The CBB :: View topic - New Dreams (Part 5)

#1: New Dreams (Part 5) - 7th February Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 8:00 pm

Archived due to length 20.11.05. Previous parts can be found here:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three (1)
Part Three (2)
Part Four (1)
Part Four (2)

The sub-parting may look a little confusing - would just like to promise people that everything is there and in order Laughing

Gem x

As Hilda slowly surfaced from that velvety blackness, she became aware that she was lying in bed, but it was not her own bed, the sheets a different texture. Struggling to lift eyelids that seemed more like leaden weights, her gaze met a ceiling higher than her own ceiling, and an overhead light that was far too bright.

Intelligence reluctantly returning, she became aware of cool fingers laid on her wrist, and she turned her head in that direction. Instantly, jagged pain seared through her brain and down the side of her face. Closing her eyes, she bit down sharply on her lip to stifle the groan that was threatening to erupt, but she could do nothing about the involuntary tears.

“Lie still, Hilda,” said the voice of Jack Maynard softly in her ear. “You’ve banged your head, my dear, and are suffering severe concussion. Lie still, and it should ease a little.”

It did, but not enough for her to want to move again. She lay absolutely still, almost stultified by the awful pain, wishing she could retreat back into the comforting blackness. Jack watched and waited patiently, if very anxiously. Finally she lifted those leaden weights once more and tried to speak, but all that came out was a croak. “Jack? What....? How.....?”

He leaned over so she could see him, and smiled down into pain-filled eyes that were surrounded by heavy bruising. “You’ve been unconscious for the last twenty-four hours, so you’re going to be feeling rather weak, I’m afraid. Can you remember anything, anything at all?” He kept his voice quiet and soft. “Do you remember being in a car crash?”

Suddenly, light illuminated some of the dark places, and fear took hold. Despite the agony, she turned her head to look him squarely in the eyes. “Ian!” she croaked. “He lost control...... the car.... it went off the road...... the tree....”

As the darkness threatened to close in again, she pushed it away desperately and forced her eyes to stay open. She needed to know about Ian! Jack felt the hectic pulse under his fingers pick up more speed, and she began to gasp for breath as the terror of the night before took hold once more. “Ian? How is he? Jack, tell me....”

“He’s fine, Hilda,” soothed Jack. “But you’re not, I'm afraid. So please, love, relax, take it easy. You’re safe now. Come on, slow breaths...that’s it....in....out....”

Gradually her breathing slowed as she closed her eyes and forced herself to obey Jack. Again unconsciousness threatened and again she fought it. She must know if Ian ..... No! It couldn’t have happened like that! Dear God, please.......

Fighting the increasingly overwhelming pain, she tried again as she forced her eyes open. “Jack...is Ian......?”

“I’ve told you, love, he’s fine,” answered Jack, almost absent-mindedly, so anxious was he about her condition. Unfortunately he was not looking at her as he spoke; he was reaching for the blood pressure cuff, and so missed the look of abject despair that passed over her face.

Finding him seemingly so unwilling to give her any information, Hilda began to doubt that Jack was telling the truth, began to think he was lying to protect her. She closed her eyes yet again as the deadly truth hit her. Ian was either dead - or lying badly injured here in the San. And it was all her fault! She had so upset him that he had not been himself, had not been watching the road.

Pain reached a crescendo as her thoughts screamed at her, and this time Hilda welcomed the blackness that once more enveloped her.......

Jack Maynard felt grave disquiet in his heart as unconsciousness claimed her once more, for Hilda had indeed been deeply unconscious for almost twenty four hours, and there had been one or two moments when he had wondered if she was going to make it. At one point she had seemed to be slipping away from them, with no strength left to fight. However, as her body had reached crisis point, some flicker of life had been re-kindled and she had crawled slowly back from the brink.

A prey to some very gloomy thoughts, he stood staring down at her battered face – the clear-cut structure almost obliterated on one side by severe swelling and bruising. Both eyes were black and the forehead bore a huge lump. Fortunately, X-rays had found nothing untoward and there was no swelling of the brain – a vast improvement on last time, thank God, though still far from good news.

He was unsure how much that terrible walk in the dark and cold, after the wallop she had received, had contributed to those moments when she had seemed to be leaving them, and he was deeply concerned about any consequences. How she had managed to get as far as she did, after that injury, was something beyond comprehension. And as for that long, steep climb up from the car…… He had shuddered at the distance.

Especially when he considered that she had done most of it without shoes! He and a nurse had spent over two hours working on her slender, high-arched feet, painstakingly removing each small stone or piece of grit embedded in the torn skin and stitching the worst of the deep cuts. It would be a while before she would be able to walk without pain.

He had always known how stubborn and brave she was, but all this? Iron self-control indeed! However, it had taken its toll, and even though her life force now seemed to be flickering more strongly, she was still running a temperature, her pulse was rapid and feeble, and her blood pressure far too low.

And how much did she remember? All she had mentioned was the crash itself - what about afterwards? Did she have any memory at all of her lonely struggle in the dark and cold?

Last edited by MaryR on Tue Feb 07, 2006 8:25 pm; edited 49 times in total

#2: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 8:12 pm

- poor Hilda, poor Jack. Such a simple mistake to make. The busy dr, having to keep an eye on what is happening so doesnt realise that the thing which he needs to do above all else is not done, and so leading to such anxiety. Mary, please let Hilda come to understand that he is telling the truth soon.

Thanks.

#3: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:56 pm

Hmmm, X-rays don't show everything, certainly not damage to the brain. And a person's mood will be a huge help or hindrance to their recovery - someone must tell her exactly how Ian is - or she'll literally worry herself to death.

(((((Hilda)))))

Thanks Mary.

#4: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:57 pm

It's pretty clear even from that brief interchange that Hilda *does* rememember most of the events leading up to the crash - which in itself is excellent news in terms of any lasting brain impairment. But if only Jack would have said a little more about Ian's condition - from the initial reaction, I doubt very much if he's dead, and if Jack had only told Hilda that he has broken ribs, shock and is suffering from exposure, she probably would not have become so agitated. Oh well, can't be changed now.

Hoping that Hilda will soon rouse again, and at least they'll be able to reassure her about this. It's clear she will take some time to recover from her injuries, but at least, without any swelling of her brain, the long-term outlook is good, so long as her general strength holds out.

Thanks Mary

#5: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 11:30 pm

Oh Hilda, it isn't your fault! Ian had a role in all this too!
I can understand how Jack missed the cues, but if she feels oppressed by guilt and despair, then it makes it so much harder for her to fight. Nell, you had better take her in hand!

Thank you for this Mary - and your subtitle gave me a couple of worrying moments!!

#6: New Dreams (Part 5) Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 11:49 pm

Two hours to sort her poor feet out! Oh, Hilda, love. It will take her a long time to recover from all this, even just physically.

Suppose it's reasonable for Jack to be so worried about her physical state that he doesn't appreciate her emotional/psychological needs (stops herself muttering 'just like a man', 'cos that's sexist ...). So why do I want to thump him?

Someone also needs to point out to Hilda that Ian's distress was not actually her fault, she'd been as gentle and supportive as was humanly possible, it's hardly her fault that she doesn't love him. Her own words to Len in 'Triplets' come to mind: 'No blame attaches to you ... and no blame is attributed to you'. She cannot take responsibility for the pain of the world. Hope she gets a chance to get well enough to be that logical!

#7: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:57 am

Thanks Mary

I am so glad Jack and Joey were going/coming back from wherever it was on that dark windy night.

*Hoping for good nights sleep for all and some positive news about Ian in the morning.*

Liz

#8: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:26 am

Thank you Mary. Thank goodness for Jack and Joey, I hope Ian really is 'fine'.

#9: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:19 pm

Oh my! The poor poor thing.

I do hope she is going to recover.

Jack isn't to blame for missing it, but he needs to think about Hilda and reassure her.

#10: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:57 pm

Eek, we still seem to be wandering around the edge of this cliff. Come on, Jack, tell Hilda the details, so she'll believe you. I'm still rooting for Mother Abbess to fly in, and sort everyone out.

Thank you, Mary.

#11: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 9:11 pm

When Hilda finally came to herself again, the bright light had blessedly been dimmed. As she stirred, a nurse bent over her. “Feeling any better?” she asked softly, although looking into the pain in her patient’s face she doubted it. “Just lie still, if you can? Would you like a drink?”

Nailed to the bed by pain, Hilda blinked her eyes, and the nurse held a straw to her parched lips. She welcomed the blessed coolness as it trickled down her raw throat, and then decided to try the nurse. Maybe she would tell her the truth. “Nurse!” The croak had gone. All she had left was a weak whisper. “How’s Mr Stuart?”

“He’s fine, Miss Annersley,” smiled the nurse in her best bedside manner, unaware that to Hilda it spoke of truths held back. “It’s you who is causing us all a great deal of concern so, please, lie still and I’ll find Dr Maynard.”

Hilda lay there, head thumping, and slowly put up her hand to feel the side of her face. Where had the bones gone? Why was it such agony if it was her head she had hit? And then she remembered smashing into the window of the car, before that tree suddenly loomed out of nowhere.....

Her heart quailed within her as she re-lived the accident. Ian was dead, or lying somewhere mortally injured, and they were afraid to tell her! She resolutely forced back the tears as they threatened to overflow. Tears would not change a thing. She had asked several times and got nowhere. If she insisted on being told the truth they would want to know why, for she was not a relative. What could she tell them? That she had upset him? But she could not reveal his love for her, any more than she could reveal what she had told him.

And anyway, if they were prepared to tell her the truth, and he was dead, she was now frightened she would break down or spill everything out. All at once her breath caught on a sob – Mother Abbess! Dear God! What would this do to her, if Ian really were dead? Would she ever forgive Hilda?

Her thoughts going round and round, as though caught in a maze, Hilda lay still and apparently quiet in that narrow hospital bed, willing herself to stay calm, as the pain continued its onslaught. Then, from nowhere and very suddenly, waves of nausea overwhelmed her and when those cool fingers were once more laid on her wrist she managed to gasp out, just in time, that she was going to be sick.

“Nurse!” snapped Jack, and quickly lifted Hilda, who then brought back all the water she had just drunk so thirstily. Her aching head fell limply against Jack and he laid her down again gently, more worried than ever.

“Nothing by mouth for the time being! Leave the drip in,” he said quietly to the nurse, and then looked down into Hilda’s exhausted face. “Hilda, can you bear to open your eyes?” Making a supreme effort she complied, her eyes only half-open. “I want you to try and lie quiet. You received a very nasty wallop to your head and another to your face. The pain is going to take a while to subside, I should think. You know from last time that we daren’t give you any painkillers, as it would mask any untoward symptoms.”

He saw from her eyes that she understood. He stood there debating with himself. Should he try to prod her memory? “Hilda, can you remember anything that happened after the crash?”

She closed her eyes wearily and all that could be heard was the quietest of whispers. “No. Nothing. Just the car going off the road...the tree... and then waking up here.” She had no curiosity as to why he was asking her this question, even though she was aware that, for some strange reason, her feet seemed to be very painful. Her whole mind was focused on Ian. She wanted to ask again about him, but felt too ill now to face the answer.

Jack pondered. Should he tell her, or wait until memory returned – if it ever did? She was lying absolutely still, her lips clamped tight, her body rigid, but showing all the signs of complete physical prostration - due to that nightmare walk, he was sure. When he thought of the state they had found her in..... He shook his head. He could only make a guess at the pain she was now holding in. But there was nothing he could do to ease it and he hoped she could sleep.

However, sleep would not come to Hilda. She drifted off into one restless doze after another through the rest of that long night, and all the next day. Not only her hideous thoughts, but the excruciating headache and bouts of nausea, forced her awake again and again. Though her head had hurt after the coach crash, there had been peaks and troughs, times when the pain reached an unendurable crescendo and times when it had eased. But this present pain was one long, endless torment.

She lay uncomplaining, silent, scarcely opening her eyes, even when examined by doctors or nurses, answering only in monosyllables when questioned – a prey to thoughts that, unknown to Jack and others, were destroying any chance of healing sleep or a quick recovery.

#12: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 9:24 pm

I must say I'm disappointed in the results of Jack's pondering here - I know he has (in his eyes at least) Hilda's own best interests at heart, but I do think he should tell her what he's pieced together about the accident and about Ian's condition. He should know Hilda well enough to know that when she's told nothing, her imagination will only work overtime, and the agitation will hamper her recovery - as it is doing!

I bet that nurse didn't even tell Jack that Hilda had been enquiring about Ian though, or Jack might have acted - after all, Hilda did make sure they sent help for Ian before collapsing in the first place.

Please let someone have enough sense to explain the situation to Hilda so she can relax enough to get some sleep even without the help of pain-killers.

And please don't leave *us* as well as Hilda, wondering about Ian for too much longer - we all *need* to know what's happened and are hoping for the best, though dreading the worst.

Thank you, Mary

#13: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 9:26 pm

This is a terrible vicious circle - something has to break that downward spiral or she will never get better. Crying or Very sad

Make everything right will you, Mary?

#14: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:40 pm

Oh goodness, please somebody say something to show her that Ian is doing ok!! Just lying there, in pain, nauseated, with her thoughts circling like a rat in a cage, unable to get better, unable to get any information. Jack, you know Hilda, you know what she is like - start thinking about her as a person, please.

Mary, this is so compelling....Thank you.

#15: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:24 am

In fairness to Jack, he probably doesn't realize that Hilda's so worried -- but he ought to know by now that "fine, fine" isn't an adequate answer for anyone, let alone someone who thinks as deeply as Hilda. Tell her! Or let Ian or Mother Abbess in to visit....

#16: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 12:24 pm

Argh...Mary what are you doing to us, and to poor Hilda. Please let up on this unbearable tension and let someone reassure her in a believeable way.

#17: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 12:40 pm

Oh dear - Hope the lack of communication is rectified soon Sad

Thanks Mary

Liz

#18: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 12:46 pm

Poor Hilda. Crying or Very sad

I do hope Jack and the rest of the staff realise very soon that Hilda needs to be told the truth, exactly how it is! What they actually need is Nell to tell them.... or.... hang on Mary, could Vivien perhaps come in here and tell them?

Please make everything better!

Thank you Mary. Smile

#19: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 9:48 pm

Is this who you all wanted to see? Rolling Eyes

Towards evening, as Hilda slowly roused from one of those short, restless sleeps, she pressed the heel of her palm into her forehead to try and crush the pain there, so intense was it. As she lay there fighting it, a low voice penetrated the mists. “Is it still very bad, sweetheart?”

Hilda’s hand stilled, and she was heard to mutter to herself, “Now I know I’m going crazy. Not just Nell’s voice, but Mother’s as well....”

A gentle laugh ensued, and a sweet voice whispered in her ear, “And I’ve told you before, Hilda, you’re far too sensible and down to earth to be crazy.”

“Mother?” whispered Hilda in wonder, and a whole panoply of emotions rocketed through her as very carefully she turned her head – to look straight into anxious green eyes. “I don’t believe it!”

“Oh Hilda, my dear child!” murmured Mother Abbess brokenly, looking fearfully at Hilda’s bruised and swollen face, her black eyes. “I’m scared to touch you, in case I hurt you.”

Hilda’s hand reached out and found the nun’s hand, squeezing it so tightly that Mother Abbess was frightened. “Hilda, love, what is it? Pain?”

“Tell me how he is,” whispered Hilda in desperation, her eyes pleading. “Please, tell me how he is.”

Mother Abbess gasped. “Ian?” she asked blankly. “He’s fine, Hilda. Better than you, if the truth be known. He has some broken ribs, from where the steering wheel caught him, and a broken ankle but other than that, nothing untoward. Just shock and extreme cold. He was very, very lucky, thanks to you and your courage.” At that point her hand was squeezed so hard she had to stop herself crying out. “Hilda, my dear, take it easy,” she said urgently. “What’s wrong? Shall I fetch a doctor?”

Hilda’s eyes were searching hers frantically. “If he’s fine, why are you here?” Her lips were trembling, her eyes full of dread. “You wouldn’t be allowed to come unless.....” She stopped and swallowed, unable to voice her fearful thoughts.

Suddenly realising why Hilda was so frantic, Mother Abbess stood up and leaned over the bed, stroking the unharmed cheek “My dear child, I assure you, Ian is not dead - or even seriously injured. He’s very much alive.” The dread did not disappear from Hilda’s bruised eyes and Mother Abbess knew she had to ease this tension. Immediately!

She took a deep breath and spoke tenderly as she cupped Hilda’s cheek in a gentle embrace. “Hilda, sweetheart, I’m here as much for you as for Ian. When we heard that both of you had been hurt, and that you were still unconscious, I was given permission to fly out. Ian is my brother, yes, but you are one of us, remember, and the doctors have been very worried about you, especially given the awful head injuries you suffered all those years ago. You’ve given them a couple of nasty scares in the last forty-eight hours, I might tell you.”

The frantic look faded a little, the breathing calmed down, and Hilda closed her eyes against the thudding in her head. Mother Abbess’s hand gently moved to stroke the burning forehead, and waited patiently. After a while, the eyes opened again, to look up at her speculatively, and the nun caught her breath, guessing intuitively what Hilda was asking. “Don’t you believe I would tell you the truth, Hilda?” she asked tenderly.

“Not if you thought I was too ill to be told,” whispered Hilda frankly.

Mother Abbess smiled and admitted a hit. “You know me far too well, sweetheart.” She took a deep breath and then spoke softly but firmly. “I’ll make you a solemn vow, daughter. I will always tell you the truth, no matter how painful it is or how unprepared you might be,” and she looked straight into Hilda’s eyes, her own steadfast.

Hilda looked back at her searchingly, and then her lips curved slightly in acknowledgement at what she saw in the nun’s face, and she relaxed her fierce grip of the nun’s cool hand. They did not know it then, but they were to remember that vow many months hence.

#20: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 9:59 pm

Yes, it was!!

Mary, how lovely and affirming that was, particularly for Hilda to be told that "you are one of us, remember,". Something that she needs to hear - that she is part of a community that will reach you to her in love and compassion, and that she will not always have the loneliness of the leader with which to contend.
And what a valuable promise, that she will always be given the truth - and how much she would prize it.

Thank you Very Happy

#21: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:04 pm

OK, Mary, now I know which of my (off board) guesses about who would reassure Hilda was correct. It's lovely to see MA again, and to hear her assure Hilda that Ian, in fact, (and, as I had more than half suspected) is, on the whole, in far better shape than Hilda herself is at this moment.

And thank goodness that MA could read Hilda's other unspoken question - clearly, once she heard that MA had been given special permission to visit both Ian and herself, she was wondering about whether she herself was going to survive. And without saying so in so many words, MA is clearly able to reassure her on this. Now, at last, Hilda should be able to focus on getting better, even though she may make slow progress there.

A truly satisfying scene, despite the fact that Hilda is clearly still so gravely ill. Thank you for easing our minds (and Hilda's) about Ian - just a shame that Jack's lack of sensitivity merely left her anxious for so long.

However, I do wonder what you are plotting for later, Mary - that last paragraph is positively doom-laden.

#22: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:08 pm

Thank you Mary

#23: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:44 pm

Nice little cliff there mary - you've been practising!

So glad Mother Abbess was able to reassure Hilda - now she can concentrate on healing herself.

Thank you.

#24: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:50 pm

Eeek! That last line is evil! I'm glad Mother Abbess has got here at last. And a wonderful promise, to tell Hilda the truth, always.

I'd missed yesterday's episode somehow, but now I'm quite relieved to have read those two together.

Thanks, Mary.

#25: New Dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:15 am

So very glad that Hilda is going to be able to find some peace and begin recovery - but she is finding it hard to trust people, even MA, isn't she! She's still determined to worry for the world; perhaps Nell needs to have a stern word.

As for that last comment ... 'however painful it is and however unprepared you might be' ... oh dear. Don't do this to us, Mary!

#26: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:52 am

Not just telling the truth (which had already been told), but telling it convincingly. Well done Mother Abbess.

Thanks Mary

Liz

#27: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:20 am

Mary - I did see this before now, but didnt manage to comment. I think this is a lovely scene, showing just how much help one who understands even a little can give to others. You need to have the time and the plain knowledge of how, but you also need to care enough.

Jack was too busy, the nurse didnt know Hilda enough to care, only Mother Abbess had what was needed to help out. Perhaps that has come from years of caring for and helping other adults, who were part of her community, either as visitors, or as her 'daughters'.

As for that last paragraph, I'm sure that Hilda will be pleased for the honesty avowed by MA, though it *does* speak of times being hard, and there may be times when Hilda partially regrets it.

Thanks Mary

#28: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:35 am

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw she was there, and then you knocked it out of me again with that last line! You are turning into a consumate plotter, have you been talking to Lesley? Wink

#29: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 2:35 pm

Thank you mary. i'm so glad that Hilda has been told properly. I hope Mother tells the San what she thinks of them for not telling Hilda before!

I amhoping that the last line indicates something happy!

#30: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:39 pm

Thank you Mary. I'm so glad Mother Abbess has turned up and set Hilda straight. Hopefully her recovery will be much swifter now.

#31: Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:53 pm

Hurrah for Mother Abbess! And hurrah for Mary - that last line means we're going to get many months more of this Very Happy

#32: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:54 pm

Pat wrote:

I hope Mother tells the San what she thinks of them for not telling Hilda before!

Oh she does, Pat - just not tonight! Very Happy

She thinks Hilda herself is more important at this point!

Catherine, are you mad? Shocked

Do you really want it to go on and on....?

I am so glad you were all pleased to see Mother Abbesss back. If I could manage it, she would take up permanent residence at the CS. Rolling Eyes

Mother Abbess stirred and she asked gently, “But, Hilda, why didn’t you ask someone about Ian?”

“I did!” Hilda’s voice caught on a sob and she closed her eyes. “I asked several times, but all they would say was that he was fine and then talked about me and how I was, as though they were putting me off, and in the end I gave up because I thought....”

“Because you thought he was dead or badly injured and couldn’t face it,” finished the nun, her voice soft with understanding. “But there’s something else as well, isn’t there, daughter? The doctors have told me how silent you have been and how you can’t sleep. It’s guilt, isn’t it? You’re blaming yourself for the crash, because you think you upset Ian. But you couldn’t tell that to the doctors, could you? It would reveal too much about Ian, about his love for you. And knowing you as I do, if you thought he was dead, you were worrying about me too. About how I might be feeling. Am I right?”

She waited a beat, and getting no response, added softly, “As usual, you’ve put everybody else’s feelings before your own, even in your pain, and you’ve suffered because of it.”

Hilda’s eyes opened again and Mother Abbess gasped, not only at the physical pain she saw reflected there, but the mental agony as well. Her hand was crushed again as Hilda whispered brokenly, “But it was all my fault.” Mother Abbess shook her head, but Hilda continued wildly, trying to make the nun understand.

“I told him my plans, took away any hope he had left about me. When I told him I was leaving....” Remembering Ian’s shock, she closed her eyes to gather her strength, then opened them again to face her friend bravely. “In the car he kept turning to look at me – he was so upset – and it was so windy – and looking at me instead of the road meant he lost control. He was so desperately trying to understand. I shouldn’t have let him drive.... or I should have told him more gently.”

She ran down and Mother Abbess was aghast. Hilda’s very nails were digging into the nun’s hand and her eyes were once more frantic, her breath ragged. With a pang in her heart, Mother Abbess realised that her own sudden appearance, allied to Hilda’s shock and pain and guilt, had totally shattered this strong woman’s equilibrium and self-control. And yet, when she had been shot all those months ago, she had not lost one iota of her self-restraint!

The nun reflected that Hilda had also had the worry about telling Ian her plans, and it must have been a very stressful evening for her. And on top of that, Nancy had phoned recently and told Mother Abbess all about Kathie’s behaviour over the play. Poor Hilda! She was having too much thrown at her while she was still coping with her own grief.

“Hilda, Hilda, calm down!” she said now, very gently but very firmly. “It was not your fault. Ian’s a big lad. He should have known better. He knew the weather conditions – he’s lived here long enough. He should have taken more care, no matter how upset he was.”

But Hilda’s guilt would not be assuaged so easily. “He was heartbroken. I should have given him more time to...”

“Sweetheart, stop it!” Mother Abbess’s voice was commanding now. “Ian himself has told me how stupid he was! He says he will never forgive himself for the crash and what it has done to you. A little guilt won’t hurt him,” she said tartly, for she was very, very angry with her brother. “It might remind him to take more care in future. Especially of someone he purports to love! But you must not lay this on yourself, dear. You really don’t have the strength right this minute. And getting worked up is not going to help, now, is it?” she asked sternly.

Hilda closed her eyes wearily and the nun could make a guess at how bad the pain was. She softened her voice. “Ian has also told me all you said to him. My dear, I need to thank you.” Hilda’s eyes opened to gaze up at the nun in bewilderment. “Not only did you break your own news as gently as you could, in your own loving way, and somehow convince him that you were doing it for all the right reasons, you did something I have been unable to do, despite all my best efforts.”

“But I didn’t do anything except break his heart,” whispered Hilda.

“Not true, love. You broke through his feelings of worthlessness. You somehow managed to find the right words to give him back some of his self-respect.” She bent lower until she was almost touching Hilda and spoke with a world of love in her face and voice. “Hilda, if ever you feel you do nothing for me, just remind yourself of my words now. I owe you a tremendous debt, for I love my brother very dearly, and it has always hurt me to see him so convinced of his failure. As I keep telling you, sweetheart, you give so much more than you ever receive.”

Hilda lay looking up at this formidable woman who had so challenged and nurtured her, and then lifted a hand to catch the tears that had escaped the loving green eyes. She tried to smile but suddenly the effort was too much against the pain. Her hand fell away and her eyes closed again, but Mother Abbess could see the furrowed brow, could feel the tension still present in Hilda's slender frame. She leaned even lower to kiss the white cheek.

“Don’t go away, my dear. I’ll be back very shortly.”

#33: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:11 pm

Only MA could have seen beyond Hilda's uncertainty over Ian and her physical hurts to the mental anguish which was paralysing her and which she could not share with the doctors - and cut right to the heart of the matter.

And only she could have found the one thing which at this point might rouse Hilda, explaining how much her words, which, though they hurt Ian, finally cut through his lack of sense of self-worth which had hampered him for so long, and as a result, what a great thing Hilda has done for MA herself. Sorry, that sentence is complicated, but I'm sure you know what I mean - or at least you do now I've added the word 'lack'; I thought there was something missing there!

Thanks, Mary - looking forward to more of this whenever you have time - and yes, ND could continue for ever so far as I am concerned, too!!

Last edited by Elder in Ontario on Wed Nov 16, 2005 10:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

#34: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:16 pm

Agree with Elder here, Mary, it is very fortunate that Hilda has Mother Abbess - because otherwise I think she would have stayed in that destructive spiral and may never have recovered. The nun is a very perceptive lady - just what Hilda needs.

Thank you. Kiss

#35: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:30 pm

How exactly right that is - that compassion that is nurturing and also clear-sighted. How well MA knows Hilda and knows just how to reach her and reassure her. And perhaps, just perhaps. now that all this has been said. Hilda can let her grief and pain go and start to recover.

And happy St Hilda's Day everyone! Very Happy

#36: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:38 pm

Oh Mary! What a fantastic scene. I was watching that take place before my eyes. I marvel anew at the perceptiveness of MA. Not only does she know enough to ask Hilda what's up, she guesses at somethign further, that Hilda has not mentioned and she is spot on. And then she is able to answer this hidden fear, in such a way that Hilda cannot tell herself that she didnt mean it.

Those words of thanks at the end, where she links Hilda's explaining the reasons behind what she is doing to giving Ian back his self esteem. I don't think it's possible for Hilda to look on her own actions and be self depreciating about them

Mary, this ranks up with some of your best scenes - there are too many to mention them all, but the humor of the gypsey, the beauty of the butterflies, and the rescue that Vivien made are amongst them as far as I can see.

The situation is just so touching, their is so much difficulty in it all, but what shines through all of the seriousness of the conversation is love, and trust. The love of MA for her daughter, and that daughters trust in what she says.

Thank you Mary - superb.

Oh, and while I think about it -

1, start a convent at the school, that would keep MA there!
2, I'll certainly be following and reading for as long as you have the patience to go on writing and typing!

#37: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 10:29 pm

Fabulous, Mary. Mother Abbess was just perfect there. Thank you.

I loved the way she told Hilda that she had done just the right thing with Ian. But I love this part:

Quote:

A little guilt won’t hurt him,” she said tartly, for she was very, very angry with her brother.

What a lovely reminder of her humanity! Very Happy

And Mary, if CatherineS is mad, then we all are, for we all would love to see many more months of this! Smile

#38: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:30 pm

Yay for MA! So perceptive!

And Mary, we'll all go on reading for as long as you carry on writing! This is great.

#39: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:43 pm

Seconding Squirrel's idea of a convent at the school! I'd love to see more of Mother Abbess.

Thank you, Mary

#40: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 5:49 pm

Thanks Mary

Any chance some of Vivien's butterflies can make it to the hospital room?

Liz

#41: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:10 pm

LizB wrote:

Any chance some of Vivien's butterflies can make it to the hospital room?

Patience, Liz. Laughing

All in good time - my good time! Embarassed

And now I know you are all mad. Shocked

I promised you two years before Hilda enters - need I remind you we're only into the seventh month? But thank you for the much-needed vote of confidence. Embarassed

Exiting the room, Mother Abbess made her way to Jack Maynard’s office close by. She had only been at the San a few hours, but already she had learned her way around. When her knock was answered, she entered swiftly and Jack stood up when he saw who it was. He came round the desk to offer her a chair but she was in too much of a hurry for the niceties.

“Dr Maynard, why has no one taken my brother to see Hilda?”

Jack stopped at the abrupt question and looked at her sharply, a frown on his face. “I don’t know what you mean. Why should they have done?”

Her voice was sharp as she answered him. “Because she is beside herself with worry about him. Because she thought he was dead or seriously injured; because she thinks the accident was all her fault; because she was worried about me. Are those good enough reasons? Or shall I give you some more?”

“What?” cried Jack. “But we told her......”

“But she didn’t believe you,” insisted the nun. “She asked, but you all kept fobbing her off, so she feared the worst. No one took the time to tell her what his injuries were.”

Jack shook his head and walked to the window, to stand watching the strong wind playing havoc with the trees and bushes, blowing people along before it. “She’s said so little the last twenty-four hours. She did ask several times about Ian, but she seemed to accept what we said.”

“But you didn’t say anything, except that he was fine, and then talked about her, as though you were fobbing her off, hiding something. I know you have been seriously concerned about her, but she needed reassurance about my brother, she needed the details to allay her fears. She was silent because suddenly she became afraid for him – and for me,” she added sadly.

“And was feeling too ill to insist and face the truth,” he whispered. “She’s just lain there uncomplaining, asking for nothing; though I did wonder why she couldn’t sleep and why her condition didn’t improve. She wouldn’t even let Gwynneth and Nancy stay with her when they came to visit. She told them the school needed them more than she did. Granted, Gwynneth wanted to stay – told me she felt Hilda was hiding something.”

“She was hiding something! She was hiding her very real fears!” said Mother Abbess tartly. “Thank God someone around here understands her! Beneath that silence she was frantic.”

Jack swung round from the window. “I should have known better, shouldn’t I? I’ve known her long enough. But I was so worried about her physical condition – and I couldn’t see past that. As I’ve told you, she was very near to joining Nell. We were that close to losing her.”

The nun nodded, her eyes fierce. “Yes, you should have known better after all the years. She keeps a tight rein on those emotions, tries to suppress them. She thinks it unseemly that others should see her vulnerability. And how many people around here bother to dig deep where she is concerned? You all put her on that pedestal she hates so much, and no longer see the real woman.”

The nun knew she was being unfair but her anxiety for Hilda was driving her on. “She was so worried, so scared – why could no one except Gwynneth see any of that?”

But even as she asked, Mother Abbess knew the answer. Hilda had been hiding again. When she felt herself getting nowhere, she had not pressed too hard, out of fear of breaking down, of revealing too much. So she had gone inside herself, to that deep well of courage at her core, to cope silently, and alone, with her physical pain and with her feelings of despair.

Oh Nell, where are you when she needs you so? Please show me the way to help her.

#42: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:21 pm

Hmmmm - I don't think that Mother Abbess was being unfair - I think her words to Jack were perfectly warrented. He failed in his job because he forgot one of the major things, as did the rest of his staff. Hopefully they will learn enought that they will not put anyone else through this kind of emotional purgatory.

Yes, admittedly, Hilda is good at hiding her feelings, but at that, they should know that people would be worried, and would assume the worst if they didnt answer and be definate about their answers.

Well done Mother Abbess!

Thanks Mary - oh, and by the way - there are some things which I will accept being told that I am mad about, but I know that I am being completely rational when I tell you that "I want more and I always will"!

#43: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:23 pm

Quote:

And now I know you are all mad. Shocked

I promised you two years before Hilda enters - need I remind you we're only into the seventh month? But thank you for the much-needed vote of confidence. Embarassed

[/color]

No we aren't mad, Mary, just making sure that you know we definitely want this to continue for as long as possible!!

Oh boy, I wouldn't want to have been in Jack Maynard's shoes during that interview - he must have felt about 6 inches tall when MA had finished with him! But the encounter was well worth waiting for.

Quote:

But even as she asked, Mother Abbess knew the answer. Hilda had been hiding again. When she felt herself getting nowhere, she had not pressed too hard, out of fear of breaking down, of revealing too much. So she had gone inside herself, to that deep well of courage at her core, to cope silently, and alone, with her physical pain and with her feelings of despair.

Quote:

Oh Nell, where are you when she needs you so? Please show me the way to help her.

[/quote]

Doesn't MA realise she has already done what no-one else had done to date - managed to reach Hilda's innermost fears and soothe them. But I do love the way *she* is asking for a sign from Nell of the best way to help Hilda, nevertheless. A brilliant touch, Mary. Thank you.

#44: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:47 pm

Good to see Jack put in his place over this, he should have listened to Matey. Most of them just don't seem to see past Hilda the all wise head and see her for herself. At least Matey and MA can and do.

#45: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:14 pm

Gulp! Poor Hilda. Thank goodness MA is here and telling her the truth AND sorting out Jack (and incidentally, that was quite a lecture she gave him). That last line was rather poignant....

Thank you, Mary.

#46: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:17 pm

Yes Jack deserved that - the amount of time he's known her, and especially knowing what she went through when Nell first died - he's not done his job properly.

Gwynneth should have insisted - perhaps another time she will.

Love that MA is also speaking to Nell.

Thank you Mary.

#47: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:46 pm

Poor Jack - he must have had so much to concentrate on keeping her alive, trying to heal her injured body it's understandable that he missed the mental anguish she has become so adept at hiding. But good that Mother Abbess drew it to his attention - I think it's not a mistake he'll make again.

Thanks Mary

Liz

#48: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:56 pm

I can understand that Jack missed this to start with, but he should have started thinking a lot harder when it was plain that thingw weren't going to plan!
No, MA isn't being unfair - she had to shock him to get him to pay attention. And Gwynneth was right - even though Jack didn't listen to her!

How well Hilda's friends understand her and how much they can give her and do for her. And what a lovely last line ....

Oh, and am definitely not mad, Mary - well, not about this anyway! Very Happy

#49: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:26 am

And what made it even more difficult for Hilda was needing to keep Ian's confidence as well - the 'revealing too much' would have involved his feelings as well as her own. The fact that she is able to consider him in the state she's in speaks for itself. So it's only MA whom she could let in. But doesn't it illustrate her aloneness without Nell. Thank goodness for MA. It is, indeed, lovely that she's talking to Nell too!

Mary, I'd forgotten about the two years - it makes me feel much better. I think I qualify to join the ranks of the mad, as I'm sitting here thinking about this at 12.30 at night, when all good girls should be a-bed.

#50: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:16 pm

Thank you Mary. Jack needed to hear all that! I'm joining the ranks of the 'mad', waiting for more.

#51: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:28 pm

Jack deserved that. And I would NOT like to get on the wrong side of Mother Abbess. Hopefully Jack won't make the same mistak again. Int he vain hope that he won't have the chance with Hilda...

Thank you Mary!

#52: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:05 pm

Oh poor, poor Hilda.
I'm also glad MA is there.
Thank you Mary

#53: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 10:41 pm

Just brilliant Mary. Caught up on a few days' posts and am delighted to see MA back again - though worried about the promise in the months to come (I have my suspicions but am probably wrong - again)

#54: Re: new dreams Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:22 pm

Tara wrote:

Mary, I'd forgotten about the two years - it makes me feel much better. I think I qualify to join the ranks of the mad

Total insanity springs to mind, Tara, Laughing

but thank you all for the flowers.

And MA hasn't quite finished with Jack, as we shall see later on. Shocked

Hilda, meanwhile, lay quietly trying to contain the pain, feeling vast relief in her heart that Ian was safe, and a deep gratitude to God for Mother Abbess’s presence. How much she had longed for this woman since the summer – longed to bask in her wisdom, her love, her deep faith, longed for that sense of safety Mother gave her, safety she thought gone for ever when Nell died.

Dragged from her deep thoughts by the sound of the door opening, Hilda turned her head cautiously – to see a wheelchair being pushed in by Jack, Mother Abbess following on behind. But Hilda had eyes only for the man in the chair, his leg in plaster, cuts and bruises on his wan, tired-looking face. He held himself stiffly upright, to keep at bay the pain from his broken ribs. Ian, in his turn, had eyes only for the woman lying in the narrow hospital bed, the woman he loved and whom he had come so close to killing.

“Ian?” Hilda whispered thankfully, as he was wheeled to the bed and reached out to hold her hand. “Oh God, Ian, I thought you were dead…. or lying badly injured somewhere…… all I kept seeing was the car…. hurtling down the hill….. the tree….. it was all my fault, Ian ….. all my fault ….. I should never have upset you.”

Her words tumbled over themselves, her voice a broken whisper, her breathing once more ragged, and she grasped his hand fiercely. Jack was horrified. Now he understood the force of Mother Abbess’s words. Why had he not realised how distraught Hilda was? But he knew well that iron self-control, though it did seem to have deserted her right this moment. He had never seen her like this in all the years he had known her, even after she had been held up at gunpoint in her study.

Ian was squeezing Hilda’s hand, taking in the battered appearance, and shuddering. He saw the cradle over her feet, to protect them from the weight of the bedclothes, and remembered what he had been told – her feet cut to ribbons in her search of help for him. He shuddered again.

How had she managed to walk anywhere in this condition, in that dark and cold? The thought of how far she had walked, as told to him by Jack, had only heightened his love and his guilt. He was the one who had put her here in this bed; she was suffering for his foolhardiness. Kate had made her feelings about his stupidity very plain indeed!

He spoke gently now, trying to calm and reassure. “Hey, hey, I’m fine. I’m tough as old boots. It wasn’t your fault at all, Hilda, it was all my own blasted stupidity. I’m the one who should be lying there, not you. I should be taken out and shot. Kate has told me what…..”

He stopped, horrified. As he had been talking, her eyes had suddenly gone completely blank, her mouth dropping open as though from shock. “Hilda, what is it?” he asked roughly, his eyes flying to Jack.

The next instant they all heard Hilda moan softly and saw her press her hand to her forehead. She moaned again, her eyes now tightly closed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Even as Jack leapt to her side and pressed a bell, there came a sob and then tears were streaming involuntarily down her face. Jack’s hand found her pulse and he looked anxiously over at Mother Abbess, who was standing with her hand over her mouth, fear in her green eyes.

“Hilda, tell me what’s wrong!” demanded Jack. Her pulse was frantic beneath her fingers. There was no response from Hilda, but as two nurses burst in, she suddenly rolled on her side and buried her face in her pillow, and they watched fearfully as her hand gripped the pillow so tightly the knuckles turned white.

“One of you, get Mr Stuart back to his room,” barked Jack. “The other, get some ice, quickly!”

As Ian was wheeled away, turning his head frantically to see what was happening to Hilda, his sister crept to the bed and rested her hand lightly on Hilda’s rigid body.

“Mother Abbess, I think you should….” began Jack.

“I’m staying,” she said quietly, and Jack recognised the finality of her tone. She would have to be picked up and carried out bodily if he wanted her gone. He nodded and leaned over Hilda, whose moans had stopped but whose body was still rigid.

“Hilda, you must tell me what’s wrong. I can see you’re in agony, but I need to know if it’s the pain you’ve had up until now – or a different kind of pain?”

No answer. The pain was too bad. Mother Abbess decided it was time to intervene. Keeping one hand on Hilda’s back, she placed her other gently over Hilda’s tightly clenched one, then spoke quietly but very clearly. “Hilda, child, you must answer Dr Maynard. Let me put the question a different way, and you move your hand if the answer is “yes”. Is this pain different from before?” The clenched hand was still. “Okay, sweetheart. Then is it the same pain? Has it just suddenly grown worse?”

This time, just for a second, the hand moved in hers infinitesimally. She nodded up at Jack, whose anxiety eased a fraction. What authority in that voice, he reflected. She used it exactly the same way as Hilda used hers – quietly yet compellingly.

The door opened and the nurse entered with a padded ice pack. Jack leaned over Hilda again. “Hilda, can you possibly turn over? This ice pack might help.” But Hilda’s body remained rigid, her face hidden. Mother Abbess lightly caressed the tangled brown hair.

“Leave her, Jack,” she said softly, totally unaware she had left formality behind in her anxiety. “Let her cope in her own way.”

After a long silence, Jack said quietly, a frown on his pleasant face, “I think I need to do some more tests and X-rays.”

Mother Abbess lifted her eyes from Hilda, though her hand remained in contact, assuring her she was still there. “Surely you can’t move her in this condition?”

He shook his head. “No, we’ve got mobile machines as well. But maybe I need to recall the neurosurgeon from Berne. ”

She nodded in understanding, but then looked down at Hilda again to hide from Jack the mushrooming of her own fear at his words. Suddenly, for some reason, her intuition kicked in. She said slowly, softly, “It had something to do with Ian….the sight of him, his words….” She looked back up at Jack. “Is her memory of that dreadful walk returning, do you think?”

Quiet though the words were, they clearly penetrated the pain, for a long tremor ran through the body beneath her hand. She and Jack stared at each other across the bed. Something was very obviously disturbing Hilda….

#55: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:36 pm

Oh heck! Mary this is just one long series of cliffs, and very bad for my nerves. Please let it all get resolved soon. I'm looking for clues on what Ian was saying before Hilda's collapse, because somethig has upset her so badly.

Thank you.

More soon please, or there may be chanting.

#56: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 4:09 pm

Oh Poor Hilda, poor all of them. In some ways it's going to feel to MA and to Jack like they try to make things better for Hilda, and only make them worse. Then on the other hand, does this need to get worse before it can get better? What on earth has affected her so badly? Why do I get the feeling that it's probably so simple that it's been overlooked?

And poor Ian, not only havign to be rushed from the room like that, but knowing how much hurt there has been caused here. This can't have been easy for him either. Especially seeing that he only seems to think More of Hilda now.

Thanks Mary, will be very interested to see how this continues.

#57: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 4:12 pm

Right I'm going to cry soon. Poor Hilda. Crying or Very sad

She doesn't deserve this - but it is compelling reading.

Thank you Mary.

#58: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 4:21 pm

Well, you've definitely left us on a cliff of unanswered questions here, Mary. Here's my take, for what it's worth. And probably all of my guesses are wrong, too.

Either the memory of that dreadful walk is returning, and the pain of her feet is surpassing the pain in her head and face or Ian's comment about being taken out and shot has triggered a memory of the shooting incident in Redheads, or, more probably, of the one when Hilda was at the convent in the Summer. Could it even have triggered a flashback to the scene in 'Return' where Nell finally told her all that had happened to her?

Whatever it is, if MA can get Hilda to tell them, even with a hand movement in response to her questions, which it is, she can be reassured and comforted. I *think* I'm correct in thinking that this particular pain probably *is* more mental than physical, am I not?

But it's lovely to see MA at her most masterful here, both with Hilda, who certainly needs it as well as the strength of her love, and with Jack, who most certainly deserves it. Wonderful!!

Please, Mary, if you love us, don't leave us hanging over this precipice for too long.

#59: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:03 pm

Help! Mary, don't do this to us! I'm not used to cliffs, and I'm getting very bruised.

I'm with Elder on this (it's comforting to be wrong in company). I, too, think it's the 'taken out and shot' phrase that's been the trigger. Might it refer to Ian's own war experiences in Dunkirk and Poland?? Hilda is likely to be more distressed at churning up awful memories for him than for herself - though she certainly has enough shooting ones to be going on with. I, too, get the impression that this is mental as much as physical - perhaps ... ????

Feel sorry for Ian after all, glad that MA has insisted on staying, and am terrified for Hilda.

Pleads for mercy and a swift end to the suspense.

#60: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:10 pm

Elder, I thought it might be a 'shooting flashback' too. See the potential clue in an earlier paragraph Wink

:
He had never seen her like this in all the years he had known her, even after she had been held up at gunpoint in her study.

Thank you Mary. I've just caught up on two posts, and am so glad to see Jack put right about the way he had fobbed Hilda off. I can see how it happened, but I'm pleased he now knows the effect it was having on her.

I am now sitting here with the rest of the insane Wink

, waiting on tenterhooks to find out what is wrong with Hilda, and how she can be helped.

#61: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 12:02 am

*nudges Helen*

Is there space for me next to you there?

Thanks Mary Crying or Very sad

Liz

#62: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 10:03 am

Oh, poor Hilda! Something triggered that response, and if it's the memory of that agonising walk combined with pain, plus the relief of knowing that Ian is safe, I can understand it...but just how much can she stand? And is there an underlying physical reason?

And MA is her lovely understanding self, and seems to know how to reach Hilda.

Oh, and the fact that she "longed for that sense of safety Mother gave her, safety she thought gone for ever when Nell died." just broke my heart...

Lovely, Mary!

Edited because I am incapable of spelling after two glasses of wine.

#63: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:17 pm

Thank you for this, Mary .

Now that I have "caught up", I just want to say that I have found it all immensely moving and so lovingly written.
It must surely be emotionally draining to write about such a hard topic ?

I am *really* looking forward to the next update !

#64: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:16 pm

Finally I've caught up again. Poor Hilda, am very glad MA is there for her but wanting to know she'll be ok...

Thank you Mary.

#65: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:36 pm

I did enjoy watching you all search for clues as to why Hilda suddenly feels so much worse. Especially as Ian's words about being shot were a totally unintentional red herring on my part. Laughing

.........a long tremor ran through the body beneath her hand. She and Jack stared at each other across the bed. Something was very obviously disturbing Hilda......

Hilda’s body stilled again as Mother Abbess stroked her hair gently, and the latter spoke again quietly. “Can’t you give her something for the pain? She’s clearly had some sort of shock.”

Jack shook his head and ran his hands anxiously through his hair. “I daren’t. I need to know how the pain is. Masking it or dulling it could be dangerous if it changes in some way.”

Mother Abbess’s heart ached for Hilda. First Nell, then the shooting, now this…..

What are You doing, Lord? You told her to lean on You. You promised her Your help. Is this it? Then I’m afraid I don’t think much of it!

Gradually, however, she became aware that the rigidity of Hilda’s body was passing. The nun waited a few more minutes and then spoke calmly. “Hilda, are you able to roll over now, my dear?”

Hilda’s head slowly turned on the pillow and Jack and Mother Abbess carefully rolled her over. But as they did so, they gasped – there was blood on the pillow and on Hilda’s face. She had bitten through her lip in an effort to hold in the pain. Not only that, but there were new lines in her face, and the tear tracks were all too evident.

With a quiet sob, Hilda pressed the heel of her hand again deeply into her forehead. That searing pain which had enveloped her at the sight of Ian had lessened only fractionally – it was all but unbearable. Truly a crown of thorns, she thought dully, while Mother Abbess just felt terrified; this pain must surely be torture, for Hilda to give way as she was doing.

Jack leaned over Hilda and spoke quietly. “Hilda, try this on that poor head.” For a few minutes the pain was clearly intensified by the ice pack, to judge by the way her lips compressed and her hands balled into fists, but eventually she relaxed a little as the cold penetrated and soothed. Jack fetched a cloth and gently wiped the blood and tear stains.

“I don’t think you’ll need a stitch in this, Hilda, but it’s very swollen and is going to hurt for a while,” said Jack, as he then laid his fingers on her wrist.

What’s one more hurt, Hilda thought wearily to herself, unaware the others were watching her warily. But as the searing pain lessened a little more, the lost memories, which had been brought back by the sight of Ian, came bubbling up to the surface – that terrifying and stumbling walk in the dark, stopping to be sick time and time again, holding her head against the pain that had threatened to overwhelm her before she could get help. And they had overwhelmed her! She had lain there on the road and been unable to get back on her feet - she must have lost consciousness in the end for she could remember nothing else.

So how had Ian been saved? Who had found him? She could feel a scream rising within her as she realised how she had failed. It had all been for nothing. She had let Ian down. He could have died because she had not been brave enough…..

Opening her eyes with an enormous effort, she turned her head towards Mother Abbess, standing there so patiently and so anxiously. “Mother…..” she whispered, asking aid from the only person who now seemed to understand her, the only person to whom she could reveal herself and not be judged. Hearing the desperation in the whisper, the nun looked into Hilda’s eyes, dark with pain, and saw the pleading there, the silent cry for help.

#66: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:43 pm

Oh how cruel! The one part of that trip she needed to recall and she's lost it - please God let someone tell her that she didn't fail, that she was brave enough. Crying or Very sad

Thank you Mary - especially as I know you and your modem aren't on speaking terms at the moment! Laughing

#67: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:48 pm

Oh Poor Poor Hilda *wraps her up in a certain blanket*. She has remembered part of what happened, but not all of it, her memory has fallen short and she feels so guilty again, just as she was beginning to feel happier about it all. I hope she is soon able to confide a little more, because I don't think that Mother Abbess has enough awareness to be able to comfort her without some more guidance as to what the problem is.

Thanks Mary.

#68: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:29 pm

OH dear, why *do* things like this happen - just as Hilda was feeling a little more reassured, the most important part of her memory of the incident fails her - who *did* find help for Ian? No wonder she is still agitated. Please, someone, tell her that she really did manage to accomplish this before collapsing completely.

Thanks, Mary - I'm really glad you managed to get on here and post in between computer crashes.

#69: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:52 pm

Oh poor Hilda. All that pain and despair and confusion, and the agonising sense of remorse. And the longer that she feels this, the harder it is going to be for her to understand that she didn't fail. To say nothing of the way her physical recovery will be slowed - if it progresses at all.

Loved MA's caustic little aside to God!

Thank you Mary - I know just how you feel about modem/server problems...!

#70: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:53 pm

Quick, somebody tell Hilda that she did make it, and it was entirely because of her that Ian wa saved! How about Joey and her much-vaunted compassion?

Thanks, Mary. *Pokes modem.*

#71: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:00 pm

Dear, brave, loving Hilda, no-one is judging you except yourself!

How hard on herself can she continue to be? This level of self-flagellation would be self-indulgent if she weren't so ill and we weren't so wracked with distress for her. I feel for MA, with the responsibility of alleviating this awful grief and no means at the moment of finding out what's causing it.

Hope computer behaves itself soon, Mary.

#72: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:00 am

Thanks Mary

Hope that someone will fill in the memory gaps soon

Liz

#73: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 4:27 am

Poor Hilda .... Quick, let her know she did bring help! Thank goodness she feels she can confide in Mother Abbess.... Doubtless M.A. will have a lot more to say on the underlying attitudes when Hilda's back in her right mind, but for now the priority has to be the immediate crisis.

Oh, and as soon as Hilda stabilizes (she will, won't she? please?), Ian's also going to need a little counseling.... Not a great way to have to leave someone over whom he already feels enormous guilt.

(Who, me? Lacking patience?)
(Thank you, Mary!)

#74: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:55 am

Hope someone can tell her what happened soon and bring some peace...

Thank you Mary.

#75: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:20 am

Oh poor poor Hilda. Crying or Very sad

Thanks Mary

#76: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:39 pm

Everything I could say has already been said. This is such a painful place to be, recalling some and thinking it is all, and yet forgetting the very bit she needs.

#77: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:23 pm

.....Hearing the desperation in the whisper, the nun looked into Hilda’s eyes, dark with pain, and saw the pleading there, a silent cry for help.

Grasping one of Hilda’s hands reassuringly, she lifted her head to speak softly across the bed. “Jack, can you leave us alone for a while?”

Jack’s eyebrows shot up, and then, looking down at Hilda, something in her face decided him. Quietly he left the room. Mother Abbess went to the door and opened it. Seeing Jack had placed a Do Not Disturb sign on the handle, she closed the door again, and pulled the curtain across the small window there.

Going back to the bed, she kicked off her shoes and lowered herself on the bed to lie beside Hilda. Trying not to hurt her, but knowing she must be, she put an arm cautiously under her shoulders and drew her close, so the aching head was nestled against her chest.

“Tell me, Hilda. Spill it out before that scream erupts.” Her tone was tender but authoritative, the voice which had counselled so many in their hour of need, had counselled Hilda herself.

Nestling even closer, like a chick safe under its mother’s wing, her voice muffled by Mother Abbess’s habit, she poured it all out in short, desperate spurts, almost unintelligible at times – this woman who was always so very much in control of herself, so calm and serene, now pushed beyond endurance by her experiences.

With deep pain in her heart, Mother Abbess saw the vivid images – the unwillingness to leave Ian alone in the dark, the desperate walk to find help, the pain, the cold, the sickness, the urge to lie down and let go.

I may never forgive you, Lord, for allowing my own brother to do this to her.

“But I failed!” Hilda whispered with a sob. “I just lay down and stayed there….I couldn’t get … up again….How did anyone find him? He could have died because I had nothing left….”

Mother Abbess forced her tears back and gathered Hilda closer still, one hand soothing the tangled brown locks. “You had plenty left, believe me! You didn’t fail, sweetheart. Somehow you did get up again and just kept going – don’t ask me how – until you met the Maynards. Don’t you remember?” The head nestled against her turned upwards and Hilda’s gaze locked onto the nun’s, as she drank in the words that were relieving her of a great burden.

“Oh yes, as you stumbled down that road, they found you – they had also been out that night. You managed to tell them everything – and then you collapsed. You didn’t fail, my daughter, you saved Ian’s life, at no small risk to your own. He would have died there from cold had you not come round and made that nightmare journey. Tell me, do your feet hurt, sweetheart?” she asked gently.

Hilda’s head moved slightly in agreement, but the nun could see the query in her eyes at this apparent non sequitur. “Dear child, you lost your shoes - and walked down that road in your stockinged feet. How? God alone knows that – it makes me shudder even to think about it. They had to work on those feet of yours for over two hours because they were in such a state. You won’t be walking anywhere for a while, let me tell you, not without pain.”

Mother Abbess had to stop the swallow the lump in her throat as Hilda still gazed up at her, her eyes now calmer as she was told the truth of what had happened. Mother Abbess smiled down at her, a world of love in her own eyes, and, at that love, Hilda once more buried her face in the nun’s habit. Mother Abbess held her tight and whispered, “You were so brave, darling, so very brave; don’t ever doubt that. And you nearly paid for it with your life. You came very close to joining your beloved Nell – so very, very close….”

Her voice broke finally and she had to pause. How could someone with such indomitable courage and inner resources ever doubt herself?

Struggling for composure, she managed to carry on talking, quietly, soothingly, telling Hilda the details of just how courageous she had been, and how they had rescued Ian. As the message slowly sank in, the tense body in her arms slowly relaxed. But then suddenly, that slender body was shaking, as silent sobs overcame Hilda. Sheer relief, reflected the nun. These were tears that had needed shedding long before now. She continued to stroke the soft hair gently and began to croon softly, as though holding a hurt child – which is exactly what Hilda was to her, she realised with a pang.

However, the mute sobs soon ceased as exhaustion and pain took over, and Hilda drifted off to sleep in the loving arms – not Nell’s arms, but they would do for the moment. They were arms that had held her so many times and offered her some feeling of that safety she had lost with Nell’s death.

Oh, my Hilda, He is sorely trying you at the moment, isn’t He? How much He is expecting of you. However, He and I both know you will overcome – but Hilda, you must not raise that drawbridge again, after all your hard work these last months. That would be a disaster.

Holding Hilda as tightly as she could, as though to let her know even in her sleep that someone was there for her, cherishing her, Mother Abbess let her own eyes close, tired as she was by the journey out here and her anxiety over Ian and Hilda.

#78: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:35 pm

What beautiful writing, Mary, thank you.

#79: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:41 pm

Quote:

Holding Hilda as tightly as she could, as though to let her know even in her sleep that someone was there for her, cherishing her ....

And thank goodness that MA was indeed there for her, to finally fill in the gaps in Hilda's own memory of that nightmare journey for help, and to assure her once and for all that she, and she alone, was responsible for Ian's being found and brought to the hospital. Someone *had* to tell Hilda this, and who better than the one who already regards her as her 'beloved daughter'.

Clearly we can't expect a miraculously swift recovery from all her physical hurts, but at least the fact that Hilda now has peace of mind about what happened will give her the strength which will aid it.

I'm so glad that MA already has enough 'authority' over Hilda that she could help her so much. Even though Hilda had to re-live her experience to some extent in retelling what she remembered, this was in many ways a very gentle scene, perhaps a foretaste of the healing process which can now begin.

Thank you as always, Mary - this was very moving.

#80: Author: Ella, Location: Staffordshire

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:39 pm

Thank you Mary! Very Happy

I'm still in awe, having been dropped over that cliff, and then forced to grovel around for the tissues once again. Embarassed

Amazing writing.
So glad the MA is there for Hilda.

#81: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:09 pm

Oh what an absolutely wondeful scene. Love Mother Abbess' calm authority - able to order Jack away and then take it upon herself to tell Hilda everything.

Poor Hilda is indeed being sorely tested - the only thing I can think of is that this testing is required, in the same way that steel needs to be placed in a furnace to 'temper' it. She must be expected to perform some truely magnificent deeds.

Thank you Mary.

#82: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:11 pm

What wisdom. I can say no more. MA is so wonderful here, and it is her wisdom which makes it. Thank you Mary, for reminding us again that empathy is one thing that we humans need. MA has not been through this particular thing herself, but she knows Hilda well enough to understand exactly what it is she is feeling.

#83: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 12:05 am

'You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.' How lovely to see Hilda's anguish calmed and comforted by knowing what really happened, and by realising that she did not fail in a seemingly impossible task.

MA's empathy is astonishing. She can hear that silent scream and respond to it - and the image of the chick sheltering under the hen's wing is so powerful. After all that Hilda has been through, this loving refuge is just what she needs.

So moving, Mary.

#84: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 1:58 am

Quote:

How could someone with such indomitable courage and inner resources ever doubt herself?

But at the end of it, the greater the resources, the more terrible the doubting can be. And MA knows this, and knows (bless her) what is needed to bring peace of mind to this "hurt child."

And to have Hilda know that

Quote:

even in her sleep that someone was there for her, cherishing her,

, was one of the most beautiful and loving things that MA could do for her.

And I still love the way she's cross with God!

Thank you Mary, this was wondrous!

And I've managed quote boxes!!! Very Happy

#85: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:05 am

Thank you, Mother Abbess! And Mary, of course.

#86: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:23 am

I am glad that Hilda has given MA that authority, and that it was exercised so firmly and so gently. Hopefully this will now help her to recover physically as well.

It certainly does seem as if Hilda is in training for even greater things.

#87: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 10:30 am

Thank you Mary.

Mother Abbess truely is a special woman.

#88: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 11:31 am

Thank you Mary - I am so, so glad that Hilda knows the truth about what she did at last.

Mother Abbess is exactly what Hilda needs (well, apart from Nell Crying or Very sad

). I am very glad she is there for her.

#89: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 11:59 am

Wonderful as always Mary.

Love this line:

Quote:

What are You doing, Lord? You told her to lean on You. You promised her Your help. Is this it? Then I’m afraid I don’t think much of it!

Reminds me of the line by Mother Julian of Norwich when her horse throws her during a thunderstorm: "If this is how you treat your friends Lord, its not suprising you don't have many!"

#90: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 1:48 pm

Thank you Mary Kiss

Liz

#91: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 7:42 pm

Thank you Mary - I went shooting over that cliff. I hope Hilda will be able to recover from this. I am SURE Hilda will recover. Just...don't make it too long coming, ok?

#92: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:21 pm

How on earth do I thank you all for the lovely appreciative comments above? Flowers indeed. Embarassed

I knew there was a reason I brought Mother Abbess back. Laughing

You all seem to have taken her to your hearts. Yes, Nell, she is a very *special woman*. And Cath and Ruth, I too love the way she takes the Lord (and Jack!) to task. Shocked

Lesley and Carolyn, even if Hilda were to perform *truly magnificent deeds" she would deny they were anything out of the ordinary. Wink

Some time later, Jack crept in to stand looking down at the two women. Mother Abbess’s arms were locked tight round Hilda’s thin frame, comforting, protecting – and Hilda was curled up against her, her face hidden. Never had he seen Hilda show such need, in all the years he had known her. He had only ever seen her answer others’ needs, his own included. Always there, always ready to help… But he had not answered her needs these last two days!

Coming back to himself, he realised with a start that the nun’s startling green eyes were open and watching him. Assessing him almost, he thought to himself, and he felt unaccountably nervous.

“Would you like me to help you lay her down?” he asked very quietly. “Your arms must be getting tired.”

Mother Abbess shook her head and tightened her arms even more, if that were possible. “I’d rather she woke up to some reassurance,” she answered equally softly, her hand moving to caress Hilda’s hair. “She’s still so desperately sad and lonely. She didn’t need this agony. I’m just so afraid it will bring all her grief back, with renewed intensity.”

“You’re a singular woman, Mother Abbess,” smiled Jack. “You calmly order me out of the room, you unhesitatingly climb on the bed to….”

She interrupted him firmly. “Singular measures were needed here. She was beside herself. No one had told her anything. What were you all thinking?” She glanced sadly down at Hilda. “And the worst of it is, only part of her memory has come back, which is why she was so upset before. At some point in that nightmare walk she must have collapsed – and she doesn’t remember getting up again and meeting you. She thought she’d failed, Jack, and was too scared to let anyone know, except me. Dear God! When does Hilda fail anyone?"

Jack’s blue eyes reflected shame as he faced the clear green ones. “She has such self-control, such self-discipline, that no one knows what she's thinking. And her physical condition was so bad I concentrated on that - and didn’t even consider her mental state.” He paused and his eyes rested on Hilda again. “I let her down badly, didn’t I?”

Mother Abbess nodded and spoke frankly. “Yes, you did, very badly. After all the years, as you said earlier. And you are a doctor. You should have known better. I’m just so glad I came! Otherwise I think you might very well have lost her in the end….” She swallowed and had to clear her throat before being able to continue, and when she did her tone was wry. “Don’t worry, Jack. She won’t blame you, only herself. She does a good line in guilt.”

He gasped, and then stared as she carried on unwaveringly, “Try to look at all your patient’s needs, Jack, not just their physical ailments. It will make you a much better doctor.”

Such frankness stunned him, but looking into her eyes he saw nothing accusatory there, only great clarity. He eyed her ruefully and a mischievous grin flitted across her freckled face for a moment as she read his thoughts, and then she sobered again and looked down at the brown head nestling so close.

“No, I’ll stay here. She needs me – although that’s not quite the truth. I’m guessing she needs Nell right this minute, but I’ll have to do,” she whispered softly.

Having met his match – indeed, more than his match – Jack unhooked the call button from the panel behind the bed and placed it near her. “Call us when she wakes,” he said quietly. “And, Mother Abbess, thank you. I think we ought to employ you, so you can sort us all out. It seems to me that everyone needs a Mother Abbess, not just Hilda.” He thought for a moment. “I suppose in a way, she has been our Abbess, since we all turn to her in our need. The girls named her well, didn’t they? Out of the mouths of babes….”

He turned to go, but as he reached the door quiet words floated back to her. “Take care of her. She’s very precious to us. And, Mother Abbess, I’ll heed your words about my patients.”

She was content. He had understood. She laid her head back, closed her eyes and began to pray her Office.

#93: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:47 pm

Oh Mary, how glad I am that MA was there for Hilda, and so for Jack - for she has indeed tempered justice with mercy, in that Jack knows where he has gone wrong, but does not feel himself to have been chastised about it. It was merely something which has now been pointed out and will now be rectified.

And how well MA deserves the 'mother' part of her name. Hilda is like her one chick here, who must be protected from all which could harm her. And boy, does Hilda need that right now. With her help I am certain that Hilda can only keep on getting better, though she may continue to need her watch care over her for some time to come.

Thank you Mary - fantastic.

#94: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 10:18 pm

Oh, what love and understanding, and nurturing of Hilda MA shows here. And how well Jack takes that admonition from her.

And Jack now realises just how much Hilda has given to all of them over the years, but also how unprepared they were to cope with her needs.

Quote:

What were you all thinking?”

They weren't - not really; the idea of Hilda that they had was so strong that it overrode the person that she actually is.

And

Quote:

she does a good line in guilt

Yes, indeed, and she can just stop it right now!

Thank you Mary!

#95: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 10:47 pm

Thank you, I esp like this bit:

Quote:

It seems to me that everyone needs a Mother Abbess, not just Hilda.” He thought for a moment. “I suppose in a way, she has been our Abbess, since we all turn to her in our need. The girls named her well, didn’t they? Out of the mouths of babes….”

I love the image of MA holding Hilda under her wing, protecting her as well.

#96: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 11:50 pm

Let's hope Hilda can shelter there while she heals.

Thank you Mary, exquisite.

#97: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 2:48 am

What a beautiful scene here - MA holding Hilda safe in her arms and insisting on keeping her there, yet knowing all the time she is not *really* the person Hilda would want holding her!

I love the way she tackled Jack head-on, but so frankly, over his failure to recognise Hilda's desperate need for reassurance, first about Ian, and then that she hadn't failed to find help for him before collapsing. And I like Jack's frank admission that he had certainly failed Hilda there, concentrating on her physical injuries rather than her mental agony. I hope that he will carry out his pledge to heed MA's words.

Jack's comment about the girls having been wise in their choice of the name "the Abbess" for Hilda is so 'spot on', too.

Thank you Mary, for having MA here at this crucial time - you are right in thinking we all love her as much as you do and as Hilda does.

#98: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:43 am

Mary, you have reduced me to tears yet again.

Mother Abbess is a wonderful character - I love her as much as I love Hilda.
I am so glad she was there to help Hilda in her hour of need !

Please keep writing Smile

#99: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:53 am

Jack certainly has met more than his match.

This line made me smile wryly.

MaryR wrote:

“Don’t worry, Jack. She won’t blame you, only herself. She does a good line in guilt.”

Don't we all do guilt so well?

And this bit is so sad, MA realising that she is, in a way, only standing in for Nell.

MaryR wrote:

“No, I’ll stay here. She needs me – although that’s not quite the truth. I’m guessing she needs Nell right this minute, but I’ll have to do,” she whispered softly.

Thank you, Mary. I've just caught up on the last two days of this, and I THINK I'm feeling slightly relieved about Hilda now.

#100: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:37 am

Beautiful. Thank you Mary.

#101: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:36 pm

......She was content. He had understood. She laid her head back, closed her eyes and began to pray her Office.

She was, however, soon wrenched out of her prayers, for the body in her arms began to writhe and Hilda’s muffled voice could be heard muttering brokenly.

“Nell, wait for me….don’t go so fast….I can’t keep up….. Nell, please, my darling….”

Her heart aching, Mother Abbess gathered Hilda closer and whispered soothingly. Hilda settled again and was still, but the nun waited anxiously. She realised she had spoken nothing but the truth to Jack – the accident had indeed brought back Hilda’s grief and she was having nightmares about Nell once again.

Which also meant, the nun thought sadly to herself, that Hilda was already burying the accident, trying to erase it from her mind – something she was so good at doing. This would not do! Hilda needed to talk about it, re-live it, re-live the terror she had felt. Mother Abbess knew, not only from her long years of counselling, but also from her own personal experience, that if Hilda repressed this accident it would come back to haunt her in the months ahead and leave unhealed wounds, just as her mother’s and James’ deaths had done, because she would not open up to anyone.

She did not have to wait long. Hilda suddenly turned her head. Her eyes were open wide, a terrified look in them, as she stared at the opposite wall. What could she see there?

Hilda’s voice strained and cracked as her whisper tried to become a cry. “Nell, look out…..it’s shaking again….Nell, it’s coming down…..get out…..Oh God, what have you done to her? Help her somebody…..Nell….”

Her voice was getting more and more agitated, her throat straining with the effort to try and shout a warning. Mother Abbess wisely decided it was time to wake her up, much as Hilda needed the sleep. Tenderly she pulled her closer and spoke quietly into her ear. “Hilda, wake up, my dear. It’s alright. Nothing’s happened. It was only a dream, a bad dream.”

Hilda’s body went still and the eyes lost their terrified look as she became aware of her surroundings. Then with a quiet sob she buried her face once more in the nun’s habit and clutched her fiercely. “Oh, Mother, the walls were caving in…..there was nothing I could do….she wouldn’t get out…”

She began to shake again and Mother Abbess held her close and stroked her hair tenderly. This was not a Hilda she recognised at all, and she was beginning to be very worried about her mental state. For Hilda to be so robbed of her self-control like this…. The nun reflected savagely that her brother and others had a lot to answer for.

It was a long while since she had felt such coruscating anger, but she felt absolutely no guilt about it. As she had once said to Hilda, sometimes God could try one too much, and the need to rage at Him became uncontrollable. Hilda had been left in her terrified state too long, worrying about Ian, thinking about death, blaming herself, and now her grief was rising once more, as Mother had predicted, and it was about to tear her apart all over again. She was back in those cold, dark places.

The shaking eased and Mother Abbess began to talk soothingly. “Hilda, sweetheart, Nell wouldn’t want you to break your heart like this. It was only a bad dream, nothing more. You’ve been shown how it really was, remember. Nell needed to do what she did in that earthquake, just as you needed to do what you did for Ian. Nothing could have stopped either of you, only death itself. You and she…..two of a kind, dear daughter! Formidable, courageous, good beyond the common measure, and suffering because of it….”

A desolate whisper floated up. “Ian reminded me….when he talked about being shot….that dream I had about Nell…..in Heaven…. Oh God, why did you take her? I miss her so much. Everything is silent where there was warmth and laughter. Everything that had light and meaning is now blank and cold.”

Mother Abbess could no longer restrain herself. The sheer poignancy of it all caused the tears to run down her cheeks, blinding her, dripping onto Hilda’s soft hair. This loving woman’s grief was so monumental and she hid it so well. So few people knew the depths of her agony.

Suddenly she was aware of Hilda moving in her arms, and the next moment a gentle hand was stroking her cheek. Through her tears she looked down – Hilda was gazing up at her, her own eyes dry. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry,” she whispered. “I need you to be strong for me, Mother, so I can be strong for everyone else.”

“You are strong for everyone else, child, it’s in-built in you. You don’t need me at all.” At the denial she saw in Hilda’s tearless, agonised eyes, she nestled her close again and laid her wet cheek against Hilda’s hair. Her tone fell to a whisper. “My dear child, I promise you, Nell is very near, even if you can’t see her or sense her or hear her. She is still your light. And remember God’s words, just for you, in Ezekiel: I shall look for the lost one, bring back the stray, bandage the wounded and make the weak strong."

“I don’t want Him to put a plaster on this agony. I want Him to take it away. Sometimes, Mother, I think I’ll go crazy just with the need to hold her once more. Just once! Is that too much to ask?”

Her whisper was dry as dust, the torture too deep for tears, but Mother Abbess’s own tears again ran unchecked down her face. All she could do was hold her close, and be silent. Words were of no use to Hilda whatsoever at this moment in time.

#102: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:18 pm

Quote:

It was a long while since she had felt such coruscating anger, but she felt absolutely no guilt about it. ..... Hilda had been left in her terrified state too long .... and now her grief was rising once more, as Mother had predicted, and it was about to tear her apart all over again. She was back in those cold, dark places

A desolate whisper floated up. “Ian reminded me….when he talked about being shot….that dream I had about Nell…..in Heaven…. Oh God, why did you take her? I miss her so much. Everything is silent where there was warmth and laughter. Everything that had light and meaning is now blank and cold.”

Thank goodness that MA was there for Hilda, to understand her relapse into the depth of her grief and to try to sustain and comfort her, despite the seeming impossibility of her task at this moment.

Quote:

Mother Abbess could no longer restrain herself. The sheer poignancy of it all caused the tears to run down her cheeks, blinding her, dripping onto Hilda’s soft hair. This loving woman’s grief was so monumental and she hid it so well. So few people knew the depths of her agony.

Of all the human beings alive who care about Hilda, only MA could truly understand the depth of that agony.

Quote:

Hilda was gazing up at her, her own eyes dry. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry,” she whispered. “I need you to be strong for me, Mother, so I can be strong for everyone else.”

Oh boy, that had me reaching for the tissue box, Mary - my keyboard is almost awash here. But it's wonderful that in the depth of her present grief, Hilda does feel she can draw strength from MA.

Quote:

“You are strong for everyone else, child, it’s in-built in you. You don’t need me at all.” At the denial she saw in Hilda’s tearless, agonised eyes, she nestled her close again and laid her wet cheek against Hilda’s hair. Her tone fell to a whisper. “My dear child, I promise you, Nell is very near, even if you can’t see her or sense her or hear her. She is still your light. And remember God’s words, just for you, in Ezekiel: I shall look for the lost one, bring back the stray, bandage the wounded and make the weak strong."

Even though Hilda may not fully appreciate these words of comfort in her present state, I'm sure she will remember them later and draw strength from them.

Quote:

All she could do was hold her close, and be silent. Words were of no use to Hilda whatsoever at this moment in time.

But if words were no use, the mere action of holding Hilda close in silence was, and I'm sure that Hilda, somewhere in her being, felt the support of that presence around her and succouring her through this renewal of her grief.

Mary, words fail me over this piece - there were so many quotable bits that I had a hard time selecting just a few. Hilda has truly relapsed into the depth of her grief for the time being, and MA is well aware of the fact that despite all the comfort she can try to offer, she is herself a very poor substitute for Nell. But I'm sure that in time, Hilda will understand all the MA has tried to show her - and love her for it.

Thank you, Mary - if this was hard for us to read, I'm sure it was even harder for you to write.

Last edited by Elder in Ontario on Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

#103: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:51 pm

Oh Mary - I have tears in my eyes, something which *never* happens to me when I'm reading drabbles! Hmmm, think I'll have to change that now!

Such a lovely peice my dear, such a way of touching people, such an openness between these two women. Hilda doubting and bereft, MA certain, and her heart breaking for the pain Hilda is going through. THere is nothing like this frank exchange of words between them both

There is beauty in this, but there is so much more which speaks of courageous facing of that which is too hard for us to bear. Yet another much needed life lesson for each one of us. Thankyou.

#104: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:53 pm

Everything Elder said I endorse and fully agree with. Plus one more thing - I am in awe at your words, Mary.

Thank you. (Lesley crying)

#105: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:11 pm

Oh, Mary...!

Quote:

All she could do was hold her close, and be silent. Words were of no use to Hilda whatsoever at this moment in time.

No indeed. Those "cold dark places" are empty and silent too. It seems to me that Hilda is at a crucial point here. MA is wonderful - and recognises that Hilda has been grieving and terrified too long - but Hilda is so alone. Where are you, Nell?

Thank you Mary; I'm not crying, because this is beyond that.

#106: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:16 am

Quote:

It was a long while since she had felt such coruscating anger, but she felt absolutely no guilt about it. As she had once said to Hilda, sometimes God could try one too much, and the need to rage at Him became uncontrollable.

Quote:

All of this, but especialy those two bits grab me. The uncontrollable need sometimes to be brutally honest and to shout and yell at God about life's bitterness, and the longing not for a bandage on a wound, but for the wound to be taken away, or never to have been caused in the first place. This is what makes this story so REAL, you face the honest emotions.

#107: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:43 am

Quote:

Her whisper was dry as dust, the torture too deep for tears, but Mother Abbess’s own tears again ran unchecked down her face. All she could do was hold her close, and be silent. Words were of no use to Hilda whatsoever at this moment in time.

I don't have any words, anyway. Crying or Very sad

Thank you, Mary. I can only echo Carolyn's comments about the real-ness of your writing.

#108: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 12:06 pm

I don't really know what to say Mary. The way you show emotion is too wonderful to put into words.

#109: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 12:41 pm

Just caught up, so two posts to comment on (help, have I got the whole afternoon?).
The first one was lovely, Mary, and there was so much in it. So many reminders of Hilda's strengths:

Quote:

He had only ever seen her answer others’ needs, his own included. Always there, always ready to help…

Quote:

She has such self-control, such self-discipline, that no one knows what she's thinking.

Quote:

When does Hilda fail anyone

Quote:

She won’t blame you, only herself. She does a good line in guilt

Quote:

I suppose in a way, she has been our Abbess, since we all turn to her in our need. The girls named her well, didn’t they? Out of the mouths of babes….”

All of which makes her present need so much more powerful. Love how MA could be so astringent with Jack while leaving him feeling affirmed and understood.

The pain of the second post is difficult to respond to. No-one, not even MA, can replace Nell and she feels so far away. You evoke the cold and darkness of loss so powerfully, Mary. Can Hilda have a little bit of Nell again? Before we all drown in tears?

#110: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:04 pm

Mary - this is truly amazing. Mother Abbess is so right in saying that Hilda needs to come through the experiences rather than repress it.

Thank you.

#111: Author: Katya, Location: Mostly Bradford

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:09 pm

Mary, that was absolutely beautiful. The feelings are so acute, the emotion so accurately portrayed - you have brought tears to my eyes yet again. You never fail to leave me wanting more, and I continue to stand in awe of your skills as a writer and your superb use of language.

What made reading this post even more poignant and moving was to know how little confidence you have in your own abilities, and how often you doubt the quality of what you write. Words may be of no use to Hilda at the moment, but I hope the words of your readers may do something to bring you back from that cold, dark place.

*hugs Mary very tight*

#112: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:24 pm

MaryR wrote:

“I don’t want Him to put a plaster on this agony. I want Him to take it away.

*lost for words*

Thank you, Mary

Liz

#113: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 8:52 am

I`m wondering what Mother Abbess has planned now Shocked

I would be at a loss now , if I were in her shoes.
I am sure she will come up trumps though.

Last edited by Identity Hunt on Sat Nov 26, 2005 4:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

#114: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 4:11 pm

Oh dear, I've come to this late, and everyone has already said everything I would have said. A lovely piece of writing, Mary, and almost unbearably poignant. Hilda's plea to be allowed to hold Nell just once more is particularly heart-rending.

Thank you.

#115: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 3:10 am

Hilda is so so hard on herself.
Mary this is as amazing as always.
Your writing is beautiful.

#116: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 9:08 pm

Katya wrote:

What made reading this post even more poignant and moving was to know how little confidence you have in your own abilities, and how often you doubt the quality of what you write.

Every day, Katya, every day! Crying or Very sad

Thank you all for the appreciation above - sometimes words can be of use!

"..... Sometimes, Mother, I think I’ll go crazy just with the need to hold her once more. Just once! Is that too much to ask?”

Her whisper was dry as dust, the torture too deep for tears, but Mother Abbess’s own tears again ran unchecked down her face. All she could do was hold her close, and be silent. Words were of no use to Hilda whatsoever at this moment in time.

Mother Abbess wept silently for a long time. She had come to respect and love Hilda so very deeply since she had first met her, but now she also felt acutely responsible for her, after what Ian had done. To see such a strong woman revealing the depth of her agony like this hurt her – and it was all Ian’s fault. Hilda had been working through her grief so well, had given her suffering to God so she could be used as He saw fit, and in so doing had found joy, had become, in the nun’s own words, nourishment for others.

Now all that was undone. And undone by my own brother, reflected this woman who had done more than any other to help Hilda in her grief. The terrible irony of it did not escape her.

Her tears dried and still she held Hilda. She felt she did not want to ever let go. But it was slowly dawning on her that Hilda felt increasingly hot. Maybe she needed a doctor to look at her after these last few hours. Looking at her watch carefully, she saw with surprise that it was three hours since she had thrown Jack out. Hilda had slept for two of those hours, which was something she had needed. But she was so fragile that constant care was still necessary.

“Hilda? Are you asleep?” she asked softly. Hilda’s head moved very slightly against her. Hilda longed to pour out to Mother Abbess what peace she felt, in the midst of her agony, to be held in those gentle arms. She could have stayed like that all night and been content. The nun’s love for her was the only thing keeping this renewed anguish at bay.

Nancy and Gwynneth had become very necessary ports in the storm for her, but this woman was her anchor now, had been for months, holding her steady when the current became too strong and threatened to sweep her away. As it was doing now! Thank God Mother had been allowed to come, for Hilda knew, beyond any possibility of doubt, she could have opened up to no one else.

It is a sweet thing, friendship…
A smile among dark frowns…
A solitude, a refuge……
(Shelley)

The words trickled through Hilda’s mind as she lay there in a confused fog of need and desolation, words that reflected just what Mother had become for her. However, as she clung to her *refuge,* other words sprang to mind that were a better reflection of her present relationship with this woman who was so soon to become her Superior.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
(TS Eliot)

After losing her mother there had been no place of safety for her, no refuge; but then with James she had found a new home, trod once more on firm ground – only for all that to disappear yet again and leave her more alone than before. Till she met Nell…..

Her head thudding with pain, she clung to Mother more fiercely as her thoughts coalesced. She would never again seek to offer her heart to anyone, not the way she had to Nell and James, so she had indeed come to the end of all her exploring, at least her earthly exploring. She had come full circle, back to where she had started. She had found in Mother not only a friend – a friend she could trust absolutely, as she had trusted none but James and Nell - she had found her mother again.

With her mother she had had a truly close and joyous relationship, for she had been a woman of courage and compassion and honour, gentle and gracious, offering her daughter that unconditional love that makes one strong. Just as Mother Abbess did!

Had her mother and Nell conspired together with God to send her the one woman on Earth who combined both their loving souls, the one woman equipped to succour her?

Guessing nothing of the thoughts that were floating around in Hilda’s aching brain, Mother Abbess reached for the control panel and pressed it. She felt Hilda cling to her, as though frightened she was going to leave her, and she held her close.

“I think it’s time someone looked you over, after that storm,” she said quietly. “But I won’t let you go, child, not until you allow me. I promise.”

#117: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 9:57 pm

Such depth of feeling, that a woman so strong should be brought so low. MA has, most definitely been sent by someone (I suspect Nell) as she is the only one with the presence, authority and strength to be able to help. It couldn't be anyone at the School because, however much Hilda has allowed Nancy and Gwynneth to help her, she would never be able to release herself from the authority of being Head.

How did MA become so wise? Has she had some experiences in her own past that have allowed her to become so empathic?

Thank you Mary, a wonderful look into Hilda's own thought processes.

(She's not brewing something is she? Only asked because of that throwaway comment about Hilda being hot...)

#118: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 10:25 pm

Oh Mary, how simply stunning. That Hilda should experience such pain, and should be able to tell 'mother' all about it.

And at the same time, MA feeling so lost, feeling that not just a step has been taken back, but that the whole journey has gone, unaware that Hilda, having opened up, has been released to some freedom of peace, blessed peace, and a blessed release.

That last comment about her mother and Nell conspiring to give Hilda back something she lost so long ago, and which she so desperately needed was telling of something that she would rarely allow herself to admit even to herself. How much she missed her mother, and needed her, and now, here is a person adequate enough to take that place for her.

Another beautiful peiece of writing Mary love, and one which must have been so difficult for you to write, and to post. Thank you for making the effort - it was well worth it, and much appreciated.

#119: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 11:04 pm

I'd forgotten how close Hilda had been to her mother before the latter's death. This is indeed a beautiful concept of the role which MA is now taking on for her - she will indeed become Hilda's spiritual mother when Hilda joins the convent, but for now at least, she is giving her the essential, physical mothering which she so desperately needs at this stage.

And MA herself, so aware that Hilda has been brought to this desperate state by the action of her brother, Ian - only intensifies her anger at Ian and her desire to do whatever she can to alleviate Hilda's suffering.

Unfortunately, it would not be at all unusual if Hilda was indeed running at temperature at this point - the emotional upset, combined with her physical state, could easily provoke this, even if she wasn't developing a potentially serious complication, such as pneumonia. MA is right in thinking it's time for a nurse or doctor to check on her.

A very moving piece, Mary, with some beautiful reflections, and insights into Hilda's own thoughts. I know it will have been another hard one for you to write, but it's wonderfully effective.

Thank you

#120: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 11:37 pm

Not only hard to write from an emotional point of view, but also from a psychological one. You follow the convolutions of Hilda's thought in her exploration of exactly what MA means to her in such depth and with such skill, Mary, and arrive at such an authentic place. Hilda's feelings for MA are not the same as those she has for Nell, and to make the connection with her loss of her mother just feels exactly right. Brilliant.

Am also worried about this temperature. And Hilda will fully and freely forgive Ian, hope MA can do so too (although she loves him, it's perhaps harder to forgive when the offence is not against yourself, but against someone you love).

#121: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 11:50 pm

Mary, I read it once, then twice then cried...
This is such a right place for Hilda to be - back at the beginning, but with the gains and losses of her life still present. She's "in a condition of complete simplicity (Costing not less than everything)." And it has in one way, but not in another.
And this linkage between MA and her own mother has such a beautiful balance to it.

Thank you for writing this.

#122: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:08 am

Quote:

"..... Sometimes, Mother, I think I’ll go crazy just with the need to hold her once more. Just once! Is that too much to ask?”

Unfortunately Hilda, yes it is. And she knows that deep inside. She must be so unhappy. I am very glad MA is there for her.

#123: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:37 pm

Thanks Mary

*sends healing balm for all the wounds*

Liz

#124: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 3:03 pm

Thank you Mary.

#125: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 9:58 pm

Jack was soon there at the bedside and reached for Hilda’s wrist, but when he felt the heat emanating from her he frowned. He laid her wrist down and indicated to the nun that she should let his patient go, but Mother Abbess shook her head slightly and whispered to Hilda, “When you are ready, dear, give me a sign. Jack wants to have a look at you but we can wait – all night if necessary.”

For a long moment Hilda’s fingers still clung tightly, then with a sigh she moved slightly from the safe cocoon of Mother Abbess’s arms. Jack held her as the nun slid from the bed, turning to help him lay Hilda down. She stroked the hair back from the bruised face as Jack slipped a thermometer between Hilda’s lips and wound the pressure cuff round the slim arm. Shaking his head at the temperature registering there as he removed the thermometer, Jack sat on the bed and took Hilda’s hand.

“Hilda, can you bear to open your eyes?” he asked softly. When she did so, he smiled shamefacedly. “I owe you an apology, Hilda. I left you to suffer unnecessarily by not telling you about Ian. Can you forgive me?”

Hilda’s hand turned in his and squeezed gently and her lips curved. “Thank you, and I’ll try to do better by you from now on. But your temperature is shooting up and no one has dared to bathe or change you since you regained consciousness, so I’m going to suggest that we sponge you down, change you and the bed, and generally make you more comfortable. Do you think that head can cope?”

Inwardly sighing at the thought of it, she gave him a patient smile. “You’re the doctor, Jack dear, so whatever you think best,” she whispered, then closed her eyes wearily, feeling cold and so alone outside the circle of those loving arms.

She was drifting again when she felt cool, capable hands on her forehead, hands she recognised, for they were the ones who had soothed her when she had been in the San after Nell’s death. She opened her eyes to see Helen Graves, the Matron, smiling down at her. “I’m going to look after you, Hilda. Rank should have some privileges after all.”

Hilda thanked her with her gentle smile, for she trusted this woman implicitly. And Mother Abbess saw that the Matron had tremendous respect for Hilda, which came as no surprise at all. Helen had brought a trolley in with her, on which lay a bowl of water, towels and such. Now she turned to this and looked apologetically at the nun. “Mother Abbess, I wonder if…”

But Mother Abbess was ready for her and spoke in her sweet, but very determined, voice. “I have nursing experience, Matron, so if Hilda doesn’t mind, I would like to stay and help.”

The look she received from Hilda, and the hand Hilda held out, showed how very much Hilda wanted just that, so the Matron smiled and nodded. She had already made a good guess at what these two meant to each other.

#126: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 9:59 pm

Oh Mary, that is a lovey gentle picture of their relationship. The parallel of MA and Mother is beautiful. Thank you.

I would love to know more about MA.

#127: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 10:16 pm

Oh Mary - how can words describe all you have captured in this scene. You are indeed a master at your art. I was watching the events happening again, it was all so vivid.

How your heart goes out to Hilda at the pain she feels when she has to make these big efforts to let MA go, and to allow them to bathe her. How much calmer you feel when Helen Graves, a trusted friend, takes over and deals with the nursing side.

How patient MA is, and how lovingly she helps Hilda to come to terms with the changes that are going to have to be accommodated. And how wonderful, that last little gift is, the ability of MA to stay, because of her nursing experience, and Hilda's need of her, coupled with the willingness of Helen to accept that her patient and friend is very close to MA.

A beautiful picture of peace in the midst of suffering. Thankyou, there is nothing more which can be said, but thankyou.

#128: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 10:49 pm

Even given the seriousness of Hilda's condition, this is a truly captivating scene. First, Jack's sincere apology - clearly MA really made him think about his actions. Then MA's calm refusal to move unless Hilda gave her assent - that almost made me laugh, even here. Then Matron Graves claiming the 'privilege' of making Hilda more comfortable and that reminder of how much Hilda trusts her from her earlier spell in the San. And now MA, because of her nursing experience, claiming the right to help too, if that's what Hilda wants - as of course she does.

Hilda is truly surrounded by loving care here - let's hope that the sponge bath and change of bed linen will help reduce her temperature, too.

Squirrel already commented on your vivid description of this scene - I, too, could picture it all so clearly as I read.

Thank you, Mary for giving us the privilege of being present in the room, which is truly an oasis of peace amidst suffering, through your wonderful word pictures.

#129: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 10:55 pm

Everyone else has already said all that I would have said. Wonderful scene Mary - and I would so love to be in Helen Graves' position.

Thank you.

#130: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:17 pm

Very beautiful, very tender, and peaceful. It is all so carefully shown, the love and respect that they have for Hilda. And MA is so caring, knowing exactly what Hilda needs and careful to demonstrate that Hilda is at the centre of all this. And how gracious of Helen Graves to accept MA's presence. And of course Hilda would want her mother there.
I envy her fiercely.

Thank you Mary.

#131: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:51 pm

One disadvantage of posting late at night is that everyone else has said it all! This is a lovely coda to the entire episode, Mary, bringing together the different strands of people who love, respect and support Hilda in their various ways: Jack, trying so hard to give care, getting it wrong, but being forgiven and the relationship (and valid care-giving) restored; MA making it possible for Hilda to accept the need for change and the necessity to emerge from her refuge; Helen Graves offering a different sort of refuge in the provision of needed care in a context of respect, trust and love. It culminates in the promise of peace for Hilda - though perhaps we should remember that they haven't yet managed to get that temperature down!

#132: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 1:55 pm

Thank you Mary

It's amazing how much better being clean can make you feel (even if it's an exhausting process) - I hope it helps in many ways, as well as bringing down the temperature.

Liz

#133: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 7:09 pm

What an exquisitely tender scene !
Truly a Mother caring for her child, with such love and sweetness.
MA is a triumph of writing, Mary !

#134: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 7:29 pm

Quote:

"Rank has its privileges"

And looking after Hilda IS a privilege. She must mean a lot to them.

Thank you, Mary

#135: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:04 pm

You all really do have a penchant for Mother Abbess, don't you? Identity Hunt, believe me, she is no miracle of mine. This woman was gifted to me. I myself learn a lot from her.....

Thank you, all of you, for your dear kind words. I do hate to spoil the peace for you......

.....The look she received from Hilda, and the hand Hilda held out, showed how very much Hilda wanted just that, so the Matron smiled and nodded. She had already made a good guess at what these two meant to each other.

Gently, Helen washed the bruised face. The swelling to the side was already decreasing but the colour was now an alarming deep, deep purple and one side of her forehead was still very swollen, making Hilda wince when touched. She coped with the mouthwash and then, in an effort to get rid of the tangles, Mother Abbess held her up a little so Helen could comb the brown hair, in which Mother Abbess thought she could see a few more silver strands. Helen plaited it loosely and the nun laid her precious charge down again, noting with dismay the closed eyes, the clenched lips.

“Are you okay there, Hilda?” asked Helen worriedly. A whispered affirmative from Hilda did not do much to reassure the two women, and as Helen went to a drawer in search of a clean nightdress, Mother Abbess gently stroked Hilda’s good cheek, marvelling yet again at this woman’s ability to hide her mental and physical anguish from others, even from people who supposedly knew her well. One would never have sensed how broken she was inside.

Pulling down the bedclothes a little, Matron and Mother Abbess gently stripped Hilda of the hospital gown she had worn since arriving at the hospital and began to sponge her down. Both Hilda and Mother Abbess nearly groaned out loud, Hilda because her whole body was aching ferociously, and the nun at the sight of the dark bruises decorating Hilda’s slender frame.

Blessing the coolness of the soft silk nightdress that was slipped on, Hilda lay still and quiet, totally exhausted, as she was covered again with a sheet. When Helen spoke next her voice was apologetic. “Hilda. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to check your feet – and I’m very afraid it will hurt. Perhaps you can hang on to Mother Abbess.”

Hilda did just that, and bruised the nun badly, while Mother Abbess just gaped at the state of the slender feet. Jack had told her they thought Hilda must have lost her shoes even before she left the car, and that she must have walked on the broken glass in the well of the car and on the ground, to have got her feet into such a state. Seeing them now, she could well believe it - and shuddered at Hilda's will to overcome.

Being as gentle as she could, Helen unwound the dressings from one foot, exposing the many stitches, the long jagged cuts, the bruises. Blood was still oozing from the many unstitched cuts, so carefully she sponged it away and applied fresh dressings. Hilda bit down hard on her split lip and bore it all with her usual silent stoicism.

However, the other foot was in a worse state and she finally lost all control, hot tears cascading down her cheeks. Life is just throwing too much at her, eroding all her resources, and sleeplessness isn’t helping, reflected Mother Abbess, as she sat on the bed and pulled Hilda into her arms again with a soft murmur. All she wants is Nell – and then even this she could bear.

Helen Graves carried on working grimly, wanting to get the painful exercise over with as soon as possible, while Hilda buried her face in the nun’s habit once more. Mother Abbess could feel Hilda’s chest heaving as she desperately tried to stop herself sobbing out loud, for this pain was as excruciating as the one in her head.

Ian, this should be you lying here, bearing this agony. You got off lightly, dear brother, far too lightly. Your feelings of guilt do not compare with what Hilda is going through right now. And you say you love this woman….. For a grown man, your idiocy was beyond the pale.

#136: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:20 pm

MA is going to demolish Ian when she sees him. Even if she says nothing, and I don't think she will be that restrained, he will know her opinion. That will be an interesting scene to see.

#137: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:37 pm

Oh, Mary, how sad. Hilda's courage is so humbling, her ability to endure physical and emotional pain so profound - but how right MA is in her silent comment that

Quote:

All she wants is Nell – and then even this she could bear.

Perhaps now she will be able to sleep....
And yes, Ian is an idiot - and I think he realises this already.

Thank you Mary.

#138: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:38 pm

Poor, poor Hilda. I can empathise - years ago I had to nurse a young Army Lieutenant who had been involved in an accident while on exercise - he'd had one foot mangled - the pain he went through whenever we had to change the dressings - and all we could do was the same as Helen, keep going until it was over.

Thanks Mary

*Think MA is going to puverise Ian.*

#139: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:03 pm

In a way, this procedure must be almost as excruciating for Helen and MA as it is for Hilda.

I know that Hilda herself is clearly in almost unbearable agony, between her hurt feet and the pains in her head, but the other two are also suffering, Helen because she must inflict more pain with this very necessary wound cleaning and dressing changing and MA because once again, the comfort she feels she can give, while welcomed, is not the comfort which Hilda really wants - Nell.

I think Cath is right in thinking that Ian is already only too well aware of the extent and seriousness of Hilda's injuries, which his actions have caused. MA's desire to rend him asunder with her words is fully understandable, but I think she'd be rubbing salt in his already open wounds here.

Another very touching illustration of how seriously MA and Helen take their 'privilege' of caring for Hilda at this time; once again, Mary, your word pictures take us right into the room with them.

Thank you.

#140: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:10 pm

And she still can't have painkillers because of the head, of course. This accident really has been the last straw - though the level of control she can still show indicates that, although her resources may have been eroded, they are not exhausted. But she's going to have to go through this every time they dress her feet ...
I hope MA is not too severe on Ian. Although the accident was certainly his fault, it wasn't his fault that he got off so lightly, and he is pretty devastated. I'm sure he'd change places if he could - and Hilda would be merciful.

#141: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:32 pm

Oh Mary, and oh Hilda, even reading it you can just about sense some of the pain she is going through. What it must have been to write I cannot imagine. Both MA and Helen are doing all that they can, and as Elder has said, they must be finding it a kind of agony themselves, to keep putting one they love so dearly through such agony, because they know there is no choice in it.

As for Ian, I do hope that MA can swallow some of her wrath here. Sure, let him understand fully what Hilda has gone through that he cannot be aware of - he's going to want to know what hurt her so much that he had to be hurried from the room to start off with.

He is also going to be suffering though, and therefore I do hope the MA can also be gentle, that she is able to reign in her anger and dissapointment at what he has done. In some ways, to have her telling him what she thinks of him could undo all the good work that Hilda did while they were at the restaurant.

So many things it is impossible to comment on them all, so I'll leave it at that. Another lovely, touching scene, even if it is filled with pain of all sorts for poor Hilda and the others. Thank you Mary.

#142: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:00 am

I know the pain must be so horrendous, but I hope the tears bring some release for and relief from all the pent up emotions buried inside.

Thanks, Mary.

Liz

#143: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:49 am

This is agonising to read. You must have been shattered after writing that post Mary.

Hopes MA can forgive her brother soon. Hilda would hate them to fall out over her.

#144: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:57 pm

Mother Abbess was sitting silently by the bed, her eyes steady on Hilda’s sleeping face, her prayers constant for this brave woman who was carrying such a heavy load, when Jack walked in the room, just after midnight.

After Matron had finished dealing with Hilda’s feet she had watched anxiously as Mother Abbess had held and soothed Hilda, and had then managed to get her patient to drink a cup of tea. Appreciating how ashamed of herself Hilda would be for breaking down, they had both assured her it was perfectly natural, for her feet were in a terrible state. What Helen Graves had not told her was that there was infection beginning to bubble in some of the cuts – the pain was going to get worse!

Eventually, way beyond exhaustion and unable to relax, Hilda had fallen into one of those restless dozes that brought her no relief, and Helen had told the nun the bad news. Mother Abbess had sighed heavily and watched with sadness as Hilda had woken and drifted off again several times in the last few hours. Deep healing sleep still seemed to be evading her.

Mother Abbess now watched Jack anxiously as he stood looking down at Hilda, his hands in his pockets, a frown on his pleasant face, his lips pursed. “You’re here late tonight,” the nun said quietly. “I assumed you’d gone home.”

“No, one of my patients is dying, so I wanted to be here for him – and then there was Hilda….,” he said absentmindedly, his eyes still assessing Hilda’s bruised face.

“You’re worried about her,” she stated with conviction, and he ran his hands through his hair.

“Extremely worried,” he answered softly. “Oh, I know it’s only just over twenty-four hours since she came round, but she was unconscious for the same length of time, and as for that walk….. “

He shook himself. “I’m worried because her vital signs are still not good, her temperature’s going up, not down, and now her feet are going to cause her more pain. I’m going to have to get antibiotics into her somehow. We had the same problem when she was shot. All indicative of a system severely over-loaded.” He looked down into the nun’s sombre green eyes. “You’re worried also.”

She nodded. “Oh, yes, Jack, I have very grave concerns, but for slightly different reasons. As I said to you once before, just after Hilda was shot, this relationship was so strong I don’t think she will ever get over it. Losing a loved one is always a crisis but this ….. “

Her eyes watered as she remembered Hilda’s anguished plea a few hours earlier to be able to hold Nell just once more. My poor daughter! She looked up at Jack and shook her head sadly. “Since she lost Nell she’s been shot, and now she’s had this accident and tremendous strain. Two serious shocks to a woman already in major crisis! It’s a well-documented fact, Jack - significant physical injuries, on top of bereavement, can lead to serious illnesses. And she’s not strong, is she?”

Jack shook his head. “No, she’s always been fit and healthy, but she was never as strong as Nell Wilson. She was a truly hardy specimen, loved physical activity. And Hilda has not looked well since the shooting, or not to my eyes. This blow to the head was the last thing she needed.”

They both turned sharply as Hilda’s restlessness increased, her head moving fretfully on the pillow. She began muttering to herself, and they heard the words “Nell” and “Ian” among the broken mutterings. Her hand gripped Mother Abbess’s so hard the nails were once more digging into the soft flesh. The nun leaned forward and stroked the burning forehead, murmuring low words of comfort. Hilda gradually became still and quiet once more.

Jack had been watching this little scene carefully and now said with conviction, “You get through where no one else but Nell ever could. You seem to have taken her place for Hilda.”

Mother Abbess shook her head vigorously and spoke firmly. “No one could do that, my boy. I’m betraying a confidence when I tell you she has a Nell-sized hole inside that no one else, no one at all, will ever fit. The closeness they shared was irreplaceable. Hilda has the reserved character of someone who is slow to commit herself, but when she does, it is forever and absolutely – and the grief is then proportionate to the loss.”

She paused and eyed Hilda’s face sombrely, her heart as always filled with compassion for this strong yet lonely and vulnerable woman. “She needs watching carefully, Jack, very carefully.”

“Don’t you trust us, Mother Abbess?” asked Jack.

“It’s Hilda I don’t trust!” responded the nun tartly. “You know what she’s like. Look what happened here. She won’t come out and admit she’s hurting. If she’s ill or in pain, she’ll hide it – until it’s too late.”

“But you seem to be get through her defences,” mused Jack slowly. “Only Nell could do that. We would never have known what was wrong if you hadn’t appeared.”

“But Nell’s not here and I’m not here, which is why you must be on your guard. Warn Nancy, warn Gwynneth.” She was speaking urgently now. “I’ve seen it happen too often to others. She’s had too much to bear this year and I am very afraid for her. Please, please…..look after her for me.”

Her voice broke and Jack eyed her speculatively. There was more here than he had been told. He could see the relationship that existed between the two of them, and had wondered about it. Now he reached out and clasped her shoulder.

“I’ll do the best I can. But you know as well as I do that it’s not easy. She has ferocious will-power and will not be ordered about. And she hates burdening people, though God knows, other people burden her enough. How she struggled down that mountain in her condition…... I tell you, I couldn’t have done it and I’m strong. She deserves another medal.”

“No, Jack, I do not deserve a medal, so don’t even consider putting me through that again!” interrupted a soft whisper from the bed. They looked at each other guiltily. As usual, Hilda had stolen up on people and caught them unawares!

#145: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:08 pm

What a wonderful break in the tension of that conversation. Trust Hilda! Thank you Mary.

#146: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:10 pm

Oh how like Hilda! To appear to be asleep, and then to protest at something which she hears! And it was the open praise she was protesting at, not the admiration, not the straight talking which has gone before. I would be interested to know exactly what she has heard - most of it probably, seeing that when they are ill and unconscious people can hear what is happening in the room.

Oh what a burden MA carries for Hilda, and now Jack shares in carrying his small part. Soon they will increase the load on Gwynneth and Nancy - may all go well in the latter's case.

Mary, you are dealing with so many strands of story here - as soon as we have had a chance to forget one, you weave it back in again, reminding us of it's existence.

As for the earlier stuff - it's just too much to take in. My mind cannot take in the fact that the physical stuff is going to get worse due to infection, and that hilda's energy reserves are so low. Oh Mary lass, I have no idea how you are going to resolve this one. I just sit and watch the way it plays out.

Thank you for another lovely installment.

#147: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:10 pm

It's rather wonderful to see all of MA's concerns for Hilda so clearly expressed here - and we may be very sure that Jack will not ignore them. There is certainly plenty of evidence that serious physical illness can follow the sort of pain and emotional pain (grief) that Hilda has endured, and MA is right to point this out, because I suspect that Jack might be less aware of it. And she's right to insist that Nancy and Gwynneth be warned to be alert too. Her caring is so obvious, but so is the fact that she's only too well aware what a poor substitute for Nell she is.

And despite all her suffering, Hilda can still come out with a crack like that last sentence? She'll never cease to amaze us, will she?

Thanks Mary

#148: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:44 pm

Bet they are both covered in guilt at being overheard! Typical Hilda response there, although I happen to agree with Jack. Glad MA has managed to impress upon Jack the seriousness of Hilda's condition - I sense some grief of her own in MA's plea that everyone watch out for Hilda - did the MA lose someone herself due to something similar in the past?

Thank you Mary.

#149: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:06 pm

Remarkable, just remarkable. The reserves that Hilda has drawn on are still not depleted. And how well MA appreciates that

Quote:

she has a Nell-sized hole inside that no one else, no one at all, will ever fit.

And what an accurate analysis of Hilda's level of commitment - "forever and absolutely" - something that has shone through all her interactions with Nell.

Thank you Mary.

#150: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:27 pm

There are so many strands of Hilda's character here, Mary. Her total commitment to Nell and desolation without her:

Quote:

someone who is slow to commit herself, but when she does, it is forever and absolutely – and the grief is then proportionate to the loss.”

her strength and stubbornness:

Quote:

She has ferocious will-power and will not be ordered about.

and her refusal to share her pain and hatred of being a burden.
A salutary reminder, too, that MA's presence, which seems so essential, can be only temporary.
The humour of Hilda's final comment comes as needed relief, but note that she sees having to receive another medal as more of an ordeal than her suffering! How very typical.

#151: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 7:00 am

I am concerned about what wll happen to Hilda when MA has to go back to the Convent.
Then Hilda will have to deal with a MA-sized hole in her life as well Crying or Very sad

#152: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 10:30 am

*g* I love Hilda at the end there, fantastic and a wonderful way to break the tension.

Thank you Mary.

#153: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 12:01 pm

That was heartbreaking, such tension, and so many worries for Hilda. How long can MA stay, she does have other responsibilities as well and presumably takes them seriously as well.

#154: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 1:17 pm

Thank you, Mary. I've just caught up on a couple of posts of ND, and you've got so much in there. Like everyone elee, I'm worrying about Hilda who seems so frail after all she's been through.

Love the last bit!

Thank you.

#155: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:38 pm

......“No, Jack, I do not deserve a medal, so don’t even consider putting me through that again” interrupted a soft whisper from the bed. They looked at each other guiltily. As usual, Hilda had stolen up on people and caught them unawares!

Jack moved forward and placed his fingers on her wrist, sighing inwardly. Her pulse was still frantic and feeble, and she was still exceedingly hot. He smiled down into the haunted eyes, noting the frown line between them, telling of the pain.

“Is there anything I can do for you, Hilda, love?” he asked quietly. Her swollen lip framed a silent no and he continued, “I can see your head is still very bad. As are your feet, I’m sure. I have to tell you, though, that once more you’ve fallen prey to infection. You treated those poor feet far too badly and I need to start you on antibiotics.”

He rang the bell and a nurse appeared pushing a small trolley. Jack continued, “I’m going to give you the antibiotics by drip, so that if you do manage to sleep we won’t have to disturb you with tablets.”

Hilda was so fragile that it was quite clear even just introducing the needle into her hand caused her pain, but eventually it was done and the nurse departed.

“What time is it?” she asked wearily.

“It’s after midnight,” answered Jack, checking the drip. “You’ve been conscious now for almost twenty-four hours, but you’ve scarcely slept in that time.”

“And what about Mother?” whispered Hilda, her eyes going to her friend’s white, shadowed face. “She’s travelled a long way today and has been sitting for hours at my side. She needs to sleep, Jack.”

Mother Abbess tightened her grip of Hilda’s hand and shook her head. “Oh no, you don’t, young lady! Stop worrying about everybody else. I’m fine. You don’t get rid of me that easily.”

Jack, however, agreed with Hilda. The nun did look very tired. He thought it over for a moment or two. “If we trundled a camp bed in, would that do? You could still be with Hilda, which I know you want, but you could also get some rest.”

She grimaced. “Outsmarted! By two of the best at the game!” She gave in gracefully, knowing it would worry Hilda otherwise, though how she could think of anyone else’s pain at this moment was beyond Mother Abbess. “Thank you, Jack. That will do nicely.”

Hilda eyed her doubtfully, but was too exhausted to argue further. The bed was duly brought in and Hilda was settled for the night, while Mother Abbess disappeared for a quick wash. After everyone else had gone, she dimmed the light, and leaned over Hilda to make the sign of the cross on her forehead, as she quietly recited words from the Office of Compline:

Be with us, merciful God, and protect us through the silent hours of this night: that we, who are wearied by the changes and chances of this fleeting world, may rest upon your eternal changelessness.

The torment in Hilda’s eyes eased a little as she lay silently watching Mother Abbess and the nun kissed her tenderly on the forehead. Hilda smiled gently and closed her eyes, her head thudding, her feet on fire, but somehow renewed a little and refreshed, despite her aching need of Nell’s arms.

Mother Abbess lay down on the low cot now standing by the bed. It would mean lying there in wimple and veil, in case doctors or nurses came in to check on their patient, but for Hilda’s sake she would endure a lot more discomfort than that. She pulled up her covers, then reached for Hilda’s hand, which grasped hers gratefully in the dim silence of the hospital room.

#156: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:49 pm

Despite the anxiety which Hilda's condition can't help but cause, this is a comparatively peaceful episdoe - and one showing yet more evidence of Hilda's own returning strength of mind even though her physical recovery remains far away yet.

I love the way Jack found a compromise which enables MA to remain with her though - she can't fail to gain strength and courage from that hand holding hers, and MA will at least get some sort of rest.

Here's hoping that the antibiotics start to work on those poor infected feet before the infection can invade her entire body. We know she can't have pain-killers because they would mask any problems with her head, but enduring such double agony is very hard for her. Please let her get started on the real road to recovery before too much longer.

Thanks Mary

#157: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 10:26 pm

I loved the matter of fact way Jack dealt with the situation when they realised that Hilda was awake again. He is so aware of the problems, but he just casually tells Hilda what she needs to know - no emphasising how serious the situation is - she knows it well enough anyway.

Then doing all that he can to make sure that she is completely happy, even to meeting her half way over her anxiety about her Mother - being Hilda of course, she couldnt help but worry about her, once the idea came into her head.

Of course, Hilda isnt completely satisfied with the result, but what were they supposed to do - leave her alone for the night, and have her upset and wanting her mother again. Sure, she would have bore it, but what price would she have had to pay - it would always be too high, that is for sure.

And I just love MA's responce to Hilda, and to Jacks suggestion which gets to the half way point of the camp bed - it really paints in another face to her character, shows her humor coming through.

And I love that touch of peace at the end, when she recites the Office of Compline. That was a beautiful way to begin the round up to the end. And that picture of MA on the bed in her wimple and veil!

Another lovely post Mary, Thank you. I also happen to agree with all of what Elder says as well!

#158: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 10:43 pm

Thank you Mary. This was curiously peaceful, despite the fact that Hilda is still in pain, still so unhappy.... and of course she would think of MA, even now.

And good to see that Jack is now recognising how he has to take Hilda seriously.

And how lovely to see that Hilda is a little comforted by MA's continuing presence and her use of some of the Compline prayers.

Thank you Mary.

#159: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 11:26 pm

Echoing the delight in that peaceful episode.

Mary, I know poor Hilda cannot have any painkillers because of her head injury (who better! Wink

) but could they look at at least a local nerve block or something to reduce the pain in her feet?

*Wimpering with the pain - because Hilda won't allow herself to do so.*

Thank you.

#160: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:50 am

I love Compline too...... a very comforting short service .
Hilda may well have known it, as I am pretty sure it was actually included in a revision of the 1928 Book of Common Prayer..........

#161: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:16 pm

Mother Abbess has told me she has no intention of being hard on Ian - but she has kept to herself for the moment just what she intends to do about him. Wink

...... but for Hilda’s sake she would endure a lot more discomfort than that. She pulled up her covers, then reached for Hilda’s hand, which grasped hers gratefully in the dim silence of the hospital room.

“I can’t find words to tell you how much it means to have you here,” whispered Hilda eventually. Mother Abbess squeezed the hot hand in hers.

“Then I’m glad I came, dear,” answered the nun soothingly. “And I have a feeling that, if I hadn’t come, all those emotions that erupted earlier would still be held inside, distilling their poison.” There was silence again as Hilda digested this, knowing it was true. “You’re a hard woman to crack, Hilda, once you go inside and close the door. You repel all boarders.”

She added sadly, “No surprise, really, when one thinks all that life has taken from you. But you’re too ill to go it alone at the moment. You need us, Hilda. Not just me, I’ll have to leave soon. You need to open up a little to the others. Sometimes in our lives we have to admit defeat and hand over our burdens.”

Again there was silence. Was she being too hard when Hilda was still so weak? The answer was a resounding No! Hilda’s inner strength was her weakness in this situation. And Hilda expected honesty from her. Anything else would destroy Hilda’s trust in her, would weaken the profound yet gentle relationship they had forged.

Hilda’s voice was haunted when she finally whispered, “I’m ruining all your hard work, aren’t I? I’m letting you down, I’m letting Nell down.” Silence reigned again a moment and then she mused slowly, “I remember years ago, when a girl called Lavender caused a minor explosion with some snow and a stove lid. Nell laughed at me and told me not to go all tragedy queen over it – all she could see was the funny side of it all.”

She paused and there was a tremor in her voice as she continued, “She was right! Oh Mother, I still need her so! She was my spontaneity, my sense of fun. She gave me a sense of proportion. Without her I am so incomplete.”

Please send me the right words, Lord, pleaded Mother Abbess silently as she tightened her grip on Hilda’s hand. Tears smarted again in her eyes both at this woman’s loss and at her chastising of herself.

“Sweetheart, I suspect you will always need her, but in the end you might learn to live with that need. Don’t push your grief away because it has returned. Walk through it - with me, with whoever holds out their hand to you. It is not a weakness to need others. Your weakness is that you refuse to need others, to burden them. And you are not being a tragedy queen here. Far from it! Your pain and grief are very real. Just share it. Don’t keep people at bay.”

She had a feeling she was going to spend the rest of her life teaching Hilda to open that door. For no matter how far they had come, no matter how much she had begun to make inroads into Hilda’s reticence, as soon as anything happened it returned full force. She went back inside herself.

Mother Abbess returned to the first part of Hilda’s murmurings. “Hilda, daughter, I am going to be firm here. It is not in you to let anyone down. You have let neither Nell nor myself down. I am so, so proud of you for the way you bear your physical pain, never mind your loneliness. I am so, so proud of your courage – to be your Mother Superior will be nothing but a privilege.”

She paused to arrange her words carefully, tiredness taking away her concentration. “Ian was the one who did the damage. He was the one who let you down by being so thoughtless. Ian was the one who put you here in this bodily pain. He was the one who has set your recovery from grief several steps backwards. None of it was your fault and you must not berate yourself like this. Somehow you are going to have to find it in you to forgive him.”

And so am I, dear Lord, so am I, and I have a feeling it will be harder for me than for Hilda.

She was proved right as Hilda answered instantly, “There is nothing to forgive. After all, I am the one who upset him. His was a natural reaction.”

Mother Abbess’s response was swift and firm. “No, my dear, it wasn’t and he must learn to live with that. And Hilda,” she said softly, “You must learn to forgive yourself. No one else blames you, I don’t blame you, Ian doesn’t blame you, God doesn’t blame you. You did what you had to do, and Ian let it take away his common sense. Now, please, let this guilt go.”

Silence again reigned and Mother Abbess could feel herself falling asleep even as she worried about the harshness of her words. Then all at once her hand was gripped very hard and she heard a tremulous whisper.

“When my mother died, I lost something infinitely precious, but in you I have found it again. You are no longer just Mother to me, you have become my mother as well. With all my mother’s unconditional love – and her ability to take me to task so lovingly.”

The silence fell again as once more the nun felt the slow tears slide down her cheeks. It was a long time since anyone had affected her the way Hilda did. But then, it was a long time since she had found anyone who gave so much more than she ever received, as Hilda did.

Her tears flowed even more copiously when she heard Hilda whisper, “Where would I have been now, without you in my life? You held out the hand of friendship when I was so desperately in need. You judged my weaknesses only to help me overcome them, and you looked so gently on my failures. Somehow you found me worth saving and worth loving…..”

#162: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:26 pm

Echoing Hilda - it's a very good thing that she met Mother Abbess - because no one else can get through to her. Glad that MA will have to continue to do that for the rest of her life - Hilda's not going to change, she will always blame herself.

The emotion in that episode was so real - even to MA being so overcome with the woman she is helping, and her own prayers about how she needs help in forgiving her briother - while Hilda does not have any problem.

Thank you Mary.

#163: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:32 pm

Oh Mary, another rollercoaster ride of an installment. MA was beautifully pictured, that call for help, and then it comes through and she has the exact right words to say, the best way to get through to Hilda. And how like a person of MA's nature, and Hilda's, in that the one who has the 'offence' against them doesnt see the problem, and the one who loves that person does. And the whole blaming of self thing instead - yes, I can see that happening in RL.

A lovely picture of human interaction at it's deepest, exploring the beauty of relationships when they are at their closest. And as for Hilda's last comments, Stunning.

Thank you Mary - fantastic

#164: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:33 pm

Quote:

You need us, Hilda. Not just me, I’ll have to leave soon. You need to open up a little to the others. Sometimes in our lives we have to admit defeat and hand over our burdens.”

......I’m letting you down, I’m letting Nell down.” .... Oh Mother, I still need her so! She was my spontaneity, my sense of fun. She gave me a sense of proportion. Without her I am so incomplete.”

“Sweetheart, I suspect you will always need her, but in the end you might learn to live with that need. Don’t push your grief away because it has returned. Walk through it - with me, with whoever holds out their hand to you. It is not a weakness to need others. ..... Your pain and grief are very real. Just share it. Don’t keep people at bay.” ......

"It is not in you to let anyone down. You have let neither Nell nor myself down. I am so, so proud of you for the way you bear your physical pain, never mind your loneliness. I am so, so proud of your courage.” .....

“When my mother died, I lost something infinitely precious, but in you I have found it again. You are no longer just Mother to me, you have become my mother as well. ......“Where would I have been now, without you in my life? You held out the hand of friendship when I was so desperately in need. .... Somehow you found me worth saving and worth loving…..”

This such a gentle, loving interchange between these two, truly a conversation between a mother and her daughter. How gently reassuring MA is throughout, and how much Hilda appreciates her presence. There is so much in it that is worth remembering that I had a hard time selecting extracts to quote. In the gentlest, most reassuring way, MA is giving Hilda just the advice she needs to face the future.

Beautifully done, Mary, thank you.

#165: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 11:45 pm

Too tired to be very coherent tonight, Mary, just wanted to say how much I appreciate the subtleties of feeling here. The recognition of Hilda's deep reticence, the inviolate inner core of her which so few can penetrate; MA almost worn out and desperate for sleep, finding it so hard to concentrate and formulate her thoughts because she's so weary, and knowing how important it is for Hilda that she find the right words; the lovely balance of Hilda's relationship with Nell:

Quote:

She was my spontaneity, my sense of fun. She gave me a sense of proportion.

This is so much what over-serious, ultra-responsible Hilda needs in her life, and how she must feel the loss of it.

Thank you, Mary.

#166: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:43 am

Mary, that was lovely. The picture you draw of these two women is so tender.

#167: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:24 am

Quote:

She was my spontaneity, my sense of fun.

. Oh yes, right from the start, and Hilda is so correct to see what she has lost.

Quote:

Your weakness is that you refuse to need others, to burden them.

And it is a weakness, a paradoxical one in that it masquerades as strength, and it can be very dangerous, because as well as hurting oneself, it also carries with it the potential to shut out others, and hurt them, which is of course the last thing that Hilda would be able to deal with.

Quote:

"After all, I am the one who upset him. His was a natural reaction.”

And this reaction follows on from the refusal to burden others; it's a comparatively short step from "I do not wish to burden others" to "I am not worthy to burden others" and "I must be at fault if they react to something I said or did" And that can be a very hard thing to overcome. MA was absolutely right to be so firm with Hilda about that. And that lovely last line from Hilda that MA found her "worth saving and worth loving" Oh, Hilda!

Mary, this was just lovely and so moving.

#168: Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 2:05 am

Thank you Mary.

#169: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:00 pm

Thank you all for loving these two women as I do.

Mother Abbess awoke suddenly with a sense that Hilda needed her, and quietly threw back the covers and moved near the bed. She had tried her best, earlier, to reassure Hilda that all she had done for Hilda had been repaid over and over, that everyone who met Hilda considered her worth loving, but it had been quite clear to her that Hilda believed not one word. Eventually she had simply got out of bed and stroked Hilda’s hair, murmuring gently to her until she had fallen asleep.

Now, looking at the clock on the wall, she saw that that had been less than three hours ago. She leaned over the bed – to find Hilda lying there, eyes wide, watching her. The nun touched her face gently – still burning. “Hilda, what is it, my dear?”

“Nell saved Ian,” Hilda whispered starkly. “I didn’t do anything. It was Nell.”

Stupefied by exhaustion, the nun’s brain refused to make any sense of the words for a long moment. She stared blankly at Hilda, wondering whether to pinch herself to make sure she really was awake. She leaned forward and brightened the dim light just a little so she could see the expression in Hilda’s eyes – and groaned. Hilda was still out there in those cold, dark places!

“Hilda, dearest, Nell wasn’t there, only you. All alone on that mountain! You were the one who nearly killed yourself saving my brother.”

She wondered if it was the fever talking, but Hilda’s next whisper dropped softly into the surrounding silence and stilled her, the hairs on the back of her neck standing to attention.

“Nell was there. I’ve remembered the rest of what happened that night.” Her eyes were very clear and lucid as she gazed up at Mother Abbess. “At one point the pain was so bad that I fell, and lost consciousness. I don’t know how long….. but when I came round, I just lay there. I knew deep inside that Ian needed me but I didn’t move. I felt warm….comfortable…..getting up would have been too painful. I left him to die.”

The soft voice was stark, unforgiving, and the nun’s own voice was raised in protest. “Hilda, you….” But Hilda’s fingers were laid on her lips and Hilda’s eyes continued to bore into her friend’s.

“I left him to die.” She let the sentence, with all its attendant horror, fill the silence for a moment before she added, “I left him to his fate. I refused to get up. Everything was going black again when a voice started calling to me. I ignored it but it wouldn’t go away. It just kept buzzing around me, telling me I had to get up, had to get up…..In the end I got up, simply in the hope that it would then go away and I could lie down again.”

Mother Abbess knew she should stop this now, stop Hilda torturing herself, but she also knew that Hilda needed to get it out of her system, because once she had voiced it, others could help her come to terms with it. So the nun kept silent, longing to comfort her heartbroken daughter, but holding herself still. She wept inwardly as she watched Hilda gather her courage to continue.

“Even though I was now standing, the voice wouldn’t go away. Whoever it was nudged me, kept nudging me – so I had no choice. I had to move. And as I set off again…. I realised….. it was Nell. She told me to lean on her. And what did I do?.….. May God forgive me, Mother, I asked her to let me die! All I wanted was to let go of life and be with her. Ian meant nothing to me at that moment. But he meant something to her, and she told me I had to make a little more effort, that her arms were strong….”

Silence fell again and Mother Abbess waited. The next whisper, when it came, spoke of utter despair and self-disgust. “How could I? How could I do such a thing when someone was depending on me? But I was too much of a coward to go on, it was hurting too much, and Nell was so near! It would have been so easy to just slip away. I would have left your brother to die without a second thought, so desperate was I to be with her….”

Her eyes closed at that point, to shut out the condemnation she was sure would fill the nun’s face and eyes. Mother Abbess herself could only gaze at Hilda in awe. Even separated by death, these two supplied each other’s needs, came to each other’s help! The curtain between them was so thin, so gossamer fine - they were able to slip through it and be with each other…..

With infinite gentleness, she touched Hilda’s burning cheek. With infinite tenderness she tried to make Hilda understand. “Sweetheart, no coward’s soul is yours. Nell knew that, with absolute conviction. She just wanted to be with you in your hour of need – as always, her place was at your side, supporting you, upholding you. But she knew, love, she knew you could do it without her.”

Hilda opened her eyes, and her breath caught on a sob at the love she saw blazing from the nun’s green eyes. No fire could have warmed her as that love did. Blindly, she held out her hand and Mother Abbess grasped it, then knelt on her camp bed and put her arm under Hilda’s shoulders, nestling the aching head there, recognising she needed to keep the cold at bay for Hilda.

She stroked the hot, dry cheek again as Hilda lay looking up at her searchingly. “But I left your brother to die,” she said wonderingly.

Mother Abbess smiled down at her. “No, Hilda, you didn’t! You couldn’t! It isn’t in you to do so. Nell may have lent you her strong arms, but the indomitable will, the steadfast love – they were yours, and yours alone. You saved Ian, no one else did. Your Nell was only along for the ride!”

She paused to emphasize her point, for this woman of steely strength and innate gentleness did not yet believe her. “I owe you my brother’s life, child, as I owe you my own life, and as I owe you so much else. The rest of my life will be spent paying that debt.”

As they stared at each other, a lone tear crept slowly down Hilda’s white cheek. Mother Abbess caught it with a gentle hand and then asked, as though she knew: “What did Nell say to you as you lost consciousness in the car?”

Hilda’s response was so soft the very air seemed to grow still, as though waiting for the answer. “She told me how proud she was of me.”

On the last word, more tears spilled over and Mother Abbess pulled her closer. As desolate weeping filled the silence, the nun wrapped herself more tightly round her bereft daughter.

“Weep, child, weep it all away. I too am so very proud of you.”

#170: Author: Mia, Location: London

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:08 pm

I can't tell you how much I love Mother Abbess and how real these characters are for me now Mary. Of course we love them!

#171: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:15 pm

So pleased Mother Abbess was there - Hilda would have tortured herself forever otherwise with her thoughts on what happened. Of course she wanted to die, wanted to be with Nell, wanted to be free from pain, who wouldn't? But the fact remained that she didn't, she got up, when she could have remained on the ground, she kept walking though every step was agony, she didn't allow herself the blessed relief of unconsciousness until she had made Jack and Joey understand.

In the same way as a person is brave even though they are afraid - because they do the deed despite their fear, she continued despite her longing for rest and for Nell. No wonder MA is in awe.

Thank you Mary.

#172: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:26 pm

I'm sitting here amazed Mary, when I think that all has been teased out of a scenario you open my eyes and show me mountains more!

Wow! Memory has returned, and it's not such a good thing, because, as usual, Hilda is only seeing the bad side, the fact that she would have given up without that ectra push.

Again, MA, tired though she is, is able to pull a gift out of her wisdom, a way to comfort and help her to move a step further on. That last sentence or so is so touching - even Nell was telling Hilda she did well - now hopefully she will be able to listen to those words.

And before that, the indecision about what was best for Hilda - to stop her from talking and settle her for the evening again, or to let her talk it all out.

I just love the words of comfort of MA as Hilda searches for truth. She did *not* leave Ian to die, she saved him, and now MA ows her the life of herself and her brother - and in both cases Hilda has come close to giving up her own.

Hopefully Hilda will now be able to sleep and recover. If not, I'm sure you will pull other stunningly beautiful posts between these two and the other staff looking after her.

Thank you Mary - Amazing.

#173: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:46 pm

Totally agree with Lesley. What more can I say? The 'indomitable will', the 'steadfast love' which have enabled Hilda to rise above her own agony to save Ian ... she is almost becoming a redeemer.

#174: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:08 pm

Quote:

“Sweetheart, no coward’s soul is yours. Nell knew that, with absolute conviction. She just wanted to be with you in your hour of need – as always, her place was at your side, supporting you, upholding you. But she knew, love, she knew you could do it without her.”

Such gentle reassurance here that Hilda was no coward - and a lovely quote from Emily Bronte to reinforce it.

Quote:

“She told me how proud she was of me.”

And that, of course, was the admission which MA needed to draw from Hilda - now that she understands Nell's pride in what she did, she can, indeed, weep away all that grieving and we hope, start to heal properly.

This was another truly breathtaking exchange between MA and Hilda - so much reassurance and love being expressed. I loved the way MA gently went on holding, questioning and reassuring Hilda until she could get her to tell her what Nell had said to her in the car - she is so very caring, and so very skilled at reaching into the core of Hilda's grief.

Squirrel's comment about the 'mountains' you have drawn out of this scenario is very apt - it really does say everything there is to say.

Bless you for allowing us to be part of this - despite the grief, despite Hilda's still-precarious condition, it is a privilege to be observers of such a conversation.

#175: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:18 pm

How much Hilda trusts MA to reveal all that has been torturing her. And, other than Nell, who would be able to persuade Hilda of the validity of what she had done?

Quote:

"Sweetheart, no coward’s soul is yours. Nell knew that, with absolute conviction. She just wanted to be with you in your hour of need – as always, her place was at your side, supporting you, upholding you. But she knew, love, she knew you could do it without her.

Without Hilda's own courage, own love, Nell could not have done this...
And the "gossamer curtain" between them is a measure of the intensity of the pain of separation and the depth of their love.

Love them, Mary? But of course...!

#176: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:51 am

I am so glad that Hilda`s memories of that night have returned in full.
For her to know that Nell is proud of her will, eventually, be of enormous comfort.

Poor Hilda, to be tormented so much by thoughts of her supposed "cowardice", when she exhibits so much bravery !

Looking forward to the next update, Mary !!

#177: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:45 am

Speechless. Thank you Mary.

#178: Author: Guest,

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:13 pm

This is such a touching portrayal of how close these two strong self-sufficient women have become. Thank you, Mary.

#179: Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:14 pm

Oops! That would be me. Too excited by my broadband to remember to log in before posting. Apologies.

#180: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:16 pm

Just caught up on about 6 days' worth of posts. Thank you Mary - beautiful, real writing. I am worried about the infection in the feet, but feel a peace about whatever is going to happen because MA is there with Hilda. Their relationship is exquisite.

#181: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 1:37 pm

Like Helen I've just caught up with several days worth. What a journey!

Thanks Mary.

Liz

#182: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:25 pm

I too have just caught up on a few days worth and I am lost for words.

Thank you

#183: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 9:46 pm

Elder in Ontario wrote:

Bless you for allowing us to be part of this - despite the grief, despite Hilda's still-precarious condition, it is a privilege to be observers of such a conversation.

What can I say, Elder? A privilege for you? No, it is who am the privileged one - for being gifted with Hilda's story.

An hour later, Mother Abbess was once more sitting at Hilda’s bedside, the sound of Hilda’s desolate weeping still in her mind, the sounds of the early morning bustle of an awakening hospital in her ears. Hilda lay quiet, eyes closed, completely spent after the feelings of despair brought about by her recovered memory, and the ensuing tears. Her hand was tucked in the nun’s warm clasp but she had not fallen asleep as Mother Abbess had hoped.

After her tears had ceased, Mother Abbess had held her comfortingly for a while, then gone to find a nurse, who had freshened Hilda up and changed the drip. She had disappeared to return very shortly with two cups of tea, and a tray containing fresh rolls, jam and fruit for Mother Abbess. The nurse had helped Hilda drink her tea, while the nun made inroads into her much-needed breakfast, then had left them to it.

With a view to lulling Hilda to sleep, Mother Abbess now opened her Prayer Book and began to pray her Office out loud, her voice sweet and low. Every so often she paused and managed to get Hilda to accept a grape. The nun was delighted even at this small amount, as Hilda had eaten nothing since coming round thirty or so hours ago. The Office finished, and Hilda still awake, Mother Abbess sat there talking very quietly about the convent and its doings, occasionally persuading Hilda to accept another grape.

As dawn’s early light began to filter through the large picture windows of the room about half past seven, Hilda opened her eyes and searched the nun’s weary face. “You’ve been so good to me, but you need to sleep,” she whispered.

The nun grinned wryly. “I do, love, but believe me, if you could see your face you’d know that your need is greater than mine.”

When Hilda next spoke, her voice, for all its weakness, was very intense. “For He shall give His angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. I think I have had one of those angels protecting me all night,” and she loosened her hand from the nun’s to stroke the nun’s soft cheek lovingly.

Mother Abbess put her own hand over Hilda’s and held it against her cheek, smiling down at her, as Hilda continued, “He gave you charge over me months ago, didn’t He? And you have been tireless in your efforts, but you do need to rest. I’m being so selfish.”

Mother Abbess shook her head gently. She could feel the heat still coming off Hilda and see the pain in the haunted eyes. “I don't think you have a selfish bone in your body, child. But tell me, how’s the head?” she asked abruptly, and when Hilda opened her mouth, the nun added firmly, “The truth, please, Hilda. I’m your Superior, remember, and I’ll be no angel if you don’t do as I tell you. I can be a holy terror, I promise you!”

Hilda gave in and closed her eyes. “Agony,” she whispered. “I will never again complain about my headaches.”

“You don’t anyway, love,” the nun assured her, patting her hand. “And those poor feet?” There was silence. Mother Abbess squeezed Hilda’s hand. “Worse than agony, I guess. Oh, Hilda, love, I wish I could help. If only you could sleep…..

At that moment there was a quiet tap at the door.....

#184: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 10:11 pm

Oh Hilda! A lovely little interlude, showing again the depth of love between these two. It really shows MA as a servent, metaphorically washing the feet of Hilda. Tying up all her wounds, and bathing her in love.

Of course, the physical returns into the picture. Hilda desperately needs to sleep so that she can start recovering, but she can't sleep due to physical, as well as emotional pain. It's going round in a circle, which will have to be broken somehow.

At least she *has* eaten something now. Now *who* is at the door, and will they be able to offer some help and sympathy.

Thanks Mary

#185: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:33 pm

Hopefully it'll be someone - Matey? - who can also tell MA to get some rest.

Thank you Mary - so typical of Hilda to worry about another when she has far more reason to worry about herself.

Thank you.

#186: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:41 pm

Despite the continued physical agony and the sleeplessness, Hilda has reached a much greater level of peace since those last conversations with MA, and the reminder of Nell's validation of her actions. MA must also be just about at the end of her physical tether by now, they both so much need to rest. Perhaps whoever is at the door is bringing help? With so much pain and feverishness still tormenting Hilda, I have a feeling we are not out of the woods yet.

Thank you, Mary, this must be shattering to write.

#187: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:23 am

Thanks Mary

I hope the tap is heralding someone else who can help.

Liz

#188: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:39 am

Again, very gentle despite Hilda's pain and feverishness. MA is so aware of her, so sensitive to her, and Hilda recognises just what MA is in her life . . .an angel.

Thank you Mary.

#189: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:07 am

Quote:

When Hilda next spoke, her voice, for all its weakness, was very intense. “For He shall give His angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. I think I have had one of those angels protecting me all night,” .... “He gave you charge over me months ago, didn’t He? And you have been tireless in your efforts, but you do need to rest. I’m being so selfish.”

What beautiful, tender feeling is displayed between these two here. These two little sentences sum up not only how Hilda regards MA, but also that, ill as she is, she can still consider the needs of others and put herself last - so typical of her!

We know how much MA needs to rest by this time, but she'd rest far more easily if she could see that Hilda was actually getting some much needed sleep, too.

Like the others, I hope that the tap at the door heralds someone who can insist that MA get some rest - perhaps Gwynneth or Nancy to take over the vigil with Hilda. But I also hope that it heralds someone who can give Hilda something to help her relax enough to get at least a little sleep - I know she can't have painkillers or sedatives, but isn't there something?

Another really peaceful interlude, Mary - even the quiet rest, without sleep, will have helped Hilda at this stage, now that her mind is at ease over Ian's rescue and her part in it.

#190: Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:21 pm

What a lovely scene, Mary. Thank you.

It was very touching to see the two women sharing their faith, with Mother Abbess praying the Office and Hilda thanking MA for all her love and support.

#191: Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:54 pm

Having mulled over not posting any more of this until after Christmas, someone on the board emailed me this message:

"My early-morning cup of tea just won`t taste the same without the daily updated ND to read at the same time."

Thank you, my dear, it's nice to know ND has digestive qualities. Perhaps I should market it! Laughing

But your bribery seems to have worked - for the moment!

.....At that moment there was a quiet tap at the door. Frowning, Mother Abbess rose and moved across, pulling the door slightly ajar – to find two women standing there, eyeing her anxiously. The nun stepped into the corridor, pulling the door to, and looked down at the small, wiry woman holding out her hand.

“We meet at last, Mother Abbess,” this woman said, in a brisk, no-nonsense voice, and the nun smiled, grasping the small hand firmly between her warm, welcoming ones.

“Gwynneth!” she cried in delight, and the next moment Matron found herself enveloped in a huge hug. “It’s so good to be able to thank you in person for all you are doing for Hilda.”

Matron extricated herself with some difficulty, for Mother Abbess was as tall as Hilda but stockier and very strong. She’s built almost like Nell, Matron found herself unconsciously thinking. But not in looks, she added to herself, as she looked up into the nun’s face, noting the remarkable green eyes and the Celtic colouring.

She also noticed something else. “You look exhausted. Jack was very worried about Hilda when he rang around midnight and said you were intent on staying with her. Was it a bad night?”

Mother Abbess sighed. “She’s not good at all, Gwynneth, I'm afraid. She’s in constant severe pain – not just her head but those feet. If you could see them! And she just can’t sleep.” She searched Matron’s blue eyes, saw the question, and nodded, “Yes, all her grief has come back – she just wants Nell. It would have broken your heart to hear her during the night. And of course she blames herself for the crash.”

“What?” gasped the other woman, who had remained silent till now, and Mother Abbess turned and surveyed the warm brown eyes and the blonde hair. She smiled and held out her hand. “That’s not Nancy’s voice. I’m guessing you’re Vivien – or Kathie, perhaps.”

“Vivien it is,” said the small woman quietly as she shook hands. She recognised the authority and presence in the woman facing her, as well as great serenity and surety. All she really knew of her was the story of Hilda’s bravery that had been read out when she herself came to the school, but she guessed, by her presence here now, and by the little that Matron had divulged, that she was close to Hilda.

She could see why, just from one glance. She and Hilda were two of a kind. Authority, serenity, and compassion – all the necessary ingredients for controlling unruly children, or nuns!

The nun was aware of Vivien’s scrutiny but just smiled and answered her gasped question. “Oh yes, Vivien, Hilda will always blame herself and forgive others. It’s something you need to know about her if you want to help her.”

She turned back to Matron, whose wise, shrewd eyes were sad and rather lost-looking. Mother Abbess knew of this woman’s deep love for Hilda and she grasped Matey’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go and sit with her awhile?” she said gently, turning her towards the door. “See if you can get her to sleep. Just at the moment she needs that more than anything else in the world - except Nell, of course. I’ll take Vivien off for a chat.”

Matron nodded and walked in without another word......

#192: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 10:23 pm

Oh, I don't know which I would rather have, the priviledge of sitting with Hilda, or a chat with MA.

I am so glad you are contining to post this, it would be far too long to wait till after Christmas.

#193: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:18 pm

Love Matey's intuitative leap that the MA is built on the same lines as Nell - another way in which her presence and strength will help Hilda. Pleased that Vivien is there for her - am guessing that MA is going to pass on a great deal of wisdom.

Thank you Mary - would definitely not have wanted to wait until Christmas.

#194: Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:30 pm

Glad to see that one of my off-board guesses about who might be at the door was correct, at least! Like Carolyn, I don't know whether I'd rather have the privilege of sitting with Hilda or talking to MA. I love Vivien's first impressions of the latter, too - more shrewd observations on her part.

However, I hope that once MA and Vivien have had their chat, Vivien will be able to convince her to at least snatch a few hours' sleep while Gwynneth sits with Hilda. And perhaps if Vivien and Gwynneth can assure Hilda that MA is sleeping, she herself may relax sufficiently to catch some sleep, if her discomfort will allow it.

It would definitely be too long to wait until after Christmas for more of this, Mary - as it is, I don't know how I'm going to manage whilst I'm away and not able to check for new posts on a daily basis!!!

Thank you

Last edited by Elder in Ontario on Wed Dec 07, 2005 12:04 am; edited 1 time in total

#195: Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:46 pm

Oh Mary, what a lovely encounter. I just love the clear-sighted awareness of one anothe that these three very different women have, all bound together in their love for Hilda, and the very different ways in which they relate to her. And yes, Gwynneth must feel "sad and lost-looking", so it's good to see MA's instant loving friendship for her.

Me - I'd choose to sit with Hilda...

And you'd better post a little between now and Christmas, Mary - how else will I get through the beginning stages of school holidays?! Very Happy

#196: new dreams Author: Tara, Location: Malvern, Worcestershire

Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 12:14 am

I'd been thinking that the people at school must be frantic, so it's lovely to see Gwynneth, particularly, here now. She is always so strong for Hilda (indeed, for everyone), and is always somehow on the edge, never at the focus of feeling, so it's really good that it is she who can now take over from MA. She is so often left alone while others are able to offer mutual
support, and I really hope, both for her sake and for Hilda's, that she can make a real difference in her healing process.

#197: Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline

Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:25 am

Mary - I saw this last night, but was too tired to respond then. However, it's lovely to see this meeting. The love of MA as she greets first of all Gwynneth, and then Vivien. It is a beautiful peice showing love and friendship, Like the rest I am looking forward to seeing what MA says to Vivien - and I agree with Elder that if Hilda can be reassured that MA is sleeping it might make it more likely that Hilda herself will get some sleep. Please do post a little more before the holidays, though don't get yourself too worked up about it if you find that there isnt enough time for it.

Thanks Mary.

#198: Author: Identity Hunt, Location: UK

Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:50 am

Dear Mary
I am so glad that help is at hand for Mother as well as Hilda.
The cavalry has arrived , and poor Hilda will stand little chance against their massed ranks of determination, I assume Shocked

Thank you for continuing to post. If you can find time for a few updates before Christmas, it would be wonderful Wink

#199: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 1:31 pm

Am glad Matey and Vivien have arrived Smile

The more friends that can be around, the better.

Thanks Mary

Liz

#200: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:01 pm