CS - Resurrection
The CBB -> St Clare's House
#1: CS - Resurrection Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:15 am

The deranged man charged down the Platz, axe swinging dangerously in his hands. He had left a trail of carnage and destruction, with girls, mistresses, and even the man he had until recently considered his best friend left dead. Now, there was one final person who must pay the price.

“Oh bother!” he said as he tripped over a bunch of young kids sitting around. His axe fell out of his hands, and one of them - a young boy in an orange anorak - went to pick it up.

Screaming savagely, the mad one got there first and swung with all his might, decapitating the boy instantly. “Oh my god - you killed Kenny!” screamed one of the boy’s friends.

“You nasty man!” added a shorter and fatter boy, wishing to say something a tad stronger, but knowing that even this language was pushing it a bit when they were so close to the famous Chalet School, where ‘smashing’ would see you fined an amount of money which was roughly equal to the GDP of many African countries. “You killed Kenny!”

The man groaned, and realised that the time had come to do what he must. He wasn’t quite sure why he must, but no doubt it would all become clear eventually. Raising the axe high, he swung sideways, and buried it - deep into his own neck.

Looking downward, the man saw his own corpse - a somewhat bizarre feeling. He heard a cough, and turned to the side automatically.

“Hello hello! Sounds like someone’s not too well.”

“YOU COULD SAY THAT” agreed the skeleton standing to his side. “OVERWORKED, FOR ONE THING. ALTHOUGH AT LEAST THERE WASN’T MUCH TRAVELLING TO DO - THANKS TO YOU.”

“You mean, I - I…” The memories came flooding back to haunt the soul of the dead man.

Death nodded. “YES, YOU - YOU…”

“But why?” asked the bewildered man.

“I DON’T KNOW. BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. YOU HAVE ETERNITY TO FIND OUT.”

 

#2:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:28 am

(That was the prologue, btw)

Chapter One:

Chapter One

Six months later Madge Russell sobbed mercilessly into the arms of her friend Hilda Annersley. “All those years… all that time I thought he was a good man, apart from being vain, obnoxious, and chronically unfaithful… and it turns out… it turns out… I married…”

“Norman Bates with a stethoscope,” Hilda put it.

“Exactly! Norman Bates with a stethoscope! Hilda, what will everyone think? Surely no-one will send their children back to be educated in a school where the little darlings could be murdered at any minute? And look at those we have lost… some of our brightest and best!”

“Yes indeed,” Hilda said soothingly, although in truth, she was somewhat worried for Madge’s sanity if she was really describing Meg Whyte, Pamela Jackson and Iris Wilmot as some of the school’s “brightest and best.”

Madge carried on crying. “And poor Len, Con, Margot, Stephen, Mike, and the others whose names I can never remember! Rendered fatherless by their favourite uncle!”

Hilda strove to be accurate, as always. “I think Dick’s probably overtaken him now, actually.”

Madge continued, as if she hadn’t heard Hilda, or was just ignoring her as she usually did. “And poor Sarah-Louise Platt! This must bring back so many bad memories for that dear, dear, child!”

Hilda snorted. “Yes, well, she seems to be partly to blame. It’s always men around her who turn psychotic. Possibly because of the way she rolls her skirt up to reveal more of her legs. You don‘t see ME doing that.” Hilda pushed Madge off her lap, stood up, and proved herself wrong by doing that exact action. “I could if I wanted, though. I have the legs for it. But there will be no skirt-rolling at the Chalet School! None, I say!”

Madge looked up from where she had fallen, and was somewhat worried by the mad glint in Hilda’s eye. On the other hand, Jem had never had a mad glint in his eye, and had hardly proven to be carrying the full complement of apples in his basket, so perhaps she couldn’t really judge things.

 

#3:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:41 am

So how many different x overs are you going to fit into this story, James? And how mny will I manage to recognise?

 

#4:  Author: Lesley, Location: Allhallows, Kent PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 6:40 am

Love that - thanks James! Laughing

 

#5:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 6:46 am

A little more...

Mary-Lou Trelawney was a little bit worried about going back to school. Oh, not school itself - after all, she was easily the most adored Sixth Former the place had, with even Kathy Ferrars finally seeing sense and realising how wonderful she was. (Although to be honest, that glacier accident had taken far too much effort to fix - especially when if she’d thought a tiny bit more carefully, she could just have let the stupid woman fall for the same result - she’d still have been loved by 100% of the staff again, it would just have been a little bit smaller staff.) No, the one thing which upset her slightly was her last conversation with her brevet aunt, Jo Maynard. Going to see her after Jo’s husband’s slaughter at the hands of her brother in law, she had naturally assumed that she would be able to make Jo feel better instantly. Things hadn’t quite turned out that way, though.

“Aunt Joey,” Our One And Only had said confidently, “You’re always getting me to help other people - well, let me help you now. If you’d like to talk, I am the obvious one for you to talk to. After all, my father was a hero, just like Uncle Jack was.”

Joey turned and looked at Mary-Lou with a bitter expression in her face. “He was NOT just like Jack! He didn’t save anywhere near as many lives as Jack did! And they weren’t even Chalet girls, or Sanitorium doctors! Jack was a BETTER hero! And don’t you forget it!”

“Of course not, Aunt Joey,” Mary-Lou had mumbled, and made her retreat. The conversation still burned in her memory. How on earth could she have been so insensitive?

 

#6:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 7:07 am

References are now getting a tad obscure... 10 points to anyone who works out (in FULL) what this bit's based on Smile

“Mummy! I’ve told you time and time again that I hate boarding school. Why are you sending me to another one?” Loveday Carey-Lewis stamped her foot and scowled at her mother Diana.

Diana laughed merrily. “Oh come, Loveday. It’s not like boarding school at all. You’ll still be here at glorious Nancherrow - there’ll just be lots and lots of girls and boys to share it with. Wasn’t that a clever idea of Mummy’s?”

Her husband the Colonel interjected. “If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain. Or something like that. Eh, what.”

“Yes, well, something like that.” Diana replied to her husband. Turning back to her daughter, she smiled her brilliant smile again. “And Judith will be here with you - you’re even in the same dormy. So you’ll love that.”

Loveday shrugged. “Judith is bizarre these days. Spends half her time wanting to be Manchester United’s first female player, and the other half having bizarre and slightly dirty dreams about being captured by pirates and rescued by an elf. I ask you!”

“Nonsense!” Diana laughed merrily. “Are you sure you’re not just jealous because she’s one of the most gorgeous women in the world and no-one’s ever really going to hear of you, pumpkin?” Loveday rolled her eyes and stormed off to her room.

“Don’t worry dear,” said the Colonel. “She’ll be alright. Unlike next door’s occupants. Damn shame, that flu killing off all 37 of them.”

“Yes,” Diana nodded sadly. “But I hear we’re getting very exciting new neighbours. A charming family, and the mother’s a well-known author. Josephine M. Bettany!”

“Jolly good show,” said the Colonel.

 

#7:  Author: Elzbie, Location: London PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:54 pm

Ummmm, something about Keira Knightly? A bit lost apart from that though. Thoroughly enjoying the randomness.... who or what is next? Can we make KK meet a horrible death..... Twisted Evil

 

#8:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 2:08 pm

I got the Keira Knightley bit in the middle too but other than that I have to admit I'm mostly lost.

 

#9:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 2:57 pm

Good start James... but may be slightly cheating for me, a you told me about it yesterday! Laughing

 

#10:  Author: Donna, Location: Liverpool PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 3:41 pm

Isn't nancherrow something to do with a Rosamund Pilcher book? *vague memories of a TV series a few years ago* and I got the Keira Knightley references too, but otherwise I'm lost! and I was doing so well up to now! Smile This is a great start James - but you already knew i liked it! Smile

 

#11:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 4:33 pm

Must admit I wouldn't have got it if it weren't for you telling me yesterday! Embarassed Looking very good James! Thank you!! Very Happy

 

#12:  Author: Lisa_T, Location: Belfast PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 4:55 pm

Ok, Corrie Bend it Like Beckham Coming Home Am I right, James? Sending Sarah Platt to the CS is fantastic! What about Bethany? I'm Jo would adopt her happily enough...

 

#13:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 6:03 pm

James wrote:
“He was NOT just like Jack! He didn’t save anywhere near as many lives as Jack did! And they weren’t even Chalet girls, or Sanitorium doctors! Jack was a BETTER hero! And don’t you forget it!”
*ROFL*

 

#14:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 6:23 pm

Congrats to everyone who got the Keira ref... Nancherrow is indeed from a Rosamunde Pilcher book, Coming Home (as someone stated), which was adapted for TV with Keira playing the young Judith. Told you they were getting obscure!

 

#15:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 8:25 pm

Just a tiny bit of exposition...

Nancy Wilmot and her great friend Kathy Ferrars were talking about the changes coming to the school. “Strange to see boys around the place,” Nancy said, “Especially for those of us who’ve been here so long.”

“Yes,” Kathy nodded. “At least with being quite new it’s less of a shock to the system for me. But I still can’t believe we’re here in Cornwall, after being so thrilled to be in Switzerland.”

Nancy agreed, “Yes, not quite as exciting, but I can quite understand why Madame and Jo wanted to be far, far away from the Platz after what happened.”

“Oh, quite!” was the reply, and the two women walked on, thinking quietly about the tragedy which had befallen the school.

A few weeks later, the school reopened in Nancherrow. It was a much changed school, with many new pupils and staff, including boys - all the way through the school, for the first time in its history. The train journey down to the South West of England was fairly uneventful, but passed quickly for most of them, especially the newcomers, eager to learn more about the famous school they were now joining.

The Upper Sixth were congregated in a carriage on their own, with Sybil Russell noticeably quiet, and the rest treading on eggshells to avoid mentioning her father. Nan Herbert and Elinor Pennell were carrying on a desultory conversation about the chances of any of the new girls being writers good enough to appear in the Chaletian, when a stunning young lady walked into the carriage.

“Hi!” she greeted them with a warm smile. The girls immediately noticed her American accent, and her incredible good looks. “I’m Serena Van Der Woodsen - new here this term. I’m so thrilled to meet you all!” They all returned her smile, even Sybil managing a weak one. Serena slipped into the seat next to her, which had been left empty, no-one sure whether she would want anyone by her. “You don’t mind if I sit here, do you?” the New Yorker asked.

Sybil shook her head. “No, please do.”

“Have you all been here for ages?” asked Serena.

“Rather,” Madge Herbert replied. She took a look at Sybil, unsure whether to mention her position as daughter of the school’s owner, in light of recent events. That young lady took the decision out of Madge’s hands, however, recounting this to the new arrival herself.

“Mummy started the school back in Tyrol, then we moved to Guernsey during the war, and eventually back to the Alps - only Switzerland this time. Now we’re back in England, though, for a while at least.”

Serena nodded. “I heard you’d been up on the Platz. How lucky! I was in Paris at school for a while, but I’ve been to Switzerland on holiday a few times and I love it to bits.”

“Why did you decide to come here?” asked Nan curiously. “Don’t tell us if you’d rather not, of course!”

Serena laughed. “No secret about it. I just wasn’t doing too well in New York - I’d missed a lot when I was in the Paris school - and then my friend Dan’s kid sister won a scholarship here. I said I’d come here and help her settle in, and hopefully it’ll do me some good.”

 

#16:  Author: Cathy, Location: Sydney, Australia PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 9:20 pm

James wrote:
References are now getting a tad obscure... 10 points to anyone who works out (in FULL) what this bit's based on Smile
Coming home, by Rosamund Pilcher and then something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean, or was it just Peter Pan?

 

#17:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 9:36 pm

Yup... the Keira reference was tied in to Pirates as well as Bend It Like Beckham - well done Smile

 

#18:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 9:36 pm

Love the name Serena, but no idea what she's from!! Still looking good James.

 

#19:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 10:19 pm

Serena and Jenny are Gossip Girl characters, Kat. A little more...

Meanwhile Jenny Humphreys, Serena’s friend Dan’s sister, was curled up in a carriage along with several other new girls who she’d learnt were to join her in Upper IV. Two girls who seemed especially nice were a pair of Londoners, Drina Adams and Rose Conway, who had come from the Dominick Ballet School - although they had caused some comment by their reaction when another girl had joined them.

“Queenie!” had been Drina’s dismayed cry at seeing the tall brunette. “Why, I didn’t know you were coming here.”

The newcomer had smiled nastily. “Well, with Miss Volonaise here, it was the natural thing to do. I couldn’t let her down after she begged me so hard to come so she could carry on teaching me.”

Rose snorted, seemingly used to the self-possessed young madam. A couple of the others were more surprised, and there was a quickly suppressed “Swank!” from Judy Willoughby.

“It’s only natural, though,” continued Queenie. “After all, I am…”

“…Beryl Bertram’s daughter,” finished Drina, to raised eyebrows from those who had heard of the third-rate ballet dancer, and shrugged shoulders from the rest.

 

#20:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:17 pm

The pupils mentioned above joined the rest of the excited throng as they got to school, and were shepherded into the Hall where both Miss Annersley and Madame Russell were waiting to greet them all.

“Girls!” Madame clapped her hands and smiled wanly at the mass of excited pupils. “And, of course, boys now. This will obviously be a landmark term for the Chalet School, and I’m sure that you will all help our many new pupils settle in well. Just a couple of things which have come up on the train. Please do NOT approach any of my daughters whistling the theme from ’Psycho’ - it’s not big and it’s not clever! Boys and girls have separate dormitories at opposite ends of the building, and are expected not to venture into each other’s except in the case of dire emergencies. If anyone uses the excuse that the Ghost of the Mad Doctor is chasing them, they can expect extreme consequences!” She glared at the assembled crowd, daring any of them to laugh. None did, although a scruffy little boy in Lower III appeared to be thinking about it. “Remember also, that we are guests in the Carey-Lewises’ home,” she decreed.

“I’m bloody well not!” muttered the daughter of the house to her friend Judith, who poked her in the ribs in an attempt to get her to stay silent - never easy for the irrepressible Loveday. A couple of the rest of Inter V who overheard here were shocked by her language, although the sole boy in the form, one Robbie Anderson, bit his lip to stop himself from smiling. He’d been having to do that all through assembly, anyway. After all, he thought to himself, this was probably as close to heaven as most boys were likely to get. In addition to the mouthy but good-looking blonde, there was her gorgeous brunette friend, three cute American girls, and a set of triplets! Yes, this was certainly going to be a good year…

 

#21:  Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:24 pm

Nooooooooo!!! Not Robbie!!! And how the hell did (a) Mrs Chester get Drina to agree to bugger off to Cornwall, and (b) Rose afford to go as well?

 

#22:  Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:26 pm

Oooh - Robbie Anderson! I know this one! Trebizon. I have been enjoying this very much James - thankyou! Of all the other posts I only managed to identify Sarah-Louise Platt and Norman Bates - the rest have all been a mystery to me so far! (I have heard of Drina, but never read any). Carry on, this is really good fun!

 

#23:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 6:50 am

“In addition to all our new pupils,” continued Madame, “I would like to introduce you to some new members and staff. And, more importantly, one returning one - I will be running my Sixth Form English lessons again, as we haven’t had anyone writing best-sellers since I left. Shows how much the teaching’s gone downhill, you see. I mean, under my capable tutelage, even my sister became a world-famous author, and let’s be honest - Joey is a bear of VERY little brain. Although very large womb, to be fair.”

There was a huge cheer from the crowd of girls, who were thrilled at the chance of being taught by Madame, as it was well known that her favourite authors were D H Lawrence and the Marquis de Sade. “And, less importantly of course, the other new faces on our friendly staff.”

“Mr Broad will be teaching English.” A handsome man with bleached blonde hair and a dangerous smile stepped forward and nodded to the assembly.

“Gosh,” muttered Mary-Lou to her sister by marriage, Verity Carey. “He’s almost good looking enough to be a doctor!”

“Look at that hair - bloody tart!” grumbled a boy from Lower VI to his friend.

“Mr Wilkins will take over some of the history.” An older man, looking rather haggard, stood for a minute, to the groans of a couple of small boys.

“Mr Black will be our new mathematics teacher,” continued Madge, as a man with a gaunt face, and short dark hair stepped forward quickly.

“Miss Volonaise will be teaching ballet to some of the best students.” There was an audible gasp from a few of the girls who recognised the tall brunette, who had been a corner stone of the famous Dominick Ballet School until it had burnt down earlier that summer.

“And last, but not least, our new singing master, Mr Zimmermann.” An older man, looking to be about 60, stepped forward and cleared his throat.

“Deep down inside, you know you need a whole new beginning,” he commented.

“Indeed we do, Mr Zimmerman,” replied Madge.

 

#24:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 7:19 am

A few minutes later, the girls (and boys) separated and made their way to their form rooms.

Kathy Ferrars was waiting to greet Inter V as they headed into the door. “Hello, girls! And boy,” she twinkled at Robbie, who suddenly realised she wasn’t that old, actually. His luck just kept improving! “Now, since there are so many new pupils this morning, I thought we’d take the time to introduce ourselves to each other first. Would you like to start?” she asked the boy.

“Sure,” he smiled. “I’m Robbie Anderson, I used to be at a school called Garth, which was great, but I’m really excited to be one of the first boys to attend the famous Chalet School!”

“And we’re VERY excited to have you, Robbie!” Jo Scott chimed in. “Just doing my job as form prefect and helping him settle in.” She smiled sweetly at Miss Ferrars.

Miss Ferrars looked at a trio of girls standing close to each other, two of whom looked slightly nervous, while the third exuded bucketfuls of self-confidence. “Hey. I’m Buffy Summers, and coming to school in England is like soooo cool…” she was interrupted by Len Maynard.

“Gosh, what an unusual name! My mother will love it - you don’t mind if she borrows it sometimes, do you?” Unsurprisingly, Buffy looked quite confused. Len continued, “She’s the famous authoress Josephine M. Bettany, and she’s always on the lookout for new names. And I help her with them all the time. In fact, over the summer, she arranged for me to spend three weeks in a women’s prison, because lots of the murderers have really strange names. There was a problem with it and I couldn’t go, though,” she looked mournful. So did Kathy Ferrars, who appreciated the attempt from Joey, at least. Although the cover story could have used some tightening up. Then again, when dealing with someone of Len’s intelligence, it wasn’t exactly hard to outwit her - just appeal to her vanity and you were three quarters of the way there.

“Whatever,” Buffy nodded. “This is Willow Rosenborg, and Tara Maclay.” The two girls smiled nervously.

“I’m Loveday Carey-Lewis,” that young lady spoke out impetuously. “And this is MY house. This is my best friend Judith Dunbar, and she’s the only one I wanted here!” Kathy raised her eyebrows, but let the outburst passed, while Judith nudged her friend and tried to calm her down, since a couple of the girls were looking rather unfriendly, and Joan Baker had started flexing her considerable muscles. “She’s only trying to scare us,” muttered Loveday mutinously.

“Well it’s working!” said Judith, wide-eyed, as Joan nonchalantly lifted a desk up with one finger.

“And you are, dear?” Kathy questioned the last of the new pupils.

“Joy Shirley,” was the sole, slightly unfriendly reply.

Last edited by James on Tue Nov 02, 2004 1:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#25:  Author: FionaW, Location: Johannesburg, South Africa PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 9:45 am

Go Joan! That's what Joy Shirley *really* needs - a hardcore Joan, not a soft and principled cousin Smile. WWE smackdown coming to you live! Enjoying the ubercrossover, James! Thank you :red:

 

#26:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 1:52 pm

Miss Phipps was trying to get her rowdy kindergarten class to be quiet, a process not helped by the thirteen year old boy stood by her side.

“Ah, but Miss… why do I have to be in the kindergarten when I’m so much older than everyone else,” he whined.

“Well, George,” she said, trying not to lose her patience on this, the very first day of term. “I’m sorry, it’s just that… you’re not all that bright.”

George sulked, “But I think that I’m a pretty clever guy!”

“Well,” Miss Phipps replied, “In that case, why have our entrance exams put you as one of the bottom few people in the school?”

“Ummm… they misunderestimated me?” he said hopefully.

It was to be a trying day for May Phipps, and she was glad of a cup of Karen’s wonderful coffee as she sank down into an armchair in the staffroom to recount her experiences to the rest that evening. “Why did we ever agree to allow boys into the school?” she groaned.

“Problems, May?” asked Nancy Wilmot sympathetically, tossing her a bottle of brandy to make that coffee a little more nectar-like.

“Hundreds!” May said melodramatically. “At lunchtime, there was a food fight. Apparently, Arsene told two of his friends to throw the pea soup over poor little Alex, who hadn’t done anything to provoke it. Matey will no doubt let me hear ALL about the state his uniform was in!”

Kathie and Nancy shuddered at the thought of being told off by Matron, who had once reduced Miss Annersley to tears with a single glance. This would have been impressive anyway, but since there were three walls in between them at the time, it had added to Matey’s ferocious reputation.

“And there’s more!” said May, wincing herself as she said it. “They were electing a form captain, and George and little John got very aggressive about the whole thing. George said if they elected him, he would search everywhere in the school to make sure no one brought in any pea soup again, and John just continually said ‘Vote for me – at least I’m not George!’”

“Have you counted the results yet”? asked Biddy O’Ryan curiously.

“I’ve tried! But how are KG’ers meant to understand these ballot papers? I do think the Head, or Madame, or whoever introduced them, could have come up with something a little bit simpler,” groaned the older woman.

Biddy nodded. “Two of my little darlings voted for Jack Maynard. Although it probably was a mistake to say they should elect someone who embodied the school spirit.”

 

#27:  Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 1:59 pm

*attempting to suppress her laughter* owch...

 

#28:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 2:01 pm

James wrote:
tossing her a bottle of brandy to make that coffee a little more nectar-like.
So that was the secret of it Laughing Are you going to predict which of them will win? Liz

 

#29:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:03 pm

*giggles madly* You had me laughing out loud at misunderestimate (much to the annoyance to the girl next to me)

 

#30:  Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 8:27 pm

Lol!! This is great James!! Looking forward to seeing who else will be crossovered!

 

#31:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 6:36 am

Lower VI had had an equally exciting day, mainly due to the entrance to the form of four boys. The quartet had walked in together, and Mary-Lou (of course) had immediately bounced over to introduce herself to them. “I’m Mary-Lou Trelawney, almost certainly the next head girl of the Chalet School!” she announced, grabbing the lead boy’s hand and pumping it vigorously.

The boy smiled, stifling a laugh. “And I’m Rupert Giles - but you can call me Ripper… luv.”

Mary-Lou turned red. “I am NOT your ‘luv… Rupert.’”

“And ain’t that a shame. Maybe we can change that, though.”

Mary-Lou stuck her nose in the air, and Felicity King walked over to try her luck with the handsome newcomer. “I could be your luv… Ripper.” She licked her lips seductively.

Giles looked her up and down, and nodded slightly. “I like what I see, darling. But the thing is - and no offense - she’s got a little bit more about her than you have. Y’know, you’re a pretty face and everything, but she has definite potential.”

“Humph!” Felicity stalked off, and the other girls tried to contain the smiles at Mary-Lou’s ever-reddening face.

The next best-looking boy walked up and introduced himself. “Hi, I’m Alfie. Pleased to meet you all.” More at home with this less aggressive approach, Mary-Lou strode forward to meet this new boy, but was beaten to it by her silvery-voiced sister by marriage, Verity Carey.

“Hello,” she almost whispered. “I’m Verity Carey - so pleased to meet you.” The sight of the tiny little girl talking to the towering boy, who was well above six foot tall, would have been comical if it hadn’t been for the infatuated look which had appeared on both of their faces, much to Mary-Lou, in particular’s, disgust.

Meanwhile, the other two lads were introducing themselves, as Oliver Wood and Ethan Rayne. At that point, another three new arrivals came in to the room. Introducing themselves, a vivacious girl revealed she was called Alicia Johns, whilst a serious looking blonde went by the name of Sally Hope. However, the biggest surprise of the term so far came when the third, a mousy and shy looking girl, was asked her name.

“I’m Mary-Lou,” she murmured, to a general outcry.

“Oh no you’re not!” screamed Miss Trelawney.

“Oh yes I am,” whispered the newcomer.

“Oh no you’re not!” yelled the other girl.

“Oh yes she is!” Alicia and Sally joined the fray.

“She is not!” OOAO said firmly. “My name is Mary-Lou, and, to be quite frank, I am Our One And Only, ain’t nobody I’d rather be. I am Our One And Only, can’t take that away from me.” The trio of girls blanched at this, partly at the sheer ruthlessness of the sentiment, partly at the supporting nods from all of Our One And Only’s friends, and partly because Mary-Lou’s voice was so terrible she’d have been kicked out of the Spice Girls.

“You can be Mary-Too,” said the Head Girl elect (in her own mind at least) firmly but kindly, and the new girl nodded gratefully.

 

#32:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 8:34 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL brilliant Liz

 

#33:  Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 11:38 am

James wrote:
“She is not!” OOAO said firmly. “My name is Mary-Lou, and, to be quite frank, I am Our One And Only, ain’t nobody I’d rather be. I am Our One And Only, can’t take that away from me.”
*collapses* No. Please no. I have had that song running through my head for the past WEEK and YOU'RE NOT HELPING HERE!

 

#34:  Author: Elzbie, Location: London PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 12:10 pm

ROFL This is genius! Although I'm having problems with identification. got the Malory Towers ref though.......... More please, James!

 

#35:  Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 12:35 pm

I got Oliver Wood (Hogwarts - the Gryffindor Quidditch captain and utterly gorgeous in the films!) but who is Ethan Rayne?

 

#36:  Author: Ruth B, Location: Oxford, UK PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 12:57 pm

Ethan Rayne is another Buffy character

 

#37:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 1:59 pm

Laughing Thanks James!!

 

#38:  Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 5:04 pm

LOL! James, this is wonderful!!!!!

 

#39:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 5:15 pm

*shrieking with laughter* MUCH prefer this version of Giles, James! And Mary-Too! *giggling* Must say I'm very impressed with your rate of posting! Grateful that this drabble is going to go to - what did you say? "Stupidly long lengths"? Very Happy

 

#40:  Author: Emma A, Location: The Soke of Peterborough PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 5:21 pm

This is fantastic! Losing count of all the cross-overs! I loved Mary-Lou (Trelawney's) Chesney Hawkes impression, and the fabulous pantomime "no you're not, yes I am" interchange. More please, James!

 

#41:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 7:16 pm

Hopefully be a few parts coming out tonight, here's the first... Thanks for all the encouragement, it's great to see people enjoying it!

Meanwhile, in Lower IV, the boys were dominating the conversation. John Christopher Timothy Jennings, a lively looking lad, was entertaining the rest with tales of Mr Wilkins, who had taught at his old school Linbury Court, while Charles Edwin Jeremy Darbishire, his firm friend, kept watch.

“’Fossilised fish-hooks’ I thought to myself when I saw Old Wilkie,” he said. “I couldn’t believe it! We thought we’d come all this way to get away from his supersonic bates, but I bet they’ll be even worse than ever.”

“Are they bad?” asked a ginger haired boy.

“Bad?!” asked Jennings. “Bad?!? I should say so! Why, he’s such a gruesome specimen, he can shout for an hour without stopping - or it seems like it.”

“Show them your impression of him, Jen!” encouraged his friend. “I’ve never seen such a lifelike one, honestly!”

“Well, I don’t know…” his friend said coyly.

“Go on!” clamoured the rest, lead by the ginger haired boy and his friend, a dark haired kid who wore old-fashioned spectacles.

“Oh, alright then,” Jennings said, “Give me a minute to work up to it, though.” The rest crowded round in eager anticipation, as Jennings, a true master of the art form of imitation, started to clench his fists and turn slightly purple. “I… I… I… Corwumph!” he spluttered. “Who is that boy breathing out of turn! Take fifty thousand lines! What do you mean by breathing when you haven’t been asked to, Jennings, you silly little boy! Fifty thousand lines to me by tomorrow morning, or I‘ll… I‘ll… or there’ll be trouble, do you hear me, you ridiculous little excuse for a human being!”

The ginger-haired boy grinned and nudged his friend. “Sounds like Snape!”

Jennings laughed, “And now he’s in a school with girls! Oh golly, Darbi, imagine Old Wilkie getting into a supersonic bate with a girl!”

 

#42:  Author: Donna, Location: Liverpool PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 7:39 pm

This is brilliant James! Can't wait to see more of Ripper and Ethan though! Loved OOAO's reaction to the other Mary-Lou as well - although I now have that flipping song running through my head too!

 

#43:  Author: Xanthe, Location: London/Cambridge PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 9:14 pm

Thanks James - this is great Very Happy

 

#44:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 9:14 pm

Just a little bit more...

In fact, there was no need for anyone to imagine it, as they could have witness it for themselves if they had made their way to Upper IV’s form room - although poking their head round the door with Wilkie in such a bad mood was probably not to be advised.

“I… I… I… Corwhumph!” he spluttered at Queenie Rothington, unconsciously providing a perfect example of the accuracy of Jennings’ impersonation in the other room. “What on earth were you thinking of, girl? How dare you interrupt me like that?”

“Sorry Mr Wilkins,” she blushed. Inwardly, she chalked up yet another black mark against Drina in her memory, as if she hadn’t taken the opportunity of Old Wilkie mentioning somebody’s mother to lean forward and remind her long-term rival that she was Beryl Bertram’s daughter, she’d never have got into trouble.

“I should think so!” the master harrumphed. “If there’s any more trouble out of you, you lady, I’ll… I’ll… well, there’d better not be any more trouble out of you, that’s all I can say!”

 

#45:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 9:16 pm

Love Ripper! Now why is it I can see him and James Potter plotting together... Twisted Evil

 

#46:  Author: Donna, Location: Liverpool PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 9:35 pm

Lisa_T wrote:
You mean there's a song with the words 'ooao' in it?!
Unfortunately yes Lisa! Sung by Chesney Hawkes (one hit wonder!) and released in about 1991. I'm not sure if it's actually titled I Am the One and Only, but that's the chorus! I loathed and detested it when it came out (though i have been known to dance to it in a club nowadays! Smile)

 

#47:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 9:46 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL Fantastic James!

 

#48:  Author: Sophoife, Location: down under Down Under PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 3:41 am

"My one and only, what am I gonna do if you turn me down? When I'm so crazy over you. I'd be so lonely, where am I gonna go if you turn me down?" My One and Only, lyrics Ira Gershwin, music George Gershwin, from Funny Face (1927). That's what runs through my head every time I read OOAOML!! It's her attitude towards herself!

 

#49:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 6:36 am

At break time, many of the school’s newer pupils made their way to meet up with friends they had already known before starting at the Chalet School, but some unlikely alliances were already beginning to come about. One such example was the four Sixth Form boys and the slightly younger Robbie Anderson, who had made his way over to introduce himself to them.

“Pleased to meet you,” said Alfie, and the other three confirmed this, although Rupert Giles was definitely somewhat distracted, looking over to where Mary-Lou stood in the distance.

“See her over there… Mary-Lou Trelawney. Cheeky, but I like them with a bit of spirit… nice bint, that,” he murmured. Ethan was about to respond when he saw a energetic dark-haired woman hurry towards them.

“Hello there, you five!” she cried. “Well, how strange to see such strapping young men around the Chalet School, after all this time with just girls here. Apart from the KG‘ers, but you can hardly count them as specimens of manhood like you young gentlemen are.!” The four preened themselves at this description, not altogether accurate - Rupert was hardly the biggest of boys, and Ethan was downright skinny. However, Jo Maynard had always known how to appeal to a boy’s vanity. “I’m Jo Maynard - they all love me here. They call me one of the foundation stones of the place, you know. My sister founded it, and I’m always popping in and out. Quite often, you see, they have problem children who no-one knows what to do with, but if they just nip over to me and have a nice English tea I’ll straighten them out in a jiffy. The Head does her best, poor dear Miss Annersley, but I like to think that everyone involved with the school knows who the person they should turn to in their times of need is.”

“Ummm… right,” said Alfie, not really knowing how to respond to someone who was quite clearly insane.

“So, any problems, boys?” she asked cheerfully, “Because if you have, don’t think twice about telling me! I’ll know anyway, everyone here’s lovely about piffling little things like pupil confidentiality - it’s not as if I really count, since my sister opened this school, back in Tyrol, and I was it’s very first pupil. And I’ll always been a Chalet School girl, you see, even when I’m old and grey and a great-great-great grandmother!”

“Do you know that girl over there?” Rupert interrupted in order to slow the flow of gobbledygook which showed no signs of stopping of its own accord. Of course, he was pointing to Our One And Only Mary-Lou.

“Know her?” chuckled Joey. “Why, of course I do. Mary-Lou is practically a daughter to me. And I’m pretty much her mother. Well, she has a mother, but I’m better at it, that’s all. Mary-Lou was an only child until Doris Trelawney married Mary-Lou’s friend Verity’s father, and even now there’s just the two girls. Two girls, I ask you! I have no time for small families. The more you have, the easier they are to look after. Why, I have so many children that I’ve lost count, and I manage perfectly by myself with just the occasional bit of help from Anna, Rosli, Len, Con, Margot, and the sixteen au pairs.”

“That’s good,” agreed Rupert. “I always wanted a brother or sister.”

“You’ve always been extremely unambitious then!” Joey challenged him. “Why want one when you could want seven or eight?”

“Good question… speaking of good questions, what’s that girl Mary-Lou like?”

“Oh, she’s a chip off the old block, alright!” laughed Joey. “In a strictly spiritual sense, of course. Doris has always been a quiet woman, lovely but not very strong, whereas Mary-Lou takes after me. Even though we didn’t mean until she was about ten. Why, she saved Miss Ferrars’ life last term, a bit like I saved Grizel Cochrane’s life when we were back in Tyrol. Although I was only twelve at the time, and obviously my achievement was far greater than hers was. I still think I should have been awarded the Joey Maynard prize for bravery. It’s bad enough that we had to wait about 18 years for it to be presented, without wasting it on a comparative unknown like Mary-Lou. Oh, I know that Mary-Lou has her fans, and I’m one of them, of course, but the girls begged me to rename the Margot Venables prize after myself in my honour. It used to be named after Margot Venables, you see, she was… um… let me think… someone or other. But she wasn’t well known enough, so they clamoured for it to be named after me, since I’m a best-selling authoress and I’m loved and adored by everyone in the school.”

“Well, thank you - I think,” said Rupert, giving up on any hope of getting a halfway sensible answer out of this lunatic.

Over in another part of Nancherrow’s grounds, twelve year old William Brown has bemoaning his bad luck at being stuck with so many girls, to the amusement of Jessica Wakefield and a few others. “What’s so bad about being with all of us girls?” asked the pretty young blonde.

“Huh… girls,” William spoke with contempt. “It’s not that girls are bad… you’re just not int’restin’. I like rats an’ insecks an’ things like that… things that are int’restin’. And girls aren’t. I bet you’re like this girl I know and whenever anyone says anything’ int’restin’ you just say that you’re goin’ to ‘thcream and thcream until you’re thick’.”

Jessica flounced, “Well, I’m more interesting than you are! I’m an identical twin, for a start, and that’s VERY interesting. And I’m a Unicorn, and only the most interesting people can be Unicorns.”

“Huh,” William snorted. “Unicorns - they’re not int’restin’. You can’t keep them for pets like I kept my white mice until Ethel gave them away just because one got a little bit scared an’ ran up her dress an’ she slapped Robert’s friend Hugo because she thought he was a rat, or something. I dunno, I don’t UNDERSTAND girls. If you ask me, anyone with a name like Hugo DESERVES to be slapped. Not that anyone would ask me. Not as if they asked me before sending me to this crummy school.”

Jessica was about to respond when another boy from their form came up. “I’m Nigel Molesworth,” he said. “Coo, this is a right swizz being at this school for girls, is it not?”

“It’s not int’restin’, is it?” asked William, sensing a kindred spirit straight away in the young Master Molesworth. “Girls aren’t interesting, any fule knows that.” The two nodded at each other, and as one, moved away from Jessica and her coterie of friends.

The lower school boys were also congregating together, with Jennings quickly becoming their acknowledged leader. “Do you think you’ll like it here, Neville?” he asked one of his class mates.

Neville Longbottom shrugged, “Suppose it’ll be alright. I’m glad I know Harry and Ron, though - wouldn’t want to be starting here all by myself.”

“What school did you three go to before coming here?” piped up Darbishire in a questioning voice.

“Hogwarts,” replied Ron.

“Funny name for a school,” was the rejoinder from Jennings, “What was it like?”

Ron shrugged. “Same as most schools, I suppose. It’s weird, but I don’t remember all that much about it. Suppose it’s just that nothing interesting really happened there.”

 

#50:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 9:13 am

Thank you James - too many references to othere stories to list them all - but excellent!! Loved the encounter with Joey ROFL Liz

 

#51:  Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 2:10 pm

This is wonderful James - are you going to work Vicky Pollard in somehow? Twisted Evil

 

#52:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 4:01 pm

Love all the references James - the ones I recognise anyway.

 

#53:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 5:30 pm

Glad to see you got the Wakefields in there James! Very Happy Love Joey in this as well - brilliant! Thank you!

 

#54:  Author: Laura, Location: London (ish) PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 7:39 pm

This is so funny! I love the misunderestimated bit! More please!

 

#55:  Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 9:42 pm

I've just caught up on loads of updates and have been giggling away like a lunatic here! Laughing Please carry on James, this is fab!

 

#56:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 11:17 pm

Just a short one, but hopefully more to come in a bit... points for whoever recognises the film reference (apart from Vikki, who's had a sneak preview.)

It had been decided to hold a dance on the first night to welcome everyone to the school, and many were the moans and groans as pupils and staff alike tried their best to work out what to wear. Of course, many of the boys, especially the likes of William Brown and Nigel Molesworth, were happy to go in jeans and ‘Skool Sucks’ T-shirts, but some of them made the effort to dress in tuxedos - even if Rupert Giles’ was, inevitably, ripped. Serena van der Woodsen wore an incredible dress, designed especially for her by one of the world’s top fashion designers, while Kathy Ferrars wore a simple black number which made her look more beautiful than ever.

Indeed, it was Miss Ferrars who caused the biggest sensation of the night, turning up at the stroke of nine. William ‘Spike’ Broad, already taking a look at the female talent on offer amongst his fellow staff, gulped at the sight of her and walked over. Taking her by the hand, he looked deep into her eyes, and said, “Miss Ferrars, may I say that you look even more beautiful than usual tonight?”

She smiled, took his chin in her hand, and replied, “Tell me about it… stud.”

 

#57:  Author: Donna, Location: Liverpool PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 11:29 pm

Grease? After Sandy has vamped up (into skin tight black catsuit - is this kathie's outfit?Shocked), right at the end?

 

#58:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 11:33 pm

Very impressive, Donna! No,it's not her outfit though Smile Just posting a bit at a time for now... next installment.

Spike replied, "Well, I've got these chills... and they're multiplying. It's like I'm losing control. Because, Kathy, the power that you're supplying - it's electrifying."

“You better shape up, Spike,” she said, “because I need a man. And my heart is already set on you. So shape up, and then please understand, to my heart I must be true.”

“There’s nothing left for me to do. You’re the one that I want, Kathy.”

“Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey,” piped up a chorus of voices from Inter V, led by Joan Baker’s booming tenor.

“And you’re the one that I want too, Spike!”

“Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey,” the girls replied, this time Joan quieting down so that Judith Dunbar could take the lead.

“The one that I want,” they chorused, “The one I need, oh yes indeed.”

At that point, however, there was an almighty crash of thunder, lightning filled the air, and the door to the hall slammed back from the force of Jo Maynard’s kick. Walking towards the couple, she looked daggers at Kathy. She had wanted Spike from the minute she saw him, and there was nothing that would stand in her way.

“Joey!” cried Hilda Annersley. “Did we invite you?”

“I don’t need no stinkin’ invite,” declared Joey.

“Damn, I guess that means holy water and crosses won’t work on her either,” muttered Ripper to his friend Ethan.

“And as for forgetting to invite me,” she cried spitefully. “You girl,” she pointed at Luna Lovegood, “When you are fifteen years old, you shall prick your fingers on a spinning wheel… and fall down dead!”

There was a horrified gasp from the crowd of pupils, but Kathy Ferrars shook her head vigorously.

“Oh no she won’t!”

“Oh yes she will!”

“Oh no she won’t!”

“Oh yes she will!”

“Oh no she won’t!”

“Oh yes she will!”

“Oh noooo she wooooooon’t,” Kathy encouraged the rest of the school to join in with her.

“Oh yeeeesss she wiiiiillll” sang out Joey, with the backing of the Maynards, Bettanys, Russells, and adoptees - even Bethany Platt, who Joey had carelessly dropped in the hall a few days before, hummed along.

“Mamma,” Len asked, “Do you have magical powers we don’t know about?”

“No, darling daughter of mine,” replied Joey.

“Then she probably won’t…”

“Damn! I’ll have the man, anyway!”

Walking up to join the couple, Joey viciously pushed Kathy out of the way, and addressed Spike with a screech.

“I know you’re filled with affection, that you’re too shy to convey. But meditate in my direction, Spikey, feel your way.”

“I better shape up! Because I need to run,” he gulped.

“You need to stay, and keep me satisfied.”

“I better shape up, if I’m gonna prove…”

“There’s never proof - and I have an alibi!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure down deep inside! I'm the one that you want! I am the one you want, ooh ooh ooh, honey!"As the rivalling choirs launched back into the chorus, Kathy leapt on Joey, trying to take her down, but Joey saw her coming and caught her with a vicious uppercut. Picking up a kindergarten girl, she prepared to hit Kathy with the child, but at that moment, there was another terrifying crash of thunder, and the doors to the hall burst right off, as a motorcycle charged down, its light blinding Joey.

“Wow! That bike is automatic!” gasped Drina Adams.

“And it’s systematic!” screamed Rose Conway.

“And even hydromatic!” burst in Rebecca Mason, Robbie Anderson’s sweetheart.

“Why,” the three chorused, “That bike is… GREASED LIGHTNING!”

The handsome rider flashed a smile at the three girls as he threw himself off the bike, tackling Joey and knocking her to the ground. “Michael Guerin at your service, ma’am,” he said, offering his hand to Kathy. “Sorry I’m a bit late getting to school.”

*edited for extra Joey narcissism."

 

#59:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 12:11 am

Hilda Annersley, ever the peace maker, stepped forward.

“I think we all got a little over-excited there - Mrs Maynard, Miss Ferrars, I’m sure you’re ready kiss and make up, aren’t you!”

“Nooooooooooo!” screamed Nancy Wilmot, fainting at the thought. The dance quickly broke up, as she was taken to Matron, and everyone went to bed - except for Ripper and Ethan, who snuck out behind the bike sheds for a quick smoke.

Ten minutes or so later, Ripper was stood outside the windows of Geranium dormitory, throwing stones at them to try and attract a certain person’s attention. Barbara Chester poked her head out of the window. “What on earth is going on down there?” she asked.

“Well the Western wind is blowing fair,” announced Rupert, “across the deep Aegean Sea,”

“And at the secret marble stair,” joined Ethan, “My Tyrian galley waits for thee.”

“Come down, the purple sail is spread,” they joined together in singing, “The watchman sleeps within the town, oh leave thy lily flowerbed, oh lady mine, come down. Come down, Lady come down, come down, lady come down, oh lady come down.”

“She will not come, I know her well,” Ripper speculated mournfully.

“Of lover’s vows she hath no care,” agreed Rayne, “And little good a man can tell of one so cruel and so fair.”

“True love is but a woman’s toy,” Giles agreed, “They never know their lover’s pain.”

“And I who loved as loves a boy,” was his friend’s rejoinder, “Must love in vain.”

“Must love in vain,” agreed Giles.

“Come down,” they asked one more time, “Lady come down.”

“I’m coming!” Babs shrieked.

 

#60:  Author: Elzbie, Location: London PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 1:31 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL Darn it, James, you've just made me snort embarrasingly in front of everyone. Thats not fair! But more would still be good..... Wink

 

#61:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 2:29 pm

*weeping with laughter* I was laughing so hard that one of my flatmates came in to see what was going on - she now thinks I'm completely and utterly loony.. Thank you James! *off to re-read*

 

#62:  Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 5:42 pm

Gem wrote:
she now thinks I'm completely and utterly loony..
No fair! My flat mates have been thinking that about me since the first day! *sulks* James, this is hilarious!! popper

 

#63:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 3:37 pm

Meanwhile, as Ripper and Ethan awaited Barbara, and wondered how to tell her they actually wanted Mary-Lou, Alicia Johns tried to persuade Lala Winterton to go along with her idea. “A trick’s just what we need to start the term off with a bang!” she pleaded.

“But aren’t we too mature to do that?” Lala asked.

“Of course not! I was reading part 3,362 of the Chalet School Legends in the library, and the Sixth Formers used to do things like this all the time in Tyrol. Apparently, everyone found it hilarious most of the time - as long as they didn’t Vaseline the blackboards.”

“I should think not!” exclaimed Lala.

“Well, I have a smashing trick to play on my cousin June. She’s a little brat anyway. Let’s sew her into her bed!”

“Gosh! Can we really?” asked Lala.

“Of course, it’s a wizard idea. Now, be quiet, and we’ll go and do it.”

 

#64:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 7:21 pm

(Sorry for spreeing)

And next morning, when June woke up, she found that she had indeed had her sheets sown to the mattress by someone, although obviously, she didn’t know who.

“Felicity!” she screamed to Felicity Rivers, her great friend, especially now that Felicity’s elder sister Darrell wasn’t around to look displeased with their friendship.

“June!” Felicity screamed back. “What have they done to you? Don’t worry, I’ll undo you right away.”

“No, don’t do that,” came a voice. The two looked for its source, and found a tomboyish young girl standing by the door.

“You could destroy vital evidence,” explained the little blonde girl stood next to her.

“Woof woof!” barked their dog.

“But don’t worry!” a pair of boys popped up behind them. “We’ll solve this case for you - just as soon as we get some ginger beer.”

 

#65:  Author: Elzbie, Location: London PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 7:25 pm

Laughing smilies will not do my snorting justice! I was hoping the FF might come into it! This is sooooo much fun- carry on! Please?!?!

 

#66:  Author: Laura, Location: London (ish) PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 7:39 pm

Pretty please? *still giggling*

 

#67:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 8:16 pm

“Who are you?” asked June and Felicity, somewhat bewildered by this turn of events.

“Julian,” said one boy.

“Dick,” added the other.

“and Anne…” the blonde joined in.

“George and Timmy the doo-ooo-hhhg” ended the boyish looking girl.

“We are the Famous Five…” they chorused.

“Hang on,” interjected another boy who appeared, “We’re the ones who’ll be solving this case!”

“Who are you?” asked Julian.

“We’re the Secret Seven! I’m Peter, and I’m the leader, only we’re all friends so I’m the unofficial leader - everyone does what I say but no-one gets to blame me if it goes horribly wrong! This is Janet, she’s my sister, and almost as important as I am. And then there’s the other five, but no-one ever remembers their names so I won’t waste time telling you them. Oh, and Scamper, our dog! He’s almost as intelligent as a real person”

He looked around at George and Dick. “In fact, probably MORE intelligent than some people.”

George bristled visibly. “Why are you called the Secret Seven when there’s eight of you?”

She spoke simultaneously with Janet, who was asking Anne “Why are you called the Famous Five when there’s only four of you?”

“You don’t mean you count the dog?” asked the Secret Seven in disgust, just as the Famous Five said “Do you mean you don’t count the dog?”

“Dogs DON’T count, actually,” an authoritative voice stated, as it’s owner, a truly humongous young man, arrived on the scene. “Apart from that, we’re solving this case.”

“Who are YOU?” chorused the other eleven.

“We’re the Five Find-Outers. And Buster, our dog. And Ern, who’s…”

Ern spoke up, “Just a poor uneducated oik, but they do make me feel so ‘appy to let me pretend I’m of an use to them, especially little Miss Bets.”

The fat boy nodded. “Of course we do.”

Ern agreed, “And even though me uncle says it’s just to make ‘em feel good about ‘emselves, I know it’s not true because Master Larry tells me me uncle is a nasty old liar and that’s that. And I allus listens to Master Larry.”

“Quite right, Ern,” said Larry, also appearing on the scene, with the rest of the Find-Outers in tow. “Is there a case, Fatty?”

The fat boy scowled. “As the REAL leader of this group, I keep telling you you should call me Frederick!”

George stepped up to Fatty. “If you think you should solve this case, and they think they should solve this case, but we KNOW we should solve this case… there’s only one thing for it.”

A strange looking bald man, accompanied by a badger, popped up from under Felicity’s bed. (No, I’m not going to explain how he got there.) “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” he yelled.

 

#68:  Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 9:39 pm

*sobs gently* Mad I say, quite mad...

 

#69:  Author: Carolyn P, Location: Lancaster, England PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 10:11 pm

Love the idea of setting all the Blyton groups against each other! Razz

 

#70:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 11:30 pm

Laughing ROFL Mr. Green :laughing: *ROFL*Genius, pure genius! Harry Hill at the Chalet School...

 

#71:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 11:55 pm

The ragtag bunch made their way down to the basement, where it had been decided they should face off. The groups quickly got ready - Anne pulled out her knuckledusters, Barbara made sure the spike on her ring was pointing outwards, and Fatty ate twelve bars of chocolate to ensure he was at his peak weight for sitting on someone. It was all set to be an epic battle, and it did indeed start that way. Dick swept Larry’s legs from under him, allowing George to drive a vicious knee into his head and then pound away at his chest. Julian was double teamed by Colin and Pam, who threw him into the basement wall. And Fatty, with one step forward, knocked over Anne and four of the Secret Seven.

Looking at each other, the three dogs rolled their eyes. Not another macho display of posturing from the stupid humans. “Woof,” barked Buster. “Woof,” agreed Timmy. “Woof woof,” added Scamper vehemently. Throwing themselves on the mass of bodies, the dogs started to bite. And bite. And bite.

Ten minutes later, Fatty and Bets were the only people left alive. The massive youth had protected the tiny young thing with his amazing bulk, and then challenged the three dogs to eat through him to get to her.

“Bow-wow,” Scamper argued. (This roughly translates as ‘I like fat kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.’) “Bow-wow-wow,” the other two agreed, before turning tail and running. (You HAVE to love that pun, right?)

Fatty heard a sob from Bets. “Oh Fatty!” she wept, “Who will we solve mysteries with now?”

“Well, young Bets,” he said. “There’s some things in life more important than solving mysteries. And one thing that I want to talk to you about. You see, Bets, I’ve always admired you - not least for the fact that you can eat as much as you want without putting on weight, while I’ve lived on celery for three years and still look like the love child of Godzilla and King Kong. And there’s a question I’ve been wanting to pluck up the courage to ask you, so…”

“Oh Fatty!” she exclaimed. “I think I know what the question is! And if the question is what I think it is, then the answer will be what I think you want it to be.”

“Really!” he cried, “Oh… Joan?”

“What?” whispered Bets.

Fatty did not reply, but she heard a voice behind her - that of Joan Baker, who had just arrived on the scene. “Frederick?” Joan exclaimed.

“Joan!” he shouted.

“Frederick!”

“Joan!”

“Frederick! How marvellous to see you! Except…” she looked at her bulging bicep. “Even you’re thinner than I am now.”

“Gosh! So I am, old thing!” Fatty beamed.

“I’m just a useless lump of lard,” Joan shook her head disconsolately.

“Don’t say that, Joan,” Frederick appealed to her. “You ain’t heavy… you’re my brother!”

 

#72:  Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 12:00 am

ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL

 

#73:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 12:00 am

I think my sides have split.

 

#74:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 12:57 am

Eeeeuuuuwww, Ann!*giggling madly*

 

#75:  Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 3:10 pm

Okay, my dilemma now is do I laugh or throw up?

 

#76:  Author: Elzbie, Location: London PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 3:58 pm

Heeeee heee ha ha ha....!!!!! Owch!

 

#77: ER. The story of course... Author: Lisa-T as AG,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 5:00 pm

*nearly suffocating* This is the first time I've experienced nearly-dying-from-laughter-in-the-library-syndrome and those of you who have to put up with it 24/7 have all my sympathy.... James this is absolutely MARVELLOUS!!!!!!!

 

#78:  Author: Cath, Location: Coventry PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:02 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL My sides! This is absolutely hilarious - I love it, thanks James!

 

#79:  Author: Ellie, Location: Lincolnshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:14 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

 

#80: Re: ER. The story of course... Author: Rosie, Location: Huntingdonshire/Bangor PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 7:02 pm

Lisa-T as AG wrote:
*nearly suffocating* This is the first time I've experienced nearly-dying-from-laughter-in-the-library-syndrome and those of you who have to put up with it 24/7 have all my sympathy....
I do keep getting funny looks and I don't know why..... *collapses in smothered-giggling heap in darkened computer room*

 

#81:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 9:36 pm

Joan gasped. “But Frederick, no one here must know. They all think I’m a real Chalet School girl, even if I am the only one with a moustache - I told them I was an East German swimmer, and they said that explained it all.”

“Jolly good, old thing!” Fatty nodded, “Your secret’s safe with me and Bets - Bets? Where has she got to?”

It was break time now, and in the grounds, a young girl was busy erecting a stall. It said ‘Psychiatric help 5 Swiss francs.’ There will now be a break in this drabble, as the author of the piece urgently needs to visit this stall.

 

#82:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 9:40 pm

*In the queue already* Thanks James Very Happy

 

#83:  Author: pim, Location: Helmel Hampster PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 10:23 pm

James wrote:
It was break time now, and in the grounds, a young girl was busy erecting a stall. It said ‘Psychiatric help 5 Swiss francs.’ There will now be a break in this drabble, as the author of the piece urgently needs to visit this stall.
Lucy from Peanuts? ROFLROFLROFLROFL *picks self up from sobbing with laughter on the floor*

 

#84:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 10:53 pm

*hopes it won't be too long a break*

 

#85:  Author: Vikki, Location: Sitting on an iceberg, freezing to death!!! PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 1:10 am

*wonders who else James could possibly crossover with!*

 

#86:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 6:10 pm

I'm losing count of the cross overs, you'll have to give us a cheat sheet at the end! *giggles quietly to herself*

 

#87:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 6:20 pm

Was this why you started the thread asking what people's favourite children's characters are? Looking forward to seeing what's coming next. Liz

 

#88:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 2:55 pm

One of the funniest things I have ever read.

 

#89:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 2:43 pm

(It's been a horrific week at school, sorry for the lack of updates, but trying to get back into it... very short piece inspired by someone's nick on MSN -) )

It was hard being a teacher shorter than most of his Lower Second class, Mr Baggins thought to himself. Still, there were compensations… he was intending to ask the lovely Miss O’Ryan if she would be interested in going for a quiet drink sometime.

Miss O’Ryan was also thinking of Mr Baggins, as she sat alone in her room. What to do with this dilemma? “He is lovely, sure he is,” she thought to herself. “But Sam will kill me if I try anything.”

 

#90:  Author: Guest,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 2:51 pm

James wrote:
Miss O’Ryan was also thinking of Mr Baggins, as she sat alone in her room. What to do with this dilemma? “He is lovely, sure he is,” she thought to herself. “But Sam will kill me if I try anything.”
ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: I'm loving this, James, and like Sarah_K I've lost count of the cross overs. But it's fun trying to spot them and remember where they're from! Lock your nasty year 9's in my handy Student cupboard and please write more Twisted Evil

 

#91:  Author: Lulie, Location: Middlesbrough PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 2:54 pm

Sorry, that was me. (that was I?) poke computer for not logging me in as requested.

 

#92:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 3:27 pm

James - just caught up on 3 pages of this (I know, I know - shamefully behind!!) but it is ABSOLUTELY BLOODY MARVELLOUS!!!!! Please - more scrummy Spike? *begs*

 

#93:  Author: Abi, Location: Alton, Hants PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 3:39 pm

Laughing I should be REALLY healthy now - laughing is goof for you isn't it?! (love the lotr diaries - hehehe)

 

#94:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 10:45 pm

I worry about myself sometimes...

Sydney Prescott made a decision. The sixth former was hating her time at the Chalet School, mainly due to constant put-downs by Mary-Lou Trelawney, as neither of her parents had died heroically, and Jo Maynard’s inevitable attempts to adopt her. It was time to run away. Packing her bags, she took one last look at Wallflower dormitory, turned around… and gasped.

A figure all in white, looking like a 50’s rock star, had appeared before you. “Don’t go, baby,” he said. “I’m here to stop you making a terrible mistake… you see, I’m your guardian angel. The TEEN angel.” He started to sing softly,

“Your story’s sad to tell,
A teenage ne’er do well,
Most mixed up young delinquent on the block.
Your future here’s unclear now,
Your Chalet School career now,
Is worth less than your worst old cotton frock.
Chalet School dropout,
No big sports day ending for you,
Chalet School dropout,
You’ll miss the Christmas concert too.
Well at least you could have taken time
To wash and clean your clothes up.
After working all your charm to make
That doctor put your dose up.
Baby stop moving”

A chorus of backing singers appeared out of nowhere to add their voices to the tune, one of whom looked scarily similar to Kathie Ferrars.

“And keep your daddy’s hopes alive,
You should be proving,
First get a dream, then get some drive.
If you go for your diploma you can be loved by all the school,
Even Mary-Lou - you know that would be cool.”

At the sound of the older girl’s name, Sydney gave a scream. As she did, a second angel appeared - better looking and more modern, with a New Zealand accent. “Don’t listen to him, Syd. I’m Neil, your real angel. And I’ve just got one thing to say to you.
“Well there’s freedom within, but there’s freedom without,
Do what you need you can make the choice.
There’s a long road ahead, a road that can be walked,
But if you go on that road I’ll be travelling with you.
But now, hey now,
Don’t dream it’s over,
Hey now, hey now,
Jo pokes her nose in.
She comes, she wants,
To build a wall around you
We know she won’t win.
So get going today, even climb out of the roof,
Or stay if this is where you wanna spend your youth.
There’s a paper that says, where you could go from here,
Or just turn right over to the fashion page.
But now, hey now,
Don’t dream it’s over,
Hey now, hey now,
Jo pokes her nose in.
She comes, she wants,
To build a wall around you
We know she won’t win.”

“Thanks,” Sydney smiled at the Antipodean.

The Teen Angel glared. “Listening to him?” He shook his head disapprovingly.

“Thanks for having me, Sydney,” smiled the second, more useful, angel. “It’s been a blast.”

 

#95:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 10:52 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL Liz

 

#96:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 10:56 pm

*giggling helplessley - James, I love it!*

 

#97:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 11:15 pm

“Oh yes we are,” screamed Len, Con, and Margot Maynard at the rest of the form.

“Oh no we’re not,” the rest of Inter V retaliated loudly to Jo Maynard’s eldest three daughters.

“Oh yes we are,” the triplets rejoined.

“Oh no we’re not!” the rest of the class insisted.

“Oh yes we are,” the three spoke in unison, desperate to convince the form that they were telling the truth.

“Oh no we’re not,” the other twenty or so members of the form shouted, seemingly impervious to persuasion from the first family of the Chalet School - or second family, or maybe third, depending on where we count the Russells and Bettanys.

“Are are are!” screamed Margot, followed closely by Con, and then by Len, the eldest, who normally was too responsible to get involved in clearly childish arguments like this one.

“Not not not!” Margot’s bosom friend Emerence Hope took up the chant against the trio, followed quickly by form captain Jo Scott, the mischievous pair of Francie Wilford and Heather Clayton, staunch Rosamund Lilley, picturesque Yseult Pertwee, masculine Joan Baker, and nondescript Marguerite Woodley. Even the newer girls joined in, Buffy Summers loudest of all, but her friends from Sunnydale, Tara Maclay and Willow Rosenburg close behind. Judith Dunbar and Loveday Carey-Lewis, used to making a din in the wonderful family home of the rich Carey-Lewises, certainly weren’t holding back, and neither was sullen Joy Shirley, who enjoyed any excuse to argue with somebody. In fact, the only member of the form who wasn’t involved was the class’ sole male representative, Robbie Anderson, who stood back and smiled at the sight of so many females shrieking at each other.

“Girls!” Miss Ferrars said in shock as she stumbled on the scene, “What on earth is the meaning of all this noise?” No-one answered. “Well,” the mistress said impatiently, “I’m waiting for an answer.”

“I’m not sure,” Len shamefacedly admitted.

“Not sure!” Kathie positively squawked. “My dear girl, what on earth do you mean, not sure?”

“Just that,” Margot grimaced. The rest of the form nodded.

“It’s so strange,” Tara Maclay joined in. “I was just under this compulsion to argue in that way with the triplets. Almost as if I were a character in a story and the author was making us say stuff just to get him as close as possible to the 10,000 word mark before he went to bed tonight.”

 

#98:  Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 11:28 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL Fantastic!! ROFL ROFL ROFL

 

#99:  Author: Dawn, Location: Leeds, West Yorks PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 1:46 am

JAMES! whatever are you like? Wink

 

#100:  Author: Jennie, Location: Cambridgeshire PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 4:04 pm

James, really! Great stuff!

 

#101:  Author: Kat, Location: Swansea PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 5:30 pm

*giggling* That's bad James!

 

#102:  Author: Sarah_K, Location: St Albans PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:33 pm

*giggles madly* I think that Very Secret Diaries mention wins so far, though the I've always loved Beauty School Drop Out as a song.

 

#103:  Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 9:16 pm

Darn, couldn't Ghostface have come and bumped off OOAO *sigh* Ah well, you just can't get the psychotic serial killers these days. *Wonders if Will & Tara's witchy tendencies will come out, and whether a certain ginger werewolf will turn up (please Rolling Eyes ) JackieJ BTW, very good James

Last edited by JackieJ on Fri Dec 10, 2004 1:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

 

#104:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 11:05 am

(I'll try and start updating regularly again, no promises though...)

It was two days later, and the school were in an assembly, with Miss Annersley addressing the girls and boys on the need for patience with each other as they were settling down into the new arrangements - there had been a couple of incidents which weren’t befitting of the Chalet School ethos, with a pair of boys nearly glaring at each other at one point. Her speech was interrupted, however, when a frightened Karen walked in and quickly took the stage to speak to the Head.

“What is it, Karen?” Hilda asked, bemused by the sight of the domestic supervisor on such an occasion.

“Please mum,” Karen said, “Some men… downstairs. It’s awful - we let them in, because it’s cold outside and they said they were in trouble… but…” At that point, she broke into tears.

“What IS it, Karen?” asked Miss Annersley impatiently. The cook started to answer, but was interrupted by a trio of strange looking men, complete with long fangs, bursting in behind her.

There were screams from the assembled children, as the men quickly attacked. Charmain Spence was quickly bitten and fell to the floor dying, as did another girl. However, just as the lead killer set his sights on Mary-Lou, there was a thundering crash, and a leather-clad vixen burst through the doors, stakes in hands. Throwing one to Buffy Summers, she dispatched of two of the men with one single thrust, while Buffy reflexively grabbed the stake, and in a smooth motion, stabbed the other through the heart, causing him to turn to dust.

Buffy gasped. “How did I do that?” she asked the newcomer. “Who are you? Who are they? Who am *I*?”

The newcomer gave a smile. “They’re vampires, B. You’re a vampire slayer. And me? I’m just five-by-five.”

 

#105:  Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 4:50 pm

Yippee! It's back! :jump:

 

#106:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 12:59 pm

Yay!!!! (She BETTER not turn bad in this one James!!!!!) Thank you Very Happy

 

#107:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:01 am

Ah, I always wondered what happened to Charmian Spence, she did disappear quite abruptly from the books... Yay for the appearance of Faith and for the return of the drabble! Thanks James!

 

#108:  Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 1:37 pm

Thank you James, more Buff stuff is good (I'd still like some Oz though please?) JackieJ

 

#109:  Author: Emma A, Location: The Soke of Peterborough PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 6:20 pm

Yay! This is great - please keep up the good work.May I second the plea for some Oz?

 

#110:  Author: Lyanne, Location: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:02 pm

Quote:
I'll try and start updating regularly again, no promises though
It's the holidays now, james. (hint, hint)

 

#111:  Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:22 pm

Can't believe I ahven't read this till now. This is superb James. I've been laughing hystericcaly. Please do post more soon

 

#112:  Author: Helen P, Location: Crewe, Cheshire PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 10:50 pm

Shall we start chanting? Trumpet drummer

 

#113:  Author: LizB, Location: Oxon, England PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 11:28 pm

Yes!! :boohoo: Liz

 

#114:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 12:34 pm

Your chant is my command...

At that moment, a voice boomed out. “Without wanting to interrupt the joyous reunion… you have something I want.”

“What do we have?” asked Faith, the newcomer. “And who are you?”

A figure clad in evening dress stepped out. “I am Draaaaacula. I bid you… velcome.”

Buffy looked at Faith. “Is he someone we should slay?”

Dracula smiled, “No. I am someone you should listen to. The voice you just heard is that of my master, Sauron. You have the ring he needs.”

“Where?” asked Joey Maynard, stepping forward.

“On your hand!” Dracula gasped.

“But this… this is the engagement ring Jack gave me!”

“My precioussssss!” A small wizened figure leaped onto Joey’s back, half strangling her.

Dracula sighed and moved forward, glaring at Gollum until he let go and scampered off. “My master is prepared to offer you a deal.”

“Tell him where he can stick his deal!” Len Maynard cried impetuously.

“Listen to it.” Dracula glared at the girl. “Either, my master’s forces will storm this place and KILL YOU ALL… or you can nominate a champion to take on our champion. The winner gets the ring.”

Madge Russell stepped forward haughtily. “We will appoint our champion. At what will we contest?” Hilda Annersley winced at the terrible phrasing, but stopped herself saying anything.

“Wrestling.” Dracula announced. “A ring has appeared outside. We will fight in a ring, to win a ring.” No-one laughed. Dracula sighed. “That’s the last time I use Frank Skinner’s gag writers.”

Outside, the School ooh-ed and ah-ed at the sight of a magnificent wrestling ring, with WWF emblazoned on its mat. “I will be the referee,” announced Madge Russell.

Dracula objected. “Excuse me, dear lady. But this match is important to us - how do we know we can trust you?”

Madame drew herself up to her full height. “I am a Chaletian. I give you my word. And if you think I would go back on that word just to save the world, you are very much mistaken!”

The most famous vampire of all time cowered apologetically. “Of course, dear lady. My apologies.”

Lee Jordan popped up. “Let me handle this, Madame.”

“Introducing first… in the corner of EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIL! Weighing 280 pounds and standing 6’8, he is a multi-time WWF champion. He is a former WCW champion. He has made some of the worst movies ever made. That’s right, it’s… HUUUUUULLLLLLLLKKKKKKKKK HOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!” Music blares out.

“I am a follower of Sauron! Doing my best for Lord Sauron!” The aging wrestler steps out of the crowd, staggering up to the ring.

Lee continued, “And in the corner of GOOD! Weighing 220 pounds and standing 6’3, she is the Chalet School weightlifting champion! JOOOOOOAAAAAAANNNN ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD’ BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEER!”

Joan Baker stepped into the ring confidently. “A woman!” snorted Hulk, “Whatcha gonna do when Evilmania runs wild on you, sister!”

Joan glared at him and ripped off her hair! “No woman am I!” she cried “I just like wearing dresses.”

Lee Jordan gave an exclamation, “Wow, and incredible start here as we’ve just found out Joan Baker was a man all along! I thought she’d just been in training for the East German Olympic squad. Joan takes control, with a wristlock, overpowering the Orange Goblin and taking him down with a quick kick.”

Five minutes later (since no one cares about the body of the match), Lee was worried. “And is it all over? Joan is down, Hogan going for that famous leg drop… NO! Joan moves! Joan Baker picks Hogan up, kick to the stomach… Joan Gold Stunner!”

Joan screamed “You’re dead, Hulk! And that’s the bottom line… BECAUSE JOAN GOLD SAID SO!”

Lee Jordan continued, “Joan makes the cover, and this one’s over! One… two… WHAT THE HELL?! Madge Russell stopped the count… Madge Russell just gave Joan Baker the bird! Joan is aghast… she wants to know what the Head is doing… she’s confronting her…ROLL-UP BY HULK HOGAN! ONE, TWO, THREE, FAST COUNT BY MADAME! HOGAN WINS THE RING FOR EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL! And Madame and Dracula are embracing! No, dammit, NO!!!”

 

#115:  Author: patmac, Location: Yorkshire England PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 12:56 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL After my first 2 glasses of wine (Office wind down party) that made perfect sense, James. Shocked I'm worried about my mind now, let alone yours. Keep it coming, it's great!

 

#116:  Author: JackieJ, Location: Kingston upon Hull PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 1:38 pm

Ooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay..... *shakes head and downs two nearby bottles of wine* *Re-reads post* *giggles inanely* JackieJ

 

#117:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 2:21 pm

Okay, can everyone else avoid reading it for ten minutes while I buy shares in some wine merchants!

 

#118:  Author: Lyanne, Location: Ipswich, England PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 7:49 pm

Thankyou James. Noooo!!!! Not EVIL Madge!!!

 

#119:  Author: Ann, Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, England PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 7:53 pm

James wrote:
Dracula sighed. “That’s the last time I use Frank Skinner’s gag writers.”
ROFL Brilliant James!

 

#120:  Author: Mihiri, Location: surrey england PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 8:09 pm

ROFL THanks James

 

#121:  Author: Susan, Location: Carlisle PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 5:14 pm

Hysterically funny James.

 

#122:  Author: James,  PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 10:33 pm

An increasingly rare update...

Madge’s eyes lit up. “IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, JOEY!” She giggled madly, “I used mind control to make Jack kill them all… then kill himself! You thought it was him but it was me all along! And now I and Vladdy will be together for ever! Take me away, Vlad!”

“As you command, madame,” the Count bowed. Twirling around, he put his cloak over Madge, and the two vanished from view.

Six hours later, a grief-stricken Joey turned to Hilda. “Do you think we’re safe?”

Hilda shrugged, “As safe as we can hope for…” They had called in the men from the Sanitorium, and all entrances to the school were guarded. A search had revealed no intruders - but the two women knew that this was no guarantee, given what they seemed to be dealing with.

An hour later, everyone in the school was asleep. All except one, that is.

A blood-curdling scream ran through the Primrose dormitory as Margaret Marchwood was awakened by a hand on her throat. She looked up in horror and saw an axe slam down into her chest. As her blood fountained out, she expired gasping. Her twin charged through, screaming in turn. She collapsed to her knees as she saw the murderer, dagger in hand… but the murderer struck again! With one powerful kick, he decapitated the other twin, leaving a sight for the rest of two bodies - one with a large hole in the middle, another with no head. But the really scary thing was, when the rest of the dormitory came into the cubicle, they saw nothing else.

Apart, that is, from a small brown teddy bear, with a red nose, white paws, feet, and ears, and a couple of unusual red stains on him…

 

#123:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 10:41 pm

ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL :laughing: ROFL Brilliant, James!

 

#124:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 10:43 pm

Wonderful, thank you James

 

#125:  Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 12:01 am

I think I recognise that teddy bear! This is truly excellent, James. Mental, but excellent.

 

#126:  Author: Gem, Location: Saltash/Aberystwyth PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 11:54 am

It is an evil teddy bear Evil or Very Mad

 

#127:  Author: Ally, Location: Jack Maynard's Dressing Room!! PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 12:58 pm

Don't be so horrid Gem, otherwise he might come after you next Wink

 

#128:  Author: Xenophon, Location: Down the side of the bed - Help! PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 9:13 pm

*smells gemmypie mmmmmm* I've been instructed who to kill next so: I (the bear) took natural action and threw my lovely axe at the nearest middle, it had the happy effect of stopping her screams and no one will miss Ronnie Pertwee! Ooh blood, nice Twisted Evil Oh and for James, cos he can't see me on MSN: I'm soooooo pretty!

 

#129:  Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 10:54 pm

pretty but norty

 

#130:  Author: francesn, Location: away with the faeries PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2005 11:46 pm

omigosh this is so hysterically funny!!!!!all we need now is the faraway tree......

 

#131:  Author: Katie, Location: A Yorkshire lass in London PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:27 am

and the wishing chair...?

 

#132:  Author: Shell,  PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:10 pm

Just caught up on this. Can't stop laughing! Laughing

More please James!! Very Happy

 

#133:  Author: Gabrielle, Location: Near Paris, France PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:45 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

I just read the whole thing, its hysterical.

Note to self: Do not start reading things late at night when I should be asleep. Especially when I laugh out loud and am afraid of waking my housemates.

 

#134:  Author: Emma A, Location: The Soke of Peterborough PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 12:26 pm

James, any chance of making up something new for this? Please?

 

The CBB -> St Clare's House


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