Madge Finds Out
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#41:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 9:29 pm

Oh no!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

*giggles insanely*


#42:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:27 pm

Thanks, Cryst. I've just caught up and this is as great as ever! I feel sorry for David when he had to explain to Madge. I wonder how the appointment with Dr Schmidt will go.


#43:  Author: JoyfulLocation: Manchester PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 1:58 pm

Oh goodness! Laughing
Just did a big catching up...David's lovely and at least Madge has some idea, even if Jem doesn't know that yet...slightly worried about how she's going to tell him she knows...


#44:  Author: Cryst PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:06 pm

“Hello Joey”

“Madge! How lovely to hear from you again, it was only yesterday when we spoke. I’ve got something pretty exciting to tell you actually - but let me have your news first. There’s not something wrong is there? How are you getting on with finding out about this menopause business?”

“There’s so much to tell you, Joey. What an eventful day I had yesterday, what with everything! But yes, I now have quite a bit of information about the menopause, and I’m pretty sure that is indeed what is at the bottom of my health problems.”

“Oh good, at least you know now. Did you go to the Doctor, or talk to Jem? Is there any treatment available to stop you feeling so dreadful?”

“Gosh – so many questions, little sister. Yes, I did talk to Jem, and what’s more David is home for a couple of days, and he’s been a huge help. Joey, I’ve now found out about, … er … sexual intercourse and so on, and how Jack and Jem kept us in the dark all this time.”

“Phew, Madge, that is such good news,” said Joey with immense relief. “I’ve been just dying to tell you, but Jack said that Jem must tell you himself. How are you feeling about it all? It was a bit of a shock to me at first, I can tell you, but now that we’ve fully explored our marital relationship … Madge,” Joey paused, and sighed ecstatically, “oh Madge, it is all so, so wonderful. Have you and Jem had a go yet?

“No. Certainly not. I’m still coming to terms with the information really, Joey. Jem hasn’t actually told me about it himself, but he sort of had to tell David, who had caught wind of some of it and come to the conclusion that he must be adopted. So Jem explained to David that instead of this, er, … sexual intercourse thing, Jem had used a medical procedure while I was asleep to make me conceive. I’ve been wondering a bit about that, actually, but I’m not sure I want the details. To be honest, I feel hugely betrayed that Jem has kept such a secret from me for all these years. Anyway, I’m determined it’s not going to change our marriage. I’ve certainly no intention of doing that revolting thing that they have pictures of in the leaflets. It says in my leaflet that menopausal women lose their libido anyway. To be honest, I don’t think I ever had one of those, but if I did, it is certainly lost for ever now, and I’m not about to go looking for it. No, I fear that at this late time in our lives, sexual relationships will have to remain a closed book in this marriage. I’m a bit worried that Jem will want to pursue the matter, but I’m sure that what he and Jack have been doing, if not out-and-out illegal, is at least medically unethical, so if he tries anything, I shall just threaten to report him to the authorities.”

For once Joey was silent, and had the good sense not to probe further, nor to enlighten her about the Russell/Maynard turkey baster method of artificial insemination. The revelation had clearly unfolded rather differently in the Russell household. All she said was “You never know, Madge, you might feel differently once you have a chance to get used to the idea and you’ve discussed it properly with Jem.”

Madge replied rather snappily “I’m rather hoping I won’t have to discuss it with him at all, actually. He’s failed to get round to telling me for 30 odd years, so I’m certainly not going to bring the subject up. And he is so useless at this sort of discussion that I very much doubt that he will even try. Anyway, thank you for listening, Joey, it’s good that I have someone I can talk to about this.”

“In fact,” she continued, “I phoned up to ask you a favour. David has been helping me try to find a specialist in the treatment of menopause symptoms, and the leading man is a doctor in Innsbruck. I’ve made an appointment to see him next week, and I was thinking that maybe I could make a short holiday of it and stay at Die Blumen for a week or so? I thought I’d take Rosa with me. What do you think? There isn’t anyone staying there, is there?”

“No, no-one’s expected until Christmas, but it’s not been empty long, so shouldn’t take much airing at this time of year. You’d be most welcome, Madge, of course.”

“Many thanks Joey. I’ll give you a ring from there and let you know how I get on with Herr Doktor Schmidt, shall I? I do hope he’ll have some treatments that will help.”

“So do I, Madge. Good luck with it.”

“Now, did you say you also had some news, Joey. Spill the beans, then!”

“Ah well, now, you mustn’t tell anyone, Madge, because I want it to be a surprise, but I’ve booked a hairdresser’s appointment for tomorrow. I’ve decided to take the plunge - the earphones are most definitely for the chop.”

Madge shrieked in astonishment and excitement. “Joey!! Now that really is news. What sort of style are you going for?”

Joey replied tantalisingly “You’ll just have to wait and see, Madge, won’t you. I’ll send you a photo as soon as I can get one in the post, but I daresay you’ll get a few descriptions from everyone else. You’ll have to let me know what reports you get.”

They exchanged their farewells, and it was only after Joey had put down the phone that the name of the doctor registered. Blast. It was almost certainly the same chap that she had seen, and she really should let Madge know, if only to warn her that she might bump into Thekla. But that would mean coming clean about her little problem, and Joey had thus far managed to keep her stress incontinence to herself – she still felt acutely embarrassed about it. She decided to mull about it for a day or two to decide what to do.


#45:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:10 pm

Actually I can sympathise with Madge here - not sure I'd want anything to do with a man that had done that to me for 30 years! Laughing

Oh dear - so will Madge meet Thekla then???

Thanks Cryst.


#46:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:20 pm

Actually, Madge has a good point there. And Jo's going to the hairdressers?! Hooray!
Thanks, Cryst.


#47:  Author: Alison HLocation: Manchester PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:49 pm

Don't blame Madge - especially given how totally unsympathetic Jem has been about her problems.


#48:  Author: Kat PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:51 pm

Please don't let Joey have a perm or something! It would look awful on her... though it is tempting Twisted Evil


#49:  Author: RosyLocation: Gloucestershire-London-Aberystwyth PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:55 pm

This is fab. Am really enjoying it.


#50:  Author: Mrs RedbootsLocation: London, UK PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 8:40 pm

Yaay, an update! Thanks, Cryst.


#51:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:13 pm

I wouldn't want Jem to touch me after that! Or give me anything to eat or drink!


#52:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:22 pm

Thanks, Cryst. Isn't Jem just inept in this drabble?


#53:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:34 am

No, I can't say I blame her either...!


#54:  Author: Cryst PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 7:23 am

Jennie wrote:
Thanks, Cryst. Isn't Jem just inept in this drabble?

I'd like to say he's about to redeem himself, but ...

“Good afternoon, Dr Maynard speaking.”

“Hello Jack, Jem here. I thought I’d better give you a quick tinkle to let you know that there have been developments at this end. Are you free to talk?”

“Yes of course, old man. How’s it going?”

“Well, Madge still doesn’t know, but David’s at home for a couple of days and he seems to have found out. Well, I had to tell him really – he’d gathered from something Madge said that we’d never, … you know… and he’d come to the conclusion that he must therefore be adopted. Then he caught me dosing her milk and put two and two together – made a few more than four actually. After that I ended up having to tell him.”

“Good heavens, Jem. How did he take it?”

“Oh, pretty well, really, after he’d calmed down. I was hoping he’d explain it all to Madge for me, but he won’t. Says I’ve got to do it myself! Damn cheek. But I’ve been giving it a good deal of thought this morning, and unless she brings the subject up I’ve decided not to say anything. I’m very concerned that when she finds out, she’ll be keen to … you know … give it a try, especially if your Joey starts filling her head with tales of how wonderful it all is. To tell you the truth, Jack, I’m not at all sure that I’d come up to scratch in the bedroom department. I’m a little old to be learning new tricks, you know.”

“But, Jem, she’s sure to find out, and I’m sure you’ll be fine in bed - it’s not at all hard, you know.”

Jem gave a hollow laugh. “Yes, that’s my predicament exactly. It’s funny really. All these years, I’ve had problems with the old John Thomas standing to attention at the slightest provocation, and at the most inconvenient times, but lately it doesn’t seem in the least bit that way inclined. In fact, to be honest, Madge is a lovely girl, but I don’t really … er … react to her romantically any more, if you take my drift. These last few weeks – well – she’s grown a bit of a moustache, she’s miserable and mopes about, goes bright red for no apparent reason, randomly bites my head off, and has been going round the house farting like a carthorse. She just doesn’t… you know… have the desired effect on me any more. So I’ve decided. I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m going to keep quiet.”

“BUT WHAT IF SHE FINDS OUT?” by now the frustrated Jack was almost shouting down the phone at his brother-in-law.

“Well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. If she says something, then obviously I’ll have to explain. Otherwise – well, why put her through it when we can just rub along as usual. I’m going to stop the turkey baster business though. She’s decided she’s menopausal so it shouldn’t be a surprise to her that she doesn’t get pregnant.”

“Jem, this is going to go horribly wrong. There are a hundred and one ways she could find out the facts of life, and then what will she think?”

“You’re such a pessimist, Jack. It’ll be fine, you’ll see. No reason why she’d find out – she hasn’t suspected a thing for the last thirty years, has she?”

And with that the conversation ended. They exchanged a few pleasantries and hung up. Jack sat looking at the phone for a good few minutes, waves of incredulity washing over him. How had he let things get into this state?


#55:  Author: Alison HLocation: Manchester PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 7:37 am

Jem is a lost cause! Madge needs to find herself someone better.


#56:  Author: RosyLocation: Gloucestershire-London-Aberystwyth PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 8:32 am

That's terrible. Jem is an idiot. Thankyou!


#57:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 9:40 am

How niaive can you get?


#58:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:39 pm

Oh, heavens, Jem has just raised idiocy to a level beyond art!


#59:  Author: RroseSelavyLocation: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:41 pm

“But, Jem, she’s sure to find out, and I’m sure you’ll be fine in bed - it’s not at all hard, you know.”

Jem gave a hollow laugh. “Yes, that’s my predicament exactly.



#60:  Author: SophoifeLocation: down under Down Under PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 3:32 pm

Jem is a total nitwit.


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