The Unfortunate Downfall and Demise of Joan Bertram
The CBB -> St Clare's House
#1: The Unfortunate Downfall and Demise of Joan Bertram Author: pim, Location: the Derbyshire wilderness PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:27 pm

A slight ambushing from Charley to satisfy my deep and intense dislike of dear Joanie. I couldn't help it. Well, coupled with a two hour train delay last week I had to do something about it, didn't I? Thanks to Ally and Gem for inspiration, and Ally for beta-ing

The Unfortunate Demise and Downfall of Joan Bertram.

It was just another term at the Chalet School; another day had just dawned lulling the inmates into a false sense of security. After all they were three weeks into term and not one single accident had befallen the school, a fact at which the powers that be were somewhat perturbed. It was almost unheard of in the long history of the school and a few of them were entertaining the idea of rectifying this problem themselves. However, it was rather fortunate that they weren’t going to have to resort to such drastic measures on account of the fact that the weather was looking fairly reasonable and so an executive decision was made to send the school out on rambles to wear off some of their excess energy, it clearly wasn’t good for them. Now as we all know, rambles at the Chalet School are quite simply a disguise for a disaster of some sorts, usually coupled with a heroic rescue by a passing doctor and his subsequent engagement to one or the other of the swooning mistresses present. This particular ramble, however, didn’t quite follow the pattern laid down by its precedents.

The Junior Middles had rambled, without noteworthy event, as far as the Auberge under the watchful eyes of one Miss Joan Bertram, she of the famed bilious attacks (*sigh* say what you mean, EBD woman!), and a generic mistress, not to mention the couple of generic prefects who got saddled with going with the Junior Middles rather than being allowed off on their own and therefore who are par for the course. Once at the Auberge they unpacked the delightful picnic prepared for them, which of course contained cakes with more cream than a sensible person knew what to do with. It was, therefore, rather unfortunate that the Junior Middles took it upon themselves to have a cream squirting contest with said cakes, do you know how violent these things can be when squeezed hard enough? Obviously not, pity. On the other hand, Joan Bertram was just about to discover how violent cream cakes can be. A misaimed squirt from the generic naughty Junior Middle (well, I say naughty, it was a nice naughtiness, of course) caught dear Joanie somewhat off guard. Oops. It also hit her rather hard square between the eyes, propelling her backwards with the force of something which should theoretically have been much heavier (physics isn’t my strong point by the way). Anyway, let’s just say that she was flung through the air as a result, in the most bee-yoo-tiful arc (think OOAO being whacked by Emerence in a sledge, ahh happy days), clean over the protective fence around the Auberge and down into the gaping abyss below. Mind you, her screams did produce some lovely echoes so the Junior Middles weren’t too traumatised, on the contrary, they found the whole affair rather amusing and rushed at once to peer over the fence to see what they could see. The answer to that is, alas, not a lot. Still it gave them something to rush back and tell the school about. On this occasion there was no handy passing doctor complete with elastic car, and the generic mistress clearly wasn’t hand picked by EBD and put in line for an ensuing proposal, alack for her, eh?

At the bottom of the abyss Joan Bertram lay still, grey and to all appearances… well a bit bloodied really. What? You thought I was going to say dead then, didn’t you? Fooled you! She was dead anyway so it doesn’t really matter. Of course in a parallel universe (read EBD’s), she would have been saved by OOAO and her Guide cord (actually, that wouldn’t have happened anyway on account of the fact that OOAO had long since left school, and frankly didn’t care anymore) or a handy passing tree branch as she made her way, plunging down into the depths or some such other coincidental event. However, this is NOT EBD’s universe and this drabbler happens to really NOT like our dear Joan Bertram, hence her unfortunate demise. Shame really, isn’t it? Well, let’s face it; she was a bit of a cow, wasn’t she?

 

#2:  Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:31 pm

LOL

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

 

#3:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:31 pm

with a hint of

Truly inspired Pimmy!!!

 

#4:  Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:59 pm

*giggles an awful lot*
Pim, you are VERY mad.

 

#5:  Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 9:42 pm

What has poor Joan ever done to you, Pim? I know she's a cow to Sharlie - and was to Nancy and kathie in Alternative Rom, but she was a very innocous member of Staff really! Laughing

Wonderful!!!!!

 

#6:  Author: aitchemelle, Location: West Sussex PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 9:48 pm

*loves drabble*
*thinks Pim is very shiny*
*giggles to herself like a maniac*

 

#7:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:09 pm

Shocked

Pimmy dearest, I do worry about you...

On the other hand... Twisted Evil Laughing

 

#8:  Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:19 pm

*giggles manaically*

fantastic!

 

#9:  Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:39 am

*giggles*


NORTY Pimmy!

 

#10:  Author: Miss Di, Location: Newcastle, NSW PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 3:23 am

Gosh, poor Joan. Rolling Eyes



But Very Very Very Funny Laughing

 

#11:  Author: Alice, Location: London, England PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 8:35 am

*giggle*

Very funny.

 

#12:  Author: Josie, Location: London PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 9:25 am

Laughing Laughing

 

#13:  Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:05 am

Fantabulous! Laughing Laughing

 

#14:  Author: pim, Location: the Derbyshire wilderness PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:22 am

Lesley wrote:
What has poor Joan ever done to you, Pim? I know she's a cow to Sharlie - and was to Nancy and kathie in Alternative Rom, but she was a very innocous member of Staff really! Laughing


I've always had a deeply ingrained hatred of Joan Bertram from the first time I read Leader when I was abour 9 or 10. It's been boiling up for a rather long time. I think it started with the fact that I didn't like her name...



















Shallow, me?! Shocked

 

#15:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:35 am

Laughing Very good Pim!

 

#16:  Author: Jodi, Location: Glasgow most of the time PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 12:44 pm

*giggles* ROFL

 

#17:  Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 3:28 pm

pim wrote:
Lesley wrote:
What has poor Joan ever done to you, Pim? I know she's a cow to Sharlie - and was to Nancy and kathie in Alternative Rom, but she was a very innocous member of Staff really! Laughing


I've always had a deeply ingrained hatred of Joan Bertram from the first time I read Leader when I was abour 9 or 10. It's been boiling up for a rather long time. I think it started with the fact that I didn't like her name...



















Shallow, me?! Shocked


Oh that's alright then - so long as it's a suitable reason! Laughing

 

#18:  Author: Tiphany,  PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 4:32 pm

*giggles more than Hilda Jukes*

Really, Pim, isn't each mistress a repesentative of the Head? Would you treat the Abbess like that, hmmm? (don't answer)
Perhaps you'd better report yourself for an evening of sheet-hemming?

*giggles some more*

 

#19:  Author: Alex, Location: Hunts, UK PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 5:52 pm

LMAO!

I never liked Joan Bertram after the book in which she was so bad at her job that she had to swap forms with Kathie(?).

 

#20:  Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 7:53 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
so funny Pim

 

#21:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:26 pm

*giggles manically* Brilliant, Pim! Thank you!! Laughing

 

#22:  Author: Liane, Location: Manchester England PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 6:54 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL but a little Evil or Very Mad

 

#23: Re: The Unfortunate Downfall and Demise of Joan Bertram Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:07 am

So glad you were inspired Pim!! ROFL Laughing ROFLLaughing ROFLLaughing ROFLLaughing ROFL

pim wrote:
At the bottom of the abyss Joan Bertram lay still, grey and to all appearances… well a bit bloodied really.

Shouldn't she be still, red and to all appearances... then?

Liz

 

#24:  Author: Cath, Location: Cornwall PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:51 pm

*giggle* Brilliant Pim! Thank you Laughing

 

#25: Re: The Unfortunate Downfall and Demise of Joan Bertram Author: Guest,  PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:56 pm

pim wrote:

The Junior Middles had rambled, without noteworthy event, as far as the Auberge under the watchful eyes of one Miss Joan Bertram, she of the famed bilious attacks (*sigh* say what you mean, EBD woman!)...
Anyway, let’s just say that she was flung through the air as a result, in the most bee-yoo-tiful arc (think OOAO being whacked by Emerence in a sledge, ahh happy days), clean over the protective fence around the Auberge and down into the gaping abyss below. Mind you, her screams did produce some lovely echoes so the Junior Middles weren’t too traumatised, on the contrary, they found the whole affair rather amusing and rushed at once to peer over the fence to see what they could see.

Is there something I'm not getting here? What are the billious attacks if they're not billious attacks? It's probably against CBB rules to say anything less than super-supportive about any drabble, so I hope no-one will be offended if I say the tone of this one didn't really work for me. I *love* the drabbles that take the CS universe to places where EBD wouldn't have dreamed of going, but I suppose at the end of the day I like them to show some respect to her, and 'say what you mean EBD woman' crosses a line not crossed by (say) Alternative Challenge, where the characters have conversations that would probably have shocked OOAO Elinor.

 

#26:  Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 3:39 pm

I don't think the CBB has any rules as such! Laughing
There are drabbles that I don't read, for various reasons, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one that this applies to. Any drabble that appears in St Clare's can cross the dividing line for someone, that's why they are there.

 

#27:  Author: pim, Location: the Derbyshire wilderness PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 4:14 pm

Guest, I'm sorry this one didn't work for you but I am glad that your felt you were able to offer a more 'negative' cirticism than is usually seen here (I lurk around fanfiction.net and I think I'd hide under my bed crying if people on here were as bad as some of the ones on there). In all honesty, I wasn't completely sure myself that it worked as it marks a total deaprture from my usual style but the whole thing was a product of having spent 2 hours sitting on a train at Lockerbie, not moving, and not knowing what was going on (not an excuse, merely an explanation for my state of mind at the time). The allusion to the bilious attacks was in reference to a discussion (or possibly several) that have taken place on here, and elsewhere, as to what they actually were (solutions proferred included PMT & migraines), I'm sure there was a proper explanation for it but it escapes me - all I remember is that a lot of people weren't sure what they were.

I hope this makes sense, I've spent the day alternating between Gongora's Solitudes and Plato's Republic so I'm not quite sure if I'm coming or going.

 

#28:  Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 4:30 pm

It worked for me, Pim and the fact that it was not your usual style heightened the effect Twisted Evil

I agree with t'other Pat that we don't have (or need) any rules, particularly in St Clare's - which is why the drabbles were split up.

Liss wrote in the introduction to St Clare's

Quote:
St Clare's House is for stories that are more light-hearted than straightforward, EBD-esque CS-fic. These can range from a mild poking fun at the characters to complete parody. This forum is also suitable for stories that may take a different form than straight prose. CBB-based stories should also be posted here.


If you had posted it elsewhere, Pim, it could have been wrong but it seemed to me quite mild compared with 'Holocaust' (where I ended up in a matchbox) or even 'RCS1'.

 

#29:  Author: Guest,  PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 5:37 pm

pim wrote:
Guest, I'm sorry this one didn't work for you but I am glad that your felt you were able to offer a more 'negative' cirticism than is usually seen here


Thanks, Pim, for taking this in the spirit in which it was intended, and I hope you don't mind a little more debate. Re the quote from the introduction to St Clare's, we all know (f'rex) that there are generic junior middles and we all (f'rex again) have a good laugh from time to time at OOAOML having an arc described in her chest, but the thing that made the drabble not work for me as a drabble was the fact that these things were very explicitly said in the narrative, rather than woven into the story - my own taste in the 'mild poking fun to complete parody' spectrum tends towards greater subtlety I suppose!! Sorry you had a frustrating train journey, and glad anyway that it passed the time.

 

#30:  Author: pim, Location: the Derbyshire wilderness PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:43 pm

Seems then, that the upshot of the argument is that we all like different things and wouldn't the world be a boring place if we all did. I should know (Embarassed) having spent at least half my degree questioning my tutors' wisdom in certain selections for our literature courses, but then I guess they'd get pretty bored of 25 of us all turning into Cervantes or Flaubert nuts. As I said before, I'm sorry it didn't work for you but hey ho, that's the way it goes.

And PatMac... I wouldn't have even dreamt of putting it anywhere else but here, goodness Shocked Shocked Shocked Wink

I'm now off to deal with more pressing concerns in my life since MSN appears to be kaput, hurrah for Plato and laundry days (or something).

 

#31:  Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 9:12 pm

I'm not sure why you all dislike Joan so much, but I loved your story Pim.

I guess I differ from 'guest' because I reallly like the interjected narrator bits - they made me laugh. Laughing

 

#32:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 9:30 am

It has taken me a while to find this Pim but thanks for a good laugh.

 

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