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New Dreams Part III - updated 5th August

#1: New Dreams Part III - updated 5th August Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 6:11 pm

Archived due to length 12/05/05

Part I
Part II

~ Gem

If anyone wishes to receive the document of this, rather than ploughing through the archive with all its comments, please feel free to email.

At which point Hilda looked up with a gulp and Nancy twinkled down at her, knowing that what she was about to do next would completely take the Head’s breath away. There would be a photograph going up beside that letter!

Nancy continued speaking. “ As you know, girls, we instituted a bravery award some years ago, a medal to be given to any girl whom we consider has been particularly brave. It is usually given at the end of the year, but your mistresses are all agreed that it should be presented here and now to Miss Annersley for her very real bravery.”

The girls could not restrain themselves any longer and wild cheers rang out as Hilda, her face white with consternation, stared up at Nancy, the book falling unnoticed off her knees. Seeing she was once more searching for an escape route, Nancy reached out and pulled her out of her chair to stand beside her at the lectern, an arm round her once more, then looked across at Jo who made her way to the daïs.

Jo stood on the other side of Hilda and smiled at this woman she loved so much, who had always been there for her and her family. Jo’s golden voice rang round the hall as she spoke to Hilda.

“Miss Annersley, instead of the usual medal given for bravery, we have had a very special medal struck just for you, and there’s a certificate to go with it,” and smiling broadly she held up, for all to see, a jeweller’s box containing a gold medallion, perhaps an inch and a half wide, on which was depicted a dove in silver relief.

Under it were engraved the words For Valour and underneath that, Hilda’s name. What she did not show the girls were the words inscribed on the back, words taken from Mother Abbess’s letter: A brave and beautiful soul.

Jo turned to Hilda who was standing there frozen, rigid with shock, her face whiter than ever, the tears now pouring down her cheeks. Jo took the medal out of its box and pinned it to Hilda’s dress and as she did so two cameras flashed, one from the back and one from Jack’s corner. Jo then took Hilda in her arms and kissed her.

Hilda still felt too overwhelmed to react but when Nancy in her turn moved to take her in her arms, Hilda, in a trembling voice, whispered in her ear, “I don’t know whether to dismiss you for all this, or give up my job to you immediately in sheer gratitude.”

Nancy suddenly had tears in her own eyes and gently turned the shaking woman to face her girls. Wiping away her tears, struggling to regain her composure, Hilda looked all round the hall, at the girls, at the mistresses and at her friends, all waiting silently for her to speak.

Where are you, Nell? Why aren’t you here to share this with me?

Thoughts of her friend steadied her a little and in a voice choking with emotion she tried to express what she felt.

“I don’t think you have ever found me quite so lost for words as you do at this moment. Never has a woman felt so humble.” As she calmed down her sweet voice deepened and took on the mellow, rounded tone of the cello. “You know, Miss Wilmot, sometimes life gives us gifts when we least expect them and you and everyone here have given me an incredible gift tonight, not just the stories or the medal, which I certainly don’t deserve, but an extraordinary outpouring of love.”

The mellow voice vibrated as she added, “I shall treasure the book and the medal but I shall remember forever, in my heart, the love, the miracle of that love.”

Her voice was very soft as she paused there, as though gathering her thoughts..............

Last edited by MaryR on Fri Aug 05, 2005 8:08 pm; edited 65 times in total

#2: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 6:21 pm

Glad to know that Nancy is taking such good care of her - I do very much like the character of Nancy in this, you're showing her to be a very worthy sucessor to both Hilda and Nell.

And on a tangential - I've always liked the word 'valour' is has such a strength and wholesomeness to it (unlike my command of the English language which is shaky!), and it always reminds me of the hymn which has the line 'for God and for valour he rode though the land...' So thanks for that word, we should endevour to use it more often!

Jess

Last edited by gypsum on Wed May 11, 2005 6:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

#3: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 6:23 pm

You have me in tears here, Mary. And she still can't see why she deserved all of this. Perfect characterisation, beautiful.

Thank you.

#4: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 6:41 pm

Quote:

[quote="Lesley"]You have me in tears here, Mary. And she still can't see why she deserved all of this. Perfect characterisation, beautiful. quote]

Echoes Lesley wholeheartedly here - this was just such a beautiful piece.

Once again, I'm glad I don't have to read this in an office setting - I can reach for the tissues, or sniffle, without anyone watching or hearing me!!

Love the way Hilda clearly feels comforted by the love from everyone which is surrounding her in this scene.

Don't dream of stopping this, Mary - as someone said earlier, the comments after each post should assure you that we all love it. Looking forward eagerly to the next bit whenever you have chance to post.

#5: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 7:04 pm

*Quite scared by Jess's glaring*

Quote:

sometimes life gives us gifts when we least expect them

I like that bit.

Mary, your cliffs are not good for my nerves. More please!

Drat, I'm now humming Jess's hymn to my self. I do wish people wouldn't do that to me.

#6: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 7:33 pm

Beautiful Mary Crying or Very sad

I love Nancy in this, and Hilly is perfect Smile

#7: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 7:43 pm

Quote:

Drat, I'm now humming Jess's hymn to my self

At last! The fame and recognition I deserve...

My hymn... *beams proudly*

Razz

#8: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 9:11 pm

Thank you Mary!

Poor Hilda - tears streaming down her face, embarrassed to the max - but knowing it's from love...

#9: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 9:28 pm

Lovely

More when you can Mary. You are doing brilliantly

#10: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 7:16 am

Oh, how lovely. And another one dripping tears all over the keyboard. Thank you Mary Kiss

#11: Author: Cath, Location: Cornwall

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 9:33 am

Lovely, Mary. And don't you dare disappear in a puff of smoke! I'm sure plenty of people would have something to say about that! Wink

Thank you.

#12: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 1:25 pm

Beautiful. Thank you Mary. Kiss

#13: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 2:39 pm

The mellow voice vibrated as Hilda added, “I shall treasure the book and the medal but I shall remember forever, in my heart, the love, the miracle of that love.”

Her voice was very soft as she paused there, as though gathering her thoughts, but, at a sign from Nancy, the Head Girl leapt to her feet and asked for three cheers for Miss Annersley – and they lifted the roof off, making Hilda blush scarlet. They would have continued indefinitely but with a small signal she indicated they should stop and a hush fell instantly. They were well used to her smallest signals, Ian realised in his corner, where he had fallen in love with Hilda all over again as she had spoken.

Hilda turned to Nancy, who was watching her delightedly, happy that for once there was some joy in Hilda’s eyes. “I wonder, Miss Wilmot, if I may borrow my lectern for a moment.” There was a quiet laugh from the girls at this, and then she added with a wink, “And you can try my chair out for size.”

As they changed places she clasped Nancy’s hand for a moment and then nodded at Rosalie, who left her chair and came forward to hand Hilda an envelope and place a carton on the floor near her feet. Hilda looked out over the sea of faces once more, and her eyes were now very gentle and her mellow voice softer and yet richer as she began to speak again, and, as always, Madge thought how easily that voice cast its spell on its listeners.

“All of you should know that when Miss Wilson died she left me all her possessions and I have been trying to think of the best way to make her inheritance benefit the school. I decided one way was to found the Helena Margaret Wilson Scholarship, for girls wanting to study Science at college or university. We have many scholarships for the arts and I felt we needed to even the score a little.”

She paused there a moment, her eyes inward-looking, and then the soft voice continued its tale. “ Miss Wilson loved all aspects of her subject - indeed she often got very frustrated with me for being so ignorant about it! – so that seemed the very best way for her to be remembered. It will be offered every year and will cover not only fees, books and so on, but will include all living expenses as well.”

Before she could continue, clapping had broken out, so she gave them their way for a moment before holding up her hand. “I have also set aside a sum of money to be used every year for new books or equipment for the Science departments both here and over at St Mildred’s. I think, Lady Russell, the best thing would be for you to take charge of these documents which set everything out in legal terms.”

Madge, in awe yet again at Hilda’s generosity, walked on to the daïs and took the envelope, hugging Hilda the while. She hoped no one else would guess why Hilda was giving the documents to her. Madge made to go back to her seat, but Hilda held her lightly and carried on speaking.

“There is something else I would like to share with you all. As you know, Miss Wilson was a staunch Catholic and I have had a chalice and altar set specially designed for our Catholic chapel here. It will be offered in her name and indeed is inscribed such.”

Madge helped her to open the carton and reverently they took out a chalice and held it up between them. Everyone gasped as the light reflected off the polished gold surface. It was stunning in its flowing lines and utter lack of adornment, and all the adults thought what a perfect reminder of Nell it was. There had never been any artifice in her. What you saw was what you got - and her heart had been pure gold.

Madge mused that it was typical of Hilda with her sensitive nature to choose a design so appropriate to her friend, while Ian was moved beyond words, thinking to himself how beautiful Hilda looked as she spoke of the friend she had loved so much. What a lot he would have to say to his sister when he phoned her later tonight.

Hilda and Madge returned the chalice to the carton and as Hilda stood upright again Nancy saw that her eyes were suspiciously bright so she whispered to Madge to take her away before she broke down completely, while she herself would dismiss the girls to supper. Miss Lawrence struck up a gay tune, Hilda retrieved her book and Madge escorted her off the daïs to her study, where Hilda dropped onto the sofa and buried her face in her hands..................

#14: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 2:43 pm

Lovely Mary, as always Smile

I think Ian is really going to struggle with letting Hilda go...

#15: Author: Eilidh, Location: Macclesfield

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 2:46 pm

Wonderful as always Mary. Thankyou.

#16: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 3:22 pm

Oh Mary, that was beautiful.

#17: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 3:41 pm

Beautiful, thank you Mary.

Agreeing with Kat about Ian, he's going to really struggle.

#18: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 3:48 pm

Mary,

Another good post thanks!

Ian is starting to worry me now...just what exactly is he going to he talking to his sister about...

Last edited by gypsum on Thu May 12, 2005 5:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

#19: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 4:14 pm

Why do people insist on hi-jacking the tender mood I am trying to create here? Crying or Very sad

I'm afraid that threat to disappear in a puff of blue smoke is about to become reality. Instead of discussing Nell's character, or Hilda's generosity or the beauty of a certain chalice, someone mentions.............. Sad

Thank you to all you sensible people for being so kind to a struggling writer.

PS (2 hours later) Thanks, Jess, for removing .............

You're a pal! I think! Rolling Eyes

Last edited by MaryR on Thu May 12, 2005 8:30 pm; edited 2 times in total

#20: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 4:30 pm

Quote:

Don't you dare even dream of doing that, Mary - this was another fabulous post, right down to Nancy getting Madge to take Hilda out of the Hall before she broke down completely. The chalice sounds beautiful. In fact the whole sequence with the award and Hilda's presentations to the school is inspired and it fits beautifully with the rest of the story.

#21: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 5:13 pm

Quote:

Instead of discussing Nell's character, or Hilda's generosity or the beauty of a certain chalice, someone mentions...

That would have been me, sorry. Comment removed! Wrists sufficiently slapped!

J

#22: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 8:03 pm

Mary, a lovely post - again, and I could just see the chalice as it was described - a perfect reminder of Nell.

#23: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 8:11 pm

Girls, girls, girls. Stop this squabbling, at once. (Said in suitably stentorian tones.)

Mary, if you disappear in a puff of smoke of any hue without first posting more of this, I shall be devastated.

Poor Hilda. I know Nancy's intentions are good, but I'm worried it could all prove too much for her. That's been a long and emotionally intense session on the stage.

#24: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 8:34 pm

That was a wonderful scene Mary. Thank you.

#25: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 8:49 pm

That

Was

Beautiful

Thank you Mary! I can see the chalice...

#26: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:12 am

Mary, this was gorgeous...I can see that chalice. I am weeping gently over my keyboard.

#27: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 7:25 am

Mary that was, once again, simply beautiful. Crying or Very sad

Thank you

Liz

#28: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 7:51 am

Beautiful, thank you Mary Kiss

#29: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 8:07 am

Wanted to come back and say that I thought your or should I say Nell's chalice is beautiful. And as for Hilda the woman is a saint.

Kiss

#30: Author: catherine, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 8:31 am

I've just caught up with all of this, Mary. It's beautifully written and you've really captured Hilda's feelings. Please keep going.

#31: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 11:33 am

Mary, please stop bringing tears to my eyes when I am in the office!

That was wonderful. Thank you.

#32: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 6:02 pm

.......Hilda retrieved her book and Madge escorted her off the daïs to her study, where Hilda dropped onto the sofa and buried her face in her hands. Madge sat close to her and waited. After several minutes Hilda lifted her head and smiled at Madge, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, and Madge patted her hand.

“What an evening!” whispered Hilda shakily. “I’ve never experienced one like it. I feel as though I’ve been put through the wringer.”

“And you wish that you had Nell here to share it all with you,” said Madge quietly. When Hilda nodded Madge continued, “But she is here, Hilda. In your heart, in all our hearts and you’ve just ensured she will never be forgotten. Your generosity and thoughtfulness are stunning, my dear,” and she tapped the envelope she still held. “And that chalice has a unique beauty.”

“Like Nell. As soon as I saw the design I knew I had to have it – it seemed to portray the very essence of her character.” On those words, Hilda’s voice broke and she hid her face in her hands again, and she whispered brokenly, “Oh Madge, I miss her so much. How will I ever get over losing her?”

Madge gently put an arm round her and they sat there quietly, Hilda trying desperately to compose herself, until a knock at the door heralded Nancy come to escort Hilda into supper, where applause from all sides greeted her as she was led to her usual place in the centre of the top table. Her head bowed, she said the Latin grace, her voice sweet and low but reaching to every corner.

She listened and smiled during the meal, her self-control such that no one would ever have suspected, Madge reflected as she watched her closely, how close she had come to breaking down completely in her study.

After supper, when all the guests had departed, Hilda agreed to have coffee with the staff, wanting to show them her appreciation for all they had done for her, but after twenty minutes she knew it was time to leave, or she would give way in front of them, and that she refused to do. Rising lithely to her feet she slowly looked round at them all, her eyes tender and her musical voice soft as she spoke.

“I can never thank you all for tonight. As I said, it was pure gift, a miracle I wasn’t expecting, which has touched my heart. You all miss Nell but I’m sure you all know how much she would have revelled in what you did – it would have appealed to the irrepressible child in her.” There was a gentle laugh round the room at the truth of this.

“When I feel lonely for her, as I’m afraid I still do very often, the memory of your love tonight will sweeten my sorrow.” She stopped and swallowed, and her voice deepened as she continued. “And please – speak about Nell, and not in hushed tones. She would have hated that. Don’t be afraid of saying her name for fear of upsetting me. It would upset me more never to hear her name mentioned. I need to talk about her, but also I want you to keep her memory alive. Good night and God bless you all,” she added very gently.

Before she went she turned to hug Nancy, who had done this wonderful thing for her. As she was hugged, Nancy suddenly heard Hilda whisper in her ear, “Now I know why we chose you!” and then she was at the door.

As her slim, graceful figure disappeared through the door, the majority there suddenly felt for the first time the loneliness of leadership, felt her loneliness. To whom did she turn now, they wondered.

Before that terrible day, she and Nell would have departed together, either to return to the study for business purposes, or to go and relax in the Annexe or over at St Mildred’s. They had been so complete together, there had been such an ease of communication between them, that even when Nell had only been Senior Mistress, Hilda’s leadership had never been a heavy burden But now?

#33: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 6:58 pm

Thank you Mary, so sad to see the Staff only now comprehending some of the agony and pain Hilda is experiencing - a case when having 'a stiff upper lip' is so devasting. Crying or Very sad

#34: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 7:06 pm

Lesley wrote:

Thank you Mary, so sad to see the Staff only now comprehending some of the agony and pain Hilda is experiencing - a case when having 'a stiff upper lip' is so devasting.

Can only echo Lesley here - this was just what I was thinking as I read your piece, Mary. That last statement to the staff was just so moving.

#35: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 8:25 pm

Thank you Mary. Madge and Hilda were both so eloquent here.

Liz

#36: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 8:46 pm

Thank you Mary. Hilda has such a strength of character.

#37: Author: Ella, Location: Staffordshire

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 8:52 pm

Thank you, Mary. *sitting here sniffing again* Sad

Hilda is so brave - but I'm glad she has begun to let the others in. And what Madge said was so right.

#38: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 9:04 pm

Lovely writing again. Thankyou Mary

#39: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 9:12 pm

Mary I've been in floods of tears catching up on the last few days. Thank you so much - Hilda's is such a brave and beautiful person.

#40: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 2:27 am

This is so moving. You can see Hilda holding on by her teeth, barely managing to get through the public part of the evening without giving way. Crying or Very sad

Nancy and Madge play their roles beautifully. And having both the scientific and spiritual sides of Nell memorialized in the school – perfect! Just how she’d want it. (Or how I’d want it, anyhow.)

#41: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 11:54 am

They had been so complete together, there had been such an ease of communication between them, that even when Nell had only been Senior Mistress, Hilda’s leadership had never been a heavy burden But now?

Reaching her salon, Hilda stood for a while staring out of the window at the full moon shedding its cold light on the distant mountain peaks, her thoughts with Nell, and then, turning, she saw the book on the low table and sat down. As she reached for the book, however, she glanced down at the medal still pinned to her dress and, with trembling fingers, unfastened it and sat staring at the words For Valour. She slowly shook her head, turned the medal over and then gasped when she saw the words engraved there: A brave and beautiful soul, taken from Mother Abbess’s letter.

It was too much! She didn’t deserve any of this! Letting the medal fall into her lap she buried her face in her hands.

Speak to me, Nell. Let me know you shared this with me.

For a moment loneliness filled her soul to the exclusion of all else, and then slowly a verse from the Book of Proverbs in the Bible trickled into her mind:

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones,

and she looked up, her eyes bright with unshed tears but a gentle smile suddenly on her lips. The kindness and love embedded in all the actions and words of the last two evenings had, she realised, indeed brought some sweetness and ease to her aching heart.

Still smiling gently, she picked up the velvet-covered book and stroked it as she remembered words she had heard somewhere long ago, about life and death being two halves of the same whole, and that to accept only one half was not an option. She had not yet accepted Nell’s death but somewhere, deep down, a small ember of new life or tranquillity or hope or who knew what was slowly being fanned into life. She guessed that fanning it into flames would be beyond her at times, but it was a start.

She opened the book and saw there a copy of Mother Abbess’s letter. A wry grin flitted across her lips. She had an idea that several people would pass on all that had happened tonight and that she would be teased unmercifully when she returned to the convent at Christmas. As she thought this, her smile became tender. How had she been so lucky to be so encompassed by so many loving people, all determined to ease her pain? What had she ever done to deserve it all?

She turned to Tessa’s story, and suddenly those unshed tears were pouring down her face as she read the first sentences.

“Stay calm and quiet, Tessa. No matter how much you are screaming underneath, always sound as though you are calmness itself.”

Those words were among the first that Miss Annersley ever said to me when I was made Head Girl. I listened, I listened hard, for she was my role model, always had been............

Hilda shook her head. She could not read that tonight. If she did, she would break down completely. She closed the book, wiping away the tears. In her own eyes she had not been fit to be anyone’s role model these last few months since Nell had died. And why did everyone keep talking about her courage? She was anything but brave! If only people could see behind the mask, she reflected.......

Later, as she was lying in bed, her thoughts alternating between hilarity at the stories and longing for the comfort of Nell’s arms around her, her thoughts turned in loving gratitude to her Heavenly Father for the many blessings He was pouring on her at the moment, and she asked Him to remind her of them next time her heart was heavy with sadness. With this last thought she fell asleep.

Gradually she became aware that she could hear her name being called. Opening her eyes she saw Nell sitting on the bed, her white hair bathed in silver moonlight. Hilda gasped with joy to see her and Nell leaned down to stroke her cheek tenderly.

“Quite the little heroine, aren’t we!” she said, her voice faintly ironic, and then she held out her hand. “I’ve got a surprise for you. Come on.”

Hilda rose up and let herself be led gently into the salon where candles were burning, and in their soft glow she saw two glasses of wine beside the velvet-covered book on the low table by the fire. They sat together on the sofa and Nell picked up the book and leafed through it.

“What wonderful stories. I didn’t know we had so much talent in the school. Nancy was very ingenious to think it all up for you,” she said softly and she smiled up into Hilda’s face. Hilda herself gazed at Nell over the rim of her wine glass, all her love for the woman before her lighting up her eyes.

“I don’t deserve such love as they poured on me tonight, Nell. How did I ever get to be so lucky?”

“Your utter humility astounds me, as always, darling,” and Nell squeezed her hand. “You deserve every good thing that comes your way.”

“I didn’t deserve you, my love. God gave me an extra-large Christmas present the day I met you.”

“Some gift!” laughed Nell. “I teased the life out of you, too often tried to make you forget your dignity. Bullied you when you were too hard on yourself...!

“Loved me.”

“You’re easy to love, sweetheart. Which is why tonight gave me such a thrill – to see you laugh again...”

“Well, I hope you’re satisfied, because it was all your fault!”

“MY fault? I like that! I seem to remember it was you who stopped the bullet! As I told you before, if you ever do anything like that again, you’ll feel the sharp edge of my tongue.”

“But it was YOU Nancy was trying to emulate. She knew how much you liked to tease me.”

“Mmm, I’ll have to see what other ideas I can put in her head,” mused Nell thoughtfully and pulled Hilda to her. Hilda laid her head on Nell’s shoulder, peace filling her heart, and felt herself drifting....

In her sleep Hilda smiled gently, but a lone tear glistened on her cheek as the moonlight later bathed her face in its clear light.

#42: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 12:07 pm

Thanks Mary - once again so beautifully written.

Liz

#43: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 12:09 pm

Beautiful, thank you Mary. So glad Hilda has these episodes, to ease her heartbreak. So glad Nell is still there for her.

And love Tessa's first lines.

#44: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 12:23 pm

Thank you Mary.

(that's as coherent as I can be)

#45: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 1:41 pm

Lesley wrote:

Beautiful, thank you Mary. So glad Hilda has these episodes, to ease her heartbreak. So glad Nell is still there for her.

And love Tessa's first lines.

I can only echo Lesley - this was really beautifully done, Mary. Thank you.

#46: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 2:49 pm

I'm almost afraid to read this, it's so moving. The tears keep dripping into my keyboard.

#47: Re: New Dreams Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 4:55 pm

MaryR wrote:

“But it was YOU Nancy was trying to emulate. She knew how much you liked to tease me.”

“Mmm, I’ll have to see what other ideas I can put in her head,” mused Nell thoughtfully

I can't wait to see what Nell inspires Nancy to do!

I don't like working on Saturdays, but it's not so bad when there are wonderful drabbles to cheer me up.

Thank you, Mary - this is as beautiful, thought-provoking and humbling as ever.

#48: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 7:41 pm

What a beautiful and tender dream, thank you Mary.

#49: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 7:56 pm

Waahh!! Thank you Mary!

(gone to buy two more boxes of tissues)

#50: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 8:54 pm

Quote:

I can't wait to see what Nell inspires Nancy to do!

I agree! The mind boggles in fact!

I very much enjoyed the above, especially the bit where Hilda interupts to say 'Loved me'.

Thanks,

Jess

#51: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 9:55 pm

I've just caught up on several days as I can't read this at work - tears are not really appropriate there. Besides, I can't appreciate it in a short read during the week and need to take time to savour it.

This little bit, several posts ago, is the section that moved me most deeply.

Quote:

And please – speak about Nell, and not in hushed tones. She would have hated that. Don’t be afraid of saying her name for fear of upsetting me. It would upset me more never to hear her name mentioned. I need to talk about her, but also I want you to keep her memory alive

That is so profound and worth remembering. Speaking about a loved one who has died is so important, even when it tears open the scars. The scars are just covering the outer surface and while the wound festers within.

Very strong writing, Mary. Thank you.

PS I really appreciated the humour of the wild guesses at the story behind the arm injury.

#52: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 11:58 pm

Like Patmac I need time to read this slowly to appreciate it as it deserves. Thank you Mary. Forgive me for not commenting on any singular parts of this but it is all so special I cannot pick any small part out.

#53: Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 11:00 am

I'm so glad Nell still is there for Hilda, at least at times...

Mary, I'm not commenting regularly because I don't have time to express all my thoughts & admiration for your writing, but I do think it's excellent. Kiss

#54: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 3:03 pm

As Hilda came awake the next morning, she rolled over and stretched lazily, giggling to herself over the image of herself on the end of a parachute, and thought to herself that she must give Nell a ring to ask her if she remembered the time......................

Her heart stood still. Nell was dead! She would never see her again in this life!

She buried her face in the pillow and lay absolutely still, suddenly remembering the dream from last night as she tried to accustom herself yet again to that one inescapable fact. Nell was dead!

So often she awoke in this way - and each time was like receiving the horrific news as though for the first time. And it felled her every time. She found herself staring down the vista of her remaining years without Nell and it made her shudder, despite all the progress everyone told her she had made. As she lay there, words from a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins sprang into her mind, his poetic imagery expressing all too well the annihilating despair in her soul.

No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wrung.
Comforter, where, where is Your comforting?

She heard herself sob that last line out loud, searching for consolation. Receiving no answer, she realised, once and for all, that she was going to have to accept this death and move on or be destroyed utterly and forever. She would have to accept this new reality in the ever-changing kaleidoscope that was life. Nell was never going to walk through the door just because she could not accept her death.

As she finally forced herself out of bed and padded to the bathroom, she asked God to remember her plea of the night before – to remind her, when she felt too sad to go on, of the love she had received from everyone. But somehow, this morning, bathing and dressing seemed to require more energy than she possessed and tears were heavy behind her eyes.

Abruptly, she flung herself on her knees by her bed and buried her face in her hands. In her imagination she pictured a beautiful box and she cried out loud in her anguish.

“Lord, You see me here spent and crushed. I am putting into this box all my loneliness, all my sadness, all my tears, all my need for Nell, and I am tying around it the ribbon of my love and complete dependence on You, and giving it to You to use as You see fit, for the benefit of others. You are strong enough to carry it all. I’m not. From now on I leave it all in Your hands”

She knelt there totally still, asking for nothing, offering herself in total abandonment to her Heavenly Father.

Silence. Absolute and unqualified silence.

All her adult life she had depended wholly on God and now He seemed to have deserted her. Yet still she lay there, and felt that she might well stay there all day, when suddenly, as though to blot out all her anguish and despair, a blanket of love and comfort enveloped her so strongly that she almost fell to the floor under its onslaught. Leaving her as quickly as it had come, she heard in her ear the promise,

“My grace is sufficient for you.”

In an instant, that spark she had felt last night was rekindled, and she recognised it for what it was – joy. Joy in the Lord. She might never again know happiness but the joy would be there, underpinning every sad memory of Nell, every pang at her loss, as long as she trusted. There was always joy in the presence of the Lord, she had always known that in her head but not, till now, in her heart, and that joy was what Nell was experiencing now in all its fullness, so she must find joy in that as well, just as Mother Abbess had once told her.

Through the utter devastation of this loss, by leaning on the Lord, she must learn to put herself to one side and to give to others more than ever before, to use her grief to be a channel of God’s love for them, to be a resting place where they could find some ease, just as the nun had been for her.

Hilda knew also that, thanks to the Lord, she still had so many people who loved her and would help her. And she would still need that help!

She felt herself lifted to her feet, as though by unseen hands, and she found a smile tugging at her lips so, shaking herself, she wiped away her tears and went to slip on her shoes. As she made her way out of the annexe and walked along to her study, taking with her the velvet-covered book, she felt herself again bathed for a moment in that overwhelming love and heard that voice speaking again.

“You are my beloved. Lean on Me. Wait and see what I will do through you.”

As she reached her study it occurred to her that God had been waiting for her to give herself up to Him totally, holding nothing back, as she had done that morning, before He could effect any change in her.

Those two promises and that love kept recurring to her throughout the day and she gave herself up to them completely, letting herself be held and carried. She was able to walk into breakfast and greet mistresses and girls with a huge smile on her face and in her eyes. Putting her own feelings aside, she watched and listened during the meal and her quick intuition soon told her that everyone was suffering from a feeling of anti-climax, after the excitement of the last two days, so she eventually leaned over and said quietly to Jeanne and Ruth...........

#55: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 3:15 pm

I am so lucky - I found this less than 5 minutes after you posted it, Mary.

I love the mixture of emotions you ascribe to Hilda, which are all so natural at a time like this, but I particularly loved that beautiful and moving statement of faith which can surpass all adversity, however hard it may be.

I hope that Hilda will continue to believe in it and be strengthened by it, even when the despair of her loss hits, as we know it will continue to do at times.

And just what have you got up your sleeve for the school? - I love your final hint!!!

#56: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 3:29 pm

Thank you Mary

There are no other words

Liz

#57: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:23 pm

Interesting. And I do truly mean that!

The idea that total love is only able to be experienced through total surrender. I think so many people are too afraid to do that, afraid of being hurt or of being vulnerable. We would do better to remember this more often.

Thanks,

Jess

#58: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:58 pm

So profound and deep. So in character for Hilda. Thank you Mary.

#59: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 8:37 pm

Mary- this is amazing

Thank you

#60: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 8:58 pm

Incredibly moving and touching Mary - and beautiful.

Thank you.

#61: Author: Signa, Location: Lily ponds, Bosherston

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 9:10 pm

I started reading this story when Mary began posting it, then RL got in the way (around when Hilda arrived at the convent) and I just read it right through from the beginning this afternoon. I don't think those of you who've been following along can really appreciate what a powerful piece it is, read all in one piece & fresh like that. Wow! I'm exhausted. And shaking.

Totally awesome, Mary!

#62: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 9:21 pm

Mary, I read this earlier and didn't comment because I couldn't find the words. This is...thank you.

Love the image of the box, and the way she hears God speaking to her so simply.

Now...what is she planning?! Wink

#63: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 10:17 pm

'My Grace is sufficient for thee' so apt. I am glad that Hilda heard so clearly from God here. At times like this it isn't always so easy. Like Carolyn love the idea of the box - have used something similar myself once upon a time.

Thank you so much for posting this.

#64: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 12:29 am

I've just read the last three posts and am so glad I work from home - I can cty in peace. This is so achingly accurate.

#65: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 1:53 am

It's hard to think of any comments here, as the text already says it all......

#66: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 9:21 am

Another one who can't wait to see what Hilda is planning!

That was so beautiful, Mary - thank you.

I can only read this at work as I don't have the internet at home, and I am becoming adept at keeping a straight face! So you're teaching me a useful skill. Thanks!

#67: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 9:55 am

Thank you Mary. Wonderfully moving so pleased to see HIlda relying on God and making that step of total surrender to Him so necessary but so challenging for us mortals to do.

Kiss

#68: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 12:49 pm

To all those people who emailed me or sent me Private Messages after yesterday's post, thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to tell me the effect my writing had on you, and that you explained you were too moved to express it in writing on the board.

I was moved myself by all those loving messages, and all those posted on the board, but it also scared me, because it taught me what power a writer holds over his reader, and that one needs to be very careful.

But you know, I can't take any credit for this story. Someone else has it very definitely in hand.

"Never claim credit for anything, 'cause you can't righteously do that. There's luck, grace and accident." (Harrison Ford)

It's all grace, nothing BUT grace.

Last edited by MaryR on Mon May 16, 2005 1:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

#69: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 12:59 pm

Please remember that Tessa's story is written by an idealistic eighteen year old in 1960 or thereabouts. I was one myself 2 or 3 years later.

Those two promises and that love kept recurring to Hilda throughout the day and she gave herself up to them completely, letting herself be held and carried. She was able to walk into breakfast and greet mistresses and girls with a huge smile on her face and in her eyes. Putting her own feelings aside, she watched and listened during the meal and her quick intuition soon told her that everyone was suffering from a feeling of anti-climax, after the excitement of the last two days, so she eventually leaned over and said quietly to Jeanne and Ruth, “What do you think? Early lunch and rambles?”

The frowns lifted from their faces as they nodded so she went into the kitchen to arrange the early lunch and then, coming back, rang her little bell. Every face swung round to her and not a few grinned at the memory of last night, remembering her many and varied adventures. She handed their grin back to them wholeheartedly, and then her rich voice carried through the room as she spoke quietly.

“It’s such a beautiful day that I thought we’d shake the collywobbles away with an early lunch and rambles, so hurry up and get your prep and mending done and then you’ll find out where you are going.” To still the excited hum that was beginning, she asked them to stand and as they did so she repeated the Latin grace with which they always finished meals and then led out the staff. She assigned Rosalie and Ruth the job of sorting out who was going where, only saying she was taking the Sixth forms up to the Rösleinalp with Matron, before disappearing to deal with her never-ending correspondence for a while.

That at least had been the intention, but seeing the book she remembered she had promised herself she would read Tessa’s story. Sitting herself comfortably in a chair by the window she opened the book and was soon lost in the story.

Tessa’s essay

“Stay calm and quiet, Tessa. No matter how much you are screaming underneath, always sound as though you are calmness itself.”

Those words were among the first that Miss Annersley ever said to me when I was made Head Girl. I listened, I listened hard, for she was my role model, always had been. From the day I entered the school at the age of fifteen I had been struck by her kindness, her inner strength, the way she could light up a room with her smile. It was due to her influence that I had chosen to study Literature and hoped to continue doing so at University.

“No matter what the circumstances, whether it be your prefects rebelling against something you decide, or the Middles having a fight, or an accident on a ramble, count to ten before you react and then, quietly but firmly, take control. If you keep the panic out of your eyes and your voice, people will calm down and do as you tell them.”

I was to remember those words weeks later, as I watched her practise exactly what she preached!

It was a sunny, crisp, Sunday morning and at Frühstück Miss Annersley had told us that on our return from church we would have an hour to rest and then, after Mitagessen, we would be having rambles. Excitement rose as we cleared up and trooped off to get ready. We were not to know that some of us would not be going on any ramble that afternoon!

Miss Annersley and I brought up the rear as we walked to our chapel and I glanced at her worriedly. Since Miss Wilson’s death two months ago she had seemed very sad and quiet. I knew they had been the greatest of friends. Indeed it had been a shock to us all for we had all loved Miss Wilson. But in Miss Annersley’s eyes there seemed to be more pain now than there had been immediately after Miss Wilson’s death, and her face this morning was very pale. However, when I asked if she was feeling well she assured me she was fine and smiled at me gently.

Once inside the chapel, as I moved to sit with the other prefects, I noticed with surprise that Miss Annersley had gone to sit with the Kindergarten. To my knowledge she had never joined that group before, although she did like to sit with a different class each week. For some reason I went to sit in a pew on the opposite side of the aisle, among the Juniors, glancing at the Head’s face as I did so. She seemed even paler than before and wore a worried expression and yet, as far as I could see, no problem had arisen. I finally made up my mind and slipped across to her.

I leaned over her and whispered, “Miss Annersley, you seem worried. Is there anything I can do?”

She shook her head as she looked up at me, gave a rueful smile and sighed. “No, thank you, Tessa. Just a feeling in my bones, as my granny used to say when I was tiny.”

“Is that why you decided to sit here?” I asked and she nodded. I would have asked more but at that moment the bell tinkled to herald the arrival of Mr Stuart on the altar so I slipped back to my seat, but for some reason very much on the alert.

The service progressed smoothly, and we were all sitting quietly after the Communion when suddenly I became aware of a commotion at the back of the chapel. I looked around, seeing others do the same, to see a man shambling slowly down the aisle, muttering to himself. As he passed through a patch of coloured light from a stained-glass window, to my horror I saw he was holding a knife. And not just any knife! This was like a hunting knife, large and sharp and evil-looking.

In fear I looked across at Miss Annersley and saw she had risen to face the man as he walked towards her. The man himself seemed to have eyes only for Mr Stuart, standing now on the steps of the altar, obviously at a loss. Looking behind me again, I saw there was no other man in the place, though usually a doctor or two could be found. Today there was only a scattering of nurses in their uniforms. No help there then! Most of the mistresses seemed to be on their feet trying to quieten their charges.

Suddenly Miss Annersley’s words came back to me in a flash. Offering up a quick prayer, I sought the eyes of my two closest friends, Gillian Reece, the Games Captain, and Mireille Morin, her deputy, both strong, lithe girls, much taller than I. I beckoned slightly with my head. They nodded and very slowly and quietly, they moved down the aisle after him

The man himself, I noticed as I turned back to face the front, had stopped, as Miss Annersley had left her pew and was standing right in front of him. The worried look had left her face and she was calm, her face resolute, her eyes steady. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion and I had time to notice that the man was unshaven and his clothes dirty, though not ragged or torn. His eyes were glittering as he stared at Miss Annersley. Who on earth was he? And more importantly, what did he want?

“May I ask what you are doing here?” Miss Annersley asked in German, very quietly, as though making polite conversation. The man just stood there shaking his head so she repeated the question in English and that seemed to galvanize him into action. He suddenly raised the knife and tried to walk round her but she moved again to block him. The silence in the chapel was absolute.

With his knife he indicated Mr Stuart. “I want the money in the collection plates – and I want it now.” His voice was toneless, lacking any emotion, and the accent was Welsh, curiously enough. He made again to walk round her and again she moved. There was no threat in her posture, but she stood straight and tall. One could almost imagine her to be a guardian angel, wings furled, eyes calm, steady, watchful, alert.......

Hilda put down the book and stood up to look out of the window at the school garden, bright with its alpine plants in full bloom. She sighed to herself. To be written about like that was intensely moving, but why did everyone insist on placing her on that pedestal? She was as flawed as any other human being, probably more than most.

She gazed out of the window for a long time, lost in sombre thoughts, as she remembered her words to Ian. A pedestal was a very uncomfortable place to be. Finally, with another gentle sigh, she sat down again and read some more.

Last edited by MaryR on Mon May 16, 2005 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

#70: Author: Sarah, Location: Ormskirk, Lancashire

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 1:16 pm

Oh wow!

Mary, I know we all keep saying this, but once again thank you! It's beautiful!

#71: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 1:31 pm

Thank you Mary, very moving for Tessa to see all that in Hilda.

MaryR wrote:

To be written about like that was intensely moving, but why did everyone insist on placing her on that pedestal? She was as flawed as any other human being, probably more than most.

My answer is still as it was in my email to you last week - because despite her very real and understandable sorrow and the pain she suffered physically and mentally and the fear and loneliness she feels, she still thinks of others first, not wanting a fuss made and is so modest that it takes something as big as Nancy's actions to make her realise how much she is loved and admired by all those around her. She may be flawed but she tries very hard not to let those around her see those flaws and to present that calm, unruffled face to the world even when she is screaming inside.

And feel free to come back me on any of this - I won't mind! Wink

#72: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 1:54 pm

Another extremely moving piece, Mary - Tessa clearly possesses the gifts of a good writer and her insights regarding Hilda are very mature for one of her age.

I also love Nell's comment:

Quote:

Nell, this a beautiful summary of Hilda's character which I share wholeheartedly but couldn't express so clearly - thank you.

And thank you, Mary for your storytelling, which gives us all such cause to reflect. I'm ready and waiting for the second part of Tessa's essay when you have chance to post it.

#73: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 2:07 pm

*pokes Hilda to make her realise that yes, she's only human, but she's also one heck of an amazing human!!*

#74: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 4:18 pm

I read this earlier when I was in the lab and supposedly booking a short loan for tomorrow in between revising Norman French phonetics (*le sigh*) and it just put everything back into persepctive for me, that there is something more out there, so thank you Mary Kiss

And Hilda is wonderful, so very human Smile

#75: Author: Steph, Location: Blackpool, Lancashire

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 4:28 pm

Have just caught up with this again. Just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this with us Mary

#76: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 5:06 pm

Thank you Mary

Liz

#77: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:41 pm

Thank you Mary for allowing us to see Hilda's character, and Nell for describing it.

#78: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:22 pm

Thank you Mary! So beautiful no other words can express what I feel.

#79: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 7:49 am

One could almost imagine her to be a guardian angel, wings furled, eyes calm, steady, watchful, alert.......

Hilda put down the book and stood up to look out of the window at the school garden, bright with its alpine plants in full bloom. She sighed to herself. To be written about like that was intensely moving, but why did everyone insist on placing her on that pedestal? She was as flawed as any other human being, probably more than most.

She gazed out of the window for a long time, lost in sombre thoughts, as she remembered her words to Ian. A pedestal was a very uncomfortable place to be. Finally, with another gentle sigh, she sat down again and read some more.

“Miss Annersley...” began Mr Stuart from the altar. She quickly held up her hand to quieten him but it was too late. The man made to move round her again and yet again she blocked him, but this time the man suddenly showed anger. Gripping his knife more tightly, he leaned forward until his face almost touched that of the Head.

“I want the money, and I want it now,” he repeated, and although his stance was aggressive, his voice was still toneless, emotionless.

“But the money we give is for the poor,” said Miss Annersley very softly. “Why should we hand it over to you? Are you in need?”

“I want the money,” he repeated yet again. “My wife is ill. She needs medicine.”

Sudden compassion shone in Miss Annersley’s eyes. “Then we can spare you some of the money, perhaps, but not all of it. There are many who are in need.” Her voice was still very gentle but one could hear the inflexibility in it. She would not be bullied!

In answer he turned towards the Kindergarten, and the very lack of emotion in his next words made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. “Then I will kill one of your little ones. That may change your mind”

But Miss Annersley was too quick for him. Without appearing to move, suddenly she was standing in front of the children, her arms behind her, herding them backwards, still with that calm, watchful look in her eyes as she faced the man.

“You will have to kill me first,” she answered, her voice so soft only those closest could hear, yet rock solid, no tremor in it at all. Her eyes still holding his, she took another step back, pushing the children further away from him. They were crying now, a lot of them, and seemed too scared to move. Some of them were clinging to her legs, hampering her; others were being urged away by their teachers.

I was suddenly aware of Mr Stuart, moving on tiptoe towards us, as the man moved closer to Miss Annersley, his eyes focused entirely on her. Would the chaplain be able to stop him? Would somebody else move to help? Did I have the courage?

Maybe the man saw Mr Stuart out of the corner of his eye, maybe he just got tired of waiting, but suddenly the knife flashed and there were gasps of horror all round as the upper half of the sleeve of Miss Annersley’s jacket was immediately soaked in blood. Her face dead white, for a moment her eyes closed and she swayed, and in that moment Mr Stuart grabbed the man’s arm before he could lunge again. The next instant, however, Mr Stuart fell to the floor with a groan as the man stamped very hard on his instep.

The man’s eyes had never left Miss Annersley, and as her eyes opened and she clutched the pew back with her good hand, ready still to defy him, the knife flashed again, and the lower half of her jacket sleeve was now soaked in blood, the sleeve itself hanging in shreds. Her face now beaded with perspiration, even her lips now bloodless, the blood dripping from her arm to the floor, still she stood resolute, her eyes still calm.

She was prepared to die for those children, I realised. No matter how many times he used that knife, she would still stand there......

Even as I thought this in absolute despair, I heard Gillian behind me whisper, “Grab his legs.” Without a thought I threw myself to the floor and squeezed his legs tightly as Gillian and Mireille each grabbed an arm and held on like grim death. Mr Stuart rose to his feet and snatched the knife out of the struggling man’s hand. The man was trying desperately to kick me but I held on and suddenly we were surrounded by women, all reaching out to hold the man and stop him doing any more damage.

As we managed to topple him to the floor, and Mireille actually sat on him, I heard Miss Wilmot shout urgently, “Anybody got any rope?”

Mr Stuart was gone in a flash, to return in a few seconds with some, from God knows where. As I got to my feet, I looked around. The girls were being shepherded out by the mistresses, a lot of them crying loudly, the mistresses themselves looking extremely worried. I looked to where Miss Annersley had been standing.

She was now lying on a bench, nurses bending over her trying to stop the flow of blood. I had heard Miss Wilmot shout to Miss Dene to go and phone for an ambulance and the police, so guessed they were on their way. I moved over to Miss Annersley and saw her eyes closed, her lips compressed in pain, blood everywhere. How much blood could one person lose and still live, I wondered. Leaning over the back of the bench, I found myself stroking the hair back from her face. Her eyes flickered open and she smiled up at me. How? I really have no idea, for the pain was clearly intense.

“Tessa,” she whispered. “You were so brave. You and the others saved my life. Thank you.”

Suddenly my eyes were filled with tears. I hadn’t been brave. She was the one with the invincible courage. Seeing her head lying uncomfortably on the bench I slipped round and sat down, resting her head on my lap. She smiled up at me and closed her eyes as the nurses continued to work.

Miss Wilmot came to lean over the back of the bench, her eyes filled with anxiety. “Hilda, the girls have gone. I’ll go in the ambulance with you to the San.”

But Miss Annersley opened her eyes and shook her head. “No, Nancy,” she whispered, her voice now so low it could scarcely be heard. “ You need to go with the girls and staff, reassure them. Make sure they all go for those rambles. Take their mind off it all.” She stopped and then her eyes moved to me. “Tessa will come with me. I think she needs to know I will be alright.”

Miss Wilmot saw the necessity of all this and leaned down to squeeze Miss Annersley’s good shoulder and was gone. I gazed down into Miss Annersley’s white face. I had forgotten all about the man, did not care about him, only her. I was so proud and so moved. She had chosen me to accompany her.

Later that day, I sat by her bedside in the San. They had had to put nearly a hundred stitches in her arm and she had received several units of blood – but she was still alive! As I contemplated her white face and closed eyes, I pondered deeply a remark she had made in the ambulance before she had finally lost consciousness.

“ Miss Annersley,” I had whispered to her as I held her good hand, the nurses holding the towels firmly on her other arm to slow the bleeding. “ Where did you find the courage? You once told me always to stay calm. You did just that, but how? How?” and I could feel my voice breaking with my tears.

She lay and looked at me with love in her eyes, and her voice was a mere thread of a whisper. “ You are my children while you are in my care, Tessa. And I would lay down my life for each one of you, without a moment’s fear or hesitation.”

Unable to see anything through her tears, Hilda gently shut the book and closed her eyes................

Last edited by MaryR on Tue May 17, 2005 8:12 pm; edited 2 times in total

#80: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 8:27 am

Thank you Mary. Tessa story is beautiful. Wow.

#81: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 9:09 am

Thank you, Mary. You've more than risen to the difficult task of writing that essay to order.

Must be difficult reading for Hilda. Will she talk to Tessa about it?

#82: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 10:01 am

I've just read the whole of Tessa's essay in one go, and then I had to leave the office in order to blow my nose! It's extraordinary that Tessa's imagination should have come so close to what really happened. (What do you mean, they're all fictional characters?)

Nell's right - Hilda hides her flaws so well that it is hard for people not to put her on a pedestal.

Thank you, Mary. I know I keep on saying this is wondeful, but it really is!

#83: Author: Jodi, Location: Glasgow most of the time

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 11:34 am

Mary, this is beautiful, which is an inadequate thing to say.

#84: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 12:20 pm

Mary, I just found this when I logged on this morning (it's ony 8:00 am here!)

I'd already read the first part of Tessa's essay and commented, but when I saw this, I went back and read the whole essay in one go.

It's quite amazing how close Tessa came to the truth of what actually happened. Her essay is so sensitively written, and her insight into Hilda's character impressive for someone only in her late teens (I think I said that before).

Hilda's last sentence before lapsing into unconsciousness truly says it all - her unfailing sense of responsibility for the children entrusted to her care as Head is, in the end, always the be-all and end-all of her actions. In this case, quite apart from her protection of the children round her, her direction that Nancy go back to the school with them rather than going with her to the San is typical - she herself may not be able to take care of things at this point, but somebody must do so.

Thank you for taking my breath away again, Mary.

#85: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 12:35 pm

This is beatiful Mary, and has brought tears to my eyes.

Please carry on writing!

#86: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 4:12 pm

Reaches for the tissues

thankyou for such moving writing

#87: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 7:55 pm

Mary,

Where to start? Well...

Firstly I have to agree with others, I think it's very interesting that you've written this so close to the actual events. And I do mean interesting (now I wish I'd never made that comment in an email...) you could have made it wildly different, and yet the similiarites just serve to heighten Hilda's personality and character.

Secondly I think I've just figured out why Ian is just not right for her and he makes me a little uncomfortable, and it's exactly because he places her on that pedestal, one rather gets the idea that Nell took great delight in pulling her off it, never seeing Hilda as perfect and yet seeing what she was able to achieve. A true partner. It's probably the way that the MA sees her as well, as a human being with great potential.

Thanks,

Jess

#88: Author: Guest,

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 10:00 pm

Mary
I'm not really sure how I can add to what others have said, other than the fact that you are a gifted writer, and, clearly have the ability to really understand people.

It's let you bring to life characters that were just paper characters before - giving them reality - and showing the real relationships that exist between people, with all the nuances.

Once again, many thanks.

gypsum wrote:

t's probably the way that the MA sees her as well, as a human being with great potential.

Took me a while to figure out that MA is "Mother Abbess!". And, yes, I agree with Jess, she's clearly a better person at understanding Hilda than her brother is.

#89: Author: champagnedrinker,

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 10:01 pm

Bother.
That was me.

Not used to forums that let you post when you aren't logged in!

#90: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 10:04 pm

Mary

as always this is great - words fail me but I echo the comments of the previous writers.

Your characterisation of Hilda continues the thread the runs right through the Board - Hilda putting others before herself and ensuring that the children in her care will always be first - even if the cost of that is her life or happiness

#91: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 10:11 pm

I can find no words to say what I'm feeling - thank you so much. Hilda is a beautiful, beautiful person.

#92: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 12:23 am

Thank you Mary, this was lovely!

#93: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 4:40 am

Tess really has Hilda's essence there; it's just the sort of thing she'd do.... But goodness, it can't be easy for Hilda to read, between the pressure of that level of pedestal, and her feeling of being anything but fearless just now. Still, her care for the girls, and her advice to the new Head Girl: maybe she can accept those as part of herself? And of course, if she were truly fearless, there'd be no need for courage....

#94: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 9:10 pm

Unable to see anything through her tears, Hilda gently shut the book and closed her eyes.......

Early afternoon found Hilda, Matron and the girls from the two Sixth forms up on the Rösleinalp, having caught the little train that went up the mountainside. They broke into small groups and wandered where they would, and the first thing Hilda did was to gradually separate Tessa from the others.

“Tessa, I wanted to.....” As Tessa smiled at her Hilda stopped and swallowed, the tears she had shed after finishing reading the story coming back to clog her throat. Both of them stopped walking as she turned to face the Head Girl. “ I don’t know how to express how moving I found your story. And to use something I did actually say to you as the basis for the story........ That was very clever. But, Tessa, you do know that very few people are as brave as that, don’t you?”

Tessa shook her head and smiled. “After listening to your friend’s story, I don’t know anything of the sort. In that convent, you did exactly what you told me to do, stay calm. And that, in my book, takes tremendous courage. But I’ve watched you since I’ve been at the school and I’ve seen your self-control and your serenity and I’ve tried to be like that – but boy, it’s difficult!” and she grinned cheekily, for she was very much at ease with her Headmistress. Suddenly, though, she looked worried. “You didn’t mind that I likened you to an angel....”

Hilda shook her head, her throat tight once again. “No, it touched me immeasurably. But Tessa,” she spoke slowly and gently. “I am only human, with a human being’s flaws and failings. If you make me more than I am, then I can only disappoint you some day.”

Tessa shook her head but Hilda nodded and then looked into Tessa’s blue eyes consideringly. Tessa had always been more mature than her years, in a very quiet, composed way, and had been a leader from the day she entered the school. Was it too soon to point her in the right direction? No, Hilda decided, she was a girl who thought very deeply, as her Literature and Scripture essays showed, so why wait? Who knew when such words might be needed?

Hilda’s mellow voice was very gentle as she spoke to this girl who seemed to admire her so much. “Some day, maybe, you’ll fall in love, Tessa. But you need to love that person for what he is, not for what you think he is. You need to see his faults, and accept them, while still loving him, or it’s a false love. Don’t put him beyond your reach, or when he tumbles, as he will, you will not be able to forgive him.”

She smiled and added ruefully, “And if I should fall from that lofty perch where you’ve put me, please don’t be too hard on me.”

“You haven’t fallen in three years, so why should it happen now?” teased Tessa with a grin, but then her face sobered and she said softly, “But thank you for those words. Going away to University won’t be easy and some day I may have need of that wisdom. You wouldn’t like to stow away in my trunk when I go, would you? With you around to pass on hints and tips, how could I go wrong?”

Her saucy grin was back as her mischievous blue eyes danced, and Hilda’s delightful laugh rang out merrily, causing the others to look back, wondering what they were mssing. The woman and the girl sauntered along for a moment or two longer in amicable silence and then Hilda turned to Tessa, “I must go and chat to some of the others, dear. But thank you once again for believing I’m as brave as that, and for writing such a wonderful story. It’s delightful to know that I haven’t completely wasted my teaching career,” she added with a touch of her gentle irony.

There was silence for a moment as they smiled at each other and then Hilda admitted, very softly, “You were right, you know, although it frightens me a little that you can read me so well.” She stopped and Tessa gazed at her, mystified. Hilda took a deep breath, as though for courage, and then added very simply, “I would give my life for yours, for any of the girls in the school, while you are in my care,” and Tessa saw the truth in her eyes.

Hilda saw she had moved the girl almost to tears so, squeezing her shoulder, she left it at that, and passed from group to group of girls, spending a little time with each, discussing with them the new term, their new studies, their Prefect problems and anything else that might be worrying them. They were very open with her for, although the younger girls in the school might be in awe of her, the Seniors had a great admiration and love for their headmistress and were always glad of a few minutes of her time out of her busy day. Matron saw how encouraging she was, easing their burdens with just a well-chosen word or two, leaving their faces brighter and their hearts lighter, as was her wont.

However, when they all gathered to bring out their flasks of coffee from their small rucksacks and such cakes and bread twists as they had each put in, Hilda quickly grew more serious.......

#95: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 9:27 pm

Why? What's happened? Mary! Come baaack!!!!

#96: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 9:27 pm

I love the way she was able to speak to all of the girls, and the relationship she so obviously has with the older ones.

#97: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 9:44 pm

did they forget to pack the fruit? Laughing

thank you, mary - a lovely scene between Hilda and Tessa there

#98: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 9:47 pm

Thanks, Mary.

*Worrying rather about what's going to happen*

Quote:

“You were right, you know, although it frightens me a little that you can read me so well.”

Ah-ha. Hilda kidding herself that she hides her thoughts and feelings. I really can identify with this portayal of her.

#99: New dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 10:05 pm

Thank you Mary for another beautiful scene - a lovely interchange between Hilda and Tessa - just the right mixture of quiet seriousness and teasing for someone about to leave school, with all the rest of her life ahead of her and enter the whole new world of university. I'm sure the memory of it will remain with Tessa for a long, long time. And I really like Hilda's quiet acceptance of the contents of Tessa's essay, however unworthy of the praise she may feel.

I also love the way Hilda moves among the various groups, talking things over - I wonder what her serious talk will be about.

#100: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 8:32 am

Mary, thank you. As ever a beautiful and insightful piece of writing. I love the way Hilda seeks out Tessa first of all and then shows her love and gratitude and shares her wisdom with her. And the way she then goes on to talk to all the others and their love and respect and admiration for her.

#101: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 12:38 pm

MaryR wrote:

Matron saw how encouraging she was, easing their burdens with just a well-chosen word or two, leaving their faces brighter and their hearts lighter, as was her wont.

Just as important a part of her relationship with them as giving her life for them would be. Thank you Mary.

Liz

#102: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 12:43 pm

Thank you, Mary. It's wonderful that you're making a better job of Hilda than EBD ever did. You, and Lesley, have made her come alive so much.

#103: Author: jonty, Location: Exeter

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 4:59 pm

MaryR wrote:

“You were right, you know, although it frightens me a little that you can read me so well.” She stopped and Tessa gazed at her, mystified. Hilda took a deep breath, as though for courage, and then added very simply, “I would give my life for yours, for any of the girls in the school, while you are in my care,” and Tessa saw the truth in her eyes.

The Good Shepherd... I'm glad Hilda recognises her own readiness to lay down her life, that she manages to admit it to Tessa, and that Tessa recognises it as truth and not a trite reassurance. The whole conversation, but especially this part of it, feels like a beautiful gift from Hilda to Tessa in return for Tessa's gift of the story. I'm sure she'll treasure it all her life. Thanks, Mary, another beautiful and moving episode.

#104: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 5:07 pm

Thank you Mary, can only echo all the others have been saying - wonderful characterisation, and the insight about Ian not being the right person for her - perfect - Nell of course was, refused to allow her to stay on that pedastal.

Thanks again.

#105: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 8:39 pm

Perhaps the fruit...perhaps the lemonade.

Or is it a Nell memory that's caused her to come over all serious?

But I agree with the others (which disturbs me greatly, I don't often do concensus opionions...) the wisdom that Hilda tries to impart is an important lesson.

How many of us only learn it after we've disasterously tried to change someone into the image we had of them?

*waves hand in air*

But well written, as ever, thanks.

Jess

#106: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 8:59 pm

However, when they all gathered to bring out their flasks of coffee from their small rucksacks and such cakes and bread twists as they had each put in, Hilda quickly grew more serious and turned the conversation to Miss Wilson. She encouraged them to talk through their feelings, her heart heavy as she saw how sad they still were, and when two of them broke down she moved quickly to sit by them, putting an arm round each. She looked around at the others and her voice was very quiet as she spoke.

“You know, I owe you all an apology. You needed me to do this for you last term just after we lost Miss Wilson. I let you all down when I left you to grieve alone. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.”

Tessa, the Head Girl, blinking away the tears from her vivid blue eyes, looked across at Hilda and the latter saw the compassion in them. “But we knew how sad you were. We saw it in your eyes when you thought no one was watching. We guessed it when you didn’t tease us in your lessons as you usually do. You needed help and nobody seemed able to give it to you.”

Tears flooded Hilda’s eyes at the girl’s perceptive understanding, which now came as no surprise, and she knew that what she was about to do was right – not only Tessa, but indeed all these girls, were already well on into adulthood and one could not shield them forever. Words spoken now might make all the difference to them later in life. Her eyes met Matey’s before she acknowledged Tessa’s words.

“No, Tessa, I wouldn’t let anyone help me,” she admitted, her tears overflowing. “I tried to keep going on my own, which was very silly and nearly made me very ill. I had to go away to be taught how to grieve properly. I had to make myself vulnerable and learn how to cry, neither of which I am very good at doing.”

She smiled through her tears and Matron watched how the girls hung on every word. “In the future, when your turn comes to grieve, don’t think you are burdening your friends. They want to help you. I didn’t understand that. I felt I had to do it all on my own but I was wrong. Accept all the help that your friends offer. Be kind to yourselves and let yourself break down. Don’t be too proud to cry.”

She stopped to marshall her thoughts, for she felt they were coming out in a jumble, not in the smooth way she would have wanted. “Get help to work through your pain if necessary, as I had to do. I fell into the hands of a very wise person and I was very, very fortunate. You must do the same if you are to heal. It will still not be easy, it will take a long time, as I am learning at this moment. You may never recover, life will have changed for you, but you can learn to face the world again with something to offer.”

She paused for a long moment but no one moved. When she next spoke, her voice was deeper and more poignant. “And girls, remember, you are never alone. The Lord is always waiting to help. I have allowed myself to get angry with Him but I have also found that He is my greatest strength.”

She stopped, her eyes looking inward for a moment, and then, wiping her tears away, she added, “He reminded me only this morning, when I really felt I could not go on, that His grace was sufficient for me. And it is,” and she smiled around at them all, her eyes very soft. “And know this, I will always be there for you from now on, and thank you for having the wisdom to realise why I couldn’t be, last term. Don’t be afraid to just come and cry. You don’t need to speak. Most of you knew Miss Wilson a long time. You need to cry. I may well weep with you but it will do both you and myself good. Please believe that. I still need to weep,” she added firmly.

As they carried on talking, Matron reflected that Hilda’s words would help many of these girls later on in life. How brave she was to open up like this to them and make herself so vulnerable. But she had always known instinctively the right way to approach the girls, had always had this ability to get under people’s skins, to make them think, to make them more than they already were. Her shy graciousness had disarmed so many hundreds, nay thousands, of girls over the years, helping them on their way to being finer women than they might otherwise have been.

Matron knew also that very many of the girls, when they left the school, corresponded with the Head, asking her advice, confiding their joys and their sorrows. They trusted her, knew her for a woman of honour, and in possession of a heart full of loving-kindness. Matron herself had often wondered how the school would have developed over the years with a different woman at the helm. In a way Hilda was the Chalet School, Matron reflected – she had led it for so long, with the help and support of Nell Wilson, and had imbued it with so many of her own, and Nell’s, values.

Hilda returned from the Rösleinalp with more colour in her cheeks than Matron had seen there since before Nell’s death, and her eyes brighter. As they parted company in the front hall, Matey to go and see if she had any invalids from the rambles, she squeezed Hilda’s arm lightly, and smiled at her. “ You gave those girls a great gift today. They will remember your words in their need, for they appreciate how hard won they were. It was a brave thing to do, Hilda.”

The Head shook her head. “No, Gwynneth, I’m only passing on what I learned recently – and it’s something I should have learned a long while ago. Maybe I’ve helped some of them avoid the pain and bitterness I went through, not only last term, but also when my mother died. I should have realised that help is always there if we look for it hard enough, that we all need each other.”

Her eyes soft and rather sad, she added gently, “As Madge has told me, I need to let my barriers down, though how I do that I don’t know, as it’s part of who I am. But thank you for your contribution this afternoon,” and leaning down she kissed her friend lightly before going to change, for both she and Matey were going to Joey’s for dinner that night to say farewell to Madge, who was returning to Australia in the morning.

Hilda wondered with sadness how she was going to manage without Madge, for she had been a wonderful support, holding her, loving her, reminding her of God’s great love, just being the great friend that she was, being there for someone in great need. As she looked at her across the table, Hilda suddenly thought to herself that maybe she would fly out and visit her before she herself entered the convent. It was a country she had always wanted to visit anyway, so why not do it before losing all chance to travel?

When she mentioned this to Madge privately, as she kissed her farewell and bon voyage, Madge leapt on the suggestion and extracted a firm promise from her. Being so close in age, and also close in character in many ways, they had always been firm friends and did not want to lose each other completely.

Hilda returned to school feeling sad and lonely at yet another parting, but as she opened her bible later in bed, her eyes fell on the great promise from Deuteronomy,

“The Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms,”

and she knew, then, that those arms had indeed been there for her that day, that they had upheld her from early morning when she had felt too sad to go on, through the afternoon when she had opened up to the girls, and right up to this present moment. She also knew they had been there for her from the moment she had heard of Nell’s death, but she had just ignored them, at great cost to herself. Now, she accepted that, as long as she herself leaned on them, those arms would always be there to catch her and hold her. Her thoughts of Nell were very peaceful that night as she fell asleep.

“God keep you safe, Nell, and long may you watch over me,” she whispered in the dark. “And keep reminding Him I need His help every minute.”

#107: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 9:08 pm

Mary

this is a wonderful post with so many things in it that have made me stop and think as I was reading it. But the most important is the one about one's friends being there willing to help and that we should use them as support, knowing that in the fullness of time we will repay their support and kindness

#108: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 9:25 pm

So it was a Nell thought!

*beams* Sorry.

No prizes for guessing what I think is the most important bit in that last post - the vulnerability. Of course the girls wont yet understand what she means by that, but hopefully when they have the choice to remain aloof and safe or be vulnerable and open themselves to other people, they will remember her words and chose the latter.

Listen to me I'm discussing fictional characters as though they were real... And you think I'm corrupting you Mary?!

Jess

#109: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 9:32 pm

gypsum wrote:

Listen to me I'm discussing fictional characters as though they were real... And you think I'm corrupting you Mary?!

What do you mean, they are not real? Confused

Mary, I can only echo Jess, the point about being willing to be vulnerable, so important, and indeed, in any love, you have to open yourself up to that.

Absolutely love your Hilda - she is my vision.

#110: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 9:36 pm

Mary:

I'm breathless and overwhelmed. There is so much in here that I don't know where to start. You have given us all much food for thought and reflection, and done it so beautifully and sensitively too.

Once again, Tessa has shown us how perceptive she is in her understanding of the situation, even though her interpretation was not quite the correct one.

Hilda's admission that she herself had to learn how to grieve before she could accept help from anyone is both frank and courageous. As Matey comments, she has certainly given these girls a great gift through her words, one which each and every one of them will take to heart and treasure. I'm sure that the will all benefit from it in the years to come.

I'm glad that Madge will hold her to the trip to Australia before she enters the convent, too. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Madge doesn't find an excuse to visit the Oberland again, too, in the interim.

Apart from the simplicity and sincerity of Hilda's words to the girls, the other thing I really take from this episode is the fact that she is now able to talk openly to them about her own feelings and reassure them that they can now come to her for help, and her quiet prayer at the end of today's post, both reveal that she really is beginning to come to terms with Nell's death in a way which she couldn't do earlier.

In the end, even though she will inevitably have moments of despair her faith will uphold her, and in upholding her, enable her to 'be there' for everyone else as she traditionally has been, but, I suspect, in an even more caring fashion, if that's possible.

Sorry if this verges on sloppy, but I couldn't find a better way to put it. It's yet another beautiful piece of writing, Mary, congratulations and thank you.

#111: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 10:01 pm

Mary, this was very powerful. So much fuller and emotionally satisfying than the "mustn't be a spineless jellyfish" version of how to be a strong woman. Off to do my vulnerability practise now before bed.

#112: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 12:03 am

Thank you Mary have gt a little behind on this! Tessa's essay is wonderful. The trip with the 6th was inspired I should think the girls will be glad of those words of Hilda's in the future.

I really loved the part about our friends being there for us and not to be frightened of letting them help us, I found that very difficult as I always thought I was going to be a burden if I told them how I was feeling. Luckily for me one of them did get through to em in the end.

Mary you have really got into Hilda's skin.

#113: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 2:16 am

*very impressed by Tessa.
And Hilda, of course.
And Mary's writing!!

#114: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 2:41 am

Mary, was most moved by this last part, especially the emphasis on the need for admitting one's vulnerability to one's friends. This is something I find rather difficult, as it has always been easier to present the world with a strong facade, which is, I suppose, rather an insult to one's friends! Hilda's sense of self-awareness and the need to reach out wihtin her grief are wonderfully realised.

#115: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 7:10 am

Thank you Mary - again so beautiful and moving.

Hilda is such a giver - it can't have been easy to have opened up to the girls like that, to share her vulnerability. Thank you.

Liz

#116: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 8:07 am

Thank you for Hilda's insights, Mary - we lost a very good friend 6 months ago and, being the closest friends of his wife and kids, we helped them grieve to the point where we didn't have time to grieve ourselves. This is so good for me (in a weird sort of way), it's making me have a good cry which I probably needed long ago Embarassed

#117: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 8:24 am

Thank you Mary. Another powerful post.

I'm another who tends to rely on her own strength too often and open up to neither friends nor God enough. Thank you for teaching us all so much about human frailty and perception and true friendship.

Kiss

#118: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 1:20 pm

What can I say? Embarassed

I am absolutely overwhelmed at all your loving messages. Thank you to those of you who made yourselves vulnerable and revealed your innermost thoughts and feelings in the way that you have. It is scary to think my writing has done that to you, and I feel very moved.

If I have helped anyone by writing about Hilda and her grief then it is all due to the Lord, for He is very definitely in charge of this. I am nowhere near that mature or that wise. If I was, I would not have made so many mistakes in my own life.

I just hope I can continue to help you and that you won't be too disappointed as this story continues. It promises to be rather long, I'm afraid!!

#119: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 2:07 pm

Long is good. Especially when the writing is as powerful as this, Mary.

I've just read the last passage and the thought that came into my head was this, from John 15:

"Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Hilda is prepared to die for her pupils... but in another way, she has laid down her life for all who know her. Everyone's life is enriched by sharing in hers. Where would any of them be without her?

Thank you, Mary. God has blessed your writing.

#120: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 9:08 pm

Thank you Mary.

Vulnerability is so hard because in making ourselves open we also risk rejection and hurt. I read recently (and will probably find it was posted on this thread higher up by someone!) that the 3 hardest things to say are, 'Sorry', 'I love you', and 'I need your help'. In all of those we are vulnerable. I think Hilda did all three in one way or another in talking to the sixth form then.

I'm another who finds that vulnerability hard, even alone with God it can be hard to be that real, and with friends it can be even more difficult.

#121: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 8:44 am

I have been keeping up with this - I keep saving it as the one to read before I go to sleep because it's the one that puts things back into perspective and just gives me a genlt reminder of what is important in life.

Thank you so much for a wonderful drabble Mary Kiss

#122: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 4:36 pm

During those first weeks of the new term, as Hilda struggled still, in private, with her tears and her sadness and her continual need for Nell’s presence, she found she was carried on a wave of love and support from the girls and mistresses, although most of them noticed nothing amiss, for her iron control kept her smile in place, even in her eyes, when in public.

Both Matron and Nancy, however, watched her closely, and saw the times when Hilda’s resolve faltered, when tears were very close, but Hilda kept her own counsel, determined to burden neither of them if she could help it. She knew it was not what she had told the Sixth form to do, but her fear was always that, if she did break down, she would not be able to pick up the pieces, so she turned to her Heavenly Father instead, and left Him to carry the burden for her.

Madge had written as soon as she arrived home, reminding Hilda of God’s love and also of Madge’s own prayers for her. She also told her what a privilege it had been for her to be there for Hilda when she had needed help and comfort and that others would do the same, if she let them. But the barriers remained strongly in place, for the time being.

Mother Abbess, another one who was concerned about her, wrote to her almost daily, enclosing pieces of writing that she thought might help. One such came quite early in the term and stiffened Hilda’s resolve.

You can shed tears that she has gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want:
Smile, open your eyes,
Love, and go on.

What was left but to love and go on? And to go on with joy! With God’s arms holding her, lifting her up, she had to do just that, for Nell’s sake as well as her own. Had Nell not asked her to live for both of them? Had she not asked her to continue to guide the school for a while longer? There were plenty of other people who needed her love, even if Nell no longer did.

And, as the term developed she began to realise that that there was someone who really did need her love, giving her a difficult problem to solve. Was God making sure she did not dwell on her own pain, she wondered.

Perhaps because so many of the staff had grasped the loneliness of her position the night of the stories, they began to invite her for coffee every day during break-times. It was something she and Nell had been very careful not to do too often, feeling the mistresses needed to be able to let off steam in private, but their kindness touched her heart and so she accepted rather more than she would have done usually, and was soon glad that she had done so. For all was not well with the new Head of Science, Vivien Knowles.

It was Hilda’s invariable custom, when she was with other people, to sit back and watch and listen, taking note of people’s facial expressions, their body language, what they said and what they refrained from saying. Combined with her keen insight into people’s motivation, it was how she kept her finger on the pulse of the school, how she divined what was going on long before anyone else. Now, the more she watched and listened, the more she began to think that she, Hilda, had made a colossal mistake.

She had handed Vivien over to Vida Armitage, who taught Science lower down the school, thinking that Science would be a bond between them, but she saw that, in her pain before term began, she had not thought it through properly. Vida was ignoring Vivien! Normally a warm and friendly person, Vida did not include Vivien in the conversation in the staff room, did not even sit near her. And now that she was more alert, Hilda saw Vida was not introducing the new teacher to the customs and mores of the Chalet School.

Hilda soon grasped that Vida resented Vivien being in Bill’s place, not because she herself wanted to be Head of Science but because she had been supremely fond of Bill and they had worked well together. Was it Vivien in particular, thought Hilda, or would it have happened whomsoever she had appointed?

“Come on, Nell, I need some pointers here. You know Vida better than I do.”

These were her thoughts one evening, a week after term began, as she entertained the staff to coffee in her salon after Abendessen, and she made a point of sitting with Vivien, trying to find out how she was doing. The new teacher, who was in her late thirties, was a woman of small, stocky stature, with thick blonde hair cut in a bob, and an attractive face. When Hilda had interviewed her, she had been outgoing and relaxed, her brown eyes radiating calm intelligence, but just now they were wary and uncertain and she was beginning to look nervous and ill-at-ease.

As they drank their coffee, she assured Hilda that everything was fine, but her whole manner said otherwise and Hilda knew something had to be done and done quickly. She was not prepared to have a new member of staff made unhappy like this. Seven days were quite enough of it! She knew that in her position as Head she could not make a habit of chatting to one teacher like this every day. Nor did she want to interfere. Both she and Nell had always left both girls and staff to sort out their own problems if they could, only stepping in when things seemed to be getting out of hand – as they seemed to be doing now.

As she left Vivien she caught Jeanne’s eye and Jeanne immediately went over and sat beside the new teacher, offering her own brand of welcome to the newcomer. But most of the staff, knowing that Vida had been appointed sheepdog, did not want to push in and offend her.

Hilda’s aloneness settled on her shoulder as she contemplated the situation.

#123: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 5:10 pm

Interesting - that Vida should be resenting Vivien's presence, and that Hilda pick up on it.

Thank you Mary - nice to see new bits. Laughing

#124: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 6:43 pm

just great. How lovely to see that even in the midst of working through her own pain Hilda is able to see where others are needing some help.

#125: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 7:57 pm

That is typical of Hilda, so in character of her, and I am sure she will find a way of dealing with it.

#126: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 10:07 am

Thank you Mary, hope Hilda can get things sorted out with Vida and Vivien.

#127: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 2:05 pm

Thank you Mary - that was a lovely poem Mother Abbess sent

Liz

#128: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 8:47 pm

[

Quote:

What was left but to love and go on? And to go on with joy! With God’s arms holding her, lifting her up, she had to do just that, for Nell’s sake as well as her own. Had Nell not asked her to live for both of them? Had she not asked her to continue to guide the school for a while longer? There were plenty of other people who needed her love, even if Nell no longer did.

Quote:

And, as the term developed she began to realise that that there was someone who really did need her love, giving her a difficult problem to solve. Was God making sure she did not dwell on her own pain, she wondered.

Mary, I read this quickly earlier today, but this is the first chance I've had to actually get on the board and post a comment.

I love the poem, too, but the bit immediately following the poem just sums up Hilda's situation as she starts to come to terms with her grief and hold to her resolve to be strong as much as she can.

I really hope that she will be able to help Vivien quite soon.

More, please when you have chance.

#129: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:01 pm

Hilda’s aloneness settled on her shoulder as she contemplated the situation.

It was one she might have discussed with Nell before doing anything, though it was just as likely that Nell would have laughed at her for being too serious and getting things out of proportion. Then she reminded herself she still had Nancy, even if that lady was not yet as wise or as experienced as Bill, and Vivien actually taught some lessons over at St Mildred’s. Suddenly, however, she took herself forcefully in hand. Was she man (or woman!) or mouse? She had handled many hundreds of problems without recourse to Nell, indeed often helped Nell out when that good lady had lost her patience with a situation. Her grief was somehow undermining her self-confidence.

Yet again she wondered if she was justified in her concern or was getting things out of proportion and perhaps should leave well enough alone. There had often been times when she had felt she was over-reacting and then Nell had surprised her by her response. She remembered something that had happened the second term the school proper had been in the Oberland. They had been four weeks into the Easter term and Nell had come over to sort out some business. She had been sitting on the couch going over some papers and had suddenly raised her eyes to look over at Hilda, who was standing at the window staring out at the snow-covered garden.

“Hilda, what’s wrong?” she asked gently. For a moment or two there was no answer, then Hilda turned to lean her back against the window so that Nell could not see her expression against the bright light streaming through the window. Hilda folded her arms as though hugging herself.

“Why should anything be wrong?” she asked quietly. Nell put down her papers.

“Because your mind’s not on this discussion, because you’ve been distrait the last couple of weeks and because Gwynneth is worried about you. She says you have the look of someone who is not sleeping properly but you keep assuring her you’re fine.” She paused, wishing she could see Hilda’s face more clearly, then continued gently, “Hey, this is me, remember. If you can’t tell me then it must be bad.”

Hilda stared at her for a while, searching her face, as though wondering whether to trust her, which Nell found strangely hurtful. Then suddenly Hilda moved to the desk. She opened the bottom drawer, took out a large brown envelope and from it withdrew a bundle of small sheets of paper clipped together. She stood looking down at them for a moment and, with astonishment, Nell saw Hilda’s hands were trembling. Eventually, Hilda walked over to Nell and dropped the papers in her lap, then went to perch against the desk.

Puzzled, Nell picked up the papers and then blinked. Across the first sheet was written in anonymous black capitals “I HATE YOU!” She flicked through the other sheets, some fifteen in all, to find they all bore the same message. She stared blankly, then looked across at Hilda and saw she was biting her bottom lip in her anxiety. Nell also now saw how pale she was and that there were purple smudges under her eyes. Gwynneth had been right!

“This is a joke, right?” Nell asked slowly, but Hilda just stared at her and shook her head. “Then, excuse my French, Hilda, but where the bloody hell do they come from?”

Hilda shrugged her shoulders, and when she answered her voice was leached of all its richness. “I don’t know. I’ve found them under the door here and under my bedroom door. I even found one on the lectern one morning.”

Suddenly Nell threw them from her as though they were live snakes and began to prowl the room restlessly. “How long have they been coming?” she snapped.

“The last ten days, sometimes two a day.”

“And you don’t recognise the writing?” Hilda shook her head as Nell continued, “And the paper is from a common or garden writing pad.” She paced some more. “Have you made any attempt to find out who it is?”

“How?” The word dropped from Hilda’s lips almost with despair and, looking sharply at her, Nell sank back on the couch and held out her hand.

“Come and sit down, love. No wonder you look all in.” Hilda slowly moved over and sat down beside Nell, laying her head tiredly on Nell’s shoulder when Nell pulled her close. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Nell asked gently.

“I thought you might feel I was over-reacting, that it was just a harmless prank,” murmured Hilda sadly.

“Hardly!” ground out Nell between clenched teeth.

“But you often DO accuse me of making a mountain out of a molehill. Remember when Lavendar Leigh and her cohorts caused the stove lid to explode, giving us all a bad fright, and it damaged the floor? You told me not to go all tragedy queen over it – mocked my worry and laughed till you cried.”

Hilda’s voice was ragged, as though she was close to tears, which was most unlike her, Nell reflected, and she hurried to reassure her. “But, love, you’d given them a hefty punishment and, after all, nobody was hurt. This is different. YOU are hurt, and that hurts me.”

Hilda was silent a moment and then said, her voice still ragged, “ Thanks for that, Nell. But if I’m hurt, so is someone else. Whoever is doing this is one very unhappy girl, or so it seems to me.”

Stunned, Nell loosened her grip of Hilda and, putting a finger under her chin, lifted up Hilda’s face to meet her own. “Are you telling me THAT is what is bothering you?” When Hilda nodded Nell said in awe, “You never cease to amaze me, sweetheart. I want to murder the perpetrator – and you want to comfort her!”

She hugged her close again. “And you’re upset that you can’t find out who it is so you can help her. God help me, love, I was sitting here wanting to skin the little monkey alive. But you’re right as usual – and I’m more sorry than I can say that you didn’t tell me for fear I would think you were getting it all out of proportion.”

When she thought Hilda had calmed down she took her arms from around her and, turning to face her, took her by the shoulders. “Hilda, look at me! I know I tease the life out of you but, seriously, it’s not often that you get it wrong. You understand people too much to do that. I only tease you to stop you working yourself up into a state about it – like you are now. Do you understand?” she asked gently and Hilda smiled, some of the strain gone from her face. “I’m not surprised you’re upset at the moment - you’re tired out. Let’s go and find Gwynneth and enlist her help. And TELL us in future,” she ordered her friend.

In the end it was Matey who solved the conundrum. Doing a drawer inspection one day she spotted writing paper that looked familiar and a black pen. The drawer in question belonged to Sophie Matthieu, a thirteen year old in Lower IVB, who had been new to the school the previous term. However, the French girl had refused to say anything to Matey.

It was Hilda who got through to the girl and held her in her arms as she cried, finally spilling out that she was desperately unhappy because her parents were divorcing and that she hated being away at school not knowing what was happening at home. She had somehow convinced herself it was all Hilda’s fault for keeping her there against her will, since she was the Headmistress. Returning to school after the Christmas break had only intensified her feelings against Hilda, hence the letters.

Hilda’s compassion for the girl went deep and she invited the parents to the school, so they could all discuss the situation. Sophie’s parents were so horrified that, in uniting to help their daughter, they re-discovered their love for each other. So all was well and Hilda learned her lesson – tell Nell if she had a problem, even if she DID get laughed at occasionally, and Nell learned not to tease quite so much, because in fact, most of the time, Hilda’s worries were spot-on.

Was she spot-on this time? Or would it all sort itself out without her intervention? After the staff had gone and she was ready for bed, she knelt and prayed about the situation, but once in bed she tossed restlessly as she searched for the best thing to do. Her dreams that night were chaotic, with Nell, Vida and Vivien all somehow mixed up and she woke feeling sombre and ineffectual.

The day and the situation seemed beyond her capabilities that morning and she ached for the understanding of a close friend. She roused herself – she had one, the best one of all. Closing her eyes, she breathed a silent prayer: “You are my God, my only place of safety. I trust You to help me with this situation and, please....... lend me one of your smiles this morning, for I really can’t find one of my own.”

That short prayer helped to get her out of bed and though breakfast and prayers with her usual friendly smile that always lit up her whole face – borrowed as it was, she reflected, it was probably better than one of her own. As she sat in her office after prayers and Head’s notices, she decided she would have to do one of three things – discuss it all with Nancy, have a word with Vida about how she was finding life at the moment or try to get Vivien to open up and tell her whether she really was enjoying her new post. Maybe she needed to do all three. But then, as so often happens, some of those decisions were taken out of her hands.

#130: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:33 pm

beautiful. There are no other words

#131: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:35 pm

Thank you Mary.

#132: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:35 pm

Oops - I just commented on yesterday's post, did some e-mails, then came back here - and here is today's instalment!!

That's a lovely incident from the early days of the Oberland - and as Nell commented, trust Hilda to be looking for a way to help the perpetrator, not to punish her!

I think I know which action I'd take first if I were in Hilda's shoes, but I'm not saying. I will also wait patiently to see what's at the foot of that cliff you've so cleverly constructed - again!!

Thanks, Mary

#133: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:55 pm

Thank you Mary. I loved the flashback, a great incident to use to show more of Hilda's character.

#134: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 10:20 pm

Echoing the thanks - you have Hilda and Nell's characters spot on - Nell wanting to murder the writer of the letters, Hilda only worried about them.

This is beautiful Mary.

#135: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 1:31 am

Lovely to see Hilda able to access this positive memory of Nell. And their responses were so beautifully judged.

#136: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 4:45 am

Thanks again, Mary. It’s sometimes difficult seeing Hilda struggling so, but it’s also clear that between her faith, friends, and the memory of Nell, she will come out on the other side. Nell’s scene and Hilda’s responses in the last post were particularly vivid.

#137: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 1:01 pm

Thank you Mary

Hilda will definitely not be wasted in that convent!

Liz

#138: Author: catherine, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 1:30 pm

Thanks Mary.

I hope that however the situation is resolved, Hilda manages to find her self-confidence again.

#139: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 2:00 pm

Thank you Mary!

You've got Hilda and Nell spot on. Beautiful!

#140: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:19 pm

Mary,

Well again I find myself agreeing with the concensus...

As I'm sure you are well aware I adore that scene between Hilda and Nell, it shows the wonderful balance that they provided to each other and why they were the perfect partners, both within the school and personally.

I suppose that's actually the greatest challenge that Hilda now faces, how to lead as well as she always has done, but without that counter balance.

I suppose it's a challenge we all face at some time, how do you ever know that your memory of someone or something is accurate? At what point in time do you stop remembering and start re-inventing? Or is that only the kind of comment one produces after a Radio 4 arts discussion on memory?

Jess

#141: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:36 pm

Please post some more Mary. I am loving this so much and you usually post everyday. Where's todays offering please?

#142: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:07 pm

Mary I have just realised I only read as far as the poem on Saturday night and as I was distracted by RL never got back to finish reading and to comment upon it.

I loved the poem - I nearly quoted some of it to the person I was with on Saturday but I didn't like to without permission.

I can see how hard Hilda is trying to overcome her grief and how difficult she is finding it especially when she is alone but also at times she and Nell would have shared. This is so true to life, I have been there and done that.

Sundays post was so real, you have the reactions of Hilda and Nell so well I can see it happening. I would like her to discuss the problem with Nancy as that will give her more input and Nancy is still probably closer to the level of the staff than even Hilda, so she might be able to help Vivien and Vida more.

That last sentence doesn't seem to be right but I know what I am trying to say.

Looking forward to seeing how Hilda deals with the problem.

#143: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:23 pm

Pat wrote:

Please post some more Mary. I am loving this so much and you usually post everyday. Where's todays offering please?

Yes, ma'am! Rolling Eyes

I'm obviously becoming far too predictable! I ought to make you wait for my pearls.....

As she sat in her office after prayers and Head’s notices, she decided she would have to do one of three things – discuss it all with Nancy, have a word with Vida about how she was finding life at the moment or try to get Vivien to open up and tell her how she was really finding her new post. Maybe she needed to do all three. But then, as so often happens, some of those decisions were taken out of her hands.

Vivien knocked on the door at break time to complain bitterly about a girl in Upper VB, and as she poured out her tale Hilda’s heart sank. Breathing a prayer for help she asked Vivien to send the girl to her immediately. As the girl came in to stand before the desk Hilda gazed at her meditatively. Marianne Williams was a tall girl with a long blonde plait, and there was sullenness in her hazel eyes as she gave Hilda look for look. Not a good start!

“Tell me, Marianne, first of all,” she began, her voice like ice, “why you found it necessary to be so careless in a Science laboratory? You have had the rules well drilled into you all by Miss Wilson and Miss Armitage over the years. The rules are there for your protection. So what possessed you to pass papers to your friend across the open flame of a bunsen burner? I take it you are old enough to understand the danger of a naked flame? Or has the long holiday deprived you of your senses?”

The voice was biting but Marianne merely shrugged her shoulders and stared into Hilda’s grim eyes, now turned slate-grey. “It was Susan’s fault. She didn’t get hold of them properly and dropped them onto the flame.”

“And suffered for it!” Hilda’s voice snapped back at her like a whip at this passing of blame. “One hand was slightly burnt when the papers caught fire. You were both fortunate that Miss Knowles was so quick with the fire extinguisher or it could have been a lot worse. Susan’s books caught fire where she dropped those burning papers. Do you have any idea how quickly a fire can spread – or what such a fire could have done to all the chemicals to be found in a laboratory?”

She paused and let silence fall, and suddenly Marianne found she could no longer face those grim, grey eyes and her own fell. Hilda let the silence linger, sensing the girl was beginning to squirm, and then said quietly, her voice still dripping ice, “The problem is, Marianne, the whole problem is, that this incident is all part and parcel of why you are really here. Your insolence towards Miss Knowles. That incident was a blatant act of defiance and Miss Knowles says that your whole attitude towards her has been one of total insolence and defiance since the term began. Why?” and she cracked out the last word.

“She’s not Miss Wilson,” blurted out the girl, Hilda’s tone of voice somehow forcing the confession from her.

“And?” The word fell from Hilda’s mouth like a sliver of ice, though her very heart had faltered at the girl’s words.

“She’s just.....not Miss Wilson,” the girl repeated, not able to find words to express what she meant.

Hilda spoke grimly. “Miss Wilson is dead, Marianne,” and Hilda had to close her eyes as she said those harsh words because they hurt her so much. Opening them again she saw the girl was staring at her open-mouthed in shock, for she had looked up at Hilda’s words and seen the searing pain that had flashed across Hilda’s face. Hilda stared back at her, unaware that Marianne had seen her face, but knowing she was going to have to continue to be blunt to get through to this girl who had been a problem from the time she had entered the school two years previously.

“Miss Wilson is dead, Marianne,” she repeated, and although her voice had lost some of its ice and gone very quiet, she managed to keep it firm. “So how can Miss Knowles be she, any more than I can or Miss Derwent can? We are each one of us totally unique, child. If what you say is true, does that mean you would be insolent towards me if I were to take your Science lesson, as I am not Miss Wilson?”

Marianne shook her head violently. No girl in the school would ever dare defy Miss Annersley, though just why that should be so the girl could not say, for the Head was well-known as the gentlest person on the staff – except when aroused, as she was now. Then watch out!

Hilda considered the tall girl in silence for a moment. “Then if you wouldn’t be insolent towards me, why towards Miss Knowles?” she asked as though she really wanted to know, and in response to that, and also, unknowingly, to the pain she had seen in the Head’s face, Marianne lost her sullen attitude and struggled for an honest answer.

“Because.......because she doesn’t make me respect her. She talks quietly during the lesson, she doesn’t get angry when I’m cheeky, just... she just looks at me for a moment in silence and then ignores it, as though..... as though it’s not worth commenting on...” and the girl ran down.

“Which it probably isn’t,” said Hilda dispassionately, thinking how like her own teaching style this sounded, at the same time groaning inwardly, “Oh, Nell, look where your sarcastic tongue has got us!”

She looked searchingly at the girl. “What you’re saying is, that it was Miss Wilson’s sharp comments that kept you under control, that you didn’t dare push her too much for fear of a serious tongue-lashing or a stinging punishment?” Marianne nodded, realising the Head’s anger had gone but not yet daring to relax.

The Head’s eyes were still regarding her keenly but her voice was gentle as she continued. “Marianne, you’re a Senior now. Discipline from others should no longer be necessary, as we would hope you have developed some self-discipline. You’re doing your O Level exams at the end of this year and you should now be working hard through interest in the subject, not through fear of punishment.”

Marianne looked down and blushed scarlet for she knew the Head was correct in everything she had said. Hilda continued remorselessly, “You’re not a child any more, my dear, and I don’t want to treat you as such, but I will if this continues. May I rely on you to try to change your attitude?”

The girl looked up and nodded, but then squirmed in horror as the Head added blandly, “Of course, because you have been so rude to Miss Knowles in front of the others, you will also apologise to her in front of the others.” She waited, knowing that this proud girl would hate it but eventually Marianne nodded, her eyes now reflecting her shame. “And you will also write up all Susan’s notes for her until such time as her hand is better. I’m afraid that means losing quite a lot of your free time.”

There was silence in the room as the two people there thought over what had been said. When she thought she had given the girl enough time to consider, the Head suddenly changed tack. “May I ask you, Marianne, before you go, are there others who feel as you do about Miss Knowles?” Marianne looked at the floor and nodded again, and the Head continued in a reflective tone, “It’s just that they are more afraid of punishment so their behaviour is more underhand?” The girl lifted her face and stared, wondering how the Head could possibly know all that, and then stood watching as the Head thought things over.

Finally she stood up and went into Rosalie’s office, coming back a moment later and leaning on the desk in front of the girl. “I see you have Science first thing tomorrow afternoon. I shall collect you so you can make your apology, and then I hope we will see an improvement in your behaviour,” and she looked searchingly into the girl’s eyes. Then she added something that surprised the girl.

“You’re a strong character, my child, but up until now you have not been a force for good in your own form or in the school. Perhaps you could reflect on this and give a lead in helping the others to modify their behaviour and attitude. A lot of them would follow you, you know,” and there was appeal in the suddenly gentle voice.

Marianne left the room feeling in some ways less like a girl than a worm but in other ways somewhat buoyed up, and that flash of pain she had seen in the Head’s face had caused her to suffer a sea-change. Although now a Senior, it had never before occurred to her that adults could hurt,and somehow she knew that Miss Annersley’s hurt was a great deal worse than her own. Perhaps this was something she could do for her Head.

Little did she know that the woman she had left behind was now sitting in an armchair by the window, her face buried in her hands, weeping bitter, silent tears.

#144: Author: Katarzyna, Location: North West England

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:31 pm

Thank you Mary, please don't make us wait for too long for the next installment.

*off to bed all happy now i've read the update*

#145: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:34 pm

I am so glad that that wasn't me in front of Hilda! Isn't it strange that children don't see adults as people with the same emotions that they have?
Thank you for posting that Mary.

#146: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:34 pm

Thank you Mary. Lovely to see Hilda dealing with the girls and not hiding her pain from them. Interesting that the problem is in the staffroom and the classroom, I suppose Hilda will need to tackle it on both levels, although for this class at least I think the problem is solved.

Glad I stayed up for this.

#147: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:34 pm

Mary - fabulous as always - I can see how the girls were afraid of Nell's sarcastic tongue even though she was popular out of school. Pity is making things harder for her replacement. Hilda's bluntness got through but has left her so upset. Reckon she will make her point again to the full class tomorrow despite her own feelings

#148: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:37 pm

Aw poor Hilda. What an awful thing to have to deal with when she feels so bad herself. I can see how some of the girls could feel like that, though one would hope they would behave better but it is understandable at their age. Glad she found a way to sort the problem. I wouldn't like to be a pupil in that room when the apology happens.

Thank you Mary. This must be taking so much out of you to write.

#149: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 10:21 pm

Mary - I just found this, having been flicking your story on and off all day to see if you had posted!!!

This is absolutely stunning - there is no better word for it - once again, I'm reeling with the impact of this episode.

How Hilda can get through to people like Marianne and really find out what's motivating them never ceases to amaze me. I do hope that final comment of hers will make Marianne really sit up and take notice - I somehow think it will, and even more so because she actually caught a glimpse of Hilda's own real grief for Nell as Marianne gave her explanation.

And Hilda's own return to grief when the need to keep up appearances is ended is so natural, too.

Now, of course, she has to deal with Vivien - I hope that this works out all right and she can settle in. Of course, there is no denying she has large shoes to fill, is there?

Eagerly awaiting the next post - all right, I know I'm greedy and that you've only just posted this one!!!

#150: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 3:34 am

Oh, excellent! Miss Annersley in true form, despite everything -- and Marianne taking a real step into adulthood.

Poor Hilda, though.

#151: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 7:14 am

Thanks Mary, that was so in character, both for Hilda and for someone suffering almost paralysing grief. I don't think there will be any further problems from that class - but wonder about the rest of the School and about Miss Knowles.

#152: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:42 am

Thank you Mary, another powerfully moving post. Hilda as good at the justice with mercy thing as ever despite her own pain and grief. I look forward to seeing how she deals with what is looking like a more widespread problem than she'd realised.

#153: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 6:28 pm

Little did Marianne know that the woman she had left behind was now sitting in an armchair by the window, her face buried in her hands, weeping bitter, silent tears. She had criticised Nell! Nell, whom she still loved so much and still needed so badly, and it was filling her with guilt and shame.

Suddenly, as she wept, she felt an arm go round her shoulders and looking up through her tears, saw Matey sitting on the arm of the chair. Hilda laid her head on her arms in Matey’s lap and continued to let the silent tears fall while Matey held her, trying to offer some comfort. Finally the tears slowed and Hilda turned her head so she was lying looking out of the window.

“What is it, Hilda? Rosalie came for me, saying you were upset. What brought it on?” asked Matey tenderly, and listened, compassion in her eyes and heart, as Hilda, in a voice fractured with pain, tried to explain her frame of mind. Matey stroked her hair gently, hoping she could make sense of it for her.

She spoke quietly, her voice so at odds with the voice that struck fear into pupils and staff alike. “We’re all flawed, love, you, me, Nell. The trouble is, when someone we love dies, we put them on a pedestal, we sanctify them almost. We daren’t say anything bad about them, it would be like denying them. But you’ve finally found the real Nell again, the woman you loved, the one you talked about at the memorial service, remember?”

“She could be untidy, sarcastic, short-tempered and impatient but she was also reverent, generous, loyal and brave,” repeated Hilda, her voice trembling wildly. “My rock.”

“She was all those things, love, the bad and the good, so please don’t feel guilty that you can see her again in her entirety. Yes, her tongue ran away with her and she hurt people, just as you get wound up and over-anxious, just as I’m very peppery and astringent. It’s okay to say those things – after all, she would be the first to admit her sarcastic tongue. You loved her with all her flaws, as she loved you, so don’t beat yourself up about it, any more than you would beat yourself up for smiling and laughing now that she’s dead. She knew you loved her and wouldn’t want you to upset yourself like this,” said Matey firmly.

As she spoke, Hilda continued to gaze out of the window, gradually soothed by the quiet voice and the gentle hand on her head. Finally Matey was silent and Hilda still sat with her head on her arms in Matey’s lap, her eyes soft, her thoughts obviously with Nell for she was smiling dreamily. Eventually she whispered quietly, “Thank you, Gwynneth, for understanding.”

“And, Hilda, last half term I called you a brave lady, but the way you have wrestled with your grief since then has been titanic.” Matron’s voice was full of admiration but Hilda answered her very sadly.

“I’ve been anything but brave, Gwynneth. I give way so often, still ache for her so much. I couldn’t go on at all but for certain people. Mother Abbess, you, Madge, Nancy – you’ve all been there for me. And what the school did as a whole for me was a miracle. How did I come to have such a magnificent staff?”

“By being a wonderful Head, my dear,” answered Matron with total conviction.

Hilda shook her head. “I only ever did my best, Gwynneth, as I told Madge,” she said so softly that Matron could hardly hear.

“And that’s why you’re so wonderful, love,” said Matron equally softly. “Your utter humility.”

More tears trickled down Hilda’s cheeks at this tribute, and Matey added, “You take care of us all like a mother hen, and you do not have the slightest idea, do you, of just how remarkable that is?"

Matey stopped there for a moment as a memory flashed into her mind. "Remember when my sister died a few years ago? Who refused to let me continue working, even though I insisted? Who literally forced me to go to Jo’s so I had no choice but to break down and so recover? You did, my dear, and you do it time and time again. Nothing is too much trouble for you where your staff or the girls are concerned. Tessa was right, up to a point. You would give your life for the girls. But I have a feeling that, when push came to shove, you would offer your life for anyone, anyone at all.”

Her voice had grown very quiet as she said those last words, and she let silence speak for her a moment before she added, her voice gruff with her love for her Head, “You do a great deal more than your best, Hilda - and no, I’m not putting you on any pedestal, just stating facts. You know me by now; I don’t pay compliments.”

Hilda’s tears had continued to fall as Matey had spoken, and now she shook her head, and buried her face in her arms and wept quietly at this accolade from her friend. Matey’s hand still lay gently on her hair giving comfort and eventually her tears ceased, and the two women sat awhile in perfect harmony.

“You’re having problems with the staff, aren’t you?” Matey suddenly asked abruptly, disturbing the peace. “That’s what’s brought this on,” and when Hilda nodded, added, “Two heads are better than one, my dear. I can’t replace Nell but......”

She was interrupted by Hilda saying “Sshh,” as she sat up and wiped away the tears.

“Your advice is always worth having, Gwynneth,” she said, and her voice was warm. “And I’m not sure that Nell would have been the right one to help me anyway. She used to get very impatient with staff politics. Only, I can’t leave Vivien to suffer because I made a mistake and because people are missing Nell. I would value your ideas,” for she well knew that Matey saw all and said very little.

But although Matey had seen exactly what Hilda had noticed, in the end she left that lady no further forward. However, later in the day something occurred that gave Hilda a germ of an idea.

#154: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 6:50 pm

So very true - not to speak, or even think, ill of the dead. Yet when they were alive we loved them even with all their faults. Something that all those bereaved have to accept at some point. Lovely that Gynneth could point it out for Hilda.

As always, thank you Mary.

#155: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 7:38 pm

Another very moving post, Mary. Thank you

It's good to see Hilda in her own grieving moments as well as when she's 'there' for others - it's so true of the grieving process. I'm glad that Matey is able to bring her some comfort.

It is also good that Hilda is reaching the stage where she can recall Nell 'warts and all' - though she feels guilty about this at this point, I'm sure she will eventually come to realise how natural it is to preserve the 'whole' memory of her rather than an idealised one.

How, I wonder, will she settle the situation with Vivien Knowles?

#156: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:05 pm

I'm looking forward to seeing her solution too. It is so true that you hate to feel you are criticising people who can no longer answer back!

#157: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:08 pm

A beautiful post or two, with plenty of questions being raised. Thanks Mary

#158: Author: Jodi, Location: Glasgow most of the time

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:46 pm

thank you Mary.
God is really blessing your writing, He has clearly given you a gift for it.

#159: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:47 pm

Thank you Mary. I love the way Matey had already seen what was happening, and it seems very in character of her to wait until then. The way she dealt so tenderly with Hilda was good too, EBD always did show that she had another side as well as the tyrant we often think of and this brings that out so well.

Now interested in Hilda's idea.

#160: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 9:09 pm

Quote:

her thoughts obviously with Nell for she was smiling dreamily

Bless! I'm glad that their love was able to be acknoweldged.

Quote:

She used to get very impatient with staff politics

I can just see that in Nell, great charactersation. Of course she wouldn't care about staff politics and hurting people's feelings if they were being daft, sometimes there were so few grey areas for Nell!

Jess

#161: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 11:20 pm

Thank you Mary! So glad Matey was there for Hilda to comfort her and to be a listening ear. It is good to see Hilda seeing Nell more normally, it is so natural.

#162: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 12:39 am

And now she can see all of Nell, her flaws as well as her strengths, it means that she can never lose the person that Nell was.
Wonderfully thought-provoking Mary.

#163: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 8:29 am

Oh good for Matey Smile

So, what's Hilda going to do now?

Thanks Mary Kiss

#164: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 8:51 am

Thanks for this really lovely story Mary. I think your writing is superb!
And Hilda is just how I imagined she would be. You have managed to capture a reaction to loss and grief with great sensitivity and understanding. I have so enjoyed reading this and look forward to more.

#165: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 8:33 pm

After Abendessen that night, Vivien approached Hilda to ask if she could have a few words and, seizing this opportunity, Hilda smiled at her. “Do you drink tea, my dear?” When Vivien agreed, wide-eyed, that she did, Hilda continued, “Then let’s repair to my salon and get cosy there.” Vivien was mystified, as this was really not what she had in mind, but at the same time glad not to have to face the staff room for once.

Once seated with their tea, Hilda smiled at Vivien, who was looking rather apprehensive. “I don’t bite,” the Head said gently. “At least, not just after a meal.”

She waited until she got an answering smile and then said, “I take it you have another problem. I should tell you, before you continue, that I have spoken to Marianne bluntly and she has promised to change. But you must inform me if she doesn’t. It’s my problem now and she will be dealt with severely if her attitude persists. Now, what else is troubling you?” and the kindliness in her eyes made Vivien decide to tell the truth, even if all this did make her look totally ineffectual.

“It’s Jennifer Harding in Upper VIA.” Hilda tried not to let her surprise show. They did not usually have problems with the Sixth Form, although Jennifer, being a very timid girl, was not a Prefect.

Hilda merely raised one eyebrow and Vivien grimaced. “Her marks seem to have dropped dramatically since the beginning of term. She was achieving excellent results last year and in her end of year exams, from what I can gather, but she’s doing so badly at the moment I’m not sure she’ll even scrape through her Mocks. The prep she has handed in so far this term has been abysmal, she’s fumbling experiments, her work in class is poor and she seems generally very unhappy. I’ve tried talking to her but she just brushes me off. I’m feeling I’m letting both you and my classes down at the moment........” and she ran down, seemingly unable to go on.

Hilda waited a beat, looking at the downcast face, and then asked very gently, “And what about you, Vivien? Are you not also very unhappy just now?”

Vivien’s looked up again and seemed about to reply “Of course not!” but when she saw the kindliness and concern in the Head’s face she knew only the truth would do and she nodded her head and dropped her eyes again, looking shame-faced. Hilda quickly rushed in to reassure her, speaking quietly and sadly.

“Vivien, my dear, please don’t look like that. Whatever has happened is mostly my fault, I fear, and I do apologise most sincerely.” Vivien looked up again, astonished, and saw deep pain in the Head’s eyes and wondered. “I was, and still am, very saddened by Miss Wilson’s death and my thinking hasn’t been of the clearest. Nell was a greatly loved teacher, as well as my Co- Head, and both staff and pupils have been missing her very badly – and some of them have somehow turned their sadness into resentment against you, simply because you are not she, and I think the fact that you are so different in character is exacerbating it. Certainly Marianne is missing her style of teaching, though I think you might find that has changed.” She paused and then asked, “ How are you doing over at St Mildred’s?”

Vivien smiled. “The girls over there have been lovely and Miss Wilmot, Nancy, has been very kind, like you.”

“I would expect nothing else from Nancy,” said Hilda, also smiling. “She is kindness personified, and I think that the girls there, being more mature in their approach, have accepted Nell’s death a little better. You wouldn’t like to transfer over there, would you?”

She was glad to see Vivien shake her head. “That’s no answer and anyway I do like being among all the different ages, even if they don’t seem to like my style of teaching,” she added sadly.

Hilda rushed in quickly. “They will in time. You came with excellent references and I have to admit to you that your style of teaching sounds remarkably like my own, unlike Nell’s – we couldn’t have been more different. But we were equally effective, Vivien, and so will you be once you have relaxed and the girls have moved on a little. When I spoke to your former headmistress, she told me you had a good rapport with all the pupils, that your discipline was quiet but firm, that your teaching skills were second to none – and that you had an outrageous sense of humour that you usually kept well hidden! She also told me she was sorry to lose you and that her loss was our gain.”

She laughed when she saw Vivien’s jaw drop. “Not quite what you expected to hear?” she asked with some acerbity, for she had not been impressed by the headmistress.

Vivien shook her head and laughed ruefully. “No, we never knew what she thought. She always looked disapproving, as though we never met her high standards, and I don’t think she knew the meaning of the word ‘encouragement’ – neither staff nor pupils got any from her, that’s for sure. To tell me she said all that........” and Vivien shook her head almost sorrowfully for a moment and then grinned. “To be quite honest, I thought she hated my sense of humour. I could feel the distaste whenever I suddenly let rip.”

Hilda eyed her thoughtfully, and Vivien did not know her Head well enough to remark the gleam of amusement that suddenly lit up those keen eyes, for the face remained expressionless as she asked, “So are we likely to have outbreaks in the staff room? It strikes me, then, that you’ll fit in very well, knowing one or two of my staff.” Vivien suddenly giggled as she heard the gentle irony in the voice but refrained from comment.

Hilda laughed gaily at this restraint and then thought for a moment. “Perhaps you should let rip with your humour in the classroom, not save it for the staffroom. Or is it very outrageous?” When Vivien nodded, her eyes suddenly alive with suppressed laughter, Hilda realised just how much the mistress had been affected by her reception here and felt even more guilty, but all she said quietly was, “Well then, maybe not just yet! But, to change the subject, have you ever watched a lesson being taught by an experienced teacher? Not that you’re not experienced, after fifteen or so years,” she hastened to add.

When Vivien shook her head, Hilda continued, “Well, I know my subject is diametrically opposed to yours, but you’re welcome to come and watch me tomorrow, or any of the other experienced teachers, like Jeanne. Maybe it will help to see how we do things here. It’s not considered good practice in education, but maybe it should be, as we could all offer each other ideas on what works in the classroom and what doesn’t, and actually seeing someone putting those ideas into practice could be invaluable. Maybe I’ll bring it up at the next staff meeting,” she mused with a grin, thinking of the consternation that would cause in some quarters!

With Vivien looking a little more relaxed, Hilda decided to add something that normally she would consider anathema as it sounded very much like gossip. “And try not to worry too much about the staff. Vida is suffering more than I realised and was the wrong person to sheepdog you. I can only apologise again and say that if you have a problem, or want something explained, come straight to Nancy or myself – we’ll both help – or go to people like Jeanne, who’s been here forever like I have, or to Sharlie, who’s a very friendly soul. They just haven’t liked to tread on Vida’s toes, but if you go to the people I’ve mentioned all should be well.”

As Vivien left the Head’s study a little later she felt infinitely better, and also much inclined to a great admiration for her new Head, which was more than she had had for her former Head who had never cared whether her staff were happy, just that they did the job they were employed to do. Things were obviously different here. It had been arranged that she would sit in on Hilda’s Literature lesson with Upper VIA tomorrow, Hilda would bring Marianne along to the next Science lesson to make her apology and Hilda would also have a word with Jennifer.

As the door closed behind Vivien, Hilda sat thinking furiously for a few minutes then went over to the phone.

#166: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 8:49 pm

What a typical, wonderful way for Hilda to deal with Vivien. Hope she is able to settle now.

Thank you Mary - and absolutely love Hilda's little quip

Quote:

“I don’t bite,” the Head said gently. “At least, not just after a meal.”

#167: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 9:06 pm

Echoes Lesley on all fronts here.

This was a wonderful way for Hilda to deal with Vivien - talk about putting her at ease - and it's quite clear that Hilda will now have another extremely loyal staff member to add to the others. I think Vivien will also feel more at ease in the staffroom, too. Clearly, her last headmistress was one of the old school who believed in keeping her distance, but it must have been hard to teach under her if she never made any comments on how well (or even otherwise) her teachers were doing.

Also loved Hilda's quip about not biting!!

Is Jennnifer another one who is having trouble coming to terms with Nell's death, I wonder? Clearly Vida Armitage is.

As always, thanks for this, Mary.

#168: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 11:51 pm

Thanks Mary

Hilda is brilliant dealing with people whether they're staff or girls

Liz

#169: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 2:58 am

Well done, Hilda! That's an incredible amount to accomplish in one talk. Reassurance, logic, useful advice, friendship.... Amazing.

#170: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 7:46 am

Words fail me, especially after having caught up on so much and so deeply!

#171: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 9:13 am

Thank you MAry. Also loved Hilda's quip - glad she could have that talk with Vivian and maybe now she's realised she can help some of the others too.

#172: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 9:23 am

Thanks Mary. Hilda was great there, and it was good to see her apologising for her mistake, something Vivians former head wouldn't have done. Hope she can begin to turn the situation around now for her.

#173: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 9:55 am

Hilda's fab Very Happy

Thank you Mary.

(*gently pokes Sharlie into being nice to Vivien Wink

#174: Author: Ella, Location: Staffordshire

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 7:48 pm

Mary,
I can't possibly do justice to 7 pages of wonderful installments in one go! (What possessed me to break the computer and then have to catch up on 2 weeks worth of posts?!)

The poem made me cry. Hilda is a truly remarkable lady.

Thank you very much.

#175: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 8:34 pm

As the door closed behind Vivien, Hilda sat thinking furiously for a few minutes then went over to the phone. “Jo? It’s Hilda. No, I’m fine. Look, it’s about the new teacher, Vivien. Were you planning to invite her over any time soon? Well, instead of that, how about this coming Saturday? I think she needs some tender, loving care, “ and she proceeded to give Joey a very condensed version of the affair. “I would appreciate it, Jo. I feel I’ve let her down very badly.”

“You?” laughed Joey in scorn. “You couldn’t let anyone down even if you tried. It’s not in you. I could shake Vida though. It’s a good job you’re on the ball as usual,” and then giggled. “ I know – slang! But it is exactly what you always are, even now, when you’re feeling so rough yourself. You’re always quick to pick up on things that no one else ever notices.”

“Not this time, Jo,” said Hilda slowly. “Gwynneth noticed.”

“But she’s like you – got an all-seeing eye. You, both of you, watch and listen rather than chattering non-stop like some of the rest of us do.”

With a muted laugh Hilda hung up, still feeling extraordinarily guilty, and then sagged with relief, thinking that she had done what she could for the moment. Suddenly, though, there was a quiet tap at the door. Frowning, she looked at her watch and saw with surprise that it was nearly ten o’clock. She had not realised she had spent so long with Vivien.

Pushing her exhaustion away and straightening her shoulders, she opened the door, to find Vida Armitage standing there. Startled, and feeling she really could not cope with any more this night, she was about to ask Vida why she was there when she became aware of Vida’s uncertain stance and wary eyes. Hilda knew instantly that she could not refuse Vida her help any more than she could have refused to give it to Vivien. Summoning a warm smile, she ushered the mistress in and sat her on the sofa, settling herself in the armchair near the fireplace, her thoughts going to her friend.

“Help me here, Nell. You knew Vida so much better than I do. I may do more harm than good.”

She could have sworn she heard gentle laughter and wisps of words.

“Sweetheart, just be your own indomitable self. That’s all that’s needed, believe me.”

Looking at the downcast face opposite her, Hilda asked gently, “Would a glass of sherry help, Vida, my dear?” Vida’s eyes flashed up at this, and the understanding she saw in the Head’s eyes caused some of the wariness to vanish from her own as she nodded wordlessly. Walking over to the little walnut table near the window where stood several decanters and glasses, Hilda poured out two generous measures, surreptitiously watching Vida’s downcast face as it was reflected in the mirror over the mantelpiece. As she handed her the glass she saw Vida’s hand was trembling.

Her own sherry glass in her hand, Hilda sat quietly, knowing somehow that she had to wait on Vida in this, that she could not force the words from her. Eventually, however, something in Hilda’s composed, kindly silence won through and Vida looked across, shame in her eyes.

“I’ve come to apologise,” she began timidly. “You gave me Vivien to......sheepdog....and I found......” She ran down, not able to find the words to explain.

“You found that you couldn’t do it,” finished Hilda, her voice gentleness itself. “May I ask why? You must know that Vivien has been very unhappy.”

Vida nodded, her sad eyes pleading her case for her. “Last night, when you were talking to her, I saw how her face suddenly looked brighter than it had been since she came, and I knew.....what I had ....done. You see............” She looked down into her glass, and twirled it in her hand in her agitation. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I’ve missed Nell so much......and then.....to suddenly have someone else in her place...... I resented her.....how could she think she could replace.....Nell? I couldn’t even bring myself in the end to talk to her. I think I hated her.....everything she did was wrong....she didn’t think like Nell..... she didn’t act like Nell.....I just..........”

Suddenly she was unable to continue as tears began to trickle down her cheeks. Aghast at the stupidity of her own actions since she returned to school, Hilda moved quickly to the sofa and put her arm gently round Vida’s shoulders. At this loving gesture, Vida broke down completely. Burying her face in her hands, her shoulders shook as she sobbed out her sorrow.

“She was like.... a mother ...to me from the day.....I came. She helped......me......so much.....and I miss her so much....” Hilda drew her close and Vida wept out her pain on her Head’s shoulder.

“Oh Nell, you showed your tender side to so few, but when you did you made us yours forever! Why did I not realise? May God forgive me for wallowing in my own sorrow and being blind to everyone else’s.”

As Vida’s sobs grew quieter, Hilda began to speak very gently. “The fault is mine, Vida, all mine, and I have made two people very unhappy. I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for thrusting this task on you.” She stopped as tears began to slide down her own cheeks, but she mastered them and began again. “ I didn’t understand just how close you were to Nell but I should have done, knowing her kindliness and your shared love of your subject. It was cruel of me but I thought......”

Her voice broke and the trickle of tears became a flood. It had been a long, long day, filled with emotion as she had tried to help other people in their pain, and suddenly her own need for Nell swamped her. Wrapping her arms more tightly round Vida, she laid her head on Vida’s soft hair and the two of them wept gently together, made equal in their shared sorrow.

Finally the tears ceased, but still they held on to each other, each giving and receiving comfort, Vida feeling an easing of her pain now she had finally broken down and poured it all out. “Vida,” whispered Hilda, “I am so, so sorry, my dear, both for your sadness and for the pain I inflicted. I’ll say it again, I hope some day you will forgive me.”

But Vida shook her head where it still lay on Hilda’s shoulder and whispered back, “No, I let you down. I was selfish and thoughtless and Nell.....” She gulped. “Nell would have flayed me alive for that, because she loved you so much.” Hilda’s arms tightened involuntarily round Vida for a moment as she heard those words, for they brought Nell so vividly to life for her. As the arms around her relaxed again, Vida continued, her voice a little stronger, “My behaviour has made your own pain worse and it is I who should apologise.”

Though her eyes were intensely sad, Hilda’s voice was firm. “No, Vida, you are entitled to your sorrow. You loved Nell and you needed peace to grieve for her, not constant reminders. I should have realised and made other arrangements.”

Vida sat up at those words, wiping away her tears, and turned to face her head. But her heart smote her as she saw how defeated Hilda looked, and Vida knew it was her fault. She hurried to make amends.

“Hilda, from now on I will do my best to help Vivien if she will accept me,” she promised quietly, her eyes wide like a child’s. “I will try and make it up to her for Nell’s sake and yours. And Hilda.....” She stopped, swallowed and took a deep breath. “Thank you for weeping with me. It has helped me immensely.”

After Vida had gone, Hilda sat for a long time, too exhausted to move, her thoughts with Nell, her emotions raw and agonizing. But as the little clock on the mantelpiece struck twelve, she shook herself. She needed to sleep or she would be no good on the morrow. So being a sensible, if on occasions a rather too sensitive, woman, and knowing she had done what she could for the moment, she repaired to bed.

As she lay in bed, she left the whole matter in God’s hands, resolutely pushing aside all thoughts of her own guilt, sadness and tears during the day. She left those also in the good Lord’s hands – He could handle them better than she could.

#176: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 8:50 pm

I like!

Seriously.

Quote:

“Oh Nell, you showed your tender side to so few, but when you did you made us yours forever!"

How very true, we all know people like that and they are indeed people we value immensely.

Jess

#177: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 9:00 pm

Thank you Mary. That was so tender and loving.

#178: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 9:19 pm

Mary, each time I read one of your posts I think, 'that's it, she has Hilda's character to perfection, she can't improve' - then you do.

Thank you, uplifting scene.

#179: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 11:12 pm

I saw this just before dinner, but I just couldn't post a response immediately - my heart was too full to allow any words.

Now that I've had chance to read it again, I'll try to express my feelings about it, though I'm not sure that I'm going to be too coherent.

Like Lesley, each time I think you've got Hilda's character to perfection, you then outdo yourself. And like Gypsum, I love the 'aside' to Nell, too.

This was another very powerful scene, and Hilda certainly handled Vida beautifully. I can understand why Vida would feel as she did, but I'm glad that she was finally able to explain herself to Hilda - and I'm sure that Hilda's weeping with her like that did a great deal to help her feel better about things. And I know that she will now do her best to help Vivien.

I actually went back and read the two posts with Vivien as well as this one before posting. Here, too, Hilda has sympathised, explained, and made very constructive suggestions, which will certainly help Vivien to settle down. No doubt Jo will continue the good work when she meets Vivien on Saturday.

I continue to be filled with admiration with the way Hilda is handling all these situations, even though she herself has doubts about her ability to do so. And yet, however hard it may be for her, the very fact that she *is* doing so is also helping her own healing process. Yet again, she is showing herself as the epitome of a caring person, who will do all she can to ease things for others, with no regard for the strain it might put on herself, as Matey has tried to point out to her.

Not sure if this makes sense, but I think you all know what I'm getting at.

Thank you, Mary

#180: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 12:20 am

Have just read this and been so moved, particularly by the shared grief that had led both Hilda and Vida to make those understandable errors. And that lovely encapsulation of Nell's tenderness... just so moving.

#181: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 7:12 am

*sniffs* Lovely post, thank you Mary Kiss

#182: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:12 pm

Like the others, what really stood out to me there was the comment about Nell.

Lovely, Mary. Thanks.

#183: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:15 pm

Thanks Mary - I read this offline earlier.

I think it is a testimony to Hilda that those around her are willing to support her in anyway they can - she has obviously done as much or more for them over the years, and now Gwynneth, Madge, Jo, Nancy and so many others are just reflecting back to her, in their way, what she has done for them.

Thank you once again for writing this and sharing it with us.

Liz

#184: Author: tan, Location: London via Newcastle Australia

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 8:57 pm

Wow. Have just read this in one sitting. Mary, what a brilliant effort!! I am so incredibly impressed with how well you have brought Hilda to life. I am looking forward to more!!

Mexican Wave

#185: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 11:22 pm

Thanks Mary. This is lovely and so is Hilda.

#186: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 7:28 am

Thank you Mary. Kiss

*speechless*

#187: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 4:15 pm

Hilda woke up the next morning both physically and mentally exhausted, despite having slept quite well, her failure to understand Vida haunting her. She had let two people down, and she wondered how much more damage she would do in her grief. Kneeling by the bed, she prayed that Vivien would now be given the chance to settle and that Vida would be able to move on a little. She was determined to give them both as much support as she could, to make up for her own inadequacies.

As she sat in her office before Frühstück, wondering whether to ring Mother Abbess for a dose of her stringent common sense, Nancy rang to discuss some business matters pertaining to St Mildred’s, but after a while a false note in Hilda’s voice alerted her to the fact something was wrong. Now that she was working so closely with Hilda, she was beginning to read that lady’s self-control and impassivity a little better and see what lay beneath them. Very tentatively she asked, “Hilda, my lamb, there’s something the matter. What is it?”

Hilda swallowed before responding, and if Nancy could have seen her haunted eyes she would have been appalled. “Oh, Nancy, I’m making such a mull of things without Nell!” she said, so dolefully that Nancy was worried and hastened to reassure her.

“That you are not, pet, I can assure you. What is it you think you’ve done that is so upsetting you? Come on, tell your Auntie Nancy,” she added, hoping to cheer up the woman at the other end of the phone.

Hilda paused for a moment, marshalling her thoughts, and then asked how Vivien was doing over at St Mildred’s. Nancy’s answer was spontaneous. “She’s fine, Hilda. She’s a good teacher, judging from what I’ve heard so far.” She laughed softly. “One or two of the girls have confessed to me in confidence that they find their Science lessons far more relaxing these days and yet still just as interesting.” She paused and added gently, “I hope that doesn’t upset you, love?”

“No, Nancy,” sighed Hilda. “I’ve already had Gwynneth lecture me on that very subject yesterday. I got very upset when I found myself criticising Nell, and Gwynneth put me straight. But, Nancy, last night I found out just what I had done to two very fine people,” and briefly she explained about Vida and Vivien. “Why didn’t I understand, Nancy? So much for my vaunted perception! I just assumed things, instead of looking carefully and I hurt two people in the process. I’ve been wallowing in my own grief and not....”

Nancy interrupted her sharply. “Stop right there, Hilda, my love. You’ve not been wallowing. You wouldn’t know how! Even in your intense pain you’ve been putting others first. Look what you did for Kathie and I.” Hilda started to deny all this, but Nancy cut in again. “No, Hilda, it’s the truth! And I’ve heard from Gwynneth what you said to the Sixth Form. She was very proud of you, you know – and I think she was trying to teach me something, as well, when she told me.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone as Hilda stared down unseeingly at the papers on her desk. Nancy added softly, “Hilda, I would have done exactly what you did. Vida needed to get to know Vivien and you saw this as the ideal opportunity.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be convinced of that, Nancy,” sighed Hilda, closing her eyes as though in pain. She thought back to last night and the tears, and then shook herself. She must not dwell on it, but put it behind her, having learned her lesson. Nell would have been quite firm on that score.

She was silent for so long that Nancy finally grew anxious. “Hilda, love, are you still there? Do you want me to come over?”

“Nancy, what would I do without you?” asked Hilda, great warmth in her voice. “No, I’m fine. Thank you for trying to reassure me. And at least Vivien and Vida both finally admitted to me they were not happy, which is a step on the way to healing.”

“Finally admitted? You mean you gently, but very, very persistently, broke them down until they screamed for mercy and coughed it up!” joked Nancy, but then went very quiet as she wondered, for the umpteenth time, how on earth she was ever going to follow this formidable woman who could so get under people’s skins with her gentleness, perception and sheer stubbornness.

“Nancy, stop it!” said Hilda gently but firmly.

Nancy spluttered. “Stop what? I haven’t done anything!”

“You’re wondering how you can possibly fill my shoes,” sighed Hilda, and Nancy gasped. There indeed was an example of what she had to follow.

“Hilda, you’re not supposed to read minds,” she stuttered. “Mind you, you’ve always been able to read mine, even when I was a pupil, and you can certainly read the minds of any of our little monkeys who go astray.” She stopped and added, very seriously, “I don’t have your gifts, Hilda.”

“ No, thank God, you have your own, my girl, “ retorted Hilda very crisply, her eyes less haunted now as she tried to reassure Nancy. “You have all the gifts that you need, they’re just different from mine. Nell and I weren’t the same, as you very well know, but we were equally effective, so why should you be the same as I to be effective? I’d be more than a little concerned if you were like me. You’re unique, Nancy, as I am. You ran the school superbly while I was away and you’re already much respected and indeed loved over there. You handle girls and staff magnificently, but in your way, not mine.”

She paused for so long that Nancy thought she had finished, but then she continued pensively, “Don’t you think I felt just as you do when I had to follow Madge and Elise? I was feeling very overwhelmed and ineffectual, let me tell you, Nancy. You just........grow into the job.” She paused for reflection. “I didn’t appear fully formed, you know,” she added tartly, and Nancy chuckled at an image of Hilda, in her MA gown and hood, springing from Madge Russell’s forehead.

Hilda continued, “I made many mistakes, Nancy, as you will, but you’ve got Kathie to keep you on the straight and narrow, as I always had Nell. And without her, as I said earlier, I’m making all sorts of mistakes now, believe me,” she said sadly.

Nancy spoke very firmly in response to that. “Hilda, I noticed nothing with either Vivien or Vida and I’m sure you picked it up before ever Bill would have done. Your radio antennae are much more sensitive than anyone else’s in this establishment, that I do know.”

Hilda hung up, feeling Nancy always managed to make her feel better, all innocent of the fact that Nancy was thinking the same about her Head, who always gave her renewed confidence in her own abilities. She determined to do all she could to help Hilda by having a chat with Vivien herself.

Last edited by MaryR on Mon May 30, 2005 7:33 pm; edited 1 time in total

#188: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 4:43 pm

lovely mary, thankyou

#189: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 4:47 pm

Wonderful instalment, Mary, poor Hilda, feeling guilty for something that she couldn't possibly have foreseen. Crying or Very sad

#190: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 5:55 pm

Another lovely instalment, Mary, thank you. We see Hilda's self-doubt over the way she handled Vivien and Vida, her regret that she hadn't seen the potential for this problem and her capacity to reassure Nancy over her own doubts, all in the space of one telephone call. It's wonderful that Nancy understands her so well, too.

Looking forward to the next bit.

#191: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 5:04 am

*hopes Nancy can help Hilda as much as Hilda seems to help Nancy* (and Vida, and Vivien. But the self-doubt is very realistic.)

#192: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 9:15 pm

Hilda hung up, feeling Nancy always managed to make her feel better, all innocent of the fact that Nancy was thinking the same about her Head, who always gave her renewed confidence in her own abilities. She determined to do all she could to help Hilda by having a chat with Vivien herself.

Meanwhile Hilda, after Head’s notices in the Hall, asked all the Seniors to stay behind, and gave them all to understand that insolence and defiance and resentment were not tolerated at the Chalet School and that they would each do well to reflect on their behaviour since term began.

Some of the girls squirmed, for her voice was rasping as she commented that, Seniors or Prefects or not, any more of it and the girls concerned would lose all their privileges – an unheard of punishment for Prefects, never mind Seniors, but Hilda was determined to stamp out this treatment of a new teacher once and for all.

“What is interesting about all this,” she added quietly, her voice once more mellow as she looked around at them keenly and saw some girls blushing and others looking shame-faced. “What is interesting about all this is that it was from among you girls that I learned of this. No teacher has complained, and that ought to make each and every one of you think.”

She paused for a moment and then said slowly and meaningfully, “Girls, we all loved Miss Wilson, but she is no longer with us and it is not fair to blame, for that, the person who has had to take her place. Miss Knowles could be forgiven for thinking that we in the Chalet School do not practise the teachings of the God we profess to follow. I hope from now on you will prove her wrong.”

As she glanced around she saw even more of the girls were looking abashed, and decided to ram home the advantage while she had it, so gathering her courage and straightening her shoulders she continued, her voice deepening, her words striking home. “We all have to meet change in our lives and if you learn to cope with it now it won’t be such a shock to you as you grow into adulthood. People come and go in our lives, some leave gaps that can never be filled, but we have to accept and move on. We can’t stand still and nor can we take it out on other people.”

Her rich voice softened as she added slowly, “You would do well to remember the words of the great American Quaker, William Penn,

I expect to pass through this life but once. If therefore there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do, to any fellow human being, let me do it now, as I shall not pass this way again."

"Now is the time, girls, not some indeterminate time in the future,” she finished quietly.

#193: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 9:28 pm

I love the quote at the end Mary - it sums it all up.

Thank you.

#194: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 9:40 pm

Mary, you seem to know so many wonderful quotes, I am amazed at what you find to include. I keep wanting to start writing them all down and save them.

Thanks for another fantastic piece as well. Glad that Nancy is starting to shoulder part of the work, and love the way Hilda dealt with the seniors.

#195: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 9:43 pm

Thanks Mary, echoing the others, this is another wonderful post.That Hilda is able to put aside her own anguish and pain to hammer home a lesson to the Seniors speaks volumes for her character.

#196: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 9:58 pm

Lesley wrote:

Thanks Mary, echoing the others, this is another wonderful post.That Hilda is able to put aside her own anguish and pain to hammer home a lesson to the Seniors speaks volumes for her character.

Echoing Lesley and everyone else here, too, Mary. Not just the quote, but Hilda's own final line sums it all up - and is *so* telling.

I like the way she stresses that she first heard about the problems from the girls themselves, not from a complaint from Vivien - and the way she hammers home her message.

I think we might be asking you to create a separate document for us containing all the quotes you use in this story - they are all so memorable and so appropriate.

Thank you for another wonderful instalment.

#197: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 11:06 pm

I agree with everyone else here. This is just great. Thanks again Mary

#198: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 12:08 am

This is just so fabulous Mary

Hope you don't mind - I've just been searching to see if the William Penn quote is part of a longer one and couldn't find anything in the Quaker books I have. Then on an internet biog of WP, it states that the quote is usually attributed to Penn, but should be to Stephen Grellet - another early Quaker Shocked

I don't remember coming across it before Embarassed

regardless of who said it it is beautiful

#199: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 12:54 am

Oh, wonderful as ever, Mary! Would say more, but RL is pressing at my heels.

#200: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 2:16 am