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#1: One Night (complete) Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:30 pm
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This is an idea that came to me a while ago. it is complete.

In the night, every sound carries. Every door that opens or closes, every footstep, every murmured conversation – they all hold a significance that she has never before noticed. She holds herself very still in the bed, concentrating on each careful breath that she takes, aware of every muscle, every nerve, of every separate ache or jagged bolt of pain as it comes and goes, measuring each silent moment as it drags by, followed by the next and the next. Shadows lie long and black on the floor, a night bird landing in the branches outside the open window jolts her tense awareness almost to screaming point, and the only movement apparent to an onlooker – should there be one, but there is not - is the ceaseless slipping of the Rosary beads through her fingers. Her eyes glitter grey as she stares at the door that does not open, listens for the steps that do not pause, the voice that does not speak. The minutes stretch out longer, longer. . . oh God, the dawn comes so slowly.

Hail Mary, full of grace…. I never told you enough times did I? That I love you, beyond anything I have words for. Words came to you so easily; you spoke, and what we have was tangible and shaped for us. Never possible for me before – except with you. Somehow, with you, the words came, the best I could manage and more than I had hoped for or expected. But I should have tried harder – said more. Do you go to your death not knowing? With me not able to tell you? Why now? Why here? I can’t bear this, to lie here just waiting for news, not able to do anything - but what choice do I have?

The Lord is with Thee …. I should be with you now, and I’m not, I can’t be, I’m trapped here, knowing nothing. I want to be with you - I need to be with you, now and for always, and I can’t, I can’t . . . Would you come back to me? Could you? We said we would, remember? Could I carry on without you, my love? I am nothing without you, but I would have to, and I can’t … So much love, so much happiness; did you know what you were in my life? We belonged together didn’t we? What will I do without you? How can I be without you?

Blessed art thou amongst women…Yes, yes, you are - we were, but I never told you enough, and now I don’t have the right to be with you, I don’t have the right to be told anything. I should be with you, and I can’t be. I’d never quite realised that that was how it was, but now, oh now….
“I’m very sorry, Nell; we’ve done what we can, but she’s too badly injured ….” That was Jem; it would be. I didn’t really pay attention to him; I don’t need a list of how you are hurt, to be told over and over that they’re waiting for you to die. I know that. All I need is you, alive. I cannot see beyond this night, this hour, this minute. I had forgotten how time slows, falls in waxen lumps … Hilda, Hilda, Hilda.
All I can see is your face, turned towards me as the bus crashed down that hill, and you screamed out “Nell!” desperate for me to save you and I couldn’t! I was too far away from you to do anything but clasp your hand, to try to hold you. And I couldn’t, I couldn’t, I failed you, your fingers slipped through mine. I can feel that now . . . I should have been able to keep you safe. I couldn’t do anything, I let you down. And then taht thud as you smashed into the ground. And the noise and the confusion and the blur of time…. No pain, not then, although there must have been. I lay there, caught under that seat and watched the light fade from your eyes and your blood spreading about you so relentlessly….
I asked Jem, and at first he didn’t want to tell me, damn him; he tried to fob me off with platitudes and half-truths. I can’t really tell you anything. Not until the next of kin know. Sorry, Nell. And I caught him by the shoulder - where did the strength come from? - and asked him by what right did he make that lying decision? And where were your precious brothers anyway? And I swore to him that I would kill him if he didn’t tell me the truth…and I hinted other things that I am not proud of, that I can’t bear to contemplate now, but that I meant then. Oh yes. For you, my love, my very dear, my link to life, I would do anything. I swore I would. But there is the one thing I can’t do; I cannot stave off death from you.

“And Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.” Thank God she’s not here, if she’d been hurt as well, or worse . . . And she could, such a little light body, a child and so easily hurt. She’ll know now, poor Claire to have to tell her, to bring her here. But if – I’ll look after her, I promise you Hilda, I will. You can trust her to me. I won’t do such a good job as you would, but I’ll do the best I can, I promise.

“Holy Mary, Mother of God…” You are so much holier than I am, aren’t you? I always marvelled at your faith, that you survived so much, gave so much, loved so much. You came as light into my darkness, remember? Without you, I think I would have stayed in that darkness and bitterness. You told me I was strong – if I am, it was because you inspired me, gave me strength, made me feel I could be what you thought I was. But the real strength was always yours - if ever I was anything, it was because you inspired me, and in loving you, I saw God, and glimpsed holiness….. oh, we were blessed, and I can’t be anything other than thankful for you.

Pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death. I would know if you died wouldn’t I? I would feel it in me, a breaking and crumbling as my life withered with yours. If you die, what do I do? How do I live, drag out my days without you? Hilda, Hilda, Hilda, together we are more than two, but alone, I am less than nothing. I should give you to God, try to accept what He wills as right for you, that’s what I should do, I know I should – oh God, give her back. Please. She’s all I have. And I will have lost her by morning. She will have gone to You. If it must be, then it must and I will try to go on as you would want, but…. Dear God, this night is so long.

The dawn comes so slowly….

#2: Author: Lizzie, Location: A little village on the Essex/Suffolk border

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:36 pm
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SO sad. And SO lovely.

Thank you, Cath.

#3: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 1:05 pm
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Gosh.

*Speechless*

#4: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:29 pm
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This is just mind-bogglingly beautiful, heartfelt, and so very, very sad. But *what* a testament to their relationship.

Thanks, Cath.

#5: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 4:32 pm
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Wow.

Thank you.

#6: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 4:54 pm
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Cath - I don't know what to say to this. You write it so well. Thank you for such a loving insight into how Nell is feeling when Hilda is in so much danger. It must have been very difficult for you to write it.

#7: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:36 pm
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Cath,
this is truly magnificent.
All these thoughts and so very much more must have been tumbling through Nell`s mind that dreadful first night...............

#8: Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:58 pm
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Ohh! Crying or Very sad

Beautiful - and shows such an understanding of the characters. Thank you.

#9: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 8:08 pm
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Poor Nell, to feel she failed her loved one. Crying or Very sad

Cath, this is tender and beautiful and so, so sad - for they clearly did not expect Hilda to see the morning, and Nell knows she somehow has to survive that.

I love the way you have interwoven it with the Rosary, which Nell would have said unceasingly that night.

#10: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 8:35 pm
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You can really feel her fear can't you.

Don't worry Nell, she survives and you have many more years together - in fact you'll never really be apart again!

Thanks Cath.

#11: Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 8:43 pm
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I haven't any words; I am totally silenced by the power of that.

It is so absolutely right, Cath, and so very deeply felt. The agony, the anguish ... unbearable if it were not for the fact that we know Hilda didn't die, and they did get their chance to be together in the full knowledge of their mutual love and dependence.

Thank you.

#12: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:31 pm
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That is just stunningly powerful. There really is no other way to describe it. Thank you is inadequate but it will have to do.

#13: Author: Fiona Mc, Location: Bendigo, Australia

Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 7:20 am
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This is fabulous, Cathy Thanks

#14: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 2:03 pm
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That was absolutely amazing. Thank you.

#15: Author: Ana, Location: Manchester (term-time), Cumbria (hols)

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 5:58 pm
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Incredible.

Thanks.

#16: Author: JoS, Location: South Africa

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:06 pm
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Am overwhelmed after reading this. Cath, you write brilliantly.

#17: Author: Woofter,

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:20 pm
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Wow!

That's brilliant Cath.

#18: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 12:58 am
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That was amazing Cath.
Thank you

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