.

She had no qualms about that prayer. Nell was there, watching, guarding. The nun often wondered why she was so certain about this, for it went against all Church teaching. But she knew the power of love. Had she not experienced it herself in all its joy for just a little while? Hilda and Nell had grown together over so many years, intertwined so tightly in spirit that they never knew where one started and the other finished. They could not be torn apart now.

Even as she prayed, Mother Abbess heard quiet movements. Looking around, she saw Sister Patricia and Sister Eleanor kneeling in prayer nearby. Gradually, as the sky grew dark and the dappled colours faded from the chapel, the news filtered through the convent and more and more of the Sisters slipped into the chapel, wanting to offer their support to Hilda. Candles were lit, their rich smell a prayer in itself, their soft and healing light catching at one’s heart.

Never before had Hilda realised just how powerful and how comforting it could be to pray in community like this. Where two or three are gathered in My name, I am there in the midst of them. (St Matthew) And prayer, as always, quietened and renewed her spirit. She could leave Tessa in God’s hands – whatever happened, she was safe. She could not be swept from those everlasting arms.

Even as she felt the comfort, a sweet voice began to murmur beside her, a murmur that somehow travelled through the peace-filled chapel:

Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow,
Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,
What matters beating wind and tossing billow
If only we are in the boat with Thee?

Hold us quiet through the age-long minute
While Thou art silent and the wind is shrill:
Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, are in it;
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?
(Amy Carmichael)


There had been so many age-long minutes in her life. But no, the boat would not sink, her heart would not faint. Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes as other prayers came softly from all round the chapel, filling it like the fluttering wings of dragonflies, prayers of hope and encouragement and trust. Never had she felt less alone. What joy to be so upheld! Oh, that Tessa’s parents could be here and know this surety!

The prayers slowly metamorphosed into the prayers for Vespers, the Service that came before the evening meal. In the peace that followed after, Mother Abbes turned to her and drew her out of the bench silently. Hilda tried to resist but Mother was having none of it. Hilda needed sustenance. As Hilda seated herself at table, however, she could not believe her ears. Mother Abbess stood and asked for a constant vigil to be held in Chapel until such time as better news came of Tessa.

Someone would be in front of that altar day and night, prayers winging upwards, not only for Tessa’s recovery, but for the whole family that they be given strength. Hilda would not have to bear this burden alone. Nor any other burden from now on, with such love to surround her.

#64:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 8:58 pm
    —
Oh Mary, how much is there in this. I was just thinking through the first part of that, how anyone who knew nothing about Hilda would know exactly who she was, reading this.

Then on to show the love of the Nuns for their sister, as one by one they come to support her, to show solidarity with her, and those she cares for.

Oh Lord, I thank you for this wonderful picture you have inspired Mary to bring to us. Such a touching thing for us to witness, even in a story, of life lived for you - as we can live it now.

Mary - I love the way MA remembers Ellie in her prayers as well.

And then that last order for a constant vigil to be kept - what lovely news for Hilda to pass on to Tessa's father when he next phones. The convent focussing on doing what little they can do. I wonder what is happening in the convent in Boston. I can hardly believe that one convent in the order reacts in this way, and the other which knows about it doesn't also act. In fact, in my mind, I see a convent-chain - the MA's phoning 2-3 other MA's and getting the whole order of Nun's praying in such situations like this...

Thanks Mary. (and yes, this post wanted to come out this way, I couldn't change it).

#65:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:26 pm
    —
Very very powerful - and Hilda would have felt and loved all the aid and support from everyone else.


As for MA's conviction that Nell is there despite the fact it goes against all teachings? Pah! What do they know? Nell will always be there.


Thank you Mary.

#66:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:51 pm
    —
What a beautiful tribute to the power of prayer - Hilda's prayers for Tessa and her family, MA's additional ones for Ellie, then the entire body of nuns gradually adding their prayers to these - truly an example of "Where two or three are gathered together....."

I could just see the ripples moving in ever-growing circles as this wave of prayer grows - and yes, I agree, Squirrel, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the nuns in Boston are adding a circle to it, too.

How much Hilda will be heartened, not simply by this 'wall' of prayers, but also to know that MA was 'talking' to Nell and asking her help in watching over Ellie. (I love the idea that MA was so convinced that Nell was indeed there, watching, despite the fact that such a belief goes against the Church teachings.)

Once again, Mary, the power of your words paints a vivid picture for the rest of us, drawing us inexorably into becoming even a minute ripple in that widening circle of prayer. A truly powerful piece.

Thank you.

#67:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 11:00 pm
    —
That was really, really lovely, Mary. The support and love of the whole community as they jointly choose to share Hilda's burden is very moving, as is her realisation that, despite the loss of Nell, she will never have to carry such a responsibility of care alone again.
The power and comfort of praying in community is conveyed so strongly, and with such a sense of joy - and I loved the practicality of MA insisting that Hilda eat!
Very satisfying.

#68:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 11:38 pm
    —
Of course she would be in the chapel - and that slow swell of prayer, from one to two to four, to the many, - that was so amazingly evoked, together with the sense of how it is "to pray in community." And this would be so significant for Hilda to comprehend, to realise that this is how it will be for her in the future. And yes, I can see the ripples spreading....culminating in the constant vigil.

Nell and Hilda, or Hilda and Nell, yes it's impossible to separate them, so of course Nell is there, as MA so rightly divines. And the aptness of 'the age-long minute" is very moving.
And I loved the practicality that insists coreectly upon the necessity of dinner!

Thank you Mary

#69:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 2:02 am
    —
Lovely picture of community there.

As for Nell's presence -- surely it's a perfectly orthodox interpretation of the communion of saints?

#70:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 4:25 am
    —
Kathy_S wrote:
Lovely picture of community there.

As for Nell's presence -- surely it's a perfectly orthodox interpretation of the communion of saints?



Sorry Kathy, am having real problems here seeing Nell as a Saint! Laughing Wink

#71:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 11:29 am
    —
Lesley wrote:
Kathy_S wrote:
Lovely picture of community there.
As for Nell's presence -- surely it's a perfectly orthodox interpretation of the communion of saints?


Sorry Kathy, am having real problems here seeing Nell as a Saint! Laughing Wink

Oh, I don't know, Lesley! She gave her life that others might live. Wink

But I think Kathy is referring to saints with a lower case *s*. In the Church, the communion of saints is the spiritual solidarity which binds together the faithful on earth, the souls in purgatory and the saints in heaven in one mystical body. We on earth are called saints by reason of Heaven being our final destination. Based on 1 Corinthians 12.

Thank you, Kathy, for putting it so neatly. And I'm getting carried away here... Embarassed Embarassed

#72:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 12:04 pm
    —
I think you put it very aptly as well Mary. Smile

#73:  Author: Ruth BLocation: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 12:44 pm
    —
That brought tears to my eyes, it was such a moving description of the true meaning of community.

#74:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 12:56 pm
    —
Wow - I could write practically a whole essay on this post alone! So beautiful, and such a powerfully evocative scene. The feeling of community doesn't just extend to the people in the chapel; it reaches out to embrace the reader as well.

Quote:
Hilda was alone in the chapel, the setting sun pouring through the stained glass windows, laying a rainbow on her hair and burnishing it.

Mmmmm... Lovely.

Quote:
...prayers came softly from all round the chapel, filling it like the fluttering wings of dragonflies...

How do you come up with these images? That one is so unusual, yet so attractive - enticing, even. I also love the image of the age-old minute from the poem.

Quote:
Without turning her head, she reached out a trembling hand and felt Mother Abbess tuck it into her own warm one.

What a wonderful embodiment of the bond of love and friendship that has grown between these two women...

Quite, quite beautiful.
Merci, cherie.

#75:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 3:50 pm
    —
Lesley wrote:
Kathy_S wrote:
As for Nell's presence -- surely it's a perfectly orthodox interpretation of the communion of saints?

Sorry Kathy, am having real problems here seeing Nell as a Saint! Laughing Wink


Canonization proceedings might make an interesting St. Clare's drabble. Laughing

No, I did mean the small-s variety. Specifically, I was thinking of the point in the All Saints liturgy when members of the congregation invoke their own among the "vast crowd" of those who have gone before. It seemed to me that MA was basically doing the same thing. (No idea whether this also happens in C of E services.)

#76:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 9:11 pm
    —
Ruth B wrote:
That brought tears to my eyes, it was such a moving description of the true meaning of community.

Thank you, Ruth, and indeed all of you for your splendid responses. I'm sorry to reward you with such a tiny piece - but a longer one tomorrow. Laughing

......Someone would be in front of that altar day and night, prayers winging upwards, not only for Tessa’s recovery, but for the whole family that they be given strength. Hilda would not have to bear this burden alone. Nor any other burden from now on, with such love to surround her.

Feeling a little more relaxed, and ruthlessly pushing to the back of her mind an image that kept intruding, she turned to speak to Ellie seated beside her, but stopped, appalled. Ellie was white and tense, though there was bravery in the smile she gave Hilda. The latter glanced quickly across at Vivien and saw the anxious nod. So, they both knew as well – but something was wrong. She felt a cold hand steal into hers and her perception suddenly picked up the problem.

Mother Abbess had been right to make her come and eat, she realised. There was a task for her right here and now. Tessa was in the Lord’s hands, but here was a child as wounded in heart and spirit as Tessa was wounded physically. She was afraid. And she had not enough inner resources as yet to deal with such fear. Hilda placed her arm protectively round the stiff shoulders.

“Ça va, ma petite, everything’s fine,” she said softly. “I’m here now. I just needed some time to sort things out and also to go and pray for Tessa and her family. I can see you know my news.” She did some quick thinking. “Would you like it if we took our food to Mother’s room and had some quiet time together?” She knew the Abbess would want to be with the remaining guests after the meal, as she usually did, and her room would be free for a while.

“But Mère said I was to leave you alone tonight, that you needed to be by yourself,” whispered Ellie, who was very annoyed with herself that she had been unable to keep her fear to herself.

“I did, child, but now I’m ready to chat, if that is what you would like. You can tell me all you’ve been doing. There’s nothing to fear, I promise you.” She looked into the girl’s eyes searchingly and was pleased to see some of the tension disperse. She gave her a quick hug and then rose from the table. “Why don’t you put our dinner on trays while I have a word with Mother Abbess?”

As she passed Vivien, she leaned down to whisper, “Thank you, my dear” before moving across the room, leaving Vivien to wonder how her Headmistress knew there was anything for which to thank her. But then, Vivien thought to herself, Hilda was as good at reading minds as she was at handling girls. That impassive gaze of hers missed very little - and tolerated much. No one, but no one, would be able to replicate all this woman’s gifts, all her wealth of experience, when the time came for her to leave the school.

Watching shrewdly from the sidelines, Vivien saw again that fierce love blaze from Mother Abbess’s eyes when Hilda bent to speak to her, saw her lay a hand on Hilda’s and nod vigorously; she saw the utter trust in Hilda’s face as she smiled down at her friend; and she saw the deep bond that already now existed between Hilda and Ellie – one that could almost be touched – when they left the room side by side with their trays.

She sat transfixed for a moment or two, awed once more by the effect Hilda had on others, yet seeming totally unaware that she did anything out of the ordinary.

Flowers spring to blossom where she walks
The careful ways of duty,
Our hard, stiff lines of life with her
Are flowing curves of beauty.
(Whittier)


She only hoped Nell Wilson had truly appreciated just what a treasure she had possessed in Hilda’s friendship. Picking up her knife and fork, Vivien smiled wryly. How she herself envied Nell – even if the woman was dead!

#77:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 9:25 pm
    —
Quote:
She only hoped Nell Wilson had truly appreciated just what a treasure she had possessed in Hilda’s friendship.

Oh, I think she did! She wouldn't still be around otherwise, would she?!

Short, perhaps, but certainly sweet. Good for Hilda - knew she'd come through for Ellie! And how lovely that Vivien is there for Ellie as well now.

Quote:
...leaving Vivien to wonder how her Headmistress knew there was anything for which to thank her.

For sheer powers of perception, Hilda and Vivien are actually pretty well matched - witness Vivien's working out that Hilda is entering. Give Vivien a few years...

Quote:
Ellie was white and tense, though there was bravery in the smile she gave Hilda.

And good for Ellie too. She's getting there.

Love the verse at the end - and Laughing at Vivien's final thought!
Merci, cherie.

#78:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 9:42 pm
    —
I loved all of this - and Katya, you've picked out exactly the same bits to quote as I would have done!

It's so lovely to see Hilda respond to Ellie's need in this way - and Ellie's own fear that in not being able to conceal that fear, she was disobeying MA's direct request to her not to disturb Hilda tonight.

But the fact that Hilda, having entrusted Tessa and her family into God's hands, and realising that this is *all* she *can* do for the moment, feels able to turn her energy to helping Ellie, who also needs her, is once again a testament to her returning strength - though is anyone going to be able to keep her from over-taxing that? MA, perhaps?

Also the way the genuine affection between herself and MA shows so clearly even that briefest of interchanges - it was indeed almost tangible.

As for Vivien - there's certainly nothing wrong with her powers of observation at any time - and that little nod to Hilda gave the latter just the answer she needed, didn't it? I, too, have a vision of her as a worthy successor to Hilda at the school at some time in the future. and I just loved that parting thought, that she could almost envy Nell!

Thank you, Mary. Will look forward to seeing the next bit.

#79:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 10:24 pm
    —
Just a little worried because Nell isn't there any longer, at least not bodily - will the others, even MA, be able to stop her over-exerting herself? Vivien does seem to be shaping up as a successor - perhaps whem Nancy and kathie wish to move on?



Thanks Mary.

#80:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 10:31 pm
    —
Oh yes, Vivien, Nell did appreciate Hilda, don't worry! And how perspicacious you are to recognise the subtleties and depths of the involvement Hilda has with those around her.

And Hilda has such understanding of those around her, and the capacity to deal with them as they need her. And Ellie is making such efforts to help herself, to cope with this situation, even though she is so afraid. Oh yes, and what a lovely vignette of the relationship that has developed between Hilda and MA - so clear in even the small interchanges.

And what a clear desxcription of how Hilda impinges on others:
Quote:
Our hard, stiff lines of life with her
Are flowing curves of beauty.


Thank you Mary

#81:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:44 am
    —
Quote:
She only hoped Nell Wilson had truly appreciated just what a treasure she had possessed in Hilda’s friendship. Picking up her knife and fork, Vivien smiled wryly. How she herself envied Nell – even if the woman was dead


I like Vivien more and more with every thought and comment of hers that we read ! This was utterly priceless Laughing

About the communion of saints; my experience is pretty much that of Mary, though we don`t have purgatory .

As members of the church, whether our bodies are alive or dead, our souls are most definitely alive in Christ, belong to the same family and bear one another`s burdens in a chain of mutual love and prayer. In our belief, it would be common to ask departed parents/ relatives for their prayers, or those of any departed person.

Though in public prayer and services, only those canonised as saints are invoked , as we are pretty sure about their ultimate destination, Laughing

So it makes perfect sense to me for MA to ask Nell to pray for them all.

I love the though of a canonisation drabble......... I think I feel a drabble coming on Wink

#82:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:05 pm
    —
Oh Well Done Ellie! Of course Hilda would know how she was feeling - Ellie obviously hasn't learned that silly adult trick of how to hide your feelings from those who love you. Even if she had, this is Hilda we are talking about, and even if some people could hide the way they are feeling from her (is this sacrilidge?) someone she loves as much as she cares about Ellie would never manage it!

And Vivien - she can see you have sat with Ellie - for Hilda, that is enough to thank you for. She need know nothing more about what you have done, simply that Ellie is with you now. Her own mind will do the rest.

That love, as she talks to MA, and lets her know what she plans on doing. I wonder what MA is actually thinking mind you. However, she shall let her daughter do as she wishes to - knowing that it is the best for Ellie.

Vivien is such an observant person herself - love her closing thought!

Thanks Mary - wonderful.

#83:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:25 pm
    —
Meanwhile Hilda and Ellie settled themselves on the settee in the Office. The dancing flames in the hearth chattered and sang to them as they ate, Hilda allowing the dimness and quietness of the room to soothe Ellie. However, neither of them was really hungry and when Ellie sighed and laid down her knife and fork, Hilda did likewise. Efficiently, she picked up the trays and set them by the door and then sat back down again, pulling the girl into her arms with a murmured endearment. She laid her cheek against Ellie’s head where it lay nestled against her.

“Are you going to put into words what makes you so afraid, child?” she said softly. “I can see the fear, but I can’t help if I only make guesses.”

“You love Tessa?” whispered Ellie.

“I love all my girls, chérie,” answered Hilda. “And will do whatever it takes to make sure they are well and happy, if it is within my power. But with Tessa it’s a little more complicated. She is – was – my Head Girl and so I have to work more closely with her, and because she is a very wise and loving girl I have become extremely fond of her. And I am very concerned about her, for she is very, very ill.” She felt a tremor run through Ellie. “What is it, child? Why does that frighten you?”

Ellie turned her face into the softness of Hilda’s cardigan and when she spoke her voice was muffled. “You have known Tessa a long time. You have known me but two weeks, Madame. And I have done some silly things, behaved like a child, hurt you.” Silence fell and Hilda waited. “How can you love me as…as you love this Tessa? I have done nothing, absolument rien du tout, to deserve all you have done for me this Christmas.”

“Oh, Ellie,” whispered Hilda brokenly, and tightened her arms round the girl. “Child, you don’t have to earn my love. You have it freely. It’s true I’ve only known you a short time and, if I'm totally honest, I don’t understand the why of it all myself. ”

“What do you mean?” came the muffled voice

Hilda debated within herself. She was not given to discussing her feelings. The only one who had ever been their recipient had been Nell. Being open and honest with Mother Abbess had had to be learned, had at times to be forced by the nun herself. But she was healing because of that openness. Could she now help Ellie by again opening up? But what were the right words? She gazed into the fire, and conjured up Nell’s face within the dancing flames, a face that had been haunting her since the news came – and saw a way through. If you’ll help, dear one.

“Ellie, my love for my friend, the friend in the picture, grew very slowly and it was several years before I knew just how strong that love was. Even my fiancé – sh, I’ll tell you one day, dear – even my love for him grew slowly in my heart. But with you – it happened in the blink of an eye. Before I could get to know you, I loved you.” She heard Ellie give a sob and she kissed the top of the girl’s head in reassurance. “Poppet, what I have for you in my heart is unchanging and forever. Whatever your actions in the future, that love will always remain and I will never leave you as alone as you have been, God willing.”

A hush lay on the room as she paused, wondering if her words were getting through. It was a new situation for her and she was groping along blindly, by instinct alone. Love this new was so delicate, so easily hurt. And there was so much she was still unaware of in this young girl.

Taking a deep breath, she whispered, “You’re worried about Tessa – about my feelings for her. Tessa has no need of me, petite. She has father, mother, sister, family, friends. And I have no need of her, though I have respect and admiration, and if she allows it I hope it will all develop into something closer when she leaves and is no longer my pupil. But that doesn’t take away your place in my heart, Ellie – for you I do need.”

Ellie raised her head at that, her face shocked. “N..n..need me?”

Hilda smiled down at her, face made beautiful by her love. “Oui, chérie, I love you, therefore I need you. You have become necessary to my life.”

“But – you don’t know me!” gasped Ellie.

Hilda smiled wryly and nodded. “Mmmm! That’s what I mean about that blink of an eye. It’s a miracle, Ellie, a Christmas miracle. For me, and I hope for you.”

Ellie stared at her, tears in her amazing eyes, unable to comprehend the magnitude of all this. Hilda’s eyes beamed down at her, full of the love Ellie had always hoped to see in her father’s eyes, the unselfish love she had always seen in her grandmother’s. Hilda kissed her on the nose and drew her close again.

“Nell was everything to me, Ellie, the dearest friend anyone could have, and I needed her as I need air and water. I hope one day you will be able to understand that kind of deep sharing and recognition. Even in death, my love for her fills my heart and will always do so. But you and Mother Abbess, whom I also love, have moved in and taken your own places alongside Nell in my heart, and feed it as she did. They say that love stretches your heart and makes you big inside. All I know, Ellie, is that the more you love, the more love you have. And when we love, we love each person differently, not more, not less, just differently. So don’t despair, child. I can love Nell, and you, and Mother, and none of you takes away from the others.”

Ellie raised her head again and whispered, “And we still leave room for Tessa.” Hilda nodded, breathing a sigh of relief, and Ellie added, “Miss Knowles showed me today the story Tessa wrote about you – and all the other stories as well.”

“Ah,” gasped Hilda at the suddenness of the statement. “Tessa got carried away.”

“But no, Madame, for she only said what Mère told me the other night. Would you really give your life for mine?”

Mother Abbess had been telling tales out of school again, reflected Hilda ruefully. “Yes, ma chérie, if it was necessary. Tessa nearly gave her life for her sister, you know. She pushed her out of the way of the bus instead of getting away herself.”

She saw admiration creep into the girl’s eyes, but doubt also was there. “But she did that because she was her sister. I’m not your family.”

“No, petite, but I would do it, just the same. And I would do it willingly, for I love you.”

Hilda’s mellow voice breathed truth and Ellie’s face was suddenly transfigured. She reached out a trembling hand to touch Hilda’s face. “Madame, would you teach me how to love as you do?”

#84:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:39 pm
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Mary - you don't know how often you had me close to tears there. That was absolutely stunning.

Hilda couldn't have done that better. No need to bring in the statement that if you don't share those you love, you lose them. That doesn't even figure here, as you have shown so lovingly. Hilda gets across her message that she cares about Tessa, but that that affection will never come close to what she feels for Ellie.

And how wonderful, that she was able to tell Ellie that this love was God given, came in the blink of an eye, and would remain the way it was - no matter what.

What incredible devotion (I'm not sure if that's the word I actually want or not, but it will do!). Something that you cannot explain, but just have to accept.

Just beautiful, thank you Mary love.

#85:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:42 pm
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Oooh, a freshly-minted update !

Hilda - and by that I include you, Mary ! - has such a wonderful way of dissecting , analysing and so clearly explaining the complexities of emotional relationships.

Hilda has been able to show Ellie that love is not finite, to be hoarded and guarded jealously in case it runs out, but instead it needs to be shared and freely given, when it will be returned a hundredfold...... Ellie is learning some desperately important lessons about life and love and friendship, and both MA and Hilda are so well-equipped to empower her with that knowledge.

A pleasure and a privilege to read this, Mary. I thank you.

#86:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 9:12 pm
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This was another riveting section - once again I could almost see Ellie growing before my eyes. And Hilda was so astute in what she said to her, treating her as a sensible individual who could understand adult feelings, not as an immature child, yet at the same time, understanding her need for reassurance. But to assure her that she was loved because she, Hilda, needed her, was perhaps the most telling thing of all.

As Sian says, Ellie is learning so many lessons,which will be invaluable to her as she grows up and makes her way in life. But what a wonderful teacher she has here - Hilda never fails to find the right ideas and arguments to convince Ellie and assuage her fears.

Thank you Mary.

#87:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 11:51 pm
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Quote:
you don’t have to earn my love. You have it freely.
That phrase says it all for me. Love that is totally unconditional, that will never have to be earned or deserved, that, being used, just continually begets itself, that is not parcelled out and rationed but given freely and differently to all who call it forth ... that's a pretty impresssive definition of love!

And the background of Nell (how much Hilda is missing her support in this crisis), who is more necessary than life itself to the one who loved her, and the assurance that their love will never die, whatever happens to their bodies ... thank you, Mary.

#88:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 2:35 am
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A most marvellous explanation of love and the ways in which it enriches both those who bestow and those who receive and reciprocate. I wasmost moved by this:
Quote:
the more you love, the more love you have. And when we love, we love each person differently, not more, not less, just differently.
With this sort of love, practised properly, there is no room for fear, no room for measuring and assessing. And how far Ellie has come that she can both hear and understand Hilda, and take that concept into her own life to admit Hilda's affection for Tessa.

And how much Hilda has revealed of herself to Ellie - that the love she feels for this girl is essentially that of a mother for her daughter, for as she says:
Quote:
what I have for you in my heart is unchanging and forever. Whatever your actions in the future, that love will always remain


And Nell is so present here, so much a part of what Hilda is saying - and yes, Hilda sums up the essential nature of her love for Nell:
Quote:
I needed her as I need air and water
Yes indeed.

Thank you Mary.

#89:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 4:17 am
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All that I'd want to say has already been said. Hilda was magnificent in reassuring Ellie that her love is something she will always have.


Thank you, Mary.

#90:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:13 am
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Oh...

This is one of the most moving things I have ever read. As they sit there together, Ellie revealing her fears and Hilda reassuring her, the love between them is almost palpable. Two unquestioning loves: Ellie's clear adoration of Hilda, and a mother's love for her child.

Quote:
"...But with you – it happened in the blink of an eye. Before I could get to know you, I loved you.”

It seems as though neither of them can fully understand the reasons why they are loved by the other, though Hilda, with her experience and insight, can see that perhaps that isn't important. I suppose that's true, unconditional love.

Quote:
Hilda’s eyes beamed down at her, full of the love Ellie had always hoped to see in her father’s eyes, the unselfish love she had always seen in her grandmother’s.

Poor Ellie... but lucky Ellie too. I hope she'll be lucky from now on.

Quote:
“Madame, would you teach me how to love as you do?”

I think she is learning by example already...

Quote:
Mother Abbess had been telling tales out of school again, reflected Hilda ruefully.

Laughing
I hope Tessa will make a full recovery and that she and Hilda will become firm friends, though I think it very likely! I hope Ellie gets to meet Tessa at some point too.

Quote:
Ellie stared at her, tears in her amazing eyes, unable to comprehend the magnitude of all this.

Reading such an exquisite description of love, I know how she feels...
Beautiful. Merci, cherie.

#91:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 8:52 pm
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I may have moved some of you to tears with that episode, but I must tell you that your responses brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

Ellie took another step towards greater maturity that night, once reassured of her place in Hilda’s heart. More importantly, she began to trust the love Hilda had for her. She trusted that it would be steadfast and constant, unlike her father’s, although she still had no real understanding of how someone could love her like that so suddenly and so spontaneously. And she had never had much faith in miracles, despite Hilda’s words. Her life till now had been too bleak.

She knew deep in herself that though she depended on Hilda, she did not yet love her back in that same unselfish way that Madame loved her – but she had no idea that Hilda was all too well aware of this and loved her anyway. And would go on loving her, no matter what, for she accepted the truth of the Bards immortal words:

…….Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds….
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.


What Ellie did feel was the impact, yet again, of these two strong women who were guiding her. She sensed, though dimly as yet, the wisdom and robustness of character of Mother Abbess, which would allow of no self-pity, and she saw the compassion Hilda had for all and the sheer goodness that shone from her. Ellie was also discovering a very special affection for her aunt, her marraine, that gentle, peaceable woman with the soft brown eyes, who was teaching her so much about her father in his younger days. As for Vivien – she simply found her a magical person.

Ellie was beginning to think for herself – and she realised somehow that it was Hilda to whom she owed all these good people who were helping her; it was Hilda who had cracked the tight shell in which she had hidden herself, and those cracks had allowed all this love to pour in like a floodtide. And, of course, it was Hilda who had lighted a candle of hope for her in the shape of a new school, a new life, new dreams.

All this had inspired her make her poignant plea to Hilda about teaching her to love, a plea which had brought tears to the blue-grey eyes. Hilda accepted with deep humility that she was the one who had been asked to make a difference to this wounded girl. That call was very clear. Why else feel the love that she was now experiencing, a love so sudden and so all-encompassing? Her own intense sorrow for Nell, allied with her lifetime’s experience of young girls, had opened her up to recognise, not only how hurt this girl had been, but also how that hurt had damaged her character. Hilda was prepared to spend the rest of her life helping her become what she truly should be, whilst instilling in her the fact that she was already God’s immortal diamond and could trust in Him when all others failed her.

That night, for the very first time, Ellie accompanied Hilda to Compline, and was soothed by this peaceful and beautiful end to the Convent’s day. Was this the source of Madame's gentle, quiet character? Was this where she learned to love? Pondering these things, even while doubts and confusion still stirred within her, she knelt quietly by Hilda and let the serenity of the prayers and scripture flow round her.

Hilda also sank into the stillness of this time, and in her heart she placed the plight of all these young girls in His hands, as she had placed Tessa earlier, for had He not promised to bear any burden? She made a very special plea for Ellie, praying she would be given the courage to open her heart to others and learn to love unselfishly, as she now wished.

The simple and melodious tones of Salve Regina spread through the sweet, candle-lit dimness and she shook herself, willing the anguish and anxiety of the day to float away in the sheer glory of the beautiful voices. When the organ began to play gently at the end of the service and the nuns filed out and the Great Silence began, she had found her own measure of peace.

#92:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:26 pm
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Oh, how lovely! I'm so pleased I took a break in a very busy evening to read this now, because your beautiful description of this scene of quiet has brought me a measure of peace, too.

Quote:
Why else feel the love that she was now experiencing, a love so sudden and so all-encompassing?

Whether it is as yet fully reciprocated or not, both Ellie and Hilda are surely gaining so much from Hilda's love for this girl.

Quote:
And, of course, it was Hilda who had lighted a candle of hope for her in the shape of a new school, a new life, new dreams.

I wonder if Ellie has followed this through to its logical conclusion, and realised exactly how much Hilda has done for her? And as for thinking Vivien a magical person, I'd agree - she's super!

Merci, cherie - I shall now return to my translation, much refreshed. Wink

#93:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:41 pm
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This is so beautiful - I have tears in my eyes yet again. There are so many threads woven in here: Ellie's realisation of all the love with which she is surrounded. Her recognition that she has Hilda to thank for breaking through that shell into which she had retreated and opening up her heart and soul to accept all this love, which will remain a constant in her life. Hilda's own acknowledgement that to her has been given the power to help Ellie in this way. All of it is so revealing and most moving. And all of it, in the end, comes from God.

It brought these words into my mind - I'm sorry, I can't remember the author's name, only the name of the tune to which it's usually sung, which is not really any help:

Come down, O love divine
Fill thou this soul of mine
And visit it with Thine own ardour glowing....


A truly heartwarming piece - thank you, Mary.

#94:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:54 pm
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That was most beautifully serene Mary, and explains so much about Ellie and Hilda. Poor Ellie, having learned not to expect or trust love, and so shutting herself up to everything - until Hilda was able to show her something different, that love is not "Time's Fool". And Hilda herself, so clear eyed about Ellie, so aware of her fear and need - and loving her anyway, in that selfless way, because that is what you do.

And in calling forth that response from Ellie, Hilda has been able to show her the love which is givenb to her by others such as MA, Sister Patricia and Vivien - and Ellie appreciates them and can begin to reciprocate.

And this then leads Ellie further on to an awareness of God's love from which all this love flows and has its being....

Thank you Mary

#95:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 4:05 am
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I am so glad that Ellie went to Compline with Hilda.
It is such a peaceful, beautiful and reverent service, casting the cares of the day onto God` s love and compassion.....it is a lovely ending to the day.

As a liturgical enthusiast, I have to ask, Mary, what type of liturgical prayer do they follow at the Convent ? Sounds quite profoundly Benedictine with the Marian antiphon sung at the end of Compline; this is what I use myself Wink

#96:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:28 am
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Oh Mary. Having read this through twice, I'm still not quite sure what I wish to say here.

Firstly, I love the way you have shown us Ellie's thoughts. Yes, what Hilda thinks breaks through a few times, but this is a wonderful way of showing Ellie taking yet another step forwards. How quickly she is progressing.

Who can fully understand love? It is something so deep that we 'humans' cannot quite take it in. And Ellie has chosen (or had chosen for her) someone who is perfectly placed to help her understand the meaning of 'love'. As Hilda realised, she has been given this deep love of Ellie for a purpose, and she has also been given the ability to pierce the walls that Ellie had wrapped around herself, and start her off upon the journey to loving again.

And ending with Compline... How lovely, to see Ellie in a place where she can go into this strange service, and come out feeling all the better for it. Hilda has broken through, and now MA, Vivien, her Aunt, and most importantly God Himself can get through to her, and give her what she needs most of all. The first brick, managing to start the building, upon which others will build.

Elder started me thinking of songs with her quote, and while He was never fully mentioned, the last little bit began to remind me rather vividly of:

“Cast your eyes upon Jesus,
look full into His wonderful face,
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His glory and grace.”


Ellies worries do seem to be quieted at the end of Compline, hopefully they will continue to be so throughout this time of worry Hilda faces.

Thank you Mary

#97:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:18 pm
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I too love that hymn, Squirrel. I'm sorry, but Hilda's peace doesn't last. Crying or Very sad

She surprised herself by sleeping well – until five o’clock, when she came abruptly awake with a sharp cry that shattered the quiet of her room. The wonder was that no one heard in those dark hours before the dawn. Was she never to escape from these nightmares?

She had been with Nell on a bus in New York, admiring the sights, but the driver had angrily ordered them to get off, for the flowers they were carrying in their arms had blossomed and flourished and spread until there was no room anywhere to sit or stand. Getting off, they had been waiting for the next bus, when Hilda had noticed a bookshop behind them and went to peruse the window. Suddenly, there had been a dreadful screeching of brakes. Spinning round, she had screamed with horror – Nell was lying in front of the bus, blood streaming everywhere, trickling into then gutters, saturating her clothes. Hilda screamed again – only this time she made no sound. It was as though she had gone deaf. Before she could dash forward to help, the ground beneath her began to shake and shudder. Looking up, she saw that the tall buildings surrounding them had begun to crumble. Great slabs of concrete had fallen slowly, silently, one by one, onto Nell. As they gradually piled up on her body, her calm grey eyes had watched Hilda steadily, full of compassion….

“Nell,” whimpered Hilda in fright. She stared into the inky blackness, allowing her heartbeat to slow down, seeing those grey eyes watching and the great, grey blocks falling, falling….

With a sob, she sat up and reached out to switch on the light with a trembling hand. She would not be able to sleep again – did not want to sleep again. She slipped out of bed and went to stand staring out at the dark, wintry garden, her thoughts scattering like shot in all directions. She had known this would happen, had felt her brain split in two even as she heard the news of Tessa the day before, one half flying away to that other disaster, the one that had broken her heart, and she had had to be ruthless with the half that was left as she tried to help Tessa’s family and Ellie. But now that aching loneliness was back in full measure, a raw wound. Nell would not be so easily dismissed today.

She needed more help than she could give herself at the moment. That dream had been too vivid. Remembering the peace of the night before, she turned resolutely from the window, dressed warmly and passed silently through the dim corridors to the candle-lit chapel. She tiptoed in, seeing Sister Eleanor kneeling there, one of Mother Abbess’s army of spiritual warriors fighting so hard for Tessa’s life and recovery. Even as she slid into a pew near the back, quietude was already settling on her. This was becoming one of her favourite places, where she did her clearest thinking, free of all distractions.

Nell, dear heart, I can’t bear to keep you both in my mind. Tessa’s pain is bad enough – I can’t handle my own as well. Nor indeed the thought of the pain you must have suffered. And there is Ellie….. Trace me a rainbow, Nell, whisper me a gentle memory, one where we were happy, for I need to be strong for so many others this day, need to do on my own what I used to do with your help. Give me your courage, your robust common sense.

But Nell was silent. Why did that come as no surprise? She had always been a contrary creature! Burying her face in her hands, Hilda offered up prayers for Tessa and her family, for the decisions she needed to make regarding school, for Ellie and her first term, for herself that this grief would not once more rise up and defeat her.

Slowly, insidiously, the warmth and repose of the chapel stole over her. Her body relaxed, her head sank lower and she slept…... oblivious to the feather-light touch of an arm on her shoulders, the butterfly kiss on her hair, the soft sigh into the silence.

So many memories, lovely girl, but which one would help the most? Be strong, sweetheart. You can do it all. Sometimes my presence is no help at all, is it? It overpowers you. And your friend knows that – she tried to warn me. How she looks out for you, just as I used to do. Someone has to, that’s for sure, for you expend so much energy looking out for others. Rest quietly for now….


Last edited by MaryR on Thu Oct 26, 2006 12:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

#98:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:27 pm
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Oh Mary... How on earth does one respond to this? I am lost for words.

First the nightmare... As soon as I read the first few words I guessed that it would be some cruel mix of Nell's accident with Tessa's one. Only I didn't realise just how horrible it would be. Poor Hilda. And she expected it, I don't know if that makes it better or worse!

Then the trip to the chapel. For a minute I half expected her to join the nun. But it was not MA, nor another one of those Nun's she knew well. Besides, she gives of herself so willingly that she wouldn't want to interrupt the prayer for Tessa, even for a few minutes. I do hope that MA is somewhere in the background though!

And yes, this is just what she needs, exactly what she knew she would need. The presence of the already praying Nun makes her own journey into the presence of the Father that much quicker. I can well understand her preference for the room.

And her call out to Nell, of course Nell couldn't comfort her now, the pain was too recent. Too recent, and too close to that one she loves so much. Given time, and a bit more distance, given that peace, then Nell will be able to come in and give her comfort. But paradoxically, while things are still so fresh, so hurtful, and stressful, Nell cannot offer her comfort - it is far too hurtful in and of itself - as is reflected in the end of this piece.

And so, Hilda looses herself once more in her concerns for others, and Nell can come close.

As for the ending, I can say very little more than what I have already said. It is exquisite Mary. What beauty is in the thoughts and the love.

Thank you.

#99:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:35 pm
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I suppose that it was in some sense inevitable that news of Tessa's accident would awaken those memories of Nell, at least in dreams, so Hilda's nightmare is not completely unexpected. But at least she knows just where she can go to find peace and consolation -and eventually, to compose herself within in that peace so that she hears once again Nell's comforting reassurance that she really *is* still with her and giving her strength to continue. It's also interesting to note that vivid as it was, the nightmare's powers to disturb her were nowhere near so long-lasting as they would have been previously.

That last paragraph really does say it all, doesn't it? And gives her the strength to be strong for others once again.

Thank you, Mary

#100:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:58 pm
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Of course Nell is there for you Hilda - but sometimes even her presence isn't enough at first. So glad that you found some peace there.


Thanks Mary

#101:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 11:45 pm
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Nell's accident mingled with Tessa's - oh but that was haunting. And the flowers that spread and the bookshop - all the motifs that represent them.

Thank goodness that she was able to find sanctuary in the chapel, that she knows she can seek refuge there. And she recognises that there is a limit to what she can handle - that grief for Nell combined with concern for Tessa are simply too much for her and culminate in her plea:
Quote:
Trace me a rainbow, Nell, whisper me a gentle memory, one where we were happy, for I need to be strong for so many others this day, need to do on my own what I used to do with your help.
And then there is the restorative power of sleep....

Then that lovely last scene, the touch and presence that might be Nell, and the voice and spirit that definitely is. And as Nell knows, she can be overpowering, even though beloved, but she can count on others to help...

Thank you Mary.

#102:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 1:06 am
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*shudders*

Poor Hilda - that horrible feeling of not wanting to shut your eyes again for fear of what you will see... I do hope the welcome sleep in the chapel will be calmer. Nell certainly intends it to be, doesn't she?

Quote:
Her body relaxed, her head sank lower and she slept…... oblivious to the feather-light touch of an arm on her shoulders, the butterfly kiss on her hair, the soft sigh into the silence.

How magical! There are so many wonderful images in this piece - the flowers, the buildings, the colours - some are painful because of what they show, but in terms of language they're all beautiful.

Quote:
...her thoughts scattering like shot in all directions.

And what a vivid image that is! And this:

Quote:
She had known this would happen, had felt her brain split in two even as she heard the news of Tessa the day before, one half flying away to that other disaster, the one that had broken her heart...

Crying or Very sad

Give her the memory she craves, Nell...

Merci, cherie.

#103:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 4:20 am
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Mary, the synchronicity of this post is quite amazing !

I have just got up, woken from sleep by a particularly vile and upsetting nightmare and couldn`t go back to seep, so I came downstairs only to read this......

Poor Hilda, but not really surprising given the circumstances of the last few days. I`m glad she found tranquility and help in Chapel, and that Nell was watching over......

#104:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 8:36 pm
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Lesley wrote:
Of course Nell is there for you Hilda - but sometimes even her presence isn't enough at first.

That is indeed the problem, Lesley. Crying or Very sad

When Mother Abbess led her community in at seven o’clock, her eyes flew immediately to the figure of Hilda near the back, her head lying on her arms, motionless. Her lips tightened. Hilda was not fit enough for this. How long she had been there? She remembered that glimpse of something dark she had caught in Hilda’s eyes the day before. Had Hilda slept at all during the night?

The Grand Silence not being yet over, she turned her attention to the service, laying her anxieties to one side for the moment, immersing herself in the ritual. Afterwards she waited till the chapel was empty then made her way to Hilda’s pew. She regarded the still figure gravely, wanting to leave her in the peace she had clearly found. But that would not do.

“Come on, love, time for breakfast,” she said quietly, laying a hand on Hilda’s shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. Hilda raised her head and gazed blankly at her friend. Her mouth opened in a silent “Oh” of astonishment. “How long have you been here?” asked the nun.

Hilda shook her head. “I’ve no idea,” she said through a weary yawn. “I’m so sorry.”

Mother Abbess stood, lifting Hilda with her. “Breakfast,” she said firmly, and led her unresistingly from the chapel and sat her down at the table. She looked at a startled Vivien. “Make her eat,” she ordered curtly, brooking no refusal, and departed to her own table. She watched carefully and saw Hilda eat some toast and drink a cup of tea, but her cheeks were wan, her eyes smudged with weariness. She smiled at Ellie, but made little effort to talk. In point of fact she seemed very far away. Vivien, however, did valiant work and kept Ellie amused.

“You need to go back to bed, Hilda,” said Mother Abbess sharply, when she herded her away from the others after the meal. She was astonished to see Hilda shudder. What on earth was going on? There was something else here apart from the worry about Tessa and others.

“I’m fine, Mother,” Hilda assured her. “But I do need to make several phone calls this morning and do some hard thinking.”

“Well, you can do the phoning in my room – I’m out for a while till later this morning. But I really think you should do your thinking in bed. You’re not fully fit yet, remember.”

But Hilda was insistent and the nun sensed that now was not the time to fight her. She settled her in the Office and went about her own business, anxiety in her heart. What neither she nor Vivien realised was how concerned Hilda was for the school itself in the coming term. Mireille had been distraught for her friend, but she had also become very frightened at the thought of taking over Tessa’s post.

Mireille was well-liked and popular, but she did not have the maturity that was Tessa’s, nor her calmness and quick-thinking. Nor indeed was she at ease with her Headmistress as Tessa was. She was a good second-in-command but a leader she was not, or at least had shown no propensity to be so. Nor were any of the others, except perhaps Gillian Reece, who had also been extremely upset about Tessa, but she was Games Prefect and could not be promoted over Mireille.

Then there was the problem of choosing a deputy Head Girl. Hilda thought through her options and came up empty handed. She could have a quick word with Vivien, but that good lady was new to the school and did not yet know all the girls well enough. Hilda knew she would have to speak to Ruth Derwent, and Nancy, and that before the beginning of term. Whoever was chosen needed time to adapt to the news. But her heart quailed at disturbing Nancy and Kathie during the holiday and meeting that iciness of Kathie’s again.

I need you, Nell. I need to bounce ideas off you, have you play Devil’s Advocate. No one else will be as honest with me as you were.

She straightened her shoulders and put through another call to Mireille, gently bolstering her, promising all the help she thought she might need. She then phoned Gillian again, enlisting her help with the French girl. If anyone could pour some steadiness into Mireille it was the doughty Games Captain.

Hilda sat there thinking a while before making her way to Vivien’s room. Ellie having gone to see her aunt, Vivien was alone and understood Hilda’s problem immediately. She pointed out to her wan Headmistress that Ruth Derwent was on her own for a few days now Christmas was over, and Hilda gave herself permission to phone her. Back in the Office she did just that.

Ruth was horrified to hear about Tessa, grasped Hilda’s problem immediately, and said she would have a good think about it. Totally unaware of Hilda’s indecisiveness where Kathie was concerned, Ruth added that she and Vivien were travelling back to school with Nancy and Kathie and would it help if they all discussed it on the way back. Unaccountably relieved, Hilda thanked her. It would not give the new deputy any warning but it would have to do, unless she herself was suddenly inspired.

She leaned back in the chair. She had never pegged herself for a coward before. What on earth was wrong with her? Why could she suddenly not face Kathie? She had dealt with her firmly enough during the term. But she knew, oh yes, she knew. The loss of Nell had reared its ugly head once more and was stealing her strength, her self-confidence. Nell was burrowing inside again, clinging to her like a leech, and –

This was no good. Hilda stood up abruptly. She had felt the peace come dropping slow last night, and again this morning. There was a place she could lay this burden down for a while, as she had laid the others; a place where others could carry her till she had regained some stability; a place where she would be held quiet through the age-long minute….

#105:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 8:53 pm
    —
Naturally, in addition to Hilda's concern about Tessa herself, it's inevitable that her next concern whould be for the impact of Tessa's accident on the school, and equally inevitable that she would refuse any orders or requests to rest herself, even though she should have done so, until she had sorted things out a bit. And while Vivien is relatively new to the school, the fact that she understood the implications as soon as she heard them is not surprising. Nor is Ruth Derwent's immediate offer to do something she saw as helpful, without realising just how helpful it would be to Hilda.

As for Hilda's own reluctance to risk another clash with Kathie - she knows that eventually she will have to deal with this situation, but doesn't yet have the strength, either physical or mental, that she will need to do so - Nell is indeed 'burrowing inside her like a leech' just at this moment, sucking away at her self-confidence.

But clearly she finds the atmosphere in the chapel comforting - and it is surely through that 'Peace of God, which passes all understanding' that she will find the strength and courage to face the demands of the new term.

Thank you, Mary

#106:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:17 pm
    —
Oh Lord - what we can put ourselves through. It is the nature of humans, and yet, you are there, waiting for us to come to you, as Hilda is about to now.

I think I can guess where Hilda is going, and I do so hope that she receives her peace there. MA, I can see your dilemma, but Hilda was not trying to pray through the night, merely trying to seek freedom from her own demons. In your judgement be kind, and come soon to that understanding - make Hilda open up to you, it's the only way.

Thank you Mary, I am not at my clearest at present, but it was wonderful.

#107:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:03 am
    —
It's not surprising that Hilda is suddenly unsure of herself and having difficulties, because she is dealing with a school problem, and she herself identifies that previously Nell would have been there as her equal and honest colleague.
Quote:
I need you, Nell. I need to bounce ideas off you, have you play Devil’s Advocate. No one else will be as honest with me as you were.

I think if Vivien knew the school and the girls better, then she would be able to fulfill some of that function, but at the moment, she doesn't.
It's interesting because Hilda seems so settled and assured in the convent - but of course, this is a place that she has come to by herself and doesn't have the associations with Nell that the school does. Perhaps MA needs to take that into account.

And she will find that peace again...

#108:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 5:11 pm
    —
Poor Hilda, not being able to discuss with Nell, receive totally honest replies.

Thank you Mary.

#109:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 11:02 pm
    —
Very interested by Cath's typically searching response - yes, absolutely, to all of it.

I wonder, though ... Hilda is fine with regard to the girls. She's not sure what best to do, because there isn't an obvious replacement for Tessa, and she's badly missing Nell's advice, but she deals confidently and expertly, as always, with Mireille and Gillian, it's Kathie she can't face. I wondered if it's because Kathie's negative reaction is not to her role, but to her as a person (because of her jealousy), and it is Hilda, the person, rather than Hilda, the Headmistress, who is lost and alienated from herself. Lacking Nell, who has completed her for so long,she doesn't know herself any longer, she doesn't even feel she has the right to 'disturb' Ruth Derwent, who would be an obvious choice if she can't face contacting Nancy.

It's totally understandable that the accidents have become amalgamated in her dreams, of course - and how much Nell longs to be able to comfort her. I was moved by Hilda's plea to her:
Quote:
I need to be strong for so many others this day, need to do on my own what I used to do with your help. Give me your courage, your robust common sense.

Back to the chapel, I think, to be upheld again by the prayers of the community.

#110:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:01 am
    —
So much to catch up on....

Hilda really has recovered to a remarkable degree, despite the deluge of difficulties. I'm sure she'll make it through this -- but it's so hard while it lasts. Thank goodness for Ruth & Vivien -- and of course M.A and Ellie.

*hope Kathie grows up soon*

#111:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:40 am
    —
Mary, I have finally caught up and am amazed by the beauty of your writing. It is truly awesome!!!
The relationship between Hilda and Ellie - as I've said before - lucky Ellie to have that unconditional love and support.
And the peace of the posts before the nightmare. Katya is right - the story does bring peace - 'peace comes dropping slow.'
I'm sad the nightmares returned but I think Hilda will recover faster.
Thanks Mary.

#112:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:11 pm
    —
Ooh - lots to think about here, and on several levels. Apologies if it doesn't come out logically!

Quote:
I need you, Nell. I need to bounce ideas off you, have you play Devil’s Advocate. No one else will be as honest with me as you were.

I love the fact that this seems to have been one of the defining characteristics of their relationship. With Nell, Hilda could not only be herself, but was seen as herself, which, given her position, is the case with very few others. Of course, that makes Nell's death all the more painful. I hope the 'leech effect' will be more shortlived this time, and that Hilda will regain some peace more quickly. She does seem to be making progress in that respect.

Quote:
She had never pegged herself for a coward before. What on earth was wrong with her? Why could she suddenly not face Kathie?

Whatever Hilda is, a coward she certainly isn't. Given Kathie's behaviour to her at school, it's perfectly understandable that she should be apprehensive of their next encounter. What we don't know, however, is what might have happened between Nancy and Kathie during the holidays - has Nancy had it out with Kathie? If so, with what result? Also, Hilda may come to realise the cause of Kathie's hostility, which would change everything. I hope the fact that Nancy and Kathie will presumably hear the news at the same time will go some way to reassuring Kathie that she is no less a partner in the school - or the relationship. Looking forward with great interest to seeing this unfold.

On a lighter note, I love this:

Quote:
“You need to go back to bed, Hilda,” said Mother Abbess sharply, when she herded her away from the others after the meal.

The image of Hilda being 'herded' is lovely! Laughing But then, Mother Abbess's role is that of 'sheepdog' in many respects, really!

Very enjoyable.
Merci, cherie.

#113:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 9:25 pm
    —
Thank you all so much, and apologies for the delay, but my Katie couldn't be christened without her grandparents in attendance, could she? Wink Only a short piece, I'm afraid....


Hilda joined Mother Abbess for their usual afternoon meeting, looking white and tense. The nun settled her on the couch and took her hand, surveying her anxiously. “You’ve been in the chapel a long while, love. Did it help with the thinking?”

Hilda sighed and leaned her head wearily against the back of the couch. “I’m not sure. But it’s the only place I seem to find peace today, the only place my thoughts don’t scurry round like rats caught in traps, with no way out.”

“Have you eaten anything since breakfast?” asked Mother Abbess. “I was sorely tempted to drag you out kicking and screaming, but decided it would be counter-productive right now.”

Hilda nodded. “Yes, I wandered through to the kitchen a little while ago and Sister Aiden took pity on me.” Mother Abbess grinned to herself – there were not many people the cook was willing to feed between meals. “I went to find Ellie but I gather Vivien has taken her out.”

Mother Abbess squeezed the cold hand she was holding. “You needed time to yourself, sweetheart, and Ellie was worried about you after seeing you at breakfast – no, please don’t feel guilty - so Vivien decided a diversion was in order for both your sakes. I think they’ve gone to the cinema.”

Hilda closed her eyes. “Poor Vivien – I didn’t invite her here to off-load Ellie on to her.”

“Hilda, she was delighted to do it,” stated the nun firmly. “Your young colleague loves you very much. And she and Ellie seem to have taken a shine to each other. Let other people take some of the burden, child, if they are willing.”

Hilda opened her mouth but, before she could respond, the phone rang. Mother Abbess answered it immediately, since she only allowed urgent calls to be put through during these two hours with Hilda, and then handed the phone to her startled friend.

“Mademoiselle Annersley? C’est Mireille.”

“Bonjour, mon enfant. Ça va?” Hilda asked gently, sinking into Mother Abbess’s chair and wondering what was coming now.

She heard the girl take a deep breath, as though to give herself courage. “Je voudrais… I want to apologise for my silliness earlier, Mademoiselle Annersley, and to say that it would be an honour to be your Head Girl. As my parents have told me, it is time to give a little back, for I have been so happy at the school.”

Hilda breathed a silent sigh of relief. “Oh, ma fille, we will all stand behind you, I promise.”

“This I know, Mademoiselle,” answered Mireille, with great formality. “Et je vous assure, I will do all I can to be worthy of you – and Tessa,” she ended with a sudden sob.

Mother Abbess saw the emotion spread across Hilda’s normally impassive face, and prayed for both her and Mireille. The recent happenings were having their effect, robbing Hilda of badly needed strength. She heard that lovely voice sweeten and deepen.

“I’m so pleased you feel you can do this for Tessa, child. Now she will be able to relax and concentrate on getting well, assured that you have the job well in hand. And I promise you, dear, you will make us all very proud of you, for I have every confidence in you. It is not easy to step into someone else’s shoes at such short notice, especially when that person is so well-loved. I do understand your concerns, Mireille, and will do all in my power to help.”

She understood only too well, she reflected, recalling how very unsure and unprepared she herself had been when suddenly thrust into the limelight after Mademoiselle LePâttre’s illness, in the days before the war. She had felt she was drowning in inadequacy many times. Mireille was going to experience exactly the same, and Hilda intended to do everything she could to alleviate that sense of helplessness.

Her voice continued softly, “Thank you for finding the courage, my dear. And be assured that my door will be open to you day and night. You must never be afraid to come and ask, no matter how silly you might think the problem is. Don’t forget the help the Lord can give, either. But for now, I want you to do something for me. Will you promise?”

“Bien sûr, Mademoiselle Annersley,” responded the girl breathlessly.

“Good girl. I want you to go and inform your parents they have to spoil you for the rest of the day. Tell them your Headmistress orders it.” Hilda heard a sudden giggle as the girl relaxed. “We’ll speak again before the school opens and I will keep you informed of Tessa’s progress. Au revoir, chérie.”

Her eyes met those of Mother Abbess as she laid the receiver down, and the nun smiled lovingly, knowing how much better Mireille must feel after talking to her gentle, redoubtable Headmistress. How well she understood her girls. How quickly she raised their morale!


Last edited by MaryR on Mon Oct 30, 2006 9:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

#114:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 9:32 pm
    —
Oh how lovely. And again, such emotion, changing so quickly.

First of all, the concern which arose for Hilda, as she talks with MA - and yet another conquest of love for Hilda, as she is granted food between meal times.

Then the gratitude of Hilda, and her concern, as she learns that Vivien has taken Ellie on for the day. All this bodes well for the start of term.

Then the phone call, and such peace. I just love Hilda's parting shot about what Mireille has to say to her parents, and once again, I marvel in awe of Hilda's understanding, even though she has been through this herself.

Thank you Mary - that was lovely. Oh, and please, keep the storms away for as long as possible! Wink

#115:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 12:23 am
    —
Ah, but that was lovely! How splendid that Mireille has found the courage within herself to rise to the occasion, takes the role that has been offered to her and is willing to do all that she can for Hilda and for Tessa. And how well Hilda understands the girls in her care and can give them the help and encouragement that is needed - and I loved her final instruction to Mireille!

And of course Hilda would find peace and calm in the chapel; it has become such a necessary place to her hasn't it? And yes, she would understand just what Mireille feels, having been in that place herself....

Lovely to see Ellie and Vivien taking to one another like that - they both need friends don't they? And it's good to see that Ellie can give Hilda the space and time that she needs.

Thank you Mary

#116:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 12:57 am
    —
So many lovely elements here: Mireille finding it within her to accept the challenge of becoming head girl in place of Tessa; Hilda's heartfelt encouragement of her, knowing from her own long ago experience something of the challenges the girl will face - and I, too, loved that final instruction to her; Vivien's willingness to take on Ellie and the friendship they are developing - I'll bet they enjoyed the cinema outing, too; Hilda's finding the peace of the chapel the only place where her thoughts cease to scurry around, as she says, like rats.

And woven into this fabric is MA's own concern for Hilda as a beloved friend, who will never stint herself when she needs to give to others, no matter what the cost to herself in nervous or physical strain. But at the same time, she can see just how valued that gift is, and how well Hilda knows just when and how much to give.

A lovely piece. Thanks, Mary

#117:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 4:10 pm
    —
Short perhaps, but again very sweet! A piece that brings a contented smile to the face. Very Happy Good for Mireille - I'm sure she'll do fine, especially now she knows she has Hilda's full backing. And Hilda probably has more confidence in her now, too. I love her orders to Mireille's parents! Hopefully, this will have taken at least a little of the weight off Hilda's mind, so that she can save her strength to deal with other things.

Quote:
Mother Abbess saw the emotion spread across Hilda’s normally impassive face


Another beautiful and *visible* image - lovely...
Merci, cherie.

#118:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 7:12 pm
    —
I am so glad Mireille felt able to rise to Hilda`s expectations and hopes.That`s one less thing for Hilda, Vivien and MA to worry about.......

I particularly loved Hilda telling Mireille that her parents have to spoil her for the rest of the day Laughing

#119:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 9:47 pm
    —
.......Her eyes met those of Mother Abbess as she laid the receiver down, and the nun smiled lovingly, knowing how much better Mireille must feel after talking to her gentle, redoubtable Headmistress. How well she understood her girls. How quickly she raised their morale! But even as Hilda made to rise, the phone rang again. It was John Lewis. Before she could do more than greet him, he was speaking rapidly.

“Miss Annersley, Hilda, how do I thank you for everything? The flowers, the caring, the Grey Ladies!”

“John, how is….?”

He would not be interrupted. “The instant she saw your bouquet and heard it was from you, Tessa smiled – the first smile we have had.” His voice broke, but he struggled on. “And what you have done for Katy! She burst into tears after reading your note, but such healing tears. She began to talk, rather than sitting there silent and withdrawn. How did you know, Hilda, just how did you know? That note has touched all our hearts. Katy keeps re-reading it and smiling.”

“Then I’m glad I sent it, John, and the flowers,” whispered Hilda, close to tears herself at the emotion in the man’s voice. Mother Abbess listened with concern. Hilda seemed so vulnerable as she sat there. “How’s Tessa, John?”

“Apart from the smile, you mean? No change really. But we hope.” He cleared his throat. “But, Hilda, there’s something else for which I think we have to thank you - did you ask the good Sisters over here to help us?”

“No,” she replied blankly, her eyes swivelling once more to her friend, questions writ large. “I just asked them to arrange for the flowers to be sent. Why?”

“I’m not sure if you are aware, but the Convent is quite near the hospital. Their Mother Abbess and another Sister have been to visit us here. They sat with us in the waiting room, held us, talked to us, prayed with us. They have told us we can stop off at the Convent any time to rest, or to talk with someone. And they promised – they promised that someone would be praying for us day and night in their chapel. Why, Hilda? They don’t know us.”

His tone was completely mystified. Hilda tried to speak but found she had no voice. She closed her eyes and struggled with her tears. Mother Abbess saw and longed to rush over and comfort, but knew she would not be welcome while Hilda was doing her job. She kept her eyes fixed on Hilda and eventually, sensing this, the latter’s eyes opened again and looked beseechingly across the room. Mother Abbess smiled that sweet smile of hers, all her love in her face, steadying Hilda, encouraging her.

Her own eyes glued to those amazing green ones, Hilda cleared her clogged throat and found speech. “John, may I just tell you that they are doing the same here, day and night? That’s what they do, John. They place themselves at the centre of the world and pray for its wounded, its broken, its needy. It doesn’t matter that they don’t know you. They have taken Tessa and all of you to their hearts – such loving hearts,” she added in a whisper, all her love for them mirrored in her eyes and Mother Abbess felt her own throat tighten.

John Lewis fell silent at the other end of the line. This was something he just could not comprehend. It was outside his experience. Eventually he said slowly, as though still trying to convince himself it was all happening, “They’ve decided to take Katy under their wing, as well. The Mother Abbess offered to have one of their younger Sisters speak with her – one who works with teenagers, knows how to get through to them. She thinks Katy needs help with her feelings of guilt, needs someone to confide in outside the family.”

Staggered herself by all the Order was doing, Hilda could only remain quiet and listen as Tessa’s father talked. She realised what a release it was for him. After all, he needed to find strength somewhere so he could provide support for his wife and daughters. The Order was giving him that strength. As it had given that same strength to her, over and over and over….

#120:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 10:25 pm
    —
Quote:
The Order was giving him that strength. As it had given that same strength to her, over and over and over…


What a beautiful tribute to the work of the Order, wherever its convents are found. We know they make it their life's work to help those who are in need - to succour them, pray for them and with them, and go out of their way to help, regardless of whether or not they knew the people before their time of need. But to see these examples of just how they do it, for Hilda, Ellie, and now for Tessa and her entire family is so heartwarming. As it is to see how Hilda has unerringly done for both Tessa and especially for Katy, just what will help, strengthen and encourage them both, and their parents, too. I also love the thoughtfulness which will ensure that Katy has a non-family confidant to whom she can talk about her feelings of guilt over the accident, without upsetting her parents even further.

This section is sad, yet full of hope - and so filled with love that it's tangible. Thank you, Mary.

#121:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 10:44 pm
    —
It really is such a community isn't it? It doesn't matter that one convent is in England and the other in Boston - they are acting together, as hilda explains to John, doing their job of supporting and upholding, praying and loving.

As is Hilda! The note, the flowers, the prayers and the love, are all part of that compassion and caring that form such a large part of who she is and that define how she is as a headmistress. And MA realises this, understands that while carrying out the demands of that position may exhaust and sadden her to the point of tears, comfort offered at that point "would not be welcome". This is her job and she will do it. And these are the qualities that Hilda will bring to the work that she will perform in the convent....

Thank you Mary.

#122:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 11:26 pm
    —
Oh Mary, I'm so glad that John has this wonderful place to use as his outlet. He needs someone he can talk to, and it appears that Hilda is to be that person - outside his family, who all depend upon him.

And yes, how right that there would be another vigil going on - well done Hilda for finding the right words. I would have been tempted to hand the phone over to MA and have her explain it. OK, he still can't take it in, but perhaps he will come to accept it soon.

I am so glad that Hilda's note was able to help Katy, to open her up just enough to let others in. I am sure that now, this Nun who helps teenagers will have an easier time of it than she might have done otherwise.

And Tessa smiled Very Happy. that is wondreful news. I hope that she begins to improve soon.

And I hope that the family continue to feel the love and support of both of the convents. As Hilda said, that is what their work is about. Loving those who need their help.

Thank you Mary - what a lovely post.

#123:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 11:50 pm
    —
It seems that everyone Hilda meets is touched by her love. What a wonderful addition to the Convent and the Order she will make, since her instincts are so in tune with their actions.

Quote:
She burst into tears after reading your note, but such healing tears.

This brought tears to my eyes - twice, in fact, as I reread it before quoting it and it had the same effect. I hope Hilda's letter, combined with the support of the Convent in Boston, will help Katy to cope with the accident and its after-effects. As as for Tessa smiling - why isn't there a 'happy tears' smiley? Wink

It's so lovely to think that Hilda has not only found a mother and a daughter, but an entire family in the Order.

Beautiful as ever.
Merci, cherie.

#124:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 7:12 am
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What a beautiful summation of one of the raisons d`etre of the religious life !
Every monastic foundation holds the world and its problems very close to its heart, and enfolds them in prayers, whether people are aware of it or not.
There is no need too small or unimportant to be prayed for, or to ask God`s blessing upon.

I am glad that the Order is having such an impact, whether those affected understand it or not. They will feel surrounded by love and will be helped in some measure by that alone.

#125:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 7:42 pm
    —
So pleased that Hilda's influence is spreading far and wise. John and his family must feel so loved and cared for.


Thanks Mary.

#126:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 11:38 pm
    —
Oh $***$**, I've just killed the long response I'd written! Sad OK, keep calm and try to remember what on earth I said ...

I'm not going back to find the quote, that's what undid me last time, but it was on the lines of 'Hilda looked so vulnerable sitting there'.
YES, SHE IS, BUT IT'S THE VULNERABILITY OF SOMEONE WHO HAS THE STRENGTH (merde, now it's shouting at me! I'm witched tonight!) to open themsleves to the pain of others and absorb it, leaving them cleansed and ready to heal. It is the vulnerability of someone who can empathise with the varied feelings of those for whom she is responsible in a way that enables her to encourage Mireille into being more than she thought she could be, to find just the right words to ease Katy's breaking heart, to bring the first smile to Tessa's face.
This is, indeed, Hilda doing her job, and it is encouraging that MA realises she has to let her do it, and contents herself with steadying and encouraging her.
Absorbing others' pain when she has so much of her own is a tall order, of course, but Hilda now knows that she doesn't have to carry it alone, and this is underlined so strongly by the loving actions of the Boston convent.
Quote:
They place themselves at the centre of the world and pray for its wounded, its broken, its needy.
That is both moving and challenging, and how strongly Hilda will respond to it.
I think it was probably a typo when Lesley said that 'Hilda's influence is spreading far and wise' - but how very, very true!

#127:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 6:37 pm
    —
Hmmmm, Freudian slip? Wink

#128:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:01 pm
    —
Tara wrote:
It's the vulnerability of someone who has the strength to open themselves to the pain of others and absorb it, leaving them cleansed and ready to heal. It is the vulnerability of someone who can empathise with the varied feelings of those for whom she is responsible.

And MA agrees with you, Tara, if you read on... Laughing


Hilda placed the receiver down and stared at it blankly – almost as though she has no idea what it is, thought Mother Abbess anxiously. Allowing herself at last the freedom of approaching Hilda, she placed an arm round the slim shoulders. But before she could speak, Hilda turned and buried her face in the folds of the grey habit. The nun held the still figure closer and waited patiently.

“Like John, I can’t believe how much you are doing.” came a muffled voice. “But – supposing this had happened before I knew you. Where would have been the help?”

“From you, of course, love,” said the nun matter-of-factly. “Judging by your words just now, and your face, it was obvious it was your actions yesterday that did the most good. We are only the icing on your cake. Yours was the first outpouring of compassion and caring.” She paused but Hilda made no reply. “And if there had been no *us* - well, it would mean that Nell would still have been there to help you support them.”

“It wouldn’t have been enough,” whispered Hilda. “Not nearly enough.”

The nun’s voice was very soft as she replied, “Between you, you had enough love and courage for anything. It would have been enough, and more than enough. Believe me, daughter.” She took a deep breath, suddenly divining where the problem was. “Nell’s got hold of you, hasn’t she? That’s why you’ve been so tired and distant today.”

Hilda turned her head and leaned it tiredly against the nun, staring into nothing, and the latter saw the tracks made by silent tears. “Nell was there instantly yesterday – the moment I heard the news” she murmured. “Her memory was preventing me concentrating on Tessa. And then - I had a dream, a terrible dream, early this morning. Her death was all mixed up with Tessa’s accident and the flowers and….”

She stopped and swallowed, unable to continue. “And you’re right back in the lonely heart of your grief,” stated Mother Abbess quietly.

“Will it always be like this?” wondered Hilda softly, a catch in her voice as she rubbed the tears away with an unsteady hand. “Caught unawares, when I least expect it? Will I go on betraying myself at the wrong moment?”

“Now you’ve given in to it, I’m afraid so, child, for many years to come,” answered Mother Abbess tenderly, “A remembered word, a snatch of music, a photograph, someone else’s pain, as now – one just never knows. And you will have no control over it. We all grieve differently, but we all get caught unawares.”

Hilda raised her head. “But I had control before, when James died, and before that with my mother. I felt no need to cry like this, to cling to them like this. It would have done no good.”

“But burying your feelings did no good either, did it?” Mother Abbess ached for Hilda as she held her close. “You taught yourself never to cry, you built walls round yourself, brick by painful brick – and hid inside where no one could awake the pain, never showed your emotions to anyone except Nell. And then you lost Nell – and built more walls, repulsing everyone. You were dying inside."

She felt Hilda tremble and held her closer still. "Nell reversed that with her letter – and I finished the job. We smashed those walls, and all your grief poured out between the cracks like the waters in a broken dam. The self-contained, impassive Hilda Annersley threw teacups at the wall – who would have believed it? She hurled abuse at the loved ones she had lost. She learned to cry.”

She stroked a wan cheek gently with one finger. “You made yourself vulnerable, and so have lost the control you once had. But I suspect that because of that vulnerability, you have more to give Ellie, you can tell her things you couldn’t have done before – things she needs to hear if she is to be healed. For she needs a mother, Hilda, and mothers tell things to their daughters that no one else ever will. Think of the things your mother never had the chance to tell you.”

Hilda stared at her with haunted eyes. “So it was all for Ellie’s sake?” she murmured.

“No, love,” stated the nun with emphasis, “it was for you and your survival. The loss of Nell broke you in ways the others didn’t. It was just too hard to bear. Suddenly you had no one. Fortunately, after that letter of Nell’s, you sought help before it was too late. And I think Nell has been trying to help you ever since. Sometimes she succeeds. But I’m not too sure she’s helping right now. Her presence is too strong, and so your loss returns to torment you.”

She thought for a moment. “There are many needs pulling at you – Tessa, Katy, their parents, Ellie, Mireille, the school – needs that you would have shared with Nell and received help. But she’s not available, or not physically, and you feel unable to do it on your own.”

“How did you know?” whispered Hilda.

“Because I know you, love. And I know – KNOW – that you are wrong. As I’ve just said, what you have already done has been more than enough. You will go on doing more than enough – because that is what you do, every time there is a need. It’s as much a part of you as praying in community is part of what I do. And if you want to talk things through – well, I can’t take Nell’s place, but I can listen, make suggestions.”

Hilda continued to lean against the solid strength of this stalwart woman who remembered her own wild years of grief. The clock ticked in its corner, the fire hissed in the hearth, footfalls echoed upstairs and Hilda sighed gently.

“I think I might take you up on it. Perhaps talking it through with you will bring up some of Nell’s wisdom and insights. It might also chase away the blues.”

Mother Abbess removed her arm and knelt beside Hilda, cupping her white face gently. “Sweetheart, don’t be ashamed of the tears, the emptiness. It’s been a stressful twenty-four hours and you have poured yourself out for everyone….. You needed someone to hold you while you were doing all that. You needed Nell. No one else would do, would they? Acknowledge that and just go with the flow when she has hold of you. Grief creates havoc inside, love – it controls you, believe me, not the other way round.”

Hilda leaned her forehead against her friend’s and closed her eyes wearily. The sweet voice spoke very gently. “We’ll talk – but later. You’re worn out. I want you to lie down for a while here and rest. You fell asleep in chapel this morning, remember. I can sit here and do my work now - and be available for you later on instead. And you don’t need to worry about Ellie for the moment, do you?”

Hilda needed little persuasion and was soon settled on the couch, a blanket wrapped securely round her, a friend there to cherish her and stroke her forehead. She smiled sleepily, her eyes closing of their own accord. Mother Abbess sat back on her heels and regarded the wan face sadly. Her lips moved in silent prayer:

Let the belovèd of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.

#129:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:22 pm
    —
Quote:
“Will it always be like this?” wondered Hilda softly, a catch in her voice as she rubbed the tears away with an unsteady hand. “Caught unawares, when I least expect it?

Grief creates havoc inside, love – it controls you, believe me, not the other way round.”


In a piece so full of truisms, these two paragraphs really cut to the chase. Of course Hilda's grief for Nell will catch her unawares at times of great stress, and at other times, too, as MA points out - the littlest things will trigger memories and bring back those feelings of loss. But at least Hilda now recognises it and will seek help, rather than bottling up her feelings and ignoring them, which is what she did until that letter from Nell arrived. And of course, in other times, she would have had Nell's help in dealing with this present crisis. At the same time it is very interesting to see that despite her grief for that loss, which still overwhelms her, she genuinely feels that everything which is currently being done for Tessa and her family could not have happened without the help and support of the nuns, both in England and in Boston.

I'm looking forward to reading the conversation between Hilda and MA in due course - but now, I agree wholeheartedly with MA's dictum that she must rest - for the time being, no-one needs a 'part' of her.

Thank you Mary.

#130:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:43 pm
    —
Isn't it interesting what leaps out to each of us? For me, this was one of the things that resonated:
Quote:
You made yourself vulnerable, and so have lost the control you once had.


And it had to happen for Hilda was dying inside those walls she had built, cut off from everyone around her - but the result is, given human nature, incredibly complex. As she correctly sees, there are and will be instances now when her grief will overwhelm her, (and I rather suspect this is not solely grief for Nell, but grief for all she has lost over the years) and this is something she will have to learn to live with, but then had she not given way to it, she would have lost Nell completely. And Nell being who she is, then her presence can be problematic as well.

And Hilda needs to be reminded of the effects of grief:
Quote:
Sweetheart, don’t be ashamed of the tears, the emptiness. . . .
You needed Nell. No one else would do, would they? Acknowledge that and just go with the flow when she has hold of you. Grief creates havoc inside, love – it controls you, believe me, not the other way round.

Yes Hilda has been able to help, and has given all that she could. She has been upheld by the presence and actions of this community - but expressing the love aand compassion has cost her very dearly as MA has shown her. So it's a good thing that she is able to sleep now.

Thank you Mary.


Edited because I am a halfwit who forgot how to make the darn thing quote.....joins Tara in muttering....


Last edited by Cath V-P on Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

#131:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:49 pm
    —
I don't think I have many words - only tears....

There is so much to learning about grief and grieving from this one post alone. And yet, despite the sadness, it is a most beautiful scene: MA cares so much for Hilda, and Hilda finds such solace in her love, even in the midst of her misery.

Quote:
“Sweetheart, don’t be ashamed of the tears, the emptiness. ... Grief creates havoc inside, love – it controls you, believe me, not the other way round.”

So powerful - and so true.

Quote:
The clock ticked in its corner, the fire hissed in the hearth, footfalls echoed upstairs and Hilda sighed gently.

You can almost feel the silence here, punctuated by those things which only serve to make it heavier.

Another wonderful piece.
Merci, cherie.

Edited because I am a halfwit who can't spell... Rolling Eyes


Last edited by Katya on Fri Nov 03, 2006 12:42 pm; edited 1 time in total

#132:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:56 pm
    —
Oh Mary - My mind is a blank yet again as I start to look at how on earth I can respond to this. It is so exquisite, such a work of beautiful craftmanship. It all flows one from another. This scene fits seamlessly in with the last one. The very words Hilda needed to hear, from just the right person. No other words, spoken by any other would have done.

I so hope, that by letting MA in, Hilda is then able to let in Vivien, and her other staff members, to bounce those ideas off of them. Yes, her mother is the person to start doing it with, but if she can fully take this step, it will say so much for her to move forwards - she could not have done this before meeting MA.

I'm sure that I could just about write an essay on this, if I was awake enough to read it through, and consider each thing you have written properly.

And I just loved the way you have ended this piece. Perhaps I should take that on as a motto for life!

Thank you Mary.

#133:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 12:01 am
    —
Lovely portrayal of the monastic ideal earlier -- and now at the more personal level, as Mother Abbess helps to strengthen -- or help Hilda discover the strength in -- Hilda.

#134:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 12:52 am
    —
So much has happened at the convent that it's hard to remember how recent Hilda's loss still is. She hasn't even got through the first year yet, no wonder she is 'right back in the lonely heart of [her] grief'.

To have to deal with all these problems and all these needy people on her own, without Nell's love, advice and support, is barely possible for her. With Nell, she was invincible:
Quote:
Between you, you had enough love and courage for anything.

But to do it alone ... Of course, she's not alone, MA is there with help and advice, always pointing her back to her own capabilities and calling, giving the support which makes it possible for her to stand on her own:
Quote:
You will go on doing more than enough – because that is what you do, every time there is a need


That final quote was beautiful; Hilda can really rest in that thought.

#135:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:33 am
    —
Thank you Mary.
So sad, but beautiful!

#136:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:12 pm
    —
Mary,

As you know I've been reading this whole epic over the weekend and I have to say once I started I could hardly bear to stop long enough to do such essential things as make dinner, etc. Your writing is so beautiful and the charaterisation and strength of your characters powerful and strong. Ellie and Vivien are both brilliant and sent to Hilda for a reason it seems. A glorious sense of peace fills the whole story and has included me.

Changing the subject slightly - out of interest I checked the word count of the word doc you sent me - 280,000 words to date. And not one bad one among them.

~Emma

#137:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:41 pm
    —
Thank you so much for all your kind words. And, wheelchairprincess, I hadn't realised I had written quite so many words. Hmmm!Rolling Eyes

“Oh, Nell, why didn’t I think of that? If you’re sure you don’t mind, dear heart….”

Mother Abbess, who was writing at her desk, raised her head alertly as the softly-spoken words trickled into the silence of the room. Now that darkness had fallen, the only light came from the reading lamp on the desk and from the glowing embers in the hearth. Hilda had been asleep nearly two hours. Was she now awake? Did those words mean that Nell had come through for her?

Hearing nothing more, she rose quietly and tip-toed across the room, leaning over the back of the couch. Hilda’s eyes were still closed but there was the faintest of smiles on her lips. So – a pleasant sleep, not more nightmares, thank God. Even as she watched, the eyelids lifted and Hilda looked straight up into her friend’s face. For a moment their gaze locked, a silent exchange of love more telling than any words.

“Thank you,” whispered Hilda at last. “I didn’t realise just how much I needed to rest.”

“Hmmmm! It’s about time you learned your own limitations, you know,” said the nun, somewhat astringently. “Has it straightened out any of the confusion?” She reached over to smooth back some stray wisps of hair with a loving hand.

“I think so. Nell has given me a way to help Ellie, at least.” Hilda struggled to sit up. “But it means doing something I would rather not have faced just yet. It means returning to the cellar.”

Mother Abbess moved round and knelt by Hilda, pressing her back down. “Sweetheart, you’re as white as a sheet. You still need to rest. Can’t this wait?”

Hilda lay back down submissively but shook her head. “Ellie needs reassurance right now. She doesn’t trust my love completely, despite all my fine words. Why should she? For what are words, after all? Just so much fairy dust, blowing in the wind. She needs something concrete, and Nell has given me that.”

“Your words are never fairy dust, child. You breathe truth every time you open your mouth, and Ellie will learn very swiftly what trust there is to be found in you. Can you tell me what you plan to do?”

Hilda outlined briefly what her sleep had brought her, and Mother Abbess nodded, keeping her doubts to herself. It would bolster Ellie – but what would it do to Hilda?

“You don’t need to do it right now, love. Remember Vivien has taken Ellie out – and she did say they would be back late, for she intended to treat her to a meal after the cinema.”

“I’m so glad she has Vivien as well,” said Hilda softly, “someone younger, someone with so many gifts to help a young girl. She’s another Christmas miracle.”

“But you were the why of it, sweetheart. Without you, there would have been no Vivien for her.” She searched Hilda’s shadowed face. “You’re still struggling, aren’t you, despite Nell’s help?”

The sadness in the blue-grey eyes betrayed the persistent ache in the heart. “I go to the chapel and it seems as though God is listening, my soul is eased and I find a measure of peace. But then I leave there and try to sort out the problems. I ask Him to help and – oh, CS Lewis can express it so much better than I can. Often, when I pray, I wonder if I’m not posting letters to a non-existent address.”

A look of shame and guilt flickered across her face, but Mother Abbess was quick to reassure.

“Even religious feel like that a lot of the time, daughter, as you will find out. And your present need of Nell is not helping at all. I’ll give you another quotation. There are times when God asks nothing of His children except silence, patience and tears. You have so much patience, child. This too will pass. It’s just that God has His own timetable – and it’s not the same one we’re using.”

“But I don’t seem able to do anything efficiently at the moment. I feel scared to trust my own decisions, scared to face what hurts. The tears well up for no reason, I need Nell….”

Mother Abbess's voice was very firm as she replied. “Hilda, the woman I heard on the phone yesterday, and again today, has no need to fear anything. I was so proud of you.”

Hilda stared at her in bewilderment. “But that’s my job. It’s what I do.”

“And do magnificently,” stated Mother Abbess firmly. “You think of every little detail, see every little problem. Look at all you did for that family yesterday. Listen to what Tessa’s father said today about the effects of your actions. And you let him talk himself out, gave him some release, even though it brought you close to tears,” she added, smiling at Hilda tenderly. “Think of what you did for Mireille – in the end, you convinced her she could take her friend’s place.”

“Her parents…” began Hilda.

The nun interrupted her ruthlessly. “You, and you only. You’ve talked to her several times, which helped convince her, but then the coup de grâce, to tell her parents to spoil her. Sheer genius, love! I would have walked on hot coals for a Headmistress who would say such things and mean them.”

She laughed. “You know, I think you could persuade absolutely anyone to do absolutely anything, child. Anything at all! Thank God you’re a good person. Otherwise you’d be the master criminal of the age. A Napoleon of crime! A female Moriarty….”

Hilda looked at her askance, jaw dropping, eyes wide with shock. For a moment at least she had been shaken out of her introspection.

“And you have more magic in your little finger than Vivien with all her tricks. You know, given all that I know about her, I’m willing to bet Nell Wilson used you and your subtle influence on people for her own nefarious ends on occasions.” Mother Abbess’s face was alight with mischief as she spoke.

“Like getting her out of hot water of her own making, you mean?” sighed Hilda, her eyes tenderly reminiscent.

“Oh, I’m sure there’s much more you’re not telling me!” joked the nun. “And I wonder did she ever dare play poker with you?” Hilda stared at her impassively and Mother Abbess wagged her finger at her roguishly before continuing more soberly....

#138:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:07 pm
    —
Hmmm can you imagine MA and/or Hilda playing Poker?! Now those are two people I'd like to play poker with or at least meet and talk to. And I am very much intrigued by what MA was about to say and what Hilda needs from the cellar.

#139:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:21 pm
    —
Hilda playing poker? No one would know when she was bluffing! Laughing


Lovely Mary - though am concerned about seeing Hilda laying down submissively - that's not Hilda - she's still not herself, is she? And all this self-doubt. Crying or Very sad


Thank you.

#140:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:42 pm
    —
Oh Hilda - even that wonderfully helpful dream has hurt her deeply. Her emotions are so close to the surface here - in some ways it is the calm after the storm - and already she is pushing herself to something more.

Thank God for MA, who can shield her, and be firm with her, telling her when she *needs* to take breaks. Hilda needs to remember that as well as leader she is also human, and she needs to be human with people. And yet, it's simply Hilda - and right now MA and possibly Vivien are the only people she can really be that with. For the rest, she is merely doing her job, and doing it wonderfully well.

MA was so wise in her choice of what to remind Hilda of, how to bless her, and afirm her.

Thank you Mary - I'm just waiting here to find out what MA has to say, and see what Hilda is going to give to Ellie...

#141:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 10:23 pm
    —
Hilda really does need MA so much at present, doesn't she - to insist that she rest, to bolster her confidence in what she is doing, and to reassure her at all times that she's doing the right thing. Clearly, she understands instinctively that while such lack of confidence is usually foreign to Hilda, it is also a part of her grieving process - losing Nell was like having the carpet pulled out from under her.

It's interesting to see how Hilda insists that it is Nell who is telling her what to give Elie to reassure her, too, even though to get it means going back into that cellar again.

As for the idea of playing poker with Hilda, Nell, MA or any permutation from those three, the mind boggles - we'd definitely never know who was bluffing!!

Looking forward to seeing what MA has to say next, and also to knowing what this special gift for Ellie is.

Thanks, Mary

#142:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:00 pm
    —
Yes, it is strange and a little sad to see Hilda doubting herself like that, especially in the area where she was most triumphantly her own self, her job. And similarly, it is sad to hear her refer to the 'fairy dust' of words, when it is communication that is so important to her..... But the confidence will return - MA will take steps to see that it is does - and in the meantime, the assurance that she gives Hilda builds the trust between them.

Loved the comments about Hilda as a poker player and master criminal...in another context, Lady Macbeth would have had nothing on her. More seriously though, it is a reflection of the tremendous influence that she does have; as MA says:
Quote:
I think you could persuade absolutely anyone to do absolutely anything, child. Anything at all!


I loved the quotation with which MA answered Hilda
Quote:
There are times when God asks nothing of His children except silence, patience and tears.
And they can be the hardest things to give, as Hilda and MA have found.

The gift....hmmmm.

#143:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:48 pm
    —
Thank you to Cath and Lesley for letting me borrow....

.....“Oh, I’m sure there’s much more you’re not telling me!” joked the nun. “And I wonder did she ever dare to play poker with you?” Hilda stared at her impassively and Mother Abbess wagged her finger at her roguishly before continuing more soberly, “I have watched you and listened to you as you interact with people, and I can say, hand on heart, that I have never met anyone like you.”

“Look in the mirror,” replied Hilda softly.

“Futile,” retorted Mother Abbess. “You’re unique. Oh, I know, I know, daughter – we’re all unique. But you’re more unique than most.”

Hilda shook her head. “No,” she whispered. “There was another. Nell was my equal – more than my equal.”

“That’s not what your friends say,” said Mother Abbess smoothly. “Jack Maynard, Nancy, Gwynneth, Lady Russell – they all disagree with you.”

Hilda stared at her, shocked, upset. “Madge?” she whispered. “How did….?”

“Remember you have to give references to enter. Not that we needed them, as we all knew and loved you by then. But the formalities had to be gone through, and Lady Russell was one of your referees. She stated quite categorically that the school would not have been what it is without you at the helm.”

“And Nell,” asserted Hilda firmly.

“Without you – you led, she followed. You were the lynchpin, you were the inspiration. You may have been equal in spirit, and yes, you needed her to uphold you. But as a Head you were in a different league – and as a person, as well. Nell didn’t have your exquisite tact and sympathy, your willingness to go that extra mile, your ability to read people’s hearts and minds, your compassion.”

“My softness, you mean, of which Nell was always complaining,” whispered Hilda, not liking what she was hearing.

“You? Soft?” cried Mother Abbess scornfully. “Child, your backbone is pure steel. I watched you face down Sister Catherine – the first person I have ever seen do that, let me tell you – and yet you never once raised your voice to her. And you’re not at all frightened to say exactly what you think, in order to bring someone to a sense of their own iniquities. I suspect Nell could also do that, but I bet she didn’t also heal and forgive as you do.” She paused and then probed, “Was it only when you went against her own ideas or opinions that she called you soft, I wonder?”

She gave Hilda a moment or two to reflect, before asking very, very softly, “Who rescued Nell from herself at the beginning of the war? Who pulled the fangs of her horrific experience at the hands of the Nazis?”

Hilda’s face drained of what little colour it had. She stared at her friend, eyes distended. “How could you know about that?” she whispered. “That was sacred to the two of us. No one else….”

“Gwynneth also knew,” Mother Abbess reminded her gently. Hilda swallowed. Why would Gwynneth reveal such things? They were not hers to reveal, after all, even if she had been a tower of strength at that time. The nun read her mind. “She told me when you were in the San, child. I also know about your bravery during those last days at the school in Austria, about the deadly threats of that same Nazi Lieutenant who was to play such a brutal part in Nell’s life.”

A flame of pure anger shot through Hilda. Feeling thoroughly betrayed, she sat up and moved to throw the blanket off her legs, her hands shaking with the intensity of her feelings. She would not stay here and listen to this, no matter how much she loved this woman. She was not sure she could forgive her or Gwynneth for this. But even as she removed the blanket, a hand shot out to hold her still. Another hand came out to tilt her head so she had to look into Mother Abbess’s eyes.

The nun’s heart smote her as she saw the gallant effort Hilda made to control the shaking. The blue-grey eyes were filled simultaneously with smouldering fury and lacerating pain, which she refused to hide. The steel was there for all to see!

Mother Abbess was strong and Hilda knew it would be useless to attempt to free herself. She willed herself to stay still and quiet, and the two women traded look for look in a silence charged with emotion. The nun shattered that silence with another quiet thunderbolt.

“Gwynneth doesn’t know it all, does she? Given what this particular Nazi was like, I suspect there were threats against you personally as well, not just against the children. Something to make the bravest of women shake in her shoes….”

Hilda’s gaze never faltered, the anger continued to smoulder, but the pain – ah, the pain deepened and widened.

“So I was right,” whispered the nun, chills running up and down her spine. “And you’ve told no one, ever, have you? My God, how do you do it, child? I hope one day you’ll trust me enough to let it out.”

“Even Nell never knew any of it. I didn’t want her to feel beholden for what we did to buy them time and keep them safe.” The words were a mere breath of a whisper, swallowed up by the silence.

“For what you did, love. It was your courage that kept everyone safe,” responded Mother Abbess. Her hand released Hilda’s chin and moved to stroke her cheek instead. “And, daughter – you may have been silent, but Nell knows it all now. She knows every act of love. No wonder she watches over you.”

A solitary tear rolled down Hilda’s cheek, to be followed a moment later by another, glistening in the firelight. They were not good memories. She had felt so unequal to the tasks she had been given. She remembered that sense of utter helplessness – and loneliness.

Mother Abbess caught the tears with her finger and waited. She knew she had been brutal, but how else did one get through to Hilda? She watched as slowly, oh so slowly, all anger receded from the damp eyes, leaving only the pain stark and clear. Hilda gripped the hand holding hers.

“Why would Gwynneth….?” She shook her head, unable to finish the sentence without breaking down.

“She loves you so much, Hilda, and she wanted me to know just what we would be getting when you entered – and what they would be losing. She didn’t think such actions should ever be forgotten. And they won’t, I can assure you. I shall respect your desire for privacy but, somewhere safe, it has already been noted. The echoes of your bravery and love will roll on into the future, an example for others to follow.”

“Promise you won’t tell Ellie,” pleaded Hilda.

Mother Abbess stroked the white cheek again and her voice was very sweet as she spoke. “I can’t make that promise, love. If your relationship continues to grow, then one day those actions of yours might be just the thing she needs to hear. Just as your school needed to hear how brave you were here. You deserved that medal they gave you. And as for my words – they are even truer than I realised at the time, aren’t they? You have indeed a rare and beautiful soul.”

Another tear slowly made its way down Hilda’s white cheek and Mother Abbess gently drew her into her arms and cradled her close. Hilda buried her face in the grey habit once more, unable to bear the blaze of love in those devastating green eyes.

A tender voice was heard in the stillness of the fire-lit room. “Don’t ever doubt your ability to do your job, my daughter. Don’t ever doubt your many gifts, or the love you give to all. And, whatever else you do, don’t ever doubt what you are. Nell and I won’t allow it.”

#144:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:00 pm
    —
Oh Mary - where on earth did you get such tallent at putting your readers through such an emotional wringer? I honestly don't think I have the capacity to feel all that is expressed here - and that's just reading about it. Goodness knows how Hilda felt, experiencing it!

What words can describe this? Hilda always trying to play down her worth, and MA's almost ruthless knocking down of this barrier. Souls are to be beared, more barriers toppled over, more emotions healed.

I love the way you have woven in events recorded elsewhere so beautifully, to form a more complete picture. How shocked Hilda must have felt when MA managed to come right back at her with examples of who she was from the past. If Hilda was under any misconceptions about her worth, they have been well and truely squashed now.

And the innermost secrets of Hilda's heart lye open to the sun in the midst of the nun's probing - gentle now, but with such information that Hilda can't help but reeling from the shock of it. Boy, that anger - I bet she wasn't expecting that - betrayal is a nasty thing, and yet, this time it was right and proper. I wonder exactly how Hilda's deeds have been recorded.

Oh Mary, I'm barely scratching the surface of all that there is here - an essay's worth to be sure, but one I could never do justice to.

Thank you Mary - though it might not seem it, I feel lost for words.

#145:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:27 pm
    —
Thank you Mary - sublime.

#146:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:57 pm
    —
Oh my goodness - nothing, absolutely nothing, is sacred here, is it? Not only has MA been told so much about Hilda's past but she also knows Hilda well enough that she can deduce that there are other things which have happened which Hilda has never yet told anyone about. While Hilda is half inclined to be annoyed at what she perceives as betrayal of confidences, it is clear that the other half of her is relieved that MA *does* know about them.

It will be interesting to see if she eventually does tell MA more about her 'experiences' with the Lieutenant in those closing days in Austria.

MA's reassurance is exactly what Hilda needs at this minute, even though MA has had to break through barriers first, in order to be able to make her point.

Intriguing, spellbinding - and a real emotional roller coaster for the readers, as well as for Hilda herself. Thank you, Mary

#147:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:40 pm
    —
Elder in Ontario wrote:


It will be interesting to see if she eventually does tell MA more about her 'experiences' with the Lieutenant in those closing days in Austria.



I agree with Elder but I'm also now wibbling in a serious way about what her experiences actually were. And remembering a specific line from Cath's story...

Mary this is exquiste but you need to put us out of our misery soon and let us know how "our" Hilda is. And bless MA for being there and knowing too.

#148:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 11:06 pm
    —
Goodness, MA didn't hesitate there did she to get through to Hilda? And she took a tremendous risk in saying all that she did - Hilda might easily turn away from her in shock, both at what she says and what others have said. But Gwynneth is right in saying that such actions should never be forgotten - and now they never will be. And the final comment coming after the mention of Hilda's "rare and beautiful soul" really says it all:
Quote:
Don’t ever doubt your ability to do your job, my daughter. Don’t ever doubt your many gifts, or the love you give to all. And, whatever else you do, don’t ever doubt what you are. Nell and I won’t allow it.


And Nell has told me that she concurs completely with what MA said...both here and earlier! Wink

Thank you Mary

#149:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 12:51 pm
    —
Mary,
Shocked

There is so very much more to Hilda than meets the eye, and MA knows this because she is just the same in her own inimitable way.
I imagine Hilda may well have something to say to Madge and Gwynneth over their comments to MA about her ? She is so self-deprecatory!

Wonderful, gripping, but so sad too.........

Edited to amend mistake made due to insufficient caffeine !!!!

#150:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 8:44 pm
    —
For those who are a little bewildered by the last episode, Nell's experience at the hands of the Nazis was in Cath V-P's drabble *The Return*, while what happened to Hilda on the last day in Austria is to be found in Lesley's book *Headmistress*, so I can't spell out the details. That would spoil it for those who have not yet read it.

I have to admit, I was very scared to post that piece, in case I upset any Nell fans. But MA got in on the act and it felt like she was insisting I bare my own soul as well as Hilda's. Embarassed


.....A tender voice was heard in the stillness of the fire-lit room. “Don’t ever doubt your ability to do your job, my daughter. Don’t ever doubt your many gifts, or the love you give to all. And, whatever else you do, don’t ever doubt what you are. Nell and I won’t allow it.”

Knowing what a storm of memories and grief she had aroused in Hilda’s heart, Mother Abbess held her close a long time, praying that her friend would, in the long run, be helped by the words, even if she was hurting now. For loss and loneliness were doing such damage. And who else was there to tell her the truth about her strengths and weaknesses, now Nell was gone? Who else would she listen to – and believe?

Hilda herself could never afterwards have explained her heart and mind at that moment. She was still reeling from the shock and she felt raw and bleeding, tentacles of cold reaching for her heart. Paradoxically, comfort could only come from the one who had administered the blow. And sure enough, as the strong arms continued to hold her, warmth seeped slowly back in, melting the icy tentacles before they did untold damage. Mother was right. Nell now knew all. And she wondered why she had ever felt the need to hide it from her.

Feeling the rigid body in her arms beginning to relax, Mother Abbess whispered in her ear, “You’ll be okay now, I promise. I’m going to let you go so I can order us some food and a hot drink – or maybe some wine – or both.”

Hilda clung a moment longer then turned up her face and gave her friend a poignant smile. Mother Abbess stroked the brown hair gently, then rose stiffly to her feet, crossed to the desk and spoke softly into the phone. Replacing the receiver, she drew the heavy curtains over the windows, switched on a second lamp and bent to replenish the fire. Turning, she found Hilda pinning her hair back neatly in place and looking more composed, though she was still very white and heavy-eyed.

The nun tidied away the blanket and settled herself next to Hilda again, who turned to her and eyed her impassively, her voice that dangerous purr. “Since you and Gwynneth seem to find me such a fascinating topic of conversation, when you next talk you’d better warn her to beware when she sees me again. After all, my job description allows me to punish staff as well as girls.”

“Would you dare?” joked Mother Abbess, breathing a sigh of relief. Hilda was returning from the abyss.

“Let me put it like this – you’ve just told me I’m brave enough for anything,” retorted Hilda dryly. “Would Gwynneth not come under the category of anything?”

“Indubitably, given she is twin to Pauline! But do be gentle, for I so hate the sight of blood.”

“Oh, Nell taught me to hurt without leaving a mark anywhere visible.” Hilda’s voice was bland as she spoke, her eyes holding the tiniest suspicion of a twinkle.

“Ouch!” muttered the nun. “Care to tell? It could come in very useful.”

“Nope!” vouchsafed Hilda. “I intend to keep some of my secrets as long as I can. And I’m certainly not giving you any ammunition you could use against me later on.”

They smiled at each other with complete understanding, but then Hilda’s face fell abruptly and she shivered. Mother Abbess put out a hand and Hilda gripped it hard.

“The cellar?” asked the nun gently. Hilda nodded grimly, but the nun patted the hand holding hers. “Later, love, later. I’ve got something to discuss with you first, while we eat. You can go afterwards. Would you like some company? To catch you if you fall apart?”

Remembering how she had hugged a carton to her on the night she arrived, at the start of the holiday, Hilda shook her head. She still felt unable to share some of the pain. It would be far too revealing.

She was not to know it, but Mother Abbess read her thoughts very accurately and reflected that maybe she could do away with some of the pain with the shock she was about to administer. Though she did pause to wonder if Hilda could bear much more this day? She had been up since long before dawn, having had a nasty dream; she had slept in the chapel, tried to sort out school problems and talked to Mireille and John Lewis; and she had just been assaulted by Mother Abbess herself. Did the woman have any strength left?

When their meal arrived, and they were settled comfortably with trays on their knees, Mother Abbess let the silence stretch out peacefully for a short while, watching unobtrusively to make sure Hilda did actually eat and drink something, but finally she looked across and took a deep breath.

“You’re going to London tomorrow.” It was not a question.

Hilda nodded as she sipped her wine. “I need to set up this trust for you. And it really is about time Ellie had her uniform and other school paraphernalia. A trunk takes a while to arrive. I daren’t leave it any longer.”

“I take it Vivien will be entertaining Ellie while you visit your solicitor?”

“Mmmm! And you are still going to allow us to take Sister Patricia with us, aren’t you?” asked Hilda, with sudden concern.

“Of course, love. Don’t worry about that. It will be good for her, take her mind off her worries. She feels she hasn’t done nearly enough for Ellie.” She eyed Hilda as she said that, knowing there would be an explosion. She was not wrong!

“Not done enough?” cried Hilda in disbelief. “When she was going to give up her life here and try and make a home for her!”

“Yes, you and she make a good pair, don’t you?” said Mother Abbess dryly. “Both wanting to sacrifice yourselves. We can do without martyrs in this convent, thank you very much.” Hilda’s lips twitched. “As I said, it will do her good. But that’s not now the main reason she’s going. You and she have something to do together. After you have been to your solicitor and the bank, Patricia is going to take you off to our own solicitor.”

Hilda’s fork stopped halfway to her mouth. She gaped at her friend. “Why on earth…?”

Mother Abbess suddenly found she was too nervous to eat. She laid down her knife and fork, placed her tray on the floor at her feet and leaned forward in her chair, her hands clasped tightly together. Hilda frowned at this unusual behaviour.

“Sister Patricia came to me yesterday morning, before we heard about Tessa, with a proposition for you. But of course we have all been praying very hard since then and your mind has been totally focused on the girls – or on Nell – and we didn’t want to burden you further? I don’t really want to now, either, not after what I have just done to you, but as you’re going to London tomorrow I need to….”

“Mother, you’re rambling. That’s not like you. What is it you want to ask me?”

Pulled up short by Hilda’s coolness, Mother Abbess’s next words came out in a rush....


Last edited by MaryR on Thu Nov 09, 2006 9:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

#151:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 8:50 pm
    —
Mary, will you please forget the lessons you've learnt from Lesley! You haven't finished this post yet.

#152:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 8:57 pm
    —
Well well well, we shall see what MA has to say another time. Poor Hilda is being pulled round the houses here, and yet she needed it. MA is right, she hasn't had time to tell Hilda anything, but already she has been rocketed out of her melancholy - though I doubt it is far away.

MA is so right also in her treatment of Hilda - yes it hurts now, and yes, I can imagine that it must be so difficult for both of them, but sometimes a wound will become worse if something is not done - antiseptic stings, but stops a wound from festering.

Thank you Mary - I am awaiting your next post to see what is in store for everyone - I just wish that Hilda had felt ready to share her grief with MA a bit further, and accept her help on that trip to the cellars.

#153:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:42 pm
    —
Pat wrote:
Mary, will you please forget the lessons you've learnt from Lesley! You haven't finished this post yet.


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Don't know what you mean Pat! Wink


Lovely episode Mary - and, like everyone else, realyy want to know MA's plans - though I do have an inkling......


Thank you.

#154:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 10:45 pm
    —
What on earth could make M.A. beat around the bush this way, when she's managed such intensely emotional scenes so forthrightly?

*not sure whether to worry or suppress giggles*

Not that Hilda won't more than cope with whatever's next....

#155:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 10:53 pm
    —
MA was right of course, as without Nell, who else does Hilda have to tell her about herself? And then there's that paradox, that MA shocked and hurt her, but is also the only person to comfort her - as Hilda comes to understand:
Quote:
Paradoxically, comfort could only come from the one who had administered the blow.

As it does - and with it comes the even more comforting knowledge that Nell really does know Hilda now.

And MA has a very clear idea of just how much Hilda is dreading going down into that cellar, and being MA moves to administer comfort - although I am wondering just what she intends to say next. And I rather suspect that Gwynneth had better watch her back!

Thank you Mary, for posting these two pieces.

#156:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 11:40 pm
    —
Without Nell indeed, who does Hilda now have to tell her about herself? And yet MA manages to convince her that even though she is no longer 'here' Nell still knows all that goes on in Hilda's life. And indeed MA herself is now the person to comfort Hilda, even though she has also hurt her - a paradox indeed, Cath.

I foresee a very interesting day in London for all concerned - and I do wonder what MA wants to tell Hilda - it's extremely unusual for her to be so hesitant in her approach to a topic.

Looking forward to the next piece Mary, please!

#157:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:03 pm
    —
.......“Mother, you’re rambling. That’s not like you. What is it you want to ask me?”

Pulled up short by Hilda’s coolness, Mother Abbess’s next words came out in a rush. “Patricia wants you to become Ellie’s guardian.”

Hilda sat as though turned to stone, her eyes blank with astonishment. She must have misheard, she thought. She laid down her own knife and fork, cleared her throat. "Mother.....perhaps you could repeat..."

Mother Abbess saw her difficulty and smiled. "Sister Patricia would like you to become Ellie's guardian."

“But – Sister Patricia is her guardian. I don’t understand.”

Seeing Hilda had nearly finished her own meal, Mother Abbess moved across, removed that tray as well, and settled herself by Hilda. She took her hand and looked into the bewildered eyes.

“I’m sorry, love. I’m not doing this very well, am I? I should be ashamed,” she said wryly. “Patricia feels you can do more for the girl, have already done more for the girl, than she ever can. And of course she’s right in one way. But she also feels that you might need the guardianship if decisions needed to be made quickly, if Ellie has an accident, for example. As her guardian, you wouldn’t need to wait to get Patricia’s permission for an operation or whatever.”

“But as her Headmistress I can give that permission anyway,” responded Hilda, a look of dismay on her face. “I don’t need to usurp – “

Mother Abbess held up her hand. “Wait, sweetheart! You wouldn’t be usurping anything. Patricia feels very strongly about this. And admit it, love, there would be times when it would be easier if you were her guardian.” Hilda nodded, but still looked upset. “And it would give Ellie a sense of belonging. Her aunt is her aunt. That can’t be taken away. But if you became her guardian there would be someone else to whom she felt she mattered, another who would be seen to be responsible for her. And she would not be alone out there in the world. She loves you anyway, but this would make it official.”

“This isn’t Patricia trying to thank me for what I am doing for Ellie, is it?” asked Hilda faintly. Mother Abbess shook her head vigorously.

Hilda turned to stare into the fire, completely overwhelmed. To be responsible for another’s life and welfare, in a far more personal way than just being her Headmistress – it was daunting, unnerving. But was she not already responsible anyway, not only by offering to fund the girl, both now and in the future, but by what she felt for her? She loved Ellie like a daughter already. There was no turning back from that. But to take her away from her aunt – when Ellie was her only living relation! That would be too cruel.

Then, abruptly, she saw the point that Patricia had been trying to make. If Hilda could claim guardianship of Ellie, it would make life at school so much simpler. No one would question her ward’s dependence on her. They could spend time together quite legitimately, if she was seen as being in charge of her. It would explain why she was the one to be consulted if there were problems with Ellie at any time. They would not have to hide their relationship. That side of things had been teasing Hilda’s mind a great deal.

With a swift prayer for guidance, she turned to Mother Abbess, who had been watching her anxiously, for she thought Hilda had enough on her plate right now, without this being added. “Do you think Sister Patricia is available, Mother? Perhaps she should be here to hear what I am about to say.”

Seeing the determination in Hilda’s face, Mother Abbess wasted no words. She simply rose to her feet and went to the phone, putting through a call to the dining room. As they waited, silence was a living, breathing entity in that room, strained and tense. Hilda stared into the fire once more, completely withdrawn, and the nun could only watch her helplessly. For once, she had no idea what was going through Hilda’s mind. All that was left to her was to pray for a good outcome to this.

When Sister Patricia knocked and entered, Hilda rose from the couch to greet her, her face grave, her eyes searching. Mother Abbess sat back quietly and Sister Patricia settled by Hilda and took her hand. “Will you do it?” she asked eagerly.

Hilda’s face was very still. “Have you given this serious thought, Sister?”

“Oh, I can assure you, Hilda, one gives serious consideration to everything in this convent,” replied Patricia, her brown eyes twinkling. “Mother hates half-baked ideas.”

A gleam lit Hilda’s eyes for a moment and was gone. “But she’s your niece. I’ve only known her two weeks. You can’t just hand her over to me like this. What would her father have said?”

Sister Patricia leaned forward and spoke with great intensity. “Hilda, she’s already handed herself over to you like this. She trusts you implicitly, loves you far more than she does me.” Hilda shook her head violently but the nun simply held up her hand and added quietly, “And you love her. Which is more than her father ever did!”

Hilda stared at her and felt tears threatening at such generosity of spirit. The younger woman smiled tenderly. “I can guess at all you said in answer to Mother’s arguments. But you are not usurping anything, you’re not taking anything away from me, I promise – and it would make life easier, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes,” whispered Hilda. She swallowed, cleared her throat and said quietly, brooking no argument, “Very well. I accept – to share the guardianship.”

The two nuns gasped. Mother Abbess opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again. This was nothing to do with her. Sister Patricia simply stared, not understanding. Hilda smiled a little grimly. She had stunned them just as much as they had stunned her.

“I can’t take her away from you, Sister. It would hurt me to do so,” she said very gently. “But if you really want me to do this, and feel it is what Ellie would like – and I need to be very sure of that before I make my final decision – then why can’t we be guardians in tandem? I would be honoured to be one of her guardians, because you’re quite right, I do love her very much. But so do you, therefore all decisions about her welfare must be agreed by you, as well. You are an important part of her life, her only living relation. She needs you.”

The sincerity in Hilda’s lovely voice could not be doubted, so Sister Patricia gave in gracefully, recognising that this formidable woman could never take what she felt was not hers. She leaned forward and kissed the white cheek tenderly.

“Bless you, Hilda,” she whispered. “I should have known better, shouldn’t I? It would be an honour to share this with you.”

Hilda put her arms round Ellie’s aunt and drew her close, unable to find any words. Too much was happening at the moment and her emotions were perilously close to the surface. To speak would be to open the floodgates.

Mother Abbess crossed to the couch, knelt by them and placed her arms round them both, a mother’s embrace pouring benediction on her children. How proud she was of them both. Two generous, unselfish beings who asked for nothing for themselves, simply offered their all to benefit others. God was surely bringing something beautiful and very precious out of the ruins of Ellie’s life.

#158:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:14 pm
    —
Oh Mary, I just love that. It seems to me that Hilda has just adopted Sister Patricia as a real sister. Not that they would not be real sisters when Hilda entered, but as a sister of the heart, one that she would have been a sister to had she not entered.

Then MA joining them, such a wonderfully loving family, the family they are, and are going to be. Hilda will not have to form bonds with so many of her new family, in a sense she is already building the bridges most entrants would have to do only after they had entered the convent.

Anyway, to go back to the start of the piece, I'll bet that Hilda wasn't expecting *that* one. How much she tried to reason both herself and MA out of it. And how right that she should have to talk to Sister Patricia about it, even after accepting that the nun's have the right of it. I half get the feeling that Sister Patricia doesn't realise all that it will mean to Ellie and Hilda to have this link, but I am sure that MA knows all about it. However Patricia *knows* what she feels is best.

And well done Hilda, finding the middle ground, bringing all three of those adults that bit closer as she finds something they can all accept.

Thank you Mary, this last bit was amazing.

#159:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:19 pm
    —
Mary - you do this to me time after time - once again I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes at this. This is so much the right solution, for all the right reasons - and trust Hilda to see that accepting sole guardianship would, indeed usurp the Sister Patricia's prerogative as Ellie's father's sister, however little Sister Patricia might realise it. But a joint guardianship will certainly ease things for Ellie at school and make it possible for Hilda to maintain a closer relationship with her than she would have been able to do were she 'merely' her headmistress.

I loved the way MA, having made the proposal on Sister Patricia's behalf, with all the reasons why Hilda should take it on, then just sat back quietly and let the two of them discuss it between them. And it's also significant that Hilda wants Ellie to agree to her becoming a guardian before she'll agree to it.

But I can also see why Sister Patricia deems it 'an honour' to share the guardianship with Hilda.

A lovely development, so lovingly described - I can just 'see' the scene in your words as it unfolds. Thank you.

#160:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:24 pm
    —
Mary,

With this post you've made me go from the annoyed and irritated I was before I started reading to calm and now to tearful. What beautiful words you write and what a gift you have.

I wonder how Joey will react to Hilda adopting Ellie. Waif's and strays were always her thing after all...

Emma

#161:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:47 pm
    —
That was just so beautifully right! And the balance of the various relationships is beautifully maintained between Hilda and Sr Patricia, thus exhibiting just why it is so apposite. Ellie will be assured of Hilda's love and support in a very tangible way, even while her family ties with her aunt are maintained, and she will be able to maintain some level of closeness with Hilda while she is her headmistress - as Hilda is aware that would otherwise be a problem.

And of course, Hilda could only accept this once she is assures that it really is what Sr Patricia wants - and crucially that it is what Ellie wants. It's a most beautiful acceptance and demonstrates the way in which the relationships between the three will function... I keep coming back to ideas of balance and symmetry.

And as Elder said, the way that MA let them sort it out between them was delightful - and then she blessed what was emerging from that exchange.

Oh yes - loved the comment about MA not allowing 'half-baked ideas"!!

#162:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 2:26 am
    —
Never saw this coming!
But it does solve a lot of potential problems, doesn't it -- not to mention making everyone concerned happier. Smile

#163:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 6:34 pm
    —
Yes, well the fact is, I could say that that was what I thought would happen - or I could say that it was nothing of the sort - however actually I have no idea what I thought!!! Embarassed

My only excuse - as always, is lack of sleep and the M25 - oh and a huge police presence that made a five minute journey on the way home take more than forty-five minutes - maybe it was a security alert - but when you finally get to the front of the queue to find no accident just four police motorbikes and four patrol cars with yellow jacketed police officers standing around doing nothing it is rather annoying! Rolling Eyes


So sorry, Mary - can't remember what I was thinking Wednesday - but this is a lovely gesture by Sister Patricia - and just as lovely a gesture by Hilda.

Thank you

#164:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 10:21 am
    —
Mary, this was delight to read and revel in !

An ideal solution, enhancing everyone`s relationship with everyone else, and detracting nothing......

And I did love the thought of Hilda telling MA she was rambling Laughing

#165:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 9:05 pm
    —
Thank you for the comments, and I am pleased you like the idea of Hilda's guardianship.

Shaken to the core as she was, not only by the offer of guardianship of Ellie, but also by the revelations of her actions in the past which she had thought buried for ever, the visit to the cellar was even more traumatic than Hilda had expected. Resolutely driving back the tears which kept threatening, she opened and searched two cartons before she found what she was looking for. Hastily bundling everything else back in, her hands encountered the hard corner of a book, and peering more closely, she saw one of Nell’s diaries. For a moment, she was tempted – and then knew that if she opened it she would be lost. Too many people needed her at this moment in time and she had to remain strong.

She slammed the lid shut and fled from that cellar as though all the hounds of Hell were snapping at her heels. Reaching the main corridor, she closed and locked the door behind her, then had perforce to lean back against it as her legs began to tremble violently. Tortoise-like, she crept back to her room. It had been the wrong day to attempt such a thing, but sometimes life offers us no choices.

Wiping away the stray tears which insisted on welling up despite herself, she was wrapping the remnants of her Christmas paper round one of the objects from the cellar, when there was a gentle tap at the door. Thinking Ellie must have returned, she laid the package beside the other object on the bed and blew her nose. Opening the door, however, she found Vivien standing there looking exceedingly anxious.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, Hilda,” she said quietly, “only I’m worried about Ellie. She’s…” She stopped as she took in Hilda’s white face and suspiciously red eyes. “I was going to say she’s been very quiet, too quiet, but I can see your day hasn’t been good either. Is there anything I can do?”

Her sympathy was very nearly Hilda’s undoing, but she summoned up that iron self-control which was so much a part of her and shook her head, though her voice wobbled at first as she spoke. “No, I’m fine, Vivien, thank you. But what’s this about Ellie? What happened? I know she loves being with you.”

Vivien sighed. “I don’t know. She was fine till we got to the cinema, but then lost her smile. And in the restaurant afterwards I could hardly get a word out of her. I began to wonder if I had upset her in some way, but on the way back she apologised very prettily and muttered something about families.”

Hilda sighed in her turn. “It’s still the school holidays. All those parents out there with their children, all making merry while they can…. And it’s Christmas, when we all want to be with those we love, even you and I, my dear. She’s been cooped up here over Christmas, hidden away from all that and distracted by presents and school work and parties. She’s going to meet it again tomorrow when we go up to London.”

Vivien nodded sadly. What could they do to make it easier for Ellie? Hilda saw and moved in to reassure, her voice very warm. “Don’t worry about it any more, Vivien. I’ll go to her. You’ve done enough today, taking her out. It was above and beyond the call of duty.”

Vivien smiled and laid a hand on Hilda’s arm. “It was no duty, I promise. Ellie is lovely to be around and it was a pleasure to take her out. My life is not so full of dear presences that I can’t make room for one or two more. And I had a feeling that you needed some time to yourself after I saw your face at breakfast. I hate to drop this on you now.”

Hilda patted the hand on her arm. “I’m fine, I assure you, Vivien. Have a restful evening. I’ll try and speak to you before I go to bed.”

She turned back into her room to retrieve the objects from the bed then made her way slowly to Ellie’s room, unaware that Vivien had taken herself off to Mother Abbess’s office, where she poured out what had happened. The nun sighed as gustily as Hilda had done.

“Poor Ellie! But Hilda is right – Christmas is not a good time for grieving souls.”

“Hilda herself seemed very sad and tired just now, and her eyes were red,” murmured Vivien.

Mother Abbess nodded, and leaned back in her chair. “Yes, my dear, she’s been doing something that will have taken all her courage, but she refused any help. And I was very harsh with her a little while ago, which won’t have made things any easier.” She looked searchingly at Vivien. “Vivien, I hate to ask you this, but - will you stand her friend at school, dear, even though you know she has to remain aloof? I know you see through her and her impassivity, so can you find ways to alleviate her pain?”

Vivien bowed her head in acquiescence, her eyes resolute, and Mother Abbess was satisfied. She respected this woman greatly, as she respected Gwynneth and Nancy; she was determined that Hilda would have as much loving support as possible when she herself was not around. Having smashed down the walls, something was needed to shelter Hilda round.

“Thank you, Vivien, for all you are doing. I know how much Hilda appreciates it. And don’t worry too much about sending her to Ellie. No one could give more love and wisdom to the child than Hilda. It will exhaust her even more, but in helping her she will find help for herself as well. Ellie loves her very much.”

“As do I, Mother Abbess,” whispered Vivien, her brown eyes soft and luminous. “I’ll do my very best to take your place next term, for it won’t be easy for her and Ellie at first. Just hold us all in your prayers.”

“And in my heart as well, child, I promise you,” replied Mother Abbess softly, visibly moved at such devotion.

#166:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 9:12 pm
    —
Oh Mary, I just want to take Hilda in my arms and hold her close here. She is so vulnerable as she goes down to visit those treasures, to do a hard thing. She just seems to need every prop, and support, she can get. Particularly when she sees the diary, and it calls out to her.

Well done Hilda for turning your back though! That can't have been easy. And she is so right, people *did* need her. Ellie and Vivien in particular needed her.

Hilda did so well, and was able to help Vivien understand with just a few words. And how wise of Vivien to go to MA after her chat with Hilda - I bet that good will come of that talk next term.

I look forward to two things - seeing the talk that Hilda has with Ellie (including Hilda's surprise for her I hope!) and the effects of Vivien's time with MA - the most imediate ones as oppose to the results of Viviens promise!

Thanks Mary

#167:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 9:49 pm
    —
Poor Hilda - yet Ellie needing her will probably be the best thing for her.


Thanks Mary

#168:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 10:10 pm
    —
Oh, poor Hilda, all those memories just lying in wait for her. But she was right, others did need her at that time, as Vivien's arrival showed all too clearly.

Vivien is so very loving and supportive here, as MA perceives- and then she acts on that perception. Hilda will need friends during the coming months, to sustain her both in the loneliness of her position and the isolation of her grief, and Vivien's promise reassures MA that she will be there for Hilda.

And MA is very wise to recognise how Hilda will be able to help Ellie - and in doing so find comfort herself:
Quote:
No one could give more love and wisdom to the child than Hilda. It will exhaust her even more, but in helping her she will find help for herself as well.


Thank you Mary.

#169:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 10:45 pm
    —
Even though the first fierce grief is past, there are so many memories waiting to ambush Hilda at all times, aren't there? I'm sure finding those items in the cellar was the last thing she wanted to do at that precise moment, but she wanted them for Ellie, and that was more important and more urgent than her own wishes.

It's good to see Vivien's role here - both in sensing that Ellie needs more reassurance and comfort than she herself could provide, despite, or even because of, the outing they have just shared (MA is so right in her comment that holidays are the worst begetters of memories for those in grief at any time) and in understanding so quickly that in asking Hilda to help just at that moment was placing even more stress on Hilda herself. How wise she was, too, to apprise MA of the situation - not only does it confirm MA's views of Vivien herself, but also gives her such a golden opportunity to ask Vivien to 'watch out' for Hilda during the coming term.

And, as everyone else has so rightly noted, Ellie's need of Hilda at that moment will help Hilda perhaps more than anything else, and in providing that help, she will herself find some comfort.

Thanks, Mary - I look forward to the next part.

#170:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:04 pm
    —
As Mary knows, I have a great affection for Vivien, and she is showing her worth as a true friend to Hilda and to Ellie.
Even MA is coming to rely on her to help Hilda when they go back to school.
Well done Vivien !

#171:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:10 pm
    —
Wonderful as always, Mary.

#172:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 1:17 pm
    —
I do wonder what especially precious thing Hilda is going to give up to Ellie (and how much grief it will cause her). That in itself will go a long way towards healing Ellie's wounds, and I am looking forward to witnessing her joy when she hears about the guardianship (done so sensitively). It will certainly make life a lot more straightforward for Hilda as well, and will reassure Ellie of her love as nothing else could.

Vivien is being a tower of strength for them both, and will continue to be so back at school, I'm sure. She is delightful.

I do enjoy MA's more abrasive moments, her dislike of 'half-baked ideas' and her refusal to have martyrs in her convent!

And, like wheelchairprincess, I am seriously wibbling about just what Hild's experiences were with the cursed Lieutenant. Please don't make it anything too awful, Mary, there are things I absolutely could not bear!

Lastly (sorry to go on and on, I haven't been able to post for a while), I don't altogether share MA's perspective on Nell (though I suspect I do share Hilda's), but her summing up of her attempts to put back together again Hilda's shattered confidence was really lovely:
Quote:
Don’t ever doubt your ability to do your job, my daughter. Don’t ever doubt your many gifts, or the love you give to all. And, whatever else you do, don’t ever doubt what you are.
Amen!

Just have to give one last quote, just because it's so fine:
Quote:
As they waited, silence was a living, breathing entity in that room, strained and tense.


Thank you, Mary.

#173:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:47 pm
    —
Hilda, meanwhile, had reached Ellie’s door, to find Polly scratching at it and mewing loudly. Hilda wondered if Patch was inside with the girl. Tapping lightly on the door, she waited, but there was no response. She looked down at the little tabby, who was curling round her legs urgently and head butting her.

“Shall we try again, Polly?” she murmured, but even as she raised her hand she heard a sound which froze her in place. Desperate sobbing was coming from within. A sudden, sharp memory swept through her, making her dizzy, and she leaned her forehead against the door. Nancy had found her in desperate agony like this just two short months ago. She could still taste the utter devastation that had ripped through her, the coldness and emptiness in her heart. Had Nancy been assailed by the same helplessness she was now feeling? For how did one comfort such anguish?

A soft mew roused her. “You’re quite right, Polly. I’m a coward. Come!” and turning the handle she slipped silently inside the dark room. Shedding her packages, she groped her way across the floor, switched on the bedside lamp and stared down at Ellie in dismay. Deep wrenching sobs shaking her slender frame, she was curled up in a tight ball, her face buried in the pillow. Patch was pawing at her, wanting his friend to play. Polly joined him on the bed, but sat upright, her tail curled tidily round her feet, her inscrutable gaze fixed unwaveringly on Hilda, asking her what she was going to do about all this.

With broken prayers for help welling up in her heart, she sat carefully on the bed and put her arms round Ellie. Immediately, as though sensing who it was, the girl shuffled round and snuggled into those loving arms, burying her face in Hilda’s shoulder as the sobs continued unabated. The latter leaned back against the headboard, cradling the girl close.

“I’m here, ma petite, you’re not alone,” she crooned, her cheek laid on Ellie’s black hair. “Cry it out, my darling, whatever it is. I can’t possibly guess what you’re going through but I’ll hold you as long as you like. You have been so brave this Christmas but life is just too hard sometimes, isn’t it, mon enfant….?”

She crooned softly as the girl wept on bitterly, a tear or two trickling down her own cheeks now and then at the tragedy of it all. One could never make up to this girl for all she had lost. But Hilda knew that Mother Abbess had the truth of it. By opening up her heart, in a way she had never opened up, not even to Nell, Hilda could help Ellie move on. There had been no necessity to constantly reveal herself to Nell – she was already known and cherished. Words would have been superfluous.

But this sorrowing girl needed to be told over and over that she was loved, needed to be shown it, needed to be taught what love was, needed to be shown that loneliness and grief would eventually soften and heal, needed to know that, though her loss was monumental, there was still love to be found and life to be lived. The cost would be high to Hilda, for she would have to reveal the depths of her own grief, would have to reveal her own heart and her spirit, as mothers did, if Ellie was to heal and discover a new path on her journey through life. A new school was the first step on that path, just as Hilda’s new dream had been one of her first steps on that rocky road to some sort of healing.

As the soft words washed over her like gently lapping waves, Ellie’s tears gradually grew quieter and then died away, leaving her exhausted and shaken in Hilda’s arms. Hilda kissed the top of the girl’s head and whispered in her ear.

“Ellie, ma chérie, I’m going to get you a drink. Your hands feel very cold.”

However, even as she tried to loosen her arms, the girl clung to her more fiercely, shaking her head, so Hilda settled back again. “Du calme, petite, it’s alright. I won’t let you go till you say so. I’ve got all night if you want it. You don’t need to talk, just rest quietly. I haven’t lost everything as you have, child, and so I can’t understand one jot of your pain. But I do know the great emptiness and fear within; the hideous loneliness; the sorrow which makes you feel physically sick so you can’t eat; the terrible dread when you wake up, as though more disaster is just round the corner; the awful despair that asks Why?”

Ellie was now as still as a statue in Hilda’s arms, and one could feel the intensity of her listening. Even the two cats were motionless, curled up against Hilda’s legs, their purr a warm background to her lovely voice as it softened and deepened into the mellow sweetness of a cello.

“You no longer have any control over your life, do you, sweetheart? You have been transplanted to foreign soil and expected to take root. But, instead, you’re dying inside. Cold fingers are reaching inside your chest, slowly and relentlessly squeezing your heart, leaving you breathless and choking.” She stopped, then added even more softly, “You’re screaming inside, the agony to be great to be borne. You want to howl at the moon, just as the wolf does.”

Ellie raised her ravaged face to look up at Hilda, who smiled down at her wryly. “You’re wondering how I know these things, petite.”

Ellie nodded wordlessly and Hilda bent to kiss the girl’s forehead. “I may be old and very staid, and seem to have no emotions, Ellie, but I too have felt all those things, even to wanting to howl at the moon. And hard as it may be to believe, I once actually took to throwing teacups at the wall just to relieve the pain. My life at one point seemed totally meaningless, and even now I’m often like a child crying in the night – for grief still has its claws in me. The colour of my soul is iron-grey, and sad bats wheel about the steeple of my dreams.”

“Who said that?” whispered Ellie.

“A fellow countryman of yours, child – Claude Debussy. He was a weaver of great beauty but he knew all about sorrow and pain, too, didn’t he?”

Ellie nodded, and hid her face against Hilda again, wanting never to leave the comfort and security of those encircling arms, that gentle voice. They reminded her of the soft arms of her grandmother, her beloved mémé, and, even further back than that, of tender lullabies being sung as she was cuddled close by a shadowy figure. Hilda held her tight, praying that some of her words were helping and soothing.

“Ellie, in my great grief, God was very good to me. He sent me Mother Abbess, who rescued me from my distress, for she too knows the pain of loss. Maybe she’ll tell you all about it one day. God sent me other friends as well, to shelter me when the anguish overwhelms me. And then, my darling, He sent you, just two short weeks ago. You’ve been a great blessing to me, child, and I would not willingly be without you now. You haven’t cured my grief – any more than I can cure your losses - but, as I told you last night, you’re taking your own special place in my heart and flooding it with light. Springtime is coming, as it will come to your own heart one day, petite, though I know you won’t believe it right now.”

Ellie began to shake with sobs once more at the tender love in Hilda’s voice, love she felt she did not deserve but which Hilda seemed determined to pour out upon her. Hilda held her as close as she could to her heart, laying her own head back and closing her eyes over her own tears.

I didn’t really know what to say. I felt so clumsy. I didn’t know how to reach him. The land of tears is so mysterious. (Saint Exupéry)

Especially a child’s tears – for often they know not why they cry. Holding Ellie close, Hilda prayed ceaselessly in the silence of her heart. What else was there to do? The Lord loved children; and He knew best how to help them. The room was very quiet. Ellie’s sobs were slowly dying away. Even the cats were now so sound asleep that their rumbling purr had stilled......

#174:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:57 pm
    —
Oh Mary - how on earth do you find it within yourself to write such heart wrenching scenes? It must be wrung from you, like drops of precious heart blood.

Poor Ellie, so desolate. And Poor Hilda, to have to deal with a daughter figure who is so bereaved. One would never guess how recent the teacup throwing incedent is. She talks as if it is something that happened years before, in another life.

And yet, I am shocked yet again at the way Ellie who has seemed so grown up and mature, is still so recently grieved. Only known her for 2 short weeks indeed? Are you sure it's not more like 2 months, or even 2 years?

Patch and Polly are such a lovely touch here, and Polly's anxiety about Ellie is palable. Yet the storm is almost over, and the sun is beginning to come out - as the sleeping of the cats shows.

Thank you Mary - that was a stunning and wonderful post.

#175:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 10:35 pm
    —
Mary, that was heart-tugging, and reveals so much about Hilda and Ellie's place in her life. Hilda's words were so right and show Ellie that while Hilda is aware of the special and individual nature of grief, and its essential loneliness, she is also capable of understanding where Ellie is, and how isolated she has become.

I found this intriguing:
Quote:
I haven’t lost everything as you have, child, and so I can’t understand one jot of your pain.
Certainly when Nell died, Hilda felt that she had lost everything that mattered in her life - but Ellie is so young to have lost all that she has, and I think this is what Hilda recognises, in the same way that she recognises that Ellie needs to hear that she is loved, to be told that there is life and joy beyond this moment and to understand something of the nature of love - no matter what it costs Hilda.

And by the end of this, some measure of calm has been achieved.

Thank you Mary.

#176:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 10:49 pm
    —
The despair of this child is indeed so all-consuming. Ellie has lost everything which she held so dear, has been 'transplanted' to a new place and expected to adapt to a new life, all in the shortest space of time. Is it any wonder that at times she is overwhelmed by the depth of her despair, when only tears can bring any relief? And is it any wonder that, having formed this bond with Hilda, she clings to her with all her might? And yes, though Hilda can help her so much both through her reassurance and her 'sharing' of her own grief, is it any wonder that they both still, from time to time, feel the need to 'howl at the moon' as the only way to express their feelings?

MA is right in trusting that, in helping Ellie, Hilda will help herself, even though, in so doing, she has to draw on all her strength and fortitude to do so. But MA certainly chose the right person for this task, didn't she?

An extremely heartfelt section, Mary, which must have been as difficult to write as it is moving to read. We can all 'feel' both for and with Ellie in her despair, and with Hilda as she strives to bring comfort and solace, thanks to the power of your words. And that last little bit holds at least a suggestion of the 'still small voice of calm' once again.

Thank you.

#177:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 11:09 pm
    —
There is so much that Hilda can understand only too well, but she also sees that, while she still has direction and choice in her life, Ellie is too young to be autonomous, and has to submit to her life being controlled by others, however kind and caring. She must, indeed, feel totally rudderless and storm-tossed.

A very careful analysis here of Ellie's needs in the relationship, and of how Hilda is going to have to change to meet those needs. No, of course she didn't need to spell her feelings out to Nell, she was, indeed, 'known and cherished', understood at a very deep level. It will be hard for her to expose herself in this way, but she will do it if it what Ellie needs.

I didn't know the Debussy quote, and it is so evocative:
Quote:
The colour of my soul is iron-grey, and sad bats wheel about the steeple of my dreams.
I think that's going to become part of my life!

Thank you, Mary.

#178:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 6:23 pm
    —
Thank you Mary.

#179:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 6:46 pm
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Oh, poor little Ellie ! Crying or Very sad
Such heart-rending grief must have been so hard for Hilda to face, but she does so with such love, grace, dignity and utter compassion. She is the best person to help her just now.

I wonder if MA will tell Ellie some of her own story in due course ?

Thank you, Mary Exclamation
This must have been hard to write. {hugs}

#180:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 9:28 pm
    —
Thank you all for your delightful comments. Yes, Sian and Squirrel, just at the moment I am finding this very hard to write and am often reduced to tears - I think ND is finally taking its toll. Embarassed But thank you, Sian, for saying Hilda helps Ellie -
Quote:
with such love, grace, and utter compassion


.....I didn’t really know what to say. I felt so clumsy. I didn’t know how to reach him. The land of tears is so mysterious. (Saint Exupéry)

Especially a child’s tears – for often they know not why they cry. Holding Ellie close, Hilda prayed ceaselessly in the silence of her heart. What else was there to do? The Lord loved children; and He knew best how to help them. The room was very quiet. Ellie’s sobs were slowly dying away. Even the cats were now so sound asleep that their rumbling purr had stilled.

And then – all at once, the stillness seemed to vibrate; Hilda sensed a presence nearby. So strong was it that she opened her eyes, wondering if Mother Abbess had entered, but there was no one there. She closed her eyes again, a soft smile curving her lips. No physical body maybe, but still a presence – Nell, offering her help, standing guard.

Come to see what I do with your belongings, dear heart? I promise to use them well. Cherry will not be forgotten.

She was the one who suggested them, sweetheart. Why should well-loved possessions be wasted, when they could bring reassurance?

I hope both of you are going to help me look after her, Nell.

Maybe, lovely girl, but we’re not really needed, are we? She’s strong as steel already, just like you, both of you refined in the fiery furnace of your pain.


All at once, she felt a soft kiss planted on her cheek. Startled, her eyes flew open, thinking for one wild, heart-stopping moment that it was Nell. But no, it was Ellie’s damp face pressed close to hers. Hilda planted a return kiss on the swollen nose and produced a clean handkerchief. While Ellie mopped her face, Hilda poured a glass of water from the jug on the bedside table. She handed it to the girl and sank back against the headboard once more, Ellie nestled close in her arms.

“Care to tell me what caused it, ma chérie?” she asked gently.

Ellie blew her nose again and sipped her drink as she sought the words that would explain the inexplicable. But Madame would make sense of it, as she did of everything. “Je ne sais pas, exactement. But – there were so many families at the cinema, you know. There were papas with their children on their shoulders or in their arms, mothers holding their daughters’ hands, all laughing and joking…..”

“Appearances can be deceptive, Ellie,” warned Hilda softly.

Ellie nodded solemnly. “This I know, Madame. But still, they were together, having fun. I never had that with papa – and all the others have left me now, the ones who cherished me. I only have marraine, though at least I know now that she loves me.”

She sighed and Hilda tightened her arms. What could she possibly say that would help?

Ellie took up her tale once more. “And on the way to the restaurant, there were houses with Christmas trees all lit up with such pretty lights and there were families sitting by the fire. In one house we saw them sitting round a table having a meal – and they were all smiling and just….just enjoying being together en famille. It looked so cosy and warm,” she added wistfully. “They might argue, they might fight – but they belonged.”

“And belonging is so important, isn’t it, darling?” asked Hilda gently.

“Madame, I belong to no one now,” Ellie said, with such starkness that it caught Hilda by the throat. Did she herself not have the same awareness of how little she now mattered to anyone? Or had, until she met Mother Abbess and found a way to go on living and loving - and being loved.

“Ellie….” she began, about to tell her the good news, but Ellie was not finished.

“You know, even when papa was alive, I never belonged to anyone, after mémé and pépé died. For papa didn’t love me, didn’t care that I was lonely.” She opened eyes brimming with anguish. “He never hugged me, kissed me, played with me. He assurément never carried me on his shoulders or joked with me. I mattered more to the… the postman, for he was a friend”

How could a child bear it? Why should she be expected to bear it? Hilda’s tears trickled over once more at the bitterness and despair revealed in that last sentence. How could any man do that to his own flesh and blood? Oh, Nell, where is any comfort for her?

Why, in you, of course, my lovely girl. Open your heart, dearest, as you did a few moments ago, and pour out on her what you have learned in your own sorrows. Why else would you have been chosen…..?

Both Nell and Mother Abbess had spoken. She opened her heart again. “Ellie, after my mother died, I too never really belonged anywhere, for my father didn’t know what to do with a young daughter. He was quite old when I was born and a rather distant parent, even before my mother’s death. And my brothers were too old to be playmates. It’s a very lonely place, not belonging, isn’t it? No one to go to in the middle of the night when everything overwhelms one, no one of whom one can ask that silly, unimportant question, no one to talk to about life and love and hopes and dreams…..”

“You understand,” whispered Ellie, and she rubbed her head against Hilda. “You wanted to be first with your papa, to be close to him – but he wouldn’t let you.”

“He tried, Ellie, much more than I think your father did, but he was always too busy – and too tired. Too many people wanted his help, his prayers, his time. He very often had nothing left for me.”

“Why couldn’t they have been like other papas, Madame? Why did our mothers have to die and leave us?”

What a wealth of sadness in the voice of one so young! What a wealth of sadness, also, in the dulcet tones which answered that pitiful plea.

Down, down, down, into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
(Edna St Vincent Millay)


“I certainly did not approve, Ellie – not for any of my lost ones,” whispered Hilda. “And I was not resigned for a long time to the death of my mother, for she was all of those things in that poem. She was beautiful and tender and kind – and she was mine. I became a very bitter and unhappy girl, caring for nothing and nobody.”

She gathered Ellie closer still and closed her eyes. “I wasn’t as brave as you have been, petite. I hadn’t lost everything – I still had my home, my school, my friends. I still had the rest of my family. But we had been so close, my mother and I, and the world had become so cold. As it is for you now, and has been for a long while. Life is asking a great deal of you, child, and you can’t cope all on your own.”

She smiled wryly at what she was to say next, for she herself had had to be forced, kicking and screaming, to do what she was advising Ellie to do. “You must promise to lean on us all, seek us out when you feel like this. Don’t hide away and suffer alone, even when we are at school.”

They clung together, these two motherless people who had never, in their hearts, ceased searching for what they had lost. Ellie was quiet, assimilating all Madame had said, relaxing into the generous love that was trying so hard to help her breathe easier....

#181:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 9:36 pm
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Well done Hilda - that was hard for you to say, wasn't it? Especially knowing that you went through the same. So glad Nell was there for you.


Thanks Mary.

#182:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 10:37 pm
    —
Oh that was painful for both of them, even though Nell was there to support Hilda -and even though, as she herself says, Hilda doesn't need that support, being 'strong as steel' herself. But that doesn't matter does it? When you love people you will support them anyway...

Poor Ellie - even though she knows that apparently happy families may be hiding profound pain and misery, even the appearance of belonging is something that she has been denied. And poor Hilda too, to have mourned that loss all her life, although she does understand that her father did love her, but was too busy and too much at a loss himself to know what to do about her.

But Nell and MA are right; the way for Hilda to reach Ellie is to share things with her, allow herself to show her love for her and reveal herself to the girl - all things that will enrich Hilda herself.

I know the St Vincent Millay poem - and I don't think that one should approve of or be resigned to death.

Thank you Mary.

#183:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 11:04 pm
    —
That was indeed painful for both of them, but so important. Important for Hilda to lay bare her heart to this child, so that Ellie could feel the true comfort of having her feelings understood by someone who had once stood in such a similar situation to herself. That she can cling to someone who has known similar feelings of loneliness and abandonment must mean so much to her, and insert a sliver of warmth into her lonely little heart - even Sister Patricia cannot fully penetrate that.

And of course Hilda was the right person to do this - MA's insistence on that is little short of genius. And in becoming the comforter, Hilda herself will be helped to heal, as well as feeling Nell's presence and support for what she is doing, even though Nell maintains she has the 'steel in her soul' to be able to do it on her own.

Another most moving sequence, Mary. Thank you.

#184:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:04 am
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Oh Mary... Well done Hilda - just the right words delivered in just the right way once more.

Indeed, Hilda needed Nell's presence, not to see that her belongings were put to good use, though I am sure that Hilda would feel comforted that Nell thought they were, but that Hilda might have some comfort when she did this difficult thing.

And yes, Hilda may be asking for help in her burden of care for Ellie, but she has all she needs and more. However, even when you are in that position, it's good to know that you have the back up, as a safety net should something go wrong - this is what is so important about Vivien being at the school, willing and able to do all she can to help both Hilda and Ellie through.

Thank you Mary - that was wonderful.

#185:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:07 am
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Work kept me away from this last week so I've just caught up on several posts at once. Every time this happens I am again struck by the beauty and power of the writing, which seem to increase exponentially when you read more than one post together.

Those two quotations - the Debussy and Exupéry - are some of the most wonderful yet. Debussy's image in particular is an incredibly striking picture of melancholy.

Quote:
There had been no necessity to constantly reveal herself to Nell – she was already known and cherished. Words would have been superfluous.

Words seem superfluous - or perhaps inadequate - to describe this, but I must say how beautiful and moving it is anyway. Even to think that such love exists is heart-warming.

Quote:
"It looked so cosy and warm,” she added wistfully. “They might argue, they might fight – but they belonged.”

Poor Ellie... Crying or Very sad There is such pathos here. I do hope the news, when Ellie hears it, will give her some of that sense of belonging she so desperately craves. I'm not surprised these scenes have been heart-rending to write, when they are so moving to read.

Very pleased the cats are there for her too - nothing like silver tabbies for comfort! Wink
Merci, cherie.

#186:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:09 am
    —
Interesting that Cherry, too, has been involved in the gifts Hilda is about to give Ellie – which gives me a possible clue as to what one, at least, might be!

Ellie’s desolation and bone-deep loneliness is heartbreaking, but it is she, as well as Hilda, whom Nell describes as ‘strong as steel’. She doesn’t seem very strong at the moment, but, like Hilda, the suffering she is going through will surely result in a more mature, compassionate and emotionally robust person in the end.

I am so looking forward to the moment when Hilda tells Ellie that she does, indeed, 'belong' - and to her. Pretty life-changing, I should think.

Cath wrote:
I know the St Vincent Millay poem - and I don't think that one should approve of or be resigned to death
I didn't know it before, but couldn't agree more.

Thank you, Mary.

#187:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 9:36 am
    —
Mary,
how I love these quotations which you weave into ND!

You are much more widely read than I am, my dear Wink
I am looking forward to the next installment with bated breath.......

#188:  Author: clair PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 6:51 pm
    —
I've just read the whole of this in one go having found it in the archives - it's amazing. You've made me laugh and cry and it's hard to believe that these are not actually real people! Really looking forward to more of this, please let's see more of Nancy and Kathie and please let them work it out.
Thank you Mary

#189:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 9:53 pm
    —
clair wrote:
You've made me laugh and cry and it's hard to believe that these are not actually real people!

Clair, how could you? You've upset Hilda. Laughing Laughing Laughing She's convinced she and Nell are real. They are - aren't they? Shocked

......They clung together, these two motherless people who had somehow, in their hearts, never ceased searching for what they had lost. Ellie was quiet, assimilating all Madame had said, relaxing into the generous love that was trying so hard to help her breathe easier. All at once a wistful murmur was heard from her.

“It will be my birthday soon. How will I bear it, Madame? There will be nobody, but nobody, from my life in France to celebrate with me?”

“Oh, child,” said Hilda brokenly, laying her cheek once more on the black hair. “But think about Christmas. That too was scaring you, n’est-ce pas? You were feeling so alone when I first met you, as was I. But Christmas was a good time, in the end, wasn’t it?”

“Because of you, Madame,” whispered Ellie.

“Not so, Ellie! Many people helped both of us. But, tell me, when is your birthday, mon enfant?”

“February the fifteenth,” she sighed.

The next moment she was raising her head in bewilderment. Hilda had flinched and then gasped out loud when she heard the date; her arms had tightened involuntarily round the girl. Now she was staring down at Ellie in disbelief.

“Madame?” asked Ellie uncertainly. What had she said?

Hilda took hold of herself, cupped Ellie’s damp cheek in a loving hand and smiled in wonder. “Ellie, ma chérie, I find this hard to understand – but that was my mother’s birthday as well.” Ellie stared at her uncomprehendingly. “What a beautiful thing God has done for both of us! You said you didn’t now belong to anyone. But you do, child, you do. You belong to your aunt, who is family, and you belong to me now. God has just made that very clear. You have given me a reason to celebrate once more that very special day, darling. You have given me a wonderful New Year gift.”

Ellie dimly realised that not only would she now always have someone with whom to celebrate her birthday, but that it had become a very special feast day in Hilda’s heart, that she had brought back the joy of it for Hilda.

Hilda, meanwhile, decided that the time had come. She brought up her other hand so she was cupping Ellie’s face and looked deep into the blue eyes. “Ellie, my darling, I said just now that you belong to me. I told you last night how much you meant to me. But would you like it all made more official, make it something more tangible than just my words? If belonging somewhere and being part of a family are so important to you, would you like to become my ward, become a very special part of my life?”

This time it was Ellie’s turn to stare in disbelief. She tore herself out of Hilda’s grasp and sat up straight, pushing her tangled hair off her face, her eyes shocked. “Wha….what do you mean? How can I be your ward? Marraine is my guardian. Papa said so, in his will.”

Hilda’s keen eyes searched the lovely face, and read the sudden fear. She had to tread carefully – one wrong word now could spell disaster. She reached out and took Ellie by the shoulders gently, and her voice was very tender as she spoke.

“No, Ellie, please don’t think the worst of your aunt. She is being so unselfish and generous and I would hate you to misunderstand. Will you listen till I’ve finished?” Ellie nodded, her eyes watching Hilda intently, her expression very guarded.

“Ellie, your aunt asked me just this afternoon would I become your guardian because she feels it would make life easier for us in school – which indeed it will, for it won’t be exactly a bed of roses for either of us as we get to know more about each other in a different environment, one where I will not be as available as I am here; one where everything will be so new to you. It isn’t that your aunt no longer loves you. It’s rather that she loves you very much indeed and so wants only what is best for you, whether it brings her pain or not. Do you understand?”

Ellie’s eyes lightened a fraction, but her expression remained guarded. Hilda continued. “After careful consideration, I agreed to do it, on two conditions. One was that she and I share your guardianship – for I couldn’t take you away from her, when you are family. I appreciate how important that is to you.” A little more light entered Ellie’s eyes. Hilda took a deep breath, rather like a diver about to plunge into icy water. “The other condition was that you yourself must really want this. I would not force you.”

Ellie’s expression still did not change. Hilda swallowed and moved one trembling hand from the girl’s shoulder to stroke the lustrous hair. Her voice dropped to a whisper as she forced herself to say what was in her heart.

“But, Ellie, ma petite, I didn’t agree because it would help us at school. I agreed because I love you. I, too, have a need to belong, child, a very strong need. After I lost Nell, I belonged nowhere and to no one until I came here – and discovered Mother Abbess, and you. Mother Abbess has become a second mother to me, but you…. Oh, Ellie, I told you last night how necessary you are to me. Do you remember?”

Ellie’s head moved slightly against Hilda’s hand. “Then, ma chérie, will you do me the great honour of becoming my ward, so I can show my love for you to the world? You would make me so very happy and proud.”

Their eyes held in the silence, and Hilda saw the guarded expression fade away to be replaced by dawning hope, then wonder and finally overwhelming happiness. Ellie opened her mouth to speak but no words would come. Tear after tear rolled down her cheeks until, with a sob, she leaned forward and put her arms round Hilda, who cradled her close again, tears welling up in her own eyes.

Oh Nell, thank Him for me. And will you hold our mothers close and let them know we have found each other. Tell them to pray for us and to keep us in their hearts as we journey on together. For the way will not always be easy.

She felt Ellie cuddle closer, and she understood that feeling of never wanting to let someone go. She smiled tenderly, her eyes closed, the tears drying on her cheeks. Peace descended, and they both felt they could have stayed entwined together like this forever. Tears were still close, but their spirits were exalted. They belonged to each other now. No more words were needed.


Last edited by MaryR on Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

#190:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:01 pm
    —
Beautiful Mary, there are no words....

#191:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:19 pm
    —
Quote:
They belonged to each other now. No more words were needed.


How can I add anything to that, Mary? Truly, at this instant, that 'light which cometh in the morning' has dawned for both of them, and your closing sentence just sums it all up.

No matter how much grief, how many hardships, may lie ahead of both of them, they will be secure in each other. And Hilda's explanation of how this 'shared' guardianship had evolved was so direct - I just loved the way she treated Ellie as an adult who could understand it all.

'Thank you' is an inadequate phrase here - you have left me with eyes full of tears, yet smiling at the same time.

#192:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:27 pm
    —
Oh, but that was so poignant, and beautiful and....oh my! Speechless.... Stops, wipes eyes, composes self. That's better.

Hilda said that so beautifully, in a way that reassured Ellie that she would not lose her aunt as she had so obviously initially feared, but only gain in having Hilda as an 'official' guardian - and that in doing this Hilda has stood up and said, "This is what I want." As she says herself:
Quote:
ma chérie, will you do me the great honour of becoming my ward, so I can show my love for you to the world?
Truly an utterance that would have convinced Ellie...

And that lovely and unremarkable gesture of speaking to Nell and emphasising her involvement with this too.

And thos last two sentences were absolutely right....
Quote:
They belonged to each other now. No more words were needed.


Thank you Mary... Crying or Very sad Very Happy

#193:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 11:19 pm
    —
Well, I suspect that's the first time in her life that Hilda has had a conversation quite like that one. It's such a big thing for her to overcome her deep reserve in this way in order to connect with Ellie. As she recently said, she didn't need to do it with Nell. Very brave of her - she is entering into a new mode of being.
Quote:
she understood that feeling of never wanting to let someone go.
Now that I would guess she has felt before - but not since Nell's death.
How very lucky Ellie is.

#194:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 12:14 am
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Oh Mary... Another one blinking back tears here!

That was so special to witness - a wonderful embrace that reaches out to enfold us as readers as well, so we can share in their joy. Quite, quite magical. They will have this moment to treasure even in the face of problems. They may not have been born mother and daughter, but they share a special bond. They've both come home, haven't they...

Quote:
And will you hold our mothers close and let them know we have found each other.

This invocation to Nell is exquisite, in form and content. I hope the way ahead will be smooth and that their love can overcome any obstacles. And I too must quote this, as others have done:

Quote:
They belonged to each other now. No more words were needed.

...because it is utterly, perfectly beautiful.
Merci, cherie.

#195:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 12:28 pm
    —
I love the way that Hilda comforts Ellie here. And the fact that Ellie picks on an event coming up soon, to explain her worry. How lovely that the date Ellie was born should happen to be the date Hilda's mother was born - what a lovely link between the pair of them.

And Hilda handled the guardianship issue wonderfully well - at a very difficult time. In some ways I'm sorry that Ellie was not a bit more stable when they looked at the issue, but it happened to be the right word in the right place. How those years of teaching, and playing headmistress, have prepared Hilda for this time.

I love the way that Ellie comes closer to accepting what was offered to her bit by bit. It is so realistic. In some ways I can see how she would feel almost as if Hilda has overstepped the boundaries there, by trying to become in place of her Aunt. However, little by litte, Hilda's explanation of events, and of the thinking of Hilda and the other adults, has won Ellie round.

What a wonderful relationship there is between these two.

Thankyou Mary, this was a lovely bit of writing. Looking forward to the next installation when you are ready.

#196:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 9:54 pm
    —
Tara wrote:
...verybrave of her - she is entering into a new mode of being.

Did she not once say to MA that she felt God was breaking her wide open and re-moulding her, Tara?

.....She felt Ellie cuddle closer, and she understood that feeling of never wanting to let someone go. She smiled tenderly, her eyes closed, the tears drying on her cheeks. Peace descended, and they both felt they could have stayed entwined together like this forever. Tears were still close, but their spirits were exalted. They belonged to each other now. No more words were needed.

Hilda stroked the black hair lovingly and thought of white, curly hair that had been so springy to the touch. The longing within was intense, despite her present peace, for who else could she share this with but Nell, as she had shared everything? But if Nell were still alive – then where would be this child? Nell was safe for ever more. It was up to her, Hilda, to make sure this child was safe as well.

Dearest Nell, why does my heart still fail me so often, my grief overwhelm me so much, when each day new treasures are poured on me, heaped up and overflowing. Who would have predicted I would become a nun, be mothered by an Abbess –

- get shot, receive an offer of marriage, traipse down a mountainside on bare feet….

Alright, alright! I know. And all in the space of six months! But those sorts of things usually happened to you, lively creature that you are, not to staid and sensible Miss Annersley? You must surely be laughing out loud at the irony of it all – or else you’re the one arranging it all, so help me. I can see the urchin grin yet. But, dear one, who could have predicted this orphan child, so lost and alone, just when I am approaching my dotage?

Mmmm! You’ve a year or two left in you yet, you know! But an Abbess mothered by an Abbess! Now there’s irony for you, if you like, my girl. They must have had second sight when they gave you that nickname. But you will make such a wonderful nun – and mother.

I’m not her mother! What on earth are you….?


She came back to earth with a jolt as the body in her arms began to tremble violently. Was Ellie cold or was it just an excess of emotion? She drew away a little and observed the girl’s face. She was as white as a sheet, great smudges under her eyes, but the eyes themselves were starry with joy and hope. Hilda smiled down tenderly.

“Happier?” she asked. Ellie nodded and reached up to kiss her gratefully. “Still want me for a guardian, now you’ve remembered my reputation for fierceness?”

Ellie grinned. “I’ll always want you, Madame,” she whispered. “I always feel happier after being with you. You make life easier to understand, somehow.”

“Let’s hope those words continue to be true, child. But, Ellie, one thing I ask of you,” Hilda said, her eyes suddenly very resolute. “Please don’t think I have the answer to every question, the solution to every problem. If you do, you will be disappointed, for I am not infallible. And please accept that I have as many faults and failings as any other person on God’s earth. If you don’t see me as human, as flawed, you will resent it when I let you down one day – as I will, for I am no saint. There’s an old saying that goes something like this: There’s a little good in the worst of us and a little bad in the best of us. You would do well to keep that in mind.”

She remembered having this same conversation with Tessa but now felt she had to take it one step further. “You must promise to try, ma petite. There must be honesty and transparency between us, for we are more than teacher and pupil now. There will come a time when you won’t feel happier after being with me – and you will have to accept that and not let it come between us. I don’t want to have to hide who I really am from you.”

The eyes looking at her were so trusting that Hilda’s heart faltered. “But you would never leave me like my father did, would you? Even when he was still alive? You’re not like that. Everyone says so,” whispered the girl. “All the others left me….”

Hilda knew this was not the time, but something urgent took hold of her and she cupped Ellie’s face tenderly, her own eyes almost stern. “Ellie, I will never willingly leave you – but you and I know that things happen. We lost our mothers; you lost your father and I lost Nell. They didn’t want to go – they had no choice. And I am getting old, sweetheart. In two years time I will be sixty.”

Ellie shook her head, her eyes pleading, but Hilda was adamantine. “You have to think about it, Ellie, for it has a bearing on my guardianship. No one lives for ever. Even children die. That is why, although you must come to me, and indeed to others, for help with your sadness, you mustn’t lean on me too much, or you will hate me if my time comes before you have strong enough wings to fly.”

Ellie dimly understood that her new guardian was right, for she had felt very betrayed when her grandparents had died, when her father had died – but she really had no desire to think about Hilda not being there. That would be to make life even colder than it already was. Hilda herself realised all this and said no more, but she had felt it imperative to warn Ellie, before something untoward happened, leaving one of them reeling. Neither of them could have foreseen that those words would come back to haunt both of them a year hence, when the damage done seemed beyond repair.

Hilda pulled Ellie towards her, wrapping her in a bear hug. “I’m sorry, child, you didn’t need all that tonight, did you? I’m spoiling all your pleasure. You see how I get carried away and become far too serious?” She groaned loudly and Ellie relaxed and giggled, hugging Hilda tightly. The latter tilted Ellie’s chin up and smiled down at her.

“You still want me for a guardian, after all that?” Ellie nodded, kissing her gently on the cheek.

“I couldn’t imagine anyone else caring for me as much as you and ma tante do, Madame,” she whispered.

“Oh, I don’t know, child. I could name a few,” Hilda responded quietly, her heart misgiving her as she saw how heavy the girl’s eyes were. “But now, as a reward for your patience, I’ve got a little surprise for you. However, you’re very cold and very tired so I suggest you hop into bed first while I go and get you a hot drink. Let me run and fill your hot water bottle.”

Having done just that, she made her way to the Infirmary and poured out her tale to Sister Pauline, asking for some hot milk and perhaps something in it to help the girl sleep. The nun eyed the white face thoughtfully, wondering if Hilda had any idea how white and weary she herself looked. Pouring herself out for others as usual!

Heating the milk on her little stove, she said placidly, “If you don’t take your own good self off to bed very shortly, my girl, I’ll be slipping something into a hot drink for you, as well.”

“I’m fine, Sister,” insisted Hilda, crossing her fingers behind her back childishly.

“Harumph!” was all Sister Pauline vouchsafed, but Hilda knew the nun would inform Mother and pressure would be applied before too long. She shrugged. It was something she was going to have to accept from these two resolute women if she entered. There were worse things than being loved….

#197:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 10:38 pm
    —
Love the conversation between Hilda and Nell. Hilda is very wise to geve Ellie that warning - it is both the blessing and curse of humans that they love - and that they can lose those they love.


Oh, and wonderful little cliffette you sneaked in halfway through in the hopes it wouldn't be noticed! Wink


Thanks Mary.

#198:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 10:48 pm
    —
That was a lovely conclusion to the conversation; Hilda is so wise warning Ellie, even at this point when their relationship is so new and satisfying, that change must come, because that is the way of life. And she is also wise to warn Ellie not to develop too idealised a view of her -and that chill little breath warning of the future bears all this out.

I loved the exchange with Nell...all that loving banter and Nell's knowledge of Hilda both now and then.

A marvellous last line....
Quote:
There were worse things than being loved….
Oh yes, yes indeed!

Thank you Mary.

#199:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 10:58 pm
    —
Oh Hilda, there is far worse than being loved, particularly by two like MA and SI.

Was it you who introduced me to the 'poem' about the amount of good and bad in people, or was it EBD, or just random? I certainly recall something about it 'ill behoving any of us, to ... the rest of us'. Or something like that!

And what can be said about the scene itself. I think this post is anothe which has something of everything in it.

Poor Hilda, just longing for Nell, and having difficulty with telling Ellie all she needs to. But Nell came as close as she could, and Ellie did her best to take it in.

I'm glad SI has started the process of putting the collected foot down - Hilda does need it.

Thanks Mary.

#200:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 2:35 pm
    —
It was very wise of Hilda to utter the warnings along with the reassurances - the more aware Ellie is of the potential for future developments, the more prepared she may be to accept the inevitable when it happens, as it surely will. And indeed, I wonder about that broad hint of devlopments 12 months hence - just what new trial is in store for Ellie at that point?

Meantime, she can 'revel' in the fact that Hilda is indeed to share her guardianship along with her aunt - 'sufficient unto the day' indeed.

I love the interchanges with Nell, too - a little lightness of spirit to temper Hilda's ever present sense of loss.

Like Squirrel, I'm glad to see that Sister Pauline is 'warning' Hilda of what will happen unless she, too, takes herself off to bed - she has already packed enough and far more than enough into her day.

Lovely as always, Mary - thank you.

#201:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 12:25 am
    —
I wish there was an emoticon for "crying and smiling at the same time" - it would come in very handy! The lightness at the end contrasts so well with the rest. Cheeky Hilda, crossing her fingers like that! And though she was right to warn Ellie, while she is still there to provide comfort, I hope Ellie can reconcile that warning with enjoying Hilda's love and presence.

Quote:
Ellie grinned. “I’ll always want you, Madame,” she whispered. “I always feel happier after being with you. You make life easier to understand, somehow.”

That is so lovely... *sniff* Need that emoticon again!

Wonderful conversation between Hilda and Nell. It's so nice that Nell is back to her 'old self' at the moment, and it must be helping Hilda no end, as much as she misses Nell, to believe that it *is* better to have loved and lost...

Btw, Squirrel, I'm not sure where the verse originally comes from but it's certainly quoted in 'Jo Returns', when Matey is advising Jo on how to draw realistic characters. Lots in here she could look at! Wink

That was beautiful, as ever.
Merci, cherie.

#202:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 12:44 am
    —
I so enjoyed Nell's interjections in that conversation, very typical of her and really recreating her presence.

As others have said, so wise of Hilda to speak so honestly to Ellie about the realities of relationship. And if this were a book, I'd now be flicking frantically to the end to find out what happens in a year's time!!

I, too, loved Hilda crossing her fingers behind her back! That won't get you very far in your present company, my girl! Hope Pauline and MA actually manage to get her to stop soon before she falls down.

#203:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 5:14 am
    —
Hilda, staid? *hears Nell chuckle* Mr. Green

I was about to say something about Ellie finally gaining a little security, but that "Neither of them could have foreseen" is a bit too foreboding.... Shocked

#204:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 9:07 pm
    —
Tara wrote:
I And if this were a book, I'd now be flicking frantically to the end to find out what happens in a year's time!!

Tara! Shocked So that's what you get up to behind my back! I'm surprised at you. Laughing Laughing I shall make very sure to keep my final scripts away from you! Wink Oh, and by the way, Tara, there's plenty more from Nell in this chat with Ellie. Laughing

Returning to Ellie, she found her already in bed, absorbed in something she was holding. Polly and Patch were curled up together, a soft sea of silver and black fur, inviting one to stroke and be soothed. What would Sister Aiden say if she saw them, wondered Hilda. She placed the hot drink down and waited quietly, her fingers gently teasing the cats. Her patience was rewarded when Ellie raised her head and held out what she had been studying so hard.

“It’s a photo of maman,” she whispered. “The only one I have. If only I had known her longer and could remember her….”

Hilda took it from her carefully, as though she had been given a great treasure, as indeed she felt she had. It was a black and white photograph, showing a beautiful, black-haired young woman cradling a tiny baby in her arms and smiling proudly into the camera.

She sat on the bed and smiled mistily at the girl. “Ellie, thank you so much for allowing me to see this. She’s beautiful – and so proud of you. No, don’t shake your head, petite, for it’s quite clear how much she loves you. But, Ellie,” she continued softly, “you don’t need a photo to help you remember her. She is with you always in a very special way, mon enfant, for you are the absolute image of her. Every time you look in the mirror you will see not only yourself but your mother, as well, looking straight back at you. What a truly wonderful gift she gave you at birth, a better one by far than any gift a fairy godmother could have given you. And no one can ever take that away from you, child.”

Her voice was warm and vibrant but her eyes were very wistful, for she herself looked nothing like her belovèd mother. All she had inherited physically had been the glossy brown hair. However, her mother had passed down to her daughter her passionate love of literature – and her imaginative and sensitive nature. One that was often at war with the Annersley pride and dignity and iron self-control.

Meanwhile, Ellie’s white face had flushed with pleasure at the loving words and she snatched the photo back to stare down at it, unmasked longing in her face. Hilda reached out and gently stroked the black hair, now tumbling loose and lustrous on the girl’s shoulders.

“I can see your yearning, mon enfant, but she is very close, watching over you as she has watched over you since the moment she left you. How could she not? She loved you so very much.”

“Are you sure she’s watching over me?” whispered Ellie.

Hilda nodded and smiled wryly. “Oh, yes, I’m very sure, dearest.”

Aren’t I, Nell? Shall I tell her about you? That I sense you near? I shan’t tell her about our conversations, though, not just yet. She might have a re-think about wanting to be the ward of a madwoman.

Was that mocking laughter she could hear? She put out her tongue metaphorically and then passed Ellie her drink. As she did so she thought back to something Ellie had said. “You mentioned only having one photo, child. Why is that?”

“Papa burned them all when maman died,” said the girl curtly.....

#205:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 9:22 pm
    —
Oh how sad - you can understand why he did it - he must have loved her so much - but to deprive his daughter of her mother's pictures. So glad Ellie had one to keep.

Love the descriptions of different parts of Hilda's character - and her conversation with Nell! Laughing Probably not a good thing to reveal that just yet!


Thanks Mary.

#206:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 9:41 pm
    —
Yes, we *can* understand only too well why Ellie's father destroyed all the other pictures of his wife after her death; unfortunately, I suspect it's something which still happens today. And I agree that it's very sad that as a result, Ellie is left with only that one picture of her mother - but how much sadder it would be if she didn't have even that to treasure.

I love Hilda's gentle but emphatic reassurance to Ellie that her mother is watching over her, and that, indeed, she has done so since the moment of her death.

Loved the little 'sub-scene' with Nell, too - I could just hear the exchange and the thought it generated.

Thanks, Mary - looking forward to seeing both Ellie and Hilda pass a quiet night.

#207:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 10:41 pm
    —
Oh Poor Ellie. And while I agree that to a certain extent it is understandable, did he never think of the long term, that Ellie might want more of them. Thank goodness indeed that she has this one to treasure.

I think that somehow it will take a while for Ellie herself to come to terms with it. I don't know, but I think I can sense some anger and pain hidden in her responce there.

While I respect Hilda's right to privacy in her conversations with Nell, I don't think Ellie would get anything from comfort if she was to realise just how close Hilda still was to Nell. OK, she might only ever be able to imagine her mother talking to her, but even if she interpreted what Hilda said as that, then she would get comfort and release from it - and in time she would grow out fo such a habit herself.

I also love the mix of the mundane in the post - that sister Aiden might have something to say about the cats being on the bed for example!

And how wonderful of Ellie to share the picture with Hilda. Another trusting gesture, which has truely paid off. I love the way they are becoming gradually closer.

I look forwards to the next post - though I might have to wait until Monday to read it!

Thank you Mary.

#208:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 10:44 pm
    —
Poor Ellie, just that one picture left. I can understand why her father did that, not wishing to be reminded of his wife - and then in their child who looks so like her, he has a permanent reminder of what he has lost. How sadly ironic.

I loved the reassurance thaat Hilda gave her, that she not only looks like her mother, but also that her mother is watching over her. And an interesting insight into the conflicts caused in Hilda by the various attributes she has inherited from both her parents.

Lovely exchange between Nell and Hilda at the end, especially....
Quote:
She put out her tongue metaphorically
Laughing

Thank you Mary

#209:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 12:28 am
    —
I was going to say almost exactly what Cath has said, so I'll just sat 'Hear, Hear'! I was particularly struck by that mixture of qualities in Hilda, though - very thought-provoking.

I enjoyed the cats entwined in their sea of silver and black fur, too. And I quite agree that Ellie might think Hilda mad if she confesses quite yet to her conversations with Nell! I'm sure it will come in time, though. In the meantime, Hilda, make sure your tongue-poking is metaphorical!

#210:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 2:44 am
    —
Mary, thank you.
This is wonderful, wonderful writing.
Hilda and Ellie will be so good for one another.

#211:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 12:55 pm
    —
Mary, I am sorry that I've not had time to comment here for a few days or so. Please know that I always read the updates.

How sad for Ellie that she only has the one photograph left but how nice she felt she could share it with Hilda, the depth and breadth of their relationship is summed up totally in that one small action. I am interested to see what Nancy, Kathie and Gwyneth all think of her relationship with Ellie.

Thank You.

#212:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 6:04 pm
    —
Don't cats on the bed promote healing? Shocked

Unfortunately, Papa's actions are all too common, though at least he has more excuse than people who assume things others might treasure are mere "clutter."

#213:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:56 pm
    —
Kathy_S wrote:
Don't cats on the bed promote healing? Shocked

Definitely, Kathy. Why do you think Ellie and I keep sneaking them in? Laughing

Thank you for all the comments. It was interesting that the majority of you thought it was understandable that Ellie's dad would do what he did. I wonder what Hilda thinks....



............“You mentioned only having one photo, child. Why is that?”

“Papa burned them all when maman died,” said the girl curtly.

“But what about your grandparents? Didn’t they have any photos of their only child?”

“He demanded they burn all theirs as well,” Ellie replied bitterly.

Hilda was shocked to the core. What sort of man demands that parents destroy their beloved only child’s pictures? She could never have done that to her lost ones – it would have been like losing them all over again, obliterating even their memory. She needed their images. They reminded her she had been loved.

“They didn’t have many because they hadn’t a camera when she was small, but they had photos of when she married, of us all when I was a baby – but he demanded them all. Mémé was heartbroken at the time, but she managed to keep this one hidden and she gave it to me on my tenth birthday, not long before she died.” She stopped, staring hard at the photo, then whispered, “But I had to make sure he never saw it – or he would have taken it away from me.”

She raised eyes full of tragedy to Hilda, who yet again roundly cursed the man for his cold and callous disregard for his own flesh and blood. Grief and pain were really no excuse at all. Hilda had an idea that his wife must have had a very great deal to say to him when she had seen him again, and none of it pleasant.

“Don’t you have a frame for it?” she asked softly, and Ellie shook her head. “Excuse me a moment, chérie. Finish your milk and I’ll be right back.”

She shot off the bed and through the door, leaving the girl gaping after her. Hilda made her way quickly to her room, muttering imprecations to herself the while. For the second time that day she had felt a flame of such pure rage burn up inside her that she had had to escape from the room, just as she had tried to escape from Mother Abbess earlier. Normally so full of mercy and compassion, Hilda could find not one jot of either for Sister Patricia’s brother. The man had not deserved such a beautiful daughter! Nor, indeed, such a beautiful wife!

Once in her room, her rage fizzled out as quickly as it had ignited. She picked up the photo frame on her bedside table and looked down into Nell’s laughing face. How could she possibly have burned this? “You don’t mind, do you, dear? It’s about the right size,” she said out loud to the empty room.

You’re so angry you’d do it anyway, whatever I said. Truly righteous anger, my girl, and don’t you ever feel guilty about it. Ellie deserved better, a lot better – which is why she has you now. Go spoil her, as only you know how. We knew we could count on you.

Hilda smiled tenderly as she removed the photo, touching Nell’s face gently as she did so. She would buy Ellie a pretty frame in London, but this would do for tonight. The girl could display the photo proudly and without fear. She would see her mother watching over her. It occurred to Hilda that Ellie must have shown it to no one else or certainly her aunt, or someone, would have produced a frame. Hilda felt very moved that she should have been the one chosen to see it.

What she found when she re-entered the room almost had her running out again in tears. Ellie had turned on the overhead light and was standing before the mirror, holding the photo close beside her face. She was looking from the photo to her own reflection in the mirror and back again, scrutinising both, searching for similarities. Her eyes met Hilda’s in the mirror and they were full of a desperate hunger. Hilda moved swiftly to put her arms round the girl in comfort, and they stood gazing at each other in the mirror.

Ellie, even in her distress, saw the compassion in Hilda’s gentle eyes and the remnants of anger in her face. She put up a hand to touch Hilda’s cheek in a sort of wonder, and her words told Hilda how much this girl had already grown.

“Madame! Please don’t look so sad. You’re thinking of me, aren’t you, even though you have such loneliness in your own heart? How can this be?”

“I love you, Ellie,” answered Hilda with great simplicity. “If I could take your pain on my own shoulders, I would do so. But I can’t. All I can do is help you bear it.”

Ellie stared up at her, all her soul in her lovely eyes, then laid her head on Hilda’s breast trustfully. “I asked you last night to teach me how to love,” she murmured. “Is that what it is – to think always of others and want to help them?”

Hilda drew her closer, unable to say anything for a moment or two. How Ellie pulled at her heartstrings, in a way no other girl had ever done. She laid her cheek on the soft hair and closed her eyes. When she finally summoned words, the beautiful voice seemed spun out of gossamer and moonbeams.

“All I know, child, is that Jesus told us to love one another as He loved us. It’s not very often He asks us to give up our life for others, but loving as He did might mean carrying someone’s burden for them for a while, at not inconsiderable cost to oneself. It might mean caring all one’s life for a sick child or an ailing spouse. But if there is real love, then it is done cheerfully and wholeheartedly, in the main. More often that not, however, nothing heroic at all is required. Loving as He did can sometimes be as simple as offering someone your smile, or giving them a drink, or a pat of encouragement on the shoulder, or a lift with their prep – just little acts of kindness that leave others feeling better.”

Empty your cup for others and it will always be full. Break yourself open for others and you will become whole. (Lloyd Ogilvie)

Ellie felt Mother Abbess had given her a much better definition of what love was than the words Hilda had just quoted. Hilda will give you her smile when she wants to weep; she will give you her time when she needs it for herself; she will give you her strength when she is at her weakest; she will lift you up when she is as low as it is possible to be – and she would give you her life if it would save or protect you.

Those words spoke of a love she was not sure she could ever aspire to – she was too selfish. They also spoke of a love she knew she did not deserve. How could anyone love her, la petite Eléanor Drake, like that?

#214:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 9:07 pm
    —
I really really really want to hug both Ellie and Hilda now. But I'll just hug you instead Mary (((hugs))) and say Thank You for another wonderful installment.

#215:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 9:37 pm
    —
Now had we known the whole story then we wouldn't have been so understanding, Mary - now - no, definitely not. Can fully understand and concur with Hilda's thoughts of rage - how dare the man do that to his wife's parents?


Love that Ellie feels MA's definition of love to be the best. Laughing

Thank you.

#216:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:07 pm
    —
OK, I know I said I could understand Ellie's father destroying all the photos of his wife that he had in his own possession, but hadn't quite realised he had also demanded his parents-in-law give them their own so he could destroy those, too - I can quite see why Hilda became so incandescent with rage, as well as being overwhelmed with her love for Ellie and desire to protect her. It speaks much of the relationship which has sprung up between them that Hilda was the first person to whom Ellie had shown the photo, too. And I'm quite sure Nell 'approved' of her borrowing that frame.


And I loved MA's definition for Ellie of Hilda's love - I can quite see why Ellie would prefer this to Hilda's own defining quotation.

Like Wheelchairprincess, I'd like to hug both Hilda and Ellie at this juncture - and to hug you too, Mary, for sharing their story with us. I look forward to seeing it continue to unfold. Thank you.

#217:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 12:29 am
    —
Kathy_S wrote:
at least he has more excuse

I take it back. When you throw in threatening his wife's parents, it's thoroughly inexcusable.

Thank goodness for Hilda.

#218:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 12:45 am
    —
His pain I understand, but the selfishness that demands that others share and give in to it - no, I don't. What a sad and tiny soul...and I'm sure that his wife had a lot to say to him!

And Nell would wholly approve of that photo frame - and it's a measure of just how much Ellie trusts Hilda that she is the first one to see her treasured photo.

Hilda's definition of love is good - but MA's definition of love as Hilda practises it is so much better:
Quote:
Hilda will give you her smile when she wants to weep; she will give you her time when she needs it for herself; she will give you her strength when she is at her weakest; she will lift you up when she is as low as it is possible to be – and she would give you her life if it would save or protect you.
And we have eseen her do all of these things . . .

Thank you Mary.

#219:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 12:48 am
    —
Yes, I agree with everyone else, a reaction which seemed understandable and excusable, if flawed and cruel to Ellie, when it concerned only himself becomes unforgivable when extended to others who have an equal right to love and cherish in remembrance. I wonder why his parents-in-law allowed him to bully them like that and didn't just tell him to mind his own business over their possessions!

Righteous anger from Hilda, indeed, and she is prepared to sacrifice the frame of Nell's beloved photo to give Ellie the opportunity to validate her love for and relationship with her mother by publicly displaying what she has had to keep hidden for all this time.

Loved Ellie searching for the resemblance (almost feel it serves her father right!), and it was good to be reminded of MA's definition of love as exemplified by Hilda. Lovely.

#220:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 10:26 am
    —
Mary,
I am back online and catching up as fast as I can, and this has reduced me to tears yet again. Poor Ellie. Crying or Very sad

I could understand if her father had just put them all away out of sight, that would make sense, till he could cope with his grief, but to destroy them all ? Evil or Very Mad

When my first husband left me and the children, I was distraught and so very angry with him.
Despite this, I never thought of destroying the photos of him, for at the end of the day he remains the father of my elder children and one day the photos will belong to them.
How could I destroy photos of us all on family holidays , special occasions etc just because he was in them too ?

I admit to putting them all away for a few months till I had calmed down, but they are all still there in the albums.

Time for more chocolate......... Confused

#221:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 2:52 pm
    —
Oh Mary, as a whole this left me stunned, scrabbling for the words to describe what I was feeling. Yet in parts, there are things that stand out.

For a start, I have nothing to do with Ellie's fathers behaviour - let him be anathema! (hmmm, seems I have been reading too much church history!)

And Poor Ellie, having to keep that one treasure guarded so vigelently, in the fear that one day it would simply no longer exist.

I don't wonder at Hilda leaving the room to vent some of her fury. But her next act of compassion is so wonderful. Truely beauty does come from the ashes, or it will, when Hilda has the chance to turn over her gift.

I loved the idea that the reason Ellie was with Hilda now was due to her deserving so much more than she had got so far, and that Hilda was the one being entrusted with giving her what she needed.

What a lovely trust it is that Ellie showed to Hilda, yet another proof of the bond growing between these two - and at last Ellie is to have a frame, one for 'just now' and the promise of another to come.

How like a child is Ellies action though - having been told she looks like her mother, she wants to see that resemblence. Not only so that she knows it's there, but surely it will provide comfort when the time comes.

I love Hilda's quiet and sincere answer to Ellie, when she tells her not to be so upset for her. It is stunning in its beauty.

The last few paragraphs are wonderful. I love Ellies thoughts on the matter. OK so she feels MA has a better analogy, but then, it wouldn't be Hilda to describe herself that way! I guess it's also the place that Ellie is at - the idea of being whole, having broken yourself is quite a difficult one, even if it is simply saying the same thing that MA told her.

Thank you Mary.

#222:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 7:17 pm
    —
I can understand why he did it - but that doesn't make it right. To have deprived Ellie, not to mention her grandparents, of their memories in that way is unforgivable. I'm so pleased Hilda is there to show Ellie how many memories she has, even without realising. And I'm sure Nell wouldn't mind about the frame - indeed, she'd probably have done the same herself, given how kind she was to Jacynth when her aunt died. I love the conversations between Nell and Hilda in the last few posts, particularly the metaphorical rude faces!

Ellie is such an endearing character, and the relationship developing between her and Hilda really is heartwarming. Everything Hilda says to her in these last two posts has been full of such love and understanding that I can't imagine anything more right than them making it 'official'. And the descriptions of love, not only from Hilda but from others too, are so simple and beautiful and thought-provoking... I think I might print those bits out to come back to.

I could have quoted so much out of these two sections, but the line that stands out (for me) as being utterly beautiful is this:

Quote:
Ellie stared up at her, all her soul in her lovely eyes...

So simple, but so exquisite.

Merci, cherie.

#223:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:03 pm
    —
Identity Hunt wrote:
When my first husband left me and the children, I was distraught and so very angry with him. Despite this, I never thought of destroying the photos of him, for at the end of the day he remains the father of my elder children and one day the photos will belong to them.
How could I destroy photos of us all on family holidays , special occasions etc just because he was in them too.

Sian, how very brave you are. Thank you so much for sharing that with us - it can't have been easy to open up.

And may I thank all of you for the lengthy comments on that piece? Wink

The gifts Hilda gives to Ellie in this next piece are courtesy of Cath and her drabble *Return*. You and I seem to be doing a lot of mixing and matching at the moment, Cath. Laughing


...... How could anyone love her, la petite Eléanor Drake, like that?

Unaware of the thoughts swirling around in Ellie’s head, Hilda held her close a little longer, but then whispered in her ear, “I seem to remember asking a certain young lady to get herself into bed. What are we doing standing here, letting you get cold?”

Ellie giggled but made no move to leave the loving arms. Instead she raised glowing eyes to her new guardian. “Merci mille fois for this evening, for being here and helping,” she whispered. “I make you another promise, Madame. I will do my very best to love like that – but you must make a promise too. Promise you will help me, show me how, for I am only a very small and selfish infant in the school of loving others. Mère, she told me there was no one who loved as you do, that you have influenced everyone in this convent.”

Hilda stared down at her in bemusement. “But that’s just not true, chérie. Mother is exaggerating wildly, out of her own great love for me. I only do what I can, child. After all, why else are we put on this earth? To live for oneself leads only to unhappiness, as I seem to remember telling you on Christmas Eve. ” Ellie nodded. She recalled those words very well, but living with Hilda so closely was reinforcing their message.

“Into bed with you,” said Hilda firmly, breaking the spell, for she was not fond of hearing compliments about herself. Ellie obediently turned and slipped into bed. Hilda handed her the rapidly cooling drink while she fitted the photo into the frame and set it on the cabinet. Ellie stared at it, and then looked joyfully at Hilda.

“Is that why you rushed from the room before?” she asked, and Hilda nodded as Ellie reached out to touch the frame. “Thank you so much. One of these days I will repay all your many kindnesses, Madame.”

“There is no need to repay anything, Ellie,” answered Hilda softly. “Now, have you finished that drink?”

Ellie showed her the empty cup and placed it on the bedside cabinet – and then gaped as Hilda moved to the door and picked up the objects she had left on the floor there as she came in. She sat beside Ellie, placing one on the floor at her feet, and looking down at the other one in her hands. It was a brightly wrapped package but she seemed to be searching for the right words.

“Madame?” said the girl questioningly, rousing Hilda from her thoughts.

Hilda smiled at Ellie. “You said you have a great need to belong, chérie. And I told you that we now belong to each other. This.....this package is a way of sealing that bond. It contains something much cherished by my friend Nell. I’m giving it to you because I would so like Nell to be part of the bond that unites us. I want you to know that when you accept me as your guardian, you will be getting Nell as well. You are part of both of us now, and both of us will watch over you, along with your aunt Patricia.”

Ellie felt rather in awe of the grave tenderness in Hilda’s voice and she reached out to touch the package delicately. “Wouldn’t she mind that you have given it to me? After all, it’s yours now – surely she would want you to keep it in memory of her.”

Hilda smiled radiantly. “No, Ellie, she doesn’t mind at all.”

If Ellie noticed the present tense, she gave no sign, just sat staring down at the parcel when Hilda placed it in her hands. Taking a deep breath, sensing somehow how important this was to Hilda, she very carefully untied the gold ribbon and peeled back the starry blue paper – to stare in unfeigned rapture at what lay within.

“Madame, she is enchanting.” Her voice vibrated with wonder. “But she seems so fragile – I’m scared to touch her.”

“She is fragile, Ellie,” whispered Hilda. “She must be nearly fifty years old. She’s been much loved all her life, until last April – but then I hid her away, along with all Nell’s other belongings, because they reminded me too much of what I had lost. Suddenly, though, she and you have given me the courage to bring them out into the light, which is good, for they need to be treasured as she treasured them.” Her eyes were a limpid blue as they shone on Ellie. “This comes to you with all our love, ma petite.”

Greatly daring, Ellie lifted the rag doll carefully from the paper and inspected her. It was then that Hilda herself got a shock. It had not occurred to her as she was wrapping the doll, but the similarity to Ellie was so overpowering that the world dissolved around her in a shimmering haze for a moment. Did you realise, my Nell? Is this why you wanted her to have this lovely gift? It’s too much of a coincidence otherwise….

“She could have been modelled on you, Ellie,” she whispered joyously as she pointed out the doll’s startlingly blue eyes and the black hair lying in fat plaits over her shoulders. “If we plaited your hair like that…”

Ellie nodded absent-mindedly. She was too busy examining the clothes, lifting the skirts of the little doll’s dress to find creamy, lawn underskirts trimmed with dainty lace and pintucks - and on the feet, tiny black shoes with shiny buttons. She smoothed the dress down again and beamed at Hilda. “Madame, moi, I have never, but never, owned anything so perfect in my whole life,” she murmured. “Her face – her dress ….”

Words failed her and she hugged the doll to her and closed her eyes in bliss. Hilda smiled in understanding. “I’m so pleased you like her, Ellie, my darling. I think she needed someone to give her a big hug like that.”

She reached out to smooth a finger down the red velvet dress, which was matched by the red ribbons securing the ends of the plaits. A black sash was tied in a big bow round the waist. “I think this is the dress she wore when she was first given to Cherry, but there are others somewhere. I’ll try and find them for you.”

She thought of Nell’s great love for her younger sister. “Cherry-red,” she whispered, something in her tone prompting Ellie to open her eyes. Hilda continued quietly, “A cherry-red dress for Cherry, Nell’s younger sister. She was given the doll on her third birthday – and she died when she was just sixteen.”

Ellie stared, frightened by the coincidence. “My age?” she whispered. Death was once more rearing its ugly head, when all she wanted to do was hug the happiness of this night to her.

Hilda nodded. “Yes, ma chérie, your age. And her death grieved Nell’s parents so much that they died shortly afterwards, and Nell was left all alone in her early twenties. It took her a long while to recover, for they were a very close and happy family. She was changed forever by it, as you and I have been.”

#224:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:17 pm
    —
Very courageous of Hilda to give the doll to Ellie - and I loved the little comment about Nell in the present tense - Nell is still very much 'alive' isn't she? Just on a different plane.

Thanks Mary

#225:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:21 pm
    —
Oh Mary... Yet again you have gone beyond expectation... How can I manage to comment on this? I do not know, but I shall indeed try.

I just love the way that you have Hilda and Ellie chatting about bed! Hilda has remembered her comments has she? And of course Ellie would be quite content to stay safe in Hilda's arms, regardless of instructions to the contrary.

Oh Ellie, you are so contented with so little. you have little idea of all that Hilda has in store for you - and I am sure that this does not just refer to tonight.

And then we come to the photo frame... Understanding dawns, and Ellie is quiet, but excited all at once. This is a gift in the right place.

After a touch more 'family life' we come to the next surprise. I could imagine it feeling like Christmas, come unexpectedly, with just you and a few dear ones present. Like the appearence of 'father christmas' in the narnia adaptation! Or an extra birthday, shared just between the two of them.

And what a wonderful way for Hilda to put it to her. Yet again she finds just the right words to explain her meaning, and one is left marvelling at her tender care for Ellie. Of course, little snippets of talk about Nell as if she is still alive will be accepted for now.

The present scene... I just don't have the words for it Mary. It is possible, that for me, it needs to be left unclothed. like virgin snow, or a deep theological text, it is all the better for being left undiscussed. I did love the resemblence between Ellie and Cherry's doll.

I do hope that Ellie manages to come to terms with death though, it is something we all have to live with...

Thank you Mary

#226:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:58 pm
    —
I too am somewhat lost for words here, just enchanted by this scene and all that lies both within and behind it. In giving the doll to Ellie, Hilda nas not only given her something she will always cherish, but has ensured that both Cherry and Nell's memories will endure through another generation.

It is truly heartwarming to see how Hilda is now beginning to be able to look at Nell's things with at least some equanimity, especially when spurred on by Ellie's needs - once again showing us that underneath it all, her progress through her grieving is continuing, however slowly. But I think what I am also taking away from this scene is the idea of continuity from generation to generation.

Thanks Mary

#227:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 10:36 pm
    —
Oh, that was lovely Mary. To see Ellie so wrapped around by love and caring, and appreciating that Hilda has given her so much was very moving. And Ellie's love and tenderness towards Hilda not only gives hilda something that she appreciates in her turn, but allows her also to speak of Nell, Nell who will be Ellie's guardian just as much as Hilda and Sr Patricia and who "doesn't mind at all" about the doll.

And Ellie now knows about Cherry, so Cherry, as well as Nell will be remembered, which is as it should be.

Thank you Mary. And especially thank you for realising Persephone so beautifully! Same universe, different branches, I think.

#228:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 11:10 pm
    —
I love the way Nell and the important parts of her life are being weaved into Hilda and Ellie's relationship so as their memories are kept alive by those who didn't know of them before Nell's death.

#229:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 12:20 am
    —
It must have been so hard to stop owning that most loved relic of Nell's, and to entrust it to Ellie's care. Yet it doesn't feel hard. The process of going and getting it was, but Hilda seems almost joyful now, and the willingness to separate herself from the doll has actually brought Ellie, herself and Nell into a union which can only make more vivid Nell's presence in Hilda's life.

#230:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 7:19 am
    —
How brave indeed of Hilda, to part with one of Nell`s most precious and treasured possessions !
Yet it is in giving away our greatest treasures, freely and without reservation, that we gain the most in return, as Hilda knows so well.

Love that is shared expands and grows ten thousand-fold; love that is hoarded, boxed and chained will warp and twist, wither and eventually die.........

Hilda and Ellie are building almost unbreakable bonds of love during these weeks, which can only be damaged by selfishness and greed. Ellie must surely be counting all her blessings in having Hilda - and Nell- as her guardians, as well as having her aunt.

Lovely, Mary !

#231:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:09 am
    —
If you could only see the satisfied expression on my face... That was lovely! It's as if the love and happiness radiating from Hilda and Ellie (not to mention Nell Wink ) encircles the reader and makes them feel happy and loved too. *sigh*

Quote:
Promise you will help me, show me how, for I am only a very small and selfish infant in the school of loving others.

No, you're not, Ellie - you're doing so well in the face of very unfavourable odds!

I can see that beautiful doll so clearly, in every detail. It's so lovely to think that Ellie's family is growing and growing - Hilda, Nell, Cherry - and that their memory will live on through her in return.

Oh, I feel all warm and happy now!
Merci, cherie.

#232:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 9:34 pm
    —
.....Hilda nodded. “Yes, ma chérie, your age. And her death grieved Nell’s parents so much that they died shortly afterwards, and Nell was left all alone in her early twenties. It took her a long while to recover, for they were a very close and happy family. She was changed forever by it, as you and I have been.”

Ellie was all eyes as she listened. She was learning, and learning fast, that she was not the only one to have suffered. Did everyone have a secret sorrow tucked away somewhere?

Hilda leaned down and picked up the item she had placed on the floor beside her. “You’ve seen the picture your aunt painted with Nell in it. You’ve seen the photo by my bed, so you have some idea of what Nell looks like.” Hilda held out the photo frame in her hands. “But this is a photo of Cherry – the last one taken of her, just before she died.”

Ellie took it and stared down at the pale and delicate-looking girl with the cloud of dark hair and the huge grey eyes. “She’s beautiful,” she whispered.

Hilda nodded wistfully. “She had Nell’s eyes - such wonderful, luminous, intelligent eyes.”

“How did she die?”

“Pneumonia,” responded Hilda curtly. She watched Ellie gazing down at the photograph, a rapt expression on her face and her head cocked, as though she was listening to something beyond the ken of mortal ear. An idea popped into Hilda’s head and she spoke softly. “Ellie, petite, would you like to keep the photo? It seems to me that perhaps Cherry belongs with her doll.”

Now where had that idea come from, she wondered. Ellie raised her head and frowned. “But – don’t you want this beautiful treasure, Madame? After all, I didn’t know Cherry, or your friend .”

“Neither did I know Cherry,” answered Hilda in a soft murmur. “All I know about her is what Nell told me. And no, please, child, don’t fret – Nell wants you to have it. Cherry’s doll, Cherry’s photo. They belong together, as Nell and I belonged together, as you and I now belong together. Maybe Nell is showing you, once more, that you are part of us now, forever. She loves Cherry and she loves you.”

Ellie held the doll in one hand and the photo in the other hand and gave Hilda a very old-fashioned look. Seeing the steadfastness in Hilda’s eyes, however, she glanced around the room, before bestowing that look again on Hilda. “She’s here, isn’t she?” she murmured. “Your friend – she’s talking to you.”

Hilda nodded gravely, while inside she was dying to laugh. This was ridiculous. Nell, have you no shame at all? First Mother Abbess and now Ellie - what will she think of me?

She’ll just adore you even more, lovely girl.

But I don’t want to be adored, dear heart. I just want to be loved. I want what you and I had.

What we still have, forever and always, my Hilda. And she will change towards you as she grows and matures.

I hope so, dear one. It’s so uncomfortable being adored. But, tell me, why are you being so verbose tonight? Frightened of being left out?


She heard that mocking laughter again and shrugged good-humouredly, catching Ellie’s eyes as the girl gave her that look again. Almost as though I’m a naughty child, thought Hilda.

“Does it bother you, Ellie? That I can hear her?” she asked neutrally, wondering what on earth the girl was going to say or do next. She was such a quixotic mixture – a child one minute, almost a woman the next.

Ellie shook her head. “I hear pépé sometimes, giving me advice,” she said matter-of-factly, than asked abruptly, “Does your friend like me?”

Hilda nodded again and wondered if it was tiredness talking. This whole conversation was becoming completely surreal. “I’ve told you, petite, she loves you very much. She was the one who suggested the doll and the photo. I don’t think she wanted them hidden away any longer.”

Ellie’s attention returned to the doll. “What’s she called?”

Hilda grinned impishly. “I hope you know your Greek legends, child. Cherry named her Persephone.”

“Per-seph-on- e,” enunciated Ellie slowly, her French accent very much in evidence as she stumbled over the name. She fell silent and Hilda waited. Ellie straightened the red dress, smoothed the black plaits. Finally she peeped up at Hilda shyly. “Do you think your friend would mind very much if we changed her name?”

Hilda gave it some thought. “Because you find it difficult to pronounce?” she asked. Silence was the only response, and her voice was grave when she spoke again. “I think Persephone might mind, chérie.”

That got Ellie’s attention, as Hilda had intended. The girl raised startled eyes, to see that her guardian’s face was as grave as her voice had been. No joke, then!

“She’s nearly fifty years old, Ellie. Maybe she’s got used to the name.”

“You speak as if she’s real.” Ellie’s voice was filled with sheer amazement.

Hilda’s face relaxed into a tender smile. “I think she is real to me, child. She meant so much to Nell because of Cherry. And because she always sat on Nell’s bed, for me she is part of Nell. And I know Nell often poured out to her the things that were troubling her.” She touched the red dress gently. “She’s been hugged and loved so much that she’s had to be mended several times. She reminds me of the children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit.”

She fell silent. “Tell me, Madame,” prompted Ellie, enthralled at this eccentric side to her guardian’s character, one she would never have imagined existed.

“It’s all about a toy rabbit who asks what it means to be Real. I can’t promise to remember the exact words –

“Real is a thing that happens to you,” said the Skin Horse. “When a child loves you for a long, long time, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Horse. “But when you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once?”

“It takes a long time. You become. By the time you are Real most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand….. It lasts for always.” (Margery Williams)


As the lovely voice died away, one could have heard a pin drop in that room. Ellie kept very still, as still as the slumbering silver tabbies. Hilda was far away in another place and time.

Abruptly, a soft sigh shattered the listening silence. “I think Nell made me Real, Ellie, for I had been sad and lonely for so long when I met her. But she gave me sunshine and laughter in her long years of loving me. She saw no ugliness in me, only beauty. And that is a great gift, child. She understood me, even when I didn’t understand myself – and she tells me our love will last for ever. That we will be even more Real when we meet again in the final Reality of God……”

She gazed blindly before her, her eyes washed grey by tears...

#233:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 9:59 pm
    —
Oh Hilda have more faith in yourself - you speak as though you were nothing without Nell - not true. Both of you were independent, complete people - you then discovered someone that complemented you, that was your true partner. But don't ever fall into the trap of thinking that without her you are nothing. Crying or Very sad



Thanks Mary.

#234:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:03 pm
    —
Oh dear - once again, I'm sitting here torn between laughter and tears - joy and delight over Ellie's receipt of the doll and the photo, and the rationale behind why the name Persephone should remain even though her new owner has trouble pronouncing it, laughter at some of Nell's comments (can just hear her making most of them) and bitter-sweet feelings over those last few sentences. But what a wonderful roller-coaster of a ride it was, and how right for Ellie to learn so clearly just what joy Nell had brought into Hilda's life - which can never be extinguished, even through her death, and which now she, Ellie, can also share, if only vicariously through Hilda's memories and Nell's own treasures.

Thanks, Mary.

#235:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:55 pm
    —
Oh Mary, that was wonderful. I thought Ellie might understand Nell's being present in the room. And look at her, finding it harder to believe that Persephone might mind her name being changed than to believe in Nells presence. I love her child like acceptance of it as something which happens to be the case - and I love the way she admits to finding Pepe giving her advice some of the time.

I love the unexpected gift of Cherry's photograph - the links between Ellie and Nell, and Nells family become stronger by the day. And how astute Ellie is. Indeed, everyone does tend to have a secret sorrow to tuck away, though it may not happen to them immediately of course.

And Poor Hilda, that her first thought would be along the lines of what Ellie would think of her... Shows how close she has come to Ellie. I also love hte htought that Nell might feel left out. Though Hilda has no option, Ellie is going to adore her whatever she would like herself.

I also wonder about 'poor Ellie' as she asks Hilda if her 'friend' likes Ellie. Of course, there could be no question as to Nell not liking her, but there must be the slight anxiety in her mind as she asks it - detached though she appears to be. Perhaps she has not thought about it.

Like Elder, I think Hilda's rational as to why Persephones name should not be changed was wonderful, and the analogy as to much loved cuddlys becoming 'real' is just lovely. And yes, if loving makes cuddlys 'real', being loved and loving others must make humans 'more real' as well, and as God is the author of love, we can never be more real than when we go to be with him.

Some beautiful food for thought. Thank you Mary.

#236:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:57 pm
    —
Oh that shift from gentle humour to tears again..... I loved the way that Ellie was so matter of fact about Nell's presence and participation. And why not, if she hears her grandfather's voice? He will be watching over her, just as Nell watches over Hilda.

Cherry does belong with her doll, and how very fitting to keep them together with Ellie. I hope Ellie now understands about being Real, (and yes Persephone would mind!) and what a beautiful compliment to Nell:
Quote:
I think Nell made me Real, Ellie, for I had been sad and lonely for so long when I met her. But she gave me sunshine and laughter in her long years of loving me. She saw no ugliness in me, only beauty. And that is a great gift
. Perhaps they each made one another Real-er, if I may phrase it that way?

Thank you Mary.[/img]

#237:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 11:56 pm
    —
I wasn't going to come on the board tonight. I was happily sitting here chatting on MSN and writing my NaNo project when my e-mail pinged with the update notification for this and I couldn't stay away!

Wonderful update as always, Mary. Loved the bit where Ellie understood about Nell talking to Hilda!

#238:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 12:10 am
    —
There are such a lot of revelations for Ellie here. Finding that Hilda is talking to Nell, and accepting it because of her own awareness of her grandfather’s presence (nothing wrong with surreal!). Being given Cherry’s photo, and the permanent bonding that implies. Learning about the ‘is-ness’ of precious objects, and that they are in trust to be preserved and honoured, not changed. Learning yet more about Nell and her friendship with Hilda:
Quote:
She understood me, even when I didn’t understand myself

The final piece about becoming more Real in the greater Reality of God reminded me of Charles Williams, and the theories of Heaven containing the true archetypes of reality, and earthly things (beauty, love etc) just being pale representations. More or less what Hebrews is saying, too, I guess!

#239:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 6:17 am
    —
Oh, that was lovely. And what a perfect incorporation of The Velveteen Rabbit. Very Happy

#240:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 6:41 am
    —
Mary,
If I cry any more into my early morning cup of tea, it is going to taste disgusting ! Rolling Eyes

I alternated between laughter, delight and outright tears with this post. An amazing piece of interaction between the THREE of them, and a delight, as always.

It`s a good thing Ellie is a reserved little soul, for I could just imagine the reaction at school if folk knew Nell was talking to Hilda ........ Shocked

#241:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 4:33 pm
    —
I want this to be a book so I can curl up in bed with it: that section would make the most perfect comfort reading ever. It's like a hug on paper - well, screen! And it would go very well with a well loved bear Wink

Nell knew what she was doing, didn't she? To take the decision to tell Ellie out of Hilda's hands stopped her from agonizing about it, and Ellie's calm acceptance will comfort Hilda. Nell's part in these last episodes is so lovely - and loving.

Quote:
Abruptly, a soft sigh shattered the listening silence. “I think Nell made me Real, Ellie, for I had been sad and lonely for so long when I met her. But she gave me sunshine and laughter in her long years of loving me. She saw no ugliness in me, only beauty.

Aw! *sniff*

Beautiful ideas and beautifully realised, as ever.
Merci, cherie.

#242:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 9:03 pm
    —
Identity Hunt wrote:
It`s a good thing Ellie is a reserved little soul, for I could just imagine the reaction at school if folk knew Nell was talking to Hilda ........ Shocked

Don't put such shocking ideas in her head, Sian! Shocked And, Kathryn - perfect comfort reading? A hug on paper? Laughing Thank you so much for such lovely compliments, but... Embarassed

Indeed, thanks to all of you for saying such nice things about this conversation with Ellie, but I'm afraid we've come to the end of it.


"..... She understood me, even when I didn’t understand myself – and she tells me our love will last for ever. That we will be even more Real when we meet again in the final Reality of God……”

She gazed blindly before her, her eyes washed grey by tears. Suddenly, she felt something being placed in her arms. Looking down she saw she was holding Persephone. Puzzled, she turned her eyes to Ellie – and saw tears sliding down the girl’s cheeks. Hilda placed the palm of her hand gently against a wet cheek.

“Ellie, why have you given her back to me?” she whispered.

“You loved your friend so much, Madame,” sobbed the girl quietly. “You must keep this memory of her.”

Hilda swiftly pulled herself together. This young girl teased the hidden thoughts out far too easily – she had never meant to talk about all that Nell had been to her, all that Nell had done for her.

“Not so, ma petite. I don’t need this to remind me of Nell, I assure you. Persephone is yours now – yours and your children’s,” and she placed the doll back carefully in Ellie’s arms, arms which closed immediately round it possessively.

Hilda wiped away the girl’s tears, and then her own, with the palm of her hand. “Treasure her, as both Nell and Cherry treasured her – and I will be happy. And thank you, chérie, for caring enough to want to return her. But we are family now, so we can share her. No more loneliness.”

She cupped the damp face gently in her hands and kissed Ellie on the forehead. She then took the photo of Cherry and placed it beside the other photo. “Your two guardian angels, child,” she murmured softly.

“I have more than that, Madame,” whispered Ellie, holding Hilda’s hand. “I am very lucky. I have maman and Cherry, but I also have you and your friend and my marraine – five angels.”

Hilda was delighted to hear Ellie include her aunt in that list. “Have you room for two more, Ellie?” she asked very quietly. Ellie’s eyes widened and she nodded. “I think we should include Mother Abbess and Miss Knowles in that cohort of angels, n’est-ce pas? For each of them has been very good to you and will always stand your friend.”

Ellie’s eyes took on that starry look they had held a little earlier. “I am not alone, am I, Madame?” she whispered.

Hilda shook her head and turned her hand to squeeze Ellie’s lovingly. “No, petite, we will try so hard to make sure you don’t ever feel alone again. The bad times will still come, but lean on us, all of us. You belong to us all now, chérie.”

Ellie thought back to what Madame had said the night before, about love stretching one’s heart. It was true – there was room in her heart for all these kind people, and she was learning to trust that they meant every word they said. She had been lost, and now she was found.

Hilda watched the vivid sapphire eyes and saw the thoughts swirling there. This poor girl had had enough tonight to topple a prize fighter and yet she was still upright, still listening, still learning – though one could see that at last the milky drink was taking effect.

But there was something still nagging away at Hilda. “Tell me, child – when you first held that photo of Cherry, I had the impression you were hearing something.”

Ellie stared at her thoughtfully. “I heard laughing,” she finally admitted shyly. “Like a child’s laughter. And a voice calling my name…..” She stopped, reflected. “No, not just my name, but Persephone’s as well. Someone was calling us to go and play.”

Just as Nell did, in that dream I had on Boxing Day when we flew the kites, Hilda thought to herself – and felt the hairs on the back of her neck standing up. Nell, this is becoming scary. I don’t believe in such things. Neither do you!

Fear not, my Hilda. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

The beloved contralto voice faded, and so too did Hilda’s agitation, as she let the words of Julian of Norwich seep into her heart. She looked at Ellie again, about to answer her, but saw that the girl’s eyes were closing of their own accord. She rose to her feet, very gently lifted the covers and helped Ellie wriggle further down the bed so she was lying comfortably, and then tucked her in, Persephone clutched close in her arms. The cats re-arranged themselves against her legs.

She went to the door, clicked off the overhead light, and returned to kneel by the bed. She stroked Ellie’s forehead and the heavy eyelids lifted. Ellie smiled up at Hilda, all her love for this gentle woman reflected in her eyes, and Hilda bent to kiss the white cheek tenderly.

“Remember, you belong to all of us now, child – all your guardian angels.” Ellie lay looking at her. “We talked about Mère just now – you know she will always make time for you, don’t you? Those searching green eyes aren’t quite so scary now, are they?”

“No,” whispered the girl. “She treats me as an adult, even when I don’t behave like one, and tries to make me understand. I know I can trust her.”

“That’s good, child, for you can, believe me. I trust her with all my heart and soul,” murmured Hilda. “And with Mother and your marraine here in this Convent, you know you now have a home, not just a place to stay. For home is where they love you. So you not only belong to someone, darling, you also belong somewhere. They love me here too, and it is now my home as well.”

Ellie snuggled closer to Hilda, who continued to stroke her forehead. “And Ellie, Miss Knowles informed just this evening that you have become one of the dear presences in her life. She has come to love you very much and will be ready to help when you get to school.”

“Dear presences,” murmured Ellie, with a delighted smile. “Madame, but how beautiful! And will you tell her for me that she has become one of my own dear presences.”

“I promise, chérie, and you must promise to go to her when there are problems and I am not available.”

Ellie nodded sleepily and her heavy eyelids fell, the long black lashes lying like fans on the white cheeks. Hilda continued to stroke her forehead, and her lovely voice was poignant with unshed tears when she next spoke into the intense stillness of the room.

“And don’t forget le bon Dieu, my beautiful new ward. When you find no comfort with me or with anyone, when your loneliness is too intense to bear, remember He is there to shoulder your every burden. Our journey is a dark one, isn’t it, child, but some glorious light has been shed on my own path and I hope on yours now. God is there with us, even when we’re not aware of Him, and He wants us to trust in Him, trust that He knows the right direction for us to travel. For He is the journey, as well as the journey’s end -

Child of My love, fear not the unknown morrow,
Dread not the new demand life makes of thee;
Thy ignorance doth hold no cause for sorrow,
Since what thou knowest not is known to me,

Wherefore go gladly to the task assigned thee,
Having my promise, needing nothing more
Than just to know, where’er the future find thee,
In all thy journeying I go before.
(Anon)

#243:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 9:41 pm
    —
Shock for Hilda on hearing what Ellie had heard - no wonder she asked Nell what was happening. So good to see Ellie accepting that she has a home, and love that she can accept so many to watch over her - even though she has known them such a short time.


Thanks Mary.

#244:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 10:17 pm
    —
Such a beautiful ending to this section - it leaves me with a great sense of peace, serenity and thanksgiving for all that has been vouchsafed to Ellie in this exchange with Hilda. Talk about making sure she understands just how many guardian angels surround her and will care for her now and forever, as well as that final assurance that when she feels that all other supports may fail her, God will be watching and listening for her. From having nothing (or at least feeling that way) she now has had so much given to her. And I loved the way she instinctively offered Persephone back to Hilda when she realised she was upset, feeling she shouldn't take away something which meant so much to her.

But I must admit that the hair on my head, never mind on the nape of my neck, stood up when I realised that Ellie 'heard' not only Nell, but also, I think, Cherry, telling her to go and play with Persephone.

And how typical of Hilda to make sure that Ellie is, indeed, calmed down, comforted and soothed, regardless of how tired she herself may be. I hope that suitable action will be taken to remedy that!!!

Thank you Mary.

#245:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 10:50 pm
    —
Cherry and Ellie, playing and giggling and whispering secrets to one another....what a perfect picture. Perhaps Ellie will meet Cherry in her dreams....

What a lovely definition of home and what it will mean to Ellie;
Quote:
For home is where they love you. So you not only belong to someone, darling, you also belong somewhere.
And that is doubly reassuring for Ellie isn't it? Not only people who love her (and such wonderful people!) but a place that she can return to.

And that marvellous reassurance that above and beyond all this, is God, who is as Hilda puts it
Quote:
the journey, as well as the journey’s end
And Nell's own reassurance to Hilda, that all this is exactly as it should be...

Thank you Mary

#246:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:17 pm
    —
Oh Mary, this is one of those posts which works me up so much that i have to comment before I'm even half way through it!

I just loved the way that Ellie comes to know her guardian angels - so many of them. And that little impulsive act of returning Persephone... Oh Ellie, how understanding you can be at times, but how much you were giving up, as seen in the posessive gesture when Hilda returns her. No no, you keep her Ellie, she belongs with you.

And of course Ellie is not alone, she can never be alone, for as people we were made for relationships of all kinds, and while God will never leave her or forsake her, he will never leave her without people to love. Yes, she belongs to plenty of people in one way or another.


How glad I am that Ellie has found so many loving arms to hold her - and that they have become united in their love for her. Vivien especially must value her, and I am so glad that Ellie has got over her anxiety about facing MA.

I cannot form words around the end of that Mary, nor the poem, so I shall simply say thank you and, I hope that Ellie enjoys her time playing with Cherry and Persephone in her dreams.

#247:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:22 pm
    —
Quote:
Ellie thought back to what Madame had said the night before, about love stretching one’s heart. It was true – there was room in her heart for all these kind people, and she was learning to trust that they meant every word they said. She had been lost, and now she was found.
Rather a long quote, but summing up for me so much of what Ellie has been learning from Hilda, moving from frantic clinging to a realisation of a breadth of love, bringing awareness of home and belonging. She has so much to sustain her now, and so much that is outside of Hilda as well.

Mary, the final part of this post is such a paeon of trust and confidence in the all-knowing, all-loving care of God. You have written it, it is part of you, may it feed and comfort you as it does the reader.

#248:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 6:43 pm
    —
How wonderful - that Ellie could love Persephone enough to let her go, and that she loves Hilda enough to give her back something she thought would comfort her. But all manner of things *are* well, for Ellie realises the love that surrounds her now and the home which that love creates. And the more of Nell Hilda shares with Ellie, the more of herself she is sharing and the more Nell shares with Ellie too. Magical!

Hilda is also very sensibly steering Ellie in the direction of regarding the convent as home to her - Hilda - too, as well as encouraging her to consider what she would do if Hilda couldn't be there for her, as she began to do earlier. Doing this gently, as she has done, should help Ellie to accept it.

Quote:
Ellie’s eyes took on that starry look they had held a little earlier. “I am not alone, am I, Madame?” she whispered.

Aw!

And I must add this:

Quote:
The cats re-arranged themselves against her legs.

...because it's such a lovely touch, and so cat like! Completely unperturbed, they just adjust themselves a bit then carry on sitting there, giving comfort. Much like good friends, really.

Merci, cherie.

#249:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 9:19 pm
    —
[quote="Tara"]
Quote:
summing up for me so much of what Ellie has been learning from Hilda, moving from frantic clinging to a realisation of a breadth of love, bringing awareness of home and belonging. She has so much to sustain her now, and so much that is outside of Hilda as well.

Which is what Hilda has been trying to get her to see for days - relying on just one person can spell disaster.

I'm sorry this is so long - it would have been even longer but I split it in the end. Rolling Eyes



Mother Abbess tapped lightly on the door but received no answer. She frowned to herself and considered. Most unusually, Hilda had not turned up for Compline, nor had she been in Ellie’s room just now. She must be in her room, so why no answer? Asleep? Or….

Without more ado, she turned the handle soundlessly and slipped inside. The room was in total darkness, the moon hidden behind thick cloud. She stopped and listened – no sound of quiet breathing. Hilda was not in bed and asleep. She switched on the torch she always carried with her on her nightly rounds once the Great Silence had begun. Keeping it low to the ground she swept the light round the room – and almost jumped out of her skin. Eyes were gleaming at her out of the darkness!

Hilda was there after all. She was sitting in her armchair. Motionless. Her hands were lying in her lap, her head was resting against the back of the chair – and her eyes were staring sightlessly ahead. Could one sleep with one’s eyes wide open, wondered the nun to herself.

Deeply concerned and moving very carefully, Mother Abbess switched on the bedside lamp, noticing, as she did so, the photo of Nell lying there without its frame. Still there was no movement from Hilda. Still she stared straight ahead. The nun knelt at the side of the chair, leaning on the arm. What would be the result if she startled Hilda? She leaned close.

“Hilda,” she whispered. “Hilda, can you hear me?”

She reached out to hold one of Hilda’s hands. How cold it was! How long had she been sitting here like this? But the gentle voice and the touch of a warm hand seemed to bring Hilda back to life. Her eyes returned from wherever she had been, though her eyes were still remote and without warmth. She turned her head.

Mother Abbess spoke urgently. “Daughter, how long have you been sitting in the dark? You’re like a block of ice.”

Hilda sighed. “I don’t know. What time is it?”

“Compline has just finished. I was worried. You weren’t there.” The terse words told of her concern – and she was still concerned.

Hilda looked startled. “But the Silence has begun. You shouldn’t be talking. I’m sorry to….”

“Relax, daughter. This isn’t the first time we’ve talked in the night, is it? Remember those dreadful nightmares.” She took both Hilda’s cold hands and held them between her warm ones. “It’s written into our Rule that we may break the Silence if one of our guests is in need. As I think you are at the moment.”

Hilda closed her eyes and leaned her head back again, her voice a soft murmur. “I was just sitting here, thinking - about one man’s cruelty to his only daughter, and about another man who loves his daughters so much and is heartbroken at their pain. I was thinking how much unhappiness there is in the world. I know God never promised us fair, but sometimes it is just too much to bear. So much has happened in the last two days….”

“And your emotions are all out of kilter,” responded Mother Abbess, watching the still face rather like a cat watches a mouse hole. “But it’s not really surprising, is it? You’re still not fully recovered physically - and Patricia and I added to it all by dropping this guardianship on your shoulders, didn’t we? It wasn’t the right time but we had no choice. Did Ellie agree?”

All at once Hilda smiled, a most beautiful luminous smile that brought a lump to the nun’s throat. “Not at first. She was so afraid she was losing her aunt if she gained me. But in the end – oh, Mother, she seemed overwhelmed that I would want her for a ward.”

Mother Abbess smiled herself at the total surprise in Hilda’s voice – so unconscious was she of how much she meant to others.

Hilda looked at the nun. “We found a new bond, as well. Ellie was born on my mother’s birthday. Could I have a clearer sign that we are doing the right thing, that all this was meant to be?”

Mother Abbess squeezed one of the cold hands. That was something she had not expected. And it scared her. Yet she could not have explained why.

“And Nell was there,” murmured Hilda in a dreamy voice, her eyes still remote. “If I had reached out I could have touched her. The funny thing was, Ellie guessed – and wasn’t at all horrified or frightened. She seemed to accept it all quite naturally. Nell seems determined to convince you and Ellie that she exists.”

“Of course she exists, and of course she was there,” answered the nun with some asperity. “I told you the other night – she’s as vivid a presence here as you are. Catholic or no, I have a sneaking suspicion that when you are clothed as a nun, Nell will also demand a habit. What’s good enough for one is good enough for both. How on earth I control the pair of you, of course…”

Hilda gasped out loud, her eyes now very much returned to the here and now. “You can’t say such things. My father would have you drummed out of the Church.”

“Better men have tried, sweetheart – and failed miserably,” replied Mother Abbess tartly, patting Hilda’s hand. Hilda caught the warm hand and held it tight in both of hers.

“She made me open up my heart to Ellie – just as you keep telling me to do. She was really very chatty tonight. It was as though she was trying to help me help Ellie, for Ellie was….”

“Ellie was distraught, desperate for comfort. And you held her and gave her your strength. I know, daughter. Vivien told me, as did Pauline, who was very concerned about you, for you were there a long time. But I looked in on her just now and she is asleep, which is what you should be doing. You’re worn out.”

Her voice was rough with her love and concern for this determined, compassionate woman who would wear herself out for others. Hilda turned a pleading look on her, trying to make her understand.

“I had to stay with her, Mother. I’ll mend, but I couldn’t leave her till she was asleep. I seem to remember you telling me, when you were helping me through the nightmares and spending whole nights comforting me, that one day I would have to do the same for another. Consider Ellie this other – and try to understand I had to do it for her, just as you felt you had to do it for me.”

Mother Abbess leaned over and kissed Hilda gently. “I guess I can’t complain, can I? You’re only doing what comes naturally!” Hilda wrinkled up her nose. Mother Abbess ignored her and changed the subject. “I turned the cats out of the room, by the way. I would like to survive my next meeting with Sister Aiden. But I noticed Ellie had the doll clutched tightly in her arms. A great success, I take it?”

Hilda nodded, grimaced. “I’m so glad I put myself through that visit to the cellar earlier. It was…..hard. But worth all the pain it revived, for Ellie feels more settled and less alone now. She seems to have adopted Cherry as a sort of guardian angel, along with the rest of us.” She sighed suddenly, and her voice was passionate with outrage. “She showed me a photo of her mother, the only one she has. Can you believe that, Mother? Her father burned all their photos – and the child was scared to lose this one given to her by her grandmother. How does one forgive such heartlessness?”

“With difficulty, child,” said Mother Abbess sadly. “I saw the photo – and the frame,” and her eyes went to the photo of Nell lying on the little table. Hilda saw the glance.

“Nell doesn’t mind – she told me so. I’ll get Ellie a frame tomorrow in London.”

Mother Abbess looked into Hilda’s eyes and saw how calm they were. This evening had helped her, and brought her even closer to Ellie, even if it had also exhausted her. Which is just what I foretold to Vivien, said the nun to herself.

“Only you could have done what you did for Ellie tonight, sweetheart. But you know that, don’t you?” She saw Hilda did not deny it, and the nun nodded to herself. “No one else has ever been told much about her life, nor about the dreadful thing her father did – or not till now. You have such a gift, daughter, for reaching in and pulling out of sad hearts what it is that really hurts them. And you find somehow the means to heal that hurt. Ellie is blessed.”

“So am I, Mother, so very blessed, for I love her” whispered Hilda. “She is helping me so much, and somehow reinforcing all your teaching.”

“And what about your other problems?”

“”I can’t help Tessa at the moment, except by prayer,” sighed Hilda.

Mother Abbess shook her head – did the woman not realise what her flowers and her notes and her listening ear were doing for them all, over there in Boston? No, of course not! To Hilda, what she did for others was never enough!

Hilda continued unawares. “But Mireille I think I can help, and I have decided on a deputy head girl. You and Nell and Ellie, between you, seem to have cleared my head, resurrected some of my faith in myself.”

She fell quiet, and Mother Abbess knelt there patiently and waited. Now the Great Silence had begun, the stillness was only enhanced by such small sounds as the wooden floors cracking and creaking, the walls settling, and quiet feet pattering overhead. Hilda thought of the school, where silence was so rarely heard, where voices or bells or telephones assaulted one’s ears all day long, and peace only became a reality as everyone settled to sleep.

Here, when she entered, there would be great swathes of time where she would not have to talk at all, where silence would wrap her round and God would be close; great swathes of time where she would be able to hear her soul speak. But not yet - God still had work for her in her usual sphere, work that only she could do. And then there was Ellie......

#250:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 9:35 pm
    —
Oh Mary... I am stunned by the beauty of that conversation, and for the mostparts I was entirely held by the majesty of your writing. There was only one part I did more than breath as I read, and that was this bit here:

Quote:
"Better men have tried, sweetheart – and failed miserably,” replied Mother Abbess tartly


Then I couldn't help but laugh gently as I read, the rest of the time I was wrapped up in the spell of your words, that I didn't manage to do anything else.

As I said earlier, that was stunningly beautiful, and while I could look into the conversation in more depth, your writing says all that needs to be said for itself. I shall merely let myself return to it's peace, and read it through once more.

I await for tomorrows post with anticipation

Thanks Mary.

#251:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 9:58 pm
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Lovely Mary - though am afraid I laughed out loud at the thought of Nell in a habit! Laughing Wink

#252:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:08 pm
    —
Such a beautiful interchange between these two - and if Hilda is tired, who can be surprised, when we reflect on just how much has happened in the past two days, and how emotional it all has been, too. But I loved the description of it as a 'good' tiredness, not the deep, deep spiritual and physical exhaustion of other times. Surely another sign of healing, however slight.

Hopefully Hilda will be able to rest after this.

Thanks, Mary - will look forward to the conclusion of this.

#253:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:58 pm
    —
Quote:
Now the Great Silence had begun, the stillness was only enhanced by such small sounds as the wooden floors cracking and creaking, the walls settling, and quiet feet pattering overhead. Hilda thought of the school, where silence was so rarely heard, where voices or bells or telephones assaulted one’s ears all day long, and peace only became a reality as everyone settled to sleep.
Such a contrast here. How true that schools are inherently noisy and activity-obsessed places, and how powerfully the alternative world of silence at the convent is evoked. Quite good to remember that it's not like that all the time, but definitely a place where there is space to 'hear your soul speak'.

Thank you, Mary.

#254:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:19 am
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How much Hilda gave of herself to Ellie, and how much it has cost her. But she's right when she says:
Quote:
I seem to remember you telling me, when you were helping me through the nightmares and spending whole nights comforting me, that one day I would have to do the same for another. Consider Ellie this other....
, and MA understands that too well.

And how simple the acceptance of Nell's presence in the convent has been for both of them, and Ellie also - but no wonder MA is wondering how to control the pair of them!!

But Hilda has come a long way - she can now acknowledge that only she could have done for Ellie what she has tonight, and MA notices this. It's not pride, of course, merely a matter of acceptance that this is her job, and it is a job that will never be finished as
Quote:
To Hilda, what she did for others was never enough!


Silence can be such a positive thing - not merely the absence of noise....

Thank you Mary.

#255:  Author: MirandaLocation: Perth, Western Australia PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 6:57 am
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Mary, I have had so much of this to catch up on, and it has been absolutely incredible! The conversations between Hilda and Ellie are overflowing with love, but still tinged with so much sadness. You could almost *see* Ellie blooming over the course of the conversation - maturing in her understanding and becoming secure in her little niche in other people's lives.

In this particular post, I thought that the description of the Great Silence was lovely - again, you can almost *see* it settling over the building. You have a wonderful power to conjure up images in my mind.

Something that made me laugh was the idea of Nell also demanding a habit - that made me think of an empty habit just floating around at about head height everywhere that Hilda went. Kinda ghostly really, and I'm not sure that other people would accept it so easily Very Happy

Thank you Mary - hope that this peace can last a while...

#256:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 4:04 pm
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How beautifully calming... wish it had been longer! (Don't hit me - please?! Wink )

The first part was so atmospheric, and as for those eyes staring eerily out of the dark - *shudder*... Hilda's thoughts run so deep that she sinks very deeply into them. I'm not surprised MA was concerned to see her like that, though - must have been unnerving.

Quote:
"But in the end – oh, Mother, she seemed overwhelmed that I would want her for a ward.”

Of course, Hilda - because she looks up to you so much, and because you have so much about you. Who could not be overwhelmed that you would love them, among all others? Especially when Ellie thinks she's so undeserving of your love, though of course she isn't. And that 'beautiful, luminous smile' of Hilda's is lovely...

Quote:
Catholic or no, I have a sneaking suspicion that when you are clothed as a nun, Nell will also demand a habit. What’s good enough for one is good enough for both. How on earth I control the pair of you, of course…”

I do like MA's sense of humour! She has some lovely comments, and I can just hear her delivering them. But I'm sure she's right about Nell - she's not going anywhere!

Of course Hilda had to stay awake and help Ellie - how could she possibly do otherwise, being her? - but I hope she will now be able to go to bed and rest. If she could comfort herself with the thought that she helps people whatever she does, she would be content - but then I suppose she wouldn't be Hilda...

Quote:
Here, when she entered, there would be great swathes of time where she would not have to talk at all, where silence would wrap her round...

Mmm... beautiful.
Merci, cherie.

#257:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:41 pm
    —
Elder in Ontario wrote:
Hopefully Hilda will be able to rest after this.

Read on, Elder - and thank you all for the lovely comments.

....Here, when she entered, there would be great swathes of time where she would not have to talk at all, where silence would wrap her round and God would be close; great swathes of time where she would be able to hear her soul speak. But not yet - God still had work for her in her usual sphere, work that only she could do. And then there was Ellie.

Mother Abbess gently disturbed this reverie of Hilda’s. “Daughter of mine, may I suggest you go to bed, for you have a busy day ahead of you tomorrow and you’re worn out. I have no intention of leaving you till you’re asleep, so if you love me and want me to reach my bed tonight….”

Hilda leaned her head against the nun’s sturdy body and put an arm round her.

“Love you?” she whispered. “I shall thank God every day of the rest of my life that He sent me here. I couldn’t love you more if I tried.”

“Oh Hilda, my daughter, how much that love is returned,” murmured Mother Abbess brokenly. “I’m just so sad that finding each other had to be at the expense of such cruel pain for you.”

Hilda placed a finger on the nun’s lips. “Shhhh! Nell is still here. I haven’t really lost her. I know that now, even though I shall still weep for her at times. I suspect my loneliness for her will always be a part of me, even here. But I am filled with wonder and gratitude that He had you waiting for me at the end of my life, you and Ellie, and so many others who seem to want to take up residence in my heart.”

“And you would fit the whole world in there if you could, wouldn’t you?” said Mother Abbess with a smile and Hilda frowned at her. But then the nun asked, very quietly, “Am I forgiven now for revealing I knew your secrets, and for my words about Nell? I never meant to hurt you or make you angry, child. I just wanted to remind you how strong and wise you really are.”

Hilda kissed her softly on the cheek. “I’ll take issue with you about Nell – but you already know that. As to my secrets, Gwynneth had better beware, but I think, in the final analysis, I’m glad to be so revealed to you! After all, fair is fair - you revealed your own innermost heart to me a few days ago.”

Suddenly, making a decision, she put her face close to the nun’s and murmured very quietly the words the Nazi Lieutenant had said to her in her study so long ago, while his men ransacked the school and terrified the girls. Mother Abbess shuddered.

“No wonder you didn’t tell Nell,” she gasped in horror. “Not after what he did to her later. She would have hated him for daring to threaten you like that.”

“No, I couldn’t share it, could I? But it would have destroyed me,” said Hilda starkly.

“Or you would have resisted fiercely, knowing you, and they would have just killed you.”

Hilda shook her head. “Not so! You didn’t escape the Nazis as easily as that, Mother. They – or he - would have used me until there was no me left. And only then would they have killed me, and done it as carelessly as they would have stamped on a beetle.”

Mother Abbess felt icy chills chasing each other up and down her spine, and closed her arms round Hilda’s slim shoulders as though to protect her from anything else. How could she talk about it so calmly?

“I can’t,” whispered Hilda, reading her mind. “Sometimes it still gives me nightmares, even now, more than twenty years later. As does the thought of the gunman in my Study who threatened to maim or blind me, if I didn’t hand over the girl he sought.”

“And yet, in all that time, you never told any of it to the person who loved you the most,” the nun cried quietly. “How strong you are, daughter. The word heroic does not do you justice, especially when I think of all my own wasted years.”

She held Hilda close a long moment, wanting to savour this time, hoard it like a miser, for who knew what lay ahead for any of them? Life was so fragile. And Hilda so uncaring of her own health and well-being.

Finally, calling herself all sorts of names for being so silly, so lacking in trust, she cleared her throat and dragged herself stiffly to her feet. She leaned over and gently pulled Hilda out of the chair. “Come on, young lady. You’ve done enough thinking for one night – and enough helping others. I want you in bed in five minutes flat. I’m going to get you a drink. No, you don’t need to pull a face. Not hot milk. Being a true Scot, my mind was running more along the lines of whisky!”

Hilda smiled. “You’re as bad as Nell – it was her answer to everything.”

But when Mother Abbess returned ten minutes later, Hilda was already fast asleep, breathing gently, a lovely smile illuminating her features. The nun leaned over to tuck her in more closely and saw the photo in Hilda’s hand. Carefully removing it, she propped it upright on the bedside table – and regarded the alarm clock pensively. With an almost furtive look at the sleeping Hilda, she slipped it into her capacious pocket. Hilda could miss the early morning service for once and she herself would wake her with breakfast in bed. Hilda needed what sleep she could get!

She sat on the bed and stroked Hilda’s cheek gently, whispering a prayer in her heart for her gentle, loving daughter who had been through so much.

Thou, who knowest so much and lovest so much, bless, I pray Thee, this dearest of women; comfort her in her sadness, be with her in her loneliness; guide her and be near her, let Thy light so shine upon her that she may continue to see it and follow it and come at last into Thy everlasting kingdom.

#258:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 12:08 am
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MaryR wrote:


She sat on the bed and stroked Hilda’s cheek gently, whispering a prayer in her heart for her gentle, loving daughter who had been through so much.

Thou, who knowest so much and lovest so much, bless, I pray Thee, this dearest of women; comfort her in her sadness, be with her in her loneliness; guide her and be near her, let Thy light so shine upon her that she may continue to see it and follow it and come at last into Thy everlasting kingdom.


Beautiful as always Mary, and terribly touching too.

#259:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 1:08 am
    —
A beautiful, peaceful ending to an intensely busy and emotional day for everyone. But it's lovely to see how at last Hilda is coming to terms with the fact that while she will always miss Nell with all her heart and soul, and revere her memory forever, life has yet handed to her such wonderful new friends as MA and Ellie to share those memories, fill her mind with new ones, and fill her heart with their love, just as her heart is filled with love for them. It's a wonderful point for her to have reached in her journey through her grief - no wonder she could, finally, fall asleep so serenely.

And MA's prayer for her rest just says it all, doesn't it? Here's hoping that these words, coupled with a night of restful sleep for Hilda, will work their own miracles.

Thank you Mary.

#260:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 2:05 am
    —
That was a most lovely and serene ending to the day, that Hilda could fall asleep so peacefully in the knowledge of the love with which she is surrounded. And she displays such a marvellous awareness of how her life with Nell will be:
Quote:
Nell is still here. I haven’t really lost her. I know that now, even though I shall still weep for her at times. I suspect my loneliness for her will always be a part of me, even here.


But she also knows that she has been very blessed in the love of those who have come into her life, and also that in MA she has someone to whom she can reveal all the secrets and pains of her life, even those that she felt she had to hide from Nell because of Nell's own pain. Of course Nell now knows them....

But even though all is so peaceful at the moment, MA still has that touch of foreboding...
Quote:
who knew what lay ahead for any of them? Life was so fragile.


And MA's blessing is so beautiful
Quote:
bless, I pray Thee, this dearest of women; comfort her in her sadness, be with her in her loneliness; guide her and be near her, let Thy light so shine upon her that she may continue to see it and follow it and come at last into Thy everlasting kingdom.


I seem to have been a bit carried away, but thank you, Mary! Very Happy

#261:  Author: MirandaLocation: Perth, Western Australia PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 5:01 am
    —
This post moved so fluidly between the silence and calm at the beginning, to the truly awful horrors and memories in the middle, and yet still found a beautiful peace at the end as well. Hilda's comments about the Nazis were so incredibly chilling, yet she was still able to sleep with a smile on her face because of the love that surrounded her.

Wonderful.

Thank you Mary.

#262:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 8:21 am
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Thank you Mary.

#263:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 8:21 am
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Oh Mary - in this post - which I did read in conjunction with the one before - I have watched in awe, listened amused, and had my peace turn to shear horror at the end of that conversation.

However, I just loved the ending, the reference to the whisky which wasn't needed in the end, the fact that Hilda fell asleep holding that photo, the stealthing away of that alarm clock (what will Hilda say to *that* I wonder!), and as others have commented, that beautiful prayer were all wonderful.

How mischevious is MA?

I do hope that Hilda sleeps through the night and feels much better for it in the morning.

Thanks Mary.

#264:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 4:16 pm
    —
Mary,
I have only just been able to post a response, as changing my email on the Board de-activated my account !
Liss has kindly fixed it so I can reply, and now I find myself bereft of appropriate words..................
Confused
Wonderful updates, with lots of food for thought !

#265:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 6:44 pm
    —
Hilda's asleep - good! She needs the rest. And isn't MA crafty?! But from the best possible motives, and I hope it pays off and that Hilda will sleep long and soundly, free from nightmares.

MA's emotional journey through these last few days has been almost as turbulent as Hilda's, not only in what she has relived and revealed, but also in her counselling of Hilda, so the fact that their love and support is mutual must be of great comfort to her, too. Hilda could not have stayed angry with her for what she knew when the eventual outcome was beneficial. And even if she does have words with Gwynneth, I can't imagine her bearing a grudge.

Quote:
Mother Abbess felt icy chills chasing each other up and down her spine...

Wonderful phrase - love the variation on a familiar image.

Quote:
She held Hilda close a long moment, wanting to savour this time, hoard it like a miser, for who knew what lay ahead for any of them? Life was so fragile.

How true... Crying or Very sad

Beautiful, as usual - and the prayer at the end is very moving.
Merci, cherie.

#266:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 9:31 pm
    —
Elder in Ontario wrote:
. And MA's prayer for her rest just says it all, doesn't it? Here's hoping that these words, coupled with a night of restful sleep for Hilda, will work their own miracles.

It won't be all plain sailing, though, Elder. Crying or Very sad Thank you all for your most generous comments. Now for London....

Hilda had some very acerbic words to say to her friend the next morning when she found herself being woken later than she had planned, but Mother Abbess merely shrugged and told her to eat the breakfast she had brought her and to get ready, or the other travellers would go off to London without her. Hilda gave up the unequal struggle and smiled fondly on the woman who was so determined to curb her stubbornness. The years ahead promised to be lively ones!

The four of them were soon ensconced snugly in the train and chatting merrily. Or three of them were. Hilda sat back and watched Ellie interacting with the other two. Her whole manner was so different from even one week ago. She was openly affectionate to her aunt and relaxed, if still shy, with Vivien.

The augurs were good for the coming term, reflected Hilda. And looking at Sister Patricia, she could see that the advent of Ellie had brought her out of her shell and revealed a generous and loving personality behind that gentle self-containment. Hilda was determined to give her as interesting a day in London as she could. After all, were they not now sister-guardians as well as spiritual sisters-to-be?

Vivien took Ellie off as soon as they reached London, saying mysteriously that they had matters of their own to see to, while Hilda and Patricia sought Hilda’s solicitor to arrange the trust fund. And arrange it in such a way that even Rosalie Dene, sending out the bills, would have no idea of the true state of affairs. Hilda was determined to keep all this a deep, dark secret, for Ellie’s sake.

They met the others outside the Convent’s solicitor’s office less than an hour later, Vivien and Ellie both carrying suspicious-looking packages. The solicitor, a jovial and amusing man with twinkling eyes, greying hair and a paunch, had already spoken to Mother Abbess about the matter and had received Sister Patricia’s instructions. Now he asked Ellie her wishes – and the latter overwhelmed Hilda by going over to her and putting her arms round her. Ellie’s face was very serious as she spoke, her English once more very formal.

“I love my aunt, Monsieur, and she is the only family I have left, so, naturellement, I want her to remain my guardian, as papa wished. But we all love Madame, everyone here in this room and everyone at the convent, and I am deeply honoured that she has agreed to become another guardian for me. It is wonderful to be in the charge of two people who love me so much. Vraiment, Monsieur, I couldn’t be happier.”

She reached up to kiss Hilda and then went over to her aunt and kissed her, as well. Everyone in the office had tears in their eyes and the solicitor found himself clearing his throat before he could speak. Attempting to lighten the atmosphere he turned to Vivien, who had been watching silently.

“You’re not here to make it the Three Musketeers, are you, Miss? Before I go ahead with the paperwork? The more the merrier, to judge by this young lady’s words – and very pretty words they were, too. She’ll go far!”

His eyes twinkled at her, and she blushed furiously, shaking her head violently. She had been utterly delighted when she had heard the news from an excited Ellie that morning, followed by a more measured explanation from Mother Abbess, and she thought the whole idea an inspiration on Sister Patricia’s part. Hilda was doing so much for the girl already and loved her so much. But Vivien was embarrassed to be thought good enough to be of their company.

What a pity she was unable to read minds, for Ellie was thinking to herself how much fun life would be if Miss Knowles was indeed another guardian. And Patricia and Hilda glanced at each other meaningfully. One day, perhaps – when Hilda was also a member of the Community.

“We shan’t dismiss it out of hand, shall we, Ellie, chérie?” said Hilda quietly, bestowing a charming smile on her younger colleague, who immediately blushed even more rosily.

“When do you return to Switzerland?” the solicitor asked, opening his diary. When Hilda answered that Saturday was the intended day, he considered, then made up his mind. “I’ll try and get a court hearing for Friday, then, before you leave. And I think I could get it set up down there in the wilds of Norfolk without too much difficulty, rather than dragging you all back here. I’ll phone you with the time and place.”

After a few more administrative details, they thanked him profusely and departed, but not before he had made Ellie giggle by kissing her hand with a great flourish.

Hilda took them all to lunch at one of the restaurants she and Nell often frequented – and found there was not too much pain in the return. Again she watched and listened, storing it all up for Mother Abbess, who she knew would want to know every last detail. She smiled mistily when she realised why she was doing it. It was the sort of thing she and Nell used to do, bringing their day as offering to each other. How very, very fortunate she had been - and how very fortunate she still was.

After lunch they made their way to the school outfitters. Sister Patricia it was who did the watching here. She had watched Ellie’s love for Hilda all day, and as she now sat quietly in the shop, she was ashamed to find herself glad that her brother Edward had died. Ellie had found someone, instead, who loved her wholeheartedly, and indeed treasured her, as her father never had, and she now had a bright future. She was so much happier, so much more relaxed and at ease with others. What an attractive personality she was revealing. Where had it all been hiding?

Sister Patricia suspected part of the answer was the effect of Hilda’s sensitivity and wisdom and generosity. The girl could not have come under the influence of a lovelier person. God had indeed been very good.

#267:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 10:14 pm
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How wonderful! And how like Hilda to keep it so tightly secret like that.

I want an Ellie to love me and hug me as she does Hilda.

Thanks, Mary.

#268:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 10:18 pm
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Oooh, will Vivien also become one of the guardians in due course ?
She is already so involved in Ellie`s life, it would be a logical step........

Glad that Hilda had a restful sleep and I hope all continues to go so smoothly on this trip.
I have a suspicion MA will be saying a few prayers of her own on that account ?
Thank you, Mary !

#269:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 10:18 pm
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A lovely day out - and some very important things arranged.

Thanks Mary

#270:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 10:52 pm
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Mary I am sitting here with a great big grin on my face. That was just wonderful. I love the way Ellie goes up to Hilda to confirm that she is happy with her as guardian as well as her Aunt. And so *that* may be in the pipeline might it? It sounds wonderful.

And I was right in my belief that Hilda would *not* be amused at the change of time.

How sensitively the administration of the trust fund was dealt with.

And poor Sister Patricia, to feel that about her brother. She is right though - without Hilda, Ellie would have grown up something less than she was meant to be. Now, Patricia, Hilda, MA, and Vivien between them all will bring her up to be all she was ever meant to be.

Thank you Mary that was wonderful.

#271:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 11:59 pm
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A lovely day out indeed - so many things arranged so swiftly to everyone's satisfaction. I'm not at all surprised that Hilda would insist on making sure that no-one at the school could possibly find out who was paying for Ellie's education.

Ellie's speech at the solicitor's office left me with my eyes full of tears - I could almost 'hear' her talking there and she quite clearly blew all her listeners away with it - even the solicitor had heard nothing like it before. As for the idea that Vivien might one day become one of her guardians too.. well, it's not really so impossible, is it?

I loved the way that Hilda could take the other 3 to lunch at one of the places she and Nell used to frequent without being completely overwhelmed with her memories of such outings. And also, how she was so clearly storing up all the details of the day to retell to MA, in much the same way as she and Nell were wont to share the details of their day with each other. That phrase 'how very, very fortunate she had been, and how very, very fortunate she still was' is proof yet again of how she is gradually coming to accept Nell's loss (though she will never 'lose sight' of her completely) and to appreciate the new relationships she is forming.

Time certainly is proving to be the healing element we all realised it would be. While there will still be periods of intense grief, the healing process is indeed in progress.

Thank you, Mary

#272:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 12:10 am
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How good to see Ellie publicly and unhesitatingly declaring her love and allegiance for Hilda - and a few other people's as well.
Quote:
we all love Madame, everyone here in this room and everyone at the convent, and I am deeply honoured that she has agreed to become another guardian for me.
And it's also done without disparaging her aunt's role - something that I don't think Ellie could have done before encountering Hilda.

But what a sad indictment of Ellie's father's parenting - that his sister can think that his death has benefitted his daughter because she has now found someone who "treasured her as her father never had."

And how far Hilda has come, that she can return to a place that she and Nell frequented and be able to take other people there. And I loved that little sidelight into their lives:
Quote:
It was the sort of thing she and Nell used to do, bringing their day as offering to each other.
. How good that she can do the same sort of thing for MA.

Thank you Mary

The Three Musketeers indeed! Very Happy

#273:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 12:54 am
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It's not just Ellie who's going to go far... Vivien will as well, won't she? I certainly hope so, for she is a most engaging character and very lovable. Given time, I think she could fill Hilda's shoes in many ways...

Hilda is making progress, if she can frequent the old haunts she shared with Nell and not feel too much pain. I hope that sharing them with Ellie and the others, even if they don't realise the significance, will help her further, and perhaps make them less painful places still so that she can go there and rejoice in her memories. It might sustain her a little through the bad times.

Quote:
She smiled mistily when she realised why she was doing it. It was the sort of thing she and Nell used to do, bringing their day as offering to each other.


Beautiful, as were Ellie's words. I bet Hilda was blushing! A hug for Sister Patricia, though, as it can't be easy to find yourself having thoughts like that about your own brother.

Merci, cherie.

ETA OK, spot who didn't read the other posts before writing hers... sorry! Embarassed

#274:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 9:26 pm
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Thank you so much for all that. Here's the rest of that scene in London....

Sister Patricia was filled with quiet satisfaction at her niece’s delight as she tried on dresses and coats, blazers and hats, to her heart’s content, and preened and twirled in front of them all, eyeing herself in the mirror. How the gentian blue of the uniform intensified the sapphire of her eyes.

“I never had a uniform before,” she exclaimed breathlessly to her aunt. “We don’t have them in France. We just wore smocks over our normal clothes. C’est merveilleux! So very English!”

They all laughed at her exuberance as she continued trying on. The winter school dress suited her admirably, as did the velveteen, and for her summer dresses she chose a lovely lilac colour and a deep, deep pink, to be made up with white collars and cuffs.

“I chose the pink because of you, Madame,” she whispered as Hilda fastened a zip. “You wore a so beautiful suit in this colour on Christmas Day.”

Hilda realised, with a start, that she had worn the silk suit she had first put on the night of Nell’s fiftieth birthday in the Auvergne. It had become a favourite of Nell’s and for that reason it had hurt her to wear it after last April. But, somehow, Christmas had seemed a suitable time to resurrect it and so she had tucked it into her case - and had just received a most beautiful and unexpected compliment. She kissed Ellie with a gentle murmur of appreciation.

Having settled with the shop how the bill was to be paid, Hilda next led them off to buy all the other things Ellie would need, including a trunk and a hand case, those two to be sent along to the convent that afternoon. Hilda thought about the conversation which had ensued when Mother Abbess and Sister Patricia had claimed they wanted the convent to pay for some of Ellie’s uniform. Hilda had insisted that the trust fund would cover it all.

“Don’t forget I have Nell’s money, and all her shares, as well as my own.”

“But you’ve spent a lot of that on scholarships and other things,” Mother Abbess had protested.

“There’s still plenty, Mother, and I don’t need any of it any more, do I? Or not for very much longer, anyway – unless you suddenly decide you don’t want me! Better to spend it on Ellie than leave it all to a cats’ home, wouldn’t you say?” she had asked lightly. But seeing how concerned they still looked, she had added, “I promise you, I have no need of much, and the school won’t lose out. I have my ideas there. You let me spoil Ellie.”

She had, however, eyed Sister Patricia rather anxiously, wondering whether this was upsetting her, but the nun had read her mind and reassured her. Now, however, when she saw how much was needed, Sister Patricia was even more staggered at this generosity towards a stranger child.

Mother Abbess had insisted that the convent at least purchase the girl’s non-uniform dresses and any new underwear and shoes, and these were now also acquired with the minimum of fuss, in typical Hilda fashion, though Ellie had a fine time trying on all the lovely dresses presented to her, before making any final decision. And Vivien made her a present of a wonderful Schaeffer fountain pen and pencil set.

Hilda continued the whirl of activity by whisking them off to the bookshop to collect the books she had ordered – and to buy Ellie The Velveteen Rabbit which she had quoted from the night before. Ellie crowed with delight, but then stared in shock as Hilda pulled three more books off a shelf, and said quietly, “You’re enjoying the Anne books so much that I thought you might like some of the author's other books – they’re very different, but rather beautiful, and I think, in the end, Emily may appeal to you even more than Anne does.”

Giving the ecstatic girl no time to thank her, Hilda hustled them all out and down the street to an art shop – and proceeded to give Patricia the shock of her life. She was told to run amok and choose any art materials that appealed to her, and not to consider the prices. The nun stared at her open-mouthed. What was going on? Wondering to herself what Patricia’s reaction would be if she knew about Peter Young, Hilda smilingly gave her an explanation for her actions.

“Mother Abbess gave me permission. It’s not only from me – she’s paying as well. After seeing that beautiful picture you painted for me, and the small one for Ellie, we’d both like you to spend longer on your own art and less on the cards and posters you create for convent funds. You have a great talent, my dear, and it should be exercised more than it has been. Mother agrees.”

Patricia could only gaze at Hilda in complete bewilderment. Hilda took her hand. “You don’t know just how good you are, do you? Despite all the courses and such that Mother sends you on. Your water colours are unique.”

The bewilderment faded, to be replaced by sheer delight. More time to lose herself in her art! “But what about the people who come to us for help?” she breathed.

“You wouldn’t want to stop helping them, would you?” asked Hilda gently, and the nun shook her head vehemently. “That will still be the main essence of your vocation, of course. That’s why you entered, after all – much like my own reasons. You just won’t do so much of the commercial stuff anymore.”

Her eyes on Ellie and Vivien, who were fathoms deep in textured and coloured paper, her voice deepened and mellowed as she tried to express what Sister Patricia had done for her.

“But this gift here and now is not only because you are such an artist, nor for my beautiful Christmas present. It’s mainly for having the generosity of spirit to want me as guardian for Ellie. You didn’t care about yourself at all, just your niece. And whatever I offer you now can never repay this precious gift you have given me. So please, my friend, accept this with my deepest gratitude and love.”

Who could resist such a delicate plea? Patricia saw the truth in Hilda’s steadfast eyes and could demur no longer. Stepping forward to kiss the wonderful woman who was offering her all this, she was hugged back very gently and then found herself being turned around and steered towards the shelves and containers, the canvasses and paints, and all the other wonderful things in this Aladdin’s Cave.

However, the shock she got that day was as nothing compared to the shock the following week when the materials she had chosen were delivered to the convent. For, packed among them all, she found a large selection of book tokens and art tokens. She stood there, stunned. Why would Hilda do all this for her? Mother Abbess simply pointed out that Hilda loved to give and that Patricia would hurt Hilda very much if she returned them. She was just to enjoy them with a tranquil heart.

Mother Abbess, however, knew of the awful guilt that Hilda felt for having seemingly usurped the girl’s affections. But she also knew that guilt was one thing she would never eradicate in Hilda, so they would all have to live with the results. How far, she wondered occasionally, would one have to go to find another woman as baffling and as awe-inspiring as Hilda Annersley. If Nell Wilson had been cut from the same cloth, and she was assured that she had been, then the school had assuredly been blessed for very many years.

#275:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 9:32 pm
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Mary,
I have **so** enjoyed being a fly on the wall during this shopping trip.
What fun they have had, especially Sister Patricia.

They are all so real to me........ Very Happy

#276:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 9:42 pm
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Oh That was simply stunning. The beauty, the flowing love, the arms of friendship which wrap around Ellie and Patricia. Hilda is in her element, and Vivien too is sharing in the same joys - it is almost as if Hilda has become her mentor, though she was moving that way by herself.

You have magic in your fingers, as you write Mary, nothing else, barring God, can explain the way this peice pulls the reader in.

I cannot say any more, this is so incredibly moving.

Thank you Mary.

#277:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 10:05 pm
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Lovely Mary - and that thought of MA's about the School being blessed was very apt.


Thank you.

#278:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 10:14 pm
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I've never thought about it before but the school truly was blessed with Hilda and Nell and in fact most of it's staff wasn't it? But most especially those two. Thank you, Mary. Once again this drabble makes me think.

#279:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:51 pm
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That was indeed a beautiful day of shopping - for so many things and so many reasons. And not simply for gratifying the recipients, either, but also for allowing Hilda the pleasure of all this giving to those to whom she was realising she owes so much - after all, they have taken her to their hearts just as much as she has taken them to hers. Ellie's thrills at both her school outfit and all those wonderful books are only equalled by her aunt's joy and delight at being turned loose among those art supplies. And if MA knows what lies beneath Hilda's generosity to Sister Patricia, it does nothing to lessen the pleasure of both the donor and the recipient, does it? And I'm sure Vivien must have enjoyed being simply an observer of all this delight (though I'm not forgetting her gift of the pen and pencil set to Ellie.)

I also loved MA's realisation that between Hilda and Nell, the school had been truly blessed for so many years.

Thank you, Mary

#280:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:58 pm
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Oh what a glorious shopping trip - and how generous and sensitive to the needs of others Hilda is. I can see that the more complex character of LMM's Emily might well appeal to Ellie - and EVERYBODY needs a copy of the Velveteen Rabbit!

I particularly love Hilda's gifts to Sr Patricia - gifts that are for her, and for the convent as well, and given for the loveliest of reasons:
Quote:
But this gift here and now is not only because you are such an artist, nor for my beautiful Christmas present. It’s mainly for having the generosity of spirit to want me as guardian for Ellie. You didn’t care about yourself at all, just your niece. And whatever I offer you now can never repay this precious gift you have given me.


And just how MA understands her Hilda:
Quote:
she also knew that guilt was one thing she would never eradicate in Hilda
. "Baffling and awe-inspiring?" - but of course, and yes, the school was blessed in them.

Oh yes; it's lovely to see Hilda again able to wear the clothes that Nell liked to see her in, and as you alluded to "Hilda's Revenge", I shall merely remark, in a wholly innocent and disinterested fashion, that I'd love to know how that ends.... Wink

Thank you Mary!

#281:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 1:44 am
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Mary, this is wonderful!
From the beauty of the growing love between Hilda and Ellie - to the totally chilling piece about the Nazis - to the gentle enjoyment of the shopping trip.
So glad Hilda got the Velveteen Rabbit for Ellie.
Thank you.

#282:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:18 pm
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Cath V-P wrote:
as you alluded to "Hilda's Revenge", I shall merely remark, in a wholly innocent and disinterested fashion, that I'd love to know how that ends....

I second that! Wink

Lovely post, Mary, as usual! And even if Hilda's guilt is partly responsible for some of her gifts, I can't help thinking that she'd have given them anyway, because that's the way she is. And, as she says, she will have no need of it for herself before much longer.

Sister Patricia must have been in seventh heaven in that Aladdin's cave of an art shop! But doing fewer commercial things needn't mean she is helping less - how many other people could she comfort with pictures of their loved ones, just as she painted for Hilda?

So many beautiful colours in this piece - gentian, sapphire, deep pink and lilac... The writing's an Aladdin's cave as well.

Merci, cherie.

ETA - phew: got in just before you! Wink


Last edited by Katya on Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

#283:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:19 pm
    —
It was very late when they returned to the convent, and Hilda was exhausted, her head aching badly and her recovering feet burning, but she knew that Ellie would want to tell Mother Abbess all about the day and show off her uniform, so she sat with the others as they quickly consumed the supper that had been kept back for them.

She saw Patricia’s eyes on her and was aware that, if she ate nothing, it would be reported in certain quarters, so she choked down some of her food, while Ellie and Vivien, who seemed untiring, chatted volubly. How did they manage it? Must be youth, she decided wistfully.

In the Office, Mother Abbess sat in the chair before the fire and watched with interest as Ellie paraded excitedly in her new school dress and cardigan and blazer, and then in the overcoat and hat. She also poured forth, with Vivien’s and Patricia’s help, all that they had done that day. Patricia had already slipped in as soon as they returned and told her Superior all about Hilda’s generosity and Patricia's own worries about the cost of it all, but Mother Abbess had simply smiled.

But now, all the time she appeared to be listening and making the appropriate comments to the excited girl, Mother Abbess was not smiling at all. She was, in fact, watching Hilda with increasing concern, and could see that Sister Infirmarian, who had also managed to get herself invited, was doing the same. They glanced at each other worriedly. On first entering the room, Hilda had asked if there had been a phone call from Boston.

“No change, but they still hope,” Mother Abbess had answered quietly. Hilda’s face had gone very still and she had seated herself silently on the couch. She was saying nothing at all, though smiled in all the right places. She was very white and there were dark, dark smudges under her eyes. The events of the last few days were taking their toll – and today had been far too long for her, reflected Mother Abbess. There was more to come, though, and the nun decided that maybe it would be better for Hilda’s sake to get it over and done with.

When Ellie had showed the nuns all the other clothes they had bought, and her books and her new pen, Mother Abbess drew her head down and whispered in her ear. Instantly, Ellie laid down her treasures and went behind the big desk, bending down to pick up something hiding there. At the same time, Vivien slipped out of the room. Hilda and Patricia gave each other a puzzled frown – and then gasped, eyes opened wide. For Ellie had appeared from behind the desk carrying two large and splendid bouquets, one of which she handed to Hilda and one to Patricia. Mother Abbess smiled understandingly at their shocked faces.

“These are from all of us in the Convent, to celebrate this very special day. We couldn’t let this dual guardianship slip by unnoticed. It’s something unique and very special for this Convent. And I know how very fond of flowers you both are.”

Neither of them could find words to express their thanks at that moment. They simply sat there staring at the simple, delicate blooms and then at Mother Abbess. “Enjoy them,” she added softly. “I’m only sorry we didn’t do this earlier for Patricia. I hope you can forgive us, dear, for not celebrating what you have already done. Enjoy your guardianship of such a beautiful and intelligent ward, both of you.”

Ellie blushed with pleasure, and knelt down in front of her guardians as Vivien came back into the room. Ellie spoke excitedly. “Miss Knowles and I have something for you as well. We went shopping when you went to see your… your avocat.” She stumbled over the English word, changing to one she knew.

Hilda looked down at her in total dismay. “But, Ellie, why? We don’t need a reward for loving you, sweetheart.” She heard Sister Patricia agreeing with her wholeheartedly. She glanced over at her friend, but Mother Abbess simply shrugged her shoulders and grinned impishly.

“Getting our own back, maybe?” she suggested lightly. No way was she going to admit to Hilda that they had planned it all between them early this morning while she slept, but she was now beginning to wonder if they had done the right thing. Hilda looked as though she was about to collapse. Before Hilda could react to those words, Vivien returned to the room and handed two long, thin parcels to Ellie, who laid one in Hilda’s lap and one in her aunt’s.

“These are from Miss Knowles. She felt that as she had given me the pen set, she should also have a present for you, on this so special day”

Patricia was biting her lip and Hilda was gazing at Vivien as though she had never seen her before. “Please, both of you, they’re nothing very much, so don’t look at me as though you want to slay me, boss lady,” she added jokingly, wanting to raise a smile.

But there was no smile. Hilda looked down at her gift and slowly peeled open the pale pink paper, then gasped. “Nothing much? Oh, Vivien, they’re charming, beautiful.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” whispered Patricia, as Hilda gently grasped the dark pink ribbon on her gift and held up what turned out to be a series of ten interlinking wooden hearts, one below the other, each about two inches across and painted a buttery shade of cream. Slanting across each one, in elegant dark pink script, was the name of one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self-control. And on the last heart, right at the bottom, was painted: Against such, there is no law. (Galatians 5:22)

Both mesmerised by the simple beauty of the gifts, Patricia was the first to recover. She spoke breathlessly. “Vivien, Hilda was right. They are superb, so delicate and perfect. They will look lovely hanging on the wall.”

Vivien’s voice was very quiet as she replied, “To me they epitomise all the things both of you are – the result of walking with the Spirit for so many years. You are loving and generous and humble and ….oh, so many things. These seemed so right for you both on such an occasion. They have the same elegant simplicity you both possess and which endears you to all.”

Hilda looked up at those words, her eyes shining with unshed tears, and shook her head in denial of Vivien’s words. Sister Patricia might be all those things written on those beautiful hearts, but she herself certainly could not lay claim to them.

“Where did you find them?” she whispered.

Vivien leaned over the back of the couch between the two women. “I have some artist friends who run a small workshop. You might be interested in visiting it sometime, Sister. They produce only a few of any items they make, things you wouldn’t see in the shops. Ellie and I paid them a quick visit this morning.” She handed Ellie the two remaining packages. “These came from there as well.”

Hilda and Patricia stared at Ellie, these two modest and unassuming women who felt they had done nothing out of the ordinary and were shocked to find themselves so fêted by everyone.

#284:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:34 pm
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Awwww, how lovely that they should have such appreciation and love.


Thank you Mary - now please allow Sister Infirmarian to get Hilda to bed!

#285:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:37 pm
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[i]
Quote:
Vivien’s voice was very quiet as she replied, “To me they epitomise all the things both of you are – the result of walking with the Spirit for so many years. You are loving and generous and humble and ….oh, so many things. These seemed so right for you both on such an occasion. They have the same elegant simplicity you both possess and which endears you to all.”
[/i]

Hilda may lift her head in protest at Vivien's words, but Vivien is absolutely correct - those wooden pieces surely do epitomise in both design and the words they carry, just what Hilda and Patricia do mean to so many people. And they are so right for this minute, too.

Mary, thanks to your vivid word picture, I can just see the pieces, too - may I please have one for my wall? The wording also recalls to me the famous line in Corinthians - apologies if I misquote slightly:

Quote:
For here abideth faith, hope and love, and the greatest of all these is love.


And again, this is what Hilda has shown to so many people over the years, and what Sister Patricia has shown to Ellie through her care for her.

On a lighter note, I loved the description of Ellie's 'fashion parade', too. It has certainly been an event-filled day for her, hasn't it?

But I can see why MA is now so concerned about Hilda - I'm sure her next action will be to gently insist that everyone except Sister Infirmarian and herself depart with all speed, leaving them alone with Hilda, who now stands in much need of their care.

Thanks, Mary

#286:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:37 pm
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Wow - Vivien has indeed taken on Hilda's mantle here! I love her way of astounding people with her generosity. And it's a generosity of loving words as well as one of gifts. It's the way she gives them that's almost more important than the gifts themselves.

Oh Mary, there is no way to describe the welter of emotions this beautiful writing envokes. I shall endevour to wait paitiently to hear what else Vivien has got from the shops - she is like Santa's sack, you never quite reach the bottom of what she has prepared for you, in her origami, and in her giving - also like Hilda.

I thank you Mary love, for this image of selfless giving and love between all those present here.

#287:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 11:20 pm
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Truly perfect gifts, and in their "elegant simplicity" so reminiscent of the recipients - and Vivien expresses so beautifully just why she chose these:
Quote:
To me they epitomise all the things both of you are – the result of walking with the Spirit for so many years. You are loving and generous and humble and ….oh, so many things. These seemed so right for you both on such an occasion. They have the same elegant simplicity you both possess and which endears you to all.
Absolutely Miss Knowles, couldn't have put it better myself!

And what a lovely gesture to give both Hilda and Sr Patricia flowers to celebrate their guardianship of Ellie, demonstrating to all three of them that they are supported in this as in so many other things by the convent.

But poor Hilda, tired and in pain and starting to worry acutely about Tessa, and really just needing to go to bed bless her. Thank goodness that MA and SI are aware of how she feels - I'm sure they will do something about it.

Thank you Mary.

#288:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 11:26 pm
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Vivien's kindness and spirit show through in this story again and again and again. And once again in this installment it surprises me.

The hearts given to Sister Patricia sound amazing; are the based on an actual thing or a product of your imagination?

Now please let Hilda have some rest and some time to heal!

Thank you, Mary

#289:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 1:54 am
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Quote:
...a series of ten interlinking wooden hearts, one below the other, each about two inches across and painted a buttery shade of cream.

Oh, what a beautiful thing for them each to have in memory of this day - and what a wonderful description! I can almost touch them... And they certainly do epitomise everything their owners are. Particularly love.

Another bittersweet post there, as Ellie's exuberant joy contrasts with Hilda's concern over Tessa and her family. The presentation helped, I think, in that respect, because it was so unexpected - to Hilda, at least - that it brought her wholly back to her present surroundings for a while.

Quote:
“But, Ellie, why? We don’t need a reward for loving you, sweetheart.”

Aw! Beautiful.

Poor Hilda's exhausted, isn't she? I do hope she'll get some rest soon. But first, come back and tell us what the next gifts are... Ple-ease? Very Happy

Merci, cherie.

#290:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:17 am
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A wonderful day, but understandably overwhelming by this point.

*wishes Hilda a restful night for once*
*likewise anyone else who needs one*

#291:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 7:59 am
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Vivien is full of surprises !
What apt and beautiful gifts ......

A good day has been had by all, to the benefit of all concerned, but Hilda sorely needs sleep Wink
Looking forward to more on the weekend, Mary Very Happy

#292:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:06 am
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Thank you so much for all your most generous words.

Elder, unfortunately you can't have those hearts hanging on your wall - because they are hanging on mine. Wink I'm afraid my imagination is not that vivid. Just describing them was difficult enough! Laughing But thank you so much for liking them, as I'm rather partial to them myself.

I'm afaid there won't be any more posts on ND now until the weekend, as I'm going into hospital this afternoon. If any of you have any prayers to spare I would really appreciate them right now.

#293:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:12 am
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As many prayers as you need. (((Mary)))

#294:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:25 am
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Sending very large amounts of hugs and thoughts... We'll be here waiting for you.

*hug*
K.xx

#295:  Author: jaceyLocation: Ireland PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:50 am
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Beautiful excerpt Mary.
And many hugs and prayers for the next few days.

#296:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 12:15 pm
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Much love and many hugs and prayers for the next few days, Mary !

#297:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 12:25 pm
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Much love, many hugs and prayers being added to the pile - we will be thinking of you.

#298:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:46 pm
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Sending lots of love and hugs and prayers Mary

#299:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 7:44 pm
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MaryR wrote:

Elder, unfortunately you can't have those hearts hanging on your wall - because they are hanging on mine. Wink


You did fine describing them Mary love - I recognised them as soon as I read it.

Indeed I am and will continue to be praying for you.

*hugs*

#300:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 9:21 pm
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Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers.

Elder in Ontario wrote:
But I can see why MA is now so concerned about Hilda - I'm sure her next action will be to gently insist that everyone except Sister Infirmarian and herself depart with all speed, leaving them alone with Hilda, who now stands in much need of their care.

Read on, Elder, though you might find it rather long.... Laughing

.....Hilda and Patricia stared at Ellie, these two modest and unassuming women who felt they had done nothing out of the ordinary and were shocked to find themselves so fêted by everyone. Ellie’s blue eyes were shining like stars as she looked from one to the other.

“Marraine, Madame,” she spoke bashfully, her French accent very evident. “I cannot find the words to tell you all I feel in my heart, so I hope that these will speak for me.”

“Ellie,” whispered Hilda brokenly, “there was no need to…..”

She stopped, unable to continue and Sister Patricia was in no better case. For answer, Ellie simply laid their gifts on their knees and sat back expectantly. Fingers shaking, Hilda peeled back more pink paper – and sat there, stunned. She heard the rustle of Patricia’s paper, and then the nun’s voice.

“Ellie, my dear, it’s beautiful,” Patricia murmured, her voice trembling with emotion. Ellie smiled – but her eyes were on Hilda’s face. Hilda glanced up, saw the anxiety and tried to pull herself together. She put out a hand to touch the girl’s face gently.

“I agree with your aunt, chérie,” she whispered. “It’s absolutely breathtaking,” and she lifted the figure out of its packaging.

She had no idea what it was made of, but it was pure white, about eight inches high, and it was exquisite, as exquisite as her paper angels. This angel’s face was tender and watchful, and its gown fell in graceful folds to its bare feet. Its hands were resting protectively on the shoulders of a small, raggedly dressed girl, and its feathered wings were open, curving round both their bodies to enfold the child. On the child’s cheek there lay one sparkling tear. But the child need weep no longer, for this angel would be a shelter and shield against the cold winds of life. Around the bottom of the statue, in gold, ran the words, Angel of God, my guardian dear.

It was too much. Hilda Annersley, that strong, self-controlled woman who poured out the oil of her love unreservedly on others, was broken by the weight of the love being showered on her. Her emotional recovery, so hard won these last few weeks in the convent, was swiftly unravelling.

The statue dropped back into her lap and, for a moment or two, she buried her face in her hands, trying to quell the wail that was suddenly threatening to erupt. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands until they drew blood, the pain shocking her back into some sort of self-control. She lifted her face, saw Ellie’s anxious eyes - and cursed herself. She cupped the girl’s face in shaking hands and found a smile.

“They’re wonderful, my darling, just like you,” she whispered. “We didn’t need presents – after all, we love you, and that brings its own reward - but you couldn’t have chosen more beautiful ones. Your aunt and I will treasure them always.”

She leaned forward to kiss Ellie, unaware that all the others in the room, who had held their breath as they watched her teeter on the edge, were breathing sighs of relief. They were lost in admiration at the monumental effort she was making for the girl’s sake. Sister Patricia passed her own statue over to her Superior and took Ellie in her arms, turning her attention away from Hilda.

The latter picked up her angel and stroked the face a moment, then looked over at her friend, mute appeal in her face, her eyes dark with anguish, her control slipping away from her once more. In a flash, Mother Abbess was on her feet. She leaned over and gently pulled Ellie to her feet.

“Ellie, my dear, it’s getting very late and nearly time for Compline. Why don’t you leave all your things here and collect them in the morning? I’m sure your aunt would appreciate some help with her flowers and gifts.” She saw the girl’s glance at Hilda, whose head was now bowed. “I have something I need to tell Madame before we go to chapel, child. She’ll see you a little later.”

Sensing that all was not right, Ellie was reluctant to leave, but her aunt helped her collect the flowers, wall-hanging and statue then turned her towards the door. Hilda, perhaps realising how upset Ellie was, made one final effort. She caught hold of the girl’s free hand as she passed her, and spoke in French, her voice low and shaking with the effort she was making to control herself.

“Ma petite, ne t’inquiète, pas, je t’en prie. Please don’t worry….. It has been such a happy day. Thank you, child - for everything.”

She could manage no more. Quickly, Sister Patricia and Vivien ushered Ellie out, and Mother Abbess knew they would do all they could to make her understand. Without more ado, forgetting the girl completely in her mounting concern for Hilda, she sat on the couch and enfolded the trembling figure in her arms. A mother was needed and a mother would be provided.

“I’ll be close if you want me,” Sister Infirmarian whispered in Mother Abbess’s ear and then glided soundlessly away.

Mother Abbess pulled Hilda closer, feeling the rigidity of her body. “They’ve all gone, so let it out, daughter,” she commanded softly into soft brown hair. “The stresses and strains of these last few days have caught up with you at last. And today was too long, far too long. You’re worn out. You can’t keep on spending yourself for others as you have been. Something has to give eventually.”

Hilda struggled to control herself but the effort was in vain. She buried her face in the nun’s shoulder and the wail finally erupted from her, followed by another and another. Mother Abbess held her tighter and rocked her as the wails turned to wracking sobs that tore out of her painfully, convulsing her body.

“Why? ….Why?” she gasped out between the sobs, gripping the nun’s habit as though it was the only thing keeping her from breaking apart. “I ….don’t deserve….any of that…. I’ve done….nothing….”

“You’ve done more than you should, sweetheart. You deserve all of it, every single last drop,” said Mother Abbess firmly. “But I guess it was the final straw, wasn’t it? You were so sad yesterday, remember. Nell was so close and you couldn’t find any ease. I told you then that your emotions were all out of kilter. A good cry at that point might have helped, child, instead of storing it all up as you do. I’ve told you, I don’t mind how many times you weep, and neither does the Lord. He doesn’t expect you to forget Nell. Trusting Him doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. It will be two steps forward and one back for a long time yet, I’m afraid.”

The intensity of the sobs lessened a little as Hilda tried to focus on her friend’s words. “You spent so long helping Ellie last night. You put your own pain to one side and went down to that cellar when it was the last thing you should have done. But you did help Ellie, wonderfully, and she loves you for all you did. As do I. Every day, my respect and love for you increase, just when I think they can’t grow any more. Ellie is at peace for the moment, and you have made her very happy today. I want you to put her to one side for now. Weep for yourself, daughter, and your own anguish and loneliness.”

Her sweet voice gradually lulled Hilda into a quiet weeping that tore at one’s heartstrings. Mother Abbes laid her cheek on the top of Hilda’s head, cradling her closer, longing to take Hilda’s pain into her own heart and give her some peace.

“You know, darling, the words on that beautiful statue are the first words of a children’s prayer that Nell Wilson would have known well when she was little.”

Angel of God, my Guardian dear,
To whom God’s love commits me here,
Ever this day, be at my side,
To light, to guard, to rule and guide.


Hilda lay still and quiet against Mother Abbess, shaken by the occasional sob, but otherwise herself again. Through the mists of exhaustion and an aching head, she wondered to herself what it had all been about. Why had the gifts upset her so? Was it because she felt unworthy of so much love? Or was it simply that, when she was tired, her need of Nell loomed large?

She heard that sweet voice again, speaking quietly, soothingly. “Sweetheart, Ellie and Vivien chose exactly the right presents for you. Will you not be guarding and guiding Ellie every single day from now on? Will you not be a light in her darkness, will you not try to protect her from all harm? You will indeed be a guardian angel, and you will use all those gifts mentioned on those hearts of Vivien’s. For Vivien is right – you have walked with the Lord all your life and His Spirit has poured all those fruits of His into your own heart. You have each and every one of them – kindness and love and faithfulness and self-control. Though one could do with a little less of the latter! And you do indeed walk humbly with your God in great simplicity of heart.”

In the friendly silence of that panelled room, Hilda continued to lie against the nun, shoring up her own sudden weakness with some of the great strength and surety in her friend, and Mother Abbess knew that staying with Hilda and comforting her was of far more importance than going to Compline. Hilda was one of the Lord’s little ones just as much as Ellie was, and He loved her. Oh, how passionately He loved her!


Last edited by MaryR on Sun Dec 03, 2006 4:26 pm; edited 2 times in total

#301:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 9:34 pm
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Oh Mary!

I was half asleep when I started reading this, but the startling beauty of this last piece of writing soon grasped at the center of who I am, and held me right until the very end.

What a lovely ornament for Hilda to be given. I can understand her finally giving up at the sight of that last gift of understanding - something which utterly bears the definition of who she is on it. The detail you give is wonderful - and stunning. That God would love one who is mired by dirt, enough to send them their very own guardian angel, whether a real person or one of his host of angelic beings - and probably both, that is a stunningly beautiful thought, and oh so true.

Oh Hilda - how can you curse yourself - you are only human you know my dear, only God can keep hold of his emotions, and only He has any right trying!

Yes, those who understand are very right to admire her for her efforts. Being Hilda it's unlikely she could have done anything else, but it's still a monumental effort of human will causing it to happen.

MA's words to her are just right, and how glad am I that SI will be so close to them. Yes, compline is not as important as keeping Hilda right.

Thank you Mary Smile

#302:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 9:59 pm
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Poor Hilda - she's had such a busy, enjoyable but often emotional couple of days here, always putting others' needs ahead of her own that it's not surprising that this final gift is in its way, the last straw, especially for one who is still convalescent herself, though that is hard to remember. But the angel is such a beautiful gift, on top of all those others, too.

And of course, she is right in her realisation that her need for Nell and her grief for her loss will inevitably overwhelm her when she *is* so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. But she has made one formerly lonely young girl so very happy, too, with the gifts she has given her. As for those she and Sister Patricia have received, they are and will remain, wonderful reminders of the love and joy which has been given and received this day.

Thank goodness for MA's swift response, comfort and consolation - of course it is all right for Hilda to let her own emotions and reactions express themselves in tears, but she needs to be reassured about that, too, as only MA can do. And yes, staying with Hilda to give that reassurance and comfort is, at this juncture, more important than either of them attending Compline.

Surely this quiet time with MA, followed, I have no doubt, by a session with Sister Infirmarian will allow Hilda the peace she needs in order to relax and then to slip quietly into a healing sleep overnight.

Thanks, Mary.

#303:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 11:28 pm
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Thank you Mary. Beautiful and touching and oh so just right all at once.

#304:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:20 am
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Sometimes it is the beautiful and gracious that has the most power to bring one low - as is the case here. The angel is absolutely perfect, absolutely right, and yet affects Hilda more because of that.

And MA understands exactly why Hilda is weeping and how much the previous two days have affected her - just as she understands just how much of a guardian angel Hilda has been and will be for Ellie:
Quote:
Will you not be guarding and guiding Ellie every single day from now on? Will you not be a light in her darkness, will you not try to protect her from all harm? You will indeed be a guardian angel, and you will use all those gifts mentioned on those hearts of Vivien’s.


And that childhood prayer is lovely - it's not one that I know, although for some reason, when I read it, the Hansel and Gretel lullaby kept running through my mind.

Thank you Mary.

#305:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 11:48 am
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Oh, poor Hilda... Crying or Very sad

But what a beautiful gift, and how absolutely spot on Ellie's choice was. I do hope her aunt and Vivien will have been able to comfort her and reassure her that Hilda's distress was not because she didn't like her angel. And after that supreme effort of self-control, I hope Hilda will be able to find a measure of peace, surrounded by that 'friendly silence'.

Quote:
A mother was needed and a mother would be provided.

That really is too poignant for words...

Beautiful, as ever.
Merci, cherie.

#306:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:24 pm
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Gulp. Crying or Very sad
Absolutely lovely, Mary.
Words fail me yet again, I`m afraid...... but thank you so very much !

#307:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 9:24 pm
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Elder in Ontario wrote:
.... of course it is all right for Hilda to let her own emotions and reactions express themselves in tears, but she needs to be reassured about that, too, as only MA can do.

As you will see here, Elder.....! Squirrel and Cath, that prayer was one taught to me when little, just as I was taught that each of us has our own special guardian angel.


Finally a gentle murmur was heard in the silence. “Which is worse right now, child? Your sense of unworthiness – or your desperate loneliness?”

The response was a long time coming. “I’m so lonely it hurts,” Hilda eventually whispered, her need overcoming her deep reserve. “Not just my soul, but my body as well - how can that be?”

Silence fell again. Mother Abbess held her very close but said nothing. What would be the point? It would not alter the pain one jot.

The quiet murmuring came once more. “Yesterday she was so very near, but today – nothing. I stored up the happenings of today to tell you on my return, every last little detail, just as I used to do with Nell. But, when I got back…..all I wanted was to pour it all out to her. And now, these gifts, everyone’s kindness - I yearn to share it all with her. But she’s not there. I turn to her at some point every day to say something – and she’s not there.”

Pain seemed to encompass the room, so that even the fire lost its cheery glow in the face of Hilda’s distress. Mother Abbess could feel her own heart squeezed with the agony. “You shouldn’t have gone down to her belongings yesterday, child,” she whispered.

“It was stupid – but so vital. Ellie was in need.”

“And so are you, love, so are you. I will not let you go down there alone again.”

“But I’m always alone, Mother,” came the forlorn response and then Hilda turned up her face to look at her friend pleadingly. “And that just compounds the guilt, for I have you and Ellie and the sisters here and Gwynneth and Vivien and….”

“And it’s not enough,” breathed Mother Abbess. “I know that, child. I do understand. It will never really be enough ever again, for you lost the one who completed you.”

Beautiful and rich is an old friendship
Grateful to the touch as ancient ivory,
Smooth as aged wine, or sheen of tapestry
Where light has lingered, intimate and long.
Full of tears and warm is an old friendship
That asks no longer deeds of gallantry,
Or any deed at all – save that the friend shall be
Alive and breathing somewhere, like a song.
(Eunice Tietjens)


Scalding ears ran down Mother Abbess’s face in great rivulets as the trembling voice trailed away. What an exquisite and poignant testimony to a friendship that has survived the years. How had Hilda found the strength to recite it?

“But she’s not, is she?” whispered that same trembling voice. “Alive and breathing somewhere? The song has disappeared forever from my life. You told me to make my memories sing for me, but it's so hard....”

Mother Abbess, for once, could find no voice and no words. Hilda laid her head back on the nun’s shoulder. She looked down at the statue still in her lap, picked it up. “And so, all this love – it hurts. I don’t deserve any of it, nor your kind words.” Her voice was stark, flat. “How can I, if I still yearn for Nell so much? My constant need for her stops me from loving others as I should.”

Wiping her tears away with the back of her hand, Mother Abbess wondered silently how on earth Hilda could believe this. How did one convince her of the truth? Before she could say anything, however, Hilda hid her face in the nun’s shoulder again with a sob. Her lovely voice grew suddenly ragged with her anguish of heart.

“Oh, Mother, sometimes it’s so hard to believe that she’s gone for ever, that I’ll never again see her face, hear her voice. Despite my words last night, I want to hold her; I want to feel her arms round me; watch her walk through the door. Sometimes….sometimes I think my heart will break all over again with the wanting. And come nightfall, it’s so much worse. So often, the nights are endless – and the tears won’t come. And in the dark I whisper words of love which no one hears (Amy Lovell)”

Mother Abbess simply held her more tightly and let her talk – for the reticence that was so much part of Hilda very seldom allowed her to open up and reveal her deepest, darkest thoughts in this way. And once she returned to school she would do it not at all. The nun watched as Hilda looked down and ran her finger over the words at the base of the angel.

“I’m not fit to be anyone’s guardian angel, Mother. I’m so unworthy of this honour, so unworthy of your love, of God’s love. I’m failing everyone. Why did I fall apart like that? How I must have upset Ellie, when all she wanted to do was show her love for Patricia and me. What will she think of me? What must all of you think, when I spoilt all the kindness that sought only to give me pleasure?” She paused and then added in a whisper, “What must Nell think of me?” Another pause, and a despairing cry. “What must God think of me?”

Mother Abbess spoke into Hilda’s hair, a soft, reassuring whisper. “Nell hears all those words of love you think no one hears, child. Ellie hears them; we all hear them. For you are a most wondrously loving person, and your feelings for Nell only make you squander yourself even more for others. You fail no one, as I’ve told you before. The pity of it is that, all too often, it is we who fail you. We allow you to wear yourself out for others, forgetting how wounded you are, for you hide it so well. And not one of us, certainly not Nell, would ever think any the less of you for your monstrous pain.”

Mother Abbess tried desperately to keep her own voice from wobbling. Her throat was so tight it hurt to speak. “Please don’t despair, child; remember the joy you found on Christmas night. It’s still there, bubbling away under all the pain. You know He is by you, upholding you, just as you know Nell is there. And you also know that God’s love for you is irrevocable. One day, my gentle daughter, one day His inconceivable grace will mend that ruptured heart of yours.”

#308:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 9:39 pm
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Thank You Mary. I could really see Hilda and MA's interaction in this.

#309:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 9:49 pm
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Oh Mary. I read this, and then thought "how on earth can I comment on the beauty that is this post". As I thought, a song came to mind, the first line of which goes "you are beautiful beyond description" Google tells me that it is written by Mark Altrogg, and it is a description of how wonderful God is. However, this post is beautiful beyond description.

Quote:
Squirrel and Cath, that prayer was one taught to me when little, just as I was taught that each of us has our own special guardian angel.


I don't think I was ever actually *taught* that we all have our own special guardian angel, but I grew up aware of the concept, and the prayer was entirely new.


Quote:
“And so, all this love – it hurts. I don’t deserve any of it, nor your kind words.” Her voice was stark, flat. “How can I, if I still yearn for Nell so much? My constant need for her stops me from loving others as I should.”


I am awed - she still doesn't get it, does she? How could one, so giving, 'not deserve' the love that is returned to her. Love, which is merely a reflection of that which she gives out. Yet she doesn't understand this one iota. She gives every ounce that she can spare, and more, and yet she still accuses herself of not loving as she should. What is this demon which requires superhuman strength in loving while she herself is still suffering severely from such devastation? She is not God, nor should she pretend that she is!

Quote:
Wiping her tears away with the back of her hand, Mother Abbess wondered silently how on earth Hilda could believe this. How did one convince her of the truth?


I wish I knew the answer MA - I truely do.

I hope that she does fnd release from talking it over with her Mother - and I hope that in time, MA's words of wisdom will bring comfort to her heart.

Quote:
“I’m not fit to be anyone’s guardian angel, Mother. I’m so unworthy of this honour, so unworthy of your love, of God’s love. I’m failing everyone. Why did I fall apart like that? How I must have upset Ellie, when all she wanted to do was show her love for Patricia and me. What will she think of me? What must all of you think, when I spoilt all the kindness that sought only to give me pleasure?” She paused and then added in a whisper, “What must Nell think of me?” Another pause, and a despairing cry. “What must God think of me?”


Oh poor Hilda, what a poor human heart she still has, aching for the approval of others. And yet, she has the approval of all she has mentioned here. No, Hilda is not failing them - she is simply asking far too much of herself. And she needs to realise this fact. Oh Hilda, they do not condemn you, they are only concerned about you.

Quote:
You fail no one, as I’ve told you before. The pity of it is that, all too often, it is we who fail you. We allow you to wear yourself out for others, forgetting how wounded you are, for you hide it so well. And not one of us, certainly not Nell, would ever think any the less of you for your monstrous pain.”


Thank you MA - I hope that she takes your words to heart.

Mary, I appear to have written a mini-essay here. Those last words of MA's were also amazing, and I do hope that Hilda takes them in.

Thankyou for entrusting us with such beauty.

Thank you Mary

#310:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 10:20 pm
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That constant yearning that is not only an ache of the soul, but also a pain of the body. And the worst thing is that you can't tell them things because they are not there...
Quote:
all I wanted was to pour it all out to her
, and the nights that are endless in the beloved's absence.

The last lines of the poem cut right to the heart of it - all that is wanted is that
Quote:
the friend shall be
Alive and breathing somewhere, like a song.


And because of Hilda's immense capacity to love, and her sensitivity to others, that sense of guilt is so much the worse. She gives so much to others, is so aware of what others need that her own judgement of herself becomes so much harsher - adn MA is right, how do you get her to understand this?

But she says exactly the right things:
Quote:
remember the joy you found on Christmas night. It’s still there, bubbling away under all the pain. You know He is by you, upholding you, just as you know Nell is there. And you also know that God’s love for you is irrevocable.
And one day, she will be healed.

Thank you Mary.

Like Squirrel, I was brought up with the concept - but not the prayer.

#311:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 12:55 am
    —
Quote:
“I’m so lonely it hurts,” Hilda eventually whispered, her need overcoming her deep reserve. “Not just my soul, but my body as well - how can that be?” ...... “But I’m always alone, Mother,” came the forlorn response and then Hilda turned up her face to look at her friend pleadingly. “And that just compounds the guilt, for I have you and Ellie and the sisters here and Gwynneth and Vivien and….” ..... “And it’s not enough,” breathed Mother Abbess. “I know that, child. I do understand. It will never really be enough ever again, for you lost the one who completed you.”

“Please don’t despair, child; remember the joy you found on Christmas night. It’s still there, bubbling away under all the pain. You know He is by you, upholding you, just as you know Nell is there. And you also know that God’s love for you is irrevocable. One day, my gentle daughter, one day His inconceivable grace will mend that ruptured heart of yours.”



There is just so much in this that I could have quoted the whole passage, but I think that these pieces I *have* quoted really do say it all, don't they?

The loneliness, that well of loss, that sense of incompleteness which Hilda feels are all still so real to her that they sometimes overwhelm her understanding of the good that she continues to do, even without Nell and even though at some level, she does know what she does and why she has to do it. Of course she misses Nell and yearns to be able to pour out her heart and soul to her, both the large things and the smaller ones, while at the same time she feels guilty that she can't fully accept the hands of friendship and support which are being held out to her, simply because of the depth of her loss.

But this is all so much a natural part of her grieving process, though she can't yet see that for herself. Thank goodness for MA, who knows just when to speak and when to be silent but constantly seeks to reassure her. And that final reassurance, that yes, eventually she *will* heal, is so essential for Hilda to hear, over and over again at these moments of crisis when her grief overwhelms her once again.

Thank you, Mary, for another very moving section - once again you express that overwhelming sense of loss so effectively. I read this earlier, but I then had to go away and do other things for an hour before I could re-read it and formulate a response.

#312:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 5:27 am
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Poor Hilda -- so much anguish. Sad

Mary, we had the same 'Angel of God' prayer, except substituting "entrusts" for "commits."

#313:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 1:20 pm
    —
Crying or Very sad

Quote:
"...And now, these gifts, everyone’s kindness - I yearn to share it all with her. But she’s not there. I turn to her at some point every day to say something – and she’s not there.”

This is so poignant it hurts... The price of love is so high. But at least she has Mother Abbess; how much worse it would be if she didn't. Would her palpable despair have overcome her totally?

That poem is absolutely beautiful, and I too have no idea how Hilda managed to find the strength to say the words. This was another beautiful, if emotionally draining, scene. It must be exhausting to write...

Merci, cherie.

#314:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 9:49 pm
    —
As soon as I saw that poem I knew it had to be included - the words are just so beautiful. Thank you for all the generous comments.

Mother Abbess finally managed to restore Hilda to something resembling herself and turned her over to Sister Infirmarian, who had been lurking outside the door, keeping others at bay. The Superior then took herself off to Ellie’s room. Patricia and Vivien faded away as she tried to explain to the girl why Hilda had seemed so upset. But Ellie surprised her – reminding the nun that the girl was after all a young woman, a young woman who had suffered plenty of pain of her own. She stood before Mother Abbess and nodded her understanding.

“Sometimes, when one is tired, sympathy and love can be too much to bear - a heavy burden. This I know, Mère. May I see her? Just for a moment, to assure her she has not upset me at all. She was worried about me, n’est-ce pas?”

Mother Abbess stared at her. How Ellie's guardians were already influencing her! She might have suffered, and suffered badly, but a few weeks ago, even a week ago, her thoughts would have been for herself, not someone else. Mother Abbess stepped forward and enfolded the girl in her arms.

“Just for a moment, then, child. And, Ellie, I’m so proud of you.”

When they reached her room, Hilda was already in bed, her eyes closed. She had swallowed a sedative willingly, desperate to forget her pain for one night, at least, and it was already taking effect. The nuns stepped back, Mother Abbess noting with shock the deep and angry-looking grooves on the palms of Hilda’s hands.

Ellie knelt by the bed. She saw the statue, now standing in pride of place beside the origami angels; she saw also that Nell was back in her frame, for Ellie now had her own pretty frame. Even that Madame had thought about, reflected the girl.

For all her youth, Ellie could see that Hilda was nearly over. She could also see the paper white face and the black shadows, things she had not noticed earlier in her excitement. She quailed a little. Madame was far too good – why did she concern herself about such a selfish person as Ellie? She stroked Hilda’s face, her heart suffused with fierce love for her new guardian.

The blue-grey eyes opened sleepily, anxiety suddenly peeping out of them when Hilda distinguished Ellie’s face through the encroaching mists. “Ellie, child, I am so sorry for…”

Gentle fingers were laid on her lips. “Sh, Madame, je vous en prie. I’m not upset, except about you. You gave us all a wonderful time in London today, but wonderful, and you exhausted yourself. You did the same last night, when you made me the gift of your friend’s doll.” She smiled lovingly, her blue eyes aglow. “I meant all those words I said tonight, and I will go on saying them. I have a so beautiful person looking after me – no, two beautiful persons. But I must go, and let you sleep. We will talk in the morning. After all, we have a trunk to pack, n’est-ce pas? For now, ma très chère Madame, dormez bien, et faites de beaux rêves.”

Hilda’s heavy eyelids had already fallen. Her lips curved gently as she was told to have sweet dreams – and then came welcome darkness……

...........and she slept dreamlessly until nine o’clock the next morning. When she awoke she found Mother Abbess sitting beside her, quietly reading. The nun observed the white face as Hilda struggled into a sitting position.

“I’ve seen you look better,” she observed dispassionately. “But that sleep seems to have done you some good, thank God.”

Hilda reached out a slim hand, which the nun took and held. “Thank you,” she said simply, but the look in the blue-grey eyes spoke volumes.

“Will you still thank me when I tell you to stay there for the morning?” twinkled Mother Abbess, bracing herself.

“I have a trunk to pack,” stated Hilda quietly but with some force.

“But you can’t get in the room,” declared Mother Abbess triumphantly. “Ellie’s still asleep. You obviously wore her out as well, yesterday.”

Hilda stared at her. “Hmmm! How is it you always get your own way?” she fumed.

“I’m the Abbess,” said the nun grandly.

“No, I’m the Abbess,” retorted Hilda, even more grandly.

They glared at each other and then found themselves clinging to each other and giggling.

“Is that going to be your response every time I give an order?” asked Mother Abbess blandly. Hilda nodded, eyes glimmering with laughter, and the nun could only heave an inward sigh of relief at the calm after the storm. “You’re going to be in for a rude awakening, then, my dear! Postulants with delusions of grandeur end up on bread and water.”

“Perhaps I should stage a coup, a revolution. After all, I’ve been Abbess far longer than you! They would vote for me in a flash, for I am never that cruel to those below me in the pecking order,” said Hilda, egging her friend on.

“Who said anything about chickens?” choked Mother Abbess, and looked at Hilda’s alarm clock. “Though I do have to go and see a man about a mule.”

“You? What on earth for?” asked Hilda in some surprise. But suddenly, after a moment's thought, she frowned ferociously at Mother Abbess. “Oh, you wretch! That was beneath even you. To talk about me to my face like that, call me a….”

“Well, you were about to be stubborn, my dear, and refuse to obey me, claiming I always got my own way,” laughed the nun. “Seriously, you don’t need to get up till midday. I am indeed going out, though not to see about a mule – I’ll give you that! – and I shan’t be back till after three. So you have plenty of time after lunch to pack that trunk, for you and I will have to have our session later than usual.”

She eyed the face that was still looking white and very wistful, in spite of all the joking, though the black smudges had lightened to a deep violet. Hilda seemed very vulnerable and fragile this morning. Would what she had to say to her this afternoon add even more to her burdens? She hoped not.

She returned to the fray. “And if you misbehave while I am gone, and get up too soon – well, I should tell you that Pauline is in charge, so I leave you to her tender mercies. I would advise obedience,” she added with a distinct smirk.

Hilda glared at her, but was glad enough to snuggle down again and rest her weary, aching head and sad heart – and was rewarded by a kiss before Mother Abbess stole from the room.

#315:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:06 pm
    —
Thank goodness Hilda was able to get a good night's sleep which has at least partially restored her - and equally thank goodness that Ellie is still sleeping, so Hilda herself can turn over and do the same for a few more hours without worrying about the need to pack a trunk!

But how Ellie herself has matured in such a short space of time - those few loving words of reassurance to Hilda last night did so much to calm the latter as the sedative was taking effect.

And the continuing, loving banter between MA and Hilda in the morning had me giggling - the affectionate sparring is so good for Hilda, isn't it, even though the upshot is that she does obey *her* Abbess about getting some much needed extra rest.

Wonder what MA has to say to her in the coming afternoon session which she fears might be too much for Hilda's still-shaky equilibrium, but yet which has to be said before Hilda returns to school. I'll be looking forward to seeing the answer to this.

Thanks Mary.

#316:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:15 pm
    —
What do I love about this post and indeed this story? All of it.

But this post in particular?

I love the way we see a huge growth in Ellie's understanding and maturity.
I love the humour and the banter between Hilda and MA.
I love the way it hints of things to come and makes me wonder.

Thank you, Mary. Once again you take my breath away.

#317:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 11:34 pm
    —
*giggles* Oh Mary love! Fantastic!

Well Done Ellie! Just the thing that Hilda needed to hear to let her sleep. Last night Hilda helped Ellie sleep, and stayed with her until she did so. In her own way, Ellie is doing the same way for Hilda. Very Happy

Quote:

“I’ve seen you look better,” she observed dispassionately. “But that sleep seems to have done you some good, thank God.”


Oh Mary, what a wonderful sense of humour MA has. I can imagine Hilda didn't *quite* expect to hear that - or at least not so bluntly anyway.

Quote:
Hilda stared at her. “Hmmm! How is it you always get your own way?” she fumed.

“I’m the Abbess,” said the nun grandly.

“No, I’m the Abbess,” retorted Hilda, even more grandly.


Oh yes? But talk about a battle of wills! They *do* enjoy themselves together, do they not?

Oh love - they are just so clever in their useage of words. Lend me some? I could have done with it this evening I can tell you!

I'm glad that Hilda went to sleep again in the end - even if it was the threat of SI who caused it in the end.

Thanks Mary love.

#318:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 3:31 am
    —
Ah, that was lovely, especially the banter between them. Hilda has so missed that since she lost Nell, hasn't she? It can be so very lonely when there is nobody to tease you. And MA understands exactly what she needs - and is still able to circumvent her intentions very neatly!

And hoe sensitive and caring of Ellie to be able to thank and reassure Hilda in this way - and how she has grown to be able to understand that
Quote:
Sometimes, when one is tired, sympathy and love can be too much to bear - a heavy burden.


And Hilda did sleep, which is something to be thankful for.

Thank you Mary.

#319:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 4:25 am
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What a fine and peaceful end to the evening -- and a good way to wake up. Hope the rest of the day doesn't come crashing down....

#320:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 6:32 am
    —
I love the way the two of them egg each other on Laughing
Sometimes humour and good natured banter can be a wonderful restorative.

I`ve enjoyed catching up on this; it has certainly acted as a tonic on me, Mary, as well as on Hilda !

#321:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:39 am
    —
Thank you Mary - and I can't see Hilda submitting to anyone. Laughing

#322:  Author: MirandaLocation: Perth, Western Australia PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:52 pm
    —
Yay for Ellie who is such a nice girl! And double yay for MA and Hilda who hold such amusing conversations... Love the mule!!

But wondering what MA will be telling Hilda 'this afternoon'??

*waits (im)patiently*

#323:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 6:24 pm
    —
Wonderful!

The interactions between Hilda and Ellie are so lovely, and Ellie really is coming on. She has so much potential! Her relationship with MA is developing very nicely, too. And as for the relationship between MA and Hilda - just reading about such a warm and loving bond is heartwarming. The humour in this conversation is great - the two Abbesses made me laugh really rather loudly, not to mention the mule... I also love MA's smirk!

Quote:
Madame was far too good – why did she concern herself about such a selfish person as Ellie? She stroked Hilda’s face, her heart suffused with fierce love for her new guardian.


This relationship really does work both ways, doesn't it? And it seems that Ellie's love for Hilda is increasing all the time. Quite understandably, of course!

Absolutely beautiful, and very moving, particularly in the simplicity of Hilda's 'thank you' to MA.

Merci, cherie.

#324: Re: New Dreams (Part 11) Into the New Year p16 Updated 4/12 Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 8:52 pm
    —
Identity Hunt wrote:
But lots more about the elusive and enigmatic Sr Catherine, please, dear Mary !

Sian, you wrote that 17 pages back. Shocked Shocked Here it is finally, my dear, as promised! Sorry for the delay - and the length of the next few posts. Laughing

It was growing dark when Hilda knocked on the Office door later that afternoon, even though the time was only just after four o’clock. The temperature had plummeted and dark clouds lay like a grey velvet pall over the flat Norfolk landscape. She shivered and pulled her cardigan closer around her as she entered, welcomed by the warmth from the huge fire roaring up the chimney. All the lamps had been switched on, except for the rather harsh overhead light.

But what was this? As she turned from closing the door, eager to give the better news about Tessa, she discovered a third presence in the room. Seated in one of the armchairs was Sister Catherine, her stance upright as always, her face calm and still, giving nothing away. Hilda stopped and waited.

“Come and sir down, love,” came Mother Abbess’s voice from the other armchair. “I’m sorry for this intrusion into our daily session but Sister Catherine is leaving very shortly and wanted a word with you first.”

Hilda shivered again at the thought of venturing out into that cold. Surely snow could not be far away. She settled herself on the couch, aware of something in the atmosphere which disturbed her. Mother Abbess saw this, as she also saw that Hilda was still looking very white and fragile, and tried to put her at her ease.

“You looked as though you had some good news when you came in, sweetheart. About Tessa?”

Hilda nodded. A joyful smile illuminated her face. “Wonderful news - she’s finally managed to whisper a few words to her parents. John was over the moon.”

“As are you, I can see by that smile. I’m so pleased, child,” replied Mother Abbess softly. “I know how much you worry about your girls. And Tessa is rather special, isn’t she? But I have no doubt whatsoever that it had a lot to do with your flowers, and the promise of a visit.”

Hilda shook her head, for she was unwilling, after her breakdown last night, to accept any credit at all, and turned instead to the silent presence at her other side.

“But you wanted to speak to me, Sister,” she said politely.

Before Sister Catherine could speak, however, an unaccountably nervous Mother Abbess jumped in. “Hilda, I want to apologise in advance for any deception on our part since your arrival before Christmas. But there was a reason, a good reason, for…..”

“The end justifies the means, were you trying to say, Mother?” interrupted Hilda softly, one eyebrow raised, though she was still looking at the silent nun. She then proceeded to take the wind out of both women’s sails, by adding even more softly, “You’re not just a simple Sister at all, are you?”

She gazed speculatively at the still silent nun. “Nor are you here for the good of your health. Who are you really? Mother Provincial? Or Mother General?”

Sister Catherine continued to regard Hilda with a calm scrutiny, but her eyes widened as she realised she should have known better. With her clear perception, Hilda was not someone with whom subtlety or evasion would ever be successful. And after all, she had had many long years of summing people up – and, to anyone with eyes to see, it was quite clear that Sister Catherine was no ordinary woman, or nun.

“How did you know?” The nun finally broke her silence, her serene eyes all at once sharpening, boring into Hilda’s. “And how long have you known?”

“How did I know?” Hilda shrugged slightly, her own regard now clear and penetrating. “The wisdom in your eyes, the depth and incisive logic of your words and thoughts, the shrewd look that lays bare my every fault and failing.”

Sister Catherine’s lips twitched, but Hilda was deep in her thoughts. “How long have I known? I think I’ve known ever since our first long chat. Without giving any appearance of so doing, you probed deeply, discovered more than I wanted to tell you, made me dig deeper than I wanted to go.”

“They do say it takes one to know one,” said Sister Catherine thoughtfully. She, in her turn, was feeling the impact of intense, compelling eyes. “You could be talking about yourself.”

“You flatter me,” murmured Hilda. “Your eyes have seen further and deeper than mine ever will.”

Sister Catherine leaned forward. “Not so, Hilda. Believe me when I say your eyes have a quiet wisdom and acuity that are daunting and yet very appealing, for you add to them a loving kindness that heals what it reveals.” She smiled, and it transformed her grave face, “And I bow to your intuition and perception. Thank you for promoting me, but I am only Mother Provincial, in charge of our own small islands. But I do have Mother General’s permission to do as I think fit in the matter which brought me here.”

“Which is?” asked Hilda very quietly, her steadfast gaze never wavering from Mother Provincial’s intelligent face.

Mother Abbess could only wonder at Hilda’s calm resolve and quiet dignity in the presence of this challenging woman who had most people shaking in their shoes, be they lowly sisters or strutting politicians, for she did not suffer fools gladly and never, ever, took prisoners. She could be so dismissive that it took one’s breath away and left one to crawl away in ignominy. But the enormous respect she had for Hilda was clear in her every word and gesture.

It was Mother Abbess who took a deep breath and answered Hilda’s quiet question. “You, daughter. The matter which brought Sister Catherine here has to do with you.”

Hilda did not move, nor did her face alter. She continued to hold the younger nun’s eye, but there was a sudden deepening of her concentration as she contemplated all she had heard so far. All at once her eyes widened.

“I was on trial,” she stated, unmistakably shocked.

The Provincial said not a word, just went on watching Hilda in silence, but Mother Abbess had had enough.

“No, daughter, you were not on trial,” she cried forcefully. Hilda never moved. “Hilda, look at me,” she said commandingly.

The order was such that it could not be ignored, though Hilda found she had to force her gaze away from Mother Provincial’s hypnotic eyes. But when Mother Abbess saw the look in Hilda own eyes as they turned her way she knew she had to work fast, for they were blank, unresponsive. Hilda was feeling betrayed by what she thought they had done. After all, they had told her she could enter – so why should they be testing her, hiding from her who this nun really was? Something was wrong.

Mother Abbess swiftly moved to sit beside Hilda and took one of the cold hands in her warm ones. “Everything is fine, Hilda, I promise. Maybe even better than fine. Remember how you told me on Christmas night that you felt a sudden sense of urgency….”

Hilda nodded. “I felt He was telling me that if I didn’t come soon then it would be too late and this would never be mine,” she whispered, her eyes still flat, dismayed.

“And I asked you to wait awhile. You told me you trusted me. Well, your trust has been vindicated. Your waiting is over. Mother Provincial is here to help.”

Hilda said nothing, her hands did not move, but there was still no warmth in the steady eyes focused on Mother Abbess. The latter reached out and stroked Hilda’s cheek gently as her voice softened. “Daughter, when I sat by your bed in the San as you lay sleeping, it came to me that I cannot follow the Order’s rules where you are concerned.”

Hilda’s eyebrows shot up at this enigmatic comment and sudden vulnerability peered out from her eyes. Despite Mother’s words, was she about to lose what she had found?

“Relax, child. There is nothing to fear.” Mother Abbess’s voice had never been sweeter. “I decided then and there that I would be wasting your life if I allowed you to spend three or four years as a postulant and novice. You are too wise and too loving to lie fallow – we need you now. But I couldn’t take any drastic steps on my own, which is why I couldn’t tell you anything. I took my problem to Sister Catherine here, who took it to the top, to Mother General. But they couldn’t just take my word about your formidable nature – hence her presence here.”

Cheekbones suddenly standing out sharply, Hilda’s pale face had bleached white as Mother Abbess was speaking. The nun’s hands were being crushed as though in a vice. “What are you trying to tell me? I can’t leave the school yet.” Her voice was husky, her eyes deep wells of uncertainty......

#325:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 8:59 pm
    —
Mary !!!!! Shocked
Thank you for giving me more about Sr Catherine, but it isn`t enough !

I think you need to come back to the computer right now and stop me hurtling off this cliff Wink

Well, I never expected this to happen. ..................

#326:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 9:58 pm
    —
What are they trying to tell her, indeed? I can hazard a guess, going on what has already been said here, but I'll contain myself until you tell us, Mary!

But *what* insights here - that Hilda spotted so quickly that Sister Catherine was no 'mere' Sister, that she sees in her those very traits which are so much her own, as Sister Catherine is so quick to point out, and the reasons why Sister Catherine has been observing her so closely and questioning her so searchingly. I loved Hilda's wry comment 'nor are you here for the good of your health!'

The outcome, that Hilda will be admitted to full membership of the order without having to go through her period of probation and novitiate is a huge compliment to her and what she has already accomplished - I'm sure that very few would-be postulants, even those entering later in life, would be granted this privilege. But now, of course, they have to tell her just how and when, don't they?

I can fully understand why MA is so much on the alert to ensure that this turn of events doesn't throw Hilda completely, especially when she is still so fragile. And I love the way both she and Sister Catherine apologise for their 'deception' - which Hilda has clearly seen through anyway!

Thanks, Mary - like Identity Hunt, I'm waiting eagerly for the next part.

#327:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:21 pm
    —
Mary!!!! I would say I loved this post. But then, you see, it ended in a cliff and now I'm left clinging on madly for dear life. Cruel and unusual punishment. That's what this is.

#328:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:20 pm
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Oh, poor Hilda - thinking they were going to tell her she wasn't good enough to enter and that her dream would be taken from her before it could even begin to be fulfilled! Of course she would think that - I hope MA has managed to reassure her in time to stop her going any further down that path. Bless Hilda, she really can't see that there isn't any question of her not being good enough - rather, the question is exactly how much better than average she is! She had seen through the 'deception' as far as Sister Catherine was concerned, but had no inkling of its implications for herself.

I'm so pleased to hear Tessa has improved a little, as well, though the news was somewhat overshadowed. Look forward to hearing that she has made more progress soon. (Please?!)

Quote:
Her voice was husky, her eyes deep wells of uncertainty......

Poor thing! Put her out of her misery soon - she's still so exhausted...

Beautiful, Mary. And don't even think of apologizing for the length: the longer the better, I say!

Merci, cherie.

#329:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:51 pm
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Very pleased that Tessa is better. As for the nuns' ideas - it will be a compliment to her and one well earned.


Thanks Mary

#330:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:19 am
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As I've been 'off-board' recently, may I just say how moving I found Hilda's missing of Nell, the lack of the person whom she automatically turned to to share things, the lack of the one person she wants/needs which is not compensated for by all the other friends and perceived affection, the longing to hold and be held again - and the beautiful poem.
Also liked Ellie's growth in maturity and wisdom.

And today ... I suspected this was going to happen, but had forgotten about it, and didn't suspect Sister Catherine anyway! Of course it would be a waste for Hilda to go through a novitiate - but I do hope we see her back at the school. There's still the Nancy/Kathie situation to sort out!
And what a lovely description of Hilda and her
Quote:
loving kindness that heals what it reveals

#331:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:56 am
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Hmmm! Mary, I seem to recall some speculation about Sr Catherine (excellent name!) in the dim and distant past.....and you smiled serenely and left us wondering, but now we KNOW!

And as the lady herself remarks '“They do say it takes one to know one!” so of course Hilda would recognise her for being what she is.

And of course this was a tremendous shock for her, and for a moment it must have seemed as if she was about to lose what was offered before she had a chance to reach out for it - but what a compliment MA and Sr Catherine have given her. Hopefully, she will accept what they say, and understand why they did it.

Too long? Definitely not!

#332:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 11:56 am
    —
Appologising for the length of it? I'll have you know that I'd only want it to be longer.

Thank you for the update on Tessa. I look forward to more of that story as and when.

Oh what a conversation. Poor Hilda, feeling trapped between the two of them. Feeling as if her trust has been misplaced. And well done MA for coming to the fore and trying to tell your stubborn daughter what she should have known.

Oh how easy it is to immediately think the worst - how human it is.

Having said that, I say poor Hilda, the nun's havn't exactly had this conversation all their own way either! She seems to know exactly what she is doing as she begins to interrogate Sister Catherine. I am glad that she got so far into who and what Sister Catherine is.

Yet, how like Hilda again, to not realise that all she comments about as being true of Sister Catherine is also true for herself. Oh, but she cannot see - or do I mean that she will not see?

I am so glad that MA now knows Hilda so well that she can answer those unspoken questions of hers.

I am now waiting to hear exactly what MA, MP and even MG!!! might be planning for Hilda. And know that Hilda is still jumping to conclusions - this might be an interesting interview!

Thanks Mary.

#333:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 10:02 pm
    —
.....Cheekbones suddenly standing out sharply, Hilda’s pale face had bleached white as Mother Abbess was speaking. The nun’s hands were being crushed as though in a vice. “What are you trying to tell me? I can’t leave the school yet.” Her voice was husky, her eyes deep wells of uncertainty.

Mother Abbess’s eyes went to the other nun’s. Mother Provincial was not a woman given to many words and she had been waiting to see what Hilda would make of her friend’s explanation. Now she spoke, but her crisp voice was unusually gentle.

“Hilda, why don’t you allow Kate the use of her hands - then sit back, take a deep breath and we will try to explain? Maybe setting the scene was the wrong way to go about this.”

“Come on, sweetheart,” breathed Mother Abbess quietly. “It will be alright, I promise. You have nothing to fear, nothing at all. Just the opposite, in fact.”

She loosened her hands from the fierce grip, made Hilda more comfortable and sat herself close to the tense figure, offering silent support. Mother Provincial’s lips twitched again as she looked into the two pairs of intent eyes fixed unwaveringly on her.

“I feel like a dartboard, waiting for the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,” she joked, mixing her metaphors in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. “You two together are enough to make even me, tough old bird that I am, want to run for cover. You know, there are those who would say you are both wasted here, hidden in this convent, but I don’t happen to think that at all. The Order needs strong women if it is to make any real difference in this world.”

She saw Mother Abbess’s eyes raised to Heaven in exasperation, and she smiled involuntarily. “Patience, woman!” she commanded gently. “Not one of your strong points, I know, but I thought you were working on it! Take a lesson from Hilda here, sitting so quietly while wondering what on earth is going on.”

She smiled so warmly at Hilda that the latter felt sudden tears prickle behind her eyes. “My dear, I’m sure you have worked out by now that Kate walks roughshod over the Rules when it suits her. I have so much trouble with her that sometimes I feel a little like Henry the Second, when he asked would no one rid him of that turbulent priest, his friend Thomas Becket. I think turbulent is a very good description of Kate.”

She relaxed a little when she saw Hilda’s fond glance at Mother Abbess, who had gasped in wild indignation at such words. Ignoring the nun's gasp and Hilda's glance, she continued gravely, “I happen to agree with most of what she would like to do, or indeed with what she does, but obviously I myself have to be a great deal more circumspect in what I allow, as I have to see how it will affect the whole Order. She came to me with a programme of what she would like for you, on your path to becoming a fully-professed Sister – a programme that would by-pass almost completely the normal Noviciate as followed by our Sisters.”

Hilda gasped out loud, but then controlled herself and focused her attention even more intently. How Sister Catherine admired her patience and self-control! Most people would have been on their knees by now, begging to be put out of their misery.

The calm, even voice continued quietly. “My first instinct was an outright No. After all, it had never been done and why should the rules be altered for one person? But then I prayed about it, gave it some thought, went and perused the Order’s records. I listened to all she had to say about you and was impressed. But I also saw how partisan she was. Could I trust her? Was she blowing you up out of all proportion?”

Hilda finally moved. She turned her head to look at her friend. The blank look was gone. Instead her eyes held so much love. Partisan indeed! Mother Abbess had been on her side from the beginning, had upheld her, steadied her, led her out of the darkness. She put out a hand and Mother Abbess held it enclosed in hers.

Hilda turned her head back to Mother Provincial. “So you came here to see what and who I am,” she stated quietly. “I can tell you this much – I am less than she thinks I am, far less. She gives me far too much credit.”

Yet again she felt the blast of those penetrating eyes as they considered her. She was tempted to shuffle nervously, but sternly resisted the urge. She was a grown woman, after all.

“I don’t agree with you, my dear,” said Sister Catherine very quietly, surprising Hilda. “I don’t even agree with Kate here. You are far more than even she realises. And you will outstrip her in very short order, special as she is.”

Her clear blue eyes glimmered with laughter as Mother Abbess whispered triumphantly under her breath, “Told you, love!” Hilda herself just sat there, jaw dropping, eyes wide with shock at such blunt words from this plain-spoken woman.

“Believe it, Hilda,” said Mother Provincial very firmly. “All that I have seen this Christmas has convinced me that Kate is right, that we must not let you and your talents, your wealth of experience, go to waste. God would not be happy. What you are doing for Ellie and for your Head Girl was only the icing on the cake of my resolve to make this work. And, if I may say so, I revelled in the trick you played on Kate here, even hearing it at second hand! I would admit no one who had no sense of humour, and you have it in abundance for such a quiet, controlled person.”

Mother Abbess laughed out loud, but Hilda merely smiled, her concentration intense. “Oh, Mother can’t keep a secret to save her life – there’ll be a few more swords of Damocles before we’re through with each other.” Mother Abbess snorted, but Hilda grew serious again. “All those conversations, which I now know you so cleverly engineered, were indeed putting me on trial, though, weren’t they, Sister?”

Mother Provincial shook her head. “You were never on trial, Hilda. Your acceptance into this convent was given a long while ago – that would never have been rescinded. I trust Kate, which is why I gave the whole idea careful consideration, but I wanted to see for myself this woman she admires so much, see whether she had the necessary stamina for what Kate wanted.”

She mused a moment, and conceded a point. “Though I suppose the night Ellie went missing prompted me into playing Devil’s advocate. I wanted to see how far I could push you, for you sat there so quietly and yet took control of the whole situation without ever raising your voice. Push you? Hah! You had my measure right from the start and never blinked. After that, I think I had already made up my mind. I just wanted to get to know you, search your heart, discern your spirit.”

“Oh, you’re very good at that,” whispered Hilda. “But where is all this leading? Just what did Mother want from you? How can I pssibly by-pass the Noviciate?”

The Provincial looked her straight in the eye. “She wanted my agreement to let you use your school holidays to work through your postulancy and some of your Noviciate, so that when you entered next year you would be close to taking your final vows.”

Hilda stared at her, eyes huge and distended, face absolutely ashen. She was gripping Mother Abbess’s hands hard again.

“I don’t understand,” she whispered blankly.

Mother Provincial looked at Mother Abbess, who gently turned Hilda’s head her way. “That sense of urgency you spoke of, sweetheart – I too have been feeling it for a good while. Your gifts are many and varied, all of them needed here and now. In a way one could say you’ve spent your Noviciate out in the world, amassing all that vast experience of yours. Why wait until you are too old to use it?”

She paused and then added very quietly, “But this holiday I’ve seen so much more. I’ve seen that loving severity, that deep integrity, that blazing commonsense and authority – and your love, that selfless love you have for others.”

Hilda by now was shaking her head in disagreement, but then Sister Catherine took a hand.

“Kate is right, Hilda,” she said very softly. “What you are doing for Ellie is beyond anything I have seen before. You take our Lord’s words to heart more than most. I don’t know where or how you learned to love like that, but Ellie is very, very blessed. And that love seems to be combined with a great gift for listening – you could give our Sisters a master class in how to listen non-judgementally. And our guests need that above everything. In fact, you have so little to learn that it’s rather frightening. You’re almost too perfect.”

Mother Abbess laughed. “You forgot the stubbornness, Mother, and the lack of care for herself, and the vivid imagination that allows her to get worked up, and the sense of guilt for all she thinks she hasn’t done, and the iron self-control and the unwillingness to be obedient when she feels she is right. After all, she is an Abbess!”

“And a very good one she will make some day,” put in Sister Catharine with total conviction, much to Hilda’s total stupefaction. The younger nun smiled at Hilda. “It seems that Kate is not blinded by her love for you – and that’s something that was worrying me. I’m glad you do have faults. Perfection can be very off-putting.”

“Mother, I am anything but perfect, as the friend I have just lost could have told you,” whispered Hilda. “And I will be bringing my grief for that friend into the Convent with me. But I still don’t really understand. What you’ve just said – about the holidays – it’s not possible, surely!”

#334:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 10:10 pm
    —
Well. Sister Catherine certainly knows how to draw things out doesn't she? Even now we are only *just* getting to where we need to be. I have a funny feeling that there is much, much more to come.

I am very pleased that Hilda has eventually relaxed though, and is now able to seek comfort from MA properly. I admire the way that Hilda copes with it all - even as a reader, I'm hanging on to every word that SP says, and trying to work out what import it holds.

But to work through so much of her time as a postulant and noviciate during the holidays is a good idea. What is it hiding though? What more is Sister Catherine hinting at with those words about how much more than MA she can be? Surely there must be something.

Poor Hilda - I think she has already heard so much more than she can actually take in here. Yet she needs her questions answered, and it is only because her questions need answered that she is going to be even more overwhelmed - she cannot understand the answers really - for it is her not understanding that leads to it.

And if SP has said it's possible, then it obviously must be possible. Unusual, yes, but also very possible.

Thank you Mary - you have left lots of questions. I look forward to the next post where you will hopefully be able to answer some of them.

#335:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 10:33 pm
    —
I read to the end at my swiftest speed, then went back and savoured it! There was so much here...MA's clear awareness of Hilda, Sr Catherine's careful explanation of her plans for Hilda and the reason behind her actions, Hilda's patience and careful listening, and the stunning revelation of just what MA and Sr Catherine have planned.

I heartily concur with these words
Quote:
The Order needs strong women if it is to make any real difference in this world.
And just how strong, in different ways, these women are, and they all recognise one another as leaders.

How well Mother Provincial knows both MA (I loved the Thomas á Becket allusion!) and Hilda, and how well she exercises her judgement given the unusual nature of this situation. And that is an amazing comment:
Quote:
I don’t even agree with Kate here. You are far more than even she realises. And you will outstrip her in very short order, special as she is.
A remarkable awareness of a truly remarkable woman. And she's right: Hilda is bringing her talents to the correct place, and she is needed there.

And there is also so much humour and goodwill here. And than goodness Mother Provincial "would admit no one who had no sense of humour." And she does see Hilda's faults, which is also necessary.

Thank you Mary - looking forward to the next post!

#336:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 10:51 pm
    —
Beautiful - it's a real treat to watch Sister Catherine and MA teasing out the real truth of this situation, and, eventually, explaining to Hilda just what they would like her to do, all much to the latter's bewilderment. Like Cath, I have found so much to savour here.

I love Sister Catherine's assessment of MA herself, and can quite see, knowing the relationship which has been established between MA and Hilda, just why she had to see for herself that Hilda was, indeed, all that MA claimed her to be - and proclaim with such satisfaction that she will oustrip MA, her mentor, very quickly. So many compliments, but such a frank analysis at the same time, and such a shrewd assessment of all the wonderful things Hilda has done.

As for Hilda working out most of her novitiate during her holidays - the very idea that the traditional routes can be bypassed in this way is a huge compliment to Hilda in itself, and the fact that Sister Catherine is willing to authorise it is a huge compliment to an Order which is willing to bend rules when the powers that be think it an advantage to do so. But of course, as MA says, Hilda has indeed practically spent her novitiate out in the world, so why shouldn't they benefit from her work as a Sister with the least delay possible.

And of course they understand that Hilda will still bring her grief for Nell to the convent with her - this loss of her true 'other half' will never fade away completely, whatever other relationships may develop.

Thanks, Mary - I'm looking forward to the next part of this conversation.

#337:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:21 am
    —
I'd wondered about Sister Catherine's role.... Thanks for the explanation. Smile

Brilliant idea about the novitiate! I was having problems seeing Hilda as a novice among novices. Just so they don't push her too far, too fast -- and just so the urgency doesn't mean Mother Abbess is about to fall under a truck and need a replacement.

Thank you, Mary.

#338:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 4:57 pm
    —
More! More! Not long *enough*, my dear! I could quite happily have carried on reading for many more pages.

I must say, I rather like Sister Catherine (and not just, as Cath pointed out, because she has a good name!) Someone more perceptive than Mother Abbess is hard to imagine, but here she is - and what a good plan the two of them have come up with. Given that, as far as I understand it (which I admit is not very far), one of the main parts of being a novice is to learn self-control and submission, and so on, Hilda really would be marking time, not to mention making the other novices feel completely unworthy and inadequate, which I don't suppose would be beneficial to anyone.

There are so many strands blended together in this conversation - fear, apprehension, humour, love, understanding - and all handled with great skill and a lovely light touch. More, please - lots more!

Merci, cherie.

#339:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:10 pm
    —
Kathy_S wrote:
... just so the urgency doesn't mean Mother Abbess is about to fall under a truck and need a replacement.

Kathy, would I do that? Twisted Evil

Thank you all for the generous comments but this conversation goes on...and on...and on.... Shocked Blame Hilda. Laughing



..... This way, when you do enter, you will need to spend perhaps only six months finishing your Noviciate. The way will then be clear for your final vows in very short order.”

Hilda had been staring at Mother Abbess blankly, as though she was speaking a foreign language. Silence fell, and the two nuns waited, Mother Abbess’s anxiety plain for all to see. Suddenly, Hilda swung round to the Provincial.

“And you agree with this? All of it?” Her voice was harsh.

Sister Catherine simply nodded, her eyes serene and still as always, but aware of everything: every emotion, every thought, every inward tremor. She knew what a seismic shock this must be for Hilda. It would be so for anyone. Pole-axed might be a good description of her facial expression at that moment.

Abruptly, Hilda stood on trembling legs and walked towards the window. She stood there gazing out, arms wrapped round herself as though for protection. Her absent gaze took in the thick, white snowflakes swirling and frolicking out there in the darkness, a dance as crazy as the one going on inside her head. Unable to keep still, she paced the room, head bowed, arms now crossed in front of her, unaware of the time passing or the women watching her so quietly. She fetched up against the couch, leaned on the backrest.

She met Sister Catherine’s wise eyes silently. Then, gathering her breath, her voice still harsh, she hurled her fears down at the nun’s feet almost like a gauntlet.

“It’s impossible. What were you thinking? How much could I do in three weeks at Easter?”

There were so many questions that she was unable to voice them all and Sister Catherine, sensing this, sought to cut through the confusion. “Mother Abbess will take on the role of Novice Mistress. You will have intensive one on one sessions – and join the other postulants for the occasional lecture. That is why I said you needed stamina. It will not be easy, Hilda.”

Hilda homed in on one thing only. “But Mother is too busy already. She won’t have time for all that.”

Sister Catherine smiled. “She will hand over to her Prioress for those three weeks, on my express orders.” Hilda gasped out loud, opened her mouth to speak, but the nun held up her hand. “Yes, we’re altering things for you; yes, it means extra work for others; no, it will not be easy – for Kate or for you. It’s a risk. But a risk I am prepared to take, knowing you as I now do. And Kate has experience of being Novice Mistress. But,” she stopped and considered Hilda, then added firmly, “handing you over to her is for her benefit as well, Hilda.”

Hilda’s eyebrows almost jumped into her hair at this strange comment and the nun leaned forward to make her point. “She’s right when she says you have as much to give to her as she to give you, even though she’s an Abbess and you not yet even a postulant. You can teach her so much about listening to others and understanding them. Your perception is unique. And also, perhaps, you can teach her some of your gentleness and understanding with our younger guests, of whom we are getting rather more than we used to.”

Hilda glanced at Mother Abbess, who grinned. “You know I’m too forthright. I scared Ellie half to death. So help me. You’re used to adolescents and their contrariness.”

Before Hilda could reply, the Provincial added very softly, “You also offer Kate a selfless love she receives from no one else, not simply because she is in command but because of who she is. You have opened her heart in a way no one else has ever been able to do. So I don’t think I am going to change what there is between you, nor do I think we should try. You will always be her equal, speak your mind, match her thought for thought – no matter how lowly your position. And I suspect you yourself also need that selfless love from someone, don’t you?”

Hilda stared at her wide eyed and nodded, then whispered, “But Religious are not supposed to have special friends.”

“Oh, I think it’s too late for that, far too late,” responded the Provincial. “And I don’t think either of you will let it get in the way of your love for God or for your Sisters in Christ. I think – no, I know – it can only be for the good of the community, for we all need support if we are to do our job properly. You have both given so much to each other this Christmas that I have no fear at all about any of it. I think God has been very much in charge of the pair of you – and who am I to go against Him?”

By this time Hilda was feeling a little like Alice, lost in Wonderland and totally and utterly bewildered. All her thoughts, all her ideas, all her plans were being stood on their head – as indeed were the rules of this Order. Just for her? She was no different from other people so why were they doing it? It didn’t make sense!

Nell, what are you playing at? Help me get to grips with this. Hold me. Guide me.

Always, lovely girl, each and every day and for always. Just listen to them, be advised by them, do as they ask. This is your path from now on, and you must follow it to the end, wherever that end may lead you.


After leaving her to assimilate some of what she had heard, Sister Catherine began to speak again. “During the summer holidays, I fail to see why you can’t combine some learning with the other novices while still having more of those intensive sessions with Kate here. Neither do I see any problem with you working with our guests. Even though you will not be professed, I would trust you absolutely there. You had one elderly gentleman eating out of your hand the other night, you know. He sat there and quoted poetry about you quietly under his breath, very complimentary poetry, too, I might add.”

She grinned as Hilda gazed at her in open-mouthed confusion. Even Nell, with all her turbulence, had never made her feel quite as she did now. The Provincial took pity on her and said gently, “It will work, Hilda. I’ve thought about this very carefully, especially while I have been here. I have learned as much as I can about you, and I have not been let down. Kate didn’t do you justice when she told me about you.”

Hilda stood there, her expression a mix of bewilderment, awe and a strange misery, as she gazed unseeingly into the fire. Her great respect for this woman insisted she was being told only the truth – but it seemed to be the truth about someone else, someone far worthier than she. Mother Abbess sat there looking up at her, worried by that hint of distress.

“Hilda, child, what’s bothering you about this?” she asked quietly.

Hilda glanced down at her. “You mean apart from everything?” she asked dryly, then added starkly, “Ellie…..what am I going to do about Ellie?

“Ah!” sighed the nun. She patted the seat of the couch. “Come and tell us, sweetheart.”

Hilda walked round the couch and perched uneasily on the edge, her eyes swivelling from one Sister to the other. They regarded her gravely.

“I hope you don’t think I’m being awkward,” she began hesitantly. “After all, you have just offered me something strange and rather wonderful. But now that Ellie and I have found each other, how can I desert her? She would have to return here for the holidays, and I had so wanted to make up to her for all she has missed.” She caught her breath. “Indeed, I had already been planning to take her away somewhere during the long summer break.”

“For how long?” asked Mother Abbess, glancing across at Mother Provincial.

Hilda shrugged her shoulders. “Two, maybe three, weeks.”

“But that would be no problem,” responded Mother Abbess. “That leaves weeks and weeks of the holiday. And would Ellie really mind, as long as she is near you, and near her aunt?”

Hilda looked doubtful, but Sister Catherine came to her aid. “Time with Ellie could be built into your life as a novice – indeed, should be built in, for she looks on you as a mother.” Hilda stared at her, dumbfounded and the nun nodded. “I’m afraid so, dear. She loves you very much and has absolute trust in you. And if you hadn’t worried about her I might have had second thoughts. I might have wondered if I had read you wrong. But I haven’t – and she will not be forgotten. I see her as part of your special vocation.”

Hilda still appeared dumbfounded, but now said slowly, “And it could be that by then she will have made some good friends, and girls often ask each other to spend time with them during the holidays.”

Or Vivien might offer, thought Mother Abbess to herself, knowing how much Hilda’s younger colleague also now loved the girl. But she kept the thought to herself.

Silence fell, a strangely companionable silence, as Hilda slowly accepted their words. The others left her in peace to sort it all out in her mind and sat smiling at each other, understanding in their eyes. Mother Abbess wondered if her friend was communing with Nell at this strange moment of her life, as she would have done if Nell had still been alive.

Hilda raised her head, asked in sudden wonder, “Can it be done? Would you really risk it?”

“Yes, it will work,” answered Sister Catherine, “because you two will make it work. I have no doubt at all on that score. It will be hard for you, though. Most teachers are exhausted by the end of the term and need the holidays to recuperate. You’re a Headmistress, you’re even more exhausted. And yet we’re asking you, not to relax, but to work even harder. And I don’t think you are particularly strong at the moment. So if we tell you to take it easy at any point, you must obey.”

Here she scowled ferociously at Hilda, who glanced in affront at Mother Abbess. The latter simply raised her eyes to the ceiling and whistled softly under her breath. Hilda dug her lightly in the ribs and then faced the Provincial again, pulled a face and nodded in acquiescence.

Resisting the urge to smile, Sister Catherine spoke again. “But you’re a leader. You’re a teacher – indeed, a born teacher, to judge by your words and actions. We’re worried you’ll miss it when you enter.”

“But all of life is compromise, isn’t it, Mother?” asked Hilda quietly. “We mustn’t expect to have everything. And I have had so much over the years. Of course I will miss the teaching, the girls. But grief pointed out that it was time to move on, that the school needed new direction. And here – well, I will still be doing a lot of what I do in school, won’t I?”

Especially if you become Novice Mistress, reflected the Provincial silently. And she had an idea that day was not far off. Hilda was indeed a born teacher and her wisdom should not be wasted.


Last edited by MaryR on Fri Dec 08, 2006 1:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

#340:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:22 pm
    —
That was absolutely perfect. And whilst I really would like to see how this conversation ends I don't think it's dragging on at all!

#341:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:36 pm
    —
Aha - that unspoken thought indeed tells us all - I *knew* there had to be something more, something that Hilda herself is nowhere near ready to hear. But I digress, there is much much more of this most wonderful post to get to before the ending.

Poor Hilda, she feels attacked on all sides here, doesn't she. First Sister Catherine, then MA, round in on her, telling her things about herself that her mind doesn't want to accept. She is banging her head against a brick wall - a wall that has to come down.

Sister Catherine and MA have *certainly* done their thinking well. They have everything planned - how Hilda can get the work done, even about how Ellie must be catered for - and yes, MA I also wondered about Vivien, but that is something that only the future will show.

I love the thought that MA will be learning from Hilda, just as Hilda learns from her. Of course, these two loving people have much to learn from each other.

I love the thought that in this case, rules were made to be broken, or at least bent, for the good of the community. Hilda of course, coming from a place where the rules were not the sort which *could* be bent - except perhaps in extreme circumstances - will find this idea totally unfamiliar, especially with the idea that this would all happen for her. She has no idea of her real value to the community has she?

Oh Mary, there is little more I could say about this - it goes beyond my ability to comment.

So I shall wrap this up by saying 'thankyou' for such a beautiful piece of writing.

#342:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 12:17 am
    —
I'm gasping at the implications of this for Hilda. A tremendous compliment, yes, and an mindblowing level of acceptance of her unique gifts and experience - but she's going to be wrung out like a dishcloth! Fortunately Sister Catherine at least recognises the enormity of what they're asking her to do, though just telling Hilda to rest doesn't always work, does it! I have to admit I don't really know what the noviciate involves at all, but it sounds like hard work. And, as SC said, Hilda's not strong yet.
I wibble slightly about the sense of urgency that runs through all of this. Obviously it makes no sense at all for Hilda's talents to be wasted, but, from all of them, Hilda included, there's a feeling of 'this must be done before it's too late'. Hmmmm.

#343:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 1:12 am
    —
This whole piece is just mind-blowing - I've now read it 3 times and each time there is more to wonder at. But if I had to choose a bit which really says it all, I'd pick this:

Quote:
“Yes, we’re altering things for you; yes, it means extra work for others; no, it will not be easy – for Kate or for you. It’s a risk. But a risk I am prepared to take, knowing you as I now do. And Kate has experience of being Novice Mistress. But,” she stopped and considered Hilda, then added firmly, “handing you over to her is for her benefit as well, Hilda.” ..... “She’s right when she says you have as much to give to her as she to give you, even though she’s an Abbess and you not yet even a postulant. You can teach her so much about listening to others and understanding them. Your perception is unique.


Sister Catherine is definitely convinced that Hilda's postulancy period will be a learning experience for MA as well and that each of them will learn just as much from each other as they can teach each other. And she is going to get her way here, too, come hell or high water!

I just love the way that, as Hilda raises each objection to their plans, the other two come back with answers which gently, but firmly, defuse them. And I love that it is her consideration of Ellie's needs which is the final thing convincing Sister Catherine that what she is suggesting for Hilda is both right and fully justified - and 'doable' as an exception to the Order's usual rules.

Hard work? Yes, of course. Exhausting, because in effect she will go from the rigours of termtime to the rigours of the novitiate and her special sessions with MA? Definitely, which is why the rider is already added that she will have to obey implicitly any instructions to rest she may be given. A leap of faith? Yes, but with the strength of these three, one which can only succeed.

I share some of Tara's unease about this sense of urgency running through all of this. Both MA and Sister Catherine have fully realised just what strengths Hilda will bring to their Order and I think the sense of urgency stems from their real desire to harness those qualities in full service of a changing Order as soon as possible - before the Order itself loses strength through being unwilling to progress with the times. But their first task is to convince Hilda that this can be done without depriving her of those promised last years at the School - and from Hilda's point of view, that is probably the most urgent thing at this minute.

Thank you, Mary - I am really looking forward to seeing more of this conversation. Too long? No - we really needed to see the full sweep of this exchange in one go.

#344:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 6:33 am
    —
Definitely NOT TOO LONG at all, Mary !

Like Elder, I am looking forward to this particular interchange being complete and then I can re-read it in its entirety and savour the sight of Hilda completely taken aback - in fact, Hilda gobsmacked Wink

Sr Catherine is formidable and the interaction between these three amazing women is a delight. I would hate to get on the wrong side of any of them Shocked
Thank you so much, Mary !

#345:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 8:25 am
    —
Thank you Mary - I don't think Hild will remain shocked for long - and I think she will be even more of an asset that either MA or Sr Catherine envisage.

#346:  Author: jaceyLocation: Ireland PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 8:45 am
    —
Thank you Mary, this is wonderful.
And yet so poignant.

#347:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 11:22 am
    —
I read this this morning, then had to go out and have only just managed to get back to it. Goodness, they are proposing an individual form of novitiate aren't they? And yes, it will suit Hilda's particular talents, but it is so out of the ordinary that no wonder Hilda is stunned.

And it's fascinating that this is being regarded not only as beneficial to Hilda, but also to MA who will receive lessons in listening with peception - and dealing with adolescents.

And I was most impressed by the way in which Mother Provincial recognises that the friendship that Hilda and MA have is a deep and unique thing, and one that can be maintained. As she says:
Quote:
You will always be her equal, speak your mind, match her thought for thought – no matter how lowly your position.
In their friendship, they each have something that they need, that 'selfless love', given by God as Mother Provincial recognises.

And how lovely that Nell's voice should be heard, reassuring her that this is the path for her - and also affirming that she will be with her as well.

And I loved this:
Quote:
Here she scowled ferociously at Hilda, who glanced in affront at Mother Abbess. The latter simply raised her eyes to the ceiling and whistled softly under her breath. Hilda dug her lightly in the ribs and then faced the Provincial again, pulled a face and nodded in acquiescence.
. Honestly, they might be twelve!

Novice mistress? Definitely.

Thank you Mary.

#348:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 10:04 pm
    —
wheelchairprincess wrote:
That was absolutely perfect. And whilst I really would like to see how this conversation ends I don't think it's dragging on at all!

Thanks to all of you for your most glorious comments - and, wheelchairprincess, read on.... Laughing Laughing


Hilda voiced one thing that was worrying her. “What will the Sisters say? And the other postulants and novices? About my being quick-marched through the whole process, so to speak. Doesn’t it smack of favouritism? Surely they will ask why me and not them?”

“I’ve already asked them,” announced Mother Abbess smugly, and watched in glee as Hilda’s jaw dropped.

“You – what?” she whispered, aghast.

Mother Abbess nodded, clearly enjoying herself, now Hilda had relaxed a little. “I told them whilst you were in London yesterday, and asked anyone who was against it to see me privately, where they could speak in complete freedom as it was something completely new.” She laid a hand on Hilda’s. “Not one person disagreed, sweetheart. They already know you and love you and can’t wait to have you here for always.”

She grimaced wryly. “I have to admit, one or two did ask when I was going to resign in your favour.” She tapped Hilda’s hand. “Not while I still have all my faculties, daughter - and all my teeth. I need them to keep you in order.” And she grinned widely at Hilda, who was by now totally speechless.

“All true, Hilda, I assure you – even the joke about resignation. At least I am assuming it was a joke,” Mother Provincial added, beaming at Mother Abbess, who glared back in high dudgeon. “They know your worth, daughter. Each and every one of them has been touched by your kindness and wisdom at some point during your two visits here.”

Hilda was nearly undone by the respect in the Provincial’s voice and her own voice was very husky when she could speak again. “You flatter me, Mother. I only ever do the best I can.”

She took a hold of herself. “But what about spirituality, prayer, theology? I’m still a child in these matters. What about the habit of silence? Surely the whole point of the years as a Novice is to become steeped in those, so they become second nature. What about learning obedience, poverty, even the wearing of the habit?”

“A lot of that will be no problem, now, will it, daughter – except the obedience, of course?” flashed Mother Abbess. “Those are some of the things we will be working on, I admit, rather than how to counsel and guide, which you can do standing on your head. But you are already so steeped in God - more than many of my Sisters. Vivien was right when she said you walk with the Spirit. And silence comes naturally to you. That is how you learned to read people so well.”

She paused and her sweet voice was filled with her love when she added, “It will be an honour to be your Novice Mistress, my daughter. I have no doubt at all who will be doing the teaching in our sessions, though. You will only guide me closer to the Lord. You are a very special gift in my old age.”

Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky, and those who lead many to righteousness like the stars for ever and ever. (Daniel 12:3)

Hilda rubbed away the one or two tears that had escaped, despite herself, as she heard that sweet voice recite the verse from Daniel. She leaned forward and kissed her friend gently. She then turned and sat staring into the fire, oblivious to the passing of time. There was almost too much to consider, and her thoughts were many and varied, and rather scary. The two nuns had heard movement towards the Chapel some time ago and could now hear more movement as Sisters and guests made their way to the dining room. But they were content to wait. It was not every day they threw bombshells at people.

Still Hilda sat on, but a transformation gradually came over her. Her wan face relaxed, the lines of strain departing for the moment. Her shoulders grew less tense and her hands lay quiet in her lap. Suddenly, she closed her eyes and a smile curved her lips.

“Hilda,” said Mother Abbess quietly. “Hilda, what is it? You look….”

Hilda opened her eyes again and turned her head. Her smile was rueful. “Mmm, I’m not sure whether I’m on my head or my heels. I hope you don’t do this sort of thing too often. My nerves couldn’t stand it. It’s just not what I was expecting, could never have expected, and I don’t understand how you think I am worthy of it all. I'm overwhelmed by your compliments.”

“Not compliments, Hilda,” responded the Provincial very firmly indeed. “Only truth as we see it. And one could not get away with less than the truth where you're concerned. Whatever we've said – believe!”

Hilda rubbed her forehead, that rueful smile still playing on her lips. “See? Bewildering stuff – to be held in such high esteem. And it’s not good for one.”

She paused. “You wanted to know why I looked as I did. Well, first of all, that sense of urgency I felt – it’s gone. Completely.” She looked at Mother Abbess. “I don’t understand how it could just go, like that. But, it tells me that this is somehow what God would like for me right now and I must give it serious thought.”

Mother Abbess stroked her cheek and waited. Hilda held her eyes as she added softly, almost bashfully, “Secondly, it’s rather daunting to be given something you know deep down in your heart you secretly wanted, without knowing you wanted it.”

“What do you mean?” asked Mother Provincial with interest. Hilda’s thought processes had fascinated her from their very first conversation; no, from the time Hilda had helped them find Ellie.

Hilda turned and faced her steadfastly. “It’s not very brave of me, but I was worried about learning a new way of life along with young women twenty or thirty years younger than myself.”

“Why, love? Afraid you’d feel constrained to give them orders, sort their problems out, do your grande dame act?” asked Mother Abbess saucily.

“There’s that as well, of course,” agreed Hilda with a nod. “Could I help myself? But, seriously, it was a case of feeling I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them. They’d run on ahead, leave me behind, laugh at my slowness.” She added shamefacedly, “I was scared I would never get beyond the Noviciate, that I would never be professed.”

“Oh, Hilda,” said Mother Abbess very gently. She was surprised at this timidity in one who was usually so full of authority and self-control. “Daughter of mine, you are already so far ahead of them in every way that they will never catch you up. I would have no worries on that score at all. And no one, but no one, would ever laugh at you. I myself was over forty, don’t forget – though I did have Pauline for company. She was only a few years younger.”

“There’s a big difference between forty and nearly sixty, Kate,” interposed the Provincial quietly. “Hilda’s concerns are very real. Not many enter quite so late as she.”

“And anyway, you were special,” said Hilda. “I’m rather ordinary.”

“Not so, love. You’re very special indeed.”

Hilda blushed and bowed her head. Mother Provincial watched them speculatively. Despite her words a few minutes ago, she did wonder how this relationship would evolve once Hilda was in the Convent full time. Would their very deep affection cause problems, after all?

“Tell me, Hilda,” she prompted, her eyes very keen as she listened for a wrong note. “Would you still enter this Convent if Kate were not here?”

Hilda’s answer was immediate. “Someone else asked me that very recently. Mother’s brother, Ian. He thought I was doing this out of gratitude.” She shook her head vehemently. “Not so. All I can say is that I belong here, whether Mother is at the helm or not. It is not something I chose – indeed, I tried to fight it for a little while. But this is now my home, it suits me in every way and God has planted me here very firmly. There would be loneliness without her, yes, but….”

She looked at Mother Abbess, her eyes vulnerable. “Just don’t die on me any time soon. I couldn’t bear any more grief for a long, long while.”

Before Mother Abbess could reach out to her in sympathy, the Provincial turned to her. “And what about you, Kate? Any problems you can foresee?”

“How could there be?” answered Mother Abbess very softly. “As you said before, I need her selfless love. She has become a daughter to me, but she never takes advantage. She only leads me further and deeper into God, into compassion and love.” She turned her eyes to the Provincial. “Hilda leaves everyone better than she finds them. I wish I knew her secret, for all Abbesses should have that gift if they want to rule wisely.”

“You do, Kate,” said her Superior gently. “Believe it or not, in your own way, so very different from Hilda’s way, you do have that gift. And Hilda here would be the first to acknowledge it.”

Hilda smiled and reached out to her friend. “You are absolutely unique, and an inspiration to us all. But then, having listened to your story, that’s no surprise at all. There will never be a problem where I am concerned.”

Mother Abbess’s eyebrow quirked, in imitation of Hilda’s, and the latter added mischievously, “And if I can’t curtail my bossiness and lack of obedience – well, you’re my Superior. You’ll have to find a suitable punishment. There is always that bread and water we discussed this morning.”

“Hmm!” snorted Mother Abbess, in total disgust, and Mother Provincial smiled to herself with satisfaction.

They would manage, and between them the Convent would be a place of great spiritual wisdom and infectious good humour, a model for others. And love and compassion would abound. What more could one ask?

#349:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 11:00 pm
    —
And still more of this wonderful conversation, once again, taking each of Hilda's arguments and refuting them. But at the same time, as Hilda expresses her doubts about being worthy of such singling out, they bring all their strengths to bear to assure her that yes, indeed she is - and that they definitely have as much to learn from her as she does from them. And for MA to have already obtained the consent of all the Sisters, postulants and novices already in the convent to this move was a stroke of genius, too - because Hilda would hate it to be thought that the 'fast-tracking which is being planned for her was being done out of favouritism. Clearly she has made just as strong an impression on the rest of the convent population as she has on her two seniors.

I can understand the concern about whether the friendship between Hilda and MA would present a problem - but they are each fiercely determined that it will not, aren't they?

Can also understand why Hilda is overwhelmed by all their compliments and why their steady diet of reassurance has done its work here.

Lovely, Mary - thank you.

#350:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 11:41 pm
    —
Quote:
Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky
Yes, that does rather sum up Hilda, doesn't it. As do the comments that everyone in the Convent has been touched by her kindness and wisdom, and that she always leaves people better than she found them. And she's wise enough to know where her own difficulties will lie, of course.

With her and MA at the helm;
Quote:
the Convent would be a place of great spiritual wisdom and infectious good humour, a model for others. And love and compassion would abound. What more could one ask?
Indeed.

And to remind us that Hilda is a mortal woman, not (yet!) a saint, we have her interaction with MA, from the rib-prodding of yesterday's post to MA's comment
Quote:
and all my teeth. I need them to keep you in order.
Not sure I envy MA, much as I adore Hilda!

Thank you, Mary.

#351:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 3:21 am
    —
Quote:
between them the Convent would be a place of great spiritual wisdom and infectious good humour, a model for others. And love and compassion would abound. What more could one ask?

What more indeed? They will be a team, leading the convent between them - as Mother Provincial and the rest of the community recognise. Their relationship will ultimately strengthen and enhance them, and although I suspect that there will be an initial adjustment to be made, they are both aware of potential difficulties, and will be watching for them.

How very wise of MA to have consulted the rest of the community - although I suspect she was a bit taken aback by the artless (or not!) query about her own resignation!

And Hilda does recognise very clearly the areas in which she will need to work, but MA is right - it will be an honour to be her Novice Mistress as Hilda is a very special gift, who does 'shine like the brightness of the sky.'

And that it is the right path for Hilda is shown by the departure of the sense of urgency, and her recognition that this is what she wanted - a confirmation that she has chosen the right route - and surely this is what this suggestion is? And typical Hilda; she sees herself as being oustripped by the younger novices, left behind and unable to achieve her Profession! And as she says, she will be almost sixty. Instead she is told that her gifts and her own development are so valuable to the community that she will be fast-tracked!

Thank you Mary.

#352:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:34 am
    —
MA was extremely busy whilst Hilda was in London, wasn`t she ? Wink

I can see why it was utterly necessary for Sr Catherine to be involved; this is rule-changing at the highest level, but rules are ultimately guidelines. Occasionally events unfold and people appear, which the wisdom of the Rule could never have envisaged.

such as Hilda.......................she is special, different, and can bring so much to the Convent and the Order to the benefit of so very many other people, sisters and visitors alike. She will be a blessing to the Order, and these two formidable women, MA and Sr Catherine, have the wisdom and humility to acknowledge that Hilda is one of them too.

Glorious, Mary ! Loving every word of this. Laughing

#353:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 8:12 am
    —
Thank you Mary.

#354:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:33 am
    —
Oh Mary, what with being out rather late last night, this has been the first chance I have had to come and read this post of yours.

Stunning as usual my love.

And how well MA knows Hilda, to know she would have to suggest her idea to the others within the order while Hilda is out of the picture for a while, to know that Hilda will not feel easy without knowing that they are happy. Of course, this is the only way she will relax, and of course, none of the others will worry about Hilda being accepted into the order in this way. Love the joke(?) about MA resigning in favour of Hilda soon after!

Together MA And Sister Catherine join together to assure Hilda that all is OK. It is simply wonderful to stand in the corner watching Hilda relax. And how she comes to accept all that they have given her. In the end, it is a gift to see Hilda again able to tease MA about such punishments for disobedience as bread and water... No no Hilda, I am sure that as yourself, MA will find a much more suitable punishment for the crime - even if it's early bed!!!

I, like Sister Catherine, will watch with interest the way the relationship develops when we get to Hilda living full time in the convent - though I know there is much to happen before we reach that point.

I am so glad that things have been ordered in this way - it is one way to spell an end to the worries and fears Hilda has about actuallly becoming a full blown Sister. As Sister Catherine says, her fears make a certain amount of sense, oh but Poor Hilda for thinking that way.

Thank you Mary

#355:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 2:11 pm
    —
Mary, my love, once again you have outdone yourself. I turned the computer off early last night because I had RL stuff to do and you have no idea how hard it was not to turn it back on at 1 am to check if there was more of this. Thank you for this.

#356:  Author: MirandaLocation: Perth, Western Australia PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 3:36 pm
    —
Oh Mary, I'm not surprised that conversation is continuing for as long as it is. There is so much for Hilda to hear and absorb, and also to communicate. Your descriptions of her reactions to the various shocks, plans and surprises are so powerful, and so well-written. These lines in particular:

Quote:
Abruptly, Hilda stood on trembling legs and walked towards the window. She stood there gazing out, arms wrapped round herself as though for protection. Her absent gaze took in the thick, white snowflakes swirling and frolicking out there in the darkness, a dance as crazy as the one going on inside her head.


What a wonderful image that sums up so well how Hilda must be feeling at this time. There's such confusion and uncertainty and also a sense of loneliness...

But in all the surprises and confusion for Hilda, there is still reassurance from Nell, for which she would be so grateful.

Almost every line it hits you how remarkable these three women are - and Hilda most of all. She is clearly at a disadvantage as a result of the scheming that has been done, but her comments really show the strength of her character. She'll need MA as her novice mistress! But she still has her uncertainties and needs the love and understanding as much as the control Smile

There were also several bits that had me laughing out loud - especially

Quote:
But they were content to wait. It was not every day they threw bombshells at people.


And I also loved the fact that everyone else had been asked while Hilda was in London!!

Then Mother Provincial's query as to whether Hilda would enter the convent if MA was not there. I agree that Hilda would manage without MA in this convent now, but surely if she had gone elsewhere, she still would have required an exceptional person as MA? I doubt she would have tolerated anywhere that didn't challenge her, yet also accept her as much as this convent (and the people within).

Quote:
They would manage, and between them the Convent would be a place of great spiritual wisdom and infectious good humour, a model for others. And love and compassion would abound. What more could one ask?


Love, compassion and good humour Smile What more could one ask indeed?

Thank you Mary! Eagerly awaiting the next part Laughing

#357:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:11 pm
    —
Your responses to this conversation have staggered and moved me, and all I can offer in return are my thanks. So thank you - from my heart. Wink

Hilda stumbled from that room in equal transports of awe and confusion – but underlying these, a sense of too much, far too much. She had the impression of returning from a great height, where she had been buffeted by the winds of Heaven, where the air was so thin and pure it had left her breathless – now the plains beckoned, where ecstasy was left behind and normal life was resumed. She felt alternately hot and cold, as though sickening for something.

She had said farewell to Mother Provincial with unaccountable sadness, wondering if they would ever meet again. After all, she would only be one anonymous Sister among all those the Provincial must meet on a regular basis. But the nun read her mind – as she read all minds with her sharpness of vision.

“Have no fear, Hilda. I have a feeling in my bones that we will meet again before too long. Is it so very important to you?”

Hilda nodded silently, strangely affected by the warmth in the voice of this formidable leader. The latter smiled understandingly. “Funnily enough, my dear, it’s important to me as well. So trust in the Lord and let’s wait and see.”

Hilda wished that Nell could have met this challenging woman – then laughed at herself. Nell knew far more about Sister Catherine than she herself did, or ever would, on this earth.

Walking along the shadowy corridors, she wondered where to go. Mother Abbess had told her to go and find some dinner but she had pleaded, instead, for a period of silence and peace away from others, and her friend had agreed willingly, on condition that she ate the cold meal that would be left for her in her room. And ate it before midnight!

A breath of fresh air would have helped, a taste of that high mountain she had just left, but she had a vague remembrance of snow when she had looked out of the window earlier. She went to the front door and poked her head out. But what was this? The world had disappeared. All that remained were those thick, white feathers, still whirling down before her eyes in a silence so intense one could reach out and touch it. She held out a hand and caught a few snowflakes, watched them melt. In a sudden giddy fit, she advanced a step or two further and stuck her tongue out, feeling it tingle as the cold softness alighted. It was magical and somehow suited her mood exactly.

She stood there for so long that she found herself shivering violently, her breath billowing frosty white as she breathed. What would Sister Infirmarian say if she discovered her? Better not risk finding out! Quickly closing the door, she glanced at her watch. The chapel would be empty now except for those praying for Tessa and others in need. She would join them, offer her own prayer of thanks for the girl’s minute but significant progress this day. And think through all that had happened, try and sort it all out in her mind.

Slipping into the chapel, she realised yet again how much she would miss this tranquil haven when she was back at school. She sat staring into the golden flames of the sweet-smelling candles as they cast their flickering shadows onto the blue wall behind. Slowly, very slowly, her scattered thoughts grew more ordered, her taut nerves relaxed just a fraction. She slid from the seat to the kneeler, her hands clasped tightly in front of her, her eyes now fixed on the bambino lying on His bed of hay.

Could she do this? Were they right? Was this what God wanted of her? That strange sense of urgency she had had – was this the why of it? Why was He not content to wait? Did He have a sense of urgency as well, and if so, why? If all the two nuns had said was true – and somehow it still seemed incredible to Hilda – then maybe it would be a waste to wait, for she was no spring chicken, after all. And she had been telling no lie when she admitted how scared she had felt – but she had not revealed all her secret fears, by any means.

If she accepted what she was being offered, she could have her new dream almost instantly – and still do as Nell asked and make sure all they had worked for at school was secure before she left. It would be incredibly hard work, but she was prepared to try. After all, one was not given one’s heart’s desire every day. And to have Mother Abbess herself training her was a miracle, as was the fact that their very special friendship, instead of being frowned on, was to be encouraged. So many gifts He seemed to want to pour on her.

Was all my life leading to this, Nell – every experience, every gift, all gathered together in one great and glorious whole to be offered to Him? Or was He just taking the ruins of my loss, as Mother said, and finding the best way of using what was left of me?

No answer. But then, she had no need of one. Nell knew what was happening – had probably had her own madcap hand in it somewhere.

Her heart thumped. Ellie…. Dear God, what to do about Ellie? God and Mother Abbess had turned her life upside down just when she had need of it for a little while. She had so wanted to offer this girl some of the things she had never had – spend time with her, go shopping with her, travel with her, explore great cities and little out-of –the-way places, introduce her to the world’s great treasury of art and architecture, take her to some of the places she and Nell had visited, share some of her memories with the girl, so Nell would not be forgotten when she herself was also gone…..

She had talked about compromise – well, here was compromise enough. How could she give up what had been so attractively beckoning to her? How could she agree until she had spoken to the girl, for Ellie had no idea at all that she was entering? She had thought there was plenty of time – another eighteen months or so of it – before Ellie left the nest to test her wings at university and she herself entered here. If she followed this plan, she would have very little of that expected time. Why would He give her this love for Ellie then take away any chance to express it?

I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 11)


She was pulled up short as she heard those words seemingly ringing round the silent chapel - words that had long ago led her to the Chalet School, after she had lost her fiancé. They reminded her that she was not being forced or compelled to do anything, anything at all. This was an invitation only, and a most loving and generous one. God knew what He was doing. If this was His desire, then somehow He and she together could make it work. Of course He would not have instilled this great love in her for the girl, simply to take it all away and leave Ellie even more unhappy. Assuredly He would have some plan in mind, something far better than the one she herself had for Ellie. She would be patient and see what transpired. For -

God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain.
(Cowper)


Hilda was to find Him making some of it plain almost immediately....


Last edited by MaryR on Sun Dec 10, 2006 3:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

#358:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:21 pm
    —
Oh Mary - the one thing that struck me through all of this was the reality of it all. Poor Hilda, buffeted and bewildered, as other forces seem to take charge of her life, and leave her wondering which end of her is uppermost. It reminded me of what I'm told is a misquote often used by a friend of mine up here - "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." And for Hilda, it appears to have been like that now - a whole realm of previously unconsidered possibilities has now been opened up to her, leaving her with questions and cares, which only God can help her resolve.

I was also vivedly reminded of events in my own life, which have slowly steered me from my fixed idea of my life once I left high school, to the place I am now - and which will no doubt take me on to where I am needed next when my time at university is finished. Oh, I have my own ideas alright - but are my ideas what God has planned?

I loved the time Hilda took outside, just enjoying God's creation, and almost letting herself be a little girl again, playing in the snow. And I'm very pleased to see her return to her sanctuary again. Now all that is needed is for her to keep her promise of having food before midnight.

I am intregued at the hint that Hilda will see Sister Catherine again, and the fact that this is of importance to both of them.

Oh Mary, I've hardly started to tell you what I think of this, but I can find no more words to aid me, so I shall stop here by telling you that I am looking forward to seeing how you continue your delightful tale.

Thank you Mary

#359:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 10:47 pm
    —
That quotation about God's plans is indeed another reminder that He is truly 'working His purpose out' for Hilda. Despite all the ideas which have been thrust upon her in the last couple of hours, which have clearly left her feeling blown hither and thither and not knowing which way to turn, God's overall plan for Hilda is as clear cut now as it was all those years ago when she first came to the Chalet School, isn't it? - clearly, once again, her future, after the school, lies where she will do the most good.

Yes, she is bewildered, yes she has doubts whether she should follow her instincts and if, in so doing, she will be unable to provide for Ellie everything she wanted to do for her, yes, she still wonders whether she is truly worthy of the 'fast tracking' which is being proposed for her. The beauty of the newly falling snow, the peace and tranquility of the Chapel all help to still her racing thoughts, but above all, I think it's the sense that Nell knows all about what is being suggested and approves wholeheartedly which resonates so clearly here.

But in the end, it is the sense that all can be achieved in due time which will bring her comfort. Hilda is being invited to partake of all MA and MP are suggesting to her - if she accepts their invitation, she faces a period of intense hard work, but she will still be able to achieve all Nell has directed her to do for the school, and to provide Ellie with those treats which she has hitherto missed, before she 'officially' joins the convent.

It's also good to know that Mother Provincial will ensure that their paths continue to cross regularly in the future - the relationship between them has developed so quickly that it would indeed be hard for Hilda not to see her again.

For all her present bewilderment, Hilda is truly being given 'the wings of faith' to rise up to these opportunities, isn't she? Thank you, Mary.

#360:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 11:26 pm
    —
Thank You, Mary.

Especially for the quote about God's plans. That was a useful thing for me to read today.

#361:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:08 am
    —
Quote:
Was all my life leading to this, Nell – every experience, every gift, all gathered together in one great and glorious whole to be offered to Him? Or was He just taking the ruins of my loss, as Mother said, and finding the best way of using what was left of me?

What an interesting question. Perhaps it's not an either/or? If one accepts that God controls, or at least allows, everything that happens (not sure I do, in that 'causal' sort of way, but leaving that aside), the loss, devastating though it was and is, is presumably part of the whole? And behold, I show you a mystery!

Loved Hilda catching the snowflakes on her tongue - and whipping back inside before SI caught her!

And Hilda is certainly not afraid of hard work, particularly when it will bring her the desire of her heart. It's a lovely insight that she is being invited, not forced or compelled, and those words from Jeremiah are such a comfort - except when it doesn't seem to work out, but how, of course, does one ever know. Perhaps it did, even if it didn't seem to ...

Shall wait impatiently to see what bit of the 'working out' comes next!

#362:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 2:49 am
    —
Truly beautiful Mary.
Thank you.

#363:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:13 am
    —
Thank you Mary.

#364:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:18 pm
    —
It's scarcely surprising that she's suddenly bewidered; she has an incredible amount to think about, and she has had a most incredible and uplifting experience:
Quote:
the impression of returning from a great height, where she had been buffeted by the winds of Heaven, where the air was so thin and pure it had left her breathless – now the plains beckoned, where ecstasy was left behind and normal life was resumed


Those moments in the snow were beautiful - almost a transition between the heights where she had been and the normal life to which she is returning. And then she goes to her refuge, to the chapel, where she can pray and reflect on what has been said to her - and ask why and how this has happened:
Quote:
Was all my life leading to this, Nell – every experience, every gift, all gathered together in one great and glorious whole to be offered to Him? Or was He just taking the ruins of my loss, as Mother said, and finding the best way of using what was left of me?


Maybe it's both? Certainly she would not have been there had she not lost Nell, but she has now started to become more than "what was left". Her grief and pain and her acceptance of this have brought her to a place where she would not have been - and her gifts and talents and all that she has experienced have made her the special person that MA and Mother Provincial know her to be.

Thank you Mary

#365:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:56 pm
    —
God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain.
(Cowper)


Hilda was to find Him making some of it plain almost immediately. Patience would not be necessary. Steeling a look at her watch, she saw how quickly time slipped away here in this peaceful retreat. She ought to obey her new Novice Mistress and eat something. Reluctantly, she got to her feet and slipped out of the chapel to go and eat the food that would be awaiting her in her room – and then, hopefully, to go and have a word with Ellie. On her way to her room, however, she met Vivien Knowles, a large box of papers tucked under her arm.

Hilda smiled. “Going to have a bonfire, Miss Knowles?”

Vivien winked. “You know my attitude to paper better than that, Miss Annersley. I never waste so much as one scrap. Ellie and I had some rather grand designs in mind, something to do with the snow. We missed you at dinner – Sister Patricia passed on the message that you were rather occupied. Is everything alright?”

Hilda merely smiled rather tremulously, and Vivien looked at her more closely. There was a glow about her, even in the gloom of the corridor.

“You know, you look as though you have received an extra Christmas present – a very large one.”

“I have indeed - a most astonishing one - but it has strings attached, I’m afraid,” sighed Hilda gently. “It could change so many things, which is why I’ve been rather occupied. I needed time to clear my head – though I’m wondering if that’s possible, quite frankly.”

“I’m guessing it concerns Ellie, among other things.”

Hilda grimaced. “More than you can know, Vivien. Will you tell her I’ll try and see her later? I must go and eat the supper I’ve been left or Mother will shout.” Vivien hooted but received no answering smile from Hilda, who added anxiously. “But, my dear, I fear I’ve been leaving you on your own with Ellie far too often. I’m taking advantage. You’ll be thinking I brought you here under false pretences.”

Vivien reached out a hand to calm her. “Relax, Hilda. I was extremely glad to come, as I told you. And I’m so pleased you asked me to stay longer, when I said I would return home yesterday. I’m often lonely, Hilda, despite London being a busy place with its millions of people. Remember those dear presences I talked about – coming to the school and working for you have given me several more: Ruth at school, Ellie and Mother Abbess here, and I hope you don’t mind, but you’re becoming one as well, dear Headmistress.”

Hilda swallowed convulsively and Vivien realised this woman might have a gentle glow about her but she was also tense with emotion, her nerve endings laid bare somehow and sensitive to the touch. She remembered with sadness the breakdown the night before and wondered what had happened earlier. Was Hilda going to be fit to return to school in three days time?

“You know, Vivien” began Hilda, controlling herself only with the greatest of effort, “I think you and I should ignore my words earlier in the week about the loneliness of the throne. We are friends, almost despite ourselves, and I can no longer deny it. I think I have to count you one of my rare blessings – and I will be hard put to it to remain impartial back at school, so I hope you will help me.”

Vivien found herself immensely moved by such an admission from the deeply private woman standing in front of her. “Thank you, Hilda. That means a lot to me,” she said simply. “And don’t worry. I’ll keep you on the straight and narrow. But, I’m wondering – and this is as much for me as it is for you…...”

She licked suddenly dry lips. Was she being too forward? This idea had only just popped into her head as she stood there talking, but it seemed urgent, forcing her to speak.

“What is it, my dear?” asked Hilda softly.

“May I share Ellie with you?” Vivien blurted out, and then cringed, while Hilda stared at her, nonplussed. Vivien shook her head in embarrassment and took a deep breath. “Sorry, Hilda, that came out all wrong. Let’s start again. I take it you’re going to spend all your school holidays here, now that you’re entering. It seems to offer you peace - and you and Mother Abbess are the greatest of friends.”

Hilda nodded silently. Where was Vivien going with this? She felt her head whirling with all the matters being crammed in there at the moment and forced herself to concentrate.

“How would it be,” began Vivien hesitantly, “if Ellie spent some time with me as well, during the holidays? She could come and stay with me, or perhaps we could go away together somewhere, give you time to relax here and not worry about her. I have a sense – don’t, for goodness sake, ask me how or why – but I sense somehow that Ellie and your vocation are pulling you in two different directions at the moment.”

She was totally unprepared for Hilda’s reaction. Incandescent joy transformed that pale and serious face. Bells were pealing inside. God was indeed His own interpreter. Here was answer to prayer almost before she had even asked. Were He and Nell giving her a nudge in the right direction? Was Vivien part of God’s plan for them all? Other words from that self-same poem leapt into her mind – and onto her tongue….

The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.
(Cowper)


Her murmured words died away into the recesses of that dim corridor and she stared at Vivien wordlessly. Here were blessings on her head indeed!

“Hilda….”began Vivien uncertainly, finding herself totally unnerved by her Head’s reaction.

Hilda shook herself and laid a hand on Vivien’s arm. Her voice was soft and disbelieving, yet also filled with the utmost gratitude. “Vivien, you can’t possibly know what you have just done for me because I can’t explain, or not yet. But you have added immeasurably to that extra Christmas gift you felt I had received – you have taken away some of those attached strings I mentioned. You are indeed one of my rare blessings, Miss Knowles. You haven’t been talking to Mother Abbess, by any chance, have you?”

Bewildered, Vivien shook her head. “No, I haven’t seen her. And anyway she would have no reason to confide in me. I was asking because something - or Someone – just popped the idea into my head, and suddenly it seemed necessary to say it.”

She regarded Hilda soberly and then the latter’s words penetrated. She gasped in surprise. “You mean you accept? You don’t think I’m trying to steal her away from you?”

“As I’ve stolen her away from her aunt, you mean?” mused Hilda sadly. “No, my dear, I don’t feel that at all. Just the opposite – you are answer to prayer yet again. Once I enter, she will have need of friends out in the world, as you and I have already discussed. But she also needs them now, far more so than I had envisaged. And I’m certain she will be ecstatic to spend time with you during the holidays. I’ve seen how the girls look up to you, Vivien.”

Vivien wondered what had happened to change things and cause Hilda more anxiety, but she did all she could to reassure her. “I’m not sure I agree with you about the ecstatic bit, but I will always stand her friend, as I said. You’ve made me a very happy woman by accepting my request – I’ll look forward to the holidays even more now, with such a lovely companion to hand. So thank you, Hilda. The Chalet School is giving me far more than I ever anticipated when I arrived.”

Hilda’s voice was very warm as she spoke. “It is I who should be thanking you, Vivien – and I do. For all you have already done and for all you seem to be offering.” Suddenly carried beyond herself by all the emotions swirling around inside, she took Vivien in her arms and kissed her. “I owe you a very great debt, my dear. One I hope I can repay some day.”

Vivien looked up, her warm brown eyes revealing to her Headmistress more, perhaps, than she realised. “There are no debts between friends, Hilda,” she said gravely. “And anyway, you have repaid any debts many times over by your kindnesses. I am honoured to be counted your friend and Ellie’s. And I suppose I really should get back to her or she will think I’ve got lost in the snow. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Actually, Vivien, I’m not sure whether I’m standing on my head or my heels,” sighed Hilda, in a sudden burst of candour. “Truth really is stranger than fiction sometimes. And people are not always whom they seem,” she added wryly and cryptically.

Seeing Vivien still looking rather worried about her, she patted her arm. “Ignore me, dear. I shall go eat my supper and give myself a stern lecture. Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to tell you the whole story. In fact, you may be one of only two or three I could possibly tell. But for now, run along to Ellie and give her a hug from me. I’ll be fine, I promise. And, Vivien - a word from James Boswell for you in thanks."

We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes the heart run over.

#366:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 10:04 pm
    —
I have tears in my eyes at the beauty of that post. Yes, this is friendship, in its most wonderful form. How God must have orchastrated this meeting in such a way. MA was indeed correct with her unspoken thought of earlier, and it is a joy to see how one need is meeting another need in someone else. Truely these two were meant to be together.

However much Hilda might have tried to stand alone, Vivien, in time, would have to have broken through the barrier. It is just a mix of who they both are. OK, Vivien is not Nell, nor is she MA, but she too fulfills a need, and the relationship she has with Hilda will be as unique as either of these two previously mentioned people, and as unique as the one that is developing with Ellie.

Thank you mary - it was an immense privalidge to read that.

#367:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 10:13 pm
    —
*stunned*

I've been away since Thursday so have just caught up from there. My advice to everyone is to go back and read the whole of that conversation between Sister Catherine, Mother Abbess and Hilda in one go. If you thought it was wonderful in bits, it's absolutely astounding altogether. The impact it has is hard to put into words. I am quite hopelessly out of my depth with the ideas being expressed, but the language? Simply superb. The love, reverence, humour, humility, understanding, concern... the myriad emotions and feelings in this conversation are so vivid they're almost tangible.

I really can't find words good enough to comment, except to say that I am completely in awe...

Edited (because another post appeared as I was writing the above) to add that I am now even more stunned! And so, so pleased that Hilda and Vivien will be able to enjoy the friendship that was so clearly developing between them, regardless of any disparity in their positions - much as, it would seem, Hilda and MA will continue to enjoy theirs. And for Ellie and Vivien to have each other as well... Why do I feel like I have been given a special Christmas present just sitting here reading about their joy?

That last quotation is going straight in my quotations book before I do anything else.
Merci, cherie.


Last edited by Katya on Sun Dec 10, 2006 10:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

#368:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 10:22 pm
    —
Squirrel is right saying that it is a privilege to read that part, in fact the whole story. Thank you, Mary.

#369:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 10:32 pm
    —
Even reading this in its several parts, Katya, I have been becoming more and more breathless as it has continued - each part fits another piece into the jigsaw of Hilda's future, doesn't it? It is so fitting that Vivien should have encountered Hilda just at that very moment - and that her offer of help with Ellie's holidays came so naturally, and will probably be such an essential thread in all of this. But that really is part of what friendship is all about, isn't it - the ability to see what's needed and suggest helpful plans.

I said last night that God was surely 'working His purpose out' for Hilda in all of this; it's now clear to me that He is also working His purpose out for all of them - Hilda, the convent, Mother Abbess and her Mother Provincial, Ellie, Sister Patricia and now Vivien. It may not all be plain sailing, but all will, eventually, form a part of that giant puzzle which affects them all.

And your wonderful use of language in painting such compelling word pictures, allow us to savour it in all its glory along with those involved - we really could be standing right there in that convent corridor along with Hilda and Vivien. Thank you, Mary, for another riveting section.

#370:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 1:32 am
    —
I could see them having that conversation, Mary!

How perfectly timed and reassuring are those words from Vivien, and if she has given Hilda a gift of friendship and reassurance, then Hilda has been able to reciprocate most beautifully; as she says
Quote:
We are friends, almost despite ourselves, and I can no longer deny it. I think I have to count you one of my rare blessings
And she is absolutely right, and they will bring blessings to one another....

And the first blessing is Vivien's request that she might share Ellie, truly a direct voice from God and a marvellous affirmation that this plan is right, and as such will come to fruition.

I'm not surprised that Hilda is feeling somewhat disorientated - after all a great deal has happened today and her world has been turned upside-down.

And btw, how nice to see Vivien becoming friendly with Ruth! And I like that Boswell quote on friendship.

#371:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 5:08 am
    —
Well done Vivien - that will relieve Hilda's guilt about leaving Ellie.

Thanks Mary.

#372:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 9:47 pm
    —
wheelchairprincess wrote:
Squirrel is right saying that it is a privilege to read that part, in fact the whole story.

Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed You have all said such wonderful things - but really it is Hilda and MA who are in charge of all this, and I'll admit that they are wonderful. Laughing

And I apologise yet again for the length of these posts. Embarassed

With deep thankfulness in her heart, Hilda watched Vivien walk off down the corridor before turning towards her own room. Switching on the light, she was about to close the door when a grey streak shot through, almost losing her tail in the process. She picked Polly up and gave her a good talking to, but the silver tabby merely yawned lazily in her face, licked the nose so tantalisingly near her own and then leapt gracefully from Hilda’s arms to explore the room for something to attack.

Switching off the main light, Hilda moved further into the room as though in a dream and turned on her bedside light. Its gentle glow highlighted Nell’s face; she picked up the frame. Was there an extra sparkle in those clear grey eyes tonight, she wondered tiredly. How she longed for Nell to sort this all out for her. She walked over to the little table by the window and set Nell down there while she inspected her supper.

But what was this? Instead of a cold sandwich, someone had left a Thermos and a bottle of wine, and beside them a plate bearing a soft roll and butter. Opening the flask she inhaled the strong, rich aroma of Sister Aiden’s vegetable soup, just the thing for a cold and wintry night. Nell’s photo propped in front of her, she sat and slowly drank the soup and ate the roll, then sat sipping the wine and gazing out at the altered landscape.

Snow lay over everything like a mantle, softening the hard edges and gladdening the eye. The stars glittered coldly and the moon’s pure light poured in the window now, for the thick snowflakes had ceased to fall since she had ventured outside on her way to the chapel, the clouds now rolled up like a carpet and stored away. All was serenity and shadowed mystery in the garden, and some of those heightened emotions swirling around inside her grew still and quiet. Polly jumped on the table and rubbed her little head against Hilda’s arm. Hilda drew her close, cradling her against her chest for comfort and warmth, for it was a little chilly by the window. She touched Nell’s face and sighed.

“Why am I being blessed like this, dearest?” she whispered. “He’s given me such a wonderful and generous invitation, but can I do it? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? What do you think, Polly?”

Once more her eyes drifted to the brightness outside her window. Exhaustion had her in its grasp, but peace was settling, hope was dawning, acceptance was coming. But she still felt far removed from reality, from the world she thought she knew - so it seemed quite fitting and natural that, when she turned her eyes back to Nell’s photo, Mother Abbess should be sitting opposite her at the table, watching her anxiously. Could this woman walk though walls? Even that would be no surprise tonight, she decided.

“Are you alright, my daughter?” the nun asked softly. “You were a million miles away when I entered, much like the night before last. How deeply you enter your thoughts. So much has happened to you these last few days, hasn’t it? Today was not really the right time but…..”

Hilda cuddled the cat closer and held out her hand, to find it firmly grasped by her friend. “I’m not sure,” she whispered. “You’re right that too much has happened - I don’t know which way is up any more. I have to admit that I wasn’t alright, mainly because of Ellie. After all, God had given her to me in trust only yesterday – I couldn’t just walk away from that. But, Mother, Vivien has already taken some of that worry away,” and she proceeded to explain.

Mother Abbess was staggered. Yes, she had had the thought that Vivien might be gently encouraged to assist – but this was unbelievable. Answer to prayer indeed. God could be speedy when He wanted!

I should trust more, shouldn’t I, Lord? You love this woman so much that of course you would smooth the path for her, ease her worries. Or did Nell harangue you, when she saw what our words and offer did to Hilda?

“Vivien’s a good friend,” she said now, watching Hilda’s face closely for signs of distress.

Hilda smiled gently. “The best – and she is wonderful with Ellie.” Her face sobered and she looked at Mother Abbess steadfastly, gravely, for this was a very special moment in her life. “So, after that – my answer has to be Yes. It was a close run thing, but I will be your novice and sit at your feet, Mother, and find joy in the doing. I feel as though the Lord and you, between you, have offered me the same invitation He once offered Mechtilde of Magdeburg. Do you know what He said to her?”

“I am your playmate. I will lead the child within you on a wonderful adventure that I have chosen for you,” whispered Mother Abbess, her eyes an intense green at Hilda’s response to their planning. “That’s just how a postulant should feel, my daughter, no matter their age.”

“That mixture of excitement and trepidation and determination that a child feels when he sets off alone into that wild, blue yonder,” murmured Hilda, and nodded before adding resolutely, “I’d forgotten somehow that there was a child within, since losing Nell. But, Mother, you will have to accept that sometimes, even in the holidays, school matters will interfere.”

Mother Abbess squeezed tightly the hand she was still holding. “Of course. You are still a Headmistress, after all. That must remain your main focus until you retire. We just use any available free time you have – and we don’t force it,” she added softly, but the steel very evident. “One thing I will expect obedience over is your health.”

Hilda never moved, never blinked, but there was an altering in the air around her and even Polly sensed it for she began to purr, not always a sign of contentment. Mother Abbess nodded to herself. What else had she expected?

“Sweetheart, I know it’s going to be hard for you,” she murmured, and her voice was filled with sympathy. “You’ve led an independent life for forty years, made your own decisions, and the decisions for your mistresses and girls. Of course you will resent it. But over your health I will be harsh, for you are not strong – and it’s the shooting and the accident which have caused this fragility, more so than your grief. You are so careless of yourself that someone has to watch out for you – and if you are going to be my postulant and novice during your holidays then I am going to ensure that you get adequate rest. You can’t go straight from one difficult and exhausting job straight to another. Look at the state you were in when you arrived before Christmas.”

Hilda gazed at her, then lowered her face and rubbed her cheek gently against Polly. When she looked up again the nun saw the tears sparkling in Hilda’s eyelashes. “Why do you care so much?” she whispered.

Mother Abbess swallowed. “You know the answer to that, child. I care so much that I won’t let you accept our offer under false pretences. Pauline and I will watch you like hawks. If you can’t accept that then I’m afraid it won’t work. And I shall ensure that Gwynneth is on your case as well.”

Her sweet voice was filled with love, but it was not soft or weak. She would be obeyed on this. Hilda’s own eyes were full of her love for the woman opposite. She remembered her words in the office about all of life being a compromise. Could she follow through? Yes, she could. She let her tense body relax and smiled tenderly.

“I’ll be good,” she whispered. “I know you’re right about me on this point. I do carry things to excess. And Nell was as brutal as you about it.” She paused, and then added with a wry twist, “And what about the other practicalities? We’ve tackled obedience already – anything else?”

“So - we’ve wallowed in our imagination and given ourselves the heebie-jeebies,” muttered Mother Abbess. “Now suddenly the sane and sensible Headmistress is showing. You’re enough to drive a saint to distraction sometimes, child.”

She shook her head and reached out to stroke Polly. “No practicalities tonight – and not for the next two days. Savour the pleasure, daughter, and the great compliment Mother Provincial paid you by agreeing to my proposal.”

Her hand moved upward and she stroked Hilda’s white cheek. “I shall write to you once you’re settled back in school and I’ll detail these so-called practicalities. Things like praying the Daily Office and attending the services, keeping the Great Silence, living in community, studying the Scriptures, even the wearing of the habit - I’ll give you chapter and verse.”

Hilda’s eyes were fixed unwaveringly on her friend, who added softly, “You will have no problem, daughter, I assure you. And then there are our vows, of course, but the most important vow is one you keep already. For the most important of our vows, even though unwritten, is love.”

Even as the words fell from her lips she could have kicked herself. It was the wrong word at the wrong time. On the instant, infinite pain sprang into Hilda’s eyes, and she turned quickly to the window to hide it. Polly felt the arm holding her suddenly tighten. She wrestled herself free and scrambled down from the table. Mother Abbess rose and removed the tray to the door, let Polly out and then went to kneel by Hilda, placing an arm round her. For a moment Hilda held herself rigid. But there was no way she could resist this woman’s love for long. She leaned into the embrace, while still looking out of the window.

“I know you long to share this with her,” stated Mother Abbess softly. “One of the most important decisions of your life – and she’s not here. Nor ever will be again.”

There was a despairing whisper. “You give me the greatest of Christmas gifts – and I cry for the moon, like a child. Oh Mother, I’m so selfish.” She stopped on a sob, but refused to give in to her tears. There had been enough of those recently.

“Not so, daughter mine, selfishness has nothing to do with it. A vital part of you is missing, so of course it hurts, like an amputation. And it’s not only for the big things that you miss her, is it?” prompted Mother Abbess quietly. “Think of all those little details you stored up in London.”

Hilda closed her eyes as though to shut out the clean purity of the scene outside. Her voice sank to an indistinct murmur. “I read somewhere that love is having someone to bless you when you sneeze, to share with you all those trivial, inconsequential things that mean nothing to anyone else.” She stopped and swallowed, easing her throat. “Or being able to call someone at midnight about anything whatsoever, knowing she’ll listen – and will come over if I need her.”

“Sweetheart, I’m here, even for those trivial, inconsequential things. I’m not Nell, but I will listen – and I care.”

Hilda’s eyes opened and she looked down with the saddest of eyes at the splendid woman kneeling in front of her and holding her. “But not at midnight, when the need is pressing or I just need some company.”

Mother Abbess took her arm from around Hilda, sank back on her heels and took hold of Hilda’s hands. “Oh yes, even at midnight, sweetheart. You know that we each take a turn at staying all night by the phone – that if the need is great, the Rule of Silence is set in abeyance. They will call me, now that I’m your Novice Mistress, and I will listen, for as long as it takes.”

The mourning in Hilda’s eyes did not abate, but guilt now appeared to keep it company. Mother Abbess saw, and sighed, even as she sought to soothe her new postulant.

“Hilda, sometimes you need to talk about those silly, inconsequential things – because they can weigh very heavy just by being concealed. If you can’t have a moan to Nancy or Gwynneth because – oh, I don’t know, the dinner was awful or the weather is getting you down or a child has driven you wild – then open up to me. Sometimes those are the straws that can break the camel’s back. I can’t trot over as Nell might have done, but someone would be listening and caring. You can take self-containment too far when there’s no one to share things with you.”

Hilda closed her eyes again to hide what she thought might hurt Mother Abbess. Yes, she heard the love; yes, she knew her friend meant it all; yes, she appreciated it – but it wasn’t the same. To know you were the most important thing in life to someone – and vice versa – was to have the sun perpetually shining down on you. Then nothing in life was too hard. But Mother had her community of Sisters – and they must come first for her. So how could it ever be the same? Only Nell could be Nell.

“Hilda,” whispered Mother Abbess, “you’re not selfish in wanting to be all-in-all to someone.” Hilda’s eyes flashed open. How could Mother read her mind so easily? The nun’s smile was very tender.

“How do I know?” she queried. “Because I, too, lost that when I lost Stephen. I mattered to no one else in that way, except my father – and he died soon after. No one else was left to care. And I never again came first with anyone, except with God. I understand that intense longing. But, child, you matter to me, far more than you can ever imagine. And I would stay up all night, every night, if it would help you.”

“You already have – times without number,” whispered Hilda. “And you know I would do the same for you, however many times you were in need.”

Mother Abbess knelt up again and cradled Hilda’s slim figure close. Hilda laid her head on her friend’s shoulder and closed her eyes. Yet again, at this woman’s touch, the ache in her throat eased, the Nell-sized hole in her heart gaped less widely. She shuddered to think how lonely every single day of the rest of her life would have been without the nun’s presence, how long and dark every single night. Nell she could never be, but Mother Abbess understood that and still loved her unconditionally. Please God that would never change.

The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel.
(Shakespeare)

#373:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 10:10 pm
    —
Oh Mary - I think I needed to read this this evening.

Too long? No, I am satisfied possibly, but nowhere near overful. I think that was just right.

How quickly you move from one thing to another - the mood changes with just one word - you truly have a wonderful way with words.

How lovely that Polly chose to spend that time with her, even at the risk of her tail! Silly cat!
Quote:

But she still felt far removed from reality, from the world she thought she knew - so it seemed quite fitting and natural that, when she turned her eyes back to Nell’s photo, Mother Abbess should be sitting opposite her at the table, watching her anxiously. Could this woman walk though walls? Even that would be no surprise tonight, she decided.


Oh Wonderful! What a picture.

And I am glad that MA has realised the extent of what could be called Viviens generosity - though I'm sure that Vivien would term it slightly differently. Indeed, it goes beyond what she could ever have imagined.
Quote:

“I am your playmate. I will lead the child within you on a wonderful adventure that I have chosen for you,”


OH Mary. That is a lovely quotation - and something I hope to follow regardless of the fact that I am *very* unlikely to ever enter an abbey.

But oh - how they can change from companionable to being almost at odds with each other as MA challenges Hilda on that one sticky issue, her health. But she does need to listen - this is the only thing which might keep Hilda from doing all that she could do for the convent. She *must* come to terms with it.
Quote:

“So - we’ve wallowed in our imagination and given ourselves the heebie-jeebies,” muttered Mother Abbess. “Now suddenly the sane and sensible Headmistress is showing. You’re enough to drive a saint to distraction sometimes, child.”


*splutters* Oh Mary - where on earth did you find *this*!!! Having said that, I'm glad that MA is putting the pleasures before the practicalities. Hilda has had enough of dealing with issues for this holiday. When the time comes, I shall be most interested to see what kind of things they will be - if Hilda lets you tell us about them Mary.

And then, that final fleeting change at the end. But what else was MA to do - Hilda needs to know the truth, and to deal with it, regardless of how difficult she finds it.

And well done MA for being able to tell her that even "at midnight, when 'the need is pressing or [Hilda] just need[s] some company" she will be available to her at the end of the phone line - all is ready for this kind of thing already.

Mary the end of this was lovely, but for me, I think the last little passage I mentioned was perhaps the bit that stood out the most.

Thank you for all the hard work you put into this - and for letting us see the finished product.

Thanks Mary.

#374:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 10:16 pm
    —
MaryR wrote:


Hilda closed her eyes as though to shut out the clean purity of the scene outside. Her voice sank to an indistinct murmur. “I read somewhere that love is having someone to bless you when you sneeze, to share with you all those trivial, inconsequential things that mean nothing to anyone else.” She stopped and swallowed, easing her throat. “Or being able to call someone at midnight about anything whatsoever, knowing she’ll listen – and will come over if I need her.”



How wonderful to be able to watch Hilda once again find someone she can trust and to learn to open up to. And what a wonderful description of what a friend should be - is - and the emotions of that loss. I needed to read this tonight too.

As always, Thank You.

#375:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 10:39 pm
    —
Mary, once again, this is mind-bogglingly beautiful, both your choice of words and the feelings expressed. You may claim that MA and Hilda 'give' this to you, but it is you who responds by becoming their mouthpiece, and a very gifted one at that.

Your description of the snow reminded me of In the Bleak Mid Winter. There are so many quotable passages, but I think this particular one stands out from all the rest:

Quote:
Exhaustion had her in its grasp, but peace was settling, hope was dawning, acceptance was coming.


Here again is that 'still small voice of calm', isn't it?

I love all the twists and turns of that conversation with Mother Abbess, (to say nothing of the way she just seemed to materialise without Hilda realising she'd come into the room). Her understanding of all those concerns, both large and small, which must inevitably trouble Hilda will play such a large role in her future, even when she is back at school. We know she can never wholly replace Nell, but at least Hilda is starting to feel that with her never-failing presence, some of that large hole of her loss will be healed.

Come unto me, all ye who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

This really does sum up for me so much of MA's feelings for Hilda; she really *does* want to take up some of her burden, and help her with it - notwithstanding her own already heavy load as Mother Abbess of the Convent.

A mere 'Thank you' seems inadequate here, but it comes from the heart.

#376:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 11:29 pm
    —
(((((Hilda)))))


And I can so see Nell haranging God. Laughing


Thanks Mary

#377:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 11:50 pm
    —
Shocked Crying or Very sad Shocked
I have been away from the computer for what seems like an eternity and return to find two joyous , bitter-sweet updates !
My cup runneth over, Mary. Thank you !

#378:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 11:57 pm
    —
Mary, the only downside of these long posts is that there is just so much in them that I am getting to bed even later than usual! So I'll try to be concise. The elements in this that stuck me most strongly were:

The richness of provision at the Convent - hot, rich soup and wine, not the cold sanwich Hilda had been expecting. How much this reflects the richness of love and future fulfilment waiting for her there.

The beauty of the snowbound garden, bringing peace to H's chaotic emotions:
Quote:
All was serenity and shadowed mystery in the garden, and some of those heightened emotions swirling around inside her grew still and quiet.


The thought of the life change facing Hilda as a great adventure,
Quote:

That mixture of excitement and trepidation and determination
Yes, I remember when it felt like that.

The realisation of how hard Hilda is going to find some parts of her vocation
Quote:
You’ve led an independent life for forty years, made your own decisions, and the decisions for your mistresses and girls
She would find it impossible with anyone she respected less than MA.

The moving affirmation of all Hilda has found - and lost - in Nell, all that will never come again;
Quote:
To know you were the most important thing in life to someone – and vice versa
and the insight that it is the little things one misses most;
Quote:

oh, I don’t know, the dinner was awful or the weather is getting you down or a child has driven you wild


Thank you, Mary.

#379:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 6:41 am
    —
Oh how densely textured and rich this is - it's a world you can hold in the hollow of your hand and gaze into its dimensions finding something new each time.

Every conversation with MA establishes their relationship in all its various aspects - friendship, mother/daughter, novice/guide - more firmly, and reveals new depths of understanding.

MA's very presence reveals just how in tune she is with Hilda at the moment - and Hilda's response is utterly satisfying
Quote:
So, after that – my answer has to be Yes. It was a close run thing, but I will be your novice and sit at your feet, Mother, and find joy in the doing.

And for her to see it as a 'wonderful adventure' - which of course it is,
Quote:
That mixture of excitement and trepidation and determination that a child feels when he sets off alone into that wild, blue yonder
A thing that is both joyous and unknown, and necessary.

And then, that subtle shifting of balance as Hilda receives the first check and admonition in the necessary demand of obedience in the matters of health, followed by the "wrong word at the wrong time". Just at that moment, after all that she has undergone, the reminder of Nell's absence is almost too much for her: that simple painful awareness that there is no substitute, for
Quote:
Only Nell could be Nell.


Thank you Mary.

BTW I loved the description of the snow - especially the clouds "now rolled up like a carpet."

#380:  Author: dackelLocation: The Big Wide World (aka London) PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 12:28 pm
    —
Mary, I don't post often, but I wanted to let you know how much I'm enjoying your drabble, and how uplifting I find it even when you have me in tears - which is at almost every post! I resisted reading this to start with because I knew it would be so sad but I got sucked in - and am now busy catching up with the previous parts!

Your quotations are beautiful, and make me want to read more and 'better' things than I do at the moment. And your Hilda is a wonderful person, open-hearted, self-sacrificing and truly humble, yet all without being a bit 'pi'. She will certainly make an exemplary Novice Mistress, though I'm not so sure about her being an exemplary Novice!

Not that I want to give your bunny ideas (perish the thought Wink ) but I wonder if you have thought of bringing the Robin or even Margot into this drabble at all? Just the nun connection caught at my mind the other day. Although I suppose they are Catholic nuns, so there would be little contact between the Orders. Only a random thought *Note to self: stop interfering in other people's drabbles* Laughing

#381:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 5:40 pm
    —
That was sublime, and not a word too long, I can assure you.

Poor Hilda... Her brain must be in turmoil. I adore the metaphors you chose to describe this, blending her thoughts with the snow swirling then settling. That garden is so beautiful, and the image of the clouds rolled back like a carpet to reveal the sky is superb.

Quote:
Even as the words fell from her lips she could have kicked herself. It was the wrong word at the wrong time.

I don't know though... Was it? Nell's loss is so closely bound up with Hilda's momentous decision here that perhaps it was exactly right. She couldn't have taken this path without Nell, could she?

Quote:
To know you were the most important thing in life to someone – and vice versa – was to have the sun perpetually shining down on you.

Oh... This is so beautiful it hurts. Crying or Very sad And MA understands so well...

Quote:
Yet again, at this woman’s touch, the ache in her throat eased, the Nell-sized hole in her heart gaped less widely.

What a poignant image...

The whole of this was wonderful, and I loved Polly's antics:

Quote:
She picked Polly up and gave her a good talking to, but the silver tabby merely yawned lazily in her face, licked the nose so tantalisingly near her own and then leapt gracefully from Hilda’s arms to explore the room for something to attack.

Laughing Her part in this scene was absolutely perfect - exactly what a cat *would* do.

Fabulous.
Merci, cherie.

#382:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 9:54 pm
    —
Tara wrote:
Mary, the only downside of these long posts is that there is just so much in them that I am getting to bed even later than usual! So I'll try to be concise.

Tara, I'm so sorry for keeping you from your bed, but this post might do that as well, I'm afraid. Laughing Unlike you, I'm not precisely concise! Rolling Eyes

So here we are - after three weeks at the Convent, Hilda is about to leave. (It's only taken 8 months to describe! Shocked See, Tara, not concise at all!) Laughing


Two days later, Hilda stood at the Office window watching the late afternoon sun tinge the soft snow a delicate pink. Streaks of deepest pink and lilac reached across the sky – everything was hushed and still and beautiful, almost too beautiful for mortal heart to bear. The shadows deepened under the heavily laden branches, but the snow lay untouched everywhere, deep and crisp and even. There had been a snow fight the day before, one much enjoyed by Ellie, Vivien and the younger nuns, but more thick, white flakes had fallen during the night to obliterate all traces of disturbance.

Vivien had departed for home after the fight, to prepare for the return to school, though she would not arrive till the Monday, along with most of the other mistresses. Whereas Hilda and Ellie were already packed, ready to leave on the morrow, Saturday. This was to be her last session with Mother Abbess. It was hard to believe she had only been here three weeks – since her collapse on her second evening, she had experienced enough emotion to last a lifetime. Sadness invaded her spirit at this parting from the people who were now her home. But Ellie would go with her, and old and new friends awaited at school. Despite what she had lost, there was still so much remaining.

And even as she stood there, the ethereal beauty enchanting her, she was conscious of an unreasoning up-rush of warmth all thorough her body, a wild resurgence of joy in her soul; she was overtaken by awe and rapture. A flash of pure and certain knowledge assured her she had been right to seize the remarkable gift offered, for delay might mean people hurting who could have been made whole, might mean people falling through cracks that need not have been there. God wanted her help – He would have it. She would not let His people down.

So dazzled was she by the vista of the terrifying, extraordinary years stretching ahead of her, that she started at a gentle touch on her shoulder. Turning, she saw Mother Abbess standing there. Hilda smiled her welcome, and Mother Abbess felt her heart brim over with love for this very special woman. Hilda’s eyes were like stars, shining with sudden joy, and her face was made beautiful by the soft pink glow outside.

“Oh, Hilda, child, how I will miss you,” the nun whispered, her own eyes sombre despite herself.

Hilda gathered the disconsolate woman in her arms and held her close. “And I will miss you, too, so much,” she murmured. “But you hold my soul in your hands now, and I will always return to you, like a chick to its mother’s wings. Everything I now am, I owe to God and you and Nell. I take all of you in my heart wherever I go.”

She leaned back a little and saw the tears drowning the green eyes. Pulling out a pristine handkerchief, she dried them gently, lovingly, as she whispered, “Don’t cry, Mother. Be glad for all you have done.”

Mother Abbess rubbed her eyes and cleared her throat, withdrawing slowly from Hilda’s arms. “I have a present for you, child. While I find it, go and sit down,” she said huskily, and moved over to her desk where she opened a drawer and removed a black, leather-bound book. She went over to the couch, sat down beside Hilda and placed the book in her hands. Hilda looked down and then her startled eyes flew back up.

“You already know how to use this,” said Mother Abbess softly and touched the book. “Every Religious needs her own Divine Office. This will be yours from now on, a gift not just from me but from Ian as well.”

“Ian?” asked Hilda in bewilderment as she turned the gilt-edged, vellum pages reverently. Mother Abbess turned the pages back to the beginning and Hilda saw the inscription.

Kate, beloved twin sister, you have at long last begun to live once more, and have finally discovered the one thing necessary. Stephen would have been so proud of you this day as you make your Final Profession. May God be with you each and every moment of the years ahead. Ian.

“You can’t give me this,” gasped Hilda in shock, her voice trembling. “Ian meant you to keep this book for always - such precious words.”

“And they are yours, my gentle daughter, for you, too, have begun to live again – and Nell is so proud of you. Ian knows I am giving it to you and approves.” Hilda opened her lips to argue, but found a gentle finger laid on them. “Hush, child, and fret not. I have my own book, left me by my own beloved Abbess when she died. I only had her for six years, but we were very close.”

She lifted another black, leather bound book off the coffee table, a book rubbed bare in places, its pages well-thumbed. She opened it and showed Hilda the jottings scattered here and there throughout the book in a neat, tiny hand.

“I was very sad when she died and have used this ever since, instead of my own. To me it still holds her essence, and I felt I still needed what only she had been able to give me.”

“As I need what only you can give me,” responded Hilda very softly. She turned the pages of the well-loved book, reading what had been written in that tiny hand – prayers, short notes, quotations, some of which leapt off the page at her. One, in particular, resonated within:

Thou art my joy,
And without Thee my table is empty.
(Thomas à Kempis)


“I’m guessing you think you’ve found a new home for some of those quotes of yours,” quipped Mother Abbess with an amused smile.

“Can’t I have my secrets anymore?” mourned Hilda.

“Not from your Novice Mistress, no,” declared the nun.

“I wonder who’s going to be stricter, my Mother or my Mistress of Novices,” teased Hilda.

“I’ve no idea, sweetheart – perhaps it will depend on circumstances. But I do know they will both love you with all their heart,” Mother Abbess replied wistfully.

Hilda lifted an arm and placed it round her friend, hugging her close. No words were necessary. She laid the well-used book in Mother Abbess’s lap and picked up her own book, reading once more the inscription.

“Thank you so much for letting me have this,” she whispered, and a tear watered the book. “I hope one day I will be worthy of Ian’s words.”

“You already are, daughter, have no fear,” Mother Abbess said quietly. “Otherwise I would not have given it to you. I think it’s been waiting for you all these years, for never before have I been tempted to offer it to anyone.”

More tears dripped onto the vellum pages. Seeing them, the nun added quietly, “Maybe I should add some words of my own.” She went over to the desk, returning with her pen, and adding new words under Ian's inscription.

Hilda, gentle and beloved daughter, you also have learned to live again this past year, and have done so with grace and courage. I am honoured to be both your friend and your Mother. Nell and I are so proud of you. May God go with you on all the roads you travel till you return home to us here for ever. Kate.


******************************


The service of Vespers for the Feast of Epiphany was closing, the last hymn being sung. But it was not quite over yet. Hilda rose to her feet and moved to the altar. On her way past the crèche she bent and picked up the bambino, bearing Him with her to the lectern.

Facing the congregation, waiting for the last verse to come to an end and the organ to quieten, her eyes moved from Mother Abbess to Sister Patricia, from Sister Infirmarian to the Prioress, from Sister Aiden to the octogenarian Sister Winifred, all watching her with a smile, all women she now loved. So many sisters she would have, she who had always longed for a sister with whom to share things.

She looked into the faces of those guests who still remained – expectant faces, haunted faces, faces sad beyond measure. These too she would learn to love.

The singing ceased, the music stilled. A smile of poignant beauty lit up her face as she began to speak, her lovely voice mellow and rich in the gentle silence.

“Now that the Magi have offered their gifts and returned to their own countries, Christmas is over, and the time has come to take up our everyday lives once more. Some of us have to leave this place of healing - but, Sisters, we go with deep gratitude in our hearts for all that you have done for us so willingly and given us so freely. Like the Magi, we must now resume our journey, wherever it may lead us, strengthened by your love, supported and upheld always by your prayers.”

She looked down a moment in silence at the bambino, then held Him up for all to see, and her voice deepened with the intensity of her emotions.

“God came down at Christmas as this tiny bambino, but whether we are Sisters or guests, all of us now have to leave behind the comfort of the cradle, carry the Christ-child with us in our hearts and take Him to all we meet, whether we are in the Convent or out in the world. We must follow His example, the example He set on His own journey – the journey that began in this cradle and ended in agony on the cross. There is work for us to do in His name; there are people needing our love, our help, our hands. Our love for the Christ-child has to be transformed into action –

When the song of the angels is stilled
When the star in the sky is gone
When the kings and princes are home
When the shepherds are back with their flock
The work of Christmas begins:
To find the lost – To heal the broken – To feed the hungry –
To release the prisoner – To re-build the nations –
To bring peace among brothers and sisters –
To make music in the heart.
(Howard Thurman)


Last edited by MaryR on Thu Dec 14, 2006 2:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

#383:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 10:06 pm
    —
Mary,
there is nothing I can say which could possibly do this justice.
Every phrase is tugging at my heartstrings . This is all so *REAL*.
Wonderful...........

#384:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 10:12 pm
    —
Mary, once again I am sitting here spellbound, with tears in my eyes at the sheer beauty of this. The calm unbroken beauty of the snow outside, the warmth within, the strong relationships which have been strengthened by this past 3 weeks (was it really *only* 3 weeks? it feels like half a lifetime) and the new ones which have been forged and will go from strength to strength in the months to come. And through it all sings Hilda's glowing assurance that yes, this is definitely the right decision for her, that speeding up her novitiate period will mean that she is ready so much earlier to give of her all to those who will need her, as indeed she has always done - secure in the knowledge that Nell is 'overseeing' the process and will continue to do so. And MA's gift of that copy of the Divine Office which Ian had given to her when she first became professed, and which she now passes on with his full knowledge and approval is more proof positive that this is indeed the way forward for Hilda, just as MA's own Abbess' copy of the Divine Office was *her* proof positive that she had made the right decision for her own future.

I don't know that particular verse celebrating the end of the Christmas period, but it's so fitting a commentary on what the holiday celebrates and how the work begins once that celebration ends.

Now, as the holidays end, I'm looking forward to seeing Hilda, Ellie and Vivien back at school, and to the ongoing relationship with MA even during term time - I'm sure that as happened during last term, Gwynneth and Nancy will never hesitate to contact her at any time they think Hilda is in need of her support - or her rebukes for taking too much on herself.

Thank you, Mary - once again your words have 'taken' us right into the scene, especially in that interchange between Hilda and MA.

#385:  Author: wheelchairprincessLocation: Oxfordshire, UK PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 10:26 pm
    —
Mary,

All I can say is Thank You. I can't find the words to express what I want to so I won't even try.

Thank You for sharing the blessed gift that is your talent and this story with us all. I am humbled by it.

Emma

#386:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 10:53 pm
    —
This has the most extraordinary and delicate balance about it, a sense that Hilda is poised between the convent and the rest of the world that awaits her.

And what a difference between the sad torn Hilda who arrived, and the one who is departing - still grieving for her loss, as indeed she always will be, but with a future and hope assured by God, that she knows to be right for her;
Quote:
A flash of pure and certain knowledge assured her she had been right to seize the remarkable gift offered
.

What a beautiful and appropriate gift MA has for her, and what an affirmation of Hilda's place in this convent, and her place in their hearts:
Quote:
I think it’s been waiting for you all these years, for never before have I been tempted to offer it to anyone.


And what a lovely awareness Hilda shows of her relationship to MA with that teasing comment: "I wonder who’s going to be stricter, my Mother or my Mistress of Novices" - and MA reassures her that she will love her no matter what.

And how beautiful of MA to involve Nell in her gift as she does....

Hilda's final words at the close of Vespers were very moving as she acknowledges all that has been given to the convent's guests during this Christmas and concludes that they must
Quote:
carry the Christ-child with us in our hearts and take Him to all we meet
.
And the verse is lovely.

Thank you Mary.

#387:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 2:43 am
    —
Very moving set of posts, Mary -- especially the passing on of the breviary.

And what perfect timing by Vivien. Smile

#388:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 7:00 am
    —
Thank you Mary

#389:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 11:28 am
    —
Oh Mary - what a lovely way to end this section. It sounds as if the snowfight went well, and the last few days have gone well. So, Hilda and Ellie are about ready to set off travelling back to the school.
Quote:

A flash of pure and certain knowledge assured her she had been right to seize the remarkable gift offered, for delay might mean people hurting who could have been made whole, might mean people falling through cracks that need not have been there. God wanted her help – He would have it. She would not let His people down.


I love the ideas and the joy in this little bit Mary - it issuch a clear calling on Hilda that she cannot ignore it, and it verifies that she is correct in the choices she has made. Yes, it is right, and she suddenly knows it.

The love and the joy that Hilda and MA share together is just wonderful. They may not be as close as they were to others, but they are, in one way, coming very close to it. They have shared so much with each other, that they almost can't help it - it is part of that mother-daughter relationship they have. Oh, but how they need each other, or they wouldn't find it quite so hurtful to leave each other.

I admit that I didn't know what 'Divine Office' might be - it looks like quite some book. I just love the inscriptions, both the one that Ian put on it, and that of Kate, as she in her turn, passed it on to Hilda.

The meaning of the Divine Office that MA uses colours the gift most wonderfully. That which has kept her close to the mother that she knew, will in it's turn, keep her close to Hilda as well. There is that added to the worth of the gift - though Hilda would have treasured it without the extra meaning.

And MA is wistful? I wonder what it is that is making her so? Or is it just the fact that Hilda will now be away for something like 3 months, and it will be easter time before they meet up again.

The service which followed it was stunning. Hilda is just the right person to perform this office. Her words are just right - are they part of the life of the convent, or just ones that she has prepared for the end of the Christmas period?

It's a lovely reminder that Christmas time is a time to take a break, and relax, and rejoyce with your friends and family, but once it is done, it is time to return to the work God has for you to do.

Thankyou Mary - that was simply lovely.

#390:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:35 am
    —
Hilda has been through so much is this short time, from the depths of grief and despair to the finding of comfort in her memories and a fount of love and purpose in her new life which has brought that
Quote:
wild resurgence of joy in her soul

As she moves back into the workaday world, with all its responsibilities and stresses (and perhaps renewed consciousness of the loss of Nell in the school, the place where she always was), Hilda has an even clearer mission than before;
Quote:
all of us now have to leave behind the comfort of the cradle, carry the Christ-child with us in our hearts and take Him to all we meet

And that final celebration of the meaning and of the challenge of Christmas;
Quote:
To find the lost – To heal the broken – To feed the hungry –
To release the prisoner – To re-build the nations –
To bring peace among brothers and sisters
To make music in the heart.


Thank you, Mary.

#391:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 2:46 am
    —
Lovely!!
Thank you Mary

#392:  Author: MaryRLocation: Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:15 pm
    —
I know I said this part was completed but here's a little of the start of the new term, just to whet your appetite......

Seated in her great William and Mary chair on the dais on the first evening of the girls’ return to school, Hilda watched the Catholics settle into their places after Prayers. She had an encouraging smile for Mireille as the latter nervously took her place on the dais near Hilda. Mireille being Catholic, it had been left to Gillian Reece as Games Captain to read the lesson, because the new deputy Head Girl was returning late to school. And Gillian had done it with great aplomb.

As the last few girls settled and the rustling died away, Hilda rose lithely to her feet and approached the lectern. She smiled down at them all, catching Ellie’s eye from her place at the back with the rest of the Sixth. Ellie’s gave her the suspicion of a wink – she was perfectly happy right at this minute, watching her beloved guardian and seeing her in a totally new light.

Hilda herself, even as she opened her mouth to speak, was suddenly filled with such affection for them all that it scalded her throat, making it impossible to speak. Her eyes misty, she reflected that she had only five terms remaining to her, and she must make every moment count, not just for herself but for Nell, who had invested so much of herself in this school.

She realised that she had missed them all, both girls and mistresses – and she had not expected that. She felt no sense of the dislocation she had feared, no longing to return to the peace of the Convent. So emotional had been her time there, so at home was she there, so great was her love for the Sisters and for Mother Abbess, that she had worried her grief would return in full measure once back in her usual haunts. Instead, she was aware of how much she still belonged here at the school. It was no longer home, but there was still much for her to do before she could leave, much of herself still to give. For the moment, her place was here with her girls, just as Nell had requested.

Flashing a beguiling smile round at her mistresses, who were becoming worried at her continued silence, she leaned forward and began….


I intend to leave it there just for the moment. And admit that I had considered not posting any more at all. It has taken me so long to write about the first six months of Hilda’s grief – two years almost and eleven parts – that I felt I had bored the board long enough. After all, there are another eighteen months or so to go! Embarassed

But I have so much more written and a great many people have assured me they DO want to know what Hilda gets up to, plus of course those arch-villains, MA and Vivien, Laughing that I shall indeed continue – but not just yet. It is at times extremely difficult to write, because of the emotion, and I do feel I need a break. But may I just thank all my faithful readers and posters for their stamina and kindness. Wink

Not that Hilda agrees with me about taking a break – she is haunting me incessantly. Shocked Watch this space….

#393:  Author: vicki_theterrorLocation: london PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 3:49 pm
    —
mary,

this has been just wonderful to read. At many times it has almost brought me to tears and very often it has touched how I've been feeling this autumn, so much so that it has been very difficult if not impossible for me to comment on the story.

Please, please go on with Hilda's story.
Laughing

vicki

#394:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 9:00 pm
    —
Ooooh - thank you for that little update. I love to see the way that Hilda has returned to school - and that even amongst the crowds she manages to show her love to Ellie.

I am also glad to hear how the school manages in the absence of Tessa.

Mary - you know exactly what I think about you stopping writing this - though I can sympathise with your finding it emotionally draining to write. SO I shall leave this here for now - if you have any doubts on the subject though, I shall happily refute them for you!

#395:  Author: clair PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 9:10 pm
    —
Mary, this is a wonderful thing to read, I can understand you needing to take a break but PLEASE post more when you are ready

Thank you so much for all you've done so far, looking forward to the next installment

#396:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 9:52 pm
    —
Nice to see a little more of this - and that Hilda is happy being back at the School.

Take as long as you need, Mary, it is very draining writing - but will feel strange stopping! Laughing

#397:  Author: TaraLocation: Malvern, Worcestershire PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:27 am
    —
Thank you for that, Mary. It's lovely to see Hilda back at school, feeling so much at home, and surrounded by her girls and colleagues. She does, indeed, have so much still to give them, and she will fulfil her pledge to Nell before leaving. They have both invested such a lot of themselves in the school.

Completely understand that you need a break, this must have been very draining to write, but we will all look forward to the time when you begin again - and I'm sure Hilda won't leave you alone for too long a time!

#398:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:23 am
    —
Mary, that was a lovely beginning to the new term, and such a confirmation that while Hilda has made the right decision for her own future, she has still much to give the school in the time left to her there.

Take as long as you like - the quality and power of your writing is such that the emotional demands it makes on you must be exhausting. Enjoy your break - and enjoy listening to Hilda!

#399:  Author: KatyaLocation: Mostly Bradford PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:13 pm
    —
Mary, I have just caught up on the last two posts. Many times whilst reading New Dreams, over the months, I have said I've been blinking back tears. This time they flowed freely: the conversation between Hilda and Mother Abbess was incredibly moving and beautifully written, and that poem at the end reduced me yet again. It strikes me as an absolutely perfect piece to read in the run-up to Christmas (though I know this section is set after New Year and that things have not gone exactly as you planned with the timing!): it must surely speak to all, religious or not, and has at one stroke made me look forward to Christmas again.

Considering how emotionally draining this story is to read, it must be utterly exhausting to write and it is completely understandable that you need - and want - a break, especially given everything that has happened in your life this year. Take as long as you like; we will be here, waiting patiently.

Oh, almost forgot to say - it's lovely to see that quick glimpse of Hilda back at school and to know that she is at peace there. Hilda, if you're listening, please give Mary lots more story, only give her a little peace as well first - please? Wink

Merci, cherie.

#400:  Author: Identity HuntLocation: UK PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:14 pm
    —
Ooh, an update ! Shocked
Mary, thank you !
This is a special Christmas treat, and very unexpected Very Happy

#401:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 5:10 am
    —
Lovely place to stop for the holidays -- including your own special time away. Hope you get some well-deserved rest, after all that's conspired to make this year so difficult.

#402:  Author: MirandaLocation: Perth, Western Australia PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 1:58 pm
    —
How lovely it was to see Hilda back at school and still belonging there as much as ever she did. But she also has another *home* now - and she recognises how lucky she is. It's lovely to think of Ellie sitting there amongst the Sixth, and I do look forward to hearing more of her story as a Chaletian! Smile

And the previous few posts have left me at a loss for words. The beauty of the descriptions, the vividity of the conversations, the love that shines from Hilda makes the whole scene so *real* and touching. Both the messages in the Divine Office were very touching and appropriate - for MA, and now for Hilda. And what a gorgeous few words at the end.

Merry Christmas to you and Hilda Smile And MA, and Nell, and Vivien, and Ellie....

#403:  Author: calicoLocation: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:48 am
    —
Thank you for that last lovely little piece Mary.
I can completely undertand your need for a break - it must be so draining at times to write.
I'm very much looking forward to the next installment.



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