Madge Finds Out
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#21:  Author: Cryst PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:35 am

Alison H wrote:
Jem is so hopeless that I'm beginning to hope that Madge does a Lady Chatterley -

Hmmm. Funny you should mention that....


#22:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:31 pm

Honestly, I've seen an amoeba with more gumption that Jem!


#23:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:08 pm

What Madge needs is an Alan Bates-type farmer who'll introduce her to sex in a haystack. Much better than Jem.


#24:  Author: Cryst PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:49 pm

David was late coming down to breakfast – partly because he felt like a lie-in, but also because he preferred not to face his father this morning after the revelations of the night before. So he waited until he heard Jem leave, then he got dressed quickly, washed and shaved, and went downstairs.

Madge was sitting at the breakfast table, engrossed in her morning post, and with a confused look about her. The leaflets from Caroline had arrived and she had been digesting the one designed to explain the facts of life to teenagers. By the time David arrived she had some questions. Poor David had hardly eaten a mouthful of his bacon and scrambled egg before she started.

“David, I’ve been reading this leaflet that the NHS Direct have sent me. It explains all about male and female bodies, sexual intercourse, how babies are made and so on. It’s answered a lot of the questions I had, and I think it’s now nearly all straight in my mind. But there’s one huge puzzle. Jem and I have never done any of these things. So, unless you’ve got a better idea, I’ve decided that your conception, and that of the rest of the family, must be a miracle. Immaculate conception. I’m very surprised that it’s happened to us, just an ordinary English family, but I don’t suppose Joseph and Mary were sure why they were chosen either. I think I’ll phone the vicar to ask him to come up to discuss it. I’m sure he’ll help me to straighten things out in my mind and work out how we can all dedicate our lives to God. He must have a higher purpose for this family.” She got up from the table and started making her way to the phone.

David was alarmed. The last thing his father needed was the vicar’s involvement in this, but he knew Jem was operating this morning, so couldn’t really call him back home to explain things to Madge. Cursing inwardly he decided it was up to him. Damn. Damn. Damn. Despite managing to be so firm with his father the previous night, he would end up having to be the one to break the news to Madge.

“Mother”, he said gently, his eggs going colder by the minute, “please sit down for a moment. Father has been trying for some time to find the right moment to explain something to you. He mentioned it to me last night. Apparently, although you and he have not had the usual sort of marital relations, he is biologically the father of all your children. He has been using a … er …” no, it was no use, he couldn’t bring himself to mention the turkey baster, she would never be able to face her Christmas dinner again. “He has been using a … er … simple medical procedure to fertilise your eggs while you sleep.”

“But, why?” his mother asked.

“Out of some sort of misguided respect for you, I think, Mother. You’ll have to let him explain it himself.”

“So you’re not divine?”

“No Mother, I’m certainly not.”

“And I’m not a chosen handmaiden of The Lord?”

“No Mother, I’m afraid not, but you are very, very special to us all. Father will explain it all tonight, I’m sure. Now, how about you letting me finish my breakfast, and then we’ll see about that appointment with a menopause specialist, shall we?”

Madge assented, poured him a cup of coffee and returned, with her relief tinged with disappointment, to her leaflets.


#25:  Author: Mrs RedbootsLocation: London, UK PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:52 pm

Oh, poor Madge - but I can quite see how the confusion arose!

Thanks, Cryst!


#26:  Author: Kat PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:53 pm

Laughing Brilliant updates Cryst, thank you!

Poor old David though!


#27:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:54 pm

“And I’m not a chosen handmaiden of The Lord?”

Totally unable to stop giggling at that line!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing

Poor David - yet he explained very well =- and at least Madge knows now!

Thanks Cryst - that was wonderful.


#28:  Author: kerenLocation: Israel PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:09 pm

kept checking to see if this was back.
very funny


#29:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:15 pm

Phew! It's all in the open now, at last! I hope Madge gives Jem a really tough time about it all, though, he certainly deserves it!


#30:  Author: TanLocation: London via Newcastle Australia PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:00 pm




#31:  Author: Alison HLocation: Manchester PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:01 pm

At least David stopped her before she could tell the vicar she'd had 6 (well, 5 seeing as the last 2 were twins) miracle births!


#32:  Author: BethCLocation: Worcester, UK PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 10:49 pm

Lesley wrote:
“And I’m not a chosen handmaiden of The Lord?”

Totally unable to stop giggling at that line!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing

Me too!
Thank you, Cryst - looking forward to more...


#33:  Author: tiffinataLocation: melbourne, australia PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 4:26 am

I needed that chuckle! Laughing


#34:  Author: Cryst PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 12:48 pm

Glad you enjoyed that. I'm rather wishing I'd let her talk to the vicar now, but I thought it might make storyline rather far-fetched. Sorry this next bit's rather boring, but I'm setting up ...

The morning’s research went well. David started the ball rolling by phoning up some medical contacts for initial leads, but after that he sensibly encouraged his mother to make the follow-up phone calls herself, to help her overcome her awkwardness about discussing her problems, and to give her greater fluency in the use of all the new terms and concepts she had so recently learnt. Madge gradually started to feel in control. The results, however, were not encouraging. There were very few practitioners in this field, and most of the treatments suggested were the basic lifestyle and dietary changes that Jem had already come up with. One or two sources were recommending dietary supplements - natural foods or herbal treatments - but there was no evidence of huge success. Although very willing to try these suggestions, deep down Madge was certain that they would not relieve the symptoms to the extent that her normal life would continue to be possible. There was, however, one ray of hope.

David summarised the situation. “As far as I can see, Mother, nothing we’ve come up with is likely to make much difference apart from this chap in Innsbruck. He has carefully documented the results of his research into using hormonal treatments to relieve menopausal symptoms, and has an international reputation. This is all very new, but he has also very carefully considered the side effects. He takes a very individual approach, tailoring the treatment towards the circumstances and hormone levels of the individual women under his care, and if necessary he will also prescribe anti-depressants to help with any mental symptoms. It really does sound like the sort of approach you need. Unfortunately, he’s rather far away.”

Madge pondered. “Yes, but Innsbruck isn’t the end of the earth, is it? I don’t suppose Jem would come with me, he is far too tied up at work. The children are all at school now, though, so Rosa and I could take a trip over. Innsbruck is within an easy day’s travelling from the Tiernsee, so I could combine it with a short holiday, if Joey would let me use Die Blumen. I don’t think there’s anyone else due to be staying there until Christmas.”

“But what about follow-up consultations?” asked David.

“Well there is always the telephone if something urgent crops up. And we usually go over to the Tyrol at least once a year, so I could very easily set up an annual check-up. What do you think?”

Between them they decided to give Dr Schmidt a try, and Madge put through a long distance call. She was able to speak to him in person, and after questioning her in some detail he agreed to take her on. He felt that an initial consultation in person would indeed be best, but did not see any major problems with the distance factor thereafter, especially after Madge had explained that the family had a holiday home in the area and that she was multilingual and a seasoned continental traveller. She made a provisional appointment for the following week, on the understanding that she would phone back to cancel should there be any problems with the travel and accommodation arrangements.

They sat back in satisfaction. A good morning’s work. All they had to do now was sort out the travel arrangements ... and tell Jem.


#35:  Author: Alison HLocation: Manchester PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 1:08 pm

Aww, David is so sweet. & hopefully whilst Madge is away from Jem she will be swept off her feet by someone who's more up to the job Laughing !


#36:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 1:34 pm

Well, she certainly deserves to be swept off her feet. I can see that she would be disappointed not to be the mother of another Holy Family, but poor David, having to explain it all to her.


#37:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:11 pm

Good for Madge - glad she's getting some control back into her life. Definitely want to see her conversation with Jem.

PS David is wonderful - wish he were my doctor. Wink

Thanks Cryst.


#38:  Author: FatimaLocation: Sunny Qatar PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 3:44 pm

Yes, David is definitely going to make some lucky lady a fine SLOC! I also hope that Madge finds some attractive chap while she's in Interlaken! Thanks, Cryst.


#39:  Author: RowenaLocation: NE England PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 4:23 pm

Dr Schmidt MUST be married to an Old Girl.... mustn't he? Did they ever let a doctor escape unmarried from their clutches?


#40:  Author: Kat PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 6:17 pm

I wonder if he'll make the connection between Madge and Joey? Laughing And what will Thekla think when she see's her?! ROFL


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