The CBB :: View topic - A Maynard Dilemma

#1: A Maynard Dilemma Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:18 pm

My first attempt at a drabble - I hope it hasn't been done before!

“Joey, this really won’t do!”

Joey looked up in mild surprise as her husband stormed into her private hospital room, sporting a black frown and brandishing a sheath of papers in his right hand. As he threw the papers onto her bed she recognised them as the birth certificates of her latest arrivals, the septuplets who had been born the previous day. Jack had been unable to make the birth as he had been stuck in London where he was attending a conference following closure of the airports due to high winds.

Joey had arranged for a telegram to be sent but, characteristically she could not resist a joke and failed to mention the number of new arrivals, stating only that the “babies” were doing fine. Jack had therefore arrived expecting to find twins as the odds against a second set of quads or third set of triplets were astronomical. He had instead found himself confronted with not two, but seven screaming babies.

As a nurse later recounted to Joey he stood for a moment in absolute silence before raising a shaking finger and counting the children. He carried out two further recounts, neither of which apparently reduced the number of babies at all. After a further moment’s silence he turned on his heel and headed for the door, only to turn back for one final headcount. Still faced with seven babies, he made a strangled, incoherent noise and stalked out of the room, apparently bound for Joey’s bedside.

“Whatever is wrong, Jack? Have you seen them? Isn’t it hysterical – I really didn’t think I could beat quads!” and Joey dissolved into helpless laughter. After a few seconds she became aware that her husband did not appear to be sharing her amusement.

“Yes, Joey, hee hee, very clever.” Jack’s sarcasm was not lost, even on Joey. “You don’t seem very happy, Jack. What has happened? Is something wrong with the babies” asked Joey, turning anxious.

“The only thing wrong with those children is that there are seven of them, Joey. Do you have any idea how many children we now have?” Jack stood tapping his foot impatiently while Joey did the maths, counting on her fingers until she ran out, and then wrinkling her forehead over the mental arithmetic (which was never her forte).

“Twenty-eight?” she ventured eventually.

“The correct figure is thirty-one, Joey!” Jack exploded. “We now have thirty-one children, not counting the adoptees who bring the grand total up to thirty-nine! And that is….” Jack stopped as Joey was clearly carrying out some further calculations in her head, as her furrowed brow and silently moving lips demonstrated. “Joey”, he said patiently, “I can assure you it is thirty-one”.

Joey frowned. “I make it twenty-eight, Jack. Where are you getting the extra three from?”

Jack sighed heavily and accepted that until Joey was satisfied, the discussion was not going to progress at all. He sank down in a chair beside Joey’s bed and began to list his offspring. “OK, we have Len, Con and Margot, the first triplets, then there are the three boys, Steve, Charles and Mike….”

Joey took up the recitation, “Felix and Felicity, the first set of twins”

“Cecil, Phil and Geoff, second twins,” continued Jack. “Then the second triplets, Malvina, Marcus and Max, then the quads, Jean, Joan, Jane and June. Then we have the two singletons Daniel and Damien, then the third set of twins, Mary and Louise, then Poppy and finally this latest batch.”

Jack stopped and ran through the list again. “That is only thirty,” he said, looking puzzled. “But I know there are thirty-one as I did a count of the birth certificates recently for some tax forms I had to fill in.” He thought hard for a minute. Triplets, 3 singles, twins, one single, twins, triplets, one single, quads, two more singles, twins, one single, septuplets. Definitely thirty-one. Jack and Joey ran through the names a couple more times before coming to the embarrassing realisation that they had overlooked the girl who came between the second triplets and the quads. After some further hard thought they realised that this was because they had inadvertently given her the same name as one of her older sisters, dooming the poor child to a life of enforced anonymity from the moment the ink dried on her birth certificate.

Jack recovered well from the momentary distraction of this embarrassing revelation. “This is exactly the sort of thing I am talking about, Joey”, he snapped. “We have so many children that it is inevitable that little mistakes like that will happen. Poor little Margot.”

“Constance,” interrupted Joey.

“Exactly,” continued Jack. “Poor little Helena must feel as if we don’t care. We simply cannot go on like this.” At this point Jack realised that he had lost his audience. His wife had taken on the slightly distant, determined look that meant that someone was about to have their life changed, Joey-style, for the better.

“Jack”, she said, “we really must do something about that poor child. Why don’t you get little Felicity..”

“Constance,” corrected Jack.

“…of course, little Cecily, along here to meet her new siblings. We can make her feel wanted and loved by involving her in the joy that the new babies have brought to us.” She then continued in this vein for some time, expostulating her plans to bring poor little Constance/Helena/Margot/Felicity/Cecil out of herself and turn her into a proper Chalet School girl. She then waxed lyrical for a while about the joy of having seven new, healthy babies.

Jack, defeated, waited until she had talked herself out before standing up and looking down at her with a determined expression on his handsome face. He spoke slowly and clearly to make sure that his words penetrated Joey’s post-natal happy fuzziness. “Joey. We. Cannot. Afford. This. Many. Children.” He paused for breath. “We are going to run out of money in three or four years if something isn’t done.”

Joey finally seemed to register what Jack was saying. She looked slightly startled. “But Jack,” she said, “You get paid heaps, don’t you?”

Jack sighed inwardly. Joey might be a wonderful mother, a talented writer, and an intuitive, loving woman, as well as the best head girl the Chalet School had ever known, but she really had no idea at all about finances. He sat down on the bed and took her hand in both of his. “Joey, dearest, you know I love the children, and you know that I love you and would do anything to make you happy, but my wages simply will not stretch to the costs of raising thirty-one plus children. I know we don’t have to worry about school-fees for the girls, but the boys cost a fortune in that respect, and they all have to be fed and clothed. We cannot do this any more.”

Joey looked profoundly shocked. She sat for a moment, chewing her lip and obviously thinking hard. Eventually she looked up at Jack. “Jack, my dear, I have been horribly selfish. I have always just assumed that we had plenty of money. I really didn’t give a thought to how much the children would be costing us. You are quite right, something must be done. But what?”

Jack was relieved that she had accepted that there was a problem. He fervently hoped that she would be as able to accept his proposal for dealing with the situation. He took a deep breath. “We are simply going to have to get rid of some of them.”

Joey considered this and then, to Jack’s surprise, she nodded in agreement. “I can’t say I like the idea, Jack, but I think you are right and that is the only solution. But how do we go about it?”

Jack began to outline his plan. “The babies won’t be too much of a problem. We can simply abandon them around the local area. Someone is bound to take them in and as they can’t speak, they will never be traced back to us. Everyone round here is so willing to adopt waifs and strays that they will all find homes very easily. The school-age children can be put up for adoption by childless friends and acquaintances, and the older ones, quite frankly, can take care of themselves. The only difficulty is going to be deciding which ones we want to keep and which can go. Any ideas?”

Joey thought for a moment and then sat bolt upright with excitement. “ I know! What about that new television programme, Big Mother, or something like that? We can invite them to come and film at Freudesheim, and then the public will get to vote on which children should stay and which should go.”

Jack looked immensely interested. “You know, that’s not a bad idea, Joey, old girl,” he said. “I’ll go and make some calls now.” A little while later, Jack returned looking pleased. “I spoke to someone at the television channel,” he said. “They loved the idea and will be sending a film crew straight over. Filming can begin next week. That doesn’t give us much time. I am going home to contact the boys’ schools. They will need to take some time off to take part in the program." With that, Jack kissed Joey tenderly and left the room, leaving a thoughtful Joey to mull over the possible lifestyle advantages in a little “pruning” of the vast Maynard clan.

#2: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:19 pm

It was chaos at Freudesheim. Cameras and wires were everywhere. The family had been assured that by the time filming started the following morning, all the cameras and other paraphernalia would be hidden away so that they could all go about their daily lives as normal.

The participants gathered in the salon for a final pre-production meeting. All 31 Maynard children were there, as well as the adoptees, Claire, Erica, Adrienne and the three Richardsons. The host of the program was a bubbly presenter whose low-cut top was being eyed with disgust by Len, and open interest by Steve. She outlined the rules of the program briskly.

“Each week there will be a task that must be completed successfully to avoid penalties. On Wednesdays, everyone will nominate two people to be put up for the public vote. The public will vote until teatime on Friday when the evictions will take place. Please be aware that everything you do is open to scrutiny by the production team, so no cheating please!”

Various members of the group looked extremely affronted by the suggestion that Chalet School girls would behave in anything other than an exemplary manner.

#3: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:26 pm

Anne, this is great!!! More soon please!!!!

#4: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:28 pm

#5: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:34 pm

I have one more bit ready so far - I did in it work when I was bored this afternoon! But I had problems with my email and had to send it home in bits. Just retirieved this bit...

Big Brother at the Chalet School was a success from the word go. It broke all previous viewing records several times over as people all over the world gathered to watch the antics of the Maynard clan.

The first major bust-up occurred on the third day of filming. Len was finding it hard to resist playing up her responsible elder-sister role for the cameras, and she was irritating the younger children by trying to organise them into worthy activities during every waking moment. Eventually the nine-year old quads called an emergency meeting in the nursery. The meeting was also attended by the eleven-year old triplets. The seven of them agreed to vote Len out at the first opportunity.

Unfortunately, Cecil who was just kicking off a carefully-orchestrated campaign of playing her siblings off against each other, was listening at the door and she sidled straight off to Len with her juicy news. Len was furious at the presumption and ingratitude of her younger siblings and took a very direct approach to the threat. She simply slapped all seven of them in detention when she next took their respective forms for German dictation. As both lessons took place on a Wednesday, this meant that they seven young conspirers missed the nominations as they were all in detention writing out 500 times “I must not vote for Len”.

The nominees were in fact Con, Mike and Felix. Con and Mike had unfortunately lost the support of the group at the first weekly task. The group had been split into two teams, one team being asked to name as many famous buildings from around the world as possible. Con was delighted as this was a particular talent of hers and she launched into her list with gusto, wondering whether there might perhaps be a hand-made dolls house at the end of it.

Meanwhile the other time were asked to list as many of the food items in the kitchen as they could remember without going to look. Mike led the field in this task, not due to any special prowess in the specialist skill of list-making, but rather due to a particular interest in food. Unfortunately, there was a second part to the task and the group found themselves required to make scale models of all the buildings on the first list using all the foodstuffs on the second list. Mike and Con’s popularity hit rock bottom when the family found themselves attempting to make a model of the Taj Mahal out of baked beans and fishfingers. Felix was nominated because he was a nasty little bully who used to pinch his twin sister when no-one was looking.

Mike was the unfortunate evictee, and Joey wept copiously over him before waving him off from the family home. Mike seemed strangely unconcerned, and was heard muttering something about a nice cheap Christmas card list as he left.

#6: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:38 pm

*mops up tears of laughter!!!!*

#7: Author: Pat, Location: Doncaster

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:38 pm

Wonderfully wicked!!!

#8: Author: Lulie, Location: Middlesbrough

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:43 pm

I just adore this already. MOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMOREMORE!!!

#9: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:47 pm

*weeps gently and slides off chair* ROFL

#10: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:54 pm

Wonderful!!! ROFL

Please please may we have some more!

#11: Author: gigagal, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 8:23 pm

Oooh, this is great! I'm wiping away tears of laughter! More!

#12: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 8:48 pm

I am supposed to be cleaning the bathroom - we have company coming!

The second week saw a number of blatant attempts to curry favour. Felicity and Philippa came to blows in the kitchen over who was going to use the oven to make cookies for the entire family. This attempt came to an end when Anna, jealous of her reputation as the finest baker in Switzerland, laid about her with a rolling pin. The would-be cooks retreated from the kitchen nursing various bruises and vowing revenge on Anna.

Second triplets tried to boost their popularity with an impromptu concert, complete with “comedy” saxophone playing and “unexpected” mishaps. Unfortunately, when the curtain “accidentally” fell down at the end of the performance, the pole landed on Bruno who, startled by the sudden blow, promptly bit Charles on the leg. This did not endear the triplets to Charles who told them exactly what he thought of them. The triplets retorted with various unflattering comments about Charles, culminating in a rather inappropriate suggestion as to why Charles had never had a girlfriend.

Con, who had always felt that she had a good deal in common with the often-ignored Charles, pitched in with some views of her own and very soon the entire group was embroiled in a wholesale row. At this point the two-year old Poppy took matters into her own hands and pooed copiously on Erica’s lap. The ensuing smell cleared the room in short order, but ensured that Poppy was nominated by almost everyone in the house that Wednesday. There were suspicions that Erica might have voted twice.

The septuplets, who had developed a self-preserving instinct at a very early age, all managed to become toilet-trained at 3 weeks old. This initially impressed the other members of the family no end, as the incontinent Poppy was quite enough to deal with on that front. Delighted with their success, the septuplets proceeded to teach themselves to read, write and add within a few hours of their toilet-triumph. Unfortunately, this was a step too far and the rest of the family began to eye them with alarm. Seven child prodigies were the last thing the other children needed, the super-intelligent triplets were bad enough. Feeling began to run against the seven child-wonders who decided to keep a low profile for a while.

The task that week caused a good deal of controversy. The production team had managed to procure from Miss Annersley a recalcitrant middle who refused to toe the Chalet School line. The task was to turn her into a proper Chalet School girl within 24 hours. The family quickly split into 3 factions, all fighting to implement their own plan for the nameless middle. Len, predictably enough, wanted to recommend that the girl confess all her troubles to God and ask Him for help and guidance. She was supported by Felicity who was inclined to be soppy, Malvina, Jane and June, and Mike (although she suspected he had tactical reasons for keeping her on side).

Philippa wanted to send her out in a thunderstorm in company with one of the quads, the idea being that by selflessly supporting the younger child she would learn to think of others before herself. Most of the boys supported her, mainly because they thought it would be funny, and possibly an opportunity to reduce the competition by getting rid of one of the quads.

Margot expressed the opinion that the best thing would be to arrange a near-fatal accident for the girl. Len was briefly interested in this idea, speculating that it would be a good way for the middle to realise that the spirit is greater than the flesh. Margot, however, crushed this idea, stating that she just thought a near-fatal accident would be a good idea. She had a number of supporters, including rather unexpectedly the usually mild-mannered Con, who looked thoughtful at this suggestion.

At this point the group discovered that the unnamed middle had disappeared. There were reported sightings of her fleeing towards the border, but she was never found. The task was therefore deemed a failure since not only had the middle not become a proper Chalet School girl, she could no longer be considered a Chalet School girl at all. The fiasco of the task led to nominations for Philippa and Len. Margot was not nominated as her idea had rather taken the fancy of many of her siblings who felt that by voting out Margot, they would be losing a devious mind of a very superior nature. Also nominated were Con, who had never really regained the ground she lost in the baked bean Taj Mahal disaster, Poppy for obvious reasons, and one of the septuplets.

After the public vote, the septuplet should have been evicted but unfortunately, since no-one had ever got round to naming them, it was impossible to identify which septuplet should be evicted. Joey and Jack (who held a power of veto) were consulted but flatly refused to allow all seven babies to be evicted. The production team therefore ruled that the nominee with the next highest number of votes would be evicted. This turned out to be Philippa and she was immediately offered for adoption around the local area. A charming young doctor and his delicate wife immediately snapped her up and Geoff rather surprisingly decided to take voluntary eviction and accompany his twin. Once again, Joey was rather taken aback by the cheerful manner of the evictees.

#13: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:04 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! Anne, this is a far more worthy way to occupy your time than cleaning the bathroom!!!! *eagerly awaiting the next bit!*

#14: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:05 pm

I am going to have to think of some more tasks. I am thinking progressive games......

#15: Author: Lisa, Location: South Coast of England

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:13 pm

Oh this is fantastic! Hilarious! I love the way Jack blames Joey for the number of children! I'm sure he has nothing to do with it! Him and his super sperm! Shocked

Can't wait to read more of your stuff Anne!!! Laughing

#16: Author: Chelsea, Location: Your Imagination

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:17 pm

LOL (very quietly as I am work).

Quote:

Len, predictably enough, wanted to recommend that the girl confess all her troubles to God and ask Him for help and guidance. She was supported by Felicity who was inclined to be soppy, Malvina, Jane and June, and Mike (although she suspected he had tactical reasons for keeping her on side).

Wasn't Mike already evicted? Or are there two Mike's (as well as an extra Len/Margot/Con/Felicity.....)

#17: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:25 pm

oops - lost track already. Need to explain that!

Immediately after the evictions, the production team suddenly realised that Mike had already been evicted and had somehow managed to sneak back in. Further investigations showed that he had just come back to pick up his favourite socks (forgotten in his haste to leave). Unfortunately, Len had cornered him and bullied him into supporting her in the task. Mike was so used to doing as Len told him that he fell into line without protest and such was the force of Len's personality that no-one queried his presence at the second week's evictions.

Once the sympathetic production team were appraised of his situation, they quickly arranged for Mike's socks to be located, washed, mended and returned to him before he was quietly released from the house once again. He was last seen sprinting down the side of the mountain muttering "Don't look back. don't look back. don't look...." The production team sensibly began to keep a list of who was in and who was out.......

#18: Author: Sugarplum, Location: second star to the right!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:28 pm

Anne - this is great. wondering who will be the next evictee

#19: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:42 pm

LOL Nice recovery Anne!!!

#20: Author: Charlotte, Location: home yey!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:52 pm

WOW!!!! more!!!!! please!! This is Hysterical!!!

#21: Author: Clare, Location: Liverpool

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:57 pm

This is fantastic! Keep going Anne, I've got tears in my eyes from laughing too much!

#22: Author: Cathy, Location: Sydney, Australia

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:58 pm

This is hilarious. I'm sore from laughing. More please!!

#23: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 10:05 pm

ROFL *Unable to type for laughing, as I keep stoping to put arms on desk to laugh hysterically. Neighbours think I've finally gone mad. Anne, please provide health warning for future drabbles of this nature. I'm glad I'm at home not work, otherwise my colleagues would be carting me away and I'm the boss. Classic. Ellen

#24: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 10:12 pm

Last bit for tonight...

The third week saw a number of alliances formed among the family. Charles and Con were seen whispering together in various corners. They were later joined by Damien and Daniel. Cecil who had taken to lurking quietly outside doors and behind curtains, tried her hardest to hear what was being said but could only make out snatches of conversation. She distinctly heard Con say something about “only normal ones in the family” and a comment from Charles about “overbearing, irritating, holier-than-thou attitudes”. From this Cecil deduced that yet another anti-Len faction might be developing. While this suited her just fine, she was a little concerned about the prospect of a four-Maynard voting agreement and she turned her mind to how she might split up this little alliance.

Len herself was becoming a little uneasy at her apparent unpopularity and she resorted to blatant bribery, talking Anna into making a batch of her miraculous cream cakes which she promptly commandeered and handed over to the quads. The quads turned out to be easily bought and immediately decided that Len should stay, at least as long as she was willing to provide illicit creamcakes.

There was an interesting development when the production team announced that one of the downstairs broom cupboards had been converted into a “diary room”. This was apparently a sort of confessional into which anyone who had anything to talk about could go and talk to an anonymous person through a grille. This initially caused a stir of excitement amongst the Maynards who all had various things to complain about and there was a lengthy queue in the hallway for a turn in the diary room.

Unfortunately, Joey who had inevitably insisted on taking first turn as the anonymous counsellor, couldn’t resist pushing back the grille in order to give Felicity lengthy advice about her problems with Felix. When Felicity finally escaped from the diary room and revealed who was behind the grille, the queue quickly dispersed with most people deciding that their problem wasn’t really that urgent at all.

Len was surprised to find the queue disintegrating but pleased as this would give her more time to talk to Joey about her concerns for an odd little girl who had taken to hanging around Freudesheim. Joey had by this stage forgotten all about little Cecil/Felicity/Philippa/Margot/Helena/Constance and advised Len to arrange for this obviously needy child to be adopted by the Maynard family and enrolled in the Chalet School forthwith. After this sound advice Len went to tell the little girl the good news, but was unable to find her. She searched for her for all of two minutes before forgetting who she was looking for and striding off to check that Con and Margot weren’t ruining their lives in the half hour she had been away from them.

The third week’s task caused further excitement among the girls who had great experience with this type of thing. The boys were less thrilled. The Maynards were each provided with 3 random household objects with which to fashion a costume for a fancy dress competition to be judged by some of the young doctors and nurses from the San. Some family members were relatively fortunate and found themselves in possession of sheets and pillowcases and other such items which would be easy to convert into elaborate Grecian robes or Santa Claus outfits. Among the less lucky were Steven who was heard bemoaning his fate when he opened his parcel to find that he was expected to clothe himself in 2 pan-lids and a cucumber, and the youngest twins who pooled their resources and still could not think of anything to make out of their swiss ball, broom handle, two sewing-machine spools, griddle pan and pot of basil.

And with that I am off to bed having managed to waste an entire evening waffling on……

#25: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 10:20 pm

LOL! *boggles at what Stephen might make from his cucumber and panlids!!!!!*

#26: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 10:23 pm

Anne you've set me off again. When I'm feeling blue I'll come back to read this. You can't be sad while having laughing so much. The mind boggles at what can be done with two saucepans lid and cucumber, but it would lower the tone.

#27: Author: Jay, Location: Aberdeen

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 10:37 pm

ellend wrote:

The mind boggles at what can be done with two saucepans lid and cucumber, but it would lower the tone.

But if anyone could carry it off, Stephen could! Wink

Loving this Anne, it's just hysterical! Can't wait for more.

#28: Author: Nina, Location: Peterborough, UK

Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 11:52 pm

Anne wrote:

I am supposed to be cleaning the bathroom - we have company coming!

Try www.flylady.net - a bathroom can be cleaned much more quickly than you would think, Shocked

, leaving you more time for MORE of this Laughing

#29: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 12:37 am

Never mind the cleaning - just please, please write more of this.

#30: Author: Julie, Location: Edinburgh

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:50 am

Anne wrote:

And with that I am off to bed having managed to waste an entire evening waffling on……

not wasted at all - this is fantastic Laughing

please may we have the rich/poor divide

#31: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 7:01 am

Last bit for now....will try and get some more done tonight.

*****

While the younger Maynards were occupied with their fancy dress efforts, Joey and Jack were spending some quiet time together in one of the salons. Joey was scribbling away on her latest book while Jack caught up with some paperwork.

“Joey”, said Jack rather tentatively.

“Yes, dearest?” replied Joey. Jack looked up from the pile of birth certificates that he had been going through in search of those belonging to the evicted Maynards.

“Joey”, he ventured again. “It’s about Daniel.” There was a short pause while Joey ran through a mental list of faces until she found one that had a certain degree of Daniel-ness about it.

“Yes?” she prompted.

“Er, he is a…, well, a he, isn’t he?” Jack managed.

Joey looked puzzled. “Of course, he’s a he. Whatever are you asking that for, Jack?” Jack silently handed over the incriminating evidence. A birth certificate in the name of one Danielle Roberta Maynard, female. The final two letters of Danielle and the last letter of Roberta were rather blurred.

“Oops”, said Joey.

Jack recovered reasonably quickly in the circumstances, heaving a hefty sigh and shaking his head at Joey. “Joey, my love, what have I told you about that terrible handwriting of yours. This is going to cause all sorts of problems with schools, and halfway through the year as well.” He paused and shook his head again, contemplating the mountain of paperwork that was no doubt facing him in relation to this latest little problem. “I suppose we had better check the other certificates while we are at it”, he added. By the end of the check, Louise Mary Maynard had been revealed as Louis Mark Maynard and Joey was entertaining private doubts about his twin sister. Not because of any problem on the birth certificate, but simply because she had always harboured the traitorous thought that Mary was rather butch.

“Oh dear, Jack. What are we to do?” Joey asked her husband, her voice wobbling ominously.

Jack couldn’t bear to see his wife so distressed and he reached out and pulled her into his arms. “Don’t worry Joey old thing,” he said. “If noone has noticed by now, then the chances are that noone is going to notice at all. I’ll have a quiet word with the production team and see if it is likely to cause any problems, but I should think that it will all be fine.”

Joey sniffled into Jack’s chest for a few moments but pulled herself together with a monumental effort. “Jack,” she said, with a tearful smile, “I always said you were a solid lump of comfort, didn’t I?”

****

Hmm, rich/poor divide has possibilities, hadn't thought of that.....

#32: Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 9:22 am

Nearly choked on the mouthful of tea I stupidly took while reading this thread! Can't wait for more Anne!

#33: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 9:30 am

Nina wrote:

Anne wrote:

I am supposed to be cleaning the bathroom - we have company coming!

Try www.flylady.net - a bathroom can be cleaned much more quickly than you would think, Shocked

, leaving you more time for MORE of this Laughing

unbelievable, that was just what i was going to say. how many flybabies are there here

#34: Author: Caroline OSullivan, Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 9:47 am

Nina and Keren - you both beat me to it! I only started flapping my wings at end of April but it's made so much difference already.

#35: Author: keren, Location: Israel

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 10:55 am

well, at some point maybe someone can write Joey meets the flylady!

#36: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 1:24 pm

Wonderful! I love the mix up with Joey's handwriting!

#37: Author: Robin, Location: London

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 2:13 pm

fantastic! just what is needed on a dull Wednesday afternoon!

#38: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 5:27 pm

Anne wrote:

She searched for her for all of two minutes before forgetting who she was looking for and striding off to check that Con and Margot weren’t ruining their lives in the half hour she had been away from them.

Oh brilliant! Glad to see the silly season hasn't ended yet!

#39: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 6:09 pm

Anne this is wonderful! ROFL

#40: Author: Kelly, Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 8:02 pm

*giggles madly* This is absolutely hilarious! Thank you Anne. Very Happy

I've just read this straight through and I'm in fits.

#41: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 10:04 pm

Just one bit today....

******

After Jack had gently disentangled himself from the weepy Joey, he went to see how the children were getting on with the week’s challenge……

The task was proving far more difficult than even the girls, brought up on a diet of crepe paper parties and papier mache sculpture competitions, had envisaged. Only Margot was looking smug. She had been one of the lucky ones who had found herself in possession of items that were at least capable of being turned into something wearable. She had already made use of her bed-sheet, novelty star-shaped pie dish, and drain plunger to turn herself into a passable imitation of the Statue of Liberty.

Nearby Len was trying unsuccessfully to look as though she was enjoying herself. She had opened her party-bundle with a sense of excitement, looking forward to another opportunity to relive her beloved school days. She was rather put out to discover that she was required to create a costume from 3 toilet rolls. Len, used to excelling at anything she turned her hand to, found herself uncharacteristically stumped and she did not like it at all.

Various other members of the family also looked at a loss as they gazed at the random selection of junk with which they had been faced. Jack chuckled gently to himself before moving away for his quiet chat with some senior members of the production team.

A couple of hours later, the family gathered in the main salon to be judged on their efforts. The panel of judges consisted of a number of young eligible doctors (who Joey had selected in the hopes that Con and Margot would follow their sister’s example and find themselves some nice young doctors and settle down nearby to raise vast numbers of Maynard grandchildren) and some rather attractive young nurses (who Jack had invited because he thought the boys deserved some fun).

Stephen was the first contestant to enter the salon and his arrival was greeted by whoops and cheers from the doctors, and some rather-fake sounding shrieks of horror from the nurses. Unfortunately, the viewing public never got to see Stephen’s costume as it was edited out of the show for reasons of public decency. After Stephen had been removed from the room, two young nurses following in case he needed any assistance, a sulky mummy entered the room, trailing toilet paper. Noone recognised the disgruntled Len and noone thought her costume remotely amusing.

The quads, who as usual seemed entirely incapable of any independent undertaking, had only managed to use one of their items and their representation of Four People Just After A Freak Dried Spaghetti Attack impressed noone. Mary/Mark and Louis/Louise found themselves in similar difficulties with their swiss ball centred collection, although everyone agreed that their interpretation of Atlas, the Greek god who holds up the world and Basil, the Greek god who holds up the pot of basil, was quite pretty.

Things went rapidly downhill after the twins’ offering. The second triplets were disqualified for cheating after an investigation into the number of items making up their Great Shakespearean Tragi-Comic Tableaux. It was discovered that they had stolen the septuplets items and utilised them in their own costumes. Their arguments that the septuplets were 3 weeks old and therefore unlikely to be contributing much to proceedings, fell on deaf ears, and the triplets were evicted from the salon with instructions to take themselves straight to the diary room to confess their little sins. It later came to light that they had actually taken themselves straight to the kitchen and polished off an entire batch of Anna’s wonderful cream buns in revenge for their ill-treatment.

Felicity, Daniel(le) and Damien were marginally more successful with Girl Carrying Three Candles, Man Running Away From a (China) Lion, and Boy Brandishing a Poker While Playing the Ornamental Castanets and Wearing a Sunhat. Little Helena/Constance/Cecily/Felicity/Margot/Philippa enjoyed a rare moment of attention when she came in to show off her clever, innovative costume. Unfortunately, as the judges promptly forgot all about her the minute she had left the room, she found herself without a score. Noone else had managed to use all of their items successfully, and it was later discovered that Con and Charles had hidden in the nursery throughout the entire proceedings.

In the end, the winner of the competition was Margot. Unfortunately, since various members of the family had failed to use all of their items, the task was considered a failure once again. This resulted in Len determining that those who had let the side down should be sent to Coventry by the others. However, second triplets quickly cottoned on to the fact that Coventry effectively now contained the majority of the family and that it would be considerably easier if they all sent Len to Coventry instead. Len, therefore, spent the next twenty-four hours feeling virtuously self-satisfied that the family were obeying her directions, and blissfully unaware that the reason for the complete lack of conversation between herself and her younger siblings was that they were in fact not speaking to her. This only came to light when she attempted to end the period of Coventry in time for nominations, and found that conversation did not resume as expected.

On Wednesday evening, Len was nominated by almost everyone in the house. The only other family member to receive any votes at was Felix, as he was still a nasty little beast who noone liked. The public vote was overwhelmingly in favour of evicting Len. However, at this point Joey chose to exercise her power of veto, unable to bear the thought of losing her model eldest daughter. As Felix had received no public votes at all, it was felt that it would be unfair to evict him in Len’s place. Joey therefore gave the matter some thought and decided to evict Ruey who was rather dull and unlikely to be missed by anyone. When the news was broken to the family, it was discovered that Ruey had in fact left the house quietly some days before but had been entirely unmissed up to that point.

After the rather pointless pseudo-eviction of Ruey, the production team called a meeting. They had been delighted by Jack’s revelations about Mark and Danielle, as this would no doubt take their viewing-figures to new heights. They began to plot how to reveal this juicy piece of information in the most tactless possible way……….

#42: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 10:31 pm

Anne, you got me laughing out loud at Stephen's costume!!! Wish Len had been evicted though!!

#43: Author: Charlotte, Location: home yey!

Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 11:08 pm

WOW!!! more please!!! AMAZING!!!

#44: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 1:37 am

*mops eyes and clutches aching sides!*More soon please?

#45: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 1:44 am

Still giggling madly, I love this. There will be more tomorrow won't there?

#46: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 10:42 am

*Mops the tears away* I love the Greek god Basil!! thank you Anne, I hopes there's more soon!

#47: Author: Robin, Location: London

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 10:52 am

and I love the 2 nurses trotting out of the room after Steven - he is obviously not lacking in certain areas!

#48: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 1:34 pm

The fourth week in Freudesheim brought shocks to the Maynard offspring. On the Monday morning the production team called a meeting of all remaining participants and announced that the next week would have a rich-poor theme. Freudesheim would be divided into two halves and the siblings randomly allocated between the two sections. One half would have unlimited access to Anna and her world-beating cream buns, soft beds, plenty of toys and games for the younger ones, and every other luxury they could possibly desire. The other half would have spartan sleeping quarters, plain food, no toys, and household tasks to perform. At the end of each day the production team would choose the person from the rich half who had behaved least like a proper Chalet School girl and demote them to the poor half, while the most proper Chalet School girl from the poor half would be promoted to the rich side of the house.

The “random” allocation process nearly caused World War III, with many a cry of “favouritism!” from the unlucky ones. The production team were impervious to tears and tantrums however, and eventually the two groups were separated and housed in their respective halves. In the poor wing were Daniel(le), Poppy, Charles, Margot, Len, the quads (who had mysteriously managed to remain together – there were suspicions that the production team had been reluctant to separate them in case they actually were entirely incapable of independent thought or speech as was suspected), the Septuplets (again the intervention of the production team was suspected, this time in an effort to keep all the poo in one half of the house), Roddy Richardson and Adrienne.

In the rich half were Mary/Mark and Louis/Louise, Con, Stephen, Felix and Felicity, Damien, Roger Richardson, Claire Mabillon, Erica Standish, Malvina, Marcus and Max and Cecil. The rich half did do several headcounts which showed an extra person in their side of the house, but when they ran through the names, that extra person was never identified. The lucky occupants of the rich side immediately took advantage of their luxurious surroundings as well as the absence of Len, and spent the rest of the day lazing around, eating cream buns and making no attempt to behave like proper Chalet School girls at all. The only brief moment of activity was when Felix, bored, decided to liven things up by kicking Cecil hard. Unfortunately for him, Cecil had been taking self-defence lessons from Joey in case she ever had to rescue a princess from heavily armed men, or wrestle a dangerous lunatic to the ground, and she responded by breaking both of his legs. Nobody found this particularly interesting, but when Felix’s whimpering became too irritating, they all rallied round to carry him out of the house and push him through the fence onto the road.

Eventually he was picked up by a kindly old lady who nursed him through several near-death infections until he was out of danger, before revealing that she had in her youth been a nasty, spoilt little brat but that her life had been changed when some Chalet School girls helped her to see that there were people far worse off than herself. Profoundly touched by this revelation, Felix saw the error of his ways and returned home, some weeks after the show had ended, looking forward to a touching reunion with his twin. Felicity was initially reluctant but soon realised that in Felix’s fragile state (he had been left with a permanent double-legged limp) there was a good deal of opportunity for revenge-bullying.

Felix lasted about 2 days before fleeing Freudesheim for the last time and persuading his elderly lady to adopt him. However, all this was far in the future when the rich half occupants returned to their cushions and settled down for some more dozing. In the poor half, things were very different……..

#49: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 3:06 pm

Anne, that was excellent - love Felix getting out! Please hurry with the poor half! Laughing

#50: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 3:22 pm

Anne, this is wonderful. Will my keyboard survive the floods of tears caused by laughing so much?

#51: Author: Sarah_L, Location: Leeds

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:13 pm

This is hilarious. How do you do it? Very Happy

#52: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:42 pm

Thank you Anne. I hope the people on the poor side are suffering! Twisted Evil

#53: Author: Bookwormsarah, Location: Cambridge, UK

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 5:53 pm

Oh-I-*ache* And I think the neighbours are going to start calling the police over the shrieks coming from the study... ROFL

#54: Author: Charlotte, Location: home yey!

Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 11:04 pm

and the poor half?????? more soon plese!! (it is tomorow now!!!)

#55: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 12:17 am

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanne.............where are you? we need the next bit please!!!!

#56: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 10:14 am

Just read from the beginning! Pure genius ROFL

Is there more yet?

#57: Author: Guest,

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 11:19 am

I am rushing around today so their is unlikely to be any more until tonight I am afraid - will do my best!I am going to be in court this afternoon so I will try and write some then if my client is late!

#58: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 3:15 pm

Oops - keep forgetting to log in before posting!****

The poor side of the house were not enjoying their day quite as much as their luckier siblings on the rich side. While they had been provided with extremely basic facilities, it was initially not their surroundings that was causing discontent, it was the company! Len, while rather put out not to have been accorded automatic eldest-child privileges and placed in the rich side of the house, quickly came to the conclusion that now she was here, she should make the most of it, and ensure that the others did the same. She therefore quickly organised the group into teams and instigated progressive housework, encouraging her brothers and sisters to think of it as a game. After several hours of scrubbing baths, wiping floors and washing dishes, the group were quite prepared to follow Cecil's example and deal with Len in an appropriate manner. Len was cheerfully oblivious to the evil looks being cast in her direction and fluttered from group to group exhorting them to make the most of this character-building opportunity. At one point Margot was privately convinced she heard Len singing some chirpy song about spoonfuls of sugar and medicine and happy songs, althought it could equally have been hiho hiho.

Margot's team, consisting of herself, Adrienne, Malvina and Max, eventually decided that enough was enough. They made a brief attempt at creating fake Maynards out of pillows stuffed into clothes but were unable to pose them realistically enough to convince Len that they were still scrubbing the bathroom floor. However, they came to the conclusion that they quite frankly didn't care if Len turned purple with rage and exploded and they trooped defiantly off to the garden.

Len later found the truanting four lounging beneath a tree, out of sight of the house. She launched into a lecture about the untrustworthiness of such behaviour, and was somewhat surprised when the quartet under the tree did not disolve into instant tears of contrition and beg forgiveness. She was even more surprised at the word Margot used in suggesting that she left them alone. However, Len was a determined young woman and persisted valiantly until she was pelted with rotten fruit that had fallen off the tree. She retreated somewhat disgruntled leaving the four jubilant and victorious. Unfortunately for Len, word got round the poor side and she was soon faced with abandoned buckets and mops in every room. She was forced into the realisation that she had a full-scale mutiny on her hands and retreated to the diary room for a council of war with Joey.A little later, buoyed up by her mother's unconditional support and understanding, she emerged from the diary room and prepared to head back into the breach.

#59: Author: Kathy_S, Location: midwestern US

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 3:38 pm

Poor Len!

#60: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 5:08 pm

LOL!!!!!Excellent Anne!!!Waiting eagerly for more!

#61: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 6:20 pm

Waiting to see if Len will be triumphant - hope not! Excellent Ann Laughing

#62: Author: claire, Location: South Wales

Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 8:11 pm

This has been brilliant - more please Anne

#63: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:21 am

Wonderful, the perfect drabble too read to go to bed smiling and relaxed.

#64: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2004 7:21 pm

*Agres that more would be lovely*Offers delicious dandelions to the bunny Very Happy

#65: Author: Charlotte, Location: home yey!

Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2004 9:23 pm

YEY!!more please!!!*pat's bunny encouragingly*

#66: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2004 9:44 pm

Sends container load of lettuce, carrots, dandelion leaves and premium bunny food. Hilarious! *joins the genral chorus of MORE! please Laughing

#67: Author: Kelly, Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2004 9:49 pm

I'm actually starting to feel sorry for Len. I know thats probably not the point, but she really doesn't realise what shes doing wrong! Very Happy

And Joey doesn't exactly help. Lovely though Anne! Reading this makes a great start to an otherwise awful monday morning! Looking forward to the next bit . . .

#68: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Mon Aug 23, 2004 3:13 am

I just clicked on this to read before heading for bed - and there is no more Sad

There will be some tomorrow won't there please?

#69: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 8:10 pm

At the end of the first day of the rich-poor divide, the production team gathered the whole family together for the results of the swap-over decisions. Len was looking confident - after all, hadn't she been the only member of her group who had attempted to make the best of things, she reasoned? Who else had behaved remotely like a proper Chalet School girl? Unfortunately for Len, the production team mysteriously overlooked her stirling efforts and promoted Daniel who, since he knew for a fact that he was neither a Chalet School pupil, or in fact a girl, was a little confused, and more than a little concerned.

The team had a more difficult task when it came to deciding on who to demote from the rich side. The eventual decision went against Roger Richardson who, it was considered, had spent just a fraction more time sitting on his backside than the rest of his group. Roger did not go quietly and vewing was temporarily interrupted while the police were called. When the program was reinstated, Roger was nowhere to be seen. Once again, noone really missed him since, like his sister Ruey, he was somewhat dull.

The groups separated once again, leaving a sadly worried Daniel, privately resolving to have a quiet chat in the diary room. Unfortunately for him, the production team had anticipated this reaction and had secretly rigged up the room with cameras and microphones, and persuaded Joey that it was time to tell Daniel(le) the truth. Joey, secure in her abilities as counsellor-extrordinaire, was a little taken aback when the news she imparted did not go down too well. Even her final point of "well at least you will be able to become a proper Chalet School girl now, eh?" fell flat. However, she and Jack later agreed that a good night's sleep would make all the difference and Danielle would be a different girl in the morning.

Unfortunately, Danielle had other ideas and it was not until several years after her mysterious disappearance from Freudesheim that night that Jack managed to track her down in a dubious establishment in Paris where her drag-act was the star turn. What Jack was doing in a drag-club in Paris was a matter which Joey pursued with some persistence, but that is another story......

#70: Author: LadyGuinevere, Location: Leicester

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 8:21 pm

Bwahahahahaha! What WAS JAck doing in a drag club! Smile

~LadyG

#71: Author: Ella, Location: Staffordshire

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 8:45 pm

Ow! *Picking myself up from the floor to type - still giggling!* Have just read this all the way through. Inspired! Laughing

#72: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 8:52 pm

On the second day of rich-poor week, the task was also divided into two parts. The poor side were given a series of progressive games, while the rich side were presented with a PS2 and a copy of Grand Theft Auto III. Predictably enough, the remaining boys fought over the controls, shouted ocnflicting instructions at each other at the top of their voices, and blamed each other for missing a the really cool secret area with power-ups and bonus points, while the girls had a brief go before taking offence at the derogatory comments of the boys and going off in a huff. The rich-side task ultimately failed when Marcus failed to take on board Max's advice to "drive up the big ramp really fast and hit the elevated railway tracks at about 45 degrees then hit the brakes really, really hard so that the bad guys' car flies over head and crashes", all screamed in Marcus's ear at high volume. The rich side were horrified to learn that the result of losing the task was that they would be relegated en masse to the poor side.

Meanwhile the poor group had been religiously playing their progressive games, with occasional bit of cheating from the quads who had never really seen the point of this old Chalet School favourite. Unfortunately, they were caught at it by both Len, who took them aside and explained quietly and carefully that they were only cheating themselves, and Margot, who took them aside and gave them a good kicking. The group were quite surprised to learn that they had passed their task (as noone had managed to work out who had won - an occupational hazard of progressive games) but were delighted with their surprise promotion to the rich side. A member of the production team was flattened in the stampede to the comfy cushions by the fire in the salon as the new occupiers of the rich side settled into their new home.

Meanwhile, things were already going wrong for the poor side.....

#73: Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 9:36 pm

Sorry, Anne! I can't pick a bit to comment on as it is all too hilarious ROFL

I know that after 2 posts in an hour we should be sated but ...... MORE, please. megaphone

#74: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 10:33 pm

Ann, this is inspired!!! Love the drag act Daniel/Danielle. More please! Laughing

#75: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 10:55 pm

Tears in eyes with laughter again!! Keep it up. I hope this stays accessible so we can all go and read when needing a laugh. Can't type for laughing. Ellen

#76: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 11:59 pm

*sobs with laughter*

#77: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 11:27 am

*gently slips off her chair crying with laughter*More please Very Happy

#78: Author: Charlotte, Location: home yey!

Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 12:22 pm

*getting strange looks* is it not normal to fall of chair and roll on floor? Sad

#79: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 12:46 pm

Only when reading this drabble, Charlotte. But explaining that to work colleagues doesn't work. Ellen

#80: Author: Charlotte, Location: home yey!

Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 3:13 pm

i guess i also shouldn't be CBBing at work!!

#81: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2004 10:26 pm

Anne, Any chance of something for the weekend to amuse us? Ellen

#82: Author: Nicki, Location: New Zealand

Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 2:37 am

I've just read this from the beginning. It's brilliant!! Very Happy

More!!

#83: Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks

Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 10:40 pm

Starts a loud tuneless chant MORE MORE MORE please Wink

#84: Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 12:46 am

Just read this from start to finish - it's absolutely hysterical! Fantastic, Anne!

#85: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 1:52 pm

Oops - posts getting few and far between. Have been very busy - will try to do better this week!

******

Cecil was not happy at her relegation to the poor side of the house. Used to getting her own way by lying, cheating, snooping and every other sneaky little method, she immediately turned her considerable intelligence to making sure that the was promoted back to the rich side at the end of the day. The best way to achieve this, she reasoned, was to reduce the competition.

A little later in the day Malvina, Max and Marcus were shocked when Bruno bounded in with a note tied to his collar. It read “Help Help I have been kidnapped by a lunatic in a cabin in the woods. Please come and save me without telling Mamma or Papa or any other responsible adult. Directions attached. Love Claire."

After unfurling the rolled-up directions the triplets found that they were required to go 8 miles north, 10 miles west, and then walk down the mountain to a small cave where further directions would await them. Without further ado they kitted themselves out with appropriate gear (some of Anna’s stupendous cream-buns and Malvina’s girl-guide cord) and set off.

A short while later, Claire, quietly playing in the nursery, also received a mysterious message via Bruno-post. This one read “Claire, help us, we are trapped in a cave in the mountains. Only you are small enough to get in through the partially-collapsed tunnel to save us. Do not under any circumstances tell anyone about this message. Hurry. Directions attached. Love Malvina, Marcus and Max."

Very soon Claire was on her way, clutching the rough map that directed her to go 15 miles north, 10 miles east, and down the sheer face of a glacier. That evening, the two groups gathered for the results of the promotion/relegation. Unfortunately, Malvina, Marcus, Max and Claire were nowhere to be found. Since this left the two groups extremely uneven, the production team reluctantly decided to bring the rich-poor experiment to an end and the divide was removed. The reunited group were then given a short period of time in which to consider their eviction nominations…….

#86: Author: claire, Location: South Wales

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 4:55 pm

Very good, never realised how sneaky (evil) Cecil was

#87: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 6:57 pm

And how clever!!! Laughing

Thanks Anne!

#88: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 8:20 pm

Wow - devious! Are the second trips and Claire lost for good? The way they're all running away there soon won't be anyone left to evict! Anyway, what happens next?

#89: Author: Ciorstaidh, Location: London

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 2:02 pm

just read this from the outset - and it's fabulous!!! MOOOORE, please!!!

#90: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 5:21 pm

There was a fairly wide spread of voting at the week’s nominations. Numerous people had managed to seriously annoy other members of the group and there was very little tactical voting going on as it had been abandoned in favour of the if-I-have-to-see-your-face-one-more-time-I-am-going-to-kill-you style of voting. Cecil managed to keep her head and remember her earlier concerns about the Con-Charles-Daniel-Damien alliance. The potential dangers of this group had been reduced by the loss of Danielle but Cecil still thought it prudent to avoid the possibility of a united group of this sort, and she nominated Con. Noone nominated Len as they had given up hope of ever managing to get her evicted while Joey was around. Len who was rather put out by the behaviour of some of her siblings during their time in the poor-half of the house, decided to nominate Margot as she felt that this would be a character-building lesson for her triplet sister. She also nominated June, who had been particularly cheeky to her over a floor-scrubbing incident. Other nominees were Erica (who was inclined to be a rather spoilt, whingey little brat) and Roddy Richardson as there was a general feeling that were wasn’t much point getting rid of two Richardsons and keeping the most bland of the three.

Eventually, after the nominations were calculated, it was Con and June who were put up for eviction. Later that week, Len discovered a horrifying fact. She had been privately wondering how Con had survived every eviction to date without obviously attempting to ingratiate herself. She therefore kept a close eye on her sister in the run-up to the evictions and was horrified to discover that Con had been ensuring public popularity by sunbathing topless in the garden. Len, worried and disturbed by this, entrusted the information to Joey in a lengthy diary-room session. Joey, always delicate, immediately submitted to some strange shock-induced illness with no obvious cause or symptoms, and was carted of to the San. Her place in the diary room was taken by Madge, who had been drafted in as a special guest.

Con was summonsed to the diary room and told by her aunt that if Joey died of shock it would be entirely her fault. Madge was a little surprised at Con’s response of “She’ll get over it.” But her niece was in fact proved right when Joey, tired of waiting for her second daughter to come and weep contritely by her bedside, became worried she was missing out on something and decided that a miraculous recovery was in order.

The production team, appealed to by Len, were unfortunately entirely content to allow Con’s continued al fresco activities as it was boosting the viewing figures beyond all expectations. Len was therefore forced to let the matter lie, although she privately resolved to appeal to Con’s better nature at the first opportunity. In the event it was June who was evicted by a public curious to see what would happen if the quads were separated. They did not have long to wait. No sooner had June left for a new life with an old Chalet School Girl and her husband in Guernsey, than the other three went into a catatonic state, unable to move, talk or think by themselves.

“They’ll get over it”, commented Con before she and Margot wheeled the three into a corner out of the way.

#91: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 5:40 pm

LOL! I love Joey's "strange shock-induced illness with no obvious cause or symptoms" - very CS!

#92: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 5:50 pm

*sniggers*Anne.................... please say you're writing more as we speak!

#93: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 5:54 pm

More loud laughter to worry the neighbours. Please keep this up, Anne, as it is great. Ellen

#94: Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 5:55 pm

Wonderful Anne! Joey's mysterious illness is so very CS.

#95: Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!!

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 6:01 pm

I love Con's actions and they way she saw through her mothers blackmail. Please let there be more soon!

#96: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 6:53 pm

Snickering madly to myself, good job I'm alone.

#97: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 7:07 pm

Wonderful!! Love Joey's miraculous recovery when she realised that Con wasn't bothered!! Laughing

Anne, please keep going with this it's hilarious!

#98: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 7:29 pm

Hmmmmm..... it's always the quiet one's you have to watch out for. Thank you Anne, this is wonderful and hilarious. JackieJ

#99: Author: LadyGuinevere, Location: Leicester

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 8:18 pm

Brilliant!! This is just what I needed to round off a nice long weekend Smile

~LadyG

#100: Author: Ciorstaidh, Location: London

Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 10:34 am

*snickers* fabulous - love Con's tactics (no wonder it's winning her safety!!!) So - quick recount - who's left?

#101: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 2:45 pm

Hilarious, I hope there's lots more. Love the way Con handled her mother.

#102: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 9:47 am

Have just read this all the way through! Luckily we are quiet though someone did come in amd ask why I was so happy. Managed to mumble something about it being Friday. Anne, the is a fabulously funny read. I can't pick out a favourite funny part as I would have to quote the whole drabble. Like other I will be rereading when I need cheering up. Hope you are managing to find time to write some more.

#103: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 11:55 am

Just read this from the start! Brilliantly funny...who is left now? And please don't let Len win!!!

#104: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 4:40 pm

*giggles* *looking forward to a bit more!*

#105: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 4:56 pm

I mustn't read this drabble at work. I mustn't read this drabble at work. Unexplained unstoppable laughter confuses the troops. Very keen to know who the new element is. Sybil? Brad Pitt or other appropriate hunk? OOAOML? Ellen

#106: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 5:40 pm

OOAOML!! Woohoo! Oh, let it be...!More soon please! This is fab!

#107: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 7:26 pm

Looking forward to identity of new contestant being made known! Laughing

#108: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 9:12 pm

That evening the production team gathered all the remaining participants together in the salon and announced that a new contestant would be joining them the following morning. There was an immediate buzz of speculation and surprise from the Maynard clan and when this died down the team continued to elaborate. The new contestant would arrive in the morning and would be eligible for nomination straight away, there being almost a full week before nomination day came around again.

After the meeting the Maynards gathered in small groups to discuss the identity of the new arrival. Margot speculated that it might be Sybil. Various female faces looked glum at this thought, particularly Con who realised that if Sybil caught on to her topless sunbathing scheme, she, Con, might as well not bother. Charles, however, was convinced that they would be joined by Peggy or Rix who had both been planning to visit their cousins before the programme began. However, everyone was in agreement that this was not a good development.

The next morning everyone gathered in the salon once again. At 10am there was a knock on the door and Felicity went to answer it. As the door opened, the rest of the group were unable to see who was outside, but they did see Felicity go pale and take a step back......

#109: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 9:18 pm

Oooh!!! Is it Mary Lou?????

#110: Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth

Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 9:35 pm

It's DEFINATELY Mary-Lou!!! *g* Can't wait!

#111: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 10:56 pm

*Drum roll!!!!!* What if it's NOT MaryLou? Who else could it be?

#112: Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire

Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 11:03 pm

Surely you're not quivering on a cliff edge Lesley? Mind you, so am I. Who is the mystery contestant?

#113: Author: Miriam, Location: Jerusalem, Israel

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 1:04 am

My cats are both staring at me, wondering why I am waking them up by laughing so loudly! before I run off to deal with the catfight that is about to ensue (cat number one has just realised that cat number two has taken her favourite sleeping place, and is about to make it clear that she has exclusive rights) I must just say how good this is. Thank you and waiting for the next installment. (About Mary Lou?)

#114: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 8:20 am

Ellie wrote:

Surely you're not quivering on a cliff edge Lesley? Mind you, so am I. Who is the mystery contestant?

Well, it wasn't a major cliff - more a sense of antici................ pation! Wink

#115: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 8:50 am

Cruel, cruel way to leave it. Please please post today to put us out of our ignorance, even if it is only a few sentences. Ellen

#116: Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 6:03 pm

Anne? Where are you? Please end the suspense!

#117: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 8:28 pm

Who is it? Please, let us know, I don't think we can stand the suspense. *hunts out the Rocky Horror Ray Guns if Anne persists on being all Frank-ish* JackieJ

#118: Author: Anne, Location: London

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 9:27 pm

The Maynard group watched in tense anticipation as Felicity slowly backed away from the door which creaked further open to reveal..... ....

"Mary-Lou!" croaked Len in something that might have been delight.

Con groaned inwardly. Len v Mary-Lou. This was something they did not need. Margot heaved a sigh and as she caught her triplet sister's eye they both slid quietly out of their seats and headed for the kitchen.

"I need a drink", Margot was distinctly heard to mutter as they left. Cecil's reaction was somewhat different as she threw herself on Mary-Lou in exaggerated delight, an evil glint in her eye.....

#119: Author: ellend, Location: Bow, London

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 10:54 pm

Thanks Anne, you did post only a few sentences, but still enough to create a giggle. I think I'd have joined Margot in raiding the booze cupboard. I don't think Con need worry about changing tactics. Ellen

#120: Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!!

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 11:35 pm

*wonders what's behind Cecil's evil glint!*

#121: Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 11:51 pm

Looking forward to the next bit! Laughing

#122: Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 12:35 pm

Hmmm.... I'm also wondering what Cecil is planning. More please? JackieJ

#123: Author: Elisabeth,

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 3:15 pm

Just read this whole thing from the beginning Anne. It's absolutely hilarious! More please.

#124: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 4:10 pm

I should think that everyone will e fighting to get at the booze cupboard now that OOAO has arrived!

#125: Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 5:50 pm

Love the idea of Len vs ML, each trying to 'out-chalet' the other. Laughing

#126: Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 6:13 pm

*G* I knew it! This promises to be EXTREMELY interesting...

#127: Author: claire, Location: South Wales

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 7:26 pm

Anne wrote:

Cecil's reaction was somewhat different as she threw herself on Mary-Lou in exaggerated delight, an evil glint in her eye.....

Possibly next bit Cecil's hands tightened around Mary-Lou's throat, the much younger girl easily overpowering her old enemy. The producer's looked on with glee, a live-muder was bound to up the ratings!

#128: Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 7:49 pm

Or perhaps she had a knife concealed up her sleeve?

#129: Author: Liss, Location: Harrow, London

Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2004 12:17 pm

This is outrageously funny, Anne! Please post more soon! But surely the only one left will be little Helena-Constance-Margaret-Felicity-Cecil-Philippa... as no-one will remembered to evict her!

#130: Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle

Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2004 2:47 pm

Len vs Mary-Lou - fabulous, the rest will never get a minutes peace!

#131: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 9:21 am

This is soooo funny! Just read it all the way through and my sides are aching from laughing. I'm going to be chuckling to myself all day now

Looking forward to the next installment ...

#132: Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster

Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 11:37 am

*shrieking with hysterical laughter* Well I would be if I wasn't in the languages lab but you know what I mean! Pure genius...

#133: Author: Laura, Location: London (ish)

Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 3:41 pm

Thanks - this is just so good! Pleaaaase can we have some more though?! Apologies for the greediness...!

#134: Author: Joan the Dwarf, Location: Er, where am I?

Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 4:01 pm

More! More! More! (Read this all through in one sitting today and I love it!)

#135: Author: auntie karry, Location: Stoke on Trent

Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 5:07 pm

echoes Joan! Where is the end of this???? What happens when Mary-Lou goes head-to-head with Len? What is Cecil going to do? We Want More!!!!

#136: Author: Josie, Location: London

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:47 pm

Any chance of any more of this? Pretty please! drummer

(dunno why, just like his hat!)

#137: Author: Ciorstaidh, Location: London

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2004 12:43 pm

:jump: :red: :tigger: :jump: :red: :tigger: I like drabble bouncing... may we have the next part, please? *begging*

#138: Author: Nicci, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 11:13 pm

Anne - I've just read all of this - I was away when you started it and have only just found it because of the nominations. It is soo soo funny. Please continue it!!!

The CBB -> St Clare's House

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