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The CBB -> St Mildred's House

#1: The Birds and The Bees 30/7 finished Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:30 pm
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Reg Entwhistle was walking the pretty Len Maynard home on a warm summer's evening.

"Oh, Reg do come in for some coffee!"

Ever the gentleman, Reg obliged.

"Make your self comfortable whilst I just let Mamma and Papa know we are back!"

Reg sat back on the sofa in the Speisesaal and gazed at the myriad pictures of the Maynard children, dominated by a huge oil painting of the great Dr Jack and his wife over the fireplace.

Len's petite footsteps trotted gaily upstairs, then there was silence. Reg leaned back his head against the lime green cushions and smiled. This was the life! Soon he...

Scream!

"What the blazes!" uttered Reg. A tearful, squealing Len tore down the stairs.

Scream!

"Len, sugarpie what the matter?"

Scream! Scream! Scream!

Reg gave the hysterical girl a shake.

"What on earth is the matter?"

"Mamma and Papa! Mamma and Papa! Oh Reg they're..."

"What?"

"Oh it was horrible! They're..."

"What? are they dead?"

Len shook her head.

"WHAT THEN?" Reg was becoming desperate. He sat Len down and moved to investigate whatever catastrophe had befallen the good doctor and his wife. Len grabbed his sleeve.

"Oh no! Don't go! Please don't go Reg! They're...They're...They're! Boo hoo hoo! Boo hoo hoo! They're having sex! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sob! Sob! Sob!"

Reginald Entwhistle was astounded. Suddenly a lime green attired tornado arrived, closely followed by the great doctor in considerably reduced male authority, with a red face to match his red dressing gown.

Len wept into Reg's chest as she saw her guilty parents.

"Helena! My lamb! Come to Mamma!"

"Oh how could you? How could you?" Len sobbed. Jack went redder than ever!

Last edited by Phil on Sun Jul 30, 2006 9:56 pm; edited 5 times in total

#2: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:32 pm
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Laughing

Thanks Phil

#3: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:00 am
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Shocked

Well, at least she knew what they were doing! Thanks, Phil.

#4: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:24 am
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Fatima wrote:

Well, at least she knew what they were doing! Thanks, Phil.

True, she might have thought they were attacking each other! Rolling Eyes

Thanks Phil Laughing

#5: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 8:58 am
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Shocked

Enough to put you off sex for life...all that lime green everywhere!

Thanks Phil

#6: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 10:33 am
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Thanks, Phil. It was great to see Jack at a loss of what to do for once!

#7: Author: Dreaming Marianne, Location: Second star to the right

Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 8:52 pm
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I see new interpretation of "being busy"...

#8: Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 9:42 pm
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Hot milk and one of Jack's patent slaps for a hysterical patient soon calmed the young Miss Maynard. Jack asked Reg to leave, which that young man did with alacrity. The last thing he heard was a despairing wail of,

"No Reg! Don't go! Don't leave me with them"

"We were only trying for quads my love!" said Joey, comforting her distressed daughter.

Len proceeded to have hysterics again, but a stern look from her father quietened her down.

"Now then young lady what do you mean by bursting in on us?"

"Jack don't be so hard!"

"Papa, I did knock! And you hadn't even locked the door!"

Jack went red at this.

"I've told you to repair the lock before Jack!" hissed Joey.

"I think your teachers should tell you about the birds and the bess! I shall get on to Nell Wilson straight away!" Jack's word was law.

"Why can't you and Mama tell me? You are my parents!"

Jack had no answer. Margot and Con burst in, in a fit of giggles!

#9: Author: brie, Location: Glasgow

Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:31 pm
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fabulous Phil! i can't wait for some more... i wonder what nell will have to say?? Laughing

#10: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:50 pm
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Thanks, Phil. I loved Joey's line about the quads!

#11: Author: Michelle, Location: Near London

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 2:14 am
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I loved "Jack don't be so hard" - although I'm sure Joey didn't mean it the way I interpreted it!

Poor Len... but so funny, all of it!

#12: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:50 am
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Thanks Phil. Laughing

And I think Jack should explain it all, after all, he's the doctor!

#13: Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 9:45 pm
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"Oh dear Len! What's wrong?" cried Con.

Len had pulled herself away from the lime green clad Joey and sat on the settee staring at her parents accusingly. Her sisters rushed to either side of her, prepared to gush forth sympathy and sisterly affection on their triplet.

"I caught our parents in the act of...of...of..."

"Yes?" Con and Margot displayed horrified glances at their red faced parents.

"Of doing..."

"Yes?"

"Papa was on M...."

"WHAT?"

"THEY WERE MAKING LOVE TO EACH OTHER! THEY WERE HAVING SEX!"

There was a pregnant pause whilst this penetrated. Then Margot and Con burst out laughing in a most unladylike roar of laughter.

"Oh you brutes! Have you no idea of the shock I got? I thought they were slaughtering each other at first! It's not something you ever want to see! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!"

"Oh come on! Len! You can't be so innocent!" said Margot.

"Yes we've both seen it before, haven't we Margot?"

An icy silence fell. A cold wind of change swept through the Speisesaal and with one voice, Jack, Joey and Len chorused,

"I BEG YOUR PARDON, YOUNG LADY?"

#14: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 9:53 pm
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Thanks, Phil. I can't wait to find out where Con and Margot have seen it before!

#15: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 9:53 pm
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Love that Con and Margot are so matter-of-fact about it! Laughing

Thanks Phil

#16: Author: LL, Location: Random bits of North London

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 11:04 pm
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Fabulous, Phil!
*G*

#17: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 11:10 pm
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Loving this, Phil!

#18: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 5:30 am
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Shocked

We've both seen it before?! Please tell us how that came about, Phil!

#19: Author: brie, Location: Glasgow

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 11:31 am
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thanks phil... im still laughing!!

#20: Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 10:07 pm
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Margot appeared to be mouthing an uncouth oath and shot a look at Con which clearly said, "This is another fine mess you've landed me in!" She blushed crimson and stood up to her full height of six feet, no inches. She looked her parents squarely in the eye and commenced her explanation.

"Well we saw Hill and Philary...I mean Phil and Hilary... They were..."

"You mean Dr and Mrs Graves?" shrieked Jack, steam fairly coming out of his ears.

Joey was at boiling point too, but for another reason.

"How dare you refer to them as Phil and Hilary! It's Uncle Phil and Auntie Hilary!"

"The swine! I'll kill him! Copulating in front of my daughters!" roared Jack

"Where's my shotgun?" he bellowed.

"No Papa! I don't mean Dr Graves! Please listen!"

"Oh? And which Phil and Hilary do you mean?"

Jack still grasped his shotgun which Margot eyed warily.

"The bunnies Dad! The bunnies! Auntie Biddy's boys have got some pet rabbits, one is a boy, Phil and the other is a girl, Hilary! They were a gift from Uncle Phil and Auntie Hilary! We happened to be there when they consummated their bunny union!"

Jack dropped his gun. It was loaded with blanks. Fortunately the great doctor did not fire them. Or Phil Graves for that matter.

"That's right Papa! Auntie Nell was there too and she told us all about rabbit and humans and the French runner bean!" added Con.

"Well the French runner bean was so boring! It's a hermaphrodite! Give me proper reproduction any day!" said Margot.

"I sincerely hope you don't mean that last comment literally, seeing as how you wish to take Holy Orders!" said Joey acidly.

Jack sank wearily into his armchair.

"Bless my soul!"

Suddenly there was an eruption.

"It's not fair! Why should those two have a sex ed lesson and I be left out? I'm the one getting married!" growled Len.

"I found out the hard way!" The light of battle was in Helena's eyes now.

#21: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 10:44 pm
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Thanks, Phil. I loved the reaction to Con's statement!

#22: Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 4:51 pm
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"Helena, my lamb, if it so important to you, we shall get Auntie Nell to visit and give you a special lesson all to yourself!"

Joey's golden voice soothed everything like honey.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The phone rang.

"Oh bother!" thus Nell of St Mildred's.

"Gill, if that's Hilda, tell her I can't make it to the Gasthaus tonigh...Joey...Very well, Gill Put her through."

"Hello Joey....Yes?.....Indeed? A SEX EDUCATION LESSON? But...but..but...but...Jack's had to disappear to a sudden case of a cut finger in Montreux? How convenient! Very well, I shall come this instant!"

Nell Wilson collected her copy of "Ball's Book of Reproduction" a sample of runner beans and went via the Courvoisier household to collect Phil and Hilary..

#23: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 4:58 pm
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Thank you Phil...I sincerly hope that she's going to demonstrate with the bunny Phil and Hilary!

#24: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 5:06 pm
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Please let us see Nell's lesson, Phil!

#25: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 6:24 pm
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Thanks, Phil. I am really looking forward to seeing the lesson!

#26: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 7:10 pm
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Oh good grief! Can't Jack and Joey do their own parenting for once! Rolling Eyes

Thanks Phil.

#27: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 8:21 pm
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Can't wait to hear about the lesson!

#28: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 8:26 pm
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Love the props! Very Happy

thanks Phil

#29: Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 9:55 pm
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Nell Wilson entered Freuedesheim with an air of severity. SHe was here in her capacity as Co Headmistress and Head of Sciences at the Chalet School. She gave Joey a look which sent her back to her guilty days as a middle. She laid out her props on the kitchen table and assembled the triplets and their mother.

"I am including you in this lesson Josephine, since you so obviously forgot my lessons on the topic as to not impart them to your daughters. However, you are more than capable of the practical side! Margot and Con, this is a refresher course for you. Len, I hope you will find this an interesting experience."

Nell held up the French runner beans. "Now, les haricots! MARGOT! If you roll your eyes again, you will stand in the corner, facing the wall with your hands on your head!"

"Sorry Miss Wilson!"

"Good. Now the hermaphrodite bean....."

Nell continued in this rather pointless vein for twenty minutes, until Len's eyes glazed over.

"Now sexual as opposed to asexual reproduction is quite different. Turn to page 15 of your Balls."

Len's eyes goggled with horror and she gasped at the illustrations. Margot and Con smirked. Already irritated at being called out for this impromptu lesson, Nell lost her temper.

"Find this funny? Stand in the corner, hands on head, facing the wall. No talking! As punishment you will write me a 1000 word essay on the rabbit."

Nell lifted the hutch onto the table.

"Now Len, we are about to see reproduction in action."

"I think I've seen enough for one night Auntie Nell!"

Joey blushed furiously.

"Jack still hasn't repaired the lock hasn't he?"

Nell tried to get Phil and Hilary interested in one another. Neither rabbit wanted to play ball. They were happily chewing on carrots and lettuce.

"Come on ! Come On! Bunny! Bunny! Bunny!" coaxed Nell. She laid Phil on top of Hilary, but he leapt off and went back to his lettuce. Joey burst out laughing, only to receive a cold look from her former teacher.

"Josephine, I am trying to teach. Go and stand in the corner with your daughters!"

"But Nell?!"

"Do you want a detention?"

"No!"

"Do you know how to avoid one?"

Joey slunk into the corner, hands on head, facing the wall. Suddenly Len gave a squeal of delight.

"Oh Mamma! Auntie Nell! The rabbits are playing!"

Sure enough the bunnies were playing ball and Len completed her lesson on the birds and the bees. After a quick oral test in which she scored ten out of ten, Len skipped happily to her room where she did some extra prep that night on reproduction.

Such was the joy on Len's face, Miss Wilson rescinded her previous punishments to Con, Margot and Joey. She left Feuedesheim with a few words to the lady of the house.

"In future, get Jack to fix that lock and tell him to take more of an interest in explaining the facts of life to his children. I don't want to come and do the same thing for your boys!"

Joey's eyes brightened.

"Nell, maybe you should, the boys do miss you!"

Joey's own front door was slammed back in her face for this.

"Well I never! Was it something I said or did?"

#30: Author: leahbelle, Location: Kilmarnock

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 10:16 pm
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*giggles and then giggles again* Thanks, Phil.

#31: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 10:29 pm
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Thanks, Phil. That was a brilliant lesson. I'm really glad that Nell got her revenge on Joey. Is it too late to ask very nicely if we can see Nell's revenge on Jack, please?

#32: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 10:29 pm
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Well done Nell! Laughing

#33: Author: KathrynW, Location: London

Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 11:29 pm
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*giggles*

Thanks Phil

#34: Author: Fatima, Location: Sunny Qatar

Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 4:46 am
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Laughing

Thanks Phil.

#35: Author: Sandra, Location: Oxfordshire

Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 11:03 pm
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Quote:

Len skipped happily to her room where she did some extra prep that night on reproduction

Did Reg help????

#36: Author: alicat, Location: Wiltshire

Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:35 am
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Am crying with laughter over what exactly 'learning the hard way' might involve????

clearly I have a very rude mind!!!!

#37: Author: Jools, Location: Sadly Broke

Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 8:43 am
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Wonderful! Very Happy

Thanks Phil

The CBB -> St Mildred's House

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