The CBB :: View topic - In pursuit of grammar

#1: In pursuit of grammar - FCS Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 8:56 pm

I wrote most of this in my tutorial this morning. Hopefully it will not be too long and it might even be finished this evening, depending how long it takes me to type what I've done. Although I am supposed to be writing an essay. It was inspired by a comment in Eats, Shoots and Leaves, which I have not read the whole of, and brought to fruition by something I saw in a cafe yesterday.

It was a dark and stormy night…..

A black clad figure, with an equally black bag on its back scaled the building with agility, heading for an open window on the second floor. The slim form disappeared through the open space with no trouble. Her target, for any watcher would have realised that the form was female, was the basement - a café frequented by students.

Once there, she shone a torch across one wall. There! She removed something from the wall and replaced it with a similar item then repeated the process on the opposite side of the room. Her task completed, she put the two items into her bag and headed for the stairs, emerging some minutes later from the same window she had entered by. Pausing, whilst skilfully clutching at an iron drain pipe and balancing on the window ledge, she conscientiously closed the window behind her – it would never do for a different sort of burglar to gain entry that way.

Last edited by Alex on Mon Nov 29, 2004 3:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

#2: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:04 pm

Very intrigued......

#3: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:10 pm

The next building that the black clad figure gained admittance to was entered by more conventional means. Pulling a key from her pocket, she inserted it into the front door which obligingly swung open. Closing it firmly behind her she wiped her feet carefully on the mat.

“I’m back!” she called, pulling off a black balaclava, to reveal neatly coiled, chestnut coloured hair. Another girl appeared from a room off the hallway. She had similar features, but darker colouring.

“Everything, ok?” she enquired, then her tone changed. “Goodness, Len, you’re soaked through! Go and dry off and I’ll put the kettle on.”

Len grinned ruefully. “It finally started to rain when I was only half way home.” She climbed the first couple of stairs, then paused and turned. “You’ll never believe what I’ve got…” she began, but she was waved away.

Some time later, the two sisters were sat at the kitchen table, Len clutching a steaming mug of tea. “Show me, then,” said Con, when she was sure Len had everything she could possible need. Len drew two pieces of paper from the bad where she had unceremoniously stuffed them. Con smoothed them out to read and an expression of horror crossed her face. WOODEN TRAY’S ARE BETTER THAN PLASTIC TRAY’S FOR CARRYING SOUP BOWLS proclaimed the first handwritten notice, and PLEASE RETURN CUP’S, SAUCER’S AND DISHES’ TO THE TROLLEY BY THE DOOR requested the second. Con sat in silent contemplation of this woeful misuse of the apostrophe. “You have rectified this, I take it?” she asked eventually. Len assented. “Good work,” said Con seriously.

#4: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:15 pm

Brilliant Alex!!!Please may we have some more?

#5: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:16 pm

*G*Love the idea of a crack squad of CS Old girls correcting grammar mistakes around the world!

#6: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:18 pm

This is the last bit I've written, but hopefully I will write some more now. I'm feeling quite inspired. Please look kindly on any errors of SPG, which I know are unforgivable in this drabble.

Six months earlier....

“Len,” said Con, coming into the kitchen, “I’ve had the funniest letter from Auntie Hilda.”

Len debated saying “Thank you, Con, my day was fine. How was yours?” but instead smiled slightly and slid an envelope across the table at which she was sitting. Con removed the letter contained therein, glanced over it and then nodded.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s the same.”

Dear Len,

I would be grateful if you would meet me outside the Radcliffe Camera at 11 pm on Friday. Please wear dark clothing.

Best wishes, Hilda Annersley

#7: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:19 pm

Wonderful!! Go Len! More!

#8: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:35 pm

Con decided to go for the most trivial issue first. “I didn’t know she was in England,” she remarked, ignoring the fact that they had been invited to meet their brevet-aunt well after the student curfew.

“It must be half term,” said Len.

“Oh, of course.” They sat in silence. “Well,” said Con, “I suppose the only thing...is to go to the Camera on Friday night.” So it was that Friday night saw the sisters clad all in black, sheltering against the wall of All Souls College I have checked and this does not have an apostrophe because it is short for All Souls of the Faithful Departed College which is a bit of a weird name but there you are in the hope that they would not be spotted by any patrolling policemen, although the Square was dimly lit.

It was Con who spied Hilda Annersley first, making her way around the round library building from the opposite side of the Square. Nudging Len, she indicated their former headmistress and, after a quick glance around, they raced across to meet her in front of the entrance to the library.

#9: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:37 pm

*giggles and waits eagerly for the next bit*

#10: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:37 pm

Love it! Please may we all join in?

#11: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:47 pm

Of course you may - after next post, which is all I had planned.

“Good,” was all Hilda said, but she favoured them with a smile. Con opened her mouth to ask something, but which question would have come first is something that will never be known, because a look from Hilda silenced her. “Follow me!” she ordered cheerfully. Around the library they went, until they were standing by one of the metal gratings set into the cobbles. Warm air and the smell of books floated out of the ground. Con had often stood there of an evening, breathing in the scent of knowledge, but it is feared she would never regard this place with the same reverence, for Hilda bent down and opened the grating and climbed into the opening. “Follow me, Con. I’m sorry it’s a bit dark, but keep your hand on the wall and you will be fine. Len, come along behind Con, and please shut the grid after us.”

Wordlessly the Maynards followed her through the stacks, for what seemed like miles, until the came to a wooden door. Hilda raised her hand and knocked sharply four times. “Slightly more inspired than three as secret knocks go,” she muttered. Or had Len imagined it?

“Enter!” came the reply.

#12: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:49 pm

Alex, this is great Laughing

Can we nominate signs we'd like to see changed? Liz

#13: Author: Kate, Location: Ireland

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:53 pm

LOVE IT! LOVE IT! (I know that that's bad grammar. Haha!)

#14: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:15 pm

This is great Alex, thanks! Makes me giggle lots!

#15: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:23 pm

brilliant marvellous miraculous!! my fave stupid sign is 'this door is alarmed.' not exactly bad grammar but open to misinterpretation

#16: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:27 pm

*giggling madly* Thanks Alex!

#17: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:29 pm

*g* I love this Alex - it's truly inspired.

#18: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:31 pm

It took a few moments for their eyes to adjust to the light, after the darkness of the corridor. The room they were in was larger than they had expected, given that they were in the very bowels of Oxford, and was lit by electric lamps, which seemed incongruous given the age of the building. (“You shall not kindle a flame inside the Bodleian,” said Len to Con, sotto voce.) There was a round table in the centre of the room, too high to sit at and indeed, the other occupants of the room, several men and women, were standing round it.

“Welcome,” said a tall woman on the far side of the room. Len assumed that it was the same person who had invited them into the chamber. “Welcome to the Headquarters of the PEP Initiative. Hilda, will you do the honours, please.”

“The PEP Initiative is concerned with public education,” began Hilda, smothering a grin at the expressions on the faces of the two girls. “We aim to educate the public about the use of language, but more importantly, to prevent mis-education. Therefore, whenever we come across, for example, an incorrectly spelt sign, we take steps to correct it. There are several stages to this process. Initially our many agents across the country report errors to us, the Council. There are other, similar Councils in other parts of the world. We then write to the perpetrators, instructing them to correct the error and advising them that if they do not, action will be taken. Unfortunately, most people choose to ignore us.” The members of the Council shook their heads sadly. “In the next part of the process we correct the offending items ourselves. This does involve some work, what might loosely be described as outside the law, some breaking and entering is required. For this reason, operatives must have a strong moral code, as well as being fit and healthy. The skills we teach are not intended to be used for profit. Our agents are mostly retired operatives, although there are some who were recruited in later life, or who for some reason were not appropriate for the post of operative. It is for this position, that of operative, that we would like to recruit you both. Len and Con, we would like you to join the Apostrophe Protection team.” Seeing that she was unlikely to get any response for a moment or two, Hilda continued. “Although the Headquarters of the Initiative are located in Oxford, we work in many places, and few agents and operatives currently work in this city. We of the Council are responsible for different aspects of misuse. I am responsible for the Use of Can and May and Diversity.” She paused. “Yes, Con, I am afraid you have the Council to blame for the many hours you spent pouring over the thesaurus in your teenage years.” She was about to continue, but was interrupted.

“Yes,” said Len and Con at almost the exact same moment. “We accept,” said Con, with a glance at her sister.

“Are you sure?” asked the tall woman. As they both nodded, she continued, “Then you must take the Oath.”

And so it was that Len and Con Maynard became part of the PEP Initiative. After two months of training, they were sent out into the field where they had many adventures and met many old friends.

I honestly didn't think of PEP until I wrote it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Please now join in with anything which seems appropriate. LizB, or course you may nominate signs, but it would be much better if you wrote about them yourself. Very Happy

#19: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:31 pm

Alex wrote:

ignoring the fact that they had been invited to meet their brevet-aunt well after the student curfew.

What student curfew? It this a period thing, or somehting peculiar to Oxbridge?

#20: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:37 pm

Apparently in Oxford, students weren't allowed outside college after a certain time at night, and the streets were patrolled by the University Police (bulldogs). I'm not sure when this rule stopped, but for the purposes of the drabble it's still enforced in 1960. The University Police still have powers of arrest on Uni property, although they don't have cells in Oxford Police Station any more.

#21: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:52 pm

Alex, this is wonderful! Thank you.

#22: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:55 pm

This is really excellent Alex! Great idea!!!

#23: Author: Cazx, Location: Swansea/Bristol

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:05 pm

I hope you write more of this Alex. It's great!

#24: Author: Miche, Location: Oxford

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:10 pm

Fantastic! Although as I walk past the Rad. Cam. on my way into college tomorrow morning, I won't be able to stop myself checking out all the gratings for secret entrances...More would be wonderful please!

#25: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:20 pm

*giggling helplessly* Thank you Alex Very Happy

#26: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 5:04 am

Excellent, thanks Alex! Laughing

#27: Author: Rachael,

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 10:23 am

Hilarious and so clever!! ROFL

Would also fit in well with the Jasper Fforde crossover!! Please carry on .... Laughing

#28: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 11:46 am

This is wonderful, thank you Alex!! Very Happy

#29: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 12:20 pm

What a great idea! This is hilarious Alex Laughing

Looking forward to more...

#30: Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 1:09 pm

Brilliant, just brilliant. Very Happy

#31: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 4:32 pm

Please Alex, may we have someone whose job is to go into libraries, and check books to see how many times authors have written 'like I said' instead of 'as I said' and correct them, and to write stern anonymous letters to publishers?

#32: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 4:42 pm

:laughing: Wonderful! I'm reminded of a sign that used to be displayed in the window of a newsagents in Newcastle. It read: 'Fresh' 'Sandwiches' here daily Weren't they fresh? Weren't they sandwiches? Who knows?

#33: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 4:49 pm

The market stalls which sell potato's, carrot's, apple's, pear's, cauliflower's, you get the message.

#34: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 5:06 pm

One of Len's and Con's first assignments found them flying to Toronto. Once there, they were met by an upset CBBer. After more than a few minutes of talking (the CBBer tended to get rather...umm...talkative when worked up) the intrepid duo set off for the grocery store. The focus of the CBBer's rage was quickly apparent - a poster advertising coffee. Innocent you say? HA! After 345 rounds of "The song that gets on everybody's nerves" the store keeper finally admitted that coffee (or anything else for that matter) cannot be BOTH NEW AND IMPROVED!! If something is new, then it cannot be improved because it is the first of its kind!! If it is improved, it cannot be new because it has to be an improvement on a predecessor!!!

#35: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 6:41 pm

Thanks Alex and Chelsea for your update. Hope people can continue. Am rapidly racking my brains to think of something I can add

#36: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 6:53 pm

Little did they know that one of the CBBers had a husband who was also an operative. He had been to a famous store, affectionately known as Marks and Sparks which had set up a sign over a till in the grocery department '10 items or less' . They agree that this was incorrect and changed it to '10 items or fewer'. However a national supermarket (with declining sales) continued to mix the two signs on the same till. This caused the poor lad to foam at the mouth but they do say he will be better when his therapy is complete.

#37: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:10 pm

There was this sign in college by the till in the refectory which read: Warning. Some foods may contain "nuts". Is "nuts" some kind of eupehmism?

I'm really not feeling inspired so if you want more you will have to write it yourselves.

#38: Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:15 pm

..and then there were the so-called warnings on various electrical items, informing consumers of information that was self evident.. (can't think of examples of the top of my head)

#39: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:35 pm

Lisa_T wrote:

..and then there were the so-called warnings on various electrical items, informing consumers of information that was self evident.. (can't think of examples of the top of my head)

How about: Do not on clothing being currently worn (on an iron) Do not use in shower (on a hair dryer)

#40: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:44 pm

Sleeping tablets come labelled "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

#41: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:48 pm

Cups of coffee with 'Warning - contents are hot!'

#42: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 10:17 pm

Packets of peanuts with 'Warning: May contain nuts!' May???! If not nuts... what else?! ETA: Am rather lacking in nut knowledge... please forgive the nut related error!

Last edited by Laura on Sat Nov 27, 2004 4:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

#43: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 10:21 pm

Or the instructions on food which say: Cook for 1 hour at mark 6. Ensure food is piping hot before serving!

#44: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 10:50 pm

The sign that really annoys me is the ones on lifts saying Do not use in case of fire Maybe it's just me but it always makes me think that the lift shouldn't be used ever in case a fire breaks out whilst someone is in it

#45: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 11:22 pm

Laura wrote:

Packets of peanuts with 'Warning: May contain nuts!' May???! If not nuts... what else?!

Well, peanuts aren't actually nuts! (That's why some people have nut allergy, some have peanut allergy, and some have nut and peanut allergy!) M&S have been known to put a warning on the bottom of desserts that they shouldn't be turned upside down! Liz

#46: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 4:43 pm

Mihiri wrote:

I'm glad I'm not the only one!!

#47: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 4:46 pm

LizB wrote:

Laura wrote:

Packets of peanuts with 'Warning: May contain nuts!'May???! If not nuts... what else?!

Well, peanuts aren't actually nuts!(That's why some people have nut allergy, some have peanut allergy, and some have nut and peanut allergy!)M&S have been known to put a warning on the bottom of desserts that they shouldn't be turned upside down!Liz

So...what are they? Do they make up a class of their own, or do they come alongside some other nut varieties? I completely did not know that! Embarassed

#48: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 5:15 pm

They are legumes, much more closely related to peas and beans than to tree nuts. Of course, botanists recognize very few "nuts" as true nuts. The only true nuts I can think of offhand are acorns and hazelnuts (filberts)! Lots of the common "nuts" -- walnuts, pecans, almonds -- are reckoned as the seed + stony endocarp of drupes, instead. They are equivalent to the pit of a peach or plum. Others, e.g. Brazil nut, are seeds from capsules. They're still allergenic to many people, though....

#49: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 9:40 pm

“This week’s orders are here,” said Con, coming into Len’s bedroom one evening, about a month before Christmas.

Len was, most reprehensibly, sprawled across her bed reading.“Hmm?” said Len.“Good book?” asked Con.

“Not bad…that’s not what you said when you first came in, is it.” It was a statement rather than a question.

For reply, Con passed her sister the slim white envelope, identical to all the others they had received since they began working for the Initiative.

As she read, Len’s eyebrows raised higher and higher, until they almost reached her hairline. “Well,” she said, when she reached the end of the page, “this should be interesting.”

To All Operatives

Annual Correction

On Thursday evening, operatives will proceed to the following regional centres:

(Here followed a list of addresses in various localities)

Operatives associated with Apostrophe Protection (APOs) will direct the proceedings. Each centre will receive a list of offending premises within their region. Operatives will be directed to these premises, as necessary, by the APOs. In addition to this, APOs will be kept informed of new discoveries. If necessary, work will continue on Friday evening and throughout the night.

Nature of the offence:
Signs bearing the text “Christmas Card’s on Sale Here” or similar.

“Oh my goodness!” exclaimed Len.

Their house was to be the regional centre.

#50: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 10:33 pm

Have already seen such signs! Perhaps I should give len and Con a call! Thanks Alex.

#51: Author: Miriam, Location: Jerusalem, Israel

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 10:38 pm

We actually have an Academy to deal with the correct grammer, spelling and development of the Hebrew language. I don't think they have any secret operatives though (or too much notice taken of their regular proclamations).

#52: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 11:22 pm

Lesley wrote:

Have already seen such signs! Perhaps I should give len and Con a call! Thanks Alex.

Or perhaps Lesley could give them a hand. I can just picture Lesley dressed in black complete with balaclava, scaling buildings to change badly written signs etc!!

#53: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 12:46 am

Nicci wrote:

Lesley wrote:

Have already seen such signs! Perhaps I should give len and Con a call! Thanks Alex.

Or perhaps Lesley could give them a hand. I can just picture Lesley dressed in black complete with balaclava, scaling buildings to change badly written signs etc!!

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

#54: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 1:16 am

Lesley wrote:

Nicci wrote:

Lesley wrote:

Have already seen such signs! Perhaps I should give len and Con a call! Thanks Alex.

Or perhaps Lesley could give them a hand. I can just picture Lesley dressed in black complete with balaclava, scaling buildings to change badly written signs etc!!

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

*looks puzzled* It was a serious suggestion Confused

Can no-one else imagine 'catwoman Lesley'? Razz

#55: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 9:48 am

Nicci wrote:

Lesley wrote:

Nicci wrote:

Lesley wrote:

Have already seen such signs! Perhaps I should give len and Con a call! Thanks Alex.

Or perhaps Lesley could give them a hand. I can just picture Lesley dressed in black complete with balaclava, scaling buildings to change badly written signs etc!!

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

*looks puzzled* It was a serious suggestion Confused

Can no-one else imagine 'catwoman Lesley'? Razz

Not anyone who has met me, Nicci! Laughing

#56: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:41 am

But I've met you Lesley!! I think you fit the part rather well... Either that, or I have a seriously over-active imagination!!

#57: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 12:46 pm

Thanks Alex! This should be fun!

#58: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 6:32 pm

Mihiri wrote:

Thanks Alex! This should be fun!

Len and Con ...........or Lesley I think Lesley would do very well

#59: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 8:39 pm

Medication For children- Do not drive or use machinery. Do Not use whilst pregnant or breastfeeding.

#60: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 9:53 pm

I was in a library once when someone pointed out to the librarian that the apostrophe was in the wrong place in "Childrens' library" - and was very concerned that a library of all places should really have correct signs. Liz

#61: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 9:56 pm

Lime green cat suit of course! Very fetching.

#62: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 9:58 pm

Dawn wrote:

Mihiri wrote:

Thanks Alex! This should be fun!

Len and Con ...........or Lesley I think Lesley would do very well

Having not met Lesley I can't really comment though from what I've heard I think she would do very nicely!

#63: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:15 pm

LizB wrote:

You'd think. We recently had a poster sent through from another branch bearing the word 'recieve'. Even if they couldn't spell, one might think they'd know how to use a spellcheck function.btw I have a nut (and peanut) allergy and I didn't realise that peanuts aren't nuts. It certainly is an education, being on this board!

#64: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:37 pm

Mihiri wrote:

Dawn wrote:

Mihiri wrote:

Thanks Alex! This should be fun!

Len and Con ...........or Lesley I think Lesley would do very well

Having not met Lesley I can't really comment though from what I've heard I think she would do very nicely!

Oh good grief! Laughing

#65: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:40 pm

nikkie wrote:

Medication For children- Do not drive or use machinery. Do Not use whilst pregnant or breastfeeding.

To be fair, adults can (and do) take children's medication. I've used children's cold/cough medicine. Some even have adult dosing directions.

#66: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:52 pm

Lesley wrote:

Mihiri wrote:

Dawn wrote:

Mihiri wrote:

Thanks Alex! This should be fun!

Len and Con ...........or Lesley I think Lesley would do very well

Having not met Lesley I can't really comment though from what I've heard I think she would do very nicely!

Oh good grief! Laughing

Don't you think you'd look good in that lime green suit Lesley? shall we get someone to make one for you for the FG? Twisted Evil

#67: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 11:00 pm

ooh, can it have tassles Pat???

#68: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 11:05 pm

Oh, oh, oh, oh!!!!!! I'm sorry! But I'm DYING of laughter over here, and I have some interesting images in my head!!!

#69: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 5:21 am

I am NOT wearing a lime green cat suit! tongue

#70: Author: Rachael,

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 10:55 am

Lesley wrote:

I am NOT wearing a lime green cat suit! tongue

Well, maybe not right now but what about at the Feb G?!! Wink

Spoilsport!!!! ROFL

:laughing: ROFL

#71: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 11:45 am

Stop making me laugh I keep having coughing fits!!!! Loving the idea of Lesley in a lime green catsuit - it wouldn't be very secretive though...

#72: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 12:34 pm

*giggling* Wants Lesley to wear her lime green catsuit *pouts*

#73: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 12:40 pm

Ally wrote:

*giggling* Wants Lesley to wear her lime green catsuit *pouts*

I wonder how many photo's will be taken of this...the highlight of the entire weekend I would have thought!! Laughing

#74: Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 12:46 pm

Lesley wrote:

I am NOT wearing a lime green cat suit! tongue

Not even one with gold tassles??

#75: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 1:23 pm

Or sequins? Laughing

Liz

#76: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 2:20 pm

Oh dear. What have I done?! Lesley, my most humble apologies..... ROFL

#77: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 3:54 pm

Anyone who is brave enough to write Lesley into a lime green catsuit is welcome to try. I am not even going to go there.

#78: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 4:12 pm

Alex wrote:

Anyone who is brave enough to write Lesley into a lime green catsuit is welcome to try. I am not even going to go there.

Now there is a challenge...Hmm I wonder... Twisted Evil

#79: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 7:58 pm

There's always this! Wink

The February Gather ended in tragedy no one could believe it. For that to happen? And on the Saturday, when everyone had been having so much fun. The CBBers met in small groups to debate, they all felt exceptionally guilty.

“After all,” said Pat, “We did all egg her on, didn’t we?”

“I know what you mean,” Lisa_T replied, “I mean, it was just a bit of fun,”

“She did say it wasn’t suitable,” Rachael said glumly, “I mean, to everyone, she said it wasn’t suitable. And just how I’m going to continue living here, I don’t know!”

In another corner some of the others were also discussing it, “Whose idea was it, in the first place?”

This from Vikki, “Well the original idea was Alex’s,” this from Liss, “but I think that Nicci had the idea it should apply to a certain person.”

“And everyone just ran with it!” Rachel put in, “I mean it was a laugh, wasn’t it? And no one forced her,”

“No, but perhaps we should have realised just how drunk she was,” Kathye put in, “then we could have stopped her.”

"And the worst thing?" Carolyn said sadly, "No more cliffs!" Everyone filed silently past the village hall, scene of such merriment in times past. They all tried hard not to look, but the torn lime green cat suit, was mute evidence to what had happened. Rachael felt that she and Rob would have to move, I mean, having a friend’s body removed by the fire brigade, from where it had become impaled on the flagpole, she’d never live it down.

Last edited by Lesley on Mon Nov 29, 2004 10:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

#80: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 8:22 pm

hmm...think the idea will have to be abandoned. very good update but very cruel too to make us think we might do that to you!

#81: Author: Kim, Location: Tipperary, Ireland

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 8:29 pm

I hope certain people realise Lesley, in addition to her post here, is probably frantically (re)writing certain parts of RCS5 to have her revenge Twisted Evil

can't wait

#82: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 8:40 pm

Kim wrote:

I hope certain people realise Lesley, in addition to her post here, is probably frantically (re)writing certain parts of RCS5 to have her revenge Twisted Evil

can't wait

As if I'd do that! Rolling Eyes

Oh and I only wrote the above little story to give Rachael a laugh today - she told me that the idea of me and the cat suit had taken off - she suggested posting it! Laughing

#83: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 10:25 pm

Thank you lesley...that was not only excellent and a smile bringer, but it saved me the trouble of finding time to write one myself! Laughing

#84: Author: Rachael,

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 9:12 am

Still think this is hilarious!! ROFL

:laughing: ROFL

#85: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:01 am

*giggles* Thank you lesley, but what a fate!!

#86: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:30 am

#87: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:12 am

Carolyn P wrote:

Thank you lesley...that was not only excellent and a smile bringer, but it saved me the trouble of finding time to write one myself! Laughing

But Carolyn, we'd like to see your version tooplease??

#88: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:12 am

*giggling*Thank you Lesley!

#89: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:00 pm

Impaled? Knowing what that can really mean, I have just relapsed into the gastric flu-induced state I was in two days ago.I hate the sign at Woolworth's supermarket in Sandy Bay: "All food not to be out of refrigeration for longer than 30 minutes". Why can't they say "No food to be out of refrigeration for longer than 30 minutes"?

#90: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:04 pm

LOL!That was excellent Lesley! Although, I WOULD hate to see you ending up impaled on a flagpole like that! Wink

#91: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:06 pm

Vikki wrote:

LOL!That was excellent Lesley! Although, I WOULD hate to see you ending up impaled on a flagpole like that! Wink

Pleased to hear it! Laughing

#92: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 3:00 pm

Carolyn P wrote:

Thank you lesley...that was not only excellent and a smile bringer, but it saved me the trouble of finding time to write one myself! Laughing

But Carolyn, I'm sure you have all the time in the world for this! We'd all love to see it. Razz

Last edited by Pat on Tue Nov 30, 2004 5:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

#93: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 5:06 pm

OK, here goes...!

Friday Night. Icy cold February. The residents of Fenny-Compton had bared their doors. They knew. This was not their first experience of those whose name could only be hinted at in whispered initials. The CBB were back. Down each street the residents had drawn the curtains and locked the doors. Dogs had been sent to kennels, small children sent away to relatives and hamsters locked in airing cupboards. Last time, they recalled the fairies with a shudder, the one on Saturday had been scary, but Sunday’s, was another matter altogether, two people had died just from hearing the description of the second fairy. Tonight was to be worse than the first time, worse than the second time. This was the night that Fenny Compton would never recover from.

One cottage was not locked, the door was open wide in welcome, the curtains were blowing, and revellers were running back and forth to cars, arms full of cushions, bottles, bags, guns, grenades, books, more books, poking sticks, computers and most frightening of all a roll of sellotape that large it took two people to roll it in through the front door. On the stroke of midnight a car drove up to the house and the revellers all thronged around it. This was the person they had all been waiting for. This was the long awaited Green One.

The figure stepped out of the car, stretched and looked around. “I’m here,” she announced, “Rachael, I hope you’ve saved me some pizza.” A sigh went around the waiting girls. “Pizza, the Green One wants Pizza.” Within moments there was more Pizza than a small county could have eaten all being ceremonially presented to the Green One. “Hey, it’s cold, did you start without me?” the Green One asked.

“I’ll warm it by sitting on it,” offered Gem.

“I’ll warm it by breathing on it,” offered Xanthe.

“I’ll warm it by kicking it,” offered Rosie.

“I’ll warm it in the microwave,” offered Rachael, much to the Green One’s relief.

While Rachael disappeared with the pizza the Green One looked around. Her eyes lit up as she surveyed the silent, trembling village. “Shall we have some fun?” she asked.

“Yeah,” went up the cry. The Green One went back to her car, “Hold this up while I change, she said, holing out a tiny towel. Pat and Jennie rolled their eyes, but did as the had been asked and the group watched in glee as various parts of the Green One stretched and strained behind the cover. Twenty minutes later she turned, “You can put the towel down now.”

There was a gasp. The Green One was Green. From head to foot. Lime Green to be precise. A lime green balacavar, lime green trainers, but the most breathtaking part was the lime green sparkling catsuit.

“Let’ go then, what are you lot staring at, take a bucket and let’s get on with it.” So they did. It took them all night, but with buckets, brushes, rollers and a lot of drink they did it. Fenny Compton never recovered. The Green One had struck. The CBB had painted the village green, lime green of course.

#94: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 5:14 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! *speechless with mirth!*

#95: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 5:29 pm

Miriam wrote:

But they invent words.Something that is unique.And some of the new words even catch on.

#96: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 5:30 pm

:box: :laughing: :jump: :red: :tigger: ROFL

:box: :laughing: :jump: :red: :tigger: *Lesley choking to death she is laughing so hard - "Oh God, I've gone dizzy!"* (Feel really sorry for everyone that got an eyefull of flesh!)

#97: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 5:32 pm

Now Lesley. please be careful! We don't want to spoil it all for the citizens of Fenny Compton, do we?

#98: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:28 pm

Glad you enjoyed it Lesley.

#99: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:35 pm

Couldn't resist this.

Years passed and the legend grew. Once in the dim and distant past, a Lime Green Woman had visited Fenny Compton. The tales were confused (as is normal in legends) and included male as well as female fairies. In one version, The Lime Green Woman was eventually impaled on a flagpole by the evil Demon Drink. Her followers faded away to far off lands such as London and Australia and the house where she had stayed was shunned as haunted by villagers. It’s former inhabitants doomed to wander forever, homeless and doomed to tell the tale.

In another version, she led her merry band of Pizza Eaters in a primitive orgy, dancing through the village with their magical paintbrushes till every house proclaimed it’s allegiance in lime green paint. The stories grew. Her face stares down at us from the roofs, pillars and doorways of our great cathedrals and churches, she appears on twenty first century Banks in Turkey and in Office Towers in Singapore. She is found all over England, some parts of Wales and Scotland and a few rare places in Ireland. On the continent she has been seen and noted in Germany, France, Italy, Holland and is said to be found in Spain, Hungary and Poland. India and Malaysia have their own Lime Green Woman and though she doesn't seem to appear in Native American traditions she can be seen in her modern role as a bringer of fortune on the walls of banks in New York and Chicago. Scholars argue and publish papers variously attributing the legend to the women who rose to power in the twenty first century or primitive female emancipation. She is chiselled in wood and stone even to this day by men and women who no longer know her story but sense that something old and strong and tremendously important lies behind her Lime Green Catsuit.

Drabbles proclaim her as the Goddess that dies and is reborn. She is the Lime Green Woman, Jill in the Lime Green, the Old Woman of the Woods, and many other things to many other women but one common theme runs through all the disparate images and myths, death and rebirth and the Lime Green that is all life. Only the secret cult of GO know the secret. Joey’s favourite colour was Jade Green.

#100: Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:51 pm

#101: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:53 pm

Oh good grief! Laughing

#102: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 8:27 pm

LOL!! I can see this becoming a bit of a theme....... Wink

#103: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:24 pm

*falls off chair hysterical with laughter*

#104: Author: Emily, Location: Land of White Coats and Stethoscopes.

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:25 pm

Carolyn P wrote:

and most frightening of all a roll of sellotape that large it took two people to roll it in through the front door.

Why? Why???!! *sliding gracefully from chair with tears pouring down face due to combined wit of various authors*

#105: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:31 pm

*ROFL*

*can't see screen for tears of laughter*

#106: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:39 pm

This is wonderful! Thankyou each of you for your contributions!

#107: Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 3:54 am

Carolyn P wrote:

Friday Night. Icy cold February. The residents of Fenny-Compton had bared their doors.

Positively inviting pneumonia on such a night! Laughing

Actually,

and

at the whole thing!

#108: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:21 am

:box:

:laughing: ROFL

:laughing: :box: Wonderful!! *sitting on the floor rocking backwards and forwards*

#109: Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:51 am

I can't breathe... ROFL

ow...

#110: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 11:39 am

I want it recorded here and now that this was nothing to do with me! ROTFLMAO Patmac!

#111: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 11:52 am

Alex wrote:

I want it recorded here and now that this was nothing to do with me!

But Alex...you started it!! Laughing

(The thread that is)Have just caught up with this and have to say that walking through Radcliffe Square after dark (as I do quite frequently) will never be the same again!!! Of course if I saw Len, Con and Hilda trying to get through the gratings into the Radcliffe Camera, I'd just assume it was the alcohol and think nothing of it!!

#112: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 11:58 am

Wonderful!!! Thank you Carolyn and Patmac!!! ROFL

:laughing: ROFL

:laughing:

#113: Author: Kate, Location: Ireland

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 12:06 pm

*is confused* Is this still about grammar? Smile

There is a sign in a shop near me that says "Fairy's for sale". Which could fit into either story, I think.

#114: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 3:31 pm

This is hysterical. thank you very much

#115: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 7:43 pm

Brilliant Pat!

#116: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 8:34 am

Miss Annersley found herself tearing her hair.
Apostrophes here, no apostrophes there.
The it’s and its swaps nearly drove her to swear.
“If it’s lime green, the apostrophe there
Replaces an ‘i’ in ‘it is.’
Don’t you dare
Leave it out, or I warn you --
Beware!”

“It’s a lime! It’s a cat suit! It’s Lesley A. Green!
It’s a cliff! It’s important! I trust you have seen,
All those ‘it’s’ have apostrophes.”
Thus spoke the queen.
“But plain I – T – S is possessive. I mean,
That one says of a lime that its colour is green,
An apostrophe there would be wrong and obscene.”

“The hands of a clock are its hands, don’t you see?
And its bell will soon chime, and its message will be,
You’ll miss Break, if you don’t spell correctly for me.’”

You have been warned.

Edited because Miss A probably doesn't spell 'color' in the American way. Embarassed

Last edited by Kathy_S on Thu Dec 02, 2004 5:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

#117: Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:42 am

Kathy that is marvellous!! I shouldn't even be here - I only logged on to check the advent drabble while the iron was heating up, and I've got to go out in 10 minutes! - but I'm so glad I popped in here and saw this Very Happy

#118: Author: Nell, Location: London, England

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 10:30 am

Fantastic! Thank you Kathy!!!! :laughing:

#119: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 5:15 pm

Thank you Kathy!

#120: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 5:17 pm

#121: Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 5:19 pm

Wonderful Kathy thank you

#122: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 7:29 pm

Wonderful way to remember that. thanks Kathy ROFL

#123: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 8:31 pm

Wonderful Kathy! Laughing

#124: Author: Catherine_B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 10:32 pm

That is INSPIRED, Kathy! Laughing

Thank you very much!

#125: Author: Joey, Location: Cambridge

Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:48 am

keren wrote:

But they invent words. Something that is unique. And some of the new words even catch on.

They sound like Yr Academi Gymreig (the Welsh Academy). They invented a word for television which caught on. Everyone uses it. Then someone thought to look up "teledu" in the dictionary and found that it's a species of stinking badger from Java. I love this drabble. See what you all get up to when I don't have access for a few days? It's superb. Thank you all so much.

#126: Author: Rachael,

Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:05 am

:laughing: ROFL

Ow!!!!Thank you Carolyn, Patmac and Kathy - all completely inspired!!*fervently hoping that none of the other inhabitants of Fenny C frequent this board! Shocked

#127: Author: Kate, Location: Ireland

Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:13 am

That was wonderful, Kathy!! Smile

#128: Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 9:44 pm

Have been laughing so much it hurts! Thank you Lesley, Carolyn & Kathy! Liz

#129: Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:34 am

Lol! Inspired!!!! ROFL

Thank you

#130: Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 4:16 pm

Joey wrote:

*giggles* So 'Mi wnes i edrych ar teledu' means 'I looked at a stinking badger from Java'? You do realise I am going to find it VERY hard not to giggle during Welsh on Wednesday don't you?? (PS: Apologies to any Welsh speakers for mistakes in above sentence! I've only been learning it since September!)

#131: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 10:47 pm

Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghhh! Bring on the apostrophe police! While walking through town today, I saw this in a shop window - "Closed Monday's" So, who is this Closed Monday? Presumably the shop belongs to them? Aaaaaarrrrggghh again!

#132: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:09 am

I fixed some apostrophes of someone at work. I wanted to show him the site of the society for the protection of the apostrophe, does anyone know a link to this, or anything similar?

#133: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 11:27 am

Being somewhat behind in drabbles I have just read this straight through. Absolutley brilliant thanks to all who contributed. The grammatical errors in our local paper make me want to scream or write letters to them.

#134: Author: nikkie, Location: Cumbria

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 7:42 pm

In the kitchen of a childrens home- cottage pie has well

#135: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 7:58 pm

keren wrote:

I fixed some apostrophes of someone at work. I wanted to show him the site of the society for the protection of the apostrophe, does anyone know a link to this, or anything similar?

Try : http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/ Or if you get hooked on grammar, try : http://www.askoxford.com/?view=uk If you Google 'apostrophe correct usage' and specify UK only, you will end up with 12,800 hits! Good luck!

#136: Author: Alex, Location: Manchester, UK

Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 9:01 pm

I thought you would like to know that last time I went to the cafe which originally inspired this drabble (which isn't really in Oxford), someone had circled all the incorrect apostrophes in red pen.

#137: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 10:10 pm

Are there any CBBers near there??

#138: Author: Lyanne, Location: Ipswich, England

Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 10:09 am

My boss says 'pacific' when she means 'specific'. Have so far managed not to beat her about the head with the dictionary open at the appropriate pages, but it makes me want to scream.

#139: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 10:24 pm

On the other hand, i had to edit something writtern by someone who is not a native speaker of English, and I enjoyed seeing his correct use of apsotrophes.

The CBB -> St Clare's House

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