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A Change of Heart-Margot's Story Completed 7/9/08
http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=2529

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 2:39 am ]
Post subject:  A Change of Heart-Margot's Story Completed 7/9/08

I never expected to write once my post grad course started thinking I wouldn't have time but the plot bunnies having been attcking me with a vengance and this one is particularly persistent so I thought I would post what I have written so far

Margot sat on the beach hugging her knees. She gazed at the ocean not really seeing anything, her thoughts too jumbled to really make sense of it all. Her grief wrapped itself around her.
"Oh hell, oh hell," she crooned to herself when it threatened to overwhelm her.
All she wanted so desperately was to be a little girl again and curl up on her mothers lap and be able to believe her mother’s words of it’ll be all right Margot-Mamma and Papa are here. A sob threatened to escape and Margot suddenly stood and sprinted down the beach knowing if she stopped she would cry and would never be able to stop. It was an hour or so later before she started to slow down and Margot slowly trudged back towards town. She would go home again-home where it was safe; cocooned from a world that just seemed too scary.

Margot walked through Bristol, she shivered when she passed a big forbidding building and hurried passed. She wondered if she would ever be able to forget this summer. Not forget little Jeanie-that didn’t seem right, but everything else. She started to shiver uncontrollably but resolutely kept walking.
"Come on Margot get a grip, you can’t break down until you get home again," she whispered to herself. Home and Margot was filled with a longing she never thought possible for her home.
'Oh if only it wasn’t so far away,' she thought. 'If only.'

'If wishes were horses beggars would ride,' she thought tunelessly. It was one of Maggie’s favourite sayings, that and it would make a cat laugh.
'Maggie,' thought Margot starting to smile until she remembered and her smile faded. She knew and with that an old familiar fury grew and nearly leapt out of control. Nearly but not quite; little Jeanie’s face reminded her of why she would never be able to lose her temper otherwise what would ever make her better than them. Margot’s face darkened at her memories of them. They were God’s representatives, so how could they behave as they did. Margot felt weary to the bone. It wasn’t Maggie’s fault and she, Margot had been so innocent. She sighed and blocked out all her thought, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other; the train journey to Dover and then to Calais and on to Paris and to Switzerland. It was late when she finally arrived on the Platz two or three days later, in fact Margot couldn’t remember how long it had taken. She stared about her, hoisted her bags up and started walking home glad to stretch her legs after the journey.
‘Nearly home,’ she thought. Home, her heart slowly stirring under the weight of grief she seemed to be carrying ever since she left that convent. She walked in through the front door and dropped her bags on the floor.
“Margot!” exclaimed her Mother walking out of the Salon to see who had entered the house.
“Margot’s home,” she yelled over her shoulder and Margot’s father was soon in the entry hallway too.
“Margot,” he said, striding quickly towards her while Joey had her enveloped in a big hug. Margot clutched her Mother wanting to believe she was finally safe again. ‘Please God,’ she thought, ‘please let me be safe again.’
It was when her Father wrapped his arms around her that she finally broke down, weeping on his shoulder and clinging to him.
“Its okay Margot you’re home,” he soothed, “Shh, sweetheart it’s all right. Come on I think you could do with being tucked up in bed. Joey get her something easy to eat, soup and rolls would be best and hot milk,” Jack said over his shoulder.
He gently lead his daughter upstairs to her room and when he tried to let her go so she could get ready for bed found Margot wouldn’t let him go. Jack sat down with her and rocked her as though she was a little girl again, while Margot sobbed in his arms, clutching on to her Father, never wanting to let him go.
Joey arrived with the tray. Jack simply nodded unseen by Margot while Joey started looking worried.
“Its okay,” said Jack to his daughter. “It’s been a long summer for you and it’ll take time for your soul to catch up with your body.”
Margot didn’t even nod, her sobs wracking her body. Joey sat on the bed beside them both gently rubbing her daughters back and humming softly. Margot was soothed into an exhausted state. Jack noticed her sobs had stopped and gently started feeding her the hot milk. Margot started shaking so hard, her teeth chattered against the rim of the mug.
“It’s okay Margot I think the sleep is your best friend at the moment,” and he nodded at Joey.
“Come on Margot, let’s get you ready for bed,” said Joey softly, filled with concern for her daughter. Margot nodded sleepily and Joey soon had her tucked up in bed. “Don’t go please, Mama please,” she whispered holding onto her Mothers arm desperately.
“I won’t sweetheart,” said Joey gently and sat beside her daughter holding her hands. Joey sat their staring into space. Margot wouldn’t let her go and would only hold her tighter when she tried to slip her hands out. Jack returned.
“She won’t let me go Jack,” said Joey worriedly. “She’s never been like this before, not since she was little.”
“I know,” said Jack, “I think it’s been a hard summer for her. Would you like me to sit with her for awhile so you can sleep?”
Joey shook her head, “no I want to stay with her,” she said determinedly, “and I can always have a nap tomorrow, all the kids are at school now except Marie Claire, whereas you need to be at the San.”
Jack nodded and collected a blanket and pillow for his wife. Joey curled up in the armchair beside her daughter and rested her head on the pillow beside her daughter. She dozed on and off throughout the night, waking partly because she could never get completely comfortable and partly out of concern for Margot. Margot cried her sleep from time to time and Joey soothed her with, “you’re home now darling, it’s okay, you’re home now” and the words seemed to soothe Margot to a restless slumber.

Author:  Miranda [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:33 am ]
Post subject: 

This is very intriguing - for Margot to break down to this extent it must be something absolutely awful.

Thanks Fiona, it would be lovely to see more!

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:25 am ]
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Oh no!- whatever Margot has been through has obviously had a profound effect upon her. Joey and Jack were wonderful there - just what you would want from parents.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:15 am ]
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There are some horrendous reports about what happened in some orphanages at that time - how awful.

Author:  Fatima [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 7:44 am ]
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Hooray for nagging bunnies! Thanks Fiona, this is a most intriguing beginning.

Author:  Ruth B [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 8:33 am ]
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V Powerful. And such a lovely Joey and Jack!

Thanks Fiona!

Author:  Lizzie [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:47 am ]
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Oohh...intriguing.

Thanks Fiona, looking forward to more...

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:29 am ]
Post subject: 

Thanks for all the comments. Thought I would give you a bit more

It was about three o’clock in the morning when Joey suddenly woke. She gazed at her daughter, but Margot was sleeping peacefully at the moment, though she still clutched her Mother’s hand tightly as though terrified if she let go her Mother would be gone for always. Joey sighed and tried to stretch a little but it was impossible to get completely comfortable. She gazed at her daughter, a little smile teasing her lips. She could remember countless nights sitting like this when Margot was a toddler and had been so unwell and desperately wanted her Mother to stay with her.
“Oh Margot,” she murmured, “I do so love you. You were my wee baby girl for so long.”
Margot’s whole body seemed to sigh at those words and she seemed to finally relax. Joey felt Margot’s grip loosen a little but she held Margot’s hand almost in promise, of ‘yes darling, I’m still with you through this night and won’t let go.’
‘What had happened to her baby girl,’ wondered Joey, ‘what had made her vulnerable, had broken her so.’ Joey could remember the letter she and Jack had received last Easter.

Dear Mama and Papa,
It’s hard to believe another term’s started and at the end of this I’ll have finished my second year of medicine. I really love the work and can’t wait to be fully qualified doctor. My best friend Maggie wants to be a GP back in her home country Ireland. Sarah has her heart set on Surgery. A lot of the boys give her a lot of grief over it all but as she has the highest marks in the entire year they soon shut up over it all. I’m about fifth overall, whereas Maggie is comfortably running seventh. I finally told her I was hoping to become a missionary Nun. She couldn’t believe it and wanted to know how much had I had to do with Nuns. I told her about Auntie Rob and LaSaggesse. She simply nodded and suggested I work with the nuns over my summer break because how could I really make a decision like that if I hadn’t really known what being a nun was like. It seemed like a good idea, so I spoke to the Mother Superior at the Order of Blue Nuns about it. Part of me is curious but a huge part of me would love to join them now and wish I could go on with my life’s calling. I feel like I’m only at the beginning of my journey and would love to be qualified and have taken my orders, though I know I will miss everyone terribly. Mother Superior thought it was an excellent idea for me to help out in a Catholic run orphanage and could understand my impatience, but suggested that may be I needed to learn to submit to God’s timing. She organised for me to go to an orphanage in Bristol, England for this summer, so I won’t be coming home. I start in June and finish in early September and will only have a couple of weeks free in between so it probably won’t be worth the journey. I’ll either come back to Edinburgh early or visit Con and Len in Oxford.

The letter went on about other things and Joey and Jack although had been disappointed at not seeing Margot were proud she wanted to work in an orphanage over the summer.
Joey gazed at her daughter wondering whatever had happened at that orphanage that had shook Margot so badly she had come home.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 12:06 pm ]
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It seems like a really good idea at this point.

Author:  Tan [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:25 pm ]
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Hmm. I am intrigued, particularly having heard stories of some orphanages in the 60's. Looking forward to learning more - and good luck with the studies!

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:09 pm ]
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Hmmm, she started with such high hopes, didn't she? Wonder what the reality was.


Thanks Fiona

Author:  francesn [ Sat Apr 21, 2007 3:08 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona - this is a really interesting beginning, but also quite a sad one.

Author:  MaryR [ Sat Apr 21, 2007 4:11 pm ]
Post subject: 

Fiona Mc wrote:
They were God's representatives.

I can see a little of where you are going with this, Fiona. :cry:

Author:  Cath V-P [ Sun Apr 22, 2007 9:57 am ]
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Oh...oh dear, I have an idea where this may be heading.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Apr 22, 2007 10:02 pm ]
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Jack peeped into Margot’s room early that morning and found his wife and daughter sound asleep. He smiled when he saw Margot seemed to be sleeping peacefully. He gently closed the door so as not to disturbed then and went and saw to his youngest three children. Geoff and Phil had started at the kindergarten branch of the Chalet School that term. When winter came they would become boarders but until then they would stay at home. Four year old Marie Claire their adopted daughter was still at home and although at times she loved being the one and only at home she did miss having her siblings around. Jack was relieved the three of them were up and struggling to get into their clothes and ready for the day.
“Gimme five Pa,” hollered Marie Claire when she saw Jack. “Up high, down low, too slow.”
Marie Claire laughed at the joke while Jack smothered a grin. Evvy Watson nee Lannis had taught his youngest that rhyme at the beginning of the summer. Jack had taken his two youngest on a long awaited father daughter trip to his childhood home in the New Forest and had seen Evvy Watson along the way. His youngest was an imitative little monkey and had picked up on Evvy’s American accent and way of saying things and before he knew it Marie Claire had renamed him Pa, much to Joey’s disgust, but Jack had insisted that Marie Claire be allowed to call him that and Joey had acquiesced grumbling
"Well I refused to be called Ma; it sounds too much like Ma and Pa Kettle."
Jack had chuckled. "Don’t worry," he said, "I doubt they’d call you that. You make it clear enough how much you hate the name."
Jack helped the three finish getting ready for the day.
“Time for breakfast,” he said genially.
“Where’s Mamma?” asked Geoff.
“Margot returned home late last night and she and Mamma stayed up late so the two are still asleep, so I’m afraid you’re stuck with just me this morning, Geoff,” said Jack teasingly, "it's a sad life."
“You’re silly, Papa,” giggled Geoff
And the four of them walked downstairs

Author:  Lottie [ Sun Apr 22, 2007 10:47 pm ]
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How lovely to see Jack with the children like that! :D I'm worried about what Margot has been through, though. I hope Joey and Jack can help her come to terms with it. :shock:

Thanks, Fiona Mc.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Sun Apr 22, 2007 11:58 pm ]
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That was lovely..... :D

Author:  Alison H [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:46 am ]
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That was very sweet.

Author:  Dawn [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 11:34 am ]
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Aww - Jack was so sweet there with the youngest ones, and I love that he stood up for Marie Claire calling him pa :lol:

Author:  keren [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 2:04 pm ]
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Jack was a nice Jack.
I was just wondering why there were no drabbles here and here this is

Author:  Fatima [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 4:52 pm ]
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Jack was a great father there - it's nice to see him being so relaxed with the little ones.

Author:  brie [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 5:57 pm ]
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thanks fiona this is beautifully written

Author:  Lesley [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:06 pm ]
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Love Marie-Claire's imitating Evvy - my brother plays that same game with his kids. :lol:


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  MaryR [ Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:24 pm ]
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Thank you, Fiona. Lovely dad there. :lol:

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:15 am ]
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Margot woke still feeling exhausted to see her mother soundly asleep in the armchair. “Oh Mum,” she said choked.
Joey sat up jolted awake.
“Hi sweetheart,” she said.
Margot started to tear up, “Oh Mamma,” she said.
“It’s so nice to see you Margot,” said Joey softly, smoothing Margot’s hair. “I’m so glad you came home.”
Margot clung onto her mother for a moment.
“Now, how about I get you some breakfast?” Joey asked. “Nothing too heavy,” when Margot started protesting she wasn’t hungry, “just some hot cocoa and maybe a roll and fruit.”
“That sounds wonderful,” said Margot with a sigh, “and about all I can manage too.” Joey nodded and moved out of the room, she quickly moved downstairs and returned shortly with a breakfast tray and Marie Claire.
“I’m sorry Margot,” she said, “but Marie Claire wanted to see you and Papa needed to take Phil and Geoff to school.”
“That’s okay,” said Margot starting to cuddle her little sister. “She can help me have breakfast.”
Joey hid her surprise at this for Margot rarely had the patience for her younger sisters except for Cecil sometimes who was as rumbustious as Margot had been.
“Mamma,” said Margot softly looking at her Mother, “thank you, I’m sure you probably could do with a sleep.”
“A bath more like it,” admitted Joey. “I need to freshen up.”
“Then off you go,” said Margot close to tears feeling guilty for having caused her mother to have an uncomfortable night. “Marie Claire will look after me, won’t you munchkin.”
“I’ll tell you a story,” said Marie Claire her face lighting up, “all about Mister MacDonald and his airplane.”
“That will keep you entertained for hours,” said Jo smiling and she turned away. Marie Claire and her story about Mister MacDonald and his airplane had become something of a family joke. Marie Claire started on her story that seemed to go around and around in circles because whenever she got stuck all she would say was and Mister MacDonald and his airplane. Margot started smiling at the ridiculousness of it all. Joey soon returned and stood at the doorway watching them. Although Margot was smiling she could see an intense grief in Margot’s eyes as she looked at her sister; almost as though she doesn’t see Marie Claire but someone else.

“I have two triplet sisters,” said Margot.
“I wish I had a sister,” said Jeanie wistfully.
“Maybe we could pretend I was you’re sister,” suggested Margot.
Jeanie looked at her with old eyes.
“No,” she said, with the stare Margot found so disconcerting in all the orphans, “I’ll still be here when you leave.” When you leave-the words reverberated through her thoughts.
‘I got to leave,’ thought Margot with overwhelming guilt. ‘I got to leave.’

She looked down at Marie Claire, ‘at least you were saved from the orphanage,’ she thought holding her close.
“You’re not even listening,” Marie Claire complained.
“I was thinking how glad I was, you became my sister,” said Margot simply.
“Was it sad at the orphanage Margot?” asked Marie Claire studying her face. “Sometimes,” said Margot smiling at her, tears echoing in her voice. “I think they all missed having a mummy and daddy.”
“I don’t know my mummy and daddy,” said Marie Claire matter-of-factly. “Mamma told me about them, but I don’t remember them.”
“I know,” said Margot.
Marie Claire made one of her funny faces. “Come on Margot lets go play.”

Author:  Lesley [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:03 am ]
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Lovely little girl - and so good that she's helping Margot.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Lottie [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:14 am ]
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Poor Margot! Obviously something terrible has been happening at that orphanage, and her sheltered CS upbringing hasn't prepared her for it at all.

Thanks, Fiona Mc.

Author:  Ruth B [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:10 am ]
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Lovely. Sometimes kids can be such a comfort in a way adults can't be.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:47 am ]
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Oh, poor Margot, and poor Jeannie, too.

Author:  MaryR [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:02 pm ]
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Clearly Jeanie no longer believes in fairy tales - or make believe. :cry:

Author:  Tara [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:42 pm ]
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I hardly dare read this, it's going to be harrowing - but so gripping!

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:19 pm ]
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Talk about 'Out of the mouths of babes' - literally - Jeannie and Marie-Claire are two very different children who have had two very different experiences, but both their reactions are so very, very revealing. And equally clearly, whatever Jeannie's experience has been, it's had an enormous effect on Margot.

But it's lovely to see Marie-Claire taking on the role of comforter so effectively. It gave me a 'flash back' to that scene in Head Girl (I think!) when the Robin is trying to comfort Grizel after the latter had thrown that stone at Deira. I almost expected to hear Marie-Claire say 'Pauvre Margot' in the same way as the Robin said 'Pauvre Grizel' there.

I think I agree with Tara - this is definitely going to be both harrowing and gripping. Thank you Fiona McC

Author:  Tan [ Thu Apr 26, 2007 9:52 am ]
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Marie-Claire is so sweet. I am glad that she is able to help Margot here. I was reminded of the Robin as well.

Author:  brie [ Sun Apr 29, 2007 4:51 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona

I have a feeling this is going to be so sad, but I am already gripped.

Author:  Mrs Redboots [ Sun Apr 29, 2007 5:34 pm ]
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I've only just discovered this, Fiona, as I don't come in here often - but now I shall come, checking for updates on this.

I have a feeling I shall need to replenish the supply of tissues that I keep beside my computer, though....

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Mon Apr 30, 2007 9:48 pm ]
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Thanks for everyones nice comments. RL is hitting with a vengence so it will be a few days before I can update. Sorry :(

Author:  francesn [ Tue May 01, 2007 1:11 pm ]
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Hope RL calms down for you soon, Fiona.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Wed May 02, 2007 10:08 pm ]
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Hard hitting, gripping and harrowing but lovely too. Hope RL gets better soon Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Thu May 03, 2007 6:39 am ]
Post subject: 

RL has settled down a bit, enough where I have a bit of time to work on this. So here's a bit more. Thanks for all the comments

Joey and Jack kept a close eye on Margot, but she never spoke about what had happened and neither wanted to push her until she was ready. Some queer feeling told Joey that Margot wasn’t ready to talk about it, not even to herself. She seemed content playing with Marie Claire, in fact it somehow seemed to help.
Part of Margot felt as though she was making up for all she couldn’t do for the orphans she had cared for that summer. Jeanie’s face haunted her and although she could forget a little during the day, she dreamt about her through the night.
“I’m sorry Jeanie,” she sobbed each night in her sleep. “I’m so sorry.”

“Anyway,” concluded Joey, “I needed to ask if you would talk to Margot.”
Grace Nalder gazed at Joey. She had known her since she first started teaching at the Chalet School and Joey had been one of the senior girls at the school. She had been very fond of her but it was with surprise that she accepted Joey’s request that she be Godmother to her daughter Margot. Unbeknownst to most people at the time Grace had been struggling with the break up of her engagement with her childhood sweetheart Robert Dougall. She had returned from teaching in Austria and the two had argued bitterly about Austria. Robert had seen all Germans as being Nazi but Grace with a remembrance and fondness for a number of her students had defended them. Both realized that they weren’t suited and the engagement ended. Although Grace had briefly mentioned it in passing to Nell Wilson in one of her letters, it had touched and cheered Grace to be asked to be Godmother. Somehow Grace had thought in breaking off with Robert she would never get married and therefore never have children. Margot always held a special place in her heart and the two had a close relationship, closer due to both living on the Platz and with their shared love of games. Although Margot loved Auntie Nell and Auntie Hilda, Auntie Grace held the distinction of not teaching her and so could sometimes talk to her about things that Margot would have dismissed from either Hilda or Nell as something they would say as Heads.

Grace shook her head.
“You want to start over Joey,” she said, “a lot of that was garbled.”
Joey sighed. The two were sitting at the kitchen table and were watching Margot and Marie Claire play outside.
“Margot seems to have a lot more patience,” observed Grace following Joey’s line of sight.
“She does,” said Joey a little sadly. She took a deep breath and began again.
“Margot organised to work in a Catholic orphanage in Bristol. She said she wanted to gain some experience with Nun’s and doing some of the work she would eventually do with them. Jack and I were a little disappointed not to see her, in fact all three stayed away this summer, but we thought it was too good an opportunity not to do it so we encouraged her to go for it. She said she wouldn’t be able to get back at as there would only be two weeks between finishing there and starting University again. About a week ago Margot turned up late at night. All she has said was she wanted to come home. Margot was really upset, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry like that before. Jack and I put her to bed and I stayed with her overnight, in fact she wouldn’t let me go. She’s been pretty quiet since but won’t talk about it at all. The only thing she has said at all is it was sometimes sad at the orphanage and that was to Marie Claire when she asked. Jack and I don’t want to push her but we both agree she does need to talk it out.”
Joey turned troubled eyes onto Grace,
“I sometimes feel that part of the reason she won’t talk is she’s scared of hurting us. That it’s too big and awful, not that she’s done anything wrong but what she’s experienced. I think perhaps she needs to talk to someone that is close but not as close as we are. I know she only went to Mass on Sunday to please us because she didn’t want to go and she just shut down through it all. It was as though her shadow was attending not her.”
“Grace, it’s not like her,” Joey was nearly crying, “I’m so scared for my baby, please would you try talking to her. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to be a Nun any more, but it seems like the person who she is has been destroyed and nothing she ever believed is real and true any more.”
Joey calmed down and wiped her eyes. “Please Grace, I know it’s a lot to ask and maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I know she thinks a lot of you.”

Grace gazed out the window at Margot. She had noticed a huge change in the girl at Mass on Sunday but Margot had left rather quickly with the three youngest Maynard children, using them as the excuse not to stay.
“How about if I spend some time with her?” she suggested at last. “I can’t promise anything but I’ll do my best.”
“Thanks Grace,” said Joey with a watery smile.

Author:  Miranda [ Thu May 03, 2007 7:25 am ]
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Good luck to Grace - I hope Margot is soon able to talk about what happened. Joey is being very perceptive and patient.

Thanks Fiona

Author:  Alison H [ Thu May 03, 2007 7:53 am ]
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Hope Margot will open up to Grace.

Author:  Lottie [ Thu May 03, 2007 8:11 am ]
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I hope Margot can open up to Grace - I'm sure bottling it up inside her won't help.

Thanks, Fiona Mc.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu May 03, 2007 3:01 pm ]
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I'm not sure I want to know what Grace is surely going to find out. :cry:

Thanks, Fiona

Author:  brie [ Thu May 03, 2007 3:55 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona.

((((Margot))))

Author:  Liz K [ Thu May 03, 2007 5:12 pm ]
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Thanks, Fiona, this must be a hard one to write, it's certainly going to be hard to read.

But please tell us more!

Author:  Sarah_K [ Thu May 03, 2007 5:57 pm ]
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I hope Grace is able to help and I'm glad Joey was able to see where she can't help and find the right person. It must be hard for her watching Margot hurt and not being able to help her. :cry:

Thanks you Fiona

Author:  Cath V-P [ Thu May 03, 2007 11:43 pm ]
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Hopefully Grace will be able to reach Margot. Poor Joey, she's being very patient and handling this very well, given the amount of damage that the summer's experiences have done to Margot.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Fri May 04, 2007 10:00 am ]
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It's nice to Grace here I always felt she was underused later in the series. And I hope she can help Margot. Thanks for this I know it has to be hard to write (((hugs)))

Author:  francesn [ Fri May 04, 2007 2:03 pm ]
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So glad that Joey feels she can turn to Grace. I hope Margot will be able to open up to her.

Thank you, Fiona.

Author:  Carolyn P [ Fri May 04, 2007 3:44 pm ]
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This is an amazing story, and must be very difficult, well done.

Author:  Lesley [ Tue May 08, 2007 9:50 pm ]
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(((((Joey))))) :cry:


Let's hope that Grace can help.

Thanks Fiona

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed May 16, 2007 1:19 am ]
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I apologised for the delay, this next bit and the one after were written but I wasn't sure if it really said what I was wanting and it's the kind of story I want to do justice to. Thanks for all the comments from everyone

Grace spoke to Margot briefly on her way back to St Millie’s and invited her goddaughter to Kaffee und Kuchen. Although Margot nodded and agreed Grace could understand why Joey was so worried, there was something so lifeless about Margot.
Margot turned up at Grace’s abode soon after 4 o’clock that afternoon.
“Come along Margot,” she said with a smile drawing the girl to her small sitting room, take a seat. “Would you like coffee or cocoa or a cold drink?”
“Coffee thanks,” said Margot quietly. “I don’t get coffee like we do here in Edinburgh.”
“I know,” said Grace cheerfully. “It was one thing I missed when I first left Tyrol.” “What did you do when you left?” Asked Margot trying to steer the conversation away from herself.
“I was engaged,” answered Grace quietly. “My fiancé Robert and I had a fairly major difference of opinion and decided being married was not the best thing to do.”
“I’m so sorry,” apologised Margot red faced.
“Don’t be,” said Grace gently, “it was all over a long time ago and I have no regrets.” She gave a rueful smile. “It would have been worse to marry him.”
“So what did you do then?” asked Margot interested despite herself. She had never heard her Auntie Grace talk about herself like this before.
“I became an ambulance officer,” said Grace with a smile. “I started off in London. It was hard work especially with the bombing of London and later I went to the Continent. I could speak fluent French and German which was a help. After the War was over I stayed on the Continent and worked for the Red Cross, mainly helping families reunite after being separated during the War.”
Margot listened stunned. “How did you find it,” she whispered spellbound.
“Hard at times,” said Grace with a sigh. “Many of the first people I helped had been interned at Ravernsbruck Concentration Camp. We lost so many in those first few weeks after the War was over.”
“Oh Auntie Grace,” said Margot softly, putting her arms around her godmother and hugging her gently.
Grace held Margot’s arm touched by her concern.
“It happened a long time ago,” she said patting Margot’s arm, “but sometimes it still seems like yesterday.”
“How did you ever cope with it?” breathed Margot.
“I stopped after awhile,” said Grace softly. “I think I just broke down. I stayed at Nell Wilson’s cottage in Devon that summer and let my soul catch up with my body. I couldn’t cope with a lot of things and felt like the world was evil and nothing good could ever happen or man could never be kind to man any more.”
Margot said nothing. It was too much how she felt.
“I started working as a Games Mistress at Dulverley High School and did Singing and Music as well and then when I heard this place was starting I applied for a job here and got it. I still work for the Red Cross as a volunteer over the summers,” said Grace slightly dreamily. “Emmie Linders an old girl of the school works for the Red Cross in Germany and she organises it for me. I still feel like I’m helping out without being burnt out from it all.”
“But how did the nightmares stop, how did you believe life could be good or people could be good again,” whispered Margot.
“That took time,” said Grace slowly. “Sometime it still feels like people can surprise me with their goodness or I’m saddened but not surprised by how terribly people can treat others.”
“And the nightmares,” said Margot almost inaudibly.
“I just kept so busy so I would be too tired to dream,” said Grace. “It was a moment by moment thing, I was scared if I stopped I would remember and I didn’t want to and of course nights alone are the worst because you can’t help but think. Eventually they did pass and I could start to remember the people I did help.”

Author:  Lesley [ Wed May 16, 2007 7:27 am ]
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Oh poor Grace - and of course it's very likely that she would have done exactly that. Very sad - yet probably just what Margot needs to hear.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Carolyn P [ Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am ]
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It is good to hear a bit of Grace's story, and she is just the person to help Margot.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Wed May 16, 2007 9:16 am ]
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What a wonderful thing for Grace to have done and just sharing that story is bound to have done lots to help Margot.

Author:  MaryR [ Wed May 16, 2007 12:13 pm ]
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Fiona Mc wrote:
Let my soul catch up with my body.

What a very telling phrase, Fiona.

Hoping that this unburdening from Grace will allow Margot to do the same.

Thank you.

Author:  Mrs Redboots [ Wed May 16, 2007 12:26 pm ]
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Thank you, Fiona. This is so sad. Poor Margot - and poor Grace, too.

Author:  Alison H [ Wed May 16, 2007 1:10 pm ]
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Poor Grace.

Thanks Fiona - this must be hard to write.

Author:  Elbee [ Wed May 16, 2007 3:42 pm ]
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I hope Margot is able to talk to Grace.

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Tan [ Thu May 17, 2007 6:13 am ]
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Thanks for the update Fiona. I think you are doing justice to the story - I suspect many of the staff and older girls were caught up in these sorts of events from the war. I am saddened though at Margot having nightmares, but pleased that she has found someone who can empathise with her.

Author:  brie [ Thu May 17, 2007 10:19 am ]
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Thanks Fiona, its great to see an update to this even if it is so sad.

You are definitely doing justice to this, you just write so beautifully.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Thu May 17, 2007 11:42 pm ]
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Thank you Fiona, this is vert compelling. With the knowledge and awareness of all that she has seen, Grace will truly comprehend what Margot has witnessed.

Author:  linda [ Fri May 18, 2007 10:39 pm ]
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MaryR wrote:
Fiona Mc wrote:
Let my soul catch up with my body.

What a very telling phrase, Fiona.



I so agree with you Mary.

I've only found this tonight and I love it. It is good to know more about Grace. Hopefully she will be the one to help Margot come to terms with what she has experienced at the orphanage. Margot has led such a sheltered life, nothing has prepared her for the experiences she will need to face if she is to follow the path she has chosen

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:59 am ]
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Thanks for all the comments. This has been harder to write than I thought

Margot wriggled to face Grace, “the orphanage was so horrible,” she said. “The nuns,” and Margot gave a shudder, “weren’t kind or caring at all. I guess I expected it to be a little like school with no parents but everyone trying to be like a family to each other. How naïve and stupid I was,” said Margot somewhat bitterly. “At first they just seemed indifferent. Some Nuns were and others seemed to just lose their temper and punished the girls for the most ridiculous, petty things. I know some girls could be difficult but they weren’t anywhere near as bad as I was,” Margot finished in a low voice. “I didn’t even realise it at first.”
Margot stopped and stared into space, while Grace sat so still hardly daring to breathe. Margot began almost dreamily, “Jeanie was one of the most, cheeky endearing kids I had ever met. I’m not really a kid person. Len is, but Jeanie just got under my skin.” Margot’s eyes darkened, “and now she’s dead,” she said almost inaudibly. “What happened?” asked Grace hardly knowing what to say.
“Sister Francis hated her and would punish her for the slightest offence. I tried to help her but... I used to tell her stories of us as kids. She wanted to know what it was like having a family and there were so many of us. Nothing I did made a difference in the long run. One day though Sister Francis made her stand in the rain all day and night for something she had done. Said she behaved like a hooligan and hooligans belonged out side. It started to rain and when I said she should be allowed inside that it was enough Sister Francis said no she would decide. She made her stay out all day and at night I started to bring her inside but she made her stay out longer. I stayed out with her if they wouldn’t let her in then she wasn’t going to be alone. I was reported to Mother Superior for insubordination but I refused to leave her alone, by that time she was shivering so violently they allowed her to come inside. I said if they didn’t allow her in then they would be responsible for her being so sick.”
“She got a fever and kept getting worse. They wouldn’t send for a doctor at first because I think they were afraid of the consequences, but everyone could see she was seriously ill. They let me stay with her cos there was nothing the doctor could do and all I could do was cuddle her and tell her that I loved her and she would be a beautiful angel in Heaven with God. She told me she wished I had been her big sister. And the worst thing was I knew was, she was better of dead because she had no life in that orphanage,” Margot choked out.
She stared her godmother. “How could being dead be better than being alive, Auntie Grace?”
“I don’t know,” said Grace at last. She sat, cuddling Margot, while Margot submitted to being held without really releasing the burden she was carrying.
“You did everything you could Margot. You showed her you loved her and she died knowing that,” said Grace softly, feeling so inadequate to help Margot deal with what had happened to her.
“But that’s just it,” burst out Margot. “I could have accepted it more easily if she died of some illness but not because of someone’s mistreatment and cruelty, I can’t accept that. It’s not right or fair. Poor Jeanie deserved better.”
“I just couldn’t believe it,” whispered Margot, “she was a Nun. She had been called by God to help others and she hurt the ones God called her to protect. And the worst thing is I got to leave. The others are stuck there. They can’t escape.”
Margot sat silent, exhausted, staring into space. Grace sat with her quietly, her arm around Margot. Margot sat resting her head on her shoulder. There was nothing she could say.
Margot sat staring into space
“I thought Nun’s were different,” she whispered feeling exhausted. “In fact I’ve fought my own temper and who I am because I thought I should be a better person. Auntie Grace, Auntie Rob said to be a Nun you only have to be willing to serve. I used to get angry at times and struggled with that. Was I willing to serve God and I felt this calling on my life to serve him and it would have been so easy not to. To go out and have fun and not worry about working hard but I kept being pulled by God to serve and I got so angry and frustrated. I know I’ve done some awful things, to Ted and Betty and I failed God a thousand times over but I honestly thought, the more I kept trying, I would succeed. And I so desperately wanted to follow God. But these nuns don’t even seem to want to try and what about all the other poor kids living there still. I tried after Jeanie but no one would listen, not Mother Superior or the parish priest. Sister Francis is still there. I know she was a bit better after but in her eyes it was Jeanie's fault.” her voice trailed off.
“Oh Margot,” sighed Grace, “I’m so sorry.”
“I feel like I’ve failed Jeanie,” said Margot starting to shake. “She died and I wasn’t able to save her.”
“I know how that feels, Margot,” murmured Grace Nalder.
“Then how do you ever forget, how do you ever deal with it?” asked Margot dry-eyed and tearless.
“You don’t,” said Grace a little sadly. “You won’t ever forget, but you will realise and slowly live with the fact there are some you can help and save and other you just won’t be able to. You do the best you can and pray to God for the rest.” Grace gave a slight shrug. “It’s all I can do anyway.”
“But how could God let all this happen? If he is such a loving caring all powerful being in charge of the universe, then how could he let this happen? I can’t believe in someone who allows little girls to die, to be treated so badly that you thank God their life is over when you should be mourning that she’s gone.”
The two sat there silent on the sofa, Margot resting her head on Grace’s shoulder. Both felt utterly spent. They could hear the life of the school go on but neither moved until the shadows of twilight filled the room. Margot stirred and the two women looked at each other.
“Good Bye Auntie Grace,” whispered Margot, before swiftly headed back home.

Author:  Fatima [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:37 am ]
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That's such a tough lesson for Margot to have to learn. Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:41 am ]
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How awful. Thanks Fiona - I can imagine that this must be very hard to write.

Author:  Jennie [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:42 am ]
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Thanks, Fiona. That must have been very difficult to write. When we hear the tales of how some nuns treated orphans, it does make me wonder how those women managed to become professed nuns. It also makes me wonder why those children were punished for losing their parents.

Author:  Carolyn P [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:18 pm ]
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Chilling.

Thank you for writing more of this.

Author:  Carys [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:38 pm ]
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:cry: Can't Sister Frances be reported to the police? Surely she could be charged with manslaugher.
Poor Margot.

Author:  brie [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:49 pm ]
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Oh Fiona!!

This is so sad, but thnk you for writing it

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 6:04 pm ]
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Problem is that everyone will just close ranks - how terrible - that poor child - and poor Margot. :cry:


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Pat [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 6:07 pm ]
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Think how long it took for abuse in children's homes to come out. Years! No one would believe that it could happen.

Author:  MaryR [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:42 pm ]
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Unfortunately, the good ones - nuns and homes - get tarred by the bad ones. They were not all like that. My three cousins were put into an orphanage in the fifites when their mother developed TB and their dad couldn't look after them. They had the most wonderful time, were loved and cared for, and actually looked forward to returning there when my aunt became ill again a few years later.

And Margot, God gave people free will and this nun chose to do as she did - through a mistaken belief in what was right and what was wrong. That little girl died through the nun's fault, not through God's.

Author:  linda [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:11 pm ]
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Wow - Fiona, what a powerful story, so charged with emotion. No wonder Margot is shaken in her vocation.

MaryR wrote:
And Margot, God gave people free will and this nun chose to do as she did - through a mistaken belief in what was right and what was wrong. That little girl died through the nun's fault, not through God's.


Mary, you are so right. Margot needs to understand this before she can move on.

Thank you Fiona

Author:  Rosalin [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:26 pm ]
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Oh this is lovely, thanks Fiona, but really sad :cry:

Carys wrote:
Can't Sister Frances be reported to the police? Surely she could be charged with manslaugher


Presumably the Church would just close ranks around Sister Francis :evil:

Author:  Sugar [ Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:27 pm ]
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Powerful stuff Fiona.

Unfortunately orphanages and unmarried mothers homes were places of horrendous actions by those in charge and yes the Church would just close ranks. It still does today over issues of child abuse unfortunately. Just because they are religious men and women they think they are above the law.

Author:  Elle [ Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:53 pm ]
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Very powerful. Thanks.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Sat Jul 07, 2007 10:24 pm ]
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So powerful I have goosebumps. Thank you. And ((hugs)) that must have been hard to write so make sure you take care of yourself.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:53 am ]
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Thank you Fiona, this must have been difficult to write; sadly there were (and are) people who abuse the power that they have been given over others.

And for Margot, the encountering of this level of abuse, and the questions that it asks of her, has clearly been a traumatic experience that has pushed her into adulthood.

Author:  Jennie [ Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:45 pm ]
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Sugar, I really have to take exception to some of what you wrote.

It's my opinion that if these people in Orders do abuse children, they are not religious at all. The Christian religion says 'Suffer the little children to come unto me,and forbid them not, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.'

If you abuse a child, you are certainly not serving God, and do not deserve to be a member of an order, whether a professed nun or an ordained priest and deacon.

I do agree with what you wrote about them closing ranks to shield those who committed the abuse, in the mistaken belief that the organisation is more important than an individual's suffering. It isn't. Don't forget how many people are morally blackmailed into believing that they will be made to stand alone before God to answer for their actions. If we have to do that, why should professed nuns and child-abusing priests be exempt?

Sorry, this whole topic has me ranting. Abuse by those in power is as bad as terrorism in my opinion.

Author:  MaryR [ Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:28 pm ]
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Sugar wrote:
Unfortunately orphanages and unmarried mothers homes were places of horrendous actions by those in charge and yes the Church would just close ranks. It still does today over issues of child abuse unfortunately. Just because they are religious men and women they think they are above the law.

As I've already said above when talking about orphanges, not all these places were bad, Sugar. You can't tar them all with the same brush. And we are talking here, with Margot's story, about the Sixties, not the earlier decades. I can vouch for the fact that the unmarried mothers being looked after by Catholic Rescue Society (run by Religous then and from where we adopted my daughter only 10 years later in the Seventies) were placed in small family units and were shown a great deal of love. I speak from experience as I spent time with them.

The Church did close ranks in the past, a lot of the time through sheer ignorance of what constitutes a paedophile, not because they thought they were above the law. I don't think today that this is the case at all, but the Church still has a long way to go to redeem itself for past mistakes. And it accepts that.

Above all, I don't think many *religious* people today regard themselves as being above the law. The many priests and nuns I know are humble, loving men and women who do their very best for others.

Author:  Ruth B [ Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:12 am ]
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I would have to agree with everything Mary and Jennie have said. The Church has made some terrible mistakes in the past, and people suffered because of it but both the Catholic and Anglican Churches are making tremendous efforts to atone for the mistakes from the past and put stringent policies in place to protect future children. It is so easy for those of us who are fairly young to remember just how ignorant of issues of child abuse people were. And let's remember that the majority of children are abused by a friend and family member where denial and closing ranks is even more likely to happen even in modern times.

Back on to the story:

I'm glad to see more of this and really feel for Margot. After her sheltered upbringing the shock is so much sharper and more painful.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:58 am ]
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Margot returned back to Edinburgh four days later. Grace watched her leave from a distance. Margot turned and saw her standing there. She gave a kind of half shrug before climbing into her fathers care. Joey wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Take care Margot,” she said. “Remember you can always come back any time.”
Margot nodded and Jack drove away. Grace moved to stand next to Joey. Joey looked up at her with a watery smile.
“Want some coffee?” she asked.
It wasn’t until they were both sitting down at the kitchen table that Joey mentioned Margot.
“She seemed a little easier in the last few days, but oh Grace…” her voice trailed off.
“I know,” murmured Grace softly and put her hand comfortingly onto Joey’s. Tears dripped down Joey’s face.
“I’m sorry,” she apologised, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’ve been holding it together for Margot,” was all Grace could manage, feeling close to exhausted herself.
“Thanks Grace,” said Joey softly, “for everything.” Grace nodded, not really sure if she had helped Margot at all.

Margot arrived back at Edinburgh exhausted from travelling. She walked back to her room passing Maggie’s room along the way. Maggie was sitting on her bed buried in a book. Margot paused at her door unsure whether she felt up to talking with her friend. She gazed at Maggie. Her anger had slowly been building in the three days of travelling. In fact her anger had given her the energy to get back to Edinburgh. It simmered under the surface, but Margot was half shocked at how visceral it was. She desperately tried to bury it.
‘I won’t be like those Nun’s,’ she thought over and over to herself. ‘I won’t…. I won’t.’
Weariness seemed to seep into her very bones and Margot turned to move on.
"Margot," said Maggie putting her finger in her book and closing it. “Come in.”

Author:  brie [ Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:06 pm ]
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Thank you Fiona.

Author:  MaryR [ Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:20 pm ]
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Grace has been a tower of strength, but Margot's anger is so deep and all-consuming that she needs to punch a few walls - or she may do damage to herself and others.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Lesley [ Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:45 pm ]
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Hope Margot is able to release some of that anger in ways that will not harm herself or her friends.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Rosalin [ Sat Jul 21, 2007 9:31 pm ]
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I hope Margot can find a constructive, or at least harmless, way to deal with her anger.

It must be so hard for Joey and Grace unsure if anything they can do will help.

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:11 am ]
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Maggie stood up looking for a bookmark. “Want a coffee?” she asked.
Margot nodded dumping her bag at the end of the bed and sat down. “When did you get back?” she asked tonelessly.
Maggie hesitated. “A few weeks ago,” she finally said quietly looking at Margot. “My Father and I had a bit of a difference of opinion as did the rest of my family so I came back early.”
Maggie’s face hardened while she said this. “Here’s the coffee,” she said trying to speak normally.
“Thanks,” said Margot looking directly at her friend.
“That bad?” asked Maggie quietly.
“You tell me,” said Margot with barely suppressed rage and grief tangled inside her. “Why, Maggie? Why did you suggest that I work in an orphanage? If you really knew what Nuns were like couldn’t you have just said?” Margot’s grief was palpable.
“Would you have….Maggie started to say before her voice trailed off.
“Maybe not,” said Margot with a suppressed sob “but…”
The two stood gazing at each other.
“Why Maggie,” whispered Margot, “I know you don’t believe in God much but why?”

The silence grew until it encompassed the room; neither moved nor spoke, both lost in there own grief and musings.

Finally Maggie moved and sat on the bed beside Margot, her voice almost inaudible. “My sister Siobhan is only fifteen. It happened two years ago. Loved to read, always had her nose in a book. She was such a sweet gentle kid and she believed. I didn’t so much. Mass on Sundays was just something to get through, not what I really wanted to be doing but for Siobhan it meant something.” Maggie’s voice trailed off.

“What happened then?” Margot finally asked hardly daring to breathe.
“She was raped” said Maggie harshly. “She came home crying and was belted for allowing such a thing to happen. Da asked how she could be so stupid to allow such a thing to happen; called her all sorts of horrible names. Siobhan just stood their crying until Mam took her upstairs and cleaned her up. They just wanted to hush the whole thing up,” Maggie went on bitterly, “but Siobhan was pregnant. She was distraught, blamed herself. Da exploded worse than when she was raped and took her to the Nuns of Magdalene. It’s a home for girls who have fallen pregnant out of wedlock. They run a laundry and do manual labour until they deliver but unless the family go back after they have their babies they have to stay. Da doesn’t want Siobhan anywhere near him. Margot, they’re punished for falling pregnant and it’s not even their fault. I’ve tried to see her but they won’t let me and I can’t get her out of that place until I’m twenty-one.” Margot stared at Maggie, tearless. “How bad is it?” she whispered.
“Bad,” said Maggie exhausted. “Da and I argued all summer about it but he won’t go see her or get her out of that place. And I can’t, not yet.”
“Oh Maggie,” murmured Margot.
“Margot, how can you want to be a Nun? How can you even want to be one of those people? They only punish. Is that what you want to do?” asked Maggie pleadingly
“No,” Margot shook her head and she hugged her friend tightly.
‘I hate you God!’ She thought fiercely, ‘God I hate you, do you hear me? I hate you….I hate you.’

Magdalene Laundries
I was just an unmarried girl
I’d just turned twenty-seven
When they sent me to the sisters
For the way men looked at me
Branded as a Jezebel
I knew I was not bound for Heaven
I’d be cast in shame
Into the Magdalene laundries

Most girls come here pregnant
Some by their own fathers
Bridget got that belly by her parish priest
We’re trying to get things white as snow
All of us woe-begotten-daughters
In the steaming stains
Of The Magdalene laundries

Prostitutes and destitutes
And temptresses like me
Fallen women
Sentenced into dreamless drudgery
Why do they call this heartless place
Our Lady of Charity
Oh charity

These bloodless brides of Jesus
If they had just once glimpsed their groom
Then they’d drop the stones
Concealed behind their rosaries
They wilt the grass they walk upon
They leech the light out of the room
They’d like to drive us down the drain
At the Magdalene laundries

Peg O’Connell died today
She was a cheeky girl
A flirt
They just stuffed her in a hole
Surely to God you’d think at least some bell should ring!
One day I’m going to die here too
And they’ll plant me in the dirt
Like some lame bulb
That never blooms come any spring
Not any spring
No, not any spring
Not any spring

by Joni Mitchell

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:42 am ]
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Oh my, that's powerful - and made all the more so because it did used to happen. Even today there are many who blame the woman for being pregnant - even by rape.


Poor Margot - this is such a baptism by fire for her, isn't it? Will she be able to retain her faith?


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  brie [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:44 am ]
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Wow...

Thanks Fiona

Author:  Alison H [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 12:19 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona: this must be so hard to write.

Author:  MaryR [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:16 pm ]
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Powerful stuff, Fiona. Thank you.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 2:35 pm ]
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Powerful indeed, Fiona - thank you

Author:  Rosalin [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 2:50 pm ]
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Unkind (if understandable) of Maggie to try and put Margot off like that - not all nuns are bad.

I agree with the previous posters, this is certainly powerful writing.

Thanks Fiona

Author:  Jennie [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:24 pm ]
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It is, very powerful.

But let us not forget that the British Government also encouraged the emigration of orphan children, who were then allocated to farms and workplaces in countries such as Canada and Australia, and many of those children, who thought they were going to good homes, were treated as slave labour. They were overworked, unpaid, badly fed and poorly clothed, and robbed of all human dignity and all their rights as human beings.

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:02 pm ]
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I don't think any of that is denied - but the fact remains that some 'religious' houses and people that were supposed to have given their lives to caring for others did anything but - the fault of the people themselves, not the religion that they were supposed to be representing.

Author:  Fatima [ Mon Jul 23, 2007 4:28 am ]
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I hope Margot sticks with her plans; maybe she can make a difference to some people's lives by being different from the sort of nuns she's learning about at the moment.

Thanks Fiona, this is very thought-provoking.

Author:  Ruth B [ Mon Jul 23, 2007 3:10 pm ]
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I hope Margot can get through her anger and emerge, healed, on the other side.

Author:  RroseSelavy [ Mon Jul 23, 2007 3:26 pm ]
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Lesley wrote:
I don't think any of that is denied - but the fact remains that some 'religious' houses and people that were supposed to have given their lives to caring for others did anything but - the fault of the people themselves, not the religion that they were supposed to be representing.


The problem is, a lot of nuns/monks/priests in the past didn't give their lives - they didn't *choose* the religious life so they probably ended up unimaginably bitter...

I'm not sure if it was so unkind of Maggie, in a way - Margot has to know that this is going on if she's going to become part of the church. It was a horrible experience, certainly, but she would have found out that these things went on sooner or later. Now she knows what actually goes on and what she's up against.

Thanks, Fio. I'm really interested to see what Margot does.

Author:  wheelchairprincess [ Mon Jul 23, 2007 6:14 pm ]
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I actually think that maybe Maggie didn't know any better. I am now very intrigued as to which way this is going to go.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  keren [ Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:46 pm ]
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RroseSelavy wrote:
Lesley wrote:
I don't think any of that is denied - but the fact remains that some 'religious' houses and people that were supposed to have given their lives to caring for others did anything but - the fault of the people themselves, not the religion that they were supposed to be representing.


The problem is, a lot of nuns/monks/priests in the past didn't give their lives - they didn't *choose* the religious life so they probably ended up unimaginably bitter...

.


If some people who came in the end to be nuns, were originally girls sent to a convent, you can understand that they carried on treating people in the way they were treated.

The question is indeed whether she will realize that not everyone is like that and remember La Sagesse and the nuns there.

Author:  Tan [ Tue Jul 24, 2007 8:17 pm ]
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Wow. This is a powerful story and I can see why it is raising so many different points of view. I remember my mother telling me that many of the kids that she went to school with were 'promised' to the church - either to be a nun or priest. This was in the days before Vatican II. I wonder how many of them ended up resenting the choice that was made for them?

At the same time there were some truly wonderful people who were compassionate and helped a lot of people.

Thank you Fiona.

BTW, did you ever see the Brides of Christ miniseries on the ABC?

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed Jul 25, 2007 12:02 pm ]
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Tan wrote:
BTW, did you ever see the Brides of Christ miniseries on the ABC?


I watched in avidly when it was on TV years ago. I loved the show. Thanks for all the comments everyone. I love reading everyone's different viewpoints on this.

Mother Superior of the Order of Blue Nuns arose early as she always did, knelt by her bed and began to pray. Margot Maynard was in her prayers as she had been throughout the long summer; Mother Superior prayed for all the girls who talked to her about becoming a nun, some only briefly, while others she seemed to pray for months or years. Margot had first written to her during her final years of schooling expressing her desire to serve God as a medical missionary. Mother Superior had written back her usual standard letter, explaining a little of the process and stating clearly that she needed to spend time in the world before she could truly know if she was called into the service as a nun. Something from that first letter had prompted her to pray for this girl.

She finally met Margot for the first time when Margot was on the way to University in Edinburgh. A tall red haired girl with blue eyes that had a snap and bite to them or twinkled when she was amused. Mother Superior noticed her bubbling enthusiasm and a barely concealed impatience to get things done now.
“So you want to be a nun?” she asked humourously.
“Yes,” replied Margot gazing at the nun full in the face.
Mother Superior held off asking why instead she gazed at Margot long and deeply. Margot didn’t flinched, instead submitting herself to Mother Superior’s probing gaze.
“So you like to do battle, Margot,” Mother Superior said breaking the silence. “Sometimes, most of the time,” admitted Margot surprised by her own honesty, yet compelled to be honest to this woman sitting before her.
There was no judgement in her, just keen eyed observations. It felt a little like having Con and Len in front of her, but inside one person: the compassionate understanding of Len and the perceptive truthfulness of Con.
“Then how will you ever become a nun?” asked Mother Superior gently, directly, probingly. “Your personality is one for show, to be the centre of attention and when you don’t you will do almost anything to be the centre of attention and it seems you use anger to help you get there and pride won’t allow you to move for anyone else. You’re impatient with others’ frailty and imperfections and yet you express a desire to care for the weakest and the frailest amongst us. We do not look for praise or gratitude; only to serve.”

Margot stood silent, contemplating the question asked of her. Her innate honesty responded, “In my weakness, it’ll become His strength,” she murmured almost inaudibly. “If I allow God to work in me then any kindness or gentleness or love is truly His not me. And people will see God. I can’t be that kind of person without his help. And with His help I’ll allow him to do all He asks to do.”
Mother Superior gazed at Margot with interest. “Good-by Margot,” she said. “I hope I will see you again.”
Margot left that meeting feeling strangely uplifted and encouraged

It was Easter when Mother Superior was visited by Margot again.
“So Margot,” she said. “You wish to work with Nuns in an orphanage.”
Margot nodded eagerly. “I’ve prayed about this,” she said almost shyly. “I truly feel as though I’m meant to do this, this summer.”
“Let me pray about this, Margot” said Mother Superior gently, “and I will let you know of the answer. It may not be what you are meant to do yet.”
Her prayers filled her with a deep foreboding and the answer she received was:

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you Simon that you faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers. Luke 22: 31-32.
And,
You have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being that much more precious than gold that perishes, though tested by fire, may be found to praise, honour, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ
1 Peter1:6-7.

“Oh Margot,” she murmured, “This is your time of testing.”
“God,” she prayed, “pour out your grace and mercy upon her please. Protect her as she walks through this fire and enable her to search for your healing and guidance with this, God please help her to know she is carved on the palm of your hand and you will never let her go.”

“Margot, I believe you are right, and this is where God is leading you this summer,” said Mother Superior to Margot. “We would like to pray for you and over you as you go on this journey.”
The nuns prayed over her and Margot returned to Edinburgh joyfully, excited about working in an orphanage that summer and although it was now October, Margot hadn’t returned and Mother Superior was worried.
“I have prayed for you, Margot,” she murmured in the quietness of her room, “and I will keep praying for you.”

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Jul 25, 2007 1:00 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona. I was never sure that Margot was suited to the life of a nun: it'll be interesting to see what she decides.

Author:  Rosalin [ Wed Jul 25, 2007 5:30 pm ]
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I hope Margot's faith survives her time of testing, whether or not she truly has a vocation. The Mother Superior seems to be very different to the nuns at the orphanage, maybe she will be able to help Margot?

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  brie [ Wed Jul 25, 2007 5:36 pm ]
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Mother Superior seems a lot nicer. Thanks Fiona!

Author:  MaryR [ Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:43 pm ]
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A very compelling and far-sighted Mother Superior, with great humanity. Just like Margot, we are all thrown down into the deep, and tested severely, at some point in our lives. Some of us, without His help, would never survive - I certainly wouldn't.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Lesley [ Wed Jul 25, 2007 8:42 pm ]
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Hmmm, does the Mother Superior know something of what happens at that orphanage?


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  roversgirl [ Mon Nov 05, 2007 9:19 pm ]
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hi, have just found this drabble. it is truly powerful writing. I hope you continue it at some stage. thanks for this insight into the other side of margot.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:12 am ]
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My apologies that its been so long since the last update but Margot has taken me where I wasn't planning on going so what I had writen or direction I thought of heading in isn't happening

Margot was hurrying along the footpath, returning from the library. She felt so tired. Maggie was in bed with bronchitis while Sarah was trying to study for a test. It had been such a hard term and all Margot felt like doing was sleeping. She felt constantly like she wanted to explode but couldn’t. Margot paused at the corner, waiting for the traffic to clear. She and Maggie had never mentioned their conversation again and Margot had never felt so helpless with her friend. She could do or say nothing that would change anything for Siobhan, all she could do was stay close to Maggie and let her know that way that she cared. Margot sighed. She still went to Mass each Sunday despite what Maggie said or felt, not that it gave her much comfort or hope and more often than not Margot spent most of the time struggling with not yelling at God. ‘I hate you God, do you hear me? I hate you.’

Margot leaned against the pole feeling exhausted and not able to move another step, wishing again that she didn’t feel so tired and could find a way out of the dark black clouds hanging over her. She was just too tired to argue with God anymore and too tired to follow after Him.
‘God,’ she whispered, ‘do you care?’
She heaved a sigh that seemed to echo with a longing too deep to share. Margot wearily started to walk home.

Author:  Alison H [ Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:34 am ]
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Thanks for writing more of this - and, as Joey would say, you know that characters are "real" when they won't do what you intended!

Author:  Lesley [ Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:52 am ]
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Poor Margot - she must feel so alone.


Thanks Fiona - and know the feeling well! :lol:

Author:  PaulineS [ Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:04 pm ]
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Good to see this back. :) :) :)
Hope someone can help Margot and Siobhan soon.

Hope Maggie gets well soon.

Author:  MaryR [ Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:15 pm ]
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St Teresa of Avila, a great saint and doctor of the church, spent a large part of her life as a nun yelling at God for the way He treated His friends. She told Him it was no wonder He didn't have many! :lol:

So Margot is in good company. So often we hurl abuse at the One who loves us most. Poor, poor Margot. :cry:

Thanks, Fiona. (I know all about the stubborness of one's characters - they have a life and a mind of their own!! :twisted: )

Author:  linda [ Tue Jan 01, 2008 5:27 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona, lovely to see this back. :D :D

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 4:02 am ]
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Sarah was sitting on her bed looking deeply into space as if asking for inspiration. Although, she had grown up in Edinburgh Sarah had decided to live in at University. She hated the huge empty house she had grown up in. An only child, Sarah was the daughter of an eminent woman surgeon. Her Mother had worked extraordinary long hours, with very little time for her daughter; grief stricken after her husband’s death, Dr McIntosh threw herself into her job, rarely spending time with her daughter, so much so, Sarah barely noticed her death when she was seventeen, only enough to vow she would never shut herself away from people the way her mother had. A quiet reserved girl, Sarah struggled to form bonds with anyone until she met Maggie and Margot Maynard. Both girls offered her open hearted friendship and camaraderie of ‘we are the only girls doing medicine this year and so we’ll stick together’. She sighed, although Margot had never told her what was wrong, Sarah knew something terrible had happened


‘So does Margot know?” asked Con from the back seat of the car.

Len turned around from her front seat in the car. “Not from what Sarah says in her letter, just that she wanted to surprise her. She said she has a huge house in Edinburgh and thought it would be nice to have our 21st in Edinburgh as Margot was busy at the refuge and couldn’t travel to Oxford.”

Con gave a sigh, “I’m glad Sarah wrote,” she said, “It would have been awful not to be altogether for our 21st.” She changed the subject. “Are we nearly there yet?”

“Soon,” said Reg Entwhistle from the driver’s seat.

“I can’t wait to see her,” went on Con, “she hasn’t written much this term at all and we never saw her over the summer either. I wonder what she does at this refuge she works in.”


Len and Con had been in touch with Margot to try and organise their 21st birthday together. Margot had simply said she was busy with her volunteer job at the local homeless refuge and wouldn’t be able to travel down to Oxford this year as she had other years. It had been an unexpected but welcome surprise when Sarah a friend of Margot’s at University had written and suggested having their 21st birthday party at her house in Edinburgh. None of the triplets had seen each other over the summer as Margot had volunteered at a Catholic orphanage and Len had worked in a London hospital as an interpreter and stayed with her cousin Bride. Con had visited an old school friend Odette Mercier after Odette’s mother had passed away after a long illness. Con had noticed a flatness in Margot’s voice when she had talked to her on the phone about their birthday and if she hadn’t known better she could have sworn Margot sounded relieved that she couldn’t make it to Oxford for their birthday. Len wrapped up in her relationship with Reg hadn’t noticed anything. They had organised for their two brothers Steve and Chas to have a weekend away from school and come along for their party. Con sighed wondering if they were doing the right thing and whether Margot would really be happy to see them.


Margot gently touched the homemade card from Marie Claire. She had drawn a picture of Mr McDonald’s airplane and Margot read the last sentence in her letter.
‘I miss you Margot. Come home soon please.’
‘I miss you too, baby sister, mine,’ thought Margot choking back a sob, ‘but I can’t see you soon, you would all be so disappointed in me, Oh Mamma,’ thought Margot desolately and resolutely put the card down and brushed impatiently at a persistent tear.

Author:  Lesley [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:50 am ]
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Poor Margot - they wouldn't be disappointed in you girl.

And interesting to note that Con is the most perceptive here.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 7:38 am ]
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Hope she is pleased to see them all.

Author:  Elbee [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:19 am ]
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Poor Margot. I hope she's happy to see her triplets.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:32 am ]
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Hope the suprise helps Margot.

Author:  Tan [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:39 pm ]
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Oh, poor Margot. I hope this weekend is the sign that she is looking for.

Author:  Chelsea [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:49 pm ]
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Eek - I fear this weekend may not go well (though in the longterm it may prove beneficial).

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:29 pm ]
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Margot was working at the homeless refuge that afternoon. She could remember meeting John, the man in charge of the homeless refuge along with Father Jack Reilly….

“Are you okay, miss?” asked a voice.

Margot stood up from her seat on the bench, “Yes, thank you,” she said listlessly looking at the man who asked the question and then stared.
The man emanated such peace and gentleness that Margot was somehow drawn to him. She struggled to swallow and to Margot’s horror, she started weeping, ragged sobs that came from deep within. The man took in the situation at a glance and gently led Margot aside to a small café on the street. He pushed her into a chair before walking swiftly off to collect tea for them both.

Margot rested her elbow on the table, her head in her hands. “I feel like I could sleep for a week,” she said almost inaudibly.

The man smiled, “why don’t you then?” he asked almost humourously.

“School, study, the usual,” said Margot yawning and rubbed her eyes with her fingertips.
She sat there peacefully drinking the tea the man had brought over relieved this kind stranger hadn’t asked any questions.
“So what do you do?” she asked more because she felt it would be rude not to say something.

“I work here,” he said with a smile and spread out his hands.

“This café?” asked Margot in surprise

“It’s not just a café,” said the man, “but somewhere the homeless can stay if they need a bed to sleep and some food. The kitchen and dinning area is here and the bedrooms are upstairs.”

Margot gazed around her, questions on the tip of her tongue. She almost asked why but she didn’t want to hear anyone else’s pain like Maggie. She couldn’t understand why this kind stranger hadn’t asked her why she had cried earlier.

“I’m Margot,” she said instead

“And I’m John,” said John divining Margot wasn’t ready to talk.

Margot had been drawn back to the refuge and to John if she was honest and had started working their as a volunteer, mainly on weekends. A fifteen year old girl named Alison drew her attention. Alison was a thin, coltish looking girl, with a fearful look in her eyes. Margot had started chatting to her one night, and had shyly volunteered she was studying medicine.

“I had always wanted to be a teacher,” said Alison gazing into the distance, seeing a life she one dreamed of. “Stupid dream, that,” she said her face hardening, “like I could ever be that.”

“Maybe you can,” said Margot softly.

“Yeah right,” said Alison with a hard laugh. “How, I live on the street. Who would want me to be a teacher?”

Margot almost drew back from the pain and bitterness in Alison’s voice, but something prompted her to speak.
“I’ll teach you if you like. And I’m sure there are night classes and things too. John would let you study here and keep any books you need here for you. I could help you with it until you feel ready to do your final year exams. Maybe by then you would have a place to stay.”
Margot’s words were almost tripping over each in her eagerness. “That’s if you want,” she said hesitantly.

“You’d do that for me,” said Alison looking stunned and touched all at the same time. “Nobody…” she began before her face hardened again. “What’s in it for you?”

“Redemption,” said Margot looking shocked at what she just said, having spoken without thinking; while Alison gave a crooked smile.

“So when do we start?” she asked, “and I don’t want anyone else knowing, you hear?”

“Okay,” nodded Margot dumbly, too shocked to say much more.
‘Jeanie?’ She thought, before slamming the door on that thought and where it could take her, but tears scalded her heart as she strode home. ‘I’m sorry Jeanie. I’m so sorry.’

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:53 pm ]
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Looks like this could be something positive for Margot to get involved with.

Author:  Lesley [ Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:53 pm ]
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Poor Margot :cry: It wasn't your fault - keep saying that until you believe it!


Pleased Alison allowed her to help.

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:18 pm ]
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Jeannie didn't die in vain, Margot, if you can do this for Alison.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:39 am ]
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“Now,” said Margot, “you’re essay isn’t too bad but…”

“I knew there would be a, but,” said Alison lighting her cigarette.

Margot gave a rueful grin. “I can’t explain it except I liked your last essay better.”

“What!” exclaimed Alison incredulously.

“I wish I could explain better, Con could,” said Margot ruefully. “Con….” And Margot’s jaw dropped as she saw Con and Chas walk past the little office where she was tutoring Alison.

Alison leaned back in her chair. “Who’s Con?” she queried.

“My sister,” murmured Margot stunned. ‘Oh no,’ she thought, ‘not Chas.’ Out of all her brothers and sisters Margot dreaded seeing her younger brother Chas the most. For as long as she could remember Chas had the extraordinary ability to look at her and Margot would feel ashamed of not being all she could be, all without him saying a word.

“Margot,” said Con hesitantly at the door. “John said you were here. Len and I thought we would come for our birthday and surprise you.”

“Con, Chas,” said Margot almost inaudibly, “it’s lovely to see you both”

‘Not,’ thought Alison amused as she observed them.

“This is Alison,” introduced Margot gesturing to her.

“Its lovely to meet you,” said Con smiling warmly, while Chas smiled.

Margot turned to Alison hesitantly, “would you mind Con reading your essays?”

Alison looked guarded,

“She’s better at essay writing than I am,” said Margot quietly.

“I guess,” replied Alison

“Con, would you mind?” asked Margot.

“Not at all,” said Con looking curiously at them both and stretched her hand out for the sheaf of papers

“We’ll leave you to it, if you like,” said Margot inaudibly, while Alison threw her a nervous look and Margot saw her visibly shrinking in her chair.

Con smiled at her reassuringly. “I won’t bite,” she said with a grin. Con skimmed through the essays and then started reading one or two more carefully.

“Do you want a tour Chas?” asked Margot quietly.

“Sure,” nodded Chas and smiled at Margot. The two walked almost silently around the building while Margot pointed out the main areas.

“What are you doing with Alison?” He asked suddenly.

Margot stopped, “I promised, I wouldn’t say,” said Margot looking unsure.

“That’s okay,” said Chas with a smile. “It’s amazing what you’re doing here,’ he said gently touching Margot’s arm and smiled at his sister, while Margot desperately tried to smile back without breaking into tears.

‘Oh Chas,’ she thought silently.

“What happens to them?” asked Chas. “I mean, you give them food and shelter, but what happens to them.”

“You should talk to John,” said Margot glad for the distraction. “He’s concerned about all of that too. We don’t have anywhere else for them to go and some really want to get off the streets but it’s hard to find them somewhere more permanent.”

Margot led Chas back to John and soon got them talking about the refuge, while she went to check on Alison. She paused at the door.

“This is really good,” she heard Con say.

“But the grammar and stuff is awful. Margot said it didn’t make a lot of sense in places.” Margot could hear the suspicion in Alison’s voice.

“It is,” said Con thoughtfully, “but, there is still something that catches my eye. You write from the heart in this, whereas this one sounds too much like your writing like a book, but it doesn’t flow like this does. It sounds fake and contrived.”

Alison stared at her, while Con warmed to her theme. “Here I show you what I mean. If you write that sentence like that then doesn’t it sound better?”

Alison read the changes Con made and her face broke into a grin, “it does,” she said. “Margot was right, you are good at this.”

“Smoke?” asked Alison offering Con a cigarette.

“Please accept it Con, please,” thought Margot.

“Thanks,” said Con with a grin. “What’s this for anyway?”

“Margot’s helping me get into Uni,” said Alison blowing smoke. “Stupid, huh? But she thinks I can.”

Con looked at her consideringly, “I don’t see why not,” she said at last and looked up when Margot decided to walk into the room.

“Hey Margot,” said Con looking at her in such a way that Margot couldn’t bear to look at her sister in the face; she looked so proud of her.

Chas and Margot didn’t say much when the three finally left both busy with their own thoughts.
“You’re amazing Margot,” said Con sincerely. “I can’t believe you’re doing all this stuff. I’m impressed. What are you trying to do be the youngest saint on record,” she teased.
“Con don’t, please don’t,” whispered Margot with anguish and the teasing died out of Con’s face as she gently touched Margot’s arm.

“I’m sorry Margot,” she said sincerely. “I just wish I could do something like this sometimes and other times I know I’m too selfish too.”

“Oh Con,” said Margot looking at her sister miserably. ‘It’s too soon,’ she thought, ‘I can’t face any of them yet. Not yet.’

Con didn’t say anything more and even more tactfully didn’t say anything to either Len or Steve.

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Jan 04, 2008 7:12 am ]
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Pleased Con was able to help Alison - should mean Alison might find it easier to trust. Wonder if Chas can descern the problem? Hope someone is able to help Margot too. :cry:


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Jan 04, 2008 7:50 am ]
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Con handled that well.

Author:  Elbee [ Fri Jan 04, 2008 9:05 am ]
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I'm glad Con and Chas were impressed with what Margot was doing.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Mrs Redboots [ Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:01 pm ]
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Lovely to see this back, Fiona - and to see the tie-ins with your other drabble in St Agnes!

Thanks.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:33 am ]
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“Mind if I join you?” said Reg holding a drink in his hand, standing in front of Margot as she watched groups of her friends talking and laughing or dancing to the music. Margot had to admit, it was lovely of Sarah to open her house like this and Len and Con to organise all their old friends from the Chalet School to join them, except she didn’t want to see any of them.

“If you want,” said Margot sliding over on the window seat where she had been half hiding from everyone. Margot was thankful Reg seemed content not to talk.

“How are you finding working in England again?” asked Margot when she felt obliged to say anything.

Reg smiled. “It’s wonderful being so close to Len,” he said heartfelt. “I’m glad we decided I would come over to England to be with her.”

“I’m sure it is,” said Margot quietly, staring at the groups rather than Reg.

“How are you finding your course?” Asked Reg easily.

“Good,” answered Margot not really saying much at all.

“It can be heartbreaking work at times,” said Reg breaking into Margot’s thoughts again. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget some of my patients or their life stories from my student days. It really changed how I saw things …and God,” finished Reg almost inaudibly.

Margot stared at him, ‘what did Con say to them,’ she thought desperately, but soon realised that Reg seemed to be remembering his past life without really thinking about who he was talking to at all.

Reg turned and gave a gentle smile. “Your Dad was kind of my mentor,” he said quietly. “He was someone I could go and talk to about all this stuff and sometimes it’s hard to find someone to listen, when there’s so much that we do that few people can understand or comprehend why we even do the job we do.”

Margot gulped, she had never expected that kind of sensitivity from Reg; he was too much her sisters fiancé for her to ever see him as his own person. Len loved him and that was all Margot really saw.

Part of her longed to talk about her own experiences or rather listen how someone else got through all this and could somehow keep believing in God.
The worst thing, the hardest thing Margot was finding was everything she experience over the summer was slowly eroding her belief in God and her desire to believe in Him and she felt like she was betraying her younger self, the one whom despite the kind of person she was sometimes or rather a lot of the times failed to be; she had always believed in God and tried to follow him the best she could. This was the reason she thought would disappoint her family the most; that at the moment-and she couldn’t see her way through it-she couldn’t believe in an all-loving God. ‘God I hate you do you hear me, I hate you. How could you let those Nuns treat the girls like that? How could you let Jeanie die? She didn’t deserve it.’
And Margot could see God on the cross in her mind’s eye and would then feel so guilty about even being angry with God in the first place.
‘I wish I could get out of this. I wish this would end,’ thought Margot hopelessly. ‘God, are you even listening? Do you even care?’

Reg gently put his arm around Margot and Margot leaned against his shoulder enjoying the comfort he gave.

“Thanks,” she said tremulously sitting upright. Reg hid a grin. That was so like Margot. She rarely accepted comfort for very long, a brief touch and she would somehow hold herself together and keep walking. Reg could see her living a lonely and solitary life too stubborn to accept help from others and usually only offering practical help rather than herself. She was as hard on herself as she was on others and Margot could be pretty tough.

Margot turned and gave him a funny half smile. Reg smile back and decided to stay and keep her company, he could see a look in Margot’s eyes similar to some of his patient’s that had fought in the War, as though they could never truly forget the battles they had fought or what they had seen.

‘Oh Margot,’ he thought, ‘if only you would let someone help you.

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Jan 06, 2008 7:32 am ]
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Fiona Mc wrote:
‘Oh Margot,’ he thought, ‘if only you would let someone help you.'


Exactly - poor girl.


Nice to see a sensitive Reg.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Alison H [ Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:31 am ]
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Also thinking that it's nice to see a sensitive Reg.

Author:  PaulineS [ Sun Jan 06, 2008 3:39 pm ]
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This Reg reminds me of Patmac's Reg in Village boy. Caring and seeing people as individuals.

Author:  linda [ Sun Jan 06, 2008 5:41 pm ]
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Reg is being really understanding with Margot, sensing her need yet realising that unless she asks for help he can't really do anything.

Thank you, Fiona

Author:  Simone [ Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:14 am ]
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Thank you, Fiona

Author:  MaryR [ Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:20 pm ]
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How splendid both Con and Reg are being here. Now if Margot could just see her way to opening up....

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Róisín [ Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:59 am ]
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I've just caught up on this and it is amazing, really worth writing about and really worth reading too. Please write some more :wink:

Author:  Miss Di [ Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:07 am ]
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This is awesome Fiona. Brought a lump to my throat.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Mar 16, 2008 5:44 am ]
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Margot lent back and clasped her hand around one knee.
“There was one kid,” continued Reg almost musingly, “he seemed to adopt me when I started working on the TB wards. The doctors didn’t have much hope for him because they’d got to him too late.”
Reg turned to face Margot. “Margot, he the quietest kid, I’ve ever met, in fact I don’t think I ever heard him speak the whole time I knew him. He had these eyes, they were so old and he would watch, as though waiting for something to happen.”
“The Matron at the Hospital was an old battleaxe, she had all the nurses and half the doctors scared of her, but I found her one night sitting by the boy’s bed reading a story to him and I knew she had a soft spot for this kid.”
“One day his parents came to visit and his father had a horrible temper and was starting to lay into the kid and it wasn’t just verbal either. I was with him and I was petrified. I tried to say something to stop him but I failed miserably.”
Reg raised his head, but Margot’s head was bent and she didn’t see the self contempt in Reg’s eyes. “One of the patient’s must have called Matron and she came whirling in and started on the father. She was amazing and got in between this kid and his dad and turned to me and I bundled this kid out of the room and called for the other doctors. Matron collected the boy and took him off to her room and I felt so useless.” “Margot I felt like I had let this kid down. Why couldn’t I have done what Matron did? I became so angry, at myself….and at God”

Margot looked up stunned, you too she almost said, while Reg gave a rueful smile.
“I know,” he said. “How could I dare be angry at him….”
“But,” continued Reg, “I was so angry.”
“How did you get through it,” said Margot almost inaudibly.
“It took a long time,” said Reg staring downwards. “Your dad helped a lot and talked to me about some of the stuff he’s gone through.”
“Papa,” whispered Margot half surprised.
Reg nodded. “And, it wasn’t until I read somewhere in the Bible that it was better to throw yourself in the deepest lake or the worst fire or something like that than face God when you had harmed a child that I realised God was just as angry about what had happened, even more than I was and somehow, suddenly I was able to talk to God again.”
Margot’s thoughts were in a whirl. “You’re angry too, God?” she asked timidly and suddenly she felt like weeping, weeping because she didn’t feel so betrayed by God.
Reg seeing the brief relaxing of Margot’s demeanour turned and gave her a swift powerful hug.
“Thank you, Reg,” whispered Margot before they parted and Margot suddenly could see Reg as Reg and why her sister loved him.
“I wish,” she said softly and then stopped. “You wish you could be on your own to sort all this out,” said Reg with a grin, “but instead,” and his arm swept out to show the party.
Margot nodded.
“Margot,” said Reg gently, “why don’t you accept this gift that your sisters and friends wanted to give you.”
“Okay,” said Margot in a small voice and the two stood and started off to joining Len and Con. No one said anything when they joined the group, though Con noticed Margot looked slightly more at ease. Chas gave her a quiet grin which Margot unwillingly returned, unused to smiling.
‘God, you’re angry too,’ she thought with relief, ‘but then why didn’t you stop it?’ she thought, ‘why did you let it all happen?’ Her grief and anger started rising up but Margot resolutely pushed it back. ‘I’ll think about all this all later,’ she thought and turned to talk to her friends.

Author:  Alison H [ Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:32 am ]
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Good to see a nice Reg for a change.

Author:  roversgirl [ Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:51 am ]
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That was really lovely - Thank you.

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:17 am ]
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Lovely Reg - just what Margot needed to hear. And love the Matron. :lol:


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  brie [ Sun Mar 16, 2008 11:05 am ]
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Thanks Fiona. I've just caught up on loads of this, and I do so hope Margot will get a happy ending.

Author:  MaryR [ Sun Mar 16, 2008 4:17 pm ]
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Of course God gets angry, Margot - though how He stops Himself reaching down and rescuing suffering mankind is beyond me.... Maybe He expects us to do the rescuing, and all too often we fail Him.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  PaulineS [ Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:18 pm ]
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God has no hands on earth but ours, no voice but ours, no feet but ours, yet at times it is so hard to be God's representative on earth. He does not make it easy for us, but then He promised a Cross, not ease. Something we have to keep learning, along with the need to watch and pray. We may not understand so it is hard to live with the questions.

One question we used to ask students was if God is all Good, and all knowing and in control of the world, why is there evil in the world? No I do not know thw answer. I have to live with not knowing and after forty years of working with children some of whom do not survive childhood I too have asked the questions Margot is asking, and still do not have the answers. All I know is without a force for good, which I believe is God life would be even more problematic.

Author:  Miss Di [ Sun Mar 23, 2008 5:34 am ]
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As much as I am a card carrying member of DREGS, that was a very helpful and understanding Reg. Thanks.

Author:  Róisín [ Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:37 pm ]
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That was a very powerful entry, it was good to read.

Pauline, I also REALLY liked your first line about God's hands, voice etc.


Thank you both.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:06 am ]
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Sorry everyone for not having posted for awhile but most of the next few entries is handwritten as I had a few free moments to scribble it down without my PC anywhere in sight. Now I'm just trying to find a free moment to type it all out so I can post it. I should get the next couple of posts done in the next couple of days, fingers crossed

Con yawned, stretched and rolled over to see if either of her sisters’ was awake. No on had got to bed until well after five in the morning except for maybe Chas. Len was sleeping her hair tangled all over the place, but Margot’s bed was empty. Con wondered where she was. She glanced at her watch and saw it was only nine o’clock in the morning. The house was silent so snuggled back under the covers with an inward groan, ‘why can’t I ever sleep past nine o’clock,’ she thought grumpily, but Con had inherited her mother’s trick of once awake, of not being able to drop off to sleep again. She sighed, it was pointless to try and fall asleep again, so Con reached for her book and clothes and crept out of the room. Sarah had said last night that today would be a lazy day, while Maggie had threatened bodily harm to anyone who dared wake her before lunchtime.

No one else was moving downstairs, so Con made herself a cup of coffee, glad Sarah had taken the time to show everyone their way around the kitchen in case there were any early risers. She sat reading her book at the kitchen table enjoying the luxury of being able to read at breakfast without appearing to be rude.
“Morning Con,” greeted Margot entering the kitchen from the outside door.
“You’ve been out already?” asked Con incredulously.
Margot gave a slight grin and Con could see her triplet sister was looking slightly more relaxed than she had been yesterday.
“Want some toast?” Con asked and Margot nodded.
“I’m feeling a bit empty,” admitted Margot taking a piece of toast of Con’s plate.
“What time did you get up?” asked Con. “I thought I was the only one to up so early.”
“Oh, about seven or so,” answered Margot vaguely. “Chas wanted to visit the Refuge again, said Margot with a yawn, so we kind of got up early. I think I got a couple of hours sleep, whereas Chas was in bed by midnight so was looking better than I was. John was on, so he and Chas got talking again. Things are mostly quiet at this time of day, so Chas won’t see a lot and the kids tend to stay up late and so were only starting to get up when I left. Chas is helping with breakfast and didn’t want to leave and John promised to keep an eye on him and will drop him off at lunchtime after his shift ends.”
“So does John work there all the time?” asked Con interestedly, while made more toast.
Margot nodded her mouth full of food. “Father Jack is in charge but John tends to be there most weekends and evenings.”
Con looked at Margot with warm brown eyes and there was something in her gaze that caused Margot to drop her head.
“I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that,” she mumbled
“I’m sorry,” said Con almost laughing, “but I am,” impressed she continued more soberly. “I don’t think I could ever do something like this and you have the courage to put yourself out there and I think Chas does too,” she added reflectively. “I guess you can’t do anything different when you have a vocation for it.”
“It’s not that,” whispered Margot looking anguished.
Con looked at Margot for a long moment. “Did you want to talk about it?” she asked gently.
Margot shook her head miserably.
Con fell silent feeling like she had said was the worst possible thing to Margot, and wished she knew why Margot didn’t want her admiration.
“Margot,” she said at last, when the silence was becoming awkward and hoping she wasn’t going to say anything that would make things worse.
“Things change so much, or you feel like you’ve change so much, that sometimes those you’re closest too are the hardest people to talk about it all with; please remember that you’re my sister and I love you and I always will.”
“Thanks Con,” said Margot visibly relaxing at Con’s words and the two sat in companionable silence

Author:  brie [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:12 am ]
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Thanks Fiona

Author:  roversgirl [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:14 am ]
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Thanks very much - it's lovely :)

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:23 am ]
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Thanks Fiona.

Author:  LizzieC [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:27 am ]
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Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 1:40 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona - glad Margot knows of Con's support.

Author:  PaulineS [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 6:21 pm ]
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Con's response to Margot's shutting herself down was lovely. Margot is getting positive responses from her family and friends which should be of help.

Author:  abbeybufo [ Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:13 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona. Con got it just about right there; good to see the two of them developing

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:31 am ]
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“So, will Maggie really inflict bodily harm if she’s woken before midday? asked Con raising an eyebrow and looking suggestively up towards the floor above them.
Margot gave an unexpected grin. “She never speaks before lunch and in fact everyone’s learnt not to talk to her. Sarah and I usually shove a coffee and a piece of toast into her hands and that’s about it.”
“What about her patients, when she’s out on rounds?” queried Con curiously.
“She tells them not to talk to her before eleven and she says all they do is laugh at her and talk to her anyway,” explained Margot, eyes dancing. “I didn’t believe it until Sarah saw it for herself and nearly choked.”
Con started giggling. “I can just see her doing it and getting away with it too, she said appreciatively. She looks like everyone’s kid sister.”
“What’s the joke?” asked Sarah wandering into the kitchen yawning. “Is that toast and coffee I smell?”
Con pushed the plate of toast into Sarah’s direction while Margot made another cup of coffee for everyone.
“I was just telling Con about Maggie telling her patient’s not to talk to her first thing in the morning,” said Margot, her face looking considerably lighter.
“I couldn’t believe it myself when I saw it,” said Sarah ruefully, “I only know I would never be able to get away with it.”
And the three started giggling again.

The rest of the day passed more easily for Margot and she was able to relax more easily around her family and friends. Chas returned and barely had a chance to catch his breath before Reg announced it was time to go if the boys were going to be returned to the boarding school on time.
“I’m sorry Margot,” he said, “but it’ll be a long trip back.”
Margot nodded and there was a flurry of goodbyes, with everyone hugging each other.
“Margot,” whispered Con, “don’t forget what I said okay? You’re my sister and I love you.”
Margot nodded feeling a little tearful.
“Thanks Con,” was all she said.
Chas was another who pulled Margot to one side. “Do you mind if I write to you about the Refuge,” he asked seriously, “when I somehow start to make sense of it all?”
Margot nodded, “Of course Chas,” she said, her heart in her throat, wondering if being at the refuge had been too much for her favourite younger brother. However, Chas merely looked thoughtful rather than distressed or upset.
Reg gave her a quick grin and powerful hug but didn’t refer to their conversation. “Take care Margot,” was all he said and Margot nodded, comforted by Reg’s and Con’s concern.
After the Maynard family had left it became the signal for everyone else to start to leave and soon Margot, Sarah and Maggie were left alone.

“Cleaning,” said Maggie with a look of disgust.
Sarah laughed. “It won’t be that bad she said and then what do you say to Chinese takeaway afterwards to celebrate.”
The idea was greeted with acclaim and the three girls fell to cleaning with vim. Len, Con and their friends had all helped with tidying the house from the party so it didn’t end up taking too long.
“I’m glad that’s over with,” said Maggie with a sigh as she threw herself onto the couch.
“Lazy lump,” teased Sarah amiably. “What will you be like when you have your own home?”
“I’ll get someone else to clean,” retorted Maggie. “I’ll be too busy being the local GP to clean. What about yourself Margot?”
Margot shrugged. At this point in time she didn’t know what she was going to do.
“I think that’s too far into the future,” she said trying to speak naturally.
Sarah gave Maggie and Margot a quick glance. She could pick up on the undercurrent between those two and wondered what it was about.

Author:  Lesley [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:57 am ]
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Thanks Fiona.

Author:  roversgirl [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 6:57 am ]
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Thanks for the update :-)

Author:  Alison H [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 7:26 am ]
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Good to see more of this.

Author:  abbeybufo [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 9:15 am ]
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Thanks Fiona

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 9:41 am ]
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Margot pondered on what Reg had said to her but struggled to get past her anger at God. Part of her wanted to just give up, just give in, but that had never been her and unbeknownst to her, so many people were praying for her-interceding on her behalf: her parents, Auntie Grace, Mother Superior and even Maggie occasionally prayed for her; feeling half guilty for having destroyed Margot’s faith, her innocence and yet half resentful for feeling that way at the same time.

Margot was hurrying along a crowded footpath in Edinburgh when a voice called out.
“Got any loose change, miss?”
Margot started and turned to see a homeless man standing there. She slowly walked towards him.
“I know a place you could get some food,” she said.
The man looked at her in surprise. No one usually stopped, most threw a few coins, without looking his way and moved on. The two gazed at each other and whatever was in Margot’s face, the man decided to trust her.
“Where?” he asked.
“This way,” said Margot taking him by the arm and gently led him the Refuge.
She bought some soup and sandwiches over to him and sat down with him to eat. “Why did you stop and do this?” asked the man after he had eaten all and more that Margot gave him.
Margot shrugged.
“Do you have a place to stay?” she asked instead.
The man shook his head. “You can stay here if you like,” she said gently and called John over.
“John, this is Bob,” introduced Margot.
John smiled at Bob and showed him where he could sleep for the night.

“Need a hand with anything,” Margot asked quietly once Bob was settled.
John smiled again.
Margot worked tirelessly and yet somewhere in the depth of her eyes John could still see the inconsolable grief and anger still etched there.
“Sure don’t we always,” he said.
It was the wee hours of the morning before everyone in the shelter settled down and Margot and John could catch their breath.
“Want a coffee?” asked John with a smile, “I know it’s only instant…”
“…but it’ll do,” finished Margot. “Thanks John,” she said with a tired smile. The two hardly spoke and yet the silence was comforting. Margot still couldn’t understand the peacefulness that seemed to emanate from him.

“How do you do that?” she asked bluntly and flushed when she realised how stupid it sounded.
“Go on,” said John quietly placing his hand over Margot’s. “How do I do, what?” he prompted
“I wish I had your peace, that’s all,” said Margot staring at the table. “I feel like I’m being swallowed by this huge black cloud and can’t find my way clear.” She looked up at John. “How do I find my way clear?”
John looked down at Margot’s hand that he now held in both his hands.
“I was adopted out when I was seven years old. I had grown up in an orphanage before that. We all had to attend church and the priest said that God would answer prayers and so I prayed for a family. I got the family I prayed for and…”
John looked at Margot his peace dimming.
“Margot, I don’t know why they adopted anyone for, they didn’t really want kids, I think they just wanted a punching bag, someone they could slap or hit when things weren’t going their way.”

Margot looked at John in horror.
‘I don’t want to listen to this,’ she thought wildly. ‘I can’t take any more pain. Why is he telling me this? I only wanted to know about the peace,’ and Margot covered her mouth with her free hand to staunch her sobs threatening to break, not for John but for herself and the pain she could no longer carry.

“I met a priest, Father Jack Reilly who ran a boys club,” continued John. “He kind of knew what was going on at home and gave me a sanctuary at the church. I was so angry and felt like God had played a cruel joke on me, giving me what I wanted and it being so terrible. What was so terrible for wanting a family about wanting a family? It had been all I dreamed of.”
John took a deep breath and stared into space. “I grew angrier when I was older. I was angry at everyone, at my parents, Father Jack, the world and especially God. And I never said anything. I couldn’t.”
He gave a humourless laugh. “Part of me was too scared to tell God how angry I was, especially at him. Finally, Father Jack talked to me about it all and basically told me it was okay to yell at God.”
John looked Margot full in the face. “Margot, I told God how I felt about everything and yeah a part of me felt better, mostly, but I did find it so hard to forgive my parents for not being what I wanted them to be and I had to forgive God for allowing it to happen in the first place, especially a loving compassionate God.”
Margot gave a start. Those words seem to resonate so closely what she was thinking and feeling.
“I guess the only way I could get through it all was to stay as close to God as I could.” John looked at Margot.
“I spent so many hours asking God to help me to forgive, every time I was angry. It was so hard because I didn’t want to forgive or let go of all that hurt. It took a long time, but I eventually felt like I got there, clinging desperately to God. And the only way I could forgive those that had hurt me the most was by praying for them. It was hard to stay angry at someone, I’m praying so much for.”
John gave a rueful smile. “Eventually, I finally reached that place where I could say Father, forgive them, they know not what they are doing and somehow see the hurt that is in them.”
The two fell into a silence. John was exhausted by sharing something so personal.

“Father Jack was right,” he began almost inaudibly, finally able to find the energy to continue.
Margot looked up, questioningly.
“He said God would “replace the years the locust have eaten.” I don’t know the direct quote, but it’s something from the Bible; where God says he would replace all the years that had been lost or stolen and would somehow work everything for good.” “Father Jack became the father I never had and the one I prayed so desperately for. I ended up working here,” said John spreading out his arms, “and I would never have believed it possible. I only know I would never have been able to all that I can now, without having gone through. Somehow my pain has allowed me to be able to help others.”
John smiled. “I still have my moments,” and his smile started to fade, “but somehow I’m able to keep holding onto God.”
Margot could see how John’s peacefulness was hard fought for and won.

Margot contemplated what both John and Reg had tried to tell her.
“God,” she said silently, “how can I forgive those nuns for what they did to the orphans, to Jeanie -and to me.”
For Margot had realised with a new perceptiveness, that she was also angry at losing her innocence. She didn’t want to know what she now did. She wanted to still believe that people were essentially good and nothing really bad happened to anyone.
“Oh God, how can I forgive,” and in her mind’s eye, Margot saw the cross and knew she had to release all her anger and bitterness towards the nuns, towards Maggie for suggesting she work in an orphanage-and towards God for allowing it all to happen.
“I don’t understand God,” she prayed, “but I’m willing to forgive. Help me please, God, help me please.”

Author:  Lesley [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 10:26 am ]
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You're very strong, Margot - and maybe, just maybe, you will win through.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  roversgirl [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:00 am ]
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Hope she does win through :)

Author:  PaulineS [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:02 am ]
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Lovely to see Margot realising the nuns harmed her as well as the children. She has been given the help and support she needs to forgive and move on.

Author:  MaryR [ Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:00 pm ]
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John is so right - praying for those who have hurt us, almost impossible as it seems, does work. You can't hate someone you pray for - grace just won't let you, somehow.

You can do it, Margot - just don't blame God. Blame everyone else for being human. :cry:

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Miss Di [ Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:27 am ]
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Thank you for all the thought provoking updates Fiona.

Author:  Mrs Redboots [ Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:39 pm ]
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Someone I know said, at his daughter's funeral, "Thank God for a God to be angry with!"

Thank you, Fiona.

Author:  Billie [ Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:00 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona. Glad to see Margot's starting to learn and heal.

Author:  di [ Sun Apr 27, 2008 10:30 am ]
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I've just found and read this through from the beginning and find it so haunting. Margot is having such a crisis of faith that it seems she'll never come to terms with what the nuns, who were God's representatives on earth, were capable of. I'm glad John has come in to her life and is able to help her find her way through. But - where is Mother Superior? Surely she should be checking in with Margot, especially as she found her the placement and recognised it could result in Margot's faith being tested!

Without wanting to offend any one I really struggle to accept some of the happenings and belief systems in the Catholic Church and the way folk are treated. As a counsellor I've seen so many suffer anxiety and depression because of the clash between their experiences and what their church imposes on them.

Hey, Fiona, I didn't intend getting on my high horse about this. I think your story is fabulous and want to thank you for all you've written to date. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Tue May 13, 2008 1:42 am ]
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Just a short update. I've handwritten a lot more out so hopefully will find time to type it out, so sorry for the delay and Di, Margot will be seeing the Mother Superior very soon

Six months later…
Margot made her way to the convent in France. She felt weary to the bone. It had been a long six months.
‘Long and hard,’ thought Margot reflecting on the events that had occurred.
John and Reg had both managed to point her in the direction she had to go, and with their gentle encouragement, Margot had somehow managed to climb the rocky path, above the black, swirling cloud, that threatened to envelop her, and head towards the light. Her anger had been so visceral, so deep and there were days she didn’t want to give it up, just as there were days, she would have given almost anything not to have to carry it at all. It had been so hard to forgive, but gradually, oh so gradually Margot had allowed her anger to slip away. Some days it felt like she didn’t do anything except pray; asking for the strength to forgive, to have the strength to just get through what it was she was doing at that moment in time. Other times, she was able to forget, especially when Sarah was able to make her laugh, lifting her briefly out of the pit of anger and despair.

Margot leaned back in the seat on the train listening to the noise the train made on the tracks; it soothed jumbled thoughts. Although Margot felt a long way off from truly working through her pain, Margot knew it was time to visit Mother Superior and then go home. She had avoided her family, not wanting to either hurt her parents or to allow them to see her anger or pain.
‘It would only hurt them,’ she thought resolutely. And so Margot wavered between hope and despair; hope that one day she would be able to move through this; and despair, that her pain would wrap itself around her, refusing to let go.

Author:  Miss Di [ Tue May 13, 2008 3:54 am ]
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Thanks Fiona, I'm glad Margot is working through her issues and hasn't lost her faith. Look forward to you typing up your notes.

Mind you I was confused when you said "Di, she'll be seeing Mother Superior soon" I'd forgotten there was another Di on board!

Author:  roversgirl [ Tue May 13, 2008 4:23 am ]
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Thanks for the update - Hope Margot finds her way. :)

Author:  di [ Tue May 13, 2008 5:31 am ]
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Thanks for the update, Fiona. I'm glad Margot is going to see Mother Superior and hope that her words will comfort her.

Author:  Lesley [ Tue May 13, 2008 6:06 am ]
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Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Alison H [ Tue May 13, 2008 6:40 am ]
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I'm sorry she's worried about how Jack and Joey might react. Hope that the Mother Superior is helpful.

Author:  PaulineS [ Tue May 13, 2008 2:39 pm ]
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I wonder how Jack and Jo will react if she is no better than the last time she saw them.

They were worried about her when she returned to Switzerland from Bristol and could not talk about her experience to them.

I hope Mother Superior can finnish the healing Grace Nalder, John and Reg have started.

Author:  abbeybufo [ Tue May 13, 2008 6:14 pm ]
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Thanks Fiona

Author:  MaryR [ Wed May 14, 2008 1:19 pm ]
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Hopefully, her Superior can help her a little, but she is already on the way to some sort of recovery, anyway.

Di, don't let the small number of wrong 'uns give the whole of the Catholic church a bad name. :cry:

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun May 18, 2008 8:12 pm ]
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“Margot,” said Mother Superior with a warm smile. “It’s so lovely to see you again.” Mother Superior noted the pain Margot’s eyes and the weariness emanating from her. “Please take a seat,” she said gently.
Margot started to relax in the peacefulness of the room, the peace that seemed to come from Mother Superior. She felt bathed in love and without being able to help herself, tears started to cascade down her cheeks.
‘I wish I could stop crying all the time,’ thought Margot as she impatiently and ineffectively tried to wipe the tears away. The tears kept rolling.
“It’s alright Margot, whether with words or tears, we all need to weep,” said Mother Superior softly and she gathered the young woman in her arms.
Margot wept the pain and bitterness onto Mother Superior’s shoulder until she could weep no more. She sat nestled in her arms and finally felt some measure of peace, the first in a long while. I feel like I could stay here forever, mumbled Margot.
Mother Superior hid a smile.
“Stay as long as you need,” she told Margot softly, knowing Margot needed this time. “You’re not the first girl who has cried on my shoulder.”
Margot nodded, feeling the full weight of her weariness start to slip away and she started to feel some measure of peace. She eventually sat up when she felt a little more rested.
“Thanks,” she said gruffly. Mother Superior sat back and gazed at Margot thoughtfully.
“Care to talk about it,” she invited.
Margot nodded not sure of where to start. “Umm,” she began and then like a torrent the words poured out, about everything, from Jeanie, to the nuns at the orphanage, to her reaction to it all, to finally how she was starting to be able to work through it. She did not spare Mother Superior any of the details and Mother Superior listened unflinchingly to all Margot had to say.
The two sat in silence when Margot finally finished her story. Mother Superior gazed deeply into Margot’s eyes.
“Margot,” she said quietly, “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I am so proud of what you did for Jeanie and so glad for her sake that you were there for her.”
Margot started, not expecting Mother Superior to say that at all.
“I never thought of it like that,” she said in a small voice. “I’m so used to feeling angry that it had happened in the first place.”
“It’s understandable that you were angry,” said Mother superior gently and her mouth tightened almost imperceptibly, the nuns betrayed not only their calling from God but also the children in their care.
“It’s often the hardest thing to accept when God’s people do evil things especially because we expect so much more from them.” Sadness laced mother superior’s voice.
“The hardest thing about it was I started to doubt my faith in God. I couldn’t understand how he could allow that to happen or why the nuns would behave like that,” said Margot in a low voice. “How do you hold onto your faith in the face of that?” she asked.
“It’s hard,” said Mother Superior reflectively, “especially since we expect so much more of those who believe in God; and when they hurt or betray people especially to the extent they did at the orphanage, we doubt our faith in a loving, just God -and in the church,” finished Mother Superior in a quiet voice. “I know the only way I can believe is by looking at God not his people. They have a way of letting you down, so I hold onto God and,” Mother Superior gave a wry smile, “the more I do that, the more God can work though me and the more I become like Him. I also know not all the church is like that, and not all the nuns are either.”

Margot started, remembering Betty, remembering with even more shame Ted. She had held onto God or tried very hard in those instances to be more like Him and Margot could see just what kind of person she could become, if she walked away from God.
“The choice you have to make,” counselled Mother Superior seeing the understanding on Margot’s face, “is firstly do you want to believe and secondly what kind of person do you want to become.”
“I think I’ve already decided that,” said Margot almost shyly. “I do want to help others. I’ve started working as a volunteer in a homeless refuge.”
She looked down at her feet. “I started partly cos I felt like I had failed Jeanie and wanted to make up for it and then I could actually see some good come out of it.” Margot looked up at Mother Superior.
“Margot, it wasn’t your fault Jeanie died. In fact, you probably showed her more love than anyone else had in along time, if ever. You were extraordinary and I’m so proud of you, said Mother Superior.
She saw Margot biting her lip and struggling to hold back her tears.
“Thanks,” Margot managed needing to hear Mother Superior’s affirmation of her.
“Now how would like to stay here for the next few days,” suggested Mother Superior. “I know its Easter, and the week of Christ’s Passion and we don’t usually have outsiders stay, but I think you need time to be refreshed, time where we minister to you, not you giving to others all the time. And,” added Mother Superior humourously, “you are hoping to join us in a few years.”
Margot dropped her lashes. “I would love to,” she murmured, feeling a weight lift, but also feeling a little guilty-she no longer knew if she wanted to become nun any more. She didn’t realise Mother Superior could read her thoughts as clearly as if Margot had spoken them out aloud.

Author:  Alison H [ Sun May 18, 2008 8:36 pm ]
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Hope that Margot finds her stay at the convent helpful and she's left in peace to mull things over.

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Lesley [ Sun May 18, 2008 8:48 pm ]
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So pleased that Margot was able to tell the Mother Superior all her story - and the the Mother didn't try to dismiss or excuse it.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  PaulineS [ Sun May 18, 2008 8:58 pm ]
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Mother Superior's reaction was so honest and affirming to Margot. I hope it and Margot's stay at the convent will help her.

Author:  abbeybufo [ Sun May 18, 2008 9:03 pm ]
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Mother Superior was exactly what Margot needed here. This quiet time will help Margot decide where she stands and what she wants.

Thanks Fiona

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Sun May 18, 2008 9:14 pm ]
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Thank goodness for Mother Superior's understanding and explanations - they were exactly what Margot needed to hear, and it's good that she was able to pour out so much of what was troubling her.

I hope these few days of respite in the Convent will help - I suspect that she will be allowed plenty of time to reflect on it all, especially in the light of Passion Week itself, but that, at the same time, she will never lack for someone to turn to if that is what she needs. Hopefully she will find a measure of peace at the end of it all.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Elbee [ Sun May 18, 2008 9:36 pm ]
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I'm glad Margot was able to tell Mother Superior and gain a little peace at last.

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  roversgirl [ Mon May 19, 2008 5:25 am ]
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Thanks for the update - Hope she finds out what she really wants to do.

Author:  di [ Mon May 19, 2008 5:50 am ]
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Well done, Mother Superior. You handled Margot in such a caring way and that will go a long way towards helping her make her final decision about becoming a nun. Hopefully a few days rest and contemplation will also help, especially if the nuns are there for her if she needs them.
Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  MaryR [ Mon May 19, 2008 11:55 am ]
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What a lovely Mother Superior, with a great understanding of human nature. How true it is that the more one is given, the more one is expected to give. But God didn't do the harm, people did - and the only way not to be the same, is to try and concentrate on Him, as the Superior said.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Fri May 30, 2008 11:28 am ]
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Margot spent the next few days living as one of the nuns, observing Christ Passion for the Easter week. She spoke very little to the others at the convent, content to relax. As Mother Superior said, she needed this time of refreshing. Much of the time she spent in quiet contemplation, for once glad she didn’t have to give to others, but could receive. Mother Superior made time for her each day, to chat or even sit in silence with Margot.
“This has been good for me,” said Margot soberly reflecting on the week when she was seeing Mother Superior for the last time before heading off again.
Mother Superior smiled. “Everyone needs the quiet times,” she said, “especially when you spend so much of your time giving to others.”
“Mother Superior?” asked Margot seriously. “I need to tell you something; I’m not sure if I want to be a Nun any more. I don’t know how I would go working with Nuns, if they were like the ones at the orphanage, or if I could.”
“I wondered how you felt about that,” answered Mother Superior candidly.
Margot hesitated, “part of me still feels called by God, I just…”
“Margot,” said Mother Superior gently, “You don’t have to make the decision straight away. There is a reason why we ask our potential postulants to live in the world for awhile before entering.”
“You plan on becoming a doctor first, so you do have a few years to go before you have to make a decision. And I am certain God will lead you wherever you are meant to go- be it as a Nun or with something else.”
Margot nodded, but Mother Superior could see Margot was still troubled by something else.
“What is it, Margot?” she inquired delicately.
“I just wondered; did you know the orphanage was like it was,” asked Margot in a low voice, unable to look Mother Superior in the eye.
Mother Superior gazed into space. “I didn’t know it would be like what it was,” she said finally, “but I did know you would be tested.”
Mother Superior looked at Margot, “I asked three other nuns to pray with me about you working in the orphanage. We all felt you were called to work there but that you would be tested. And we felt we had to let you go and allow you to decide whether or not you would return to us. Everyone here has been praying for you, Margot; asking God to hold you close and give you the strength to work through all you needed to work through.”
“You’ve all been praying for me?” questioned Margot touched. She smiled. “I sometimes felt like something was stopping me from giving up completely. I couldn’t understand what it was, just that, in spite of myself, I kept reaching out to God; even when I didn’t really want to.”
Her bottom lip trembled. “Thank you so much, Mother Superior. Do you think, would you mind praying for me again, please?” She asked.
Mother Superior smiled. “I would be honoured,” she said simply.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri May 30, 2008 11:35 am ]
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The Mother Superior (I keep imagining her looking like the Mother Abbess in The Sound of Music :D ) sounds very wise. As she says, Margot doesn't have to make any definite decisions just yet.

Thanks Fiona :D .

Author:  PaulineS [ Fri May 30, 2008 11:56 am ]
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I like the way Mother Superior kept herself and three other nuns praying for Margot.
Glad that Margot has been told again that she does not have to make a decision now and that she needs to wait on God and get her qualifications first.

Author:  di [ Fri May 30, 2008 12:59 pm ]
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Sensible advise from Mother Superior. Margot needs time to absorb, reconcile herself with her experience at the orphanage and recognise how she helped the children, albeit for a short time.
Thank you, Fiona.

Author:  roversgirl [ Fri May 30, 2008 1:13 pm ]
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Very sensible advice and I hope Margot can work it all out - thank you :)

Author:  Lesley [ Fri May 30, 2008 8:43 pm ]
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Just the sort of advice and support Margot needed.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sat May 31, 2008 1:45 am ]
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When Margot left the Convent the next, her heart was singing. She hugged Mother Superior good-bye.
“Thanks you so much for everything,” she whispered. “You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.”
Mother Superior held Margot close. “That’s what I’m here for,” she smiled. “The Lord bless you, and keep you, Margot. The Lord makes his face shine upon you and give you peace,” said Mother Superior quoting an old Aramaic blessing. Margot bowed her head to receive the benediction. And Mother Superior released the girl to make her way back into the world.

Margot sat on the train with a hint of her old impatience. ‘I can’t wait to go home. It had been so long, almost too long,’ she thought ruefully.
Margot pulled out an old letter Marie-Claire had written her. ‘I miss you Margot. Come home soon.’ Margot smiled when she saw the picture of Mr McDonald and his airplane.
Margot arrived on the Platz and hurried from the station.
“Need a lift, Margot?” asked a voice genially.
Margot turned and saw Miss Wilmont in her little roundabout. “I promise I’ll drop you and run,” said Miss Wilmont understandingly, when she saw Margot hesitate, torn between getting home quicker and not wanting to stop and talk with anyone.
“Okay, thanks,” she said tossing her bag into the backseat.
Miss Wilmont after making a remark or two, said very little, though she gave an inward smile at Margot’s obvious impatience to get home.
“There you go,” she said keeping her promise of not to stay and talk.
“Thanks, Miss Wilmont,” said Margot, flashing a quick grin, before hurrying inside.
She opened the front door and before she could call out anything, a small voice from the stairs beat her to it.
“Margot’s home, Mamma, Margot’s home,” and Marie-Claire would have tumbled if Margot hadn’t have caught her and tossed her up in the air. Marie-Claire shouted with laughter.
“Margot,” breathed Joey, still standing on the stairs.
Margot stopped and the world passed in a look shared between Margot and her Mother.
“Mamma,” she said half laughing and half crying and the two ended up in each others arms and Margot hugged her Mother, while Joey thanked God, her baby girl had come home.

Author:  Alison H [ Sat May 31, 2008 6:11 am ]
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What a lovely welcome home.

Author:  Lesley [ Sat May 31, 2008 6:50 am ]
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Aaaaah, lovely.


Thanks Fiona. :lol:

Author:  PaulineS [ Sat May 31, 2008 10:48 am ]
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Thank you, love the welcome home.

Author:  di [ Sat May 31, 2008 11:29 am ]
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Pleased to see that Margot has a heart felt welcome home from Joey and Marie- Claire, I only hope that her parents will continue to support her in whatever decision she makes.
Thank you, Fiona. :)

Author:  abbeybufo [ Sat May 31, 2008 12:19 pm ]
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Beautiful homecoming - thank you Fiona

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Jun 01, 2008 1:17 am ]
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“Margot, you’re squashing me,” said a muffled voice.
“Sorry, munchkin,” said Margot half laughing. “I can’t forget about you. How about I throw you away?” And Margot tossed her sister in the air, while Marie-Claire squealed with laughter.
Margot held her Mother’s eyes. “It’s good to see you,” said Joey not wanting to leave her daughter. Margot linked arms with her Mother. “Come on, munchkin, I’m starving,” she said to Marie-Claire.
Marie-Claire barely let anyone get a chance to get a word in edgeways, as she chattered away to Margot, telling her endless stories, while the three had lunch. Margot let her talk as Marie-Claire’s obvious adoration of her older sister a soothing balm. It also made her vow inwardly that she would try and live up to her expectations.
Joey smiled, Margot had never been famed for her patience and she could see the changes in her daughter, a new maturity and consideration for others.
“There’s nothing like a child thinking you’re the bee’s knees she murmured to her daughter.
“Mother,” groaned Margot, “where on earth did you get that expression from?”
The word mother more than anything else, told Joey, Margot was more like her old self. Margot had stopped calling her Mamma long before any of her other children and only in her pain had she reverted to the childhood name.
“Oh, you know, here and there,” Joey said airily.
“I’d love to have seen Auntie Hilda’s face when you trotted out that expression,” giggle Margot.
Joey smiled back. “I think your Auntie Hilda is too used to my expressions to react much these days,” she said ruefully.
“You’re not listening, Margot,” complained Marie-Claire. “You need to put on your listening ears.”
Margot choked at her words. “My apologies,” she said with a straight face, not daring to look at her mother for fear she would start laughing.
“That’s okay,” said Marie-Claire. “Are you still working at the orphanage, Margot? Is that why you couldn’t come home for Christmas? You didn’t see my presents.”
I’m sorry Munchkin,” said Margot tousling her sister’s hair. “How about you show me after lunch?”
“Okey dokey,’ said Marie Claire in perfect imitation of her mother, “but you didn’t answer my question,” she said gazing at her sister persistently.
Margot took a deep breath, “No, I don’t work at the orphanage any more; I take care of people who don’t have anywhere to live. They haven’t had Christmas in years, so Father Reilly, John and I decided to give them one.”
“Oh,” replied Marie-Claire thinking about it, “that’s okay then. Come on Margot, let’s go play.”
“Mamma?” asked Margot.
“You go have some fun. Marie-Claire has been dying to see you again,” said Joey shooing her daughters’ away. “We’ll talk later, I promise.”
“Thanks Mamma,” said Margot softly and smiled at her Mother.

Author:  Chelsea [ Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:17 am ]
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That was sweet.

I love Marie-Claire and the "listening ears".

I hope Margot is getting the chance to heal that she needs.

Author:  Alison H [ Sun Jun 01, 2008 6:50 am ]
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That was lovely.

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:29 am ]
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A real balm for her - and that she was able to answer the question about the orphange says a lot.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  di [ Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:26 am ]
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Lovely, Fiona. There's nothing like a child's love to comfort you when you're feeling low. Glad Joey can remain patient and let Marie-Claire have her time with her Margot before talking with her youngest triplet.
Thanks.

Author:  Sugar [ Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:32 am ]
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Just caught up on this!

Glad Margot had that time to recentre. It reminde me of conversations I have had in the past with a friend of mine who is a Sister (ex HeadMistress) that just left me feeling levelled and safe. Glad Joey was so welcoming too!

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed Jun 04, 2008 2:00 am ]
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It wasn’t until bedtime before Margot and Joey managed to talk alone. Marie-Claire had insisted on Margot putting her to bed, and barely after she had left her bedroom, Chas had commandeered his sister and the two had been deep in conversation about the Refuge. Jack, Con and Mike were sitting close by listening. Joey could see, whatever had troubled Margot the previous summer, was no longer at the forefront of her mind. Margot seemed to be at peace with whatever had happened and Joey wondered what had or who had managed to help Margot through it. She longed to talk to her daughter alone and waited with barely concealed patience. Joey gazed at Margot discussing with her brothers and father about the Refuge and noticed and new energy and vibrancy to her. She offered a silent pray of thanks to God for whatever, or whoever had brought about Margot’s healing.
Joey’s musings were interrupted as the conversation floated over and she couldn’t help but be interested.
“How’s Alison?” Asked Con.
“Good,” said Margot reflectively. “Her writing is coming along, though her Maths and Science is better,” she added with a grin.
“I think that’s more to do with her tutor,” retorted Con.
Margot grimaced at her sister while Con stuck her tongue out in return and everyone laughed.
“Some things don’t change,” chuckled Jack.
“Who’s Alison?” asked Mike confused
“Alison is a girl at the Refuge,” explained Margot.
“I still don’t understand,” repeated Mike.
“Alison is one of the girls’ at the refuge,” explained Margot carefully, wondering how much would be safe to tell her thirteen year old brother that would not distress him too much, or betray her confidence.
“She didn’t have a very good time at home.”
“What do you mean?” interrupted Mike.
“A lot of the people at the Refuge are pretty badly hurt at home, physically and emotionally. Their parents hurt them and they get to a point where they can’t take it any more,” explained Margot gently. “Mostly, they end up on the streets and we get a lot sleeping at the Refuge or coming in for a meal.”
“Can’t they go to a friends’ house or their Auntie’s?” asked Mike, “that’s what I would do he said trying to imagine what he would do in that situation.”
“Some do,” agreed Margot. “In fact, a lot do from time to time, but they also have a lot of problems, so whoever they are staying with can’t always cope.”
“What sort of problems?” Asked Mike interestedly.
Margot looked at everyone and saw they were all interested. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Mike,’ she thought. ‘Will what I’m telling you, be too much?’
“A lot of them sometimes take drugs, to help them forget,” explained Margot quietly.
“How?” asked Mike, bewildered.
“There are some medications or drugs out there that can help you feel good,” said Jack answering instead, seeing Margot hesitate. “Sometime’s for example you can give something for a particular reason and the side affect is they feel really good, so good in fact that they forget the bad things or the bad memories don’t hurt as much any more. So if their childhood is terrible, they can forget the pain for awhile.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” asked Mike. “Doesn’t that make them feel better?”
“It does for awhile,” agreed Jack, “but then the effects of the drugs wear off and they feel even worse.”
“And often they will do anything to get that feeling back, of being able to forget,” said Margot, staring at her memories of watching people in the Refuge do just that.
Jack noticed the expression on his daughter’s face; Margot felt her Father’s gaze on her and gave a rueful smile, which Jack returned sympathetically and with understanding. Margot shivered and started wondering just how much her father knew or understood from his own experiences.
“If it makes them feel so bad afterwards, why do the doctor’s give them the drugs?” asked Mike looking at his father.
“The doctor’s don’t always,” explained Jack. “They get the drugs from elsewhere, which means the doctor’s and chemists don’t make them and people put whatever the like into the drugs, which makes them even more dangerous.”
“Have you seen that happen, Dad?” asked Con curiously.
Jack nodded, “a little, especially after the War, but certainly not to the extent Margot seems to have,” and Jack turned, a look at pride in his eye’s at the work Margot was doing.
“So, why can’t doctors’ give them drugs that will help them forget even longer?” questioned Mike innocently.
Margot shook her head, but to her surprise Chas spoke.
“John said the refuge is trying to help people face their problems and work their way through them,” he replied softly. “Trying to forget like that doesn’t always work even though it seems like it might for awhile. It also means their whole life becomes being about drugs and taking the next one.”
“Oh,” said Mike sitting back pondering on what everyone had explained to him.
“So did Alison take drugs?” he questioned.
“She got off them,” answered Margot, “she managed to it somehow and now she’s trying to put her life back together.”
“And are you helping her?” Asked Mike eagerly
Margot nodded.
“That’s really nice of you, Margot,” said Mike generously. And Margot was touched by Mike’s open hearted admiration.

Author:  Lesley [ Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:55 am ]
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Of course, in this scenario, a thirteen year old would have no concept of drugs and Mike Maynard's innocent questions are very well realised.

Margot did well there - with help from Jack and Charles.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  di [ Wed Jun 04, 2008 5:34 am ]
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I was going to say how naive Mike is, but remembered that this is supposed to be set in the 60's [if I'm right] and as a 13 year old myself during those years I had no knowledge of the seedier side of life either. I think Margot and Jack did a really good job explaining things to Mike and I liked Charles' input to help his younger brother understand.
Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:10 pm ]
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I think you are conveying the mores of the period this is set really effectively - we do tend to forget how 'young' a 13-year old of the early 1960s would have been in comparison to today's teenagers, and Mike's reactions and questions are just 'spot on'. I also like Jack's unspoken admiration and appreciation of just how much 'difference' Margot is making through her work at the Refuge.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Guest [ Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:49 am ]
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Thanks Fiona.
PaulineS the board registered me a guest whilst i was on as myself.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:56 pm ]
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“So is this where you’re going to work when you become a nun?” asked Mike.
Joey paused in her knitting, noting the utter stillness that seemed to steal over Margot.
“I’m not sure said Margot at last. “I love what we do at the Refuge but…” and her voice trailed off.
“And it’s not something that has to be decided right now,” said Jack lightly also noticing how uncomfortable his daughter looked. “I know when I first started medicine I changed my mind more than once before I finally decided. I must admit cutting people open seemed more appealing than TB. All that blood and gore.”
Mike’s face lit up, distracted from Margot’ career choice and much to Jack’s relief Margot appeared relieved.
“What made you change your mind?” he asked his father eagerly and the conversation moved onto other things before Jack aware of Joey’s longing to talk with Margot and started to end the conversation.
“I think it’s time we all went off to bed he said, giving Joey an understanding smile. Mike started grumbling, as he had beed thrilled to be included in the conversation between his parts and elder siblings. Margot gave him a sympathetic smile.
“How about we go for a wander up to the echoes tomorrow,” she offered. “We can leave the old fogey’s behind,” need she suggested winking Mike. Joey choked at being referred to as an old fogey.
“Old fogey,” she sputtered “I’ll old fogey you,” before relaxing and joining in the general laughter.
“That’s right,” teased Jack “I better get out our walking sticks as we’re probably to decrepit to even get to our bedroom.”

The group went their separate ways, laughing, as everyone went to their respective bedrooms. Con wandered in after Margot.
“How’s Alison going?” she asked.
“Good,” said Margot. “She’s still struggling with studying and she’s pretty sporadic at times, with it all. John is actually worried it; he wants to try and find a place for her to live, so she can get off the streets permanently and study properly.”
“What about a boarding school somewhere?” asked Con interestedly.
Margot shook her head. “I can’t imagine how she would cope with the discipline of a boarding school, not even the Chalet School, which is pretty understanding. John’s trying to get another house or farm or something the kids can go to that are trying to get off the streets and get on with their lives.”
“I hope it works out for her,” said Con who had developed a soft spot for the girl.
“I’m sure it will,” said Margot mustering a smile.
The chatted for a few moments before Con cried off saying she wanted to sleep. “I read to all ours last night,” she said feelingly.
“Night Margot,” she said, “I’m glad you’ve come home,” she hesitated. “You seem happier.”
“I am,” said Margot, her face softening, “and Con thanks for everything last year. It really helped.”
“I’m glad,” said Con softly and vanished to her room.
Margot sat curled on her bed, staring into space, thinking of all that had transpired. She suddenly felt tired-comfortably tired. ‘It’s been a good day,’ she mused and it was the first time she had felt tired in along time where it hadn’t drained her but simply because it had been a good day.
There was a knock at the door.
“Mamma,” she said with a welcoming smile as her mother peeped in.
“May I come in?” Joey asked with a smile.

Author:  Lesley [ Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:23 pm ]
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Hope Joey can help. Loved the scene earlier with Mike - very close cosy family scene - just what Margot needed.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:26 pm ]
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Loved Jo and Jack response to old fogey.

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:35 pm ]
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Jack did well there - hope Joey does too.

Author:  di [ Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:31 am ]
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What a lovely famly evening; folks actually took Mike seriously for once without jumping down his throat and Margot continued including him with the promise of a walk with her the next day. Hope Joey helps.
Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Elbee [ Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:16 am ]
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I'm glad Mike was treated in a more grown up way. Loved the reaction to the old fogeys comment!

Thanks Fiona.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:47 am ]
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Two lovely scenes, Fiona, showing the close family bonds. I hope those bonds work now, so that Jo can help her daughter.

Thank you.

Author:  Celia [ Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:09 pm ]
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Jack did well to steer Mike's conversation away from Margot, and it was good to see Margot seeking Mike's company for a walk next day.
Hope Joey can be sensitive and helpful.

Thanks Fiona

Author:  Guest [ Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:49 pm ]
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Having problems logging on. Its Fiona Mc adding a bit more to the drabble

Joey said goodnight to her sons before heading to see Margot.
"Mamma,"saidMargotlooking up. "I ws hoping you would come."
"Mike was full of what you were talking about earlier," said Joey withan infectious grin. "It has certainly made him think."
"So long as it wasn'tto much for him," said Margot anxiously.
Joey shook her head. I don't thnk so; if anything, you and Papa managd to answer his questions so he could understand it all. I think mostly he was thrilled to be included in with the grownups, as he put it."
Margot smiled with relief and Joey felt a flash of intuition, that whatever Margot had eperienced the previous summer had been too much for her and for whatever reason, after that first initial visit home, it had also kept her away.
'What n earth do I say,' thought Joey. Joey was assulted by doubt and yet through it, an old memory pierced throgh...

"Madge I can't talk about it, please," pleaded Joey with her sister.
"Joey Baba, you need to," saidMadge gently, but firmly, "Your flight fom Austria is too big to bottle up. You need to talk it out."
Joey looked at her sister, the dearest person to her and hated to hurt her and what she had to talk about and how she felt bout it all, he fear, being angry, guilt over not being able to help poor Herr Goldman and that by intervening Vater Stefan had died and feeling responsible for that, would hurt her sister and not only that, Joey couldn't bear to see the judgement that she felt sure would be in Madge's eyes, when she told her all she had done and felt.

'Oh Margot,' Joey thought gazing at her daughter and in a rush of emotion, Joey held her daughter close.
"I love you sugarpie. I'm so gladyou came home," she said softly. And Margot feeling the love and understanding emanating from her mother relaxed in her arms.

Author:  Alison H [ Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:23 pm ]
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Thanks for the update :D .
I've changed the update date for you - sorry you're having log-in problems!

Author:  Lesley [ Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:59 pm ]
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Well done Joey. :cry:


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  di [ Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:57 am ]
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I'm glad Joey is able to understand Margot and hope she will be able to help her relax this holiday and give her the space to talk if she needs.
Thank you, Fiona.

Author:  MaryR [ Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:22 am ]
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Madge was right - talk it through, make sense of it.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:51 pm ]
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Decided to include the part that wouldn't post properly as well.

Joey said goodnight to her sons before heading to see Margot.
"Mamma," said Margot looking up. "I was hoping you would come."
"Mike was full of what you were talking about earlier," said Joey with an infectious grin. "It has certainly made him think."
"So long as it wasn't to much for him," said Margot anxiously.
Joey shook her head. I don't think so; if anything, you and Papa managed to answer his questions so he could understand it all. I think mostly he was thrilled to be included in with the grownups, as he put it."
Margot smiled with relief and Joey felt a flash of intuition, that whatever Margot had experienced the previous summer had been too much for her and for whatever reason, after that first initial visit home, it had also kept her away.
'What on earth do I say,' thought Joey. Joey was assaulted by doubt and yet through it, an old memory pierced through...

"Madge I can't talk about it, please," pleaded Joey with her sister.
"Joey Baba, you need to," said Madge gently, but firmly, "Your flight from Austria is too big to bottle up. You need to talk it out."
Joey looked at her sister, the dearest person to her and hated to hurt her and what she had to talk about and how she felt bout it all, he fear, being angry, guilt over not being able to help poor Herr Goldman and that by intervening Vater Stefan had died and feeling responsible for that, would hurt her sister and not only that, Joey couldn't bear to see the judgement that she felt sure would be in Madge's eyes, when she told her all she had done and felt.

'Oh Margot,' Joey thought gazing at her daughter and in a rush of emotion, Joey held her daughter close.
"I love you sugarpie. I'm so glad you came home," she said softly. And Margot, feeling the love and understanding emanating from her mother, relaxed in her arms.

Joey and Margot never ended up talking about the previous summer instead Margot talked a little about her time at the convent, the previous week and just how wonderful the Mother Superior had been. Joey suppressed her longing that Margot tell everything to her with an inward sigh and listened instead to all that Margot was willing to share.
“I’m glad you could talk to her,” said Joey aloud, “and I’m more than thankful that she was able to help you work through everything..” and her voice trailed off.
“Not just her,” said Margot thoughtfully looking down. “It’s funny but sometimes help came from people whom I never talked to about stuff but just had the right words to say. John at the refuge, Sarah, my friend from University-she was always there without saying anything at all and Reg. Oh Mamma, I could see why Len did love him, he was just so lovely and honest and talked about how he found things.”
Joey smiled, “Reg does go deep and there’s certainly more depth to him than people realize. I’m glad he was able to help,” said Joey.
“He did, but Mamma,” said Margot looking up and she hesitated a moment, “you and Papa really helped last summer and were exactly what I needed,” she said in a low voice. “I don’t know how I could ever thank you for that because it helped me so much.”
Joey hugged her daughter fiercely. “I love you sweetheart,” was all she said and Margot clung to her mother feeling her love imprint itself on her.
“Thank you,” was all she whispered

Two days later, Margot was heading over to St Mildred’s to visit her godmother, Auntie Grace. She had spent the previous day with Chas and Mike hiking to the Echoes. Marie Claire had pleaded to be allowed to come but Margot understanding how important it was for Mike to have a day with just the older ones distracted her with the offer of a walk with just the two of them.
“Thanks,” said Joey, “she missing Erica pretty badly these holidays.”
“Where is Erica?” asked Margot curiously.
“She staying with Agneta and Adrienne is with Ailie and Auntie Madge,” explained Joey.
It had been fun and Margot discovered she could talk with Mike at a far deeper level than she had previously.

Now Margot wanted to talk with her godmother.

Margot exclaimed Grace Nalder. “It’s lovely to see you.”
Margot gave a grin. “I came home a couple of days ago and wanted to catch up with you.”
“I’m glad,” said Grace, noticing immediately that Margot was looking at happier and more at peace within herself. “How is everything going?” she asked
“Good, I think,” said Margot reflectively. “I spent Easter at the Order of the Blue Nuns which was wonderful. I think it was exactly what I needed,” and Margot poured out everything that had happened since the previous summer, about Maggie and her pain with her sister being forced into drudgery with the Magdalene Sisters; to the Refuge and John and her work there with Alison and others; to the support she had received from Con, Reg and Sarah and finally her own thoughts about God and becoming a nun.
“I’m still not sure about it all,” concluded Margot, “but I do know I want to work in an area that does help others.”
Grace smiled at her goddaughter. “I’m so proud of you,” she said simply, “of everything you faced and the way you persisted in trying to work through it all. Thank you for trusting me with it.”
Margot started and went red. “I wasn’t sure,” she said almost inaudibly. “In fact I stayed away mostly because I felt so ashamed for not believing in God and for being so angry, that I thought it would only hurt everyone, especially you and Mamma and Papa. The three of you had helped so much and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Grace clasped Margot’s arm, “we all go through our periods of doubts and lack of belief, Margot,” she said.
Grace could see the surprise in Margot’s eyes. “But you all look so together, like you don’t ever doubt your faith or ever say the wrong thing,” blurted Margot. “Look at Auntie Hilda.”
Grace suppressed a smile at that. “She has her doubts like the rest of us, we all do. I think some of us hide it better than others or we don’t show that side to others cos we’re scared of what others may think or of hurting those near and dear to us, especially when their faith appears unshakable.” Grace’s eye twinkled, “but we are human too.”
“Are you sure?” said Margot lightly, teasingly, picking up on and appreciating her godmother’s self deprecation. “I’m not sure. I think I can see wings growing.”
And the pair started giggling together relaxed and at peace.

Author:  Alison H [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:02 pm ]
Post subject: 

So glad that Grace was there for Margot - it's easier to talk to someone outside the immediate family sometimes.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:07 pm ]
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That was lovely, Fiona - I'm glad you re-posted the earlier piece along with the new one - it shows so clearly that for once at least, her own memories enabled Jo to suppress her wish that Margot would confide in her. As for the rest, it's all so positive, showing us how much Margot has grown in the year or more since she was last at Freudesheim. The conversation with Grace Nalder showed Margot, as perhaps nothing else could have done, that even people she has hitherto regarded as supremely confident in all they do are in fact prone to their own self-doubts.

Thank you for the update.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:30 pm ]
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I think we all find it hard to pour out our deepest, darkest thoughts to our mothers. But Grace is so right about us all having doubts about our faith. Only His grace keeps us believing and trusting.

Lovely, Fiona, thank you.

Author:  di [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:29 pm ]
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:) 'Margot clung to her mother feeling her love imprint itself on her' How lovely!
I'm glad Margot could talk to Grace and it was good for her to hear that even adults have doubts. Whether she carries on to join an Order or does something else Margot will certainly have thoroughly thought over her decision..
Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Lesley [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:12 pm ]
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That was lovely - and well done Joey for supressing her quite natural wish to know what had so upset her child.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  abbeybufo [ Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:23 pm ]
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Thank you Fiona - that was really lovely

Author:  Ruth B [ Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:08 am ]
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That was lovely and you portrayed Joey in a lovely light. It would be so easy for her to feel jealous of Margot's "other" Mother.

Author:  Mrs Redboots [ Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:57 pm ]
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Thank you, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Aug 24, 2008 5:14 am ]
Post subject: 

They soon stopped and Margot to Grace’s surprise started to look slightly uncomfortable.
“What is it, Margot?” she asked before the awkwardness could fully set in between them.
“Would you adopt Siobhan?” blurted Margot bluntly.
“Maggie’s sister,” said Grace in surprise, her mind trying to catch up to what Margot was asking.
Margot nodded, relieved, now, she had blurted out what she had been thinking for the past month or two.
“You’ll need to tell me more about what you want, Margot? said Grace gently.
Margot paused and said slowly. “I would like to help Maggie get Siobhan out of the Magdalene Laundries. I thought perhaps she could come to St Millie’s as a pupil and stay with Auntie Phoebe.”
Margot looked up. “I know Mamma would probably have her, but I think she would find it quieter and easier at Auntie Phoebe’s, than at our place with all the hoards especially after being where she has been.”
“I was hoping you would kind of adopt her and take her under you wing a bit and p’raps she get a scholarship.”
Grace looked at Margot touched beyond words that Margot had come to her with this.
“I think,” she said at last, “I think I can do that and,” she added, “I’ll help you and Maggie with getting Siobhan out from where she is.”
“Will you?” asked Margot with hope glowing in her eyes. She hesitated, “after everything I’ve been through, I found God again and I kind of wanted to help Maggie find Him too.”
Grace smiled at Margot warmly, “I think from everything you said, Maggie could do with the help, but Margot don’t be too surprised if she doesn’t believe straight away, if ever. She has been badly hurt by her family and the church.”
“I know,” said Margot wistfully and she shrugged; “at least she’ll know of one potential nun who’s nice,” and Margot gave a sudden grin.

A few days later, Grace Nalder arrived in Edinburgh with Margot. Maggie was touched beyond words by Margot’s proposal, hardly daring to believe what Margot and Grace were offering. She unexpectedly turned and buried her face on her friends shoulder and shook with sobs. She had carried the burden alone for so long. Margot held her friend allowing her to seep until the storm had passed as quickly as it had started.
“Thanks,” Maggie said looking up, “I’m not normally,” and she choked unable to go on.
“It’s okay,” said Grace Nalder gently, “you’ve had a rough time of it all. Phoebe Peter’s has opened her home to Siobhan for as long as she needs and she may come to the Chalet School for the next three years on a scholarship. St Mildred’s is a little less rigid than the school proper and I’ll be close by when Siobhan needs someone.” Maggie nodded, unable to speak
“Now, I think the first thing we need to do, is talk to your parents,” said Grace gently, and for the first time Maggie felt something akin to hope.

Author:  PaulineS [ Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:54 pm ]
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I am pleased that Margot has found a way to help Maggie and her sister.
Siobhan has had a hard time and the Maggie has suffered for her. Ihope the peace and activites at St Mildred's will help.

Author:  MaryR [ Sun Aug 24, 2008 2:35 pm ]
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Wow! What a brilliant idea! And Grace is so loving and generous, doing this for her god-daughter.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Mon Aug 25, 2008 2:32 am ]
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Maggie didn’t know what Grace did but somehow, after a long conversation with her parents, the three made their way to the Magdalene Laundries.
The Mother Superior read the letter from Maggie’s parents, and looked up.
“You know she will never reform don’t you,” she said casually, cruelly. “She’s better off here.”
Grace refused to respond, simply kept her gaze on the nun. Margot held Maggie’s arm in support, while Maggie stood silent and afraid, that even after all this, the Mother Superior would prevent her sister from leaving.
However, after a long silence the nun finally rang the bell and requested that Siobhan be brought to her room. Maggie hardly daring believe she was seeing her sister again, didn’t notice the beaten, cowed look on Siobhan’s face, or that she looked terrified of the nun. Grace saw it and wanted to get the girl as far away as she could.
“It’s time,” said Maggie gently to her sister. “You can leave.”
Siobhan looked uncomprehendingly at her sister and didn’t acknowledge her sister’s words but instead looked at the nun.
“She won’t last outside these walls,” said the nun, thinly, “she’s better off here.”
“No she isn’t,” retorted Maggie hotly, protective of her sister. “Come on Siobhan, it’s time to come home.”
She held her sister by one arm while Grace Nalder took the other and they hurried the girl out before the nun could say anything more. By the time they reached their hotel, Siobhan was shaking so hard she could hardly move. Margot could hardly bear to look at Maggie’s face; it was so full of pain, over the state her sister was in. Maggie hardly dared touch her but Grace with tact and gentleness simply held the girl. Eventually she stilled in Grace’s arms and between Maggie and herself, they put her to bed and let her sleep.

Maggie, Margot and Grace sat in the corner watching over Siobhan’s sleeping form. “What on earth will I do?” said Maggie close to tears. “Siobhan won’t manage on her own with strangers again? How did you ever get Da to agree to letting her go. I wish,” and Maggie broke down, her thoughts all over the place.
Grace realised this, while Margot put a comforting arm on her friends shoulder and looked at her godmother. Grace turned to Maggie, taking a hand in hers.
“How would you feel about taking some time off from university and coming out to the Platz with your sister? She suggested, “I’m sure Phoebe Peters won’t mind you staying with her as well and Siobhan would probably feel more comfortable. She may not even be ready for school and the two of you could spend some time together.” Maggie nodded, tears sliding down her checks.
“I would like that,” she said her voice trembling.
And so it was arranged, surprisingly quickly and Margot saw Maggie, Siobhan and Auntie Grace off at the train station in Edinburgh.
“Thanks for everything, Auntie Grace,” she whispered giving her godmother a sudden fierce hug goodbye. Auntie Grace hugged back and the two shared a look of quiet understanding.
“Margot thanks,” said Maggie exhausted. “I don’t know how you did it, but thanks.” Margot gazed at her friend.
“I’m glad you got your sister back,” she said simply, quietly, and Maggie impulsively hugged her friend good-bye, unable to say much more.
She stood and watched the train roll out of the station and turned at walked away.

Author:  Lesley [ Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:54 am ]
Post subject: 

Could I just take a flame-thrower to Magdalene Laundries? That evil, evil woman - how dare she have the gall to stand there and profess herself to be serving a peaceful God?


So pleased Grace was able to rescue her.


Thanks Fiona.

Author:  PaulineS [ Mon Aug 25, 2008 12:43 pm ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
“She won’t last outside these walls,” said the nun, thinly, “she’s better off here.”
“No she isn’t,” retorted Maggie hotly, protective of her sister. “Come on Siobhan, it’s time to come home.”


If Siobhan finds in difficult to cope it is because of the nuns and their attitude not because she cannot change. The nuns have tried to break her, Grace, Phoebe and Maggie are going to have a job to rebuild her confidence and get over her fears.

Spelling editted

Author:  MaryR [ Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:44 pm ]
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Such women give all religious a bad name - and make me weep for my church! :cry:

Grace was brilliant there - very controlled and unyielding without antagonising anyone. And her suggestion to Maggie was so kind and understanding.

Thanks, Fiona.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:22 am ]
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Years later
Emmerence Cooper nee Hope was watching her daughter Mary playing with her makeup.
“I’m glad you came,” said Margot smiling at her closest childhood friend, “and little Mary is gorgeous.”
“She is a pet,” agreed Emmerence with a smile of her own. “No, sweetie pie, don’t do that,” she said to her daughter causing her friend to giggle.
“I know,” said Emmerence with a wry smile, “but Craig and I both said we didn’t want our kids to grow up the way I did, always being allowed to do what they want. I know Mum doesn’t understand but I think Dad appreciates it more.”
And the two girls shared a grin, remembering the problems Emmerence had to face having been raise by parents who didn’t believe in ever saying no to your child.
“I can’t believe you’re truly becoming a nun,” said Emmerence wistfully. “I know we don’t get to see each other much as we live on opposite sides, but now you’ll seem even further away than ever.”
“I know,” said Margot thoughtfully, “and believe you me, I did consider not being a nun and work at the refuge instead,” said Margot referring to the refuge she had volunteered at throughout all her years at university.
“But, I couldn’t ignore my vocation. It kept haunting me no matter how much I tried to bury it or pretend it didn’t exist.”
Emmerence shrugged, she couldn’t understand Margot’s vocation, however much she tried, but she was genuinely fond of Margot and truly wanted to see her friend happy. Margot grinned. “Maggie doesn’t understand either,” she said. “Sarah tries to, but the whole nun thing is lost on Maggie,” and Margot’s smile faded.

Maggie’s sister Siobhan had been too badly hurt by her years in the Magdalene Laundries and although Siobhan had found healing to an extent from the pain she had experienced, some wounds had seemed too insurmountable. Phoebe and Grace’s gentle love and acceptance had helped, just as much as it also caused her pain, because her own parents hadn’t loved an accepted her so completely, as these two women had. Quiet, gentle Siobhan had become a nurse and worked at the San, not wanting to move far away from the Platz where she had found peace. Maggie on the other hand worked tirelessly as an obstetrician and worked tirelessly for women’s rights especially for unmarried mothers. She was determined to see the Magdalene Laundries close. Sarah had surprised Margot by wanting to work full time at the refuge with those dependent on drugs and alcohol. She smiled, when Margot commented on it.
“I can’t help it,” she said, “I think it’s become my vocation. Part of me is so determined not to become like my own Mother and shut myself away from everything, that I’ll put myself where I can’t do that.”
Margot was relieved and yet Sarah had unwittingly removed the one thing that may have stopped Margot from becoming a nun; she believed so strongly the Refuge needed a doctor and Sarah filled that position so well.

Margot had spent the past few months catching up with all her brothers and sisters and closest friends before finally spending the last days with her parents, and all of her siblings that had been able to return home for her last visit. Her oldest, closest friend Emmy Hope had flown over with her daughter, Mary, named for Margot; now finally it was time to leave.
Grace Nalder had offered to drive Margot to the Order of Blue Nuns in France, and Joey knowing how close, Margot with her godmother, agreed somewhat reluctantly. Mother and daughter spent a few hours in Margot room alone together, before she left. There wasn’t a lot to say, that hadn’t already been said, but the pair reminisced about the past, and enjoyed their last time alone together, for although visiting was allowed, it was only for one day a month, and they would have precious little time together. They finally emerged from the room and Margot spent her finally evening playing with her younger siblings, especially little Marie Claire, before spending a few moments alone with her father.
“Why do you have to go?” asked Marie Claire of Margot.
Margot smiled fondly at her youngest adopted sister. “God’s called me to do this,” she explained gently, “and I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. Who knows she said I may help someone like the nuns helped you and Mamma when you had the train accident.”
“I’ll miss you,” said Marie Claire.
“I’ll miss you too, Munchkin,” said Margot and gathered her in her arms and hugged her. “Mamma will bring you too see me every once in awhile and I will think of you everyday.”
“Promise?” asked Marie Claire, looking up at her sister.
“Promise,” replied Margot.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:39 am ]
Post subject: 

I couldn't resist and decided to post the last of the drabble. Sorry it's taken so long. Thanks for all the comments and encouragement

Now it was time to leave. Joey held her daughter one last time.
“I love you Mamma, and please don’t forget I’ll always carry you in my heart. Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I love you any less,” choked Margot becoming overwhelmed.
“I know sweetheart,” whispered Joey. “This is what you were called to do and I am so very proud of you for staying true to that. I love you to,” and Mother and daughter hugged for the last time.
Jack gave his daughter a quick fierce hug and Margot and he shared a look that went beyond words.
“I’ll see you soon. Are you sure you don’t mind me taking her there,” Grace asked Joey, giving her a searching look. Joey shook her head, already nearly crying, “No.” “Godparents are meant to guide their godchildren spiritually, and I think I chose well for Margot when I chose you. I know, so many wondered why I didn’t choose Simone, Frieda or Marie, but something told me you were the one for Margot. I may have given her the foundations, but you led her to the heights she was always meant to reach, and I think she needs you these last few hours,” said Joey with a watery smile. Grace gave Joey a sudden hug, touched beyond words at what Joey said, and her extraordinary generosity, with sharing Margot with her.

Grace and Margot spent most of the journey in silence. Grace soon realised that Margot was beyond words, trying to move through her grief of losing her family and friends and move into the life she was about to begin.
“It takes time Margot,” said Grace gently.
Margot gave a quick smile that flickered on and off her face.
“I know,” she said with a sigh. “I’m going to miss them, though.”
“I would think less of you, if you didn’t,” said Grace still gentle.
Margot relaxed under her words and silence fell between them again, but it was a peaceful silence, this time.
“Do you know?” Said Margot suddenly, “I only have one regret.”
“What’s that?” queried Grace with quizzical smile, wondering what her goddaughter was about to say.
Margot grinned at her, “I wish in some ways, I could have had a daughter,” she said and her smile faded. “I would call her Jeanie Grace.”
“Oh Margot,” said Grace, heart full of emotions she couldn’t identify and a look of understanding passed between them.
Grace was the only one who knew the depths of doubt Margot had of: am I doing the right thing? And Grace could hear the echo of that pass through the years, until it stayed in the car travelling to the convent in France.
“Everything that I thought I could do instead; working with the homeless, helping them get off drugs and alcohol and find peace, God found someone else that could do it just as well if not better than me.”
“Chas is working at the refuge with John, Sarah is their doctor, and Alison is teaching them, helping them find a better life. Alison can teach them better than I ever could cos she understands their life in a way I never could; Sarah has a calmness, a patience and Chas, well you know Chas,” and Margot half shrugged.
Yes Grace knew Chas; the boy who had turned into a man still had the same quality that inspired people to be the best they could be.
“It was as if God was refusing to release me from my calling and this is what I was called to do, no matter how hard it may be,” finished Margot on a wistful note.
“Oh Margot,” and Grace pulled the car over and hugged her goddaughter.
“You will do well,” she said. “I know you will and you do help people believe again when others have hurt them. Look at all you have done for Maggie and Siobhan.” “But Maggie doesn’t believe,” said Margot grieving for her friend’s pain.
“You don’t know what may happen, but did all you could,” said Grace firmly, her voice reverberating with the same grief Margot felt.
The two sat still for moment. “Margot you can only stay true to yourself and what you are called to do and as hard as it may be and is, you need to trust the rest to God. You are only responsible for yourself. But oh, I know how hard it is that you can’t change the world and put everything right.”
“But God can,” said Margot before she could help it.
“The age old question,” said Grace with a smile that somehow wasn’t a smile.
“How do you live with it?” asked Margot, remembering Grace’s own pain she carried from the war.
“By doing as much as I can, for those that I can,” said Grace quietly, “and somehow trusting God will see to the rest. And I know,” went on Grace, her voice laced with sadness, “I know God grieves far more than I do and I have to believe that he will make it right in the end.”
There didn’t seem anything left to say and so the two continued their journey, until they arrived at the convent.
“Thanks for everything Auntie Grace,” said Margot.
“You’re welcome,” said Grace and drew her goddaughter in her arms and held her one last time. A look of love and understanding passed between them before Margot left the car and entered the convent.
“Oh Margot, I’m going to miss you,” Grace half whispered. “Go with God.” And she turned around and drove home

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:58 am ]
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Am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Thank you Fiona for a wonderful drabble.

Author:  Celia [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:52 pm ]
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Me too!!

Thanks Fiona. Such a positive and moving ending.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:18 pm ]
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The perfect ending - a true example of triumph over adversity, as Margot finally understands that all obstacles to her accepting her 'call' have been removed and she is ready to go ahead. Thank you, Fiona for a very moving drabble.

Author:  Alison H [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:43 pm ]
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Thank you, Fiona.

Author:  Elbee [ Sun Sep 07, 2008 9:26 pm ]
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Thank you, Fiona, this has been very moving.

Author:  Karoline [ Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:59 am ]
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Thank you Fiona

Author:  PaulineS [ Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:26 am ]
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Thank you Fiona. I too have tears at those moving scenes.



Quote:
“Why do you have to go?” asked Marie Claire of Margot.
Margot smiled fondly at her youngest adopted sister. “God’s called me to do this,” she explained gently, “and I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. Who knows she said I may help someone like the nuns helped you and Mamma when you had the train accident.”
“I’ll miss you,” said Marie Claire.


The relationship between Marie Claire and Margot is so close here, and Marie Clare's comments echo those of many younger sibblings.

Author:  Ela [ Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:25 pm ]
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This has been really beautiful - Margot's journey from childish faith, through doubt and anger, to real faith and her true calling, has been very realistic. Thank-you, Fiona.

Author:  Mrs Redboots [ Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:10 pm ]
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Thank you, Fiona!

Author:  Abi [ Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:41 pm ]
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A wonderful ending, with so much hope for the future. Thank you Fiona, this has been really moving.

Author:  abbeybufo [ Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:09 am ]
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Superb ending Fiona, thank you.

Author:  MaryR [ Thu Sep 18, 2008 2:44 pm ]
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Thank you so much for this story, Fiona. I was so moved by Margot's growth to maturity in her calling but I also loved meeting Grace and seeing what a lovely, perceptive person she is.

Author:  Cat C [ Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:41 pm ]
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Oh, this was so lovely to read (all in one go, lucky me!) - truly one to bring out the young lettuce in a reader.

(I suppose I had better explain that the saddest sentence in English comes from Mrs Beeton's recipe book, where she instructs her readers to 'first break the heart of a young lettuce.' :roll: )

Author:  Meg14 [ Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Change of Heart-Margot's Story Completed 7/9/08

Thanks for this. I too read it all in one go! It was very moving and I am so glad Margot found her way through her anger. I hope she went on to become everything that a nun should be and always stood up against those who bullied and tortured the vulnerable. Very very moving.

Author:  Sarah_G-G [ Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Change of Heart-Margot's Story Completed 7/9/08

Thank you Fiona for writing what must have been harrowing story to write. I followed it as you were posting up to about half way through, the missed a load so decided to wait until I had time to read the whole thing through, which I have just done. It was beautifully and very powerfully written- I too have had tears running down my face for some time. I'm so glad Margot had the support that enabled her to work through everything and more relieved than I can say that you have shown us that despite all the stories that have been coming out over the past decade or so about how terribly some Church-led institutions did abuse their power, there were (and are, I'm sure) many who entered these institutions to help and who did their best to follow a true calling. To see both sides is simultaneously harrowing and heart-warming.

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