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The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10
http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1306

Author:  Aquabird [ 12 Sep 2006, 16:31 ]
Post subject:  The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

Was accosted by a PB this morning whilst drying my hair, but couldn't get round to writing it until fourth period today.

The Diary of Hilda Jones

Friday 25th November

Milky coffees: 10 (v. bad), cream cakes: 7 (improvement), times advocated the use of “can” and “may”: 20 (excellent)

6:30am
Wake up from bizarre dream involving angelic Middles. Huh.

7:00am
At Frühstück. Lower IVa are having a kicking fight under the table. Temper justice with mercy. Wonder if anything nice has come in the post?

8:30am
Ah, refreshing breeze of early morning ramble wakes self up. Take Prayers in good mood.

9:00am
In study. Post has come; usual deluge of bills, letters from parents demanding prospectuses, letters from parents complaining about the school, letters from parents rhapsodising about the school, etc. Shout Rosalie-Shazzer in from next door and dictate some letters.

9:30am
Nell-Jude dropped by for a quick chat. Should really be getting on with correspondence, but after all, is one month till Christmas, and have been working hard all morning. Will just have quick cup of coffee and cream cake. Gah, someone at the door.

9:45am
Was Gaudenz-Darcy. Jack Lambert and her crew have Golden Syrup-ed the doors again. Spend fifteen minutes calming Gaudenz-Darcy down in manner of person calming enraged tiger. Send for Jack Lambert et al and have calming fag. Must remember to temper justice with mercy. After all, am famous for it.

9:55am
Gave Jack and the gang serious lecture on “helping”, and told them to give up Saturday night to clean the doors.

10:00am
Have English with Vb, who are proving extraordinarily stupid today. Exert never-ending patience in hopes of gaining an intelligent answer. Wish could have a coffee.

11:00am
Back in study. Is Break, thank goodness, so can relax. Have mid-morning fag, coffee and cakes in warm study. Is v. cosy. In fact, feeling v. sleepy…

12:30pm
Oh, Bloody Hell. Am late for Mittagessen.

12:32pm
Phew. Everyone thought I was held up on phone. Did not bother to correct them.

4:00pm
Was working hard when Joey-Rebecca strolled in. Does this woman think I don’t have WORK to do? Had to have Kaffee with her, and she eats all the creamy cakes. Humph.

8:00pm
Am exhausted. Spent forty minutes on phone to one parent insisting that daughter Tessa is doing fine in lessons. Parent would not be satisfied. Will have comfort snack of coffee and cream cake. Mmmm.

9:30pm
In bed now. V. v. sleepy. Just 30 days to go until the holidays…

Author:  Fatima [ 12 Sep 2006, 16:35 ]
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Fab idea! Thanks Aquabird. :D

Author:  Mia [ 12 Sep 2006, 16:45 ]
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Oh how funny! Thank you.

*wants more please!*

Author:  Miranda [ 12 Sep 2006, 16:47 ]
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Brilliant!!

Number of laughs from single post: 20+ (excellent)! Am now thinking in diary-speak, must not talk to others while in this mood. May think i'm weird...

Well done aquabird!

Author:  Elle [ 12 Sep 2006, 17:13 ]
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Hah! Fantastic!

Author:  Kate [ 12 Sep 2006, 17:46 ]
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Oh wow, what a fantastic idea! :)

Thanks Aquabird!

Author:  Lesley [ 12 Sep 2006, 17:47 ]
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Oh wonderful - love that she fell asleep and was late for Mitagessen! :lol:

Thank you.

Author:  Aquabird [ 12 Sep 2006, 17:48 ]
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If anybody else wants to do one, please do! :)

The Diary of Joey Jones

Tuesday 11th June

Cream cakes: 20 (v.g), no. of new girls reformed: 0 (v. v. v. bad), children: 11 (must improve)

11:00am
Yawn and turn over. Do not need to get up right away. Have Anna and Rösli to do the housework and childcare, after all.

11:15am
Anna brought breakfast in bed wearing v. fetching French maid uniform. Suspect she was in Interlaken again last night.

12:10pm
Get up and have long soak in bathtub. Soap is covered in teeth marks and slobber. Bruno must have got hold of it again.

3:00pm
V. bored. Think will go over to the school and see if am needed. After all, am school’s prize butter-in. Have not reformed any new girls AT ALL this term! Will lose position as spirit of the school at this rate!

3:15pm
Humph. Hilda was v. short with self. Said she was v. busy with correspondence, whatever that is. Console self with fag and lemon biscuits.

3:30pm
Hurrah! Hilary-Shazzer and Biddy-Jude called to invite self to chalet for Kaffee! Will have v. cosy time indulging in reminiscences of Tirol.

5:00pm
Back at Freudesheim. Still another two hours before Jack-Darcy comes home. Was bloody good fun at Hilary-Shazzer’s and Biddy-Jude’s. Knocked back 5 milky coffees and, er, 11 cream cakes. Was sick all over Phil-Cleaver and Eugen-Tom when met them at front door on way out.

8:00pm
Was snoozing by fire when Jack-Darcy came home. Anna had gone out for the night (again), so had to make him some Abendessen myself. Suspect am next Jamie Oliver after seeing Jack-Darcy’s eyes widen when he tasted the inventive sandwiches I had made for him. Ohhh, telephone.

8:10pm
Was Hilda.
“Is that you, Joey? Margot has been listening to her devil again. She got into a jealous fight with Odette Mercier over Con. I thought she’d learnt her lesson after Len and Ted, but it seems not. I’m sorry, but I can’t accept any more of her behaviour. I have had no choice but to suspend Margot until further notice.”
DOOOOOOM.

9:00pm
Oh, my only aunt! Had to fetch Margot from school straight away. Was unable to scold when saw how upset she was, but Jack-Darcy was furious and won’t have anything to do with her. Must console unruly daughter myself.

10:00pm
In bed now. Jack-Darcy is still v. angry with Margot and is not talking to me either. Suspect will not be busy again for a while.

Author:  Elle [ 12 Sep 2006, 17:53 ]
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Aquabird wrote:
In bed now. Jack-Darcy is still v. angry with Margot and is not talking to me either. Suspect will not be busy again for a while.



*splutters hysterically*


This is marvellous. I have had such a cr*p day at work and this has cheered me up no end!

Author:  Liane [ 12 Sep 2006, 18:18 ]
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Very very funny, thanks

Author:  Chair [ 12 Sep 2006, 18:31 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird! That has really cheered me up! While I was reading that, I sent a text and the text resembled the style of the diary even though it wasn't intentional!

Author:  Carys [ 12 Sep 2006, 21:19 ]
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Brilliant! :lol:

Author:  Alison H [ 12 Sep 2006, 21:41 ]
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Absolutely brilliant! Especially the "Children: 11" bit :lol: :lol: :lol: !

Author:  Aquabird [ 12 Sep 2006, 21:58 ]
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Have an obsession with cream cakes today for some reason...

The Diary of Nancy Jones

Tuesday 7th December

No. of cream cakes: 0 (excellent), cigarettes: 8 (v.g.)

6:00am
Up bright and early and go out for quick ski. New diet and exercise plan going v. v. well. Spot Jeanne-Perpetua skimming over snow like crimson-feathered bird. Humph.

7:00am
In Speisesaal for Frühstück. Try not to look at tempting plates of bacon, eggs, fried fish and sausages. Content self with bread twists and coffee.

8:00am
Out again with Upper IVb for brisk morning walk. Tell off group of girls for going too near the railway line.

9:10am
Trying to explain quadratics to Va. Feel like tearing hair instead. Want cream cake desperately. No, no, mustn’t, mustn’t.

10:20am
Ah, VIa, a class who know what they’re doing. Am sitting at desk, pretending to do corrections, trying to regain inner poise after almost succumbing to cream cake cravings, thanks to Va. Thank God Break is next, when can at least have a fag. Well, I can’t deprive myself of ALL pleasures, can I?

2:15pm
Have a free period now, so am having fag. Nicotine takes away craving for cream cakes, so they say. Will just finish this ciggie and then do 100 high kicks.

4:00pm
Kaffee und Kuchen, once a joy, is torture now. Am sitting beside Kathie, who is scoffing down cream cakes and jammy buns like no tomorrow. Am eating fruit. V. sad.

6:00pm
Really ought to get on with corrections, but can’t be bothered. Feeling v. depressed. Will have another fag.

8:30pm
Really must do those corrections.

9:55pm
Gah, is nearly ten o’clock, and corrections still not done! Will just have quick fag and then will DEFINITELY make a start.

10:00pm
Right. Have had nicotine boost. Will now do corrections. V. sleepy, though…

11:57pm
Sod it. Woke up in deserted, dark, freezing cold Staff room, with drool all over Con Maynard’s sums. Ew. Oh well, will go upstairs to Bedfordshire now. Corrections will just have to wait.

Author:  Kate [ 12 Sep 2006, 22:10 ]
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Hee! :) Poor Nancy. Thanks Aquabird!

Author:  Ruth B [ 12 Sep 2006, 22:13 ]
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Fantastic! Would laugh madly if it didn't make me cough violently!

Author:  Elle [ 12 Sep 2006, 22:17 ]
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Ruth B wrote:
Fantastic! Would laugh madly if it didn't make me cough violently!


Don't worry Ruth, I am laughing hard enough for two!

Author:  francesn [ 12 Sep 2006, 22:58 ]
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Same here!

This is a fabulous idea, really really fabulous. I congratulate you Aquabird!

Author:  Tara [ 12 Sep 2006, 23:01 ]
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This is wonderful! More, please. :D

Author:  Lesley [ 12 Sep 2006, 23:25 ]
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Rotten lot - the rest of the Staff leaving Nancy in the Staff Room! :lol:


Thank you.

Author:  Chair [ 12 Sep 2006, 23:30 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird. My sister calls it Bedfordshire sometimes as well.

Author:  Pado [ 13 Sep 2006, 01:35 ]
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Anna in French maid's uniform?!?

:D

This is wonderful!!

Author:  Aquabird [ 13 Sep 2006, 23:19 ]
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Will be unable to post again until Saturday as am going up to Perth tomorrow lunchtime for cousin's wedding on Friday. V. excited. Damn; am talking in diary speak. :wink:

The Diary of A Naughty Middle Jones

Friday 7th February

Slang fines: 4 (v. bad), order marks: 3 (g.), pranks played: 1 (must improve)

9:00am
V. bored. Am in geography, and Ferry-Perpetua is going on and on and on. Hate stupid geography. Feel as though course is devised entirely to bore us to death. Daren’t play a trick on Ferry-Perpetua, though; is too much on the spot. Will perhaps try something on Plato-Cleaver next period.

10:00am
Plato-Cleaver is in good mood. V.g. Will be good chance to play trick on him. Think will slip out and make noise outside window.

10:05am
Have whispered plan to fellow Naughty Middles Shazzer and Jude. They will cover for me. Put hand up and ask leave to get drink of water.

10:06am
Slipped out of side door and am standing outside music-room window. Can see Plato-Cleaver inside, lecturing on (who else?) Plato. What noise should I make? I know; a banshee.

10:07am
Ha! Plato-Cleaver was so startled he yelped! Can see fellow Naughty Middles having hysterics.
Wait. Is that footsteps coming round the corner?
Oh, no! It’s the Abbess!
DOOM!

11:00am
Oh, dear. Received v. sharp rebuke and two order marks for escapade, and am not allowed out of class for any reason now. Was worth it though. Will go and seek biscuits and milk from Speisesaal and then find Shazzer and Jude.

2:00pm
In needlework now. Hate needlework almost as much as geography. Am busy darning hole in bed sheet made during pillow fight last week. Shazzer offered to do it for me, in return for laugh this morning, but decided better not take up offer, as Mlle-Perpetua is in v. bad mood and would get into more trouble if caught.

8:00pm
In common room. Am v. popular after banshee incident this morning. Entertain form with more banshee impressions.

8:02pm
Was heard making banshee impressions by prefect passing common room. Given another order mark for playing the fool. V. sad.

8:30pm
In dormitory, having pillow fight. Am winning. Damn it; have kicked hole in newly-mended sheet again whilst trying to escape onslaught.

8:35pm
In bed now. V. sleepy. Must remember to hide torn sheet before Matey sees it tomorrow morning…Zzzzzzzz…

Author:  Lesley [ 13 Sep 2006, 23:38 ]
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Wonderful - very naughty Middle there!


Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Alison H [ 14 Sep 2006, 07:45 ]
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Thanks Amanda!

I sometimes write e-mails in Bridget-speak without realising I'm doing it :oops: !

Author:  pim [ 14 Sep 2006, 10:22 ]
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*giggling madly*

This is inspired :D

Author:  Chair [ 14 Sep 2006, 10:49 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird. I loved reading the diary of a naughty Middle!

Author:  LizB [ 14 Sep 2006, 23:12 ]
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Excellent! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Author:  Aquabird [ 16 Sep 2006, 17:22 ]
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The Diary of Matron Jones

Saturday 16th March

Middles told off: 17 (excellent), sheets hemmed: 21 (v.g.), sedatives given: 0 (sob)

6:00am
Up, bath and dress. Must be up v. early to catch Naughty Middles out of bed before rising bell.

6:10am
V. bored. Think will turn out linen cupboard.

6:20am
Gah, was nearly caught singing by Hilda-Perpetua, who was up uncharacteristically early wandering the corridors. Must not let her find out that have certain fondness for Elvis.

7:00am
Will go the rounds to check cubicles for untidiness.

9:00am
Humph. Will girls ever learn to strip beds and hump mattresses up properly? Found one whole dormitory in which everybody had done at least one thing wrong. Standards ought to be maintained, you know!

10:00am
V. bored again. Absolutely nobody is ill, so have nothing to do. Will just check sedatives in case of near-fatal accident occurrence.

10:01am
Sedatives are in order.

3:00pm
Hurrah! Was about to die of boredom when Joey walked in. Joey is darling, though wild horses will not drag it out of self. Spent v. cosy two hours discussing welfare of Joey’s horde of children and treatment of possible childhood illnesses. Recommended lots of bed-rest, hot milk and sedatives. Failing that, summon handsome doctor to the rescue. After all, has worked for me for last 20 years.

6:00pm
Humph. Must supervise Naughty Middles who are forfeiting Saturday night entertainment. Give them sheets which are v. difficult to hem in revenge for making me stay to supervise instead of seeing entertainment.

9:30pm
Have sent last Naughty Middle to Bedfordshire at long last. Can now go to said Bedfordshire myself. Must remember to be up early again tomorrow.

Author:  Fatima [ 16 Sep 2006, 17:36 ]
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I like Matey's fondness for Elvis!

Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Lesley [ 16 Sep 2006, 17:43 ]
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Poor Matey - no sedatives given! :lol:


Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Alison H [ 16 Sep 2006, 18:04 ]
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:lol: I'm loving this!

Author:  Chair [ 16 Sep 2006, 21:40 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird. It's great to find out that Matey is an Elvis fan!

Author:  Kate [ 16 Sep 2006, 21:45 ]
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Aquabird wrote:
Joey is darling, though wild horses will not drag it out of self.


*splutters* Brilliant, Aquabird!

Author:  Tara [ 16 Sep 2006, 22:25 ]
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks, Aquabird. Great fun.

Author:  Cath V-P [ 17 Sep 2006, 06:21 ]
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Most excellent! :lol: :lol:

Author:  LizB [ 17 Sep 2006, 11:48 ]
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Aquabird wrote:
Failing that, summon handsome doctor to the rescue. After all, has worked for me for last 20 years.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks, Aquabird

Author:  Josie [ 18 Sep 2006, 17:24 ]
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

This is hilarious.

Thanks aquabird.

Author:  Eilidh [ 19 Sep 2006, 17:18 ]
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I love it! And it has solved my what-to-read-next dilemma!

Author:  Elle [ 19 Sep 2006, 21:19 ]
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:D :D :D :D


fantastic! thank you.

Author:  francesn [ 23 Sep 2006, 22:16 ]
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Bumpity bump.

Any chance of any more?

Author:  Aquabird [ 23 Sep 2006, 22:46 ]
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Here you go. :wink:

The Diary of Mary-Lou Jones

Monday 10th October

Times butted in: 3 (v.g.), times told to mind own business: 2 (humph)

7:00am
Spring out of bed and make for bathroom. Is Monday morning, so must be fresh and trim. Must not lose reputation as model Chalet School girl.

9:00am
Just heard rebellious new girl criticising the school. Gave her a life-changing talk on becoming a real Chalet School girl. Think that has done the trick.

10:00am
Have Ferry for Geography now. Am so glad managed to make her see that do not mean to be so outspoken. Pity it took a near-fatal accident for it to happen.

10:01am
Vi-Jude’s collar is crooked. Will just tell her to fix it. If Naughty Middles see her like that, the Gang will become laughing stock, not recognised leaders of the school.

10:02am
Humph. Vi-Jude told self to mind own business. How dare she speak to ME like that! She is Second Prefect, not Head Girl like self. What I say goes.

12:30pm
At Mittagessen. Shout across Speisesaal in clarion tones to Naughty Middles who are talking too loudly.

2:00pm
Have free period, so am going to go and see if am needed. After all, have inherited Aunt Joey’s mantle of being school’s prize butter-in, so don’t want to let the name down!

2:10pm
Just spotted another new girl, this one wearing sullen expression. Will butt in in own inimitable OAO way.

2:12pm
Humph. Was told by new girl to mind own business. Wonder if she is related to Vi-Jude?

3:00pm
Will go across to Freudesheim and see Aunt Joey. Perhaps she will know who new girl is. She usually does.

4:00pm
Aunt Joey (who is busy again) says that new girl comes from family expecting new baby, so she feels pushed into background to make room for it. Was asked to keep an eye on new girl and make her feel grateful that she is going to have new brother or sister. I will, of course, as no girl has yet failed to be brought round to my way of thinking.

5:00pm
Cannot find new girl.

7:00pm
Still cannot find new girl. Wonder if she is avoiding me? No, of course she isn’t. Why would she avoid ME?

9:00pm
Will have to give up search for new girl now as she will probably be in bed. Humph.

Author:  Chair [ 23 Sep 2006, 23:21 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird.

Author:  Lesley [ 23 Sep 2006, 23:40 ]
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Sooooooo pleased two people told OOAO to mind her own business! :lol:


Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Alison H [ 24 Sep 2006, 08:52 ]
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Also pleased 2 people told her to mind her own business!

Author:  Alice [ 24 Sep 2006, 12:30 ]
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Just read all of these. Thanks Aquabird, they're very funny.

Author:  KathrynW [ 24 Sep 2006, 14:33 ]
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I've just read these too, they are so funny!

Author:  LizB [ 24 Sep 2006, 15:16 ]
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Fab! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks, Aquabird

Author:  Josie [ 24 Sep 2006, 22:25 ]
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*g* hilarious.
Love Matey being bored!

Author:  Pollyana [ 25 Sep 2006, 16:49 ]
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fantastic idea, and wonderfully written :D

Thanks so much for the laughs

Author:  Elle [ 25 Sep 2006, 19:47 ]
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Brilliant update. Thank you!



*starts chanting for more*

Author:  Jennie [ 25 Sep 2006, 21:00 ]
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JOining in the chant.

Author:  LL [ 30 Sep 2006, 08:49 ]
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Grand! Have watched BJ twice last night :D

Author:  Aquabird [ 30 Sep 2006, 16:06 ]
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Thanks you for all the lovely comments and the chant! Have been v. busy with homework this week, but have finally written another entry! :wink:

The Diary of Nell Jones

Saturday 2nd April

Sarcastic comments: 57 (excellent), cream cakes: 14 (oh, dear), milky coffees: 14 (ditto), disasters: too many to count

7:00am
Woke up drenched in sweat. Just had terrible nightmare in which pantomime was complete flop. Hope is not premonition.

7:30am
At Frühstück. Girls are v. excited, but Staff are v. tense. The Chalet School Christmas Play was v. successful, so must keep CS standard high. Feeling v. pressured. Will just have calming cream cake and coffee. Must remember inner poise. Inner poise.

8:00am
Uh-oh. First disaster of the day: Sybil Russell’s tiara is broken. Sent her off to Matron to see if she can fix it. Will have another coffee and cake.

8:30am
Arrgh, is only 8:30 and have already had Tiaragate and now a Scenerygate. Grace-Shazzer says someone must have stood against the newly-painted scenery, as said scenery is now all smudged. DOOM!

8:35am
Thank God and all his cherubim, seraphim, saints, archangels, cloud attendants and beard-trimmers. Hilda-Jude phoned about times for bringing school to hall tonight, and told her about Scenerygate. She immediately said would send Gaudenz-Darcy over to see if he could fix it. Will just have calming coffee and cream cake to regain inner poise. Will end up the size of the Jungfrau at this rate.

9:00am
Gaudenz-Darcy has taken scenery to shed and is trying to fix it. Must now work out how to alter Blossom Willoughby’s costume, as she has somehow managed to grow an inch practically overnight.

12:30pm
Is Mittagessen, and am exhausted. Have spent whole morning altering costumes, checking on Gaudenz-Darcy’s progress with scenery, practising opening speech and generally maintaining reputation as sarcastic but v. popular Headmistress of St Mildred’s.

2:00pm
Hurrah! Gaudenz-Darcy has, by use of turps and other means, mended the scenery. Is a little smudged, but will not matter. The acting is what counts.

3:00pm
Grrr. Was about to embark on rescue of another crisis when Joey-Rebecca came bounding into study.
“Helloooo!” she shouted, dropping into an armchair. Could have sworn I heard it groan under her weight; she must be busy again. “How’s it all going?”
“It’s been disasters all round,” I told her shortly. “You’ll have to excuse me, Joey. Mr Denny has sent for me, and he said it’s urgent.”
Then shot off to deal with recalcitrant choir members who were nursing strained voices. Sent them to Matron for throat medicine and prayed for miracle.

4:30pm
Hilda-Jude came round for Kaffee und Kuchen, and was v. sympathetic and supportive. Felt much better when she told me that just before the Christmas Play entire bevy of angels misplaced their haloes when they took them off to have a game of hide and seek. Am v. glad am dealing with girls in late teens, not Naughty Middles, for this production.

6:50pm
Am outside St Luke’s Hall. Have forgotten to bring supply of cream cakes and coffee, so am making do with fags to calm nerves. Think everything has finally been sorted out, but keep having horrible visions of costumes splitting, lines being forgotten, choruses going flat, scenery melting before very eyes…

8:00pm
Is interval, and so far, so good. Was a minor incident when one violinist in orchestra dropped music on floor and had to mime playing the rest, but apart from that everything has gone smoothly. Am having quick cup of coffee and cream cake brought by Hilda-Jude, who had the foresight to see that self might need them.

10:00pm
In bed now. V. v. sleepy. Pantomime was huge success and got standing ovation! Feeling v. pleased with self. Was no disasters in second half, and girls are off home for holidays tomorrow, so hurrah! Zzzzzzzz…

Author:  Fatima [ 30 Sep 2006, 16:15 ]
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:lol: Like the idea of Gaudenz as Darcy! Makes the idea that Hilda wanted to thank him properly later all the more understandable!

Author:  leahbelle [ 30 Sep 2006, 16:50 ]
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This is really funny! Such a lot of comedy drabbles to catch up on since I've been away - I'm loving them!

Author:  Lesley [ 30 Sep 2006, 16:51 ]
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Yah Nell!!!!


Thank you.

Author:  Chair [ 30 Sep 2006, 17:24 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird. I also like the idea of Gaudenz being Darcy!

Author:  Cath V-P [ 30 Sep 2006, 23:37 ]
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Me too...definite possibilities there! :lol:

Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Liane [ 01 Oct 2006, 08:34 ]
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V. funny Aquabird, thank you.
More please! :D

Author:  KathrynW [ 01 Oct 2006, 09:12 ]
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Hehehe...thanks Aquabird, that was fantastic

Author:  Jennie [ 01 Oct 2006, 14:07 ]
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Thabnks, Aquabird. Loved it.

Author:  Carys [ 01 Oct 2006, 14:32 ]
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Loving all these entries!
Especially liked ML being told to mind her own business.

Author:  pim [ 02 Oct 2006, 09:11 ]
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Gaudenz-Darcy!

Tiaragate!

*laughing hysterically*

Author:  LizB [ 03 Oct 2006, 21:29 ]
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Inspired!

*rofl*

Thanks, Aquabird

Author:  Elle [ 04 Oct 2006, 10:24 ]
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Fab! Fab! Fab!

Author:  Josie [ 05 Oct 2006, 01:37 ]
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:D :D :D :D :D

Thanks Aquabird. Am loving this!

Author:  MaryR [ 05 Oct 2006, 13:21 ]
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Loved the Nell one. :lol: :lol: Thanks, Aquabird.

Author:  Laura V [ 05 Oct 2006, 15:05 ]
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just seen this one now! can't wait for more! :D

Author:  Aquabird [ 05 Oct 2006, 18:32 ]
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Considered making him Gaudenz-Cleaver, but am more of a Darcy fan. :wink: Thank you for all the v. lovely comments; are v. encouraging. Think I might have been a bit hard on Len in this entry. To me she's just one of those people who are so perfect and good at everything, and are so nice you can't hate them! :twisted:

The Diary of Len Jones

Friday 22nd September

Siblings: 10 (v.g.), new girls sheepdogged: 1 (must improve), times explained school’s history and Mamma’s connection with it: ¾ (humph)

8:00am
Am sheepdogging new girl. Have been telling her all about school’s beginning in Tirol, and how Mamma was the first pupil. New girl is v. interested, nodding head and saying “Mm”.

10:00am
Have reached the war years now. Had to stop during Prayers, as received v. nasty glare from Auntie Hilda. Oh dear, Con is dreaming again. Better wake her up. Is my responsibility to look after my sisters, after all, even though they are same age as self.

9:02am
Humph. Con was v. ungrateful at my thoughtfulness. Gave me v. stuffy look and pulled my pigtail! New girl actually laughed! Humph.

12:30pm
Is Mittagessen. New girl has gone off with Con! Feeling v. annoyed; had just got to the part where we moved to Switzerland! Have been deprived of the pleasure of explaining what I mean by “Don’t-let-your-toes-cross-when-you-start-learning-to-ski” speech!

1:00pm
Humph. Mentioned new girl abandonment to Margot, and she actually dared to suggest new girl was BORED with me! She’s listening to her devil again, that girl. Is proven fact that am liked by everyone in this establishment. Am eldest daughter of school’s biggest foundation stone, after all. Will find sympathy from Ted-Shazzer and Rosamund-Jude.

2:00pm
Con and new girl are sitting together in needlework. Will glower at them from across the room.

5:00pm
In prep now. Con and new girl are still v. friendly. Humph. Will find inner poise. Will have to keep wits about self, anyway, as Francie is in bad mood, and have not forgotten the last time she was in bad mood, when she threw a pellet at self and hit self on the nose.

8:00pm
Am working on things for Sale. Is v. early to be thinking about that, I know, but want to have most merchandise so can have best stall. Con and new girl are writing stories in corner of common room. Turns out new girl is v. dreamy sort, too. She and Con will get on like house on fire. Was waste of time sheepdogging her. Humph.

Author:  Lesley [ 05 Oct 2006, 18:38 ]
Post subject: 

I agree Aquabird - Len was really too good to be true!


Love that the new girl gets on with Con. :lol:

Author:  Carys [ 05 Oct 2006, 20:52 ]
Post subject: 

I'm another who felt that Len was too perfect!

Glad the new girl left her for Con! :lol:

Author:  Alison H [ 05 Oct 2006, 23:00 ]
Post subject: 

Len does rather bug me, although a lot of it's because of other people's views of her rather than her view of herself. Thanks Aquabird - that was brilliant!

Author:  Kate [ 05 Oct 2006, 23:26 ]
Post subject: 

*G* I like Len - it was EBD's way of talking about her that irritated me rather than Len herself, if that makes sense.

Thanks for the new section Aquabird! :D

Author:  JoW [ 06 Oct 2006, 18:03 ]
Post subject: 

Len's my favourite. I wanted to be Len when I was a child!

Author:  KathrynW [ 06 Oct 2006, 18:07 ]
Post subject: 

Thanks Aquabird, that was fab :D

Author:  Aquabird [ 06 Oct 2006, 18:35 ]
Post subject: 

There's a girl like Len in my year at school. We went to the same primary school, too, so I've known her since I was about four. She's brilliant at lessons, is very pretty and sporty and plays about five musical instruments, and is teacher's pet without seeming like one. She's way better than me at everything, and she's just so nice I can't be jealous of her. She's basically how I envisioned Len.

Author:  leahbelle [ 06 Oct 2006, 20:05 ]
Post subject: 

Loving this, Aquabird, thank you! Your depiction of Len is great!

Author:  Chair [ 08 Oct 2006, 21:00 ]
Post subject: 

Thanks, Aquabird. I'm glad that the new girl saw sense, though I do like Len.

Author:  Josie [ 09 Oct 2006, 00:31 ]
Post subject: 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Quote:
Will find inner poise.


*g* Love it.

Thanks Aquabird

Author:  Mel [ 09 Oct 2006, 22:00 ]
Post subject: 

These are great. Thanks!

Author:  Lulu [ 12 Oct 2006, 19:02 ]
Post subject: 

:lol: These are brilliant!

Author:  Tara [ 17 Oct 2006, 23:49 ]
Post subject: 

Lovely :D

Thanks, Aquabird.

Author:  Elle [ 20 Oct 2006, 18:43 ]
Post subject: 

*starts a chant for more*

Author:  LizB [ 29 Oct 2006, 13:48 ]
Post subject: 

Elle wrote:
*starts a chant for more*

*joins in*

Author:  Loryat [ 08 Nov 2006, 13:27 ]
Post subject: 

Yes more please!

Author:  Aquabird [ 08 Nov 2006, 23:08 ]
Post subject: 

Think the bunny went on a longer holiday than I did!

The Diary of Madge Jones

Tuesday 15th April

Monologues listened to: 2 (yawn), coffees: 81 (v. v. bad)

8:00am
Yawn and roll over. Jem-Cleaver isn’t here; must have gone off to work early. The only times I see him now are when he wants an extension to the family. Humph.

9:00am
Am sitting at breakfast table, daintily eating breakfast in manner befitting of Lady Russell, Founder of the Chalet School. Look proudly round table at brood of children, all v. good-looking. Tell off Kevin and Kester for elbowing each other and ring for more coffee.

10:00am
V. bored. Think will take children for nice ramble and pretend am still fresh-faced, ambitious young Head of the Chalet School.

1:00pm
Is Mittagessen. I mean, lunch. Jem-Cleaver is actually here, for once. He is gracing us with a monologue on his latest advancements on TB cures. So far, nobody else has been able to get a word in. He’s been talking for thirty minutes, and clearly has a LOT more to say. Everyone, probably including self, is sporting v. glazed look. Will pour self some more coffee in attempt to keep awake. Ohhh; telephone.

5:30pm
Was Joey-Perpetua. Have only just got off the phone with her now. Don’t know what was worse; Jem-Cleaver’s monologue or hers. Had to signal to Marie to bring whole tea trolley into the hall, so that would have good supply of coffee to get through conversation. Cannot believe have spent four and half hours just listening to Joey-Perpetua TALK. About MY school, no less. Humph. And tea trolley is empty; have drunk all the coffee. Double humph.

7:20pm
Wish could have a coffee. Jem-Cleaver has come home early, and is rhapsodising about TB cures again. Caffeine boost is starting to wear off now, but Marie says have drunk all coffee in the house and will be unable to get any more until tomorrow. V. sad.

7:21pm
Want a coffee.

7:27pm
Really want a coffee desperately!

9:30pm
In bed now. Fell asleep listening to Jem-Cleaver and was then rudely woken up by him; “Madge, dear, you’re not listening. Are you sickening for something? I think I’d better pop you into bed and slip a little sedative into your hot milk. Just in case.”
Was carted off to bed despite feeble protests of wanting coffee, not hot milk. V. sad that he wouldn’t listen and insisted on hot milk. V. sleepy now. Sedative is taking effect, I think…Zzzzzzzz…snore…

Author:  Lesley [ 08 Nov 2006, 23:11 ]
Post subject: 

Poor Madge! :lol:


Good to see more of this, thanks Aquabird

Author:  Cath V-P [ 09 Nov 2006, 00:09 ]
Post subject: 

A sedative after all that caffeine!!!

Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Alison H [ 09 Nov 2006, 08:43 ]
Post subject: 

Brilliant, thanks Amanda!

Author:  Eilidh [ 09 Nov 2006, 13:20 ]
Post subject: 

*giggling madly in computer lab*

Thanks Aquabird - brilliant!

Author:  Loryat [ 09 Nov 2006, 14:39 ]
Post subject: 

Eilidh wrote:
*giggling madly in computer lab*

Ditto! People are looking at me weirdly. :?

Author:  leahbelle [ 09 Nov 2006, 14:47 ]
Post subject: 

Great to see this back, Aquabird, it's so funny! Poor Madge. I hope Jem-Cleaver didn't take advantage after the sedative took effect...

Author:  Chair [ 09 Nov 2006, 16:32 ]
Post subject: 

Thanks, Amanda. I'm sorry that Jem and Joey both went on and on and on.

Author:  Elle [ 09 Nov 2006, 19:26 ]
Post subject: 

Aquabird wrote:
8:00am
Yawn and roll over. Jem-Cleaver isn’t here; must have gone off to work early. The only times I see him now are when he wants an extension to the family. Humph.




*splutters hysterically*


Brilliant! Thanks.

Author:  Jennie [ 11 Nov 2006, 15:10 ]
Post subject: 

Poor Madge.

Author:  Josie [ 13 Nov 2006, 00:02 ]
Post subject: 

Aquabird wrote:
Look proudly round table at brood of children, all v. good-looking.

:lol: :lol:

Thanks Aquabird

Author:  Hannah-Lou [ 17 Nov 2006, 13:13 ]
Post subject: 

These are hilarious! :D :lol: :D :lol: Glad to see them back. More please?

Author:  Imogen [ 18 Nov 2006, 01:44 ]
Post subject: 

Thank you Aquabird :D these are very funny.

Author:  LizB [ 22 Nov 2006, 18:53 ]
Post subject: 

rofl!

Thanks, Aquabird :lol:

Author:  Aquabird [ 12 Jan 2007, 23:07 ]
Post subject: 

The bunny has at last recovered from his New Year hangover! :wink:

The Diary of Rosalie Jones

Wednesday 17th May

Letters typed: 500 (excellent), phone calls: 874 (v.g.), coffees: 1048 (must improve), cream cakes: 83 (repulsive)

4:00am
Urgh, have horrible hangover, but must be up early; have still got lots of leftover correspondence to attend to before today’s lot arrive. Will just have quick coffee and cream cake to wake self up and chase off hangover first.

6:00am
Yawn. V. bored. Am typing out school newsletter for parents. I know it off by heart now; it’s barely changed at all in the last ten years. Hilda-Perpetua is still in bed. Humph. All right for some people.

6:02am
Still, is own fault for going to disco in Interlaken last night instead of finishing work. Still don’t remember how I got home, but have vague recollection of bumping into handsome San Doctor in nightclub, so perhaps was rescued by him before embarrassing self too much. Hope Joey-Rebecca never finds out it was me who nicked her lime green and cream tartan miniskirt.

7:30am
At Frühstück. Am tempted by plates of luscious-looking bacon and eggs, but unfortunately ate too many cream cakes pre-Frühstück in effort to keep self awake. Will be sick if I eat any more. Will probably be sick anyway, actually, as hangover has returned now that caffeine boost has worn off. Think I will go to Matey-Magda and ask for aspirin, and hope she doesn’t ask questions.

9:00am
Humph. Hilda-Perpetua is in study, trig, trim and daisy-faced. Am feeling tired and nauseous, sitting looking mournfully at huge pile of correspondence waiting to be done. Had only just finished yesterday’s lot and sat back, hoping to enjoy half-hour snooze, when this deluge arrived. V. sad.

12:30pm
Hangover has worn off and Gill-Jude is coming over for cosy chat tonight, bringing a bottle of Scotch if she can sneak it past Hilda-Perpetua. V. g. Will skip Mittagessen to finish letters in time.

2:00pm
Urgh, urgh, urgh! Matey-Magda came to office to enquire why self had missed Mittagessen. Explained that was not hungry (quite true, as had eaten too many cream cakes again during course of the morning), but Matey-Magda insisted on giving self dose of disgusting medicine, convinced that self was sickening for something. Hope it did not contain sedative or will miss Gill-Jude when she comes.

4:20pm
Still awake, thankfully, but still have taste of medicine in mouth. Will have another coffee and put splash of vodka in and see if that gets rid of it.

4:21pm
Eureka! It works! Mustn’t have any more vodka, though, or typing will go mad, and Hilda-Perpetua hates bad typing. Not surprising, as she is English teacher, but she is v. picky, especially over use of “can” and “may”. Still, do not want to annoy her or she will be in v. bad mood and possibly give self even more work.

5:45pm
Phew. Nell-Arabella came over to talk to Hilda-Perpetua, so will have quick break for five minutes. Fingers are dropping off; have been typing all day non-stop. Is worth it, though, as work is almost done. Wonder if they’ll notice if I have a fag? If I smoke it through the window they’ll never know.

7:00pm
Hurrah! Work is done and Gill-Jude is here, complete with bottle of Scotch and bottle of gin half-inched from Nell-Arabella’s private stash. Considered nicking some of Hilda-Perpetua’s Chardonnay, but decided not to, as the eyes that have never yet needed glasses would probably notice it.

10:30pm
Urgh, think have had too much to drink again; fell over when undressing and got tangled in nightdress. At least will not have to get up at 4am again…snore…Zzzzzzzz…

Author:  Tara [ 13 Jan 2007, 00:17 ]
Post subject: 

Lovely, lovely, adored both Madge and Rosalie. This is enormous fun.

Author:  Alison H [ 13 Jan 2007, 00:26 ]
Post subject: 

Glad to see that this particular bunny is back in action :D :lol: .

Author:  Lesley [ 13 Jan 2007, 07:59 ]
Post subject: 

So glad to see this back again - Rosalie is wonderful! :lol:

Author:  LizB [ 13 Jan 2007, 10:43 ]
Post subject: 

*giggles madly*

Fantastic! Thanks, Aquabird :lol:

Author:  Fatima [ 13 Jan 2007, 11:32 ]
Post subject: 

I'm glad Rosalie's life is a little more exciting than I'd feared it might be! Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  MaryR [ 13 Jan 2007, 14:04 ]
Post subject: 

Didn't realise Hilda was QUITE such a taskmaster! :lol: :lol:

Thanks, Aquabird

Author:  Jennie [ 13 Jan 2007, 15:52 ]
Post subject: 

Well, I always thought Rosalie was severely overworked.

Author:  Loryat [ 13 Feb 2007, 13:15 ]
Post subject: 

Aquabird wrote:
7:00pm
Hurrah! Work is done and Gill-Jude is here, complete with bottle of Scotch and bottle of gin half-inched from Nell-Arabella’s private stash. Considered nicking some of Hilda-Perpetua’s Chardonnay, but decided not to, as the eyes that have never yet needed glasses would probably notice it.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Love these, glad you've done another one!

Author:  leahbelle [ 13 Feb 2007, 14:42 ]
Post subject: 

So glad you're writiing this again. It's great!

Author:  JoS [ 13 Feb 2007, 23:09 ]
Post subject: 

Just seen this and have enjoyed it immensely. Thanks Aquabird. Could we have a few more please.


*Note to self - must go to bed early ONE night this week if plan to charm Darcy [SLOC]

Author:  Aquabird [ 15 Mar 2007, 19:45 ]
Post subject: 

Continuing on the "overworked" theme...

The Diary of Anna Jones

Saturday 19th August

Lemon biscuits baked: 1000 (excellent), orders taken: lost count, times contemplated killing Frau Maynard: 580 (must improve)

4:00am
Up early. Didn’t have much choice; was awoken by screaming cries of the latest arrival. Heard poor old Rösli get up to deal with it, but couldn’t get back to sleep myself. Suddenly remembered have not yet ironed the Herr Doktor’s shirt, so will have to do it now. Meant to do it last night, but decided to sod the ironing and have a (secret) stiff drink with Rösli instead. Is only way to keep one’s sanity in this house, after all. Am regretting it now, though; have a hangover.

4:30am
Am in kitchen now, making up the fire. Is v. cold.

4:32am
Right. Have lit fire, so will iron shirt now. Will resist urge to vomit over it instead.

5:00am
Humph. Was startled out of v. satisfying daydream of life without Frau Maynard when bell rang loudly. Heard the Herr Doktor shouting; “Anna? Where’s my shirt?”
Realised in horror that had been standing staring into space, and that iron had burnt hole through shirt.

5:01am
Panicking now. Can hear him coming down the stairs.

5:30am
V. sad. He was not pleased when he saw what I had done to his shirt. Also, unfortunately, saw that I have a hangover and told me off for that, too. Will have coffee to cheer self up.

5:40am
Feeling better now. Will start on Frühstück. Is mammoth task cooking for household of…how many is it now? Have lost count, what with biological Maynards, wards, adoptees, random troubled waifs from school next door, etc.

7:00am
Most people are up now. Arms are almost dropping off, but have done all the cooking for the morning, thank goodness. Will clean up round the kitchen now before starting the dusting.

8:12am
Hmmm. While dusting in Herr Doktor Maynard’s study, found several hidden bottles of strong whisky, along with copy of gentleman’s magazine and bottle of Valium. Perhaps am not alone in suffering from the Frau Maynard effect?

9:00am
Back in kitchen. Am baking lemon biscuits. Mmmm. Love the smell of lemon biscuits.

9:02am
Mmmm. Sexy postman has just come to the door with letters. Think he likes me.

11:00am
Humph. Frau Maynard finally rang for her (lime green and cream) breakfast tray, and took it up with usual contents; coffee in lime green jug with matching cup and saucer, toast with green butter (effect achieved with food colouring), porridge in lime green and cream patterned bowl, and fried lime green lake fish.
Anyway, took it up, and there she was, sitting up in bed in her cream nightdress with lime green bedjacket, shrouded in lime green and cream striped blankets and sheets, looking at me sleepily and saying she’d had a bad night and would be spending the day in bed! Humph, humph and double humph!
She did like the green butter on her toast, though.

1:00pm
Am having well-deserved break with Rösli now. We are both exhausted, and the day is only half over. So far we have come up with 198 ways of killing Frau Maynard. Hope she never heard us laughing evilly.

2:32pm
Fraulein Dene has just sneaked over from the school with Frau Maynard’s lime green and cream tartan miniskirt, which I pinched for her to borrow to go out clubbing with last night. I only did it because she paid me with a bottle of Fraulein Annersley’s best Chardonnay. If she is brave enough to pinch booze from the Abbess herself, I am brave enough to raid Frau Maynard’s wardrobe.

2:33pm
Still don’t know why Fraulein Dene likes the skirt, though. Rösli and I are in agreement that it is hideous. But maybe that’s because Freudesheim is a lime green and cream shrine and we are sick of the colours.

3:00pm
Back in kitchen, baking more lemon biscuits. Think will hide some away for own consumption later. Must keep up buxom figure, after all.

6:00pm
Back is aching from all the floors have swept. Still, house is clean. Until that horrible mutt of theirs comes galloping in covered with mud, that is.

8:00pm
Ironing basket is overflowing, as did not have time today to do any and am too tired now. Will just have to get up early tomorrow and do some. Note to self: do not daydream whilst ironing. Think will open well-earned bottle of Chardonnay now and congratulate self on surviving another day at Chez Maynard.

Author:  JoS [ 15 Mar 2007, 21:18 ]
Post subject: 

:D :D

Poor Anna!! Wonderful, thanks!

Author:  brie [ 15 Mar 2007, 21:33 ]
Post subject: 

thanks!

so glad to see this back

green butter... gentlemans magazines... and hildas best chardonnay... mental!!!

Author:  Lesley [ 15 Mar 2007, 21:39 ]
Post subject: 

Love it!


*Giggling away* :lol:

Author:  Tara [ 16 Mar 2007, 01:05 ]
Post subject: 

Lovely to see this back, it's such fun. :D

Author:  Miranda [ 16 Mar 2007, 02:40 ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
Frau Maynard finally rang for her (lime green and cream) breakfast tray, and took it up with usual contents; coffee in lime green jug with matching cup and saucer, toast with green butter (effect achieved with food colouring), porridge in lime green and cream patterned bowl, and fried lime green lake fish.


Inspired!! I particularly like the poor lake fish :lol: :lol:

Author:  Fatima [ 16 Mar 2007, 05:18 ]
Post subject: 

All that lime greenness is enough to make anyone feel bilious!

:lol: Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Jennie [ 16 Mar 2007, 13:22 ]
Post subject: 

Thanks, Aquabird. I'd like more from Anna, particularly if she comes up with a way of killing Joey that is undetectable.

Author:  leahbelle [ 16 Mar 2007, 14:28 ]
Post subject: 

I always wondered what Jack got up to in his study. Now I know!!! Thanks, Aquabird.

Author:  Aquabird [ 11 Apr 2007, 23:51 ]
Post subject: 

The Diary of A CBBer Jones

Wednesday 11th April

Times checked the CBB: too many to be healthy, essays done: 0 (v. bad), cups of milk: 11 (v. greedy and there is none left for Dad’s tea now but good for self’s calcium levels)

6:30am
Can hear Mum getting up for work, but is too early even to contemplate getting up yet. Snuggle down in bed again feeling v. smug that is Easter holidays and do not have to get up before noon.

9:10am
Drat. Forgot Dad is expecting visitor at insanely early hour of 10 in the morning, so will have to get up and make self presentable so as to give good impression, etc. Bang on Christopher-Cleaver’s bedroom door on the way to bathroom. Well, if I can’t have a lie-in, neither can he!

9:20am
Christopher-Cleaver has not emerged from bedroom.

9:21am
Or even moved, by the sound of it.

9:22am
Ha. Got him up by banging on door in manner of Aunt Petunia in the first Harry Potter film. Heard caveman-like grunt from room suggesting he has finally emerged from sleep. Hm. Have just realised that Mum and I both have the ability to get up relatively easily in the mornings compared to Dad and Christopher-Cleaver. Obviously as X-chromosome possessors we are of course superior anyway, but still, is interesting genetic trait. Perhaps should have paid more attention in Higher Human Biology last year.

9:50am
Humph. Dad told us to take dog out and preferably stay out until visitor is gone. Can see point: dog is v. excitable despite being 11 years old and would probably cover visitor in dog hairs, but still. Am quite offended at STILL being treated like 5 year old instead of 17 year old.
Wonder if there is time for me to log onto the CBB before we have to go? Better not: will get wrapped up in reading drabbles if I do.

10:35am
Hurrah! Back in bedroom, which is still v. tidy, even though it has been five whole days since self tidied it. Feeling v. pleased with self. Can now log onto CBB. Will just get cup of milk first. Have developed strange addiction to drinking milk, especially whilst surfing the net. Would probably get on v. v. well at Chalet School, what with all the rich, creamy milk they seem to drink.

10:36am
Don’t like coffee, though.

10:37am
Ohhh, lots of shiny updates since last night.

11:00am
Right. Will really knuckle down and do some studying now. First exam (English) is exactly a month from now and there is only half a week of Easter holidays left. Have got 2 (or is it 3???) essays to do for Modern Studies as well as Musical Literacy homework and folder of English past papers. Have got plenty to be getting on with.

11:01am
Am v. glad am only taking three subjects this year. Found last year’s diary last night and on looking through it am quite frankly amazed that self survived 5th year at all, never mind getting the good results self did. Seemed to be moaning about self’s inability to do Maths homework in every entry.

11:10am
Ohhh, plot bunny for a new story has come whispering in my ear.

12:00pm
New story going v. well. Will take a break and refill glass of milk and check CBB again.

12:02pm
Squee! More updates!

12:30pm
Right, will DEFINITELY do some studying this afternoon. Will feel v. guilty if end up going back to school on Monday having done no homework at all, never mind studying for important SQA exams which could be instrumental to self getting into uni and therefore increasing self’s chances of a good job when self leaves school in the not-too-distant future (i.e. two months from now).
Will just have quick check on CBB first, though. No, no, mustn’t, mustn’t.

1:50pm
Hah. Christopher-Cleaver has persuaded Dad to take us out to lunch.

3:00pm
Too full to do any homework/studying now. Will check CBB and procrastinate instead.

10:30pm
Oh, dear. Have spent whole day (more or less) on CBB. Again. Is too late to do any homework now: teachers are constantly reminding self and fellow sufferers that the best time to work is in the morning. Personally disagree, as usually in the morning am too preoccupied with trying to open eyes and control hair to think about work, but whatever. Point is have wasted another day. Will definitely, definitely work tomorrow. Yes. Will find inner poise, become self-actualised, rational member of society and will pass exams. Yes.

10:31pm
Will just check CBB one last time before bed…

Author:  Lisa_T [ 12 Apr 2007, 00:15 ]
Post subject: 

*sigh* I do sympathise with that last entry. The CBB was responsible for me taking six months to produce my literature review at the start of my PhD. I told my supervisor it was because I was rejoicing at a life free from bells, but no, t'was the CBB.

*wonders if Lesley will now permit hassling* :twisted:

Author:  Róisín [ 12 Apr 2007, 00:43 ]
Post subject: 

*giggles* Have just found this. It is disturbingly similiar to my livejournal :lol:

Author:  Lesley [ 12 Apr 2007, 07:12 ]
Post subject: 

Lisa_T wrote:
*wonders if Lesley will now permit hassling* :twisted:



Of course I permit hassling, Lisa - I enjoy thinking up revenge topics :wink:


Aquabird this is wonderful - and a good explanation why I managed to achieve exactly nothing over the Easter break! :lol:

Author:  LizB [ 12 Apr 2007, 07:57 ]
Post subject: 

:rofl:

Thanks, Aquabird!

Author:  brie [ 12 Apr 2007, 08:39 ]
Post subject: 

as i am also "studying" for exams this is very very familiar....

Author:  francesn [ 12 Apr 2007, 09:36 ]
Post subject: 

I'm insisting that as I only have 1 exam I can round it down and therefore have none. Unfortunately by said rounding logic I also have 10 pieces of oursework....

And as you can see I'm not doing ANY of it - I'm on here instead.

Author:  leahbelle [ 13 Apr 2007, 16:51 ]
Post subject: 

Great, aquabird, thanks :lol: !

Author:  Fatima [ 13 Apr 2007, 17:22 ]
Post subject: 

Substitute exam marking for studying and change dog to children, and you just about have me!

Thanks Aquabird. :lol:

Author:  Aquabird [ 12 Jun 2007, 18:15 ]
Post subject: 

Thank you for your comments.

The Diary of Mabel Jones

Wednesday 17th May

New rules made: 14 (must improve), girls told off: 20 (disgraceful), coffees: 17 (v.g.), cakes: 21 (g.)

6:00am
Up bright and early today, as am determined to Make My Mark on this school and Get Good Exam Results.

7:00am
Is breakfast time. Am tucking in. Is hard work being Head pro tem., after all.

8:00am
The girls are all out on a walk. Really, this emphasis on games and walks and Guides and goodness knows what else is v. distracting, especially in exam term, but that bossy doctor from the Sanatorium insists on it. Like he knows how to run a successful school.

10:30am
In study. Have delegated all post to the secretary – can’t remember what her name is – and am busy sipping coffee and having a cake, blithely ignoring the fact that country is in middle of war and rationing is in full force.

11:00am
Humph. Can see through study window that Seniors are wandering all over the grounds. Must put a stop to that at once. How can they possibly allow these children to have so much freedom?

11:01am
While self is at it, will put up notice decreeing that no girl taking an exam this term may play in school matches. Can just see results going down the drain if self doesn’t take firm action. Really, this school should be grateful for everything self is doing for it.

12:30pm
Is lunchtime. Have just found a hair in soup. Will go and shout at kitchen staff before going to vent spleen by making up some more new rules.

1:10pm
Humph. Study door will not open.

1:12pm
Door will still not open. What’s the matter with it?

1:13pm
Must be jammed. Typical. Now will have to get in through window.

1:30pm
Was seen trying to climb through window by Naughty Middles. Heard skirt ripping with horrifying loudness as tried to get leg up on window sill. Naughty Middles ran away laughing. Skirtgate and no doubt Studydoorgate will be all over school by now. Will send for Naughty Middles and tell them off.

6:00pm
Have had v. exhausting afternoon procrastinating, eating cakes, drinking coffee and telling off various Naughty Middles sent to me for underachieving. Can now relax.

6:01pm
Better check on what the secretary’s doing, actually.

6:05pm
Found secretary typing away frenziedly with massive pile of empty coffee cups beside her. Told her to get a move on. Am not paying her to sit around drinking coffee, after all.

9:30pm
Humph. Decided to condescend to sit in Staff Room after dinner, but abominably rude Staff kept tearing pieces of paper v. loudly and making references to skirts. Stalked out in best dignified manner and was halfway to study when remembered door was jammed, so decided to go to bed instead.
Note to self: see if can get someone to unjam study door. Do not want to climb in through window again tomorrow.

Author:  Liane [ 12 Jun 2007, 18:40 ]
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Fantastic update, thanks

Author:  Rob [ 12 Jun 2007, 20:56 ]
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Brilliant Aquabird! Thanks!

Author:  Carolyn P [ 12 Jun 2007, 21:16 ]
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Brilliantly funny.

Author:  Rebecca [ 12 Jun 2007, 21:23 ]
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Fantastic! This bit made me splutter out loud!

Aquabird wrote:
9:30pm
Humph. Decided to condescend to sit in Staff Room after dinner, but abominably rude Staff kept tearing pieces of paper v. loudly and making references to skirts.

Author:  Alison H [ 12 Jun 2007, 21:36 ]
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:lol: Nice to see more of this.

Author:  Lesley [ 12 Jun 2007, 21:42 ]
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Excellent - pity EBD didn't write about the ripped skirt incident!

Poor Rosalie.

Author:  Jennie [ 12 Jun 2007, 23:05 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird.

Author:  Lexi [ 12 Jun 2007, 23:30 ]
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:lol: Fantastic, thank you!

Author:  LizB [ 13 Jun 2007, 08:21 ]
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Author:  keren [ 13 Jun 2007, 08:57 ]
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love these bits

Author:  andi [ 13 Jun 2007, 22:53 ]
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hooray, happy to see this back!

Author:  Tara [ 13 Jun 2007, 23:35 ]
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Me, too! Very funny. :lol:

Author:  Loryat [ 14 Jun 2007, 21:18 ]
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Loved this - though it took me a while to realise who it was!

I did not know Miss Bubb was called Mabel - it doesn't seem 'her' somehow.

Author:  brie [ 14 Jun 2007, 22:38 ]
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I wasn't sure who it was when i saw Mabel either, but i soon worked it out! Thanks very very much Aquabird!! :lol:

Author:  Alex [ 17 Jun 2007, 21:28 ]
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For a while the only Mabel I could think of was one created in a drabble and I couldn't see how she'd managed to end up in charge of the school.

Author:  Sal [ 18 Jun 2007, 01:57 ]
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That was hilarious although not good to read in a public place
I got some very funny looks :lol:

Thanks Aquabird

Author:  leahbelle [ 18 Jun 2007, 11:06 ]
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ROFL!!!

Author:  Aquabird [ 10 Dec 2007, 21:16 ]
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Does anyone have any character they would like me to write an entry for? My fountain of inspiration is rapidly running dry! Anyway, don't blame me for the insanity of this entry; it was the Irn Bru that made me do it. :P I've always wondered how Karen managed to make four meals a day for four or five hundred-odd people (like in the later Swiss years), so this is how I think she does it... :twisted:

The Diary of Karen Jones

Monday 26th November

Meals prepared: 1500 (v.g.), hysterical maids dealt with: 2 (v. bad), inventions viewed: 1 (excellent)

4:00am
Up early. Have five hundred meals to prepare for Frühstuck so can’t waste time.

4:20am
Have just had quick (and cold) bath and am getting dressed. Banged on bedroom doors of the maids as I passed on the way to bathroom. Honestly, is self the only person in the school capable of rising early?

5:00am
In kitchen. Is freezing cold. Maids were standing in line in front of self, shivering and waiting for orders.
“Right,” I said briskly, through my own chattering teeth. “It looks like there’s been frost in the night, and as it isn’t snowing, you know what that means. The young ladies will be out skiing all morning and will come back ready to eat us out of house and home, so we have to prepare accordingly. You know what to do. Man your positions, on the double!”
“Yes ma’am!” replied my troops, before scuttling off to get boilers, machinery, etc. to work. Was pleased to note that Gaudenz-Darcy had repaired the lemonade machine. Was hell last week when had to squeeze five hundred lemons by hand in the space of an hour for last-minute outing to Lake Thun. Like I haven’t got enough to do already. Don’t know what self would do without lemonade machine, cream cake machine and cigarette machine. The amount of each that the Chalet School consumes per week would probably make Healthy Eating campaigners combust with horror.

7:00am
Kitchen is v. warm now with heat and fumes from machinery. Am standing next to buttery hatch, passing plates, tureens, etc. off conveyor belt to maids waiting in Speisesaal. Tell off maid for dropping Lower IVa’s bacon on my spotless floor.

8:05am
Had just instructed troops to start on washing up when Gaudenz-Darcy tapped self on the shoulder.
“I’ve got a new invention for you, Karen,” he said mysteriously. Felt immediate sense of excited anticipation. Love Gaudenz-Darcy’s inventions. Last one was machine which produced batches of lemon biscuits using recipe pinched from Anna next door. Fraulein Annersley gave us all a pay rise for that one, as it means Frau Maynard no longer holds monopoly on delicious biscuits on the Görnetz Platz. Also means producing Kaffee und Kuchen for five hundred people is piece of cake (Sorry! Couldn't resist it!) now.

8:20am
New invention is coffee machine! Gaudenz-Darcy was quite excited about masterpiece as he showed it off to me in his makeshift lab round the back of the toboggan shed, amidst clouds of smoke issuing from test tubes, burettes dripping unknown liquids into beakers, etc. Fraulein Wilson would be proud if she knew the place existed.
“Just look!” he exclaimed. Reluctantly drew eyes away from his bulging biceps and rugged features to look. “All you have to do is press a button for each ingredient you want! One for hot water, one for milk, one for a sugar lump, and I have even catered for Fraulein Wilmot’s sweet tooth by adding one that adds five sugar lumps at once! Try it!”
Pressed a couple of buttons and was v. impressed when machine immediately spat out steaming cup of coffee. But then I tasted it.
“Um, Gaudenz?” I said tentatively.
“You like?” he said eagerly.
“You’ve invented a coffee machine, but there’s no coffee beans in it!”
Gaudenz-Darcy swore and kicked coffee machine, which let out alarming high-pitched whistle in manner of boiling kettle. “I knew I’d forgotten something!”

9:00am
Ahhhh, love the blissful sound of silence. Staff and young ladies are out tobogganing and skiing, so am relaxing by stove in cosy kitchen with feet up. Can hear Gaudenz-Darcy out in his lab, cursing. Think he is trying to fix recalcitrant coffee machine. Hope he fixes it soon. Would be bliss not to have to wait ages on boiling kettle every time a mistress wants a cup of coffee.

12:15pm
Was busily directing troops in Operation Mittagessen when Gaudenz-Darcy hauled coffee machine into kitchen and plonked it down in middle of floor. Machine let off bang like a gunshot and one of the troops screamed herself into a hysterical fit. Calmed her with a command to stop that silly screaming at once and get on with her work, then turned to Gaudenz-Darcy expectantly.
“Try it now,” he urged. So ordered self another cup of coffee and tasted it gingerly. Felt self perking up instantly as lovely warm liquid flowed through body like crystal stream or similar. I nodded approvingly.
“It’s alive!” cried Gaudenz-Darcy gleefully.
I gave him a Look.
“Well, I’ve always wanted to say that,” he said, deflated. “Where do you want it?”
“Over next to the bottled fruit machine,” I replied, before turning to ask Miggi just what she thought she was doing trying to spin plates of sausages on sticks. For a bet, she informed me solemnly.
Why me, Lord?

4:15pm
Hellish afternoon. Instructed Anneli to turn on the lemon biscuit machine so could start making batches for Kaffee, and machine emitted stomach-turning groan and started spurting steam. Anneli nearly had a blue fit, so had to spend five minutes calming her down. Then turned to dealing with malfunctioning machine, and realised in horror that it had started producing biscuits in the shape of Frau Maynard’s head.
Including – horrors! – the earphones.
“GAUDENZ!” I bawled.
“What?” he yelled back from the lab.
“That *&^$ lemon biscuit machine of yours is…is…come and see for yourself!”
He came in, looking bemused at my rage, then stared in horror at what his beloved invention was doing. Then he ran forward. Within seconds, he and I were both yanking at every lever and switch we could find. At last he ran for a spanner and dropped it into the works. Machine gave a last groan and stopped. Heaved huge sigh of relief.
So now Gaudenz-Darcy is trying to repair lemon biscuit machine whilst I and my troops are baking feverishly to try and make enough cakes by hand in time for Kaffee.

5:00pm
Phew. Think have got away with it. Have been no complaints to the kitchen so far anyway. Was touch and go, though.

7:45pm
Thank goodness, all cooking is done for the day. Can hear the satisfying sound of five hundred people munching in the Speisesaal next door, and the comforting buzzing and whirring of Gaudenz-Darcy’s machines winding down for the night. Think will have a nice cup of coffee from new coffee machine and have an early night.

Author:  Lesley [ 10 Dec 2007, 22:22 ]
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Absolutely love this one! Especially love the lemon biscuit machine :lol:


Thanks Aquabird.

Have you done Miss Wilson yet?

Author:  PaulineS [ 10 Dec 2007, 22:26 ]
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Well done. Like the lemon biscuit machine, but a coffee machine without coffee!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Author:  Aquabird [ 10 Dec 2007, 22:36 ]
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So far I have done:

1. Miss Annersley
2. Joey Maynard
3. Nancy Wilmot
4. A Naughty Middle
5. Matey
6. Mary-Lou
7. Miss Wilson
8. Len Maynard
9. Madge
10. Rosalie
11. Anna
12. A CBBer (me)
13. Miss Bubb
14. Karen

Any suggestions gratefully received. And thanks for all your comments!

Author:  Alison H [ 10 Dec 2007, 22:45 ]
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:lol: Good to see this back.

Er ... trying to think of someone who'd have a really "original" diary :lol: . Tom Gay? Elisaveta? Robin? Thekla? Yseult?

Author:  Tara [ 11 Dec 2007, 00:41 ]
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Loved this, especially Miggi spinning plates of sausages on sticks and Karen being more worried about her floor than the bacon!

How about Mlle de Lachen(n)ais ... or Pam Slater?

Author:  Sal [ 11 Dec 2007, 03:00 ]
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Great to see more of this, think that one was my favourite so far. :lol: How about Mlle Le Pattre or Kathie Ferrars?

Author:  Miss Di [ 11 Dec 2007, 05:25 ]
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How about Cornelia or Emmy?

Just found this and had to laugh V. quietly in the office!

Author:  Kathy_S [ 20 Dec 2007, 17:58 ]
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:rofl:

So that's how it's done....

Author:  leahbelle [ 20 Dec 2007, 18:10 ]
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I must have missed this post!

Very very funny!

Author:  Rebecca [ 20 Dec 2007, 21:35 ]
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I missed it too. That's fantastic, especially the five sugars button and the lemon biscuit machine producing the Joey-shaped biscuits!!

Author:  Aquabird [ 28 Jun 2008, 16:45 ]
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Thanks v. much for all the lovely comments and suggestions. I've had about half of this written for ages now, and finally had the inspiration to finish it today.

The Diary of Mlle Jeanne Jones

Thursday 10th November

Essays marked: 25 (excellent), hours spent practising skiing: 2 (must improve), coffees made: 31 (v.g.), coffees had myself: 18 (v. bad)

6:30am
Am up, have had bath and am dressed. Will have a quick cup of coffee and cream cake to wake self up, then go out for a quick ski. Snow has stopped, and frost last night has firmed what has already fallen, so is perfect for skiing. Hurrah!

7:30am
Have just spent v. frustrating hour tumbling around in snow in v. undignified manner. Am horribly out of practise. Must get back into shape ASAP before anybody finds out. Am school’s Alpinist, after all. Have a reputation to maintain. Unfortunately, now have huge pile of v. important essays to mark for Lower V. Should really have done them last night but was too busy making coffee for everyone in staffroom, then this morning was too tempted by lovely ski-able snow to stay in. Can’t do them now either; have to tidy self before Frühstuck.

8:00am
Oh, joy of joys. Rosalie-Shazzer popped in to say that Hilda-Perpetua has ordained skiing for the morning. Will not be able to give back essays until tomorrow now, so have plenty of time to mark them today. Am off the hook.

8:02am
Oh, la la! Have just realised; impromptu morning of skiing may have saved self’s skin re: Lower V’s essays, but also means self’s lack of skiing practise will be exposed.
Why me, Lord?

8:30am
Right. Calm, calm. Will find inner poise. Poise is perfect balance, and perfect balance is exactly what self needs for skiing. Everyone is lining up on drive with skis. Newcomers will be handed over to self for quick test to see if they need teaching. Hope they don’t as am planning to sneak off round the back of the toboggan shed to practise. Must get back into form before I can show face.

8:40am
Phew. Fate is on self’s side this morning. Only one girl needed coaching, and managed to shove her off onto Mary-Lou. Will try to sneak off for private practise now.

9:30am
The St Mildred’s lot have come to join the main school, and Nell-Arabella is talking to Hilda-Perpetua, so the eyes that have never yet needed glasses won’t miss self for a little while. Am safe. Still tumbling about like complete novice instead of skilled Alpinist that I am. V. sad.

12:30pm
Thank God that’s over.
Was trying to get back on feet after another fall when Julie-Jude Berné came up, having found my hideout.
“Why aren’t you out there with the rest, Jeanne?” she asked, jerking her head at the pasture as she pulled me out of the bush I had fallen into. “You’re usually right out there in the middle of everything.”
“I can’t,” I said dolefully. “I’m out of practise! I can’t even ski in a straight line, never mind skim over snow like a crimson-feathered bird! I can’t show my face until I can at least ski without my toes crossing!”
Julie-Jude looked grave. “It’s that bad, is it?”
I nodded sadly.
“Well, don’t worry about it, I’m sure – oh, no.” She froze, looking over my head, and I turned, then groaned.
Joey-Rebecca was skimming towards us, with long V-shaped line of children, wards, adoptees, etc., skiing along behind her in expert fashion in manner of swallows flying south for the winter. Except that they were unfortunately headed straight for us, not the south.
“Help,” I whimpered feebly to nobody in particular.
“Grin and bear it,” whispered Julie-Jude.
“Helloooo!” Joey-Rebecca yelled as soon as she was near enough. Could have sworn I heard golden clarion tones echo around the mountain, possibly as far as the top of the Jungfrau. She dismissed brood of children, then started regaling us with the latest news of the Old Girls she was in contact with (i.e. just about everyone). Was distracted by the sight of Hilda-Perpetua and Nell-Arabella making frantic signals at us from behind her back not to divert her attention over to them. Banished rogue disloyal impulse from Satan to do exactly that, smiled sweetly at Joey-Rebecca and said; “Excuse me, ma petite, there is an emergency that requires my attention.” Then shot off in the direction of novice new girl had earlier foisted off onto Mary-Lou, who was now lying still, grey, and to all appearances, dead. Between revealing lack of skiing prowess and listening to Joey, decided that revealing lack of skiing prowess was definitely the better option. However, managed to get all the way to the scene without falling over once. Perhaps am regaining said prowess. Hurrah!

12:32pm
Oh yes, and new girl is quite all right. She appeared to think that by pretending to be still, grey, and to all appearances dead, she might get away from Mary-Lou for a minute. Fat chance. She’s got a lot to learn.
Anyway, time for Mittagessen.

5:00pm
Skiing is over for the day, thank goodness, though managed much better this afternoon. Seems new girl rescue mission is just what self needed to get back on track. Anyway, Kaffee und Kuchen is over, so can finally stop dishing out coffee and get on with Lower V’s essays.

9:30pm
Grrrr. Had just settled down to begin corrections when Joey-Rebecca burst into staffroom. Could practically hear silent concerted groan of exasperation from fellow sufferers.
“I’ve just had the most wonderful news!” she boomed. “Mollie’s second cousin five times removed is going to be busy again!”
Desperately reached for the coffee pot and secret stash of Silk Cut, and thought about Inner Poise.

10:35pm
V. tired now. Had only corrected three essays after Joey-Rebecca left when Hilda-Perpetua came in fuming because she too had just been subjected to the torture. Entire staff spent delightful hour discussing Singletondom vs. Smug Married-dom, and then finally most of them pottered off to bed, leaving self here. Can’t go to bed until I’ve marked those essays. Will just have another fag and a coffee to calm nerves.

10:40pm
Right. Will definitely make a start now. Yes. Should have them all done before midnight.

11:45pm
Lalala. Have done it. Hurrah! Off to Bedfordshire now. Au revoir!

ETA: Do swallows make a V shape when migrating south? Is it just geese? Or both? Is it sad that this debate has been going on in my head most of the evening? :twisted:

Author:  abbeygirl [ 28 Jun 2008, 17:43 ]
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Am really enjoying this - glad you found the inspiration to continue...

Thanks

Author:  Mona [ 28 Jun 2008, 18:03 ]
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Quote:
Oh yes, and new girl is quite all right. She appeared to think that by pretending to be still, grey, and to all appearances dead, she might get away from Mary-Lou for a minute. Fat chance. She’s got a lot to learn.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Author:  LizzieC [ 28 Jun 2008, 19:52 ]
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What about Robin when she was still "the angel child"? :D

Thanks for these - just read them for the first time and they amused me greatly.

Author:  Anjali [ 29 Jun 2008, 11:29 ]
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Hilarious, Aquabird!
Have you considered doing Jack/Jem?

Author:  Lesley [ 29 Jun 2008, 11:44 ]
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Wonderful - and have just been reading the rest again and giggled all over again!


Thanks Aquabird!


What about Matron Webb or Besley?

Author:  Alison H [ 29 Jun 2008, 17:35 ]
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Good to see more of this :D .

Author:  Becky [ 29 Jun 2008, 18:25 ]
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Just found these and they're great - thanks Aquabird!

Author:  Elle [ 30 Jun 2008, 07:46 ]
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Good to see this back. Thanks Aquabird!

Author:  alicat [ 30 Jun 2008, 14:54 ]
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thanks for these i do love them

would love to see one fro the Nazi hunting Jack/Jo et al........

or from a normal resident of the Gornetz Platz - if such a thing exists :roll: :roll: :roll:

or a doctor trying not to be snared by a teacher.... :D :D :D

Author:  leahbelle [ 30 Jun 2008, 16:30 ]
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Thanks, Aquabird. This is great!

Author:  jilianb [ 30 Jun 2008, 19:53 ]
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Thanks Aquabird, these are really hysterical. Please can we have some more.

Author:  Aquabird [ 30 Jun 2008, 21:01 ]
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alicat wrote:
or a doctor trying not to be snared by a teacher.... :D :D :D

The bunny thought this was a peach of an idea and couldn't resist it!

Disclaimer:
The words/lyrics used in this entry come from the following poems/songs:
A Spoonful of Sugar – Mary Poppins
A Red, Red Rose – Robert Burns
How Do I Love Thee – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Longing – Matthew Arnold
To Mary – John Clare

Sources: www.poetry.com

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions! :D


The Diary of Doctor Darcy

Wednesday 16th June

Patients seen: 32 (excellent), CS mistresses avoided: 13 (improvement but v. unlucky number, hope is not an omen), possible love poems debated on: 55 (must improve)

6.30am
Up for quick bath and shave. Shift starts at 8am and don’t want to be late as am still quite new on San staff and don’t want to make bad start. Is lovely day. Wonder if Matron Jones is on same shift as self? Hope so.

6:45am
Just realised that being on day shift means am also less likely to run into any doctor-hunting Chalet School mistresses. They will all be teaching, hopefully. Unless there is an incident which involves unruly pupil becoming still, grey and to all appearances dead, thereby requiring immediate life-saving surgery from San which will ultimately of course mean said pupil will be reformed character when they regain consciousness. At least, that’s what Dr Benwick told me happens, and with unnatural frequency. One can’t help wondering if accidents aren’t “arranged” so that CS mistresses have excuse to visit San more often. Hope this is merely figment of self’s sick imagination. Thank God will soon be summer holidays, and they’ll all go home for eight weeks or so.

6:46am
On the other hand, eight weeks of leisure means eight weeks of uninterrupted plotting time for snaring doctors.

7:45am
Off to San now. Just had an idea for new poem. Don’t know why I keep persisting with this hobby, I mean, even if I did manage to find something that appropriately described my feelings, would never get up courage to actually say it to Matron Jones anyway. Besides, she is dating Dr Cleaver so wouldn’t be interested in self.

8:10am
She IS on this shift, and oh, she looks so pretty today. Roses are red, violets are blue… nah, too cheesy. Will put it to back of mind for now. Have patients to see to.

8:25am
Patients seen so far are doing well. V. happy. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down…no, no. That isn’t even a poem! It isn’t even about love! Must be medical atmosphere, etc. causing brain to think of it. Yes.

8:45am
Just seen Dr Cleaver snogging Matron Jones in X-ray room. Forgot he was on this shift too. Humph.

9:00am
Oh no, oh no, oh no. Just saw something flash past the window that looked horribly familiar. Please, no. Why isn’t she teaching? Or putting Naughty Middles in detention? Or marking essays? Or drinking nectar-like coffee? Or…

9:10am
Alas, I was right. Was CS mistress. Saw her peeking in at the window, holding large butterfly net. She giggled when she saw me look at her and disappeared. Am a goner. DOOOOM.

10:30am
Tea break time. Am in staff room, making tea. Oi, who ate all the digestive biscuits?

10:31am
Dr Cleaver has just come in with Matron Jones. They are sitting on sofa, holding hands and giggling. V. sad. O, my luve’s like a red, red rose, That’s newly sprung in June…no, no, haven’t got the right accent.

11:45am
Humph. Was walking past hallway window when CS mistress jumped in, still holding butterfly net, and proceeded to chase self round entire floor with manic grin on face in manner of axe-murderer. Dr Cleaver came out of patient’s room just in time to see self fall over hospital trolley and go sprawling on floor.
“All right there, Darce?” he said, roaring with laughter as CS mistress pounced on self with gleeful cry. Managed to fight her off and lock her in medicine cupboard for time being, but is only temporary measure. There’s plenty more of them out there….

1:00pm
Lunchtime. Am settled down in staff room with packed lunch. Wonder where Matron Jones is? Away for romantic walk in pine woods with Dr Cleaver, probably. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… Hm. Might be onto something with that one. Will come back to it. Gah, what’s that noise?

1:20pm
Help me, Lord, please. Am currently locked in store cupboard, but am definitely not safe here, and besides, can’t spend rest of life in here. It reeks of antiseptic, for a start.
After hearing the noise, looked up in horror from packed lunch to see whole horde of mistresses outside staff room window, giggling and pushing and pointing at me, and all carrying massive butterfly nets. Didn’t even think about next action. Just grabbed my lunch and bolted for life.

1:30pm
Wonder if it’s safe to come out yet? Will peek outside and see.

1:31pm
Nope, they’re still waiting, nets at the ready.

1:34pm
CS mistresses are still there.

1:37pm
Still there.

1:44pm
Still there. Panicking now. What if they haven’t gone by the end of my lunch hour? Will be in v. deep trouble if am caught hiding in here instead of getting on with rounds. Come to me in my dreams, and then By day I shall be well again! But I won’t be well again if I don’t ever get out of here!

2:05pm
Thank God. Dr Benwick unsuspectingly walked past, and, being unmarried and fairly young, captors decided to abandon self and go for fresh prey. Last I saw of him, he was climbing out of window using a bandage for a rope, with CS mistresses in hot pursuit. Feel sorry for the poor chap, but at least self is safe. For the time being.

3:00pm
Just walked past Matron Jones and accidentally-on-purpose dropped files on the floor. She bent down to help me pick them up and I not only got to brush her hand as she passed them back but also got a beaming smile.
“I hope you’re enjoying working here, Dr Darcy,” she said.
“Well, er…” I said, totally lost for words and groping in my head for an appropriate love poem. Except that was too mesmerised by her eyes to remember any. Then most unfortunately (or fortunately as the case may be, as was only embarrassing self even further) heard giggling of yet more CS mistresses in the distance and had to run and hide. Am total failure at love. Am going to die hopeless and alone and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatians. If am not captured by CS mistress, that is. V. sad. I sleep with thee, and wake with thee, And yet thou art not there…

5:00pm
Thank God shift is over. Now, can I get to car without being snared by CS mistresses? Oh, God, there’s another bunch of them waiting by the ambulance bay. Will have to make a break for it.

5:30pm
Have made it home unscathed, and have closed shutters, locked doors, activated burglar alarms, set booby traps, etc., so should be safe from CS mistresses. Until next time.

Author:  Clare [ 30 Jun 2008, 21:30 ]
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Just read these through from start to finish.. In a word - BRILLIANT! Looking forward to more!

If you did Angelic Robin, you could open with "number of times sang Red Sarafan..."

Author:  abbeybufo [ 30 Jun 2008, 22:16 ]
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Another brilliant one Aquabird - thanks :lol: :lol:

Author:  Alison H [ 30 Jun 2008, 22:16 ]
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:lol: :lol:

Author:  Lesley [ 30 Jun 2008, 22:44 ]
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Poor old Darcy!

Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  Anjali [ 01 Jul 2008, 02:52 ]
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Dr. Darcy is wonderful!!!
Obviously the CS mistresses think so too :) :) :)

Author:  Mona [ 01 Jul 2008, 08:26 ]
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Wonderful, thanks Aquabird!

Author:  Emma A [ 01 Jul 2008, 08:58 ]
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Really enjoying these, Aquabird - do like the image of a doctor running for his life from CS mistresses with butterfly nets! Do Robin, please - I would love to see how many times she would sing the Red Sarafan!

Author:  Lolly [ 01 Jul 2008, 10:05 ]
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Very funny!

What about Thekla....?

Author:  Aquabird [ 01 Jul 2008, 21:44 ]
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As it was exactly 2 years ago today that self joined the CBB (already!?), will celebrate by posting another entry. As requested by popular demand, Entry #17...the Robin!

The Diary of Robin “Das Engelkind” Jones

Monday 6th October

Times sung Red Sarafan: 64 (v. bad; am hoarse), hours spent in bed due to supposed illness: 3 (improvement), inches grown: 1 (excellent)

7:30am
Yawn and stretch, then groan as accidentally bang head and feet off ends of cot. Seriously, is getting ridiculous now. Why do they still insist on self sleeping in a cot even though am twelve years old? Am not a baby. Sing Red Sarafan to cheer self up.

7:31am
Hang on, though. Banging of head and feet must mean that am growing again. Will find tape measure and see.

7:33am
Yessss! Yessssss! Have grown 1 inch overnight! Soon will definitely be promoted from cot to bed. Who knows, one day might even be strong enough to leave Annexe for Chalet School proper! Sing Red Sarafan again in celebration.

8:15am
At Frühstuck. Love porridge and fancy bread twists, but would like a change occasionally. Like a full English breakfast, for instance. Wonder if craving for fry-up means have grown bigger appetite, therefore am getting healthier? Maybe should ask Oncle Jem.

9:00am
Oh, dear. Rosa opened the door to bring in more coffee, and the dust that rose up made self sneeze. Have been sent back to bed despite protests. V. sad. Will sing Red Sarafan again.

11:00am
Managed to persuade Tante Marguerite that sneeze was only caused by dust spore, so have been allowed up again. Sing Red Sarafan with relief. Really ought to learn another
song; is getting repetitive now.

12:00pm
Tante Marguerite is expecting visitors for Mittagessen. Better polish halo and practise Red Sarafan in readiness for usual “Engelkind” comments.

1:00pm
Was just in the middle of third rendition of Red Sarafan when breathed in a bit too much and inhaled scent of lady visitor’s perfume. Went off into massive coughing fit and was packed back to bed again. Humph. Will sing Red Sarafan in sad voice.

1:30pm
Having a late Mittagessen now. Put on pathetic face and sang Red Sarafan when Tante Marguerite came in with tray and said was only perfume that caused coughing fit, not suspected horror illness. Am to be allowed up again after nap. Hurrah!

2:30pm
Up now. Onkle Jem is going to take self for quick walk along the Sonnalpe. Am singing Red Sarafan in excitement.

5:00pm
What an afternoon. Was out with Onkle Jem, talking about self’s growth spurt, and was on the verge of persuading him to buy a bed to replace cot when heard horrible cry from cliff edge. Ran up to see what was going on and saw Joey-Jude clinging for dear life to jutting-out rock. Onkle Jem was reaching down to pull her up at once, so I, not knowing what else to do, sang Red Sarafan to keep up party’s spirits during rescue. When he had pulled her up safely and she was lying still, grey and to all appearances dead on the grass, decided to sing Red Sarafan in different key. Seemed to do the trick, because Joey-Jude sprang to life immediately. V. relieved. Will sing Red Sarafan to let feelings out.

7:00pm
Humph. Would think that after good deed bringing Joey-Jude back to life today, would at least be allowed to stay up a bit later for reward, but no. Have to go to Bedfordshire now. V. sad.

7:30pm
Wow. Do not care about going to Bedfordshire at usual time now, because cot has been replaced by bed! Good old Onkle Jem! Will sing Red Sarafan to celebrate. Hurrah!

Author:  LizzieC [ 01 Jul 2008, 22:22 ]
Post subject: 

*giggles*

Thanks Aquabird, and Happy Anniversary! :D

Maybe you should celebrate with a double posting? ;)

Author:  Lesley [ 02 Jul 2008, 06:42 ]
Post subject: 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Poor Robin!

Thanks Aquabird

Author:  Alison H [ 02 Jul 2008, 08:55 ]
Post subject: 

Happy anniversary!

:lol: Poor Robin.

Author:  Jennie [ 02 Jul 2008, 14:12 ]
Post subject: 

Happy anniversary. Shame she wasn't too hoarse to sing again.

Author:  Clare [ 02 Jul 2008, 17:56 ]
Post subject: 

:rofl:

Brilliant! Thank you - I had hoped that one rendition of the Red Sarafan would cause Joey to cease being "grey and still".

Author:  abbeybufo [ 02 Jul 2008, 18:08 ]
Post subject: 

:rofl:

Thanks Aquabird - brilliant :D :lol:

Author:  Abi [ 03 Jul 2008, 15:54 ]
Post subject: 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Ha ha! Have just found these - v. good! LOVED Robin's diary!

Author:  Emma A [ 03 Jul 2008, 18:47 ]
Post subject: 

That was fantastic, Aquabird, thank-you! Just one point, is The Red Sarafan the only song Robin knows? :wink:

Author:  Elle [ 04 Jul 2008, 07:43 ]
Post subject: 

It's her signature tune!


Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  JennieP [ 29 Aug 2008, 13:18 ]
Post subject: 

Just found these and sitting sniggering. My office mate thinks I'm a nutcase...

Author:  Aquabird [ 04 Mar 2009, 18:05 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 1/07/08 page 9

I’m sorry I’m so poor at updating this. My plot bunny only pops his head up when he feels like it, not when I want him to! Anyway, here’s the next entry, which by the way did NOT originally include imported cream cakes and evil dictators. It just kind of, er, spiralled out of control as a result of a boring afternoon at work. :lol:

The Diary of Elisaveta Jones

Friday 10th June

Royal visits made: 5 (excellent), cream cakes: 15 (g.), daydreams about the CS: 81 (v.g.), daydreams about Duke di Mirolani-Darcy: 100 (must improve)

7:00am
Was woken up by Alette, who reminded self that have lots of royal visits to make today, so had to get up early. Humph.

7:30am
At breakfast. Really miss fancy bread twists, rolls filled with honey, rich creamy milk, etc. that I had at Chalet School. At least am allowed to have some of Karen’s excellent cream cakes imported first class direct from Tyrol, so am not missing out on ALL the fun, but still. Wish self could have stayed there for longer.

7:32am
Gah, was so busy daydreaming about CS that spilt milky coffee all over tablecloth. Was told off by Alette for being clumsy. V. sad.

9:00am
At hospital now, getting ready to open brand new wing and make speech about it. Nice part of being princess is that get to see lots of good work being done by subjects, and meet lots of interesting people.

9:15am
Ohhh, who’s that handsome young man over there?

9:16am
Alette says his name is Duke Raphael di Mirolani-Darcy. Ding dong!

10:30am
Am at school now, reading stories to children. Can’t stop thinking about Duke di Mirolani-Darcy, though. Alette told me off for staring at him too much at the hospital.

10:45am
Was bored by storybook, so threw it away and started telling schoolchildren tales about life at CS instead. Alette was not impressed by unorthodox behaviour, but children were thrilled. Think Madame and Mademoiselle might be inundated with enquires for places at CS for next term.

11:00am
Back at palace now for quick cup of coffee and imported cream cake before next visit. Still thinking about Duke di Mirolani-Darcy in between thinking about CS. Wonder if he’s coming to the ball tonight? Hope so. Will make extra effort to impress if he is. Might even sing Red Sarafan! V. glad got the Robin to teach self it. Has been life-saver on several v. important occasions, such as that time Daddy had v. scary dictator of neighbouring country over to tea in diplomatic attempt to stop him invading us. Dictator was so impressed with self singing Red Sarafan that he welled up, then signed peace treaty with Daddy. Think this was quite possibly milestone in self’s career.

11:10am
Off for next visit now to art gallery to see self’s portrait being unveiled. Hated having to sit still for so long while artist painted, but hopefully will be well worth it. Quite looking forward to seeing self immortalised in paint.

11:30am
Just saw Duke di Mirolani-Darcy again! He’s here at grand unveiling!

11:42am
Portrait is excellent! Not actually sure am that pretty in real life, but certainly not going to complain. Saw Duke di Mirolani-Darcy having a good look at it, too! V. happy.

12:00pm
Off to printer’s now to see how they print books.

12:15pm
They’re printing Joey-Jude’s new book! Was presented with own personal copy by print work manager! Wonder if Joey-Jude would autograph it for me when she next comes out to visit? Love being friends with famous author. Is good conversation point for when visitors come to tea. Often find that the most unlikely people are closet fans. Scary dictator mentioned above happens to be one such person, and he was v. impressed that self was friends with Josephine M. Bettany herself.

1:00pm
Mittagessen. Am tucking into cream cakes that just arrived from CS this morning. Karen must have been feeling generous, as she included some fancy bread twists in hamper. She also included invoice for repairs to cream cake machine, though, as last order I sent caused it to blow up with exhaustion. Oh dear.

2:00pm
Last visit of the day now, to fire station to inspect new engine.

4:00pm
Back at palace now, getting ready for ball. Casually asked Daddy if Duke di Mirolani-Darcy will be there, and he said yes, so have asked Alette to look out best gown and tiara, as want to look my best.

7:00pm
Ready to go now. Am looking v. good, if say so myself, although scary stomach-holding-in knickers and corset are making it pretty hard to breathe. Hope I don’t pass out.

7:30pm
OhmyGod. He’s here, and he looks so handsome! He’s looked my way more than once, too!

10:00pm
Perfect, perfect evening. Duke di Mirolani-Darcy asked self for a dance, and just melted into his arms like hot butter. Went for romantic walk in rose garden after it, and we kissed under the stars! Am totally in love. Off to bed now.

Author:  Alison H [ 04 Mar 2009, 23:06 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

Quote:
Dictator was so impressed with self singing Red Sarafan that he welled up, then signed peace treaty with Daddy. Think this was quite possibly milestone in self’s career.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Good to see more of this. Oh, to have a life that involves handsome dukes and lots of cream cakes ...

Author:  Abi [ 04 Mar 2009, 23:45 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

That was the bit I was going to quote too :D . Also amused by people being impressed that Elizaveta knows Josephine M. Bettany :lol: .

SO glad to see more of this!

Author:  Elle [ 05 Mar 2009, 08:27 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 1/07/08 page 9

Aquabird wrote:
Scary dictator mentioned above happens to be one such person, and he was v. impressed that self was friends with Josephine M. Bettany herself.


:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:


I let out the most hysterical cackle when I read this Aquabird! Thank god there are no kids in work at the moment.

Splendid update!

Author:  Emma A [ 05 Mar 2009, 10:11 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 1/07/08 page 9

Aquabird wrote:
...Often find that the most unlikely people are closet fans. Scary dictator mentioned above happens to be one such person, and he was v. impressed that self was friends with Josephine M. Bettany herself.

This reminded me so much of (IIRC) Romancing The Stone, where the villainous tribesmen encountered by Kathleen Turner's and Michael Douglas's characters turn out to be fans of her romantic novels!

That was a lovely update, Aquabird - thank-you!

Author:  JS [ 05 Mar 2009, 10:24 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

Very funny, great to see more of this. Thanks Aquabird.

Author:  snowmaiden [ 06 Mar 2009, 13:13 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

I LOVE this drabble, aquabird, thanks! So glad to see an update. People are wondering what I'm giggling at, though. :lol:

Author:  Millie [ 15 Mar 2009, 04:07 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

Thanks so much Aquabird, this is hilarious, i especially enjoyed the one about the Robin!

Author:  JellySheep [ 18 Sep 2009, 12:33 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

Hilarious and brilliantly inventive, especially the green butter!

Author:  Smile :) [ 30 Sep 2009, 21:55 ]
Post subject:  Re: The Chalet School Diaries Updated 4/03/09 page 10

Just read the whole of this, thanks aquabird :D

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