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Not the Marrying Kind - Chapter 22 / 17th October
http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=834
Author:  Lulu [ Thu Jun 29, 2006 9:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Not the Marrying Kind - Chapter 22 / 17th October
I hope that this is appropriate to post here - if not, then please move it to wherever you feel that it should be.

This story contains discussion of same-sex relationships from the beginning - if you don't like that, then don't read it. :wink:

---

Prologue

Dear Nell, she began to write,

This is the hardest letter I have ever written. You read that all the time, in those romantic novels that are forbidden to the girls, don’t you? But honestly, my dear, I sat here for nearly half an hour before I was even able to write that line.

To be brutally frank, I have no idea why I am even doing this. Writing to you, I mean. I know that the idea of my marriage hurts you, and for that, I will always be sorry.

Nell, please believe me when I say that I never wanted to hurt you. You made me very happy for a time, and I am grateful, whatever I may seem. But that time is over now – it could never have been a long-term arrangement, and I think that my leaving is for the better. This way there will be no temptation for either of us.

It was never love, Nell. Maybe you thought it was; maybe even I thought it was, for a little while. We did what two women should not do, and it is for the better that it won’t be able to continue. You know that the Roman Catholic Church is strict upon these matters, and that, as good Catholic women, it is something we should never have even considered. At the time it seemed right, but now, when I look back, I cannot understand how we let ourselves fall.

Jock sent word last night that he will be coming, to take me away and marry me. You know that the wedding has been put off several times before, but this time it truly will happen. Nell, please be happy for me. That I should be marrying him makes no difference to our friendship.

I love him. That is something that I could never say to your face – not that I would have the chance. You wouldn’t listen, and right now you are on your way to England, and I will not be following. I will be a married woman when you and Hilda and Matey are still part of the school. And I envy you. The School has been such a big part of my life, and leaving it is a wrench. Leaving you is a wrench. You, Nell Wilson, have been my closest friend, and you still are.

The time that we spent together was divine, despite the circumstances. When I am settled, and everything is simpler, I want you to come to me for a holiday. You’ll meet Jock, I’m sure that you will like him.

I am sending this letter with Hilda, whom I trust not to open and read it. I want this to be put behind us, Nell. I know that if anyone found out, it would be impossible. Allow me to ask this one little thing of you, that you tell no one about what we did. Move on. Find a nice man, as I have, and marry him. When you do, you will understand that this was not the real thing.

I wish you well.

Con Stewart

She put down her pen, buried her head in her hands, and began to cry bitterly, not believing that something this hard could ever be right.
Author:  Alison H [ Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:58 pm ]
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That would explain why they never seemed to keep in touch after Con's marriage, when they'd always been so close in Tyrol. Thanks Lulu - looking forward to more of this.
Author:  Chair [ Thu Jun 29, 2006 11:04 pm ]
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Thanks, Lulu. This is really great so far. I look forward to seeing more.
Author:  Kat [ Thu Jun 29, 2006 11:41 pm ]
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Oooooh!

Thanks Lulu! Looking forward to reading more of this *subtle hints* ;) :D
Author:  Fatima [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 4:56 am ]
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Thanks, Lulu; poor Con, what a dreadfully difficult letter to write. And poor Nell when she receives it.
Author:  Mia [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 9:47 am ]
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This does look interesting! Thank you
Author:  Jennie [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 12:48 pm ]
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I hope there'll be more of this soon.
Author:  KathrynW [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 3:22 pm ]
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A really interesting start, thank you Lulu
Author:  Laura V [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 3:52 pm ]
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Poor Con! This is really well written, well done! :D
Author:  Changnoi [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 7:17 pm ]
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Thanks, Lulu. I have had this thought from time to time as well--that there must be some interesting reason why Con Stewart and Nell Wilson, who are almost like sisters in Tyrol, never keep up with each other. This is as good a reason as any. Their lives certainly do take different paths after Con leaves...Bill becomes a sort of grande dame, famed for her sarcastic tongue, an institution at the Chalet School, with few friends but Miss A, and Con settles down to the featureless life of an EBD Married Former Mistress.

Hope to see more of this soon. :)

Chang
Author:  Lulu [ Fri Jun 30, 2006 8:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for all the positive replies. I won't say that I always thought that there had to be an explanation, because for a long time I just accepted that Con disappeared, as did other similar major characters - Mollie Maynard, for example? Even though Jo becomes her sister-in-law, we still rarely hear of her, until Reunion. But when thinking about it, Mollie is at least mentioned, whereas Con isn't, despite the fact that she was Nell's best friend, a very early member of the school, and Con Maynard's godmother & namesake. And this is blatantly the reason EBD intended :wink:

---

Chapter One

“Nell!” Hilda Annersley ran towards her friend with a cry of joy. “Oh, it’s so good to be here at last!”

Nell flung her arms around her friend, smiling. “Hilda! How was the journey? How are you feeling? Has everyone made it? Where are you staying? How…”

Hilda laughed and put a finger to her friend’s lips. “Honestly, Nell! Let me answer, please!” Nell chuckled, and subsided for the moment. “The journey was uneventful, I’m tired but otherwise feeling fine – of course everyone made it, what were you thinking, my girl?”

“Our journey wasn’t as uneventful as yours – one can’t help but worry, you know.” Nell smiled, somewhat abashed.

“Don’t talk of that now.” Hilda wriggled somewhat ungracefully out of her coat, and looked around the hallway. “So, this is Joey’s new home.”

“Yes, and I’m so glad that you’re here,” Nell replied in an undertone. “I feel like I’m the triplets’ unpaid nanny.”

“Why ever?”

“Joey was so ill after we came here, and she spent – oh, weeks, really, in bed.” Nell held out her hand for Hilda’s coat, and led the way to the cloakroom. “Come and wash up, you must need it.”

“Cheek!” Hilda smiled. “Go on with your story.”

“It’s not much of a story, really. But, by the time that Joey had recovered, I was in the habit of looking after the babies – with Frieda, of course. Anna’s so busy running the house, unpacking and organising, that she doesn’t have time for them. This is the cloakroom, by the way. And now Frieda’s working in the village, and Joey’s writing a new book…” She trailed off. “I must sound so ungrateful. And I’m sorry, how horrible for you – you’ve had a long journey, you don’t want to listen to my complaints.”

“I don’t mind.” Hilda busied herself for a moment with washing her hands and face, and brushing her hair. “It sounds like you needed to get that off your chest.”

“I did. Oh, it is good to have you back, Hilda.” Taking even herself by surprise, for she was not a demonstrative person by nature, Nell hugged her friend. Hilda freed herself after a few moments.

“Do you want me to have to brush my hair again?” she demanded, smiling. “Now,” she continued, “Is Jo in?”

“She’ll be in her study – I’m surprised that she didn’t hear you come in.”

“I’m not,” Hilda replied. “If she’s writing, nothing that she does will ever surprise me. Do you remember the term she wrote her first book? Nothing could get through to her for weeks.”

“Yes, until Gwynneth stepped in.” Nell paused. “Do you think we could ask her to do that again?”

“Is she really that bad, Nell?”

“The babies see more of me than they do of her. It’s not right, not at that age. What’s she going to do when the school re-opens?” Nell asked.

“That probably won’t be for quite a few weeks yet – we’ve not even seen the new building.”

“Joey has – and so has Madame, probably. We know that it’s where we’re going to be, I don’t see what we can do to delay re-opening by very long. Unless you want more of a holiday,” she added, teasing.

“I’ve had enough of holidays during the past few years, thank you very much,” Hilda replied. “I’m aching to start again, if you must know.”

“Oh, so am I.” Nell clasped her hands together briefly, a silent prayer. “And not just to get away from here.”

“Oh, Nell…”

Nell grinned suddenly. “Do you know what she said to me yesterday?”

“You know I don’t. Don’t tease, I’m too tired for that.”

“You poor thing.” Nell’s eyes filled with sympathy. “This will cheer you up, I’m sure of it. She told me that it would be good practice for when I married and had children of my own. How’d you like that?”

Hilda stared at her in amazement for a few moments, before beginning to laugh. “Oh, goodness!”

“I thought it would cheer you up,” Nell replied, cheerfully. “What a thing to say… and to me!”

“You’re not going to say anything about your age now, are you?” Hilda’s eyes twinkled mischievously. “Remember, I’m older.”

“So you are, and I wouldn’t dream of it,” Nell said, smoothly, but all the same looking down at her hands very quickly.

“It’s not age anyway, is it?” Hilda asked.

“What do you mean?” Her friend looked up quickly.

“You’re just… not the marrying kind.”

Nell shot a glance at Hilda, but her expression was innocent. She regarded her for a few moments longer. “No,” she replied eventually. “I suppose that I’m not.”
Author:  Fatima [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 5:01 am ]
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That was lovely, thanks, Lulu.
Author:  KathrynW [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 10:10 am ]
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Thanks Lulu, it was nice to see Hilda's understanding of Nell there.
Author:  Chair [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 11:48 am ]
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Thanks, Lulu. It's lovely to see the friendship between them.
Author:  Alison H [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 11:49 am ]
Post subject: 
Hilda was lovely there - thanks Lulu. *Pokes Joey.*
Author:  Jennie [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 1:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hands out the poking sticks so everyone can have a go at Jo.
Author:  Lulu [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 9:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
Chapter Two

It was after a short meal and a long chat that Joey suggested going to see the school. “I’ll phone Madge, shall I, and see if she wants to come too? She’s seen it before, of course, as have I, but she won’t mind seeing it again – and she’ll want to see you too, Hilda.”

“I’m aching to see it – and to start again,” Hilda replied readily. “We were barely in Guernsey for any time, and it was months between Guernsey and Tyrol. I’m just glad to be somewhere where we should be safe for the time being.”

“Until we can go back to Austria, I hope,” Joey put in.

Nell looked doubtful. “That will be some years away, Jo. By all accounts, Hitler shows very little sign of even being satisfied with what he has now, much less being prepared to give any back – and I, for one, wouldn’t go back to Austria while he was in control. It’s quite possible that we’ll never make it back to the Tyrol.”

A silence fell over the group as they considered this. Jo was the first to recover. “Never go back? I don’t know, Nell, that sounds very pessimistic to me.”

“It’s realism,” Nell corrected her. “We might get to France or Switzerland, some mountains, but probably not anywhere that Hitler wants so badly as Austria. It’s Germany’s rightful territory, in his mind.”

“He won’t always be there,” Joey ventured, looking upset. “I can’t believe that we might never go back to the Tiernsee…”

“The world won’t right itself quickly,” Nell was beginning, when Hilda interrupted, one eye on Joey’s tearful face.

“That’s all very well, but this discussion can be saved for another time. Now, Joey, you were going to telephone Madge?”

“Yes, yes, I was,” Jo agreed. “I’ll be back anon.” She left the room, and Hilda and Nell listened to the sound of her footsteps.

“Do you really think that, Nell?” Hilda asked, gently.

Nell paused, uncomfortably. “Yes,” she replied eventually. “I don’t think that we’ll see Austria again. And I, for one, shan’t grieve over it.”

“Nell!”

“That flight from Austria… if I never see the Alps again, I shall die a happy woman, Hilda. I don’t think that I could ever dare to leave the safety of England, not now that I’m back.”

Hilda leant over and clasped one of Nell’s hands. “Oh, Nell…”

“Yes, well…” Nell pulled her hand away awkwardly. There was a silence.

“Madge is thrilled at the idea,” Joey informed her friends. “And she’s bringing Matey with her.”

“Oh, good,” Nell said. “Where are the rest of the staff staying?”

“With friends or family,” her Headmistress replied. “I think that I – and you, if you’re willing – will go to the school tomorrow and begin settling in.”

“Oh, I wish I were back at school!” Joey exclaimed. “It must be exciting for the girls, moving and starting all over again – it would be like those early days in Austria. It felt like one big family.”

“Of course I’ll come,” Nell replied. “When are the others coming? Con, Simone, and everyone?”

Hilda hesitated before reaching for her handbag. “Con has gone to be married.”

“She has?” Joey’s face was alight with joy for a friend. “Oh, I’m so happy for her!”

“Nell, she gave me a letter to give to you,” Hilda said, reaching out to her friend and handing her the envelope.

Nell looked up. “Thank you, Hilda.” She turned the envelope over in her hands. “I’ll read it later. Jo, I’ll stay here while you go out… someone needs to watch the babies, after all.”

“Oh Nell, are you sure? You don’t need to…”

“Of course I am. I – I’ll see the school another time.” Nell’s voice quavered slightly, and she stood up. “Enjoy yourselves.” As she made her way to the room where she was staying, she heard Joey’s voice.

“Poor Nell. She and Con were always such good friends, weren’t they?”
Author:  KathrynW [ Sat Jul 01, 2006 11:57 pm ]
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Thanks Lulu, I think you've captured the characters very realistically and it's really interesting.

Thank you :D
Author:  Alison H [ Sun Jul 02, 2006 9:01 am ]
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I'd never really thought of it before, but I'm not surprised Nell didn't want to go back to Austria. What a good friend Hilda is.
Author:  Chair [ Sun Jul 02, 2006 1:11 pm ]
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Thanks, Lulu. I am wibbling about Nell reading the letter.
Author:  Jennie [ Sun Jul 02, 2006 1:40 pm ]
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I'm wibbling too, but I do really long to give Jo a good slap in this drabble. She really has no idea, does she?
Author:  Changnoi [ Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:55 am ]
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It's really nice to see Nell with feelings and deep emotions, and not just as a woman with a dragon gift of sarcasm and poudre hair. We see it a bit when she is missing Hilda in Oberland, but this is more of it.

La pauvre Nell...

Chang
Author:  alicat [ Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:45 am ]
Post subject: 
Reading this you can see why Joey describes herself as always a Chalet School girl..she never really grows up. Never changes that very simplistic outlook that things should be as she wants them to be. That extends right through the books, to all the advice she gives, which is so black-and-white, no shades of grey. and what makes her so impractical, rushing in adopting people left right asnd centre without ever thinking if they have other relations or if it is what they want. makes one wonder about her relationship with Jack, really.
Author:  Mia [ Mon Jul 03, 2006 12:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
This is really excellent, thank you Lulu
Author:  Lulu [ Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:04 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the replies!

Yes, Joey isn't the most sympathetic character, is she? She never considers that there could be another viewpoint, or significant objections to her view, despite the fact that she's mean to be gifted at "getting under people's skins".

Um, this sounds strange, but I can't locate a mention of Con's fiancé's name actually being Jock. Is this something I'm making up? :?

---

Chapter Three

“Such good friends,” Nell whispered to herself bitterly, as she closed the door to her small bedroom. “You don’t know the half of it, my child.”

To her horror, she felt her lip trembling, and bit it staunchly. There would be no crying over something that she had known to be inevitable. But, oh, Con had been hers for so long – even when she first met Jock, she had promised that nothing would change between them. And then one evening, she had come to Nell, red-eyed and red-faced.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she had said, and Nell had thought at the time how it had felt like a dream. “It’s not right… you know it’s not right, we both do.”

Nell had clutched at her lover’s hands, begged her to reconsider, had been on her knees and pleading. Of course they had talked about how “right” it was, three years ago when they had come to the conclusion that they felt more than friendship for each other. But those discussions were over, they had both made their peace with their God, their consciences, their society: it felt right, it was right, but no one must ever know how right it was. Other people wouldn’t – couldn’t, maybe – understand. It had been the two of them, understanding something that no one else did: that this love they shared, although not usual, was certainly not the social wrong that some might have thought it to be.

And then it was just Nell, because Con had stopped understanding.

Con had spoken to her fiancé about their relationship. He had been shocked, he had been angry, but he had been forgiving, she said. It was more than she had deserved, she came to believe. She had done something terribly evil, something that even God might have trouble forgiving – but Jock would try to forgive her. He would still marry her, despite her tarnished innocence. And because she had been brought up to believe that men were always in the right, Con had agreed. She believed him, although she knew – and Nell knew – that she hadn’t felt that way before.

All of this was in Nell’s mind as she steeled herself to open the letter. There could be no last-minute repentances, that she knew. If the letter was more of the same, would it not be kinder to herself to leave it be? She knew Con’s feelings on the subject well enough. Con had gone to be married – was probably married by now. Maybe she and Jock were lying together, even as Nell was sitting – alone – in a small room with a single bed, which, despite its size, still felt big and empty when she was alone.

She felt the tears begin to prickle at the back of her eyes as she heard a knock on the door. “Nell?”

Nell hastily wiped her eyes on her sleeve, too hasty for decorum. “Hilda? Come in.”

Hilda tentatively opened the door and stood on the threshold of the room. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

“Oh, Hilda, don’t be silly!” Nell smiled at her friend’s concern. “Thank you, but you go – I know you want to see the school.”

“I do, but I also care about a very dear friend who recently received some bad news,” Hilda replied.

“I’ll be fine.” Inwardly, Nell wondered how true that was. “I just need some time alone. We were – close, Con and I.”

Hilda bobbed her head sympathetically. “I know you were.”

How much do you know? Nell bit back the question. “I’ll read her letter while you’re out. Maybe I’ll go for a walk later. I’ll be fine.”

Hilda looked unsure, but something in Nell’s face convinced her that she wouldn’t change her mind on this issue. “Well… if you’re certain, Nell…”

“I am. Thank you, Hilda.” Nell walked over to the window, hearing Hilda withdraw and shut the door softly behind her. She remained standing near the window until she had heard the front door shut, until she knew that she was alone – Jo and Hilda had both gone.

Then she sank onto her bed, clutching the letter tightly to her chest. “Oh, Con…” she whispered, rolling onto her front and letting the pillow catch her tears – hot, angry, heartbroken tears.
Author:  Fatima [ Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:07 pm ]
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Poor Nell.

Thanks, Lulu.
Author:  Alison H [ Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:50 pm ]
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I can't remember where his name's given, but it definitely says something somewhere about Con and "her Jock".

Interesting that she told him, and that he was OK about it, but how sad that she feels that she's committed a terrible sin :cry: .
Author:  Lulu [ Wed Jul 05, 2006 7:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
I don't know who I feel sorriest for anymore :(

Chapter Four

It was some time before Nell could compose herself sufficiently to read the letter. Though she had told herself there was no need to read it, she knew that it would contain more of Jock’s feelings, written in Con’s hand, she also knew that, if she didn’t read it, she would never forgive herself: she would spend the rest of her life wondering what it had said.

Taking a deep breath, as though she were about to do something far more physically strenuous, Nell pulled the thin sheet – only one sheet! Both sides covered in dense writing, but one sheet to say goodbye after all these years? – of writing paper from the envelope. Her eyes hungrily took in Con’s writing as she skimmed the pages, looking for an apology, a declaration of love, anything to suggest that Con hadn’t fallen in with her new husband’s ideas.

Phrases jumped out at her. It was never love… and it is for the better that it won’t be able to continue…I love him… this was not the real thing…She wanted to tear the letter up, pull the truth out of it, but that would solve nothing. It would be an empty gesture; Con would never know she had done it.

She stared blankly, unseeingly, out of the window. Impossible to think that the sun still shone, the world went on… Melodramatic perhaps, but despite Con’s engagement, Nell had never denied herself the hope that they would be together. Con had had crises of conscience before Jock came along, and they had all come to nothing. That this was Con’s only way of making peace with herself, Nell did not even consider.

She knew then that she would not be writing to Con. There was nothing to say. By now, Con was married – there would be no chance of convincing her that marriage was a mistake. And Nell had too much respect for her Catholic upbringing to allow herself to even entertain the thought of asking Con to stray from her husband. Even though she had no mind to ever marry, marriage was a Catholic sacrament, that she had learnt from a young age. It was as much a calling as the priesthood.

As for her suggestion of going to stay for a holiday, that was ludicrous. As if Nell could stay there, knowing that Con belonged to someone else now.

No, Con was lost to her now.

They had been best friends, first and foremost. Anything that had come later had grown out of that relationship, love built on solid foundations. For Con to call it a “wrench”… oh, how that devalued it. It was a wrench to leave the school for the holidays. To have their partnership dissolved so completely was a devastation.

---

Con Mackenzie, in her new home, lay crying silently, next to her husband as he slept. She didn’t regret her marriage, she told herself. She loved Jock – and he could give her the life that she expected. With him, there was marriage, a stable home, maybe children one day. It was conventional. It was delightfully normal, in a way that life with Nell would never be.

But it was also everything else that life with Nell would never be. There wasn’t the excitement of snatched moments between lessons, stolen kisses in empty corridors, always the promise of more, more, more. Days off, those holidays, when they had decided to climb a mountain, go into the towns, go to France… it had been spontaneous, and so fun.

With Jock, there could be no such spontaneity – he worked all day, she stayed at home. There was a maid, who spoke very little English, so Con’s days were not only isolated, but also empty. There was so little for her to do. She ached to write to Nell, to Hilda, to Jo, but dreaded her unhappiness showing through.

And Nell hadn’t written back. Probably wouldn’t write back, Con reflected. There was no reason to, any longer.
Author:  Fatima [ Wed Jul 05, 2006 7:40 pm ]
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I'm actually kind of glad that Con is feeling sad about it all, too. Now if only she could tell Nell that. Thanks, Lulu.
Author:  KathrynW [ Wed Jul 05, 2006 7:42 pm ]
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That was so sad :(

Thanks Lulu, a real sense of what each of them have lost.
Author:  Chair [ Wed Jul 05, 2006 7:47 pm ]
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Thanks, Lulu. I am also feeling sorry for both of them.
Author:  Alison H [ Wed Jul 05, 2006 9:05 pm ]
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I feel sorry for both of them, and for Jock as well - Con seems to see him as second best and obviously isn't happy.
Author:  Lulu [ Thu Jul 06, 2006 9:36 pm ]
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Chapter Five

Hilda wrote, but Hilda liked writing, and there was very little else to do in those days before the school re-opened. Gwensi was subdued after her exhibitions of temper, Jo and Madge were hard pressed to make it to the school every day, as both had young families, and Matron was exhausted after long days of work that Hilda was not trusted to do, despite offers of help. Even Nell was disappointingly quiet and withdrawn, which Hilda put down to a delayed reaction to the combined stress of fleeing first from Europe and then from Guernsey, the increasingly bleak war news, and the fact that her best friend would not be returning for the new term.

All the same, Hilda mentioned it in a letter to Con, wondering if there was a way to cheer up her friend.

“I hope you don’t think that I am telling tales, but I must confide in someone, and I need to ask your advice. It hurts to see her so,” Hilda wrote. “If only we were still in Austria, I’d go with her on a long walk to help her clear her head, but there is nowhere here. I do not relish the prospect of walking with crocs of girls along roads, quiet or no!

“I would never ask you to betray a confidence, but if there is anything seriously wrong, or anything with which I could help, would you tell me? For I’m at my wits’ end, my dear, I really am. She misses you more than she lets on, I believe. She hasn’t so much as spoken your name since I gave her your letter: she went to bed early that night, and arose the next morning determined to give her mind to the school, or so she told me. She certainly isn’t displaying that attitude now!

“Added to that is the stress of the war, the prospect of air raids and the responsibility for a large number of girls – we do so hope that the school will continue to grow as it has recently! – and the strain that she and Jo suffered in both moves. No wonder she seems quiet, but it is so unlike her.”

She finished the letter with sundry details about the preparations for the new term and congratulations on Con’s marriage, and sealed the envelope. It struck her, as she walked leisurely along to the post office, that she had not seen Nell leave the School for nearly a week, and wondered if she had even replied to Con’s letter. Upon returning, she broached the subject.

“Nell?” she asked, knocking on her friend’s door and pushing it open at the same time.

Nell, sitting on the edge of her bed and inspecting her hands closely, looked up. “Yes, Hilda? Is it teatime already?”

“No, I thought… I thought we might talk for a while.” Even a brief glance showed that Nell had been crying, and Hilda awkwardly sat down next to her, compassion edging out years of training not to sit on beds.

“Oh?” Nell’s tone was curious now. “What about?”

“Are you… is… are… is there anything wrong?” Hilda asked, hesitantly.

“Why do you ask that?” Nell’s look suggested that she would flatly deny any problems.

“You’re so quiet and I’ve barely seen you all week, my dear. Why are you keeping yourself to yourself so much?” Hilda suddenly caught sight of Nell’s hands, fingernails bitten so much that they were bleeding. She grabbed one and held it tightly. “And this?”

Nell’s hand was limp in hers. “I’m not as strong as you, Hilda.”

“What rot,” was Hilda’s instinctive response. She disregarded her friend’s surprised glance. “Well, slang or not, it’s the truth! My dear, you’ve been through so much.”

Nell’s only reply was a deep sigh, her head drooped.

“Have you written to Con lately?” asked Hilda.

Nell’s head remained low. “No… not since that letter she sent with you.” Hilda remained silent. “And I probably shall not be writing to her again,” Nell added, icily.

“Why ever not?” Hilda exclaimed. “You were so close…”

“You don’t understand how close,” Nell retorted, snatching her hand away from Hilda.

Confused, Hilda stood up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Unsure of how to finish her sentence, she began to back out of the room. “I’ll be in my room if you want me.”

“I’m OK, Hilda,” Nell faltered, and Hilda nodded, unconvinced and very glad that she had written to Con. Maybe she would answer the questions brimming in her mind.
Author:  Alison H [ Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:05 pm ]
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Hope Nell feels able to tell Hilda about everything.

Thanks Lulu.
Author:  KathrynW [ Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:21 pm ]
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I hope they do manage to talk soon, Nell needs a friend here. Thank you Lulu
Author:  Chair [ Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:26 pm ]
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Thanks, Lulu. I also hope that they will talk.
Author:  Fatima [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 6:05 am ]
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Thanks, Lulu.
Author:  Elle [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:38 am ]
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Oh, poor Nell. :cry: :cry:
Author:  Tara [ Sun Jul 16, 2006 12:39 am ]
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I've just found this after being away on holiday, and I do hope you'll be able to write more of it, Lulu. It's exactly what I've always thought. In the books, tho' I'm positive such a thought would never have entered EBD's head for a second, Nell seems to have a much more physical relationship with Con than she ever does with Hilda, despite their obvious love for each other.

I'd love to hear more of your story.
Author:  Lulu [ Fri Jul 28, 2006 8:34 pm ]
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Just a little apology for the delay, I've been away for a week - the next part should be up sometime this weekend :)
Author:  Nell [ Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:54 am ]
Post subject: 
Looking forward to more if there is some...
Author:  Lulu [ Fri Aug 18, 2006 9:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm terribly sorry about the delay - no excuses other than laziness, I'm afraid :lol:

Chapter six

“Out with it, Hilda.”

Hilda glanced up to see Matey sitting in front of her, her chin resting on her hands. “What?”

“Penny for your thoughts.”

“Oh, they’re not worth a penny.” Hilda smiled ruefully. “I was just… thinking.” She spread her hands over her desk and looked around the study she had been given. Matron could have been forgiven for assuming that Hilda was thinking about their move, but wisely she said nothing, instead waiting for the Headmistress to continue. “I was talking to Nell earlier, Gwyn.”

“Oh?”

“She said something about strength, it made me think.” Hilda was quiet for a moment longer, thinking how to phrase her concerns. “She said I was stronger than she. I told her it was rot – which it is! But I am concerned about the girls. Especially the girls from France and the Channel Islands… they’ve been through such a lot.”

“They have,” Matey agreed. “But children are wonderfully resilient. Even Jo and Robin are recovered from their flight through Europe by now, and they are two of the most delicate girls we’ve ever had.”

“Physically, yes. But emotionally they’ve always had so much to deal with – Robin has lost both parents, and Jo has had a lot of change in her life.” Hilda worried a pen between her fingers. “I think we might have troubles with a lot of the younger girls particularly this year. For the duration, in fact. There’s so much more to deal with in wartime that we’re just not used to dealing with.”

“Hilda, you’re just borrowing trouble,” Matey replied, somewhat tartly.

“There is… something else,” Hilda ventured, not noticeably subdued by that snub.

“Oh?”

“Have you spoken to Nell recently?” Without waiting for a response, she continued. “Am I right to worry about her?”

“I should think that she’ll be fine, eventually.”

“Do you know what the problem is, then?”

“I’m not blind, Hilda.”

“Neither am I,” Hilda retorted. “If it’s not breaking a confidence, I’d like to know, please.”

“I’m bound by no such confidences, thank Heavens.” Much to the Head’s surprise, Matey looked almost embarrassed. “She’s missing Con, Hilda. Have you got eyes in your head or haven’t you?”

“But she told me that she…”

“Wasn’t? Of course she did.” Gwynneth paused for a moment, before continuing. “They were very close, weren’t they? I doubt she ever expected Con to marry. Although it’s probably for the best that she did – oh no, not for the school, of course,” she corrected herself, as Hilda made to protest. “For herself and Nell, it was the best thing to do. A clean break, and now there’s no temptation, for either of them.”

“Temptation?”

“To be so close to each other.” She looked keenly at her Head. “Do you understand me?”

And Hilda, reeling, could only nod faintly.
Author:  Alison H [ Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the update! How perceptive of Matey to realise what'd been happening.
Author:  brie [ Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:48 pm ]
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thanks lulu
Author:  Tara [ Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:29 am ]
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So glad to see an update. I wonder how Hilda will feel - it obviously hadn't entered her head. Matey, of course, never misses a thing.
Author:  Nell [ Mon Aug 21, 2006 11:05 am ]
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Ah be interesting to see how she reacts to that particular piece of information.

Thank you Lulu.
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Aug 22, 2006 10:15 pm ]
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Chapter Seven

After her conversation with Matey, Hilda disappeared for the evening. Gwensi, going to report to her Headmistress before retiring to bed, was unable to find her, and resorted to knocking on the door of Miss Wilson’s room.

“Gwensi? What are you doing here?” Nell queried, understandably confused at the child’s presence.

“I can’t find Miss Annersley,” Gwensi explained. “And I have to report to her each evening, because…” she trailed off, embarrassed.

“Yes, I know why. Where have you looked for her?” Nell cast her mind back, but couldn’t recall seeing Hilda after their conversation earlier.

“In the library, the hall, the garden… I even waited outside her room, but she wasn’t there.”

Nell began walking Gwensi to her room. “Perhaps she’s gone into the village, or to see Mrs Maynard. I wouldn’t worry about her, child. You go to bed now, and we’ll see you in the morning.”

Gwensi nodded. “Thank you, Miss Wilson.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble,” Nell replied, smiling as she thought of the transformation that had come over the sullen little girl they had met a week earlier. “Sleep tight, now.”

“I will.”

As Gwensi vanished into her little room, Nell set off to find Matey. Coming across her in one of the dormitories, she leant against the wall to talk to her. “Matey?”

“You’ve left your room at long last, then.” Matey’s tone was faintly sarcastic, and Nell flushed, determined to ignore any provocation.

“Have you seen Hilda?” she asked.

“Not for a few hours. Why?” Matey handed Nell some bed linen. “If you’re going to stand there, you might as well make yourself useful.”

“Gwensi said that she couldn’t find her when she went to report.” Nell began to unfold the sheets. “It seems like she looked in all the obvious places. Do you know if she was going out?”

“She didn’t tell me that she was, but then she doesn’t have to answer to anyone – Nell Wilson, you’re putting that sheet on sideways! Have you never made a bed in your life?” With a glare, Matron took the sheet from Nell. “Stand over there and let me get on with this, if that’s your idea of helping.”

Reflecting that she’d been put in her place for the second time in five minutes, Nell turned to leave, but was stopped in her tracks.

“Nell… Hilda is under a lot of stress lately. Don’t make this any harder on her than you have to.”

“I wouldn’t…”

“You are, whether you realise it or not. She’s worrying about you when she should be thinking about the coming term.” Matey’s face softened for a moment. “I know you’re not having an easy time right now, Nell, and if you need to talk, my door is always open to you.”

Nell looked away. “There are some things that… well, that aren’t easy to talk about. And I’ve never been a great one for sentimentality.”

“I’m not talking about sentimentality,” Matey retorted. “I certainly don’t want to hear you getting sentimental. I’m talking about healing. You’ve lost someone you cared very deeply for, haven’t you?”

Silent for a long while, Nell could hear the blood rushing through her veins and pounding in her head. Eventually, she spoke quietly. “I don’t know. She said…”

“I didn’t ask what she said. I asked what you feel. I know you were close, and I know it’s only natural to feel like something’s missing when someone has left like that.” The glint in Matey’s eyes was almost understanding.

“You knew all along, didn’t you?” Nell asked, smiling slightly.

“Of course I did. You’ve heard the girls talk – nothing escapes my notice!”
Author:  Tara [ Tue Aug 22, 2006 11:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
I wonder where Hilda's got to - and how hard she's finding this?

Matey's remarks about Nell's need for healing and about the distinction between what Con said and what Nell feels are very perceptive.

Thank you, Lulu.
Author:  Alison H [ Tue Aug 22, 2006 11:30 pm ]
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It's nice to see the relationship between Matey and another member of staff - she always seemed like a bit of a loner.
Author:  Ruth B [ Tue Aug 22, 2006 11:54 pm ]
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Very perceptive of Matey!

Thanks Lulu
Author:  Lulu [ Thu Aug 24, 2006 7:20 pm ]
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Alison, I don't know if Matey seems like a loner to me - certainly in Gay, she seems very close to Nell Wilson, and she's very attached to Jo. I think her biggest obstacle in making friends is that she can be so strict - we're repeatedly told how she makes even Hilda feel small at times, and that wouldn't be an attractive quality. Nevertheless, I have quite a soft spot for her!

Chapter Eight

Having been unable to find Hilda that evening, Nell had taken herself off to bed. Just as she turned back the covers, there was a quiet knock on the door, and, cursing quietly, she pulled on her dressing gown before answering.

“Hilda… where were you?” she exclaimed.

“May I come in?” Hilda asked, quietly.

“Yes, of course,” Nell replied, distractedly ushering her friend into the room. “Are you – where were you?”

“I was talking to Gwynneth earlier… I just needed some time to think about what she told me.” Hilda looked at her friend. “Is it true? You and Con?”

Nell sank onto the bed, running her hands through her hair. “Yes,” she murmured.

“Do you – do you mind talking about it?” Hilda was obviously uncomfortable, and Nell looked up, surprised. She’d expected anger or disgust, but this was neither. Hilda seemed almost curious.

“Not really.” Nell steeled herself for a painful conversation.

“How long have you – did you…?”

“A few years. Three, a bit more maybe. It was in Tyrol.” And if she were to be honest to herself, it had ended there too. It was during the Tyrol years that Con had met her husband, although Nell still tried to think that, if they hadn’t had their enforced separation during that terrible flight through Europe, Con might still have refused him.

“And you were both… you didn’t feel that it was wrong?”

“You do, don’t you?” Nell countered.

“No… not wrong.” Hilda paused. “People only ever talk about it when they’re implying that it’s wrong, but it’s not something that I think about enough to know how I feel. But… the Church is very strict on its teachings about it. You’re both Catholic, you both know that.”

“I know.” Nell sighed deeply. “And it was hard. I just thought that – there’s no law against it, you know. Not for women, not in England. And we weren’t hurting anyone.”

“Did you ever tell anyone?” Hilda asked.

“She – we didn’t want to. There might not be a law, but people – people don’t always just think like that, do they? You’re not.”

Hilda blushed. “It – it’s just something I’d never thought of. I thought you were friends. I didn’t – I’ve never known… anyone who…”

“That made it so hard,” Nell said, quietly. “There just aren’t the words… people can’t talk about it. If you can’t talk about it, you can’t make it real; you can’t even really validate it if you don’t know the words. You can’t tell people even if you want to. She told him… when they got engaged.” She rubbed her eyes vigorously. “I think she felt that if they were getting married–” She broke off. “I don’t know what she felt. I couldn’t have done that to her, Hilda. I couldn’t ever have married anyone else. I can’t imagine how she could have done it to me.”

Hilda’s arms were around her almost before she began to cry in earnest. “Did you love her?”

“Yes… but she doesn’t love me,” Nell whispered, telling Hilda what she had barely admitted to herself.

Hilda waited until her friend’s sobs had abated. “No… Nell, she would never have taken those risks for you, had she not loved you. Did she tell you that?”

“In that letter.”

“The letter that I gave to you?” Hilda felt almost sick as she realised that, unwittingly, she had been the cause of her friend’s pain. “She didn’t even tell you…?”

“I knew that she was engaged. Everyone knew that.” Nell looked directly at her friend. “We never really ended it, though. I think I just assumed… they’d put the wedding off a few times before, I thought it’d never happen.” She reached under her pillow and pulled out the letter that Con had sent. “Do you want to read it?”

“Not really. Nell, this is all new to me, and that letter was obviously very private. It must have been very hard for Con to write – and for you to read, of course – and I don’t feel that I should impose like that.”

Nell nodded, soberly. “I’m sorry for springing this on you, Hilda. You’ve been far more accepting than I could have hoped for…”

“What did you expect me to do? Ask you to leave?”

“No-o… I suppose not. No, you wouldn’t.”

“No, I wouldn’t. So stop worrying.”
Author:  Alison H [ Thu Aug 24, 2006 8:27 pm ]
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Poor Nell :( , but what a good friend Hilda is.
Author:  Ruth B [ Fri Aug 25, 2006 1:49 am ]
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Very wonderful and wise of Hilda. She isn't lying and telling Nell she's completely ok with what she has discovered, but lets Nell know she is valued and loved just the same.
Author:  MaryR [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 8:52 pm ]
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Lulu wrote:
If you can’t talk about it, you can’t make it real;

Nell choked me up at that point - one could feel her pain. :cry:

And Hilda will always comfort those in pain - and listen to them with open heart and mind, no matter her own feelings.

Thank you, Lulu
Author:  Tara [ Mon Aug 28, 2006 11:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
you can’t even really validate it if you don’t know the words.

How very true. And how sad.

I suspect that being together just felt so right and inevitable that they couldn't make themselves think of it as wrong, until Con started believing other people instead of herself.

And yes, Con did love her - just not enough.

Hilda is doing her very best to understand and support, as always.

Thanks, Lulu.
Author:  Cath V-P [ Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
Sad yet hopeful too. To see Hilda comforting Nell and reassuring her like this was very moving.
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Aug 29, 2006 10:28 pm ]
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Chapter Nine

Having tucked Nell into bed, Hilda retired to her own room for the night, and flopped down onto her bed almost immediately. She would change later, she decided.

Nell had asked where she had been that evening, and she had avoided the question, because in all honesty, she had no idea. After understanding Gwynneth’s revelation, she had simply nodded her way through the rest of their conversation, until Matey had taken her hint and left her alone. At any other time, the rudeness she had shown would have been scolded, Headmistress or not, but Matron was an understanding woman, despite her strictness, and she had seen that Hilda was struggling to come to terms with a wholly new idea.

Hilda could honestly say that she had never even considered any of her staff having romantic relationships, outside of the official engagements or rumoured dalliances that led to them. A whisper of “I met a lovely man”, whether in Innsbruck, or Vienna, or back home in England, would almost always be followed up, several weeks or months later, with an engagement – and the loss of a valued staff member and friend. She had rarely considered marriage for herself: she had so few truly free weekends that when she did have free time, she preferred to spend it alone or with friends. Her life was full of school – the girls were almost as dear to her as any children of her own could be, and no husband could measure up to the combined love of an entire staffroom of friends. No, she was happy.

And she had assumed that her staff members were either similarly-minded, or hoping for future husbands. The possibility that any of them would rather be romantically involved with a woman had never entered her head. It was so implicitly discouraged, and so unusual…

As she rolled over and began to change for bed, she realised that she would no longer look at the world in such a clear-cut way. If they had not been just close friends, what did that say for the other friendship pairings in the school? Simone’s wild love for Jo, for example. Had Simone felt the way that Nell was feeling now, when Jo married? Jeanne Lachenais and Julie Berne were extremely friendly – where did that end?

There was a vague memory of her first term at her own boarding school, as a frightened child of nine, being scolded for holding the hand of a girl of a few years older. That had been a prefect scolding her – had she understood why, exactly, it was forbidden?

If it had been merely lust (and Hilda’s cheeks flamed even as the word crossed her mind), then there could have been no such risks taken. And no such attempt at understanding from Hilda, either.

Nell’s whole demeanour showed that her heart had been broken, and that alone made it impossible for Hilda to think badly of her friend. How could she refuse help – or the acceptance that Nell so clearly craved – to a friend who had been so badly hurt? She had been in love, that much was obvious.

And Con’s expression when she had given Hilda the letter… she, too, had been hurting. And to have been with Nell for so long – even when, by all accounts, her conviction had been wavering – showed love. Every moment of their relationship, they must have dreaded discovery, Hilda realised. In that instant, she regretted every evening she had sat with them alone in the staffroom, every time she had asked one of them to walk with her on an afternoon when the other was free, every time she had walked into a room they had been in… How they must have resented her!

There could be acceptance, maybe, Hilda mused, before there was understanding.
Author:  Alison H [ Tue Aug 29, 2006 10:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
What a lot for Hilda to get her head round - but at least she seems to accept how Nell must be feeling.

I certainly take her point about relationships. Other than those engagements which sadly ended with fiancés being killed in the war, every romantic relationship in the entire series seemed to end in marriage!
Author:  Tara [ Tue Aug 29, 2006 11:38 pm ]
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My goodness, Hilda has had her world well and truly set on its head.

How realistic that she's now beginning to wonder about every close friendship she sees!

Sad that she feels Nell and Con must have resented her - she was their friend, too.

But she does realise that their love was genuine and, yes, perhaps she can accept before she understands, out of her affection and respect for Nell.
Author:  Lulu [ Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
Chapter Ten

It was the evening before the girls returned. Hilda was lazily curled up in a big chair in her office, fathoms deep in a book, one hand cupped around a mug of coffee. The returning members of staff were unpacking, and Matron, ably assisted by Megan and co., was making beds in the Yellow dormitory. The Head felt able to relax for the last time before term began, and she was making the most of the opportunity.

Startled out of the world of Jane Austen by a knock on the door, Hilda stood and stretched – most ungracefully! – before calling out, “Come in!”

“It’s me,” Nell announced herself.

“I can see that,” Hilda replied. “What do you want?” she asked.

“A chat. I’m sorry, am I intruding – were you busy?” Nell’s eyes flicked over the half-drunk cup of coffee on the desk, and the copy of Mansfield Park on the chair. “Reading? I’ll leave you to it, you bookworm!”

“I was just enjoying my last evening of freedom, feel free to intrude,” Hilda laughed, catching hold of Nell’s arm as she made to leave.

“Well, I came to ask what you wanted to do on the last evening before you had responsibility for the future generation…” Nell began, taking the book up and reading the blurb. “I’ve never read this, is it good?”

“It is, you philistine.” Hilda hastily repossessed herself of her book, and slipped a bookmark between the pages. “You may borrow it when I’m finished, if you like.”

“I’ll think about it. Reading’s more Con’s thing.” It slipped out before Nell had a chance to think about what she’d said, and sitting down opposite Hilda, she looked up at her friend, wary of her reaction – the two had not had a chance to talk about this since the night that Nell had ended up crying in Hilda’s arms. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to talk about her so much.”

“Don’t apologise. Nell… if you ever want to talk about Con, I know that I’ll be busy with the new term, but… do know that I’ll never be too busy for you, if you need me.” Hilda had rehearsed a better speech, but this awkward utterance was all that she was left with, now that Nell was in front of her.

“Thank you, Hilda.” Nell’s eyes glowed. “That – that can’t be an easy offer for you to make.”

Hilda shook her head, lowering her gaze. “Don’t praise me, Nell, for I’ve not been as accepting as you might have wanted. I don’t – and won’t ever – judge you, but it’s a wholly new idea for me to grasp.”

“You’ve given me nothing but whole-hearted support, Hilda. That deserves praise – and thanks,” she added. “I’m so grateful for the way you’ve reacted. You’ve not made me feel like… like Con did, sometimes.”

There was no reply to give to that, so Hilda merely reached out and squeezed her friend’s hand.

After a few moments of this companionable silence, Hilda spoke again. “It may be little consolation right now, but there are many people who love you and care for you, Nell. We all want to see you happy.”

“It’s not the same,” Nell replied, slowly. Hilda nodded, sympathetically. “I don’t even think it’s as good; that kind of love just can’t equal the – the other kind.”

“No. No, I can’t agree with that,” Hilda broke in. “Romantic love is all very well, but… Nell, I’ve never known that kind of love, and I don’t feel that my life is the poorer for it. I’ve known wonderful love in my life – from my family, my friends, you – and to say that the other kind of love is stronger devalues it – I can’t agree with that. I can’t imagine finding a man – or woman,” she added, a blush deepening in her cheeks, as she considered the revelations that had so confused her ideas about romance, “whom I loved so much that I could say about them, ‘Yes, this is worth more than my love for my mother, or my father, or my friends.’ It would be different, but – nothing could lessen how I felt for the people I love now.”

Nell nodded. “Con was more than just a romantic love, though,” she began, slowly. “She was my friend, first and foremost. Even when we… when we were together, we could laugh and be friends as well as lovers. Later, there might be other women – or men, I don’t know, Con could be right; I can’t see it now but she could be. And I might fall in love again, and I might care for friends now and in the future, but they couldn’t be to me all that Con was.” Inwardly, she wondered at herself for being able to say this without crying, and wondered to herself what that might mean. “I know you mean well, Hilda, but you can’t understand exactly what it was like.”

Moving her chair slightly closer to her friend, Hilda smiled slightly at her. “Then tell me.”

“What?”

“Tell me – about Con. I’d like to hear about your relationship, truly.”

“You would?” Nell grinned.

“If you’d like to tell me, then I would,” Hilda replied. “It can’t have been easy, keeping it a secret, and… it might help you. It might be good to know that there’s someone who is trying to understand, even if she can’t totally.”

“Oh, I – I’d love to.”
Author:  kimothy [ Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
thanks lulu
Author:  Alison H [ Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:59 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hilda's being so lovely here!

And poor Nell - that feeling that you've lost both your partner and your best friend at the same time.
Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Thu Aug 31, 2006 12:03 am ]
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Hilda is lovely. And I could really see her doing/saying that too. Wonderfully in character.
Author:  Tara [ Thu Aug 31, 2006 12:26 am ]
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What interesting thoughts about different kinds of love. I shalll go away and think about it.
Glad that Hilda finds so much fulfilment in her non-romantic attachments, but I wonder if she will find her special person?
Author:  Dawn [ Thu Aug 31, 2006 12:32 am ]
Post subject: 
Hilda was trying so hard there to understand and to feel what Nell and Con had
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:11 pm ]
Post subject: 
Apologies in advance for any delays - I'm moving to uni on the 14th, and probably won't have net access for a few days after that (although I am meant to get it after a week or so), and have quite a lot to do beforehand.

Enjoy!

----

Chapter Eleven - Nell's story

When I first saw Con, I thought that she was one of the prettiest girls I’d ever seen. I know that’s probably not the ideal start of an explanation – would you rather believe that it was just love, and it just happened to go against the boundaries of gender? Well, that’s not entirely true, I’m afraid. I found her very attractive, and that was the first thing.

We met on the ferry from Dover, and got talking before we realised that we were both headed for the Chalet School.

“Are you going to France?” she asked me, as we were looking back towards England.

“Austria – the Tyrol. I’m a science mistress at a school there,” I replied.

“What school?”

“The Chalet School,” I told her, and was getting ready to tell her a bit about the school, when I noticed how her eyes had lit up.

“No! That’s where I’m going, too!” she exclaimed.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t place what she’d be doing there. I knew that she couldn’t possibly be a pupil, but she looked so young that it was impossible she’d be teaching. I later found out that she was twenty-four, only two years younger than I was.

She told me that she was the new history mistress. “It’s only my second job. I worked at a day school a mile or so from my parents’ home for two years.”

“Why did you leave?” I asked – yes, it was probably too personal a question, but I was curious.

“The staff there was very united,” she told me. “They’d all been there for years, and I was very much the staff baby. And they let me know it, too! If I had any problems, they’d put it down to my age, even though I’m certain that they’d all been through the same troubles.”

“Oh, you won’t find that at the Chalet School,” I assured her. “I’ve been there a few years, and it feels like my home.”

“Well,” she smiled, “I feel as though I’ve already made a friend.”

It was a good start – by the time that we were at school, we were friends. I was the one she came to when she needed to know something, and I also ended up being her shoulder to cry on a good few times – you can imagine how much I hated that! I’ve never been one to encourage weeping.

Firstly, she was frightfully homesick. I never understood why – I assume that she’d gone to boarding school and university. But she had spent the past few years living at home, and she missed her parents dreadfully. After all, it wasn’t as though post was quick, not from Scotland to Austria, and she did worry when she didn’t get letters from her family.

There was one time in that first term of hers, I remember, when she came to me almost in tears because, when she’d been walking with the Middles, they’d refused to give way to the St Scholastika girls, and told Mademoiselle that it was because she hadn’t told them to do so – being so new, of course, she’d had no idea. Mademoiselle had spoken to her for it. Not strictly, knowing Mademoiselle, but it had got to Con somehow.

There wasn’t always that clinginess, of course. We were good friends, and I couldn’t be friends with someone who never stopped being so dependent on me. After a few weeks, I think she recovered from the homesickness. I certainly never heard her mention it again, although I did notice her face fall on days when she didn’t get post.

We were both very active people – we went walking a lot during our free time, and during the summer, we went swimming almost every day. We used to try and spend our half-terms together too, if she wasn’t going home. I never went home after she arrived – there just wasn’t anyone to go home to. My parents and sister had died years before, and even though I had a house in England, I didn’t see the point in staying there alone when I could have been spending time with a friend.

And somehow, over the next few years, I fell in love with her.
Author:  Ruth B [ Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
Poor Nell! :cry:
Author:  Alison H [ Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Poor Nell.

Best of luck at university. I loved being a student and I'm sure you will too.

And it's a wonderful city to live in :D !

Alison (possibly biased :lol: ).
Author:  Tara [ Tue Sep 05, 2006 10:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
Fascinating 'take' on Con. And I never did understand that episode in 'Rivals', I'd have thought it was just common sense!

Have a wonderful time, Lulu, but don't despair if it's not all glorious straight away - it will be.
Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Wed Sep 06, 2006 9:55 am ]
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It's really fascinating to see Con and Nell's relationship from Nell's perspective. I like this.

Good luck at uni, I loved it and I'm sure you will too.
Author:  Lulu [ Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
Chapter Twelve – Nell’s story

I can’t pinpoint the moment it happened; my feelings just seemed to grow, so that one day she was my friend, several years later I was in love with her, and I’m not sure what happened in between.

I was in love with her for a while before I told her, that I do know. For about a year or so, I suppose. I was never going to tell her – it’s just not something that you say to another woman, is it? I don’t even know if a man would. From what I’ve seen, they just… propose. That’s what seemed to happen with Con and Jock, although I suppose that she wouldn’t have told me all the details of what went on between them. That’s the trouble with romance being such a private thing – it’s very hard to know what to do. And, well, in our case, it was even harder.

I think that I started to see her in a different light when I broke my foot – do you remember, that first term Eustacia Benson came to us? Goodness, that would only have been Con’s second term. Nothing happened until a good while later, though.

But that weekend, I saw just how capable she was. Before that, I confess I’d always seen her as something of a child. I’d heard the girls talk and say that she was strict, she could get angry – I’d seen her get angry myself, actually. But it was just anger; it wasn’t sternness or anything of the sort. That weekend, though, she gave me the chance to sleep off some of the pain, while she looked after the girls. She must have been frantic – she was on a mountaintop during a blizzard with a party of young girls and an unconscious woman.

It was only when we got back and I was recovered – or nearly so – that she told me how bad it was for her.

“It was dreadful,” she told me. “I was worried about the responsibility of the girls, but I knew that they could more or less behave themselves, and you know that Joey is almost as good as a mistress in situations like that – when she knows that it’s serious, anyhow. But – oh Nell, I was terrified for you. I couldn’t see how we were going to get you down again, and then you kept fainting with the pain… I just wanted to go back to the morning and insist that it looked like snowing and that we weren’t going to go.”

I hugged her – how odd for undemonstrative me! – and told her not to worry. “What’s done is done, Con. It was in no way your fault – and it wasn’t even Eustacia’s. I stepped back too quickly; it was my own silly fault. Whatever happened, there would have been a blizzard.”

“I suppose it’s in God’s plan, isn’t it?” Con mused. “He could have caused you to hurt your foot in any way – and it did teach me something, it made me take a responsibility I wouldn’t usually have taken. I confess, I would have given in to fear if I hadn’t been the only mistress able to cope.”

I felt a lot of respect for her after that.
Author:  Alison H [ Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:15 pm ]
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Thanks Lulu - this comes across as so real. I'm looking forward to seeing how they do both eventually find out how the other one feels.
Author:  Tara [ Mon Sep 11, 2006 11:22 pm ]
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Very thoughtful and insightful, Lulu.

Nell makes an interesting distiction between getting angry and being a good disciplinarian.

Looking forward to more.
Author:  Lulu [ Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:20 pm ]
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I'm adoring uni, but it's just got better now that I've gained net access in my room!

Chapter Thirteen – Nell’s story

The following summer – Con’s first summer with the school – we happened to both be free on the same afternoon, the first really hot afternoon of the season.

I grabbed her arm as she was leaving after lunch, and asked her if she had any plans.

“Not especially, no,” she replied. “Did you have something in mind, Nell?”

“I did, as a matter of fact. I think you once told me that you liked swimming, and today is warm enough to make the lake bearable…”

Con’s eyes lit up, and I thought to myself again how pretty she was. “Ooh yes! That sounds lovely! I’ll meet you in the hallway in fifteen minutes,” she said, before racing off, as though she were a Middle.

I must have taken longer than the ten minutes, because before I was half ready, she was knocking on my bedroom door, eager to go. And, you know, with anyone else, that would have annoyed me. I’d either have said, then and there, that I wasn’t going, or I’d have deliberately taken longer than I needed. But with Con, her excitement was infectious.

We raced down to the lake, and Con insisted I be the first to test the water. “What’s it like?” Con called out.

“Freezing!” I shouted, before swimming over to the bank and splashing her.

“Nell!” she squealed, before delicately getting in. “Ugh, it’s awful. How could you think this would be bearable? Didn’t you come and see first?”

“Never crossed my mind, my dear.” It hadn’t, either. I’d been swimming when it was much colder – and so had you, probably. But it was Con’s first year there, and she wasn’t used to it. “It’ll be fine if we keep moving. Race you to that boathouse?”

We did, and we must have been swimming for hours, really. Con got used to the water, and we spent a lot of the time just floating on our backs and talking. We were just finished when Joey and her little group appeared.

“Goodness!” Con exclaimed. “What time is it?”

“Nearly three,” Jo replied, after a look at her watch. “I say, what’s the water like?”

Con shot me a glance telling me to be quiet, so I bit my lip as she replied. “Oh, lovely and warm.”

As the girls happily headed for the water, she grabbed my arm, and began to run, and we just made it into her room before collapsing into giggles. “Oh, Con, how could you?”

“Oh, I wish I could have seen their faces!”

“They’d have been furious!”

She grinned and turned to face me – we’d been looking through the window, but we couldn’t see closely enough, obviously. “Thank you, Nell. This was great fun!”
Author:  Alison H [ Mon Sep 18, 2006 9:32 pm ]
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:lol: at Joey! Nice to see Con and Nell enjoying themselves - what a shame that it all has to go wrong :( .
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Sep 19, 2006 8:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
I know - I'm finding it really hard to write this, because I find them so lovely together, and it just makes me so sad to know that they couldn't have had a happy ending.

Chapter Fourteen - Nell's Story

As the summer holiday drew nearer, I began to think about how to spend it. As I’ve said, I never went “home” – by which I mean England – after Con arrived, because there was just no reason. I had no immediate family: my parents and sister had died when I was in my early twenties. I had a few cousins and aunts and uncles, but I was never very close to them – and certainly not close enough to stay with them for months on end.

I usually spent the holidays alone, visiting different European cities. I’d meet people – there were two or three women along the way, but none who meant anything much. Does that shock you? Disappoint you? Disgust you, even, that I was intimate with women I barely knew? Well, it’s the truth, nonetheless. And yes, when I was with Con, I did regret being with the others, but before I was with her, they helped me to forget her. There was an attraction and I had the chance to follow it up, in a way that I didn’t with Con. When I was with Con, I did wish that I was hers, wholly and truly, in the way that she claimed to be mine, but I’d given parts of myself away long ago.

But that summer, I’d noticed that Con also seemed to be at a loose end. She seemed almost reluctant to go home, and so, after much hesitation on my part – I didn’t want to seem too eager – we arranged to go away together.

The holiday was long that year, and we spent it all together – travelling, Guide camp, and then a long stay in Italy. For the first week or so, we stayed in the Tyrol, visiting attractions we’d never visited before. We went to the Zillerthal – I’d been there before, but it was all new to Con. She was entranced by its beauty, and seeing her reaction made me appreciate it all the more. I’m much more matter-of-fact than she is, and while I do like beautiful things, I don’t get into such wild raptures about them as some do. But Con, ever after, spoke of the Zillerthal with the same reverence she used to speak about God. I asked her about it, once. She didn’t reply immediately, but when she did, she gave me a new outlook on much of nature – much of the world.

“I believe we should think of those things with reverence, Nell,” she told me. “It may not be a holy site – not to us, anyway – but it was still created by God. For Him to create such beauty, it must be a place of value. The grotto at Lourdes is sacred because something happened there to little Bernadette Soubirous. She was in the presence of the Virgin. Why shouldn’t every place be sacred? We are always in God’s presence – and the wonders that He created only prove that.”

Her faith ran very deep – moreso than mine, because I don’t think that Con ever lapsed, whereas I frequently had. She was truly able to see God as the Father, caring and providing for her. The God I saw was the vengeful God of the Old Testament, He who had taken away my family when I was little more than a child. Con was reforming those views. Not only through her own beliefs, which were both strong and infectious, but through her mere presence: God had allowed me this wonderful woman in my life. He allowed me to worship her from afar, to be her friend, and to love her.
Author:  Alison H [ Tue Sep 19, 2006 9:38 pm ]
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:? Not easy to worship someone from afar when you live and work together - looking forward to seeing how this develops.
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:14 pm ]
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Not easy, but I can imagine that that's how she would have felt - she was forcing herself to keep her distance, and any feelings for Con would have to be kept very quiet. :(
Author:  Lulu [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 12:33 am ]
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It looks like interest in this is starting to wane, but it has unfortunately got quite a way to go (I'm in two minds over the final ending, one is written and the other isn't!). I want to finish it more for my own sake than anything else, and so, as long as people are showing interest, I'll keep posting it.

A lot of this is backstory right now - the more interesting stuff is still to come!

Sorry for the double-post ;)

Chapter Fifteen – Nell’s story

A term or so later, there was talk of the separate building for the middles – St. Clare’s, as it later was – being finished. Mademoiselle sent for me one evening when I was lazing in the staffroom, having finished my marking and not feeling like going to bed just yet – not while Con was in the staffroom to talk with, anyhow.

“Ah, Nell,” she greeted me. “Sit down, cherie.” I did, and looked expectantly at her. “I expect you are wondering why I’ve called you here?” she asked.

“I was, rather.”

“Well, I shall tell you quickly.” She smiled. “It is that Madame and I have decided that you are to be head of the new middle house. We hope to have it ready for the start of next term, and we feel that you are the one to take on this responsibility.”

I confess, I hadn’t thought much about that. I’m not much for wanting promotions, even now, and I certainly wasn’t then. I was happy enough that you got the job of senior mistress and then Headmistress, because back then, I wanted to spend all my free time either walking or climbing or swimming – with Con, of course. By this point, I suppose that we were well on our way to being rather insular, spending all our free time together. And I knew that I’d have a lot less free time if I’d been chosen. And now I was chosen for this!

“You do not look happy,” Thérèse observed. “Why is that, Nell?”

“Oh… it’s just a shock. I never expected…”

“But why not?” she asked. “You have been here a long time – longer, even than Hilda. You know our customs, and you are very good with the girls. You were the natural choice.”

It took me a little while to pluck up the courage to ask the next question. “Who will be there with me?”

“You will have four of the prefects – Joey, Frieda, Simone and Marie. And as for the Staff, there will be Grace Nalder, a new matron, and Madame and I thought that you would like to stay with Con, as she is your close friend, yes?”

“Yes,” I murmured, hardly able to stop myself from smiling. She talked a bit more, but I was just aching to get back and talk it over with Con. “May I tell her?”

“But of course.” Thérèse smiled at me, apparently relieved that I looked happier. “If you have no questions, go and do that now, cherie.”

I raced back to the staffroom and grabbed Con by the arm. “I have news!” I hissed in her ear, and she looked up.

“News? What is it?”

“Come with me, and I’ll tell you.” I tidied away the mug in front of her, and waited – most impatiently! – for her to be ready. Once she was, I dragged her up to my room. “The new chalet for the middles is to be ready for next term.”

“That isn’t news,” Con replied. “I’ve known that for ages, we all have.”

“Yes, but who do you think is going to be in charge?” I demanded.

“Hilda?”

“No.” I took pity on her. “Me. And you’ll be there too, and Grace.”

“Oh, Nell – congratulations!” Con beamed and threw her arms around me. She did it so suddenly – if it had been slower, I would have moved away. I was very shy of touching her, although I desperately craved hugs and affection from her, afraid that she would guess that I was attracted to her. As a result, she probably thought me rude and abrupt at times. She was quite demonstrative and affectionate with her friends, and I was the opposite – still am, I suppose.

I’m sure my face was red when she released me. “Thank you.”

“Oh, this is thrilling!” Con exclaimed. “I would have hated to have been left behind, without you.”

I turned that comment over in my mind for a long time.
Author:  Fatima [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 4:37 am ]
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It's nice to see Nell so happy. Thanks Lulu.
Author:  Grembles [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 7:17 am ]
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I am still really enjoying this - please keep posting. I just don't plead for more from people cos it doesn't seem fair as I never write drabbles.
Author:  Alison H [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 7:45 am ]
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Please keep posting - I'm really enjoying this!
Author:  janem [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 8:20 am ]
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Me too. This is a sub plot that never occured to me in the real books, so I'm finding it fascinating.
Author:  claireM [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 12:01 pm ]
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I don't very often get round to posting on drabbles, but I am reading and enjoying this and would like to get to read all of it.
Author:  Lulu [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 12:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thank you :) I think I was just having an attack of insecurity last night - this is fairly difficult subject matter to broach really, especially set in this time period, and I'm always pretty scared that I'm making some big faux pas.

This part is set during New House - Jo tells Madge that Miss Wilson's unwell and hasn't been right for a while (about the time when Marie tells them about the Baron). No explanation is given and she suddenly recovers, which makes me think that it can't have been very serious.

Chapter Sixteen – Nell’s story

As the next term began, and we settled into the new house, Con and I grew closer. Grace, although lovely, was quieter and didn’t care to spend so much time with us – besides, she was often busy with sports. Having that idiot of a Matron, Con and I were able to stay up later than usual talking, either in our own little sitting room, or in our bedrooms. Many were the mornings I’d wake up to find Con lying on my sofa, or sprawled next to me on my bed, and I wouldn’t know exactly when we’d fallen asleep.

I’d be plaiting my hair for bed, and I’d hear a knock on the door, and it would be Con, dressed for bed but wide awake. “Nell?” she’d ask, quietly. “Do you mind if I come in?”

I’d look up at her and catch my breath every time I saw her like that, her hair loose, bare-footed, and so beautiful. “Mind?” I’d repeat, incredulously. “Lord, you know I’d never mind.”

The first night she came in, she sat down on my bed, and I almost gasped at her audacity as she patted the spot next to her. “Sit down,” she invited, and I did, automatically.

“Matey wouldn’t approve,” I commented, and she laughed.

“Matey wouldn’t approve of me being here at all.” There was a wicked twinkle in her eye, and I couldn’t help but laugh also, even as I wondered about her motives.

On those nights, we’d smoke, talk, sometimes play cards if we happened to have any, and generally spend our time doing anything but sleeping.

Of course, all that can’t go on forever. It’s impossible to function on three or four hours of broken sleep per night, and I got my comeuppance. With a few weeks to go until the end of term, I was feeling awful. My work suffered, I’m sure the girls noticed, I felt as though I was always tired, and in the end, I took to my bed for a few days of solid sleep. Con never suffered that way, but I don’t think she ever lay awake to watch me sleep, as I did for her.

Then again, when I was in bed for those few days, every time I woke, she was at my side.
Author:  Alison H [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 12:12 pm ]
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Thanks Lulu. Please don't feel insecure - this is really interesting. It's just so sad that it all has to end in tears :cry: .
Author:  Miranda [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 12:20 pm ]
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This is fascinating Lulu, please do keep posting! I'm glad there's a lot to look forward to, even if it doesn't involve Nell and Con being together. I love the way that you've worked in little moments from the books :D Thank you.
Author:  Dawn [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 2:42 pm ]
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Another one who doens't post often :oops: but is loving this

thankyou Lulu
Author:  Tara [ Fri Sep 22, 2006 10:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
Lulu, I'm not posting at the moment as I'm not terribly well, but have de-lurked to tell you that I'm still reading and very much enjoying this. Please go on until the end.

I'd wondered what on earth was wrong with Nell at that time, EBD forgot about it!
Author:  Nell [ Sat Sep 23, 2006 11:30 am ]
Post subject: 
Alos reading this - its really intersting. Thanks Lulu
Author:  Lulu [ Sat Sep 23, 2006 6:02 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thank you :)

Chapter Seventeen – Nell’s story

This is the bit you’ve been waiting for, I expect. As I’ve said, Con and I had been getting a lot closer. The affection between us felt natural, and I was beginning to lose my inhibitions around her – I dared to hug her occasionally, or to lean against her while we sprawled on the bed together. I still second-guessed myself a lot, and would often pull away awkwardly from her, unsure how much was friendship and how much was taking liberties with her.

The term when Thérèse was first taken ill, Con too was quite unwell. She was never in such danger, but she was very weak for a long time, and I did worry about her. All of you concentrated on Thérèse – and I’m not saying that that was wrong. Had I known she would never come back to us, I would have done the same. I confess that Con was uppermost in my prayers back then, with Thérèse being an afterthought. But, you see, Con was in a lot of pain at first, but she was terrified of being a burden on an already over-worked staff. I tried to keep the worst of Thérèse’s illness from her, but I couldn’t hide something of that magnitude.

As she had sat with me those days when I was over-tired, I paid her the same courtesy, and tried to spend the majority of my free time with her. She looked so pale on the first morning when I knocked gingerly on her door that I almost ran back out again.

“You look awful,” were the first words out of my mouth.

She grimaced at me. “Thank you, Nell. I can always rely on you to make me feel better.” Her voice was weak and croaky.

I sat down on the edge of her bed. “Are you feeling very bad?”

“Just this wretched throat… and I feel so warm…” She struggled to sit up before coughing.

I clasped her hand briefly, and was shocked at its heat. “You stay quiet then, and I’ll talk.” She nodded gratefully. “Jo’s taking some of your classes, so you needn’t worry about them – and don’t worry about Jo, either! She can cope with it; it’ll be a good thing for her.”

“How?” she croaked.

“I said be quiet,” I reminded her. “Well, she’d be likely to worry about the illness at Die Rosen, wouldn’t she? And Hilda mentioned something about her book that made sense – if she wants to write school stories, she should have an idea about the teaching side of things.”

“Mmm.” Con nodded.

“Everyone sends their best wishes and hopes you get better soon – but you’re not to rush, mind!” I added, afraid that she would think the school couldn’t function without her. “We can manage without you, and we want you to be healthy as soon as possible.”

“Will try.” She was looking sleepy now, and I stood up as she lay back down. “I’m sorry, Nell, I just feel so tired…”

“Don’t you dare apologise for that, Con Stewart.” I stroked her hair gently, and watched as her eyelids fluttered shut. Kneeling down beside the bed to watch her, I felt a sudden rush of love and protectiveness for the beautiful woman in front of me.

Very, very hesitantly, I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, moving back in alarm as she immediately opened her eyes.
Author:  Alison H [ Sat Sep 23, 2006 7:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
Wonder how Con's going to react.

It must have been so hard for everyone when Mlle became ill - we don't really seem to see much of the effects on the rest of the staff in the books.
Author:  Nell [ Mon Sep 25, 2006 2:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hmm how does she react then?
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Sep 26, 2006 12:50 am ]
Post subject: 
I've struggled with this chapter - having obviously had no experience of lesbian relationships in the '30s, it's all guesswork ;) Be gentle!

Chapter Eighteen – Nell’s story

“Oh…” I stood up and began to make for the door. “Con, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you...”

“It’s about time that you did,” she murmured, smiling at me.

“What?” I didn’t think that I could have heard her correctly.

“I said,” she replied, her voice sounding slightly stronger, “That it’s about bloody time you did that, Nell Wilson.”

There was a pause, during which time I simply stared at her.

“Have you gone deaf?” she teased, although I thought I saw a hint of panic in her eyes. “Nell, come and sit down – I can’t talk so loudly for very long, my dear.”

“I was going – I should leave you alone to sleep.” My voice was high and entirely strange to me. It was the queerest sensation; I felt as though I was watching the scene from somewhere above the room.

The next moment, I was returned to the present with a jerk, as Con began to get out of bed. “Con! You mustn’t do that…”

“Then come and sit with me,” she urged, grabbing my hand. In the few moments she’d been out of bed, she had become icily cold, and I hurried to wrap her quilt around her.

“You’re frozen, Con. You shouldn’t have done that,” I told her, hardly daring to touch her as I helped her back into bed.

“I had no choice. You were just going to run off, weren’t you?” she demanded.

“You need your sleep…”

“No, I’d like my sleep. I need to know what you were meaning by that kiss.” Con fixed me with a steely glare, and I wilted. I didn’t know how to explain myself, and after a little while, she took pity on me. “I know, Nell.”

“What?”

“I’m not stupid.” She coughed, and I felt a pang of remorse for making her speak when she was in so much pain.

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled, sounding like a sullen child.

“Not to me.” She held out her hand to me. “Sit down, Nell.” Dumbly, I did. “Nell… are you – I mean, do you – really?”

“How did you guess?”

Con looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, before clasping my hand. “The way you act around me: you seem so embarrassed when I hug you, you blush – I’ve never seen you blush around anyone else. You always stiffen when I hug you, but you never pull away…” She trailed off. “Nell, I see so much of myself in your actions. I would try to keep my distance – I know that I probably should – but I – I know that if we both did that, then we’d be nowhere; I’d lose you. And I couldn’t bear that,” she added, quietly.

“So you’re saying…?” I left my question open, unsure of what she was implying.

“I’m saying that I understand how you feel.” A smile illuminated her face – and probably mine too. At the time, I thought how beautiful it was that we could discuss such important things without words. It didn’t take me long to realise that it wasn’t a matter of being able to – it was a matter of having to. There were no words.
Author:  Nell [ Tue Sep 26, 2006 9:57 am ]
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Ah - well done Con she's right if she'd left it to Nell nothing would have happened!
Author:  Miranda [ Tue Sep 26, 2006 12:14 pm ]
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AwwWW how lovely! Poor Con with that "hint of panic in her eyes", and Nell being so reluctant. And that she sees so much of herself in Nell - that must have given her the courage to make the move.

*trying to forget that it doesn't last*

Beautiful, thank you.
Author:  Hannah-Lou [ Tue Sep 26, 2006 2:13 pm ]
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I've just discovered this, and am really enjoying it. Please keep posting it! (Though I'm another one who has no right to ask, as I never write drabbles myself.) I've never been sure of stories like this, as I don't want to spoil my childish innocent perceptions of the books, but this sucked me in right from the start, and I couldn't stop reading it. Which is unfortunate as I ought to be working. Oh well!
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:33 pm ]
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Miranda, I've found it so hard remembering that it doesn't last - they seem so lovely and have become so real to me that it's heartbreaking realising that, no matter how much I'd like them to, they never could have stayed together. Damn Jock. :lol:

Chapter Nineteen - Nell's Story

I had to leave her, obviously. She was tired and I could see that it was an effort for her to speak. And so, after a tentative kiss on the forehead, I reluctantly went to the Thirds, to try and drum something into their little heads. It wasn’t long before half-term, and I had my work cut out trying to keep their attention. I was glad of it, to be honest – had they been good and quiet, I would have daydreamt my way through the lesson.

I was busy all morning, and it was only thanks to you that I was able to go and see Con later on – I was, and still am, very grateful for that. You took over my walk duty, even though it must have been a very busy time for you too. You said that you understood how anxious I was about Con. I was almost bursting with the effort of keeping quiet, you know. Had things been different, I would have told you. If only.

Con was sitting up in bed when I went to her, eyes closed, rosary laced through her fingers, and her bible on the bed. Feeling as though I was intruding on something very private, I leant against the doorframe, standing very still, until her eyes opened.

“Nell,” she greeted me, softly. I’m sure that I didn’t imagine the light in her eyes, the warmth of her voice. It was all so different now, and I marvelled at it. And she said that it was never love…!

Oh, she could have taken anything from me, and she took this memory. I can never forgive that.

But then… I was so happy, and it was so unlike anything I had known before. When she looked at me like that, my heart leapt. It took all my self-control not to rush to her and hold her to me. “Con,” I smiled. “How are you feeling now?”

“My throat’s still sore, my head aches, and Matey says I have a temperature,” she replied. “But that means nothing. I need to talk to you. I need you here with me.”

“And I need to be here.” All hesitations gone, I sat down on her bed, and caressed her hands gently. “Why the Bible?” I asked, looking at it dubiously.

“I wanted… guidance,” she faltered, not meeting my eyes.

“Guidance?” I repeated, feeling my stomach clench. “Did you – did you find guidance?”

Con considered this. “I… I wanted to know whether it – whether – is it wrong, Nell? Do you believe that it would be wrong? Does God?”

“Oh, Con…” I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her fingers before replying. “I don’t presume to answer for God. But… I don’t believe that He could ever condemn love. That was Christ’s Commandment, wasn’t it? ‘I give you a new commandment, that you love one another.’ [1] To Him, that was worth more than any other commandments given.”

“But – this love?” Con paused. “Nell, we’re both women. The Church… God… everyone… they won’t see it as normal, will they?”

“Do you see it as normal?”

She looked down for a long time, before bringing her gaze to meet mine. “No,” she told me, quietly. “Nell, my feelings for you…” she trailed off.

“I love you,” I whispered, fiercely. “I have loved you for so long, and wanted to tell you for so long, and it seems too good to be true that I finally am allowed to. And if you want me to put those feelings away, then – I will.” My voice cracked. “It will be no harder than it was before. I will be your friend and we will never speak of this again.”

“No…” she interjected.

I shook my head. “I mean it. If that’s what you want – or need – then I can do it. I would do anything that you asked of me. But oh, if you could find it in your heart to love me… to be with me…” There was nothing more to say – she knew it all.

“May I ask you a question?” I nodded my head in assent, and she continued. “Your – your love… is it… do you…?”

Taking pity on her, I shook my head. “Con, I think that you’re beautiful. But I would love you whether you were or not. Had you been a man, I would have loved you. As it is, I love you, just for who you are – that you are a beautiful woman makes no difference.”

Con nodded, slowly. “I needed that reassurance. I didn’t doubt you, but… one worries. One wonders. I do love you, Nell. And I – you are very attractive to me. And the thought of – of being with you…” Her smile told me her answer, even before she quoted softly, “‘Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.’” [2]

I leant my head towards hers, and kissed her.

[1] John 13:34
[2] 1 John 4:7
Author:  Nell [ Wed Sep 27, 2006 9:45 am ]
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Indications that they won't always fine it easy to reconcile their love and their faith or at least Con won't.
Author:  Lulu [ Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:08 am ]
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Chapter Twenty – Nell’s story

Hilda, I hope you don’t think that I forced her into anything. I might have said that she was uncertain, and what with the way that she ended things – you could be forgiven for assuming that she wasn’t quite willing. But that wasn’t the case, I’m sure of it. I was willing to step back if she had wanted that – thank God, she hadn’t. But the decision was ultimately hers.

She had to think about it, and we did have to talk about it, but she didn’t always feel like that. We were so happy together, and she did love me – that couldn’t have been an act, could it? In her letter, she told me that she never had, but I don’t believe her. No, it’s more than that – I cannot let myself believe her, because if I do, she will have taken everything from me.

“Don’t tell anyone,” she whispered urgently to me as I left her room that day. It was a silly warning – there was no one that I would have told. She was my closest friend. And this was very private. I suppose I knew even then that it would have to be so secretive. I’d known all along that these feelings weren’t quite right, not by society’s ideas, and it seemed that Con understood that too.

We were very shy at first – I spent a lot of time with her, but we didn’t do very much. We didn’t even talk, really, because she was still poorly, and wasn’t getting better as fast as anyone would have liked. I’d just hold her.

And then she went home to recuperate. When I heard it suggested, I wanted to badly to argue against the idea. I wanted to beg Matey and Dr Jem to reconsider – we had had so little time together. And going home, the distance between us, could never be beneficial. I knew that Con was still wavering occasionally, and I wanted to be there for her during her crises of faith.

I was taking a lesson with the Sixths when Matey came over to my desk. “Con’s asking for you,” she said in an undertone.

“Oh… does she want me?” I asked, standing up. “Go on with your work, girls,” I told my class, and fairly ran to be with Con.

“What’s the matter?” I greeted her.

She clutched at my hands. “Nell, they’re talking of sending me home for the rest of the term.”

“Yes, I’ve heard.” My voice was quiet.

“Poor dear, it’s hard on you.” She pulled me down onto the bed next to her.

“It is, rather,” I replied, before remembering that her recovery was the most important thing. “But you need to get better – and you’re far more likely to rest at home.”

“I’ll miss you, though.” She broke off and coughed, and I was again reminded of how weak she was.

“I hope you do,” I teased her. “But I’ll write.”

“And I hope you do,” she returned, her eyes dancing.

I did, of course. Not too often, because I worried that her family would get suspicious – after all, what schoolmistress has the time to write to a friend every day when she’s working? And I kept my letters light and chatty, afraid that other people might see them – Con would drop a sheet on the floor, her brother would pick it up, catch sight of a term of endearment…

But Con, it seemed, had no such worries about me. A lot of her letters were almost poetic, they were so romantic. I’m not a sentimental soul, and some of them did make me blush. But they were beautiful.

And all lost, of course, when we fled from Austria.
Author:  Nell [ Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:09 pm ]
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How sad losing the letters like that.

Thank you Lulu
Author:  Alison H [ Mon Oct 02, 2006 9:14 pm ]
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They must have lost all sorts of things of great sentimental value when they had to leave so suddenly :cry: .

Thanks Lulu.
Author:  Lulu [ Sat Oct 14, 2006 2:27 am ]
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Apologies for the delay - I've posted elsewhere on the board that I've had "freshers' flu" (have decided that I'm recovered now, and tomorrow I'm disinfecting my room as a celebration), but more specifically for the delay here is the fact that I've had a few personal issues that have made this really hard to write, as it hits fairly close to home.

Hopefully, though, there will be more updates fairly quickly. :)

(Oh, and if you feel that it's no longer appropriate to be here, then feel free to move it.)

Chapter Twenty-One – Nell’s story

It felt as though years passed before we met again.

Of course, it was only weeks – two months, perhaps, at most. I was at the school before she was, having only been to the Sonnalpe, and the last few days before she returned were agonising. I was nervous, and even as I realised that, I realised that it was strange: for weeks, all I’d wanted was to have her at my side, to be able to hold her and talk to her – and yes, to kiss her. And now that she would be coming back… I was terrified. I’d wanted her to be mine for so long, but I had never really allowed myself to think about being with her. Fairly often, I would catch myself off guard and find myself thinking that she was beautiful. I’d admitted to myself long ago that I was besotted with her, I loved her. But that was where my thoughts ended.

As I’ve said, she wasn’t the first woman I’d been with, nor even the second. I wasn’t naïve. I was, however, very aware that my relationship with Con was complicated. For so long, I had been so guarded around her, so wary of what I said and did, second-guessing myself constantly. And suddenly it seemed that I didn’t have to do that any longer.

Strange as it may seem, it was disconcerting. Hilda, never doubt for a minute that I wanted to be with her. I always wanted that, and even whilst I was terrified, I was looking forward to her return. I was… confused, shall we say? over how to act around her.

Her letters were a godsend to me over those days. They were my validation, proof positive that it was real, and that she did feel something for me, when I could so easily have doubted. All the same, I was nervous. I suppose that I was a little sad that something so wonderful was over, even though I knew that something more amazing was to come.

When she did return, I was in the staffroom with you and some of the others. She was one of the last to arrive, of course. Typical, I remember thinking to myself. When I want – when I need – to see her, she stays away. But arrive she did, eventually.

“Hello, everyone!” She was always second only to Joey in entering a room. She commanded people’s attention, didn’t she? Doesn’t she, I suppose I should say. I’m talking as if she’s dead.

I was so careful not to look up too eagerly, and I tried so hard to control my blushes. It felt as though my face was on fire, and I was so sure that everyone would be looking at me and knowing.

“What a horrible journey,” Con was saying to the staffroom at large, although her eyes were fixed on me. “I plan to unpack and go straight to bed. I’m exhausted. Oh,” she added hurriedly, realising that Gwynneth was there, “I’m quite healthy now, it was just the journey.”

“Quite understandable,” was the response she got. “And I quite agree – off to bed with you, and I suggest that you leave your unpacking until the morning.”

“Oh, no. I’m perfectly able to do it tonight – Nell, would you lend a hand, though?”

I stood up almost automatically. “Of course.”

“I knew you would,” she said, smiling. “Come on then.” The moment the door had closed behind us, she was leaning close to me and whispering in my ear. “Oh, my girl, I have missed you.”

I didn’t reply until we were safely in her room, with the door shut. She leaned against it, and we faced one another shyly. I reached out and twirled a lock of her hair around my finger, and, as I did so, had to smile: she looked as nervous as I felt. Seeing that somehow gave me strength.

Stepping towards her, I let myself hold her in my arms, and finally allowed myself to kiss her.
Author:  Alison H [ Sat Oct 14, 2006 8:48 am ]
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Glad you're feeling better, but sorry that you've been having problems. Thanks for the update :D .
Author:  janem [ Sat Oct 14, 2006 9:12 am ]
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Glad you are feeling up to continuing. I am enjoying this very much.

Freshers Flu is awful isn't it? Hope everything else sorts itself too.
Author:  Lulu [ Tue Oct 17, 2006 1:47 am ]
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Problems seem to have solved themselves for the time being, for which I'm very grateful, so here's the next part. Thanks for your replies! :)

Chapter Twenty-One

After a few moments, we eased away from each other. Suddenly shyer than I had been, I found that I couldn’t look her in the eye, so I leant my head against her shoulder. Her arms laced their way around my waist, and I closed my eyes to appreciate the beauty of it all. I don’t know how long we stayed like that – all I know is that it wasn’t long enough.

At first, I noticed everything. I can have no regrets for those first few weeks. But after that… I was complacent, I suppose. Sometimes I’d wake in the night and not watch Con sleeping, not memorise how her hair looked against the sheets, not cuddle closer to her. You can’t imagine how much I regret that now. At times I think that I could almost – almost – regret loving her, because all of the missed chances: they haunt me. I would regret anything if it meant that I wouldn’t feel so empty – whoever talked about it being better to have loved and lost is a fool. It would be far better not to know what true happiness is if it’s then to be taken away like this.

We didn’t spend long together on her first night back, because Gwynneth – who probably knew even then, didn’t she? Why else would she have come all the way over to St. Clare’s? – arrived within half an hour to tell me to go, and to bring Con some sort of dose to make her sleep. No wonder she knew, really. The moment she’d knocked at the door, I had leapt towards the other side of the room, and was staring out of the window, trying to hide my blushes.

Having handed Con the cup of doctored milk, she withdrew quietly, and Con glared at the cup with some distaste. “Why does she think I’ll have trouble sleeping tonight?”

“Just pour it away if you don’t want it,” I suggested. “As long as you rinse the sink afterwards, there’d be no reason for her to find out.”

She giggled – there really is no other word for it. “Not just a pretty face, are you?”

“You think I’m pretty?”

She poured the milk away before answering. “Of course I do, my girl.” She caught one of my hands in hers. “Very pretty, in fact.”

“Well… thank you.” I know I was awkward with it; I just was not quite used to that sort of compliment. “I’ve got a present for you, by the way.”

“A present?” she repeated.

“A Christmas present. I know it’s a little late, but you left so early…” I stood up. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

She smiled. “I have one for you too, now that you mention it. You run along – I’ll be waiting when you get back.”

She was as good as her word, and was sitting cross-legged on her bed as I returned, caressing with my thumb the small box in my hand. I sat down next to her – far closer than I usually did, joy of joys! – and handed her little parcel over. “Merry Christmas,” I told her, accompanying it with a light kiss.

Even before she unwrapped it, I knew that she had seen the empty place on my neck, where I usually wore the crucifix which had been my mother’s. I felt curiously naked without it, and had almost choked on a sob when I took it off for the first time in years. “You’d like her,” I had promised my mother that night, and – not for the first time – had ached for a reply from her, reassuring me that she was watching over me and making sure that I – we – would be fine. There are some things that you just need to share with your mother, and not to be able to do it takes away some of the joy.

“Oh, Nell…” Con’s whisper was shocked, as she held up the fine chain. “This was…”

“My mother’s.” I took it from her and put it on her, letting my hand linger on the back of her neck. “I think – I think she would have liked you. I would have liked you to have known her. This is… it’s the nearest I can come to that.”

There was a ferocity about her hug that suggested she, too, was close to tears. “Then thank you. I’m so grateful, Nell.” Her words were muffled, but I didn’t dare to move my head from her shoulder for a moment, afraid that I would cry – on this, one of the happiest of nights. She must have understood, because she didn’t pull away, not until I did, murmuring my thanks and apologies.

“Don’t be silly,” she scolded, placing a finger on my lips. “You – you’re so good, Nell.” She looked doubtfully at her own parcel. “And what I have for you is nothing in comparison…”

She was lying. The bracelet that she gave to me had obviously cost her a lot of money, and it was beautiful. As I put it on, she stroked my wrist gently. “I did want you to have something from me, and I didn’t really know what to buy for you, but… I wanted you to have something,” she repeated.

“It’s beautiful,” I reassured her. “Thank you.” We were silent for a few moments, just appreciating each other’s company.

“Now,” I roused from our reverie after a little while. “Are you going to be good and obey Matey and go to bed?”

“Are you going to stay?” she asked.

I had thought this over. Although my room felt empty without her, I knew that things were different now. What we could do as friends had so many other meanings when we were… as we were then. However you wish to describe it. “No… not tonight. It’s – things have changed.” There was understanding in her eyes as she nodded.

“It’s probably for the best. For a little while, anyway.” As she kissed me goodnight, I could have sworn that she thanked me.
Author:  Alison H [ Tue Oct 17, 2006 7:49 am ]
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Nell must have felt so strongly about Con to have given her something of her late mother's.

& what is Matey up to?
Author:  Tara [ Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:03 am ]
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I am really feeling with Nell here, Lulu. The nerves, the second-guessing of herself, the awkwardness, the wistful yearning for all that as the relationship moves into something more complicated, the crippling self-consciousness and the feeling that everyone else must see it ...

And the sadness of her talking about Con in the past, as if she's dead.

I understand so well, too, the impulse to give her something of real significance and importance. I suppose that Nell will have lost that, too, unless Con had the sensitivity to return it - though that would have been awful as well.

Thanks for this.
Author:  Hannah-Lou [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 5:03 pm ]
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This is beautiful. Must remember only to read it when my office-mate isn't here though, I'm close to tears :( .

Sorry things haven't been so good for you recently, and glad they're better now, Lulu. Hope they continue better!
Author:  Lulu [ Thu Nov 16, 2006 1:42 pm ]
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I spoke too soon when I said that things were better, and I'm really sorry for the delay. :(

I hope to get some more up by the end of the weekend, at least.
Author:  RoseCloke [ Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:35 pm ]
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I joined CBB this afternoon and yours was the first fic I read. You've captured the characters perfectly - I've only recently begun rereading the Chalet books and I have to say I saw Nell and Con's relationship in a completely different light. To my way of thinking (although probably not EBD's!) this story completely explains why they failed to remain close after Con married.

Anyway, just to say that even if you don't post any more (I'm a 1st year UG so I know how hectic things can get), this was a great introduction to the fandom, thank you :-)
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