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Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )
http://www.the-cbb.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=6488

Author:  Cath V-P [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:39 am ]
Post subject:  Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

I haven't forgotten about 'Single Diamond' and I will be updating that soon, but this has been slowly growing over the last couple of years and I think it's time to let it see the light of day. I suppose you could say it's an alternative universe of an alternative universe. Anyway it's been haunting me for a long time.

The train rattled its way into the small station at Spartz and came to a halt. The slender uniformed woman who had joined it at Innsbruck alighted from the second carriage, gave up her ticket without responding to the guard’s comment on the changeable spring weather and followed the shabby crowd out of the station into the muddy street. She ignored both the curious stares of the French soldiers standing at the various corners and doorways and the side-long glances of the locals, as she passed as something with which she was so long familiar that it had ceased to be noticeable, and although newly-arrived in the town, she evidently knew where she was going and did not pause to enquire her way of anyone or hire a porter to carry her case. However, once beyond the station square, she stopped to look around her, a curiously frozen expression on her face, and a politely chilling air about her that repelled casual passers-by who might have paused to ask whether she required assistance.
“So unchanged,” she murmured, glancing round. In a way, that was the worst thing – that it should be still the same. Somehow she had been expecting to see ruins and destruction as she had in the larger cities and towns she had known so recently – bombed, flattened devastation, not the same buildings, the same roads, even, she acknowledged bitterly, the same people. All was the same, albeit much shabbier and – Thought stopped here; no, they were not the same people. They were displaced, diminished, robbed of all that was good, reluctant to meet her eyes. “You deserved it,” she thought cynically, her mouth twisted in distaste as she looked at them, bound on their own concerns. “What did you do to help her? Or any like her? You gained the world, didn’t you – for a time – and lost your own souls.” She halted her thoughts here as she had done so many times in the last months, balanced her case and handbag carefully – there was no need to tempt unduly any of the thievish shabby children darting about in and around the station - and walked up the familiar road, pausing only once to check the directions she carried with her.
After about ten minutes steady walking, she had reached the house that she sought; it too appeared unchanged, although a definite air of neglect hung about it, and the carefully-tended garden she remembered had run wild. With difficulty, she pushed the sagging gate open and went slowly towards the front door; for a moment the memories of other visits here rose up before her and her mouth tightened. Swallowing hard, she put her case down, knocked firmly at the door and waited; unconsciously, her hand sought the gold crucifix that she always wore and clasped it firmly through the material of her jacket and blouse.
After a moment or two there came the sound of shuffling steps, and the door creaked open an inch or two.
“Yes?” said a voice harsh with suspicion, and without a word, she tipped back the brim of her hat, so that her face was clearly visible to the old man standing in the dark hallway. There was a heavy silence, then,
“God in Heaven; you have come at last,” he said and opened the door wider to admit her. As he did so, a waft of stale cooking smells, burnt candles and wood smoke drifted out, and she wrinkled her nose in distaste against it.

Author:  Liz K [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 6:00 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Oh my goodness, what's happened here? :shock:

Author:  janem [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 6:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Intriguing. What a fascinating start. Who is it?

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 7:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Intrigued now!

Author:  abbeybufo [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 8:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Goodness me Cath! What a compelling start - and why in St M, I wonder???

Author:  JB [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 8:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Fascinating. Look forward to seeing more.

Author:  janetbrown23 [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

I can't think of anyone in the CS who actually lived in Spartz, or who might be likely to be in uniform. This is very intriguing. More please as soon as possible.

Author:  MaryR [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

There are clues here as to who she is, and my heart shivers at her coldness and disdain, wondering what has changed her so deeply. Does the answer lie here:

Quote:
“What did you do to help her? Or any like her? You gained the world, didn’t you – for a time – and lost your own souls.”

Thanks, Cath - the title speaks volumes. :cry:

Author:  leahbelle [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Very intruiging and compelling. Thank you.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 8:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Definitely an intriguing start, Cath, but even with Mary R's comment about clues, I need to wait for a little more to unfold before even hazarding a real guess at the woman's identity. I do have a glimmer of an idea, but am probably wildly wrong.

Will wait patiently to see a little more of this.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Now I am very intrigued! My first thought was Joey or Madge, or possibly Thekla, but I really don't know.

Thanks, I think.

Author:  MHE [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

MaryR wrote:
There are clues here as to who she is, and my heart shivers at her coldness and disdain, wondering what has changed her so deeply. Does the answer lie here:

Quote:
“What did you do to help her? Or any like her? You gained the world, didn’t you – for a time – and lost your own souls.”

Thanks, Cath - the title speaks volumes. :cry:


Yes the clues are there and I too like Mary am wondering at what has changed her.

Thank you Cath, and I'll look forward to seeing what has happened.

Author:  Tara [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Oh dear, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to bear to read this. I do know who it is, I remember your mentioning its existence ages ago. It must have been hard to live with it all this time, I'm sure it needs to come out and be exorcised! I don't often look in here, so am amazed I've found it, and will read it because everything you write is so good, but I'm keeping my tissues handy :cry: .

Author:  Abi [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

I don't know who she is, but this is a very intriguing start.

Author:  Miss Di [ Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

I'm another dummy who don't have a clue - so please post some more Cath and enlighten us!

Author:  Squirrel [ Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Ouch... This seems likely to be positively spine-chilling Cath. And a story which will keep your readers spell bound, even as you do tread down what I expect will be some very cold paths.

Already so many questions. Already such a hard start - we have two people who look to have been terribly effected by whatever has happened - the lady, and the person she is visiting. Never mind those who she is choosing to blame it all on.

Thanks Cath - I will look forward to seeing developments.

Author:  PaulineS [ Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Interesting start. Puzzled at what uniform she is wearing, not French or German I suspect. Did the Red Cross wear uniforms at this stage. just after the war? And who was killed or died due to lack of care? so many questions please come back soon with some answers Cath V-P

Author:  Fi [ Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

I think I know who it is and who died and I'm looking forward to seeing how this pans out. I always enjoy your work Cath.

Thanks

Author:  Sarah_G-G [ Thu Aug 27, 2009 8:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

I have no real idea who this is but I'm already drawn in. A fascinating and chilling start.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 12:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness

Thank you for all your comments - this next update should explain some of the puzzles. You're right Mary, the title does say much, and yes Tara, it was hard living with this. (Thank you for the compliment btw) It's existed as a ghostly outline more or less since I started the first version, and occasionally it's come out demanding its own form. It did take a long time to evolve to this point and the second half is still a little shadowy. Anyway, on to the next part.

Without uttering another word, he led the way down the hall into a large room at the back of the house. Despite the chilliness of the day, the stove was unlit, and apart from three straightbacked wooden chairs, a table and a grand piano, the room was empty. Dust lay thick over every surface save the piano. He gestured to one of the chairs and she sat down, removing her hat, and regarding the old man steadily. He sat down by the table, coughing a little. She noticed as he fumbled for a handkerchief that the fingers on his left hand were misshapen, curled into a permanent claw, as if the bones had been broken and mended badly.
“I presume that you got my letter, then, Fraulein Annersley, and that is why you are here?” She inclined her head graciously, acknowledging his words, and the old man caught sight of the grey that threaded its way through the sunny brown hair that he remembered, and sighed. “You are not much changed, Fraulein,” he said politely, “I would have known you anywhere, even though it has been almost eight years.”
“You’re very kind to say so, Herr Anserl,” she replied and at the sound of her voice, the old man started; the Hilda Annersley he remembered had been possessed of an exquisite speaking voice, low, beautifully modulated, and softly expressive. This woman’s voice was cold and clipped and it held a harshness and strain that hurt the ear; he looked at her more closely and saw that the luminous blue-grey eyes that had been one of her chief beauties were remote and curiously impenetrable. Suddenly he felt strangely shy and nervous of this assured icy stranger whose face revealed a bitter knowledge of the world undreamed of by the serene woman he had known.
“You came then,” he said again, suddenly unsure how to continue.
“After I received your letter, yes. I will be honest, Herr Anserl – only that could have brought me here, and I was surprised to receive it. I had decided a long time ago that we would never know any more, other than that she was dead, like so many after. Besides there was so much else to be done.” She shrugged, her mouth twisting in bitterness. The old man was quiet, then said gruffly,
“There was no way to tell anyone of what had happened – not until last year at least. But you should know, there is a woman who can tell you more than I can – she has just returned to the district after a time away and she came to see me. And there were some papers found.” He smiled grimly at her. “Here, as in so many places, the Gestapo vanished into the night, as in a bad fairy-tale; one day they were here, the next it was as if they had never been. And their local supporters are also gone – or were never really here either!”
“Yes,” said Hilda thoughtfully. “As you say, it was rather as if they had never existed; we have found that to be the case in so many towns.” The old man considered her statement for a moment, then continued.
“But they had been methodical, and there was so much that it could not all be destroyed – so there are records and they have been found. That is why I wrote to you.” He looked at her severely. “I had expected to hear sooner -” She cut swiftly across his words.
“I came as soon as I received your letter and arrangements could be made. And at least I was in Europe which has made my journey easier.” She met and interpreted his look of surprise correctly.
“No, Herr Anserl, I no longer work for the Chalet School – not for six years now. I helped Mrs Russell reopen in Guernsey, then after they had to move to England in early 1940, I decided that a person like myself – an organiser who deals well with people, who speaks three European languages and has no close family ties – would be of far more use elsewhere.”
“I – see,” he replied.
“I do keep in touch with Gwynneth Lloyd – she returned to Army nursing and is in Germany at the moment – and Gwynneth writes occasionally to Mrs Russell, and your letter reached me by that route. However, as I move around rather a lot, and at short notice, it was delayed by several months.” Her face softened momentarily. “I am sorry; I would like to have been here sooner.” Herr Anserl nodded,
“I assume then that you are in Europe with the Allied Forces, Fraulein?” Hilda frowned at his question.
“Not exactly; let us say that I am … linked with them.” Herr Anserl lifted one eyebrow, and Hilda regarded him coolly, almost distantly.
“I can’t tell you much, Herr Anserl; almost all of my work is classified – but at the moment I am engaged in sifting through official records and writing reports for the trials that may begin next year. I was able to use that as the reason for coming here, but I must warn you – I don’t have long.”
“Ah,” replied Herr Anserl with perfect comprehension. He cocked his head to one side, listening, and an instant later there came the sound of a faint rapping at the front door. The old man stood up slowly, steadying himself on the edge of the table.
“If you would excuse me Fraulein; this is someone I am expecting.”

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 1:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Well, that answers some questions but raises others ... !

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 1:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Yikes!!! - this is finger-nail biting stuff, Cath! Please don't keep us in suspense for too long.

Author:  Emma A [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 1:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Was Nell Wilson taken by the Gestapo after all? And Joey and the others? I understand Hilda's iciness now (but so sad to see). And poor Herr Anserl - can he even play the piano any more?

:cry: :cry:

Author:  MHE [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 1:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Well Nell didn't survive by the look of things but I'm guessing that Joey did as Hilda is wearing the crucifix.

(I've read 'The Return' several times :oops: )

Thank you Cath.

Author:  snowmaiden [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

This is brilliant, Cath, thank you

Author:  PaulineS [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Well I never it expected the woman to be Hilda. Interesting that she left the CS for war work and became a specialist in investigation. Wondering who the girl/woman who died was.
Thanks for the quick update.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

That leaves us with far more questions than it answered! This is truly dark and gripping, I only hope Hilda (and ourselves!) gets her answers soon.

Thankyou very much.

Author:  Squirrel [ Fri Aug 28, 2009 6:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Wow... What an unexpected twist. I honestly don't know how to react to this Cath - I can imagine that it must have been quite stunning when your imagination came on it!

Again, though, the quality of your writing shines through, in that I even accept some of the suggestions made already as being in the realm of possibility.

I'm already full of still more questions than I was in the first place, even as the first few have been answered.

Thanks - and please can we get a little more of this soon?

Author:  Tara [ Sat Aug 29, 2009 12:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Truly an alternative universe to an alternative universe. The one we're used to ended happily; this clearly does not. If it were a film, I'd be watching through my fingers, unwillingly but with a horrid fascination. So sad about Herr Anserl's hands. Hilda would be so suited to undercover work - but how changed she is :( . I'm glad that she is at least still in touch with Gwynneth.

Thank you, Cath.

ETA I shan't be around until after the weekend now, have zillions of family members descending, so I shall look forward to catching up on any posts I miss.

Author:  Sugar [ Sat Aug 29, 2009 1:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Brilliant thanks Cath...I do love your writing. It's so edge of the seat stuff!

Author:  jmc [ Sat Aug 29, 2009 2:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Well, I was one of the people who didn't realise that it was going to be Hilda. The last post solved that question but raised many more for me, though I think I can guess at some things. Really hoping my assumptions aren't true but sadly think some of them might be. :( Looking forward to reading more of this but am thinking I might need a box of tissues beside me.

Thanks Cath for what looks like will be an extremely gripping tale.

Author:  MaryR [ Sat Aug 29, 2009 4:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Presumably the trials she mentions are the Nuremburg trials, but she sounds so defensive of her occupation, one wonders if there is some dark secret attached. Is she even working for the British? :shock:

Only Nell's death could have changed this loving woman so drastically -but she quite clearly blames the Austrians as much as the Germans, and that makes one wonder what really DID happen.

Thanks, Cath

Author:  MHE [ Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

MaryR wrote:
Only Nell's death could have changed this loving woman so drastically -but she quite clearly blames the Austrians as much as the Germans, and that makes one wonder what really DID happen.

Thanks, Cath


Mary's right, it is a drastic change and I look forward (I think) to finding out what has caused such a change in Hilda.

Thanks Cath.

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Aug 30, 2009 1:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Not really surprising that she blames the Austrians - after all it was Austrian members of the Nazi Party that were responsible for the atrocities in Austria. Knew as soon as I read the first part who she had to be and what had caused the change. Wonder if she's working for British or the (Israeli's) edited as could be too soon as Israli not re-established until 1948 - possibly Jews (aka Simon Wisenthal)? Poor Herr Anserl - he obviously suffered due to his involvement with the CS. Interesting that both Hilda and Gwynneth moved on from the School.


Thanks Cath

Author:  Jennie [ Sun Aug 30, 2009 2:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

This is so dark and terrifying, I'm almost afraid to read it.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 28.8)

Thank you all for your comments - they are very much appreciated. I don't want to say too much at this point as I don't want to give too much away. Anyway, here's the next little bit and it does follow right on from the final sentence of the previous update!

He left the room and Hilda heard the door opening and two voices in conversation; she could not hear the exact words, but after a few moments the sounds of two sets of footsteps came down the hallway. Then the door opened and a thin dark-haired woman with wary blue eyes shuffled into the room. She looked at Hilda and held out her hand.
“Fraulein Annersley?” she said cautiously, and coughed a little. Hilda took the outstretched hand, a little startled by its heat and dryness. She looked closely at the woman, noticing the underlying pallor that contrasted with the hectic flush of her cheeks, the too-prominent eyes, the thinness and above all the dry little cough. She nodded.
“Yes, I am Hilda Annersley. And you are?”
“Gretl Steinbach; I may have some information that you would be interested in.” Hilda looked politely at the woman and waited. Fortunately,before the silence grew too painful, Herr Anserl appeared in the doorway.
“It is alright, Gretl; you can trust her. She does want to hear what you have to say. And she will promise that it goes no further.” Hilda opened her mouth to say that she could not possibly give that assurance, but Herr Anserl fixed a cold blue gaze on her. “It is necessary Fraulein, even now. There is no trust here yet. You will go away from this place in a few hours, but we will stay.” At his words, Hilda bowed her head in wordless assent.
“Very well,” she said finally with a faint sigh. The explanations for this were going to be the very devil, but as so often an assurance was required before anything useful was forthcoming. Gretl Steinbach smiled a little bitterly.
“You will not need to keep your promise for long, Fraulein; as I am sure you have realised, I will not be here much longer either. And he is old.” Both women shared a long look, then with the little cough that punctuated much of her speech, the woman sat down in one of the chairs, remarking,
“So you want to hear about the English woman, Fraulein? It has been a long time – almost eight years, you know.”
“Yes I do know,” Hilda replied quietly, steeling herself against the thought of Nell, as she did so frequently, and telling herself that there was nothing to be gained in dwelling on what had happened. “So what are you doing here?” enquired a jeering little voice at the back of her mind. “Gathering necessary information,” she told it firmly, and ignored the sneering laugh that sounded in her ears.
“Yes,” the woman said slowly. “A long time, and I did not think I should be here to tell anyone – if they came looking for her. I am glad you have come Fraulein; she did not deserve that it should be forgotten, and once he and I are dead there will be nobody to remember.” Hilda thought this over in silence, then asked,
“There are records?” The woman nodded.
“Yes, if you know what you are looking for, but I can tell you more than they can.” She glanced at Hilda and saw her mouth tense. “I saw her, you know,” she said finally. “And spoke to her – before.” Hilda’s face whitened, and her blue-grey eyes flickered in her thin face, but otherwise she made no response to the woman’s words. Then her expression hardened slightly.
“Before you tell me,” she said, “I need to know what you want for your information.”
“Nothing.” Scorn flickered in the woman’s eyes, and Hilda felt a momentary twinge of shame. “Everybody wants something,” she said to herself. “This one will be just the same.” “Nell didn’t,” came the reply from deep within her. “Nell was – different.” She eyed the woman thoughtfully, then shrugged. It could be discussed later.
“You will tell me?” she asked. The woman nodded, then closed her eyes for a minute as if organising her thoughts. Hilda waited calmly - she had learned years ago that a little patience now would be repaid with more information later. Besides, if a story was being hastily composed, a few moments of apparent ease would go a long way towards breeding a sense of false security - and it was then that mistakes would be made. Hesitantly Fraulein Steinbach began to talk, and Hilda sat forward in hear chair, her attention wholly on the story, alert as always for the usual gaps, inconsistencies and lies.

Author:  Lesley [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

I really don't want to read this - not because it's not good - it's excellent. But because it so easily could have been Nell's fate - and Hilda's as she has obviously suffered almost as much. :cry:


Thank you Cath - this must have been very hard to write.

Author:  jmc [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

I spent a lot of time reading your other stories in the archives this weekend Cath although I had read the one about Nell being held prisoner a while ago. I am dreading what is to come but know that I will have to read it. This is compelling reading but it must be difficult to write.
Thank you

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:04 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

This is so terribly sad, and so, so well written. Thankyou very much.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 1:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

This is gripping, frightening, sad - and addictive, all at once. I want to know what Hilda learns here - and yet I don't. But I know that I"ll be checking here frequently, (or as frequently as I can since I'm going to be away for a week) because of course I want to know, just as much as Hilda herself does, what happened to Nell in this universe.

Thanks Cath, for keeping me on the edge of my seat - but please don't keep me there for too long.

Author:  JB [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 2:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

This is so dark. I'm glad i'm reading it an update at a time. I think it would be very difficult to read in one instalment.

Author:  Alison H [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

Poor Hilda, and poor Nell :( .

Author:  Squirrel [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 5:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

I think it would be true to say you've got me on the edge of my seat with anticipation Cath! Yet, with the others, the apprehension of what I could be about to hear, makes it an almost deliciously fearful situation as well. Thank Goodness you can't put atmospheric music in a drabble! But do keep it coming - as awful as the reality may be, I want to know, as Hilda so indubitably does, exactly what has happened here. You can see the two sides of her fighting so clearly in this instalment - will the answers to be given give her ease?

Thank you Cath.

Author:  shesings [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 6:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

This is just stunning and chilling at the same time, Cath. I'm awestruck at the quality of your writing.

Author:  Jennie [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

I don't know if I can bear to read any more of this.

Author:  MaryR [ Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

For me the frightening thing is what it has done to Hilda, not what happened to Nell. Somehow it took her to a dark place, beyond all she believed in, and she has allowed it to consume her. :cry:

Author:  Tara [ Tue Sep 01, 2009 10:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

This is fascinating - why is Hilda here? The subtext of her desperate longing/need to know what happened to Nell is well and truly (and deliberately) buried, and the surface of the purpose of her visit is obviously connected to her work. ]
Quote:
“So what are you doing here?” enquired a jeering little voice at the back of her mind. “Gathering necessary information,” she told it firmly, and ignored the sneering laugh that sounded in her ears.
There is so much cynicism
Quote:
The explanations for this were going to be the very devil, but as so often an assurance was required before anything useful was forthcoming.
and such deep mistrust amongst all those who have suffered so much:
Quote:
Hilda sat forward in hear chair, her attention wholly on the story, alert as always for the usual gaps, inconsistencies and lies.
and Hilda herself is so distanced from everything that once meant the world to her, even from Nell, though the physical and mental signs of strain show how much that is costing her. She seems never to have faced it or been able to grieve, her memories are charged with such bitterness and the change to this cold, cynical, world-weary woman is so sad.

I would be looking forward to the next episode if I weren't dreading it so much ...

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Thu Sep 03, 2009 12:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

Have just read all of this. This is amazing, thanks

Author:  MHE [ Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

Quote:
“I saw her, you know,” she said finally. “And spoke to her – before.” Hilda’s face whitened, and her blue-grey eyes flickered in her thin face, but otherwise she made no response to the woman’s words.


'before' - that word seems to hang in the air - the link between the past and the present and also a link to Nell.

I agree with Mary that it is frightening the change in Hilda - gone is the gentle, kind hearted woman of the pre-War years. Hopefully we will see that person again but not until she and us have learnt what happened in Spartz.

Thanks Cath

Author:  Cath V-P [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:01 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 31.08)

Thank you for all your comments - they are very much appreciated. Here is the next part - not too bad as yet....

“1938 is a long time ago, and much has happened – but this was one of the first, so I remembered. Besides, it was unusual - there were reasons to remember.” Hilda stirred and encountered a pair of blue eyes that now rivalled her own in coldness.
“I am sorry,” she said stiffly. The other inclined her head and continued.
She was brought in there late one evening and I saw her the next morning, when we were taken to our usual tasks of cleaning. She had been beaten – her face was badly bruised and swollen, and I think one of her ribs was broken. Certainly, she found it hard to breathe, and she was in pain. I spoke to her quietly, just to warn her to be careful, especially about the Leutnant; even then, there were already whispers of his …tastes.”
“The - Leutnant?” asked Hilda, knowing with a sudden jarring certainty what the answer would be.
“Yes, Leutnant Rudi Bhaer – you know of him perhaps?”
“Oh yes,” said Hilda flatly, a bitterness filling her mouth as she remembered a cold-eyed man caressing her face with the muzzle of his gun, while he seemed to strip her clothes from her simply with his gaze. “I know of him.”
She said nothing more, and the woman continued, her words gaining in intensity as she strove to make Hilda see and hear just how it had been for those who fell foul of the SS even then, in those early days.
“Female prisoners were easy targets, so we tried to stay unnoticed, no matter how much the guards tormented us. That day, one of them chose to bait me, possibly because I was obviously ill. What he did doesn’t matter, but finally I spilled my bucket of dirty water over his boots, and he hit me.” The blue eyes grew warm for a moment. “She rushed to help me at once, with no hesitation.” Hilda’s icy remoteness briefly vanished as she smiled sadly.
“She would! What happened then?” Fraulein Steinbach winced as she remembered.
“The guard hit her in the stomach with his rifle; I don’t know how she stayed on her feet, but she did. It would have happened again, but - the Leutnant came out of his office, and stopped it.” She shook her head. “That was a mistake she made then – and he let her see that he found her to be . . . of interest.” Hilda swallowed, her body tensing.
“I understand.” The woman nodded.
“Yes; he watched her throughout the day - and so did the guard. I know she was afraid, but she did not realise quite what she had to fear.” She stopped and coughed again; this time the spasm was more prolonged and Hilda regarded her with a concern that was unusual now.
“Shall I get you a drink?” The woman nodded, speechlessly, and Hilda crossed to the door and went quickly to the kitchen. It was clean, but like the rest of the house, it was cold. Other than a small basket of potatoes in the corner of the room and a jug of milk on the table, there was no food to be seen. Hilda closed her eyes as the past assailed her again; “You haven’t time for this”, she told herself, and the voices and laughter in her mind receded. Quickly she found a glass, filled it with water, and returned to Fraulein Steinbach. The woman was quiet while she sipped the water, and her breathing slowed slightly. Hilda watched her attentively and bit her lip; this woman was correct in what she had said, she would be dead in a matter of weeks or months. She had nothing to gain by lying - not now. She pushed the thought away and immediately the memories crowded back: the wax-works evening when all the Staff had dressed up – Herr Anserl had been Andreas Hofer, Nell Mrs Jarley: the Christmas plays that Madge had written and that she had produced in the days when it seemed as if Austria would be safe for ever: Herr Anserl in this room, surrounded by Juniors, his housekeeper dispensing cakes, and Nell and Con here with her as they listened to one of his stories: standing in front of a bewildered school to announce that the Headmistress, Mademoiselle LePattre was seriously ill and realising as she did so that Nell supported her utterly and unquestioningly and always would: a walk in summer, taken with the older girls when they had found a glade of wild flowers and had paused overwhelmed by its beauty: a scrap of laughing conversation with Nell and Jeanne, late one January evening two short months before the Anschluss. She shivered a little…so many memories, so many people lost or dead, so many lives wrenched apart, and herself as witness.

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 7:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

((((Nell and Hilda))))


Thanks Cath

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 7:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Oh dear ... wondering who else might have been killed as well now.

Author:  snowmaiden [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

*wibbling slightly*
very good Cath, v sad as well. thanks.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Poor, poor Hilda - sometimes to be left behind is the worst thing of all. I hope she gets all of the answers that she wants.

Thankyou, this is so powerful.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

This continues to be extremely powerful. I hope for everyone's sake that Fraulein Steinbach is able to finish telling her story before her illness overwhelms her - Hilda so desperately needs to know all she can about Nell's fate.

Thanks, Cath - will be waiting eagerly for the next update.

Author:  shesings [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Cath, I am in awe of your ability, at one and the same time, to sustain the chilling horror of this story and the edge of the seat worry and tenderness of Diamond! This is so possibly what might have been for Hilda and Nell and what was the reality for so many millions.

Author:  Celia [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Poor Nell, obviously Herr Anserl was not able to free her in this universe.
Poor Hilda, not knowing what happened to her best beloved for so many years,and so changed by her wartime work and experiences.

Thank you Cath

Author:  PaulineS [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 4:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

I am less suprised now than I was at the beginning that Hilda left the CS. thanks for a moving drabble.

Author:  Squirrel [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 5:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

How truly chilling Cath - and the story is still only just begun! It's lovely to see the few glimpses of the 'old' Hilda peeking through though I must admit.

And how true, that this lady is obviously extremely unwell here - hopefully she will be able to share the rest of her story with Hilda before she is overtaken by all that coughing. I think it is possibly something that they both need.

I can only echo those above me who have said how difficult this must have been to live with - especially over the length of time you have done so.

Thanks Cath.

Author:  Abi [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Agreeing with everone else - this is so moving. Thanks.

Author:  Tara [ Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

ChubbyMonkey wrote:
sometimes to be left behind is the worst thing of all.
Absolutely. To have been the witness to such horror and destruction of lives and then to be left to live with it, without any of the support you could formerly have relied on ... poor Hilda, indeed.
Interesting, though, that having Nell forcibly recalled to her mind (it sounds as if she's been shutting everything and everyone out in order to survive) has already changed her slightly:
Quote:
She rushed to help me at once, with no hesitation.” Hilda’s icy remoteness briefly vanished as she smiled sadly.
“She would!
and this spills over into a concern for Fraulein Steinbach that is, unbelievably, unusual for her now.
Those snippets of the past were so moving, particularly, for me,
Quote:
realising as she did so that Nell supported her utterly and unquestioningly and always would


Thank you, Cath, it took real courage to write this. I'm away for a week now, so see you anon.

Author:  ibarhis [ Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Just found this - I'm slightly shell-shocked but absolutely riveted!

Author:  Cath V-P [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 8:00 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 04.09)

Thank you all for your comments - it's odd having two alternate versions of events co-existing like this. I can move from one to the other, but I do have to keep the boundaries between the two quite rigid. This is another comparatively short piece, but I'll try and update a littel faster next time.

“Do you want to hear more?” Gretl Steinbach’s question recalled her to the present, and slowly the voices faded. Hilda blinked; the bitter blue eyes regarding her had softened again. “Sometimes it is better not to remember,” the woman said, briefly compassionate. Hilda sighed,
“Yes,” she replied, raising an eyebrow, “but then how would justice be served?” The woman shrugged, her eyes hard again.
“Oh, justice!” she said, answering Hilda’s tone rather than her words. She compressed her lips, an expression of weary resignation flitting over her face. “Do you want to hear then?’ Hilda nodded slowly, clasping her hands on the table in front of her.
“That night, two of the guards went to her cell: the one she had slapped, and another. I know this; I was in the room opposite. She did not scream, but she did struggle; it amused them. They meant to take turns with her, but they had been there only a minute or two, when the Leutnant stopped them. He was angry,” she said meditatively, “but not because of the evil of what they were doing; it was because they were soldiers of the Reich and as such, their behaviour was unsuitable. He apologised to her, and sent them back to their barracks.” She shook her head, then noticed Hilda’s wary calculating expression.
“She would have been better off had he not interfered,” she said bitterly. Hilda’s stomach clenched and she forced herself to breathe evenly.
“Why?” Gretl Steinbach looked away.
“I was released the next afternoon – partly because I was sick and partly because they had decided that I knew nothing of any value. They were right; I was sick. I went to my cousin’s home, the inn at Partenkirche, and he and his wife took me in. I had heard nothing then, but soon there was a whisper in the village that Bhaer had killed the English woman from the school. Nobody said anything to confirm or deny it then - it was better to pretend that the school had never existed, and to admit that you had worked there . . .” She shook her head. “The Pfeiffens learned not to make that mistake very quickly. They are all gone now,” she added levelly. Hilda’s mouth twitched, but otherwise she showed no reaction. Once she had learned the details of Nell’s fate, her association with the Tyrol would be ended; besides what was one family among so many? Her attention came back to Fraulein Steinbach; she had evidently picked up her tale again
“ . . . but four days later, I sat in a back room of my cousin’s inn and listened to a drunken guard telling exactly how it had happened.” Hilda’s eyes darkened; for a second, she clasped her hands together convulsively, then she was still again forcing herself to listen to Gretl Steinbach’s words, and ignore the voice that screamed out in her dreams, haunted her days, whispered to her even through those hours when she tried so desperately to find oblivion in a bottle of brandy and a stranger’s bed.
“Tell me from the beginning,” she said, and listened to Gretl Steinbach’s account of how she had crouched behind the door, listening to the disjointed words of a young soldier whose every utterance endangered them all.

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

I'm not sure I want to hear this ... :( !

Thanks Cath - this is chilling but fascinating.

Author:  JB [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

The poor Pfeiffens - and poor Hilda for having no compassion for them.

Thanks, Cath.

Author:  jmc [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

Wanting to know what happened but not really if you know what I mean. Thanks Cath

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

I'm another who isn't sure if I want to hear this :cry:

Thankyou.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 4:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

Thanks Cath this must be very harf to write. Hilda is so damaged by her experiences

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Sep 16, 2009 6:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

I can well understand why you have to keep your two universes so rigidly different; there are some chilling undertones in 'A Single Diamond', but this one is chilling through and through. But it's also so riveting - I can see so clearly how much Hilda *needs* to know what happened to Nell, but at the same time, I can 'feel' her cringe at every word Gretl Steinbach is saying. I only hope that hearing the story will provide her with the catalyst which will lead to her own healing - for that is definitely what she needs.

Thank you Cath, I know it must be a hard one to write.

Author:  Celia [ Thu Sep 17, 2009 8:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

Poor Hilda. She never got the chance to share with Nell how much
their friendship meant,and knowing how Nell died---however bravely--
will be so hard to bear even in her present state. At least she will now know,which is more than many thousands ever found out.

Thank you Cath,the bleakness of the situation feels so real.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 9:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.09)

I have worked out what needs to go in the next section, and I think I will post it now. I am not altogether satisfied with it, but it doesn't want to be written any other way, and was difficult in both content and style. The whole section is italicised as it is Gretl's account of what happened, but written directly rather than recounted.

“We shot the three Jews,” he said and the room had fallen silent. The innkeeper had looked at his wife and she had gone into the back room and sat with Gretl, listening at the door, not daring to look at one another. The innkeeper had polished glasses furiously, and nobody had said anything. “They stood them against the wall in the rose-garden and we came out with our rifles and shot them. They bleed as well as anyone.” He laughed unsteadily. “And he was there and the English school-teacher, standing dumb and watching.” Still no one responded and he drained his glass, banging it down on the counter. The innkeeper refilled it, his hand shaking slightly; two men, then a third, got up and slipped out into the night, but Friedel Steinbach had to force himself to remain still and listen.
“Those English – still they believe it will not happen to them, that they are somehow beyond this. She knew then that they are not. She stood in the garden looking at them, unable to understand why. She asked him why and he shrugged and said ‘Because they were Jews. They did not deserve to live.’ She had no answer to that. “Then he asked her if her friends deserved to live, and what she would do to save them. They were not there – they were never there, but she did not know that – then.” He laughed coarsely. “She knew what he meant, thought she knew what he was offering, and what she would have to trade for it.” He took another mouthful of beer; the room was very still now, the silence somehow hard-edged and wary.
“He is clever, you know. He sent her back to think on it, to ponder and decide. Oh yes. What-would-she-do?” He looked at his glass, still half-full, and pushed it aside, sending the beer slopping onto the table. “Schnapps!” he demanded, and Freidel Steinbach hurried to comply. “What do you think then? Cunning, yes! Commanded by these, how can we fail? You, what do you think?” He lurched out of his seat towards Steinbach and the young lad who helped him during the evenings, and as the latter murmured in fearful assent – Of course, yes of course! - he nodded and sat back again, blinking.
“She agreed; of course, she would agree to anything for her friends. He knew that; he found it amusing; we are to find it amusing, so we do.” Nobody spoke or moved - even the drifts of tobacco smoke in the air seemed to remain still.
“Next morning, two of us took her to him, and she stood in his office, staring at the wall beyond him and agreed to do anything that he might want. He sent her away again until the evening. It was too early – now was not the time, and besides, he would want her to . . . savour the event.” He shook his head, “Oh yes, he is admirable.” And then he laughed, harshly on and on. “But he was not prepared, did not expect…” He drained his glass, slammed it down on the table with a curt demand; again Steinbach refilled it, again the silence grew heavy. The disjointed words spilled out, undeniable, unforgettable, to be recalled eight years later by a dying woman and told to another who wore her bitterness like armour.
“So she is taken to him that evening. Afterwards, she is to be freely ours with no questions. Well-planned, oh yes. So we waited, guarding . . . No screaming or pleading from her - it would have been useless, she knew. Afterwards . . . he commended her submission, told her she would appreciate him later. She knew then - she asked for her friends, and so he laughed, on and on.” He shrugged. “She asked ‘Why?’ and he answered, “Because I can.” Told her she must learn, as will they all who disagree.” He gazed uneasily round the room for a moment, then grimaced, swaying slightly. “She learned. Oh yes. But not what he expected. She attacked him.” He shook his head in disbelief. “She drew blood,” he said clearly and the room was so still that he might have been alone. He laughed again, more unsteadily this time. “So he shot her. As punishment. For daring to do this. And we saw. Took his pistol and shot her, calmly, with blood still on him. Not even pausing to . . . And do you know -” He leaned forward, his arm sweeping wide, inviting his hearers into a complicity that threatened even as it suggested collusion – “she was not afraid then. No. In pain. Degraded. Knowing death was there, in that room for her. All that, but not afraid.” He stared round challengingly, a look of befuddled incomprehension slowly dulling his eyes, took a final mouthful of brandy, dropped the glass on the floor and supporting his head carefully with his hands, slurred, “Why … was… she …not afraid …”
The door flew open as his hands slid out from under him and he crashed face-down into the table. A group of young soldiers burst into the room, throwing themselves down on two of the old wooden settles near the window.
“Beer!” one of them called out, then glanced swiftly round the room caught by the tensely silent atmosphere. “What – oh, Brunner again!” he said as he caught sight of the unconscious figure. He got up and strolled across the room, grasped the man’s hair and lifted his head from the puddle of spilled beer and brandy on the table. “He’s making too much of a habit of this,” he said. “And you cannot trust what he says when he is drunk.” He slowly surveyed the rest of the room. “Get him out of here,” he ordered two of his companions, who immediately got up, hauled the man up from his bench and dragged him out of the door into the darkness. “You would be very well advised to forget anything he may have said this evening,” he said to the immobile group of listeners. “Don’t worry, he will not be here long.” The door slammed shut behind him, and without a word to one another, the few men left dispersed like shadows into the night….

Author:  di [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Words fail me! Nell was so brave; how I feel for Hilda, having to hear what had happened to her beloved. No wonder she appears to be so cold and calculating. For a woman whose natural inclination is towards forgiveness how she must be struggling with the desire for revenge- and I,for one, hopes she gets it!
Thanks, Cath. This is like nothing I've read before. I need to keep on reading but I don't want to - if that makes any sense.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Thanks Cath - this must be very hard to write.

Author:  shesings [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 12:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Oh Cath, this is so powerful, thank you.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Ouch - Cath you had me on the edge of my chair with that story - so grim, yet entirely credible in terms of Nazi brutality. And Nell had no option take whatever they meted out to her once she had gone on the attack.

Poor Hilda - listening to this must be heart-breaking for her, but she deserves the right to know how Nell died.

Thank you - this must have been extremely hard to write.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

What a powerful telling of such a sad story. Thankyou.

Author:  PaulineS [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 3:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

I am pleased Nell attacked when she knew her friends were not in the Commander's power. I hope it helps Hilda that Nell still fought to the end.
Thank you, for a very moving and realistic drabble.

Author:  Lesley [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 3:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Really pleased Nell knew her friends were not in his clutches - and both her attempt to safeguard them and her reaction afterwards are so totally in character. No, she would not be afraid.


(((Nell)))

And I hope Hilda can find some comfort in the way her friend faced death.


Thanks Cath.

Author:  Celia [ Fri Sep 18, 2009 4:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

No, Nell would not be afraid to die.Specially as she knew her friends
were in all probability safe,and in view of what lay before her if she lived.I'm sure some of her last thoughts were of Hilda,and what had happened to her.

Very powerful and moving writing. Thank you Cath.

Author:  jmc [ Sat Sep 19, 2009 11:31 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Very chilling, but at least Hilda now knows what happened. Thanks Cath.

Author:  MaryR [ Sun Sep 20, 2009 9:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

I have a sad feeling that this Hilda will not find herself helped or comforted at all by knowing the horrific facts of Nell's death. Nell's heroism in giving herself to him was in vain - there was no one to save. That will only feed Hilda's bitterness. The one thing she will find relief in is knowing that by her death Nell was saved from falling into the hands of all the other soldiers to whom she had been promised by the Lieutenant.

(Sorry no commas - my key has suddenly flicked off. :shock: )

Author:  Squirrel [ Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

What powerful writing Cath. So vivid I can almost see it, and want to 'watch' through my fingers. It must truly be grim hearing for Hilda, as she has shut off her emotions for so long. Here there may be some release, but what torment in that release.

I look forward to hearing more, as time goes on.

Thanks Cath.

Author:  Smile :) [ Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

Thanks Cath, very moving and sadly entirely plausible.

Author:  MHE [ Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

I tend to agree with MaryR here that all she is being told will not help or comfort Hilda, in fact it will probably have the opposite effect.

Thanks Cath.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 8:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.09)

As always, thank you so much for your comments. Mm, yes, I wonder how Hilda will handle this knowledge....
Here is a little more - rather shorter I'm afraid, but that is where this section ended.


Gretl Steinbach had stopped talking, and Hilda sat very still, gritting her teeth and forcing herself to think of what she had heard, her practiced imagination, shaped by so many accounts, supplying details that she had not heard, but that she knew almost by heart. And when it came to it, this was no different to so much she had listened to – a little earlier in date than might be expected, but apart from that…. “You can pretend it isn’t Nell,” said a persuasive rational voice, the voice that had been part of her for so long, almost the only thing that allowed her to exist safely within herself. “If it’s not Nell, you can cope; it’s only one of many. Besides you’ve managed so far like this; it’s no different.”
“I – I can’t,” she said, in shocked surprise, unaware that she was standing and addressing someone who was not there. “Not with Nell. Not her.” And as she spoke, the foul reality of Nell’s death - her Nell, abandoned, deceived, raped, then shot so casually - hit her, piercing the carefully constructed armour that allowed her to listen, to observe and to record – but not to feel, even when dealing with lives that her decisions would alter, or destroy. “This was Nell,” she said defiantly, feeling a once-familiar pain flower in her. “She mattered!”
“They all mattered,” said a voice, and Hilda blinked in surprise, realising that Gretl Steinbach was talking to her. “They all mattered,” she said again. “If you don’t believe that…” she shrugged slightly. “Then it has all been pointless.” Her blue eyes suddenly challenged Hilda, seeming to search out the thoughts that Hilda had long stopped admitting even to herself. Hilda bowed her head as the woman’s words seared through her, exposing the bargains that she had made throughout the war for what they were - an endless series of shabby compromises that allowed her to do what she had to, even when that involved the ordering of others to a fate that they might guess at, but that she knew for what it was. Gretl Steinbach nodded slowly.
“How many people did you send to their deaths, Fraulein?”

Hilda’s eyes grew even more remote, and her mouth tightened. She had been too distinctive in appearance, too knowledgeable, too valuable to send – but she had written and signed the orders and recommendations that had seen others go and not return. By night she lay sleeplessly and thought of them, the endless parade of faces, gone into a world from which there was, for them, no coming back. Remembering them was bad, but forgetting them would be worse, a final betrayal. And one, she realised with a searing jolt of self-awareness, that she had committed every time she reached for the solace of a glass of brandy or the body of a stranger. She was aware of her reputation, had been bitterly amused by it on occasions, but had remained largely untroubled by it; it was nothing but a facade, not the real Hilda, she reasoned. Now it seemed to her that despite her best efforts, she had become what she most feared. “Would Nell know me now?” she asked herself and dared not contemplate the answer. She realised that Fraulein Steinbach was waiting for a response, and that at this moment, there was only one possible reply.
“Too many,” she said at last, and the woman regarded her with a silence that was strangely understanding.

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 9:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Oh Hilda, you're still the "real you" underneath ...

Author:  JB [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 9:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

So glad to see a glimpse of the "real" Hilda.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Hilda's pain is so real here. We forget the trauma of those who sent agents overseas.

Quote:
By night she lay sleeplessly and thought of them, the endless parade of faces, gone into a world from which there was, for them, no coming back. Remembering them was bad, but forgetting them would be worse, a final betrayal. And one, she realised with a searing jolt of self-awareness, that she had committed every time she reached for the solace of a glass of brandy or the body of a stranger.


She will feel it even more now Nell counts as one of them,

Author:  Squirrel [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 4:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Poor Hilda... I know it's so hard for her to accept this, and the pain and need to forget has made her turn to things she wouldn't have considered if life had taken a different path. However, in some ways, I wonder if the harsh reality of the death that Nell faced, and the need to face up to the fact that the others who were lost were, in actual fact, just as important, might just be enough to break her - and allow for a reconstruction which will help her put her feet back on the 'right' path again.

Or am I dreaming too much for this story?

Thanks Cath. It must be so difficult to have to write a Hilda like this, but...

Author:  Smile :) [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 4:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Glad to see glimpses of the "real Hilda" underneath. This must be so hard to write Cath, thanks.

Author:  di [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 5:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

So difficult to write, Cath. You're doing amazingly well. :)
It's reassuring to catch a glimpse of the 'real Hilda' as others have said. It would be awful if she'd allowed events to consume her totally and make everything so pointless.
Thanks.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

What a sad update :cry: This is so sombre, and so touchingly dark. Thankyou.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Sep 23, 2009 8:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Very sad -but unfortunately, so true in the context of war and the number of agents, as well as armed forces' personnel, who lost their lives in WWII. Hilda was in a truly invidious position, as were others like her - but as others have said, here we can see glimpses of the 'real' Hilda emerging from the fog of evil in which she had inevitably been enveloped.

Thank you, Cath - this is very gripping, and must be so draining to write.

P.S. Hope you are surviving the dust clouds over NSW and Queensland.

Author:  jmc [ Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

This must all be so difficult for Hilda hearing about Nell like this but it looks as though it may help her as well. Thanks Cath

Elder in Ontario wrote:
P.S. Hope you are surviving the dust clouds over NSW and Queensland.

Echoes this sentiment. Looked absolutely horrible on tv. Remember one from when I was a kid but this looked a lot worse.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

That's amazing. Nell was so brave

Author:  Lesley [ Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

((((Hilda))))


So sad - and so possible.

This must be very difficult to write Cath.

((((Cath))))

Author:  MaryR [ Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Quote:
And as she spoke, the foul reality of Nell’s death - her Nell, abandoned, deceived, raped, then shot so casually - hit her, piercing the carefully constructed armour that allowed her to listen, to observe and to record – but not to feel, even when dealing with lives that her decisions would alter, or destroy.

Yes, you learned early in life to batten down your pain behind thick walls so it couldn't get in - but the manner of Nell's death is breaking them down and allowing the pain in, not just the pain of Nell dying, but the pain of each and every person you've sent to their deaths. But why do I feel this pain will not be good for you? :cry:

Thanks, Cath

Author:  shesings [ Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

((((((Cath)))))) This must be so hard to write but I'm on tenterhooks to see if Hilda manages to reclaim her real self after what she has been through.

Author:  blue1 [ Sat Oct 10, 2009 7:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Wow! I just read the whole thing and it is brilliant although I'm not sure that is the right word for it maybe powerful would be better.

Thank you for writing it, as hard as it is to read it writing it would be so much worse so thank you.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 10:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 23.09)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and sensitive comments. This is only a short section, but this is how it insisted on being written.

“She is buried here,” she said unexpectedly. Hilda stared at her, her heart thumping.
“Here?” she whispered finally. “How was that possible? And where?”
“In the churchyard. He can tell you where to find it – if you wish.” Hilda did not reply immediately, and the woman continued.
“That was one thing in the early days - what to do with the bodies. If they were ‘ordinary’ prisoners, they would be released to whatever family was left, otherwise they were simply disposed of – somehow. Later there were too many for anyone to worry about, but then when they were trying to keep things quiet…. ” She shrugged. “After the priest died -” Hilda frowned in bewilderment: what priest? Then she remembered.
“Father Johann?” Fraulein Steinbach nodded.
“Yes – his body was finally sent to the monastery, as his family were all gone. And afterwards, the Abbot came to the headquarters and would have spoken to Bhaer, but he too was gone by then. He went very soon after the shooting, I think. The Abbot was given to understand that the Herr Leutnant had sadly exceeded his authority, and so he went, first to Vienna, then Berlin, then….” She shrugged, and fell silent. Hilda looked at her.
“What happened to Nell’s body?” she demanded fiercely, seizing the thin wrist in a punishing grasp. Slowly, Fraulein Steinbach, reached up and pulled Hilda’s fingers away, her eyes never leaving Hilda’s face.
“I am not your enemy Fraulein,” she said dryly. Hilda looked away, a sudden unexpected blush of shame reddening her face.
“I – apologise,” she said faintly, and wondered at herself. The other woman inclined her head in silent acceptance of Hilda’s words, then continued slowly.
“It was given to the Abbot by the new Herr Kapitan, by night and silently. Of course, they could not hand it to the British, as that would mean too many questions, too much trouble at that time, so –
“So we buried her quietly in the graveyard on the hill, late one evening,” broke in Herr Anserl’s voice. Hilda swung round, her eyes burning into him.
“You knew?” she whispered. Herr Anserl frowned, and sighed.
“I went to the monastery to be certain it was her,” he said. “I was the only one who could do that, you know. And if I had not known where she was buried, then she would be forgotten. And even when it seemed as if there would be nobody to tell, I have remembered it and left directions. So yes, I was there.” A sudden unfamiliar pain clutched at Hilda’s heart as he spoke; against all odds, someone had cared, not only for Nell, but also for her memory - she had not gone alone and friendless to her grave.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 10:31 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

I'm so pleased to hear that Nell had someone with her, but what a horribly sad story! I hope that Hilda can find comfort in her grave, and the dignity she was given at the last, unlike so many others.

Thankyou.

Author:  Alison H [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Hope that's given Hilda some comfort.

Author:  PaulineS [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 4:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Quote:
someone had cared, not only for Nell, but also for her memory - she had not gone alone and friendless to her grave.

How comforting to Hilda.
Pleased Herr Anserl and Fraulein Steinbach remembered Nell and that Herr Anserl went to the grave side and left information for anyone who came asking about her.

Author:  shesings [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 4:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Thank you, Cath - powerful, moving post. I hope that when Hilda can stand at Nell's grave she will be able to take back her future and live again as Nell would want her to be.

Author:  Squirrel [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 4:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

That must have been such hard hearing - and her reaching out to grasp the hand of her story teller shows the emotion. I love her way of responding to that though. Poor Hilda - I'm sure she was half-glad that Herr Anserl was there for Nell like that, but it just makes the pain more obvious again - not quite so dull any more, more searing.

Thanks for the update Cath.

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Fri Oct 16, 2009 7:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Quote:
A sudden unfamiliar pain clutched at Hilda’s heart as he spoke; against all odds, someone had cared, not only for Nell, but also for her memory - she had not gone alone and friendless to her grave.


Hopefully that knowledge will help Hilda now, and presumably Herr Anserl will be able to take her to to see Nell's grave before long. I'm sure this will comfort her, and allow her to grieve for Nell at last. And even though Nell was not usually the one for quotations, perhaps Hilda will 'hear' her quote the words of Rupert Brooke, written a generation earlier:

If I should die, think only this of me
That there's a corner of some far-off field
That is forever England.....


Thanks for this update, Cath - it was riveting to read.

Author:  Celia [ Sat Oct 17, 2009 12:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

So sad,and yet so necessary for Hilda to know that Nell received
proper burial, and that Herr Anserl took risks to be there,and mark
the place for the future.

Thank you Cath.

Author:  jmc [ Sat Oct 17, 2009 8:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

That was really quite brave of Herr Anserl to go the the graveyard and hopefully Hilda will be able to take some comfort in the fact that she was properly buried.

Thanks Cath

Author:  di [ Sun Oct 18, 2009 8:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Maybe this news and visiting the grave will help Hilda to begin the healing process. She's obviously had some dreadful decisions to make during her war work and the Hilda we all know and love would have had to harden her heart and soul to make them. I guess, after the news of Nell's arrest she have been shocked at her need for revenge as this trait is so alien to her. She would have had to close down part of her to deal with it. Thanks to Herr Anserl she now has a grave to visit and start healing.
Thanks, Cath. A difficult story to write so it's much appreciated. :)

Author:  MaryR [ Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Quote:
“I – apologise,” she said faintly, and wondered at herself.

How this shows the change in Hilda. At one time she would have been no stranger to apologising. But Nell's death has killed her serene and generous spirit in ways that no one would have expected, least of all herself, I fear.

Will the shock of seeing the grave help her? Why should it? Nell is still gone, she still died in that horrific way - even if she didn't go to her grave 'alone and friendless'.

Thanks, Cath.

Author:  Fiona Mc [ Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Thanks Cath. This is amazing

Author:  Tara [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

I've just caught up with this after a long time being very boringly ill - and what a powerful universe it is. The horror of what they had to do during the war, whether they were actual combatants or, like Hilda, the ones who made the decisions and sent others to possible torture and death, must have marked and damaged so many people, and I suspect the only way to survive was to shut off from it. Such a different Hilda - but Nell would still have known her and seen beyond the carefully-constructed carapace; she is only recreating herself to do the job she has to do, after all. Nell's death is shocking, but at least the Lieut. shot her, he could have done much worse. And she was mourned and is remembered, and they know where her grave is, and, amidst all the searing grief and loss, that is a comfort many did not have. Coming alive again emotionally is going to be so very painful for Hilda, although it's obviously what she needs to do to reclaim her humanity and herself (imagine Hilda, of all people in the world, forgetting that others matter :( ).
Thank you, Cath. This goes very deep.

Author:  shesings [ Mon Nov 16, 2009 2:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Hi Cath, I am still haunted by this - and hoping for more when you have time?

Author:  PaulineS [ Mon Nov 16, 2009 8:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Yes please Cathy, lets us have some more.

Author:  Cath V-P [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 16.10 p5)

Thank you for your comments - it took me a while to shape this next post - I knew where it was going, but the specific content was tricky. Anyway here it is....

The wind blew sharp and keen across the muddy cemetery, bending the trees so that their dry branches clattered and rubbed against one another. Hilda looked round, remembering Herr Anserl’s directions. Near the wall, as he had said, behind a fir tree, there was a long line of rose bushes grown wild, and a vicious bramble that tore at her hands as she moved it aside…and concealed by them, just as Herr Anserl had planned, she could make out the outline of a sagging wooden cross. She could just see the roughly-chipped words ‘Helena Margaret Wilson March 1938.” She stared at it for a long time, then unheeding of the damage to her hands, she pulled the straggling trails of roses and brambles aside, exposing the cross and a bare patch of earth to daylight. Kneeling down on the damp ground, she slowly traced the letters of Nell’s name with one finger over and over again. She was silent for so long that the old man crouching behind the wall grew worried. He was about to stand up and risk discovery when he heard her start to speak, her voice low, almost conversational.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” she said softly and for a few seconds the old man could recognise the voice of the Hilda Annersley he had known. “You were meant to come back to me – we were always to be together, Hilda and Nell, friends and more. We knew that was what was meant to happen. See, I even kept your crucifix for you, because you told Jo you’d be back for it. I waited and waited for you, for so long; every day I imagined the telephone ringing, the door opening, and there you would be - but you were never going to come to me, were you, because you were already here.” There was a half-minute of silence, then the voice came again, wavering a little.
“It was all my fault, you know. If I hadn’t agreed to that trip, you wouldn’t have been here to see what you did; we would have left safely and together. I made a wrong decision – and it cost so much, didn’t it? I was so stupid; I knew what was going on as much as anyone, and I still agreed. Letting the girls go with you as well – and a child like Daisy - and it was you who paid for my stupidity, not me. And I can’t ever put that right, no matter what I do. No payment could ever be enough for that sort of culpable stupidity – there isn’t an excuse for it. And it’s like a stone cast into a pond, rippling outwards on and on: not just you and me, but all the others I damaged too.” She laughed bitterly, and the old man winced.
“I try not to think about it too often - there’s really nothing I can do anyway, but I suppose you deserve a reckoning, if anyone does.” She traced the letters of Nell’s name several times more, staring at nothing as she did so. “I survived everything and they didn’t. There’s no justice there, but that’s no surprise, not now.” She hesitated. “Where to begin? Well, the younger girls seemed to be least affected, apart from Robin of course. But Lorenz and Jeanne – maybe they didn’t really understand what had happened, and anyway they never returned to the school, so who knows? Cornelia and Hilary though, they were older and Cornelia at least was so angry. I never thought I would see that cold rage in her - and she never lost it.” She shrugged. “On the other hand, it provides a sound motivation, so even though she blames me – and she should – I suppose you could say it’s been useful.”
“And the others? Joey didn’t marry Jack, you know.” She paused. “I didn’t find that out until Gwyn’s letter to me, three years after I left the school for good. First there was Robin to be cared for – she lingered for a while beyond the time Jem gave her, and after she died, Joey felt she needed to do something more, and joined the WAAF. Apparently, she was rather good at it, according to Gwyn; she saw the letter Madge received, and it was much more than the usual official thing we write to the families after. I don’t know how much consolation that is though. And then Jack was killed as well, but that wasn’t as much of a surprise; I heard he became quite reckless – it takes some men that way, and from what I remember of Jack, I think he would want to save everyone.” She shivered as the wind gusted over the cemetery.
“You learn quite early on that you can’t,” she whispered. “And when you have to send them and you know what will happen - ” Her eyes hardened with a bitter knowledge. “You have to learn to stop caring Nell, and if you’re lucky you find that you don’t anyway. You just keep a list. And every so often, maybe once a year, you let them out to haunt you.”

Author:  JB [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Thanks for the update, Cath. I don't know what else to say. I feel rather emotional.

Author:  Alison H [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Me too. I'm glad Joey did her bit for the war effort but am very sad about Jack. And that bit about needing to stop caring made me want to cry.

Author:  ChubbyMonkey [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:09 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

How awful for all of them. I'm another who feels quite emotional now. Thankyou for the update.

Author:  2nd Gen Fan [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:37 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Oh my, I have just read this and it is so well written, and so sad....
Everything seems so plausible, more so than in the books, and you just can't imagine how the pain will stop for Hilda.

Author:  snowmaiden [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Wiping away a tear here too. Thanks Cath, this must be v difficult to write. :(

Author:  Elder in Ontario [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Ouch - that is such an overwhelmingly poignant 'might have been' scenario - all those events might, all too easily, really have happened. But perhaps now, having been able to talk to Nell in this way, Hilda will be able to come to terms with her loss better.

Thank you Cath - I can see this must have been difficult to write.

Author:  Celia [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Poor,poor Hilda, what a terrible burden of loss to carry. No wonder
she has built a shell around her feelings,she could not otherwise have survived.

Thank you Cath.

Author:  Liz K [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Just read this the whole way through.

What a story.

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Author:  shesings [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 5:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Cath, I'm lost for words and can't see for tears anyway. :(

Author:  di [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Sitting here with dropped jaw and tears in my eyes - So many suffered and for what? A safer world one hoped but is it? I don't think so; there are still families whose loved ones are not returning from conflict.
My heart goes out to Hilda; how she must hurt. I hope that now she's found Nell's last resting place she will begin to heal but it seems it will take more than this.

Thanks Cath, that must have been so difficult to write.

Author:  PaulineS [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

The loss of lives and the pain is still continueing. Nell's grave being hidden and Herr Ansel hiding whilst Hilda looked is so moving. Another one with tears in her eyes at the pain of it all.

Author:  aitchemelle [ Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

di wrote:
A safer world one hoped but is it? I don't think so; there are still families whose loved ones are not returning from conflict.


I have read from the beginning. Lots of tears here, what brave and poignant writing.

Author:  jmc [ Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Poor Hilda, to have carried the burden of guilt all those years. Thanks Cath

Author:  MaryR [ Sun Nov 22, 2009 5:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Quote:
“You have to learn to stop caring Nell, and if you’re lucky you find that you don’t anyway. You just keep a list. And every so often, maybe once a year, you let them out to haunt you.”

Ouch!Those words show just what Nell's death has done to her - what she allowed it to do to her. It changed her caring, sensitive nature forever, and I have a feeling that she's gone too far and done too much and left who she was too far behind ever to re-capture it.

Thanks, Cath.

Author:  seven [ Fri Nov 27, 2009 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

I've just caught up with this and it's so sad. Poor Hilda! The guilt she carries, not just for Nell's death but for the later happenings to those who were with her, is unimaginable. The only way for her to survive was to build a wall so thick round her heart that no one could penetrate it. Now she has found Nell's grave, will this help her go on?

But I'm hoping that the title "Through the Darkness" will lead to some respite for her.

Thanks Cath for a wonderful story.

Author:  ammonite [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 10:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

This is making me cry, the writing is great - it is just so emotional.

Author:  AnneM [ Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Through the Darkness (updated 18.11 )

Any chance of any more, please? I hate to see Hilda so trapped in her bitterness and am hoping she'll eventually find her way "through the darkness". Wonderful writing.

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