The CBB :: View topic - New Dreams (Part 4)

#301: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 9:30 pm

Even with all the sunshine there are still shadows, and the shadow of Nell's loss can never be far away from Hilda. What a revealing glimpse of her continuing deep sense of loneliness you give us here - and still, her sense of shock that so many people love her, and want to help and support her in her grieving. Where did you find that message of Biddy's? - it is so loving, and so like her - it feels Irish!

Yet above all, as Lesley puts it so aptly, when all is said and done, there is only one person who could really give Hilda what she's longing for.....

Thank you, Mary - you sent shivers down my spine with this one - its beauty and poignancy are so haunting.

#302: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 10:06 pm

MaryR wrote:

“Nell got to you?”

Hilda gazed at her out of those haunted eyes, and then nodded and closed her eyes as she spoke. “One of those times when she won’t let go.

Beautiful.

Good to hear that Biddy keeps on dropping in, and sending messages, she sees that Hilda's need is ongoing.

And Matey is right, Hilda- exhaustion doesn't help.

Thank you, Mary. A sad change after the light hearted incidents we've seen lately, but very realistic.

Me? I'm still worrying about how Nancy and Kathie are getting on. It's been very quiet from them lately...

#303: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 11:32 pm

Oh, how lovely of Biddy - and all those others who send cards etc.

Thanks Mary

Liz

#304: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:13 am

Oh Mary, that desolation.... Crying or Very sad

Nell, still with the capacity to wrench Hilda apart - the necessary corollary to the love that they shared. But if the price of losing the pain was to forget Nell, then Hilda wouldn't wish that either. Grief is a lonely empty road at times.

And lovely Matey, so wise in her friendship, so aware of Hilda.

#305: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:15 pm

Quote:

Matey felt her throat tighten at the desolation in Hilda’s voice and wished, not for the first time, that she had a magic wand.

And don't we all wish that, at times, when our friends are suffering? Very aptly put, Mary.

I can really feel Hilda's desolation in that post. But what wonderful friends she has, who keep on and keep on with their encouraging notes, calls and visits, even though they don't see her private grief.

Thankyou Mary. Smile

#306: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 6:20 pm

Thankyou Mary, those were just lovely. It is wonderful to see Hilda's friends coming arround her as she goes through the difficult time, as she will do at times. And it was also good to see the schools acceptance of the role that vivien plays on the half term trip away. Was she hedging when she told Hilda that it was just the clarity of what she could see that had caused her to react in the way she did when looking at hilda's palm

#307: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 6:57 pm

Many thanks for the appreciative comments - you're all dears. Wink

Nicola, Kathie takes centre-stage in tomorrow's post. Will that do you? Rolling Eyes

The next morning a letter arrived from Mother Abbess, as though by coincidence, but Hilda no longer believed in coincidences. To her they were instances of God unfolding His loving plan for her.

Hilda, my dear, your last letter spoke to me of sadness and great loneliness, despite your apparent cheeriness. I suspect, sweetheart, it is due to being back in school, which is still haunted for you by Nell’s presence. Half term took you away from that and gave you a task, which you seem to have accomplished wholeheartedly and with your usual finesse. Events certainly played into your hands, and Vivien seems to be doing you yourself so much good. I’m so glad you heeded my words and let her in.

You must have heard of Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, killed by the Nazis during the war. We must look together sometime at the prayers he wrote while awaiting execution. But for now I want you to read these words of his about separation:

“Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.”

Sweetheart, your memories of Nell make you so sad still, but they are a link between you, a current flowing to and fro, keeping your connection alive until you meet again. God is with you in those memories, as He was with you when you made those memories together. So offer them to God, let Him transform them for you by some miracle of His grace. Let them become part of the joy that is welling up in your heart

She folded the letter and held it tight. Memories that would bring joy instead of pain! What a transformation that would be!

Hilda did not realise it, but she herself was being transformed, or rather her character was being refined, as she accepted fully her pain and sadness, helped as she had been by her dreams of Nell and by the times she had heard that still, small voice of Love Himself. She was learning that you cannnot break God’s promises by leaning on them, that “those everlasting arms” were always there, even if only in the guise of a friend’s hand held out to comfort.

While losing none of her great strength and determination, or indeed her stubbornness, her gentle nature was becoming ever more tender and compassionate, and she gave to others with a new tranquillity. She met the school’s problems and puzzles with equanimity and a strong sense of repose. Having always been well aware of what was going on in the school, she now seemed to pick things up even sooner and avert them almost before they were happening, thereby earning her Prefects’ undying admiration, as it made their life easier.

Her attitude to lawbreakers was as icy and forbidding as ever, though somehow she seemed to be able to appeal to their better nature on a new level. Those, however, on a Head’s Report, who might have been hoping for leniency, found her as unrewarding as usual, her ‘justice with mercy’ approach seeming to find both qualities enhanced. Even in her gentleness, she knew that sometimes a person needed bringing to a sense of their own weakness, needed a ‘wake up’ call to set them once more on the right path.

She was as calm and serene as always in public, even in the lonely heart of her grief, and now the joy she was experiencing gave her eyes a new tenderness and luminosity. One saw there something of the radiance that had so awed Nancy.

But Nancy and Matey knew the vulnerabilities and insecurities that still lay behind that peaceful exterior and were grateful that, when the loneliness became too great to bear, when the floodgates threatened to open, she was learning, slowly, to turn to them. Both were saddened by the necessity, and yet rejoicing that she could now do this, and welcomed her always with open arms. They knew they received from her far more than they ever gave.

However, at the really lonely times only Mother Abbess would do, and here she received a true daughter’s welcome. To the nun she confessed that she felt as though God was breaking her wide open and remoulding her, as she became ever more open and dependent. She was not at all sure she liked letting down her walls, but if that was what God wanted from her....

Mother Abbess reassured her. “Hilda, one life can influence an entire community, just as one flower can fill a room with sweet perfume. Through your sorrow, your brokenness, by accepting it, living with it, trusting God in it, and above all, by opening yourself up because of it, you are becoming such nourishment for other people.

#308: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 7:13 pm

Oh Mary, that was just lovely. From the start with the letter from MA, including the Bonhoeffer quote - I'm sure I studied him a little last year - Through the pain that Hilda sometimes still gets, and the cheerful acceptance of that, to the end of the peice where MA is treating Hilda like a daughter was touchingly relevant to your topic. Thank you Mary

#309: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 8:07 pm

A nice reminder that all is not becoming easy for Hilda. I do like the way you have shown all this as developing her skills and character, making her more astute, tender and compassionate, while keeping that strong sense of justice and judgement.

I keep coming across Bonhoffer at the moment in different places, odd co-incidence. Maybe I should read a bit more of him.

Quote:

she felt as though God was breaking her wide open and remoulding her, as she became ever more open and dependent. She was not at all sure she liked letting down her walls, but if that was what God wanted from her....

I would be surprised if she did like it! However much we know it has to happen, that it is for the best, it is a hard process.

It is good that she is learning to turn to nancy, but with your comment that we are to have more of Kathie in the next post, I tremble in case we are to discover further problems between Nancy and Kathie because of Nancy's support of Hilda.

#310: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:24 pm

So, so glad Hilda has Mother Abbess to turn to for help and comfort. The words of Bonhoeffer must be so comforting for all who have lost a loved one - that the hole left by their absence is not expected to be filled, not by time, by other friends, by memories, not even by your God - it gives people permission to continue grieving even while embracing their faith.

Thank you Mary.

(And, for those of us without a specific faith it is just as relevant)

#311: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 11:23 pm

Quote:

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. ..... It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.”

Quote:

While losing none of her great strength and determination, or indeed her stubbornness, her gentle nature was becoming ever more tender and compassionate, and she gave to others with a new tranquillity.

Quote:

Mother Abbess reassured her. “Hilda, one life can influence an entire community, just as one flower can fill a room with sweet perfume. Through your sorrow, your brokenness, by accepting it, living with it, trusting God in it, and above all, by opening yourself up because of it, you are becoming such nourishment for other people.

These three wonderful passages reveal so much about how much Hilda has been changed inexorably through Nell's death, from the wartime wisdom of the Pastor, to the gentle comfort and reassurance of Mother Abbess.

Hilda not only has 'permission' to continue to grieve, but through that grieving, and her growing ability to open herself up and share her feelings with others, she herself is becoming even more of a nurturer to them than she has always been.

A beautiful and very gentle picture, Mary - simultaneously sad and positive. And another milestone on her grief journey, which can give solace both to believers and those, as Lesley says, who do not have a specific faith.

Thank you.

#312: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:56 am

"Hilda, one life can influence an entire community, just as one flower can fill a room with sweet perfume. Through your sorrow, your brokenness, by accepting it, living with it, trusting God in it, and above all, by opening yourself up because of it, you are becoming such nourishment for other people."

Mary what a marvellous description of what she has and is becoming for others - more her own self than ever before, even though all the pain.

"Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. ..... It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.”

A splendid validation of grief, and very true.

#313: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:05 am

A quiet interlude showing us how Hilda is growing and developing. As Cath said, a wonderful validation of grief. Thanks. Mary.

#314: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:50 pm

Thanks Mary

Liz

#315: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:01 pm

Thank you Mary. Poor Hilda to still be finding things so hard at School despite the joy of half-term and as for not liking the feeling that God is breakign her open and remounlding her I don't think anyone ever does in fact we often try to avoid it but it is a wonderful way to develop and grow in character and faith.

#316: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:38 pm

Gosh, Mary, there is too much that resonates in that part to quote anything individually!

I did enjoy seeing this little interlude, telling us how Hilda is really progressing through her grief. The Bonhoeffer quote is fascinating and very true - not one I have heard before, but I will remember it.

The breaking wide open and being remoulded - yes, it is terrifying, and yes it will hurt - lots - but we can already see in Hilda what a worthwhile process it is.

Thankyou.

#317: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:11 pm

As they left half term behind and the thought of Christmas suddenly loomed, two things were brought to Hilda’s attention. One was Ian. It was about time she revealed her plans to him, for it was not fair to expect Mother Abbess to keep her secrets for her. Also, she could not let the poor man go on living in hope, as she knew he still was, despite all his words to the contrary. But that was in hand and hopefully would soon be behind her.

The other problem was brought to her by the Staff. Who was going to direct the Christmas play, now that Kathie was over at St Mildred’s? Indeed, was there a play? Hilda had chuckled at that and rooted a manuscript out of her bottom drawer.

“There certainly is. Newly minted from Jo’s own hand. And jolly good it is too,” she added, looking around at the deputation of Ruth, Jeanne and Rosalind Moore. “But I see the problem. It will be a little difficult for Kathie to come over, especially if the weather turns nasty. I need to find out, though, don’t I?” and when they nodded solemnly she promised to ring and make an appointment to discuss it with Kathie. “Meanwhile, the thing has been duplicated so if you want to go away, read it and think about parts...... Oh, and Ruth, are you willing to give your usual helping hand? I appreciate you don’t want the full responsibility, although if Kathie doesn’t direct......”

She looked questioningly at Ruth Derwent, and Ruth considered her Head for a moment or two. “Would you mind very much if I dropped out altogether? I ask because I don’t have the gift of inspiring the girls as Kathie does – no Hilda, wait – and I was wondering.....”She eyed Hilda again, somewhat anxiously, and the Head waited patiently, seeing that this was important. “Vivien tells me she has done quite a bit of drama, has even acted herself, and I was wondering if Kathie would like to have the benefit of her experience. Or if Kathie doesn’t want to do it, perhaps Vivien could have a go, and I’ll stay on and help.”

A smile lit up Hilda’s face at this. “She’s certainly a good actress, if her gypsy performance is anything to go by! She took me in, and I don’t think I’m too easily fooled!” she said dryly and the others grinned. Hilda easily fooled? When Hell froze over, maybe!

She mused a moment and then added: “Tell her I’ll have to listen to what Kathie says first, but I foresee no problems myself.” They trooped off to Rosalie’s office to get their copies, while Hilda looked at her watch and then phoned Nancy, to ask when would be a good time to meet with Kathie. Between them, they decided that Hilda would go across for Kaffee and Kuchen later on. She put the phone down and settled in to her never-ending correspondence with a gentle sigh.

As she walked over to Millie’s later, she wondered if indeed Kathie would be willing to relinquish the play. After all, she had been producing it for a good few years now. Hilda had not seen much of the new deputy head since September, apart from official meetings, feeling Nancy was the right person to break Kathie into her new position, but she had assured her that she was always available if Kathie so wished. Kathie had not wished, and Hilda had suddenly realised this the day after Nell’s anniversary. She had decided then that it was about time she discussed with Kathie how she actually felt about her new post.

Kathie had not been in a good mood on her way over that day. Nancy had made the mistake of warning her how distraught Hilda had been, and Kathie had flung out of the door, not wanting to hear any more about Hilda’s needs – what about Kathie’s needs, she had said to herself angrily.

However, being more naturally sensitive than Nancy, on entering the Study she had immediately been struck by Hilda’s pallor and the dark shadows round her eyes. This woman has suffered, were the words that sprang into her mind. Then, as Hilda smiled a welcome, Kathie had been awestruck by the radiance in her eyes, as others had the day before. It was a quiet radiance that cast its mantle over you and gentled you – and Kathie had left all her grievances behind her, and let Hilda’s coaxing draw out of her all her problems and all her little successes in this first term of her senior position.

She had left the Study with her eyes shining, feeling empowered and encouraged, and Nancy, expecting the worst, could only breathe a great sigh of relief and pray that it would last. Which it had done over half term, when the pair had taken advantage of having no duties and had gone away to the Dolomites. Nancy herself had not mentioned Hilda, just been her usual loving, relaxed self.

However, the power of those radiant blue-grey eyes had faded on the women’s return and they heard all about Vivien’s exploits in Lausanne. All was fine until Vivien herself had poured out her admiration and sympathy for Hilda. Suddenly jealousy had reared its ugly head again. Nancy had not realised just how badly – but she was about to find out!

#318: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:17 pm

Thanks Mary, I've enjoyed catching up on this - what super long posts as well x

#319: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:20 pm

Oh dear, I hope poor Vivien is not going to be affected by Kathie's jealousy. Feel sorry for Kathie too, even though I also want to shake her!

Thanks Mary.

#320: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:32 pm

I'm glad that Kathie feels the need Hilda has when she stays with her. If she had lashed out at her she could have done irreparable harm. I'm sure that Vivien has sense to be able to deal with this, but I'm also certain that she will be hurt by it, especially when Hilda has touched her in the way she has.

I hope that this will not be bad enough that Hilda is pulled into it.

Thanks Mary

#321: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:55 pm

Poor Kathie - Hope she can fight her inner demons

Thanks Mary

Liz

#322: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:02 pm

Oh dear, squalls ahead by the looks of things. This could be be very hard for all of them.

#323: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:36 pm

Hmm, squalls could certainly be ahead here if Kathie allows potential jealousy of Vivien to cloud her judgement. She's having a difficult enough time accepting the new relationship between Hilda and Nancy without that.

But I have faith that Hilda's powers of intuition and observation, which are now even sharper than they used to be, will allow her to recognise the storm signals and be able to defuse them successfully.

Thanks, Mary

#324: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:29 pm

Oh, ah, not one but two potential problems here! Kathie may well be jealous and cause professional difficulties, but there's also Ian. At least Hilda knows he is still carrying a torch for her, so let's hope that this doesn't cause him to be unwise in his reactions.

Excellent Mary!

#325: Author: Guest,

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:21 am

Oh dear! I'm worrying now. You've set the scene for some rather ugly ructions between Kathie and Vivien, I suspect. And Hilda has to finish letting the love-lorn Ian down gently. It's not going to be a quiet run up to Christmas, is it?

Thank you, Mary.

#326: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:23 am

Oops, that was me. See how inadvertently stealthy I can be.

And I meant to quote this bit,

Quote:

It was a quiet radiance that cast its mantle over you and gentled you – and Kathie had left all her grievances behind her, and let Hilda’s coaxing draw out of her all her problems and all her little successes in this first term of her senior position.

Lovely that Hilda has that effect on Kathie, even though she started off feeling so angry and resentful. Thanks, Mary.

#327: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:05 am

Oh dear - definately think there are squalls ahead. Poor Kathie feeling jealous is horrible. I do hope her and Vivian can be friends.

Thank you Mary.

#328: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:22 am

Quote:

Kathie had not wished, and Hilda had suddenly realised this the day after Nell’s anniversary. She had decided then that it was about time she discussed with Kathie how she actually felt about her new post.

Good for Hilda for being proactive with Kathie. I'm very worried about the squalls ahead - but at least Hilda has proved in the past that she can calm Kathie and make her feel better about herself - let's hope she can do the same again!

Thankyou Mary Smile

#329: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:08 am

Thank you for the lovely comments above, but unfortunately this is not an update, as you can see! Laughing

I am going away tomorrow for a week, to sunny (hopefully Shocked

) Nice, so I decided I would take a leaf out of Lesley’s book and leave you on a nice little cliff. Shocked

What is Kathie going to get up to, I wonder.....

Chinese Proverb

If there be righteousness in every heart
There will be beauty in every character.
If there be beauty in every character
There will be harmony in every home.
If there be harmony in every home
There will be order in every nation.
When there is order in every nation
There will be peace throughout the world.

Or, as Eleanor Doon says:

Love your enemy – it will drive him nuts.

#330: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:11 am

Have a lovely holiday Mary! Very Happy

#331: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:44 am

Have a lovely and sunny holiday. I've seen that proverb in a slightly different form before and thought it very profound.

#332: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:52 am

Have a lovely holiday Mary. Relax and enjoy yourself. Smile

#333: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 10:26 am

Have great hols Very Happy

#334: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 10:46 am

Have a wonderful holiday, Mary, and thankyou for letting us know - we would have been most perturbed if you hadn't! Laughing

I love both the proverbs - I might copy the first one out and stick it on the wall! Smile

#335: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:37 pm

Helen P wrote:

I love both the proverbs - I might copy the first one out and stick it on the wall! Smile

I think I'll go for the second one Laughing

Thanks Mary - have a wonderful holiday

Liz

#336: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 1:16 pm

Just caught up on 6 pages of this Mary, and wanted to say a big thankyou, for making me laugh and making me cry

Have a fabulous holiday - hope the weather is lovely for you and you have a great time

#337: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 1:17 pm

Have a lovely holiday, Mary - Nice should be lovely at this time of year - but do spare a thought for the rest of us perching on your cliff here!!

Thanks for the proverbs, too -I like both of them.

#338: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 5:44 pm

Have a great holiday Mary!

#339: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 5:53 pm

Looking forward to your return already Mary, and not just because of the cliff either. Lovely proverbs as well. Thanks Mary

#340: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 6:43 pm

Me? Cliffs? Surely not! Twisted Evil

Have a lovely holiday Mary. Kiss

#341: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:53 pm

I hope you have a great holiday Mary.
New Dreams is lovely.
Thank you.
Hope Kathie isn't too horrible to Hilda.

#342: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:05 pm

calico wrote:

Hope Kathie isn't too horrible to Hilda.

Judge for yourself in the next section, Calico! Crying or Very sad

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. We had a lovely break.

..... Suddenly jealousy had reared its ugly head again. Nancy had not realised just how badly – but she was about to find out!

As she sat down in Nancy’s Study, Hilda was aware of an atmosphere in the room. Gazing at the two women closely, she surprised a shamefaced look on Nancy’s face as she tried to smile at Hilda, and her cheeks were flushed, her lips rather tight. Hilda’s eyes strayed to Kathie – and what she saw there gave her pause. Kathie was glaring at her. No other word would do. Coldness emanating from her, Kathie was glaring as though Hilda had perpetrated some terrible outrage against her.

As Hilda’s conscience was clear, she was at a loss and turned back to Nancy, one eyebrow raised in interrogation, but Nancy only shrugged and shook her head slightly. Had they argued, wondered Hilda. But if so, why was Kathie looking daggers at her like that?

She gave it up for the time being, deciding to concentrate on the job in hand. Setting down her cup she smiled across at Kathie. “Now that we’re two weeks into this half of the term we really need to be thinking about the play. The thing is, Kathie,” and suddenly she paused, feeling rather hesitant as the cold glare continued. “The thing is, we’re wondering if you want to direct this year or if you feel the time has come to hand it on to someone else.”

“Is there any reason why I should?” asked Kathie, her voice matching the icy glare.

Hilda kept her smile in place as she answered softly, “Well, you do have more duties and responsibilities over here now, as well as more teaching of the Senior girls over in the main school. Plus, we have to factor in the weather. There may be days when you simply wouldn’t be able to get across.”

“Do you want me to give it up?” The voice was even more glacial. “Are you implying I’m no longer up to it?”

Hilda sat up straighter in her chair. When she next spoke her tone was still gentle, but her smile had faded and her eyes had turned grey and lost their warmth. “Now why would I think that, Kathie? I’m not implying anything, anything at all. I’m simply asking your opinion, while at the same time pointing out the problems.”

Kathie recognised that she had gone too far and took a deep breath, backtracking a little. “I’m sorry,” she said, though her tone of voice was hardly apologetic and the grey in the Head’s eyes began to glint steel. “I just felt for a moment......Yes, I can see the problems but I’d still like to tackle it.”

“And what about the pantomime in February?” Hilda’s voice was still gentle. “Might doing both leave too much of your other responsibilities falling on others’ shoulders?”

Kathie’s eyes flew to Nancy, who was looking down in an embarrassed silence. “Nancy, would it be too much if I did both? Would it all impinge on what I need to do for you? I’m willing to give up the play if you think I should.”

The other two women both noticed her unconscious emphasis on the pronoun, and Nancy, looking up, saw the sudden withdrawal in Hilda’s eyes. But she knew she had to remain impartial. “It shouldn’t. The girls do most of the pantomime themselves, they just need a guiding hand now and then. It’s up to you, Kathie, taking into account all that Hilda has said.”

Kathie’s eyes returned to Hilda’s, almost with a hint of triumph in them. Ignoring it, and still speaking gently, Hilda said, “Then may I make a suggestion? Ruth really doesn’t want to be involved any more, but she has told me that Vivien would like to help Apparently she has done quite a bit of drama in her other schools. She could assist you and take over when the weather....”

She stopped, appalled. Kathie’s attractive face was distorted, and her voice almost a snarl, as she hurled her words at Hilda. “Another of your favourites? Trying to replace...”

“You forget yourself, Miss Ferrars.” Hilda’s frigid voice cut through Kathie’s rant and the atmosphere in the room cooled by several degrees. Her eyes were now pure steel and very grim. “Unless you can continue this conversation in a dignified manner I shall cut it short now – and make my own decision on what should be done.”

Brought sharply to her senses, Kathie sat there, her face bright red, her eyes suddenly downcast. What have I done, she wailed to herself silently. She really did not recognise herself these days..... Hilda saw the effort it took for the younger woman to raise her eyes, but she refused to let herself soften! This was far too serious.

“I’m sorry, Hilda,” whispered Kathie, and all coldness had left her eyes, only shame reflected there now. “That was unforgivable of me. It was just...” She trailed off miserably, her eyes downcast again. There really was nothing she could say to exonerate herself.

When Hilda finally spoke, her voice was gentle again, but oh, the ice could still be felt in that gentleness! “It was just what, Kathie? Jealousy?” The word dropped softly into the silence of the room, and Hilda could not know how that word had resonated with the other two women.

“You should know, after all these years, Kathie, that I never play favourites, among girls or mistresses.” Kathie did know. The Head’s absolute fairness was known to all. Hilda’s voice became even softer and gentler. “What has made you feel I have lost all impartiality, my dear? I offer you help from someone who has some experience. If it’s not jealousy, is it perhaps fear? That someone else could take your place?”

Kathie by now could feel herself trembling, as Hilda dissected her remorselessly. The young deputy head could only make a guess at what that voice and manner did to the girls. No wonder they dreaded being on a Head’s Report!

“Kathie, look at me!” Hilda rapped out suddenly, and Kathie gasped and complied forthwith, then quailed at the look in Hilda’s eyes. Those eyes were fearless. This woman would go where no one else dared.

And yet the voice had now regained some of its beauty as Hilda said, extremely softly, “None of us is indispensable, Kathie, and we should all be humble enough to accept it. I told you that, when you demurred at my retirement. Even if you do the play this year, it must be your last. You will be Head next year and so it will be out of the question.” There was silence as Kathie stared at her as though mesmerised. Hilda’s voice dropped even lower as she suddenly added, “Unless you would like to be removed from the Headship”

Another silence followed, a long and precarious silence, and tears began to trickle down Kathie’s hot cheeks as she looked down at the floor once more. She knew how justified Hilda was, especially after all she had done for Nancy and Kathie.

Hilda herself was longing to comfort Kathie, but some sixth sense warned her that it would be fatal, that Kathie needed this short, sharp shock. Had Kathie looked up, she would have seen that the ice had left Hilda’s eyes, that they were very gentle, if extremely puzzled. But even Nancy did not see. She had been so disgusted by Kathie’s words and actions that she was glaring at her, her lips very firm, her own eyes very hard.

Hilda stood up and shrugged into her coat and wrapped her scarf round herself. She then looked down at Kathie’s bowed head. “I don’t know what’s wrong, Kathie,” she said, her voice quietness itself, but very clear. “If you are worried about the Headship, or about anything at all, you know my door is always open. But Nancy is your immediate superior at this moment, so you need to discuss this with her, at least.”

She paused, but Kathie did not look up. “I need an answer about the play by this time tomorrow,” Hilda added, and then turned to Nancy.” I’ll see myself out. Good night, Nancy, my dear,” and she was gone as quietly as was her wont, leaving Nancy, even in her anger, more aware than ever of the hard, bitter loneliness that was Hilda’s, now that she had this to bear on her own as well.

Last edited by MaryR on Sun Oct 16, 2005 9:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

#343: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:17 pm

Oh Mary, words are not enough to describe what Kathie, Hilda and Nancy have been through. It must have been like an emotional roller coaster for Hilda, and for you to write.

Hilda was simply wonderful though, she knew just how to handle her, through all her years of dealing with girls she has been given what she needs to deal with something like this in Kathie.

Of course at this precise moment she doesnt see the full reason behind it, and I'm sure that she will not choose to question Nancy about it, much as she would like to. I hope Nancy will feel able to go and explain to Hilda though.

I know it would be difficult, but Hilda does deserve at least a partial explanation of what was going on there, however much it might hurt her to hear of Kathie feeling jealous about how much time Nancy is giving her.

I also hope that if Nancy does it she will be enabled to do it in such a way that Hilda is not able to withdraw as she would probably like to do.

That's certainly coming back with a bang! Thanks Mary.

#344: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:59 pm

Quote:

That's certainly coming back with a bang! Thanks Mary.

You said it, Squirrel - my sentiments precisely. I wouldn't be in the shoes of any of those three at this minute for all the tea in China!

You know, I think that for all the shocks Hilda, as the Head Mistress, has just administered to Kathy in the hope that she'll snap her out of her present mood, the fact that she's even mentioned the word 'jealousy' makes me wonder if she, as another human being, not an authority figure now, actually senses what is at the root of Kathie's attitude. If so, it will be interesting to see how she reacts if Kathie finally breaks down and admits it -as I suspect she will do, eventually.

This was very well done, Mary - here's hoping that it does shock Kathie back to her usual self in the end, though I can forsee heartaches for everyone before she does so.

Welcome home, and thank you for ratcheting up the tension so quickly after your return. Will look forward to the next bit before too long.

#345: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 9:23 pm

Wow

Welcome home, and thankyou Mary - I knew I had missed New Dreams, but I hadn't realised just how much!

Poor Kathie - she is in a state, isn't she? Sad

And poor Hilda - but she was magnificent!

And poor Nancy; I do hope she and Kathie will be able to talk, and regain their intimacy.

#346: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 9:44 pm

Poor Kathie - she is a mass of insecurities isn't she.

Thanks Mary - Good to have you back.

Liz

#347: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 9:46 pm

Mary, what a wonderful post for you to make as the first after a break.

Hilda is amazing, and she was at her best there.

#348: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 10:48 pm

Welcome back Mary!

What a splendid post! How wise Nancy was remaining quiet while Hilda dealt with this - and how lonely Hilda is, because she can't share this with Nell.
I too wonder whether Kathie will tell her; hopefully this has jolted her back to thinking rather than reacting.

#349: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:14 am

Welcome back Mary. hope you had a lovely holiday?

Thank you for more of this. Poor Kathie so far removed from her normal self and not quite knowing what to do about it. I hope Hilda's treatment of her has worked and that Kathie can now talk openly with Nancy about her worries.

#350: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:35 am

Hilda was fantastic there - thanks Mary. Glad you had a nice break too

#351: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 12:25 pm

Welcome back Mary!!

I hope Hilda has got through to Kathie, and that she and Nancy can sort things out, and that this will end the jealousy.

#352: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 5:02 pm

Can only echo all that's gone before, Mary, magnificent post, Hilda's reaction so right, love the way she didn't allow herself to comfort Kathie but instead continued to hammer home the point.

Hope Nancy and Kathie can sort things out.

Thanks you.

#353: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:20 pm

....and she was gone as quietly as was her wont, leaving Nancy, even in her anger, more aware than ever of the hard, bitter loneliness that was Hilda’s, now that she had this to bear on her own as well.

A brittle, fragile silence remained behind her. Nancy was so angry that she was scared to speak. She removed herself to her desk, as though to put distance between herself and her partner. Once there, she buried her face in her hands, swearing silently. Was Kathie’s jealousy going to tear them all apart? Nancy’s fingers itched to phone Mother Abbess, just as her feet had itched to push her to fall on her knees before Hilda and beg her pardon. How could someone who had received as much as Kathie had, be so harsh and rude to the donor?

Never had Nancy heard Hilda speak like that to an adult before – but she presumed she must have had to do it occasionally. How it must hurt! And Hilda had remained so gentle. Nancy knew she herself would have wanted to fling something.

She heard Kathie move. Looking up, she watched her walk to the window and stand staring outwards, though Nancy doubted she saw anything, as her shoulders were shaking. She was crying hard, if silently. At any other time Nancy would have gone to her and wrapped her arms round her, comforted her, but at this moment the only person she wanted to comfort was Hilda.

Finally, Nancy controlled herself enough to speak. “How dare you?” she whispered. “After all Hilda has done for us, given to us, how dare you insult her like that? Nell would have killed you for that, because she loved Hilda so much. You are not fit to be Nell’s successor.”

Kathie flinched as though she had been struck and buried her face in her hands, her shoulders still shaking. Nancy herself did not dare to stand – she feared her legs would not hold her.

“Favourites? Hilda?” She dropped each word separately into the silence. “I would laugh if I didn’t feel like crying. If she does have any favourites, who do you think they might be, I wonder. The people right here in this room, perhaps?"

She waited silently for an answer but none was forthcoming from Kathie. Nancy went on relentlessly, "But she doesn’t do that. She just gives, out of the goodness of her heart. She just chooses the right person for the job, whether she likes them or not – or she did, till now. I’m sure she’s gone away wondering whether or not to demote you. You deserve every word she said to you - and a whole lot more I myself will say, if you do not remove yourself right now from my study.”

Kathie slowly turned and looked at her – and Nancy had never seen such a horrified expression on her face. But she hardened her heart as she thought about Hilda’s terrible grief. There was no way even her lover was going to treat Hilda in such a manner.

“Nancy....?” whispered Kathie, holding out her hand in silent appeal, but Nancy shook her head.

“No, Kathie! Hilda has done nothing to warrant such treatment, I have done nothing that would make Hilda deserve such treatment. This jealousy of yours is totally unfounded, even obscene. I love you, Kathie.” Nancy’s voice was hard, determined, as she spoke. “But you are going the right way about losing both myself, and your own job. I cannot condone what you just did. Nor do I see how we are ever going to explain this to Hilda.”

Kathie saw the implacability in Nancy’s eyes and slowly walked to the door. Nancy was not to know it, but some of Hilda’s gentleness and mercy would have worked far better, as Mother Abbess had advised her weeks before. Kathie hated herself for what she had done, having never behaved in such a fashion before, nor even felt like this before. But so confused and miserable was she that she also hated Hilda – and, in her unhappiness and possessiveness, somehow blamed Hilda for everything that had happened.

#354: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:47 pm

Quote:

Nancy was not to know it, but some of Hilda’s gentleness and mercy would have worked far better, as Mother Abbess had advised her weeks before.

I must admit I wondered about that myself, but clearly Nancy is determined that Kathie must come to terms with this for herself without any help from her.

Quote:

Kathie hated herself for what she had done, having never behaved in such a fashion before, nor even felt like this before. But so confused and miserable was she that she also hated Hilda – and, in her unhappiness and possessiveness, somehow blamed Hilda for everything that had happened.

Unfortunately, Kathie's blaming Hilda is quite in character with the level of jealousy she is currently experiencing. I wonder what it's going to take to make her snap out of it? Despite Hilda's implacability just then, we know her well enough to guess that if Kathie takes just a single step in the right direction, however small that might be, *she* will be the one who tempers justice with mercy.

It's definitely a nasty situation for all of them at present and I sincerely hope it doesn't last for too much longer. The 64,000 dollar question is: will Kathie suddenly wake up to the infinite loneliness of Hilda's existence without Nell before someone has to spell it out to her in words of one syllable? Please let her better nature triumph - this behaviour is so foreign to her.

Thanks Mary - will be waiting on the edge of my chair for the next bit.

#355: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:59 pm

Goodness. Thankyou Mary.

I don't like seeing Kathie like this at all - jealousy is eating away at her.

Quote:

Finally, Nancy controlled herself enough to speak. “How dare you?” she whispered. “After all Hilda has done for us, given to us, how dare you insult her like that? Nell would have killed you for that, because she loved Hilda so much. You are not fit to be Nell’s successor.”

I flinched there, too, just as Kathie did. Seeing Nancy's anger so tangible is quite frightening.

I hope the three women can sort this out.

#356: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:12 pm

Oh poor Kathie. I can understand what Nancy was going through, but when someone appeals to you like that you do have to understand that they need you to help them.

No one is asking Nancy to condone the way that Kathie has acted, of course they aren't, but what Kathie needed most was Nancy's forgiveness - even more than she needed Hilda's.

Perhaps if Nancy had been able to overcome the way she was feeling Kathie would have been able to leave her foolish attitude behind. Now it's obvious that she is going to be hurting more than ever.

Kathie is just like a frightened child who doesnt understand - she needs those who have that understanding to help her. I hope Nancy is able to see that for herself sooner or later, or she is just going to make things worse in her impulse to support Hilda.

I also hope that things recover before she has to know how bad things have become.

Thank you Mary.

#357: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:27 pm

Oh, I almost feel sorry for Kathie. Almost. She is behaving badly, but she is also jealous and hurting and that doesn't excuse her, but does help us to feel more sympathy towards her.

I think Nancy was probably right to send her away. She was angry and upset and if she had spoken to Kathie then it is possible things would have been said that could not be taken back.

#358: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 9:38 pm

Thank you Mary

Poor Kathie - is there nobody who will listen to her with sympathy and understanding?

Liz

#359: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:17 pm

Mary, I've only just seen this and yesterday's post, and you've got so much there. It's an extraordinarily powerful scene. You know I've been anticipating this confrontation ever since you began to set the scene for it, but I'm overwhelmed by how you've done it.

Too tired to write anything else coherent now, but I may come back to it tomorrow.

Thank you.

I've been rereading these last two posts, and I just want it all to work out all right between them. It seems so wrong for Nancy and Kathie to be at odds like this. Somebody needs to pull something special out to make Kathie see how wrong her attitude is. Poor old everyone.

You draw a very vivid and chilling picture of Kathie crying, and Nancy far too angry to comfort her. Perhaps this will show Kathie how wrong she is.

Last edited by Nicola on Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:39 pm; edited 1 time in total

#360: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:38 pm

Perhaps Mother Abbess's words about gentleness and mercy may have worked, but Nancy is not Hilda - and I think she was right to send Kathie away rather than tell her things when she (Nancy) was so angry.

This anger from Nancy - not someone that normally angers - especially when Nancy also stressed that she loved Kathie -may be enough to really bring home to Kathie the enormity of what she said and implied.

As to who can help - well, regardless, the one that may be able to help Kathie is Hilda, but Kathie has to make the first move.

Fabulous post Mary, thank you.

#361: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:16 pm

This was marvellous Mary - the sense of devastation and the bitterness that jealousy of this depth brings with it was so accurately portrayed.
Kathie is so confused and angry she cannot see straight and is hitting out blindly - and of course the harder she tries to do this the more she alienates Nancy, and hurts Hilda, and so it goes. Yes, Hilda could help her, but I don't see that at the moment she will permit this. But Gwynneth perhaps? Yes, she might have the wisdom and words to intervene here.
And poor Hilda, so lonely, and Nancy recognising it...oh dear.

Waiting for next post, but patiently!

#362: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 10:04 am

Poor Kathie she's lost who she really is underneath al this jealousy and possessiveness. I hope Nancy words get through to her and that she can make that first step to mending relations and emotions.

Thank you Mary.

#363: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:20 pm

.....But so confused and miserable was she that she also hated Hilda – and, in her unhappiness and possessiveness, somehow blamed her for everything that had happened.

Hilda, meanwhile, setting off on her return journey as the sun began its descent amid fragile ribbons of clouds, was so bewildered that she was almost at the school before she became aware of her surroundings. On a whim, deciding she needed help, she turned away from the school towards the Anglican chapel. But then, on another whim, she turned instead to the Catholic chapel, Our Lady of the Snows. At this moment she needed some reminder of Nell, some awareness that she was still near, and this was where Nell had worshipped, week in, week out, since the chapels had been built.

As she let herself in, the red sanctuary lamp, a reminder of the presence of the Blessed Sacrament, flickered in the cold air coming in with her and seemed to be welcoming her. She sat down near the back and closed her eyes, letting the incense-fragrant silence calm her. Gradually, her thought processes kicked in and she began to think more coherently.

Aware of nothing she had done that could provoke such an extraordinary reaction from someone whom she both liked and admired, she deliberated over the whole situation. If it was the result of an argument between Nancy and Kathie, she could not interfere – yet. If it was due to some problem within St Mildred’s, she could not interfere – yet. That was Nancy’s area of concern. As she had said to Kathie, Nancy was her immediate superior and was the one to deal with any problems over there, unless Nancy herself consulted with Hilda, as Nell had always done.

Thinking of Nell, who had knelt to pray in this quiet place, Hilda suddenly buried her face in her hands. “Oh, Nell,” she whispered. “Did we make a colossal mistake? Is she not ready for this? Have we given her too much responsibility too soon? Or is there something here I am missing?”

No matter her feelings for Kathie, the school must come first. If Kathie was going to be overwhelmed by it all, then she could not do the job. If she was going to let personal feelings, such as jealousy, affect important decisions, interfere in meetings, then she could not do the job. If she was given to sudden outbursts such as that this afternoon, then she could not do the job.

Hilda felt a sudden urgent hunger for Nell’s humour, Nell’s refusal to get worked up about things, her ability to bring Hilda back down to earth, to make her laugh at her own needless worries. Needless? No, she had the feeling there was every need to be worried here.

As she sat there, bone weary and sick at heart, a quietness gradually enveloped her, She looked up and waited, attentive, listening, eyes on the flickering sanctuary lamp. Slowly, oh so slowly, it came to her that she was to wait, very patiently, before making any decisions. She felt she was being told to act compassionately and generously towards Kathie, but at the same time being very firm and very fair – that in the end, all would be well.

Slipping to her knees, she began to pray, turning the two women over to God, knowing they were safer in God’s hands than her own. She promised to act as she had been guided, resting her troubled spirit for a moment in His timeless presence.

And I smiled to think God’s greatness
Flowed round our incompleteness,
Round our restlessness His rest.
(Browning)

Exhausted as she was physically from all her sleepless nights since her return from Lausanne, she yet rose to her feet with heart and mind steadier. Feeling somehow compelled to do what she had seen Nell do on occasions, she went to the candles standing beneath a statue of the Mother of Jesus and lit two, one for Kathie and one for Nancy. Then, lighting another one for Nell, she smiled up into the watchful face of the statue for a moment, admitting she had no pennies to pay but would not forget what she owed.

#364: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:32 pm

Quote:

Slowly, oh so slowly, it came to her that she was to wait, very patiently, before making any decisions. She felt she was being told to act compassionately and generously towards Kathie, but at the same time being very firm and very fair – that in the end, all would be well.

Only to Hilda could such advice be revealed - and how true to the very fibre of her being it is. We know she'll go out of her way to deal firmly yet compassionately with Kathie - we can only pray that Kathie will come to her senses without saying anything which can hurt or bewilder Hilda.

Interesting to see how Hilda veered to Our Lady Of Snows here, feeling that she could be closer to Nell here and longing for her advice. And, as we've seen, her faith was justified.

A very beautiful section, Mary, with Hilda at her quiet best despite her sense of puzzlement at Kathie's behaviour. Thank you.

#365: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:36 pm

Elder's said all I was about to, Mary - I also liked the way Hilda felt she had to go to the Catholic church to reach Nell - in a way i can understand it, but feel Nell should take Hilda to task - she can be reached anywhere.

Love the advice - only someone as patient as Hilda could follow it.

(And Kathie better not hurt her!)

Thank you. Laughing

#366: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:43 pm

That is probably the best advice, but so hard to follow. Only Hilda could do it.

#367: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:50 pm

Oh Mary, how touching a scene. Its simply wonderful to see how Hilda goes back to her faith, and back to Nell, in this crisis.

I also think that line stating how Hilda comes to understand the way to deal with Kathie is pivotal. That is such an important, and touching, line. In it's basis it is trust, to trust that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.

Hilda is to just go on being herself, and in this to rely fully on God, and He will work it out for her. Now I just hope that Hilda is able to live up to the challenge she has been given, and that Kathie will be able to respond to the compassion shown to her.

Thanks Mary.

#368: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:28 pm

How lovely, Mary. Reading this, I get such a feeling of the Peace that passes all understanding - flowing to Hilda and showing her what she needs to do.

Quote:

As she let herself in, the red sanctuary lamp, a reminder of the presence of the Blessed Sacrament, flickered in the cold air coming in with her and seemed to be welcoming her. She sat down near the back and closed her eyes, letting the incense-fragrant silence calm her.

That part just created the whole atmosphere of this part for me - I love the 'incense-fragrant silence'.

Thankyou Mary. Smile

#369: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:27 pm

Very lovely, very peaceful, very calming, and so necessary. And the hardest of all paths to follow, just to be still and wait on God and events.
I loved the double meaning at the end, that she "would not forget what she owed."

Beautiful, Mary, thank you.

#370: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 9:52 am

Very baeutiful; and a lovely senses of peace and God's presence. THank you Mary.

#371: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:42 pm

Thank you Mary

Liz

#372: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 7:19 pm

This starts off so desperately sad, Hilda feeling alone and confused after the scene with Kathie. I like the fact that she's drawn to Nell's church, not her own, and finds some help there.

Thanks Mary.

#373: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:23 pm

When she returned to her Study close on eighteen o’clock, she set Rosalie free for the evening and then settled down to some correspondence, ready for any girl who might want to talk to her in the next two hours. Though she was not sure she had the mental stamina at the moment to help anyone in too much trouble....

By half past nineteen Hilda was grateful she had had that time of quiet and ease in the chapel, for the girls had seemed determined to bring her their worst problems. After dealing with a sixth former who was struggling with the responsibilities of being a Prefect, a girl from third year who was extremely unhappy as her mother was seriously ill in the San, and a fifth former who was having friendship problems, she felt that she had used up all her reserves of strength, encouragement and patience. She realised that the problem of Kathie had not gone away but was insidiously eroding her composure.

As the last girl left the Study, she felt depleted and very, very sad. She laid her head on her arms on the desk, resting her eyes and trying to relax and find some of her usual serenity.....

Suddenly she was half-aware of an arm going round her shoulders and a quiet voice in her ear. “Hilda, wake up, love. Are you okay?”

Raising her head, she looked up groggily into Matey’s concerned face. “What is it?” she whispered. “Does someone need me?”

Matey took one look at her and spoke very firmly. “Bed! Right now! You’re all eyes! No one needs you, or if they do they will have to wait! How long have you been asleep?”

Sitting up and rubbing her eyes, Hilda asked, “What time is it?”

“After twenty. We got worried about you when you didn’t turn up for Abendessen.”

Hilda shook her head slowly and tiredly. “The last thing I remember is my door closing at half past nineteen. I’m fine, Gwynneth, honestly.”

“No, you’re not. You look worn out - and you’re not in the habit of falling asleep at your desk, now, are you? Come on, bed! I’ll bring you some supper.” Matey’s voice brooked no nonsense.

Knowing her friend was right, Hilda gave up the unequal struggle and tidied her books and papers before clambering wearily to her feet, staggering as she did so. But as they opened the door, they came face to face with Nancy, her hand raised to knock. “Sorry, Nancy,” said Matey, very firmly indeed. “But Hilda’s on her way to bed. She’s exhausted.”

One look at Hilda’s drained face and shadowed eyes convinced Nancy of the truth of this and she turned to go – but Hilda had seen the haunted look in her co-Head’s face. “Gwynneth,” she said slowly and quietly, “give me ten minutes.”

Aware of some tension she knew nothing about, but also noting how unhappy Nancy looked, Matey nodded. “Ten minutes is all I’m giving you. I’ll go and get your supper and wait for you in your room.”

She smiled at Nancy and bustled off, while Hilda, a prayer in her heart, indicated the settee. But Nancy shook her head. “I won’t keep you, love. I can see you’re all in – and I’m not surprised. You’ve been worrying about what happened, wondering if it was your fault in some way.” Bravely, she looked at Hilda, but the latter simply took her by the hand and sat her down, sitting close beside her.

“I can’t think of anything I have done, Nancy, but yes, I’ve been worrying. Clearly she is very upset about something. Is there anything I can do to help?” Her beautiful voice was very gentle, but the searching light in those keen eyes of hers made Nancy look down at their clasped hands to veil her own expression. What had she hoped to achieve by coming over?

Hilda waited patiently, allowing Nancy the time to take hold of her emotions. Finally, still looking down, Nancy whispered, “She seems very mixed-up at the moment. I know she finds teaching the Seniors harder than she expected, and of course there are all her new responsibilities. Also, I think perhaps she feels I’m being too much the headmistress and not enough....”

“The friend and lover?” asked Hilda softly. “But Nancy, she knows you love her, just as she knows I have every confidence in her......”

Nancy shook her head and bravely looked up. “She may doubt my love just at the moment. I threw her out of my office.” She saw Hilda’s eyes widen slightly in shock.

Remembering her thoughts in the chapel earlier, Hilda spoke quickly, “Nancy, you need to be gentle with her, and very patient. This is still all very new to her and she needs your full support.”

Nancy shook her head, though the words of Mother Abbess rang in her ears with the self-same message. “Not if she speaks to you like that, she doesn’t. It was unforgivable of her.” She paused then said hesitantly, “You coped when you became Head at her age. I was there, remember, even if I was only sixteen. Maybe she’s just not ready.”

Hearing spoken out loud the words she had been thinking in the chapel, Hilda gazed at Nancy for a long, long moment and then let her head fall back and closed her eyes with a sigh. “You didn’t see behind the scenes, Nancy. I found it very hard, especially before you came, when Élise was first taken ill. But you’re right – I coped, because I had no choice. And I had the best of help. I had Nell.”

She stopped and swallowed. When she spoke again, she sounded suddenly, to Nancy, desperately sad and totally defeated. “But, Nancy, if she is not ready then either I must change my mind and choose another successor to Nell – or I must delay my retirement until she is ready, and my dream must wait.”

#374: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 9:35 pm

MaryR wrote:

““But Nancy, she knows you love her, just as she knows I have every confidence in her......”

Nancy shook her head and bravely looked up. “She may doubt my love just at the moment. I threw her out of my office.” She saw Hilda’s eyes widen slightly in shock.

Very difficult situation for Nancy, to be 'boss' over Kathie, and to have to act the role right now when Kathie is so upset by her own jealousy. The quote above underlines how firm Nancy feels about this. Right now, it feels like an impossibly sad situation for everyone- they're all being torn apart. I wonder what Gwynneth will find to say to Hilda when she comes back?

Thanks, Mary.

ETA: And for Hilda to consider giving up her dream- no! That shows how seriously she takes Kathie's behaviour, and her own responsibility to the school. But I'm trusting you to find a way out of this situation without that happening.

Last edited by Nicola on Wed Oct 19, 2005 9:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

#375: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 9:38 pm

Oh dear, talk about both Nancy and Hilda dodging around the real reason behind Kathie's behaviour - *what* a tangle!

Of course, Hilda probably hasn't realised it yet - but even if/when she does, we may be pretty sure that we will see a display of her famed tempering of justice with mercy - that gentle approach so advocated by the Mother Abbess.

Bless Nancy, she may be angered by Kathie's treatment of Hilda but treating her more gently at this point would really pay off - each time she 'flares out' at Kathie, she reinforces not only the latter's jealousy but her feeling of isolation at a time when she most needs help.

Meantime, the whole situation is exhausting Hilda and causing her to wonder if she has made some premature decisions. Please let some of this be resolved before she collapses again, Mary.

#376: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:00 pm

Just want to hug all of them. I can understand Nancy's reaction - as far as she's concerned the fact that she loves Kathie should be enough, and she's furious that Kathie has treatred Hilda so badly, especially when she knows how terribly Hilda is still affected by Nell's death.

Unfortunately her attitude will be reinforcing Kathie's fears.

What a tangled web indeed.

Thanks Mary - look after Hilda won't you?

#377: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:10 pm

As Lesley said - a tangled web Sad

Thanks Mary

Liz

#378: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:34 pm

Terribly tangled indeed with each of them revealing a partial awareness of what is happening and why. Perhaps they are so close to the situation that they each need to step back and hand it to someone else, if the right person can be found.

#379: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:12 am

Its so sad for them all.
Mary this is just fabulous.
Its so nice to have it back.
Thank you.

#380: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:06 am

Quote:

“You didn’t see behind the scenes, Nancy. I found it very hard, especially before you came, when Élise was first taken ill. But you’re right – I coped, because I had no choice. And I had the best of help. I had Nell.”

Yes - Hilda had Nell, just as Kathie will now need Nancy more than ever. I do hope Nancy will have the insight to realise this. Love and support is what she needs - even while she is hurting her friends with her own reaction to her jealousy and pain.

Hilda is, as we all know, a very special person, but she just went up yet further in my estimation as she postponed her own much needed rest for another 10 minutes to support Nancy.

Thank you Mary - this is wonderful.

#381: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 10:54 am

Thank you Mary. Very tangled indeed maybe they do need another person's perspective but I can't see any of them wanting to involve another person.

#382: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 12:59 pm

Hilda is very special, and to consider postponing her own dream...I wonder what Mother Abess would adivse her on that.
It is a difficult situation as every thing they do is going to alienate Kathie even further. As heads they cannot allow her to speak like that, as friends they must understand and try to help.
Hilda, can't see the jealousy and while Nancy may, she can't tell Hilda as that would then deny Hilda her help.
Argh, so tangled, and so human.

#383: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:33 pm

Lesley wrote:

Thanks Mary - look after Hilda won't you?

With the help of others, Lesley. Promise! Wink

Having seen Nancy off the premises, a Nancy almost in tears at Hilda’s sadness, Hilda slowly made her way to her room. Matey, who had been patiently waiting, took one look at her face and sprang to her feet, almost shoving Hilda into the vacated chair. She pushed a footstool under her feet, removed her shoes and slipped a cushion behind her head. Then she seated herself on the footstool in front of Hilda and spoke sharply.

“Talk! You look dreadful.” When Hilda simply shook her head and closed her eyes, Matey asked, a little more gently, “Is it Nancy? Has she upset you?”

That made Hilda open her eyes and even smile a little. “Nancy? Upset me? Gwynneth, she wouldn’t know how! She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.”

“Kathie! The little.....!” thought Matey , surprising herself with her corrosive anger. How dare she hurt two such fine people as Hilda and Nancy? Taking hold of herself, she queried without much hope, “Want to talk about it?”

Hilda shook her head again. “I can’t, Gwynneth, much as I would like some reassurance. But please,” and her voice wobbled in spite of herself. “Please, pray that everything I had planned for the school will work out. I’m worried.”

And upset, thought Matey, as she stared at Hilda’s taut, tense face. She realised that, sorely puzzled and distressed as Hilda was, she had no idea as yet of the source of the trouble. Then the fat really would be in the fire, reflected Matey.

What none of them realised was that Hilda could have coped with the truth far better than with her own uncertainty. It might have made her withdraw from one of her sources of comfort, but it would have alleviated her doubts about Kathie’s capabilities and her sadness over perhaps having to delay her own new dream.

Matey rose to her feet and placed the tray of food gently on Hilda’s lap, only to see a look almost of revulsion cross her face at the sight of it. Quickly, Matey removed everything except the soup. “At least eat that. You’ll make yourself ill if you’re not careful, and I’m too busy to spare time to look after a grown woman who should know better,” she said tartly, and got her reward as another small smile curved Hilda’s lips. She watched her pick up the spoon and added, “I’ll be back shortly and I want that bowl clean!”

Returning in short order, she saw that half the soup had gone and Hilda’s cheeks now held a vestige of colour. Putting down the two glasses she was holding, she pulled the cork from the bottle in her other hand and placed a glass of red wine on the tray. “Here! This might add a little more colour to those wan cheeks of yours.”

Hilda picked up the glass, raised it in salute to Matey and then drank half of it in one go, almost causing Matey to drop her own glass in shock. “Boy, you are in a bad way! Go easy, love.”

“Why?” asked Hilda, almost grumpily. “Everyone else seems to be acting totally out of character. Maybe it’s time for me to join them.” Matey wisely kept her mouth shut and merely refilled the glass. Hilda downed that as well, while eating the stewed fruit and cream, at Matey’s insistence.

She still looked weary and defeated as she staggered to her feet and seemed almost to welcome Matey’s help in undressing and getting into bed, which was totally alien to her very private nature and concerned Matey greatly. She stared down at Hilda as she curled up, and caught an expression of utter hopelessness fleetingly cross her Head’s face. Bending down, she planted a rare kiss on her forehead.

“Try to sleep, love, and if you need me.....well, you know I’ll listen.”

Squeezing Matey’s hand, Hilda merely nodded and closed her eyes. Matey silently left the room. As she lay there in the dark, wondering what to do, trying to regain some of the assurance she had found earlier in the chapel, Hilda’s loneliness suddenly gathered up all its force and hurled her to the depths. Emptiness engulfed her and became a physical pain.

“Oh Nell, where are you?” she choked out. “I need you right this minute, dear one. I need some help, because I really don’t know what to do or who to turn to for advice. Nancy can’t help me on this. How can I be patient when.....?”

Tears overwhelmed her and burying her face in the pillow she quietly sobbed out her misery – only to find loving arms wrapped round her, a low voice exhorting her to let it all out. Matey had not gone far after all.......

#384: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:38 pm

Oh bless Gwynneth, just when she was needed. And, tragically, here the truth would be better than people trying to shield her, that just makes matters worse.

((((Hilda)))) and ((((Mary))))

#385: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:18 pm

Oh Mary, this is a terribly sad bit tonight, I'm sniffling away into my keyboard. Poor Hilda, doubting her own decisions, in the dark about the true cause of Kathie's behaviour. Gwynneth is just perfect though.

Thank you.

ETA : I've just reread this at a more leisurely pace, and you made me laugh out loud with the section below. Quietly extremely funny.

Quote:

Hilda picked up the glass, raised it in salute to Matey and then drank half of it in one go, almost causing Matey to drop her own glass in shock. “Boy, you are in a bad way! Go easy, love.”

“Why?” asked Hilda, almost grumpily. “Everyone else seems to be acting totally out of character. Maybe it’s time for me to join them.” Matey wisely kept her mouth shut and merely refilled the glass. Hilda downed that as well,

No hangovers, I hope.

Last edited by Nicola on Fri Oct 21, 2005 10:28 am; edited 2 times in total

#386: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:41 pm

I agree. At this point, it would be far better for Hilda to know just *what* is behind Kathie's attitude. At least it would remove her doubts about the future and help her peace of mind.

Knowing her, too,I would not put it past her to really temper justice with mercy and endeavour to overcome Kathie's jealousy by allowing her to become one of that 'closer' band of her comforters. A far-fetched solution? Not for Hilda.

I also suspect that Gwynneth has more than a sneaking suspicion of the truth and might pre-empt things by tackling Kathie herself, rather than run the risk of Hilda making herself ill over it.

Thank goodness she was there when the dam finally broke.

Please, Mary, untangle this web before too long.

#387: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:42 pm

Ph, that is so sad. I am glad Matey is there for her. Maybe she is the person who can get through to Kathie as well.

#388: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:43 pm

Thanks Mary *hugs*

#389: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 10:53 pm

a further tangling - thanks Mary

Liz

#390: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:14 am

Oh Mary, that was sad - for all of them. Truth is necessary here, but who will speak out?

#391: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:52 am

I think I'm glad Matey 'knows' hopefully she is that person just far enough removed to take steps...

Thank you Mary.

#392: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 11:15 am

Very very sad. Crying or Very sad

Mary, you have captured the loneliness and emptiness so well, I could feel it myself as I read.

Kathie is one of my favourite CS characters, but I want to bang her head against a wall just now to make her see just how much she is hurting Nancy and especially Hilda!

#393: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:57 pm

........Tears overwhelmed her and burying her face in the pillow she quietly sobbed out her misery – only to find loving arms wrapped round her, a low voice exhorting her to let it all out. Matey had not gone far after all.......

She clung to Matey for a short while and let herself be comforted, but then reminded herself sharply that she was the Headmistress, that no one else could resolve this for her. She pulled away, blew her nose and promised to be good! But Matey merely bared her teeth at her and took possession of one slim hand.

“I’m staying until you fall asleep, so be quick about it!” she said sternly, though her loving eyes belied the tone of voice. “You may be Head, but you still need bossing around occasionally!”

The familiar astringent tone of voice, more even than the loving eyes, gave Hilda a temporary feeling of safety and sanity, and she snuggled down, gave the woman beside her a sleepy smile and let her eyes close.....

........to find herself swaying gently, the sound of water lapping all around her, heat lying softly on her skin. Opening her eyes she looked straight into a familiar beloved face. Open-mouthed, she gazed around her.....a gondola.....Venice......the cruise!

She realised her hand was trailing languidly in the cold water, and Nell, attired in a floating lilac sundress that emphasised her golden tan, was laughing at her gently. Hilda felt her heart turn over at the love in that smile - they were having such a good time on this holiday that she almost didn’t want it to end. She reached out her wet hand to clasp Nell’s, but as the latter felt the coolness, her eyes grew intent and her face sober.

Nell opened her mouth to speak but, as she did so, everything went black. The movement of the water stopped, the heat cooled, in the distance a very faint red light flickered and Hilda could smell incense once more. The voice she then heard was the rich contralto of her dreams. “Hilda, dear heart, I am still near you, not just in this chapel but wherever you are, wherever you go. I’m still listening to you, still cherishing you, still wishing you could once more feel my arms round you when you are sad or lonely, as you are tonight.”

The crisp contralto continued, bringing warmth into that darkness that had fallen. “My dearest love, you must trust yourself. As I’ve already told you, you never really needed me to help you make decisions. You always knew your own mind. I only ever rubber-stamped your decisions, or played devil’s advocate. And just lately, despite your sudden lack of confidence, you’ve risen to every challenge, faced down every problem, become more even than you were before. Kathie is just another challenge.” There was a pause, and then the voice said very strongly, “ I promise you, we did not make a mistake. ”

Hilda shook her head at that and opened her mouth to speak, when suddenly the red flickering sanctuary lamp grew brighter and steadier, and she saw Nell sitting in the pew beside her. Nell leaned forward and with a tender hand stroked the anxious frown between Hilda’s beseeching eyes, eyes that were desperate for help.

Nell spoke with the utmost gentleness. “You don’t need my help, love. You will sort it all out by yourself in the end, get to the bottom of it. Just remember those feelings you had in the chapel tonight. Trust them, trust me, trust yourself. Be patient and loving, as only you know how, and all will be well.”

She paused and looked into Hilda’s distressed face, then added very softly, knowing she was going to hurt this precious woman deeply as she brought up the past. “Remember James....his mother.....the way she hurt you with her coldness, her antagonism..... Your patience and love were rewarded then. Just be yourself, sweetheart, as you were then, long before I ever knew you....”

Without warning the scene changed – she was in another boat, a punt, spires and turrets and smooth green lawns all around her, and it was James, her fiancé, who was with her, standing at the back of the punt, a long pole in his hand....

For those of you who haven’t read it, I introduced Hilda’s fiancé James in my very short drabble, A Future and a Hope, which can be found in the archives. And you can find out about the cruise in Turning the Tables, also in the archives.

#394: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 7:18 pm

Memories and the reassurance she needs beautifully intertwined.

Thank you Mary

Liz

#395: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 11:58 pm

"To sleep, perchance to dream" indeed, but what lovely memories are evoked in these dreams. And what a wonderful reinforcement from Nell that appointing Kathie to the headship is neither a mistake, nor premature, regardless of what she is wondering at this minute. Surely Hilda will awaken feeling at peace and reassured.

Thanks Mary

#396: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 9:10 am

Thank you Mary. After this hopefully Hilda will awake ready to face the next challenge and get to the bottom of it.

#397: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 11:45 am

Oh, Mary, what lovely memories to come at a point where she needs them; Nell and James both there for her. And how reassuring of Nell to reinforce the decision with regard to Kathie. Perhaps Kathie will be able to learn from this time of jealousy and confusion that she needs to develop patience and trust, and will be able to use what she learns here as part of her own development.

Sleep well Hilda!

#398: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 2:33 pm

Just what Hilda needs at this time.

Thanks Mary.

#399: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 5:35 pm

MaryR wrote:

The voice she then heard was the rich contralto of her dreams. “Hilda, dear heart, I am still near you, not just in this chapel but wherever you are, wherever you go. I’m still listening to you, still cherishing you, still wishing you could once more feel my arms round you when you are sad or lonely, as you are tonight.”

And that's so accurate. Dreams and memories might evoke the sight, sound, smell of the beloved, but nothing in this world will replace the feeling of being held.

It's wonderful that Nell can provide Hilda with this reassurance that she is still capable of making the right decisions, and that Kathie is a worthy successor.

And are we going to find out more about James?

Thanks, Mary.

#400: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 8:22 pm

......Without warning the scene changed – she was in another boat, a punt, spires and turrets and smooth green lawns all around her, and it was James, her fiancé, who was with her, standing at the back of the punt, a long pole in his hand....

His shock of black hair was blowing in the breeze, his merry hazel eyes were wrapping her in love, but despair caught her by the throat. They had come to Oxford for a last weekend together before he sailed off to India, and sadness was weighing her down. How could she bear to be without him? For James had refused to marry her, or let her come with him, even though she too was now offering herself to the missionary field, until he had been out to see whether India would tax her too much, for he knew she was not physically strong.

“Don’t, my darling one, please don’t!” he pleaded softly at the gathering sadness in her sensitive face. Glancing behind, he saw they were near the boat hire place. Quickly he worked the pole, and soon he was lifting her off the boat and she found herself seated on the grass, almost hidden beneath a large, graceful weeping willow. How appropriate, she reflected bitterly.

James knelt in front of her and cupped her face between his hands, his hazel eyes alight with his deep love for this slender woman who was so gentle and serene, yet glowed with integrity and intelligence. He had been blessed indeed, to have his heart held and made whole by such a steadfast, faithful spirit.

“Dear love, it’s my job to take care of you.” His voice was so exquisitely tender that tears flooded her eyes. “Shh, Hilda, dear heart, I must know you will be safe out there, for I couldn't bear to lose you. I’ll return very soon, I promise....”

He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a tiny jeweller’s box, placing it in her hand. She looked down, puzzled, then slowly opened it. Inside was a plain gold band. He took it out of the box and pushed it very gently on her ring finger, beside her engagement ring - only for Hilda’s scalding tears to rain down on their joined hands, making the ring gleam brightly. Groaning, he settled beside her, his back to the tree trunk, and pulled her close. She nestled there, her damp cheek against his smooth one.

“It was my grandmother’s wedding ring,” he whispered, and at that she quickly looked up and stared.

“But your mother....” she gasped. He pulled her close again, this time her cheek against his heart, his lips on her soft brown hair.

“Yes, my mother, who has hated you with a passion I have never seen in her before,” he sighed. “She has been unbearable, hasn’t she, for the years of our engagement? As my friend, while we were at university, she could accept you, love you even, but as my fiancé.....” He shook his head. “She just couldn’t accept a modern woman, and an Oxford graduate to boot, one who said what she thought, without fear or favour.”

But it had been more than that. As he held her closer, she remembered how his mother had changed, the day they had announced their engagement. She had wanted James to marry a girl like her own daughter, quiet, biddable, happy with their life lived in the best social circles, making calls on the right people and being seen at the right places, a girl who had made her debut at the palace, but was still happy to live at home and dance to her mother’s whims.

His mother had also wished very fervently that the woman he chose to marry would convince him to stay at home and become a fashionable doctor, join the élite of society. She had never understood his burning missionary zeal – and hated Hilda for spurring him on, hated her even more when she had announced her own desire to give her life to the missions.

All Hilda had longed for had been the love of a woman who could have been a second mother to her, making up for the loss of her own so early in life. James, who knew exactly how she had felt, and had sorrowed for her, now spoke quietly into her hair. “She couldn’t accept your warmth, your humour, your patience, your gentleness, which you showed even in the face of her coldness and lack of generosity. But you have reaped your reward at long last, my darling, if you are willing to forgive her. She has capitulated totally.....asks that you go and see her while I am gone. She tells me she can no longer hold out against your sweet nature and kindness.”

He touched the ring gently. “When I went to say goodbye, she gave me this. Her mother, my grandmother, gave it to her as she lay dying, saying she wanted my wife to wear it. My gran and I were very fond of each other, but I didn’t know she had done that, mother never told me.”

She looked up at him, the tears once more flooding her eyes, as he whispered, “Mother asks...... for your forgiveness...... and says ...... will you let me place this on your finger when we wed. She says to tell you.... my grandmother would have loved you, and would have found you good beyond the common measure, much like herself.” He cupped her face once more in his gentle hands and his soft lips caught hers as her tears flowed warmly over his hands, her joy and her sorrow intermingled....

.......and as his kiss deepened she heard Nell’s voice again, now as soft and as tender as she had ever heard it. “You see, dear girl, as always your patience and gentleness and courage won through. I’m sorry to remind you of your lost love, but James’ mother was such an example of how your grace and strength, your exquisite sympathy for people, win over the hardest of hearts in the end. As will happen this time.....not immediately, maybe, but you will find a way, even at the cost of more pain. Just be your usual loving, generous self, sweetheart, don’t condemn Kathie, but don’t let her get away with anything either. I know that soft-heartedness of yours far too well!”

#401: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 8:41 pm

Oh Mary, these last few posts have been quite telling. I'm sure that Hilda will be hurt by these dream memories coming back to be with her, just as much as she needed them, especially the one including Nell.

Thanks for letting us see more closely what happened with James, so bittersweet with the knowledge of what is to come. Oh and Mary, please may these comfort her rather than torture her when she wakes up!

#402: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 9:26 pm

Listen to her, Hilda, and believe in yourself.

Thanks Mary, worth waiting for.

#403: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 9:45 pm

That whole dream, with James was so telling, Mary, but especially the last sentence when it was back to Nell and Nell's insistence that once again, in dealing with Kathie, she must believe in herself. Again, encouraging Hilda to continue her famed path of tempering justice with mercy, rather than confrontation.

Thank you for this.

#404: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 9:47 pm

I'm sorry I don't post here very often Mary. I read it every time you post, and I'm enjoying it so much.

#405: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 10:16 pm

What a fascinating and moving chunk of Hilda's back story, Mary. It explains so much about how she's chosen to live her life since losing James. Trust Hilda to win over James' mother in the end!

Thank you.

#406: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 10:54 pm

Thank you Mary - just caught up on two posts after a busy weekend away from the PC!

Lovely and interesting dream sequence; thank you for filling in some of James's story. I hope Hilda feels strengthened when she wakes.

#407: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:33 am

This was so lovely and so compelling. Such a wonderful intertwining of the love that Hilda has been given in her life by both James and Nell, with each of them appreciating and commenting on the warmth and integrity of her nature, and the way in which those qualities affect the course that she takes.

Just gorgeous, Mary!!

#408: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:51 am

Just caught up on the last week of posts. Very powerfully written! The emotions are strong enough to taste, and all too believable. Nell’s presence is again palpable – though it’s interesting that Hilda sees her as “[refusing] to get worked up about things,” as I tend to think of her as more volatile than Hilda. I do love her scenes, though, and think her advice to Hilda is spot on, if challenging in the extreme. But poor Kathie -- wrong as she is, I feel horribly sorry for her.

*adds a sniffle over James*

#409: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:52 am

Thank you Mary.

#410: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 1:03 pm

Such sad memories Crying or Very sad

Thank you Mary

Liz

#411: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:49 pm

Thank you for all the appreciative comments, but will the dream help Hilda to deal faithfully with Kathie?

When Kathie entered Hilda’s Study the next afternoon fearing the worst, she found only gentleness and calm. As she crept across to the desk she felt Hilda scrutinising her, but when she returned the look she discovered the dark shadows under Hilda’s eyes and felt guilty. She knew she was the one who had put them there, though her guilt did not do much to soften her coldness towards the woman she blamed for Nancy’s continuing anger and for her own mixed-up feelings.

Sitting apparently relaxed and at ease, Hilda continued to watch her as she reached the desk, and Kathie knew she had to be the first to speak. “Hilda...” She cleared her throat and tried again. “Hilda, I’m sorry for yesterday. You had every right to be angry. I was unforgivably rude. It won’t happen again.”

“Can you be certain of that, Kathie?” Hilda’s eyes were calm, her voice quiet, but Kathie heard the steel. “You seem very upset over things you think I have done. Nothing has changed, as far as I am aware, so how can I be sure that you won’t react in the same way again if I put the same question I put to you yesterday?”

Her face and voice gave no indication of the disquiet she was feeling at Kathie’s still quite obvious lack of warmth towards her – and Kathie was normally such a warm person. Kathie swallowed. Hilda was not making this easy for her. But then, why should she? The deputy head knew she had brought all this on herself.

“I’ve come to say that I would like to do the play – and I would like Vivien to join me, if she is still willing.” She spoke softly, her cheeks blushing hotly under Hilda’s assessing gaze.

Suddenly Hilda stood and moved round the desk. “Come and sit down, my dear,” she said gently and drew her to the settee near the stove, as she had Nancy the evening before. She turned to face Kathie, but the latter kept her face down. “As far as I know, Vivien is looking forward to it, because she has heard what a good producer you are. Your fame goes before you, Kathie,” she said pleasantly, but still Kathie would not look at her.

After a moment of stillness, Hilda put a finger under Kathie’s chin and gently lifted her head so the younger woman had to look at her. “Kathie, my dear, can’t you tell me what’s wrong?” she asked, her low voice very sweet.

Kathie looked up into the compassionate, intuitive eyes and felt a terrible yearning to pour it all out – but that would be disastrous! You don’t tell your Headmistress that you are jealous of her and hate her because she is taking all your lover’s attention! Not if you want to keep your job anyway, reflected Kathie.

Had Kathie but realised it, that would have been the best thing she could have done – because it would have drawn the poison out of her, and would have given Hilda such ease that she would have gone out of her way to help. Now Kathie simply shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s all catching up with me.” She realised, even as she said it, that it was a pretty poor excuse for her angry words to Hilda the day before.

“My dear, if that’s the case, why take on the play? Why not take this chance to give it up?” Hilda’s voice was still soft, but absolutely remorseless now. She was remembering Nell’s words in her dream. Soft-heartedness would not work here.

“Because.....oh, I don’t know. Maybe I want to go out in a blaze of glory!” she suddenly burst out, and knew that the real reason was simply to be contrary. She felt she had to defy Hilda, like a rebellious child.

“But at the end of the day, Kathie, it is not your glory, because it is not your play.” Hilda’s sanity and clear thinking were beginning to make Kathie very angry. Hilda was once again fearlessly speaking the truth as she saw it, as no one else would dare, but it was not helping Kathie at all.

And then Hilda took away all her remaining props, and yet still in that oh, so gentle voice. “Kathie, dear, are you sure you are ready to be Headmistress? Have I made a mistake and put too much pressure on you, forced you to go where perhaps you are not able to go just yet?”

Kathie stared at her, eyes stricken, lips open in a silent gasp, ice water suddenly trickling through her veins. Hilda looked back at her without a flicker, her eyes steady, no condemnation in them at all, but Kathie began to feel like an insect impaled on a pin, laid totally bare, nowhere to hide.

This woman never gave up getting under one’s skin, bringing out into the light one’s true motives, and she did it all so gently yet so implacably. Kathie knew with certainty that no matter how long she was Head – if she became Head! – she would never have Hilda’s courage or Hilda’s deep perception and sensitivity.

For a moment she was deeply humble before this loving and generous woman, and again came the longing to pour out all her emotions, but then suddenly a new surge of jealousy shot through her. This woman had everything – and now she wanted Nancy’s love.

Kathie’s head shot up and she stared back angrily into Hilda’s gentle eyes. “Yes, I’m ready,” she said, the simmering rage barely suppressed, and she saw the withdrawal in those eyes. “I’ve still a lot to learn, but as you yourself admitted, you were only my age when you became Head.”

Hilda heard the underlying message, “If you could do it, I certainly can,” and felt her composure faltering as her heart sank. But she remembered her thoughts in the chapel, reminded herself of Nell’s words, of James’ mother, and held onto her patience as she rose abruptly to her feet.

“Very well, Kathie, I’ll leave this discussion there for the moment.” Her eyes were still calm, but Kathie, rising to her own feet, could hear a definite edge in the musical voice. “I have some things to do in the Annexe so I’ll send Vivien to you here and you may have the room for the next hour,” and she swept out gracefully, her head held high, but dismay and anxiety filling her heart.

She almost felt like screaming at Kathie, but she knew there was some mystery here, something she was not being told, and emotion would not bring her one step closer to discovering the truth. Logic told her that only patience and understanding would uncover it for her. So, patient and gentle she would be, as she had been so long ago with James’ mother.

#412: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:07 pm

Oh Kathie- why didn't you take that chance? DONT spoil everything for yourself and the others by not admitting to your jealousy.

Hilda - you handled this superbly - don't fault yourself.

Mary, you had me on the edge of my seat here!

#413: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:36 pm

Oh poor Kathie. Poor mixed up little girl. Ok, I admit it, I'm younger than she is, but right now she's something like 5 emotionally, and while it seems that she has some rational thought, she has lost her trust.

The outworkings of the jealosy she has hidden deep within her. Oh if only she would tell Hilda, that would help them both, for Hilda would understand, and she would feel better if she could but confess it.

I'm sorry it's going to be such a difficult way for both of them. Thanks Mary.

#414: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 9:12 pm

I was another one on the edge of my seat! In fact I was so absorbed whilst reading this instalment that Tim crept up behind me and grabbed me and I nearly hit the roof! Laughing

(He had been very amused at the look of rapt attention on my face and said I was asking to be made jump Wink

)

Lots of bits to quote but I will restrain myself to two:

Quote:

You don’t tell your Headmistress that you are jealous of her and hate her because she is taking all your lover’s attention! Not if you want to keep your job anyway, reflected Kathie.

That part made me chuckle - of course, she should have told Hilda the truth, but I admit I wouldn't have wanted to either - if it had been me in the hotseat!

Quote:

And then Hilda took away all her remaining props, and yet still in that oh, so gentle voice. “Kathie, dear, are you sure you are ready to be Headmistress? Have I made a mistake and put too much pressure on you, forced you to go where perhaps you are not able to go just yet?”

Oh, that gentle voice! Smile

This was the part where I shuffled even closer to the edge of my seat - bracing myself for Kathie's reaction!

Thank you Mary - I am feeling as confident as I can that this whole sorry situation will be sorted out somehow in the end.... don't let us down, will you? Wink

#415: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:41 pm

Congratulations Hilda, perfectly handled - but oh so difficult! She must want to shake Kathie.

Hope Kathie can see past her jealousy she that Hilda wants only to help, before Kathie's relationship with Nancy is completely wrecked.

Thanks Mary.

#416: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:29 pm

MaryR wrote:

She almost felt like screaming at Kathie

Maybe that would help - it would give Kathie a huge shock for a start - and if they had a proper slanging match then maybe everything would come out into the open and could be dealt with. But I guess that's not her way.

Thanks Mary

Liz

#417: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 12:07 am

The tension was palpable here Mary and I am so sorry for both of them. I don' t think screaming would help, though, as then they would both get so caught up in the anger that they would lose focus on one another. I agree with the essentially young nature of Kathie's response - emotionally, she's crawled under her bed and won't come out! The trouble is that fear is distorting her essentially warm nature, and blocking her imagination and compassion.
Hang on to your patience Hilda!
And I loved the comment about Kathie feeling like an insect!

#418: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:18 am

Oh Kathie - you shouldhave taken the opportunity (though actually I wouldn't either)...I hope something happens soon.

Thank you Mary.

#419: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:45 pm

MaryR wrote:

Kathie began to feel like an insect impaled on a pin, laid totally bare, nowhere to hide.

Oh, I feel for Kathie here. I really can identify with that tactic- knowing how bad your own behaviour is, but unable to bring yourself to confide, because you fear the other person's reaction. Beautiful writing, Mary, so subtly done, that we share the feelings of them both. Thank you. Please resolve it soon!

#420: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:37 pm

I thought we would have a change from all that angst. Shocked

Hilda and I hope you enjoy this bit of whimsy. She did. Wink

Hilda’s thoughts that night had been no more pleasant than the night before, though Matey’s love had eased her a little then. The dream had reminded her how much she had been loved in her life by two magnificent people, and had bolstered her courage, but she still woke up from a restless night, exhausted and depressed, with a longing for Nell that was almost a physical ache.

However, she presented her usual calm, smiling demeanour at Früstück and Prayers. Teaching all morning, she had no occasion to return to her Study and only had the time to drop her books off in Rosalie’s office while listening to her messages, before she and Rosalie made their way to the Speisesaal for Mitagessen. She had invited the Staff for coffee in her Salon after that and then Matron decided, for some quixotic reason of her own, that Hilda really ought to visit some of the patients in the school San. Puzzled, but perfectly amenable, despite the thousand and one tasks awaiting her, she made her way there and chatted for a few moments to each recovering patient.

It was finally nearly fifteen o’clock before she opened her Study door........only to stand stock still on the threshold, absolutely mesmerised. Her Study was no longer a simple study.

Clouds of pastel-coloured butterflies danced from the ceiling almost to the floor; rainbow-hued birds of all shapes and sizes swooped through the air, perched on furniture, clung to walls and even sat on her correspondence; golden coloured cats appeared to be peeping in the windows, their whiskers gleaming. One even peered at her over the top of her chair. The artistry was superb, exquisite, breathtaking.

Slowly walking into the room, she set the butterflies dancing on their slender threads, touched the birds with gentle fingers, stroked the long whiskers of the golden cats, hardly daring to breathe. How could such beauty be brought out of such an ordinary, everyday item as paper? For paper they all were, every figure intricately and delicately folded and balanced, but still paper....

A lover of beauty in all its many guises, this sumptuous feast reached into her aching heart and comforted and enthralled. It lifted her mood until she almost felt like dancing with those butterflies, darting and swooping with those birds, and the joy that had somehow been dampened down the last few days surged back up again to catch in her throat.

And she knew exactly who had conjured up this fascinating feast for the eyes. Tip toeing to the inner door, where more butterflies spiralled, she peered through – to meet Rosalie’s sparkling eyes looking straight into hers. They grinned at each other. “Vivien, right?” breathed Hilda, and Rosalie nodded. “And who helped her?” Rosalie shrugged, her eyes dancing, her grin widening.

“Too many secrets around here!” muttered Hilda and went back into her room to study the timetable on her wall, gently stroking the bird perched there as she did so. Looking at her watch, she nodded and left the Study, to make her way over to the laboratories, where she skulked outside near the door, arms folded, leaning back against the wall, seeing again those clouds of dancing butterflies.....

As the bell went for Kaffee and Kuchen the girls streamed out of the room in a laughing throng, chattering happily and scarcely noticing their Headmistress as she watched. But Vivien noticed, as she came out trying to balance a pile of books and papers in her arms. She stopped at the sight of her Head leaning nonchalantly against the wall. “Oh!” she murmured, and then, at the grin on Hilda’s face, “Ah!”

“Ah, indeed, Miss Knowles,” smiled Hilda. “My Study! Now!” and she turned and led the way, leaving Vivien to stagger along behind with her untidy pile, which was in imminent danger of toppling to the floor.

Suddenly Vivien herself grinned. “Er, please, Miss Annersley, may I be excused a moment?” she asked plaintively

“You have five minutes, Miss Knowles, and not a second more,” floated back the answer as Hilda continued to stalk back to her room.

#421: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:20 pm

How lovely! Thanks Mary, such a nice contrast! Smile

#422: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:40 pm

Picture me grinning widely!

Is there no end to Vivien's talents? Shocked

Thank you Mary. Smile

#423: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:51 pm

Absolutely love Vivien - she's so exactly what Hilda needs.

Thanks Mary.

(Would love those butterflies and cats)

#424: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:22 pm

What an amazing amount of work and effort must have gone into that!

Thank you Mary

Liz

#425: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:36 pm

Poor Kathie. Very realistic, the way her feelings build and recede in waves. I imagine she'll be hating herself very thoroughly between times ....

I'm not so sure Hilda is completely at sea about what's wrong -- but think she's right in waiting for Kathie to face things at least enough to discuss matters. Most astute, using the idea that a co-head won't have time for dramatic productions.

Thank you Mary. Likewise for the very cheering origami and the conspirators behind it.

*wonders if there are peace cranes to spare for the warring parties*. Star Wars

#426: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:22 am

What a striking oasis of peace and beauty, and such a contrast to the last couple of episodes.

Hilda can't fail to appreciate the butterflies and cats - and the caring which lies behind their manufacture! Vivien does have a knack for unusual gestures - but as a full time teacher, when did she ever find time to produce so much origami?

Thanks, Mary for such a vivid example of that 'still, small voice of calm' - and for allowing Vivien to create so many beautiful things. (OK, I know my metaphors are appallingly mixed in this, but I'm sure you all know what I mean!)

Last edited by Elder in Ontario on Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:45 am; edited 1 time in total

#427: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:22 am

Oh how joyous!! What a lovely, perfect gesture. And how soothing and heart-warming after that terrible encounter with Kathie. Just what Hilda needed; Vivien and Matey are very bright!

Can Vivien come to my house please? Very Happy

#428: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:32 am

Oh fantastic Mary - that was just beautiful.

Hilda needed a distraction from pain, and Vivien was able to give it to her in a most orriginal way. Most interested to see how Hilda will deal with this, seeing as it's out of the ordinary run.

In some ways I can imagine that when Hilda is sad another time, the sight of her office and room will give a lift to her spirits because of the memory of the surprise that Vivien has given her.

Thankyou for a perfect way of lifting the spirits - this has to go down as one of your most memorable 'funny' scenes, along with the gypsy and other bits.

#429: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:34 am

Elder in Ontario wrote:

Vivien does have a knack for unusual gestures - but as a full time teacher, when did she ever find time to produce so much origami?
)

Patience, Elder, and all will be revealed! Laughing

Thank you all for the lovely comments, but I just hope I have managed to make you see the image I had in my mind for Hilda - it is so hard to create a scene of magical beauty out of mere words. Crying or Very sad

#430: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:51 am

"It's only words, and words are all I have..."

...but it's the way you use them. And you use them so well.

Thank you for this drabble - it's superb. I only found it a couple of weeks ago and read the whole lot in a week in the evenings after work. By the weekend I was exhausted - I can't imagine the effort it must have taken to write! All I can say is, if you're even half as good a teacher as you are a writer, I really envy your students.

Thanks.

(And you may tell Hilda not to blame me for the grammar [or lack thereof] in the above quotation!)

#431: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 10:05 am

*big grin*

Thank you Mary.

#432: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 11:37 am

I haven't commented much latey but I have been keeping up to date. The last but one scene with Kathie in Hilda's office was breathtaking...Hilda is firm and gentle at the same time, relentless.

Then the change of mood with this last one was great. I do like Vivian and look forward to seeing how she found the time. It made me think of 1000 paper cranes for some reason.

#433: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:46 pm

What a beautiful interlude amidst all that unhappiness.

Thank you, Mary.

#434: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:22 pm

Suddenly Vivien herself grinned. “Er, please, Miss Annersley, may I be excused a moment?” she asked plaintively

“You have five minutes, Miss Knowles, and not a second more,” floated back the answer as Hilda continued to stalk back to her room.

When Vivien entered the Study a few minutes later, she found Hilda smiling up at the delicate, pastel-coloured butterflies suspended over the settee. She watched as Hilda dreamily reached up to set them dancing, and the smell of coffee hung in the air. As Vivien stood before her, arms behind her back like an errant schoolgirl, Hilda looked at her, a very gentle light in her eyes.

“Vivien, they’re beautiful, exquisite. It was like seeing a miracle when I walked in. But why?” she breathed.

“How did you guess it was me?” asked Vivien, in some surprise.

“It was I,” twinkled Hilda.

“No, it wasn’t, it was I,” contradicted Vivien, laughingly.

“My dear, no one has ever produced anything like this before so logic dictated it must be you,” said Hilda softly, and set the butterflies dancing again. “And I remembered your conjuring tricks. But I ask you again, why?”

Vivien sobered. “There was something in your eyes I didn’t like yesterday, and then again this morning. You hid it well, but you have been unhappy – and very worried.” Hilda just stared at her. Was she letting her emotions show too much? But as though reading her mind, Vivien shook her head. “No, you didn’t give yourself away, don’t worry. But half term taught me a lot about reading you. So I went to Matey. She admitted I was right but, like me, doesn’t know why. So.......” and she waved her arms round the room.

Tears shone in Hilda’s eyes at the tender care being shown. “Vivien, it’s one of the most beautiful surprises I have ever been given in my entire life. Yes, something has been worrying me, but usually I manage to....”

“Usually you manage to hide it. You did today. No one suspected, but like I said, I seem to be able to read the signs sometimes. I’m glad you like it.” She was deeply touched at how appreciative Hilda was and guessed at the deep receptivity to beauty that lay in her Headmistress.

“I love it!” whispered Hilda. “I shan’t ever want to take it down.” She paused to swallow a huge lump in her throat. “Come and sit down and tell me how you did it all.”

“Here, borrow my hankie,” said Vivien suddenly, but as Hilda took the proffered bright yellow handkerchief, another one magically appeared in Vivien’s hand, a bright pink one this time, and as Hilda pulled again, a whole string of them appeared, one after the other, rainbow bright. Hilda gawped, and then looked into Vivien’s teasing eyes as the latter gathered them up.

“I really should know better by now, shouldn’t I?” asked Hilda severely, but her eyes were sparkling with delight. “It’s not the first time you’ve caught me on the hop, Miss Knowles. I remember Lausanne and the gypsy! It was only two weeks ago after all!"

Vivien was gratified to see the pleasure in Hilda’s eyes, eyes that had looked deeply haunted that morning despite her smiles. She saw Hilda suddenly grin as they settled themselves. “So that’s why Gwynneth had the bright idea that I visit her patients! You’re all very sneaky!” she moaned, pouring out the coffee.

#435: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:35 pm

I love Vivian, but how did she find the time to make them all?

#436: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:39 pm

As I told Elder above, Carolyn, patience, patience, patience! Laughing

All will be revealed. As Hilda says, *sneaky* Laughing

and she was more interested in WHY Vivien did it!

#437: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:50 pm

You ought ot know by now that we don't *do* patience on this board Mary!! Like Oliver,we just ask for more!

#438: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:25 pm

As Katya said earlier, Mary, words may be all you have but you certainly do know how to use them!

That is such a simple, sincere explanation from Vivien of why she has done this - and another example of how much she has 'taken' out of that half term holiday. We can see how heartened Hilda is by the gesture and the beauty - she should also take heart from realising that people *can* sense when she is anxious or worried about something, even though they have no idea what is troubling her.

Though the origami itself may not remain in her study for ever, the beauty will remain in her memory for a long, long time.

Echoing Pat's request for 'more, please!'

#439: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:35 pm

Oh that was lovely Mary, the fact that Vivien (among others) was able to sense that she was feeling sad and to conspeire with Matey. Obviously Hlda is feeling bad because of the situation with Kathie (I think), and she really needed that lovely surprise, and the irrepresible Vivien Knowles to bring her out of it.

Thank you.

#440: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 10:14 pm

*wonders if Vivien had a sweatshop of students producing them for her* Wink

Thanks Mary

Liz

#441: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:22 am

Clever, clear-sighted and sensitive, and with a quirky imagination to boot. Hilda is lucky to have Vivien, with her capacity for these loving gestures at a time when things are so difficult for her.
And Vivien is lucky to have been able to forge a friendship with Hilda.

#442: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:15 am

Oh Mary, it's simply beautiful that Hilda should have come across someone like Vivien. Nell's choice was inspired indeed, and it's just as well that Hilda listened to her. She would have missed out on a lot if someone else had been given the job.

The action that Vivien took is lovely, but the meaning behind it, the clear sightedness of the girl, makes it even more beautiful than it was before, and Hilda will have a memory to treasure forever. This is truely beauty coming from the ashes.

You are also showing us the best reason for us having difficulties of our own. While Hilda is in this place, it is incredably unlikely that Vivien would have had half of the understanding that she needs if she had not suffered herself. A much needed reminder for each of us, whether or not we are currantly experiencing difficulties ourselves.

Thanks Mary

#443: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:22 am

Your Vivien is such a character! She's doing Hilda so much good. I like that she's perceptive enough to read the signs in Hilda's demeanour and know something is wrong, even though she knows nothing about the problem. And she clearly had a very misspent youth to have picked up so many useful skills!

Thank you.

#444: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:36 am

That was lovely. Vivian is wonderful!

Thank you Mary!

#445: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:40 pm

For Elder, Carolyn and Pat, who *don't do patience* Laughing

Thank you all for your comments, and here is how it was done. I know Vivien is a magician, but she's not *that* quick. Shocked

......Vivien was gratified to see the pleasure in Hilda’s eyes, eyes that had looked deeply haunted this morning despite her smiles. She saw Hilda suddenly grin as they settled themselves. “So that’s why Gwynneth had the bright idea that I visit her patients! You’re all very sneaky!” she moaned, pouring out the coffee.

Smiling at Vivien across the rim of her cup, she was thinking to herself yet again what an unusually perceptive woman her young colleague was. There were members of Staff who had known her for years and never saw beneath the surface, and it made her feel rather vulnerable, despite her brave words to Mother Abbess about being broken wide open. She would need to watch herself, for it would not do to reveal herself to everyone, although it warmed her heart to be spoilt like this.

Her thoughts veered to Kathie, herself a perceptive person normally, but now so cold and angry, and suddenly her smile faltered and her eyes grew sombre.

“Hilda, don’t!” breathed Vivien, whose sharp eyes had been watching her Headmistress and had seen the delight fade. “Can I help at all?”

Hilda blinked and then her eyes cleared as she looked round the altered Study. She smiled again and said gently, “You already have helped. Where did you learn this exquisite craft?”

“It’s a Japanese custom, called Origami. It’s very easy once one has the knack.”

“But to do so many! When did you find the time?” asked Hilda wonderingly.

Vivien looked at her, eyes glinting with her glee. “You’re not going to believe me! I went back to Matey and explained what I wanted to do but that I needed help. She asked me to teach her, said she would help, because she was worried about you. She’s got very ‘crafty’ fingers, I might tell you – must be all that bandage rolling!”

“Oh, Gwynneth’s got very crafty everything,” retorted Hilda. “She’s the craftiest person on the staff. I’ve known that for a long while.”

Vivien giggled and added, “She roped in all those sixth formers who weren’t busy and they all had a fine time. And then we all sneaked in here while you had coffee and visited the San.”

“As I said, she’s very crafty – and sneaky!” sighed Hilda. “But, Vivien, my dear, you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble......”

“I’d go to a lot more trouble to cheer you up, Hilda Annersley,” said Vivien seriously. “I owe you. And remember, nothing is ever as bad as it seems. I’ve learned that over the years, and I’m quite sure you have, as well. But perhaps you need reminding. Put whatever it is to one side for a day or two, if you can, and the answers might be given. Can you?”

Hilda nodded, and realised suddenly that Vivien was giving her exactly what she had missed so much – someone telling her she was getting worked up, letting things get out of proportion. Nell’s job usually! Her successor seemed to be taking on her mantle in many ways. Nell had chosen well when she had nudged Hilda in the middle of that interview......

“Thank you for reminding me to look at things rationally, Vivien,” she said softly, her eyes growing brighter. “And thank you from the bottom of my heart for this gift of beauty.” She glanced around and then added, “Do you think your cohorts would be willing to help again?” When Vivien nodded, Hilda continued, “Could you move all these to the Salon? There, they can stay up. Here, if I have someone on Head’s report, or a visitor arrives, it’s not really....”

“The done thing?” asked Vivien with an urchin grin.

Hilda nodded but then added quietly, “But leave one cloud of butterflies somewhere in here so I can remember your kindness - and your very timely advice.”

“Consider it done,” said Vivien gently and then leaned forward, and out of Hilda’s jacket pocket she pulled sparkling butterfly after sparkling butterfly after sparkling butterfly, all linked by slender, shining threads of gossamer.......

#446: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:48 pm

MaryR wrote:

Smiling at Vivien across the rim of her cup, she was thinking to herself yet again what an unusually perceptive woman her young colleague was. There were members of Staff who had known her for years and never saw beneath the surface, and it made her feel rather vulnerable, despite her brave words to Mother Abbess about being broken wide open

Well done Vivien for having that insight, and the kindness to act on the feelings she sensed in Hilda. Lovely that Hilda is keeping the butterflies like that as a reminder. And Hilda, whilst grateful, is also so scared by this openness and vulnerability, isn't she? Oh dear, I think she needs another chat with MA.

Thank you, Mary.

#447: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:17 pm

MaryR wrote:

"...And remember, nothing is ever as bad as it seems. I’ve learned that over the years, and I’m quite sure you have, as well. But perhaps you need reminding. Put whatever it is to one side for a day or two, if you can, and the answers might be given. Can you?”

Hilda nodded, and realised suddenly that Vivien was giving her exactly what she had missed so much – someone telling her she was getting worked up, letting things get out of proportion. Nell’s job usually! Her successor seemed to be taking on her mantle in many ways. Nell had chosen well when she had nudged Hilda in the middle of that interview......

Mary, it seems to me that this bit of the exchange is the most stunning of all. Hilda, seeing that she is finally been given something that she has been longing for in Viviens advice and recognising that she is taking on some of Nell's mantle having never met Nell.

And I simply loved both the tale of how Vivien managed to perform this trick, and the way she pulled the butterflies out of Hilda's pocket. Thanks once again for another truely wonderful post.

#448: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:30 pm

Quote:

Vivien looked at her, eyes glinting with her glee. “You’re not going to believe me! I went back to Matey and explained what I wanted to do but that I needed help. She asked me to teach her, said she would help, because she was worried about you. ..... “She roped in all those sixth formers who weren’t busy and they all had a fine time. And then we all sneaked in here while you had coffee and visited the San.”

So that's *that* mystery solved - thanks, Mary! And I'm sure that those 6th formers who were available were delighted to be able to help with this, too.

Quote:

And remember, nothing is ever as bad as it seems. I’ve learned that over the years, and I’m quite sure you have, as well. But perhaps you need reminding. Put whatever it is to one side for a day or two, if you can, and the answers might be given.

Oh boy, Vivien might be young her experience of the Chalet School, but there is nothing young or immature about her sensitivity, or her awareness of Hilda's needs. I hope Hilda will take heed of the advice - and also W.S. Gilbert's maxim that " Cool consideration disentangles every knot" (Sorry, can't remember which opera, but I know the song begins "In a contemplative Fashion.)

Quote:

Nell’s job usually! Her successor seemed to be taking on her mantle in many ways. Nell had chosen well when she had nudged Hilda in the middle of that interview......

And how! Vivien is certainly proving her worth in all areas.

Mary, there were so many lovely things in this post that I just didn't know where to start, and only have time to comment on a couple. Nicola has also hit on a very important factor too - Hilda's vulnerability.

Lovely, lovely, lovely - thank you.

#449: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:43 pm

Oh Mary, that was lovely. How tender of Vivian, and what a worth sucessor to Bill. Very Happy

#450: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:44 pm

Thank you Mary. That was lovely.

#451: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:21 pm

"Vivien was giving her exactly what she had missed so much – someone telling her she was getting worked up, letting things get out of proportion. Nell’s job usually!
...... out of Hilda’s jacket pocket she pulled sparkling butterfly after sparkling butterfly after sparkling butterfly, all linked by slender, shining threads of gossamer......."

The two sides of it isn't it? - the mature advice and also the fun, both of which Nell gave to her so lovingly. And Vivien knew that Hilda would want to keep one cloud of butterflies...

I just love the way Matey is so appreciated in this drabble, and I'm certain that planning and executing this gave both her and Vivien so much happiness. A very joyous interlude indeed and one that will sustain Hilda through much I am sure.

Elder - the G&S is "Gondoliers." Very Happy

Last edited by Cath V-P on Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:12 am; edited 1 time in total

#452: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:00 am

Thank you for giving in to the impatient throng. Very Happy

*reiterates all the comments*
I do like Vivien! And the butterflies....

#453: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:23 am

Kathy_S wrote:

Thank you for giving in to the impatient throng. Very Happy

misread that - left out the 'r' Laughing

Thanks Mary

Liz

#454: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:09 am

Missed this last night - all the comments have already been said - love this Mary. Viviene is a worthy successor.

Thank you.

#455: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:54 am

Thank you Mary. Viviian is wonderful and love her and Matey and the 6th formers all scheming together to add some beauty to Hilda's life!

#456: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:06 pm

Thank you Mary. I've really loved the last two posts but haven't time to comment thoroughly due to half term!

Will just reiterate for now how much I love Vivien - and I'm sure all the 'origami-ers' had so much fun making everything!

#457: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 4:45 am

Thanks Mary
Lovely!!

#458: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 3:52 pm

Thank you so much for all those delightful comments above. I did so enjoy writing about those *butterflies* etc - but where that idea came from is beyond me. Rolling Eyes

I think Hilda must have been working overtime behind the scenes, prompting me. Laughing

For now, though, as we move away from Vivien to catch up with Ian, perhaps you might all like to make sure those harnesses are in good working order for a little later on, ..... Shocked

Vivien’s loving actions, combined with her dream, had reminded Hilda that she needed to stop worrying so much, and she slept well that night, having yet again turned Kathie over to God, determined to leave her there for the moment. She did wonder fleetingly if Vivien would make a better job of the Headship over at Millie’s – she had maturity, sensitivity, courage...... No, she reminded herself sharply, the decision was made! Let it rest, at least for the moment.

The end of the week was looming large and she had something else to do that also required delicate handling. She could feel the tension building at the thought of it, so next morning set the butterflies dancing in her Study and turned the outcome of that as well over to her Heavenly Father.

As she watched the butterflies, she thought back to the Sunday between the day of Nell’s anniversary and half term. During the service in the chapel, Hilda had caught Ian looking at her searchingly several times, and had wondered if Mother Abbess had told him of her breakdown. The nun had certainly asked her permission to do so, saying she thought Hilda might need help from him at some time. Mother Abbess had not known about the earthquake dream at that point, nor about the voice Hilda had heard – and that was something she would keep secret anyway, even from Ian, once she did know.

Ian had indeed been told, and had felt helpless to do anything. But talking to her outside church after the service, he had been amazed not only by how bright she looked, but at the luminosity of her eyes – like Nancy before him, he had shivered at the other-worldly look in them. He had had the feeling suddenly that she had travelled far beyond him.

Hilda meanwhile had been wondering, as she had talked, how she was going to find the courage to give him her news, for she really could not leave it any longer. Ian, however, as if picking up on her thoughts, and eyeing the girls now being marshalled into groups to return to school, had suddenly leaned forward and said quietly. “Hilda, I haven’t really spoken to you for weeks and Kate has just told me about.....”

Hilda had smiled affectionately, and reassured him. “I’m fine, Ian. It was bad, yes, one of my worst times, but I received many blessings that day and I’m back on an even keel at the moment.”

“Then how about coming over for Kaffee and Kuchen one afternoon soon?”

But she had shaken her head sadly at this missed opportunity. “It’s half term on Thursday and it’s all systems go at the moment, so there won’t be time. Maybe afterwards....”

“Then what about something more tempting?” he had smiled. “Let’s go down to the lake for dinner one evening.”

So it was agreed, and now here they were, the second Saturday after half term, bowling along in Ian’s little car down the coach road, where houses were few and far between. Night had fallen and the wind had risen; it was rocking the car quite badly in those areas where no high rocky walls protected them. Hilda was feeling relieved to get out of school after the worries about Kathie, but was also unaccountably nervous of the evening ahead. She was at last going to get this daunting task out of the way but oh, she did so hate hurting people who had done her no harm in any way.

In the restaurant they were greeted warmly and shown to their table. Having ordered, Hilda sat back and looked around at all the tables with their checked red and white cloths, and their little centrepieces of candles and flowers. She felt herself relaxing a little, but when she turned back to Ian she found him watching her almost hungrily, and that knot of tension returned to her stomach.

She kept the conversation to light, inconsequential matters as they ate, and the murmur of other conversations ebbed and flowed around them, but when Ian asked if she would like a sweet she shook her head, wanting to get this conversation over with now as soon as possible. So Ian ordered coffee and then sat there, a look of immense sadness suddenly on his face.

He had been doing a lot of thinking during the meal, noticing her reserve, a reserve she had maintained ever since his declaration of love, despite all his best efforts. He was realising, as Hilda had realised before him, when she had returned to school after her stay in the convent, that home was not a place but a person, and he knew, suddenly, that no matter how long he waited, her heart would never come home to his, and he felt immeasurably lonely. But her friendship was no small thing, he reflected, and he would settle for that.

Ian, Ian, he told himself silently, stop telling yourself comfort lies. Friendship? What is friendship when you want so much more?

His inner turmoil ceased when Hilda put a gentle hand on his where it lay on the table......

#459: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 6:41 pm

Poor Ian, wanting something Hilda cannot give him. Hope he doesn't misconstrue Hilda's compassion.

Thanks Mary.

#460: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 7:35 pm

I think we all know where this is leading, but the getting there is going to be emotionally draining for both Hilda and Ian. I hope she will be gentle with him, and that he will be able to understand her reasons for the decision she will be giving him. Despite Hilda's resolves for her future, I'm not sure which of them the current situation is more difficult for.

Glad you warned us about the cliffs ahead, Mary. Please don't keep us poised there for too long!

#461: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 7:41 pm

MaryR wrote:

perhaps you might all like to make sure those harnesses are in good working order for a little later on, .....

What a menacing threat! Really, Mary, I'm surprised at you!

I'm glad to see Hilda escaping from the tense atmosphere of the school, unfortunately she seems to be stepping into another delicate situation.

MaryR wrote:

He was realising, as Hilda had realised before him, when she had returned to school after her stay in the convent, that home was not a place but a person, and he knew, suddenly, that no matter how long he waited, her heart would never come home to his, and he felt immeasurably lonely.

That is such an immeasurably tragic line. Is there anything more poignant than unrequited love? Poor Ian. I hope he really can come to terms with that.

Thank you.

Hope that's been sorted for you, Nicola - Lesley with Mod hat on! Wink

#462: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 7:44 pm

No Ian - Don't! I'm sure Hilda knows what is in his head though, and is prepared for it. And I'm so glad that she has the gift from Vivien behind her to help her get through whatever is up ahead. And the good nights sleep spurred on with the sense of peace that it all brought with her.

Hmmm - interesting doubts about Vivien and Kathie, hope that she has the strength to stick with that first decision, but something that I am sure will be in her head for a recommendation if she should ever feel that was necesarry.

I love it that the butterflies stand as a reminder that to fly free, without fear, you need to hand it all over to God (hmmm - absolute dependence...) Sorry, thinking about the essay I'm working on just now!

I'm glad that Mother Abbess is still there in the background, giving her a hand when it is important, and that Hilda knows exactly how far she will go.

Thanks Mary

#463: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 9:24 pm

Oh, this is going to be such a hard conversation, or will Ian guess what is coming?

#464: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 10:40 pm

On the surface all this looks fine. but I am uneasy. This will be a hard conversation, and of course, hearing something put so absolutely into words can be devastating, no matter how much you tell yourself that you are prepared and indeed expecting it. He'd better not be nasty about Hilda's decision to enter the convent, or he'll be in Deep Trouble! And Nell will come and haunt him!

#465: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:02 am

Thank you Mary. And he has to know now so that he can prepare himself too, it would hurt so much more to findout as she goes.

#466: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 12:59 pm

Poor Ian

I hope he finds the strength to accept it

Thanks Mary

Liz

#467: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:23 pm

Oh, poor Ian. And also poor Hilda, having his unrequited love to deal with when she has so many other things on her plate.

Maybe Vivien might make a better head at St. Mildred's - but imagine the explosion with Kathie if that decision was made just now Shocked

Lots and lots of things for us to think about, and for you to write about, Mary!

Thank you Smile

*straps on harness in case of a post this evening*

#468: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:21 pm

....Ian, Ian, he told himself silently, stop telling yourself comfort lies. Friendship? What is friendship when you want so much more?

His inner turmoil ceased when Hilda put a gentle hand on his where it lay on the table. Sensitive as always, she had guessed at what was going on inside, and tried to comfort, while simultaneously quailing at the thought of making it worse. Unusually for her, she postponed speaking her mind and moved the conversation sideways, speaking softly.

“Ian, do you know, despite all the conversations over the years, I don’t think I ever learned why you came out here to the San.”

“Maybe I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose the respect of two women I came to admire so much,” he admitted ruefully. Realising he was referring to herself and Nell, she looked at him questioningly, but he was suddenly unable to meet her keen eyes and looked out across the room.

He took a deep breath, then said rather abruptly, “During the war I became a chaplain in the army. I felt I had to do something more than just carry on in being a parish priest, especially as Kate was doing her bit.” He heard her stifle an exclamation.

He turned to look back at her and saw her eyes had softened. He shook his head. “This is no tale of bravery and daring-do, Hilda. I went across to France with the troops, and ended up being evacuated from Dunkirk like so many others. Those were moments of sheer hell – cowering from the bullets as we waited on the beach, as we tried to reach the boats. So many men killed, butchered, on that beach, in the water, even in the boats.” His voice was very bitter for a moment.

“I returned to France with my men later, and followed as they fought from ruined village to ruined village. The sights I saw, the letters I had to write home for dying soldiers......” His eyes were now focused inwards as he saw again sights she had only read and heard about. “But then we were ordered to Poland.......you can guess where I’m going with this, can’t you?” and his hand clenched under hers. “What we saw in the two camps we liberated changed us all, but they also ......finished me. On my return I had a complete breakdown, and it was a long, long while before they could put me back together – if they ever did! Kate was superb, loving me, bolstering me, even though at that time she had only just finished working through her own demons.”

Hilda’s mind flew to her friend. What had happened to her, she wondered. Was that when she had developed her wisdom and perception, her moral courage, her ability to counsel and challenge? Then she shook herself. That was for another time. Here and now was for Ian.

“What happened once you had recovered?” she asked very quietly. Suddenly his hand turned and gripped hers hard, as though it was a lifeline, but she kept her face still against the pain.

“They put me in a parish but..... I couldn’t face ordinary day-to-day problems.....they all seemed so trivial, so pointless. I was still questioning God at that time. How could He have let all that happen and done nothing? I could not get beyond that. In the end I asked to be relieved – and then this position came up....”

His voice trailed away as he lost himself once more in his thoughts, and Hilda wondered to herself how on earth his superiors had expected him to support and comfort dying patients and their relatives when he was in such need himself. Then she berated herself harshly. Ian was loved by his patients. She had seen that love in their eyes, seen the trust they had in him.

From his experience of despair, his seeming bitterness, he had learned to give strength to others, to bring light and hope back into their hearts, even as they lay dying. And yet, she thought to herself, he must have been so scared when he first came, wondering if yet again he would fail. Instead he had found the place where God wanted him, could use him.

Hilda’s voice was very soft as she next spoke. “And so you came here, expecting to fail once more, but you didn’t, did you? My dear, you are such a comfort to the patients and their families.” He tried to deny it but she gripped his hand hard. “You know, Ian, a book has been published recently called To Kill a Mocking Bird. In it the author, Harper Lee, uses words that might speak to you, if I can just remember them correctly.”

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through, no matter what.

Ian’s eyes were focused on her intently as she spoke and now he breathed urgently, “I’m not brave, Hilda, anything but. I should think you’ve lost all respect for me....”

“Weren’t you listening, Ian?” she interrupted softly, her eyes shining. “Courage is not feeling brave; it’s forcing yourself to go on, moment by difficult moment, step by faltering step, when you feel you have no strength to do so, when all you want to do is run away, because you are so scared.”

He gazed searchingly into her shining, steadfast eyes, then nodded, finally finding some peace within himself.....

#469: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:27 pm

Oh well done Hilda, I think you have finally got through to him. And though you may have asked the question as one who is blind, the responce shows it was something which needed to be asked. Ian needed to face it before he could move on, and Hilda needed to know some of what has happened to him in the past. She has certainly distracted him for the moment.

Thanks Mary, that was a lovely look at the inner workings of a man who is only vaguely known

#470: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:28 pm

Maybe this will make it easier for him to understand Hilda's decision.

#471: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:37 pm

Quote:

From his experience of despair, his seeming bitterness, he had learned to give strength to others, to bring light and hope back into their hearts, even as they lay dying.

That is a really evocative image, Mary.

Quote:

“Courage is not feeling brave; it’s forcing yourself to go on, moment by difficult moment, step by faltering step, when you feel you have no strength to do so, when all you want to do is run away, because you are so scared.”

How very true, not just for Ian, but for Hilda herself. And, for that matter, for most, if not all of us at some point in our lives - a wonderful statement of a universal truth.

This is a very telling section, Mary, showing us how Ian's experiences affected him - and I'm quite sure that he wasn't the only one to be so horrified by what he saw when the concentration camps were liberated that he had a breakdown.

Please enlighten us about his sister's life-changing experience in due course.

As Squirrel says, thank you for this glimpse of an individual who is not one of the chief players in this story.

#472: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:43 pm

How many people make that mistake? Thinking that, because they are afraid, that means they must be cowards. True brvery is continuing, even when you are so scared you can barely function, even when you are sure you will fail.

Ian needed to know that.

Thanks you Mary.

#473: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:50 pm

Poor Ian - to have come through so much, done so much, and feel he is a failure Sad

I hope this is a real turning point for him.

Thanks Mary

Liz

#474: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:04 am

What a perceptive woman she is, and how swiftly and sensitively she responds to the needs of others. And of course the Platz would have been the right place for him, grappling as he was with the eternals of death, pain, grief and despair - and also the love that can exist with all of these.

Very sad and thought-provoking Mary.

#475: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 7:52 am

Hidden depths there for Ian. Good to see the fleshing out of another minor character you have created. And all in response to Hilda desperately changing the subject to avoid any embarassing confessions!

As Elder asked, I would also like to hear about MA's wartime experiences, but I'm sure you already have plans to work that in somewhere in the future.

Thank you, Mary.

#476: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:34 am

Thank you Mary. Poor Ian to have good through so much and still think he was failing.

#477: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:30 pm

Thanks Mary

#478: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 6:53 pm

I've spent the lsat two evenings using my library time to catch up from, um, about June ( Embarassed

) everyone around me has been giving me funny looks because I think I kept getting a little involved... Embarassed

Wow seems so inadequate but I'm waiting for my thoughts to all fall into the right place. Thank you Mary.

#479: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:33 pm

As today is All Saints Day, I thought I would include some words from Felix Adler, for I feel they show that, whether we have great faith or no faith at all, we can all aspire to be this kind of saint.

The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the woods, himself a light.

I'm sorry it's only a short piece tonight, but I wanted to ask the question "Are they compatible?" and see where Ian's thoughts lead him.

I shall make up for it tomorrow when Hilda tries to explain herself Wink

.......“Weren’t you listening, Ian?” she interrupted softly, her eyes shining. “Courage is not feeling brave; it’s forcing yourself to go on, moment by difficult moment, step by faltering step, when you feel you have no strength to do so, when all you want to do is run away, because you are so scared.”

He gazed searchingly into her shining, steadfast eyes, then nodded, finally finding some peace within himself. “Thank you. But, Hilda, that’s just what you’ve been doing since Nell died,” he said very quietly, and she shook her head at this turning the tables but he persisted. “I remember when you came to me in your despair. Even then your bravery was outstanding. To keep going as you did, and smile for others, when your heart was broken in pieces.....”

He smiled sadly. “No wonder I fell in love with you. But I chose the wrong time to tell you, didn't I, and I made your grief all the greater. I think I just wanted to plug myself into your formidable strength.”

Tears sprang into her eyes, for at that time she had truly felt she was helping no one – indeed, so great had been her grief that, at first, she had longed for oblivion, simply so she could be with Nell. In the end she had had to seek help for herself, because she had been so frightened of what she might do. She certainly had not been as brave as this man, who regarded himself as a failure.

But, despite the tears, she retained her poise enough to whisper, “Ian, you deserve better than I can offer. You need a gentle woman who will nourish and sustain you, who will bask in your undemanding, forgiving warmth.”

“Whereas you are strong as steel and.......”

“And would bully you and chivvy you remorselessly, and probably drive you to drink,” she finished wryly.

He smiled and shook his head, for he did not want it to be true, but he knew she was right. As he had said, she was pure steel through and through, raw courage at her core, even though a woman of great gentleness and generosity of spirit, and she would have constantly challenged him, intellectually and morally, just as she and Nell had always challenged each other. Which was why they had grown ever stronger and wiser and wider as the years went by.

She never hesitated to act or speak as she saw fit, and was afraid of no one. She certainly had not been afraid, or run away, when faced with a young man determined to do her and his sister harm! She was also a very difficult woman to read, for she gave herself away so seldom, and he did not have the perceptiveness to dig deep

He was convinced she would have made a much better vicar than he had ever been, with her inner strength, her rock solid faith, her intuition, her exquisite tenderness for others and her ability to light the way for them, and she would surely never have gone under, as he had. He recognised, finally, regretfully, that he needed a softer, less intelligent woman, who would defer to him, let him make the decisions – and Hilda Annersley would never do that!

#480: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:46 pm

Too right she wouldn't!!! Lovely little piece there Mary, and a fascinating glimpse into the type of woman Ian requires and why he made such a mistake with Hilda.

Thank you.

#481: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:05 pm

Hilda? Let Ian make his own decisions? Surely you jest!!

I agree with Lesley that this is a lovely little vignette, Mary. I'm also glad for his own sake that he can indeed recognise the steel in Hilda's makeup and has enough self-knowledge to admit that, despite all he feels for her he does indeed need a 'softer,' more gentle, woman than she is.

Look forward to more when you have time.

#482: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:14 pm

Agree with Elder and Lesley. This shows why they would not be right for each other, and yet also why they have been able to help each other. A lovely interlude. Ian should now understand what Hilda has to tell him.

#483: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 11:02 pm

Thanks Mary

So glad Ian came to that realisation himself - so much less painful for him that way.

Liz

#484: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:18 am

Oh that is good Smile

. Ian doesnt need to be told, he knows for himself now that it wouldnt be the right thing. It was great seeing into the innermost thoughts of Ian as well, getting to know him better, and seeing his understanding of Hilda grow.

Especially loved the way that he was able to encourage Hilda about the way she acted when Nell died, and without appearing to realise that he was doing it - he was just too wrapped up in his own thoughts.

Mary, I saw you were half considering changing your mind for the sake of the romantic theme currently pervading this house - if you *really* want to introduce it, then bring in someone who *will* suit Ian before this gets to the end! Even if we only hear about it by proxy or something! lol

#485: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:52 am

Thank you Mary. Pleased that Ian has managed to see what he needed to, hopefully he can now move on and find that special woman who will be right for him.

#486: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:02 pm

Thank you Mary.

I'm very glad they had this conversation - it will have helped to clear the air between them.

And I love this:

Quote:

Awaiting Hilda's explanations now!

#487: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:16 pm

I'm sorry this is so long, Embarassed

but Ian would not let himself be convinced by Hilda, despite his earlier thoughts.

.... He recognised, finally, regretfully, that he needed a softer, less intelligent woman, who would defer to him, let him make the decisions – and Hilda Annersley would never do that!

Suddenly, watching him, she knew the time had come. “Ian,” she began tentatively. “There is something I have needed to tell you for a while now, but I’ve been putting it off through sheer cowardice.”

He laughed. “You! You’ve got enough courage for ten men, so why....?” He stopped at the uncharacteristically diffident look that had appeared on her face, and his eyes widened. “You’ve fallen in love! With someone else!” he cried, in total dismay.

Her bashfulness disappeared, and a great gentleness took its place. That radiance he had noticed before half term shone in her eyes as she whispered, “Yes, Ian, I have, but not in the way you are thinking. I’ve fallen in love in a new way – with God.”

For a moment there was silence as his brain tried to assimilate her words. “But you’ve always had a great love of God. So what has changed?” His voice was puzzled but she could see in his eyes the dawning of a grave disquiet – a knowledge that things were about to change. And not for the better where he was concerned!

“I’m entering the Convent, Ian.” Her voice and eyes were unflinching now, calm and sure. “I decided at the end of my stay there in the summer. I was already attracted after my first two weeks there, and then I was shot – and suddenly everything fell into place. It’s where I now feel I belong..... “

She fell silent as his mouth gaped open and his eyes opened wide in disbelief. “But you can’t!” he cried, and her eyebrows shot up into her hair. “You belong here! At the school! It’s your home!”

Her eyes were still calm and sure, but compassion was also evident as she shook her head and tried to explain the inexplicable. “No, Ian, it’s not. I realised that when I returned from the convent. Nell was my home.”

He gasped. What was she saying? Her musical voice very low and very sweet, she continued, “We loved each other, Ian, and to be with Nell was to be at home by my own fireside, warmed by her great strength and devotion. Without her, I have no home, no family, no place of safety, and the school cannot take her place.”

In the midst of his distress he heard an inner voice pointing out how ironic it all was. To him, despite his new insight this evening, Hilda would have been home. To Hilda, Nell had been home. Is it all one huge joke to you, Lord? he asked bitterly in silence. Do you enjoy watching your friends suffer? Is there any such thing as a happy ending?

Then he let his tongue get the better of him. “You’re running away!” he accused roughly.

Hilda maintained her patience and steadfastness, though she smiled somewhat ruefully. “I’m sure many people will think exactly that, when I reveal my plans.” She shrugged. “But there is nothing I can do about it. Hopefully some will understand.” She leaned forward and spoke with clarity and intelligence, trying to make Ian, at least, understand her motives. “No, Ian, I am not running away. I’m not retiring for another two years, and I would probably have retired then anyway. Nell and I had always planned that – we didn’t want to die in harness, so to speak. We might not have retired together, but we wanted freedom, freedom to travel, freedom to be ourselves for a while....”

She paused for a moment’s reflection, and then added somewhat sombrely, “After Nell’s death, I did want to run away, or to stay away once I had gone to the convent. Here, I meet her at every corner and I still long for her constantly. But I would be letting Nell down if I left without making sure the school was in good hands and would continue smoothly without either of us. And things can’t be organised in two minutes. But it’s so hard....”

Suddenly, she closed her eyes in anguish and her hand gripped his convulsively. Seeing her rarely-revealed grief sobered him and he waited quietly, knowing he had to put his own feelings to one side for the moment. He loved this woman so much that he wanted only her happiness. Loved her too much to heap recriminations on her, to shout out like a baby that she would be leaving him with nothing, not even her friendship - for she would be gone.

“Hilda.” He spoke gently and held her hand firmly in comfort. She opened her eyes and he saw the tears she was trying so valiantly to control. “Hilda, you’re not doing this out of gratitude to Kate, are you? For all she’s done for you? To repay her? I know how intense a weight gratitude can be, you see.”

She looked across at his concerned face, and her eyes were bright with that clarity and intelligence. “Don’t you think your sister would have soon seen through that?” and she smiled lovingly. “No, Ian, this is not gratitude nor loneliness, nor even escape. It all came as a distinct shock to me as well, you know. It is not something that ever remotely appealed.” She stopped, reflected. “But it was suddenly as though some small corner of my heart was made whole, became alive, in the midst of all my brokenness. That God was in there, telling me I belonged to Him from now on, that He would never let me go.”

Her eyes opened wide as she gazed at Ian. “Like you, for a while I questioned God’s motives. But not any more. I realised that what He was asking made perfect sense, that He was offering me the only place I wanted to be, the perfect place. Doesn’t God say in Isaiah, I drive him like a peg in a firm place. That’s what He has done for me. He did it when He sent me here to the school all those years ago - and now He has done it yet again. I can offer there, for the rest of my life, what I have been learning in all the years of my life up until now. I can still help people, nurture them, love them – and all without putting them on Head’s report!” she added with a smile, having always abhorred remaining harsh and grim when all she wanted to do was comfort.

“I shall always grieve for Nell. But your sister tells me God accepts me anyway, that grieving does not mean I have no vocation.” Her voice fell to a soft murmur. “ He has created something very beautiful for me out of what I felt was nothing but ruins. Oh, Ian, He has blessed me in so many ways just recently. I can refuse Him nothing. If He wants me, then He shall have me.”

He realised then how right she had been. She had indeed fallen in love – with a Lover who would never let her down, who would love her as no human could ever love her. She was safe and at home in God’s hands.

Intense sadness bloomed in his eyes and Hilda gripped his hand. “Ian, even if your sister were not there, it would still be something I would have to do. I no longer have a choice. But don’t you see, you will not lose my friendship.”

He looked at her, a question in his eyes, but awe in his heart. How could she read him so well? She continued eagerly, “When you visit your sister you will see far more of me than you do here. There will be time to talk. I’m not entering an enclosed order.”

Her voice softened, but she spoke with her usual frankness. “I know you want my love, Ian, but you never had that, would never have that, even if I remained here. But I will always remain your friend, insofar as my calling allows. So please.... don’t be too sad.”

She saw the tears sparkling in his bright green eyes and clasped his hands in comfort, praying that God would deal gently with this good man....

#488: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:22 pm

Oh Hilda was magnificent Mary, absolutely magnificent. There was no other way to tell it to him, and even though he got angry, he had to give in, to relent. God is calling her to this, and she will do it. Thankyou for such a lovely scene.

#489: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:29 pm

So glad Hilda was able, finally, to make him see. And her simple 'Nell was my home' tears at your heartstrings.

Thank you Mary.

#490: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:29 pm

Squirrel already said it, Mary - this was a truly wonderful scene. Seeing Hilda explain herself to Ian so firmly yet so compassionately reminds us again of her hidden depths and strength of will, as well as of her deep and continuing grief for Nell. Surely now Ian will accept that while she cannot love him in the way he would wish, by agreeing to let her go her way, he will still retain her friendship and affection.

Thank you.

#491: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:27 pm

HIlda was so frank with him there, but there was a great deal of compassion too. Poor Ian, having to come to terms with this news.

And your previous post was also fascinating, explaing the differences between them.

Thank you, Mary.

#492: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 12:06 am

Thank you Mary Kiss

Liz

#493: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:38 am

Lovley, thank you Mary.

#494: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 1:02 pm

Thank you Mary. Hilda has explained herself as well as she can to Ian - I hope that he will be able to reconcile himself to the situation, and realise that he will indeed see more of her, not less, as the friends they are meant to be.

May I permit myself a little giggle at this part?:

Quote:

and then I was shot – and suddenly everything fell into place.

Lets hope God doesn't have to deal with us all as drastically as that when it is time to make a major life change... Wink

#495: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:58 pm

Oh, two posts to think about - double chocolate sauce!!! Very Happy

This gives such a clear idea of Ian's limitations and Hilda's depths - and yes, they would have destroyed one another!
His first reaction of her news as "running away" is so interesting and reveals that he doesn't really know her well - and his surprise at that simple heartwrenching "Nell was my home" does bear that out too. Although he does realise just how marvellous a vicar she would have made in other circumstances, so he doew see her at her true worth.
And what a lovely exposition on the nature of vocation - and Hilda's own reluctance to deal with the idea as well - that it didn't appeal at all to start with! I've heard that before and it always rings so true - that you know what you have to do, but . . . not me, surely not me?! And then you become aware that, yes this is the only option and all else gives way to it.

Thank you Mary!

#496: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 3:08 am

Such intense and moving scenes! It’s hard on both of them, but better by far that the truth be clear between them. I was a little startled at first to see Hilda use the word “love” as Ian might, in the limited, romantic sense, but then realized that it could be critical for getting the point across, and that Hilda would know that instinctively.

Thanks again, Mary.

#497: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:29 am

Thank you Mary

#498: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 1:30 pm

I’m sorry not to have posted the last few days, but RL suddenly reared its ugly head and thrust me into a deep, black hole – and I have now lost even the little confidence I ever had in New Dreams. Cath lovingly calls it chocolate sauce, but to me, just at the moment, it feels as though it has long outstayed its welcome and should be consigned to a skip. I have got to the point where I think no one really wants to read it. Embarassed

Alongside a friend in RL, three very kind people on the board have held me as I have wept, truly life’s blessèd ones. And they have finally got me to the point of being able to post again, telling me this story does have merit. Will I be able to continue, feeling so discouraged about it as I am? I hope so, because Hilda would be very disappointed in me otherwise, wouldn’t she? Rolling Eyes

Ian and Hilda left the restaurant soon afterwards, both feeling enough had been said for one evening, and yet both aware that in some way they understood each other a little better and could now perhaps find their way back to their old easy footing. Hilda was aware, however, of just how much she had shaken and upset this man.

As they walked to the car, they shivered and pulled their coats and scarves closer round themselves. The wind was really icy now and blowing strongly and the clouds were scudding fast across the full moon. Ian put his arm round Hilda’s shoulders and they quickened their pace, glad finally to be able to huddle in the car out of the wind as Ian fired it up. Slowly they made their way through the dark streets and reached the coach road. As they began their ascent, the wind tore at the car and Ian had his work cut out to keep it steady

Fortunately, they soon reached relative calm as rocky walls reared up round them, sheltering them from the ferocious wind. Hilda remained quiet, feeling enough had been said in the restaurant, but she became aware that every so often Ian was turning to stare at her as though he wanted to say something. In the end, becoming rather anxious, she decided to settle it one way or the other, for he needed to keep his eyes on the road.

“Ian, what did you want to say? Is there something I haven’t made clear?” He turned again to look at her and opened his mouth, but at that moment they were out of the shelter of the walls of rock and onto a small plateau, where houses were few and far between but there were plenty of open pastures, a few still dotted with sheep or cows or goats, though that would change as winter drew ever nearer.

Once again, the wind tore at the car and Ian struggled once more to keep the car under control, and Hilda’s anxiety increased. They began to climb up, away from the plateau, and the wind shrieked and howled around them like a living entity.

Suddenly, there was a rocky wall against one side of the car, although a steep drop on the other, and again the wind died down a little. Ian took the chance and turned his head to speak to Hilda, but as he did so the rocky wall abruptly ended, the wind rocked the car so hard that Ian lost all control of the wheel, and before he could turn back to look at the road the car veered to the left and tore into the bank, then catapulted into the road again.

Hilda cried out in alarm as the tyres lost their grip on the tarmac and slid slowly over the grassy verge on the other side – only to plough into a hollow and then gather speed, careering on downhill, tearing through low bushes and hedges at breakneck speed, missing trees by mere millimetres. Ian was desperately trying to control the wheel with one hand, trying to brake with his foot, and holding his other arm across Hilda to prevent her shooting forward as she clung to door and dashboard, praying hard.

“Hang on, Hilda, hang on,” he shouted, as the jolting grew worse. He let go of her to grab hold of the wheel with both hands, but just then there was a lurch and the side of Hilda’s face slammed into the window so hard it brought tears to her eyes. Dazed, she managed to open her eyes and try to grasp the wheel herself to help, but suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge tree loomed up before them – and Hilda’s world exploded in a bright whiteness and then went black......

Last edited by MaryR on Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

#499: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 2:06 pm

Oh look, a large and horrible cliff! Shocked

Must say Ian should be shot - in weather/conditions like that you do NOT take your eyes or mind from the road. If he needed to say more then he should have pulled over or waited until they'd got back to the School.

Thanks Mary, looking forward to the next bit.

#500: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 2:40 pm