At the Milton Keynes Gather the Saturday afternoon was spent, for many, knitting. I don't knit, so had to find some other way to keep occupied and wrote this – thought you might enjoy. It explains why, at the Gather at Catriona's house recently, I was given a knitted lime green fireman, complete with pole, and a knitted lime green policeman with very impressive truncheon.
It was a sunny day in Milton Keynes when the peace of the afternoon was rudely broken by 'I am the One and Only' blaring out from Nicola's phone. Most of the others sitting round the table just ignored it, only one ventured to mention that it would be very funny if Nicola really was 'the one and only' – that is Mary Lou Trelawney. The others did not really take any notice – everyone was very tired after being rudely awoken by a fire mysteriously being lit at Heron's Lodge at 3am that morning. No-one had admitted to being responsible for the fire; though only Sugar and Lesley had good excuses as they had not appeared until later that morning. However no-one really believed Nicola's fierce protestations that the fire had nothing to do with her – even though half her hair had been burnt away and she had second degree burns around both ankles cunningly disguised as insect bites.
Only one person did take notice of the comment about Mary Lou – a pity really, as that person was the one who, in a previous life, had been referred to as a homicidal maniac. For now that person was content to wait, secure in the knowledge that everyone would be there for another day and that she had plenty of time to organise a death.
Occasionally one of the group would wander along to the Disabled Toilet – not because they wanted to use the facilities – actually, scrap that, yes they did want to use the facilities but said facilities in the Disabled Toilet now included a twenty-one year old blond fireman – 6ft 2 inches tall and shaped like a Greek Adonis . Somehow he had become handcuffed to the shower and everyone kept going in to attempt to help him with his pole.
Unfortunately the fireman had been missed and a report to the local Police station had resulted in a young Police Officer appearing at Heron's Lodge to investigate. He was swiftly inducted into the joys of a hidden walk-in freezer. But was kept warm by frequent inspections of his truncheon.
(Lesley paused for a drink – alcoholic one)
During this time Catriona suddenly discovered her knives and decided that she just had to use them – it was just dawn's misfortune that she happened to be passing in her wheelchair. On seeing Catriona advancing upon her with three carving knives, a bread knife and a stanley knife between her teeth Dawn utilised her top secret adaptation and poured three Archers into the fuel box and the wheelchair suddenly shot off at thirty miles an hour with Catriona in hot pursuit.
As Dawn's jet-propelled wheelchair passed by the fire space it ignited some glowing embers and these caused the entire fire to start up again. The smoke reached Switzerland where Rosie saw it and nodded, remembering there was a Gather, and also got as far as Iceland. Unfortunately it caused the far larger volcano next to the one with the unpronounceable name to ignite and blow its top. The resultant plume of ash stopped all air travel within Europe for the next ten years.
Upon hearing of this disaster Kathy_S tried desperately to arrange a flight back to the States. When this proved to be impossible she then stole all of Katherine's bright orange cocktail and was later discovered performing biological experiments with the fireman whilst insisting that they didn't count as he was not human.
Happily, however, this did mean that the Gather lasted another ten years, leaving plenty of time for murder – but that's another story...
