The CBB :: View topic - Bettany, Bunter and Auntie Madge's cake

#1: Bettany, Bunter and Auntie Madge's cake Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 9:52 am

Billy Bunter shot into the Remove Common Room as if all the Hounds of Hell were on his tail. At this iruption, three of the famous five present: Harry Wharton, Johnny Bull and Bob Cherry, looked up.

"I say old man, what's the matter?" said Johnny

"Lines? Latin? the Head?" Bob Cherry joined in.

Harry's eagle eye spotted a significant amount of crumbs spattering the fat owl's blazer. Bob Cherry noticed it too.

"hallo, hallo, hallo! Whose study have you been in this time? and after Quelch gave you a walloping the last time!"

"I ain't been anywhere near Bettany's study, I never knew he had a cake from his Auntie. I didn't see him and Russell and Bettany Minor take it up to his study! I mean, that is to say..."

"You gruesome villain!" spluttered Harry

"You're going to catch it hot" said Johnny Bull grimly

"You've had it chum" finished Bob.

Suddenly a wild stampede was heard, not dissimilar in sound from a herd of wild buffalo. Bunter dived under the table, quaking in terror.

Suddenly the door was kicked open and three avenging demons were burst into the room. David Russell, Rix Bettany and Jackie Bettany were well and truly out for blood.

If their respective sisters had seen them, they could have told the quivering Bunter, their brothers meant business. Indeed, Sybil would have said she had not seen David look so enraged since she had punctured his football in a moment of spite when she was five. Peggy, who could usually talk Rix out of any rash action would have realised that on this occasion Rix and Jackie wouldn't even listen to the King!

All three boys circled the table like sharks waiting for supper.

"Come out from under there!" ordered Rix.

"Get out coward!" screamed Jackie.

"No! Not until you promise not to hurt me Bettany! I never touched your cake!"

Harry Wharton as Captain of the Remove tried to intervene here. "Now see here chaps, you can't just barge in..."

David firmly pushed the Captain away, speechless. David and Rix lifted the table away and were about to fall on Bunter, when the Fat Owl of the Remove ran for his life, knocking young Jackie over as he went.

David and his cousin hauled Jackie to his feet.

"After him!" bellowed Rix, and the trio shot out.

To be continued!

#2: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:13 am

Great

#3: Author: Elle,

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:53 am

ROFL

#4: Second Part! Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:54 am

Part Two

To fully appreciate the wrath of the Bettany brothers and their cousin David, we must first go back in time to the discovery of the missing cake.

It was the last day of the first half of term and a vigorous rugby practice had been arranged by Morgan, the sadistic Captain of Rugby to make up for the school’s pathetic performance against minnows St Oswald’s where they had been thrashed 32 to 3.

The exhausted Rix and David limped off the field to be joined by Jackie, fresh from an equally exhausting cross country run through fields deep in cow pats and cow’s urine. All in a boy’s school life! Small wonder then that all three boys were in a foul mood.

There was however light at the end of the tunnel. It was half term in a few hours and Dick Bettany and his wife Molly were arriving to collect their sons, along with Auntie Madge and Uncle Jem collecting David. It was rumoured Uncle Jack and Auntie Jo would also be bringing Sybil, Peggy, and Bride along with Maurice and Maeve to greet the boys.

The plan had been to celebrate this homecoming with Auntie Madge’s cake. A secret Bettany recipe handed down from Colonel Bettany’s mother to her eldest grandaughter. Madge had tried to instruct Joey in cooking this recipe, but had only met with limited success. Daisy however, could make this cake to Madge’s standard, making Joey green with envy.

It was unfortunate that the boys plan had been overheard by one Billy Bunter - the terror of the tuck boxes and purloiner of pies. Bunter had taken advantage of Rix’s absence to search the study for cake and on finding it, scuttled away with his booty with a joyful, “Yah!”

“Time to tuck in!” said David as he opened the study door. “Mum’s cake arrived just on the right day!”

“Agreed! Impeccable timing! Can’t think why Auntie Jo has such trouble baking cakes.” replied Rix.

“She’s always dreaming up new stories old boy. Can’t keep her mind on one thing, dear Auntie Jo. You know I think little Con is going to be like her”.

“They all are Davie. I haven’t forgot that little minx Margot filling my boots with water…where’s the cake?” queried Rix.

“In your cupboard, I saw you put it in there. You’re not going bonkers just because your Mum and Dad are coming home?”

“No I’m not idiot! Have you hidden it? That’s the sort of thing Sybil would do!”

David fired up at this, “I did not! Don’t be a fool! I’m not Sybil, and I’ll thank you to leave her out of this! She’s a much better person now and she’s making a real effort, so just you leave her alone!”

“Allright! I’m sorry, and I’m sorry I said that about Sybs, she is much nicer now. Where’s Jackie?”

As if in reply, Jackie burst in, his eyes blazing with fury and his voice trembling with emotion. “The cake…” He choked. “Harris told me… He saw Bunter scoffing our cake! When I was on cross country and you were at rugger practice!”

Rix’s face grew black and David wore a stormy expression. “Bunter” hissed Rix.

Billy Bunter was a byword for food theft and caddishness in the school. Why it was even rumoured he had stolen some milk left out for the Headmaster’s cat in order to swallow down a piece of (stolen) homemade cherry pie! This was too much! The Bettany cake, handed down for three generations had smelt so fresh and reminded the boys of home. It was more than a cake, it was a homecoming cake. Rix had not seen his parents since he was six and living in the Tirol. Recently he had seen Peggy grow melancholy for their parents. Jackie and Bride could barely remember their parents, David only had vague memories of his Uncle Dick and Auntie Mollie and with the war, Peggy had secretly worried whether she would see her parents again. All this went to Rix’s heart and the cake was a symbol that everything would be allright. Now it was gone! Gone the way of Lewis’s cherry pie, Hopper’s Christmas Pudding, Fern’s marmalade and Harris’s lemon sherbets! Was there no end to Bunter’s villainy?

David knew what this meant to his cousins. “Let’s get him” he growled.

It was at this point they caught up with Bunter in the Remove Common Room.

#5: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:01 pm

Thanks, Phil. This is really interesting to read so far. I look forward to when you post some more.

#6: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:11 pm

Hope Billy gets what he deserves!

Thanks Phil Laughing

Liz

#7: Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:23 pm

Hehe - this looks fun. I like stories about the boys - they get sorely neglected ( although this is fairly understandable, given the genre EBD was writing within Laughing

) Hope Billy gets what's coming to him!

Loving the idea of 'Bettany minor', by the way. Wonder what Maurice would get called?

#8: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:27 pm

This looks good, I'm hoping for more.

Perhaps Maurice would be called Bettany Minimus?

#9: Part three's here Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:05 pm

Part Three

Rix, David and Jackie pursued the villain across the quad shouting threats of blue murder.

“You fat villain!” “Where’s that cake?” “When I get hold of you!” “Knave! Cad!” “I’ll make you wish you’d never been born!”

They cornered him in the Form Three classroom. “Oh Lor’! I say you fellows, leave a chap alone!”

“Where’s that cake?” roared Rix

“I never had it! Never ate it I mean, I only had some of Johnson’s lemonade! Not that I stole Johnson’s lemonade! Just to swallow the cake down, you can always ask your Auntie for another! I’ll pay you back, soon as I get my postal order!” blathered Bunter.

“You’ve eaten it!” shrieked Jackie. The three vengeful boys then laid into Bunter to mete out cruel rough justice.

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Leggo! Ow! Yaroo! You Beasts!” wailed the unfortunate Bunter.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF THUNDER IS GOING ON HERE!” thus Samuel Quelch MA (Oxon) strode into the room eyeing the unhappy boys with displeasure. “BETTANY MAJOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BOY OF MY FORM? KINDLY DESIST SIR, FROM STRANGLING HIM!”

Mr Quelch, once roused, had a voice like a foghorn, and he meant to have some answers!

“Bunter cease that dreadful caterwauling! AT ONCE! Russell! You can usually be relied upon to give a balanced account of events. What is the meaning of this disgraceful exhibition!?”

David went into “barrister mode” his late grandfather Russell, also a barrister, would have been proud of this spirited defence of his cousins. Another late barrister, Henry Cochrane KC, father to “Auntie Grizel” would also have been impressed. Not for nothing did David head the school debating society.

“So you see sir, the cake was more than just food, my cousins and I were not merely moved by gluttony as certain other people were (David glared at Bunter, who promptly called him a “Beast”) we were celebrating a homecoming, we were to share the cake with friends and family. My cousins have not seen their parents for years, and for one worrying moment we thought what if India were invaded during the war and my cousin’s parents killed? We are so relieved that they weren’t. We just want them home. I’m sure my cousins and I wish to apologise for our inexcusable conduct and to take any sanction you impose as you see fit.”

Quelch listened in astonishment. “Have you anything to say Bunter? Anything at all? No? Last time I gave you four for purloining comestibles from other boys’ studies. Go to my room. I shall give you six Bunter!”

“As for you Bettany. Were it not for half term, I would give you, your brother and your cousin six each for your disgusting behaviour! You were like savages! Instead, you will report yourselves to your Headmaster, who is currently greeting your parents and relatives in his study. Now go! Before I change my mind about that caning!”

With that, Quelch dragged his victim to his study

#10: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:25 pm

Ooh, what will happen now?

#11: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:52 pm

Thanks, Phil. I hope the boys won't get into too much trouble.

#12: Completed! Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:58 pm

Part Four

Madge Russell sat proudly next to her brother on the sofa in the Headmaster’s study. How had Dick managed not to put on any weight all those years he was in India? She wondered. Her thoughts were interrupted by her sister Joey.

“I say Madge, it’s taking an awfully long time to find the boys. I should have thought they would have chained themselves to the gates in order to catch a glimpse of Dick and Mollie or posted lookouts in the trees.” Joey grinned at her sister in law.

Madge and Mollie laughed, as did Dr Locke the Headmaster.

“Yes, perhaps I had better find them” was Dr Locke’s solution. “If the Ladies will excuse me? Please help yourselves to more tea and biscuits”. With this, Dr Locke departed.

On his way, he met Mr Quelch and an aching prisoner.

“Ah, Quelch! Did you find Russell and the two Bettanys?”

“Indeed I did Headmaster, indeed I did.” was Mr Quelch’s reply, and with it came a graphic account of how Bunter had offended the dignity of the Bettanys through theft of comestibles, the behaviour of the Bettanys and Russell and the news that they had been swiftly despatched to the Head’s study.

Dr. Locke stared at Bunter through his spectacles. “I see. I think Mr Quelch, this boy ought to make a full apology to the Bettany’s parents and their Aunts who are at present in my study. Bring this miscreant!”

Meanwhile, Rix David and Jackie had arrived at the Head’s study, knocked on the door, and entered on hearing Auntie Jo do her impersonation of Auntie Hilda with a brisk “Herein!” An emotional reunion had followed, with Mollie rushing to her boys and asking endless questions of their health. Joey noticed something about the three boys as they had entered and said, straight to the point, “Is everything allright?”. Silence. “Something’s gone wrong hasn’t it?”

Jackie could contain himself no longer and tears fell, nearly setting his mother off. In a voice choked with emotion, Rix explained the cake had been stolen, and quoting David, launched into an explanation of what the cake symbolised. As he laid his emotion before his assembled parents, Aunts and Uncles, David chipped in, “It’s my fault too Dad, I should have stopped them, but I felt so mad about it, I just ran off with them.”

Before the astonished adults could reply, a grim faced Dr Locke strode in followed by Mr Quelch and a quivering Billy Bunter.

“Oh Lor!” was the Fat Owl’s reaction to the assembled Bettany / Russell / Maynard clan. The appearance of his Headmaster shook Rix to normality and he approached the Headmaster saying,

“Sir, Mr Quelch sent us to report to you for disorderly conduct…”

“I know.” snapped Dr Locke. “Mr Quelch has told me about your behaviour. Whilst I am seriously displeased with all three of you, I shall leave this to your parents to sort out. I understand though you were provoked into this, and I have brought this boy here to make a public apology to your relatives.

Bunter turned to the assembled adults, he really didn’t like the way the tall lady with that mop of straight black hair was looking at him, and there was fire in the eyes of the woman clutching Bettany Minor. He desperately wanted to say “Shan’t” and run, but decided that would only lead to a flogging.
“I am truly sorry I stole and ate Bettany’s cake. I see I have caused them a great deal of distress and I wish to apologise.” That tall lady was still looking at him as if she wanted to roast him on a spit!

Madge looked at her eldest nephew. The ball was in Rix’s court. All eyes turned to Rix. Rix knew what he had to say. Aggrieved as he was, he had to show his masters and more especially his parents and uncles and aunts that he could apologise in a mature fashion, with consideration of others and appreciate his own wrongdoings even under provocation. He had to show Auntie Madge and Uncle Jem that they had brought him up properly and that Mother and Father did have a fine son.

“My brother, my cousin and I accept your apology. We would also like to apologise for attacking you. We should not have reacted the way we did, and we had no wish to disturb your afternoon Headmaster or yours, Mr Quelch sir, in this way. We should like to apologise and draw a line under the incident now and move on. This was no way to be greeting Mother and Father after so long.”

Anxiously Rix looked at his Uncle Jack, Auntie Joey, Uncle Jem and Auntie Madge and finally at his Mother and Father. He was relieved to see no coldness or harsh thoughts of retribution. “Well said old man” said his Father quietly.

Dr Locke finished the proceedings by saying, “I am pleased with your apology Bettany, and it is gratefully accepted. I am sure Bunter will be relieved to hear you forgive him? (Bunter nodded vigorously), that being the case, I think we can rescind any corporal punsihment for Bunter. I am satisfied with these apologies. Don’t you think Mr Quelch?”

Samuel Quelch nodded, his anger abated for now. Dr Locke turned to Rix, David and Jackie. “And now young sirs, I suggest you go home, your sisters are waiting for you in the school drive!”

Thanking the Headmaster and wishing him and Mr Quelch a good holiday, the boys departed with their parents, Joey and Jack. Bunter fled, he had escaped retribution this time!

Part Five

Sybil gave a squeal of delight as she spied her parents with David. “Bride! Peggy! They’re here!” Peggy and Bride had been trying to persuade their small sister Maeve to get down from a tall grand cedar tree (the one from which David had fallen and broken his collarbone). Quiet Maurice had been on the verge of joining his twin sister when Sybil had squealed. Maeve quickly leapt down, to Peggy’s disapproving eye. She grinned cheekily at her elder sisters and ran to her parents.

“Maurice, Maeve, come and meet your brothers Rix and Jackie” Molly introduced her sons to the second twins, overjoyed at the completion of her family.

“Mummy, why were you so long? We couldn’t stop Maeve climbing that cedar over there, she was so bored.” asked Bride.

“Ah well, I had best let Rix and Jackie tell you all about it!” was Molly’s reply, a twinkle in her eye.

Resplendent in the drawing room at the Round House, Rix, David and Jackie held their audience of sisters and cousins spellbound. Maurice and Maeve looked at their brothers with growing admiration. Despite the cautionary tales of fighting is wrong, the idea of fighting for the family honour trapped them like flies in honey. Rix, David and Jackie had admiring devotees for life from that moment on.

At length, Peggy and Bride went out of the room to bring in the tea and cake. Peggy took a piece to her twin, “Guess what this is?” she smiled sweetly. Rix looked at his sister in wonder. “The…the… the… Bettany cake!” he spluttered.

“Of course, silly! I can make it now and Auntie Madge got Daisy and I to make up a few more the night before we collected you. No, don’t say anything!” With that Peggy cheerfully stuffed a slice of Bettany cake into her astonished brother’s mouth, an action Bride repeated with Jackie.

Jack and Joey looked on laughing as the triplets danced around Maurice and Maeve. Joey looked at baby Stephen in her arms and then at Jack cradling the even younger Charles. “I wonder what devilments these two will get up to when they are older?” Joey mused.

“Oh I should think all our boys will be highly sensible, obedient, upstanding pillars of responsibility.” Jack smiled as he said this, blissfully unaware that the little spirits of the as yet unborn Mike, Felix and Geoff were dancing around him singing, “That’s what you think Papa! Just you wait till we come!”

#13: Author: Lyanne, Location: Ipswich, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:12 pm

Thank you Phil!

(I thought it would have served Bunter right if he'd actually got some of the cake Daisy, Lavendar & co made at Jo's in Highland Twins.)

#14: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:46 pm

A lovely story.

Although we have the bunter humour, the homecoming is moving

#15: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 5:18 pm

Excellent - thanks Phil

Liz

#16: Thanks for the feedback Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 5:31 pm

Dear All

Thank you so much for this feedback! This was my first attempt at a story. It just so happens I have several more cooked up, and am on leave minding my parents house and a large b/w cat. So I shall be putting lots of other stuff up!

I am scribbling away at this moment

Phil x Laughing

#17: Author: Chair, Location: Rochester, Kent, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:41 pm

Thanks, Phil. I'm sorry to see this short drabble come to an end already. I have really enjoyed reading it. It was nice to see Maeve and Maurice meeting their brothers and sisters for the first time as well.

#18: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 7:47 pm

That was fantastic - thanks Phil

I laughed til my sides absolutely ached. I adore Bunter!

#19: Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:15 pm

Brilliant!

I always love to see the boys getting screen time and this was fantastic, thank you Phil!

#20: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:48 pm

Excellent!! Great fun and beautifully written..."purloining comestibles" does not pay! Laughing

#21: Author: Miss Di, Location: Newcastle, NSW

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 2:31 am

Great fun as Cath said. But I'm sorry that Bunter didn't get his "six of the best".

#22: Six of the Bettany (Surely "Best") Author: Phil, Location: London UK

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:07 pm

Glad you enjoyed the BB story! I had only briefly alluded to Bunter getting a whacking, "Quelch says he shall give Bunter six, and later on the HEad meets Quelch and an "aching prisoner". I usually shy away from writing scenes like that, (The cane does hurt! Embarassed

) but it wouldn't be a proper BB story without a whacking, so here it is: the missing scene:

YAROO!
“BUNTER!” Bellowed Mr Quelch, when they had reached the study.

“I am fed up to the back teeth, with your theft of other boy’s comestibles! This business with Bettany’s cake was the final straw! I said I would give you six, sir, and by golly I will! Bend over that chair!”

The fat owl of the remove was so terrified, Mr Quelch’s eyes seemed to bulge underneath their glasses as if they would pop.

“Can’t sir… I…I…I…don’t want to” protested the unfortunate cake stealer.

“WHAT?????!!!!!” bellowed Samuel Quelch, and he dragged the wretched boy to the desk, and provided him with two extra strokes for insolence.

WHACK!

“Ow!”

WHACK!

“Yeowww!”

WHACK!

“AArgh!!”!

THWACK

“Yaroooooo!!!!”

THWACKKK

“OOOOOHHHHH!!!”

WHACK!

“Please SIR!”

WHACK! WHACK! “And for your insolence and cowardice sir!”

“YArooooo owwww!!”

“Now sir to the Headmaster’s study to apologise for your behaviour to Bettany’s relatives!”

#23: Author: Elle,

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:59 pm

ROFL

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