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The Last 3/5
http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=8754

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:16 am ]
Post subject:  The Last 3/5


A brief foreword....

Liz says, that ths is probably the only drabble she'll ever complete! So appologises profusely for this! She also says she's pulled characters as she likes and ignored any 'time' that it was set in, just written it as she likes so...Liz will be Liz!!

Liz hopes you will enjoy it, and see it for what it is, an outlet of some description. A medium where it is her own words, speaking to others through their own interpretation of it. She also hopes that she does not hurt any of you by saying her mind and opinions in places.

Liz started writing this a while ago, when things all started to get difficult and she found herself diagnosed with terminal cancer. Since then she has carried on writting this, more recently through a few of us who have done dictation for us. She says it's part drabble part reality. I'm not quite sure where one ends and the other begins. I do hope that you all understand this and that it is in the right house, for it is where she asked! Many appologies if the narritive style greatly changes, it's probably down to myself or Paul whoever wrote on that day!!!

And if you're in it or see yourself in it....erm... I really do appologise....and it's then absolutly nothing to do with me and Liz wrote that bit totally by herself....

Many thanks and enjoy

Claire



[AIDS was] an illness in stages, a very long flight of steps that led assuredly to death, but whose every step represented a unique relationship. It was a disease that gave death time to live and its victims time to die, time to discover time, and in the end to discover life.
Herve Guibert

It sounds strange to term any illness as a likeness to AIDs doesn't it, but it will makes sense that I begin with this quote as I go on. Any terminal illness brings this feeling, and this quote just sums up the journey illness takes you on so appropriately.

I'm so sorry that you will be reading this all as a letter, but I am sad to say it means I couldn't meet you and my time was called before I had the chance to tell you in person. I just hope you will forgive all my past actions...

Anyway, it's time to explain myself and start at the beginning of this journey. as otherwise everything over the last three years melds into one and doesn't exist separately.

School was one of those life changing expriences for friends, for family, for loved ones and the one.

The one in which I knew I had met who I wanted to be with forever, but it's difficult when they are a teacher, and not really so much older than you isn't it? Anyway Who ever would have known that a few years further on I'd have gotten the one of my dreams, and for once got my own way.

Anyway I did, I idolized her and you knew that. In fact you teased me to the point of frustration on occasion, but I know, I understand that better now. I'm sorry I didn't understand you better at the time. It might have saved so much heartache, so many wrongs, and two wrongs did never create a right.

Mum and Dad, took it badly, in fact they were devastated, me their only daughter be engaged let alone partnered to another woman, and from a good Catholic upbringing, well I should know better. It was never said in that such way, it never needed said.

I knew.

They knew.

Well I paid for it, they wouldn't talk to me, let alone look at me or say anything about me, in fact I don't think for a long while I even existed.

It was all fine though until 18 months ago though, then the probelms started. I had tumours in my lung it spelt trouble, though what type i wasn't so sure then.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:59 am ]
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A very intriguing start, Lizziearnett, and I'm sure that you have been taking pleasure in planning and writing this. Thank you, too, Claire and Paul for becoming scribes to bring the story to the rest of us.

Author:  charli [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 6:30 am ]
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Thank you Liz and team!

Author:  Lesley [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:30 am ]
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Thanks Liz and Co.

Author:  Alison H [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:51 am ]
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Thanks for posting this, Claire.

Author:  janetbrown23 [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 8:01 am ]
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Thank you Liz and your trusty scribes.

Author:  roversgirl [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 8:31 am ]
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Thanks. This looks interesting...

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 8:44 am ]
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Thank you Liz and co.

BTW Your in good company; EBD was supposed to have done the same with Phyllis Matthewman and her last book.

Author:  JB [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:23 am ]
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Thanks Liz - and all the rest of your team.

Author:  PaulineS [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 11:50 am ]
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Thanks Liz and team.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:03 pm ]
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Intriguing start, thanks Team Liz!

Author:  Celia [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:22 pm ]
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Thanks Liz,scribes and helpers.....I'm hooked already, and looking forward to the next post.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:00 pm ]
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Thankyou to all the team - a beautiful way to start it, and I can't wait to read more!

Author:  marni [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 6:16 pm ]
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Thank you to all of you. I too can't wait to read more.

Author:  Squirrel [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:54 pm ]
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Wow... I can tell already that this is going to be quite a difficult read - I'm sure you'll have many of your readers in tears through the emotive way you have of writing. I can also imagine that it will be quite difficult/helpful writing it as well.

Thank you all for the intriguing start. I hope that I manage to remember to keep up with reading it. I'm sure it will be one to watch as it develops.

Author:  Abi [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 8:41 pm ]
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Thanks for this, Liz and co.

Author:  shesings [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:54 pm ]
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Thanks Liz and team!

Author:  Llywela [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:36 am ]
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Thanks for posting - that's a powerful beginning.

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:24 pm ]
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I jump ahead, I know typical Liz you'd say. Anyway, I always knew throughout school that I was different in some way. I mean we all get our schoolgirl crushes, but unlike you who very much liked some of the young San doctors and the odd young man in a visiting group, I never had that, other girls, some teachers, but I never could tell you.

At one point I rather fell in love with you too, but then I pushed you away, went around with different friends and then I saw her and realised that any feelings I'd had before had been silly school girl crushes, well I knew I had to finish my final year at school before anything could be said aloud.

I suppose that was where life got worse for you and so many things went wrong, but until the day you had to leave I never realised how wrong I was in it all. Instead of coming back to you and trying to help I carried on pushing you away and leaving you behind. i knew you were unhappy, and that somewhere in me was unhappy too. But, I was too young and too quick to dismiss all your feelings and lonliness. Soon after that you left, and I could do nothing about it. I do hope you can forgive me.

I won't dwell on this point, but I do hope that you can forgive me in time.

To continue on with my story, I first realised my true feelings for Gillian when she returned to the school as a teacher, and I feel in love instantly. You teased me relentlessly and made so many snidey comments, you almost drove me to distraction. However, I left school, made my way in life off to nursing college, and afterwards to work in children's wards looking after some very sick children. As chance made have it bumped into Gillian again after three years of working on the wards, when one of the then Chalet girls was brought in. She'd already been married and left her husband

Author:  PaulineS [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:05 pm ]
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Thanks Lizzie and team. This is becoming a fascinating drabble with two sides to it.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:06 pm ]
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Thankyou. Is the narrator based on a series' character? Sorry if I'm being dim!

Author:  keren [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:09 pm ]
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ChubbyMonkey wrote:
Thankyou. Is the narrator based on a series' character? Sorry if I'm being dim!



Is it Elizabeth Arnett talking to Betty Wynne Davis?

Author:  Abi [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 25/11

keren wrote:
ChubbyMonkey wrote:
Thankyou. Is the narrator based on a series' character? Sorry if I'm being dim!



Is it Elizabeth Arnett talking to Betty Wynne Davis?


I think so.

Thanks, Liz and team; this is great.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 25/11

have been away and only just seen this, Liz, but I too am guessing it's Elizabeth, and am rather reeling that Gillian has left her husband and is now free....

Poor Elizabeth, when you knew what and who you were, at a time when it was forbidden, how do you cope with containing it all? No wonder you moved away in spirit from Betty.

Liz, this is going to be no comfort read, but each of us has a story to tell and I'm waiting avidly for the next piece of yours.

Gather together the fragments of your lives,
make good endings.
Do not pine away...
Seek to live from the depths of your wounds,
Accumulate timeless treasure.

Author:  Celia [ Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:25 pm ]
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I too guess it is Elizabeth writing to Betty. The snide comments made by the latter to Liz about 'her darling Gillian' when the school was sheltering from an air raid seem to ring the right bell.

Thank you Liz and the team

Author:  charli [ Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:03 am ]
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Thank you, this makes very interesting reading, and is clearly well thought out.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:16 am ]
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Thanks Liz, am really enjoying this. It's amazing and raw all in one

Author:  Chris S [ Fri Nov 26, 2010 3:17 pm ]
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Thank you Liz and team from another who is enjoying the story.

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 2:21 pm ]
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Yes to all those who speculated correctly, it is about Elizabeth Arrnet, writing to Betty, however, as said at the beginning Liz is only using these characters but has ignored any period of time, as the foreword said, it suits her as otherwise the story really is ahead of it's actual time period, that she tells me is probably the end of the second world war. However, as she rightly points out, 'coming out' in many a community is still so difficult and those in the LBGT community still get ber much marginalised even in this day and age.

By the by, Paul who wrote this part, and I for posting this part accept no responsibility from here on in for anything that Liz has had us write....please refer any comments to her, other than good ones, in which case we will willingly accept them!!!!!!!!

Anyway on with the story,
Claire


She'd already been married and left her husband, I still remember her surprise at seeing me, as a nurse, "Elizabeth Arrnett, my goodness, a nurse and so grown up" I have to admint that I did have to stifle a giggle at being called Elizabeth again after so long. By this point I'd been called nothing but Liz (or Lizzie from a few) for at least 5 years, I corrected her, trust me! Gillian did laugh, said something like she'd always remembered me being direct, but saw that time had made no difference in lessening that.

I suggested that she stayed with me, in good Chalet fashion the girl Gillian had brought in had found herself an accident on the final day of a weekend excursion. Gillian took me up on the offer and stayed with me. Well I could quite happily tell you, she made my day, and that was also the end of the beginning as far as our relationship went. At some point that evening over a bottle or two of wine I confessed my likeing for her, and the way I idolised her in school. For once the next morning I didn't regret it, when I awoke to find her still in bed with me.

6 years on, we are still very happy together and enjoy each others company and take things day by day. She has truely been a rock through the last few years and has supported me through everything even when things were at their worse, as in an email my good friend Mary quoted at me:

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out but, when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

Well can I also add that as much as this refers to my own battle, it also very much refers to those around you, those who support you and those who comfort you in their time of need, even if it is you they might support. Oh, Betty I wish that you could have met us as a couple or even better have stayed with us and seen her and I together you'd have seen such a different side of Gill, I know you were never keen on any of the teachers at school. But you know when you get them out of school and in a social setting, some of them have such a wicked sense of humour.

Gill and I had been living with each other for just over three years when I started having health problems, which was at that time, so unusual for me. I had always been a robust sort of person, and never really suffered any great health issues other than those epidemics that raced round school like wildfire, or the odd dose of the sniffles! Anyway then I all of a sudden had chest infection after chest infection and then developed pneumonia, not so amusing...seriously. Anyway, as a health professional, I knew more was wrong than just simply having caught a bad cold, and it getting progressively worse. Gill practically marched me to the doctors that time, the comment of she was "fed up of me being ill" was floating in the air as she did so. It didn't matter what ever it was I'd get over it, I never did take things lying down...

One must not forget that recovery is brought about not by the physician, but by the sick man himself. He heals himself, by his own power, exactly as he walks by means of his own power, or eats, or thinks, breathes or sleeps. Georg Groddeck

Author:  MaryR [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 27/11

Nice to know my quotes don't just enliven New Dreams!! :D And you are so right, Liz, those words sum up the Gillian we know in the books so beautifully. As does the fact that she has been a rock for Lizzie. She would make a very steadfast rock, I've always thought.

But how sad for them both.... although hopefully they will keep on making those memories right to the end, if such proves to be the case.

Thanks you, Liz. :D Oh, and Claire and Paul too. :roll:

Author:  janetbrown23 [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 4:46 pm ]
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This is going to be so hard to read but I am so glad you managed to write it Liz and that your team helped you in so many ways. Thank you all.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 5:37 pm ]
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Thank you so much for writing this and sharing it with us. It's very, very good. Thanks to all of Team Liz!

Author:  shesings [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:35 pm ]
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Thanks Team Liz, this is so sad and beautiful.

Author:  PaulineS [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 7:40 pm ]
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Thank you team. Liz thank you for sharing this with us.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 8:40 pm ]
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Thankyou Team Liz! That was who I, too, was thinking of when I asked, so I'm pleased to know that I was right. They make such a lovely couple.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:16 pm ]
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Thanks Liz, it's so moving and thanks Claire and Paul for being the hands to type this

Author:  Cath V-P [ Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:38 pm ]
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Thank you Liz and team, this is very moving.

Author:  marni [ Sun Nov 28, 2010 4:05 pm ]
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Thank you Liz, (and Claire and Paul) this is turning into a amazing drabble.

Author:  Abi [ Sun Nov 28, 2010 8:10 pm ]
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Thank you Liz; that was truly beautiful. And thanks to Claire and Paul for typing it so that we can enjoy it too.

Author:  charli [ Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:22 pm ]
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Thank you Liz, this is beautifully written.

Author:  roversgirl [ Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:54 am ]
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This is lovely. Thank you :-)

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:20 pm ]
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Glad you're all still enjoying it. Not Claire for a change, but Paul doing the writing and posting!!

Liz asks; would anyone like to take away our snow (and ice!) here - as she's fed up being cold!!!! I agree, but only so I can get to work without taking my life into my own hands...Liz says I shouldn't bother getting in the car really... she's probably right for once!

Anyway, on with the story, and we all appologise from here on in if things get tough to read.

All the best and if you like snow, have fun on us!!!
Paul


It's not until you're told that things are very wrong that you ever realise how much life and the people in your life mean to you. 'In these words I can sum up everything I've learnt about life: it goes on.' (Robert Frost) However, it is such a true comment, life does only go on, and every day gets harder in some ways yet easier to bear in others.

When Gill marched me to the doctors, she never expected me to come back and tll her to sit down, never expected it. The first thing you see in another when you tell them that is panic, and Betty I really, really hope that you never have to go through the same. It broke my heart to tell Gill that the doctor was referring me on to hospital for scans and further tests as he was worried by the sounds or lack of sounds issuing from various areas of my chest. At this point, neither of us would know what path it would take us down.

Thankfully there really wasn't much time to wait as I'd been referred through to the local hospital for four days later, and we were both so worried. As a nurse though there are just so many thoughts that run through your head, and you have to switch off as much as physically possible otherwise you would just go mad! Therefore, as Gill later told me I was a total loon. Over cheerful, over excitable, and causing myself to cough and splutter far more than necessary because of it!

Well that day soon arrived, and it's awful being ushered through areas, different types of scanning and seeing all those different faces. The worst thing is that you don't know what they're thinking, other than, 'she's a nurse' and 'how are we going to break any bad news to her'. It's the one and only time I have truely felt like that proverbial deer in headlights. Anyway, I had a call from the doctors the next day asking me to come in as soon as possible and tell the front desk that I had been requested in.

My heart sank, I knew something worse must have been discovered.

Well off we went to the doctors surgery, both with stomach churning and hearts in our throats I think, I don't know who looked worse her or me. Well we were asked to sit once I'd reported myself in, and told that we'd be seen as soon as the doctor had finished seeing her current patient. Now I just had to wait to hear what needed said...

Author:  roversgirl [ Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:44 pm ]
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What a sad and very true update. Thanks very much.

Author:  PaulineS [ Thu Dec 02, 2010 8:15 pm ]
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Rovergirl
Quote:
What a sad and very true update. Thanks very much.

I totally agree.

Author:  MaryR [ Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:06 pm ]
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Oh, I can imagine Gill's shock, having been there myself. :cry: Not a day I ever want to go through again.

This is heart-breaking, Liz. How could you bear to write it? And yet... who else could?

Thank you for the update, all four of you. Hang in there.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Fri Dec 03, 2010 7:30 pm ]
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Thankyou to everyone bringing this to us. It is getting more difficult to read, especially as it's so very true.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:15 pm ]
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MaryR wrote:

Quote:
This is heart-breaking, Liz. How could you bear to write it? And yet... who else could?


I agree wholeheartedly. Liz, we know this is written from your heart and from your own experiences, something which makes Elizabeth's story so much more immediate, poignant and true to life. It's lovely to see Gillian cast in the caring role, and so very true to the way EBD portrays her - but how heartbreaking for her, too.

Thank you for your courage in writing this story and to Claire and Paul for typing and posting it.

Author:  Squirrel [ Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:35 pm ]
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How did I manage to miss so many posts? :shock:

I'm amazed at how quickly the story is flowing, even if it is in letter form. And ouch... How hard for both Elizabeth and Gillian. A hard period of waiting quickly brushed over, and now the moment of truth is upon them.

I certainly agree with both Mary and 'Elder' that only one who has lived it could write so poignantly about it...

Thank you all.

Author:  marni [ Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:20 pm ]
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Thank you so much for the update - It's amazing,

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:10 pm ]
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Ok the next instalment and this time it’s Claire writing…we do seem to be doing a little bit of swapping around. I’m so sorry for the delay, but we’ve all had a rough weekend. Namely not that much sleep as Liz has had a particularly rough weekend. Therefore so have we all.

Anyway on with the story

Claire


Well off we went to the doctor’s surgery, both with stomach churning and hearts in our throats I think, I don't know who looked worse her or me. Well we were asked to sit once I'd reported myself in, and told that we'd be seen as soon as the doctor had finished seeing her current patient. Now I just had to wait…


The worst thing about waiting for results like this is the fact that all your body and you head wants you to do is to run. Your head tells you ‘What you don’t know can’t hurt you,’ whilst your body screams ‘Whatever’s wrong, get rid of it, finish it now.’

It was all I could do to sit there and wait, Gill tells me I was a caged tiger for the five minutes that lasted an eternity to me. I have never been so glad to have someone I love and trust sitting with me, if it hadn’t been for Gill I think I’d have left the doctor’s surgery and run a million miles and hid my head in the sand. It was only for the fact that Gill held my hand that kept me tethered to my seat and my thoughts.

Five minutes passed so slowly that I thought it would never end. However, all so suddenly the doctor’s head came round the door and called my name.

I couldn’t move.

It took Gill to get to her feet and literally pull me to my feet. Much later she told me that she had no idea if I was going to faint I had gone so white and my eyes had glazed over. Betty, I was so panicked I could hardly think let alone function. Gill led me into the doctor’s office, almost like a lost lamb.

I don’t remember much of that consultation, I remember the beginning, and the doctor telling us to take a seat, and then turning to face me and that line, I so dreaded to hear, issuing from her mouth;

“Miss Arrnet, I’m so sorry to tell you, but the scan results show definite tumours in your right lung.”

Well after that I remember nothing, except what felt like white noise issuing into my head, followed by alarm bells ringing and ringing and ringing. In fact I don’t think they stopped ringing for a good few days.

It wasn’t until we’d got home, and Gill had tried to get through to me for about two hours, as she later told me, that she took me by the shoulders and shook me. I think it petrified her that I had such a blank look on my face, the shutters were down and all I had left were the voices in my head, going round and round;

“What if it’s cancer, there’s a really high likelihood of it being cancer, I’ve seen cancer patients, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, death.”

It’s probably the only time I have ever truly and utterly wished that I wasn’t a nurse, and that I’d never worked in a hospital. It makes you far too realistic to everything and you are far too conscious of life’s fragile mortality.

Yet I couldn’t voice a single word of this to Gill, in fact I couldn’t voice a single word, I just sat and looked numbly at her, tears rolling silently down both our faces.

That is the thing I remember most about that day.

Those tears.

I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. (Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar)

Author:  Alison H [ Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:42 pm ]
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This must be so hard for you to post, Claire. Thanks for keeping it going.

Author:  JB [ Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:55 pm ]
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Thank you Claire and Lizzie.

Author:  cestina [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:07 am ]
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Thank you so much Claire and Lizzie. This is heart-breaking but inspiring at the same time. Amazing strength on all your parts to bring it to us in this way.

Author:  Abi [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:11 am ]
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Thanks so much for this, Liz - and Claire for posting.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:11 am ]
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Knowing this story comes from the depth of your own experience, Lizzie, only makes reading it the more poignant. Thank you for the strength it must take to tell it and thank you, too, Claire for your strength in posting it - you are both a shining example to us all.

Author:  roversgirl [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:51 am ]
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Thank you very much to all of you. This cannot be easy for any of you to write and post.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:50 am ]
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Thank you :(

Author:  janetbrown23 [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 9:54 am ]
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Thank you all.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:31 am ]
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Thank you, may you be given the strength needed in the coming days.

Author:  MaryR [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:52 pm ]
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Ah, but to survive we need to let go -

Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.
(Shakespeare)


Let Gill in, and allow her to show you how much she loves you....

Not quite sure who I'm talking to there - the narrator or you, Liz! :D But your bravery is outstanding, to show us in detail just how this affected you. Thank you so much, and Claire as well.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:42 pm ]
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I have tears in my eyes after that post, this is so truly wonderful but so heartbreaking as well. Thankyou all.

Author:  Luisa [ Thu Dec 09, 2010 2:15 pm ]
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Having read from the beginning, I am overwhelmed by this story's beauty and poignancy.
Many thanks to you all.

Author:  Len [ Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:32 pm ]
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I've just found this drabble; I was going to go to bed but right away I knew it was important and that I had to read it. What a testament to your courage, and to your strength of spirit, Liz and Claire. Wonderful, brave, inspiring people. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Author:  charli [ Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:14 am ]
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Thank you ,all of you for this. Liz, I think you are amazing having the strength and courage to write this down.

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 12:59 am ]
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MaryR wrote:
Let Gill in, and allow her to show you how much she loves you....

Not quite sure who I'm talking to there - the narrator or you, Liz! :D But your bravery is outstanding, to show us in detail just how this affected you. Thank you so much, and Claire as well.


Mary, never a truer word said there...

Paul posting tonight after a rather long gap, however, if all goes to plan expect more frequent posts....

This post still hurts Claire too much to deal with, therefore sorry you all had to wait but I've only just come off nights so you had to wait.

Thankyou all so so much for the lovely comments. Liz is still amazed so many of you are persevering with this and respnding so sensitively, although says she is anything but courageous or brave, just has a story that needs told and is driving her mad...I make no comments myself.

Paul


Betty, as I had said, I lost the rest of that week. I had also shut the world out in my own panic and inability to deal with anything or anyone elses responses.

Gill got so frightened, she was going out of her head with worry, especially as I had said no more than a handful of words in four days and on top of that I was walking around looking almost transparent, I was that pale.

Gill, in the end, turned to my oldest friend, Tony. As a nurse, and having trained with me, he stood a better chance than most of getting through to me. Though, as they both told me much later on, neither realised how far he would have to go before he could get through to me.

Even now, I still remember the entire scene but as an observer, watching myself. Almost like a fly on the wall. Surreal doesn't even describe it.

Poor Tony, much later he admitted to me that he hated every moment of it all, but understood that Gill had hit a point where she had to ask someone else to help, much later he talkes it all though with me, as well as writing a lot down for me,

"Lizzie...Lizzie...LIZZIE!"

All you did was stopped staring into the middle distance, you looked so shocked that I was in the room. I've never seen you look so awful. You were never overly bothered by your looks, but I was used to you at least making an effort and looking respectable at least.

"Do you want to tell me? Gill said it's bad, but hasn't told me why. Do you not think that telling someone may help?"

I knew how hurt you had to be when you opened your mouth and no sound came out. At this point I did wonder what had gone so wring that it could reduce you, such a loud happy peraon, to a haunted shell.

Then the tiniest sound from you, Lizzie, "I don't know."

"She talks. Well thats reassuring. Like to tell me what exactly you don't know? You're not normally one for so few words..."

The longest pause occured. You were so still I wondered if you were even still there. Then I looked into you eyes and such pain, terror and sheer panic I had never seen from you. So it was the direct, blunt approaches turn...

"Lizzie, tell me now. It's never going to get any better or any easier until you open your mouth and talk."

Another long pause. Though this time I watched a different set of emotions flit across your face, guilt, uncertainty and still unbearable angish were at the surface. I steeled myself for a belllow the belt blow...

"Do you not care for your friends? Those of us here wanting to help you. Do you really want to shut us all out? Should we leave you, let you fight your losing battle on your own?"

I saw Gill flinch at me, the cool cutting tones, her eyes telling me to be gentle. But that would never have worked would it? You didn't want to face reality. So I held my breath and hoped that the short, sharp, shock I had just given you would work.

All of a sudden you crumpled and cried and cried, myself and Gill held you and let you fall apart. Gill quietly explained it all to me while we sat there and held you. Soon, you had cried yourself out, and I rather suspect into a headache, but at least we could talk. Those walls were gone, at least for the minute, and hopefully Gill and myself could start trying to sort things. Couldn't cure you but could bolster you and get your strength up ready to start that next step, whatever the treatment might be.


Oh Betty, I hurt them both alright. I'm sure I really hurt Tony, though, he would never admit that now. I know just how much I would have hated to make such a low blow. You see, with my parents not wanting to know me because of Gill my friends were, and very much still are, my family. Tony is an older brother to me. I couldn't have bared to lose any of them, especially him and Gill. A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. (Donna Roberts) Well that was exactly what my friends and Gill did for me from that moment, sing me back together whenever I was most fragile and falling apart, I never totally fell apart after that, and having those dear presences around made life a lot easier. That and re-finding, renewing and re-affirming my faith, much with Tony's help.

To completely trust in God is to be like a child who knows deeply that even if he does not call for the mother, the mother is totally aware of his condition and is looking after him. (al-Ghazzali)

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thanks for the update, Paul. This must be so hard for all of you.

Author:  Len [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thanks, Paul. Lizzie needn't be amazed that we're all still following her writing - I can't imagine anyone who started reading this wanting to give it up. In a strange way I feel honoured to be allowed to share this journey with Lizzie and you all. Very poignant.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thank you Paul, I can see why Claire finds that time hard to remember. I am pleased Lizzie is still interested in our responses. I continue to remember the four of you. May your faith be a continued source of support and blessing to you.

Author:  Chris S [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

The writing is so tender that we can feel some of your heartache, but we can only hope that you all stay strong for each other.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

I can fully understand why Claire finds it so hard to recall that time. I can only admire you, Liz for recounting it so frankly and you, Paul for typing it up for the rest of us to read. I continue to keep all four of you in my thoughts and prayers - may you all continue to be strong for each other.

Author:  Mattea1 [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

So brave and courageous, Lizzie. Thank you for sharing this with us. Admiration for you, Claire, this must be difficult to read; and thanks to Paul for posting. You are all in my prayers and thoughts, may you be given strength as your journey continues

Author:  Abi [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thank you Liz, Paul and Claire. This is incredibly powerful; heart-breaking and inspirational at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Author:  MaryR [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Paul, in a way you had the hardest part, having to be so cruel. But sometimes cruelty is the only way in, as you found. I am astounded at such friendship and what courage it can bring.

I'm not surprised Claire (Gill) found this too hard to watch, but I'm sure in the end she appreciated why it was necessary.

God bless you all as you come to terms with this. I salute your courage and envy you the security of your vast friendship and forever love.

Author:  roversgirl [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thanks for being brave enoguh to write this!

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

It is a true honour to be able to read this, and appreciating how hard it is for all of you I can only thank you for your bravery and compassion that makes you share this. It's so very sobering, and so special to read as well. Thankyou.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

This is so moving and so compelling. Thank you Liz, and to Paul and Claire as well.

Author:  Celia [ Thu Dec 16, 2010 9:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thank you Liz, Claire and Paul for continuing this amazing story of friendship and love.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Mon Dec 20, 2010 9:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Thank You Paul :cry:

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 15/12

Sorry we;ve neglected this for a rather long length of time. But this is being posted as a rather hurried post. it's not even been editted or corrected, so appologies. Liz is stll around, however Claire and I have been taking it in turns to sit with her, night and day, so unless I get the chance to throw another lot on at some point in the next few days don't expect much from this at the minute.

It will be completed though, we all promise this, it just might take some time. Really depending on Liz and how things go over the next few days and how much longer she keeps going.

Paul


After that point life was a constant round of doctor's appointments, hospital appointments and medication, pain killers and sleep. Betty, you'd have hardly known me! I've never slept so much ever in my life, and apparently I've never been so quiet, Gill was rather mystified at my silence, though I think she understood in the end that it was extreme exhustion.

The lowest point I reached during the treatment had to be when I lost my hair. I never really thought of losing it, not that it was particularly long anyway. When I'd started nursing I'd had it cut into a bob, and never let it grow out any longer, but to lose it... It's just something you take so for granted, being able to style you hair, even if that's only to put some clips in. Anyway, I tried a wig for all of 5 minutes (serious!). Then I decided that I was going to just stick to being bald or wearing head scarves, well the weather was getting decidely colder by this time, so hats and scarves it was. many and varied were my styles!

Although one of the highlights I had through this time came from my Choir and they gave me the biggest laugh in a long time. I'd been told that we were starting late by one of the men, John, and that one of the choir, a deaf guy Paul would pick me up instead of him. I was slightly mystified, but then they were a slightly mad group (this is the local gay choir...definately 'special') so I just went with the instructions. Paul was suspiciously trying not to break out into laughter all the way to choir. Did I trust them...oh about as far as I could throw them...therefore not very far...

Anyway, I got into choir, and there was the whole group, sitting there in Afro wigs...I mean it, 70 odd people, guys and girls, sitting in wigs, and me there bald... Oh did I laugh. I have a photo somewhere. Pure amusement. And when I got down about my hair after that, just looking at the photo or thinking about it was a garuntee to make me laugh. So something good came out of the Chemo, all be it not what you'd have expected!!!!

Well the treatment started at the end of August. The only way I can describe having chemotherapy is like ice trickling into your veins. I was so ill after every single round. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed to be violently sick. That would last three or maybe four days. And I was having chemo every 3-4weeks, so I lost a week at a time to being laid out flat. It was not a good time overall, but like above there were always little rays of sunshine whether from my friends or from work, or my brothers. The only black cloud on the horizon at this point was still mum and dad who just couldn't accept me for being me. Well it would change in time, but who knew when or how.

In the October I had surgery to remove part of my lung, no more tumours, and all scans, tests and the like in December backed that up. Therefore Christmas and New Year were a time of much laughter and merriment. Gill and I spent the festive period with Tony and his partner Ed. It was such a special time, and we all enjoyed each others company and Gill and Ed looked on in amazement as Tony and I spared sarcastically with each other, I think they never realised how much we totally trusted each other until they saw us both over a prolonged period of time...Gill later said to me 'I never knew you both had that sense of humor, or that level of sarcasm!'

Author:  roversgirl [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thanks for the update at this difficult time.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thankyou for taking the time to update this and us. Every update is so sensitive and yet so humourous too, it's truly an amazing piece of writing. I hope that things improve with you all soon.

Author:  MaryR [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Paul, you are amazing to post this but, please, just be with Liz right now and love her. There are no words to express my awe at the courage of the four of you. May the everlasting arms be there for you all.....

Author:  PaulineS [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 9:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thank you for the post and for all the support you are giving each other, which comes through your posts and the information given at the start of the posts.
May you find blessings in the coming days.

Author:  Abi [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 9:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thank you so much for continuing to update this when things are so hard. It's very special.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 9:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Each element of this story is so sensitively told, straight from the heart. I loved the incident of the choir and their headgear - both touching and humourous at the same time.

Paul, thank you so much for taking the time to update this at such a difficult time; I really appreciate your doing so.

Author:  Thursday Next [ Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thank you.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

I'm glad they had their fun times. I love the afro's from the choir, thank you

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thank you so much for the update. Sending much love to all of Team Liz. Take your time and know you are thought of often xx

Author:  shesings [ Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thank you and ((((((Team Lizzie))))))

Author:  robinette [ Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

MaryR wrote:
Paul, you are amazing to post this but, please, just be with Liz right now and love her.


I agree with Mary you are all so kind and brilliant for posting but at this time just be with Liz.

my thoughts and prayers are with you all

((((Liz, Claire and Paul)

Author:  Myth Tree [ Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:21 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Thanks for your generosity. My thoughts are with you all.

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 1/1/11

Hello All,

Well it's back, and finally up and running. I hope that no-one minds me posting this, but Liz would have wanted it completed.

There isn't a lot left to post, but after this it comes in big chunks, so enjoy and well will post later in the week.

Many thanks for your continued reading

Paul


Christmas and New Year, were such a happy time, and a much needed boost after an awful few months, now it was time to re-group, gain strength and get life back on track. Well I most certainly did, I was back and working by March, not full time, but enough to stop me going insane! Yes, I was never one to be still for long was I? In May, I went back to work full-time, healthy, and strong.

Then I decided it was long time to put my life on track fully. So, I proposed to Gill, finally, after almost three years, and I was over the moon when she said yes. In fact, I couldn't believe it when she did, life was finally beginning to go in the right direction, and sort itself out. Oh, and I'd got the girl! We had decided that we'd set a date for the following May, one year from this point, Well we still had a lot to achieve in that year, not to comment on the current moving house, and me sorting out the family situation, or well at least trying to.

Well life carried on, and the monthly check-ups at the hospital just gradually became part of the routine. And we got to the following Christmas, Tony and Ed lived round the corner from us by then, that was another Christmas of much laughter and much amusement and possibly a few nerves starting to appear. With less than 5 months to the 'Civil partnership of the year' according to Tony. And yes I still had no outfit, or even an idea of what I wanted, though Gill was teasing me relentlessly for the fact that she had found her outfit, had it fitted and was waiting on its delivery. Well there were a few comments and curses thrown her way over that!

Then it was the New Year, and fourth months to the partnership, with Gill and Tony nagging me over this and that, and 'Have you got an outfit yet?', the simple reply being almost every time 'No, leave me be!' Well I decided that I really ought to start getting things sorted, and begun looking for outfits, oh, and asked Tony to be my Best Man!

Gill and I had agreed on a small 'do' between us, well all without the number from the choir (who were going to sing...Gill did decide arguing wasn't worth it over this one). So the overall number was somewhere just over 100, with some time to go, to add, change and subtract people!!! Which trust me certainly changed often enough. We had given both our families invites, and all of Gills had very enthusiastically said yes. Mine, well not quite the same story, my brothers had decided that they were coming, but my parents were still not talking to me and refusing to even hear about it. Again, a black cloud on the horizon, but there was still time for that to change.

I have no idea why time goes so fast. But at this point in time I only seemed to count down the months til our partnership and all that had to be done and sorted. So it was then the beginning of Feburary (three months to go!) and things were progressing, but Betty, I still had no outfit. Indecisive was definatly a good word to explain me at this point. I had decided that I wanted to wear red...well it was a start I guess!!!

And the it was the beginning of March, two months to go. Everything wasn't quite right though, that was certinaly something I couldn't deny myself. I'd felt not quite right for a couple of weeks by this point. Thankfully at the beginning of every month I had a check-up. So I hadn't had too long to wait to talk to a doctor about it. I hadn't said anything to Gill or Tony, but I knew something wasn't right. Anyway, check-up had, and referal for more scans had been given for mid-March...so yet more waiting to be had. But, it would be fine, wouldn't it?

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. Anon

Author:  Squirrel [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Paul, I think I can say that we are all glad you have started posting this again. I can't imagine it will be easy, but you are right, Liz would want you to finish posting it for her. Especially considering the amount of work already put in on it. Post as and when you can, and groups of us will be here to read and comment!

And what a hope-filled update it was today as well. Life moving on and so much possibility in the air... Just that shadow of a possible concern hanging at the edge of it.

I love the excitement of the fun to come, and the fact that Christmas and New Year was a good time.

Thank you!

Author:  roversgirl [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Tht was a lovely, happy update - thank you :-)

Author:  cestina [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 9:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thank you for this Paul. I'm so glad you feel able to post it as Liz would have wanted, hard though it must be for you all.

Author:  keren [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

I very much appreciate that you are able to post this

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thank you so much for posting this, Paul; I know it must be hard for you, but you will also derive comfort from knowing that you are carrying out Liz's wishes in doing so.

Author:  PaulineS [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 4:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thank you Paul for posting this for Liz and Claire. It is good to know about the good times as well as the shadows. Thank you.

Author:  Celia [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thank you Paul for continuing the story, hard though it must be,we
do appreciate it.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

The calm before the storm, 'a light to enlighten the darkness.'

Paul, this is heart-breaking, but how good for Claire to know the happy times were there and did happen and will be part of her forever, as they will be part of Liz.

Thank you.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

I am wibbling just a little over the end!

Thankyou for carrying this on. It's so heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time.

Author:  Mattea1 [ Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thanks for continuing to post this, as Liz would wish.

Being reminded of the good times is so important and what a wonderful quote as we often forget the happiness when confronted with the sorrow.

Author:  Abi [ Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thank you so much for carrying on with this. It's truly inspirational.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Thank you for continuing this on. I can't imagine what it must be like for you all at the moment

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Tue May 03, 2011 12:01 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/2

Sorry for this being so long in an update, and certainly completion. Claire and I have both had a rough ride, Claire went back to work about two weeks ago and i went back at the end of March. Both of us were signed off with sickness and stress, both of us needed that time to grieve and move on. If we've ignored you, we both are very sorry, but we'll get to you, I know there is a long list of people we owe an update to, and they will get one.

Anyway, Liz would have most certainly wanted this finished and i think as her birthday's coming up it's time to do so. She agrees, no doubt about that...sure she's the one prompting it!

Paul x


And the it was the beginning of March, two months to go. Everything wasn't quite right though, that was certinaly something I couldn't deny myself. I'd felt not quite right for a couple of weeks by this point. Thankfully at the beginning of every month I had a check-up. So I hadn't had too long to wait to talk to a doctor about it. I hadn't said anything to Gill or Tony, but I knew something wasn't right. Anyway, check-up had, and referal for more scans had been given for mid-March...so yet more waiting to be had. But, it would be fine, wouldn't it?


Well I just didn't have the time to worry, in fact, by mid march we'd possibly started panicing about the civil partnership which was only 8 weeks away (and with me having no outfit...still), and to top it all off, I was increasingly breathless and also struggling to focus, with headaces from hell that were far too frequent for my liking. Anyway the show must go on. is that not the phrase?

And so it did go on. There was a small conspiracy going on with my partner-in-crime, Tony, over an outfit. There were ideas but no outfit. Though, if the idea was to happen then there would be many shocked faces...none the least Gill's. At the same time, Gill was trying to sort all those other bits, colour schemes, reception venue, food and drink. Not that I wasn't helping, but I didn't really have the energy or the breath to do so. I was still waiting on the test results from the previous MRI and CT scans I'd had. I was no longer quite sure that no news was good news, it was just ominous.



It was only a week later, that I got a phone call.


I didn't believe it. In fact I hung up on the caller.


However, only 5 minutes later that same caller was back.


I could only hear one word.


The only word that I so didn't want to hear, not now, not ever.


Cancer.





I don't know what to say, even now, with time to reflect and time to ponder it. it was a whole day of my life that disappeared. It's a gap of time.




It happened.





I remember being asked on the phone, and someone, me, but yet not, being asked if there was anyone else they could talk to. I gave the Gill's number, and full permission to tell her whatever necessary. Well she was about to become my wife so...she might as well know it all.


The next thing I knew, there was someone at the door, not just at the door coming into the house. I assume Gill rang Tony and briefly explained things, because it was him.


There were no words, he just stood there in front of me, hugged me, and picked me up, like I was a 5 year old, took me upstairs and curled up with me on the bed. All this done without a word, without me reacting I suspect, although as he later told me, once he'd hugged me I wouldn't let go, hence landing up on the bed. As he said there was no point sitting on the sofa, wouldn't have been comfortable for either of us.


All I remembered was desparately wanting someone to hold me, to care, to be cared for. Tony certainly did at that moment, it was me telling him not to cry, not to be upset. Him telling me to stop putting walls up.


But I wasn't.


I just couldn't feel.


What do you do when you can't feel anything, you just keep going.



Well until it becomes real.



If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell. Lance Armstrong

Author:  PaulineS [ Tue May 03, 2011 8:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you Paul and Claire. I hope your sick leave has given you the time you needed and you are both starting to recover from your exhaustion.

Take your time in recovering and let us know how you are getting on when you can.

Author:  Chris [ Tue May 03, 2011 12:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you both for posting this. I wondered how you both were.
Bless you.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Tue May 03, 2011 1:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thanks for this update, Paul and Claire - I can well imagine that Liz is providing the prompting for it, but it still falls to you to post it, and we appreciate your doing so.

I do hope that the additional time off work, which I'm quite sure you both needed, has provided you with a time to start recovering from your exhaustion and grief. Am glad to know you are both back at work now.

Thank you so much for being in touch - please let us know how you are doing as and when you can do so.

Author:  janetbrown23 [ Tue May 03, 2011 2:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you Paul and Claire.

Author:  Minim [ Tue May 03, 2011 4:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thanks Paul and Claire.

Author:  Abi [ Tue May 03, 2011 5:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you both for posting this; it's incredibly powerful. I hope you're both starting to recover now.

Author:  Celia [ Tue May 03, 2011 5:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle with your grief and exhaustion.
Thank you for responding to Liz's prompting and posting more of the story for us.
((( Claire and Paul )))

Author:  shesings [ Tue May 03, 2011 6:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thoughts and prayers for you both.

Author:  MaryR [ Tue May 03, 2011 6:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Quote:
There were no words, he just stood there in front of me, hugged me, and picked me up,

There are indeed no words for this tragedy, Paul, but I would so like to treat you and Claire in the way you treated and gentled Liz there.

Thank you for being strong enough to finish posting it for her.

My thoughts and prayers go with you both, and are also with Liz, wherever she is.....

No matter how deep our darkness, He is deeper still. (Corrie ten Boom)

Author:  lizziearrnet [ Tue May 03, 2011 10:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Next one, thank you for all your lovely comments from us both, Claire still can't quite face coming on here, but I have been relaying everything to her.

And Mary
MaryR wrote:
My thoughts and prayers go with you both, and are also with Liz, wherever she is.....


I know exactly where she is and what she's doiong...why did you go give her ideas....definately being Nell like at the moment...round corners and all!

Paul x


It didn't take that long to become real. Tony never went home that night, I woke the next morning to find myself being watched by two sent of eyes, one on each side, one still holding me, or should that be me holding him, the other sitting arm laid over my sholders the other propping her head up to look over me. i felt like I might just have interuppted a conversation. I obviousally had by the good morning welcome i got from them both.

"Goodmorning sleepy head, going to talk or cry or well just communicate today?" Well that could only be Tony, sarcasm...red rag to a bull, in my case that is.

"Liz, you had me worried, I hope you've had a good night's sleep, because you're going to need a lot of energy today, I'm afraid we're due at the hospital in just over two hours." Poor Gill, Betty, she looked so worried and absolutly shattered.

In fact both Gill and Tony looked so tired I wondered how,l if, they'd slept. If I had my bet they'd both only managed a few hours. Tony confirmed this when he told me that I'd had lucid nightmares and had slept-talked most of the night, and had tried to sleep-walk a few times. I have no doubt that it wasn't the easiest of nights sleep, for either of them. Although thank goodness for a King sized bed, otherwise three in the bed would not be a comfortable option!

Over breakfast, Gill and Tony filled me in on the previous day, to a degree. Tried to soften the blow that the hospital appointment with the oncologist dealt me two hours later.

I thought I had an idea of what was coming when i walked into the appointment, again with the same oncologist, who looked so sorrowful to see me back. You know, Betty, when a doctor says to you, "I'm so sorry to see you back here, and having to start fighting again, it's going to be hard." You just know it's going to be bad, and a struggle, and you just have to get on with it. But sometimes, just geting on with it is the hardest statement to make, ever.

Anyway, I was told the worst, the tumours were back, this time in the other lung, not just that though, also there were definite secondary tumours, in my liver, lymph glands and finally in my brain. I was told there were three options, none was a cure, but different ways that would prolong my life, at least a little. Basically,

choice 1: I could have chemo and radio, which would give me around a 12-15 months
choice 2: some chemo and radio, and some surgery, would give me 9-12 months
choice 3: minimal intervention, just keep confortable, no guess at how long, but months was a definate outlook

The recommedation was choice 2, it was the option that would keep me most comfortable, whilst giving me the best quality of life, the idea was to take out the tumours in my lung, some in my liver and what lymph nodes they could get to at the same time. They would then give localised radiotherapy to the brain to try and ease where the headaches were and make the tumour there smaller. The it was that good fun game of chemo again...

Weli I have to say I agreed with the oncologist, it did seem like the best bet. But also the most dealable with of the lot. However, there was still that horrible word lingering over me, terminal. No way out, short of a miracle that is.

And there was then the small thought of telling Gill and Tony, both who were waiting for me outside, knowing some of what was being said to me, but neither had been told the full extent, neither realised that the phrase 'terminal cancer' had been used. Well I was just going to have to tell them then, and there was no nice way of doing so, it was blunt or blunter...

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed May 04, 2011 1:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you both for updating this again so quickly. Even if Claire doesn't feel she can come on here herself, Paul, I'm sure she is encouraging you every step of the way. I also feel quite certain that Liz herself is, as you suggest, emulating Nell in New Dreams for both of you.

I really appreciate the stark honesty with which you are telling this part of the story and I admire both your courage and your willingness to fulfil your promise to Liz to complete it. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you both.

Author:  roversgirl [ Wed May 04, 2011 4:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

This must be so difficult. Thank you.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed May 04, 2011 2:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thanks to you both and I continue to pray for now and that Al is still supporting you both.

Author:  MaryR [ Wed May 04, 2011 2:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

lizziearrnet wrote:
Next one, thank you for all your lovely comments from us both, Claire still can't quite face coming on here, but I have been relaying everything to her.

And Mary
MaryR wrote:
My thoughts and prayers go with you both, and are also with Liz, wherever she is.....

I know exactly where she is and what she's doiong...why did you go give her ideas....definately being Nell like at the moment...round corners and all!Paul x


So I do I, Paul, as you know. :D In that garden playing with her little one.... and filled with joy the whole day long. I do so hope you and Claire will one day reach the stage of feeling that joy for yourselves, even while you still mourn her.

But please do forgive me for putting such Nell-ish ideas into her head. :roll: She did say she was going to imitate her, but I suspect that, like it is for Hilda, it takes your breath away and leaves you close to tears. Better that, though, than the silence which deafens.

Thank you for going on with this, and know that you are all still so much in my thoughts and prayers.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed May 04, 2011 7:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

I was thinking about you both only the other day, and wondering how you were getting on. For some reason, despite having never really known her at all, going to church every week always makes me think of Liz, and hope that she is happy where she is and also still with you. This is such a powerful and moving story, the happiness and sadness of life mingled so well with the awful finality of that news.

Thankyou so, so much for continuing to post this.

Author:  Abi [ Wed May 04, 2011 7:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you again for continuing to post this. As others have said, it's incredibly powerful and meaningful. Thinking of you both.

Author:  marni [ Thu May 05, 2011 9:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

I'd like to add to the thanks for posting this - Thinking of you all.

Author:  charli [ Sun May 08, 2011 1:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thanks from me too. I am thinking of both you and Claire.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Tue May 10, 2011 11:21 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Last 3/5

Thank you so much for continuing to post this

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