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Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 4
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Author:  Nightwing [ Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 4
Jo Bettany awoke with a start. She'd been having some kind of terrible nightmare, in which she was being chased by a dark a terrible shadow that wanted to eat her smothered with blaubeeren jam. That's what I get for midnighting, she thought ruefully. Hope I don't look too dreadful in the morning - Matey will find out what we were up to in no time, and Mademoiselle won't be too happy about her prefects breaking the rules! She sighed, and rolled over, thinking that if Mademoiselle didn't want her prefects braking the rules she probably shouldn't have left them permanently unsupervised and with access to large quantities of medicinal brandy, then frowned.

Her bedsheets seemed awfully itchy. And - now that she thought about it, wasn't her mattress a great deal harder than usual? She sat up, and gasped. The pretty room she was accorded as Head Girl was gone and instead, she was in a room that - well, it could almost be a peasant's hut. She was lying on a mattress on the floor, covered in what seemed to be a horse blanket; in the opposite corner of the room, a pot was boiling on a rickety stove. Jo shuddered, hoping that it wasn't garlic milk that was bubbling in the pot. She couldn't stand warm garlic milk.

Before she could exclaim the room's sole door swung open and in marched a very cross looking woman. At least, Jo thought it was a woman, but as her eyes got used to the sunlight that was now streaming in she couldn't help but notice that the woman looked... vaguely familiar. In fact, the woman looked exactly like Dr Jack Maynard would look if he donned a dress and a wig and stuffed a couple of balloons down his - er, frontier.

"Jack?" Jo asked in a strangled voice. "What-"

"Ah!" Jack apparently had yet to notice that Jo was awake. "When I was young I never dreamed for a moment that my life would turn out like this! If only my husband were alive, things would be better - but instead I am stuck with nothing to my name but a useless ass." He sighed deeply. "And the useless ass won't even sell his useless cow!"

"Jack? What on earth are you on about?" This time Jo's voice wavered. She was quite fond of Jack usually, but his odd speech and dress - and the room and all - were unnerving her somewhat, and by "somewhat" I mean "completely".

"If only I were rich!" Jack continued, ignoring Jo completely. In fact, she could only assume that he hadn't even realised she was there, as he broke into a song with a cheerful refrain of

If I were a rich girl
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
If I had all the money in the world
if I were a wealthy girl

In her right frame of mind, Jo would have found several things wrong with this chorus. To start with, despite his current appearance, Jack was most certainly all man. She knew this, having once made the mistake of asking Madge why the young doctor thought it was a good idea to keep an extra pair of socks in his front trouser pocket. The resulting lecture had confused matters somewhat further, and she had spent some time afterwards reading up on herpetology, but she had grasped the concept that Jack's maleness was essentially to blame.

The next problem was that Jack was already fairly wealthy, or would be if Bob ever popped his clogs, but Jo's thoughts were somewhat distracted at this point by Jack's dancing. His, er, bowls of fruit salad were swinging wildly back and forth, and Jo wasn't sure that he wasn't going to have someone's eye out. But, finally, he stopped his wild prancing and spied Jo, still sitting on the mattress, eyes wide.

"There he is!" Jack cried, disgust plain in his voice. "I've been working my fingers to the bone all night trying to scrape together enough food for our single meal - and here he still is, lying slug-a-bed!"

He glared at Joey, who stared back, mouth hanging open like a wet sack.
Author:  shesings [ Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime
Love it - and so funny! :D :D :D
Author:  Abi [ Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime
:lol: :lol: :lol: That is pretty terrifying!
Author:  Alison H [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime
:lol: :lol: :lol: That's scary!
Author:  Nightwing [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 9:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime
"Well?" Jack demand, his, er, rice puddings swaying ominously. "What have you got to say for yourself, Jack? Don't think just because you smashed your head yesterday you're getting off lightly today!"

"Smashed my head?" Jo replied. That would explain a thing or two, actually. Jem had told her once that concussion could cause all kinds of hallucinations. He'd also said that he'd been rather concussed when he'd proposed to her sister, although Jo wasn't quite sure what that had to do with anything.

"Don't think you're getting the day off!" Jack wagged a finger at Jo. "I had to spend two hours bandaging your head, and for what? You out like a light and that nice girl Jill soaked from head to toe, and not a single pail of water to show for it. Well, I'm not having you lazing about today. You might not be able to sew, or draw, or do basic mathematical equations, but you can darn well sell the cow. Not even you are too stupid to do that, my boy!"

"Stupid yourself!" Jo retorted, finding her voice at last. "Do I look like a boy to you?" She stood up, dramatically, to prove her point, but ended up doing just the opposite since she was dressed in breeches and a great boy's blouse. She couldn't even gesture to her, er, frontier, since it was more reminiscent of the saltlakes than Kilimanjaro. (Jo may have been terrible at maths and art and science and the domestic arts, but she rather enjoyed geography.)

"What are you blathering on about now?"

"I'm a girl! Jack, I don't know whether you think this is funny-"

"You're a girl Jack?" Jack's face was contorted into a look of deep perplexity. (Perplexitness? No, it was definitely perplexity). "My only son! Suffering from gender confusion!"

"Er..." Jo found herself being clutched to Jack's... basket of eggs. And yet, feeling his hands on her back, was - nice. Very nice.

Him twisting her ear was less nice. "I don't care whether you're a boy, a girl, or a lime-green wombat! You get yourself to that market and sell that cow, and don't come home until you're done!" He towed her, unceremoniously, to the door, threw Jo out and slammed the door behind her.

Jo found herself standing in a field. It was rather picturesque, actually, as much as she hated the word. There was green grass, and buttercups, and a single dusty road leading away from the hut. It was quite lovely, and she felt like she could spend hours just sitting in the sunshine, dreaming of her next story.

Then again, she was unlikely to get very far in her dreaming with that cow around. It wasn't just that it was very large, and shaped in a way that was, to Jo's inexperienced eye, odd. It was that it was frolicking.

Jo stared at the cow for a long while. After a long while, the cow stared back. "Moo?" it said hopefully. And that was quite odd too. Jo usually only met cows during school expeditions when they were forced to sleep in herdsmen's huts - which was quite often, actually - but they didn't actually usually say moo. Or have emotions.

"Hello," she said tentatively.

"Moo!" said the cow, sounding particularly joyful. It took a step towards Jo and then - Jo wasn't quite sure what happened. It seemed to be trying to move three of its feet (did cows usually have feet?) simultaneously, only to get two of them tangled, and it suddenly fell with a bang onto its side. As its feet waved uselessly around in the air, Jo could've sworn she could hear it saying-

"Evvy, you pie-faced custard-eating four flusher! Watch where you're going, you-"

"Corney?" Jo was besides the cow in two long strides. "Corney, is that you in there? Are you-"

"Moo," offered the cow. It batted its eyes alluringly at Jo. She glared back at it.

"Get up," she snapped. "I'm taking you to the market."

"Mooooooo." The cow now sounded utterly despondent, and Jo found herself feeling quite bad.

"Don't worry," she consoled it. "We'll find you a nice new owner, I promise."

"Moo?"

They started to along the road together. Now that Jo thought about it, going to the market was probably a good idea. There'd be people there - and she'd probably be able to find someone who could tell her what on Earth was going on. Feeling better, Jo pursed her lips into a whistle.
Author:  Alison H [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:00 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 2
I'm beginning to wonder what someone's been putting in Joey's doses :lol: .
Author:  Luisa [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 6:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 2
don't know - but I hope they keep it up!
Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 6:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 2
Oh how absolutely brilliant :lol: Jack is just hilarious - I adored the sock comment - and Evvy and Corney were priceless.

Thankyou!
Author:  whitequeen [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 7:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 2
Funny! I like the Head Girl being naughty and having a midnight! :)
Author:  emma t [ Mon Dec 13, 2010 8:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 2
Brilliant!Looking forward to more soon!
Author:  Abi [ Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 2
I love the cow.... :lol:
Author:  Nightwing [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime
I'm afraid this is only going to get sillier... :oops: :lol:. Song a horribly mutated version of ]this one.

The sun was high in the sky by the time Jo caught a glimpse of the the little town where, she assumed, the market was. She'd enjoyed the walk, despite the cow's habit of stumbling - only ever with its back legs - and fluttering its eyelashes at her. Usually the only person who fluttered their eyelashes at Jo was Eustacia Benson - oh, and Joyce Linton - and Simone did, quite frequently - and now that she thought about it, Matey had the most annoying habit of trying to look beguiling while she was feeding Jo codliver oil. Still, that was beside the point, which was that being flirted with by a cow was just plain unnerving.

The town seemed to be a bustling place, full of men and women, boys and girls, all going about their daily business. At first, overwhelmed by the number of people about after her almost solitary walk, Jo simply stared about her with interest. But then she started to notice that most of the townspeople were familiar, in the same way that Jack had been. She was sure that most of the younger boys and girls were Juniors, and a great many of the other people scurrying around seemed to be the students from St Scholastika's. She was almost completely certain that the old man wearing a false beard was Gypsy Carson.

It seemed that most of them recognised her, too, which would have been a good sign if they hadn't all been calling her ''Jack".

"'Morning, Jack!" cried Hilary Burn as she hurried past with a loaf of fresh bread.

"My name is Jo-" Jo started, but Hilary had disappeared.

"Finally decided to sell that cow, eh, Jack?" piped Winnie Embury, but she'd leaped away before Jo had a chance to correct her. Jo's face slowly set into a scowl, which worsened as a group of townspeople formed a circle around her and started to sing:

Look there he goes a boy who's dull and useless
He should've been drowned in a sack
With that great big gormless face
He'd lose a losers' race
'Cause he really is a useless boy
A stupid and a useless boy
He really is a useless boy
That Jack

Even if the song was as insulting as could be - did they not think she could hear them? - Jo had to admit that the choreography was astounding.

As the refrain faded away, Jo found herself in the market square. She hesitated, not entirely sure how one went about selling a cow, and not entirely sure that she should; and suddenly she found herself enveloped in soft arms, with a cry of, "Mon amie! Je t'ai trouvé!"

"Simone!" Jo cried with some relief.

"Ah! Mon Jacques!"

"I'm not Jack, I'm-" Jo started, and then sighed. "Simone, what's going on?"

Simone sighed deeply. "Such tragedie, mon Jacques! I was on my way to ze fair zees morning, and I 'appened upon a pie-man! But 'e would not sell me 'is wares, as 'e said I could not afford zem! So I decided to sell my goose, and make a leetle money. But, now I 'ave lost 'eem!"

"You've lost Em?"

"No, I 'ave lost Lucy. My goose."
Author:  Abi [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 3
:lol: :lol: :lol:

This is splendidly silly!
Author:  jayj [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 3
Utterly crazy, but in the best possible way!
Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 3
jayj wrote:
Utterly crazy, but in the best possible way!


Wot she said! Brilliant; thankyou!
Author:  keren [ Thu Dec 16, 2010 10:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 3
Actually it is clever, as well
Author:  Nightwing [ Fri Dec 24, 2010 10:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 3
Jo immediately agreed to help Simone find her goose. By this time she was sure no one was going to give her any helpful information as to her whereabouts or the strange way everyone was behaving, and she wasn't actually sure how one went about selling a cow, so it seemed like a good distraction. Besides, Simone looked like she was about to burst into tears, something Jo preferred to avoid, at any cost. And besides that, Jo thought she had already spotted Lucy the goose - assuming, that was, that Simone had neglected to notice the 5 foot goose standing directly behind her.

"Simone," Jo said helpfully, "she's behind you."

Simone looked incredibly surprised, and turned around to look. But Lucy simply stuck close behind her, so that Simone turned a full circle without even seeing her.

"Mais non, she ees not!"

"Yes, she is," Jo replied.

"Oh, no she eesn't!"

"Yes, she ees- I mean, is!"

"Oh, no she eesn't!"

Jo opened her mouth to argue again, but luckily for her and her temper, Lucy took that moment to honk, loudly. Simone turned around again, and this time actually caught sight of the giant foul. "Lucy!" she exclaimed. "Oh, I have found you!"

She seemed close to tears again - of joy, this time, admittedly - and Jo thought it best to distract her by asking how she planned to sell Lucy. "Oh, zat ees easy," Simone told her. "One can sell anyzing in ze market place. I 'ave bought a lot here, over the years - let me tell you about it." And then, of course, she broke into song.

I bought me a cat
My cat pleased me
I fed my cat under yonder tree
My cat says fiddle-i-fee

Jo resigned herself to listening, and when Lucy and the cow joined in the dancing, actually realised she was enjoying herself. Which was lucky, as the song seemed to have as many verses as Old MacDonald and made rather less sense. However, it eventually grew to a close, and Simone bid Jo to go and see about selling her cow, promising to meet up with her again at the end of the day.

Jo tried everything to drum up interest in the cow. She called out, she cajoled, she begged. But no one was interested in a milkless, dancing American cow. Jo grew despondent, and so did the cow. But, just as the sky began to darken, an old lady approached Jo. At least, she was made up to look like an old lady, with a stick and a shawl and grease paint as thick as a particularly stupid Middle, but Jo was pretty sure it was Madge. By this time, she knew better than to call her by her real name.

"Er, hello, Old Woman," she said uncertainly. "Would you like a cow?"

"It is not what I want that is important, but what you want," said the lady. Her voice was ever soft, gentle, low. It was definitely Madge then. "You want to find your way home, don't you?"

Jo's eyes widened. This was the first person who had acknowledged that she didn't belong here. "Yes," she said earnestly. "Oh, yes!"

"Then take these magic beans," said Madge, holding out her hand. Jo eyes its contents dubiously. They didn't look magic so much as mouldy. Still - it seemed she was getting somewhere at last. "Let the beans take you where you want to go. You'll find your way home."

Jo took the beans and, when Madge demanded payment, bade farewell to her cow, who mooed sadly at her. Holding tightly to the beans, Jo went to find Simone.
Author:  Alison H [ Fri Dec 24, 2010 10:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 4
This is brilliant in a very crazy way :lol: .
Author:  Liss [ Fri Dec 24, 2010 11:05 pm ]
Post subject: 
LOL awesome!
Author:  Abi [ Sat Dec 25, 2010 12:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 4
Teehee, I just can't wait to find out what's going to happen to poor Joey next... :lol:
Author:  keren [ Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 4
Maybe they will turn into red shoes she can click?
Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jo Bettany and the Terrifying Case of the Living Pantomime 4
Nightwing wrote:
Her voice was ever soft, gentle, low. It was definitely Madge then.


:lol: :lol: :lol: You don't want to know the strangled noise that I made at this...

Thankyou!
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