Miss Annersley began speaking and a number of the girls near the back of the Hall called out for her to 'speak up!'

"I know what I want to be when I grow up," announced Chas proudly. "A drug dealer!"

"I never thought I'd say this" Margot Maynard, Headmistress of the Chalet School, said to her secretary and triplet sister, Len, "but I think Mama and Reg make a much better couple than you and he ever would have done! Not to mention how happy Papa has made Mr Denny! Divorce rules!"

"Oi!" shouted Rosalie, "Is that a camp fire you're making in the middle of the cricket pitch? It is? Well it's not very big, you go get some more wood, and I'll find some petrol!"

Ash settled where the Chalet School had once stood...

'Well, now you know why they called me Jigger Maynard at Medical School.' leered Jack Maynard.

'Sharlie Andrews has at last stopped those bilious attacks,' smiled Matey as she watched the young mistress waddle across the Speisesaal, her hand held wearily at her back. 'And thank goodness she's putting on weight; she was such a skinnygallee until she made friends with Dr Entwistle.'

"...and I do declare this Marc Almond themed Sale open!" said Joey proudly.

"Not tonight, Josephine ..."

"Not tonight, Josephine ..."

"You know, I've never seen a jellyfish with a spine. Does anyone else find that phrase really irritating?" Mary-Lou asked the Gang after a lecture from Matron.

"I won't have time to pop round for the next couple of weeks, Hilda," said Joey. "Anna and Rosli are on holiday so I'll be busy looking after the house and the kids."

The Prefects were heartily grateful for Joan Baker's arrival at the school. She could answer all the Middles' awkward questions.

"From the beginning of next term, we're going co-ed," Hilda announced.

'No, I'm not a nurse,' laughed Matey as she poured a laxative dose down Joey's throat. 'What on earth gave you that idea?'

'Paper games evening?' said Elinor Pennell, in her clear-cut, well-bred voice. 'No thanks, Joan Baker is giving all the Sixths makeovers.'

'Mamma, why did you leave me at Die Blumen by myself for two whole years?' said little Marie-Claire piteously. 'It's like you forgot I even existed.'

"Now girls", said Miss Annersley seriously, looking down at them from the podium, "I have something to say to you about your use of language. As you know we frown heavily upon the use of such words as "marvellous" and "miraculous" which are inappropriately excessive. I should like to suggest that, in every case where you wish to express appreciation, you substitute that good old English word, used to great effect in the Tyndale Bible and in Piers Plowman, by Chaucer and by the great Lord Tennyson: love-ly......."

Have just come across this and nearly snorted my tea out through my nose as I read the whole thing in a one-er!

"Oh, the pretty, pretty knife," crooned The Robin. "Who shall I poke it into, Zoey?"

The menfolk, meanwhile, retired to the area where Jack Maynard was presiding over a game of "clock golf" - which was the fiercely-guarded code word for a couple of bottles of Tallisker and a discussion of which mistress had the best legs.

"You mustn't worry, Emerence," said Jack Maynard, comfortingly. "Mary-Lou will make a full recovery."

"Damn!" said that young lady, beginning to cry again. "I was hoping I'd killed her."

"Damn, damn, damn," said Miss Annersley, fumbling over her desk. "What the hell did I do with my glasses?"

'All that fuss and mystery, and the secret of the Auberge is an echo?' said the new girl incredulously. 'You lot don't get out much, do you?'

"Joey, I saw this and thought you could use it," said Miss Annersley, handing Joey a leaflet for Dog Training classes.

'Let you, a complete stranger, walk off with a baby you found in a traincrash?' said the Reverend Mother to Joey. 'What do you think this is, the Battersea Dogs' Home?'

The CS girls looked at the chic, practical, saxe-blue ski-suits the Saints wore as a winter outdoor uniform and privately acknowledged that they themselves, bundled up in their brown shawls and berets, looked a bit hick.

Hilda and Nell stared in astonishment as Joey showed off her latest offspring: four St Bernard puppies. 'My quads at last,' she smiled. 'And I must say, I found giving birth to puppies a damned sight easier than babies. I should have tried it earlier.'

"Well, I knew that you loved Bruno," murmured Jack awkwardly, disquieted by his new brood.

"Mary-Lou, you have been expelled!"

"Josephine Mary Bettany! Leave this school - and never come back!"

"You see Len," said Hilda impressively, "it's not just whether you can bear to darn Reg's socks for the rest of your, but rather, do you fancy the pants off him?"

"I don't want to be a doctor!" said David Russell, rebelliously. "I want to be - a lumberjack!"

"Mary-Lou! You're busy" gasped a scandalised Joey, "how did that happen?"
"Oh for heaven's sake Joey, you really ought to know after eleven kids" said Mary-Lou, "by the way it's normally known as being pregnant."

The advent of DNA testing brought great embarrassment to Freudesheim, when it was discovered that the triplets were not related to each other at all...

Perhaps this is the reason...

'I'm sorry, Joey,' Jem gave her a grave smile. 'It's time for you to rejoin the Mothership. Just let me remove the implant from the back of your neck and you'll be rid of this human form and back in your own body.'

'No, no,' protested Harold Annersley and William Wilson as they were bundled out of the Ladies' carriage on the train to Interlaken. 'We're not transvestites, we're laydees...'

The real purpose of the San and the reason for the fecundity of ladies on the Platz was revealed in 1959 when Drs Russell and Maynard were licensed to sell the world's first fertility pill.

"Is that Mlle Lepattre, the Headmistress of the Chalet School? I'm calling from the offices of the Times in London. We've received a letter from a Miss Eustacia Benson, in which she claims that she was victimised at your school to the extent that she found it necessary to run away. She also alleges that two of your pupils were able to leave the school's premises and climb a mountain, as a result of which they were nearly killed, that in another incident two girls nearly drowned after falling into an icy lake, and that on two separate occasions girls were kidnapped by a local madman. Furthermore, and I find this last bit a little difficult to believe but will be looking into it further, she claims the present Crown Princess of Belsornia was kidnapped from your premises whilst in your care. I just wondered if you had any comment to make before we publish Miss Benson's letter in full on the front page of our newspaper."

The Splasheries had an ample supply of toilet roll.

Suggested minor amendment:

The Splasheries had an ample supply of soft toilet roll.

"Rosalie, please get this in The Times asap", said Hilda, "It's the ad for the Health and Safety Advisor position".

In retrospect, starting a school in Austria with no capital and no pupils had been a terrible idea. Still, thought Madge, at least that mountain "accident" had finally got rid of her little sister.

"Oh yes, 'Bill' was my name before the surgery," explained Miss Wilson.

"But Mama, I really want to be a prefect!" Len whined. "Can't you ask Auntie Hilda to change her mind and let me be Head Girl?"

"But I really wanted it!" whined Joey. "Madge, dearie, won't you change your mind and let me be Head Girl?"

"That Zephyr wanted my father's cello for £100!" complained Phoebe indignantly.
"Outrageous," said Joey, "Don't let her have it for a penny less than £200!"

"What! You've invited my headmistress for Christmas!" screamed Bernhilda, "No way!"

................ screamed Bernhilda

Emerence approached the Head's office with some trepidation... this was the third time in a term she'd been sent here and she wasn't looking forward to Miss Annersley's unique style of discourse. She opened the door and the Head turned around, pistol in hand.

"Emerence, listen very carefully, I shall say zees only once..."

The new girl stared at Len Maynard and said
"Why would I want to meet the Josephine M Bettany? I think her books are bloody awful. Give me Margaret Biggs any day."

New girl to the assembled Senior Middles: 'I saw the most peculiar woman just now. She was crossing the garden towards the Head's Study. A ghastly-looking frump, with a hairstyle straight out of the Ark. I hope to goodness she's not one of the staff, anyone know who she is?'

The optician pulled back from his instruments and gave a quiet sigh. "I'm sorry Miss Annersley. I'm afraid glasses are the only option now - you're exceptionally short-sighted."

"We're going to say she became a nun," said Joey, when asked of Robin's whereabouts. "She didn't want anybody to know about Madge's twins being technically hers."

"You forgot to bring your hanky?"said Matey "No problem. You can wipe your nose on the sleeve instead"

'Biddy, will you stop putting on that fake Oirish accent?' snapped Joey. 'You haven't been there for so much as a holiday in twenty years, so there's no need to sound like a Hollywood leprechaun!'

Jo returned to Armiford Station and looked up and down anxiously, hoping that she would recognise her Highland visitors. She need not have worried as all three were dressed in the distinctive blue Rangers strip and carried bagpipes under their arms. To make sure that there were no misunderstandings, Shiena wore a jaunty 'Jimmy Wig' complete with false ginger curls and a strident Tam o' Shanter on top.

'I don't know why you keep suggesting we ask Jem,' snapped Hilda. 'All he ever says is that he hasn't the faintest idea and why don't we Google it!'

'I don't know why you keep suggesting we ask Jem,' snapped Hilda. 'All he ever says is that he hasn't the faintest idea and why don't we Google it!'

"I think we should ask Anna to be Felix and Felicity's godmother," Jack said. "She's the one they're going to be spending most of their time with, after all."