The CBB :: View topic - New Dreams- updated 11th May

#1: New Dreams- updated 11th May Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:24 am

Hi, I'm a fairly new member of the CBB, having only found you after Xmas. I fell in love with Lesley's story "My Friend" (which youll find in SDL) as I am a total fan of Hilda - definitely my favourite character. I asked Lesley if I could do a follow up and she very unwisely agreed. Since then she has bullied me to post it on the board but, as it is my first attempt at writing anything, don't blame me if you don't like it - blame Lesley!!

New Dreams

“Oh Nell, you told me to be strong, but you didn’t tell me how!” Thus Miss Annersley, Headmistress of the Chalet School, as she sat by the window of her bedroom on the first morning of half-term. Her normally sunny blue-grey eyes filled with sadness, she looked down at her most treasured possession – a letter. A very short letter. A letter she was reading for perhaps the thousandth time. A letter from a dead woman – her closest friend, her Co-Head, “my rock”, as she had called Nell Wilson at the latter’s memorial service. A letter that had quite literally saved her life when it had arrived two weeks after Nell’s death in an earthquake in Spain.

During those two weeks, from the moment she had heard of her friend’s death, shock and grief had encased her in ice to such an extent that she had been unable to eat or sleep. As Jack Maynard had said, she was literally dying of a broken heart. She, however, didn’t see it that way. From the time that letter had arrived, shattering her icy calm and putting her in the San for ten days, she had been unable to forgive herself. She had deserted the girls and staff when they needed her most, bereft as they were themselves, but even worse, she had turned her back on God and refused to pray – and prayer was the bedrock of her existence.

In her saner and more sensible moments, she knew that she was being too harsh on herself. But her loneliness was distorting her viewpoint. Nell had always been there to berate her for being a worrier and to bring her back down to earth with a scathing comment when she got into a state. More than that, Nell had constantly chipped away at Hilda’s impossibly high expectations of herself. To Nell, that way led to madness. Now there was no one and somehow loneliness and sorrow and guilt had all become so inextricably mixed up that she didn’t know which way to turn. She was determined that today she was going to try and resolve this nightmare.

With a sigh, she laid down the letter, wiped away the tears and looked at the time – half past nine. Not too early. She picked up the phone, and when it was answered arranged a meeting for two o’clock that afternoon. Then, squaring her shoulders, she went to find Matron. That lady was to be found tidying her linen shelves.

“Gwynneth, if anyone should want me I’ll be over at Milly’s. I intend to make a start on clearing out Nell’s room,” she said, trying to keep her voice firm.

Matey turned and surveyed the clear-cut face before her. Her searching gaze took in Hilda’s pallor and the dark shadows under her eyes. She also saw the fear and the uncomprehending grief haunting the keen eyes of the headmistress.

“Is that wise, Hilda?” she asked gently. “Why don’t you give yourself more time?”

“Because as acting head Nancy really should have those rooms. And besides,” she swallowed and looked out of the window, “if not now, when? It’s already been seven weeks.”

“Want me to do it with you?” asked Matron, clasping her shoulder for comfort.

Hilda shook her head and left Matron to her linens and her own sad thoughts of Nell Wilson, making her own way out of the door and across to the finishing school. At the door she nearly turned back but, berating herself for her cowardice, went in and carried on down to the Head’s study. Nancy Wilmot, sitting writing at Nell’s desk, looked up in astonishment to see the Head walking in the door. She was about to speak when suddenly Hilda’s pale face went even paler and she swayed. Nancy sprang to her feet and guided her to a chair, kneeling beside her and chafing hands suddenly gone icy cold. Hilda leaned back and closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Nancy,” she whispered. “But it’s the first time I’ve been here since.....”

“And you saw me where subconsciously you expected to find Nell,” finished Nancy quietly.

Hilda nodded and swallowed convulsively, willing the tears away. Nancy held her hands and waited quietly. Eventually the Head had conquered herself enough to open her eyes and, taking a deep breath which she then let out slowly, smiled down bleakly at Nancy.

“Nancy, I came over for two reasons, one of them being to talk to you. Why don’t you pull up a chair so you’re more comfortable?” Nancy indicated, however, that she was fine where she was so Hilda continued softly, “I know I put you in here pro-tem when the emergency arose, but I wanted to tell you that you are doing a magnificent job.” Nancy’s eyes grew bright at this acknowledgement. “Your handling of the girls and staff, not only here but over at the main school, has helped them all over a very grievous loss – especially in the four weeks when I did nothing for them,” she added quietly but bitterly. “You more than made up for any failings on my part.”

“Hilda,” said Nancy urgently. “There was no failure. Nell and you were two halves of a whole. Your loss was so great that.....”

“It doesn’t excuse what I did, my dear,” and Hilda shook her head, staring emptily into space.

Nancy watched her anxiously, thinking how frail she looked. When Hilda had returned from the San she had seemed her usual sunny self but those closest to her had seen sadness and confusion gathering in her eyes more and more as the term wore on, though her smile was as ready as ever, and many people had commented how little she ate at the staff meals. She was becoming thinner by the day and her eyes seeming to grow ever larger in her white face.

Suddenly Hilda seemed to come to herself and smiled down into Nancy’s compassionate face.
“But I didn’t come to burden you with my problems. I’ve spoken to Madge and she’s agreed that I can ask you if you would carry on here next year,” her voice soft as she spoke.

Nancy looked up at her in amazement. “Do you mean it?” she whispered, thrilled to hear such news.

“For next year? Yes, my dear. Would you be willing?”

“I’d love it!” answered Nancy simply.

“Then it’s yours,” Hilda said, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. “There’s no-one better suited and Nell would be happy to have you in her place, I know. But will you be happy to carry on working so closely with me?”

“It will be a privilege, Hilda,” said Nancy softly.

“I’m a hard taskmaster,” Hilda warned but Nancy smiled and patted her hand.

“The only one you’re hard on is yourself, as Nell always said.”

At the mention of Nell’s name Hilda suddenly recalled her second reason for coming and her smile fell away, leaving grief writ large in her face.

“Hilda, what is it?” asked Nancy anxiously, gripping Hilda’s hand comfortingly.

“My second reason for coming over,” sighed Hilda as she struggled out of her chair. “I’ve come to start clearing out Nell’s stuff. You need her rooms.”

Nancy opened her mouth to argue but suddenly felt Hilda’s fingers on her lips, silencing her. Hilda looked round the study, so familiar to her, but now so empty without her friend, and controlled her voice only with the greatest difficulty as she spoke next. “I think most things in here are concerned solely with the job so I leave it all to you. If you want to hand her books to the Science or Geography departments feel free. If there’s anything you think is personal you can pass it on to me.”

Nancy’s eyes filled with tears as she listened to this valiant woman who was trying so hard to hold in her grief. She nodded silently and Hilda turned to the door.

“”Do you want some help, Hilda?” Nancy’s voice quavered but Hilda shook her head and opened the door. “Then shall I bring you coffee in an hour?”

“I think, Nancy,” said Hilda very softly, “ I might very well be in need of it by then.”

She was gone and Nancy, still on her knees, laid her head on the chair seat and sobbed – for Bill, whom they all missed so much, and for Hilda, whose loss was unimaginable and who was bravely trying to be her normal, sunny self for the school at large

Last edited by MaryR on Wed May 11, 2005 6:12 pm; edited 50 times in total

#2: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:30 am

Oh, wow - that's so good, Mary!!! Lesley was quite right to, er...encourage you to post it. Thank you very much. I'm hoping that because it says 'chapter one', there's more to come? Because it really is excellent. You've captured Hilda, and her grief, so well!

#3: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:45 am

There see Mary? I told you it would be well received!!!!

*Lesley in smug mode!*

#4: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:54 am

That post was so well written!
I feel so sorry for Hilda Crying or Very sad

#5: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:14 am

Mary, this is excellent, really captures Hilda's character and the grief she feels. But far too sad for 10 in the morning, boo hoo, especially as you've killed off Nell who's one of my favourites. Hope you've got some more to post soon.

#6: Author: pygmy, Location: glasgow

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:20 am

This is really good Mary. I'm glad you were persuaded to post it - and please post more soon!

#7: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:43 am

Nicola wrote:

Nicola it wasn't Mary who killed off Nell - read Lesley's My Friend Drabble and Ellie's tensions drabble to find that out.

Mary, this is wonderful, really well written - if I wasn't in the office reading it you'd have me in tears again and not many drabbles manage that. Look forward to reading more and seeing how Hilda manages her struggle.
Thank you.

Last edited by Nell on Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:47 am; edited 2 times in total

#8: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:45 am

Nell wrote:

Lesley's My Fried Drabble

*giggles*

Sorry Nell - I know it was a typo, but couldn't resist...

#9: Author: Eilidh, Location: Bathgate, Scotland

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:46 am

Glad you decided to post this - it's excellent! Am looking forward to reading more, even though it looks like it's going to be sad!

#10: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:48 am

Beth wrote:

Nell wrote:

Lesley's My Fried Drabble

*giggles*

Sorry Nell - I know it was a typo, but couldn't resist...

Beth I don't know what you talking about... Wink

*whistles innocently*

Oh the joys of editing posts...

#11: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:54 am

Clever, this technology business, isn't it?! Very Happy

I wonder if it's too early to start chanting? We don't want to scare Mary off, but...

#12: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:59 am

We could try chanting quietly and in a friendly manner...

#13: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:06 am

Ok, I'll try...

*starts chanting to the tune of "Do, a deer", cos that's non-threatening...*

#14: Author: pim, Location: St Andrews (right next to the beach)

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:10 am

Oh dear... that's the Sound of Music (à la CBB) in my head for the rest of teh day Rolling Eyes

But thank you for posting this Mary, it's absolutely wonderful, like Nell, if I weren't in the lab then I would probably have lost the keyboard now through crying.

#15: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:30 am

I'm absolutely overwhelmed at the nice things you are saying. But just hold your horses and wait and see - you might change your minds.
Can I just ask - does anyone ever do any WORK at work? How come you've all got time to delve into the CBB? You all obviously have cushy jobs. As a supply teacher, when I'm working, I'm working!!!!!!!!!
Luv you all really! Wink

#16: Re: New Dreams Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:32 am

MaryR wrote:

Can I just ask - does anyone ever do any WORK at work? How come you've all got time to delve into the CBB? You all obviously have cushy jobs. As a supply teacher, when I'm working, I'm working!!!!!!!!!
Luv you all really! Wink

Well I'm on my way out of this job which is my current excuse - but I do also have a fairly cushy job! Though there are days when i don't get near the board for work!

Look forward to th next bit!

#17: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:32 am

I'm shocked at that slur, Mary!!! Hee hee - I'm a student, of course I don't do any work! Although I should be packing to go home at the moment.

*Looks at chaos surrounding her. Sighs, and turns back to computer...*

#18: Re: New Dreams Author: pim, Location: St Andrews (right next to the beach)

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:57 am

MaryR wrote:

I'm a student and spend most my days working in the languages lab within arms reach of the pootle. Although in my defence I usually have some rubbish Spanish TV on in the background!!!

Oops... have class in 4 minutes! (<--- therein is the downside of procrastination)

#19: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 12:21 pm

Wonderful, Mary, hope there's more to come.

*needs a tissue warning though* Crying or Very sad

#20: Re: New Dreams Author: Rebecca, Location: Kendal/Oxford

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 12:25 pm

MaryR wrote:

I'm a student and it's the vac - need I say more? Besides, I handed in my miniproject yesterday (woohoo!) and I'm going away for the weekend after lunch and what better way to fill in the time than being on the CBB?

*Hoping there'll be some more of this when I'm back because it's really really good*

#21: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 12:32 pm

This is great Mary.
*Thanks Lesley for making her post it*

May we have some more please?

BTW, I'm a librarian using my lunch break.

#22: Author: Lucy, Location: Leeds

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 12:57 pm

This is really good Mary - can't wait to read more (no pressure of course Laughing

)

I do no work at work so am sooo pleased I discovered this board - would be sooooo bored otherwise!! It's a very cushy job but will all change when I do my PGCE course next year!!!

#23: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 1:27 pm

That's really good Mary. I knew it would be if Lesley recommended it Razz

*chants softly*

btw I'm another on lunch break. If you work at a computer, you're supposed to take a break every hour and I've done 5 hours solid so I need a break. I think the H & S directives actually mean leaving the computer but who cares Wink

#24: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 1:34 pm

This is lovely Mary, I'm glad Lesley has ermmm.. persuaded you to post it.

Another on lunch here, although I tend to interpret the hour a leetle loosely Wink

JackieJ

#25: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 1:38 pm

Thanks Mary - that was beautifully written

*sobbing along with Nancy*

Liz

#26: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 2:30 pm

That was beautifully written Mary, thank you for posting it and yay for Lesley too (oh and Ellie for orginally killing Nell off......)

#27: Author: Alice, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 2:49 pm

Thank you Mary, this is very good.

#28: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:08 pm

That was wonderful Mary!!
I'm glad you posted it and can't wait for the next part!

#29: Author: Steph, Location: Blackpool, Lancashire

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:20 pm

This is really great Mary, can't wait to read some more.

Am another student so of course am not doing any work Smile

(and if I have some to do you will usually find me in the procrastination party in BV Laughing

)

#30: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:25 pm

This is excellent, Mary! Please keep writing.

*still Crying or Very sad

over Nell*
And poor Hilda!

#31: Author: Donna, Location: Liverpool

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:37 pm

That was wonderful Mary (and yay for another supply teacher on the board - I don't have time to yibble at work either - though I get computer access next term Twisted Evil

)

#32: Author: Torri, Location: County Durham/Connecticut

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 6:24 pm

*sniffs* Poor Hilda.

It's great, Mary; can't wait for me

(And I'm another student, although one who should be writing essays...)

#33: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 7:14 pm

Donna wrote:

That was wonderful Mary (and yay for another supply teacher on the board - I don't have time to yibble at work either -

You see, some of us do actually WORK when we go to work. How nice to know other supply teachers work out there and not too far away either!

I can't believe how many students there are of you - I'm definitely far too old for this board!! Though as I am doing A2 Spanish I suppose I COULD be classed as a student! Though I have found since finding this board I don't have time for anything else and writing a drabble certainly occupies the mind. Speaking of which, I can't believe how kind you are all being. That will change!

#34: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 7:23 pm

Mary, stop being so negative - the rest of it is wonderful! Laughing

#35: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 7:36 pm

Lesley, stop gloating!! tongue

And Mary - I hope you post lots more of this soon. Tis lovely to read, but very tear-jerking too Crying or Very sad

#36: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 7:39 pm

Enjoying this Mary, any more yet?
*asking non-threateningly*

#37: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 8:28 pm

You are defintely NOT too old for this board Mary. Don't talk rubbish, just keep posting this great drabble.

#38: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:05 pm

You're not too old!!!!! I work so I can't post in the day, unless I get lucky and the children are all asleep for an hour or so at the same time......which rarely happens!

Please please keep going, it's really fantastic!

#39: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:15 pm

Wonderful Mary. Beautifully written and very moving.

Looking fowward to the next bit.

And I work from home, and though I try my best to stay disciplined, this place just brings out the procrastinator in me!

#40: Smug like Lesley... Author: gypsum,

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:47 pm

Mary,

Glad Lesley did the bullying and you finally decided to post this - told you it was good!

For flips sake post the next chapter and keep the rest of them placid!

Jess

#41: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 12:35 am

Mary this is a wonderful drabble. A sequel that was needing to be written. Hope you post the next part very soon.

#42: Posting and updating Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:25 am

Thanks for all your support. Before I do what Jess asks and try to keep you all placid, can someone tell me when you post the next chapter does it automatically go to the right story or do I have to put some thing in to make it do so, apart from putting the title that is? And also how does one put in the box on the left under the title that it has been updated? Does that appear automatically or do I have to type in something somewhere?
Questions, questions............... I know some kind person will have the answer for me - that is, of course, assuming you want the next part! No answers, no Part Two!!!!!!!!!!! I know, I'm an old meanie!!!!!!!!!!!

#43: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:33 am

Mary, you can post the next chapter into this thread by just pressing new post - to change the title or the bit beneath the title - click on the very first post - you will be able to amend it. It's better to have all of New Dreams in one thread rather than each chaper separate.

Lesley

#44: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 9:54 am

Yay! Lesley has kindly answered so we can have part II!

*stocking up the tissues in preparation*

Liz

#45: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:16 am

LizB wrote:

Yay! Lesley has kindly answered so we can have part II!

Maybe, but as I've just emailed Lesley, I don't undersatnd the answer!!!!!
It doesn't say NEW POST anywhere, just NEW TOPIC. Does it go in that? Lesley must have gone out cos I emailed her an hour ago and she is always superb at getting back even to idiots like me. I wanted to post new bit now, but I'm frightened it will go in wrong place. Does anyone else act quite as lily-liverish as me or is old age really getting to me?
DON'T ANSWER THAT!

#46: Author: Josie too lazy to log in,

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:21 am

I think Lesley means hit the 'post reply' button Mary, like you do when you reply to this thread

#47: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:21 am

Not at all Mary. What you need to do is click on 'PostReply' and then just put in the next bit of the story - that way, although you're just putting in another reply, the story all stays in the same place. And to say that you've updated it, go back to the very first post you did of the story, click on 'edit' and then change the subtitle to say 'updated 18/3' or whatever.

Hope this is clear.

Please don't worry about asking for help - it's always better to ask than sit and worry!! Smile

#48: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 1:03 pm

Hilda returned to the entrance hall and ran up the stairs to Nell’s rooms. She slipped inside, then leaned back against the closed door as her gaze swept the sunny room in which she had spent so many happy hours. Her knees began to tremble – she really could not do this!

“Oh yes, you can! You stop fretting, my lass, and get stuck in. They’re only things and neither of us set much store by those. I’ll still be there, inside you. You’ll never lose me.”

Hilda lifted her head and looked around in wild hope as she heard these words, but then realised, almost with despair, that they were only in her mind. But they did the trick. Taking deep breaths she managed to detach herself from the door and began to walk slowly round the room, trying to store in her memory all the little details, knowing it was the last time she would ever see it like this. Her eyes fell on Nell’s rock collection sitting on the window sill and on her precious pieces of old scientific equipment that she had found in antique rooms. She had mended and polished them with such loving care and they gleamed in the light of the morning sun as it fell on the little table by the window where they were standing. Perhaps Joey’s boys would like them as a reminder of Auntie Nell.

She wandered through to the bedroom and sat on the bed, picking up a photo frame from the bedside table. It was a picture of Nell and herself, taken on a walking holiday some years ago, when they had both been so happy to be together. How fit Nell looked! Hard to think of that body crushed and broken......... Nell had admitted in her letter that death would be a respite from her dreadful pain, and Hilda found that unbearable to live with. She closed her eyes, but the image of Nell’s body crushed and broken was engraved on her mind. Nell had been in agony before she died and she, Hilda, had not been there to comfort her, to assure her that she was loved. How that hurt! The guilt she felt over not being able to take away her friend’s pain was only adding to her burden.

Ruthlessly forcing the image away she looked at the books on the bedside table. She saw that one was a poetry book she herself had recently given Nell. Opening the cover she read the words she had written to her friend:

“You know how I feel
You listen to how I think
You understand...........”

In Nell’s bookcase were other poetry book and novels she had given to Nell alongside the detective novels and science fiction her friend had loved. She laughed softly to herself as she remembered Nell’s expostulations every time another book of poetry appeared in her room but she always read it, and gave Hilda the benefit of her pithy comments, while making sure that a book about some scientific discovery appeared as if by magic in Hilda’s room.

She opened the wardrobe door but then slammed it shut again – that she couldn’t face today.
Returning to the other room she sat at Nell’s desk. How tidy it was! Most unlike its usual state when its owner was working there, books and papers piled high, and often tumbling to the floor as she scrabbled through them searching for a particular document or book. Hilda opened the top drawer – stationery and pens. Closing it she opened the bottom drawer and grew still. Staring up at her was her own handwriting. The drawer was full of letters, tied together in small bundles with ribbon, which was hardly Nell’s style at all.

Hilda felt herself go cold as she recognised what these were. These small bundles contained letters she had written to Nell. Forcing herself to move, she picked up one bundle and placed it on the desk. There was a date written on a piece of paper and stuck through the ribbon. The date was the year Nell had come out to the Oberland to open St Mildred’s. She picked up one or two others – all had dates on them. As she rummaged she saw that the largest package was the year of the coach accident, when they had been apart for a whole year, apart from the odd visit from Nell while Hilda made her slow and painful recovery.

She was stunned! Why had Nell saved them all, even postcards? She was the most unemotional and unsentimental of people, although Hilda herself had so often seen her tender side, and heard tender words from her that no one else would ever suspect Nell Wilson of using. Had Hilda’s thoughts meant so much to Nell that she would save these letters when she actually hoarded so little? Slowly, carefully, she untied the ribbon and picked up an envelope. She drew out the letter and saw it was one written while she was still in hospital, still suffering those appalling headaches to judge by the illegible scrawl. Pulling another, she saw it was the Christmas card she had given Nell that year during one of Nell’s visits.

Suddenly, without warning, the impact of the love her friend had had for her, and the fact that it was gone forever, hit her like a sledgehammer. A wail burst from her and pillowing her head on her arms she sobbed broken-heartedly.

She didn’t hear Nancy knock and enter the room, didn’t hear Nancy phone Matey, was scarcely aware of Nancy’s arm round her or the words she crooned to her softly. It was only when Matron and Nancy between them lifted her and carried her through to Nell’s bed that awareness returned. Matron covered her and Nancy went off to make some hot, sweet tea. Gradually Hilda’s sobs eased and she lay there shivering as Matey smoothed the hair away from her damp face, feeling very anxious about her.

“It was too soon Hilda,” she said gently. “You should have waited.”

“Gwynneth, I was fine,” whispered Hilda, her breath still catching on sobs, “until I saw what was in Nell’s drawer. Go and have a look.”

As Matron stood staring down at the letters Nancy returned with the tea. She moved to the desk to see what was causing Matey such consternation – then she too saw the letters.

“Such love!” she whispered in awe. “How can she bear it, Gwynneth?”

“She’s bearing it like so many others have to,” answered Matey. “She’s bearing it with such grace that most people think she has accustomed herself to her loss. All they’ve noted is an added sweetness in her manner.”

“But few have noticed,” reflected Nancy, tearfully, “that when she thinks nobody is looking, her face is unbearably sad.”

Matron’s face became very serious, her eyes grave, as she nodded. “And nobody knows that she barely sleeps. I’ve stood outside her door and listened to her pacing the floor.”

“Gwynneth!” gasped Nancy, her eyes wide with shock. “Why don’t you go in and comfort her?”

Matron looked at her, wondering how she could possibly explain how much it hurt her to leave Hilda to suffer in that way. “Because I’m hoping if I leave her be that she’ll start to cry. She’s cried very little and she needs the release. She exerts too much control over herself but she can’t begin to heal while she holds it all inside her. Maybe these tears today will help.”

“She also needs to eat,” said Nancy. “ Several people have commented her appetite is non-existent. Can’t you do something?”

Matey nodded. “I’m working on it. Now let me put these letters back in ............”

“Leave them, Gwynneth,” came a quiet voice behind her. “If Nancy could find me a box I’ll take them with me - and this photo.”

“Hilda, you should be resting,” said Matey, anxiously guiding her to the chair. She took the tea from Nancy, making Hilda drink it, and they watched thankfully as a faint tinge of colour crept back into the white cheeks. Bending over her, Matey continued gently but firmly, “I’m taking you back and you’re going to bed for a couple of hours.” But Hilda put her gently to one side and stood up in one fluid motion, turning to the desk where the letters were lying.

“I’m fine, Gwynneth. I don’t have time for a nap. I have an appointment at the San at two and it’s half eleven now.” Her voice was calm, but her eyes were grey and flat. With trembling hands she took the box that Nancy brought and filled it with the letters, then placing the photo on top she picked it up and walked to the door. “I’ll see you both later at Mitagessen,” she said and was gone.

“I’ll leave her to find her own way back,” sighed Matron. “ Those tears are still too close.”

She was right. Tears were trickling slowly down Hilda’s cheeks as she walked back and by the time she reached her rooms she was shaking. Putting the box down she went to wash her face then, going into her bedroom, she opened a drawer and took out a large box. Returning to her private salon she opened it and withdrew packages of letters tied up with ribbon. She sat down and began to read, shutting out the sad present and listening to her friend’s voice ........

Last edited by MaryR on Fri Mar 18, 2005 2:42 pm; edited 2 times in total

#49: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 1:14 pm

Just wow. Such pain, such grief, such guilt.
This is amazing, so well written, so much emotion. I couldn't even cry.
Thank you Mary.

#50: Italics Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 1:16 pm

Can someone help, please. When I submitted the second part of my story, although I managed to get the right parts into italics, how do I get rid of the speech marks, because it will spoil later posts, and also HOW do I get it so the verses I want in the middle of the page, like the words Hilda wrote in the book, actually stay in the centre. There's no tools to help one do this and it helps them to stand out. Isuppose the alternative would be to put those bits in colour. Thanks in advance. Hope you had your tissues ready!

#51: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 1:27 pm

Mary,

It's a matter of html coding it (I think) that's the way I've always had to do it in he past!

Jess

#52: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 1:28 pm

Mary - you should just be able to delete the speech marks in the post before you press submit. I hope.

As far as I know you can't centre text in the middle of a post - quite happy to be corrected though. So maybe you could try colour if you wish. Though I think it worked fine with the italics.

Thank you again.

#53: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 3:33 pm

Thank you Mary

So emotional and very very real

#54: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 4:04 pm

Wonderful Mary,thank you. Glad Lesley persuaded you to post this.

#55: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 4:36 pm

This is just wonderful Mary - thankyou so much for having the courage to post it

I spend quite a bit of time on here, because I'm not working due to ME at the moment, so use the CBB as one of my chill out/cheer up things

#56: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:40 pm

That was amazingly deep and moving without being in the least bit sentimental. You've got a real talent for this, Mary. Thank you.

I have to ask. Do you do much writing? I can't believe this is a first attempt.

#57: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 6:10 pm

Thank you Mary.

That was beatiful.

Poor Hilly though Crying or Very sad

#58: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 6:12 pm

This is amazing, Mary. Thank you so much.

I've been spending more time than usual on the board over the last couple of weeks. I've been a more supervisory boss than usual thanks to personal woes! But, being the boss and knowing the CBB is one of the things that keeps me sane, I usually check for essential updates first thing in the morning, at lunchtime and at the end of the day.

#59: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 6:21 pm

Thanks Mary

Hilda's pain and grief are so real here - I feel them for her!

Liz

#60: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 6:32 pm

patmac wrote:

Pat, I can assure you it is the first story I have ever written. As for real talent, ask Lesley and Jess (gypsum) how often I have gone to them, not for help with the story so much as for a much-needed boost of confidence, something of which I have nothing at all. Both of them have kicked me sharply several times and told me I could do it and to get on with it,gypsum quite forcefully at times - she'll kill me!!! I'm still not convinced but thanks to all for the plaudits. Maybe it's all that life experience us oldies have got - not!!! Also I am an avid reader and I'm sure that helps.

#61: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 7:09 pm

Both of them have kicked me sharply several times and told me I could do it and to get on with it,gypsum quite forcefully at times[quote]

And are the rest of us glad that they have done so!

This is a great piece, Mary, very moving. I'm looking forward to the rest.

#62: Author: Emily, Location: Land of White Coats and Stethoscopes.

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 7:41 pm

Mary this is just beautiful, and a perfect continuation of 'My Friend'. Thanks for posting.

#63: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:13 pm

There are quite a few of us who hadn't written anything before the CBB, me included, though I always told myself bedtime stories to help me get to sleep! Embarassed

Lesley and Gypsum were right to prod you into posting this, and I hope the reaction is giving you more confidence. I know how strange it can be at first though.

#64: Author: Eleanor, Location: Eastbourne

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:53 pm

Am really enjoying this, and am looking forward to more.
(I don't CBB at work, not enough time, too many kids to throw out of the library!!)

#65: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 9:16 pm

Mary, this is really good. I am so glad that you were talked into posting it, and hope that you carry on withh it.

Most of us have a lack of confidence when we post drabble, I still feel sick doing it sometimes, esp if it is something new. Don't worry about that, just read all the encouraging comments and carry on. It's ok to ask questions as well, everybody here is very helpful and will try and answer, and if you don't want to post in public then PM any of the mods and they will help.

Back to the drabble...this is so well written, the raw emotion comes through without any feeling of wallowing or gushing, it appears very simple and yet so powerful. Thank you for writing and posting it.

#66: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 9:23 pm

Quote:

gypsum quite forcefully at times

A slur on my character!

Jess

#67: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:13 pm

But we were right, Mary, weren't we? Everyone loves this - and wants you to post more!

*Lesley in smug mode tonight!*

#68: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:29 pm

MaryR wrote:

patmac wrote:

Pat, I can assure you it is the first story I have ever written. ..... Maybe it's all that life experience us oldies have got - not!!! Also I am an avid reader and I'm sure that helps.

I'm certainly glad you have started writing, then, and hope to see much more.

#69: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 10:39 am

Lesley wrote:

But we were right, Mary, weren't we? Everyone loves this - and wants you to post more!

I certainly do.

May we have more please Mary?

Liz

#70: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 8:36 pm

I've only just seen this, Mary, and it's marvellous! *joining the gaggle of encouragers*
Lesley deserves a vote of thanks for first inspiring you and then er, telling you to post! Very Happy

#71: Author: Beth, Location: Back in Durham...nearly finished a whole year!!

Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 11:46 pm

Thank-you very much Mary - I very rarely cry at drabbles, but this one definitely provoked a tear or two...

#72: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 8:02 am

Half past one saw her striding away from the school towards the San, reflecting on the last two hours. She had been so immersed in Nell’s letters that she had completely forgotten the time. In the end Matron had brought her a tray on which lay a very small, daintily laid out lunch and she had stood over her Headmistress until it was all gone! As she had finished, Hilda had looked up at her, warm appreciation in her eyes, and Matey had leaned down and kissed her.

“You’re a brave lady, Hilda Annersley,” she had said sturdily and taken away the tray.

Hilda reached the San and turned down a side corridor, knocking gently on a door labelled Chaplain. It was opened immediately by Mr Stuart, the Chaplain for the San, the Anglican church up on the Platz and for the Anglican chapel at school. He was a tall, fair-haired man, a little older than Hilda, with impossibly green eyes usually holding an amiable expression. Just now they were looking rather worried, for he was not sure he was intelligent enough or sensitive enough to help the Headmistress. He had got to know both Hilda and Nell very well over the years, having had many interesting theological discussions with them, but never before had the Head called on him for help for herself. He had seen the frozen state she was in at the Memorial Service and he had given her Communion while she was in the San, but she had not opened up to him. Now, looking into eyes that were full of pain and sadness and confusion, he winged up a prayer for help. Guiding her to a chair in his wood-panelled, rather dark little room he settled himself and looked across, to see her gazing out of the window. He decided not to beat about the bush but dive straight in.

“You’re in agony, Hilda. What’s causing you so much pain?” he asked, his voice very gentle. Her eyes swung back to him and he saw the sheen of tears.

“Ian,” she said softly. “Just at the moment I could wish that the Anglican Church practised the Sacrament of Confession for I am sadly in need of absolution.”

“And why do you think you need absolution, my dear?” his voice this time even gentler.

“For my selfish wallowing in my own grief when everyone else was just as sad,” she burst out, her beautiful voice full of tears. “ I wasn’t there for anyone – and I’m the one to whom they should have been able to look for help. And I rejected God totally. I simply couldn’t pray, not even to give solace to the girls in my care. I don’t know which was worse but I am quite sure there can be no forgiveness for either.”

“My mercy is incomparably greater than all the sins you could ever commit,” quoted Mr Stuart quietly. “Those were God’s words to Catherine of Siena, Hilda. He has already forgiven you anything you think you may have done.”

She shook her head in denial and he left his chair and pulled up a stool to be close to her. He took her cold,trembling hands in his warm ones and tried to reason with this tender and wise woman he had grown to admire so deeply over the years. There was no shadow in her – she was a woman of the utmost integrity, a woman to be trusted.

“My dear, you’d lost a friend you were extremely close to for 30 years. You’d worked together, lived together, spent most of your free time together, went on holiday together. It must have been like losing the best part of yourself.”

She nodded, her eyes, huge in her thin face, never leaving his, her hand clinging tightly to his, willing him to say something, anything, that would remove this monumental burden that was weighing her down.

“Hilda, why are you being so infernally hard on yourself?” He sounded almost angry. “You and Nell gave each other endless support and love. You each made the other’s job easier. You were always there for each other and then suddenly, in one instant, it was all gone. Your shock and grief were entirely normal but instead of giving in to them you tried to carry on as though nothing had happened. And you paid the price.”

She shook her head vehemently and closed her eyes, desperation in her voice as she said harshly, “I didn’t pay the price- the girls and staff did. They looked to me for comfort, for reasons as to why it happened. I couldn’t help them.”

“Of course you couldn’t –you were too hurt. Everyone understood that. Their greatest grief was that they were unable to help you. You expect far too much of yourself, Hilda,” he said with great tenderness in his voice.

In silence he watched as the tears coursed down her cheeks. He wasn’t getting through! He went on, his voice soft, “You say you rejected God. Hilda, God is used to people rejecting Him or yelling at Him. He understands grief – did He not watch His Son die? More than that, did He not send His Son to die? The Psalms tell us: “The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking.” He knows you couldn’t pray. He’d have been more surprised if you could. Once that icy calm of yours had broken, who did you turn to immediately for help?”

“God”, she whispered, remembering how she had called on God repeatedly as she lay crying for the whole of the first two days in the San, her grief for Nell overwhelming her.

“Hilda,” said Mr Stuart firmly, “You are desperately lonely and unbearably sad. Every inch of the school is filled with Nell’s presence for you. Everything, your loneliness, your anger, your guilt, is all knotted up inside you and you’re getting things out of all proportion, which is not like you at all. You were always the sane one in our arguments – kept a cool head and won the point. Hilda, my dear, you need help to sort yourself out, yes, but of one thing I am very sure, there is nothing to forgive.”

“But I can’t forgive myself,” she whispered, her face a mask of agony. “Oh, Ian,” she sobbed, “how can the world change in an instant with no warning at all? I am so lonely, so tired of trying to put on a brave face, there’s nothing but silence from God and I’ve lost my way completely.” He slipped an arm round her slim shoulders and held her as she wept bitter tears. Finally, as she blew her nose, he got up and went to his desk. Sitting back down beside her he dropped a leaflet into her lap. She looked down at it but didn’t pick it up.

“What’s this?” she asked, her voice still thick with tears.

“A place where you might just find the peace you so desperately crave. It’s in England, in Norfolk. It’s a convent of Anglican nuns, the Grey Ladies. They offer retreats – or individual help if you want it.” He paused while she picked it up and looked at it. “Why don’t you go for a week? They do excellent work. Talking to one of them, away from here where you still see Nell at every corner, might help you where I don’t seem able to.” She was silent as she looked through the leaflet. “At least think about it. You can’t go on feeling as you do – you will have a breakdown.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she whispered. “Nell has left me her cottage in Devon but I couldn’t face going there this summer. Yet nor can I face staying here and I’m certainly not fit company to be with anyone else.” She paused in thought, her face a bleak mask. “Would they let me stay for two weeks?”

“As long as you like. Write to them, Hilda,” he said passionately. “You’re worth far too much to lose yourself this way.”

As she left him a little later, saying she would see him on Sunday, he returned indoors and went to the telephone. He hadn’t told Hilda but the Mother Abbess of the convent was his sister – a very wise, compassionate woman. He had a feeling that she and Hilda would get along well together because they were so alike in so many ways, and that she would get through to Hilda where he had failed. He put through a call to Norfolk in England.

#73: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 8:44 am

Thank you Mary (and Lesley and Jess!) Don't know what to say really, except "please may we have some more?" and Crying or Very sad

"where are the tissues?" Crying or Very sad

#74: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 9:04 am

Thank you Mary. I think the chaplain is very wise. She needs space away from the constant reminders and need to put on a brave face, but not to be alone.

#75: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 1:40 pm

*brings in stacks of tissue boxes*

Thanks Mary - the Chaplain was so wise in his words to Hilda - I hope the Grey Ladies can help her.

Liz

#76: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 5:39 pm

*grabs a handful of tissues from the box*

Thanks Mary Crying or Very sad

#77: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:37 pm

I think the Chaplain's absolutely right in telling her to go on retreat somewhere. It could be just the very thing she needs and may prove to be the saving of her.

Thank you, Mary. Do keep going.

#78: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:41 pm

Thank you, Mary! Hilda is very well drawn here.

Good for the chaplain .... Hope the time away helps....

#79: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:58 pm

A retreat is just what Hilda needs,
Thanks Mary

#80: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 8:46 pm

That is so strong Mary, thank you.

*Hoping the Grey Ladies can help*

#81: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2005 9:51 pm

Wow!
This is incredibly powerful Mary!
Thank you so much for sharing it with us!

#82: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:00 am

Thank you Mary.

The Chaplain is very wise and his concern for Hilda is touching. Hope the Grey Ladies can help.

#83: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 4:43 pm

Just a very small piece, I'm afraid!

That night, lying awake, Hilda began to see that maybe she was being too hard on herself and a small measure of peace did pierce the loneliness, but she knew she needed more help than she could give herself if she was to pick up the threads of her life without Nell. She made a decision, and in the morning fired off a letter to the Convent before she could change her mind. Then, thinking about Matey’s own grief at losing Bill, asked for her assistance in clearing Nell’s room. They both broke down several times during the course of a long day but in the end it was done. Even the wardrobe was clear.

However, as they stood staring at the bare rooms, now stripped of Nell’s presence, Hilda suddenly collapsed. Sliding down the wall till she was sitting on the floor, she laid her head on her knees and shook with silent sobs. Matey sat beside her and held her, her own eyes wet. Finally, the tears slowed but Hilda didn’t move. She just sat there, staring round at the now empty shelves and surfaces as though trying to imprint them on her mind, her heart filled with loneliness and pain.

“You don’t want to leave, do you?” whispered Matey. Hilda shook her head and when she spoke her voice was thin and trembling.

“I feel as though I’ve removed all trace of her, that people will now forget she ever existed.”

“You haven’t, love. Her presence will always move through this school. And those who knew Nell Wilson will never forget her. She’ll make very sure of that!”

Hilda’s laugh in response to that sounded more like a sob and Matey stood up.

“Come on, Hilda, you’re exhausted,” she said and tenderly helped the Head to her feet. After one last silent farewell, Hilda went meekly with Matey and allowed herself to be fed and put to bed like a baby, even accepting a sedative to ward off any more thoughts of her friend for a few hours. But Matey shook her head sadly as she watched Hilda relax into sleep. God willing, she thought, things could only get better.

#84: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 5:19 pm

#85: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:31 pm

Thanks Mary

Liz

#86: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 8:18 pm

Glad to see the next bit up! I always did like that section. Keep posting!

#87: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 8:20 pm

Thanks Mary.

#88: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 8:26 pm

Do you want to flood the board Mary?

cos you're doing a remarkably good job. please do keep it up.

#89: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:44 pm

Poor Hilda and Matey. I know what it's like to clear a home. Totally horrendous.

#90: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 10:20 am

Poor Hilda and Matey. Glad Hilda is starting to accept she needs help.

Thank you Mary.

#91: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 7:04 pm

So sad Mary. Crying or Very sad

Thank you.

#92: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 7:53 pm

I'm really not sure what people will read into this next part and whether it might upset them, which wasn't the intention. Humble apologies if it does. I hope I'm not depressing people too much!

Unfortunately for Hilda, the stress of the previous two days caught up with her the next morning. She was woken very early by one of the excruciating headaches she had suffered from since the coach accident so many years before during the war. Groaning, she made to get up to take some painkillers but fell back as nausea overcame her. She lay there, fighting pain and nausea, until Matey, followed by Nancy, came to see why she had not appeared for Fruhstuck. One look at Hilda’s face had Matey reaching for her pulse and she didn’t like what she could feel.

“It’s a bad one, isn’t it, Hilda? Have you taken anything?” she asked quietly.

“ I felt too sick to move,” whispered the Head, her eyes closed against the severe pain.

Matey left the bed to return moments later with tablets, water and bowl. Gently she put her strong arm under Hilda’s shoulder and began to lift her to get some painkillers down her but immediately Hilda gasped.

“I think.... I’m...going to............”

Quickly, at a signal from Matey, Nancy held the bowl and Hilda was violently sick. As they laid her down she rubbed her banging head to try and ease the agony. No point in trying to get painkillers into her now, thought Matron. For the rest of the morning, Nancy and Matey stayed with her and held her as she vomited time after time, her face becoming more and more ashen, perspiration beading her brow. Nancy’s admiration for her Head increased a hundredfold for she could see the pain was almost unbearable and yet neither moan nor complaint passed her lips. By early afternoon, just when Matey was considering phoning Jack Maynard, the vomiting eased and Hilda was so exhausted that she fell into a deep sleep, despite the pain, though her brow was still deeply furrowed.

“She’ll sleep it off now,” sighed Matey thankfully, tucking the blankets round Hilda’s shoulders gently and ushering Nancy out of the room. “But she’ll feel like a limp rag when she wakes up. It’s very rare that she’s sick like that.”

“Probably due to what she’s put herself through the last two days,” said Nancy quietly.

When Hilda woke in the late afternoon the headache had gone but she felt as though she had been beaten black and blue. Feeling Matey’s fingers on her wrist she opened her eyes wearily.

“You’ll not be going anywhere in a hurry,” said Matey bluntly, not liking the way Hilda’s skin seemed to be stretched too tightly over the bones of her face. Hilda lay there silent for a few moments, collecting her thoughts, and she remembered something she had thought about during the night. She smiled faintly up at Matron.

“Thanks for taking care of me, Gwynneth,” she said softly. “But I wonder if you could ask Nancy to come and see me for a moment.”

“Oh, no, you don’t! You need to rest,” Matey ordered, her lips firmly set.

“Gwynneth, don’t worry, I won’t move – I don’t think I could – but I do need to see her. I’ve been very remiss about something and I need to put things right. Pretty please!” she begged plaintively.

Matron’s response was sharper than she intended out of anxiety for her friend. “Okay, but first, you have a drink and some dry toast.”

“Bully!” grinned Hilda, wrinkling her nose up at her friend, an action which really cheered up that friend.

Half an hour later, Nancy let herself into Hilda’s pretty bedroom to find her propped up on a couple of pillows, looking very white and listless, but she smiled when she saw Nancy and held out her hand.

“Thank you for your help this morning, Nancy. I’m sorry I had to put you through that.”

“ I never realised just how bad your headaches were,” answered Nancy, sitting on the bed and holding the slim hand.

“They’re not usually as bad as that,” grimaced Hilda. “But that’s not why I wanted to see you. Nancy, I owe you an apology.” Nancy looked at her questioningly and the Head continued, “I was in such pain when Nell died that I didn’t think about your feelings when I asked you to take over at Milly’s. To my shame it only occurred to me last night that you and Kathie must be finding it extremely difficult to be separated like this.”

Nancy was dumbstruck and stared at her Head open-mouthed. Hilda’s lips twitched as she saw Nancy’s expression.

“Is there anything you don’t know about?” Nancy finally managed to stutter.

Hilda paused to consider.

“Not much,” she conceded softly. “I wouldn’t be much of a Head if I didn’t keep my eyes and ears open, now would I?”

“How long have you known?” asked Nancy, her blue eyes very wide.

“As soon as it started, I would think,” smiled the Head. “It’s very hard to hide happiness, my dear, and you and Kathie make each other very happy.”

“But aren’t you concerned for the girls?”

“Why should I be?” asked Hilda with genuine puzzlement. “You are both superb teachers and set a fantastic example. I would hardly have made you Head if I were concerned,” she added with a distinct twinkle in her eyes. Nancy would never know how hard Hilda was finding it to produce that twinkle, but she did want to put Nancy at her ease.

“Am I to take it that Nell knew as well, then?”

“And agreed with me,” answered Hilda very softly. “But I am concerned that I have made your times together rarer than they were.”

“But you and Bill managed,” said Nancy, greatly daring.

“Yes, we did, didn’t we?” answered Hilda reflectively. “A phone call here, a quick coffee there, snatched moments in a busy day. Not much, you might say, but the love was always there, Nancy.” She lay looking searchingly at her Co-head, who suddenly blushed scarlet. “Nancy,” continued Hilda gently but firmly, “don’t ever be embarrassed or ashamed. If you have with Kathie that same love and trust that Nell and I shared then count yourself one of the lucky ones in life.” Suddenly her voice broke, and she closed her eyes. “But oh, Nancy, it’s so hard to be the one left behind.”

Nancy sat quiet for a moment, shocked by the raw agony in Hilda’s voice. Then she asked tentatively, “Hilda, would you rather have been without that love than be in this pain now?”

“Never!” flashed back Hilda, her rich voice throbbing with emotion. “It was worth every moment of this agony.”

“Then don’t worry about Kathie and I,” said Nancy very softly. “Love and pain are intertwined. Yes, it’s difficult at the moment, but we’ll work it out. There are week-ends away and school holidays to be together. And relationships are more than moments of passion, they’re built slowly day by day in those odd moments that you talked about.”

“I understand, Nancy,” whispered Hilda, “and please know I am very happy for you....and will help...in any...way....I can...”

Her voice trailed off and Nancy saw she had fallen asleep. Nancy moved over to the chair, still holding Hilda’s hand. She gazed at the sensitive face before her and realised that the admiration and liking she had always felt for this gentle, generous woman were fast becoming devotion and love. Just at this minute, she felt she would have walked through the fires of Hell for Hilda if it would ease some of her pain.

#93: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:01 pm

Mary, I've already told you, I thought this part was beautiful.

Thank you.

#94: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:19 pm

Mary, this is amazing writing. So powerful, and heart-rending. Thank you so much.

#95: Author: pim, Location: St Andrews (right next to the beach)

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:31 pm

Wow, is all I can say. This is just amazing, Mary. Crying or Very sad

#96: Author: Ella, Location: Staffordshire

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:46 pm

*Wow* Equally lost for words.
Such powerful writing, Mary.

*Reaching for more tissues*
Crying or Very sad

#97: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:46 pm

I don't often end up with tears in my eyes but I do at the moment. Beautiful, Mary. Thank you.

#98: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:03 pm

*gropes blindly for the tissue box*
Thank you Mary! That was beautifully written!

#99: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:07 pm

*bounces*

My favourite bit!

Though I'm a little worried that I seem to like the bits everyone else finds terribly upsetting.

But I'll just flag up again how much I like this bit!

*bounces* *bounces* *bounces off into the distance*

Jess

#100: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:38 pm

Mary, that was so sensitively done, and not depressing at all. Though it was sad to see the severity of Hilda's headache, I think Nancy was correct in her assessment of the cause.

I particularly loved Nancy's reaction when she realised that Hilda knew all about the relationship between Kathie & herself - and didn't disapprove.

This situation really is a wonderful reflection, too on how social mores in schools have changed in the last 40-50 years - when I was in boarding school in the 1950s, there was at least one 'couple' among the staff who we wondered about, but no-one ever openly drew what was probably the correct conclusion.

I often wonder what EBD would have made of the relationships she described if she had been writing in today's world - we've had several 'drabbles' in the past portraying the 'Alternative' relationship between Nancy & Kathy, too and more than one hint about Hilda & Nell, too.

Looking forward to seeing how all this plays out - and, Mary, we'll be expecting more drabbles from you in due course!!

#101: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:50 pm

Very beautiful Mary, and VERY well written Crying or Very sad

Poor old Hilly though Sad

But Nancy is being brave to be parted from her lover Smile

#102: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 10:11 pm

Thank you, Mary.

Nancy and Hilda are both so brave.

#103: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 10:49 pm

Wow

just fabulous Mary

I'm so so so glad you startd posting this, it's become one of my *must reads*

#104: Author: Sarah, Location: Ormskirk, Lancashire

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 8:45 am

Wow! It's all I can say! Very Happy

#105: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 9:57 am

Wow. Thank you Mary, wonderful.
Two very brave and humble women.

#106: Author: Jodi, Location: Glasgow most of the time

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:22 pm

Wow, this is great, I can't believe this is your first time writing! I've been hanging around for ages wanting to post on various things but have been too scared cos you all seem to know each other - which I guess is cos you all spend lots of time here - but I just had to encourage you and tell you to be more sure of your writing Mary - it's fantastic!

#107: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:46 pm

Jodi wrote:

Jodi, if you had seen some of the things I said to other members of the board about being too scared to post or join in you would realise that most people start off feeling scared cos everyone seems to know each other - I definitely was and like you only joined recently. But Lesley and gypsum in particular and lots of others as well all made me feel much more at ease. It was the two named above who bullied me into posting and I am still overwhelmed and very humbled by what everyone is saying. Who is this person who can write so well? Cos it sure ain't me!! Rolling Eyes

By the way, welcome! Nay thrice welcome!

#108: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:27 pm

Beautifully written, Mary!

#109: Author: pygmy, Location: glasgow

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:48 pm

This is really great Mary. Many thanks.

#110: Author: Eilidh, Location: Bathgate, Scotland

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:56 pm

Mary this is wonderful. I have just caught up from page one. Thankyou, and please post more soon.

#111: Author: Steph, Location: Blackpool, Lancashire

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:53 pm

Mary this is just wonderful. This is written so beautifully and so well.

This is one of my must-reads now and I can't wait for some more Smile

#112: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 9:06 pm

Thanks Mary

Liz

#113: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 12:09 am

Just caught up the last few days...wow, Crying or Very sad

!

This is so well written Mary and so moving. Crying or Very sad

#114: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 8:43 am

During that last half-term of the year Hilda managed, with Nancy’s unfailing support, to keep everything on an even keel for girls and mistresses alike. She was as sunny and gentle as ever, her lessons as rigorous, her office work as meticulous as always. However, the girls found her unusually lenient towards wrongdoers, but most of the girls were still so upset at losing Bill that this was not a great problem, and her morning and evening prayers had an added poignancy. If she saw any girl or mistress in any way upset or weepy she would take them immediately to one side and comfort them and it was noticeable that even more girls than usual wanted to see her during the two-hour slot she always left free for them every evening.

Her close friends, however, could see the toll this was taking as she grew thinner and thinner. It was obvious to them that she was finding it difficult to eat much and purple smudges under her eyes spoke of many broken nights but she refused to burden any of them with her problems, despite several approaches by Jack, Joey and Madge. Only Nancy and Matron had some inkling of all that was going on inside her and their silent support and love meant much to her. Four weeks into the term saw her walking into Fruhstuck one Friday morning looking so white and ill that Matey promptly walked her out again. She sat her down in the study and stood over her as she choked down some coffee and a croissant, then Matron phoned Jack. He took one look at her and marched her over to Freudesheim, where he put her to bed and knocked her out for 24 hours to give her body some much-needed rest. When she came round, he forbade anyone, even Joey, to go in and disturb her, saying she needed to be totally alone to break down if she wanted to without having to put on a brave face.

The treatment seemed to work for she returned to school on the Monday morning looking her usual smiling self. At the annual School Fete she was as welcoming and gracious as she had always been and the following day saw her waving off the school with a broad smile as they began their summer holiday. After they had all gone, she stood staring out of the window, loneliness and emptiness in her soul.

#115: Author: Eilidh, Location: Bathgate, Scotland

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 10:36 am

Poor Hilda... Sad

Thanks Mary.

#116: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 11:59 am

((Hilda))

I really hope her retreat over the holiday will help her. She needs to go away, break down and have some time to sort herself out. Carrying on with the school must have been one of the hardest things in the world to do.

Thank you, Mary

#117: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 12:57 pm

Thanks Mary Crying or Very sad

Poor Hilda

Liz

#118: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:59 pm

Thanks Mary.

#119: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 4:13 pm

Poor Hilly *gives her a hug*

Thanks Mary!

#120: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 8:16 pm

What else can I say.

#121: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:38 am

Only a short piece I'm afraid.

A warm, sunny July evening a week later saw Hilda being shown into a small, comfortably furnished bedroom by an elderly nun dressed in the pale grey habit and veil of the Grey Ladies. The eyes of this little nun, Hilda saw, were deeply peaceful and her smile was very sweet as she explained things.

“Your bathroom’s next door and tea will be in an hour, my dear. Before that there is a short service in the chapel. You are very welcome to attend.”

As she left the room, Hilda sank on the bed and stared around her blankly. She was exhausted, having caught a very early plane that morning and travelling all day to get to this quiet corner of Norfolk, a part of the world she had never visited before. It had seemed very flat and featureless to her, after the lofty mountains of Switzerland. Now she was here, though, it all suddenly seemed pointless. Restlessly she got up, opened her case and moved across to put things in the chest-of-drawers, catching sight of her face in the mirror as she did so. It was a face Nell Wilson would hardly have recognised, she thought, with its white cheeks, dark shadows, gaunt cheekbones and lacklustre hair. And as for the look in the eyes.............

Half an hour later she found her way to the small, whitewashed, candle-lit chapel. The service had already started so she slipped into a bench at the back. There were twenty or so grey-robed sisters kneeling on one side of the chapel, and several people in lay dress like herself scattered here and there in the other pews. At first the prayers and singing just washed over her but suddenly she was aware of a bell-like voice beginning an antiphon, to be taken up by others until a beautiful harmony was achieved, a harmony that brought her to the brink of tears. And then, in the harmony, she heard again the voice she hadn’t heard in weeks.

“ Let go, old girl. You always did worry too much and you’ve really got yourself into a state this time. Can’t do without me, can you? Just let go, Hilda, stop being so brave.”

Tears slowly trickled down Hilda’s face as she tried to hang on to that voice and lost herself in her memories. The music finished and the nuns silently filed out but still she sat there, oblivious to everything. Mother Abbess, leaving last, saw her sitting there, tears falling unchecked, and moved to sit quietly beside her in the now empty chapel. Putting her arm gently round Hilda’s shoulders she gathered Hilda to her and Hilda laid her head on Mother Abbess’s shoulder and cried like a weary, desolate child.

#122: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:46 am

Poor Hilda, but what a lovely Mother Abbess! (Wonder if Hilda will tell about her nickname at school!)

Thank you for another moving instalment, Mary.

#123: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 11:17 am

WAIT AND SEE, NINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#124: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 11:43 am

He he he he! May I have a little gloat here, Mary? Wink

Love Mother Abbess - poor Hilda. Crying or Very sad

#125: Author: pim, Location: St Andrews (right next to the beach)

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:20 pm

Lesley wrote:

He he he he! May I have a little gloat here, Mary? Wink

Lesley, that's NORTY Shocked

Thank you for more Mary, love the Mother Abbess.

#126: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:43 pm

Quote:

He he he he! May I have a little gloat here, Mary?

Yup, indeed!

Smile

#127: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:49 pm

MaryR wrote:

WAIT AND SEE, NINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're picking up bad habits Mary!!!! Wonder who from? Laughing

#128: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 7:45 pm

Thanks Mary!
More please!

#129: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 4:57 am

Love the way Nell's voice breaks through!

poke

gloaters for their gloating ways Rolling Eyes

(but still glad of their persuasive powers)

#130: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 6:56 am

Lovely, Mary.

I'm very relieved that she has arrived at the Convent safely and can now focus on her own needs and not everyone else.

#131: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 9:02 am

Putting her arm gently round Hilda’s shoulders she gathered Hilda to her and Hilda laid her head on Mother Abbess’s shoulder and cried like a weary, desolate child.

It was a heart-rending sound and, recalling what her brother Ian had told her, Mother Abbess let her cry it out. When she finally lay quiet the nun, without a word, led her unresisting to Sister Infirmarian who undressed her gently and put her to bed. A few minutes later, Mother Abbess appeared with a tray and after a quiet word between them, Sister Infirmarian left the room. Sitting on the bed, the Abbess deftly spooned warm soup into Hilda, who was lying propped up on several thick pillows. She watched carefully and saw the moment when awareness came back into the blue-grey eyes. Those eyes, which had been focused inwards, suddenly locked onto the nun’s startling green eyes, but Mother Abbess simply shook her head, smiled and continued feeding her. When she laid down the spoon she took Hilda’s hands in hers.

“Are you feeling better now, my dear?” she asked her guest very quietly.

“ I don’t know,” Hilda answered slowly, and Mother Abbess heard for the first time Hilda’s beautiful, mellow voice. “All I remember is going into the chapel and then hearing my friend’s voice....” She trailed off and closed her eyes. “After that I ......”

“After that you broke down completely, my dear. In the end all we could do was get you into bed.” Mother Abbess had a very sweet voice, though not as deep and mellow as Hilda’s and now it was very gentle, as though trying to calm a startled fawn.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Hilda. “I didn’t mean to make a nuisance of myself the minute I arrived on your doorstep.”

“You didn’t,” said the gentle voice of the nun. “You’ve had a very long day and are obviously at the end of your tether. Our Infirmarian is concerned about you so we’ve decided between us to keep you in bed for a couple of days to help you heal.”

Hilda gasped and she looked anxiously at the figure sitting on the bed. “I can’t put you to that much trouble,” she said.

“Can’t you, my dear? Well, I have to tell you that if you don’t do as we say, then we’ll put you on the first plane back to Switzerland” Though the voice was still very gentle, there was a hint of steel behind it and, much to the nun’s amazement, Hilda suddenly smiled sadly.

“How the friend I’m mourning would have loved you!”

“Why?” asked Mother Abbess with interest.

“Because I’ve finally come up against someone who can beat me at my own game. You could have been me talking to a naughty Middle.”

Mother Abbess’s eyes went to the photo Hilda had placed by her bed. Those green eyes missed very little, thought Hilda to herself and wondered where she had seen eyes just like them recently.

“And would Nell have agreed that you need to rest?” asked the nun very softly, watching Hilda closely. She saw the smile fall away and Hilda’s eyes go grey and hard. There was a moment’s silence in the room and Mother Abbess could almost feel the air in the room crackle with tension.

“How did you know my friend’s name?” The voice was no longer mellow but icy.

Mother Abbess’s green eyes looked apologetically into Hilda’s implacable grey ones as she answered meekly, “Ian Stuart is my twin brother, Miss Annersley.”

“Then I hope, when I return to school, that he has the good sense to keep well away from me. How dare he meddle like this!”

The voice still dripped ice and Mother Abbess began to develop a healthy respect for the woman before her. She had seemed so gentle and mild but now the nun could see what a strong character that mildness was hiding. And she clearly hated subterfuge.

“Don’t be too hard on him” Ian’s sister pleaded. “He was extremely worried about you and for some reason felt that if you knew I was his sister you wouldn’t come. I didn’t agree with him but he was very insistent.”

“He was right. I would have felt that confidentiality might be a problem. But maybe I was wrong. You have been nothing but kindness itself, just like Ian. I did know his twin sister was a nun but I didn’t know where.” The ice had gone from her voice as she responded to the warmth in the green eyes before her. “But when I see him again...” she muttered darkly, the beauty back in her voice, softness replacing the severity in her eyes.

“Miss Annersley....” began Mother Abbess.

“Hilda, please. And you are?” Hilda continued, with her unconscious air of dignity.

“Mother Abbess,” answered the nun demurely, her eyes dancing as she saw Hilda’s jaw drop.

“And I’ve been lying here letting you feed me and then complaining about your brother,” whispered Hilda in awe. She made to throw back the bedclothes and get out of bed.

“Hilda, lie still!” commanded the nun sharply. Hilda subsided. “My dear, you’ve done nothing wrong. I should have introduced myself. And I’m sorry we deceived you.” She paused. “But I know that you have been having a very bad time just recently and are in need of help. Ian felt you are close to a breakdown, and seeing the way you were in the chapel I have to agree with him.”

There was silence as Hilda lay looking at her searchingly, as though wondering whether to trust her. Mother Abbess silently took hold of one of Hilda’s hands and waited. Suddenly Hilda gripped the nun’s hand tightly and her face was so filled with sorrow that the nun could have wept for her.

“Do you know what it’s like,” she whispered, “to be so full of despair and pain and bitterness and loneliness that you really don’t think you can go on anymore?”

“Yes, Hilda, I do,” answered the nun quietly. “I’ve been there and I know exactly how it feels.” Hilda heard the depth of feeling in the voice and closed her eyes.

“Then please ......help me.” Her voice was a mere thread and tears once more flowed down the thin white cheeks.

Mother Abbess’s voice was gentleness itself as she tried to reassure this suffering woman. “I’ll do my best, Hilda. God willing, you’ll find the strength to enjoy life again.”

“Without Nell? I don’t think so,” and Hilda shook her head in denial. Mother Abbess waited silently, holding Hilda’s hand until the tears had stopped, then she stood up.

“Hilda, I’m going to get us a cup of tea and for the next hour you are going to tell me a little of what’s destroying such a strong character as yours.” She shook her head at the question in Hilda’s eyes. “No, my dear, Ian didn’t tell me anything, only that your friend had died and that you had been close for thirty years.”

Last edited by MaryR on Sat Mar 26, 2005 10:22 am; edited 1 time in total

#132: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 9:14 am

Thank you Mary.

#133: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:53 pm

Thank you Mary.

I don't really know what else to say because this is so moving and deep.

#134: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 6:32 pm

Mother Abbess is wonderful - heop she can help our Abbess!!

Thanks Mary Smile

#135: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 7:03 pm

Thank you Mary!
I hope this will help Hilda to heal!!!

#136: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 10:30 pm

I am fighting back tears Mary. This is so full of feeling. Thank you.

#137: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 10:54 pm

Mary, that is incredibly powerful. Thank you.

Trusting Mother Abbess to help 'the Abbess'.

#138: Author: Helen P, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 9:44 pm

Mary, I've just sat and read this from start to finish and I'm crying. Crying or Very sad

It's absolutely wonderful writing and I'm really, really looking forward to lots more.

*Makes note to self to only read this one after the family are in bed so I can weep in peace*

*sniff*

#139: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 10:03 pm

Mary

have been missing from the board for a while so have just read this straight through. It is absolutely fantastic and I think very true to how Hilda would have felt - Lesley and Jess were right to push into putting it up.

Thank you for this

#140: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:11 am

Helen P wrote:

*Makes note to self to only read this one after the family are in bed so I can weep in peace*

*sniff*

Thank you all for the vote of confidence but if what Helen says is true maybe some of you feel I shouldn't continue. Kim says she thinks it is very true to how Hilda would have felt - but is it? Getting the collywobbles here. Confused

#141: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:32 am

Despite my collywobbles (see post before this) I have decided to post the next part.

While Mother Abbess was gone, Hilda stumbled to the old-fashioned bathroom next door and washed her face. Looking at herself in the mirror, she reflected that she felt rather as Alice must have felt as she fell down the rabbit hole, far from home and totally bemused.

Mother Abbess sat in the chair by the bed, her green eyes totally focused on Hilda, watching her as she drank her tea. For all the steely strength she sensed in this woman, it was clear that she had been thrown completely off balance by all the conflicting emotions swirling around inside, and needed the help of someone else to cut through her pain and confusion.

“Hilda, I know the grief is bad but it’s not that alone that is hurting you. What is it that’s doing so much damage?”

She listened as Hilda poured out her desperate loneliness and her guilt over abandoning girls and staff when they were in need of help. She told how she had turned on God and refused to pray, even with the girls; and about her rage that, not only had God taken Nell from her but He hadn’t allowed her, Hilda, to comfort her friend as she lay dying, hadn’t been able to assure her how much she was loved.

“What’s even worse,” she added, her voice hoarse, “Nell wouldn’t accept pain relief while she was dying. She spent her last hours in agony, just to write to let me know how much she loved me, and not only that but to reassure me that she knew how I would feel and she was sorry for me. That letter nearly broke my heart even though it brought me back to life. Why couldn’t God have seen fit to let me be there for her?”

When Mother Abbess finally broke the silence that had fallen after Hilda had ground to a halt, she seemed to go off at a tangent.

“My dear, you should know that Ian has written to me over the years about his life up in the mountains. I already felt I knew you before you arrived. I knew Nell too and how close the two of you were, each a strong support to the other. I knew how superb you were as headmistresses. I knew about your strong though differing faiths. And I knew how you, Hilda, worry too much about things and that you put the girls above everything.” Hilda’s eyes watched her hungrily. “My one regret was that I would never now get to meet Nell – but Hilda, you have just shown me your friend’s enormous courage. It is up to you to match that – you cannot let her down.” She saw Hilda’s eyes change as she absorbed the fact that maybe her own courage had been found wanting. “I hope in the time you are here that you will talk about Nell a great deal so I can feel I did meet her – I have the feeling that you haven’t talked enough about her and what you were to each other.”

“Only when I was hospitalised,” confessed Hilda. “And then not much. I felt....”

“You felt that you couldn’t pour it all out because your friends were also grieving the loss of a dear friend? That you couldn’t burden them more?” Hilda nodded. That was exactly how she had felt. “But you need to let it out, my dear – so talk to me, scream at me, scream at God. Express all the bitterness you’ve just told me about, the loneliness and despair you feel at being the one left behind.”

“And the silence, the terrible silence,” added Hilda quietly. “There’s nobody to tell things to, to talk things over with, and we always talked so much. Everything we had together was just shattered in an instant, leaving me with nothing.”

“So get angry, punch the walls if necessary. You won’t get answers as to why but you will eventually find a measure of peace. You said you rejected God. You didn’t. You just told Him you were too hurt and angry to love Him. God can take it, He’s big enough. Sometimes we find ourselves wrestling with Him in a kind of blind and painful struggle to come to terms with what is wounding us. Remember the words St Teresa of Avila hurled at Him? She told Him it was no wonder He had so few friends when He treated them so badly.”

Hilda’s rich voice was infinitely sad as she spoke. “That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. That I’ve been His friend all these years and yet He let me down, was unfair, not only to me but to Nell - and I took it out on the girls by not being there for them,” she added bitterly.

Mother Abbess eyed the sensitive face before her, beginning to realise what high expectations this woman had of herself, always putting others first. Her voice was firm as she said, “You didn’t, Hilda. It was grief that isolated you. You can’t always be there for everyone every moment in time. Only God can do that. You mustn’t expect so much of yourself. You can only do your best, and by all accounts your best is better than most.”

“I’m beginning to see,” said Hilda very sadly, “ that I let my sanity go walkabout and got myself into a terrible state for no good reason. And let Nell down into the bargain.”

“Hilda, I’m going to show you over the next two weeks that that is not so, that you are a formidable woman who just tried too hard. You’re going to learn to grieve properly so you can move on. With infinite love, my dear, God will bring Spring back into your heart. However, I’m not going to say any more tonight. You’re far too tired. But from tomorrow you and I will spend two hours together every day working through all we have talked about.”

“Can you spare the time?” Hilda asked doubtfully, her voice beginning to slur from exhaustion and her eyes getting very heavy.

“Every person who comes here is allotted a helper. When Ian wrote to me I appointed myself yours. Now I've met you I think you will give me as much as I can ever give you. You’re a very remarkable woman, Hilda,” and there was respect and also compassion in the nun’s eyes and voice. Tears once more sprang into Hilda’s eyes at this unexpected accolade and she shook her head in denial. “Apart from those two hours, you can go for walks, we’re near the beach. I’ll give you a programme of reading. There’s the chapel and services, and also the other visitors. But for now, I’m going to leave you to sleep,” and suiting the actions to the words she stood up.

Without waiting for Hilda to say any more, she removed the pillows, settled Hilda down and tucked her in tenderly like a child. She then knelt by the bed and took one of Hilda’s hands. Bowing her head, she prayed.

“Loving Father, we ask help for those who mourn.
Be gentle with them in their grief.
Show them the depths of Your love.
Spare them the torment of guilt and despair.
Be with them as they weep.
Hold them in Your loving embrace.

She stood, leaned over Hilda and kissed her and was gone. Hilda lay in the dark in the strange bed and felt oddly comforted.

“Good night, Nell, sweet dreams,” she murmured, and turning on her side she fell asleep immediately, and slept naturally the whole night through for the first time since Nell’s death.

#142: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 10:14 am

Mary, don't you dare even consider stopping this - I've already read this excerpt, knew what to expect, yet it still brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you.

#143: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 12:31 pm

*agrees with Lesley*
(except the bit about having already read it!)

We LIKE drabbles that make us cry!

#144: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 1:23 pm

Don't doubt yourself, Mary. It's very moving and true to life.

Thank you.

#145: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 2:20 pm

Mary

please don't get the collywobbles - this story is brilliant and am looking forward to the next instalment. I feel that Hilda will heal but it will be a tough struggle which she'll work through with Mother Abbess.

Often we don't grieve properly or work through our fears and anxieties and this drabble has brought that home to me

#146: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 4:07 pm

*glares at the collywobbles*

And just for good luck *glares somemore*

Please keep it up!

Jess

#147: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 4:33 pm

Yes, Mary, we love drabbles that make us cry!! bawling

in fact the bawlier the better!!!

Keep it up or we'll send the Lynch Mob - Lesley, Jess, keep her nose to the grindstone!

And that this is your first story ever is just mind-blowing!

#148: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:42 pm

Having just got up to date on this - Mary this is remarkable, I am there with Hilda and suffering with her

Her reacitons are completely believable - she has been stressed almost beyond endurance but is still hanging in there

thankyou so much

#149: Author: Ella, Location: Staffordshire

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:45 pm

*Groping blindly for the tissues*
Mary, you might have made us all cry some more, but please don't stop posting, whatever you do!

Amazing writing, thank you.

#150: Author: Eleanor, Location: Eastbourne

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 7:15 pm

Please don't stop writing this Mary.

#151: Author: Helen P, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 7:58 pm

Mary wrote:

Quote:

Mary, I am so sorry if what I said gave you collywobbles. It was meant as a huge compliment - this is SO good! Please, please, please don't stop - and I feel that it is very true to how Hilda would have felt. That part in the most recent instalment about the silence - it sent shivers down my spine!

Vikki wrote:

Quote:

We LIKE drabbles that make us cry!

Couldn't have said it better myself, Vikki! Very Happy

#152: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:05 pm

Please keep writing. This is so good.

#153: New Dreams Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:42 pm

Mary, this is beautiful, so movingly and sensitively written. Hilda won't have the easiest journey to accepting Nell's death, but I'm sure she'll get there eventually - and this two weeks of conversations with the Mother Abbess will surely help her.

Do not even dream of not continuing this story - like everyone else, I'm waiting with bated breath for the next instalment.

#154: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:50 pm

Please keep writing Mary. This is powerful and emotive so of course it raises emotion within us. I think you would have a lot more to worry about if it didn't make us cry.

Apart from anything else we are so closely involved with the story that we need to see Hilda work it out.

#155: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:04 pm

I don't think I've commented much on this one Mary, but I agree with what everyone has said so far. Please don't stop writing. This is a wonderful story, and thank you for telling it.

JackieJ

#156: Re: New Dreams Author: Alice, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:15 pm

MaryR wrote:

Despite my collywobbles (see post before this) I have decided to post the next part.

Very glad you did Mary.

#157: Author: Eilidh, Location: Bathgate, Scotland

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:21 pm

Thank you again Mary.

And please don't stop posting.

#158: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:17 pm

Thank you Mary

Please keep posting - this is a sad story but so beautifully told, we're feeling the emotion with Hilda

Liz

#159: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:32 pm

I am overwhelmed at all your words. I do know that they are not deserved but they are very much appreciated. You're all wonderful and I could hug you. Oh dear, now Jess will bawl me out!

True to her word, Mother Abbess kept Hilda in bed the next day and when she entered Hilda’s room in the early afternoon she was pleased to see that Hilda’s eyes looked less like saucers in her too-thin face and that some of the shadows had receded, although she still had an air of total exhaustion. Hilda smiled as Mother Abbess came in.

“You’ve already done me so much good.” Her beautiful voice was soft and reflective. “To sleep like that was a miracle in itself and you’ve made me feel a little more hopeful.”

As the nun sat down, she noticed “The Problem of Pain” by C.S. Lewis lying on the bedside table, a bookmark slotted in halfway through. Beside it was another book, “The Reed of God” by Caryll Houselander, obviously next in line to be read.

“You’re ahead of me,” she smiled. “Those are two of the books I was going to recommend. But then it doesn’t surprise me to see them there, after all the arguments you won up there in the Alps. You have an excellent brain, child, and we are going to put it to good use.”

Suddenly she took one of Hilda’s hands gently in her own and proceeded to show Hilda that she was not going to go easy on her. After all, she was here for healing, and healing could very often be intensely painful.

“Tell me, Hilda,” she asked, her voice quiet but firm, “is Nell happy in Heaven?”

Hilda gasped as though she had suddenly received a cold shower. It was certainly not a question she had been expecting, but she nodded, unable to speak.

“Then why are you so miserable? Surely, as Christians, Heaven is our intended home. Nell is with God and has escaped any further turmoil she might have met here on earth.” She let the thought linger in the air for a good five minutes before speaking again. Hilda had at first stared at her, shocked and somehow hurt, but then her eyes had drifted to the trees outside the window. “Isn’t your sadness rather that ........”

“That I’ve been crying for myself,” interrupted Hilda very sadly.” Self-pity, not pity for Nell. But it was so hard for her as she lay dying,” and her eyes swung back to Mother Abbess.

“And don’t you think that God was there with her in her agony? Is that how she found the courage to write to you? God’s love is non-negotiable, Hilda. He is there with us through the bad times as well as the good. He can’t help Himself – He is all compassion. So be happy for your Nell and let that sweeten your sorrow a little. And remember, Hilda, God is very near to us, so if our loved ones are with God then they are also still very near to us.”

This time she let the silence linger as Hilda let her head drop back on the pillows and gazed into the middle distance, her thoughts far away. There was no strain in the room as both women were comfortable with silence and with each other also, even after such a short time.. Eventually, however, deeming she had given Hilda long enough, Mother Abbess moved to sit on the bed.

“Hilda.” She spoke firmly to bring her guest back to the present. Hilda’s eyes re-focused. “Another tough question. Did you, do you, love your friend more than you love God?”

The answer was immediate.

“No, how could I?” murmured Hilda, with total conviction. “We both loved God above all. It was one of the bonds that knit us together. But,” and here she gazed clear-eyed at Mother Abbess, “I did love her more than life itself. If God had let me, I would have taken her place in that earthquake without a second thought.”

Suddenly a single tear rolled down her cheek and with a tender word of endearment Mother Abbess pulled Hilda into her arms and held her close, understanding all that lay beneath those simple words. Hilda lay against her unresistingly, knowing that with this woman she could lay bare her soul and it would be in safe keeping.

#160: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:51 pm

Quote:

Oh dear, now Jess will bawl me out!

Interested in this idea of bawling you out - seing as I have no idea what it means. I could make you bawl or bowl you out, but not bawl you out. Hmm.

Perhaps it's some slang that you lot over on the wrong side of the pennines use.

Or perhaps it's just my general ignorance.

Razz

Well what ever it is just keep posting and I wont make you bawl, bowl you out or bawl you out - deal? Smile

Jess

#161: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:08 pm

Thanks Mary :sniffle:

Liz

#162: Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:15 pm

Thank you Mary for writing this. It is beautifully written, and like so many people before me I can't believe that this is your first "go" at writing a drabble - you've had me in tears for the last half an hour!
Please keep writing! One day I might have the courage to write myself! Very Happy

#163: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 5:50 pm

Keep posting Mary and you'll not be in trouble!

Thanks. bawling

#164: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:49 pm

You'll definitely be in trouble if you stop posting this!

That was so touching, and am very glad that Mother Abbess is able to help Hilly Smile

#165: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 10:07 pm

Thank you Mary this is a wonderfully deep emotive story. I have just caught up with pages and pages of it.

Please don't stop posting I need to know how Hilda works through this.

#166: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 6:23 am

Yes, Mary, keep posting, please!

Jess - to bawl someone out is to tell them off.

#167: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 9:46 am

Thank you Mary! Have just caught up with pages of this. The Mother Abbess is lovely and seems to be so good for Hilda.

#168: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 10:49 am

Thank you once again for all the wonderful comments. I hope you continue to feel that I've got Hilda true to life. Only a short piece today.

Those two questions of Mother Abbess set the tone for the talks she had with Hilda every day, either in the convent garden on sunny days or in the nun’s comfortable office. She was hard on Hilda at times, but Hilda gradually learned to accept that the way she had behaved was a natural reaction to great and sudden grief, compounded by her own excessively high expectations of herself and her over-anxious concern for the girls in her care. Mother Abbess made her see that perhaps, in the long run, it would have been better if she had taken leave of absence. Ten days in hospital had really not been enough time for any sort of recovery when she had been so grievously bereaved. She began tentatively to accept that she had nothing for which to forgive herself, although Mother Abbess suspected final acceptance of that would be a long time coming.

Also, now that she allowed herself to grieve properly for Nell, she found the bitterness leaving her and the good memories returning. She even began to find a tentative courage within herself to face life without her friend, although the intense sadness and loneliness would always remain, she felt. How can you lose the best part of yourself and ever expect to be made whole again?

One thing Mother Abbess said to her was to keep recurring in her mind. “When God does not remove our pain, Hilda, despite our pleas, we have to learn to say “Yes” to Him from the middle of that pain and confusion, to accept whatever he will do in and through our situation. One day, out of your present pain, may come untold beauty and joy. We have to accept in faith that He does know what He is doing. ”

The long walks she took every day were also helping her to discover some sort of peace. She found the walks along the quiet beach, listening to the constant murmur of the sea, brought some ease to her soul and she would often sit curled up among the rocks, reading or just absorbing the gentleness of the waves breaking on the sand and the special clarity of light to be found in the sky in that part of the world. She also had long conversations with some of the other guests, finding common ground in their reasons for being there. Hilda did not realise it, but one or two of them found in her a receptive and understanding ear and began to seek her out, and in listening to them she found she could put her own sorrow to one side for moments at a time. One person who did realise what was happening was Mother Abbess and she was finding herself ever more impressed with Hilda’s gentle, intuitive character and with her courage.

However, as Hilda frequently admitted to Mother Abbess, the best help of all was the nun herself, who was so tough and yet so gentle with her. One day, on leaving Hilda in the garden after one of their talks, Mother Abbess handed her a card with a quotation on it from St Bernard of Clairvaux and it brought her immense consolation:

I can never lose one whom I have loved unto the end;
one to whom my soul cleaves so firmly
that it can never be separated,
does not go away but only goes before.

#169: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 10:54 am

Thank you Mary.

#170: Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 11:14 am

this is beautiful Mary Crying or Very sad

thank you

#171: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 1:24 pm

Thank you Mary that was so lovely.

#172: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 1:26 pm

Thanks Mary

Crying or Very sad

Liz

#173: Author: Kat, Location: Swansea

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:06 pm

Am very glad that Hilly is beginning to come round Smile

Thanks Mary Smile

#174: Author: Alice, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:12 pm

Thank you Mary, that was lovely.

#175: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:32 pm

Kat wrote:

Am very glad that Hilly is beginning to come round

Emphasis on *beginning* I'm afraid! Don't get your hopes up just yet, Kat!

#176: Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:39 pm

grrr mary stop teasing us please and post some more!
pwetty peas? Rolling Eyes

#177: Author: gypsum,

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:42 pm

Or perhaps attractive courgettes?

Sorry!

#178: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 5:03 pm

Thank you Mary - lovely piece -believe you added a bit to it? It made it even better. Very Happy

#179: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 7:50 pm

The final quote was lovely. Crying or Very sad

#180: Author: Helen P, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 8:30 pm

Thanks Mary - it is beginning to sound a little more optimistic. I'm glad for Hilda that this is so - although I'm sure it will still be a very long haul for her.

#181: Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 10:35 pm

gypsum wrote:

Or perhaps attractive courgettes?

Sorry!

i was hoping that my cute child likeness speech might help... i think i was wrong Sad

#182: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:19 am

Beautiful, Mary!

#183: New Dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 7:31 am

Your pleas have worked, aitchemalle, or shouldI say your pwetty peas!?

Three days before she was due to leave the convent, Hilda was walking along the beach, deep in her thoughts, when looking up she saw a man coming towards her who seemed familiar. As he raised a hand, she realised, to her utter astonishment, that it was Ian Stuart. As he reached her he opened wide his arms and she walked into them without a second thought. He held her close for a moment then took her by the shoulders and searched her face.

“Hilda, my dear, you look a different person from the ghost who left us two weeks ago. I don’t need to ask if it has helped.”

She looked up at him and tried to keep the smile from her face and voice.

“And what have you to say for yourself, Ian Stuart?” she asked menacingly.

“Pax! Pax!” He laughingly held up his hands. “I should have told you, I know.” She let it go and smiled up at him, glad of this reminder of home. He put his arm round her shoulders and they set off along the beach back to the Convent in perfect harmony.

“You saved my life, Ian,” she said, her beautiful voice soft and low. “ If I had stayed at school or gone somewhere on my own .....” and she shuddered. “I think I might have done something terrible, despite my faith.” Her eyes went dark, as she recalled how she had felt two weeks ago. “You and your sister between you have brought me back from the very brink. She is a wonderful woman and has dealt with me very faithfully. She’s bullied me, babied me, loved me and put up with my every mood. I can never repay all I owe her.” He hugged her close and they carried on walking. “But what are you doing here?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I’ve been on a course in Suffolk, so stopped to stay a night with my sister before going on to London to a conference.”

“I’ll be in London next week myself,” she said in surprise. “ I have to interview several parents – and also some applicants for a new Science mistress...” Her voice suddenly faltered, and stopping, he turned to her quickly and saw the fear in her eyes.

“Then may I take you out to dinner one night?” he asked hopefully.

“I’d love it,” she said with relief. “London is no fun on one’s own, especially if one is....”

“Still lonely and grieving,” he said quietly and she nodded. “Then before I leave tomorrow morning I’ll take your hotel name and telephone number.”

Mother Abbess watched Hilda’s bright face that night at dinner as Hilda sat talking to Ian and thought what great progress her guest had made in the two weeks she had been here. What a brave lady she was. And such a loving one. All the sisters in the convent had taken her to their hearts for she always had a gentle smile and a kind word for everyone she met, no matter how bad she was feeling.

The next morning, after Ian had gone, and Hilda and Mother Abbess were together in the nun’s office, Hilda said tentatively, “You know I have to be in London next week for interviews?” Mother Abbess nodded. “Is there any possibility I could then return here for another two weeks?”

Mother Abbess looked at her lovingly and said with real feeling, “If you really want that, of course you may. You’ll be more than welcome.”

“I don’t only want it, I need it,” cried Hilda, her lovely voice suddenly cracking. “I’m afraid to return to school. I’m afraid all of a sudden that being there will destroy all that I’ve learned here. Nell will be waiting around every corner.”

Mother Abbess scrutinised Hilda’s face and saw real fear, almost desperation, in the keen blue-grey eyes. She knew Hilda’s sensitive nature by now and was perceptive enough to see that that sensitivity was making her doubt herself.

“Hilda, it’s not going to be easy and you will still grieve badly but nothing will destroy what you have learned in these two weeks. You’re too strong and too close to God .” Hilda shook her head and closed her eyes. “Oh yes, my dear, you are! But we would love to have you back – for our own sake. We find you very beautiful, stimulating company, my dear. I can see exactly why your Nell loved you so much.” Mother Abbess’s voice held great warmth.

At these words, Hilda suddenly knelt on the carpet and laid her head in Mother Abbess’s lap. The nun gently stroked the glossy brown hair now showing streaks of silver. There was silence for a while and then Hilda, fighting tears, looked up into the kindly face.

“And have you also learned why I loved Nell so much and miss her so much?” she whispered.

Mother Abbess nodded, her eyes soft as she looked down into the gentle eyes of this gracious woman she was beginning to love very much.

“Yes, my dear, you painted a very vivid picture of her. You were both very blessed to have each other. It is not given to many to have that kind of understanding and losing it could only be like an annihilation.”

#184: Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:53 am

This is gorgeous Mary! THank you for responding to my childishness!!
Hannah X

#185: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:31 am

Mary, words fail me at your depth of understanding.

#186: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 11:11 am

Wow. Thank you Mary.

#187: Author: Karry,

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 12:12 pm

I have just read all of this at work - It is VERY hard not to drip tears all over my Keyboard. one or two people have wandered by and given me funny looks! Smile

This is superb, Mary. Please continue! Where did you get the quotes? I am going to have to borrow them, a good friend has just been bereaved and they will be perfect.

Thanks again

#188: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:35 pm

Is it just me, or might there be something between Hilda and Stuart Embarassed

EIther way, this is very, very lovely Mary.

#189: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:53 pm

Chelsea it's ok I had wondered whether something might be going to happen there myself!

#190: Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 3:09 pm

me too, me too *waves*
but then i couldn't remember if Stuart was a priest or not and then sort of forgot to check! is he?

#191: Author: Karry,

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 3:20 pm

aitchemelle wrote

Quote:

me too, me too *waves*
but then i couldn't remember if Stuart was a priest or not and then sort of forgot to check! is he?

Just checked - He is an anglican priest (there are anglican nuns, so that would explain his sister being an abbess) so he can marry!
(hopeful Very Happy

)

#192: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 3:26 pm

Mary, this really is incredible! Thank you hunny!

#193: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:13 pm

Just caught up on this - wonderful to see Hilda starting to work through her grief and be able to forgive herself as well

#194: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:28 pm

Chelsea wrote:

Is it just me, or might there be something between Hilda and Stuart

I'm saying nothing. What imaginations you all have! Rolling Eyes

#195: Author: Helen P, Location: Cheshire

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:02 pm

Well nothing of the sort (Hilda and Stuart) had occurred to me at all, but of course it has now!

Thankyou for another stunning update Mary Smile

#196: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:28 pm

Thank you Mary - once again I can't find adequate words to describe how beautiful this is.

Liz

#197: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:28 pm

Thank you Mary, Even if there is nothing between her and Stewart a friend from outside the school will be very good for her.

#198: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 11:17 pm

Mary, this is wonderful. I'm loving it, and you are so kind to us with a new bit promptly each morning. Thank you.

*hoping that there IS something going on between Hilda and Stuart*

#199: Author: Signa, Location: Lily ponds, Bosherston

Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 12:30 am

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow! Just found this tonight & read right through. This is really super, Mary. Just opened a new box of tissues, so am all ready for the next bit.

#200: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:51 am