A Future and a Hope.
The CBB -> Ste Therese's House
#1: A Future and a Hope. Author: MaryR, Location: Sale Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:28 pm

A Future and A Hope

Bathed in the early morning sunshine flooding into her room, she gazed across to the beautiful lake, whose calm blue waters mirrored perfectly the snow-capped jagged peaks towering over it.

I will lift up mine eyes to the hills;
From whence cometh my help? (Ps 121)

Lifting her eyes to the sparkling snows high above, she answered the psalmist’s question. Her help came from the Lord, hopefully. She had trusted Him thus far and He had led her here, two days ago, to a new country and new people. It was just what she had needed, for she had lost all hope, all joy, in her old way of life. She had no one now, no one at all. Even James had gone......

James! She probed this most recent wound, thereby inflicting yet more pain, and whispered softly, “James, you were my love, my fiancé, my husband-to-be. But more than that, you were my best friend, my fellow pilgrim on life’s journey, both of us looking forward to the future but content, so very content, with the present....”

She closed her eyes and saw him again on the cold quayside, in that moment when he had kissed her before boarding the ship – taller than she, with a shock of black hair above a tanned and open face, his merry hazel eyes now soft with his love for her. The memory of those eyes could warm her or bring her close to agony, depending on her mood. Why had she felt no premonition that she would never see the love in those eyes again? Why had she had no warning that she needed to imprint that image in her heart?

She had met him at Oxford in the early Twenties, ten years ago now, and after the bitter battle she had waged against her brother and others to attain her dream, James’ easy acceptance of her had been balm to her spirit, their subsequent close friendship a bulwark against those, even fellow students, who would deny a woman’s intelligence, deny a woman her rightful place in society. After her graduation she had pursued a teaching career in London while James finished his medical degree, but though they corresponded sporadically, she had assumed that eventually they would drift apart, as absent friends so often do.

However, one warm September evening two years later, he had appeared at her door, bearing gifts and wearing his inimitable merry smile, and suddenly, unexpectedly, their friendship had caught fire and become a deep and rewarding love. Their former quiet understanding of each other, their mutual confidence, had added a mature depth to their new and tender feelings and they had felt truly blessed. But it was a love that was tempered by sadness. Much against her own wishes, they had agreed to put off marrying immediately, for James was studying tropical medicine with a view to working as a missionary doctor in India, and they would soon be separated yet again.

Then, out of the blue, one Sunday morning during a church service, listening to the Vicar read The Sermon on the Mount, she had heard God calling her, very clearly, to give up her privileged life and join James in his new venture, offering her teaching skills in the mission field, something she and James had never even considered. Shaken to her core, she had prayed and pondered quietly for some time, then yielded wholeheartedly – only to be made to suffer such anguish of heart and spirit as she hoped never to feel again.

For James, worried that she was not physically strong enough for the work, had gone out ahead of her to reconnoitre the situation – and had been killed in a train crash the day after his arrival. She had suffered once before like this, when her mother had died, but to have it happen yet again.....

She had let James’ aunt hold her in her first moments of grief, for death, with its complete and unmasked cruelty (Rilke) had felled her utterly and she had needed human comfort. But after that she had staggered blindly from one grey day to the next, her calm exterior revealing nothing to friends and colleagues of her devastating despair, seeking consolation from no one. She had turned instead to God, her one steadfast rock in a world of shifting sands, and she had trusted His promise:

I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jer. 29)

Over the next two bitter years, through a series of small coincidences that yet bore traces of His handiwork, He had gradually led her to a new future, here in the Chalet School in its magnificent and peaceful setting. But it was far from the future she had envisaged, with or without James. It was a very small school, and she had lost any chance of the promotion she might have had, by moving here. But London now, to her, was a vast and lonely place and the school’s distance from her former life had attracted her. No one here would ever know of her loss and her anguish, no one here could suddenly resurrect it all and make her face once more all those heart-breaking emotions. She had slammed the door on her grief - let it stay closed.

But hope? As she let the beauty of the mountains and lake fill her soul and bring it some ease, she thought suddenly of the clear, steady grey eyes of the Science Mistress whom she had met only yesterday. Those eyes had somehow promised her new hope, promised her something she was not yet ready to accept. She had lost too many who had been close to her heart. She could never again open herself up to the possibility of such pain. Could she......?

 

#2:  Author: Róisín, Location: Galway, Eire PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:35 pm

Ooh! This looks exciting! Very Happy

 

#3:  Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:37 pm

Oh Mary. That is fantastic. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

It is so good to see another part of Hilda's history fleshed out like this - although it is so sad Crying or Very sad

 

#4:  Author: Nicola, Location: Derbyshire PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:08 pm

Glad you've posted this AT LAST, Mary. I still love it. It's great to see how the long relationship between Hilda and Nell began.

 

#5:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:12 pm

Glad to see this posted before I go. It is lovely.

 

#6:  Author: Elder in Ontario, Location: Ontario, Canada PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 12:41 am

Also glad to see this posted before I go, Mary - it is a beautiful vignette - and an earlier instance of a journey Hilda has made back from grief. In this case, however, we see her when it's largely ended and she is reaching out to a new and more hopeful future.

 

#7:  Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:05 am

Echoes Nicola - good to see this, finally - thanks Mary.

 

#8:  Author: Squirrel, Location: St-Andrews or Dunfermline PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 8:46 am

Thanks Mary - a lovely instance from the past of a time when Hilda has suffered greatly, but come through so well. And how nice to have found the dawning of friendship in another. I'm sure that at this stage Hilda would be astonished if she was told how close she would come to Nell. It's nice for us as readers that we do know where this is heading.

 

#9:  Author: Nell, Location: London, England PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 8:49 am

Thank you Mary. Beautiful and very poignant.

 

#10:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 2:23 pm

Thank you, Mary, this is wonderful.

 

#11:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:47 pm

Thanks Mary. Glad I caught it before I go on holiday.

 

#12:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 9:17 pm

Thanks Mary Kiss

Liz

 

#13:  Author: Kateth, Location: Heidelberg PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 9:28 am

Thank you, Mary. That was lovely.

 

#14:  Author: Cath V-P, Location: Newcastle NSW PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 1:44 am

Mary! Now I know why I should try to check the board at least once over the weekend...things like this sneak on while my back is turned!
Just gorgeous, and so delicately presented. Very Happy Very Happy

 

#15:  Author: Mia, Location: London PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 8:57 am

Thank you Mary, this is wonderful

 

#16:  Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 8:55 am

O, Mary.

I'm sorry I didn't see this before - it's amazing.

Poor, poor Hilda! To have lost so much at such a young age. She is so strong and brave - an example to us all.

It may be a cliché to say that faith can move mountains, but clichés become clichés because there is truth in them.

Your writing has so much power, Mary. I should know better by now than to read Mary-drabbles when surrounded by my staff!

 

#17:  Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:01 am

Quote:
She had slammed the door on her grief - let it stay closed.
Poor Hilda! Trying to lock down her grief seems to be longstanding tactic. Thank goodness for Nell and the "hills."

 

#18:  Author: calico, Location: Wellington, New Zealand PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 7:30 am

Thank you Mary.
This is lovely.

 

#19:  Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 9:46 pm

Thankyou Mary, I sadly missed this last weekend.. Really glad I've found it now.Your writing is so powerful!

 

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