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The CBB -> St Scholastika's House

#1: A Seaside Holiday Author: Emerence, Location: Australia

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:06 pm
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Joey hung her head out of the car window.

“Jack? I’ve been thinking.” Jack eyed her with some trepidation.

“What have you been thinking?”

He couldn’t help but remember that the last time she had said that to him, she had forced him into a pair of lime green bellbottoms. What’s more, she had made him wear them in public.

“Isn’t it nice to be getting away from everything for a change? Madge and Frieda are such dears to be looking after the brats and leaving us with all this time for travelling, holidaying, relaxing, lazing, sunbathing …”

“Sunburning,” added Jack, relieved that she had no current fashion whims.

“I do wish you wouldn’t keep reminding me of that. And anyway,” continued Joey, who believed in carrying the war into the enemy’s camp, “who was it who said he would make sure I was properly covered with the lotion?”

“And who kept wriggling so most of the lotion ran down into the sand?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now,” relented Joey. “Look, turn in here. This must be the next hotel. Marie said it was completely unforgettable, but she refused to say any more than that.”

“I think we must be in for a treat then,” said Jack.

He parked the car, and they got out and walked into the building. Almost immediately, a hovering little man with moustaches that seemed too big for his face set upon them.

“I take your shags plis?”

Joey and Jack stared at the man, thinking that they hadn’t heard aright. Until he repeated the question, that is.

“Oh, God,” said a tall man as he strode in. He was wearing a pair of tweed trousers that rode nearly up to his chest and he had on a particularly short tie. “Listen. No, listen, you stupid cretin. It’s ‘can I take your bags’. Bags, not shags. What do you think we’re running here, a bleeding brothel?”

He turned back to the stunned Maynards. “Sorry about that, we’re trying to train him. Although a performing monkey is about all he’ll be good for by the time he’s become a sentient being. Eh, Manuel?” And he turned to the little Spaniard and started making a monkey noise and hopping up and down and holding his arms like an orangutan.

“Actually, Joey, I left our bags in the car, I’d – I’d best go get them.”

Jack gave her a peck on the cheek and walked out very fast past the fake pot plants. The tall man stopped his monkey impression and eyed Jack’s back with suspicion.

“Anyway, where’s Polly? Honestly, she’s always scribbling away at something or other. Likes to call herself an artist. Rubbish, really.” He dinged a little handbell.

“Goodness, I can sympathise,” said Joey. “I was always a horrible artist at school. Actually, once I got thrown out of an art class.” Basil looked pleased at this.

“I thought you looked a sensible sort of person. For a woman, that is. You should see my wife. Fingernails to her wrists. Perm the size of Mount Vesuvius.”

Joey had uncomfortable memories of Joan Baker.

“Basil Fawlty’s the name,” said the man in simpering tones.

“I’m Mrs. Maynard,” said Joey, pleasantly enough.

“I find Meess Polly?” said Manuel, thinking that he should join in the conversation.

“Hardly,” said Basil crushingly. “We’d probably find you on the roof wrestling with that blasted flag pole again. Now where the devil is that girl?”

“I am from Barcelona,” explained Manuel to Joey.

“Really?” said Joey delightedly. “Oh, you don’t say. We had some people from Spain at school and they didn’t speak much English, of course, so I simply had to learn some. I had a fairly good understanding of it after a day or two, of course.”

“Yes, well, we don’t encourage him,” said Basil stiffly. His own Spanish was a personal bone of contention. “Might as well be talking to a decapitated squirrel. POLL-EEE!”

A young woman with blonde hair came puffing down some stairs.

“You called, Mr. Fawlty?”

“Obviously. Would you be so kind as to explain why it took seven and a half minutes for you to grace us with your presence? Is room number fourteen finished yet?”

The woman looked shame-faced. “Yes, it is. I lost track of the time, I was drawing and …”

“I knew it!” interrupted Basil. “Right, that’s it, next time I see you drawing you’re out on your ear – and you can take the Barber of Seville over there with you.” The Barber of Seville beamed amiably at the others, a step behind as always.

“Even not drawing on her breaks?” put in Joey with interest.

“Yes, what about my breaks?” said Polly.

“Well, obviously not on your breaks, daft girl – oh, does anyone here ever listen to me?”

“Can I see the drawing?” said Joey.

“Right,” said Basil, “fine, let’s all see the drawing; nobody ever takes time to think that I’m trying to run a hotel here.”

Joey ignored him and took the proffered sketch. Then she looked at it sideways, and then back to front, and then upside down.

“What is it?” she asked, slightly perplexed.

“Can I tell you later?” said Polly with a guilty glance at Basil.

At this point Jack came back in with the bags. Manuel rushed up and tried to take them, and inevitably ended up dropping them all.

“Well, I must be off,” said Basil in a smug voice. “Toodle pip. Enjoy your stay, won’t you?” And the proprietor strode out, leaving behind him a confused Spaniard covered in bags, a would-be artist, two open-mouthed tourists, and a wall-mounted moose head – very possibly sentient.

#2: Re: A Seaside Holiday Author: Lizzie, Location: A little village on the Essex/Suffolk border

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:22 pm
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Emerence wrote:

“Oh, God,” said a tall man as he strode in. He was wearing a pair of tweed trousers that rode nearly up to his chest and he had on a particularly short tie. “Listen. No, listen, you stupid cretin. It’s ‘can I take your bags’. Bags, not shags. What do you think we’re running here, a bleeding brothel?”

Fantastic! And great characterisation too, I can just hear him now...

#3: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 2:33 pm
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Great, I want more of this.

#4: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 3:24 pm
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Laughing

What a brilliant idea for a crossover!

#5: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 3:29 pm
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I never watched Fawlty Towers. But I'm already enjoying this!

#6: Author: Aquabird, Location: North Lanarkshire, Scotland

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 5:07 pm
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Genius! More please!

#7: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:20 pm
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Think Jack and Joey are in for an interesting holiday! Laughing

Thanks Emerence.

#8: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 8:53 pm
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I think they may have a slightly different experience to the one provided by Penny Rest!

#9: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 9:19 pm
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Laughing

#10: Author: Elle, Location: Peterborough

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 9:45 pm
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Brilliant!!!!!!!!

#11: Author: Emerence, Location: Australia

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 11:59 pm
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Thanks for the comments! Very Happy

Here's the next bit Wink

-----------------------------------------

When Basil appeared in the bar later that evening, the Major was already there nursing a glass, and Basil's wife Sybil appeared to have waylaid the Maynards at one of the tables.

“Hullo, my little tyrannosaurus,” said Basil, strolling over and making an elegant leg. He bent down and pecked Sybil on the cheek like Jack had done to Joey. Sybil didn’t even look at him.

“What do you want, Basil?”

“Want? Need I want something to kiss my wife?”

“When it’s you, then yes, you want something,” said Sybil coldly.

Basil made a sudden violent gesture in the air over her head, and the Maynards shrank back in alarm while Sybil kept talking placidly.

“Right,” said Basil. “Now that that’s done, can I get anyone a drink? Gin, whisky, hemlock …?”

“I’ll have a gin and tonic,” said Jack.

“May I please have a milky coffee with plenty of sugar?” Joey asked.

“Coffee?” said Basil. “What on earth do you want coffee for? Are you sober?” he added suspiciously, going over to Joey and sniffing the air around her head.

“Basil, do try to remember that the guests aren’t dogs.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” said Basil darkly, as he disappeared for the requested beverages. When he returned, Sybil was doing her laugh that sounded like someone screaming and hiccuping at the same time, and the Maynards were laughing with her. Basil didn’t like merriment. It gave him a headache. He slapped their drinks down on the table.

“And where do you live at the moment?” Sybil was asking Joey.

“Actually,” said Joey, “we’ve been living in Switzerland for some years now.”

“Ah yes, the Swiss,” said Basil in a would-be thoughtful tone. “Minds like holey cheese, I’ve always said.”

“Basil!” snapped Sybil.

“No, you’re right, dear, there’s nothing holy about them. Immoral lot, crowd of Continental rapscallions.”

Sybil turned to Jack and Joey. “I’m so sorry, he gets like this sometimes.” Basil was continuing without any heed for the others.

“Dancers, too, now they’re immoral. And artists, of course, they’re the bane of any decent person’s existence. Oh, and novelists, let’s throw them in there too, shall we? Sybil here owns the complete collected works of every romantic novelist ever to have contaminated the planet with their filth, isn’t that right, dear?”

“Well don’t pretend you’ve never looked at them. Once I caught you deep in that scene with the stable boy and Anthea’s knickers.” And she laughed her maddening laugh.

Basil stood up very straight and pursed his lips self-righteously, and then changed the subject.

“So, Mrs. Maynard, what’s your occupation? Doer-of-hair, like dear old Sybs? Ear-glued-to-the-telephone-answerer?”

“I write books,” said Joey. “Juvenile and historical fiction, mostly.”

“Really?” said Basil. “Really? Right.” His grin turned painful as he tried to salvage the situation. "Well, of course when I said ‘novelists’, I didn’t mean people who write books, of course not. Just people who come up with anything novel, really - new, novel, novelty, ahahaha.” He gripped his leg and grimaced. “Just a touch of something in the old leg, actually.”

“Do you want me to look at your leg?” Jack asked. Basil straightened up and looked at him as though he couldn’t believe his ears.

“Look at my leg? Why would I want you to look at my leg? Cor, the things I have to put up with. What are you, anyway, that you’re so fascinated with my appendages?”

“Pardon?” said Jack.

“Whaaaat aaaare yooou?” said Basil, deliberately drawing out the words (and making twirly hand gestures to go with them).

“I’m a doctor,” said Jack.

Basil visibly jumped back at this.

“Oh yes, didn’t I tell you, dear?” said Sybil with an air of one delivering the trump card. “These are Sir John and Lady Maynard.”

At these words Basil froze.

“But – but you said you were Mrs. Maynard.”

“I know. Awfully sorry about that,” said Joey. “Jack only got his baronetcy recently so I’m still getting used to the new titles, and sometimes I forget.”

Basil turned around and bent over. From what the others could see of his back, he seemed to have put his head down between his knees and his fists were balled on either side of his head. Then all of a sudden he bounded back up and turned around.

“Wonderful to meet you, Doctor. I don’t think I made that quite clear before. And what do you practice?”

“Medicine,” said Jack, who was convinced by now that he was talking to someone with retarded mental development.

“Medicine, jolly good, jolly good. Any particular branch of the old Medicine?”

“Well, I deal with tubercular cases, mostly, but I dabble in other areas too.”

“Right. Like Sybil, really; she dabbles in witchcraft.” Basil chuckled at himself, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. Sybil was not amused.

“Oh, and will you look at the time, we’ve just started serving dinner,” said Basil. “I do hope you will enjoy our finest epicurean delights. Sir John. Lady Maynard.” And he bowed them deeply out of the room.

Last edited by Emerence on Sun Feb 18, 2007 11:12 am; edited 1 time in total

#12: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 12:40 am
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This is particularly cheering! Laughing

Thank you!

...'dabbles in witchcraft'.... Laughing

#13: Author: Alice, Location: London, England

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 12:45 am
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Wonderful! Thank you Emerence, this is very funny.

#14: Author: Alison H, Location: Manchester

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 8:58 am
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Laughing

I love Fawlty Towers!

#15: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:10 am
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Marvellous - can see Basil there, desperately trying to extract numerous feet from mouth! Laughing

Thanks Emerance.

#16: Author: Aquabird, Location: North Lanarkshire, Scotland

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:40 am
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This is brilliant, Emerence, thanks!

#17: Author: white_hart, Location: Oxford

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:43 am
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Fabulous - Basil and Sybil are absolutely spot on! My husband has just come into the room and asked me what I'm sniggering about Very Happy

#18: Author: arky72, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 1:09 pm
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Laughing

this is extremely funny!

#19: Author: MaryR, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 1:42 pm
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Emerence wrote:

"What do you practise, Doctor?"...
"Medicine," said Jack.

Absolutely brilliant, Emerence. Laughing

I can HEAR these characters.

#20: Author: brie, Location: Glasgow, aka the land of boredom

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 5:38 pm
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fabulous emerence!!

absolutely fabulous!!

Laughing

#21: Author: Loryat,

Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:06 am
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I can't help feeling a bit sorry for Basil, he's such a fool. Embarassed

Nice to see the baronetcy has caught Joey at last!

#22: Author: alicat, Location: Wiltshire

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 10:11 am
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oh thank you! you have just cheered up a particularly depressing morning!
however my office is now confirmed in its opinion that I'm some sort of halfwit cos I won't tell them what I'm laughing hysterically at.......

#23: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 1:29 pm
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This is cheering up my first day back at work no end! Thank you so much! I haven't giggled under my desk so much for a long time Very Happy

#24: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 2:05 pm
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Just found this - it's cheered up a wet lunchtime immeasureably! Laughing

#25: Author: Fiona Mc, Location: Bendigo, Australia

Posted: Sun Feb 25, 2007 7:47 am
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Have just discovered this. Its hilarious.

#26: Author: Miranda, Location: Perth, Western Australia

Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 1:06 am
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Just came across this - it's brilliant! Your Basil makes me cringe just as much as John Cleese does Laughing

Any chance of an update please?

#27: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 3:04 pm
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Oh *rofl*! I love it, I might make my SLOC read this! Laughing

#28: Author: Lottie, Location: Humphrey's Corner

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:46 pm
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Some months later Embarassed

I've just found this. I'd love to see what happens when Joey and Jack go in to dinner. And what did they make of their room, when they were finally allowed to go and see it?

Is there any chance of any more? Please, Emerence.

#29: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 12:23 pm
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I just found this too and would love to read some more!

#30: Author: Rob, Location: Currently in a rainstorm

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:47 pm
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rofl

This is brilliant!!

Thanks Emerence, may we have another update please?

#31: Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 7:54 pm
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hee hee - loving it! Very Happy

#32: Author: wheelchairprincess, Location: Oxfordshire, UK

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:15 pm
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Adding my voice to those who have just found this and would like, no love, to read more!

The CBB -> St Scholastika's House

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