The CBB :: View topic - New Dreams (Part 20) COMPLETED! And Part 21 started!

I told Gwynneth she was wrong, very wrong. In a position of responsibility, one must be responsible, no matter how selfish and stupid that may seem, no matter how rough one feels. Oh, sweetheart, how I admire your courage, your faithfulness.”

I know you, and I also know what it is to be the one who has the ultimate responsibilty. They didn’t make it easy for you last night, did they? Though I gather Linda Stone put them right a little on that one.

"She was the beat of my heart for nearly thirty years. She was the music heard faintly on the edge of sound.”

Grief will not be denied

Quote:

Her mind was lithe and quick and muscular as a leopard. Passion, tenderness and pain were all equally unable to disarm it. It scented the first whiff of cant or slush; then sprang and knocked you over before you knew what was happening. How many bubbles of mine she pricked

Nell to a "t".

"Yet, for all my tears, there is also sunlight and joy, and a depth and intensity to my new life that is totally different from my old life, and so very much richer. Without the loss of Nell it is hard to envisage such a development occurring. A strange and bitter-sweet development which I both want and yet don’t want:

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

Sheer madness – I know with my mind that the starboard engine has gone. I, the port engine, must chug along somehow till we make harbour. It's just that my heart hasn't caught up with it yet."

You managed to lock away your grief for your mother and for James, but grief will always catch up with you. It will not be denied. Give in to this loss graciously, as you have been doing. Allow the tears to wash away the grief and pain. Over and over and over again…. No matter how many people we have left to us to love, or to be loved by, they do not - and cannot - fill the hole left in our heart by the one who meant all in all to us.”

You MUST continue no matter what is said!

No one is forcing people to read your work and if they don't approve, well, they don't have to continue-

I can't help but feel slightly disassociated with Hilda's language though. Although it's written beautifully, it doesn't strike me as how she would speak, IYKWIM. I suppose that she's been through so much that her entire being has changed though.

“And then you rescued Ellie. You gathered her up, gave her wings and flew off with her before we could so much as blink. Your speed took us all by surprise. You gave her her heart’s desire.”

“School.”

“No, a mother’s love, you chump,” Mother Abbess retorted.

The Lord will guide you always;
He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
(Isaiah 58:11)”

“She’s been Your friend her whole life, Lord. She’s clung to You in the face of desperate odds. Don’t let her down now. Give her back that beautiful tranquillity of spirit, relieve her desperate sadness, lead her out of that howling wilderness. Reveal to her the full beauty of her deep and shining courage. Open her eyes to all she has done for Ellie – as well as the rest of us. She won’t listen to me, but you and I know all about her very special kind of self-giving. Make her see she shows the very love that Blake speaks about:

Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease
And builds a Heaven in Hell’s despair.”

"You gave her her heart’s desire.”

“School.”

“No, a mother’s love, you chump,

by being a listening ear, by phoning her in the bad times

Quote:

How did she know it wouldn’t happen again? And what would happen in April, when a whole year had somehow crawled by? Already her heart was tinged with frost at the mere thought of it and tended to sheer away in abject terror.

I’ve acknowledged the worst of myself to myself, and can go on again. I know God doesn’t ask that I be strong, only that I cling to His strength. I’m still sad and lonely and very tired, but so is many another in this world of ours. I won’t give up, but watch for His light in my darkness! And it is so very dark, sometimes….

I know God doesn’t ask that I be strong, only that I cling to His strength.

It was as though something was broken inside her, something both physical and of the spirit.

They loved each other, in all simplicity, and love kept the darkness at bay.

It is such a thought provoking scene, so much going on, and the twins are becoming part and parcel of AMAS

Enjoy today. Remember: The present moment is always full of infinite treasure. It contains far more than you can possibly grasp. (de Caussade)”

Everyone needed hope. Without it, how did you go on?

A few minutes later Hilda was accompanying Tonia up to the Sixth Form Dormitory. She was more than ready to leave the school to its own devices now and return to bed. She had accomplished what she had set out to do. She knew she had been right to defy Gwynneth. Meg had been reassured. Little Marie and Emilie had been offered the opportunity to pour out their nightmares, thus enabling them to go off happily to bed in Vivien’s room once more.

She had accomplished what she had set out to do. She knew she had been right to defy Gwynneth.

I got all excited then when I saw this had moved up the board, but then I realised no update. Oh well.

Ellie and Kate Stuart had given Hilda reasons to carry on, but were they enough to stem the loneliness and fill the emptiness and hardship of the road ahead?

But you don’t need any of my courage, lovely girl, nor Ellie’s nor anyone else’s. You have your own bright and shining courage, which you show every minute of every day. I’m still here, just out of sight. So don’t give up, dear one.

Isn’t this saga already long enough for you? :shock:

I was thinking more along the lines of sorting out the current problems very quickly and then simply jumping to next Autumn. :mrgreen:

Isn’t this saga already long enough for you? :shock:

That’s what true courage is: getting on with the job at hand when you’re terrified to move. That’s why I am so very proud of each and every one of them.”

Isn’t this saga already long enough for you? :shock:

I was thinking more along the lines of sorting out the current problems very quickly and then simply jumping to next Autumn. :mrgreen:

"Do I make myself clear?”

Incline us, O God, to think humbly of ourselves, to be saved only in the examination of our own conduct, to consider our fellow-creatures with kindness, and to judge of all they say and do with the charity which we would desire from them ourselves.”

"It is said, girls, that you are responsible forevermore for the person whose life you’ve saved.”

"It is said, girls, that you are responsible forevermore for the person whose life you’ve saved

I can't begin to imagine what things they will think of related to being responsible for Linda from this time on we'll wait in anticipation, shall we?

Hilda opened her lips to speak but Ellie kissed her. “Sh, Madame, please not to deny it. Mais, tu sais, your other guests have also been very kind to me, every one, and I love them all and enjoy being with them. So I am more than happy to be a member of your ‘Help Meg’ committee."

She paused and then added, with some glee, "Just as those on your helping committee, and I, and Mère, are all happy to be members of AMAS. Meg herself is also one of us, don’t forget. Monsieur Stuart’s secret society is growing bigger every day.”

That just warms you up as it was so nice. Perfect for a cold evening here.

I do love the Hilda-Ellie bits.

Thanks Mary!

She pushed the table to one side and made herself comfortable, curling her legs under her, ready as always to imbibe her guardian’s gentle wisdom....

Hilda knew it was for her sake they had loved Ellie, just at first. Now, however, they loved her entirely for herself, loved her for her honesty and generosity, for her creativity and impulsiveness, even for her fierce hates and loves. Ellie was very much her own person.

.“Those two shouldn’t have to suffer so hard for a moment of silly thoughtlessness. We can all make good, no matter how wrong-headed we have been.”

“I know, imp. That’s why we get on so well together.”

Ellie muttered under her breath, even as she put her arms round Hilda once more. “Je t’aime, Madame, and we do make the good team, n’est-ce pas? But me, I am not at all impossible.”

Hilda cocked an eyebrow at her. “No? Well, minx, I think I heard a knock at the door, so why don’t you let Mr Stuart in and ask his opinion?”

“How do you….?” Ellie stared at her guardian and then shrugged. “Of course you will know who is there. You know everything.”

“You’re… you’re…. .”

“Impossible, I know. You told me,” Hilda nodded.

Trying very hard not to laugh, Ellie trotted to the door and opened it, to find Ian standing there with a broad smile on his lips. She wasted no time. “Bonjour, Monsieur Stuart. Please to come in and answer to me a question. Madame, she tells to me I am impossible. Is it true?”

He closed the door and leaned against it lazily, his hands in his pockets. Keeping his face straight, he considered her as she stood before him, arms akimbo, eyes gleaming. “Oh, yes, you’re absolutely and utterly impossible, liebling.” Ellie’s jaw dropped. “Absolutely and impossibly lovely and intelligent and artistic and crazy….

I foresee that the coming lunch party will turn into another very special episode, one which will do much to quell Meg's very natural anxieties about her forthcoming visit to the convent.

That leaves the orange one for me….”

“To show what a riotous madcap you are, by any chance?” Hilda ventured.

Vivien drew herself up haughtily. “I was going to say I got that because there are so few colours left – but you’re right as usual, O Great Chief. Riotous madcap about sums me up.”

Love the origami flowers, and how each is so appropriate. (Is this one of your hobbies, Mary? You seem to have such detailed knowledge of it!) Could we please have a little update soon on Tessa? And one on Joey and her difficult pregnancy?

I think Ian should be cloned, boxed and distributed free to every member of CBB !

She will see what you want to be, not judge you for what you’ve done. She will take you places inside yourself that you had no idea were there. So trust her – and trust yourself. You’re so much more than you think you are.

I think Ian should be cloned, boxed and distributed free to every member of CBB !

They’re human beings, Meg, much like the rest of us. We grown-ups are not serious all the time or on our best behaviour. We like to relax and play, just as you do. Mother Abbess likes to play more than most, for she has a responsible position that can weigh very heavy at times. Miss Wilson was the same but, in her case, relaxing was more likely to be riding a horse fast and furiously.

She was learning so much that was new to her. She was learning that other people are not enemies to be kept out but, rather, guests to be invited into one’s soul, guests who could become friends. She was beginning to understand that teachers, even headmistresses, were not jailers whose words were to be resented, but human beings like herself with their own gifts and quirks, their own vulnerabilities – people who could become beacons of hope and comfort to brighten and warm her in her loneliness.

She would be able to examine all she had learned and seen, discard what she didn’t like or wouldn’t work for her, and then allow the rest to settle into her soul and help set her feet firmly on that new path she so craved.

I’m so sorry, Nell, dear heart. Did you think my love for you a sorry thing, if I was able to laugh so merrily so short a time after your death?

How could you even think it, dear girl? I knew what your love was – tempests could not have destroyed it. I was just so happy that someone had the guts to tackle you and make you accept there was no guilt in you and could force you to grieve openly and so heal. That stiff upper lip of yours was so very nearly your undoing. I had wanted to hear that lovely laugh of yours again and was so relieved when Kate Stuart took you by the scruff of your neck and showed you that life was still for living and loving.

The convent will be so good for Meg. The photos will make it so much easier for her as she will now see the nuns as people rather than just the stereotypical image that most people (me included) have of them.

a book in which a third century sage called Abba Arika asked, “When God prays, how would He pray?” Not a question I would ever have thought to ask myself, I’ll admit, but Arika suggested the following: “May it be My will that My mercy may surpass My anger, that My mercy may prevail over My other attributes, so that I may deal with My children in the attribute of mercy and, on their behalf, stop short of the limit of stern justice.”

“May it be My will that My mercy may surpass My anger, that My mercy may prevail over My other attributes, so that I may deal with My children in the attribute of mercy and, on their behalf, stop short of the limit of stern justice.”

Abba Arika asked, “When God prays, how would He pray?” Not a question I would ever have thought to ask myself, I’ll admit, but Arika suggested the following: “May it be My will that My mercy may surpass My anger, that My mercy may prevail over My other attributes, so that I may deal with My children in the attribute of mercy and, on their behalf, stop short of the limit of stern justice.”

all wrapped in one fierce, tempestuous, impulsive package – and tied with shining ribbons of loyalty and love.

The prayer was new to me too ! Where did you find it ?

She slept, a contented smile on her face and Persephone cuddled once more in her arms....

“You like them!” Madame Mousselin exclaimed in astonishment.

“They’ll be the death of me, but yes, I like them. They’re intelligent and original and accept their punishments with complete equilibrium. It’s all part of the fun to them. However, I’m going to make quite sure that their energy and joie de vivre get proper channelling before they blow the school up from under me.”

Someone had actually got the better of Hilda Annersley! Someone had said he was paying and that was that! Almost as sneaky and bossy as the Stuart twins, she grumbled to herself.

It had been a successful day so far on many matters. She slept, a contented smile on her face and Persephone cuddled once more in her arms....

. Your writing makes it so vivid, that I have come back three times this evening hoping for an update. :tea:

Oh, I think, by the end of the evening, that fertile imagination might have you wanting to wring your ward’s neck, dear girl.

What on earth can you mean, Nell?

That’s for me to know and you to find out….

Baggage! It doesn’t have anything to do with borrowing my head, does it?

And we got history too

Wow

I don’t know about playing dead, though. They’ve all got the giggles.

Thanks to Mireille and Ellie, history is coming alive tonight and what they’ve seen here will stick in the girls’ memories indelibly, I should think.

Why do you think they’ve got flags on them, woman? Thought you didn’t need glasses.

I don’t. I'm not nearly old enough! What on earth… ? ....

More conversations with Nell..... she couldn't exactly have the same conversation with Meg! :lol:

We do have a lot of strange animals don't we? did you know that of the 10 most venomous land snakes in the world ten of them are Australian?

Matey gazed curiously at Hilda and thought about humility. Did her Headmistress ever realise how rare she was? Did she ever count the extra miles she went for people? Did she ever think of putting herself first, instead of last? No wonder her head ached.

That shows a certain bravado, don't you think?

Mary... Please may I pull your Matey out of the drabble and give her a hug? I just love how caring she is here. She's wonderful! Just what Hilda needed on this occasion.

“Dormitories – or, to be more precise, Ellie’s dormitory. I think some re-arranging needs to happen.” Hilda’s eyes were grave as they focused on Matey. “Sara is going to give Meg a hard time, I suspect. She was openly resentful of Meg in front of me in my Literature lesson earlier in the week. That shows a certain bravado, don't you think? I’m not sure yet about Barbara, or about some of the others, but it strikes me we need to shore Meg up, strengthen her defences.”

“You want those two out of Larkspur - and Meg in?”

Thank you Mary! I look forward to the next edition of HA Superwoman soon...

you’ve had an extremely hard week, from bullying and thieving to near-fatal accidents. You – need – peace – and – quiet!”

Hilda let her head fall back again and her eyelids close. “It’s peaceful and quiet in here, is it not? Or it would be, if a certain person stopped yelling and waving her arms around.”

“You…. you….!” Matey gasped like a stranded fish.

Hilda choked. “You’d fall over my trousers. They’re at least a foot too long for you. As for the sword, it’s taller than you are and could do you permanent injury.”

She contemplated Matey lazily though half-closed eyes. “You almost tempt me, though, Gwynneth…”

Gulp! Anyone care to write a chapter or two for me? :bawling:

Matey glared at her in outrage. “Oh, I’ll rest this afternoon, Gwynneth,” she mimicked and then began to count on her fingers. “First, though, I’ll take Assembly. Next, I’ll just pop along and see Linda. Then I’ll invite several folk to lunch and have a good old natter. Oh, and after that, I’ll make a few overseas phone calls. For afters, just in case that isn’t enough, I’ll take part in a performance in front of the girls. That’s resting?” she asked in scandalised tones.

“I’ve just had a nap. What more do you want?” Hilda’s eyes were brimming with laughter.

Help! Charli wants to see the twins' mother, Di and Fiona want to know about Joey's pregnancy, MHE can't wait for the Staff's performance. As for Celia, well, she just wants everything, including Meg at the convent and Hilda and Ellie in Boston. :dontknow:

“You are still suffering from severe concussion, which is no surprise. You’ve had continual headaches of the outsize variety since the accident. You’ve had an extremely hard week, from bullying and thieving to near-fatal accidents. You – need – peace – and – quiet!”

Hilda let her head fall back again and her eyelids close. “It’s peaceful and quiet in here, is it not? Or it would be, if a certain person stopped yelling and waving her arms around

Help! Charli wants to see the twins' mother, Di and Fiona want to know about Joey's pregnancy, MHE can't wait for the Staff's performance. :shock:

As for Celia, well, she just wants everything, including Meg at the convent and Hilda and Ellie in Boston. :dontknow:

Gulp! Anyone care to write a chapter or two for me? :bawling:

Help! Charli wants to see the twins' mother,

Hilda let her head fall back again and her eyelids close. “It’s peaceful and quiet in here, is it not? Or it would be, if a certain person stopped yelling and waving her arms around.”

“You…. you….!” Matey gasped like a stranded fish.

“I know. I’m impossible – or so Ellie tells me.”

Inspired by the loveliness outside and by that dream of Nell, words of hope sprang to Hilda's lips:

Why should I despair while your presence between these walls still falls on me gently as moonlight on a seat beside the window? (Rilke)

One had to turn and face it, take the blows, find the strength to stumble on.

Thank you for all the wonderful comments on this part of my saga - in which I haven't even covered the whole of one day :bawling:

- but I'm going to end it here since I have reached page 24 and begin a new part - in a very few minutes. :lol:

So be alert, won't you? :mrgreen:

Author:	MaryR [ Fri May 07, 2010 3:10 pm ]
Post subject:	New Dreams (Part 20) COMPLETED! And Part 21 started!
I know part 19 has now been locked and I'm so sorry if you went to post a comment and couldn't do it, but how do I ever thank those of you who did respond? The level of reaction rather stunned me. And to know that it has helped and encouraged people when they were suffering themselves is a very humbling experience. But then I'm not the one writing it. I'm only the conduit between Hilda and you. Now, what has Mother Abbess got to say for herself? ....Hilda pushed herself to her feet, betraying her weakness by staggering, and caught hold of the chair to steady herself. Matey, for once, held her tongue. “Bet that cost you!” Hilda muttered. “It did, but there’s no point in arguing with you, so the next best thing I can do is help you do what you feel you have to do and then shoehorn you back into bed before you drop.” Hilda grimaced at her. “This might not be the right moment to remind you that you’re as stubborn as I about carrying on working despite being unwell – but pots and kettles certainly come to mind. Right, I think I can manage now,” and she turned away with a smile when she saw Matey’s dumbfounded face. Once in her bedroom she somehow found the strength to fumble into her clothes and put up her hair, even while acknowledging her aching limbs, her persistent headache and her dizziness. By the time she pushed the last pin into her hair her hands were trembling. “You can do this!” she remonstrated with herself in the mirror. “The worst is behind you, All you have to do is walk through the corridors, talk to three girls and then come back. Nothing unusual or difficult about that, is there? Nell, if you’re there, be my crutch, would you? Just for a short while.” When she walked back into the other room she saw the dishes had all been removed and Matey was sitting straight-backed and fierce, waiting for her. Did the woman never relax? “Why do I have the feeling you’re longing to take hold of me and shake me?” Matey’s eyebrow lifted. “I make it a point of honour never to hurt my patients, if I can help it! But I will shake you, if you’re not back here in reasonable shape and in under two hours.” Hilda’s own eyebrow rose. “Do I talk that much, Gwynneth?” Matey shrugged and opened her mouth to respond when the phone on the little desk in the corner interrupted her. Hilda saw the delight and relief which rippled over the lined face before her – and knew immediately who was calling. “You’ve been meddling again, Gwynneth Lloyd, despite all your denials,” she grumbled as she marched over and picked up the receiver. “Good evening, Mother,” she said grimly, glaring the while at Matey. The latter merely shrugged her shoulders again, rose to her feet and exited the room with a broad and knowing smile on her lips. “My, my! That’s a nice tone of voice with which to greet your Superior! Something got your goat, daughter dear?” Hilda gasped and then giggled at the blunt tone. The tight band round her head slackened a little, the tension eased in her shoulders. “Not something! Someone! Gwynneth’s her name and she has indeed got my goat, as you so inelegantly put it! She’s been up to her tricks again while my back’s turned.” “She has indeed, thank the Lord! A merry dance you seem to be leading everyone. Nothing changes, does it?” Mother Abbess added, with an exaggerated sigh. There was so much love underlying the words that tears stung Hilda’s eyes. “I have to assume you know even more than I do about the happenings here, and that’s why you’re ringing.” “My spies…” “Ah yes, your spies! Or in this case, one spy, my treacherous Matron.” “No, two of them, actually. Rosalie has joined the ranks,” purred a very self-satisfied voice. “Such a wonderfully sensible woman! Much more amenable than her pig-headed boss.” Hilda snorted. “I give up. If you’ve subverted my secretary, I’m doomed.” Her throat tightened, her voice mellowed. “Oh, Mother, I feel better already, just listening to that dictatorial voice of yours. God is so good to me.” “Hah! That’s not what I’ve been telling Him, I can assure you.” “Like I said,” murmured Hilda. “Dictatorial, bossy, won’t take no for an answer….” “If He can take it from Saint Teresa of Avila, He can take it from me," the nun replied grandly. "He seems determined on making your life a misery – and you seem determined on helping Him, with your obstinate sense of duty.” “Mother…” Kate Stuart’s voice softened and sweetened. “It’s alright, child. What did they expect, eh? A leopard doesn’t – can’t! - change his spots. Your sense of duty runs all the way up your spine like a steel rod and stiffens that resolve of yours. But then, I would have done exactly the same as you did – and would have ignored them all if they'd tried to bully me.” “That’s for sure!” “Gwynneth called me less than an hour ago and told me you were feeling considerably better than you have been for the last twenty-four hours and that it was the right time to phone. I was to be sure to chastise you for yesterday and to make you – what did she say, now? - languish languidly for the weekend, and rest. You? Rest? Hah! The world will stop spinning on its axis before that happens.” Mother Abbess drew breath and then laughed softly. “Don’t glare at the phone like that, daughter. I told Gwynneth she was wrong, very wrong. In a position of responsibility, one must be responsible, no matter how selfish and stupid that may seem, no matter how rough one feels. Oh, sweetheart, how I admire your courage, your faithfulness.” The tears could no longer be contained and ran down Hilda’s cheeks. “Thank you for understanding,” she whispered. “I don’t think I could have fought you, as well.” “No fight, child, just simple understanding. I know you, and I also know what it is to be the one who has the ultimate responsibilty. They didn’t make it easy for you last night, did they? Though I gather Linda Stone put them right a little on that one. The trouble is, they were worried about you. As am I! So you must try and take better care of yourself, now the worst is over. You only have meagre strength at the moment, in spite of the improvement at Christmas.” Hilda’s hand tightened on the receiver. “It’s like having Nell phone me. She always knew when I was worried or upset, and called to lend me her strength.” A sob escaped her as she wiped away her tears. “You try so hard to make up for her absence, Mother.” “It’s only second-best, though, isn’t it, child?” “No, it’s not! That would be to negate all you’ve done for me. And there has been so much. When she was gone, I knew I would be on my own for the rest of my life, and I was scared. You alone know just how scared…” Hilda stopped, swallowed, her throat closing up. But she had to speak, to reassure her friend, so she took a wavering breath. “Nell had other ideas, however. She made sure I didn’t remain alone and scared. She found me someone who could never be second-best, someone who has given me all that Nell gave me, and then took me further, gave me more. It might not always be what I want – sometimes, still, only Nell can be that – but it is always just what I need at any given moment.” “I need you, too, Hilda,” Mother Abbess offered, but then her sweet voice broke. “I couldn’t bear to lose you so soon soon after finding you, so you must – must! – take care of yourself.” “You won’t lose me,” Hilda promised. “I’m not about to join Nell just yet. She told me I had much to do before that time, remember? To be honest, I’m terrified of inflicting on you the pain her death inflicted on me, because I know the depths of your love for me. Even from afar it surrounds me, seeks to help me. Think of that exquisite shawl you wrapped round my shoulders last night. How did you know just how cold I was?” “I could make a guess. But you wouldn’t keep it!” the nun accused, her voice stronger. “I couldn’t, Mother. Ian still clings to it, for memory’s sake. You didn’t give him chance to say farewell to it. I did promise him that next time he offers it, I’ll keep it, but not until he’s ready.” Silence met Hilda’s words. Across the miles, she could hear the thoughts spinning. “I’m too bossy and demanding, aren’t I?” Mother Abbess remarked sadly. “You were, in this case.” Hilda’s voice was very gentle in its truth. “You were so ready with your love and compassion for me in our emergency that you forgot his feelings. I must teach him to stand up to you more,” she teased. “But please don’t feel guilty. You re-ignited my strength with your gift and kept me going when I might have crumbled. I suspect a lot of prayer, as well as love, is woven into that shawl.” “Mother’s prayer and love for me,” Mother Abbess said, great tenderness in her sweet voice. “At a time when I myself needed my strength and courage re-igniting, for I’d almost given up on life after all those miscarriages. It worked, too.” “Where there is great love, there are always miracles. (W Cather),” Hilda whispered. “There were miracles, indeed, child. I was being very selfish and wallowing in my unhappiness. The shawl made me see what Stephen was also suffering at the loss of our babies. You’re acutely sensitive, though, to have felt the love in that shawl.” “I don’t think so. Each and every member of the Stuart family is filled to the brim with unselfish devotion and love, love which is upheld by prayer. It wasn’t difficult to sense your mother’s heart in that shawl. The day I met you and became one more recipient of that compassionate caring was one of the most blessed days of my life, even if I did have to lose Nell to be so blessed.” “Ah, love, don’t. You needed your Nell, and you miss her intensely.” “But I still have her, even if at times I can’t see her or hear her in my loneliness – and I also have you, so who could be more blessed than I?” Hilda's voice wobbled a fraction and she paused to gain control. “She’s been very close the last twenty-four hours, you know. I don’t think I would have got through it all without her.” Mother Abbess had to clear her throat before she could speak. “She’s always close to you, sweetheart. So close that others can sense her, too, as I did in the convent when you were ill. So she sees your need and steps in to help. St John Chrysostom put it in a nutshell: He whom we love and lose Is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are." Tears sprang once more to Hilda’s eyes. “Those words may be true, Mother, but I think I’m more blessed than most, in being able to hear her so clearly. Most grieving people never have that awareness.” “No, child, you’re right. I never had the consolation of hearing Stephen, although I sensed him more than once. But much as we loved each other, we weren’t as close in spirit, as in tune with each other, as you and Nell were. Your bond must be very strong for me to also sense her.” Sudden pain gripped Hilda heart and she closed her eyes. There was a catch in her rich voice when she spoke. “To paraphrase Raymond Chandler, She was the beat of my heart for nearly thirty years. She was the music heard faintly on the edge of sound.”

Author:	ChubbyMonkey [ Fri May 07, 2010 3:55 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Mary, I couldn't comment on the last thread, but I am more pleased than you'll know that you've decided to carry this on. I only discovered it recently, and I would hate to lose it so soon; it's possibly the most touching and emotional piece of writing I've ever read, and you capture it at its best. Healing and forgiveness is something that everyone needs in their life, and thanks to you Hilda can give us all a little of that, so thankyou.

Author:	Mattea1 [ Fri May 07, 2010 4:25 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Mary, you've made my week so much better by posting today The way the two Abbesses talk to each other has conjured up all sorts of reactions from gentle smiles and welling tears to loud guffaws and snorts into my cup of tea. I hope we're going to hear the conversation between Hilda and Rosalie, now Rosalie has joined the ranks of saving Hilda from herself Thank you Mary

Author:	Celia [ Fri May 07, 2010 5:49 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
These two are so attuned. So much revealed in a phone call-- teasing, support, and another chance to witness the deep and shining love they have one for the other.....but never the abiding alliance which only Nell could share with Hilda. ' She was my heart beat for nearly thirty years ' A soul mate indeed. Thank you so much Mary.

Author:	Identity Hunt [ Fri May 07, 2010 5:59 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Both the St John and the Chandler quotes were new to me - thank you, Mary ! I definitely want to be like MA when I eventually get round to growing up

The CBB http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/

New Dreams (Part 20) COMPLETED! And Part 21 started! http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=7827

Author:	Abi [ Fri May 07, 2010 6:54 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
MA is such a great person and of course said exactly the right things to give Hilda the strength to go on and do what she must. Thanks Mary.

Author:	PaulineS [ Fri May 07, 2010 7:01 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Mary Thank you and Hilda for the depth of your knowledge of English speaking authors. The quotations were apposite and so fitting too the characters of the two Abbesses.

Author:	Elder in Ontario [ Fri May 07, 2010 7:33 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
That was truly delightful - such a mixture of emotions which allow the rapport, not just between these two women, which is so wonderful in itself, but between both of them and all those others who have Hilda's well-being at heart, to shine through loud and clear. Definitely the tonic which Hilda needs to help her through her next round of 'visits', along with the sure knowledge that Nell, too, will be 'supporting' her. Thank you, Mary - I will look forward to the conclusion of this conversation in due course.

Author:	charli [ Fri May 07, 2010 10:25 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Yes! I told you there would be an uproar if you stopped posting this! I'm so glad everyone agrees that ND MUST continue. Thanks for a (dare i say it 'lovely' ) update Mary. Everyone seems to appreciate your writing, and I for one, can tell how much honesty and experience you put into it.

Author:	clair [ Sat May 08, 2010 10:16 am ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
That was perfect - so much love and emotion showing the depth of their friendship. MA and Hilda are so good for each other Thank you Mary, please don't even consider stopping posting on this

Author:	Fiona Mc [ Sat May 08, 2010 12:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Mary, I will personally come over to England to strangle you if you ever decide to give up on this drabble At times it may be extremely painful to read, but it is also extremely healing. You have a delicate, tender way of writing that stops it from falling into sentimentality or being too religious, but are able to show the rawness of Hilda's grief so we experience it with her. Her faith in God is too much a part of her for you not to write it and you do write it in such a way that it's not preaching but is simply true and real.

Author:	jmc [ Sat May 08, 2010 12:29 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
I was so pleased when I saw you had posted Mary. I agree with everyone else in saying that there would have been uproar if you hadn't. I just loved the conversation between Hilda and MA. Thank you.

Author:	Chris [ Sat May 08, 2010 4:20 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Me too! Please don't let self-doubt get a hold. This is such a beautiful love story, please don't stop.

Author:	MHE [ Sat May 08, 2010 10:04 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
That was just the conversation that Hilda needed, one which confirmed that all her actions over the last few hours had been the correct ones. As MA said Quote: I told Gwynneth she was wrong, very wrong. In a position of responsibility, one must be responsible, no matter how selfish and stupid that may seem, no matter how rough one feels. Oh, sweetheart, how I admire your courage, your faithfulness.” and Quote: I know you, and I also know what it is to be the one who has the ultimate responsibilty. They didn’t make it easy for you last night, did they? Though I gather Linda Stone put them right a little on that one. perhaps now that MA has told Gwynneth that she and the others were wrong, maybe the pressure on Hilda will decrease. After all human nature being what it is the more we are told not do do something the more we dig our heels in There is such a depth of understanding and love between Hilda and MA that at times it is hard to remember how new their friendship is. Thank you Mary for posting. I too, look forward to hearing the rest of their conversation.

Author:	Lesley [ Sat May 08, 2010 10:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Thank you Mary - that was lovley.

Author:	Luisa [ Sun May 09, 2010 12:03 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Joins the chorus of thanks. Only you could put St John and Raymond Chandler in the same post - both going in my commonplace book for "Ian"

Author:	linda [ Sun May 09, 2010 1:53 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
I wasn’t able to comment on your last thread due to a serious problem with my laptop which kept me off line for the past few days, but I would like to add my thanks you for carrying on with ND. It is such a wonderful story, beautifully told and the first thing I look for each time I log on to the board. Thank you Mary, long may Hilda carry on dictating to you. This was a really uplifting start to Hilda’s conversation with MA. Just what she needs at the moment. Even though they have not known each other for long, Kate understands more than most the devastating hole that Nell’s death left in Hilda’s life and heart. Like many others, I loved the St John Chrysostom quote, but the Raymond Chandler one really summed up for me the relationship between Hilda and Nell which is so strong that it even transcends death Quote: "She was the beat of my heart for nearly thirty years. She was the music heard faintly on the edge of sound.” Thank you, Mary – simply wonderful!!

Author:	shesings [ Sun May 09, 2010 2:49 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
So glad you are continuing this, Mary. You write so beautifully that it's a joy to read!

Author:	marni [ Mon May 10, 2010 1:52 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Fri 7/04
Thank you Mary.

Author:	MaryR [ Mon May 10, 2010 7:30 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) Mon p1 10//05/10
Thank you for all for the kindly comments. The unnamed quotes in this post are all from A Grief Observed by CS Lewis, though it was published in 1961 under an assumed name. ....“To paraphrase Raymond Chandler, She was the beat of my heart for nearly thirty years. She was the music heard faintly on the edge of sound.” “That’s beautiful and very evocative, child,” whispered the nun. “And tells it better than I ever could! You’re not the only one to sense her, though, Mother. Even Gwynneth’s taken to talking to her. I seem to have let too much slip during the night.” Mother Abbess hooted gently but there had been something in Hilda’s voice which kept her quiet, patiently waiting. Eventually, she heard a stifled sigh. “You said just now that I miss Nell intensely. You know that’s true, because you’ve had to rescue me a couple of times this term already.” Hilda’s voice was low and strained. “My grief seems to have stepped out of its hiding place with all its claws sharp and keen, and yet I came back after Christmas feeling so much more in control of myself.” “Hilda, child, I do wish you’d listen to me and not feel so ashamed of the despair and the tears. It’s normal and natural.” The nun frowned and thought back. “I remember after the spoon episode, you blamed my little book for your breakdown.” A swift intake of breath was heard. “A Grief Observed. But it wasn’t a grief observed, was it, Mother? It was a grief lived through, with all its anguish and tears. It took me straight back to those first dreadful weeks when I felt my heart ripped out, my future taken from me, leaving me maimed and helpless. That’s why I broke down that first Friday of term, the day after you sent it. It’s still affecting me…. this grief seems endless. The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” “That hovering cloud won’t go away tomorrow, child, you’re right,” the nun whispered, longing to reach through the phone and hold Hilda close. “Or the day after tomorrow, or the week after or the month after…. There’s a poem encapsulates my feelings so well – Pain has an element of blank; It cannot recollect When it began, or if there was A time when it was not. It has no future but itself, Its infinite realms contain Its past, enlightened to perceive New periods of pain. (Emily Dickinson) “Every time I seem to move a little away from it, there it is again. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.” “Which is why I immersed myself in mindless pleasure, if you recall,” the nun said, her voice haunted beyond measure. “I’ve told you before, sweetheart. It ebbs and flows, and catches us unawares when we least expect it, as it did when you saw that poor, lonely spoon.” The nun spoke softly, not wanting to stop Hilda from pouring out what she poured out so rarely. This little book had done its work well, it would seem, even if it had hurt Hilda. What was more interesting to the nun was that, this time, Hilda was working things through with her fine mind and not just reacting with her emotions. “You used the term ‘shattered by bereavement’ when I first met you. And I was – into pieces so small I didn’t think I was worth repairing. What would have been the point?” “But you were worth repairing – and there was a point.” “And you did – repair me. Even if there are hairline cracks left, through which my faith and courage still bleed.” Hilda paused, then said, “Excuse me a moment, Mother.” The nun heard the receiver laid down and footsteps going away. She waited and then heard the same footsteps returning and the phone picked back up. She heard the sound of pages being flicked through, followed by a swiftly-drawn breath and then Hilda picked up on her thought without any preamble. “The aurhor, who I’m still convinced is C S Lewis, asks the same questions I did. Can a man ask questions which God finds unanaswerable? Quite easily I should think. Oh yes! Like him, no longer believed in God’s goodness – or at least, I didn’t, for a while. Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?” “Because we slam the door in His face! I didn’t believe in His goodness for a good many years, child, unlike you. I fled from Him completely, remember. He had no answers for me - or none to which I would listen.” “Who can blame you, after what was done to you?” Hilda breathed. “No excuses, love. People have suffered far worse than I.” “I take leave to doubt that. I certainly have never suffered anything like the horror of Stephen’s death.” Hilda ignored the nun’s sharp words of denial. “As I was saying, I felt I should be recovering after all these months. But then you sent me this little book. There, in one short paragraph, he presented his wife to me – and I was lost in that wilderness again – Her mind was lithe and quick and muscular as a leopard. Passion, tenderness and pain were all equally unable to disarm it. It scented the first whiff of cant or slush; then sprang and knocked you over before you knew what was happening. How many bubbles of mine she pricked. “There was Nell!” Hilda’s voice broke and she struggled desperately for self-control. “All aspects of her – even to the pricking of my bubbles - depicted better than I ever could, if I tried from now till Hell freezes over. I thought I would die of my grief at that moment and I mourned her as though I had just that moment received the news. How I resented Him. He had what I wanted. And He was going to keep her – for always.... Is it any wonder I was unable to sleep the whole of that first Friday night of term, after reading those words? She danced more vividly behind my eyes whenever I closed them than if she had really been there in the room with me. I simply couldn’t bear the pain – even if some kind of peace did come by the morning.” There was no peace in the quiet which followed those halting, tormented words. The physical distance between the two women seemed to resonate with unshed tears and unheard cries and a grief which would not be assuaged. That Nell-sized hole inside Hilda was almost visible to Mother Abbess, gaping wide across the miles and pleading to be filled. A sob finally disturbed the unquiet silence. “How often this term I’ve wallowed in what the author calls his maudlin tears….” “You never wallow, sweetheart,” Mother Abbess murmured, her voice tender. “You wouldn’t know how! Anyway, even if you did, you’ve had good cause these last few weeks. So much seems to have happened.” “I’ve had no cause.” Hilda raged at her inadequacies. “I’m a Headmistress, and shouldn’t need any help from anyone to do my job, not even from Nell. I’m old enough and experienced enough to do better than this. But oh, how I’ve needed her, wanted her – You tell me she goes on. But my heart is crying out, come back, come back. Be a circle touching my circle on the plane of Nature. But this is impossible. I know the one thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. The old life, the jokes, the arguments, the tiny, heart-breaking commonplace. It is part of the past.” Hilda’s deep anguish recalled to the nun’s mind her own despair in the midst of her long, long giddy French whirl, the despair she had tried to cover over with a mask of tawdry gaiety and tinsel happiness. But such anguish never disappeared just for the asking. No matter how long you tried to defer it, you couldn’t walk round it to reach the other side. You had to live through it, moment by desparing moment, if you wanted to find some kind of wholeness. Hilda was treading her own unique and solitary path with eyes wide open and a courageous spirit – and she was suffering. For she told herself no lies. Kate Stuart pulled herself together and tried to find the words that would bolster her friend’s brave spirit yet also subdue that sudden flash of anger at her seeming cowardice. “According to Helen Keller, you can never lose all that you once enjoyed, my gentle daughter. It has become a part of you, never to be taken away. You told me once, you were going to polish those memories for me and make them sing.” “I tried, when the pain retreated a little. But these past three weeks…..” Hilda shook her head. “Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead. For a while it eases and then, wham! A little spoon can undo me…..” “Or a beloved child who is being bullied… or the bully herself being unloved… or your Head Girl having an accident and being missed… or Linda Stone nearly losing her life…. or your own accident, which has left you so short of strength. So many things have happened, love, and no one would be surprised to see you undone by them, though somehow you manage to hide it from most. Vivien, Gwynneth, Rosalie, Nancy – all of them are astonished and awed at your courage and self-control, because they know the depth of the love and they know the things that have happened to you these last eight months.” “Eight months, Hilda,” the nun added sharply. “Eight months is all! How on earth do you expect to feel? Like singing and dancing? Grief will not be denied.”

Author:	Lesley [ Mon May 10, 2010 8:00 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Quote: Grief will not be denied Keep saying it Kate - keep saying it until she believes it. Thank you Mary

Author:	PaulineS [ Mon May 10, 2010 8:09 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Mary this posting is so tender and moving. Through it comes the certainty which both women have experienced love and grief can both be painful. Many try to deny both, but grief cannot and love denied can be as corrosive as trying to deny grief. The care of MA and Hilda for each other and their deep heart love of individuals, (Steven for MA and Nell for Hilda) gives their questioning and acceptance of their faiths a reality. Thank you Mary. I hope you are now enjoying a break.

Author:	Luisa [ Mon May 10, 2010 8:29 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
/quote]Her mind was lithe and quick and muscular as a leopard. Passion, tenderness and pain were all equally unable to disarm it. It scented the first whiff of cant or slush; then sprang and knocked you over before you knew what was happening. How many bubbles of mine she pricked[quote] Nell to a "t". Really must reread the book. I don't know how you do this Mary, but am so glad you do.

Author:	Mattea1 [ Mon May 10, 2010 8:33 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Mary, there is so much in your post my little brain is struggling to take it all in I agree with Lesley though, MA must keep telling Hilda that giving into her grief is quite alright; besides it is only 8 months and after so many years that is but a very short time. Thank you Mary

Author:	Elder in Ontario [ Mon May 10, 2010 8:46 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
In the context of a grief such as this, eight months is a mere drop in the bucket, and Kate is quite right to remind Hilda of that fact. The very fact that Kate is able to relate to the depth of Hilda's grief for Nell precisely because she herself has experienced a similarly deep grief in Stephen's death is invaluable. It enables her to reassure Hilda over and over again that her grief is not abnormal, that it cannot help but 'insert' itself into her daily life, often at the most unexpected moments, and she cannot and should not fight against this. But she should also take heart from the fact that all who surround her daily are filled with admiration for the way she insists on carrying on. Thank you, Mary - this was definitely just what was needed here.

Author:	clair [ Mon May 10, 2010 9:31 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Thank you Mary - that was lov ely, please stick with ND and it's readers. This kind of writing doesn't come along often and I'm so pleased that you share your gift with all of us

Author:	MHE [ Mon May 10, 2010 9:40 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Quote: Grief will not be denied Absolutely!!! There is absolutely no point in trying to deny it – it is always best to give in to it, hard as that may seem. Even now six years after my father died there are days when I wish he was here, and those days are very difficult. Only someone who has experienced such heart rending grief as Hilda is now facing can possibly understand and this is one of Kate’s greatest assets in this precious friendship. The eight months that have passed are a mere second when counted against the years of friendship and close working relationship that Hilda and Nell enjoyed. Thank you Mary.

Author:	Celia [ Mon May 10, 2010 10:09 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Although discussing her grief is so hard for Hilda it is wonderful what an effect that little book has had. Talking to MA, whose experience of grief was equally monumental, will help and strengthen her to bear the ongoing pain. Thank you Mary

Author:	Identity Hunt [ Tue May 11, 2010 6:24 am ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Grief truly will not be denied. Almost eight months since my brother died, and this last weekend, I too found that “Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead." I'm so glad MA is "with" Hilda here.

Author:	Squirrel [ Tue May 11, 2010 8:42 am ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Right... Maybe I'm eventually at the place where I can start to express something of the beauty that I see in your last three posts Mary... But first - the biggest emotion I'm hit with is astonishment... "My goodness - you must be utterly wrung out writing that!" How do you do it? The intensity and pain of what you've committed to paper is just like putting yourself through the emotional wringer... How do you keep on managing to do it??? I'm tired just reading it (OK, am tired a lot recently, but still!!!), so how you must feel after hours grappling with it, getting it down on paper, and polishing it until you're happy it's in the right place I don't know... Fit only for bed I suspect. And yet, you do it - you portray these intense emotional scenes for us, delving deep into the hurt and pain that Hilda feels, enabling us to maybe feel even an echo of what she is going through as she talks to her most trusted confidant. As others before me have said - this is exactly the scene which was needed here, and you have not shrunk from writing it in its proper place - just as you will not shrink from putting other posts exactly where they belong in this wonderful story of yours. Now Hilda has started to release some of that which she cannot release to colleagues, and this is a Very Good Thing. May this conversation with MA reach the point where Hilda has got rid of everything she is ready to say at this stage - and perhaps introduce new directions and thoughts as MA is so good at - something that will distract from this deep grief for a while. How human Hilda is though... I see so much of what I see in myself and others in this section "but it has been eight months, time has passed, I should be able to handle this now". How slow we are to realise that for some emotions eight months is but a drop in the sea, and that we need real time to process and get used to the events which produced them. But to our minds and heads struggling for what seems 'long term' is unacceptable, and so we add to the burden we are carrying by introducing guilt at our inability to deal with the situation, and therefore make it far harder to carry. Thank you Mary. Sorry for the essay!!!

Author:	ChubbyMonkey [ Tue May 11, 2010 10:26 am ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Thankyou for the update. How wise those words are - perhaps we should all listen to them more. Thankyou.

Author:	Cath V-P [ Tue May 11, 2010 2:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Eight months - such a little space of time really in which to grieve and come to some sort of acknowledgement of Nell's loss. No wonder Hilda has these hours of terrible grief and despair, and I suspect that they will stay with her for the rest of her life, coming at wider intervals perhaps, but still present. After all, Nell was "the beat of her heart" with all that that implies, not least the knowledge that the "grief observed" had first to be lived through for that place of assessment to be reached. MA is right to tell her that this is not unusual, that she is not being maudlin or unreasonable and that grief takes time. And that conversation between Hilda and MA was most rewarding in so many ways, a true exchange between them. It's a measure of how much they give, each to the other, that Hilda was able to tell MA that she was wrong to ask Ian to give her the shawl - that her need to give comfort to one caused her to overlook the other. That they can both express and accept such observations is surely indicative of a profounf level of trust and affection. Thank you Mary - this is so splendidly written with a precise and careful nuancing of the processes of grief and love.

Author:	linda [ Tue May 11, 2010 6:58 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
Mary, you leave me almost speechless!! Such an exquisitely beautiful emotional discussion between Hilda and Kate on the tenacity of grief. The quotes from A Grief Observed were new to me, but so very apposite. Thank you, Mary for keeping faith with your many readers and continuing to lead us through Hilda's life after Nell.

Author:	Kathy_S [ Wed May 12, 2010 2:12 am ]
Post subject:	Re: New Dreams (Part 20) p1 Mon 10/05/10
I have to agree with MA on this one. To expect grief to go in a mere eight months? Not at all reasonable. I'm glad MA has her network of concerned spies.