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| Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=8156 |
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| Author: | Abi [ Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:33 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
Sadly, most of this is not written by me, but by Jasper Fforde - I have merely changed a few names, but it amused me to do so. “Thursday!” panted Matey as several stockinged feet ran across her. “A complete set of Josephine Bettany novels in a walnut display case – run!” And run I did. Bettany was so prolific and popular she had a bookshelf all to herself and her recent boxed sets were fast becoming collector’s items – it was not surprising there was a battle in progress. I entered the fight behind the Abbess and was instantly punched on the nose. I reeled with the shock and was pushed heavily from behind while some else – an accomplice, I assumed – thrust a walking stick between my shins. I lost my footing and fell with a thud on the hard wooden floor. This was not a safe place to be. ... I turned and crawled rapidly across the carpet, climbed over the Schoolgirl Detective section to just beyond the registers, where the sales assistants rang in the bargains with a fervour bordering on messianic. I crept past them through the empty returns department, and dived under the Sea-Ranger section to emerge a scant two yards from the Josephine Bettany display; by a miracle no one had yet grabbed the boxed set – and it was very discounted: down from £300 to only £50. I looked to my left and could see the Abbess fighting her way through the crowd. She caught my eye and dared me to try to beat her. I took a deep breath and waded into the swirling maelstrom of popular prose-induced violence. Almost instantly I was punched on the jaw and thumped in the kidneys; I cried out in pain and quickly withdrew. I met a woman next to the Angela Brazil section who had a nasty cut above her eye; she told me in a concussed manner that the Mavis and Merle Ramsay characters appeared in both A Fortunate Term and Monitress Merle. I glanced over to where the Abbess was cutting a swathe through the crowd, knocking people aside in her bid to beat me. She smiled triumphantly as she head-butted a woman who had tried to poke her in the eye with a silver-plated bookmark. On the floor below a brief burst of machine-gun fire sounded. I took a step forward to join the fray, then stopped, considered my condition for a moment and decided that perhaps pregnant women shouldn’t get involved in bookshop brawls. So instead, I took a deep breath and yelled. “Josephine Bettany is signing copies of her book in the basement!” There was a moment’s silence, then a mass exodus towards the stairs and escalators. The Abbess, caught up in the crowd, was dragged unceremoniously away; in a few seconds the room was empty. Josephine Bettany was notoriously scatty – I didn’t think there was a fan of hers anywhere who wouldn’t jump at the chance of actually pinning her down somewhere definite. I walked calmly up to the boxed set, picked it up and took it to the counter, paid and rejoined Matey behind the discounted Fairlie-Bruces, where she was idly flicking through a copy of The Senior Prefect. I showed her the books. “Not bad,” she said grudgingly. “Did you get a receipt?” “Yes, ma’am.” “And the Abbess?” “Lost somewhere between here and the basement,” I replied simply. A thin smile crossed Matey’s lips and I helped her to her feet. |
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| Author: | cestina [ Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:14 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
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| Author: | shesings [ Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
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| Author: | Fiona Mc [ Thu Jul 22, 2010 12:49 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
| Love Matey getting one over the Abbess |
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| Author: | cal562301 [ Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:54 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
Wonderful! Thanks, Abi. |
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| Author: | ChubbyMonkey [ Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:05 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
| Thankyou!
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| Author: | Joey [ Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:11 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
| Wonderful. Even funnier than the original! |
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| Author: | Chatelaine [ Mon Jul 26, 2010 12:10 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
Matey would have been a fine successor to Miss Havisham! |
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| Author: | emma t [ Mon Jul 26, 2010 12:27 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bargain Books at Swindon BookTastic! |
 Love it! any more coming? 
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