The Return
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#1: The Return Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 12:18 am


This grew out of something I read earlier that made me wonder, "what if...? It was supposed to be short, but the bunny decided otherwise. So here goes:



“She’s coming back today, in a few hours I will see her!” The thought was with Hilda from the moment she opened her eyes on that summer morning, and remained with her then as an insistent refrain. As she moved through her normal routine, the constant joyous beat of “Today, today, today!” echoed in her mind. It was only by sheer willpower that she was able to maintain her usual calm demeanour and by the middle of the morning this was becoming increasingly difficult. She wanted to speed time by running rather than walking and found it hard to sit still and concentrate on the tasks in hand. Finally, at 10.45 am, on the way to the Staff Room for a final meeting and confident that there was nobody to see her, she gave way to her feelings surging and, catching up the skirt of her dress, she twirled her way joyously down the silent corridor, only to come to an abrupt halt as Matron strode round the corner. Matron stopped, considering the embarrassed Headmistress with her characteristic level stare. Then, “Hilda”, came the quiet comment, “I know that you’re delighted about this, but don’t expect it to be quite the same as before, will you?” Hilda flushed slightly. “I know,” she said,” it’s just that – well – it has been rather a long time, and with things remaining so uncertain for so long, and I wasn’t sure if she would want to return …”
“Exactly,” came the response. “Don’t forget, we don’t know what happened, so we can’t begin to guess how it has affected her.” “No” said Hilda quietly.



Last edited by Cath V-P on Mon Oct 03, 2005 5:11 am; edited 59 times in total

 


#2:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 3:05 am


Who is coming back? Where are we? When are we?

C'mon Cath, I need some clues!

Love the idea of the very stately and dignified Miss A twirling down the corridor!

 


#3:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 5:16 am


OK I'm hooked Cath, anything that has Hilda dancing down a corridor has got to be good! Laughing

 


#4:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 6:44 am


Hurrah! You've started posting it.

I loved the image of Hilda dancing down the corridor. Laughing

Could this be the exuberance of youth - or is it sat later on?

Thank you, Cath

 


#5:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:00 am


Thanks Cath

Love the image of Hilda twirling like that Very Happy

Liz

 


#6:  Author: Carolyn PLocation: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:38 am


Nice image of both Hilda and Matey.

 


#7:  Author: AliceLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 8:16 am


I'm very curious about who's returning. Thanks Cath.

 


#8:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 8:30 am


Oooooh Very Interesting start. Looking forwards to further episodes

 


#9:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 8:44 am


Oooh, I wonder who it is? Very intrigued!

 


#10:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 8:46 am


*Also intrigued* Very Happy

 


#11:  Author: RuthYLocation: Anyone's guess PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:19 am


Another one who's intrigued!

Pleae post more Cath

RUTH

 


#12:  Author: JoeyLocation: Cambridge PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:19 am


Ooh, ooh, more please Cath! Need to know who's coming back.

 


#13:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:48 am


I am looking forward to finding out who is coming back.

 


#14:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 12:00 pm


Come on, tell us who it is.

 


#15:  Author: nikkieLocation: Cumbria PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:17 pm


And.............
I think you forgot to finish your post?

 


#16:  Author: CathLocation: Coventry PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:56 pm


Ooh, this looks really interesting! Hoping for more soon, thanks Cath Very Happy

 


#17:  Author: CaeliLocation: West Midlands PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:09 pm


I have a guess as to who it might be, but could be wrong. Very intrigued also. More please!

 


#18:  Author: SophoifeLocation: down under Down Under PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2005 11:02 pm


Cath we're all hooked...please tell us Exclamation

 


#19:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 12:04 am


Monday morning is here, and so am I. I meant to post this last night, but the net was very slow and i kept timing out. This ahould clarify the who, the when and the where... Very Happy

“Oh, God, please let it be all right!” murmured Hilda as she glanced at the clock for the third time in five minutes. “Her letters have said so very little – even for her.” Falling silent, she gazed absently out of the window, and tried to ignore the tension building inside her. How many months had it been since that unsuspecting parting in Tyrol? And how much had she not been told about the flight – and its aftermath? True, she had seen Nell immediately after her return, but Jem Russell had been insistent that nothing too disturbing had been said – which had effectively killed any possible conversation. “ I should have ignored Jem!” she thought – not for the first time. It had been impossible to talk at Joey’s wedding, and then there had been a brief and unsatisfying meeting in London when there was too much to say, and too little time. After that she had taken that course at the university, while Nell had stayed quietly in her cottage on Dartmoor, but now that the school was definitely going to reopen, and they would be working together again, surely they would be able to resume the friendship that meant so much to them? Since their earliest days in Tyrol, they had always been able to talk to one another, and had shared so much – they and Con Stewart, the third member of their trio. And since Con’s engagement, she and Nell had found themselves spending more time together and had forged a deep and satisfying friendship that had come to mean much to them. In fact, Hilda had not really understood just what Nell was to her until those terrifying last days in Tyrol when all was in turmoil and Nell was lost – apparently for ever.
Looking again at the clock, Hilda sighed and forced her attention back to the task in hand. And this time she had her reward, for after ten minutes more, she finally heard the long-awaited sound of a car approaching the house. With a happy little murmur of “Nell!” she dropped her fountain pen (thereby irrevocably damaging the nib), and ran out of the study. Reaching the hall doorway, she stopped, and slowly the happiness began to drain from her. The scene appeared to be one of conventional arrival and welcome: the front door was standing open, Michelle, one of the Guernesiaise maids newly employed by Madge was offering the appropriate greetings and the familiar figures of Jem Russell and Nell Wilson were making their way up the steps. But the unduly sheepish expression on Jem’s face was disturbing and Nell….Hilda started to cross the hall, then stopped abruptly, horrified by the cold emptiness that she saw in her friend’s face. Nell looked straight at her and Hilda had a sudden agonising awareness that Nell was not there, that a stranger was looking at her from some remote place. “Nell!” she said, too loudly into the sudden silence, “Welcome to Sarres!”

 


#20: The Return Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 12:09 am


Oh-oh - it's very early in the story, but I think you've already been taking lessons in cliff-hanging, Cath - please don't let us wait too long for the next bit, I'm really anxious to see how this all works out.

 


#21:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 12:39 am


So Nell is the person who Hilda was waiting for! Thanks for putting us out of our misery, Cath.

 


#22:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:03 am


Well at least we know who it is. But why does Nell appear different? Because of her ordeal?

You've got me well and truly hooked Cath! Laughing

 


#23:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 7:32 am


Poor Nell - overwhelmed by all her experiences.

And poor Hilda - wanting a return to normality. And realising also that she made a mistake by listening to Jem. Trust your perception, Hilda. Crying or Very sad

Thanks, Cath.

 


#24:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 1:22 pm


*clinging to the hope that this is canon*

please please explain why Nell is so different!

Thank you for the update, and for letting us know who it is however

 


#25:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 1:47 pm


I'm also hooked - poor Nell! Hope she is all right.

Thanks Cath

 


#26:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:57 pm


Looking good Cath. Very Happy

*also wondering what's happened to Nell*

 


#27:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 7:27 pm


I thought Nell got a raw deal in 'Exile'. She was older, and in a great deal of pain from her foot, but Jo got all the care and concern because of her nerves.

 


#28:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:41 am


Here we are, a little bit more!



“Thank you Hilda” said this unaccountably changed Nell, “It’s very pleasant to see you again. How are you? And was the course successful?” Making a great effort to hide her shock and pain, Hilda replied calmly, that, she was quite well, yes, the course had been a great success, and how had the crossing from Weymouth been? “Oh, quite calm” was the response. “And of course, Jem was his usual helpful self in meeting the boat so promptly.” Jem was, most uncharacteristically, silent at this, and Hilda also found herself floundering for words. Whatever she had expected, it was not this cold assurance. And that remark about Jem – had it been a deliberate jibe? It seemed so. “Oh Nell,” she thought sadly. “What has happened to you?”
“Well” she said brightly after a short silence, “I expect that you are ready for tea? What about you Jem? Are you staying?”
“Err… no Hilda, I really must be off… Quite a lot to do at the San, Madge’ll be over tomorrow, and I’ll see you later in the week. Good to see you back, Nell.” And with that, Jem Russell was gone, uncharacteristically flustered and abrupt. Hilda and Nell watched him depart, the latter with a mocking little smile edging her lips. Taking a deep breath, Hilda turned back to Nell. “This way, Nell. It’s quite easy to find your way around, but I’ll show you to your room and then we will see about tea. So far, Matey and Jeanne have arrived, and Simone and Grizel will be here tomorrow. And of course, we have the new visiting mistress-”
“Is Con here yet?” The abrupt question caught Hilda by surprise. Con had been staying with Nell – didn’t she know what her friend’s plans were? “No, she’s expecting to arrive by the end of next week; didn’t she mention it to you?” Nell flushed slightly. “We didn’t discuss her plans.” she answered curtly. Hilda made no response, but instead led the way to the pretty room that had been assigned to Nell. “You and I are in this small corridor, and Jeanne and Gwynneth are around the corner.” she said quietly.

Fifteen minutes later, both women were in the study, having afternoon tea. Hilda was still struggling to deal with the grief and disappointment of this meeting, and ate very little, although Nell appeared to find no difficulty in the situation and chatted easily about the reestablishment of the Chalet School.
“Well, I must say, I am most impressed with what Madge has found for us here – at least judging by what I’ve seen so far.”
“You had better see all of it before making up your mind – it was in a bit of a rundown state when Madge first found it, but hard work and paint have improved it immensely. Fortunately we have been able to keep our stock and textbooks,and alotb of the basic school equipment, but we have had to purchase school furnishings. I’ve done the best that I can for your Geography Room and Chemistry Laboratory, but you may well want to alter things. And of course, our numbers are down to fifty-two, although if we grow as we did in Tyrol…” Hilda stopped, cursing her own stupidity as Nell’s face whitened slightly at the mention of Austria. “Nell-“ she said uncertainly, and then stopped as Nell stared at her and then turned away, busying herself with the tea things.

 


#29:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 4:55 am


Poor, poor Nell - come on, open up to Hilda. Crying or Very sad

Thanks Cath - I think. Confused

 


#30:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 8:47 am


Why should Hilda curse herself for mentioning Austria? It would be the most natural thing in the world! And what has happened between Nell and Con? Surely they are the best of friends?

Oh dear, what a mull all round. Crying or Very sad

Thanks, Cath. Keep it up. Wink

 


#31:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:38 pm


Thanks Cath

Wonder what's been going on that Hilda doesn't know about.

Liz

 


#32:  Author: patmacLocation: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:13 pm


Thanks Cath. this is most fascinating. I can't help thinking Nell has given Jem a piece of her mind over something.

I'm reasonably sure his advice to Hilda not to talk to Nell about it was wrong - or did something else happen to Nell that we don't know about?????

 


#33:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:25 pm


Most intrigued as to what caused this great change in Nell, surely not "only" the flight from Austria? Maybe the fact her hair is now white...?

 


#34:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 1:03 am


And another bit - somewhat happier in places.

Later that evening, a dispirited Hilda stood at the window of her bedroom, fighting for composure. The rest of the day had been no better; Nell had made no overtures of friendship and throughout dinner had continued to discuss school affairs at the most superficial level. The presence of Matey and Jeanne de Lachennais had made no difference; indeed both of them had seemed equally at a loss in the face of Nell’s brittle assurance. Jeanne had tried to maintain the conversation and had ignored several bitter little jibes from Nell, while Gwynneth had lapsed into silence early in the meal – although Hilda was fully aware that she was observing Nell closely throughout the evening, while appearing relaxed, and even uninterested. And while she was considering the evening, Hilda became aware of a new emotion - that she was angry with Nell. “How can she behave like this? She seems to be enjoying herself! If this is what she has become, then I wish she had never returned!” Horrified by her thoughts, Hilda stared miserably round the room. Finally her attention was caught by a photograph on her bedside table. It showed three women, perched at the bottom of a flight of steps, and as she looked at it, Hilda’s expression softened as she became absorbed in the memories that it conjured up. Two years previously she and Nell had decided to spend the summer exploring the north-east of England. They had rented a cottage in North Yorkshire, and used it as a base for various forays; towards the end of the summer, Con had joined them, and the whole holiday remained with her as a golden memory of sunshine and laughter. “Especially the night before that was taken!” she thought, as a particular incident returned to her.
The day before Con had been due to arrive, she and Nell had been busy catching up with laundry and housework, so they had seized the opportunity of a fine evening, and gone out for a stroll. On returning, they had found that neither had picked up the key before slamming the front door, and were thus faced with either walking another three miles to find the landlord, or breaking in. “Well, that’s easy enough!” said Nell briskly after some thought. “I noticed ages ago that the catch on the window over the rainwater barrel is broken, so if I just hop up on top of it, I should be able to get in quite successfully.” Two minutes later she was balanced precariously on top of the large barrel, and fiddling with the window. “Aren’t you glad that you came on holiday with a Guider?” she added somewhat smugly as she wrestled with the catch. “Well, yes…began Hilda when several things happened in swift succession. The window swung open unexpectedly, the neighbour’s large black cat who had obviously been shut inside the cottage by mistake, appeared on the sill with alarming stealth, Nell jumped back startled – and the lid of the rainwater barrel splintered apart, depositing Nell in several feet of malodorous and scummy water. Nell yelled out a word that Hilda had previously been completely unaware of (or at least had never heard used!), and then, realising that her friend was now completely incapable of useful speech or action, attempted to get herself out of the barrel. By the time that she succeeded, Hilda was sitting down on the grass by the front door, gasping. The cat had fled. Nell looked down at Hilda and then squelched her way into the kitchen wrapped in a practically-visible air of dignity. The only thing that followed her was the shaky utterance “I didn’t know you knew that word, Nell?”
Remembering the whole incident - particularly the laughter that had followed her question - had calmed Hilda’s anger. “We’ve shared so much laughter, and been such close friends that I can’t believe it’s all gone. I won’t believe it’s all gone.” Catching up the photograph, she stared at it. This was the real Nell – valiant and merry-hearted, capable of providing so much support and loving strength, and shyly revealing the more tender side of herself only to her closest friends. “I will not give up,” Hilda said quietly to the empty room. “I don’t know how to reach her, but I will not believe that my Nell is so irretrievably changed.” Setting down the photograph, she prayed for strength and guidance, and went to bed, oddly reassured.

 


#35:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 3:59 am


Love the episode - and can well believe that Nell would know those words! Laughing

Thanks Cath.

 


#36:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 5:39 am


Cath V-P wrote:

Remembering the whole incident - particularly the laughter that had followed her question - had calmed Hilda’s anger. “We’ve shared so much laughter, and been such close friends that I can’t believe it’s all gone. I won’t believe it’s all gone.”


I do hope that Hilda can get through to her and resolve what ever is troubling Nell. It's all a bit stressfull after Lesley making them fight last week.

One of my favorite periods in CS history so I'm looking forward to the next bit.

 


#37:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 7:07 am


Lovely - thanks Cath

I hope she can remind Nell of what their friendship was like and bring her back to her old self.

Liz

 


#38:  Author: Guest PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:05 am


What a lovely episode to remember.

If anyone can get through to Nell, it will be Hilda.

Loving this, Cath.

 


#39:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:07 am


I seem to have been logged out. Shocked

That was me above, Cath. Rolling Eyes

 


#40:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:52 am


Just managed to catch up with this, and it's fantastic - keep up the good work Cath! I am really intrigued!

 


#41:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 9:42 am


Thank you Cath. Have also just caught up with this, its looking very good and I'm hoping that Hilda can help Nell. Good on her for not giving up.

 


#42:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 7:48 pm


Miss Di wrote:
I do hope that Hilda can get through to her and resolve what ever is troubling Nell. It's all a bit stressfull after Lesley making them fight last week.


I did not make them fight - they decided that all on their own!

 


#43:  Author: Carolyn PLocation: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm


Look forward to seeing how this all goes.

 


#44:  Author: nikkieLocation: Cumbria PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:33 pm


Thank you Cath

 


#45:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 11:44 am


Thank you for all your kind encouragement. I may not be able to post until Monday as there is much to be done around the house htis weekend. Still, here is the next bit. Things are happening...


It was as well that she had had this moment of reassurance, for there was very little to comfort her in the days that followed. It could not be denied that Nell did all that a Deputy Head could be expected to do, carried out all the tasks necessary to ensure that the school would reopen as planned on the 31st August, was helpful in making suggestions, discussed necessary arrangements with Hilda and Madge Russell – and conveyed nothing whatsoever about herself in that time. She steadily refused all direct overtures of friendship from Hilda and maintained a strictly formal and professional relationship with her. However, despite this appearance of normality, Nell’s behaviour was becoming increasingly erratic. Hilda noticed that as evening approached, Nell grew increasingly tense and preoccupied, and showed a marked reluctance to move from a lighted room to anywhere that might be dark or shadowed. Her bedroom light remained on until at least midnight and Hilda was beginning to wonder whether she ever switched it off; indeed she was also starting to wonder just how much sleep Nell was getting as she was noticeably paler adn her eyes were deeply shadowed. She flatly refused to go into the garden, and she also began to avoid her colleagues when they were relaxing in the Staff Room. This was not unduly noticeable as far as the younger staff members were concerned; after all both Simone Lecoutier and Grizel Cochrane had been taught by Nell and still held her somewhat in awe! – but was more disturbing with regard to people like Con Stewart and Jeanne de Lachenais. Moreover it was obvious that Con’s arrival had not eased things as Hilda had hoped; both Nell and Con were icily polite to one another, and the latter was clearly angry and hurt as well. Most worrying of all, Nell was becoming increasingly outspoken; the occasional bitter utterance was now heard as a matter of course and finally, after an outburst that had left Simone almost in tears, Hilda summoned Matron to her room to discuss the situation.

“You will have to do something about this Hilda.” Matron said firmly. “If it continues, then I don’t think Nell will be able to remain here; she won’t be able to do her job adequately, let alone anything else.”
Hilda was horrified. “Do you really think it’s as bad as that Gwynneth?”
“Well, look at the way in which her behaviour has deteriorated in a week! Oh, I know, you can’t fault the actual carrying-out of her duties, but as we all know there has always been a lot more demanded of Chalet School staff than their “duties”. And imagine if she spoke to one of the girls in the way that she spoke to Simone last night!”
“But Simone was always rather emotional –“
“Yes, but her self-control has improved immeasurably. That last outburst of Nell’s was unacceptable – even Grizel winced!”
Hilda sat silent, uneasily aware that Gwynneth was correct. Las t night, Nell had been unbearable. Finally she spoke.
“I’m scared Gwynneth; what will I say to her? What if I lose her completely?”
Matron smoothed the hem of her apron and then looked at Hilda. “Well, would it be any worse than it is now? She’s retreated almost completely to her own world, and my view is that she’s soon won’t be able to communicate with anybody. She hardly seems to see people, she pays very little attention when anyone talks to her – except when she’s working – and I get the feeling that everything that she does say or do is somehow rehearsed., and the real Nell is hiding form everyone. And in my opinion, I don’t think she can help herself. So somebody else has to, and that person is you.” Hilda said nothing and Matron continued:
“Look, Hilda, Nell trusts you-”
“She used to, but that’s all changed now. There have been moments when I’ve thought that she hated me. I’ve caught the odd look, so angry, so bitter…” Hilda was quiet again; she hadn’t meant to admit that, but in a way it was a relief. Gwynneth chewed her lip, considering, then shook her head.
“Even so, you’re still the only person who can reach her. Con can’t – they’re too alike. And she’s suspicious of me. Joey's too young. Madge is her employer, and of course, she’s not here all the time and doesn’t really know how difficult the situation is. Jem has no idea how to handle anything like this, and besides he’s still offended by her remarks on the way here from the boat!”
Despite everything Hilda grinned. The day after Nell’s return, Madge had mentioned gently that Jem wasn’t used to having his opinion disregarded, and assumed that Nell must have been suffering from the aftermath of seasickness. He hoped she had recovered. Tactful enquiry had revealed that Jem’s hearty assurances that Nell looked “exactly the same as she had done in Tyrol” had been met with the remark that if he hadn’t noticed the difference in the colour of her hair, it was as well that she wasn’t suffering from any complaint requiring careful observation! The rest of the journey had apparently passed in silence.
“No Hilda, it has to be you. Take it from me, you’re the only person for the job.” And with that, Gwynneth had smiled encouragingly and departed, leaving Hilda lost in thought.

 


#46:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 11:52 am


Just caught up on this again. Think Hilda's definitely the best person for the job. Just hope she can get through to Nell.

Can well imagine Jem not liking his opinion being disregarded!

Thanks Cath. Hope you get everything done this weekend, and that the housework inspires you! Laughing

 


#47:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 11:53 am


Thank you Cath. Poor Nell and poor hilda. I think Matey is right she is the only person who can do so, but what if she fails?

 


#48:  Author: LucyLocation: Leeds PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 1:10 pm


Cath V-P wrote:
if he hadn’t noticed the difference in the colour of her hair, it was as well that she wasn’t suffering from any complaint requiring careful observation!


Love this remark Cath - it is so Nell - sarcastic and very much on the ball as always!! Definately shows there is still hope.

Just caught up with this and am really enjoying it - thanks

 


#49:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 1:18 pm


I too loved that remark, Cath. I can hear Nell saying it too. Laughing

Poor Hilda. What a conundrum. Knowing that anything you say or do is likely to be the wrong thing. But her perception and sensitivity, despite her youth, should help her through. Please! Crying or Very sad

Who on earth can have usurped the real Nell?

 


#50:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 1:57 pm


Sounds as if Nell may be suffering from either a Reactive Depression, or what today might be called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a reaction to her experiences escaping from Tyrol - but both of those are definitely suggesting modern diagnoses which wouldn't have been identified as such at the time this story is set.

Certainly her current behaviour is not normal by any stretch of imagination - and unfortunately for Hilda, she really is the only one who will, in the end be able to get through to her - and she may well get figuratively at least, spat at, before Nell will let her help.

As Mary says, it's very hard on Hilda to know whatever she says or does is likely to be the wrong thing, at least at first.

Waiting patiently for the next bit - please, Cath.

 


#51:  Author: RuthYLocation: Anyone's guess PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 2:24 pm


Caught up with this and I'm really enjoying it!

Hope Nell's ok.

Ruth

 


#52:  Author: pygmyLocation: glasgow PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 2:49 pm


Really like this and am looking forward to the next bit. Cheers! Very Happy

 


#53:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 5:31 pm


I'm wibbling... hope everything works out for Nell and Hilda... Sad

 


#54:  Author: Carolyn PLocation: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 6:56 pm


This is good, but what a difficult job for Hilda. It is one she will do, one she will know she has to do, but how difficult.

 


#55:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 7:21 pm


Cath surely nothing in the house is that important, is it?


Feeling sorry for Hilda and Nell - and yes it's likely that Hilda will get shouted at - but that's because we always feel we can be hardest to those we love.

(Love her comment to Jem - honestly what did he expect?)

 


#56:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 12:38 am


Rolling Eyes at Jem

Thanks Cath - I hope Hilda can pick the right moment.

Liz

 


#57:  Author: patmacLocation: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 7:38 am


You'd think Jem would have a bit more sensitivity than that!

Poor Nell and Hilda!

*g* at Lesley but seconds comment Wink

 


#58:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 10:48 am


Poor Nell! And poor Hilda. Crying or Very sad I hope she can find a way to break through the 'new' Nell even if she does explode at her at first. It must be awful for Nell to feel that nobody understands what she went through. As for Jem... honestly! Rolling Eyes
Cath this is so good and so sad. I hope you have time to post more soon.

 


#59:  Author: MiriamLocation: Jerusalem, Israel PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 8:52 pm


Well Jem had actually seen her hair in Tyrol, when he visited them at the cave that night, still it wasn't a very tactful thing to say. Pity he couldn't apologize though.

 


#60:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 1:58 am


Monday morning and here it is. The bunny came and whispered to me while I ironed and cooked and gardened and did all the other things required for domestic comfort. It was a very productive time Very Happy

“The only person for the job.” The words echoed in Hilda’s mind, but this time, it wasn’t Gwynneth’s voice that she heard, but Nell’s beloved tones. Hilda had refused to consider what Gwynneth had said until she was alone in her room, and was now curled up in her armchair, resolutely considering the decision that she knew she must make. The words returned to her with renewed clarity, as did the occasion on which they had first been spoken.
They had returned to their cottage after an expedition to Whitby; none of them had ever visited that particular town before, and Nell had declared that, given her name, Hilda, at least, ought to be ashamed of herself! So they had spent three days exploring Scarborough and Flamborough Head, and then travelled to Whitby. All three had been impressed by the grim glory of the ruins of the Abbey, and its commanding position. Now they were enjoying a quiet evening reading by the fire – it was unexpectedly chilly for August and rain had set in – although Nell preferred to sprawl on the rug gazing at nothing in particular, and evidently lost in thought.
After about half an hour, she broke the silence. “You know, Hilda, your parents were truly inspired when they named you!” Slightly dazed, Hilda looked up from the pages of South Riding which she had acquired that afternoon. “Did you say something, Nell?”
“Yes, dearie, I was remarking just how well your parents chose your name.”
“Well, thank you on their behalf for the compliment, Nell, but what brought that on?”
“It was the description of St Hilda that we read yesterday that started me thinking; I only had a vague idea about her – knew that she’d been in charge of a convent and organised a rather important meeting that shaped the progress of the Church in England, but that was about it really. Then I found just how important she’d been, and everything I heard about her reminded me about Hilda.”
“I agree,” Con remarked at this point. “In fact I was thinking about the likeness between them earlier.”
“I wish you wouldn’t talk about me in the third person; it’s very annoying!”
“Sorry Hilda,” said Nell, sitting up, and smiling at her friend. “We’re not joking, and if you bear with us, I’ll explain. Reading that St Hilda was a leader and a peacemaker inevitably brought you to mind; to run a double community of monks and nuns must have required a phenomenal amount of firmness, tact and patience.”
“Yes,” added Con. “To say nothing of organising a meeting between two sets of Church leaders and persuading them all to agree to an outcome that half of them would have been unhappy about.”
“Especially when she would have preferred the customs of the Celtic rather than the Catholic Church, but chose to put her own feelings to one side because the greater good demanded it.”
“And who should this remind us of, but our very own Hilda?”
“I think you’re a pair of idiots - ”
“No,” said Nell firmly. “We’re not. Just think about it. You took over running the School at a moment’s notice, coping with all the admin and Mdlle’s illness. Then, you were faced with all that business with St Scholastica’s – forty new girls plus new staff at one fell swoop, all of whom had to adapt to our ways remarkably quickly. Your first year as Head was hectic, but you coped marvellously; you were patient, tactful, did exactly what Madge needed and thanks to you the school is united and going from strength to strength. I couldn’t have done it, and I wouldn’t have wanted to try.”
“Neither would I” said Con. “We’re both too impatient and not tactful enough. We would have driven, not led. But you achieved what was needed and managd to keep everyone's suppoirt and affection;and i'm sure that there were times when you didn’t want to be in that position or following that course of action. And we really do admire you.”
“Definitely the only person for the job!” said Nell affectionately. And Hilda blushed.

 


#61:  Author: Kathy_SLocation: midwestern US PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 3:32 am


Lovely description of the two Hildas!

Hope Nell comes back to herself.

 


#62:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 3:52 am


Awwww! How lovely of Nell and Con - and how embarrassing for Hilda! Laughing

 


#63:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 8:48 am


Hope Nell reverts back to her old self soon - I don't like the new Nell!

Thanks Cath, eagerly awaiting some more.

 


#64:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 9:58 am


Thank you Cath. Lovely description of the two Hildas.

 


#65:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 11:45 am


What a lovely tribute to Hilda.

I hope she can now use some of that wisdom and tact to help the friend who needs her so much.

Thank you, Cath. Perfect! Smile

 


#66:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 12:44 pm


Thanks Cath

Nice that Nell and others appreciated how much Hilda had to deal with on taking on the headship

Liz

 


#67:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 5:12 pm


What a lovely, warm scene, let's hope Hilda can get that back again!

 


#68:  Author: Carolyn PLocation: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 9:55 pm


That was a great description of 'The Abess'.

 


#69:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 10:33 pm


Perfect description of Hilda in Headmistress mode. That was such a lovely bit and a big contrast seeing Nell's respect and admiration for her then after her attitude 'now'. Thank you Cath.

 


#70:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 1:48 am


Thank you for your comments; here is a lttle more. I'm sorry it it's painful to read, but I can't do anything about it; Hilda and Nell are standing behind me whispering....what do you mean, problems with my grasp of reality?Laughing


Hilda sighed impatiently, pushing away the memory. She knew what she had to do and musing upon the reasons behind the decision would make the task no easier. Still, there was something reassuring in remembering the previous affection and comradeship that had characterised the relationship between her and Nell. “Oh God,” she prayed, “let me reach her somehow. Please let me find her again!” Opening her bedroom door quietly, she listened for any sound from Nell’s room. The silence was total, but nevertheless, Hilda had the strongest impression that she was hearing someone screaming into the night. Praying again for help and comfort she left her room. In her apprehensive state, she didn’t notice Gwynneth standing at the corner of the corridor.

Acting on an impulse that she didn’t fully understand, Hilda opened Nell’s door without knocking, and as she did so heard a stifled whimper of fear. “Nell!” she began, and paused in shock as she saw her friend backed into a corner of the room, braething hard and gazing at her in terror. “Nell – it’s me, Hilda.”
“Hilda?” It was the merest whisper and Hilda acted at once. Walking calmly across the room, she took Nell by the arm and gently pulled her out of the corner. “Come and sit down and talk, Nell,” she said quietly, trying not to notice her friend’s white face and trembling body. “Sit down here - unless you would like to come into the garden with me for a while?”
“NO! Not the garden!”
“Alright, not the garden. Tell me, Nell …why don’t you want to come into the garden?”
There was a silence, and then, as if in a dream, Nell murmured starkly, “They shot them in the garden.”

 


#71:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 7:20 am


Who? Shocked

Help!


Oh, poor, poor Nell. Crying or Very sad

 


#72:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 7:29 am


What has happened? Shocked

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#73:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:00 am


Shocked Shocked Shocked

Oh poor poor Nell... Crying or Very sad

 


#74:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 6:28 pm


Is this referring to poor Herr Goldmann and the priest? Surely she didn't witness that? Poor Nell, whatever she did see has obviously traumatised her completely. I am now on tenterhooks as what happened, so please write more soon!

 


#75:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:07 pm


Oh how terrible - yes it could be the priest and Herr Goldmann - poor Nell, so pleased Hilda's there for her.

 


#76:  Author: nikkieLocation: Cumbria PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:16 pm


Poor Nell, Is this something from the book or is there something more than we were told about?
Thanks

 


#77:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 11:09 pm


Poor poor Nell. And of course, it being the CS everyone does keep trying to drag her into the garden. Come back quick and tell us who, Cath. WE need to know just what happened to Nell to change her so terribly.

 


#78:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 1:11 am


Patience, my children! (Ducking quickly!). I've departed from the book now, so no, not Herr Goldmann and Vater Johann. All will be made clear...eventually Twisted Evil
Here's a little more to be going on with.

Confused and horrified, Hilda closed her eyes and said nothing for a moment. Then kneeling down by Nell’s side, she looked at her and saw the familiar expression of icy remoteness returning; leaning forward she grasped Nell’s hands and spoke firmly.
“Nell, you have got to tell someone what has happened to you; you can’t carry this by yourself any longer.”
As if a button had suddenly been pushed, Nell’s expression hardened and a look of bitter disdain flickered across her face.
“Just get out of here Hilda. This isn’t your business.”
“I’m sorry Nell, but I can’t leave you alone.”
“Why not? My feelings don’t seem to have troubled you until today, so what’s the matter now, Hilda? An uncomfortable kink in your conscience? Or do you have to report to Jem on my state of health and need some information? ‘Miss Wilson seems to be in an unusually emotional condition, but I am unable to identify the cause of this.’”
“Stop it Nell, this isn’t helping.”
“Really Hilda, for an educated woman, you can be remarkably stupid; why in God’s name don’t you just go away and LEAVE ME ALONE!”

At Nell’s final words, Hilda felt an unexpected surge of anger; this had gone far enough! Nell might not want her friendship, but she had no right to speak to her - or anybody - like that.
“Miss Wilson, I think you forget yourself,” she said, standing up and staring down at the other woman. “You may well be experiencing some personal difficulties at the moment, but you will kindly remember that I am your Headmistress and as such demand your respect. Your behaviour is unacceptable and I expect you to apologise for your remarks.”
“And if I don’t?”
Hilda didn’t hesitate.
“Then it will be impossible for you to remain as a member of this Staff, and I shall require you to leave the premises immediately.”

This time the silence seemed to stretch for ever; Hilda moved away from Nell toward the window and waited. Nell was absolutely still, and Hilda sensed something of the conflict raging with in her, even though there was no hint of it in her rigid features,
Suddenly she remembered Gwynneth’s unexpected remark: “Nell trusts you”. It certainly didn’t seem like it at the moment, but Gwynneth’s observations of others were usually correct.
After a minute that seemed like twenty, Nell finally spoke, her voice harsh and her beautiful grey eyes agonised. “I apologise for my remarks, Miss Annersley. They were completely unacceptable, and I was fully at fault.” She turned towards the door, but was halted by Hilda’s voice. “Please remain Miss Wilson, this matter is not yet concluded.”

 


#79:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 2:37 am


What on earth is going on?

What has Nell Wilson experienced to make her react like this? I'll admit the thought of Herr Goldman had crossed my mind, too, but you say firmly, no, to that idea.

Someone is going to have to break through to Nell before long, or one of the doctors will take matters into their own hands. It would be so much better if Hilda could do it before this becomes necessary.

Cath, this is brilliant - but what a *wicked* cliff to leave me dangling on just before I go to bed - please don't keep us suspended for too long before revealing *all*.

 


#80:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 6:46 am


Thanks Cath

I'm glad Nell didn't decide to try to call Hilda's bluff!

Liz

 


#81:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:25 am


Nell obviously doesn't truly want to be left alone, otherwise she would have called Hilda's bluff - if she was bluffing?

Keep going Hilda.

Thanks Cath.

 


#82:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:26 am


Poor Nell. Hilda did very well there, but I'm sorry its reached the stage whereby they have to call each other by their sirnames. Hopdfully Nell will feel that she can open up to Hilda in the very near future if not before. Thanks Cath

 


#83:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:27 am


Oh wibble wibble wibble!!!!!

Shocked

Cath, this is CRUEL!!!! Wink

 


#84:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:55 am


Poor Nell! Wonder what it is she saw, and hope Hilda can help!

 


#85:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 2:06 pm


So, on reflection, Hilda SHOULD have ignored Jem when she first saw Nell after the escape, as clearly Nell is holding it against her for not delving more deeply at the time.

Oh dear, come on, Hilda. You can get through. Nell needs you to be strong, and perhaps even harsher than you are being already.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#86:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 1:06 am


How very perspicacious of you, Mary! Here is the next bit.....

Slowly, Nell turned to face her: Hilda was standing by the window, her grey-blue eyes sad and stern and her mouth resolute.
“I accept your apology, but I must insist on some explanation for your behaviour. You will tell me the reasons behind your speech and actions during the last week, or I will be no longer be able work with you as my Deputy.”
Nell gasped and went white; she put out a hand blindly – and Hilda had to grit her teeth to stop herself from giving Nell the comfort that she so obviously sought.
“Oh God” she thought, “Please help us!”
Nell stared desperately round the room, and then with an effort, said,
“If I can’t give you – what you ask - would I be able to stay here just as Science Mistress?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think that would be possible.”
Nell was silent, but it was obvious that she was struggling for words. Although every fibre of her being ached to hold Nell, and soothe away her pain, Hilda forced herself to remain quiet and still; any response must now be Nell’s alone. “Please let me in, Nell!” she silently implored. “Don’t shut me out any longer.”

.Suddenly, with a wrenching effort, Nell spoke. She sounded beaten and exhausted, her voice that of a woman pushed to the last levels of endurance, but at her first words Hilda felt a small surge of hope.
“It’s as if - as if I’ve stepped through a mirror and I’m trapped here. I can see how terrible things are on this side, but all the rest of you are walking in such terrifying unawareness! Hilda, we had no idea, no idea at all – nobody does here, and I do know, but there is noone here who will listen or understand” -
“Not even me?” Hilda said sadly. Nell paused, looked at her, and for the first time since the day of her return, Hilda felt as if her Nell had emerged from some distant hiding place and was truly – albeit briefly - with her.
“I’ll try,” Nell murmured finally. “But please don’t try to make me sit down,.or hold me. And don’t interrupt.”

She began to speak, slowly at first, but then with the words spilling from her in torrents as she tried to convey the unthinkable, speak the unutterable, while Hilda listened curled in the chair, questions burning inside her, but not daring to speak, or even move lest she disturb Nell’s thoughts.
“I don’t know just how much you have heard about our escape, but things started going wrong very quickly. Joey led us astray in the fog, although I know that wasn’t her fault. But it seemed like an omen somehow. And then Jack and Robin were spotted, and we knew that they really were searching seriously for us. And from that moment it all seemed inevitable. By the end of the second day, I knew we were moving too slowly, and I also knew that that was my fault; my foot had started hurting and I was doing my best to keep up the pace, but I was already a hindrance…..

 


#87:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 3:59 am


Good, she's talking - but now it seems she blames herself - poor Nell.

Well done Hilda - that must have been so hard. Crying or Very sad

Thanks Cath.


Last edited by Lesley on Thu Jul 07, 2005 7:30 am; edited 1 time in total

 


#88:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 7:26 am


Also applauding Hilda on managing to break through. Poor nell. With friends like Hilda about she should come through this in the end

 


#89:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 7:49 am


Crying or Very sad poor Nell

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#90:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 9:05 am


It's great that Hilda has got Nell to talk, but the story doesn't sound particulatrly nice!

*hugs to Hilda and Nell*

 


#91:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 10:38 am


Poor, poor Nell, and poor, poor Hilda Crying or Very sad

Well done, Hilda, for being so strong, and I do hope you can go on being so strong, and so harsh again, if necessary. It clearly needs pulling out, because she can't accept that people will understand just how bad it was. If Hilda can't understand, though, with her empathy, nobody can. So please trust her, Nell.

 


#92:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 11:15 am


Poor, poor Nell. I always thought she was ignored in favour of Jo's nervous collapse, when, as a member of staff, Nell would have felt responsible for all of them.

 


#93:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 12:41 pm


Thank goodness Hilda has at last managed to break through to Nell and open the floodgates of memory - hope Nell now recounts the whole escape and her feelings about it. I agree that as a teacher, she would certainly have felt responsible for the group, even with the two men there.

Thanks Cath.

 


#94:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:21 pm


Poor Nell, let's hope that talking about whatever happened, and whatever she blames herself for will help.

 


#95:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:31 am


Ok, onto the next part. This may be my last post until Monday, but we'll see. Thank you for all your encouraging comments btw! Very Happy


Gottfried Mensch stopped abruptly, and motioned the rest of the party to silence.
“Miss Wilson, I do not like this; they should have been able to rejoin us before now. We have to hide, and we must go at once; it’s getting too light. Somebody may have spotted them in that last village. It’s too quiet.” Nell looked at him.
“What do you suggest we should do?” she asked. “I don’t know the geography of this district as you do. And we must keep the girls safe. That’s the most important thing of all.” Gottfried nodded his head and considered.
“There is a small belt of forest further on. If we can reach it, we can remain under cover until nightfall and then move on to the mountains. But we must move more quickly. And yes, once you are all safely hidden, I’ll be able to search for the others with an easier mind.”
“Then we had better get under cover fast.”

As the little group started walking again, Nell turned to scan the open fields behind them anxiously, Gottfried was right; it was far too quiet. There was no sign of the early morning workers who should already have been in the fields, especially as they were in the middle of early harvest. And, most worryingly of all, there was no sign of Joey or Jack or the Robin who had stayed behind in the village that they had just skirted to see whether they could obtain some supplies.
“I should have stayed with them,” fretted Nell, “ Every time we are separated, the risks of us losing each other are too great.”
However, she knew that her patois was simply not good enough to allow her to pass as an ordinary peasant woman without question, and there was also the unpleasant fact that the painful limp that was now plaguing her was making her ominously slow. A cold little voice sounded in her mind,
“What if you become a danger to everyone?”
“Shut up!” she muttered. “I’ll do what I have to!”

Half an hour later, the little group of fugitives was safely concealed in the forest that Gottfried had indicated previously. Nell was unfeignedly thankful to have the chance to rest; she had kept up with the pace set by Gottfried, but it had cost her dear as her foot had swollen alarmingly and she was in permanent pain. Gottfried had seen them into hiding and had now retraced his steps in the hope of finding the others. Nell found herself hoping that this would take sufficient time for her to be able to rest and perhaps lessen the pain.
“And what if that doesn’t happen?” niggled the insistent little voice. Nell closed her eyes and resolutely turned her thoughts in another direction. How was the school faring now? Had everyone left Austria? Were they all safe? And what about Hilda; where was she?
Ten minutes later, the low sharp sound of a whistle caused them all to sit up, listening tensely. Then came stealthy footsteps and a reassuring murmur of “All ok!” and the welcome sight of Gottfried with Joey, Jack and Robin appeared in the clearing in which they were gathered.
“Thank God you’re all right!” Nell breathed out. But one glance at the faces of Gottfried and Jack convinced her that things had gone badly awry.
“What’s happened?” she asked.
“They’ve traced us to the last village,” replied Jack Maynard. “More than that, they were questioning everyone before they allowed them to leave for work this morning – had a roadblock set up.”
“So how did you manage to get away?”
“Bribed the innkeeper to let us through the back of his hostelry, and cut out a bend on the road, so they missed seeing us. But it does mean we have to go now, and quickly. I’m not convinced that the old rogue wouldn’t sell his soul to the devil…and guns can be very persuasive.”
“So we must hurry,” broke in Gottfried.. “Miss Wilson, let me see what I can do for your foot…I may be able to bind it so that it you can walk more easily.” He bent to his task, and as he did so, Nell murmured,
“Gottfried, please don’t tell me any more of your plans. It might not be…wise.” His hands slowed and he looked at her searchingly. Then, with a single nod of acknowledgement, he completed his job and stood up.
“Are we all ready?” he asked curtly.
“Yes Gottfried,” replied Joey, and he turned to lead the way out of the clearing.

 


#96:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 5:41 am


How brave of Nell. Shocked

Thanks Cath.

 


#97:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 8:28 am


So she knows - knows that she might have to fall behind, or even refuse to go on so she doesn't slow them down. And in that case if she gets caught, she won't be able to give them away, even under torture.

Poor Nell. The mind shudders at what she must be thinking and feeling at this moment. And it is all so feasible. Crying or Very sad

 


#98:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 8:37 am


This brings out the mental agaony as well as the physical that Nell must have suffered.

Thanks, Cathy.

 


#99:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 10:00 am


Poor Nell, to have that to deal with as well as everything else. Thanks for showing us how she is thinking cath

 


#100:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 10:21 am


Poor Nell. Thank you Cathy.

 


#101:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:25 pm


oh poor poor Nell. she must have suffered such agonies, but to come through it all - as she evidently has, must have taken such strength.

thank you Cath

 


#102:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:27 pm


What a strain to be under - even if nothing more had happened - no wonder Nell is not 'being normal'.

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#103:  Author: pygmyLocation: glasgow PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 3:10 pm


Really enjoying this. Thanks Cath. Very Happy

 


#104:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 3:19 pm


How awful for poor Nell to feel that she was a burden and a danger to all the others - what a terrible strain on top of the stress which the escape must have caused.

 


#105:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 7:47 am


I found this incredibly hard to write, but here is it. And thank you again for your encouraging comments - it's rather haunting me at the moment.


“Are you ok, Nell?” asked Joey Bettany anxiously. Nell did not reply, just nodded, her lips compressed. It had been just over two hours since they had left their hiding-place and Gottfried had set a punishingly fast pace. Nell had long since ceased to pay any attention to her surroundings – it was as much as she could do take her next step without crying out. Jack Maynard was beside her and helped her as much as he could, but there was nothing he could do to ease her pain. She needed rest, and that was the one thing they could not give her.
At a signal from Gottfried, the group halted; they were concealed by a thicket on the edge of a road that was at present deserted, but that, as Joey had remarked, was no guarantee of safety. Gottfried and Jack peered cautiously out and then relaxed.
“It looks ok, Gottfried,” commented Jack. “I’ll start getting the girls across, shall I?”
“Yes,” answered Gottfried. “Take Evadne, Ilonka and Hilary first – oh and Robin. Hilary, Corney and Jeanne, wait over by that bush and be reasdy to move as soon as Jack comes back. I need to have a word with Miss Wilson.”
Jack started to say something, but fell silent instead and moved to shepherd the four girls over the road. Nell had sunk thankfully to the ground when they stopped, and Gottfried now squatted down beside her.
“Miss Wilson – Nell,” he began, taking her hand and ignoring Jo’s look of surprise. “There’s something that you need to know now.”
“I thought there might be.” Nell replied quietly.
“It is about the next stage of the journey. As soon as we cross the road, we drop down into a steep and rocky gully that we must follow for – some time, and after that there is a small cliff to climb. This is the only way that will give us even a chance of remaining unseen, but -”
“But you don’t think I can make it.”
“I am so sorry, Nell, but I do not think that you can.”
“Gottfried!” exclaimed Jo. “What do you mean? What are you saying?”
“It’s alright, Jo,” said Nell. “I’ve been expecting something like this. The most important thing is to get the girls away safely and at the moment, I’m not helping.”
“But Nell -”
“No, Jo, think about it for a minute. I’m slowing everyone down, and the chances are that I won’t be able to get much further. If I stay here, you’ll be much more likely to get to safety - won’t you Gottfried?”
Gottfried nodded reluctantly and then added,
“That is so, but it may not be quite as bad as you suppose. If you can remain hidden and rest your foot, I may be able to return for you in the near future. At least, I will do my best to do so.”
“So that’s decided,” said Nell firmly. “No, Jo, don’t argue any more. Just go with Gottfried and Jack and help the others to get safely home. Oh, and there is one thing you can do for me.” Nell reached up around her neck and removed a small gold crucifix.
“Will you give this to Hilda for me? Ask her to look after it, and tell her I’ll be home to claim it – some time.” Not trusting herself to speak, Joey simply took the crucifix and nodded.
“Oh and Joey…tell Hilda that it’s all been worth it.”
“I think she already knows that.” gulped Jo, and then after giving Nell a desperate hug, turned away toward the road. Gottfried followed her, and they were soon lost to sight. Left alone, Nell shifted carefully until she was supported by some stout bushes, and wincing against the renewed pain in her foot, surveyed her surroundings.

 


#106:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 7:50 am


You can't do that to Nell, Cath. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

She is so brave, and that little message to Hilda made me blink away the tears.

Thank you.

 


#107:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:16 am


Poor Nell. *slips quietly into the drabble and gives her a hug, then settles down to wait with her until Gottfried can come back for her.*

 


#108:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 1:51 pm


Nell is being really heroic in this, she deserves much more praise than she got.

 


#109:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:46 pm


Nooooooo! Don't leave Nell behind!

It must have been hard mfor Gottfried to actually say that out loud. Poor Nell.

 


#110:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 3:52 pm


Echoes all the others here - the story of the flight as it appears in 'Exile' is hard enough, but this is so much worse

No wonder Nell is in the state she is by the time she actually gets back to the school. And definitely hard for Gottfried having to make the decision to leave her behind for the time being - as if he wasn't already feeling bad enough that it was the actions of his fellow countrymen who had provoked the need for this horrific journey in the first place.

Thanks, Cath - will look forward to seeing what happens next.

 


#111:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 4:29 pm


Poor Gottfried. Crying or Very sad


As for Nell - ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.' I salute you.

Thanks Cath.


(but I'm really pleased she didn't actually have to do it! Wink )

 


#112:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:25 pm


Thanks Cath

I am so glad we know that Nell survives - but wibbling about what is going to happen.

Liz

 


#113:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 12:58 am


Next bit. I tried to write this as gently as I could.

Curiously enough, she did not feel afraid. There was a great relief in the knowledge that the decision had been made and she no longer had to struggle on feeling that she was a danger to them all. What would be, would be, and oh, the blessed joy of being able to sit still. And it was a beautiful day! The Tyrol in summer…golden and green and blue, with wild flowers blooming and larks swooping in song. “Hilda would have a quotation to fit this,” she thought, and smiled at the memory of the number of times that Hilda had produced an opportune phrase. Whatever happened, the sojourn in Tyrol had brought her great happiness, and she could never regret it. “I hope Joey manages to give Hilda my message and crucifix,” she commented to the sky, and smiled as she visualised Hilda’s beloved face. She remembered when she had been given that crucifix by her father on the day of her First Communion, remembered her parents and baby sister Cherry all making a fuss of her, and of the delight she had taken in the gift which she had worn ever since.
And so Nell sat there, throughout the rest of the day in a state of strange detachment, waiting for whatever came next. Her thoughts drifted idly as she remembered random happenings and people: the love her parents had given her, particularly after Cherry’s birth when they were anxious to ensure that she was not jealous of the baby, her turbulent school career, where over and over again, her hot temper had brought trouble on her, so on to university, her first job and the crushing loss of her family that had left her so alone. And then there had come her appointment to the Chalet School… But all the time her thoughts kept returning to Hilda and gradually a picture came to her mind of a grave-faced Hilda, weary and pale, looking out of a train window.
The pain in her foot diminished to a nagging ache, and she was even able to sleep a little. Once a car passed swiftly; it did not slacken speed, and this gave her a renewed sense of hope. As afternoon wore on into early evening, her mood altered and she began listening anxiously for Gottfried; he had not given her any indication of when he might return, but surely he would come before nightfall? What would she do if he did not come soon? Suddenly to her horror, she caught the sound of an engine – no, engines – approaching and saw lights on the road. There was no time for her to move away from the road; breathing hard, she struggled to her feet and waited.
Scarcely a minute later, a car flanked by two motorcycles and followed by a lorry came slowly around the corner, their lights illuminating the road ahead, and catching Nell in their glow. The small convoy came abruptly to a halt and a single uniformed SS officer climbed out from the car in a leisurely fashion. The officer approached Nell, looked at her carefully and then producing a small square of pasteboard, scrutinised that.
“Fraulein Helena Wilson, I see. We have been looking for you for some time.”

 


#114:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 3:57 am


Oh no! Feeling slightly sick because I know who that is! Shocked

Thanks Cath (I think!)

 


#115:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:37 am


Lesley! Stop Gloating!

Thanks Cath (I think), this is gripping.

 


#116:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:50 am


Oh no!!

Thanks Cath

*wibbling*

Liz

 


#117:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 9:31 am


No!!!! Poor Nell and poor Gotfried.

Thank you Cath.

 


#118:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 10:27 am


Oh dear, this does not sound at all good! Poor Nell! I hope they haven't found the others as well.

 


#119:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 12:20 pm


Feeling very sick - I was really hoping that she'd escape

 


#120:  Author: VikkiLocation: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 1:48 pm


waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Poor Nell!

Thank you Cath!

 


#121:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 4:32 pm


As Lesley said, one can make a guess as to who this is - not a pleasant thought at all.

Lovely details about her early life, Cath, helping to keep her calm.

May God hold her in the palm of His hand in the struggle ahead.

 


#122:  Author: LianeLocation: Manchester England PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 10:18 pm


Oh my God! Poor Nell!!
((everyone who needs it ))

 


#123:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:59 am


Thank you everyone. Here is the next part.

Nell made no reply, simply inclining her head in a wordless assent. She heard the expressionless voice of the SS officer ordering her into the car, and as if in a dream found herself moving slowly to the vehicle where she was seated between two uniformed soldiers. The officer watched her and then turned to issue orders to the group of soldiers who were now climbing out of the truck. They immediately fanned out along the road and into the surrounding area. Then he returned to the car, smiling.
“Well, it should not be long until you are reunited with your friends.” Nell said nothing, and the car moved forward.
That journey remained with Nell as an unreal, yet agonising experience. She was aware of every slow and fearful breath she took, every precise movement of her tensely knotted body and the cold terror that shook her. Clinically she noted that the sunset was beautiful, but that rain would certainly fall the next day, and that the harvest was progressing well. As they passed through the various villages, she noticed the deserted roads, the houses that were now empty, the increased presence of uniformed soldiers and officials and the ever-growing number of swastikas.
Eventually, she realised that they were now on the outskirts of Spartz and that the car was now approaching a building that had formerly belonged to a local Jewish industrialist. He and his wife had been out of the country at the time of the Anschluss, and the three-storey house had been requisitioned for use by the SS. Nell had previously admired the graceful charm of the building, but now the sight of it terrified her.
The car pulled up outside, and Nell found herself standing on the pavement between the two soldiers. There were more passers-by here, and Nell watched them swiftly averting their gaze or staring coldly through her, lest they too should come under SS scrutiny.
“Oh God help me,” she prayed, and as she did so, heard Hilda’s voice echo in her mind, “Courage, my Nell.” In response to this, Nell took a deep breath, straightened her back and lifted her head high.
“I will not slink through this door like a criminal!” she thought, and moved towards the steps with an unexpected calm dignity. As she did so, the light from the street lamp illuminated her face and an elderly man walking slowly in the shadow on the opposite pavement stopped and stared at her. Then he frowned and walked on. Nell slowly climbed the steps and passed into the darkness of the doorway.

 


#124:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:10 am


Thanks Cath

Nell is showing such courage

*wonders who the man is and if he will be able to help*

Liz

 


#125:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:21 am


Am so glad she heard Hilda's voice and that it helped.

Wondering if the man is someone who knows them all and will somehow find the courage to do something for her. But then that leads to fear for him as well...... Oh help!

Thanks Cath

 


#126:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:08 am


Just caught up with this - it's completely amazing! I am beyond wibbling on behalf of Nell...

Thanks Cath

 


#127:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:36 am


Nell's being so brave and selfless! *hugs Nell*

But I'm still wibbling muchly Sad

 


#128:  Author: Elle PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:44 am


Have just read this straight through, and it is excellent.

*joins in wibbling*

 


#129:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 3:35 pm


Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Poor Nell, she must be terrified - so glad that Hilda's words were able to help her.

 


#130:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:12 pm


I'm feeling all wibbly and teary eyed reading this but then I feel guilty for being such a spineless jellyfish because Nell is being so brave and strong. This is so moving Cath, thank you.
It says so much about the strength of their relationship that Hilda's words could reach Nell and help her in such a terrifying situation.

 


#131:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 1:03 am


Thank you so much for your supportive comments; I am living with this at the moment, and it is challenging.

Next part...and Leutnant Bhaer appears by kind permission of Lesley Green Management. Thanks Lesley.

Inside, the building was brightly lit, and numbers of soldiers were assembling in the large hallway. Two or three SS officers stood together at one of the doors, one waving a piece of paper and obviously giving directions. Nell stopped, uncertain, and one of the soldiers escorting her gave her a push with his rifle. She moved reluctantly into the centre of the room, hearing a low murmur of “English woman!” and a ribald laugh following her. She blushed, but made no sign that she had heard anything untoward and with her head rather higher than before was directed through a door into an office. Already seated behind the desk, studying some papers, was the SS officer from the car. He did not stand as she entered the room.
“Please sit down, Fraulein Wilson.” Nell sat down in the chair opposite the desk and waited. The officer ignored her and continued reading; Nell did not move, but covertly studied him, noting the fair hair, and thin humourless mouth. Finally he looked up and cold blue eyes unblinkingly surveyed Nell.
“Well, Fraulein, I am Leutnant Rudi Bhaer. I have had the inconvenience of searching for you for several days and I am delighted that I have been able to achieve such a successful conclusion.” Nell did not reply and he continued,
“I have, of course, visited your former place of work and had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of several of your colleagues.” He stopped, seeming to expect an answer, and Nell replied coldly,
“I presumed that you must have done that as you have somehow acquired my photograph.”
“Yes – although I might add that it is not exactly an accurate likeness.” Nell flushed, aware of her grubby and dishevelled state. He glanced casually at her and ripped the photograph into pieces.
“I have already had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of Fraulein Annersley. She was charmingly compliant - particularly in supplying your passport and travel documents.” Nell gasped; what was he implying? Had he hurt Hilda? In response, he shook his head,
“No, no, she is in excellent health – or at least she was when she left the country in the company of her colleagues and pupils: I presume that by now she is safely back in England. I apologise, but you will not be joining her just yet.” He picked up the papers in front of him and Nell realised that he was holding her passport and other personal documents. He surveyed them indifferently, tore them in half and tossed them into the wastepaper basket.
“Of course, you now have no means of proving your identity …” Nell stared at him, her mind suddenly blank, then burst out,
“You had no right to do that! I am a British subject!”
“Fraulein, in this room, I have the power to do anything that I wish. And I do not somehow think that the British Government is going to concern itself about one troublesome woman, who has no identity documents.”
“But -”
“And besides,” he shrugged, “who knows that you are here?”
Nell gasped and made no reply as the implication of his remark hit her. The silence in the room stretched out and was broken by the sound of a lorry slowing outside. Leutnant Bhaer glanced out of the window,
“Ah,” he said in satisfaction. “I shall now have the pleasure of reuniting you with your friends.”

 


#132:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 4:36 am


He really is a nasty piece of work, isn't he?

Thanks Cath - I think. Laughing

 


#133:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 4:41 am


Any time Lesley! Very Happy

 


#134:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 7:48 am


Cath, you really are treating Nell very badly. Crying or Very sad

Is he baiting her here or has he really caught all the others as well?

Oh dear!! Crying or Very sad

 


#135:  Author: MoraLocation: Lancaster PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 8:02 am


*shudders* Eurgh! Thanks Cath.

 


#136:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:02 am


Oh no - and I hated the way he said Hilda had supplied Nell's papers, it was so implying Hilda was complicit! Sad

I want to know which friends of Nell's are there please Cath - maybe they can help her get through this - unless Bhaer is lying of course.

Just allowing myself a tiny *wibble* because trying not to be a spineless jellyfish!

 


#137:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:28 am


Oh dear; I was hoping the others had got to safety!

And I don't like his insinuation about Hilda's complicity... though I suspect he was just trying to get a rise.

 


#138:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:35 am


Thank you Cath. Can see this must be really hard to write and Bhaer is still a thoroughly unpleasant piece of work!

 


#139:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:36 am


Just caught up with this again - it's great, Cath. Poor Nell - and poor Gottfried having to make that decision.

Also wondering which of Nell's friends are there Confused

 


#140:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:25 pm


Thanks Cath - *hugs*

Poor Nell - what a horrible way to be treated - and all the things he's hinting at as well.

*sincerely hopes that her friends are not there*

Liz

 


#141:  Author: ChelseaLocation: Your Imagination PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 1:49 pm


The only way I can keep reading is repeating the phrase:

"Nell is telling the story so I know she comes out okay (or at least alive)"

 


#142:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 2:01 pm


I'm with Chelsea on this - it's so true - and yet I've *got* to go on reading.

It's not just what you are actually telling us, but also the multiplicity of implications lurking below the surface which make this so frightening - and so compelling at the same time.

Lesley's Lieutenant Bhaer was nasty enough, but you are certainly portraying him as completely depraved here! I think you've combined together all the worst attributes of such individuals to produce him!

I can well imagine that you are finding it hard to write - but you are doing a great job.

Waiting with bated breath for the next part - have the others really been caught, or is that a tension raiser for Nell?

Thanks, Cath.

 


#143:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 4:26 pm


What a terrifying ordeal that Nell had to go through. *Hugs Nell*. At least I know that she somehow or other gets to Guernsey.

Where does it talk about Joey's nerves in the books? I have never come across this before. Or is it not directly mentioned?

 


#144:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:53 am


Phew, ok. Next part below. I'll try to post a lot over the next few days; I need to get through this too. A warning before you read on; Bhaer does hurt her, and later, he will play some very nasty manipulative games. Sad


The next two minutes passed very slowly. Finally, there was the sound of approaching feet and a knock at the door. A uniformed soldier entered – somewhat apprehensively, Nell noticed.
“Well, Sergeant Langer, and what have you to report?”
“ Herr Leutnant, we have searched along the roadside and in the surrounding woods and have found no trace of any of the fugitives.” The sergeant saluted and stood acutely at attention. The Leutnant stared at the top of his desk, then:
“I see,” he said. “Sergeant, you will now return to the area, with additional men, and dogs. You will find those whom we seek.” The sergeant saluted again, turned toward the door, and then halted as the Leutnant added,
“Return here in ten minutes. I will have some additional information for you.” The sergeant departed, glancing briefly at Nell as he went. Silence fell again. The Leutnant moved away from the window, picked up a pencil and addressed Nell.
“Well, this is unexpected; I can see that we shall have to continue our discussion.” The pencil cracked between his fingers and Nell’s mouth dried in apprehension.
“Now, what can you tell me about the rest of your party?” Nell said nothing, and the Leutnant leaned back against his desk, regarding her steadily. Without warning, he swung his hand back, striking her across the face, and Nell cried out in shock and pain.
“That really wasn’t very pleasant was it?” said the Leutnant gently. “Now, what can you tell me about the rest of your party?” Nell gritted her teeth and remained silent as the Leutnant hit her again. This time she tasted blood.
“Perhaps I should ask you to be a little more specific?” he mused. “That might jolt your memory. For example: what was your destination?”
“I don’t know,” whispered Nell, and braced herself for a third blow.
“Still unhelpful?” he remarked courteously. “I would advise you to consider very carefully, Fraulein. You will tell me what I wish to hear; it would be better for you to speak sooner, rather than later.” Nell simply shook her head.
“How very unfortunate for you.” Moving closer, the Leutnant leaned over Nell and repeated,
“What was your destination?”
“I…don’t…know.”
This time the blow knocked her out of her chair; stars swirled in front of her eyes and pain reverberated through her head and body. Seizing her by her hair, the Leutnant dragged her to her feet and pushed her against the wall. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Calmly, the Leutnant released her and turned to address Sergeant Langer.
“Fraulein Wilson has not, as yet, been as helpful as I had hoped. You may carry on with your search as ordered.” The sergeant departed and Leutnant Bhaer turned his attention back to Nell.

 


#145:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 3:49 am


Evil little piece of sh*t. fume

Can't say thanks Cath, not really.

Poor Nell. Crying or Very sad

 


#146:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:40 am


Poor, poor Nell

*sends more hugs to Cath 'cos this must be so tough to write*

Liz

 


#147:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 8:40 am


((((Cath))))) - thankyou for writing this, hard as it is to read, it must be immeasurably harder to write

 


#148:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 9:03 am


Oh poor Nell.... Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

 


#149:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 9:18 am


Poor Nell. Glad she is currently standing up to him but how long will she be able to hold out.

*hugs* Cath this must be horrible to write. Kiss

 


#150:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:30 am


Thank you; this isn't easy. Here is another small part.

Although he had let her go, Nell was not prepared to risk further antagonising the Leutnant, and had remained leaning against the wall. Indeed, she was rather glad of the support it offered as the world swayed about her. She could taste more blood, and her face and jaw were hurting intolerably. “But I have to keep silent,” she thought dazedly. “If I can only keep silent a little longer, then the others might be safe, and I will have done the best I can for them.” She winced as the Leutnant grasped her shoulder, and swung her round to face him. For a long moment, he scrutinised her, and then, as if recognising her wordless determination, commented,
“I see that you are not yet prepared to be sensible. I suggest that you consider carefully the options available to you. And remember, that there is also the little matter of the German and Austrian pupils and staff at the School. I was most interested to discover no records – not a single one – relating to these people, although the large pile of ash in the incinerator suggested certain possibilities. I am sure that you can remember much that I will find useful.” He stopped and smiled mockingly.
“Now, as I can see that nothing will be gained by prolonging this discussion, I will arrange for you to be escorted to a place of safe-keeping.” He touched a bell, and two soldiers appeared; the Leutnant released Nell and the soldiers flanked her. Together, they moved across the room. Suddenly, Leutnant Bhaer spoke again.
“Fraulein Wilson, perhaps this will give you something to think on.” Nell turned, and in a blur of movement, he crashed the butt of his pistol into the side of her face. Her world exploded in a shattering burst of light and she fell down into darkness …..

 


#151:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:33 am


Poor Nell. No real words except Bhaer is a truely evil man. I Am wondering how she gets away in the end whether it happens before the end of the war or if she's tormented for the whole time.

((((Cath)))) Thank you.

 


#152:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 12:00 pm


Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

Thanks Cath.

 


#153:  Author: SophoifeLocation: down under Down Under PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 12:21 pm


eebleweeblewibble

Poor Nell! and poor Cath! (but thank you heaps)

 


#154:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:07 pm


Oh poor Nell! Shocked

At least we know she survives.... though it's looking like she's suffer in the process Sad

 


#155:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:02 pm


Poor Nell. I wish I could have told those nasty men exactly what I thought of them.

 


#156:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:21 pm


Eek!

Bhaer is so evil! Poor Nell

Surely the British Consulate can help her? Even if she hasn't got papers? I can't imagine the CS not doing all they can to trace her.... oh wibble!

 


#157:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:33 pm


Mia wrote:
Surely the British Consulate can help her? Even if she hasn't got papers? I can't imagine the CS not doing all they can to trace her.... oh wibble!


Except the CS think she is with Gottfried and Jack...

 


#158:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:47 pm


Thanks, Cath for having the courage to tell this tale - I can well understand that if it's hard for us to read, it must be even harder for you to write.

Sending hugs to both you and to Nell - at least we do know she survives, but the cost scarcely bears imagining - it's no wonder she was as she was when she finally got back to the school

 


#159:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 3:01 pm


Nell wrote:
Except the CS think she is with Gottfried and Jack...


When Gottfried and Jack meet up again with the CS folk then and they realise she is missing. Uh oh unless they are the friends Bhaer means! Shocked

*hides behind cushion*

 


#160:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 3:29 pm


Mia wrote:
Nell wrote:
Except the CS think she is with Gottfried and Jack...


When Gottfried and Jack meet up again with the CS folk then and they realise she is missing. Uh oh unless they are the friends Bhaer means! Shocked

*hides behind cushion*


it's all to horrid to contemplete....

 


#161:  Author: ChelseaLocation: Your Imagination PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 3:36 pm


Nell wrote:
Poor Nell. No real words except Bhaer is a truely evil man. I Am wondering how she gets away in the end whether it happens before the end of the war or if she's tormented for the whole time.

((((Cath)))) Thank you.


She makes it back to the school when it is first at Sarres - so by early in the war at the latest (unless, in this universe they don't re-open the school at the same time they did in the books).

Repeating my mantra muchly

 


#162:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 3:45 pm


EBD didn't touch much on the atrocities going on during the war but presumably what is happening to Nell here would also have happened to a goodly few of the Austrian, German and Dutch girls, as well as other nationalities, who had to return to their own land. This brings home, somewhat, all that was going on elsewhere while the school itself was in England and everyone there relatively safe.

Sorry - they're not real, are they? Embarassed

Nell is superb, Cath, but then that should not surprise any of us.

It certainly makes difficult reading.

 


#163:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 7:00 am


Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#164:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 11:35 am


Thank you everyone, This next part is a bit of a respite, and rather longer.

Very gradually, it was getting lighter. Birds were singing somewhere and somewhere below, she could hear the sound of dogs whining. She became aware that she was cold and nauseous, and that pain stabbed in her face and in her chest. She was also thirsty. Very cautiously, Nell opened her eyes, and then closed them again, as the grey light of dawn dazzled her. She lay very still and tried to work out just which bits of her did not hurt; after five minutes, she had established that while the pain in her jaw and face was the worst, her chest and ribs had also suffered some damage. Her head was hammering with the worst headache that she had ever known, and her foot was also aching – although not as badly as it had been. “Something to be thankful for,” she thought. Slowly she opened her eyes again, and found that this time the pain was bearable. She tried to sit up, and at once, the nausea increased. She lay down again, and after another few minutes was able to sit up. Carefully, she began to touch her face and try to work out just how damaged she was; it seemed that she had been lucky, as although her face was very painful and obviously bruised, swollen and stiff with dried blood, no bones seemed to have been broken. Her chest and ribs were also bruised, which was puzzling as she could not remember how that might have happened. And the headache seemed to be getting a little better. Turning her head very slowly, she began to consider her surroundings.
She had been taken to a small room. Two of its walls were plain wooden partitioning, but the others had incongruous flowered wallpaper, and it was clear that the room had originally been a lot larger. There was a portion of a window that permitted a small amount of light to enter, and Nell hazarded a guess that she was in what had once been part of a servant’s room. Apart from the hard narrow bed, there was no furniture. Moving cautiously, she got off the bed, and went shakily toward the window; it was too high to allow her to see outside, but there was a jug on the floor with a cup and a plate with a piece of bread. The thought of food was sickening, but she desperately needed a drink. She reached out for the jug.
That first cup of water was possibly the most welcome drink that Nell had ever had in her life. She sat on the floor, stiff, aching and sore and drained three cups of water. Then, she tore a piece from the bottom of her petticoat, dipped it in the remaining water and proceeded to cautiously wipe some of the blood and dirt from her face. She had no means of seeing how well she had succeeded, but judging by the stains on the material, she must be a little cleaner. And she certainly felt more comfortable, although her face was incredibly painful. Finally she unplaited her hair, ran her fingers through it and replaited it, tying it with a thread pulled from the hem of her dress. That done, she sat down to await whatever would happen next.

This time, however, she could not remain calm; her thoughts rose up to confront her and she could not avoid them. Every small noise alarmed her, and she could not prevent herself from replaying the previous night’s scenes in her mind. Again and again, she heard the Leutnant’s mocking courtesy and his question, “who knows that you are here?” She forced herself to face the terrible truth that she was alone, that nobody knew that she was here, that she, Nell Wilson, was at the mercy of a man who rejected all the values by which she had lived, and that she could do nothing to defend herself. “And the others!” she whispered. “Oh, God, please let them have reached safety.” She did not dare dwell on the possibility that they might have been captured – or worse. And what about the School and the San; of course they would have been closed, but was everyone safe? What of Gwynneth and Con? And above all else, what about Hilda?
At the thought of Hilda, a wave of loneliness and fear swept over her, and her eyes filled with tears. “Oh Hilda,” she thought and then, suddenly, the Leutnant’s words, “charmingly compliant” echoed in her mind. What had he meant by that phrase? Had Hilda somehow helped him, or had those words been plucked from the air to torment her? But how would he know how to hurt her like that? “He’s a liar!” she thought fiercely, remembering the chilling courtesy that had masked such furious violence. "And I will not believe his words!” She forced herself to think only of Hilda: her serene dignity, and loving heart, her impish sense of fun and sensitivity to the needs of others and above all, the love and companionship that she had given to her, Nell. “I will not doubt her,” she murmured, and was swept by a consuming need for her presence. “Oh God,” she prayed with passionate intensity, “please let me see Hilda again!”

 


#165:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 11:38 am


Oh poor Nell. And poor Hilda listening to this.

Thank you Cath.

 


#166:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 12:40 pm


Please don't listen to him, Nell. You know Hilda too well to believe that of her. Like you, she is too strong and too faithful to give in, even to threats of violence. Crying or Very sad

In a way, these moments alone are worse for Nell than actually being ill-treated, for they allow her mind to work overtime, they allow his words to work their malevolence.

 


#167:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 2:01 pm


She didn't betray you Nell, I promise.

Cath this is painful to read but compelling. Thank you.

 


#168:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 2:39 pm


Thank you Cath

Poor Nell Sad

Liz

 


#169:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:06 pm


Thanks, Cath. What a terrible situation to be in.

 


#170:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 8:25 pm


I really hope Nell will be ok. What an ordeal to be going through - I can't begin to totally understand what it was like.

 


#171:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 8:50 pm


Very powerful stuff, Cath. Thanks. Sad

 


#172:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 9:19 pm


This is very compelling, thanks Cath

 


#173:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:28 am


so sad. Poor Nell. Sits and waits to see how this situation can be resolved. Thanks Cath

 


#174:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 2:43 am


Sorry about the delay. Have some more:

The sound of approaching feet and doors opening and closing jolted Nell back to the present. Carefully she got to her feet and waited, her heart thudding. After a few moments, the door was unlocked and a soldier stuck his head into the room.
“You! Out now!” he barked and Nell obediently made her way into the corridor. Outside a small group of women and girls was gathered; she joined them and they were escorted down the stairs to the outside scullery, where they were issued with buckets of soapy water and scrubbing brushes. Then they were directed into the house, where they were split into two groups, and Nell found herself in the entrance hall that she had seen the previous evening. The two women with her at once fell to their knees and started scrubbing the grubby floor; Nell quickly copied them, trying to ignore the nagging ache in her ribs, and the guard took up a position by the wall with an expression of extreme boredom on his face.
For about ten minutes, the work proceeded in silence, then under cover of the rasping of the brushes, Nell heard a low murmur.
“You are the teacher from the foreign school aren’t you?” Nell turned her head, surprised, and looked at the speaker, a thin dark-haired woman with a bitter mouth and a soft little cough that told its own tale.
“Yes,” she said, “I am.”
“They have all gone from there, you know,” the woman continued, breathlessly. “And from the Sanatorium on the mountain. They left last week.” Nell’s heart leapt within her; at least so many of her friends and pupils were safe: and Hilda, Hilda must have gone too -
“Your face looks as if you have angered someone,” went on the woman. “Was it - him?” She jerked her head in the direction of the office at the end of the hallway, and Nell nodded slowly.
“You had better be careful; he has a vicious reputation, and if he finds you of ‘interest’- ” She shook her head and bent her attention to the floor once more. Nell’s hands slowed as she considered the words. Then noticing the guard watching her, she resumed her scrubbing.
They had cleaned perhaps half the hall when the trouble began. The guard, quite clearly bored with his task, decided to amuse himself by goading the three women, knowing that they could not do anything about it. He deliberately walked over the patch of floor that they had already cleaned, leaving muddy footprints behind him.
“Oh dear,” he said with mock concern, “I am so sorry, but you will have to clean that again!” None of the women mad any response; instead they simply scrubbed away the muddy bootmarks and carried on working. Nell could feel a small flicker of anger within her, but ignored it Five minutes later, the same thing happened; this time, Nell noticed that the dark-haired woman was panting a little as she moved her heavy bucket across the floor, and when she resumed scrubbing, her movements were definitely slower. The flicker of anger burned brighter. The guard had noticed the woman too, and a little grin edged his lips. He waited for five minutes more and then slowly walked across another freshly-scrubbed area of floor.
“And this time,” he said. “You will clean it!” And he pointed to the dark-haired woman. She got wearily to her feet, and attempted to pick up the bucket. It was clearly too heavy for her, and with a sudden burst of coughing, she dropped it. The dirty water splashed onto the floor, soaking the guard’s boots, and with an exclamation of anger, he slapped her face hard.
Nell leapt to her feet in fury, ignoring the gasps around her and the small voice in her mind that pleaded for caution.
“Leave her alone, at once, you coward!” she shouted. The enraged guard stepped back, then seized his rifle and swung it, catching Nell in the stomach. She staggered backward, gasping, but still managed to stay on her feet. The guard raised his rifle again, and Nell flinched.
“Enough!” came the clipped word, and both Nell and the guard froze. Leutnant Bhaer stood at his office door, surveying the hallway. “Soldier, if you have insufficient duties with which to occupy your time, then I will have to devise some activity that will be beneficial to you. Report to me when you are off duty!” The soldier saluted and muttered a frantic assent. The Leutnant left his office and strolled towards Nell who remained rigid. He stopped in front of her, with an air of pleasant curiosity.
“You interest me, Fraulein” he remarked idly.

 


#175:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 3:14 am


Very brave Nell - but a big mistake. Crying or Very sad

Glad she knows that Hilda and co have escaped.

Thanks Cath.

 


#176:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 7:51 am


Oh, Nell, where is Hilda when you need her to help you control your temper? Next time, think what she would have said. But then, on the other hand, she would have been as keen as you to protect the woman, wouldn't she?

Please don't let this man be too *interested* in Nell. We know where that will lead. Crying or Very sad

Thanks, Cath

 


#177:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 8:49 am


Thank you Cath. Poor Nell - very brave but she needs to start listening to the voice of caution...or does she? Would we think less of her if she didn't stand up to the bullies despite knowing what might come of it?

 


#178:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 12:57 pm


ohhhh Nell, so brave but really that wasn't wise.

 


#179:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:10 pm


Now that this is happening, I'm reading this with real trepidation. It's so realistic, it's worrying.

 


#180:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:37 pm


I wonder how the woman knew that everyone from the school had escaped safely. I'm glad the man in charge got told off but I'm worried about what's going to happen to Nell.

 


#181:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:48 pm


Brave but not a wise move - but you wouldn't be you if you hadn't acted the way you did!

I, too am interested that the other woman knew everyone was away from the Sonnalpe and the school safely - at least Nell knows Hilda is safe - which is more than Hilda would know about Nell at this stage!

Thanks Cath.

 


#182:  Author: MiriamLocation: Jerusalem, Israel PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 9:20 pm


This woman sounds as though she could have some problem with her lungs - she is short of breath and coughing quite a bit. that could mean she had been visiting the San, and would know what had happened there. The school was right next to thte San at the end of it's time in Tyrol, and people who knew about the one probably knew about the other. If someone had seen them going, it would have been fairly obvious from their manner whether they were going home safley or under arrest.

 


#183:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 9:59 pm


Thanks Cath

Glad Nell wasn't going to let the other woman get bullied, but wibbling rather about what might happen next!

Liz

 


#184:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:44 am


And some more....

At his words, Nell caught her breath in dread, but did not move or speak. Leutnant Bhaer looked at her, a cold smile playing across his features.
“You may continue with your work….for the moment,” he said, and returned to his office. Shaking, Nell sank to her knees, and picked up her scrubbing brush. She did not look up at the guard. Behind her, a soft voice said, “Thank you. You were foolish, but thank you.”
“What else could I do?” Nell replied quietly. “He was hurting you.”
“Not many would have defended me,” came the response. “These days, it is safer to look away. And now, the Leutnant will remember you, and that is not good.”
“I think he would have done that anyway,” muttered Nell grimly.

Despite the suggestion implicit in Leutant Bhaer’s final words, Nell remained undisturbed for the rest of the day. She was ,however, acutely aware of the overt scrutiny of both the Leutnant and the guard – the one amused, the other plainly angry - and as the day wore on she grew more and more uneasy. She also found the work exhausting, especially as the food provided consisted only of soup, bread and coffee. By the time she was returned to her room in the late afternoon, she was trembling with exhaustion, her ribs and chest were sore and her headache had intensified. She dragged herself over to the bed and fell into a heavy sleep.
Late that night she was woken by the sound of stumbling footsteps and two laughing slightly slurred voices.
“Is this the one you meant?”
“Yes, the English woman. Do you have the key?”
By now Nell was fully awake and listening tensely, fear curdling through her again. Suddenly the door opened, a torch flashed in her face and hands seized her, pushing her back against the plank bed. She screamed as a drunken voice said,
“Guard the door Franz, and then it will be your turn.” There was a hand covering her mouth, a heavy body pressing her into the bed, her clothes were tearing … she bit at the smothering hand and pushed desperately at the man’s shoulders, but he simply shifted his grip and held her more tightly.
“Come and hold her Franz –she’s a fighter!”
“NO, NO, NO!” she shrieked silently as a second pair of hands grabbed her, and suddenly, there was light in the room and the Leutnant was in the doorway, looking at the scene with an air of profound distaste.
“What is the meaning of this?”

 


#185:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 1:46 am


Oh-oh, I wouldn't like to be the two men when the Lieutenant has finished with them - but more ominously, I bet he had designs on Nell for his own satisfaction.....!

This gets more powerful as it unfolds, Cath - and I'm sure it is hard to write about.

 


#186:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 7:03 am


Oh dear, poor Nell. I do hope that that is the last time she is troubled in this particular way. hammer lets have all 3 of the men under that, just to keep them occupied so they cant hurt Nell any more. Other ominous thing is could it possilby be these ladies Nell was referring to when she talked ab out people beign shot in the garden?

Thanks Cath

 


#187:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 9:12 am


Thanks Cath

 


#188:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 10:50 am


Thanks for the update.

Oh dear, poor Nell! I do hope she manages to get away soon, but I'm afraid of the dark she'll see before she does.

 


#189:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 1:56 pm


I feel so sorry for Nell and all the other women.

 


#190:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 7:31 pm


Horrible - and so realistic. Also wonder if the other women are the ones that are shot.

Thank you Cath.

 


#191:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:22 pm


Poor Nell. Crying or Very sad Is it a question of out of the frying pan into the fire? I do hope not, Cath.

It all still sounds very, very ominous all round. Crying or Very sad

 


#192:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 10:27 pm


Wibbling in a corner


Poor Nell and poor Hilda having to listen to this and knowing she wasn't there to help her

 


#193:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 12:17 am


Thank you for your comments. Yes, it is rather hard to write, although oddly that bit came without too many problems. Some of the quieter stuff needs a lot more work to get the tone right.
And some more...


Nell felt herself released with incredible suddenness, as both guards reacted instantly to the Leutnant’s query. She breathed deeply, coughed, rolled over and lifted her head to see the furious Leutnant glaring at two guards, both of whom were saluting and staring hard at the wall. One of them was the guard whom she had encountered that morning.
“Is this the behaviour expected of soldiers of the Reich?” asked the Leutnant softly. One man shook his head, and the other muttered something that might have been “No, Herr Leutnant.” The Leutnant spoke very slowly and clearly.
“You are drunk. You are ill-disciplined. You are a disgrace to the Reich. You will report to your barrack sergeant immediately, and remain confined to barracks for forty-eight hours. You will then report to me. Dismiss.” Still saluting, both soldiers left the room and disappeared down the corridor. The Leutnant turned towards Nell,
“Fraulein, I apologise for the boorish behaviour of these men. They will be disciplined. This behaviour on the part of ordinary soldiers will not be tolerated.” Cautiously, Nell started to turn and sit up, then grabbed at her dress as she realised the extent to which it was torn.
“I will ensure that fresh clothing is provided for you. Do not be concerned; you will not be troubled by these guards again.” He turned and left the room; Nell remained quite still until the door was locked behind him, then she lay down again trembling. Hot tears ran down her face and her whole body shook in fear.
“Oh God,” she murmured, “Please help me.”
Nell did not succeed in sleeping again until just before dawn; every faint sound, every footstep, every creak of wood, found her sitting up listening, sweating with fear. Finally, she was so exhausted that sleep overcame her for an hour; however, even then terror stalked her dreams and when she awoke, it was from nightmares of pursuing friends whom she could not catch, while grasping hands reached out at her. As the light strengthened, Nell paced endlessly up and down the room, calling on a God who now seemed increasingly remote.
At first, this day followed a similar pattern to the one before. Two guards escorted the women downstairs (one of them had handed Nell the clothing promised by the Leutnant and waited outside while she changed) and then they began their task of cleaning and scrubbing. Nell looked around for the dark-haired woman, but she was nowhere to be seen, and when she asked another prisoner where she was the woman simply shrugged. Nell did not ask again, instead concentrating on the mechanical task of scrubbing each patch of floor. She found the regular rhythm of the task oddly soothing and slowly began to calm down. She was very careful not to draw attention to herself at all, ignored the soldiers and officials passing by, and made no attempt to talk to any of the other women. She had almost finished cleaning her allotted patch of hallway, when she became aware that a soldier had halted in front of her. Slowly she raised her head.
“The Herr Leutnant wishes to speak with you now. You will come with me to his office.” Carefully, Nell got up, fear coursing through her again.

 


#194:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 12:47 am


Oh, oh -why do I sense a cliff? That summons sounds ominous to say the least, Cath.

 


#195:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 4:17 am


Poor Nell, even her Faith is being challenged. Crying or Very sad

Thank you Cath.

 


#196:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 8:37 am


Poor Nell. Thank you Cath.

 


#197:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 8:51 am


Oh dear, that does sound ominous. I'm hoping that he will help Nell, but I suspect greatly that such hope is in vain!

 


#198:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 8:57 am


Poor Nell - oh dear, I am wibbling quite a lot now ! Sad

Thanks Cath

 


#199:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:19 am


What a traumatic episode for Nell, not least in all the awful feelings it leaves her with, including trying to find the God she had always trusted.

*wibbling* with the rest here. Is the Lieutenant the cat toying with the mouse still or has he some other motive for sending for her?

 


#200:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 12:26 pm


I hope Nell will be ok.

 


#201:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 12:58 pm


Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#202:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 2:03 pm


Joins the wibblers.

 


#203:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 1:24 am


And some more...


Two minutes later, she was sitting in Leutnant Bhaer’s office as she had done two days previously. The guard had been dismissed, and the Leutnant was signing the last of a large number of pieces of paper. He assembled them into a neat pile, steepled his hands on top of them and stared at Nell.
“Well Fraulein, I believe it would now be beneficial to continue with our discussion. You have had plenty of time in which to realise your position, and I am interested to know whether or not you have anything to say to me.” Nell pressed her lips together and said nothing.
“No? Perhaps it would encourage you to speak if I were to give you an account of what my men found yesterday morning? The dogs were successful in tracking your friends along what was evidently a well-used route – perhaps one used by smugglers in the past?” Nell listened in increasing horror and despair as he continued,
“I am sorry to say that this route will be unuseable in the foreseeable future, and I am ensuring that everyone in the local community is well aware of the penalties for assisting foreign law-breakers. Now, do you have anything to add to this?” Nell looked at him, despairing and confused. What had happened to the others? Were they dead? Or were they prisoners? What should she say? She looked desperately round the room, but found no help anywhere. The Leutnant continued to look at her questioningly and the threatening silence intensified until Nell felt ready to scream in misery and frustration. Finally, the Leutnant spoke in a tone of light amusement.
“You do make this difficult for yourself, don’t you Fraulein? I would have expected you to be much more sensible – after all, Fraulein Annersely was most cooperative, and it would be much easier for you if you were to follow her example.” The mention of Hilda was completely unexpected, and again Nell experienced that little jolt of angry suspicion – what had Hilda said? And why? Suddenly she spoke.
“Where are the others? What have you done with them?” The Leutnant smiled coldly.
“No, no, I do not give information without some exchange – and please remember that here I ask the questions and you will answer them. You are in no position to demand anything.” Nell made no reply to this, but sat staring down at her tightly clasped hands. The Leutnant stood up, walked over to the window and looked out, considering. Finally, he turned,
“Fraulein, I really do not feel that you appreciate the seriousness of your position. I think it is time for you to learn what happens to those who offend the Greater Reich, and its representatives. I hope that you will ponder well upon this.” He summoned the guard and indicated to Nell that she should rise.

 


#204:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 1:53 am


I knew if I waited long enough before closing off for the night (it's close to 10 pm here) I'd find your next bit, Cath.

Leutenant Bhaer really does know how to apply the screws, doesn't he - good for Nell for not letting him break her. I just hope she can continue to withstand his efforts, even though she can't help but be worried about the others.

As for his trying to make her believe Hilda would have betrayed her.....!

 


#205:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 3:55 am


Nasty, evil man. Especially in allowing Nell to think Hilda would betray her - courage Nell.

*Wonder what the Leutnant has to show her - worries*

 


#206:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 6:55 am


Poor Nell. She is doing very well, but that man fume

Thanks Cath

 


#207:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 7:24 am


Thanks Cath

Poor Nell - I hope she can get away before much longer

Liz

 


#208:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 8:19 am


And she had thought they were safe, from what others had said. Crying or Very sad All of a sudden she's back to worrying about them and wondering what Hilda has done.

Oh Nell, trust your instincts, even if you do feel ill and afraid. Hilda would never betray you, any more than you would her.

Please, Cath, escape would be good at this point! Shocked

 


#209:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 8:46 am


Thank you Cath. Poor Nell, it must be so difficult to believe in Hilda when she doesn't know what has happened and where everyone is and shes felling frustrated, angry, ill, confused and scared.

 


#210:  Author: SusanLocation: Carlisle PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 2:26 pm


Have just caught up with all of this Cath. It is a very dark, disturbing but compelling drabble.

Nell do not let that horrible man break you - please realise that the way he is treating you means that what he is implying is untrue.

Is this the point where she sees the bodies in the garden?

I can quite understand Nell's reaction to Jem now, both to his remark and to his stopping Hilda visiting her. This also explains why she thinks Hilda will report her every word to Jem. She sees him as that scumbag Bhaer.

 


#211:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 9:50 pm


I'm glad I know that everyone else is safe.

 


#212:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 11:31 pm


oh poor poor Nell

to live through what she's living through, not knowing whether the others were alive or dead, whether she would see any of her friends again - small wonder she was traumatised.

 


#213:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:35 am


Thank you everyone. This next bit is longer, but the Voice informed me that this was the way it had to be.. and who am I to disagree with Nell?


Nell did as she was bidden, and followed the guard out of the room. To her surprise, she was not taken back to either the scrubbing detail or her room; instead, she found herself being taken outside into the garden. She looked around in sudden pleasure; after the rain of yesterday, the sun was shining and a soft breeze blew. Nell ran her fingers through her hair and turned to face the breeze; it was lovely to be outdoors, although she had no idea why they had left the house. Despite everything her spirits lifted. The guard gestured towards the end of the garden and Nell realised that there was a small door in the wall.
“Do I go in here?’ she asked uncertainly. The guard nodded, Nell opened the door cautiously and went through.
“It is beautiful, is it not?” said the Leutnant’s voice softly behind her. Startled,Nell looked around and found that she was in a walled garden filled with roses; as she watched, the Leutnant examined a perfect yellow rose, which he picked with an appreciative smile. The air was heavy with the scent of roses and Nell was reminded of the garden at the School. Then the Leutnant spoke again, dragging her back to the present,
“You will watch, Fraulein, and you will listen, but you will not speak – you are here to learn.”
Suddenly she noticed several soldiers standing at one end of the garden; they were all holding rifles and puzzled she swung around and saw three men standing against the far wall, their arms bound with cords. Utter horror and disbelief stilled her as she realised what was about to happen. She moved forward, but the Leutnant seized her arm roughly and halted her. She wanted to look away, but stood helplessly transfixed as the scene unfolding burned itself into her mind. Time slowed to a trickle as she saw (but did not see) two guards move away from the three men. She heard (but did not hear) the orders shouted. Then came a brief stuttering burst of rifle fire and the figures dropped, like puppets falling.

The sun was still shining and the scent of roses still drifted on the air; the bodies had gone and the only signs that anything untoward had occurred were the small splashes of blood on the wall and the grass. The Leutnant had released her arm, and moving like a sleepwalker, Nell went to the wall, extended her hand and touched the bloodstains. Then she turned her hand over and regarded her scarlet-tipped fingers with a remote curiosity.
“What did they do?” she whispered finally, forgetting that she was here to witness and not question. “They were Jews.” the Leutnant responded indifferently. “Yes, but….but what did they do?” “They were Jews.” he repeated, as he walked towards her. Nell stared at him, refusing to accept what he had said. Heated slaying in a riot, yes, but this cold ordering of death? He continued calmly, uttering words that she had heard once before in another life,
“Jews do not deserve to live. Let that be sufficient.” Nell shook her head in dazed horror, but his stiffened in terror at his next calm question.
“And your friends, Fraulein? Do they deserve to live?”
“You would not - ” she choked out appalled. His face was calmly amused, as he watched her intently.
“Well, that depends, Fraulein.” He slipped his hand under her chin and tilted Nell’s face up, running his thumb caressingly down her cheek, “To save your friends, Fraulein, what would you do?”

She never knew how she had got back inside the house or how long she had been there, but suddenly it was night and moonlight silvered the floor of the room. All she could see were the three men falling endlessly as the Leutnant’s words circled endlessly in her mind, mocking and tormenting her.
“Jews do not deserve to live….your friends….do they deserve to live? What would you do? Jews do not….your friends….deserve to live…what would you do? Your friends…what would you do? What would you do? What would you do? ”
“Be quiet!” she screamed suddenly. “Go away!” But now it was not the three strangers in the garden that she saw, but familiar faces, Jo, Jack, Robin, Hilary…. “What would you do? What would you do?”
“Help me” she pleaded, but there was no answer, other than that insistent voice.
“This is Hell” she whispered in agony, “And I can’t even pray any more.”

 


#214:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:39 am


Oh poor poor Nell. Cath, your writing is so powerful. I am literally in tears. Thank you.

 


#215:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 1:17 am


Quote:
What would you do? Jews do not….your friends….deserve to live…what would you do? Your friends…what would you do? What would you do? What would you do? ”

“This is Hell” she whispered in agony, “And I can’t even pray any more.”
[/quote]

But it *was* Hell, and things like this *did* happen, which is one of the reasons why those who survived could not tell their stories for so long - they could not understand why they could live while so many died for the simple 'crime' of being Jews.

Poor Nell - even though we know that Hilda, Joey and the others did escape, she certainly didn't know that at this juncture. And the lieutenant's attitude just makes my skin creep.

Episodes like this are certainly the stuff which nightmares are made of - with each incident, we understand better just why Nell is reacting as she does at the beginning of this story.

Very powerfully written, Cath - if I feel as if I've been put through the emotional wringer just reading it, you must feel even more so.

 


#216:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:47 am


As Nell says, Hell, and the casual indifference from the Leutnant is so chilling. Cath this is heart rending.

 


#217:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:38 am


Crying or Very sad - Thanks Cath. Poor Nell, how awful for her. Oh well, I guess that is who they shot in the garden. And that is definately what is hurting her even now. *would comfort Nell if she could, but knows that is impossible*.

 


#218:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:28 am


The contrast between the beautiful garden and the roses and the scene unfolding before her is another addition to the cruelty!

Thanks Cath

Liz

 


#219:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 10:55 am


Shocked

 


#220:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:14 am


Pure Hell, Nell, we all agree. And God would not expect any other reaction from you. He understands. He IS there, Nell, you just can't see Him in your utter shock and fear.

The mind shudders at what exactly the Lt would ask her to do to save *the others* - who we of course know are safe. No wonder her mind shut down.

As Elder says, too many people were put in this situation, and indeed are still being put in this situation in other parts of the world, killed in cold blood for some twisted reason.

 


#221:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:31 am


Thanks Cath. So chilling and yet so beautifully written.

 


#222:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:34 am


These events were shocking. I can't begin to think of other words to describe them.

 


#223:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:47 am


So shocking, it must have been appalling for poor Nell. The feeling that everyone, even God has deserted her must have devastated her.

 


#224:  Author: SusanLocation: Carlisle PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:44 pm


Thank you Cath. One almost can't bear reading it but has to to see what happens to Nell.

Very powerful and must have happened to lots of other people, sadly.

Poor Nell no wonder she reacted so badly to Jem and Hilda.

 


#225:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 2:29 am


A slight respite..., for which both she and I are grateful.

That night passed wrenchingly slowly; at times Nell was convinced that morning would never come, that she would be trapped forever in a despairing darkness, haunted by that incessant chilling question. She sat, huddled and desolate, staring at the window seeking for the first signs of dawn. Finally, the first glimmer of day appeared, and as the sun advanced up the sky, an exhausted Nell managed to shut out the Leutnant’s words and forced herself to think of other happier things. She remembered the sheltered time of her childhood – “so safe and blessed” she thought, and her father – a small man, but with the same quick temper and resentment of injustice that she had. “Always defend the wronged, Nell,” he had said once, “but try to do it with words, rather than blows – if you can.” That had been the day after she had fought the grocer’s delivery boy in the street for beating his pony unmercifully. She had made his nose bleed, she remembered, and been sent to bed for unladylike behaviour. Her mother and Cherry had been much less volatile, but had supported both Nell and her father in their various crusades over the years. She had tried to subdue her temper after she had painfully learned that she could hurt others without meaning to, but had not been very successful. Sometimes, of course it did not matter; she remembered the brief fiery squabbles that she and Con had enjoyed and that had so frequently entertained the rest of the staff. But on other occasions, it had been disastrous, and there had been only one person who had possessed the ability to calm her before the hot words could be said. She remembered her first meeting with the new English mistress, whose grey-blue eyes had made her feel so oddly safe and comforted.
And now that was all finished. “Where did I go wrong?” she murmured. “What did I do that I am here?” Smiling wryly, she answered her own question. “It doesn’t matter, because I wouldn’t change anything.” She thought of Hilda again and an aching sadness gripped her. Then even that passed, and slowly a cold emptiness filled her.
She was not surprised when, that morning, she was left alone. She heard the sounds of the other women leaving their rooms, and then quietness returned. It was so quiet that she could hear the sounds of the town, faintly muted, but still recognisable. A little after ten o’clock, she was summoned to the Leutnant’s office. An extraordinary icy calm possessed her. Her decision was made.

 


#226:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 2:45 am


Decision? what decision? A lovely respite interlude, which, I agree is a relief but what an ending!!

Hope you won't keep us waiting too long for the next bit, Cath - yes, I know, you only posted this bit half an hour ago!!!

Thank you, though, it's as good as ever.

 


#227:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 6:10 am


So glad Nell was able to find some respite.

Thanks Cath.

 


#228:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 6:54 am


Thank you for another update, Cath. It seems strange to think of Nell making anyone's nose bleed!

 


#229:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 7:10 am


That was a lovely respite. *thinks... Hmmmm... The decision could be how much she is actually going to say to the lutenant. After all, it is something to do with him.*

 


#230:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 8:47 am


What an emotive depiction of Nell's character! Beautiful!

But please God the *icy decision* does NOT bring her more suffering.

 


#231:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 9:58 am


Thanks Cath - lovely picture of Nell as a fiery child Very Happy

Liz

 


#232:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 10:03 am


Lovely, Cath. Thank you. Kiss

 


#233:  Author: LyanneLocation: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 10:57 am


Cath, this must be so draining for you to write.

 


#234:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 1:44 am


Some more...sorry for the delay, the balance was hard to find with this, and I am finding it tiring.


By the time she reached Leutnant Bhaer’s office, Nell felt strangely detached from her surroundings. It almost seemed as if she were standing outside herself, watching as she walked slowly toward a meeting that would overwhelm everything that she had ever valued. And yet, what else could she do? “Courage, Nell,” she murmured, and walked with cold dignity down a hallway that suddenly seemed to stretch forever. Together, she and the guard halted outside Leutnant Bhaer’s office. The guard knocked, the door opened, and the Leutnant’s voice commanded her to come in. She did as she was bidden.
As before, the Leutnant was seated at his desk, writing. He waved her towards a chair, and Nell sat down, clasping her hands in her lap to still their sudden shaking. The Leutnant ignored her, continuing to write, and still with that same strange feeling of detachment, Nell contemplated her hands. “Why am I shaking?” she wondered. “I don’t feel anything, so why am I shaking?” Finding no answer to her question, she pushed the problem away from her and stared at the wall. Suddenly, her world had narrowed to this room, this man and the next few moments. Beyond that there was nothing.
She focused on a small oil painting that glowed gently above the filing cabinet. “Dutch interior,” she noted mechanically, and then became aware that the Leutnant had finished writing and was now moving around the desk towards her. Her heart crashed in her chest, and she found it increasingly difficult to breathe. Somewhere inside her a voice was still murmuring, “What would you do? What would you do?” She looked up, and met the Leutnant’s intent gaze. “He knows!” she thought despairingly, and involuntarily shuddered. Then he spoke, and her world shivered to pieces.
“Ah, Fraulein Wilson, I have some news that will be of great interest to you.” Nell sat straighter, her hands still clasped tightly, bracing herself for his question. “You will, no doubt, be pleased to learn that you will be leaving us.”
“Leaving?” she gasped. “But…”
“But yes,” he continued smoothly. “The British Consul in Vienna was most concerned to find that a British subject has inadvertently mislaid her travel documents, and is therefore the involuntary guest of the authorities in Spartz. A representative will be here soon to deal with the situation. I understand that you will be departing on the express this afternoon.” He glanced briefly at her. Nell shook her head, dazed.
“You seem oddly reluctant to accept this, Fraulein. Do I understand that you wish to stay?”
“But the others….”
“Are no concern of yours now; I will deal with them as I think fit.” Nell swayed slightly as the implications of his words hit her and she sought desperately for words.
“But you said…you suggested….”
“Unfortunately, the circumstances have changed, and while I regret that we cannot pursue our discussion to a mutually beneficial outcome, I am sure that we have both gained much during the last few days. Now, I feel sure that you will wish to prepare yourself for your journey. The guard will escort you to a room where you will find everything that you need.”
By now completely bewildered, Nell got slowly to her feet, and followed the guard to a small room upstairs. It had clearly been a bedroom before the SS had taken possession of the house, and was still equipped with a small sink and mirror. It was also provided with a bolt on the inside of the door. Nell locked the door, and then sank to her knees, as a bitter despair seized her.

 


#235:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 3:35 am


Is this a cruel trick of Bhaer's? Or, if it's genuine, will Nell be able to accept that she has been fortunate, while the other women there are not?

Thanks Cath.

 


#236:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 3:35 am


Not surprising that Nell feels bewildered by this turn of events, especially given the question mark which Bhaer has managed to leave her with over the fate of the rest of her party. I hope it won't be too long before she's reassured - but with all that is happening, it's not surprising she's in such a state when she finally reaches the school.

I'm not surprised you find it tiring to write - but it makes very effective reading. Thanks again.

 


#237:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 7:55 am


I do hope that this isn't a trick.

Thanks Cath *hugs*

Liz

 


#238:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 8:58 am


Shocked

Poor Nell... I hope it's not a trick too. Will Nell leave though or will she want to stay with the others?

 


#239:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 9:32 am


Bitter despair? Oh yes, Nell, if you think the others are still there and you can now offer them nothing to help, there will be VERY bitter despair, having screwed yourself up to the sticking point.

No wonder the fall-out was so terrible later.

Thank you, Cath

 


#240:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 11:11 am


Very chilling, I hope Nell can get through this.

 


#241:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 12:04 pm


Is Nell being released or is she being moved to another camp? I'm sorry this is so tiring for you to write, Cath.

 


#242:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 4:24 am


Some more...


For perhaps three minutes, she crouched on the floor, her arms wrapped around herself for comfort, as she fought to come to terms with what Leutnant Bhaer had said.
“It can’t be!” she said aloud. “He would never let me go as easily as that. I don’t understand. And what about the others?” She remembered Jo’s hug as they had said their hurried goodbye, and tears suddenly choked her. "I can't leave them." Forcing herself to remain calm, she got up and looked around the room. As the Leutnant had promised, there was a neat pile of clothes and washing paraphernalia on the table in the corner. Maybe it was true? Was she being released - or taken somewhere else?
Ten minutes later Nell was ready, apart from tidying her hair. In all that time, she had avoided looking in the mirror, afraid of what she might see. Now she had no choice; steeling herself, she picked up the comb, unplaited her hair and turned toward her reflection. For a few seconds, she stared in shock at the startlingly unfamiliar face. It was not just the extensive bruising, or the black eye, or even the fact the she was noticeably thinner that had distressed her: those would improve. But her hair – because she had not seen it before, she had not realised how much the loss of its rich chestnut colour would alter her. Oddly scared, she touched the white hair; “I look so old,” she thought bitterly. Then, ashamed of her thoughts - what did her appearance matter? - she quickly attended to her hair, turned away from the mirror abruptly, unbolted the door and left the room.
In her absence, Leutnant Bhaer had been joined by a short plump man in his mid-thirties, who clutched a large briefcase in one hand and a sheaf of papers in the other. The expression on his face was determinedly neutral, although alarm flickered momentarily in his eyes as Nell entered the room and the Leutnant performed the necessary introduction.
“Fraulein Wilson, may I present Herr Harding, an official from the British Consulate?” Mr Harding placed the briefcase carefully on the floor, and extended his hand to Nell.
“Miss Wilson, I am delighted to make your acquaintance and to be able to assist you in leaving the country. I do hope that your enforced stay has not inconvenienced you too much.” Mechanically, Nell shook hands and murmured “Good morning,” feeling incapable of further speech at that moment. Inside her, a small cold voice was laughing mockingly. Blushing slightly under the cold regard of the Leutnant, Mr Harding fumbled among his papers, eventually producing a single sheet of paper and a pen.
“On these occasions, Miss Wilson, it’s customary to ask you to sign a declaration confirming that the treatment you received while under the care of the German authorities was satisfactory. Leutnant Bhaer has assured me that he was personally responsible for your welfare, so I assume that there were no difficulties?” Nell stared at the Leutnant for a long moment, then took the paper proffered by Mr Harding and read it, noting absently that it stated that she had not been mistreated or harmed while in custody, and would seek no redress against the legitimate government of the Greater Reich. She signed and Mr Harding pushed the paper over the desk towards the Leutnant.
“Well that seems to be everything, Miss Wilson. Leutnant Bhaer, the Consul is, as ever, grateful for your cooperation in matters of this sort; they can be so difficult to resolve. And now as your time is valuable, we shall be getting along.” Quickly, he got to his feet, and started shepherding Nell towards the door. The Leutnant also rose, and left his desk.
“As you say, Mr Harding, this sort of cooperation can be very satisfactory. And Fraulein Wilson….” He suddenly grasped Nell’s hand and raised it to his lips, ignoring her shocked recoil.
“I regret that we were not able to conclude our discussion satisfactorily. However, I feel sure that you will not forget what you have heard and seen here. Be assured that you take with you my good wishes for the future.” He smiled, kissed Nell’s hand again, caressing it with his thumb as he did so, and then gestured toward the door. She was aware of his gaze following her as she walked with Mr Harding, through the hallway and out into the sunlit street.

 


#243:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 5:52 am


Cath V-P wrote:
He smiled, kissed Nell’s hand again, caressing it with his thumb as he did so, and then gestured toward the door.


Urghh - that actually made my skin crawl.

Thanks Cath.

 


#244:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 7:13 am


*shivers*

So glad Nell is out of there - I hope she is safe from now on Cath, and soon has good news of the others.

Liz

 


#245:  Author: LyanneLocation: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:32 am


Josie wrote
Quote:
Cath V-P wrote:
He smiled, kissed Nell’s hand again, caressing it with his thumb as he did so, and then gestured toward the door.


Urghh - that actually made my skin crawl.

Mine too, I realised I'd started to scratch away the skin from the back of my hand (in time not to do damage, but then, I'm here and not where Nell is).

 


#246:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:43 am


This is so cleverly done, Cath. I'm so glad that Nell is away from that odious evil man but clearly she will have a long time of more hurt until she can come to terms with what has happened.

I hope Bhaer comes to a sticky end - I wish I could have five minutes alone with him! Mad

 


#247:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:45 am


But he has left her with so many unanswered questions and with a feeling of total shock and bitterness. Poor Nell - events have happened too swiftly for her to recover her equilibrium.

And why did that Consul look alarmed when Nell came in? Shock at her injuries? Realisation he should have done more? Or something else?

Are we now about to see the beginning of the fall-out for Nell?

Thanks, Cath

 


#248:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:53 am


I felt so mad for Nell that she had to sign a piece of paper to say she won't sue anyone. I suppose it did secure her release though.

 


#249:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 2:07 pm


what a creep....*shivers*

Poor poor Nell, having to go through that. And she's not really safe even now

 


#250:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 7:44 pm


Mia wrote:
I hope Bhaer comes to a sticky end - I wish I could have five minutes alone with him! Mad


Mia - Lt Bhaer does come to a sticky end - but not until 1944.

Cath that was so horrible - evil man!!! Evil or Very Mad

Thank you.

 


#251:  Author: PatLocation: Doncaster PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 8:27 pm


Lesley wrote:
Mia wrote:
I hope Bhaer comes to a sticky end - I wish I could have five minutes alone with him! Mad


Mia - Lt Bhaer does come to a sticky end - but not until 1944.

Cath that was so horrible - evil man!!! Evil or Very Mad

Thank you.


Well you should know Lesley! Laughing

 


#252:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 2:06 am


Thank you for your responses. Some more....


Once outside, Nell stopped, bewildered and afraid. Mr Harding gently took her by the arm, ignoring her nervous start of alarm.
“I have a car here, Miss Wilson,” he said quietly. “I will take you to Innsbruck and see you safely on to the Paris express. By this evening, you will be travelling through Switzerland.” Nell made no reply, but slowly followed him to the large closed car waiting by the kerb. As he helped her in, she looked around, and remarked inconsequentially,
“You forgot your briefcase.” He looked at her thoughtfully, then replied,
“Don’t worry; it will be returned.”

To Nell, the journey to the station at Innsbruck passed in a blur. Mr Harding did not attempt to find out any details about her captivity, but instead confined the conversation determinedly to remarks about the weather, the sporting news and the difficulties of train travel in Europe. Nell said "Yes," and "No," as necessary, and tried to forget those final few moments with the Leutnant. On arrival at the station, Mr Harding dealt swiftly with necessary formalities, and settled Nell in a compartment on the train.
“I intend to stay until the train departs and you are safely on your way,” he remarked. Then, ignoring her thanks, he produced a small basket and a flask.
“Sandwiches, fruit and coffee,” he continued. “I would recommend that you stay in here until the train reaches the border. Travel can be very - stressful these days.” Making a huge effort, Nell thanked him, but he waved her words aside.
“Not at all, not at all, delighted to have been of assistance. Now, don’t let your documents out of your sight, and I wish you a pleasant journey – ah, it seems that they are ready to depart.” He left the compartment as a warning whistle sounded, and waited on the platform, until the train pulled out of the station.

The first part of the journey was agonisingly slow. Nazi soldiers constantly patrolled the corridors of the train, and every time Nell caught sight of the familiar uniform, her heart gave a painful leap of fear. She was unable to relax at all, and remained sitting stiffly in her seat, her fists clenched and her stomach knotted in terror. Twice the train halted for no apparent reason, and each time, the papers of every passenger were checked. On the second occasion, Nell’s passport was scrutinised for what seems to be hours before it was returned to her, and after that she became aware that she was being covertly observed by the soldiers walking up and down the corridor.

Just before the train reached the Swiss border, it halted for a third time, and once again, the passengers’ passports and other papers were examined. By now, Nell was sick with tension and fear, and a refrain of “He won’t let me go, he won’t let me go, he won’t let me go,” sounded constantly in her head. As before, two soldiers asked her for her documents, and Nell obediently handed them over. One of them looked at her passport, opened the door and addressed an SS official standing in the corridor.
“She is here, Herr Leutnant.”
“Excellent.” Consumed with fear, Nell stood up, expecting to see Leutnant Bhaer and awaiting the words that would snatch her back to Hell. Instead she saw a stranger.
“Leutnant Bhaer wishes to be remembered to you, Fraulein Wilson,” he said, and held out a single yellow rose to her. Automatically Nell took it, and the Leutnant departed. The soldiers handed back her papers, the train began to move again, and looking out of the window, Nell saw soldiers hurrying a man and woman along the platform. The woman was carrying a wailing toddler, and the man’s face was bleeding. Nell shuddered and crushed the rose in her hand, ignoring the pain of its thorns. The train gathered speed as it crossed the border. Then a familiar voice spoke,
“Well at last I have found you, Fraulein Wilson.”

 


#253:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 4:53 am


Ooooh a cliff! Wonder where you got the idea for that! Laughing

Horrible, horrible situation for Nell to be in, slightly concerned about Harding and his briefcase.

Thanks Cath.

 


#254:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 9:02 am


Cath V-P wrote:
.”

Nell shuddered and crushed the rose in her hand, ignoring the pain of its thorns.


That sums it all up, Cath. I think at this stage she would be absolutely numb. How to take it all in? What to believe, who to trust?

And am also wondering why he left his briefcase behind and who's, who's is this familiar voice?

 


#255:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 10:46 am


Cath V-P wrote:
The train gathered speed as it crossed the border. Then a familiar voice spoke,
“Well at last I have found you, Fraulein Wilson.”

Hope to god that this is a friend!

Thanks Cath.

 


#256:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 11:36 am


Oh no; who's the voice? I both love and loathe cliffs!

I do hope it's someone nice!

 


#257:  Author: CathLocation: Coventry PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 12:08 pm


I can't believe I've missed so much of this!

Poor Nell Crying or Very sad Who is the voice? Thanks Cath

 


#258:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 3:58 pm


Thanks Cath

Poor Nell, she's gone through so much so...

Please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice, please a friendly voice




Please, please, please Cath

Liz

 


#259:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 4:51 pm


I also hope it will be a friendly voice and Nell will get to safety as quickly as possible.

 


#260:  Author: DawnLocation: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 5:00 pm


(((Cath)))))

and thankyou for posting so much when it is so hard

 


#261:  Author: LyanneLocation: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 7:27 pm


Even if it is a friendly voice, Will MISS Wilson believe the speaker to be frienldy & trustworthy? Most of the people who know her call her Miss Wilson, irrespective of their own nationality.

MaryR is
Quote:
also wondering why he left his briefcase behind

i thought he had left it on purpose.

 


#262:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 1:45 am


Ok, well, patience is sometimes rewarded..Very Happy



Shaking her head in disbelief, Nell swung round. Standing at the door of the compartment was the last person she had expected to see. Breathing hard, she clutched at the window frame to steady herself and stared in amazement at the elderly man smiling at her. Stars whirled in front of her, and a brassy taste filled her mouth.
“Herr Anserl, it can’t be you,” she whispered as her world grew dark and she heard a faint voice exclaim,
“God in heaven, what has happened to you?”

Slowly, Nell realised that she was sitting down and that Herr Anserl was supporting her. She felt sick and breathless and her whole body was trembling uncontrollably. She looked up and suddenly, horribly, it was not the gruff kindly Herr Anserl, but Leutnant Bhaer who was leaning over her. She stiffened in panic and tried to pull away from the hands that were holding her.
“No, no, let me go!” she cried, and with that the image of Bhaer faded, and she was back in the compartment of a train that was travelling through Switzerland. Herr Anserl was patting her shoulder, awkwardly.
“I think you should have some coffee,” he said firmly, and unscrewed the lid of the flask.

The coffee revived Nell and she even succeeded in eating one of the sandwiches that Mr Harding had provided. Then unable to wait any longer, she turned to Herr Anserl.
“How did you get here?” she asked. “How did you find me?” Herr Anserl smiled.
“I have been here on the train since it left Vienna,” he replied, “but we decided that it would be safer for you if I left you alone until we were over the Swiss border.”
“How – how did you know where I was?”
“I saw you the night that you were taken to the SS headquarters; you walked up the steps and the lamplight shone on your face. I was on the other side of the street, and I recognised you then.” Nell looked at him in amazement.
“But what could you do?”
“Well, child, an old man can walk unnoticed where the young are marked. I went straight to the American, Herr Flower – I knew he was still in Innsbruck - and we devised a way to get you out. It took time, of course, to arrange matters with the Consulate in Vienna.”
“The Consulate?”
“Well, we needed a passport for you – and we also needed someone to act for us. Herr Harding was very useful, was he not?”
“I don’t understand,” said Nell helplessly. “How could you get me out? Leutnant Bhaer -”
“A thoroughly evil young man – but that meant he could be bought. It was just a question of finding out how much he required. Once we knew that, then the rest was easy, but we were worried that we might not be in time to save you from much hurt – or worse.” His face was suddenly anxious, as Nell looked down at her hands and was silent. There were some things that she could tell nobody – or maybe one person, if she were willing to listen.
“He did beat me,” she murmured finally, “But that was all.” Herr Anserl frowned, but did not press the matter. Gathering her courage, Nell turned towards him and asked the question that had been haunting her.
“Herr Anserl: do you have any news of the others?"

 


#263:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 2:28 am


Quote:
“Well, child, an old man can walk unnoticed where the young are marked.


How right Herr Anserl was - and how wise!

Quote:
but we were worried that we might not be in time to save you from much hurt – or worse.” His face was suddenly anxious, as Nell looked down at her hands and was silent. There were some things that she could tell nobody – or maybe one person, if she were willing to listen.


And we all know who that will be. Hopefully that telling will not now be too long delayed?

Quote:
Gathering her courage, Nell turned towards him and asked the question that had been haunting her.
“Herr Anserl: do you have any news of the others?"


Please let Herr Anserel be able to reassure her that they are safe.

Thank you for another lovely piece, Cath - it's good to know that Nell is finally on her way to safety - and about the machinations which were undertaken on her behalf by various people.

 


#264:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:53 am


Ah, the mystery of the briefcase explained.

Hope Nell can be quickly reassured about the others. Remember that this is all being told by Nell to Hilda so hope she will soon be comforted.

Thanks Cath.

 


#265:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 7:57 am


Thank you for light in Nells' darkness, Cath.

It shows how much the Chalet School was loved that people were prepared to go to such lengths to free Nell. Deo gratias.

Oh dear though - she would tell Hilda at least, she thinks, but we know that Jem prevented Hilda from saying anything but mere platitudes, saying Nell was not fit to be questioned. A safe haven denied - until too late? Crying or Very sad I do hope not.

Thanks. Cath

 


#266:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 7:59 am


Thank you for light in Nells' darkness, Cath.

It shows how much the Chalet School was loved that people were prepared to go to such lengths to free Nell. Deo gratias.

Oh dear though - she would tell Hilda at least, she thinks, but we know that Jem prevented Hilda from saying anything but mere platitudes, saying Nell was not fit to be questioned. A safe haven for her terrible thoughts will be denied her - until too late? Crying or Very sad I do hope not.

Thanks, Cath

 


#267:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 8:34 am


Thank you Cath

Hurrah for Herr Anserl - I am so glad he set things in motion and saved her and Nell is no longer alone.

Liz

 


#268:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 1:23 pm


So pleased to see Herr Anserl and know that Nell is not alone anymore. I hope he can give Nell the good news she needs to hear.

Thanks Cath, this is amazing

 


#269:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:24 pm


I've just read this through from page 7 - what a terrible ordeal for Nell. Thank you, Cath, that must have been so difficult to write.

 


#270:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:36 pm


I am so glad that Herr Anserl is there for her and that it definitely wasn't a trick when she was set free. Thanks are also sent to Corney's Dad.

 


#271:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:29 pm


Thank goodness for Herr Anserl! Hope he has news of the others!

 


#272:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:56 am


Next part...


Carefully, he possessed himself of her shaking hands. “Yes, I do. We heard two days ago. They are safe – all of them, and have already reached Paris where they have been met by their families.”
“But how is that possible? Leutnant Bhaer told me….” Her voice trailed away as she realised what Herr Anserl’s reply must mean.
“He lied,” she said flatly. “All that time – they were never there, were they?”
“Did he tell you that they were?” Nell considered his question carefully. “He never said that they were not. He let me believe…he implied…all the time, he was…playing.” She shuddered, covering her face with her hands, and whispered, “And he enjoyed it.”
“ But it is over now, child and you are safe.” Nell shook her head hopelessly, and Herr Anserl again peered at her anxiously.
“They were able to evade the soldiers and the dogs by walking up a stream,” he said eventually. “I know that path as well as young Gottfried and I tell you that if you had stayed with them, then you must all have been caught. But your courage gave them their chance. And Gottfried could not return for you – when it was plain that they had escaped, the Nazis, blew up the cliff, blocking the way. It will be long before anyone travels by that path.” He stopped, as it was clear that Nell was not listening. “I think you should try and sleep a little if you can; you are exhausted.” Obediently, Nell curled up, and closed her eyes, while Herr Anserl produced a book from his pocket and apparently gave it his full attention.

Although she had closed her eyes, Nell found it impossible to follow Herr Anserl’s suggestion. She had heard his words, telling her that the others were safe, and while she knew that she should be overjoyed, all she was aware of was the bitter knowledge that Leutnant Bhaer had humiliated and tormented her, to the point that she would have done anything to save her friends – and that it had all been a game, an experiment. His terrifying question “What would you do?” resounded in her mind again; she tried to shake herself free of the thoughts that bedevilled her, but saw only the three men endlessly falling in death. She opened her eyes, but the scenery through which the train was passing was not there for her – she was back in that room where there was only moonlight and a decision to be made. “No,” she murmured, and shaking her head to clear it, glanced at Herr Anserl. Terror caught her, as for a brief moment, the gruff old man was gone, and Leutnant Bhaer was there, smiling at her mockingly.
“No,” she whimpered, and the old man dropped his book, catching her by the shoulders, and saying urgently,
“Come back, child; you are safe now.” Dully, Nell gazed at him, “Where am I? ” she breathed

 


#273:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:28 am


Clearly this waking nightmare is going to haunt Nell for a long time to come; thank goodness Herr Anserl is able to assure her that the others are safely in Paris, though.

Cath, to say this scene is beautiful would not be right - yes, it is beautifully written, but the story you tell is haunting, scary, and could so easily have happened in real life, which makes it even more frightening. Your description of Nell's experience when she 'tried' to sleep literally gave me goose-bumps.

And yet, it all serves to remind us why we, none of us, should never forget what happened during this period and I only hope that in the end, Nell is able to come to terms with what happened to her. I think I have said this before, but thank you for having the courage to tell this tale.

 


#274:  Author: LyanneLocation: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:53 am


Quote:
all she was aware of was the bitter knowledge that Leutnant Bhaer had humiliated and tormented her, to the point that she would have done anything to save her friends

So she has not only to come to terms with what happened and what she saw, but with what she was prepared to do.

 


#275:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 10:12 am


[quote="Elder in Ontario"]....but the story you tell is haunting, scary, and could so easily have happened in real life, which makes it even more frightening. [quote]

It DID happen in real life, though, didn't it, to so many people. People were not just killed, but humiliated, tortured, tricked, all for the inquisitor's own amusement - to reduce people's dignity and humanity. And it worked!

How will Nell ever be able to make others, even Hilda, understand anything of what she went through, of what she might have worked herself up to do to save them? It is so unimaginable if you have not been there.

And to think Jem stopped her from pouring it all out early on to Hilda, which is when she most needed to do it.

Thanks, Cath, as always.

 


#276:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 10:35 am


Glad all the others are safe, but poor Nell! The horrors she's seen, thetirals she's experienced... it's no wonder she was feeling the strain!

 


#277:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 10:42 am


Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

Poor Nell, hope she can find some peace eventually...

Elder in Ontario wrote:
Cath, to say this scene is beautiful would not be right - yes, it is beautifully written, but the story you tell is haunting, scary, and could so easily have happened in real life, which makes it even more frightening. Your description of Nell's experience when she 'tried' to sleep literally gave me goose-bumps.


I can only echo this

 


#278:  Author: JennieLocation: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:28 am


Poor, poor Nell. What a lot to have to relive in dreams.

 


#279:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:12 pm


I'm glad Nell now knows everyone was safe but I wish the Lieutenant hadn't played those tricks.

 


#280:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:13 am


The rest of the journey...

Herr Anserl gave her a little shake, and Nell blinked in shock. “I – I’m sorry,” she stammered, looking around her in panic.
“It is alright, my child, you are safe,” he repeated and Nell’s face relaxed slightly. “Sit down and have some more coffee,” he suggested. “It will help – and if there is anything that you want to say to me-”
“No!”
“Very well.” He spread out his hands in a gesture of conciliation. “Here is your coffee.” Nell took the cup, but found that she was shaking too much to be able to drink easily. She choked some of the hot coffee down, but found that it tasted unbearably bitter. Suddenly, she realised that the compartment was darkening, and that Herr Anserl had gone.
“Come back! Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me!” She jumped up, and the coffee splashed her hand, scalding her. And then it was light again, and Herr Anserl was holding her as she struggled.
“Talk to me,” she begged him. “Please talk to me.” Herr Anserl released her and patted the seat beside him.
“You will sit here,” he said, “And I will tell you of how life was when I was a small boy in Innsbruck sixty years ago, when the wolves roamed in winter, and summer was a golden delight, and my grandmother told me stories of the fairy folk. And then I will tell you of Vienna, the glittering city of the Hapsburgs before the War, where music was breathed in with the air. I will talk to you until we reach the end of our journey, and if you sleep, I will watch over you. And I promise you that you will reach Paris safely.”
Slowly Nell sat down, clutching the sides of the seat and Herr Anserl began to talk of the little boy who had run about the streets of Innsbruck and grown up to study music in Vienna, that city of magic and wonder….

As he spoke, Nell listened to his words with a fierce concentration, like a child pushing away the terrors of the darkness by staring at the light. However, after some time, her exhausted body defeated her and, despite her best efforts she fell asleep. For a little while, her sleep was untroubled, but then, inevitably she began to dream.
She was back in the Tyrol, and taking one of the summer walks that she and Hilda had so enjoyed. Hilda was not with her, but she knew that if she hurried, she would catch her soon. She caught a glimpse of her on the path ahead, and began to run. “Wait for me!” she called, but the well-known path was changing, and Hilda was gone. She called again, but there was no response, and now the paths were different, shifting under her feet, leading her away from her goal. No matter how hard she struggled, the bushes entangled her, almost as if they had hands. Suddenly she caught a glimpse of blue sky and green grass, and suddenly found herself standing in a small clearing. Hilda was there and so was another shadowy figure beneath the trees. “You did not run fast enough,” said Hilda mockingly, looking at Nell out of ice-blue eyes. “Tell me Nell, to save the others, what would you do?” The shadowy figure applauded. And then they were gone, and a voice was saying,
“Wake up, child, wake up. You are dreaming; it is only a dream and it is gone now.” Then she was back in the train, and Herr Anserl was beside her, talking quietly.

Three hours later, they arrived in Paris. Herr Anserl led her from the train to where Jem Russell was anxiously awaiting their arrival. The noise and bustle of the station had so bewildered Nell that she scarcely responded to his concerned greeting; instead she stood scanning the platform desperately. Then, turning to Jem, she asked,
“Jem, where is Hilda?” Jem looked at her,
“I’m sorry, Nell, she isn’t here. Under the circumstances, we thought that I would be the best person to meet you. I’m sure you’ll see her soon. Now, if you would come with me; we’ve been waiting for you for a long time.” Shaking her head, Nell backed away from him, bumping into Herr Anserl. The old man smiled gently at her and tucked her arm into his, saying,
“I brought you safely this far, and now I will be with you the rest of the way.” He left the platform, Nell accompanying him docilely. Jem followed, frowning.

 


#281:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:35 am


Oh boy, it's certainly going to take time and patience for Nell to recover even a part of her normal equlibrium - not that this should be so surprising, given all she has been through. Perhaps Jem should have brought Hilda to the station in Paris with him - she would still have been in Paris, wouldn't she? Or, thinking back to the very beginning of this, would she already have left? I do realise that most of Nell's experience is being told in retrospect.

I think I can understand why she turned back to Herr Anserl rather than going with Jem himself, though he clearly finds this puzzling - I should think that she's still in such a state that the thought of going with any man younger than Herr Anserl's generation would be enough to remind her of Leutenant Bhaer and his like, and thus to terrify her. I do hope that Jem will understand this when he thinks about it, too.

Please let us see her reunited with Hilda before too long - even though we already know that this wasn't the joyful event it should have been.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#282:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 7:52 am


Agree with Elder - Herr Anserl will represent a 'safe' male - also, the way Jem speaks - always authoritively, giving orders, will trigger memories, whereas Herr Anserl speaks just with respect, but as though Nell were his child.

Hope that relating all this will help Nell and allow her to accept Hilda's love and concern.

Thanks Cath.

 


#283:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:25 am


I'm glad Herr Anserl is there for her.

Thanks Cath

 


#284:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 9:12 am


Thanks Cath. I couldnt keep up with this one properly while I was away, it was far too emotive. Poor Nell. I'm glad she is safe at last. However there is clearly a lot that she still has to work through. I do hope Hilda will be able to help her when we eventually reach that stage again. Its obvious that we are no where near that yet.

 


#285:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 9:19 am


Thank you for all the updates. You're doing really well at writing this story - it must be hard for you.

*Hugs Cath*

 


#286:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:04 am


Thank you Cath. I've just caught up with loads of this - you've captured the esseence of what happened so well, thank you for writing it.

 


#287:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:29 am


[quote="Cath V-P"]
As he spoke, Nell listened to his words with a fierce concentration, like a child pushing away the terrors of the darkness by staring at the light.[quote][color=olive][/color]

I think that line will haunt me, Cath. She will be pushing away the terrors of the dark for a long while.

And how cruel that dream about Hilda. Not what she needed at all. Crying or Very sad

As we know, Jem would not let Hilda discuss anything deep and meaningful with Nell when they DID meet, so he certainly would not have let her do it here. Thank God for Herr Anserl.

 


#288:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:42 pm


Thanks Cath

I am so glad that physcially Nell is in a safe place, I hope she is able to escape mentally and emotionally as well before too long

Liz

 


#289:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:05 am


Next part ; of course, the problem is that a year elapses between Nell's arrival and the CS reopening. And a year can be a very long time.


“And that was really the end of it. Herr Anserl and Jem escorted me to Guernsey, where I apparently spent two weeks in the San. After that, I wandered around various places, and then, as you must be aware, I went straight to my cottage on Dartmoor, where I’ve stayed ever since - oh, apart from Joey’s wedding of course, and that brief visit to London.” Nell finally stopped speaking, almost as if she were a machine that had run down, and Hilda, immobile for the last two hours, finally shifted position. As Nell had talked, the room had darkened steadily but Hilda had not dared to move to switch on a light. Eventually, she had been deeply thankful that night had fallen, and that the tears that had slipped silently down her face had remained hidden – indeed there had been moments when Nell’s pain and grief had been so profound that Hilda had wondered whether she could continue, but the words had come from somewhere, as Nell made a final effort to reach out to someone who might be willing to hear her. Hilda had yearned to hold her and try to comfort her, but had known that Nell was not ready for that.

During the early part of the evening, Nell had paced tensely about the room, but as it grew darker, she had crossed to the window, and was now crouched on the floor, rigid and fearful. Hilda could see the white blur of her face and hair, but her expression remained a blur. “I need to see you,” she thought suddenly, and, turning swiftly, switched on the lamp. Nell jumped and flinched against the light, and Hilda stared at her in silence, seeing to her despair, that familiar cold and bitter expression. “I’ve lost you, Nell,” she thought sadly as the silence lengthened. “Oh, please give me the words to reach her!” Then she knew what she must do.

Getting up, she looked down at Nell, and spoke, almost harshly.
“But it wasn’t the end, was it? It’s been with you ever since, changing and damaging you. And you have got to tell me what it has done to you. No, we are not finished here yet.” Nell jumped to her feet and glared at Hilda, with something that was very close to hatred in her face.
“Leave it Hilda – now you know what happened, so let that be enough! I told you what you wanted, gave you what you asked for…oh God, you left me alone before, please leave me alone now.”
“I can’t, Nell. I have to know – you have to tell me, and you'd better unbderstand that this is the last chance that you will have, because if I walk out of that door, that’s it, and I will accept your resignation as effective immediately.” Nell gasped in shock.
“But you said, that if I told you -”
“But it wasn’t enough, was it? You’ve told me some of it, but there is a lot more. And if you don’t tell me, then you will have no chance of leaving your darkness behind. I cannot leave things like this, Nell.”
“Fine, Hilda. If that’s what you want, I’ll not trouble you; I’ll slide out of your life, and that will be that!” Nell turned towards the window, aware that a little voice in her mind was imploring her to speak to Hilda. “But I can’t! If I do, then she will know everything, and she will know that he won! She will know what I almost became – and that I am not sorry for it.” Glancing back at Hilda, Nell realised that she had not moved; her face was very still, only her mouth betrayed the pain that she was feeling, and her eyes were relentless.
“Well, Miss Wilson?”

 


#290:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:23 am


Quote:
"And if you don’t tell me, then you will have no chance of leaving your darkness behind. "

.... Nell turned towards the window, aware that a little voice in her mind was imploring her to speak to Hilda. “But I can’t! If I do, then she will know everything, and she will know that he won! She will know what I almost became – and that I am not sorry for it.”


This is so powerful, Cath - too many people did bottle up the truth about what happened to them during this period because it was too hard for them to talk about, often to the detriment of their physical and mental health.

Please let Nell respond to that little voice in her mind - she needs to tell Hilda what really happened if she is to have a hope of healing. If she doesn't, the outcome hardly bears thinking about.

Looking forward to the next instalment - all right, I know I'm the first to post on this!

 


#291:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 4:07 am


Speak to her Nell, if you don't you will be lost forever - and she will understand, I promise you.

Powerful stuff. Cath, thank you.

 


#292:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:43 am


Poor Nell - I hope she can overcome her fear and tell everything.

Thanks Cath *hugs*

Liz

 


#293:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:58 am


Yes, Hilda's eyes are relentless, Nell, because relentlessly she is battling for your very soul. She will always forgive, because that is her nature, but you above all she will forgive, if that is what you want, but she will know that really no forgiveness is needed. Be brave, Nell, as brave as she is being here.

Pour it out and receive not just her help, but God's as well.

Thanks, Cath.

 


#294:  Author: JosieLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:59 am


Just caught up on this, Cath.

Echoes the poor Nell's.

Hope she can get the rest out.

Thanks.

 


#295:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:33 am


Please Nell, talk to Hilda!

 


#296:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:36 am


Oh Nell..... Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

 


#297:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:03 am


Poor Nell Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

Please tell Hilda.

Thank you Cath.

 


#298:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:31 am


Phew - powerful stuff. I hope that Nell can respond to that cry. It must be so hard for her to try and relive it all through words, especially if it is still troubling her at night. I'm sure she will be able to respond in some way, at some time, though it may take some time in coming.

Thanks Cath

 


#299:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:34 am


I'm glad Hilda is able to try and get through to Nell. Hilda is a really good friend to Nell.

 


#300:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:44 am


Sorry I'm a bit late today.

Nell stood rigid and silent, with only her tensely clenched hands suggesting the level of turmoil escalating within her. As so often before, fear and guilt overwhelmed the little voice of reason, but this time there was no place to go, nowhere to hide or run to; she dimly recognised that a final refusal now would cost her everything. Biting her lower lip until it hurt, she looked again at Hilda, at those inexorable blue-grey eyes that demanded so much of her, and which she could no longer resist.
“Please tell me, Nell,” Hilda said, as one who would not be denied – and it was too much for her. Shaking and tormented, she gave in, overwhelmed by the emotions ripping her apart.
“NOOOOO!” she screamed into the night. “ No, no, I can’t bear this any more. I didn’t deserve this, nobody deserves this. I’m in a place that you wouldn’t wish to know, and I hope you will never come to. I’ve lost everything I valued, and I don’t even know myself anymore!”
“Is this what you feel now?” Hilda asked, her voice carefully quiet to mask her own pain.
“Now? Now I feel betrayed and angry and…guilty.” And the final unexpected word hung in the night between them. Hilda paused, gathering herself carefully.
“Guilty, Nell? But why would you feel that?”
“Why? Because people died and I could do nothing – they died because I wouldn’t speak. I see them all the time falling so slowly, so slowly. I can see their blood…” Nell’s voice died away, but still Hilda did not move, sensing that Nell was deciding whether to continue, and knowing that if she did not now reveal what tore at her, then she never would. Nell’s gaze was unseeing, focussed far away, and Hilda waited, scarcely breathing, silently imploring her to speak. Then Nell whispered,
“I realised what I could do, would have to do. He asked me, “What would you do?” and I …and I…”
“Tell me Nell,” the quiet voice repeated, and taking a deep breath, Nell faced Hilda. “You know what he implied; I would have done anything for their freedom, or lives, anything. Do you understand me, Hilda?” Hilda stared at Nell’s imploring face and nodded slowly,
“You would have…”
“Shared his bed? Yes . . . but it didn’t end there. He would never have freed me after that, and it might not have been enough. So . . . so I decided I would try to kill him. I would have killed him, somehow, and I can’t be sorry for that decision, I can’t!” She fell silent for a moment, then continued desperately, “And he knew, Hilda, he knew! Just before he told me that I was free, he looked at me, oh, so intently, and he knew. I wanted to die of shame and humiliation, and he was just…amused.”

 


#301:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 8:35 am


*huggles poor Nell*

At least she's talking to Hilda now though.

 


#302:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 8:45 am


Oh poor Nell. Glad she is at last talkign to Hilda about it and hope that will help and the love of her friend will bring her back to a place where she can enjoy life again.

Thank you Cath.

 


#303:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 9:26 am


((((((((((((((Nell))))))))))))))))). What an awful scenario to have gone through. To find how far you are prepared to go for the sake of others, and find that others are laughing at you for that dedication. And coming to that decision must have hurt Nell so much as well. I hope that Hilda can respond so that Nell knows she accepts her as she is.

Thanks Cath

 


#304:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 12:05 pm


Nell, no one will ever blame you for what you were prepared to do. It was war. You were prepared to lay your life on the line to save others, let yourself be humilated, shamed, and maybe in the end shot.

Who could castigate such bravery, Nell? Certainly not Hilda. She cannot know what you went through, but she has empathy and she will never, ever blame you.

Hopefully, now she has released it once, it will cease to hurt quite so much, but of course, being Catholic, the guilt will never go away.

Thank you, Cath. You are going to make Hilda understand, aren't you? Please!!

 


#305:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:17 pm


(((((((Nell))))))

This is so heartbreaking, Cath! Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

but thank you

 


#306:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:24 pm


I'm surprised Nell managed to pull herself together in the end after all she went through. She was definitely a strong lady to be able to carry on teaching after everything that had happened.

 


#307:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:55 pm


Oh Nell, don't feel guilty about how that piece of scum made you feel, you were prepared to do anything to help your friends, be proud.

Cath, please be gentle with her.

 


#308:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:13 pm


Nell really doesn't have anything to reproach herself with - she might have *thought* about killing that scum bag, but she didn't *do* it, did she? And we none of us can say what we might think of doing, or even do, under the sort of duress she was suffering.

Cath, if you love her, be gentle with her and let Hilda be gentle with her- at least she's finally managed to let Hilda know the worst.

 


#309:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 3:35 am


I've just caught up with pages and pages and pages.

Cath this is awesome. So powerful and so real.

I do hope that Hilda can help Nell. 'Cause she can, if Nell will only let her.

 


#310:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:11 am


Unable to stop herself, Hilda moved towards Nell, but recoiled as Nell turned fiercely on her, the terror and guilt that she had fought down for twelve long and lonely months finally refusing to be denied.
“And you wouldn’t even let me speak of it! You let me down – and all the time in that place, I depended on you, I knew you would help me. Even when he told me of your help, I refused to accept it, and tried to trust you! Damn you, that was all I had, and when I came into the light again, you left me alone. Hilda, you all left me alone…” Her voice died away into a sobbing whimper as Hilda again reached out to her, but Nell angrily pushed her away.
“Every day, I see them and I can’t do anything; it’s as if they stand between everything here and me. They are more real than anything that I’ve seen or heard for the last year. It’s as if a grey veil hangs between me and everything else. I can just manage during the day but I have to practise every move, rehearse every speech, try to keep myself sounding normal. And the nights, oh God, the nights! I have nothing left over, and what’s worse, I’m terrified that I’ll stop seeing them, because then I will have forgotten and betrayed them too.” She shook her head, bewildered and staked everything on a last desperate appeal. “I don’t have anything left, Hilda. I’m trapped and there is no way out. I can’t forgive myself for being here, and for what I would have done. Even God has gone from me.”
“No, Nell.” The utter certainty and immediacy of Hilda’s words caught Nell’s attention, and she slowly raised her eyes to Hilda’s face, seeing not the contempt and rejection that she had so dreaded, but only warmth and tenderness. “No, Nell,” Hilda repeated softly. “God is here, and He has always been here for you, and this terror and despair will pass, I promise you. Remember? “The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer”, and when this darkness leaves you, you will find Him there – and He will have been with you all the time.”

 


#311:  Author: LizBLocation: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:30 am


Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

Just caught up on several days worth of this - Thanks Cath this is so beautifully written and heartbreaking.

I hope Hilda can help Nell come to terms with what she was willing to do.

Liz

 


#312:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:53 am


Thank you, Hilda, for not letting her down - and for telling Nell that the God they both know and love will always be there for them, will never let them go, will always forgive them.

Thanks, Cath,

 


#313:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:52 am


Thank you Cath. Poor Nell it really must have felt as though Hilda had deserted her - why did she listen to Jem? How much she must regret it now. Please let Nell recognise the truth in Hilda's words and see God's prescence even through the darkness.

 


#314:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 9:01 am


Oh poor Nell, how awful it must have seemed to have come through something like that, and have her friends desert her, for that is what it must have seemed like. Hopefully she will be able to accept the utter certainty of Hilda, and the love and acceptance she sees in her. Thanks Cath

 


#315:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 9:33 am


((((Hilda and Nell))))

Thanks Cath

 


#316:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 2:16 pm


Poor Nell - as Squirrel said, to have survived her ordeal only to have all her friends, even Hilda, desert her, for that's how it must have appeared to her, must have been so hard on her. For once, I think Jem gave poor advice in forbidding Hilda to try and make her talk earlier.

But at least, she can now see sympathy, not loathing, in Hilda's response, and in the reminder of God's strength and presence. Hopefully she will be able to accept both these things, even if Hilda has to reiterate them a few times, and her healing process can really begin.

Thanks Cath - this is heart-rending, and must be so hard to 'live' whilst you are writing it.

 


#317:  Author: RoseaLocation: Edinburgh PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 2:36 pm


Thank you Cath. I have just caught up on several days of this and it is very powerful and captivating writing.

 


#318:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 2:49 pm


Reading the last update reminded me of the poem 'Footprints' which says that Jesus carries us in times of trouble. He would have carried Nell in times of trouble.

 


#319:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 6:34 pm


Thank you Cath - hope the warmth and tenderness nell can see will help her to heal.

Also hope Hilda will be able to forgive herself for not going to Nell before. Crying or Very sad

 


#320:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 1:19 am


Only a little now; I hope to have some more later.

“How can you be so certain, Hilda?” asked Nell unsteadily, her eyes shining with tears. “And why are you telling me now? I needed you so badly last year and you weren’t there.” The anger was gone from her voice, but the pain of betrayal still showed in her eyes. “I am so alone,” she whispered. The tears finally got the better of her, and slowly trickled down her face. “Oh, Hilda,” she said, in utter misery, “Please help me; I can’t go on like this.” Sobs suddenly tore at her, and she collapsed on the floor, racked with grief. At once, Hilda was beside her, gathering her tightly to her, stroking her head and rocking her gently. Her own tears threatened to overwhelm her, but she fought them down. Nell clung desperately to her, her whole body shaking with the violence of her sobs, and Hilda began to murmur to her, hoping that some of her words were being heard.
“Nell, oh Nell, I’m so sorry, so sorry, please believe me. It all went so wrong… I would have spoken to you when I first saw you, but you didn’t seem to realise that anyone was there, and Jem was adamant that you needed to rest. He insisted that you had to be left alone, to forget, and that it would be wrong of me to try to remind you. And when I went back, you had gone to England, and I didn’t know where you were. This is my fault - I should have tried harder for you. I’m so sorry, dear one, so sorry…”
Hilda was never quite sure how long she crouched there, holding Nell and trying to reassure her, but at last the frantic tears slowed, and Nell’s sobs eased. As she grew quieter, Hilda reached for her handkerchief, and holding her breath turned Nell towards the light. Nell was very pale and dishevelled, and her eyes had great bruises beneath them, testifying to her haunted weeks and months, but they were Nell’s own eyes again, sad and pain-filled certainly, but without that terrible cold despair. Hilda felt a surge of hope, and in her mind a small peal of triumphant bells sounded. Nell had emerged from her darkness.

 


#321:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 2:48 am


Quote:
Nell was very pale and dishevelled, and her eyes had great bruises beneath them, testifying to her haunted weeks and months, but they were Nell’s own eyes again, sad and pain-filled certainly, but without that terrible cold despair. Hilda felt a surge of hope, and in her mind a small peal of triumphant bells sounded. Nell had emerged from her darkness.


A really moving scene, Cath. Thank goodness Hilda has finally been able to make that essential breakthrough to Nell. Surely now Nell will be able to really start healing from all this - she'll never totally forget, but at least she can start rebuilding, secure in the knowledge that Hilda, her best friend, her only true friend, never lost faith in her through all she endured. I still feel Jem was wrong to forbid Hilda to question her earlier.

 


#322:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 6:51 am


Oh thank goodness that Hilda has managed to break through the spell of pain that Nell was under for so long. Very relieved that Nell eventually allowed her to hold her and give comfort. It speaks of a hope that was not there before. Possibly the reawakening of trust.

How like Hilda to claim all of the blaime, even though she was only acting on medical advice. I agree with Elder that the advice was clearly wrong this time though. Hopefully this will mean that they are able to rebuild their friendship and become as close as they once were again

How difficult that last scene must have been to write, Thanks Cath

 


#323:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 8:33 am


Cath V-P wrote:
Hilda felt a surge of hope, and in her mind a small peal of triumphant bells sounded. Nell had emerged from her darkness.


I love the small peal of triumphant bells. Thank goodness Hilda got through at last and was able to reassure Nell that she had always cared. Now they can both move on and Nell can hopefully begin to rebuild her live and her friendships now without forgetting what has happened but able to leave it behind.

Thank you Cath.

 


#324:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 8:53 am


Im so glad it looks like things are going to get better for poor Nell.

Thanks Cath

 


#325:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 8:58 am


Well done, Hilda, for at last breaking through that awful despair - for assuring Nell that He was and is always there, and for accepting Nell's complaint that you didn't help her earlier. You took all the blame and held her close, assuring her of your love for her. You merited that peal of bells - Nell will be able to accept help now and hopefully move on, even though she will still have some bad times.

Sorry, Cath, got carried away there Embarassed but they so need each other.

Jem certainly showed himself to be worse than useless, didn't he? Crying or Very sad

 


#326:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 9:32 am


Hilda is definitely being Nell's tower of strength. I'm glad Nell has cried and accepted Hilda isn't to blame.

 


#327:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 12:01 pm


Yes, twice today, people! But I may not be back until Monday...Thank you for all your positive comments.

“Dear Nell,” she said quietly, helping her beloved friend to her feet, “you are exhausted beyond words. You need to go to bed, and we will talk tomorrow.” Nell shook her head, and got up slowly and painfully.
“I’m so tired, Hilda; all I want to do is sleep, but I’m so scared of the dreams…”
“I know, Nell, but you will sleep tonight, because I will be here with you,” Hilda said firmly, and handing Nell her nightdress and washing things, she propelled her towards the door. “Go and get ready for bed,” she said quietly. Nell complied, and Hilda seized the opportunity to dash into her own room, get into her own night things and retrieve a blanket from her bed. Nell should not be left alone at all if she could help it. Returning to Nell’s room, she suddenly noticed the unexpected sight of Gwynneth Lloyd sitting calmly in a chair just around the corner of the corridor, a pile of neatly mended and marked linen at her side.
“What on earth are you doing here at this time of night?” she asked in some surprise.
“Praying for you both, and fending off the hordes” was the unexpected response. “I had no idea just how many people seem to want to speak to you in the evening. She cast a swift look at Hilda, noting the unmistakeable signs of grief and tears. “Were you able to help her?”
“I think so,” Hilda replied slowly. “A little anyway; I finally forced her to speak, but I almost had to break her to do it.- threaten her with immediate dismissal, and the total loss of my friendship. There were one or two moments when I thought it wasn’t going to work, and that I’d lost her for ever. Mercifully, most mercifully, that didn’t happen, but there’s still a very long way to go.” Gwynneth nodded.
“Mercifully, indeed.” Then she continued, a little shyly, “Do you feel able to tell me anything – if it’s not breaking Nell’s confidence?” Hilda was silent for a moment, then nodded.
“It was the most agonising thing I’ve ever heard – she was only there for three, maybe four, days, but she was beaten, terrorised, and put through the most hideous mental and emotional tortures. For the last year, she’s been consumed with guilt and terror – caused partly by what was done to her, and also by what she was forced to consider doing herself.” Gwynneth raised an eyebrow, but said nothing and Hilda continued, almost to herself, “I shudder to think of what sort of Hell she’s been in for the last months. What have I done to her?”
“It wasn’t your fault, you know.”
“I should have trusted my instincts, Gwynneth, not allowed Jem to overrule me. All this time, she thought I’d betrayed her, and I had, though not as she believes – I’ve still got to sort that out. I suppose," she added, "listening unquestioningly to Jem and obeying his instructions is a bit of a habit we’ve all got into, but I made a dreadful mistake.” Gwynneth frowned.
“It’s not surprising, though: you’re younger than he is, he is a professional medical man in a powerful position, and anyway, women are carefully taught to defer to men, who are automatically assumed to be the decision-makers. No, Hilda, I can see how it came about, and while I agree it was a mistake, don’t agonise over it. Accept that it happened, and do the best you can for Nell from now on. Where is she, by the way?”
“ I sent her to the bathroom, but she doesn’t seem to have returned. I’d better go and find her – I don’t think she should be alone tonight.” Matron nodded.
“I absolutely agree – I take it you’re sleeping in her room?”
“Yes. I am. Go to bed, Gwynneth, you look all in. And thank you for your support tonight – you’re a wise woman.” Gwynneth smiled, murmured a quiet “Goodnight,” and departed to her own room.

 


#328:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 1:22 pm


Lovely to see such support and wisdom from Gwynneth. Glad she was there to field the interruptions and to offer her prayers - indeed a wise women. I hope Hilda takes on board her words about Jem and can allow herself to accept what happened and recognise the mistake without blaming herself further.

Thank you Cath. Have a good weekend.

 


#329:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 1:35 pm


Thanks Cath. I hope Jem apologises for his mistaken judgement!

 


#330:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 1:46 pm


Mia wrote:
Thanks Cath. I hope Jem apologises for his mistaken judgement!


He will be a very unusual man for his generation if he does!!! In any case, I'm sure he genuinely thought that his 'prescription' was correct and that Nell needed to recover through forgetting about what had happened, not by recalling it through talking to Hilda. Even if this error is pointed out to him now Nell has finally talked, I doubt he'll back down far enough to apologise, even if he admits he was wrong!

But it's lovely to see Hilda finally able to help Nell, and also Gwynneth's care for them both. Somewhat concerned that Nell hasn't yet returned to her room, but... I hope I'm not being alarmist in sensing a 'cliff'.

Lovely episode, Cath - thank you.

 


#331:  Author: dackelLocation: Wolfenbuettel, Germany/Cambridge, England PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 2:01 pm


I've just caught up with lots of this, I'm so glad that Nell was at last able to talk about what happened. One step on the long way to recovery.

And GRRRR at Jem...

 


#332:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 2:32 pm


It was nice to see Gwyneth talking about her faith which she never does in the books. I hope you have a great weekend, Cath.

 


#333:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 7:16 pm


Thank you Cath, two very powerful episodes. So glad that Hilda got through to Nell - hopefully she can now start to heal, and lovely to see Matey there, providing support in her own inimicable way.

 


#334:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 7:20 pm


Cath, I think your Gwynneth and mine have been talking to each other, as they both share so much humanity (and listen outside doors, in case they are needed!!). Wink

I'm so glad she was there for Hilda, who will need her own support as she tries to help Nell. Please don't let Hilda blame herself too much. She always takes on so much guilt and this wasn't her fault. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

I do hope we don't need to *wibble* here - that Nell isn't doing anything silly - because then Hilda really WOULD never forgive herself.

Moving writing, Cath, thank you.

 


#335:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 7:38 am


Hmmmm - Nell is perhaps ill? Hope not.

How lovely it is to see how people care about her. The way Hilda forced her to remember the things that troubled her, and then deciding to sleep in the room. And the way Gwynneth gave up her time to give them freedom from all interuptions.

I now hope that Hilda is not going to find Nell eilther ill upon the floor, or breaking her heart in the bathroom. I guess it is possible that Nell has paused there if her eye has caught in the mirror.

It could be that having been relieved of a little of the worst of the pain she was going through, she has realised how the experiance has changed her appearance - which it will have done. She could be looking for any sign of the mistress she once was in the person she see's in front of her.

Thanks for all of your hard work in writing this Cath.

 


#336:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 5:03 pm


I hope Nell's going to get better now - surely telling Hilda must have helped a little, even if Hilda does feel awful when it really isn't her fault.

Make her listen to Gwyneth - she's got the riht idea

 


#337:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 12:29 am


Thank you everyone. Yes, the weekend was very nice. Have the next bit...and the prayer is the Third Collect from the order of Evening Prayer.


A quick peep into Nell’s room revealed that she had not yet returned from the bathroom and after waiting a minute or two longer, Hilda went in search of her. She found her still in the bathroom, clad in her nightdress and staring into the mirror. She was holding her hairbrush.
“Nell?” she asked. At the sound of her voice, Nell jumped, and dropped the brush. Then she turned back to the mirror, and putting her hands to her face, murmured,
“I don’t recognise myself any more. I catch a glimpse of s atranger, and she’s not – she’s me.” Hilda retrieved the hairbrush and then held out her hand.
“Come along, Nell,” she said quietly. Mutely, Nell rose and followed Hilda docilely to her room, where she stood irresolutely in the middle of the floor. Hilda perched herself on the edge of the bed (“Sorry, Gwynneth!” she apologised mentally) and gestured to Nell to join her. Nell did so, and Hilda gently removed Nell’s hairpins, loosened her hair and started to brush it. “It’s still beautiful, Nell, and you are still you,” she said softly.
Nell made no response, but at least she did not deny Hilda’s words. She sat quietly until Hilda had finished brushing and plaiting, and then turned to look at her. Hilda was suddenly reminded of Hans Anderson’s Little Match Girl, left alone in the cold , and she immediately slipped her arms around her: Nell tensed a little and then slowly relaxed against her, drawing some comfort from the touch.
“I’m staying here with you tonight,” she said again. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave the lamp on.” Nell nodded, and with a sigh of absolute exhaustion, slipped out of Hilda’s arms into bed, while Hilda curled up in the armchair. After about ten minutes, Hilda checked on her; Nell was already deeply asleep and Hilda finally allowed herself to relax. Absently, she noticed that her upper arms were sore, and realised that Nell must have clutched her so tightly that she had bruised her. Biting her lips, she scrutinised Nell’s face; unguarded in sleep, the signs of anguish were clearly evident, especially around her mouth, which looked somehow wary and defensive, as if it had been long since Nell had laughed whole-heartedly. An aching misery welled in her as she considered all that Nell had undergone, and then this was overwhelmed by a sudden icy rage, such as she had rarely known before: “I will never forgive you for what you did to her, never! ” she thought, and struggled to calm herself. Eventually, she bowed her head and was able to pray, thanking God for His loving strength and beseeching His help through the difficult days ahead of them both. Then, with a sudden memory of her own childhood, she leaned forward and touched Nell’s cheek gently, softly murmuring,
“Lighten our darkness, we beseech Thee, O Lord: and by Thy great mercy defend us from all perils and dangers of the night; for the love of thy only Son, our Saviour, Jesus Christ.” Nell didn’t wake, but shifted gently, muttering “Mama?” in her sleep.

 


#338:  Author: Elder in OntarioLocation: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 1:00 am


Lovely, Cath - here's hoping that this will prove to be the beginning of Nell's healing process.

 


#339:  Author: LesleyLocation: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 3:42 am


Assume it's Lt Bhaer she is talking about? Or perhaps it's Jem.

So sad for Nell - and she is obviously not herself yet - docilely following orders?

Thanks Cath.

 


#340:  Author: Miss DiLocation: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 3:59 am


As I said to you on Saturday, this is very moving and really makes the reader consider what fate would have awaited any of the Chalet escapees had they been caught.

I'm so glad that Hilda has managed to reach Nell and hope it is the beginning of a healing process.

I presume that post traumatic stress was not a recognised illness way back then? Although shell shock was an accepted condition wasn't it?

 


#341:  Author: NellLocation: London, England PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 9:28 am


Thank you Cath. Am hoping that this is the beginning of a healing process for Nell but as Lesley said she obviously still has a long way to come.

 


#342:  Author: ChairLocation: Rochester, Kent, England PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 10:45 am


It's good that Nell is starting to recover but she probably still has got a long way to go.

 


#343:  Author: MiaLocation: London PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 11:41 am


*Sending Nell and Hilda hugs*

Thanks Cath

 


#344:  Author: LucyLocation: Leeds PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 11:57 am


I've just read through all of this in one go and am left feeling mentally drained. It's incredibly well written and could so easily have happened

((((Nell)))) but also (((((((Cath)))))) for writing this, it must have been very hard to do.

Hoping that Nell can, with Hilda and Gwynneth's help, start to recover.

Thank you Cath

 


#345:  Author: francesnLocation: away with the faeries PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 1:49 pm


poor poor Nell

I hope she was talking about Lt Bhaer - Jem didn't really do anything wrong as far as he could see, and I can see why he insisted on going rather than Hilda. But he didn't know what had happened to her, and so couldn't make ehat would have been the right decision for Nell.

 


#346:  Author: MaryRLocation: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 2:05 pm


I am assuming Hilda wasn't talking to God here, Cath, since she was able to pray so soon after. Hilda, not forgive? Surely that's a contradiction in terms! Crying or Very sad

She is being so loving and maternal here to Nell. I do hope she can help her return to her normal keen and biting self before too long. This Nell is so poignant and moving.

 


#347:  Author: SquirrelLocation: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:04 pm


Oh Cath, I am struck again by how difficult this must be to write for you. It is all so plausible, and probably happened to people, all be it in rather different surroundings and situations.

Thank you for taking the trouble to put it down on paper, though I can imagine that having started it would be difficult, but easy to stop!

 


#348:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:00 am


Thanks Cath... can't blame Hilda for feeling angry at all.

 


#349:  Author: Cath V-PLocation: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:02 am


Here it is, a little late today. Sorry.

Despite falling asleep so peacefully, Nell woke twice that night. The first time, Hilda was able to soothe her back to sleep without any difficulty, but the second time was different. Hilda had drifted into a light doze when she was jerked awake by the sound of Nell whimpering.
“Nell, what is it?” she said, shaking her hair out of her eyes. Nell was sitting up in bed, her eyes open, but obviously still caught in her dream. “No, no, no!” she was crying, and then she was awake, trembling, and fearful.
“Nell, dear one, it’s alright. You’re safe; I’m here.” Nell turned to her in terror,
“They were here; he was here – he was laughing at me!” Silently, Hilda slipped an arm around her, and after a few moments, Nell was a little calmer and had stopped shaking.
“How often do you have these dreams, Nell?” Nell did not answer immediately, and it seemed to Hilda that she was weighing something in her mind. “Nell?” she said softly, and, with a sigh, Nell said wearily,
“Every time I sleep – so I try not to, unless I am so tired that I can’t help it. I’ve learnt to manage with very little sleep Hilda, but all the time it’s as if – as if he’s crouching in a corner of my mind waiting to come out when I can’t stop him.”
“Oh, Nell!”
“Sometimes,” she went on shakily, “I think he’s waiting around a corner, or if I walk into a room and there are people there whom I haven’t been expecting to see, they have his face – just for a second, but that’s enough…I’m frightened, Hilda, all the time I’m frightened, and I have to work so very hard to keep it hidden.” She was silent for a moment and then added quietly, “I’m a coward, Hilda.”
Knowing that what she said now would be remembered by both of them for the rest of their lives, Hilda considered her words, then turned Nell towards her, framing her anguished face between her hands, and staring intently at her,
“Helena Margaret Wilson, you are the bravest person that I’ve ever met, and nothing, nothing that you have said to me has changed my opinion. Terrible things have happened to you, and you have spoken of them to no one; instead they have remained locked inside you, while you tried to rebuild your life … And no, Nell,” she said firmly, suddenly understanding the terrified appeal in Nell’s eyes, “No, you are not insane.”
“But it’s not normal to see things that aren’t there!” Hilda was silent for a moment, praying for strength and the right words; with uncomfortable clarity the phrase “empty, swept and garnished” sounded in her mind. She pushed this thought to one side and then holding Nell’s hands tightly, said,
“Nell, you were beaten and emotionally tormented by a man who forced you to make a decision that has haunted you ever since. He has had such an effect on you that you have never been able to free yourself of the terror and guilt that you felt – but you are not insane. You are still you, still the Nell Wilson that I love and respect. Now, you are going to go to sleep again, certain that you are safe, and tomorrow we will talk about this again. Do you understand?” Nell nodded slowly, and lay down in bed again, still holding one of Hilda’s hands, but obediently closing her eyes Hilda remained sitting beside her until she was certain that she was asleep again; then she carefully extricated herself from Nell’s grasp and returned to the armchair for what was left of the night. She finally fell asleep just as the sky was beginning to lighten.

 


#350:  Author: LadyGuinevereLocation: Leicester PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:08 am


Looks like I got in just under the wire, lol Smile

Cath V-P wrote:
She was silent for a moment and then added quietly, “I’m a coward, Hilda.”


No Nell, please don't think that! Good on Hilda for telling her how it really is; I just hope Nell can fully take that in.

 




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