The CBB :: View topic - Little Chalet School

#1: Little Chalet School Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:17 pm

Vicky Pollard sat in her English class, smoking.

A knock on the door disturbed Miss Ferrars who was leading the discussion on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. It opened to reveal a tall slim girl with long black hair wound into great shell-like plaits over her ears.

“Thank you, Con.” Miss Ferrars said when the Senior had delivered her message. “Vicky, Miss Annersley would like to see you in her study.”

Grumbling, Vicky heaved herself out of the chair in the back row and stalked forwards. She followed Con to the headmistress's study.

Without bothering to knock she barged in and sprawled in the chair opposite Miss Annersley. Miss Annersley looked up from the English work she was marking for the Sixth Form.

“Vicky, do you consider that appropraite school uniform?” she asked, regarding Vicky’s pink jacket and heavy gold chains.

“Yeah, but no, but yeah: I mean, I know we’re supposed to wear them blue dresses but Len – Len who’s going out with that doctor bloke and Con snogged him but that didn’t matter even though they’re sister an all - - not like their other sister who I think’s a lezzer but she says she ain’t she wants to be a nun – I mean who wants to be a nun anyway - - yeah well Len says you gotta wear them dressses but I don’t think they’re sexy though and nor does that doctor bloke though that girl – Len not ‘er sister - - doesn’t know that I know that and you mus’n’t tell her, but anyway it’s not that them dresses aren’t sexy it’s this fing wot you know nuffin about and you shouldn’t listen to them anyway cos Con’s cross eyed in both eyes. Don’t give me evils!”

Miss Annersley fixed the culprit with a glare so terrible that the most unrepentant Middle would shake in her shoes.

“Oh my God, you can’t look at me like that, that’s just rude and Sir never looked at me, though all he wanted to do was give us a shag, cos we were, like, going out and that’s why I was so good at history there and I’m not here cos who wants to shag that history woman unless she’s a lezzer which I ain’t so she can go do herself if she wants to. Durr!”

Miss Annersley continued to look at Vicky, who blew smoke rings lazily.

“Can you give me a reason why I should keep you here, Vicky?”

“Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but I don’t even want to be here so you can’t, like, make me and I’ll just go back home and me and that doctor guys – not Len’s bloke, the other one for the other sister that fetched here, well he wants to keep me here and I only did them things cos you said I ‘ad to, didn’t I? I mean, I wouldn’t go on them walks and stuff and when we went skiing I saw this girl land on her bum and she must have been well ‘urt cos that snow ain’t soft an’ all, yeah well the doctor who came then said I was much better and give me another winter here and I can do it French ways and German ways an’ all and Oh my God you can’t just look at me like that. Don’t give me evils!”

Miss Annersley’s face was like thunder.

“Your crimes against the English langauge alone are enough. I am sorry to have to do this because it means that we as a school have failed. You must remain in Isolation until I decide you punishment.” Miss Annersley rang the bell for Matron.

Vicky, having smoked the last of her cigarette, dropped it on the carpet and ground it in well.

Last edited by francesn on Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:49 pm; edited 2 times in total

#2: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:23 pm

Thanks Frances. For once perhaps Miss A will eb at a loss

#3: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:23 pm

You've got Vicky's voice just right - I could hear her saying it all!! Requests.... hmmm.... I'll have to have a think about that one!

#4: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:33 pm

Well you know my thoughts but i'll say it anyway - this is heeelarious!

#5: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:25 am

Inspired Frances!

#6: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 10:50 am

Genius! Just what's needed on a Monday morning!

#7: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:53 am

*Snickles muchly* Very, very funny Frances Very Happy

#8: Author: Robin, Location: London

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:58 am

*splutter* brilliant!!! Laughing

#9: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 12:54 pm

Isolation is usually overseen by Matron isn't it? Wonder if she'll fare any better. Liz

#10: Author: pygmy, Location: glasgow

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 1:44 pm

Absolutely hilarious. I love Little Britain and you've got Vicky spot on. Are we going to get more Little Britain characters infiltrating the Chalet School? The vomiting ladies at a Sale would be interesting.

#11: Author: Cath, Location: Coventry

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:52 pm

This is one cross-over I would never in my life have thought of! You've got Vicky just right. Laughing

#12: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 3:20 pm

Sheer brilliance Laughing

#13: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:18 pm

I've never seen Little Britain. Is there a website about it?

#14: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:41 pm

There're some clips and things here, Jennie. It is a truly excellent programme (if a little sick and wrong at times!) http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/littlebritain/

#15: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:57 pm

Here are the vomiting ladies -as requested they are at the Sale....I *hope* I've got them the right way round....

Judy and Maggie sipped their cups of coffee politely. Their hostess at the Chalet School sale, Joey Maynard, was giving them a guided tour.

“This is our annual Sale of Work,” she said. “The girls spend most of the year preparing for it. All the proceeds go to the Sanitorioum. Now, Miss Annersley tells me that you will be judging our cake contest later.”

“Yes,” Judy said, delicately. “We’re looking forward to it.”

“Excellent,” Joey said, enthusiastically. “Well we just have time for another cup of coffee.”

“That would be delightful,” Maggie said.

“Who makes this delectable coffee?” Judy asked.

“Karen, the school cook,” Joey said. “The Swiss are marvellous at making coffee but Austrian coffee is really something.”

Suddenly Judy thrust her coffee cup at Maggie and proceeded to vomit copiously.

“Oh dear!” Joey cried. “I do believe we need Matron here. Quickly somebody!”

Matron arrived promptly and escorted Judy to the San.

“Here,” she said, presenting the hapless woman with castor oil. “Drink this.”

“Oh, it’s quite unnecessary,” Judy demurred.

“Drink,” Matron said, “or I shall hold your nose like a Junior and pour it down your throat.”

Judy looked at Matron. The woman was a good foot shorter than her, but she was very wiry, and Judy had no fear that Matron would not hesitate to carry out her threat. Grimacing she tossed back the castor oil and made her way to the cake stall.

Last edited by francesn on Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

#16: Author: ali, Location: medway, kent

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:10 pm

I might even be able to get my husband to read this one. When little britains on I need ear plugs even though we're in different rooms! Laughing

#17: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 9:36 am

THis really is great!! What about Daffyd? ("I'm the only boy in the school!") Although on reflection, "I'm the only gay in the school" would be much funnier!!!

#18: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 9:39 am

Please can you work Lou and Andy in somehow! "Yeah, I know."

#19: Author: pygmy, Location: glasgow

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 10:54 am

Fantastic! Thank you so much for the vomiting ladies.

#20: Author: Robin, Location: London

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:53 am

the vomiting ladies actually make me want to be ill. definitely time for the only gay in the school or matron decides to put some of the girls on a diet and they can only eat dust...

#21: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 10:34 pm

Oh YES! Marjorie Dawes as Matron - that has to be seen! Please?

#22: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 10:54 pm

someone in I&C said Majorie Dawes at Nancy Wilmot so here it is....Majorie Dawes as matron? well no promises but I'll try!

Majorie Dawes regarded the members of Chalet School Fat Fighters sorrowfully.

“You’re all really fat, aren’t you ladies?” she said. “And what you’d like to do most in the world is lose some weight, isn’t that right?”

Heads around the circle nodded.

“Well,” she continued, “you’re going to have to stop eating those pastries and that cherry jam and all that whipped cream. Oooooh I just love whipped cream, don’t you? With hot chocolate and them hollow buns. Oooh whipped cream is lovely. And I bet you all eat far too much of it and that’s why you’re fat, isn’t that right?”

Again heads nodded.

A door opened and Nancy Wilmot slipped into the room. She had tried to be as unobtrusive as possible but at a buxom 6 foot tall that was difficult. Majorie seized on the opportunity delightedly.

“Hello there and welcome to Fat Fighters. What’s your name?”

“Nancy,” replied Miss Wilmot shyly.

“Nancy,” repeated Majorie. “Isn’t that unfortunate? Not a very nice name at all. Do you know what your parents were thinking?”

Nancy flushed red but held her tongue.

“Now there’s no need to be embarrassed here,” Majorie chided gently. “You’re all fat together.”

Several people shrank under her glare as she advanced into the middle of the circle muttering to herself.

“Oooooh look at those thighs,” she said, pointing at Hilda Jukes whose bottom lip was wobbling dangerously. “And my oh my, what happened to you?!”

Joey Maynard glared back at Majorie from her tiny black eyes hidden by rolls of fat. “I had eleven children,” she said sarcastically.

“Oh dear me, far too many cream cakes after the last one then. Though mind you, your Anna’s cakes are very tasty, those honey and nut things are gorgeous they are. That’s one of the first fat fighting lessons, tasty things are bad for you. If it’s tasteless it’s good for you, like Ryvita, that’s ‘orrible stuff, but it’s really good for you. Not like choklit. Ooooh I love a bit of choklit, but you fat people can’t even look at choklit.”

Nancy Wilmot boiled at this. “Surely,” she said politely, “the most effective way to lost weight is as part of a calorie counted diet.”

“Well if you can be fiddled with all them numbers,” Majorie said, “then it might work.”

“I’m a mathematics teacher,” Nancy replied.

“Ooooh well numbers aren’t the problem then, are they? Cos you’re still FAT. No the best way to lose weight is to follow the Fat Fighters ten-step plan…..”

Last edited by francesn on Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:53 pm; edited 1 time in total

#23: Author: Joan the Dwarf, Location: Er, where am I?

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:23 pm

Absolute genius. Nearly fell off my chair at "cross-eyed in both eyes". Please please please, Dafydd meets Tom with hilarious misunderstanding consequence... pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasseeeeeeeeee Laughing

#24: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:28 pm

hysterical! Thanks frances

#25: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:09 am

Wonderful!!! thankyou so much! Very Happy

#26: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 9:46 am

Thank you for Joey, Frances!!! (Am I allowed my first mini-gloat? Smile

)

#27: Author: pygmy, Location: glasgow

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 10:17 am

I love the description of Joey's "tiny black eyes hidden by rolls of fat" - and Marjorie's comment on Nancy's name. Hilarious.

#28: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 10:33 am

Brilliant Frances! Looking forward to more!

#29: Author: Robin, Location: London

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:20 pm

excellent! although I'm having to seriously adjust my mental image of Joey to picture her fat! Very Happy

#30: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:33 pm

*howls with laughter* It's a good job there's no one in the library to see me! The only thing missing is Tom Baker's voiceover!

#31: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:58 pm

*giggles hysterically* Maybe you should write little introductions to each episode that we can imagine in Tom Bakers voice, that'd be cool. *idly wonders if the Prime Minister will be making an appearance* Wonderful frances JackieJ

#32: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 9:58 pm

Tom Baker introduction I don't think I can do!! But I promise I will try....not this time though - if anyone else wants to take up the challenge of intros pm me! here's a little bit of Lou and Andy....

Lou and Andy were sitting on the little electric train, climbing up the mountain.

“Now there’s no need to be worried,” Andy said. “The train is quite safe.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lou said, staring fixedly out the window.

“The nice doctors at the special hospital are going to have a look at you, to see if you could do without your wheelchair. Then we can play in the snow.” Andy said, soothingly.

“Don’t like snow,” Lou said.

“Oh, well the last time it snowed you wanted the snow to stay forever. You said it was pretty,” Andy reasoned.

“Yeah, I know,” Lou said.

“Oh well, never mind,” Andy sighed. “Here, have a cake.” He offered Lou a selection of tempting cakes, bought at the little patisserie near the station.

“Want that one,” Lou sad, pointing blindly at a honey and nut confection.

“Are you sure? You didn’t like it yesterday,” Andy warned.

“Yeah, I know. Want that one.”

“Alright then.” Andy handed Lou the cake. Lou bit into it and promptly spat it out.

“Don’t like it. Want that one,” he said.

“Now now, you can’t have two cakes,” Andy chided.

“Want that one.” Lou poked a sticky finger into a hollow bun filled with whipped cream as the little train jerked to a stop.

Last edited by francesn on Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

#33: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 10:10 pm

you've really got them well fran. TY JackieJ

#34: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 10:58 pm

at Lou and Andy! Please may we have that huge naked woman (can't remember her name, sorry) trying to avoid paying for her treatment at the San? and chasing Jem Russell around like she chases that manager of the health farm? Very Happy

Edited to change 'can' to 'may' Embarassed

one day I will learn!

#35: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:05 pm

"Call me Bubbles dahling. Everybody does!" Now that would be hysterical!

#36: Author: Cath, Location: Coventry

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:57 pm

You've got it all captured perfectly! Thanks Frances!

#37: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 9:16 am

Lou and Andy make me laugh so much!

#38: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 1:12 pm

Great Frances, thank you so much!!! I hope you will do Daffyd too.

#39: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 10:14 pm

Dr James Russell sat at his desk with his head in his hands.The San was in trouble.Desperate trouble.Someone, somewhere wasn’t paying for their treatment. And he had just an inkling where she might be.

Rising from his chair, he flung the door open and set out to find her. He strode through the corridors of the San and onto a balcony overlooking the valley.

“Mrs DeVere?”

A naked vision lay before him on her hospital bed, taking in the fresh clean mountain air.

“You called, Doctor?” she said throatily, turning to lie on her side with an effort. Jem stared at the mountain of flesh before him.“Rather fine, aren’t I, Doctor?” she said.

“Mrs DeVere, you still have not paid for your last course of treatments,” Jem said wearily

.“Talk to my husband,” she said.

“Mrs DeVere…” Dr Jem started.

“Call me Bubbles, dahling, everyone does.”

“Mrs DeVere,” Dr Jem perservered, “123 456789 is not a valid telephone number.”

“Oh well, Doctor, we’ll have to sort out an alternative method of payment, won’t we?” She grabbed his tie, and pulled him closer to her face.

“Mrs DeVere,” Dr Jem said, wrenching himself free, “kindly inform your husband that unless your bill is paid we will be forced to evict you…..as you are.”

He turned on his heel and walked off. Bubbles heaved herself off her bed and waddled after him.

“Dr Russell!” she called. “DR RUSSELL!!!”

Jem kept walking as fast as he could to his study.

Bubbles waddled after him as fast as she could.

Reaching his study, Jem turned to shut the door but found Bubbles posing ‘alluringly’ in the doorframe.

“Oh Dr Russell,” she breathed heavily.She kicked the door shut and pushed Jem so he was sitting on his desk. She stood in front of him and grabbed his head, burying it in her ample chest.

Someone outside knocked on the door and the door slowly opened to reveal Rosalie Dene – or at least it would if Jem could have seen around Bubbles. All Rosalie could see was the naked back view and Jem’s legs waving madly.

She sighed, turned and went to seek Dr Gottfried Mensch.

Last edited by francesn on Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

#40: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 10:17 pm

but also :pale: Thanks Fran!

#41: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 11:40 pm

This is sooooooo funny Laughing

#42: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 12:58 pm

:laughing: ROFL

Utterly brilliant Frances, thankyou

#43: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 1:28 pm

Oh God that's a vision I want to forget!

#44: Author: jonty, Location: Exeter

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 1:36 pm

How about the scene in Hilda's study - look into my eyes, my eyes, don't look around the eyes... Laughing

#45: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:18 pm

I'll try and write that scene for you jonty......

Miss Annersley looked at the two…well she couldn’t really call them ladies….in front of her, wearing a bemused expression on her face.

“You see,” Emily, the one wearing a black wig and dressed in blue silk, was saying, “we are ladies. And we thought we should apply to a ladies school to teach young ladies ladies things!”

“Ladies things?” Miss Annersley said, utterly confused.

“Yaaas,” the other one said. This one sported a neat brown moustache, Miss Annersley discovered upon closer investigation. “Ladies things, like crochet and embroidery and cake decoration.”

“I see,” Miss Annersley said, although she did not see at all.

“We heard this was such a fine establishment for ladies,” Emily continued, “and being ladies ourselves, we decided to apply.”

“Yes,” Miss Annersley said, “although when we advertised the post of handicrafts mistress, you weren’t quite what we had in mind.”

She thought for a moment.

“Tell me,” she said, with a sudden flash of inspiration, “what sports do you play?”

Florence and Emily looked at each other and giggled girlishly.

“We enjoy bicycling along the sea-front,” Florence said.

“On our lady’s tandem,” Emily chipped in. “And Florence plays a jolly good game of tennis.”

“Emily is a dab hand at footy,” Florence continued.

Miss Annersley massaged her temples. The post of handicrafts mistress was an essential one, and these were the only applicants she had had.

“I suppose you’ll do,” she said. “Welcome to the Chalet School.”

The two ladies got up and left, sweeping beautifully elegant curtseys as they went. Miss Annersley wiped her brow with her handkerchief and picked up the telephone to inform Miss Wilson of the latest additions to the teaching staff.

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:10 am; edited 1 time in total

#46: Author: pygmy, Location: glasgow

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:33 pm

I'm sitting at my desk and getting curious looks from my colleagues because this has given me a fit of the giggles. It's the thought of Miss Annersley trying to explain the 'ladies' to Bill. Hilarious, Frances!

#47: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 4:49 pm

Would have loved to see Miss Annersley's face during that interview!

#48: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:45 pm

Please can we see them with the rest of the staff and the girls

#49: Author: jonty, Location: Exeter

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:00 pm

Brilliant, Frances. At the risk of lowering the tone, can we have Jack Maynard following Joey into a prefects' meeting and demanding bitty?

#50: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:44 pm

jackie - prepare to gloat....the one you beta-d is up next. jonty - this is for you...

Miss Annersley regarded the small girl in front of her sternly with piercing gray eyes that had never yet needed glasses.

“Karen Craig,” she began, “I hope you are able to explain this flagrant breach of rules.”

Karen stared back with solemn brown eyes. Then she took a deep breath and began- “Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes, you’re under.”

Miss Annersley stared at the Junior in front of her, hypnotised.

“Now Miss Annersely, when I click my fingers you will come round, you will believe I have made a full confession, I am a thoroughly penitent schoolgirl, I will never misuse can and may again.”

She stared at Miss Annersley in disbelief, then she shrugged. “Thanks Dad – nice trick to know.”

Karen settled herself into the comfortable chair and looked at the clock. She had fifteen minutes to kill, this being the usual length of time for a meeting with Miss Annersley of this nature. Rosalie Dene, opening the door a crack saw Miss Annersley staring at a small girl curled up in a chair and assumed that the sinner was being obstinate. She withdrew quietly.

Five minutes had passed uneventfully. Karen occupied herself with the confidential correspondence on the headmistress’ desk. Suddenly the egg timer she carried with her at all times went ‘ping’. She knew her fifteen minutes were up. Quickly she used the onion carried in the pocket of her summer frock to make herself cry, stood up and bowed her head.

“Three, two one….you’re back in the room.”

Miss Annersley woke with a start. “That will be all, dear,” she said.

“Thank you, Miss Annersley,” Karen sniffed. She made her way to the door of the study and bobbed a curtsey.

Miss Annersley sat back, pleased with her victory. The rules of grammar had triumphed once again.

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:12 am; edited 1 time in total

#51: Author: Kate, Location: Ireland

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:17 pm

Quote:

The rules of grammar had triumphed once again.

Classic!

Last edited by Kate on Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

#52: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:18 pm

*ROFL* Fantastic, Frances! Could you work Anne in somewhere ("ei-ei-eiiiiii") please?

#53: Author: Cath, Location: Coventry

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:41 pm

Thank you, Frances! And echoing Ann here - I'd love to see an Anne, she/he's my favourite! Very Happy

#54: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:29 am

That was great! Laughing

Agrees to all the Anne requests!

#55: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:04 am

francesn wrote:

Suddenly the egg timer she carried with her at all times went ‘ping’. She knew her fifteen minutes were up.

That's a very hard-boiled egg!! Wink

Thanks Frances, this is hilarious Liz

#56: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 2:02 pm

I'm giggling away in the middle of the office. This is inspired, Fran!

#57: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 8:30 pm

Frances, I'm shocked, I would never gloat. Okay, I suppose that the next bit is extremely shiny and I think that people will like it. Very Happy

*hides from Uto* That was good though, although I'd hate to think what Matey would do finding onion odour on Karen's uniform Rolling Eyes

JackieJ

#58: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:19 pm

Tom Gay kicked her car in disgust. It had evidently given up on her again. She looked at the sign by the road.

“Llandewi Brefi” “Mid-Wales?” she groaned. “Miles from anywhere.”

She sat down by the car, but the grass was wet and she dreaded catching a cold. Especially on the way back to school. Matron would prescribe hot baths and bed, and Tom had no great love of either.

“Nothing for it but to go and find a hotel somewhere,” she sighed, picking up her bags and heading for the village.

It was growing dark and she made for the nearest friendly lit building she could see which happened to be the local pub. Entering into the warmth she looked around for a friendly face. A smiling barmaid waved, and mouthed something which could have been “I’ll be with you in a minute,” or it might not. She finished her conversation with a tall, thin farmer who was paying for his beer and made her way over to Tom.

“And what can I get you?” she said, eyeing Tom appreciatively.

“Ummm…I need somewhere to stay tonight,” Tom stammered, at a complete loss for words.

“Well you’re welcome in my bed anytime,” the barmaid said.

Tom blushed a dark crimson. “Oh well I mean…I didn’t mean…Look here, do you have rooms free here?” Tom got out eventually.

“We do indeed. Just the one night, is it?”

Tom sighed in relief. “You’re a real gentleman!” she said, thankfully.

“Oh well I don’t know about that. Your name?” the barmaid asked.

“Tom….Tom Gay,” Tom said.

“Really?” the barmaid said with a funny twinkle in her eye. “I’m Myfanwy.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Tom politely. “Now how about a drink?”

Just then the door was flung open and a rather plump young man, dressed from head to toe in pink latex stalked in. He sat on a barstool delicately and beckoned to Myfanwy.

“My usual, please, Myfanwy,” he said, in an affected voice. Myfanwy raised her eyebrows and looked at Tom apologetically.

“What’re you looking at?” the man asked, affronted.

“Oooh Dafydd, this is Tom,” Myfanwy said mischeivously.

“Oh really?! Lovely to meet you,” Dafydd said.

“What did you say your name was?”

“Errr Tom,” Tom said, affably. “Tom Gay.”

Dafydd jumped up from his barstool and pointed dramatically to the door. Tom followed his pointing finger and swung round to stare at him in surprise.

“Look here, sit down. My name isn’t that unusual,” she said.

“Not that unusual!” Dafydd cried, in a piercing falsetto that rose to a hysterical squeak, not dissimilar an angry mouse. “Not that unusual!!!!”

Tom stared at him, complete and utter bewilderment etched on her features. Dafydd stamped his foot and stalked out, calling over his shoulder as he went - “I am the only GAY in the village.”

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:21 am; edited 1 time in total

#59: Author: Alice, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:41 pm

Very very funny Frances, thank you.

#60: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:05 pm

*falls off chair laughing* Brilliant Frances - that worked so well! Shame Gay Lambert didn't walk in at that moment...

#61: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:11 pm

Fabulous Frances! Just caught up on the last three - and they are all superb! Thankyou so much for Bubbles and Jem Russell. Very Happy

And spookily enough, while walking home from dropping the kids at school the other day, I suddenly had the idea of the 2 'ladies' Emily and Florence applying to teach at the CS! Came on to suggest it and lo and behold you'd already done it! Very Happy

Looking forward to more and more of this!

#62: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:17 pm

more is forthcoming with dafydd, ann!

#63: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:25 pm

francesn wrote:

more is forthcoming with dafydd, ann!

Yay!

*wonders if Frances is in fact Walliams or Lucas posting incognito*

#64: Author: Catriona, Location: South Yorkshire

Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:49 pm

Frances, I am absolutely loving this - it's so funny and is really cheering me up!

#65: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2005 3:07 pm

Poor Tom! Thanks Frances Liz

#66: Author: jonty, Location: Exeter

Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2005 4:48 pm

francesn wrote:

Miss Annersley regarded the small girl in front of her sternly with piercing gray eyes that had never yet needed glasses... Karen stared back with solemn brown eyes. Then she took a deep breath and began- “Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes, you’re under.”

This is wonderful, thanks Frances. I'd imagined it being Miss Annersley doing the look into my eyes thing, after all, it would explain those scenes in the study we never get to see, presumably EBD being under the spell. But I think your way's much funnier. Laughing

#67: Author: Guest,

Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 11:08 am

Any more of this, francesn? It's sooooooooooo funny!!!! If you're stuck for ideas maybe Joey as Dame Sally Markham?

#68: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:24 pm

Guest - this is for you (sorry I don't know who you are because it's a fab idea!) Much indebted to a couple of posts on Miss Di's Abbey Twins

Dame Josephine Maynard reclined on her chaise lounge in the Salon at Freudesheim, dicatating her newest school story.

“And after having tea with the school’s first pupil, she saw the error in her ways and repented. They all lived happily ever after. THE END”

She crunched on a lemon biscuit.

“How many pages is that, Anna?” she asked.

“Fifty-one,” her faithful maid replied, sitting at the typewriter.

“Oooh, not quite enough. Right, add on the end – After many peaceful terms, Jane was made a prefect and then became one of the most successful Head Girls the school had ever had. THE END. How about that?”

“Still not quite enough, meine Frau.”

“Never mind….what was that one called?”

“Jane of St Hilda’s.”

"Hmmm, where did we get to with Mary of St. Catherine's....?"

Anna sighed. "Mary is on a school skiing trip."

"Good," Joey said "Take this down....

'Peggy looked at the top of the mountain in wonder, then she heard a distant rumbling.
'Miss Ellis,' she cried. 'Can you hear that?'
Miss Ellis turned around swiftly. '
Quickly, girls', she said. 'Make for that hut.'
The girls headed for the hut, Mary lagging behind. Peggy stayed to help her. The snow was gathering speed now, and Peggy wondered whether they would reach the hut in time.
'Hurry, Mary,' she urged.
'I can't,' Mary whimpered. 'It's too far.'
Peggy hauled Mary over the last few yards, falling inside the hut. They could hear the snow rushing over them. Eventually all went quiet. Miss Ellis tried to open the door. It was stuck. She turned to the girls, a grave expression on her face.
'We're trapped,' she said."

Joey licked her fingers. "Which Chapter was that?"

Anna looked briefly at the pile of pages beside her.

"Chapter Three, and Mary has already been kiddnapped by madmen and dragged into the bowels of the earth, fallen down a crevasse, fallen off a cliff, had a cliff collapse under her and survived a serious illness. She has also been called up in front of a prefects meeting and punished in an inovative fashion, nearly killed a classmate and discovered a secret respect for two mistresses and five prefects."

"Oh," Joey said. “Well never mind, let’s start a new one – Anne of St Mary’s. Ready?”

Anna nodded.

“ Anne stared at her guardian in disbelief. ‘Go away to school?’ she said. ‘What an excellent idea.’ THE END. How about that?”

Joey sighed as she reached for another biscuit – being an award winning girls author was such hard work.

Last edited by francesn on Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

#69: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:33 pm

Hehe! I can just picture the scene! Very Happy

#70: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 8:35 am

Hehe wonderful!!! Laughing

Thanks Fran

#71: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:28 pm

Love the stories! Thanks Frances Liz

#72: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 4:34 pm

That is a brilliant character for Joey!!!!! Laughing

#73: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 1:20 am

That was absolutely fantastic, Frances! :worthy:

#74: Author: Joan the Dwarf, Location: Er, where am I?

Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 1:27 pm

This is so, so good!! Laughing

:worthy:

#75: Author: Guest,

Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 11:42 pm

Thank you for writing that, francesn I am in awe! This is great! Where can I find the bowing-down smiley? This seems like it would be a very good place to use it

#76: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 11:34 pm

click on view more emoticons, Guest - it should give you the full range ann - more of dafydd

Gay Lambert walked unsteadily up the main street in Llandewi Brefi, whistling. She was visiting a friend from music college who had become a recluse and devoted herself to composition. On this particular occasion Gay had gotten fed up with dodging pens, manuscript books, hairslides and ornaments – generally whatever came to hand, and was consequently heading for the pub. Gay had developed various bad habits in her years at music college – the least harmful of which was poking people who didn’t agree with her with her bow of her beloved cello – and making for the nearest pub at the merest sign of trouble was one of these. Another was drinking Lambertinis (a particularly noxious cocktail comprising of a shot of everything kept behind the bar: alcoholic, non-alcoholic and caffeine enriched).

She had already visited the off-licence, aka the local shops, and was amused to find a copy of her very own newspaper – Gay Times. She had also purchased a large bottle of whiskey and consumed more than half. In her drunk and slightly befuddled state she weaved her way towards the pub. Intimately acquainted with the landlady, Myfanwy, who was exceptionally good at concocting Lambertinies, Gay found the pub a haven.

Reaching for the door she was knocked back a few metres by an upset looking young man, dressed in pink latex. Not for nothing had Gay Lambert been a Prefect at the Chalet School.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. At least, that may have been what she meant to ask but it came out something like “Washed thong?”.

“Well, yes I have, as a matter of fact,” the man said, surprised. “And what business is it of yours?”

“Well you looked a bit upshet,” Gay slurred. “An’ I wondered what…what….the masher was.”

“Ohhhh,” said Dafydd, dramatically. “It’s a terrible tale.”

“Here,” Gay said. “Ssssyit down.” She promptly sat down where she was, giggling. Dafydd made his way to a bench and sat down in an exaggeratedly careful manner.

“I don’t see what you have to laugh about,” he said.

“You shound sho camp.” Gay explained.

“Camp?” Dafydd said. “Me?!”

“Yesh,” Gay said, thinking this was a very good game. “You.”

“Well, I,” Dafydd said, “Am the only gay in the village. At least, I was.”

“I thought I was the only Gay,” Gay exclaimed.

“You are a gay too?” Dafydd, cried. “Oh this is too much. First that awful female in there and now you?”

“Yesh,” Gay slurred, bemused.

“Oh this is TOO much,” Dafydd said, “I bid you good day.”

“Going ?” Gay asked. “But we were geshing on sho well!”

“Alas,” Dafydd said, “I must find a new village. I am no longer the only GAY in Llandewi Brefi.”

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:00 am; edited 1 time in total

#77: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Feb 14, 2005 11:49 am

Thanks Frances - love the Lambertinis!Liz

#78: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Feb 14, 2005 9:58 pm

“We encourage an informal setting,” Jack Maynard said, staring across the desk at the neat looking inspector. “Our residents, we prefer the term to patients, take a full and active part in life here.”

The inspector made a squiggle on the form attached to his clipboard. Jack restrained himself from craning his neck to see.

“And here is one of our most active residents now,” Jack said, delightedly. “Mary-Lou is bring us Kaffee und Kuchen.”

“How nice,” the inspector said, with an air of forced joviality.

He regarded the tall, slim girl, who’s sunkissed brow hair clustered over her head in neat curls. Her limpid blue eyes looked at him inquisitively and the firm chin was tilted upwards. She waved at the tray.

“Eh eh ehhhhhhhh?” she asked.

“Mary-Lou is asking whether you would like some coffee, inspector?” Jack translated.

“Er, yes,” the inspector said, hesitantly. “That would be very nice, Mary-Lou.”

“Eh ehhhh?” Mary-Lou inquired.

“And perhaps a bread twist?” Jack interpreted.

The inspector nodded, regarding the basket of bread doubtfully.

“Eh eh,” Mary-Lou said, picking up the coffee pot. The inspector shuffled backwards a little. Mary-Lou advanced on him in a business-like fashion.

“In the cup, Mary-Lou,” Jack reminded gently.

“Eh eh ehhhhhhhhhhhh,” Mary-Lou said, obviously berating herself for forgetting such an important detail as a cup. The inspector sighed in relief. Moments later he was presented with a cup of milky coffee and a bread twist, and Mary-Lou had left the room.

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:01 am; edited 1 time in total

#79: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Mon Feb 14, 2005 10:09 pm

Great posts Francesn!

#80: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 9:41 am

That really brightened up my morning! Thanks Fran.

#81: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 10:49 am

francesn wrote:

“ “Eh eh,” Mary-Lou said, picking up the coffee pot. The inspector shuffled backwards a little. Mary-Lou advanced on him in a business-like fashion. “In the cup, Mary-Lou,” Jack reminded gently. “Eh eh ehhhhhhhhhhhh,” Mary-Lou said, obviously berating herself for forgetting such an important detail as a cup. The inspector sighed in relief.

Thanks Frances! I'll never see Mary-Lou in the same light again! Liz

#82: Author: jonty, Location: Exeter

Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 5:45 pm

francesn wrote:

“Eh eh ehhhhhhhhhhhh,” Mary-Lou said, obviously berating herself for forgetting such an important detail as a cup. The inspector sighed in relief.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, this had me collapsing in fits, what an image of the capable articulate MaryLou. Thanks Frances.

#83: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 6:45 pm

Dr Jack Maynard was showing the inspector around the outside of the Sanitorium. As they strolled along, the inspector commented on the excellent quality of the air around the Platz.

“Yes,” Dr Jack agreed. “It’s one of the reasons the Sanitorium and the school are located here.”

“School?” the inspector inquired, curiously.

“Oh, yes,” Dr Jack said. “The Chalet School, really quite well-known now. My wife was its first pupil.”

“Ah,” the inspector said, in a non-committal fashion, nodding his head.

“Oh, look,” Dr Jack said, “Mary-Lou is talking to some of the Prefects.”

“Do the girls have a problem, um, communicating with her?” the inspector asked, gingerly.

“Oh, no, not at all,” Dr Jack said. “In fact, Mary-Lou’s case is most interesting. She can relate to her peers and the younger girls normally, but has problems in making herself understood to adults. Her former headmistress, Miss Annersley, and I believe that it has something to do with the death of her mother.”

“I see,” the inspector said, ticking the box marked “second rate amateur psychologist” on his form.

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:05 am; edited 1 time in total

#84: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 9:05 pm

Hehe! Loved that one! Laughing

#85: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 9:18 pm

Brilliant, Frances! Laughing

#86: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 9:23 pm

Thanks Frances - I've just caught up with this and the last three posts have had me laughing out loud!

#87: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:34 pm

Sorry if Florence has a real surname – I couldn’t find one so I made one up

Miss Annersley looked down the long table in the staff room. All the staff were present, including the two new handicrafts mistresses. Kathie Ferrars and Nancy Wilmot seemed to have taken Emily Howard under their wing and Nell Wilson was engaged in a deep conversation with Florence.

“Ladies,” she said, “may I just introduce our two newest members of staff? They come to take over the post of handicrafts mistresses…”

“After all, we are LADIES,” Emily interrupted. “And it’s only fitting that we should teach young ladies at a ladies establishment how to do ladies things!”

Sharlie Andrews smothered a giggle and Ruth Derwent nearly choked on her laughter. Little Mdlle de Lachenais looked confused.

“But, cherie, I thought it was a gentleman,” she whispered to Frau Mieders who sat beside her.

“I also,” the domestic science mistress whispered back. “I do not know what to make of them.”

“Well,” Mdlle replied, “they are not in my department.”

Miss Annersley frowned at the mistresses and continued. “Miss Howard informs me that..um…she….is responsible for crochet and embroidery, and Miss James will undertake modelling, woodwork and jewellry. They also propose to instigate optional etiquette classes.”

Miss Andrews, unable to control herself, dived out of the room. Miss Derwent soon followed with a muffled apology that could have been interpreted as concern for her colleague. The two new mistresses looked affronted and rustled their dresses.

“My dear madam, this is precisely why we need etiquette classes if that is the example your staff are setting,” Emily said. Miss Annersley quelled her with a look.

“Miss Howard also informs me that she plans to take the girl on cultural trips, especially to the ballet and to English Tea Rooms….”

Some imp of mischief caused Kathie Ferrars to ask a question.

“Ladies,” she said, as they preened at being thus addressed, “might it possibly be beneficial to take the girls to one of the excellent operas locally?”

“Opera?” cried Florence.

“Oh, how vulgar!” cried Emily, and promptly slid to the floor in a dead faint. Florence heaved herself awkwardly from her chair and bustled over to her prone friend. She produced a small phial of smelling salts, but Matron beat her to it.

“Miss Howard,” she said sharply, “wake up.”

Emily’s eyes flew open upon hearing Matron’s firm tones.

“I think I should perhaps lie down,” she said weakly. “The mention of such a vulgar past-time as opera has quite upset me.”

“There is nothing wrong with you, Miss Howard,” Matron said. “However, perhaps a dose of something would do no harm.”

Emily bounded to her feet in a most unladylike manner and sat in her chair.

“Pray continue,” she said. “There is no cause for alarm, I am quite recovered from my swoon.”

This finished off Kathie and Nancy who left the room in quick succession. Even Miss Annersley was having trouble maintaining a straight face and she suggested a coffee break.

“Ohhhh tea for us ladies,” Emily said bossily.

“Or tea,” Miss Annersley sighed. She could see this term would be a trying one.

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:08 am; edited 1 time in total

#88: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:04 am

Hehehehehe! I can't wait to see them with the girls! *subtle hint*

#89: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 9:24 am

Oh yes lets see the girls reaction to them! Very Happy

#90: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2005 9:58 pm

*Echoes Ann and Pim* What will the girls make of them?!

#91: Author: jonty, Location: Exeter

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 3:19 pm

francesn wrote:

“After all, we are LADIES,” Emily interrupted. “And it’s only fitting that we should teach young ladies at a ladies establishment how to do ladies things!”

Spot on, thanks Frances.

#92: Author: Kateth, Location: Heidelberg

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:21 pm

These have had me howling with laughter - I had to go and get Little Britain out of the video shop after reading the first few, as I'd never seen it before... And now I'm laughing even more! Thank you! Very Happy

#93: Author: Stella, Location: Dublin, Ireland

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 11:19 pm

Oh, this is wonderful! And I'd love to see is Vicky Pollard encountering the infamous fringed-dress-wearing, chips-with-Vic-eating Joan Baker.

#94: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:18 am

Very funny, I just wish I had seen more than the odd bits of Little Britain. I've heard a lot about it, but that's not quite the same. I can see that I'm going to have to invest in a DVD. (This also explains why one person was walking around saying he was the only gay in the warehouse - I thought he was telling the truth at first) Embarassed

#95: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2005 9:45 pm

Emily Howard entered the classroom dramatically.

Sundry members of Inter V engaged in less than legitimate pursuits hastily hid them away and sat, primly, at their desks.

Shaking out her skirts, Emily sat down and smiled at the class.

Jack Lambert was moved to mutter to her neighbour, Ailie Russell, that the new teacher looked a bit fierce, although that may simply have been the effect of the cosmetics Emily applied liberally.

“Now, ladies,” she began in her over-cultured voice, “we will begin our studies of etiquette and ladies things. Today I plan to instruct you in the proper etiquette employed in tea-rooms of British seaside resorts and we may begin the art of crochet.”

By this time, many of the continental girls in the form were deeply engrossed, and most had their jotters out ready to take notes, having never visited the tea-rooms of British seaside resorts. Jack and Ailie, with distinct memories of a holiday to Brighton were hard put to stifle their giggles.

Last edited by francesn on Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:09 am; edited 1 time in total

#96: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2005 10:28 pm

Can just picture the scene! Laughing

#97: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 12:57 pm

Can't see Jack enjoying learning to crochet at all! Do we get to see more of the lesson Frances? Liz

#98: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 1:17 pm

Brilliant!

#99: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 4:59 pm

Coincidently, this is now showing in Canada (the first 'episode' was last night, but I missed it) and had a write up in the week's TV guide thingy. Now I know what the heck you guys are talking about!

#100: Author: Liane, Location: Manchester

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 9:53 pm

So funny! I'm not sure if you're still taking suggestions but i have only just found this. How about the scene with the 2 second break time or a record breaking attempt for the end?

#101: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 10:27 pm

Ooh, yes, maybe an exchange visit to Kelsey Grammar School?

#102: Author: Liane, Location: Manchester

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 10:39 pm

Oh. That's the school I meant. Thanks Anne it was annoying me.

#103: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:17 am

definitely still taking suggestions.....

*ponders kelsey grammar school*

#104: Author: Liane, Location: Manchester

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 7:07 pm

Or maybe the scottish hotel owner could make an appearance he is very funny!

#105: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:03 pm

Inter V looked up expectantly as Miss Annersley opened the door. Standing in perfect unison only the front row could see the portly and rather shabby gentleman she ushered through the door.

Miss Annersely smiled at the girls.

"Please sit down," she said in her low-pitched voice which nevertheless reached every corner of the room. Turning to her visitor she proceeded to explain. "This form is the Intermediate Fifth. We consider them too advanced for the work of the Fourth forms but either too young or lacking in groundwork for the work of the senior forms. "

"I see," the gentleman said, staring suspiciously at the mixture of girls looking at him with wide eyes.

"Their form mistress is usually Miss Ferrars, who I understand is taking your place at Kelsey Grammar School this term. Now I must be getting along - Len Maynard!"

Len, a tall, slim girl with wide grey eyes and a tail of chestnut curls tumbling down her back stood up.

"Yes, Miss Annersley?" she said, sweetly.

"As form prefect please assist our visitor in any way you are able. I understand that his school is very different to ours and it may be...difficult...to adjust." Miss Annersley turned and left the room, leaving the visitor standing on the dais smirking.

#106: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:24 pm

The first lesson after Prayers was geography, usually taught by Miss Ferrars. Her replacement had assured the Heads that he was more than capable of taking on the role and had instructed the girls to take out their textbooks.

"Begin, please, at Page 53. You - girl - read," he demanded, pointing at Rosamund Lilley.

Obediently Rosamund bent her head and began to read out loud. At the end of the first paragraph she paused.

"Continue," she was told, and so she carried on.

Midway through the third sentance of the fifth paragraph, and coming close to losing her voice the teacher looked down the register and alighted on Ememerence Hope.

"Hope, read," he said. The girls looked around, confused. There was no Hope in Inter V.

Suddenly Len Maynard understood. "Please, sir," she said, rising to her feet. "We don't use surnames."

"Silence," Mr Cleeves said. "Hope, continue."

Shrugging, Emerence picked up where Rosamund had left off.

"Fry," Mr Cleeves said, a while later, with complete disregard for the structure of the sentance.

"Baker, join Fry."

Exchanging looks the girls obeyed.

"Mercier and Grantley."

Patiently the girls continued.

"Maynard....Maynard.......and....Maynard."

Sighing, the triplets picked up their books and began to read.

#107: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:57 pm

Thanks Frances

Liz

#108: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 10:23 pm

francesn wrote:

"Maynard....Maynard.......and....Maynard."

Thanks Frances, that was brilliant!

#109: Author: spherissa,

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:16 am

i've never seen Little Britain (now I want to of course)

this had me just about falling off my chair in fits of laughter though

Rissa

#110: Author: Liane, Location: Manchester

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:57 am

Fantastic thanks!

#111: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 7:23 am

Brilliant Fran, thank you Laughing

The CBB -> St Clare's House

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